Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Kaley Cuoco Returns

Episode Date: February 9, 2026

Kaley Cuoco (Vanished, The Big Bang Theory, The Flight Attendant) is an actor and producer. Kaley returns to discuss whether she’s on the slippery slope to getting a tiger, her recent obsession with near-death experiences, and being blessed with the gift of the ability to sleep anywhere, anytime. Kaley and Dax talk about the manager-facilitated meet-cute with her now-fiancé, her hosting pitch for an NFL Honors gig, and how she has such a healthy attitude towards rejection as an actor. Kaley explains what was most memorable about walking onto Season 8 of Charmed as a new cast member, the game-changing decision to sleep in different bedrooms, and playing an archeologist in Albania on her new show Vanished.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert. I'm Dan Shepard. I'm joined by Lily Padman. Hi there. Hi there. Today we have a returning guest who was a big time party last time, and that was over Zoom. It was. So you can't even imagine how big the party was face to face.

She's a cool girl. She's the coolest. Kelly Cuoco. I admire so many aspects of her personality. She is just like, she is who she is and she doesn't give a shit. I admire it, and I aspire to it. She is an Emmy Award nominated actor and producer, the Big Bang Theory, the flight attendant, eight simple rules, charmed based on a true story,

and her limited series out now on MGM Plus called Vanished. Her boyfriend disappears from a train. Where is he? Where is he? Did he leave her or has he been abducted? I'm excited. These are, this is up my alley. These are the questions that'll be answered.

They won't be answered in there, so we'll explore more of what's going on. Please enjoy Callie Cuoco. I heard you guys did your thousandth That is an awesome Yeah and you were probably When did you guys start this? I feel like it was one of the first You were early for sure

2018 so we were two and a half years in Yeah exactly. It still feels early. Oh, not to be exact or anything. Never mind. 262. 662. Okay, great.

That is amazing. 730 ago. I hope you feel the difference. I mean, that was at the height of COVID. I was in a lockdown in Canada when I talked to you guys. November 2020. Yeah. Yeah.

November. That's right. No Vembre. Glad to have you in person. What part of town do you live in? Thousand Oaks. My parents still live in Thousand Oaks and now I made my way back. That's sweet.

So happy. You are? Yes. We love where we live. Because it's removed. It's removed. It's not L.A. Yeah.

The ranch, Sanyanaz? The ranch is Westlake. So Baitman grew up. hanging out with that guy, Murdoch owned Dole. Dole like bananas? That's the money guy. Pineapple bananas. He bought Lanai.

He had originally owned Lanai, the island in Hawaii because of the banana plantation. Yeah, you know a little more about him than I do. So he hung out with this kid. And yeah, he built that Sherwood Lake Fang community. I think one of his kids drowned. I actually think that is true. Something happened. They have a weird story.

Another kid died in a Ferrari accident on the one or a lot. Yes. I'm actually, has there have been a movie? I feel like there should be something. Did you know any of those families? No. We got this ranch. I think I've probably had it for seven or eight years now.

So that's a newer space to us. So we live 15 minutes from the ranch. Okay. Which is amazing. The ranch is gorgeous. I was watching you do an interview there and it looked like San Diego's Valley. It's stunning. It's so cool.

It's 40 flat acres, which is like very rare. So it's all usable. And like 8,000 animals. Wow. Not really, but a lot. It's turned to a full rescue. Whoa. I wrote them down.

You've got a zonky? We have a zonky. Tell me about a zonky. An incredible name for an animal. You can guess what that is, right? Yes. Zonky and a jockey. So we get a lot of our animals from Amish country.

And we end up rescuing a lot of them because, you know, a lot of them are worker animals. It can be a little weird. So we have two zonkies from Amish country. They were trying to sell. You know, they try and breed these things. This is not normal. They obviously may. a donkey and a zebra.

It's totally fucked up. Where does the zebra come from other than obviously Africa? I have no idea. I don't even know how they attain these sorts of creatures. Yeah, there's some weird shit. Started to attain a few. It's a little word of mouth with us. They kind of know that we have the space and I can't say no to anything.

So I've taken so many animals. I mean, we have people that have to live there now. And I'll sneak some in sometimes. Like, I'm like, do you think they'll notice if I add this duck? Like, there'll be five ducks when they're six. And everyone's like, wait a minute. Like, I'm not, no, they're always here. No, that guy was just hiding.

I have the space now. That's always been the dream to have the space. That's nice. That's a beautiful thing. Are there any you regret? Like, do you have anything that's raising hell over there? No, because zebras are assholes. No, totally.

And this guy, he's not. She's actually very shy. But we've done a really good job of managing. And what's amazing about animals is people get afraid. They come in, they go, they all live together. Like, a lot of the little ones live together. Don't they fight? And they figure it out.

Yeah. We're getting in their way. Yeah. In this day and age, everyone's like, oh, don't let that one play with People do that with kids, too. Yes. Let them decide. Yeah, they'll be fine.

They know how to get the pecking order going. They do. And the animals are the same way. And they figure it out, they get in little arguments and things, but they know who's the boss. They know who not to mess with? Who is the boss? You know where the real boss is? The pigs.

Oh, yeah, pigs are fucking aggressive. They're like walking around. Everyone else kind of like, yay, you know, the goats kind of go, okay, just let them walk back. Because they're so smart. And they're huge. They're huge. They have tussed, virtually. They have huge canines.

They can't. can totally bite. No, it's hilarious, but it's kind of sink or swim. I'm like, if you can't figure it out here, you can't figure it out anywhere. Do you think you're on a slippery slope to like getting a tiger or something? The slope at this point is like I want a giraffe. Yeah, see, I feel like we're heading. I want things we shouldn't have, like a rhino.

I want things that we, 100% slippery slope. Yes, yes, you're not wrong. Snow leopard. Yes. I can tell you the thing that would be great for you to get because, okay, my mom lived in Hood River, Oregon for a while. And we discovered this place. This man had a farm.

And he had all these crazy animals. He was a very sweet man. And the girls fell in love with the giraffes. It was great. He had, his favorite thing was these Bactrian camels. And they're so beautiful. Like he had this one that was like his girl. And she went everywhere with them.

And they're crazy smart. Yes. I was like, of all these things, that is the coolest thing. This Bactrian camel. And they live, I guess, in the most extreme there. in negative 20 and also 120. They can hang anywhere. Wow.

Well, now I want. Yeah. If someone's trying to unload a back screen camel. I'll take it. Because the eyes, they're like cartooning. They have eyelashes. Yes. She was pretty.

Oh, my God. I never even thought I could have a camel. No, back to the zebra. Wait. Okay. I want to not be disparaging to the Amish because I grew up around them in southern Michigan. Totally. They're lovely.

Absolutely. They're like woodworkers. Yes. I know. It's amazing. I admire the close-knit family. I totally agree with you. But I cannot help but call out a little bit of a hypocrisy, which is like, for some reason,

God doesn't want them to drive cars. That makes sense. I understand the logic cup of it. But why, if God wanted a zonky, he would have made one. Why are you free to cross-pollinate species? Listen, this is happening all over. People are do crazy shit to animals. Like this stuff we think is we have a lot of dwarf ponies.

We have mini ponies. A lot of these animals, again, that are overbred in such a terrible way that it's like, that's not supposed to look like that. And people have them for. parties and kids gets all over the country. We have a big animal problem. Go down that hole. But I do think when we're getting them from the Amish country, they work our animals. They use horses to get around. There's a lot of animals that are working for them. Becerden. Yes. So when they kind of finish that job, where do they go? And so we've actually been able to take a few and let them live with us.

I'm really hung up on the zonky. What does it look like? More like the zebra or more like the donkey? More like the donkey. Striped legs. I'm going to send you a picture after this. So the striped legs, but then a gray body. Okay. And the demeanor of a donkey, I guess? Yeah. Very calm, very sweet. I'm dying to nuzzle her, and she will not quite let that happen yet.

Okay. Hard to get. I want to get in there. And I want to kiss it. Have you been mauled or attacked or any of these? No. I had knock on one. It could be its own reality show at that ranch.

Did you watch Chimp Crazy? No. It's so kind of sorry. I can't with the monkeys. I can't. It makes you sad? Yeah. I can't watch anything with animals.

Well, you've seen the cartoon lying. Yes, yes, of course. And my daughter has seen it too. Okay. It's one of the least ones we watch, actually. She watches everything, but that's not the one we watch as much. She likes Succession. She loves Game of Thrones.

She loves Succession. That's true. She told that story on Kimmel. That was actually true. I handed her my iPad. I was watching that and I wanted to see how long she would laugh. The hate I got for that. Oh, my God.

How could you? I'm like, calm down. Big time, calm down. I watched that with the most amount of attention. I've ever watched someone do a talk show appearance. I'm quietly applauding it, right? Because it's like the shaming of everyone's parenting is such an epidemic. And I was like, oh, this bitch is going hard.

She's going to say exactly what's happened. And fuck all y'all if you have a problem with that. I feel bad that they're not doing what I'm doing because it's working out great for me. My kid's amazing. We'll watch this. Yeah, you can do Sunday TV night. It's wild. Now that I have my own, I wouldn't ever tell someone or say, don't do that.

I would never. Other than corporal punishment, if you saw someone getting their ass kicked. That's different. Right, right. But it's like I could never say, oh, I don't think you should show her that or I don't think we should get that kid that or feed them that. It's like, the fuck am I saying to you. It blows my mind how brave some of these people are. It's auditions.

Isn't it insane? You know, you get to define what is important to you as a parent. Some people then decide that's how every single person should be thinking about it too. It's wild. Well, the heat I've gotten for like one time we said we don't bathe the kids. night. I'm like, we're doing their babies, but get real. They're not fucking dirty. That was a whole stink up. Then I said when they are 18, I'd offer to pay for them to freeze their eggs. So they never felt the pressure of that. That was some people mad at. And I'm like, my goodness.

I mean, I guess we should know by now. I've been in this business for so long that nothing phases me anymore. But I find it. It's very charming that you don't seem to care. I really don't. Yeah. I don't give a fuck. I have heard everything about me. I have heard great things. I've heard terrible things. I've been made fun of. I've been loved. And this has been my whole life. So you think I give a shit if someone cares that I handed my two-year-old an iPad? Don't care. Good for you. Don't care. Was that a late adoption of that feeling? Misposition or did you come to it? Did you used to care? Did I used to care? I think certain things have tweaked me. But over recent years, I do not care anymore. I guess as a kid,

were you someone who got self-conscious easy? No. Good for you. No. But I also think that was because this wasn't all I did as a kid. I mean, I was a child actor. You were ranked tennis player. Loved tennis. I had sports. I had a million friends. I wasn't all about this.

It was a million other things. And I've kind of kept that as an adult. So I kind of is like a little bit of a duck. Like kind of just like rolled off back to the ducks. Look at me. I circled all the way back to the duck. That was a good call back. I didn't even mean to.

It just naturally happened. I just go to the ducks immediately. It was elegant. It was elegant. We called that a ding, ding, ding. Yeah. Doug Doug. Duck Doggoose.

Yes, Duck that Goose. That's favorite game. What was it when it doesn't work out? I don't know. What was a Duck, Duck, Doose is when it is wrong. When it's not a ding, ding, ding, ding. That's right. I've never even heard that.

