Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Mom's Car: Erick Richardson

Episode Date: September 16, 2025

On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car, we welcome friend of the pod, Erick Richardson. Erick, Dax, and Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through making a deal with God on a catamaran, the fruitful strategy of taking stock as payment from clients, the former fun of having an unexpected dark side, how Erick came to own 11 rare giant tortoises, and the instability of the market for a cut-off toe. #sponsored by @Allstate. Go to https://bit.ly/momscar to check Allstate first and see how much you could save on car insurance.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car. Today, Aaron and I have our mutual friend Eric Richardson on. Eric and I met maybe 12 years ago, and I hated him at first, and then I fell deeply in love with him because he might be the most honest man in America. He's funny and so sweet and so generous and so kind and absolutely crazy. Please enjoy Mom's Car. Some people just know they could save hundreds on car insurance, by checking Allstate First.

Like you know, to check your phones in your pocket before leaving the house. Checking first is smart. So check Allstate First for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability, Allstate North America,

insurance, co, and affiliates, North Brook, Illinois. Except... Ooh, that's a big one. Dude. More money, and we made all... Are you on a roll, Eric, right now, in the stock market? Well, stock market's down a lot the last few days, so I don't know if I'm not a rule. Okay, let's do a quick intro of Eric Richardson.

Anyone who listens to Armchair hears Eric talked about, bro, would you agree, probably you're the most talked about, not employee of the show? Yeah, I guess. We talk about a lot of stuff. Yes, you come up nonstop. You are an ex-lawyer with maybe the most improbable route to being a partner in the law firm.

It's one of my favorite stories, really. Here we are. We're right here. What's the name of? Oh, sure. Hollywood raps and grills. So just so, you know, protocols, Aaron runs in. And gets it?

And I deliver the food. So we split the duties evenly. You are unlikely to go to law school, yeah? You know, I was unlikely to go law school because I. graduated 646, I had a 648 at Westlink High School at the bottom of my class. I was the third worst. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I had a D-minus average. Oh, my God. They let you graduate with that? I think they wanted to make people graduate. I mean, you really only need a D in a class. What were you telling yourself while you were getting those grades? Like, well, fuck it. I don't care.

Because you had a moving business. You just think you were going to cobble together a living? I thought it was going to be an entrepreneur or something. And then I kind of realized reality at some point. Well, in high school, I think I'm like, I'm fucked. It doesn't really matter if you've got a C average or a D average or a B average. Right. You're either doing good or who cares. Yeah, or who gives your shit. How long out of high school before you decided to go to college?

I went right after. I guess I figured out. I didn't have anything else to do. And then I was getting bad grades my first semester in junior college. That's when I got stuck out on that catamaran. Oh, right. Which you told on, I'm chair anonymous. Yeah. I was out there and I was talking to God. And I said, if you let me out of this, I will do something with my life. If I can get saved. So then when you returned to shore, what did that mean, actually studying really? Yeah, they just started applying myself and started studying. And because I was kind of like, I've been a piece of shit my whole life. And did you have a story that you couldn't do good in school? And then all of a sudden you started studying you could do good school. Like, did you have

a story of why you didn't do good in school? Or was it just that you didn't care? That's a good question. I don't know. I think I like being the class clown and getting dead baby pigs and throwing them over the quad and, you know, being that guy. Right. But yes, I just started applying myself. And then you go from junior college to what college? Then I went to USC. That feels hard out of junior college. You once had a really good grade point. Well, that's what you did. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I always say it without batting myself on the back. I do think it's hard. I got into UCLA too, but my dad. Oh, you did? Uh-huh. Oh, my God, Eric, you kept that in your vest. But I was doing business and my dad was going to pay for it. And it's a million times cheaper than USC.

Yeah. But he said you got to go there for the business connection. networking. But that's true. It did kind of end up being true because after I went to law school, I didn't have good grades in law school, but I went to an interview at a law firm in Westwood, and the partner there at the time was like, well, you don't have great grades when you just worked at this small plaintiff's law firm for a couple years. But you went to USC, so I'm the big Trojan, so I'm going to give you a shot. Wow. So that did make a big difference. This was the guy you ended up buying the firm off? Yeah. Oh, that makes a little. more sense. I don't think I knew the USC part. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then you bought this guy out of his

firm eventually, right? He wanted to retire. Well, unfortunately, he got cancer and died two years after I started. And he was a sweetheart, right? He was like a mentor. Yeah. He had four kids. He was probably 46 or something. He was young. Can you imagine giving someone, what were you 24 when you came out of law school? Giving some kid was shit great. So I know. A chance. Very sweet. Well, then he became rich. How long did it take? A couple years. It was funny because nobody else at that law firm wanted to buy the firm from him. How many attorneys were there?

There was like six or seven, I think, at the time. And he taught me a way to make money as an attorney. Not a lot of people did, but he would take stock in companies. As part of his compensation. So I kept doing that. And then we ended up growing it to like, I don't know, 30 attorneys. 30 attorneys. It's hard to imagine you managing 30 employees.

Yeah, I was definitely not. not a good manager. I had a partner named Nemish who kind of managed the day-to-day stuff. As you know, I still had a drug problem at the time. Right, right. You? What's the time frame from, like, starting there until you're taking a million-dollar honeymoon with Molly? Very quickly, right? Yeah, it was like four or five years.

Four or five years? And how steady was it? Like, what were you making first year? When I first got hired, he paid me like $60,000 a year. Okay, so year one, $60,000. Didn't have probably doubled. We're learning his lawyer history. Yeah. I hope you read on camera as how improbable this story is. It's like when you hear a story about Aaron and I, and you're like, wait, are you guys bad people? Yeah.

