Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Mom's Car: Nate Tuck

Episode Date: October 14, 2025

On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car, we welcome West Coast Best Friend Nate Tuck. Dax, Nate, and East Coast Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through the deep evolutionary significance of a tribe chief embarrassing himself, Nate’s wasted and naked black ice car crash, BFAW’s handsome, mustachioed dad, woes of a sludgy summer job, a particularly loud Jean-Claude Van Damme delivery encounter, the long road to road rage recovery, Dax’s legendary rumble after a David Allan Coe show, and a physics-related legal write-in question.#sponsored by @Allstate. Go to https://bit.ly/momscar to check Allstate first and see how much you could save on car insurance.Follow Mom's Car on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Mom's Car ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting https://wondery.com/plus now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hello and welcome to Mom's Car. Oh, what a pleasure it is today to introduce you to Nate Tuck. Maybe if you listen to Armchair Expert, you would have heard him tell an incredible rattlesnake story on Armchair Anonymous. But Nate and I have been friends from, I don't know, virtually since I moved to L.A. 30 years, we met in the groundlings. He's just the sweetest guy. He produced the three movies that I've directed, and I call him my creative soulmate. It's not often that I get to hang out with my East Coast and West Coast best friend. But it was a blast. Please enjoy Nate Tuck. You know what's smart?

Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? Not checking that your sunroof is closed before going through the car wash. Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary subject to terms, conditions, and availability. State North America Insurance Co and affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois.

Riding with three people in a car was standard biz from 16 to 22. And then as you become an adult, You're never just cruising around in a car. They're with your buds. Yeah. We did so many years like this. Yes. It's just very nostalgic and very fun.

Is this the longest you've had off work in five years, this 90 minutes you've committed to this? I was so happy. I had a huge meeting this morning. He was on a meeting walking through the door here. Always. Yeah. Yeah, I was on speakerphone. Always.

Your tombstone will say he was in a meeting. Oh, man. He died doing when he was taking a meeting. I walked in with my phone out to my mouth. The door's open, and that's how weakly saw it. Yeah. No, we didn't run a 4K. We ran a 10K.

13.5. 13.5. 13.5. No one said 13.2. It has better hold the fort down for the next 90 minutes. I bet everything's going to fucking fall in your absence. You don't have the acceleration usually do, big guy. Oh, yes, I do.

This thing's got a lot of get-up and God. Look at that, friend. Yeah, the joke about this car is, I was like, Kristen, let's get you something rad. Like, let's get a fucking escalate or something. What she say? This is her car. She loves it. And I'm like, oh, boy, but I have been driving it every day to school in the morning for years now.

And now you love it. I fucking love it. Because how quiet it is in here. Yeah, it is kind of nice. No ADR necessary. I just felt for a minute you pulled out of your driveway and there was a car coming pretty quickly, 99.9% of the time, it's no problem because you have a lot going on. A lot of ponies under the hood. This, I was a little nervous back there for a split second.

I'm never nervous. Nate had an incredible idea for, was it your bachelor party? Because of you, yeah. Yeah, we went out to the desert and rode the play cars. Yeah, so Nate had ridden with me on the very first time I got that class one car. I had never driven anything like it. And we went out and the dude who I bought it from, you know, he's like, come to ride with us. So much adrenaline.

And I had never even, he knew all about it. No, well, I didn't, but. I had never even watched it. I didn't know this. They just pretended he knew all about it. Yeah, exactly. I didn't know the speeds. It's hard to fathom the speeds until you're in that thing with all open air around you

and zero understanding of how the car stays on four tires. How about his speech before we took off, too? Because we just jumped behind these dudes that have been doing this for a decade racing. And the guy's like, okay, you fucking see something scary? Hammer down. It's always better to have the front end light. You're about to hit a tree. punch it.

You want the front and light. And I'm like, oh my God. So every time I'm scared for it is to eat it. That was true. Because remember, like we came around a corner and there was, what are they, Arroyos, the water had come through and it was a pretty good size cliff. It was. And the instinct was like, oh, shit, there's a clip.