We made up all this out. Okay, I was like, I didn't hear this. Because we said ding, ding, ding, ding a lot. Okay. And then sometimes, if I can be, sometimes Monica would say ding, ding, ding, that I didn't think really was related, right? So it would be like, she was talking about brushing her teeth. And then later I said, you know, I bought a washcloth and she'd go ding, ding ding ding ding.

And I go, You can see the connective tissue. I can see. And I would go, that's more of a duck, duck, duck goose. So then duck, duck, goose became if it's not really related. Yeah, it's not quite a ding, ding, ding. It's felt like it was. Yeah, yeah, I get it.

Over these thousand episodes, we've got a lot of little things like that. How can you not? It's amazing. I wish we had been keeping a glossary. That would have been helpful. It's pretty amazing, you guys. Do you listen to podcasts? My obsession right now is really dark true crime.

Okay. Good, good. Sword and scale. Tell me. It is a true. Crime Podcast, but what I love about it is they're all individual. There's 400 episodes. So these are the episodes they don't show on Dateline. It's really dark. It's like hardcore porn. It's hardcore. It's an addiction. There's like a kid's store. I can't do that one or anything

with animals. I cut a lot of it out, but that's been my obsession lately. And then my fiance got me obsessed with near-death experiences. Oh. I can't get enough. My friend Elizabeth is very obsessed with that too. I cannot relate. Me either. Tell me about what the appeal is. I find it interesting. The few that I've listened to recently have a lot of similar patterns. We're talking people all over the world that are talking about these near-death experiences and the way that they're seeing angels and demons. It's fascinating to me. And a lot of their stories, they're not the same, but they have so many similarities. Yeah. And I find it unbelievable. And then these people that remember every moment and they talk about the light and they

going and they're like, oh my God, am I dead? But I'm not. And then they come back and they tell this story. I'm just kind of obsessed with it. It's interesting. It's interesting. Do you think because you ultimately have a great fear of death and you want to know that perhaps there's something more? We had this great expert.

I was talking about why we like true crime. Why do we like UFC? Why do we like war documentaries? It's because we get to model out our fears and hopefully learn. For true crime, women are obsessed with what did they miss? What was the thing that should have triggered? Oh, this was a dangerous person. And like you hope to gather defenses against this ever happening to you.

Right. So in that vein, do you think there's something happening with you wanting to know? Or is it just a random curiosity? I think it's a random curiosity. I think I was also curious because Tom is so obsessed with it that I wanted to understand his obsession. Yeah, yeah. He's so intrigued by God and all these different things and what happens when you die. And so he has this real love for learning about that.

So I think I wanted to be able to talk to him about it. So I started listening to and I thought, am I going to be into this? And now I am. I think it's fascinating. But he won't listen to any of the true crime. That's not his jam. Have you ever hit him with Dr. Death? Because I'm not a true crime person, but that one is the greatest.

That one is unbelievable. That's my favorite, I think, podcasts of all time. Unbelievable. He would probably like that one. He'd dig it because that's like a guy's narcissism running wild in the decapitation of a friend on the table. That's a great one. It's so scary. I know.

People are scary. I will take the time to peddle a podcast of mine called Beth's Dead that is out. Beth's Dead. Yes, it's 10 episodes and it is true crimey. Ooh. Yes. It takes a lot of twists and turns. Wait a minute.

I'm listening to that on the way home. Okay. I think you'll like it. I love that. Take some big twists and turns. It's kind of meta. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. No, I love that. I mean, that's the age we're in. I live so far, so I'm always listening to podcasts. Yeah. Have you had a near-death experience? No.

Isn't it weird that I kind of wish I did? I want one. No, it makes sense. Because I want to see what these people are. What are they seeing? I'm going to knock on wood again, though. I don't know what the definition is, but I have had the moment, which is among the most unique feelings I've ever had in my life, where I went, oh, I'm about to die. I was in the back seat of a car.

Like, I had folded the seats down in the back of a Ford probe in like a hatchback. And my friend was driving. We were coming back from Toledo back up to Detroit. It was like late at night. And I had to work super early in the morning. So I go, hey, I'm going to sleep in the back. Are you good to drive? Yeah, I'm totally fine.

He had the cruise control on 85. And I'm like back there, I'm listening. And the road was really rhythmic. It was like, just at that moment. I was like, oh, that rhythm is nice. I'm going to fall asleep. And then I just heard gravel hitting the side of the car. And I immediately looked up and he was completely slumped over.

And we'd gone off the road. And we're going 85. And the car started to go sideways. It's just pine trees lining that interstate in Michigan. again. And I started to go to grab the wheel and there was a moment. I just knew it was too far gone. Like we had gone completely sideways. I laid back down and then we just launched in the air and we started rolling right down the highway. And as this was happening, I'm waiting to just hit a tree. I'm like, we're going to hit a tree and that's going to be that. And I definitely had this

moment where I was like, oh, wow, I'm going to die in a second. And the feeling was shockingly comforting. That I remember. I went from complete fear. The car's out of control. Oh, my God, we're going to roll. Fuck, we're rolling. Oh, right. We're going to roll into a tree. I'm going to die like all that calculus.

And then I just went like, oh, and I got very calm. Whatever thing they give you, the DMT or whatever the weird chemical is, did definitely start getting released, I think, where I was kind of weirdly at total peace with it. And then we just rolled like 10 times, ended up upside down. We did not hit a tree. Wow. The car was fly out. We crawled out the windows.

The whole nine yards. Your friend was okay. He was okay and I was okay. That is terrifying. That's really interesting. A lot of the stories that I hear, people have a sense of calm, even if something bad is happening. A lot of them say these people that came back from having this death experience that the minute that you think they're in pain that's gone. If we watch someone, God forbid, someone dying or an accent or something that, if that experience is about to happen, not to worry.

Like, it's gone. Yeah, somehow the body calculates, we don't need to deal with that. We worry, but they're like, we want you to know. We're not feeling that. They're not like sitting there half alive, half alive. dead feeling this pain. Like it's gone. When they come back, they do.

Yeah. But that moment of the in between, whatever that means, all the stories seem to be the same where they're not feeling whatever is happening to them. Because we're all obviously so worried about that person or whatever, but they said that that's not the case. I'd want to talk to other folks because the trippiest part for me was host that event for about three days. Because I already went, oh, I'm dead and I accepted it.

For the next three days, I'd just be places and I felt very peculiar like, am I dead? I know I died. That was the weirdest part of the whole thing. Was this a long time ago? This was 12th grade in high school. Oh, you were a little. Okay. You don't forget shit like that.

Yeah, no. It was highly memorable. This may shock you, but I've never been able to fall asleep in a car ever since. So I can never let the other person take a turn driving. That's off the table. Oh, for sure. There's no way I could sleep with someone else driving.

That's a wrap on that. That makes sense. I mean, that's major PTSD. I have the gift of sleeping anywhere at any time. Oh, that's a good gift. Let's say we were working right now and they were like, you've got 20 minutes. I am not joking.

I could lay on this hard table and be out into dreamland. I can actually do it right here. If they were like, we need 20, I'd be like, okay, I have photos of this on set. I think I learned it for being on set. Yeah. I can literally go to sleep to a place of gone, to the point where someone has to physically wake me up. In any position known to me. Like, people are jealous of this.

That's rare. It's so jealous. I know. It's crazy. So on an airplane, you're like, Sionaro. Immediately. Immediately. The car made me think of this.

The car. couch is a luxury, but I would do it on the floor. About a needle. Anything. Have you ever fallen asleep driving the car? Never. No, anywhere. Planes, any seat, nothing is uncomfortable.

I can figure it out. I mean, the amount of sleeps in a director's chair that I can do is like a gift. This is another thing about your comfort level. A lot of people too are like, do I look insane sleeping? Listen, I got it at work. Okay. Yeah. My mouth will open and it's a gape.

Yeah, no, I get a little a gape too. I'm sure. I got to get a nap in. You know, these hours are nuts. Yeah. You got to prioritize your health. I don't give a shit. Kevin Hart posted something the other day.

He's the same. He can sleep in you. Did you see that? I've worked to them a few times and he used to fall asleep at different spots. And I would laugh because I was like, oh, my God, I can do the same thing. He can sleep anywhere too. But I think it's a gift. When you work the way you do, you have to find.

You figure it out. What did he post? Did he post him just sleeping? A couple different sleepings that people had taken some photos. I think he was on set of Jamang. Yes, yes, yes. And he's just like, out of cold. He was like at a dinner table at one point.

Just like, I see. No, I said, oh my God, I totally understand that. And do you sleep well at night? Yes. Okay, you're just good. I have the gift of sleep. I know. I love that for you.

I'm like very afraid that that's about to change. I just turned 40 and everyone's like, you'll never sleep well again. And I'm like, so far I've been fine. Also, okay, so the gift of that I'd imagine is you had a newborn. And my issue with waking up to do the feedings, we would break them up and do every other one. I can't fall back asleep. That's Tom. he cannot go back to sleep.

Once he's up, his life is over. Yeah. So we were definitely spoiled and had help at night. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I spent every dollar on help. We were like, if we have any money, that's where it's going. If you can, yes. So I don't know what that is like.

Good for you. People will say to me when we first had Matilda, they would say, oh, my God, it's amazing. You look so rested. I'm like, I am. I'm more than ever. I've always said it. Oh, my God. And they're like, I hate you.

I hate you. I said, I don't want anyone to think I'm magically looking awake. Right. didn't sleep all night. Like I always told, I wanted to wear a sign that was like, I slept. You're like full nine hours. I just want you to have the truth. Yes.

That's the truth. I appreciate that. Okay. Now, Tom. He says hi, by the way. Oh, he does. He loves you. He loves you from afar.

Okay, same. The timing of this is incredible because I watch Tass. Did you watch Tass? Yeah, I think I said. I said that's Haley's boyfriend. Oh, I don't remember you saying that. Yes. How good is that show?

Amazing. It's so good. And Kristen and I were watching it together in And both of us simultaneously were like, excuse me, who's this fucking guy? How could he be this good? And in this caliber of a show without me having seen him before. And then I learned he was in Ozark. And then, of course, last night I had to read about him.

And I'm like, oh my God, it's even better than I thought. Because he did the impossible. He started on soaps prominently so. 100%. And fucking clawed his way up to the peak of. cache on HBO? I know. What a gangster. No, it's really true. He is one of the ones. I'll let him tell you one day, but he loved his time on the soap. He was his best time of his life. He always talks about it in a beautiful way. I love that. He's like, I was out of my mind, out of control. He's like,

I was a part of here. I had the time of my life. Every woman in America was obsessed with him. He said it was so fun. He's such a chameleon because if you look at his work, half the things people don't even know it's hit. Like he's so, you know. The body is fucking top-not. too. I like a guy with that frame. It's so fucking hot. Oh, I know. It's ridiculous. I heard you say that you were stalking him on Instagram.

Oh, that's how you found him? No, but I did stalk him on it. Yeah, so I want to know the progression. Okay. Okay. So we have the same manager. Very each your Hollywood story. I was obviously going through a divorce however many years ago.

And we do need to talk about that because we were so into Carl. You wouldn't remember our interview. Oh, I remember. Of course. Remember how into Carl we were? Because Carl is wonderful. Yes, and he was in equestrian. Wonderful.