I don't see how you made it out of Detroit. Okay, so $60,000 the first year. I kept doubling probably for a couple years. Okay, so $120, then $2.40 by year three. And then by year five, I was making a lot. Millions? Yeah. Like $5 million a year?

In a good year. I'm kind of a good. of reverse engineering, because I know the stories from this era and how you were living, like buying a 4GT, buying a Ferrari, running from the police, lawyers, three-month honeymoon. You have to have a lot of money to do that. And I think what we do is we got lucky on a couple. That was before 2008. So it was like 2005, 2006, 2007.

Okay. The stock market was cranking, and we represented a lot of small companies, and we take stock in them. And some of them just did really well in that time period. Do you remember your biggest payout? No, I'd be guessing. Are you embarrassed to say? it or because you know numbers.

This is a good story. It's a loser with a D-minus grade point average graduating who figured it out. This is like as good as it hits. This is like a Manhattan in the 1930s story. Yeah, don't be embarrassed. It's just becoming an attorney, though. It's not like I became a, you know, the movie star. It's not like I started one of the biggest podcasts.

Come on now, come on. Being a thug from Detroit. No, I think it's more impressive what you did. All right, so you're not going to tell me how much money you mean. Yeah, it was millions of dollars a year. And easy come, easy go, right? You really had no problem just spending the shit out of it. Or did you wrestle with, I should be saving it?

Or did it just seem like endless? Like, I've got a formula and this is going to work forever. It did seem a little bit because I was young still. I was in my early 30s or not even 30. And it seemed like it was an early 30s, maybe like whatever number you want to tell us. It's big. It's a big number. Oh, fuck.

And being a drug addict? Yeah, that's where it got bad. Like, you would have just been able to buy drugs without giving a flying fuck. It would be immaterial what any of the drugs cost. Yeah, I was too scared to buy him directly from anybody, though. So I had one of the attorneys who worked for me kind of did. You had a lot of intermediaries. Intermediaries, like three intermediaries.

Oh, baby. A dream. Out of laziness or fear of going to jail? Fear of talking to a drug dealer. Uh-huh. Because you get, like, this barred for that probably. Oh, okay, okay. Yeah, fear of losing the, what, too, just.

Just get yourself into. Fear of guns, fear of knives. I did get my felony evading arrest during that time. So that's interesting, Eric, because I'll speak for me, but I'm pretty certain it's the same for Aaron. The danger of it was part of the fuel for it. Because I think both of us were endlessly trying to prove we were fearless, so you'd be afraid of us and not hurt us. And the notion of just walking into a neighborhood in downtown Detroit and finding crack, and finding a pipe.

And the whole nine was weirdly part of the narrative we were crafting, that we were fearless. It was kind of sexy. I don't know, did you feel that way? I liked it as much as the drugs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because it's scary. Everyone's got a gun that you're talking to.

They're all young dudes. And you gotta be a little cocky. You can't go down there and be terrified. Or they'll just take your money. So this whole bravado, you gotta have. have, but not too much where they then just kick your heads or kill you because you deserve it. Like, joking with them right away was part of the appeal for me. And I loved having, like, a bag of Coke in my pocket and being at a business meeting with a bunch of

lawyers. When I was young like that, it seemed funny. It doesn't really seem funny anymore now that I got family and whatnot, but it seemed like so ridiculous that I had this whole dark side. Yeah, because you're always telling a story about yourself in your head, right? You're like, oh, yeah, they don't know. Like, I'm a bad boy. Yeah, yeah.

be an attorney, but I'm crazy, and I'm crazy. But I ship my fans once a week in meetings. I had my 30 pair of underwear in my cabinet that my secretary would buy me monthly. Yeah, and you were really good at surrounding yourself with, like, moms, right? A lot of moms that worked for you, not even if they were or weren't real moms. They were very nurturing. Everyone wants to nurture you. I want to nurture you.

You definitely have that attractive quality work. You want to take care of Eric and nurture. Thank you. Thank you. I guess that's probably when Molly married me, too. You notice a trend with Dax and his friends? This guy's been nurturing me for a fucking long time, man. I guess there's no wonder I wanted kids.

I was trying to have them since 12 years old. When I met you, you'd already sold the firm. Yeah. You know, in 2008, with the great financial crisis, it became less lucrative to be an attorney. And that's when I got a really bad drug problem is because then I was financially stressed out. Right.

For like 2008, 2009, 2010. My second time in rehab was about 2012, I think. Oh, wow. It's been 13 years now since we've been? Oh, my God. So you sold it because you were like, I can't be sober and have this. You fucking hated it?

Yeah, I hated it. First of all hourly. And I've just not a good manager of people. You kind of got to be a dick to be a good manager. I'm just not very good at telling people what to do. I brought in a lot of clients. So you have to have a good personality, and you have to be on.

Right. And so the way I would get on was finally I would figure out if I snorted a bunch of riddle in, I would have a lot of energy and be able to talk intensely. I want to be on the other side of that business meeting. If you ever thought about going public, we're going to be public in nine days. Yes, I'll take 12% equity, but you'll be flying. Yeah, I was that type of attorney. One of my ways of getting clients is I would, twice a year, I would send a letter to every public company in the United States.

So I'd send like, I don't know, 6,000 letters out. Oh, my goodness. And I'd say, I'm your attorney. These are the rates. I'm your attorney. You need to change your offer. The clock has started. I'll take stock.