But I punched it and we went off just fine and stayed level. That's a thing. Most people are not going to punch it. Even if they've been told. Against your instinct is survival. Your survival instinct. Yeah, that is the hurdle you have to. Overcome if you get into off-road racing.

But anyways, okay, so it was your bachelor party. Yeah. What is so funny is the condition of all your friends. We're so fucked up. So we got to Palm Springs the night before, and we all drank in the bar of the Ace Hotel. Sure. And myself included, I knew better. I knew to stay away from the margaritas.

But it's like your 21st birthday, you're there. Everyone's throwing drinks down your gullet. You're old friends. Everyone's so excited and everyone overdoes it, as everyone always does when you're so excited to see your buddies. Guys were eating with their shirts off inside this. Nice restaurant. Shirts off. Slamming drinks.

Nice. And so that morning. We got to add sweet Andrew Panay who's had no experience with this. No. This is standard. Who the fuck are these gorillas? Yes, he's like,

one are these friends of Nate? They all have their shirts off at dinner. In the old days, the parties, it was who can get all their clothes off first. Yeah, that was your great party trick. And I'm glad we grew up in an era where that wasn't sexual assault. Right.

Dax was at a party. This is like in 96. I disappeared for about two minutes and I came back out of my room in nothing but, a weight belt. A leather weight belt. And when start doing calisthetic.

I also start looking at things that are the problems with the house like bending over and seeing and there's a problem with the corner here. I got some paint shipping here and so a full bendover. What a time to be alive because everyone loved it. Part of it is you have the best personality and you're not threatening at all.

You're clearly a good guy. But nothing delighted people more than when you would scroll out in the middle of a party and start examining all the Joyce. squatting over to look at something on the floor, bending over, to look at some push off, some toe touches. And a couple, and a couple somersaults. High kicks. Remember an Eastern promises?

And then he would just disappear back into his room and come out close. What a routine. It was a big routine. You remember Eastern Promises Weekly when they go to the bathhouse? They literally have a fist fight fully naked. It's the scariest fight. It's the scariest and funniest fight you've ever seen. Every once in a while, someone would swing around and inertia would slap their nuts.

And it's all on camera. It's all on camera. So that's kind of how it was. Just find the right angle. Okay, back to pump springs. So we get up in the morning and everyone is terribly hung over. And they had no idea what they were getting into. And once you get in that car and they start going, everything gets real.

Because how fast are you going? Dax, on the straightways. 85, 90, but over like four foot whoops. Is everyone taking rides with you or are they driving their own car? He summons up that same group that took us out the first time and so, would you guys be willing to take all my buddies for a ride for my bachelor party? And they were so fucking nice. Mind you, it's not sanctioned. There's no rules?

No. I know that much. You don't sign a waiver. Sure. You're just getting to kind of guys who you were trusting. It's a 50-50 shot you're surviving. And you don't know what condition they're in either. They were drinking.

Yeah. While they were driving. There were cores lights all over the place. And I was like, all right. They want to loosen up a little bit. That's barely drinking. But yeah. Exactly.

In the first half. half an hour. Lee Kreiner. Let's give him a shout-out. Lee Triner. By the way, when you're in the passenger seat with Lee, he will make sure that you don't go

near his break. So he's like this. He drives like this and he's got his elbow. And so he digs his elbow into your side. And he goes, he goes, kick him! And so, I didn't know. Is he pissed off at me?

Or is he protecting himself and everyone in the car? But he's like this. But he's staring at the road the whole time. I never rode with him. By the way, we blew right by Sunset Junction. We closed up at Sunset Junction and wait for action. Wait for an order.

When you're driving it, do you make sure that the person that has your seat is away from your right arm? No. Who's going to grab that break? That's insane. I don't think someone would do that. That's why it was confusing. Maybe he was mad. Also, they were riding four in a car.

Mine was just a two-seater. That's true. So you're in with four people, and if you feel sick, you can't stop this thing. No one can hear anything because it's so fucking loud. and bouncy. Everyone's hung over, and guys are fucking... Wiggy,

yacking out the window. Like, like, oh, it was like, oh, no, no, no. That one driver finally is like, fuck this. Fuck this. He pulls over. Everyone gets your throw-ups out of the way, basically.