He wanted a gold medal this last year. He did something at the Olympic. He's amazing. I was not a single bad thing to say about that guy. But we were so into Carl that Rob came in one morning. He goes, you guys, Carl's gone. I know. I know.

I know. I know. I actually don't. I remember talking to you about it. Yes. I remember talking about it. Okay. So I was getting divorced.

And my manager, maybe six months later, said, we just signed this new guy. you got to meet him. It's six months. And I said, I'm not ready. No. And I shut it down. And by the way, I've been with my manager and my entire team. So I was 15 years old.

So they lose our family to me. Yeah. So she brings it up to me. I'm like, no, I'm not. It doesn't feel right yet. So she goes noted. So cut to April. Cut to four months later.

I'm bringing her as my plus one to New York to promote flight attendant. She goes, oh, this is great. I actually have a few different people. I'll see in New York. One of them is Tom. There was a premiere for Ozark. And she was going to go. So she goes, we can go to that together.

So she's saying all this to me. She's not scheming, but I remember this is the guy she mentioned before. Now, mind you, two weeks before I left for that, I guess you called a press store, but to promote flight attendant season two, we hadn't had a premiere for season one because of COVID. So season two for flight attendant, it was very excited. We got to, like, actually go out and do stuff. But I'll never forget, I was laying on the floor of this house that I shared with Carl. We were obviously divorced, divorcing. And it was the day of the premiere.

and I was on the floor sobbing, thinking I ruined my whole life. That is the lowest point of my life I ever had. I couldn't get up. I was so depressed. I thought I blew up my life. What am I going to fucking do now? Then you've got this weird, the other side, the premiere of my show tonight. This is the weirdest.

Is that what you call? Yes, I don't know. My hair and makeup girls came over. They were literally doing my hair and makeup on the floor. I said, I can't go. On the floor. I was so sad. Yeah.

Path for me was. so complicated and I just thought, oh man, this might have been it for me. Like, this is it for me. And then you're older because you're old, now you're worried I'll never find love again. Everything. Yes. So, I know, wow. It was horrible. So I knew two weeks later, we're going to New York to pro the show and my manager says, you want to go to the premiere Ozark with me? We can meet Tom. And I was like, she's still trying to set me up with this guy. Like, I don't think. So I decided to go on Instagram. And I only look him up. So I look him up and kind of looks like he's living up in the

woods and he's got these dogs and I'm like oh there's a dog I like so I'm like looking looking look and like by the I still have not met him I know nothing you know and you go real deep and you get afraid you're going to like something from like 2009 so can it is the where I'm like do not touch this phone you have to scroll on the very right side of it you cannot be anywhere near that hard button sitting on my hands like if you like something from 2010 he's been so embarrassing busted oh lordy so I scan scan scan scan scan and I get this feeling that I'm going to spend my life with him. And I texted my best friend, Zasha, in that moment.

She still has it. And I said, this is crazy, but I have to put it in writing. I think I'm going to meet the man I'm going to spend my life with. She goes, what do you mean? I'm like, just keep this text. And it was Tom. Wow. And I met him two weeks later.

Now, how much did the German Shepherd player roll in that? Loved that's a big stamp of it. It's a big stupe of me. Yeah. That was a big one. Also, he looked very like, that out in like the wood. Lug it, it wasn't like he was like selfie guy. It was more like where he was.

He was very mysterious. He didn't look actory, right? Not actor at all. Yes, that's what we're really saying. I'm going to be with an actor. You might have been a good fucking actor. Yeah. This is also a tough thing.

That's right. So I'm like, okay, he's cool. So, you know, I was thinking about it. I go, oh my God, maybe things are about to get better. So she takes me to the premiere and I'm still thinking, I can't if I'm going to meet this guy tonight. We get there and I'm in line bathroom. And I hear he has a very loud laugh. He has a lovely laugh.

You hear it from my way. And I heard his laugh. And I heard him say, so where is this Kaylee? He says it's my manager. And I like turn around and I look up at him and he gives me his big smile. And I'm like, I'm right here. Oh, this is like such a rom-com.

I've been here the whole time. I'm right here. That was it. And then you guys were just. Just in it. Yeah, so we go into the theater and he's sitting in front. Now, they're showing two episodes of Ozark.

This is a long night. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay. Now, we all want to watch Ozark, but right now all I want to do is fucking flirt my ass off. This guy who is sitting in front of me

who did not look back once. Oh. So I kept thinking, oh, my God. And I'm dying because I'm like, he's really not going to turn around for two and a half hours. And we laugh about it now because he's like, that whole time. I was like, don't look back.

Oh. Yeah. right behind him. So we go to the after. We're just like kind of shy. And after like two hours of not much conversation, he finally sits next to me. And by the way, my sister happened to be there too.

My sister's so gorgeous. She looked so hot that night. And I was like, Brie, can you please? If he goes for you tonight. Yeah. Please. She looks so good. She was laughing.

She's like, oh my God. I'm like, just get out of here. So luckily, he didn't go for her. So he comes in and he says, hey, how much longer are you here? I said a few more days. And you feel like I'd love to take you out tomorrow night. So we did.

Was he living there or he was just in town for the premiere as well? He lives in the upstate New York. Yeah, so he drove down for the premiere. And so the next night, I totally ditched my friends. We had plans to go to Harry Potter the musical. Oh, yes. Gave Monica's seizure. Yeah, you probably avoided a seizure, so don't worry.

I left to intermission. I said, guys, I got to meet this guy. And they're like, you're leaving us for that. And I planned the whole night. So we did. I jumped out. We had tea in the lobby of the hotel. Where was he sitting one hotel?

I was at the Whippy, so he met me there. It's my favorite hotel. And so we had tea, and I saw this is so bad, but he had a pack of cigarettes. Good for town. And I was like, it's hot. And I think he thought I would be like, ew. And I'm like, I'll have one of those. He was like, you will?

I think it's shocked you? Yeah. There was something about it. It's so bad. But he got so excited that I'd like have a smoke with him. And we did. We had a smoke. He was like trying to hide.

That's like his one little vice. Sure. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate First could save you hundreds on car insurance. That's smart. Not checking your phone's battery before heading out. That'll get you every time.

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a coffee that's one-fifth full. Yuck. Point is, you miss a lot unless you use HubSpot. Their customer platform gives you access to the data. You need to grow your business. The insights trapped in emails, call logs and transcripts, all that unstructured data that makes all the difference. Because when you know more, you grow more. And when you get a full cup of coffee, you can do more too. But I digress. Visit HubSpot.com today. So how do you then work out the fact that he's up in the woods in New York and you're in Westlake?

Well, we got pregnant like an hour later. Right. So this is the fact. We knew. Which is wild. because I never thought I would have kids. You didn't? You didn't think so.

I always loved him, but I felt like I missed the mark. And then with my ex, I kept thinking I didn't want kids with him or I don't know what it was. Something was missing. I knew it wasn't right for that. I thought, that's okay. I love my work. I was really okay with them. You got your animals.

I was fine. I think deep down I wasn't fine. But I met Tom, we both wanted it so bad. And then we got pregnant easily. And we were so excited. And I said, what are we going to do? You live there. I live here.

And he said he would move to L.A. And luckily, like I was telling you guys, I lived so far outside of L.A. that he was attracted to that area. Now I'll tell you the hardest thing is his move out here. He hates L.A. He's not L.A. guy. Yeah.

He's a New Yorker. But you have the funds to split this up a bit? And we do. No, we totally do. And he's been amazing. You know, look, one of us was going to have to give up. I love New York, but my family's all here. His family's there.

That's a tough. I've never dealt with that before. Yeah. I know that's been hard. He's the most brilliant actor. but he's not a Hollywood guy. Thank God. I'm not a Hollywood girl, but I'm in it.

Right. Whether I am or not. Yeah, you're very not a Hollywood. I'm not. Yeah, yeah. But it's also been my life. But you get splashed around. And it's been my life for so long that I am so used to what this life brings.

He's the actor's actor. He wants to do the acting thing without all the other stuff. He doesn't want it, which is what I love about him. So because I'm so used to all the stuff that comes with this, nothing phases me. And he's always amazed by that. He's like, I don't understand. And I just roll through. I don't care.

And it's not his scene. Yeah. Well, I would argue that you have worked so much that you had to develop that. Like, I just fucking keep moving, roll forward. What else am I going to do? You just have been doing it for so long. And I don't think there was ever a choice in that. I've always had that attitude.

There's never been like a minute where I'm like, I need to really. It just was this. Now, I will say. So I've been really curious post Big Bang. Obviously, you have an agenda, which I dig, which is like you've been really doing action, mystery. Yeah. This thing is a thriller, vanished.

Yeah. As much as you're like, yeah, shop, I'm going to do the thing. Are you like, well, now I want to do a bunch of stuff I didn't get to do it. It feels like there's an agenda. It kind of looks like that. It's not necessarily the case. It's just what you were interested in or landed in front of you. This business has gotten so fucking weird and difficult and hard.

And there's not a lot of great stuff. It's harder now. It's harder to make things. There's so much television. Yet at the same time, it's so complicated. And now here's a really nosy gross question, but what is it like to go from making an insane amount of money back down to making like a good amount of money? Is it an adjustment? I don't think about that.

I should think about it more, but I don't. I live the same as I did 20 years ago. Now it's different too with a child. Like there's different elements now, but I like the way that I live. I don't want to change that way that I live. It's the same way, though, where I'm in Tom and I have talked about this a lot because I'm so, I was going to say. brave. That's not the word. I don't remember that I am anyone. So I do things that where he's like, I am, I am so oblivious. And yet I've listened to so much true crime. I'm also very aware.

Sure. So like, how. It's someone's going to be behind me, that I know. Hypervigilant, but oblivious. You just forget you're famous. So I do things that he will be like, what are you doing? Yeah, like people know you. We take Matilda a lot to Chuck Echee cheese. And Tom always goes, you don't have to come to go, no, no, of course I want to come. And I'll be like, why? You do You don't want me to come? He's like, no, every time you come, he's like, do you understand what happens in Chuck E. And I laugh and I go, I swear to God, and I really mean this. I don't even think about it.

Wow. And you don't remember the last step to Chuck E. Zero in memory. I just remember having so much fun of Chuck Echise Matilda. Are people coming up to you or everyone's just looking at you? Just they get a little weird. Yeah. They're definitely filming you.

They're filming. Yeah. I don't care. Yeah, you're just not paying attention. Good for you. It's so healthy. I wish I could let that go. I know.

I don't care. Just the fuck up, Tom. I get this weird protective, hey, y'all, my kids are around. Don't fucking point a camera. Like, that kind of irks me. Yes. Me, I'm fine. You could film me taking a shit if you find me at the airport.

But if I'm with my kids. He's protective for sure. And again, he doesn't like that side of it. Yes. It's a gross size. It is gross. And I just don't notice it. He doesn't like award show.

He's like, what are we doing? And I'm there. I'm like, oh my God, I get to wear like the cutest dress. And you're seeing friends. You've known over the years. Yes. Yes. Yes.

But I get it. I'm looking at it through his eyes. I'm like, no, this is really fucked up. We're going to like these weird popularity contests. Yes. Not even really how good you are. Tell me I could really have a coffee. You would go to town.