So I kind of did have that high energy. And of the 6,000 submissions, what was the conversion rate? If I got six clients or five clients, it would be great. But that's great. Yeah, no, it was great. Yeah. Boy, you really. to do the work. At least when I was doing it, there's no securities firm who would lower

themselves to such a degree to send out letters to CEOs to give them his clients. But you were laughing all the way to a three-month honeymoon. I mean, even my partner, Nemish, at the time, he's like, you sure you want to do this? Felt desperate and slow red. But I'm like, yeah, the more clients would get the better. Don't take offense to this. You would have been an incredible personal injuries attorney, but he landed in securities. Right, which everybody's super conservative. So I was the guy. It's like, I'm just going to go over the top. Yeah. And then I annoy a lot of people, but a lot of people love me. Did you take the three-month honeymoon when you were still part of the firm?

Yeah. So your partner was like, okay, cool? Maybe they're happy to get rid of me, but you do something like that. I think if you plan way ahead, I'm going to be gone for three months. So let's figure this out. And I probably didn't take a soury or something. I probably made it fair. Okay. Now, the other fascinating thing about you that I always tell people, and in fact, if I'm telling a story about you, And I've not seen that they're registering Eric, I always go, my friend with the tortoises. And they go, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I don't ever make it through a description of you without explaining how you came to own 11 giant tortoises.

It's only six now. Now we're down to six. But it was started at 11, right? I think it started at like 10, and four of them have passed. Their fight is over. Their fight is over. Their bell air fight is over. Just tell everyone why you got those tortuces.

We had moved into our house, and we had some area at the bottom of the hill, and a portis guy somehow got in contact with me. I don't even remember how I found him. You were using drugs. I was using drugs, and that's why I ended up with ten of them, because I wouldn't have done that. Nor would I have landscaped my entire backyard, an acre of it, and put it in trees and a little vineyard. This to describe your property. If someone blindfolded you and took you to this property and took the blindfold out and just like, guess who's house? This is?

You go, Walt Disney's? Right. It feels like you've made Epcot or something. That's how I tried to do it where there's, like, different areas, had different feelings. Like, there's that rainforest area, and there's, like, the avocado area. It's like this. Yeah, walking from zone to zone.

So this guy comes over the house, and he's like, hey, man, I got these tortoises. They're rare. They're rearing to go. They're rearing to go. I thought you were going to say that's rare. They're ready for ownership. They can't wait.

They were endangered, I think. I'm like, well, these are cool. I don't know. They were about as big as your hand, maybe a little bit bigger than your hand. And he said, if you take 10 of them, I'll give them to you for $1,200 each.

And he wanted like $2,000 each or something. And then he said, and if you buy them, when they start having babies, I'll pay you $1,000 for each baby. Right. And so I'm thinking, well, I can maybe have kind of a tortoise farm

and have these tortoises and then sell the babies. Now, can I ask a dumb question? Uh, weren't all 10 of these from the same? litter? I don't think so. He mixed in math. Yeah. How are they going to breed if they're all siblings?

Right. I think they were, I don't know. We didn't get into that. And the guy was trying to scan. That nitty gritty up at all. I think I just got excited about the idea of a tortoise farm. So I bought them. And they lay a lot of eggs, right?

Each turtle could be dumping 10 eggs at a grand of palm. Yeah, I think they might only have like four eggs each. A lifetime. The problem is, the major problem. one became, and I only learned this after I bought the tortoises, but they don't start breeding until they're 30 years old. Oh. So that became kind of a problem.

Yeah, that's a lot of maintenance. Yeah. How many years ago do you buy these? Some of them are 300 pounds. More than 300. I mean, like, 350 for the bigger ones. Bought them in 2008. They're 17 years old?

17 years old. They're not old enough to have babies yet. Oh, my God. 13 years and you'll be fucking rolling in that. You can keep them alive. At this rate, you'll probably be done there a couple. But I definitely have several hundred thousand dollars in these organs. I mean, their food is $1,500 a model.

And you bought them because you had read that sailors used to stop by the Galapagos and put them in the boat so that they would have a thousand pounds of fresh meat in case they were shipwrecked? Right. They're not Galapagos tortoises, though, because those are actually illegal to own. Okay. They're called Aldabra Tortoises, and those are from the Seychelles. But it's the same thing as the Seychelles are a group of islands that the sailors would go to and take these tortoises.

You can't really bring a cow on a boat, so you would bring a tortoise and you'd have fresh meat. Well, you could bring a cow, and then you'd have to bring another boat of hay behind it. Right, right, right, right. Right, and then, like, bales of hay. A little tiny boat and then a huge... It's not the weight so much, it's the area the hay takes up. I love that your guys is humor. It's always like, somehow you...

you guys think of the most ridiculous thing possible, and then you picture it in your head, and it's really fun. Well, I think that's our gift is we're picturing the same thing miraculously. I think that's like, what, 35 years together. This morning, we were eating breakfast. We have long had a product. We've told you about it. We want to have a product called Bob's paper towel, and it's way thicker and stronger than normal paper towel. And it's mostly for workmen to keep in their truck in case they have to pee, you can just pee into the paper towel. Oh, right. It's super absorbent.

This started when we would wrap Dax's trash can. In Big Brown, we're driving. We're like, if you only could wrap the trash can to pee in there. So you didn't have to pee in a bottle, you could just pee right into the trash can. Right. Then we thought Bob's paper towel would absorb that. Always would be real dehydrated, so the pee would stink. It would be real gold in color.

Yeah. It's like yellow motor oil coming out. 156, is this mean? No, not yet, not yet. Bob's paper towel evolved into Bob Roberts paper towel today. Bill Roberts. Bill Roberts, sorry, Bill Roberts' paper towel. And then we were saying he stands by the product so much he puts his home address on every roll of Bill Roberts' paper towel.