And were you and I riding together? No. No. Oh, you had Palmer. Oh, I did. Okay, okay. I had Palmer. So, yeah, I'm in back.

So when I pull up, there's three guys standing next to the car. Everyone's booting on the side. And I'm like, do they enjoy that? There's no fucking way they could have enjoyed that. Maybe retroactively, they're really stoked they had the experience. They were shitting in their pants. I looked back.

My brother tells the story. My older brother was in the back seat. And he said he looked up at me and I was like this with the microphone, talked to the driver. I was like, hey, that was a big turn right there. It was pretty awesome right there. But only because I had so much experience with Dax before that. These guys, they did the first time.

They didn't sign a waiver. Yeah. By the way, one of those cars bought it. They missed a turn going through the wash, and they went right into a big... Oh, I don't remember that. Full of your friends? But it didn't destroy the car, obviously.

I don't remember working on my name. By the way, I was laughing, but also going like... Yeah, that nervous laugh where you're trying not to embarrass the driver who just almost killed all you guys. Isn't that a weird instinct? Yes. You're trying to protect him, but he just put it into a fucking tree. I know.

I think that's like a deep evolutionary thing. I think so, too. Like the chief of the fucking tribe just embarrassed the shit out of himself, and you know if he gets embarrassed, he's going to start killing people or something. When I got in that crash outside of Provo, Utah, we flipped that van. Remember that story?

Please don't hear. We're driving up in college and a bunch of us get a Dodge Ram van. Those old Ram bands have single seats in the back. Was this not the beachcomer? No. We're going up to Jackson Hole. Hey, let's undo the big seats to face each other

so we can play cards on the way up there. Those things are really, really heavy. The 70s, that's like a 400-pound bench seat. Sometimes it takes me so long. But please continue, I fucking remember the story now. I do. Yes. Yes.

But my point, so we're all going up there, everyone's hammered. The driver's not and the passenger's not. But everyone in the backseat is hammered. Everyone's passed out except for me. I had to go peeve so badly. I'm hammered. I grab a gatorade bottle, and I stand up, hand on the roof, and I start peeing in the gatorade bottle.

Three quarters of the way through my pee, the back of the van goes, and we're doing 80. Snow ice or just? Black ice. Oh. The back of the van goes, and he overcorrects, I'm still standing up, hands still on top, and we hit the side bank and started flipping,

and everything slowed down. We landed in those big seats. How no one got to capitating. Or their fucking head crushed in, yeah. We all landed in a pile in my first instinct, just like what happens when someone crashes. First of all, I was naked. I was naked, so I was so confused because you hit and you're like,

why am I naked? Why am I clothes on? My first feeling was embarrassment. Sure. It's not gratitude. And then I was like, the driver trying to make sure he was okay. Meanwhile, he's the one who fucking bought it.

Yeah. Why is that the instinct? I don't know. It's bad. There's something about like maybe you grew up and you know like it's safest to not point out that dad messed up. You know if dad gets embarrassed,

it's like some really rash in illogical declarations are coming really quick. That's it. We're never going camping. again. Some over-the-top defensive. My dad lost his shit at the parking lot of Safeway on Christmas morning.

Four of us and moms in the front seat. He lost it. He's a gig! And he doesn't want to swear. So he's like, you son of a big! And we are... At another driver. At another driver. We're laughing. The guy didn't do anything. We're dying in the back.

And the guy pulls up, slowly rolls his wedding and he goes, Hey, pal, it's Christmas morning. Smile! And we're like, whoa, poor dad. Dad got it. That reminds me. My dad was briefly married to this woman, Tammy, and we went up to Northern Michigan,

I think probably for Christmas, so it was super snowy up there. And for some reason, she was driving. I don't know why. And, of course, we get behind a guy, and he's going too slow for my dad's liking, and he's in the passenger seat, my brother and I are in the back.

And he's going, Tam, go around this guy. Go around. Fuck, just go around this guy. Come on, Dan. He's reaching over and honking. the horn whilst he dropped, you know, from that scene, you're gonna get the fuck out, right? Oh, that's the worst.