We were, podcast was a... I know. Podcast was a thing this year. It was cool. I did it. I just felt so small. Oh. I mean, of course, right? That made me like...

No, but you're so not. I get what you're saying. We all feel small at those things. I was just talking to, oh, Kurtwood. I went out to eat with Kurtwood Smith, my favorite actor. He worked with Kurt when he was the dad on 70s show and he was in the Patriot. No, but he's amazing. He's amazing.

And I did a thing with him years ago and I just fell in love with him. And we had lunch either day. It was so sweet. And I was saying, you know, it's so funny. You're like, oh, yeah, I got invited to the big party. But in the second you get there, you're like, it's physically strata. It's like, okay, so movie people are down here close to the stage. And then the TV people are in this ring.

And then they dump the podcasters like in a corner of that far ring. You come and then you just feel like. Maybe there's also a part of me that's like, I'm not going to let that feeling be the reason I don't go. Right. Because there's so many people who are taking blinding photos of someone in front of you. And then you just walk right on the eye. It's terrible. And they do not care.

And even just between me and him, they don't want to do an interview with me solo. But if we go together, they'll do that. There's just so many things. And it is not lost on me that to get invited there is a big honor. Yes. It's a huge honor. It is. This is why people sound ungrateful, right?

Because they're going to hear it and be like, oh, like she's at the golden. I know. Boo, you got nominated for a gold medal. You weren't as popular as we're not going to Caprio so you don't want to go. It sounds crazy. And I just go like, so you're putting you know how you don't care about shit. Yeah. I go like, yeah, guess what?

You caught me. I'm sensitive. Guess what? I'm guilty of being sensitive. My goal, I guess, in life is to not have the feelings of being small. Of course. Just not going is not going to fix that. That's very true.

And I admire that. Right. You shouldn't let an insecurity prevent you from being at the places you do want to be. Yeah. Oh my God. Tom would love you. He would get so deep with you on this shit. We'll bring our kids to this fucking farm and let them get attacked by a zonky. Or mulled by a pig. She's friendly. Okay. So interesting. So you have a healthy thing about the money. When I think about retiring, yeah, I get really afraid of like, am I going to go like, oh wait, I liked my savings increasing, not diminishing. That scares me. Well, also that big bang time, I guess. What an appropriate title.

The Big Bank time. I never said that before. That was good. That just like came out. The Big Bank. That was really once in it. Like I can't even think to be like, oh, I wish I had that again. That never crosses my mind.

I have the same thing. It's like when this is over, this will never happen again. It's special. This is a moment in time. And I feel that way about Big Bang. That was like its own life. I will never go back to that. I talk about it with so much love.

But life is different now. Yeah. It just doesn't. look that way. We'll never look that way again. Right. Right. Just the way else the business is gone and there's just no way. How is O Norman going? It's going great. It is. Do you enjoy that? You launched a

pet food company with really cute names. Chill the fuck out? Chill the fuck out? Or chill the F out? Yeah. A lot of F. Cute. Yeah. Like calm the F down. Stop Fee niching. W. What the Fuck treats. WTF treats. Oh, I love it. They're really cute. The packaging is amazing. And it's all super

healthy ingredients, all naturally made sustainable. It's been an awesome adventure. We're two years old. I'm fully involved. Like every name, every product, everything. I am obsessed because also for years, obviously because of my animal obsession, people have come to me to do something like this and I've always said no. Yes. So this was now the moment to do it. And so now that I'm doing it, I want people to know that I mean it. It's so authentic to me. It's like if someone was a influencer and they're doing makeup, it makes sense for them. Like, this makes sense for me. So I want them to know that everything I'm telling you, I'm doing, I'm using,

I'm this and that. And I want it to feel very girl next door. So we've kind of created it in a way where half the videos I'm doing on my phone. Like it's all just everyday stuff. Great. You have such a charm. She also pitched herself to be the host of the NFL honors ceremony. Let me tell you something.

Tell me. This is so funny you're bringing this up. Okay. Last year I thought I was getting that gig. How could you have not based on that video? Snoop Dog. Well. Okay.

That was amazing. You can stomach that. This year, John Hamm now is hosting. Get a chick up there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am waiting my turn. I know all about football. Yeah.

I know a lot and I love it. So I feel like I'm such a good candidate for this. Yes. But now I feel like I'm getting lower on the list. And it's just funny you say this because literally two days ago in our house, I was like, John Hamm's hosting this? Yeah. Where am I going to get my shot?

Put a trick up there. I agree. And it should be you because you've been. You've been putting yourself out there. Putting the effort. You've earned it. I feel I've earned it. I can be funny.

I am not mean. I am fun. I understand the game. Have you ever hosted anything? Yes. What have you hosted? Early in my Big Bang days, I hosted people's choice twice. Oh, wow.

Okay. That's a big affair. Choice awards once or twice. I don't like this for you. I don't like what's happened to you. I appreciate that. It's changing me. I mean that I'm not able to be this host of this NFL honors.

It drives me crazy. Then they're like, well, we'd love you. to come present. I'm like, no. I don't even know what the honors is. What is that? Is that their Academy Awards? Yes. It's basically after the whole year, I mean, you got, you're doing MVP, you're handing out all these cool. Yeah. For a football lover,

it's awesome. For a sports lover, it's awesome. Great. So it's just funny you say that because this has been hot on my mind. She starts a video in a jersey. Thank you. You remember that. Yes. You had a great premise, which is I know a lot about football, but I have zero loyalty. Whoever is winning. It started with like, so-and-so was in

first. I loved them. Yep. But then so and so shit the bad. Gough, I'm all about God. And I'm a Rams fan. I'm from L.A. Then the Lions crushed him. Now I'm a Lions fan. I'm now.

Oh, Kelsey. I'll go right to the Kansas City. Like, I just went through the whole thing. I like audition. What if they ask you next year? What are you going to say? 100%. Yes.

Oh, I'm not, listen. I will wait years. You're not petty. No. There was a job recently. I won't say the name of it because I feel like it's going to come out and it's going to be like, oh my God, that was the one. This just shows you this business.

It doesn't matter who you are what you've done. I wanted this job so bad. And they kept say, oh, you know, we're going to go so and so. And okay, well, if we don't go and so and so, these people kept turning it down, these different actors, this. At this point, I was fifth in line. And I remember my team was like, at this point, like, fuck them. I'm like, yeah.

No, no, no, no, no. I still want this. And by the way, I did not get this job. And I laughed because I'm like, I couldn't believe the team was like, if they actually say yes to you now, now we're saying no to them because this is getting offensive. and like, I don't care. I want the job. Good for you.

You're so healthy. And now I'm like, I couldn't believe I didn't get it. I didn't get it. It'll come out. By next time I see you, we'll talk about it because it'll come out. I'm curious. I know. But it just shows you like it doesn't matter.

Yeah. They didn't want me. I wasn't right for it. By the way, I know I'm good. Yeah. So if they didn't see me for that, it's okay. It doesn't mean all of a sudden I'm not good. Yeah, it was a talent base.

No, it's like, okay, they're over those insecurities. I don't feel that way. I'm like, that's not the look. they're going for. It's obvious it's not. So, okay, that's fine. But like, it doesn't mean I go home, like, oh, I guess they didn't want me. They know I'm good. Was it to play a historical black woman? Yeah, isn't that weird? They wouldn't hire me to say, I know you really tried, but that. We just didn't see it. We don't need to see the audition tape for that. You don't need to. No. Please, God, no. You just can't get everything. I don't know. Well, then I guess learning about

how chill you are about all of it. The one question I didn't ask you last time that I was curious about is, When I look at your resume, the thing that feels like it could have been a very dicey situation was walking into Charmed Season 8. Girl. Was it a dicey? It's funny. You know when you do so many things and you just forget about terrible moments? Compartmental.

I have to say, though, I was 21 because I remember I turned 21 on that. And if I knew what I knew now, I don't think I would have ever let this happen. I started out that job in their gallery shoot. Imagine this. I've never met anyone. It's their gallery shoot. Okay, for those in home. A gallery shoot, you're starting season eight,

you're going to go do new photos with the cast. It's an all-day thing. Everyone's together and you're all wearing black and then you're all wearing red. So I'm the new girl. You got Alyssa Milano, Rose McGowan, and Holly Marie Combs. I've never met them.

Yeah. Think about that. I'm joining their family photo. And I'm 21. I'm the hottest I've ever been by the way. I'm thinking I'm like the coolest thing ever. But also terrified. I'm going to tell you the,

Loveliest story about Alyssa Milano. I walk in that gallery and I am so freaking nervous. It's on their lunch break. They're all in the corners eating. I walk in. Lizamilano sees me and I will always tell this story about her. She got up, ran over to me, welcome to the show, give me the biggest hug in the world.

We're so happy. You're so kind. I will never forget that. In fact, ever since then, and I was like this before that moment, but I make sure I'd do that to anybody. Because that was the nicest thing she could have ever done to me. it just made me feel, oh my God, huge hug.

So glad you're here. Rose, maybe not as happy. Sure, sure. I don't know. I don't know. Sure. I still don't know if she liked me. I don't know.

But Alyssa was amazing. I was terrified. Oh. Yeah. It's a weird thing coming into a show with a many years. Yeah. Year eight. I was year eight.

And I only did the one season. I think about that with Big Bang because obviously I started Big Bang after that. We were on that show for 12 years. You know each other so well. 12 years. So anyone that came in, I was very aware of like, this must be so weird for you. So I always remembered that from Alyssa to this day. And I was like that before that.

But still, you got to go the extra mile in a situation like that. Well, because it's weird. It's walking into someone's family dinner. It's so weird. Everyone's close. That's tough. Well, in the hotness is not great either. And I was super hot.

Yeah, it's not helpful. I can lose 20 years ago. I don't think that helps. Although Alyssa was hot then. She's hot now. She's also a horse lover. She might have smelt out animals. She had a chihuahua there.

She was amazing. How many dogs do you have in your house? We have four. Okay, that's totally reasonable. It's not crazy. It's a low number for us. I thought it was going to be much scary. We're usually at the sixth mark. I love rescuing seniors, so they don't last as long.

And how's the barking in the house? Insane. Horrible. Okay. You want to get anything done in our house? Don't even. Help me understand how you guys are fine with that because I live with a tremendous amount of barking. I have nothing to say to you.

It's terrible. Yeah. It's all the time. They see a leaf. Yeah. There's a squirrel. There's a visitor. The doorbird rings.

At this point, I think I do want to black out our front door. Because I think anything now. Maybe put eye patches over them for at least a couple hours of the day so we can fucking blinders. Listen, there's annoying. There's no way to tell you it. How does Tom feel about it? He hates it. Yeah.

He's like, I can't do a Zoom. I go, I know. Don't even try to get work done in this house. Yeah. So if you want to have a phone call, if you want to do anything, you got to make. You want to take a nap. You got to get the kid out of the house. You get the dogs.

It's totally insane. Here's another thing. While I'm marrying my grievances. Yeah. We got one dog that'll just eat anything that's in the trash. Tampon. We've had that. My poor sister had to pull a tampon on one of their butts mid-dump.