And then we said, if I'm not available, please call my wife Linda. And then it became Bill and Linda Roberts' extra thick paper towel with their home address and their phone number. Both of their phone numbers? And why does it have their phone numbers on it? In case you have any questions about the product. Oh, okay. They're so confident in the product. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

It's like if you have any problem. Yeah, here's our address and phone number. There's our address and phone number. They know damn well sure no one's going to call or not by because the product's so fucking robust. No one's going to get to tear through that paper towel. And we were picturing the commercial is, I mean, standing directly in front of the toilet, For some reason, he preferred pee in Bill and Linda, Robertson, that sort of thing, paper towel.

And then, like, six men in a urinal all peeing in paper towel. We figure by the end, you don't even need a sink in your house, or plumbing at all, really. Because you're peeing in there, you're cleaning your plates off. If you have, like, a half a carafe of coffee that's left over, just pour it on the Bob's paper towel and put it in the trash. And that eventually you can remove your seat. sink and have more space

for Bill and Lincoln and have more counterspace for paper towel storage. Anyways, we were laughing so hard inside this restaurant and there's only one other woman inside and she was young and I think I'm judgmental of young people

sometimes. It looked like she was emo and was upset just to be alive and then I thought she must be so annoyed with us laughing and we were leaning and she said oh my God you two, thank you for all that laughter. She said I need it. that this morning. Yeah, and I go, oh my God, our wives feel much differently. It's so nice to hear that you liked us losing our shit in an empty restaurant. Bill and Linda Roberts.

I'd love to know if she, like, made any sense out of what we're talking about. By the way, guys, this delivery was a fucking blessing. We've been in the car for like a half hour. Yeah. So do we know if that number that's $16 is with tip or without tip, or would we figure that out yet? It's with tip. It's with tip. That's with tip. Yeah. Yes, I can't even explain that. We might have to talk to Chet, GVT. We're in Sunland. Like, this is where I get my cars worked on.

I mean, this is only like 20 minutes, right? That's a step up. Yeah, it's pretty great. Bill and Linda Roberts, paper towel. Extra thick. Extra absorbent. For urinating and all, everything. You had Mike's hard coffee where you had to buy a barrel of it?

Yes. 50-gallon drum. You have to own a truck to. buy Mike's coffee. They don't want you to borrow a truck. If you have to borrow a truck, you really shouldn't be drinking. Yeah, you have to own a truck and have two friends. And you get a 12% discount if it's a work truck.

And the coffee's not good. But it works the same as good coffee. Yeah. It doesn't taste great. No, but the caffeine is there. It'll get you. Because we were saying we hate having to go get coffee. Running out of coffee is what this product.

really addresses. Right. This is the last coffee you'll ever buy. So you got to store it outside, of course, because it's a 50-gallon drop. It's a barrel of coffee.

Make sure it's covered well during weather. It's raining. And over the years, there's going to be rust. Then you've got to climb in there after it's halfway done. And we make no guarantee.

Everything is sold as is. Yeah, you're on your own. When you leave, you got to bring your own toast or your own tie-down. I don't know, tarp. Oh, God. By the way, we keep forgetting to do it,

but we can put on there that I pick up liquor. That's what we really want to do. Oh, right. Because we want to show up to a party. Like a bunch of people waiting for all that booze. And then they're, of course, going to meet you at the door, unlike most people who just say leave that door. No, they have to.

Liquor has to because you have the idea. Well, someone in this business had a hankering for something all the way out in those feelings. Yeah, and they pay a tough dollar for a fucking sandwich. Meet at the door. Nobody gave a shit. It wasn't like a famous restaurant. You know, like, oh, my God, I got to get. No, yeah.

It was a handmade pizza. It looked like they just opened. Maybe it's his brother. So much shit going on there. Tattoo on his neck, huh? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, you went right for it, didn't they?

That's going big. You went big or went? home. Yeah. Come on her nose. This is a fluids here. Okay. I'm sorry, are we guys in the middle of something?

No, no, no. We were talking about your neck tattoo. Oh. And he said, oh, that's real big. Is it? Well, no, I'm kind of like bummed... I said you went big. You went big, sorry.

Yeah, yeah. I mean, that's aggressive. I feel like it should be bigger. I can't see it. No, I think it's perfect. It's a perfect. It's a perfect. There's something about neck tattoos where...

Don't choose a thing. I don't know, subconsciously, oh, that guy could kill you. Obviously, you're very nice. But if I, like, random person... Well, then when you ask them what it means, and you're like, oh, this guy's cool. Yeah, yeah, yes. Oh, January 2nd, Capricorn.

That's wimpy. Definitely cool. Yeah. You believe in astrology? No, only so far as it makes me the same as my friend. I just like the sea in Capricorn, actually. You can keep the rest of the word. At that point, it's like a Disney tattoo.

Yeah, in escalation, I'm sure, right? neck is still before face. When you meet someone on face tattoos, it's hard not to think, like, this person has nothing to lose. Like, they've decided, I don't need to get hired. I got a whole other story going on. Even I get a little scared. But I do think these younger kids, you've got, like, Post Malone, that guy seems super sweet.