And my brother in the backseat, and you know, my father was an enormous man. And when Tammy finally pulls out on the snowy road to pass, as we're going by, my dad rolls the window, and he gets his entire body out the window. And he goes, boom, are you stupid fucker? And my brother and I,

something about stupid fucker, and he was flipping him off. Well, Damien's like, Dave, get in the car. You stupid fucker. The rest of the vacation, vacation, all the always going to everything. Holy shit, that is fucking. There is something hilarious about stupid fucker. Oh, it is.

You fucker. Your old man never got into anything physical, though, right? No, he is so sweet. But when he loses his temper, he was always trying to hold back. It's like the dead. You got, fuck, shit. So you didn't want to swear so much as the kids. Sure, sure.

Forget the behavior. It's the words. I haven't forbidden those sounds come out during your tirade. I think about it all the time because in front of my kids, I get pissed off. Try not to, but it is. Motherfucker! God, motherfucker! And I will think about my dad who tried so hard to hold back, I got to do better.

Yeah. I got to do it. Also, you have the advantage of you're probably much older than your dad was, right? Well, that's the thing. Think if you had fucking kids in your 20s. I think about it all the time. I didn't know who I was in my 20s. Aaron, how old were you and you had weight?

32? I think of you was an older 32. Like, you had done some... Like, were you an older 302? I could have hung up, I could have hung it up at that point and settled down. Yeah. Yeah, you had done plenty of stuff. Yeah.

I had nothing left to prove. You had an active 20s. But you were ready at 32. I guess you always had. adapt. But Aaron had this interesting paradox where he was not afraid of commitment. You always had animals and stuff? Sure. Yeah, you are not afraid about it. Yeah, let's get some dogs and ferrets. I'll take care of them. Also, I black out and I don't come home sometimes for a couple days, but that's not going to get away. Now I think about that. I'm like, what did I do?

I'm afraid to go to lunch with my dogs home now. You're a nervous wrecked the whole lunch. I probably should have done that I had nothing to do with pets for the first half of my life. First half, you just got your first animal, right? Three quarters. 2010, when I met Colimba, she had two cats. Oh, okay.

Also, when I lived with you, I got to live with dogs every day, and so I got to experience the joy of that. But those are KB's dogs. Like, they're so special, they're so nice. It's all love. My dog I grew up with hated us. We grew up four kids in a row,

and our dog, Daisy only liked our mom. She fucking up, guys. Hated us. You're at dinner. We're kids. And all of a sudden, like, at your toes. She's biting our toes.

I'm like, fuck. Mom! And poor mom's like, you know, I don't know. Daisy never bites me. Daisy bit us all the time. She hated us. So it was no pets for a while for me. I'm just remembering, I'm like,

didn't my dad fight in front of me before? Yeah. Once. Oh. It was at a roofers. It was at a... What a tough convention? This was a...

Not where you pick a fight. Yeah, yeah. I was very young. But it was like a builder's... supply function, right? Which the builder's supply. It was a roofing supply company. So it was all roofers that came.

And my dad took, this was like one of the weekends. We were with him. My little sister, she was probably four and I was nine, let's say. And he had his new wife or his new girlfriend at the time, really young, good looking. This is what I remember. She was pouring a can of beer all over her arm. And my dad goes, what are you doing? And she said, this guy licked my arm.

And so then he's like, oh, where is he? Which guy? Yeah. So now we had to follow him around looking for him and looking for her to point him out. How old were you? Like nine? Oh, my God. She pointed him out.

He was getting into a car. This part I remember. I remember the car as a fucking transam, like real cool fucking car. This guy rocks. Yeah, he's awesome. That's awesome. That's awesome. And he fucking jumped in his car and just started going.

And my dad threw... He jumped in his car. Like, my dad had a lot of keys, like a janitor's wad, right? Yeah, yeah. And he fucking chucked him at the windshield as he was driving by us. Cracked the windshield. The guy stops. No fight happens.

The guy ends up peeling out. Then the next thing I remember is my stepmom, we're in the back seat, puking out the window, the entire ride home. Oh. Just because he was too drunk? I'm nervous. So I wonder if anyone actually licked her arm. Oh, no.