We call that garbage gut and we have a dog like that too. So I have to have a rack in my bathroom for my fucking trash can because the dog will just make a shit style of everything. He goes through everything. I have to pull my. trash can out of this little fucking cart I have. And I'm like, this is madness. It's a lifestyle. Everything you're saying has happened to us. It's sweet that they're seniors, though. That's nice. And we decided to adopt a cane corso. Do you know this breed? We have a cane corso. She's gigantic. They're big, right? Yes, yes, yes. She's too. She's awful. We love her. I mean, Tom's like,

we got to have a big dog. I understand. I like both. We rescued a puppy cane corso. And she's eating our house. And when I say that, so walls. Yeah. Walls. Oh my God. Sharks of walls. Just ruining your home. The yard. We have no yard anymore. I know what you're going to do, not have them. That's what a lot of people do. We have to have them. I have to have them. I know. I think it's a sickness. It's a problem. It would make the most sense that you guys lived in a tent in the backyard and just gave them the house. Oh, oh, we live in their house. I love. I love. I 11 people come to our house and they go, oh, should we take our shoes off of them? Leave your shoes on. Because I don't know what you're going to step in for your own help.

This is not our home. Like, we live in a dog park. Please wear your shoes in our house. I will acknowledge the only upside is there's no way your house is ever getting robbed, right? If someone comes up, there's got to be a cacophony of fucking chaos. That park with our corso is the scariest thing. Do the dogs sleep with you? This is the big question.

We've had all kinds of waves. I did have to create a little boundary. I need at least one area of this house that is dog-free. And so that became our bedroom, but that quickly eroded. So basically now one of the dogs is allowed to be on the bed. The other one's not. Okay. Which is insanely mean, but I don't give a fuck.

I know, I know. I know. The ones is looking at the one. I'm like, yeah, I'm sorry. You're a piece of shit. And this one's slightly less piece of shit. Yeah, 100%. I'm like, is there one room we can dedicate?

Is that on the table? Even if you guys agree to it, that quickly goes out the window. It's like, oh, he's so lonely. I'm like, this motherfucker's supposed to be living in the woods. No, I know. The bed thing with the dogs, and Tom loves dogs, but the problem is because we have two that are so old, they do that thing where they're up a lot.

You know, it's the roaming. Yes. The dementia. The dementia. No, it is. Oh, God. And so it's a little wire we're barking at 3 a.m. Oh.

Oh. He was like, I can't do this. And I'm like, I understand. So he started sleeping in the guest room. Yeah, that's what happens. Which, by the way, game change. Yeah, I feel like people need to embrace that more. I'll tell you why.

Tom is a night owl. Goes to bed very late. I go to bed earlier because I'm the one who gets up until in the morning. And then we have help during the day, but I'm up with her in the morning. If he's not working, he will tell you. He is a night owl. He writes at night he reads. It's his quiet time.

So he's up late and wakes up late. On a non-working day, we establish this from day one. I go to bed early and I wake up early. We're totally on different sleeping schedules. Yes. So I get up with Matilda, I'm tiptoeing around the bedroom, Matilda, Dad, you know. I'm like, why are we? He's like, I can't sleep.

Then he wakes up. He can't go back to sleep. It's terrible. The dogs are like, now it's 5 a.m. It's time to go out. Like, it's just like, he's like, how do you feel if I sleep in that other room? We do couples therapy and we love it. That's great.

It's amazing. Yes. So he brings this up and at first I'm like, what will people think? And he's like, I never see you at night. I don't see him. It's not our sexy time. We don't cuddle.

We don't see each other at night. He goes, why do you care? And I sat there and I went, God, I don't. And he goes, let's try it. Game changer. He's happy. You're happy. 100%.

Nothing happens but sleep in those beds. He didn't move into the bathroom. But he sleeps down there. He sleeps great. No dogs in his way. I'm up with Matilda at 7 a.m. She comes in bed with me. I can turn things on.

I don't have to worry about waking him up. It just works for us. Yes, yes, yes, yes. We don't go walking to the bedroom, hold his hand in hand to watch a TV show to go. That's not. You were never doing that. Never doing that.

And he kind of explained them, but he's like, what are you losing by this? Because I thought, this is not good. Appearance is all you're losing. I really thought that. And my brain didn't realize it was that, but I thought, this doesn't look good.

And he's like, do you see me at night? Yeah. And I'm like, I don't because I'm always asleep when he comes to bed. But I had. to realize that because it hit me in a way that I thought it didn't look good. Best decision we ever made. It's hysterical and he sleeps better. There's no dogs in his bed. I can handle the dogs and batter to me. So we had this realization, but I didn't know why I thought it was so looked down upon. There are so many ideas. I mean, same with what you were saying about

kids. There's so many ideas of what is a good marriage or what is a good partnership. And it's all so stupid. It's arbitrary. I think we just saw it on TV. Right. A. So you're like, well, that's not what I saw on TV. 100%. B, when I grew up, when there was a stepdad around, we didn't have the extra room for that. It even been an option. So I don't know if they would have preferred that. It was never modeled. It was never modeled and it was never talked about. This is kind of a new thing. People are talking a lot about this now, too. It's kind of interesting. And it definitely was like no one was talking about that. Sleep now is getting so much more conversation. Everyone's like, you need it. You have to get it or you'll die. It takes like 30 years off your life if you don't get this.

It's like, oh my God. No, we're. We're such happier people now after deciding. And it's so funny because as I've been preaching, this is why I'm like, I don't care, I don't care, I don't care what people say about my parenting. And then I got so worried about what this looks like. Yeah. And I realized, who cares? It works great for us.

We're like so much happier. You're going to suffer to make other people happy. And to be like, what did it look like? It was just funny because we had to talk about it in our session because he really was so funny. He's like, what are you losing by this happening? I was like, literally nothing. Right.

And it's just all big win. We love our TV time. together, but we never do that in bed. You're not rolling over and fucking in the middle of the night. You're not 20. We are not those people. No. I need to sleep.

Yeah. Listen, we need to sleep. Do you think maybe, though, that has to do with some trauma around divorce? Me? Yeah. The sleeping. Well, just like, oh, no, if we're not sleeping together, like his next step this. Yes.

Or what does it look like? Because everyone knows I've had these divorces. I think all that went through my brain really quickly. Yeah. And then I realized I'm actually. doing something really good for my relationship. Yes. Okay, let's talk about Vanish.

How did Vanish come your way? There were a lot of boxes that were checked for me with this, although I was terrified to go across the country away from. My daughter was only like two at the time, so I was like, am I doing this? In the show, I watched the pilot last night. You're in Paris. We're in France. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The whole show is about this trip that happens in France. When they said we were going to shoot there, I was like, oh, my God, like, how am I going to do this? And I had just spent basically six months prior to that in Philadelphia with Tom while he was shooting task. I went there and he did that and I was like, Mrs. Mom and it was amazing. And then when this came up, I was like, six months of Philadelphia feels different than going two months in France. How do we do this? Am I going alone? Are you coming with me?

Am I making my kid go? I didn't want to make her go, but do I leave her? It definitely messed with me. There were so many years where I would have fellow mom friends who kind of would be tormented over these decisions. and I have to admit, I would kind of be like, fucking fine. Leave her. Who can't? I don't care.

I regret ever saying that because it did mess with me on how I'm going to do that. So I fully take that back. So it was kind of a big decision to go, but the script was so fun and two months isn't eternal. And Tom was encouraging me to go do this. He's like, we'll take care of everything here. And he was so great about it. If there was even 2% less of what he gave, I don't think I would have gone.

It's a lot. He was kind of Mr. Mom. We have tons of help, but he did a lot. while I was gone those few months. And he had the time of his life with her. And she was having so much fun. Yeah, it's really special. So it was special.

Yeah, it was sweet. And she could care less that I was gone. I was just talking about this. He met in times I would call and she was doing something. She's like, you can't make it to the phone. Literally like in a class on a play date. It wasn't like she was like, where's mommy, which is what you want. You don't want her asking where I am.

And it was great. I went in this adventure and it was like so fun. And it's only four episodes, like so quick. And I don't know. It was kind of a fun blip in time. It's an awesome thriller. It's fun. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare.

So we meet you and you are an archaeologist. Yes. And you're coming back from Albania where you've been on a dig. And you're meeting up with your English boyfriend. My boyfriend. Okay. He's like Doctors Without Borders type of guy. Yes. Yes.

Okay. And we learn right out of the gates. They've met in Paris to join up, and we learn, right, that you're going to get a job as a professor in Princeton. Yes. By the way, this is kind of mirroring you and Tom. Also, you watched. I watched the shit out of it. You've got a lot of detail.

Thank you. You're not even reading it. You're literally saying it. I just watched it. Don't give me too much credit. So we've got a interpersonal challenge on our hands. Will these two vagabonds settle down in New Jersey and you teach at Princeton? What's interesting is I'm watching that scene and I'm like,

like, does he want to go? That's what you're trying to figure out. You're trying to read him. What are you going to say? No, I'm not going to join you. They've been together for four years. And so it's looking pretty promising. He says he's in.

And then we find out he's got this magical trip. He's going to take you to this hotel. They couldn't afford, but he called in a favor. Now we're going to go, now we're on a train. And this is romantic. And we think they're going to maybe get engaged. I fall asleep on the train, which I'm good at. Yeah, I bet you might have even.

They caught me from real. They said, get this because it's so real. And I was like, Okay, I'm ready to go now. I'm going off on tangents. No, we love it. I'm very claustrophobic to the point of detrimental. It's ruining my life.

What are you doing on an airplane? You're in a tube. It's tough. It's tough. Yeah. That's why you sleep everywhere. You're kind of like disassociating. It might be disassociating from life.

I can't even sit in a Tesla. That front thing. Sure. So the train really mess with me. Okay. So. Wake up on the train. He are on the train and he takes a phone call.

Yes. I wake up on a moving train and he's gone. Hence the vanishing. And I'm running up down the train. I'm trying to find him. And no idea what happened to him. I think, did the train stop? Was I napping when it stopped?

Did he get off? And she gets off at the next stop. And she's lost in this country. And she's in Marseille, France. And she is like, I don't know what the hell to do. Goes the authorities. They seem a little off. She meets a reporter.

Where did he go? And did he leave on purpose? And it's kind of this strange mystery. And it's like, does she just go home or does her curiosity make her want to find? I mean, Marseille, where we shot, the background of this show is very small. So once I learned that, because I swear I saw that entire city over two months, I'm like, you could find someone here. It's a port town unless they got on a boat.

She could look for him for a minute. You could believe that she could, if she tried really hard, maybe actually figure this out. But the French inspector is a prick. Yeah. He's very condescending. A little misogyny happening. Yeah, for sure. Yeah.

And a lot of maybe he isn't who I thought he would. You know, that's a TV I love. I love it too. I love a hoodonid. I love like, ooh, you're not who we thought you were. Okay. Well, the very last frame of the pilot, which I will not give away, but she does discover something where you really go, oh, my goodness.

Yeah, he's definitely not who we think he is. What he's presented as. I didn't trust him to begin with. He's too charming. I mean, he's too cute. He's sweet. He's doing too many good things. Yeah.

Is it Benji or do you have to wait week to week? Benji. Okay, thank God. I think, you know what? We don't know. We don't know. I actually don't know the answer. Also, what is MGM Plus?