He's the sweetest, right? And then Teddy Swims. He's got all the face tattoos, and he's a sweet boy. I mean, I'm from West L.A., so I never knew anybody with tattoos before I met you guys. None of your friends in high school have tattoos. And none of my friends I can think of in West L.A. have a tattoo. Really? Wow. Because I also feel like it's something that 45-year-old dads are like,

I always wanted one, and my son was going to get one. So we decided to get these matching Tasmanian devils. Always with the Tasmania devils. Everyone with the Tas. Should we do a moral dumb pounding question with Eric? That feels fun because Eric has very, well, fuck, I almost feel like Eric should make one up. But maybe you'll think of one because your past time in social settings is to ask really hard questions. You even ruined like a double date once?

Yes, with the, which kid would you pick to die question? Yeah. And everybody has an answer, but most people won't answer them. I know you say that everyone has an answer, but I don't know that I do. Well, I think what it does, and the question is, if you were in a creek, a dam broke, and both your kids were there, and you can only save one. It's a tough one to answer. And if answered, best to do privately.

Yeah. Everybody has one in their head, but that's why it's fun to ask it a dinner party. Well, you asked it, and it caused an actual fight between. the man and wife, right? You regretted that a little bit? Yeah, my wife wasn't too happy. Okay, this one's fun when I perceive as fun. This one's a good time.

Cannibalism consent. A man volunteers to have a part of his body, his foot, amputated, and then eaten by a willing participant. Both parties consent and no one is harmed beyond what they agreed to. Is this morally wrong? Do you guys remember that 15 years ago when the internet was still semi-examination? I mean, knew where this woman, her fantasy, was to be raped and killed by a man.

And then the man, six states over, they were communicating and they worked out this agreement. And then he was in route to do it. Somehow he got arrested. Oh, wow. But people are like, what's the rules there? Because there was consent. The person wants to be murdered.

Rape and murdered? Yeah. I don't think you can rape and murder somebody. No, I mean, yeah, yeah. Even with consent. Yeah. That doesn't fall into the. Assisted suicide.

Right. I mean, what's the line? Assisted suicide is still murder, right, in California? Is it still? I know Oregon it's not. Everyone's been loosening their laws on that. Why did the person want their foot eaten just because? Just because.

He likes the idea of someone eating his foot. Yeah, they both like the idea. One guy wants to eat a foot and the other guy wants to chop his foot off and let the guy eat it. Also, it doesn't say the gender of the eater, but we are all assuming. Of course we are, right. Because men are sick. But there's something really wrong with us. Yeah, I pictured two men right away.

Two disgusting men. One who gets off on having his foot eaten and the other guy. The thought of eating someone's foot is fucking... It's insane. Yeah, you couldn't pick a fucking... If that question said, like, slice off a piece of your ass cheek. Yeah. A foot, though.

Boney foot. Oh, God. In a man's foot. Oh, Jesus Christ. That man's yellow, callous, gross toenails. A little barbecue sauce. You'd have to smoke it for sure to get that meat. Little meat's on their tenderized.

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Allstate North American Insurance, Co, and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. A day at the lake, that's a no. A Philly cheese steak, that's a yes. An afternoon stroll, sorry, no.

A burrito bowl, happily yes. What about a day of sunshine? happening. A box of fine chocolates? Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way. Okay, how about some clear skies? Nope. Well, then how about some French fries? Yep. A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes. Yes, yes, that. How about a freshly cut lawn? Can't help you there, but barbecued prawns, order it, and it's on its way. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Product availability may vary by region. See app for details. That makes me think of like another sort of similar moral question is, could Bill Gates have a game show where he gave people like $20 million to cut off their hand?

And everybody was consenting and their whole life was changed from cutting off the hand. It would make a good show. I don't know about a good show, but people would watch the show. Yeah, yeah. They'd make a hit show, but I don't know if it's a good show. I guess I was thinking, is that illegal? Nobody else is cutting off the hand. The guy who's getting paid is cutting off his own hand,

and he's just getting paid for that. I would love to watch that show. Well, there's two questions, right? I guess there's a legal question. Could you structure that arrangement in a way that's legal? There's a moral question. I'd say morally it's wrong to want to see someone cut off their hand or foot

and suffer because you have the means to make that attempting to. situation. That feels morally repugnant to me to desire that, no? It does, but I'm sure there's some showrunner who would make the show if they can make money. And like Aaron said, people would watch it. So when we prepped cars together, which we did for 14 years, and I'm talking thousands and thousands and thousands of cars. Like on every car show for the long lead show, we would ship like 120 cars to Wisconsin. And we would prep all 120 every night and we would towel off all 120 every morning for like 12 days straight so just even in

that week we would prep 300 cars wow 16 hours a day you're fucking prepping cars yeah we're all teenagers or young 20s and you're bored out of your mind and we just play endless scenario games like this and one was how much to punch your mom in the face right as hard as you could yeah okay and it's mostly all guys that we worked with yeah you know we're going through everyone's answer. My cousin was really cheap. I was like, oh, it was a little bit telling, I think, of how you felt about your mom. Your mom. You could share the money with your mom after that. Well, okay, so initially, I had said... And this is when you guys didn't have money. We were pro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We were working on 100 hours a week to make $1,000 a week. Right, right, right, right. And initially, I was like, I couldn't punch my mom in the face as hard as I could. For any amount of money, I just couldn't do it. Even if I intellectually wanted to... I actually wanted to... She would be mad at you because of that. That's what I figured out later is like at some point if I told my mom, hey, you're going to be proud of me. I turned down $10 million to punch you in the face.

She might go, well, fuck, I would way rather get punched in the face. Working my ass off. Then work for the next 20 years to make that amount of money. She might be mad at me. Yeah. So then it became another layer was like, do they know why you're doing it? Are they in on it? Yeah, like if you had to keep it for the secret.