I think she was starting shit. No, for sure. I've talked about it before where I was like, she fucking made that up. She wanted to see my dad fight. Because he always held back around women and children. Men, especially Luther men, that is scary business. You know that young.

Oh, except. Bingo. Nice. Big one. So it shows you the price, huh? All right. Yeah, it gives you an idea of what you're going to make. I saw my dad shove several guys.

Oakberry, a kind. There it is right there. Oh, you see it. Oh, my God. We're sitting in front of it. All right. But we drove around the block for that. He fought my uncle in front of me in the garage.

Yes. Yeah. That was terrible. Going into walls and tools, my grandpa never, ever, if there was a socket set on sale, he always got it. And he would just give people socket sets when they came over. Socket sets and WD40 was falling off the walls and they were fucking wrestling against the walls into the car. And my dad got on top of them on the hood. and they'd cut their ankles, both of them.

Both of them. They were both in shorts and fucking tennis shoes. And they came in kind of bloody ankles, and then my uncle had like a cut on his head. And it was because it was in the period where my uncle who was a crack addict at the height of the... Oh, was it in Randy?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. So over for like 30, 40 years. Mid to late 80s. Exactly. He was the president of the Baker's Union, and it was just a very heartbreaking decline. And he ended up going to treatment a bunch of times

and he was living at my grandparents' house and he was just kind of in this weird coma for a very long time. It was very trippy. Everything had been tried and a couple different times he had gone out and sold my grandpa's car to a dealer and my grandpa had to call my dad.

You know, some wreckage. And my dad, I don't know how, decided, you know, what he needs is to beat some sense in a dog. He needs to get thrown around the garage. That'll snap them out of it. Were you watching the doorway?

They were screaming, and then they went out in the garage, and then I then went in the doorway. It was just watching in the garage. It was like two dogs fighting in the garage. That's literally the definition, though, like, I'm going to beat some sense in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I can't imagine, like, well, we tried everything. We tried treatment. We tried everything.

I'm just going to kick his ass and see if that helps. He made that decision. That was like a thing that he did. Because maybe he's thinking primally, it's like, hey, this might work. We need a little, like, yeah, jerk the collar on the dog. I can't fault him. I'm sure he's desperate. But also at that time, I feel like that was an option.

Yeah. It doesn't make sense. I know a bunch of fight stories from my dad, but... All right. Where's Yeasty Boys? Oh, double-banger? Double-bang. I think it's on the next block.

Okay, great. Yeasty boys. Wow. That's the only action I saw him, but I knew all these stories, and then you do wonder how much these stories are real. Your dad was closing sales deals over martinis at lunch in the 70s. We were just talking about that. Which is the worst of Kula.

That's where, like when you go to Morton's to close a couple. That's what they used to do. Get the napkin, the cockton napkin out, have a couple of martinis. Yeah. It's like a deal. We were just talking about it at Mortons. My dad would take these poor guys across the street to the bar right across the street from Avis Ford. And they'd be drinking with this charismatic guy.

But he was a professional drinker. Yes. And they'd get shit-faced and they'd buy a way too expensive car. And numerous times they got T-Bone pulling out of Avis Ford. No. A brand new car that they couldn't afford because they were a fucking shit-faced. And presumably they needed to buy a second car

as soon as they got that insurance money. I just heard somebody was saying. Over here? Oh, you see boys. Oh, it's a food truck right there. Oh, it's a fucking food truck. This is a first. By the way, that's the way the Beasties wrote through. Have they licensed that?

There's no way that this is officially licensed. That's the writing. It's kind of like that. I don't want to out anybody. Yeah, I don't want to cause any lawsuits. It's almost like Ted Seeger's stealing Bob Seeger's. Very similar. But by the way, he should thank you because that picture is awesome of that person.

That's our dad. That's so fucking cool. He looks great. By the way, he must have been gorgeous. He was so handsome. My mom was so horny for his dad. He had a beautiful mustache. He looked just like Sam Elliott.

And he was such a rugged man. He was a Marine, and he was a roofer. He was so strong. Because he's so strong. Yes, the two of them. I roofed with them for quite a while. And, yeah, the big test of a man if you're a roofer is if you can carry two bundles on your shoulders as you climb the ladder, 35 feet and not lose your... Now we're on the road.