Because I've never worked with MGM Plus before. Is that not part of prime? They've been lovely. Nothing's part of anything. Okay. This is all 97 different things. This is where we're at. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

But they've been amazing and they are part of prime. So eventually this will be on prime, but it's going to start MGM Plus. The amount of television now, it's incredible, but it's so widespread. It is. What do you see? What do you watch? It's fragmented. And you would also think that would mean so many jobs.

I know. Why is it not? Why is it not? Why are people like, we're not making any. We're not working. I know. It blows my mind. I think there's a lot of reality.

There's a lot of dogs. The strike and the new contract really fuck things up. That's a fact. It started with COVID, I think, ruined everything. And then it never survived. And then that pushed over the edge. This is four episodes. Kristen's show, I think, is 10.

Yeah. Shows are eight. Yeah. It's not like 24. So you're going to get paychecks for 24. Who's doing 24? Pit. Is that who still is doing full season?

18? No, I think. I think it's 14 or 15. It feels like a ton because we're not used to that anymore, but it's not like 20. It's not 22 or anything. I feel like they're one of the ones that do more than normal. I thought it was 24. 15.

Oh, it's 15. Okay. I mean, I made that up. I was thinking of a day. Because it is one day, but I think it's a shift. One shift. I know so much about the pit. Detailed and so intense that I'm like, how do you do that?

It's so good. I think it's fantastic. I have never been happier for an actor in my life. I know. The Noah Renaissance is making me so happy. The Noah'ssance, him winning. You know when you see someone really deserve it? Yeah.

That is just a good feel. And the nicest guy. Has he been on this show? He hasn't. But I actually went up to him at the Emmys last year because I was a plus one. I just wanted to introduce myself to him and tell him how much Monica loves him. He said, oh, I've been on your hay ride. I do a hay ride in my neighborhood for Halloween.

And I'm like, what do you mean you're on my hay ride? He's like, yeah, I was on your hair. I'm like, well, why wouldn't you have said hi? He's like, well, I don't want to bother you. You were driving the thing. Like with his kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the nicest dude ever.

I love seeing people that have been doing this a long time. I know. And they have like this another moment. It's cool. Also the lift of that show. Like when I'm watching it, I'm panicked because of the stakes. Yes. But then I'm panicked as an actor.

Oh, my God. I'm like, how in the fuck do you memorize all that medical jar again? And let it rip. Like, it's your second language. Like, you really know it. Not a chance. You couldn't pay me enough money. I ain't doing any medical show.

I don't want to be a lawyer. Yeah. Like, I've got limits now. Sure. I just won't. Yeah, boundaries. I won't. I am amazed by people that can do that.

Oh, well, Kaylee, I adore you. You're such a fun guest. I know. How fun you have to come back. Advantage is great. And it's a fucking who-dunit. It's a mystery. It's a thriller.

You're an investigator. You walk up steep hills. Oh, that's hard. You find pieces of gum. I walk up a lot of stupid. That's hard. And I run a lot. Oh, wow.

I run a lot. Run all over Marseille. Wow. Okay, out on MGM Plus now. Just another streamer for you guys to invest in. Stream the shit out of it. All right. We'll do this again.

Thank you. I'm bringing Tom next time. Oh, please. Thank you guys. Stay tuned for the facts check so you can hear all the facts that were wrong. Okay, let's address the elephant in the room. Oh, God, what is the elephant in the room? It looks like I have lip filler.

Okay, I didn't think that. You didn't? I know, I was just talking to you for a good 40-out. And you didn't think it. No, not once. Even when I first walked in, because it does look like it's gone down a little bit. No. Okay, well, when I woke up, I was like, oh, no, my top lip really looks like I have filler in there.

but it's because I have a very small but significant under the skin pimple right above my lip. So it's like swollen. Okay. You at least have a good explanation. Yeah. But it looked wild. I don't think anyone. I already have prominent lips.

So it looked really weird. I did. I can have two prominent. Well, too prominent if it looks very surgical. Right. We have a guest coming up, and the two of you, two of you are just embarrassing the world with the lips. Oh, I didn't notice hers. Or did we talk about it?

No, maybe we talked about it. Indian blindness, I think. Yeah. Yeah. I think Indian is. We internalized racism. Couldn't even see it. Couldn't see.

I do think some Indians have bigger lips. I think that's. Probably genetic and hereditary. Yeah. But my mom doesn't really have big lips, I don't think. Your grandma's got a beautiful set of kissers on her. Look at her over there. Oh, I guess.

Huckered up. She's begging for a smooch right there. Oh, I guess you're right. Yeah. My mom probably does then have the same, and I guess I do. It's been too long since I stared at her. She's just gorgeous. She is.

I wonder she shaved the side of her. hair. This guest that's coming up. Oh, yeah. I will say one thing, too. Like, none of her bio or anything could I, did it mention anything about ethnicity? Mm-hmm. But then I was going through her Instagram.

There was a photo of this guest. Yeah. Her and her husband. And he's a Caucasoid. Sure. But he was in him. Who's dressed up? Yeah, I want to say him, not emboldened, not embossed, not a, I know, something that

means like beautified. Oh, nice. Yeah, he was like regal. Yeah. Resplendent. Oh. That's what I wanted to say. He was resplendent in Pakistani traditional wedding gear.

Oh, nice. I think my dad wore a suit. Yeah. I'm picturing the picture, their wedding picture, and I'm pretty sure he's in a suit. Although he's starting an Easter egg. A medication-ish. Oh. of vitamin.

Yeah, a probiotic. We had a guest on and they have a product that's not normal for us, but they had a product that we all wanted, so we all got it, and I sent it to my dad, and he's given it a whirl. How many days into it, is he? I think only a couple days. Okay. But I'm going to check it. I'm going to try it if you ever bring it over.

You're holding it hostage. I guess maybe when you move into your house, I hope that makes the move is all I can hope. It's refrigerated. Which means it will or won't make the, I know. I can see you just leaving, like, don't even open the fridge and just walk out the door. Do you want to keep it as an office? That's a kind of dumb thoughts I have. No, I already, I've been, for years, I've been like, what am I going to do?

Am I going to keep it? Am I going to, yeah, use it as an office when I, like, have an office? It's a crazy thing. Also, that apartment is notoriously where I don't like to do work. That's right. I always leave to go work. So that would be very silly for me to keep it as a place to do work. But I often make silly decisions.

Yeah, there's some kind of lost bias. Because as you know, I had this apartment in Santa Monica. It was $600 a month. Yeah. I mean, anything even when I left, they're allowed to raise it 5% a year or whatever. I think it was up, you know, $6.75 maybe we were at. Yeah. And then when I left, Bree stayed there for a year.

And she even called me. She's like, you know, all right, I'm going to be moving out. I know you had thoughts about you. And I'm like, yeah, should I keep it as close to the beach? I mean, all these dumb things. Things you never do. Just because I can't stand the thought of, I know at that point that apartment was probably $1,800 a month.

Yeah, I know. And you, I feel like I'm giving up $1,200 a month. Which is it doesn't make any sense whatsoever, but that's what it feels like. That's boy math as opposed to girl math. Yes. But I get it. I have the same thing. I'm like, that apartment's going to skyrocket as soon as I leave.

Yeah, and you're losing that money somehow. Yeah, somehow that's money out of my pocket, which makes no sense because currently I'm paying rent and a mortgage. So all I'm doing is not paying rent anymore, which I need to be doing. Yeah, yeah. Anyway, but it's all upon us. The real windball of money is to not be paying the rent. Exactly. Not getting the rent control. I know. Why do our brains, our brains do this? Well, we learned about Easter egg. We learned about attachment today. We're getting a real jump on Easter this year. Yeah, we sure are. An attachment is actually not about this, but I somehow, connect it. And the word works.

It works. It works. When it works, you work it. Yeah. Work it, you're worth it. That's what we say at the end of our prayer. You know. It works. You work it. It's funny that we had that guest on about attachment because I was thinking the other day about me being little. And I was so shy and so attached to my parents. Yeah, it's hard to imagine. It's very hard to imagine.

And I was thinking like, oh, that's so sad for them. For the parent, yes. Like, they probably were annoyed by it. So they probably caused it. So I don't feel bad anymore. But, like, I was, like, so, like, I had to be with them and near them at all times. And now, like, it just want me to call. This is the heartbreak of parents.

I, that sounds like, I don't understand how parents do that. That sounds too. That's too much. Yeah. It's, um, that's so heartbreaking. It's creeping our way. Yeah. It's just heartbreaking.

Oh. Which brings me to my ding, ding, dang. Yes. So I have brought Lincoln to Disneyland for her birthday. Yeah. I think for four years straight or something. Yep. Maybe five.

Delta rightly so is like, what's all this bullshit she gets to go every year? Yep. And then I tried to say, well, you get a roller skating party. And she's like, that's your party, that's. She rightly said that's your party. I didn't have a rebuttal for that. At any rate, I'm like, yeah, she hasn't been to Disneyland forever. We live so close.

You can go. And then she is different than Lincoln because when we go, it's me, Charlie, Ace, and Lincoln, always. So I'm very dialed in. You know, we're in her, because she's more like probably you when you were a kid, right? She's like pretty glued to me in a great way. Lincoln. Yeah. And then so I asked Delta and she's like, okay.

I was so she starts listening virtually her whole class. I'm like, okay, we got to pair this down. Yeah. So we got it down to four girls. There was four girls. Yeah. And one of the girls got dropped off. And I said, have you met Ryan Hansen?

And she's like, no. Like, of course. Like, I just picture an adult asking me when I was a little kid, I know another adult. Yeah. Of course, I don't know. Right. Anyways, I'm like, well, listen, you think Disneyland's going to be the highlight of this trip. And oh, my friend, you are wrong.

It is going to be Ryan Hansen. He's the world's funnest dad ever. He really is. I'm so glad. I had him. God, is he a good time. He was a party pumper if people don't remember. People don't know. As an occupation in high school. That's right. Professional party pumper. And he is not. He has not given up the job. No, he's still on it. So we left at three and heavy, heavy traffic. Ryan had a playlist. Oh, nice. And we went down there.

and we checked into the hotel. And as we were checking in, the girls are like, they're running way ahead of us in the hallway. And we were talking about, like, it's so fun. Hallways are so fun when you're a kid. I know. A hotel hallway. Like, you feel like you're running so fast because the doors are next to you.

So they're like whipping by. You think you're going 60 miles an hour. And it's really soft because it's carpet. So it's like irresistible. So they're flying down the thing. And I said to Ryan, I said, well, I hope this isn't one of those trips. You know, you never.

four girls cannot go to Vegas together. Four girls go to Vegas together. Two of them are going to be on the bottom of the elevator crying and drunk at one point going, Becky's such a bitch. She never fucking pays attention. He's so mean to me. Can I tell you how many times the elevator doors have opened in Vegas and I'm watching one girl and they're crying one of the three girls are like.

I'm going to blame that more on the alcohol and the, there is an interesting dynamic. Yeah, yeah. Oh, for sure. Like, before guys go to Vegas, they just never, no one ever ends up, no one ever ends up on the bottom of the elevator crying. Like, someone might be over someone's shoulder because they blacked out and passed out. But there's not really that. Or they're in jail.

No one's emotions ever get triggered on the. They're sad emotions. Anger emotions, I think, get triggered. Yeah. That's fair. I just know it can get real messy when you get four. I've been. I mean, I've done that.