At least all the way through the punching and then the ride to the hospital. It's a secret. It's a secret. Good news when she wakes up the hospital. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Good news, mom. You're rich. Now that's a show.

Yeah, and we play these games. Every single scenario you could think of. There's an older guy we worked with. His hygiene was really rough. I was like, how much to eat his ass. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll ask my kids Yeah, like how much to kiss him

Yeah, make out of him And you just discover really funny things Like straight guys might prefer to blow him than to make out of him All right, like some counterintuitive Things would pop up Who, your dad? Oh no, but that came

Yeah, yeah, yeah Right, right, right, right, right, of course No, just this guy we worked with who had bad hygiene Oh, got it, oh, I see, right, right, right. It was way older than us. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, so you'd rather. It was like how much to get butt-fucked by him

How much to butt fuck him, how much to blow him, how much to make out with him. And sometimes you're like, wait a minute. It costs you way more to make out with him than to bug fuck him. That's weird. Huh, let's think about that. Okay, so I'll go first with this foot thing. This isn't very hard for me. This is fine.

Same. Like, I don't care if someone wants to cut their foot off and then another guy wants to eat it. But you wouldn't be okay with that if the guy was getting paid to get his foot cut off? Because I think you're exploiting someone in a vulnerable situation. I think anytime you're leveraging, money over someone who's very desperate. Morally, that's wrong. There's no, like, disenfranchised person in this story.

Let's say it's a well-to-do man. He's not going to make any money off of getting his foot cut off. He just likes the thought of somebody eating. He loves that idea. And then the guy wants to eat the foot. He's not financially compromised at all either. Yeah. I guess it's morally okay.

Because if you take your thing about Bill Gates, it's an easy argument for you to persuade yourself because you're saying $20 million. and that's very life-changing, right? Right. But then take that to what was happening in real life on YouTube, which is like offering two bums $20 to fight each other and get hurt.

It's gruesome and terrible and whatever asshole gave them $20 is a piece of shit. I guess I was thinking from the legality of it and the fact that it could be a successful show. But morally, they would be bad. Successful show. First to foremost. I mean,

You should be a TV executive, but that should be your third career. Another question I'll ask parents who have a newly born baby. It's a black and white question where some parents say, oh, absolutely, and some are like, why would you even ask that question? Yeah. But with the new baby in their arms, I ask, would you cut off their little toe for $10 million right now? Would you just take it off with some pronatures or a knife?

And you have to do it yourself. Oh. Most people will do it for $10 million. Really? I would say 60% of the people, will do it for $10 million, and then 40% of the people think it's a horrible, horrible question. I would absolutely say no, but I think I would have said yes at some point in my life. Maybe $100 million is a better question, a better number, because then they're set forever.

They don't need to worry about money. Well, you have to ask yourself, when this kid turns 18, and I tell them, hey, guess what, I had an opportunity to cut off your pinky toe, and you'd have $100 million right now. Aren't you glad I did cut off your pinky toe? And if they go, why would you do that? I guess that's what you're trying to imagine. that they would be grateful you made that decision for them. But what if they were Mark Zuckerberg and he's sitting around and he's like,

oh my God, my fucking parents cut my toe off? I have $180 billion. I didn't even need that money. I could make my own money and they thought I was going to be such a loser. They cut my toe off. When you have a toe cut off, you're going to adapt, but you're going to not be able to fucking do things. I mean, that's a tough fucking question.

Yeah. I wonder if you'd be better off losing a pinky than a if you toe. Okay, you could pick. I would love to not have a toe for $100 million. You'd be delighted to go get this. Or even right now, what would you sell a tow for right now? Oh, I'd sell a toe. I mean, the market's been horrible the last month.

Very unstable. We don't know what's happening with the tariffs. With his tariffs and stuff. I would cut off my little toe for $10 million. Okay. I'd cut mine off for $1 million. I'd probably go for $5. I don't think you really need.

You need your little toe. And I admittedly have no fun to play this game with anymore. No, I don't even ask you these questions. Yeah. Well, I don't hate you, but it does depend. understand your frustration. But for me, it's like an emotional growth thing. It's like, well, how much money do I need? Why would I not do anything I don't want to do for more money? I think where you can also get with the baby one is that we all know people who have a lot of

money and they're unhappy. So you may well be making your kid miserable by giving them $100 million or $50 million, whatever it is. Yes. Because you almost can't have them growing up knowing they have $100 million or they wouldn't try to do anything. For much of their life, they would just want to know why they don't have a toe, and you'd probably have to say you have a birth effect. And they're like, that's a very clean birth effect. You can see where the toe used to be. And then at some age, you go, good news, you have a million dollars,

and then just keep doling it out, keep surprising them. And then on their 30th where they actually have $10 million. Yeah, you'd have to give them most of it later in life, I guess. but then they might be mad the way that you decided to split it up. What if the trauma of you cutting the toe off with a knife or whatever, what if they become a drug addict and then, like, you convince yourself that it was because of the trauma that... Yeah, you're the kid without a toe.

Like, everyone knows you don't have a toe. You subconsciously might remember the panic of having your toe cut off. And actually, I take that back. I would not take a million for my toe right now. My one big pleasure in life is playing Binkleball lately. Oh, come on. Well, I'm sure I could learn, but I'm 50, almost. I got to adapt to not having a toe now.