It's, yeah. Yeah. Stay tuned for more armchair expert if you dare. It's just so funny. Yeah. It's also sleepover. Girls sleepovers. There's always someone that has to call their mom to go home because they're upset.

And there's like a click. Like somehow there's a click. And then everyone like. Oh, yeah. Brutal. Also, the room had, it was two rooms adjoining with a little living room in the middle. Uh-huh. And so one of the rooms had two.

two queen-sized beds or two, whatever that size is that you get in a room with two beds. And then the other room had a king-sized bed. Okay. And before we left and all talking about it, I was like, this is great. Ryan will sleep with his daughter. I'll sleep with my daughter. The other two girls will sleep in a king-sized bed. Oh.

Bob's your uncle. Great. Okay. So five minutes into being in the hotel room, that's not going to be the plan. They all want to sleep together in the same room. And I'm like, yeah. That does make. sense.

Yeah. But then, you know. Then it's you and Ryan have to bear it? Well, yeah. So Ryan's like, oh, yeah, I'll sleep on the couch. I'm like, dude, you don't have to sleep on the couch. I sleep in bed with Aaron. We can sleep in the king's ice bed. Oh, but why didn't you guys each take a queen and the girls take the king? Four in the king? There's only one king. Right.

You can put four girls in one king's ice bed? Oh, I thought they wanted to all be in the same bed. In the same room. Oh. So they've commandeered the room with two beds. I got it. I thought Ryan and I were going to be. Got it.

But no, now the dads are sleeping together. And Ryan and I both are gassy. Like, I'm already thinking. Oh, no. Yeah, like, and Ryan would admit this. Yeah. In my family, I'm the gaseous. There's not all on that.

And I often, I have a thing called out and a way. And you know about out and away. And then we're together and I got a two, dad goes outside the house and I pull my pants down and I fart. and that's out and away. And then I pull them back up. That way, none of the two is in my clothes when I walk back inside. I could not be more courteous about this.

But paparazzi is going to catch you doing this one day. Well, I'd be proud to stand by out in a way. It's a great policy. If your dad, use out in a way, you just step out the front door. God. You can even spread your cheeks if you want to make sure everything is away. Oh, no. What if poop comes out.

Out isn't the most important part. It's the away. Out and away. So I'm thinking, fuck me. And we do have a little bow. As you already can tell, it's a very privileged trip. We have a great room. We've got a balcony and we have a shared living room.

So, okay. And I'm like, so I know and Ryan would be the first food, he farts twice as much as I do. He farts a lot. He's a big, big farder. Yeah. And what I applaud about it, oh, that's even cute. Someone tooted it on the ride up.

Oh, a kid? And someone's like, who farted? Oh. And the dead quiet. And I go, gang, it doesn't matter who farted. But definitely someone shit their pants. But it doesn't matter. or who. And then Delta's like, I think it's a smell from outside. And I roll the window down.

And I go, no, it's definitely not that. And then, but I'm saying no one has to take responsibility. Like, I go, we don't need to shame anyone. We all to. And Ryan's like, you know, I'd admit it. And I'm like, I do know that about Ryan. He's so good about that. He's as much as he does fart, he also takes responsibility every time. Okay. If I'm a girl in that car, yeah, I'm so like I, right now have mirror nerves. Well, I have to be because they were going to suss it out. No, Delta is perfect. She did the exact right thing that you're supposed to do. You're supposed to be like, it wasn't anyone in here. It was outside smell. We don't need to trade on lies.

We can run it this head on. And we can just go, we don't need to single anyone out and embarrass anyone. It's embarrassing when you two. That was my point. We don't need to pretend that. Right. See, no, you don't sell me a fake reality. If I'm the person who didn't fart, I'd be like, bullshit.

It's not for a mountain side. No, Dax. Everyone can just be like, yeah, it's outside smell. Oh, yeah. It's really smelly out there and in here too now. Yeah, that's what you do for your friends. God. It was the dog.

There's no dog in the car. Anywho, I am thinking, this is going to be an interesting evening with Ryan and I sharing the same. But Aaron toots a lot, right? He does, but as you know, I don't care about his, too. I have passed that. So you're not there yet with Ryan? No, because I didn't, like, grow up sharing a room with Ryan. His farts still smell like farts to me.

Ah, okay. Aaron is, I'm just like, oh, Aaron. Aaron's around. That's comforting. One time we were all together and Aaron farted and I... You were mad. I was mad about it. Yeah. Was it in the RV? Yeah. It was the same weekend he kept everyone up from... Yeah. It was a real one-two punch. And I remember being like, I've never... I've never smelt this smell before. Absolutely. We were just talking about it with the kids. They were saying my farts are bad. And I said they are. I said, but you know, Aaron's are significantly worse. His art or that one time. I've only experienced it once. But yeah, you weren't like even paying any attention.

No, this was an ongoing joke when we all worked together. Me and all my friends worked for my mom because we were constantly in cars sitting at airports waiting for journalists to come. Right. So we were in cars so much together. Yeah. And Aaron would fart. And our thing with Aaron was that a doctor would be able to smell this fart and go like, oh, yeah, you have cancer. Like we were like, something medically is going wrong with you in a good doctor.

doctor would be able to tell what's. And then we always had this joke to that Aaron needed a frame off restoration. That's when like the car's so trash. You got to pull it all apart. Yeah. Like a page one. Yeah. So our thing was that the doctor would smell as far and say, I'm so sorry, but you need

a frame off restoration. We got to go down to the frame and strip the rust off. Yeah. Anywho, poor Aaron. He just got caught in this. I'm sorry, Aaron. Anyway, so we're going to sleep together. Okay.

Yeah. And then sure enough, someone comes in. What are you guys wearing? We were nude. No, but were you wearing like boxers, both of you? I wear, I have pajama pants in a, in a wife, but I sleep every night. And what did he sleep then? I think boxers and a t-shirt.

Oh, my God. Did you get butterflies? No. No, but weird things weren't happening. I'll tell you weird things did happen. But of course, someone comes in. Again, we're not going to name's names. It doesn't matter who farted, but we are told that the sleeping arrangement's not going to work out.

People don't want to sleep with each other. And I'm like, well, figure it out. I don't know what you guys think is going to happen. We're not sleeping on the ground. So, you know. Yeah. But someone's out and I go, yeah, that's y'all's problem. Like there are two beds.

See, it is Vegas. Two of you can definitely sleep in this bed together. Yeah. So I think someone ended up getting couch cushions and sleep. Really? Yes, yes. These girls. They didn't because why?

I don't. Who knows? Who knows what goes on with you guys. Oh, I feel bad for the person who the other person didn't want to sleep with. Oh, Jesus. Yeah, I just knew. I know the limits of my skill set. And there's no way I was going to be able to figure that out for those four.

Do you think this all started with the fart? It was like, I know she fart and I'm not sleeping in a bed with her. Could have been. I don't know. Fuck. Reap what you sew. You fart in a closed loop system. That's why you always say it's outside.

smell. God. Okay. So then that's bad. But I don't want to put too big of a point. It's not, it wasn't a big, everything worked out fine. They all slept in that bedroom. Okay. And it was, so it all worked out. But I was like, here we go. Yeah. We go out at night into downtown Disney. Okay. Wonderful dinner. It was so fun. We're sitting like in the little courtyard, great people watching. Are they getting along? The girl, oh yeah, everyone's getting along. Everyone's having a great time. walked around. Just had a blast.

Watch these little girls skip and run all around. So much fun. Yeah. I was so happy for him. And then we went to bed. And I'm going to tell you, for whatever reason, I didn't have much. I didn't have to out and away much, which was a blessing. Okay.

Only like one or two times. Fine. What's that? Like one or two times. I outed in a way once in the bathroom. Okay. Yeah. But in an evening here,

at home, I'm out in a way six times. You are? Sure. I'm also in a phase, as you know, I've picked up my fiber intake a lot and that is radically affected how much out in a ways we do. Okay. You used to have a fart pillow for people who don't remember. At the old house when I was a bachelor, yeah.

It was a leather couch. You can't get away with anything on a leather couch. That was the problem. Tactical blunderer. And it's so weird because dudes like leather couches more than anyone. I know. Guys are like, give me a leather couch. Let me make fun of guys for a while

Oh, those leather's tough Let me get a cool leather It's like a leather jacket But it's a couch It's uncomfortable And then your farts RICOchet off of them Oh gross

Okay anyway So you only had one out and away In the bathroom And then what happened with Ryan? Well then we got in bed And we started watching TV together And we were casting But it wasn't working all that hot

So then we were relegated back to cable TV Which is great It's fun in a hotel room Because I don't flick through channel's like. It is fun. I agree. We gave a couple things a shot. We bailed early. That was good. And then we got to 2.30 for 30s. Oh. Love 30 for 30. Me too. And we turn on one. There's one about basketball and there's one about a football player. I'm like, well, I think Ryan likes football more. And so let's watch the football

one. Turn that on. And right away, the player, he's like, he's like Christian. And I go, oh, yeah, he's a Christian. He goes, yeah, every time the guy played, my dad was like, he's a Christian. And I said, would your dad call? And I said, would your dad call? call out Christians and he's like, oh, yeah, like anyone he knew. And I was like, that's great. Yeah. Well, then lo and behold, every single interview was in a church. Oh, wow. Turns out this guy was a pastor, this NFL football player. And that turns out this entire 30 for 30 is about him being a pastor. Oh. And I was like, this is, hold on. I come for sports. Like, if someone's religious, that's not worthy. I don't need to see how religious someone is as a documentary.

I need to see like the impossible sport accolade. That's why I watch it. Well, to be fair, there is a 30 for 30 on OJ. And it is a little sports, but it's a lot of murder. You can give me murder in place of sports achievement. Okay. But you can't give me someone's like devotion to a book. Okay.

That's fair. And it's not, again, we're talking about uniqueness. In this country right now, there's 200 million practicing Christians. So clearly being a Christian isn't worried. It doesn't select for anything. Yeah, sure. NFL, you're already won in whatever you are, or one in 10,000. Then if you're a legendary player, you're one in, you know, the numbers.

If you're a murderer, very few murderers. Thank God. Knock on wood. All to say, I said, I see what you're doing, Ryan. God's intervening right now. And somehow he made a 30 for 30 that's singularly about Christianity. We're having fun with that because Ryan's, a very devout Christian.

He is. But he's very, he's not trying to He's not judgmental. He doesn't, no, he's never tried to convince me I should be one. But then my joke becomes that he has orchestrated this whole thing. Of course. All to say, I didn't experience any issues. Okay.

Olfactory wise. Okay. But he did tell me when we woke up that he had woke himself up with a fart that was so loud of his. Scary. And I was like, oh man, man, man, I was just out cold, I guess, breathing it. Because he, it woke him up, Monica.

I can imagine like the top sheet like billowed up. Like, I was just like, oh man, I was fucking huffing away when I was. This is why I don't, this is why I'm afraid to fall asleep because I'm so vulnerable. Oh my God. I get to protect myself. You're the one that said eating farts. You recently said eating farts makes you healthier. Smelling your own farts of scientists.