It's a miracle that I'm actually exercising. You might be better off with your fourth toe cutoff, right, instead of your pinky toe for balance. That is the sad part about money, and we all grew up fucking craving money like crazy is. I think a lot of people, sadly, are in a position that they would sell their legs. And then you think, oh, I'm going to have money and I'll be happy. But then you realize, like, oh, no, no, the only thing that makes you happy is, plain pickable. It doesn't really matter how much money you have. Still the only activity that gives

you any joy, and you got rid of it for money. Yeah, I was thinking for a billion dollars, would I make it so I just didn't taste anything for the rest of my life? Like, you get a toe so much. It seems like I would, but then I'm like, well, then you wouldn't have any... Buy a toe for that money? Yeah. Someone else's legs.

Story keeps going. The only ones are available is like a small Asian woman's legs. And you've got to explain that every time you're on vacation. But you're right. What's the point of having money if you go on vacation? The only thing you and I do on vacation is talk about what we're going to have for lunch. Yeah, and drink Diet Coke because it tastes good.

Oh, yeah. Can you not give me no fuck that it was Diet Coke? You just start drinking Diet Pepsi all the time. Yeah. Like, I have a Diet Coke. Oh, we only have Diet Pepsi. It doesn't matter to me. I don't even want to be alive if I don't care which one I'm getting.

Let's do a reader one. Okay. I couldn't even wait to tell Dax this morning. I couldn't stop thinking about it. This is from a listener, Jalise. Hi, Dax and Aaron. One of many hilarious struggles I have faced as a mother. My 16-year-old son, who has a moderate intellectual disability, has decided that toilet paper just isn't cutting it anymore. Instead, he's embraced a towel-only routine for his bathroom needs. Here's the kicker. After his unconventional wiping method, he meticulously hangs up the towel back on the as if nothing unusual happened. The first wake-up call came when I reached for a towel to dry my face

and was greeted by an unmistakable surprise. Imagine my shock when I realized our towels were now an unwitting canvas for his new system. The struggle has turned our home into a blend of frustration and unexpected comedy. But don't worry. We have managed to save one towel and have it hidden away. for guests when they visit. Help. Sincerely.

We're going to have a solution. Right. And she signs it. Sincerely, just a mom trying to avoid pink eye, Jalise. You know what I like about it immediately is like people are so delicate

around situations. Yeah. But when you have a kid who's moderately, mentally impaired, you've got no choice but you just think it's funny. Right, right?

That's what I kind of like about it. You imagine this life where you're dealing with this thing and then you'd be sad all the time and feel bad. Life boogies on and you're like, oh, fucking Mike, guess what his new thing is? He's wiping his ass with the towels. And I think maybe this is how our Bill and Linda Roberts' paper towel story started back up this morning. Right, right, right, right. What he really needs is Bill and Luke Roberts. Yeah.

Okay, we got one here. From a place we eat at all the time. I know. For the win. Are we going to answer the question? We are. He's going to grab the food and then we'll debate it. We'll debate a solution.

Because I've got an answer. Yes, she needs help. Oh, great. She needs a lot of help. If you do have three phones going at the same time, you'd accept one while you're driving. You might be able to get it down pretty well. I think that's why sometimes it's really late. They're juggling like six or seven hours.

Okay, so the sun is wiping with towels. Yeah. Okay, Eric, you said you already have a answer. I think it's probably okay, but you just have to. have some rules around it where you can only use this towel on the rack in the bathroom so it's not all the towels you just always have a shitty towel hanging in here you just always have a shit towel there oh my god this is about as embarrassing as i've done it when i order from five guys at ryan's house which is directly across the street and i'm expecting

the delivery guy to go you lazy motherfucker god are you fucking lazy yeah this was like 1,200 feet Truly. Yeah. Less than a quarter of miles. He's shooting you some messages there too. Oh, he's already got some messages. He's got a gate code, it looked like. Okay.

Oh, my gosh. This guy must be important. Apartment number, gate code. Okay, great. I would say, Eric, this is the hardest part of the job is like once you get on the scene trying to find their fucking apartment. Okay, hold the conversation for me. Okay. Oh, maybe he parked in front of their garage door.

In there? In that garage door. Okay. What? Okay, let me just drop this off. I'll be right back. Let me go deliver this first. Oh, the bastards.

That ended up taking a minute. Did you guys already solve it? No, no, no, no. Okay, you paused it. I'm reading a lot between the lines, but it sounds a bit like he's very specific. Like, he wants to use every towel. Right.

You know what I'm saying? I'm trying to read between the lines of, like, what parameters could you put that are going to work with his disposition? Could you say that's your shit towel? And it's only one toilet. I was more thinking start real small, like, Well, first of all, I think you guys got a role with whatever's happening with this kid. Right, right, right.

Yeah, I don't know if you're going to win. People used to watch diapers. I mean, this is, like, similar. Yeah, I think of it as a towel. I'm guessing if she used the one on her face, I'm guessing there's one bathroom. True. And it's hand towels. She wouldn't have used, like, a full body towel to wipe her face off after she washed her face, right?

My thought was, would it be okay for her to say to him, carry on, keep wiping, enjoy. Just, you got to leave him on the ground. Or a little hamper for his poop towel. Right, a poop towel. A poop towel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And those can go in a separate wash than the regular clothes. So you weren't washing.

Well, that's an interesting thought. Do you think they need to be washed separately? I mean, I guess. Does poop have to? I think, okay, I'm going to tell you our dog, Dan, was throwing up. So we're cleaning up his throw up. And she goes, just put that in the utility sink next to the washer because I already have poop underwear. and poop everything soaking in there.

And I was like, ew. What happened, honey? So I think people soak the poop. Okay. No, you need to so. This happened. Because there was a little kid. Let's just be there.