I didn't say that a scientist said that. So you just got some extra help. I don't know if he got eating his is. So there was no issue other than. Okay, I'm glad you didn't smell it. As you know, I can barely sleep under completely ideal circumstances. Right. Yeah.

So like foreign room kept walking up next to a man. Oh, I'm next to a man. Oh, it's my friend Ryan. Oh, I'm on this vacation. Everything's cool. Yeah. I don't like sleeping in a bed with. anyone anymore at all.

Like, so I'm kind of impressed that you guys, I mean, I guess you had to do it. You do what you got to do. You got to do, but it's so hard to like really fall asleep when there's somebody else in the bed. I worry about this if I have a future husband. I might go ahead and just start from scratch us not doing that, not sleeping in the same bed. You want it at the beginning for sure.

I mean, I want to, but I want all this stuff before. and then, but just right when I'm sleeping, can they leave? Okay, yeah. If they are like me, that would work out perfect because I probably would be awake longer. But actually, no, because in the night there might be like a fun cuddle. Okay, forget it. I take it back. I think for some period, you'll definitely want that and then for some other period.

You're like, but I'm going to be worried about farting. But Monica, you cannot get married and still have this fart thing. You have to fart in front of your husband. No, I'm not gonna. Your life will be miserable. Erica doesn't fart in front of Charlie. She never has. He says, I've never heard or smelled her fart.

I think Eric has that same claim. Exactly. It can be done. They must be doing out in a way. You can't out in a way in the bed. No, you have the whole point is you go out. Right. And then you get the guests away from you in your fabrics and then you return.

I'm worried about in the night. Yeah. So I wouldn't out in a way because I'd be asleep. But that's true. Like how happened to Ryan. Well, you know, he woke himself. I know, but he was farting in the night. So like your husband won't even know you're in and inside.

I want to tell a story, but I'm not going to say who. So my friend tried to out in a way in the bathroom. And it was so loud. Okay. Was it jazz? It was so loud. It was so loud. No, it was so loud.

No, this is a female friend. Yeah. It was so loud that her husband. husband thought she was thrown. Wow. That's spectacular. Well, I'm trying to think of how a fart would sound. Same.

If it also sounded like throwing up. He must have just woken up and heard like a loud noise coming from the bathroom. He was asleep. And then he thought. But I'm trying to think how he. He probably just was like, oh, and then she's in the bathroom. And then I heard this loud noise. So she's probably throwing up.

See, that is the problem with holding them as long as you do. When they come out, it's going to sound like someone's vomiting. If you're letting them out here and there, that pressure won't build up to that level. I'm going to a different room. I can't go in a hotel with my husband. I can't do anything. Oh, my gosh. Can't do anything.

Oh, wow, wow. Oh, it's so scary to be a person. He won't care. I know you can't convince yourself of that. This is a ding, ding, ding. It is. Yeah, because this is for Kaylee Quoco. Uh-huh.

Oh, this is perfect. It's perfect because we were talking about separate room sleeping. Yeah, yeah. And I'm just going to say I'm for it. Yeah, sure. I'm for not feeling nervous that you're going to have to fart in the night. Nocturnal. If I do fart, which is almost never, it is in the night or the morning.

While you're in morning. In my bed. That's just my own personal. It's my personal time. Hey, Rob, does Natalie fart? Hey, Natalie. Have you ever, have you ever, how about this? Have you ever heard her fart?

So we do not fart in front of each other, but I have heard her fart when she sleeps. Oh, my God. Rob, you don't fart in front of your wife? No, we don't. Wow. See, Dax, I think it's more common than you think. What is going on, you guys? Why do you think you fucking get married so you can be your full self?

I know. Look, I do understand that. I do understand that argument. And I would want someone to accept my farts. And I would accept farts. I know I would, but I don't trust, I don't trust that people will accept mine. That's right. And that's just.

That's the work you need to do with your therapist. You need to bring into her that you, feel unworthy of love if you fart. Or I have to marry like a troll. Or my dad who's no, he couldn't smell. Oh, that's cool. You should put that on your Tinder thing. Like, what are you looking for?

Someone that can't smell. Think how all putting that would be. Because you'd be like, oh, they reek. They smell so bad. Rob, what are you doing with your farts? I just, I don't fart that much. I don't think Rob is gassy. I've never smelled his fart.

He never fart. in here. Oh, my God. She's lactose intolerant, though, so. Oh. Well, she's Asian. Yeah. But then he's saying she farts a lot.

She's got stomach problems a lot. Well, it's. Oh, then it's not fair, Rob. She can't stay away from dairy. It's not, it's not like a spoken thing. We just never. I know, but Rob, I don't think it's fair to her that you get to smell her farce and she doesn't get to smell.

Oh, she has smell. Do you think he's not fart in his sleep and she hasn't heard and smelled it? We'll have to ask her. There's no way it's a one-way street. Well, he doesn't have lack of intolerance. We just don't let it rip. That's fair. I think a lot of people don't.

What about in front of your sons? Yeah, the boys will all fart in front of each other. You do? But then when mom comes in, everyone's got to tighten it up. Yeah. Oh, this is a weird, okay. I mean, it's boys. Some psychological point on here, yeah.

It's boys, though. It's poison? No, it's boys. Oh, it's boys. It is poison. Did you think that's what that's what that song meant? That girl is poison. For farts.

Oh, my God. Well, your, yeah, I, look, I think it's aspirational. I do got to put a, because we're transitioning as we should into the facts, but I just want to say we avoided the Vegas thing. The day went great. It's complicated going to the theme park with four kids that are 10 and 11 because there's varying levels of bravery, I'll call it, on what you're going to ride.

And then the pressure of I didn't ride it. Now, they rode it. And then we talked one of them into riding something. Oh, pure pressure? Yeah, and it didn't go as good as we were all hoping for. Yep. And then by the end of the day, everyone was absolutely exhausted, as you can imagine. But we had an incredible time.

Good. Disneyland's so fun. You know the part that was so funnest? I feel like I'm never there at night. Oh, yeah. It's so fun. Oh, it's so magic. Yeah, it is magical.

There's so many cute lights lit up everywhere. And I was like, I could just walk around. That's a ride for me. It's just walking around. We did Soren twice. We booked end. I like bookending the day at Disney with Soren. That's nice.

It's soren over the world right now, which is often soren over California. Both have incredible merits. Okay. I do get nauseous on that ride. You do? Oh, that's a bummer because that's one of my faves. It's okay. I just won't join at the beginning.

And Puddy narrates the beginning. Remember that? He's like, put the belt through the buckle. Who's Puddy? No, Puddy from Seinfeld. Patrick Warburton. He narrates it. And he says, put your belt through the buckle.

You know, he's got that very specific cadence. Yeah, that's fun. Speaking of Seinfeld, I saw just really quickly, I saw a post on, it's like a teaser or something. I don't know, but it was just a pitcher from an upcoming Super Bowl commercial. And it is for Duncan. And it has obviously one of my boyfriends, Ben, and he's talking to Matt LeBlanc and Jennifer Aniston and then the Seinfeld character,

but I want to remove that from the story. Because I'm like, what is happening here? My worlds are gliding. Cross-pollination. Of my earliest loves. Yeah. That's weird, right? Okay, Kaylee Fax.

Is there a movie about the dole founder David Murdoch? No. There is no major commercial feature about him. Ding, ding, ding, we had the dole whip at Disneyland. Kaylee has a two-year-old cane course. The most delicious corn dog in my life. Oh. Because I'm on this new probiotic.

I've been dancing a little bit. Yeah. How's it going? big outrageously monstrous corn dog yesterday and it was so good. And you didn't have any weird. I don't think so. Yeah, again, baby steps. I'm not going crazy,

but I didn't have a big delicious honking corn dog. If this cures your gluten fruit completely, I'm gonna, what are you gonna eat? Like, what's your first meal back? I mean, I miss pasta so much.

There's so many great, I mean, I don't even feel like, I always have been on the, even skin test garlic. Oh, really? So I don't know if that's leaky guise. Oh, fuck, I would eat the ass out of some garlic.

Chimituri. Oh, Chimichara. Grilled chicken on Chimichura. Okay. Kaylee has a two-year-old cane corso dog and said they are huge. How big? Caincorsos. Weight varies by sex.

Cain or king? I thought they were king corso. They're cane course? Kane. Oh, I've had that wrong the whole time. Oh, that's fun. It's like Fidelity. Ding, ding, ding.

Aaron's farts. Acorn. Males typically weighing 99 to 110 pounds. and females 88 to 99 pounds, though some American standards allow for larger sizes with males reaching 110 to 140 pounds and females 85 to 115. Oh.

They're scary looking dogs, in my opinion. I am scared of that. I'm scared of that, yeah, because they look like pit bull. They look like a mix between a pit bull and a great dame. I'm going to have a nightmare. A great bowl. If I get one of those, though, no one will eat me. That other than him, yeah.

Although he kind of looks like, he kind of looks sweet in the eyes in the droopiness. He actually looks sad in the eyes. He does. He looks sad. He's like, why do I look so threatening? Because I'm just a nice boy with chopped ears. I don't like what they did to his ears. I know.

They chop all these dogs' ears off. Why do they do that? I can't judge because I'm circumcised, but still. Oh, wow. That's not an inviting. Okay, Rob, is just put a dog up. That's very scary looking. It has blood in its mess.

mouth, basically. It's salvating everywhere. It's got foam. It's got rabies. It's rabid. And then has this huge collar around it. That's more like a horse, horse, what do they call those? Look how muscular its body is. Horse yoke. And then it's got a thick chain anchoring into the ground because no one can go near it. No, thank you. Can you binge Kaylee's new show vanished? Vanishes out now on MGM Plus with the first episode having premiered on Sunday, February 1st, 2006. New episodes then release weekly. Weekly. Weekly. You know how I feel about weekly. I know. I know. Okay. And we want to show a picture of her zonky. Oh, because she did come through and she sent us a picture. And the zonkeys much prettier than I was expecting. Yeah. Because let's be, let's be frank. Donkeys aren't the most

pretty animals. They could be prettier. But that's, you know, they have other assets. Yeah, they're stubborn. They're loud and they kick. No, don't they like carry stuff? They're indomitable. They're so strong pound for pound donkeys. They'll like, yeah, they'll carry Wanveld does his coffee right up the side of the Andes mountains, never even ask for water.

Aw. Yeah. But this zonky is actually quite pretty and feminine looking. And its legs are striped and they're really cool. Yeah, it's beautiful. I recommend everyone go watch the fact check so you can see this zonky. The zonky. And that's all the facts.

That's all the facts. That is a zonky. Oh, stop showing us that. I would be so fearful of that zonky if that dog was in the mix. I know, but I wonder how fast that zonky could go. It looks like that dog was wearing a yoke. That's I couldn't think of the name of that. I don't know what that is.

That's what you put over the head, like, put over the head of a bowl or something. Oh. Gotta keep it in. I mean, whatever. God bless humans. They're like, you know what? We want to control these animals. Why?

And we're not afraid. We're going to figure out how, like, how on Earth are we managing. bulls and I don't say now because now you've got factory farming. Let's not get hung up on how disgusting that is. I'm saying more back. We have been we have been herding animals that are way bigger than us. I know. For thousands of years.

It's human arrogance. But it's not arrogance because we do it. Yeah, but people do die in the process. We lose some. We lose some. All right. All right. I love you.