Ruthie had it and had it showered herself and poop. This was from a visiting child, right? But you don't let it soak first? You don't put a bunch of poop in the washer? In the whites. In with the whites. Yeah, I guess I'm fine with that. We all pooping our pants all the time.

Well, occasionally, that's what I'm saying. When I have an accident, I clean my underpani's out. Yeah. First in the toilet. I like, I dip them in and out of the toilet. You just throw them right away. Yeah. That's probably most sanitary.

Do you ever do that? You wash them in the toilet bowl itself? Not when it's dirty. Like, you flush the toilet, you know, clean water. And then into the sink, maybe. And then I do a little sink, then in the hamper. And then I'm not too worried. Right.

Yeah, I've only done the sink. That's good. Yeah. Toilet water, why not? Yeah, why not? I never really... You're already dealing with poopy underwear. I knew underwear anyway, so all my underwear is 10 years old, so it's a good excuse to throw the underwear.

That's interesting, because you buy a lot of clothes. I don't. I've still got that Pangaya stuff we bought during COVID. Yeah. I buy a lot of shoes. I guess maybe that's what I'm thinking of is you buy a lot of shoes. And I guess that's true for myself as well. Yeah, I need some clothes.

I've been riding the same clothes for a minute. I had to have, like, a talk with myself last year where I was like, you have some responsibility to have new clothes. Like, you're on TV. You can't just quit because that's what I wanted to do. It's just like, yeah, wear whatever I bought for the rest of my life until it wears eyes. I just look at Kristen. I'm like, look how much effort she puts into it. It just felt lazy that I'm in the public eye and I'm making no effort to have good style. Well, you've got the shirt Brad Pitt gave you. That's this one. Yeah, it's actually. And you got a couple of those now. You bought me one for my birthday, which was so generous. I mean, those are nice. Incredibly nice.

And I like them. What keeps me from buying clothes is I'm intimidated that I don't know what I like. You know what I'm saying? You know, I'm like, oh, I want to get new stuff, but I'm not sure what I like. And then I just have some brands that I trust, and then I just kind of buy whatever they sell. Actually, Kristen's picked out a lot of my clothes because I'm like, well, if she says it is good, then it's good. Yes, she's a very good. Fashion person.

Or Monica does, too. Ruth has picked out, I mean, I only have a couple pairs of pants, but she wants to always buy me more. And I say, no, I have two. Why would I need three? Now, here's what I don't understand about you. Why don't you wear Levi's, or do you? Because you have the legs and ass for Levi's. I have been singularly working out for six years on my legs and ass in hopes I could wear Levi's, and they look good.

I'm just finally there, because nothing's cooler than Levi. Why, because it fills out? Yeah, I guess I need Levi's. I mean, these look great. I've not thought your pants aren't good, but it's... She told me now, these are too big. I can't have skin tight. No.

Also, I think that... The trend went the other way. I think my pants are too tight now. Everyone's wearing enormous pants. Yeah. This is what's so crazy is when Aaron and I were in high school, we wore a size 53-inch pants. Right. We would go to Myers and get these cheap blue jeans, cut the bottoms off, and you had a big belt, and you wore 53-inch pants with three X-L champion sweatshirts. And I loved it, and I felt great in it. And when this style came back, I was imagining myself in it, and I'm like, I don't have the confidence. It looks in there. It looks in there. It looks in. insane. I can't do it. It's just weird that I was able to do it, and now I'm not. And now everyone, now Monica's punk rock. Can we just post pictures of ourselves? Put our old face on top of it? What do you mean 53 pants? Fifty-three white as this car. Well, then they wouldn't stay on your body. No, you just belt them up. You crunch them, fold them over, and belt them. That's all we wore. From senior year to probably 20 years old, and these shoes we called hobos, you got at Myers as well.

Oh, yeah. They were like a couple dollars. Yeah, eight-by. for a pair of shoes. I remember when I got to California, that was still my style. People were like, bro. Yeah, what's going on here? That's what all the teenagers,

like Lily's friends, the boys have, like their butt crack kind of hangs out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I should be like, oh, great, it's bad. Yeah.

I should have embraced it. I'm slow. I was two years late on wearing skinny jeans, and then I wore them years longer than I should have. But the reason I'm pitching Levi's is once you commit to Levi's,

it's over. This style has been cool since the 50s. 501. Yeah, that's what I have. Buttonfly. I'll tell you the ones I get. Okay.

Yeah, I would love a new pair of Levi's. Your haunches might be a little too big. And they're super reasonably priced, and you can't destroy them. They're actually the best. This episode was brought to you by Levi's Ross and company. Do you know the thing about why it's buttons and rivets? No. Do you know this, Eric?

I feel like you would know it. Something to do with mining? Yeah. They wanted mine. miners to be able to repair the pants while they were out in the field. They were out mining when no women anywhere near, and they all had rivet guns. Right. So they could repair the pants.

Themselves? Yeah. Are those 501 jeans? They are, yeah. And I can't get out of them. I'm day 11 in these. Eric, I love you. Thanks for joining us.

Oh, I love you guys. Thanks for having me. Could have did this whole day. Oh, my God. I know. I wish this was kind of like a two-banger. We put it on this forever. Well, maybe you'll come on again.

Yeah. Yeah. You'll be popular demand, I'm sure. told me when I got sober, when I was trying to figure it out and be at home when I stopped coming to L.A. as often, he's like, you have to find your Eric. He's like, it's a necessity you have to find your Eric in Detroit. I think it's just baggage from being a kid and a class count's like, even though in AA, I got to take it seriously, I still need to be in the back of the classroom a little bit.

I need one person I can be like, ooh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can talk about everything. All right, love you. Love you guys.