We're talking about how Hanson and Studley your dad was. Carrying bundles up 35. That was the test of a roofer, like how many fucking bundles you could carry up the ladder. Short-lived life. Go figure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, what's funny about what you're saying is I identify. You said very casually, I roofed with them for a little while.

We all, in the old days, in the East, I dug trenches with my friend at his dad's electric company. There's just certain things that you did for jobs when you were really young. You just did them. And by the way, they were very motivating to do something else. Oh, I couldn't wait to not be there anymore. Fucking hated it. The gift of all those jobs. Yes, working at my family's HVAC company.

When you're counting the clock and it's like 12, 10, you have five more hours. You're going, fuck. I think about this all the time. time for HVAC guys. The height of their action is when it's 105 out and everyone's air conditioning has broke. And then they get into an attic where all the fucking equipment. And it's 140 in there. I mean, how hot is it in there? Yeah. Tell me about the slaughterhouse we got close. Oh, dude. Doesn't even seem real. No, it's to this day the grossest experience of my whole life. My dad had, I don't want to say a contract with these people. He was just involved with these people that own.

meatpacking companies in Detroit. He knew them all. He would put the roofs on all of the buildings or most likely repair all of these buildings where fucking old is all hell. Everyone does not want to spend money. They want to pay you in ribs. When my dad died,

I did so many repairs for these guys and fucking had to buy a deep freezer. Because I did take my payment in ribs. They talked to me and do it in five seconds. Of course he did. That's hysterical. Yeah. I would watch them saw it off, the fucking animal.

Like, these guys are like, we're going to pay your ribs and you're going to watch it. Like, I didn't want to watch that. No. I don't even want to see you wrong. How are they doing it? What are they doing when they're selling? They have a band saw, right? The band saw, yes, exactly.

So, Dax and I were, I don't know. It was this high school? 12th grade, yeah. No, you know, we were living in Dearborn. We were like 20 or 19. Yeah, yeah. My dad being involved with these guys, but he's a roofer, keep in mind, I don't fucking know how this came up. Yeah.

They decide they want a connecting building to one of theirs that has been abandoned for many, many years, decades or something, which was an old slaughterhouse. My dad said, I'll clean this place out for you. No problem. You know, give me whatever he must have said. Six years of ribs. Yeah, give me, like, you know, lots of ribs. Keep them coming. And I don't want to keep any of the ribs I find while I'm cleaning.

You walked down into it. So you got a picture. This was a functioning slaughterhouse for decades. Wow. Now the whole floor is concrete. You can't see this, but it's all channels of drainage. There's nothing drained. Oh, sludge.

Sludge. And the sludge is animal liquids. Adding to that, there's shanels. huge four by four, or maybe there were bigger, traps in the cement that go down. Oh, yeah, that you can't see. That you can't see because of the whole thing. So the dad's like, don't walk over there. There's four traps.

And if you were to have walked in one, you would have gone over your hat. Holy shit. An animal sludge. Yes. Now there's pipes. I don't remember if these were water gas lines or if they were just pipes where they hung animals from. I'm guessing that's what it was.

But all these pipes that were kind of at your head level. and you had to like duck to go under them and there was like skin and stuff that were hanging that would go into your mouth like you're like you would try to be dodging something and something else would go into your mouth and you're like you're like stay tuned for more mom's car we are supported by all state you know what smart checking all state first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance you No, it's not smart, not checking that your phone isn't connected to your car's Bluetooth before having a private conversation. And let me tell you, nothing quite prepares you for that moment when you realize your entire carpool just heard every detail of your last doctor's appointment through the car speakers.

Talk about an awkward ride. Or, how about this one? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance is smart. Unfortunately, not checking that all your windows are closed before going through the car wash is not smart. I learned that lesson the hard way last week. There's nothing like getting an unexpected shower while you're trying to clean your car's interior. At least the kids thought it was hilarious.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate North America Insurance Co. And affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. Get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost?

Well, you can't get a well-groom lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. A day at the lake? That's a no. A Philly cheese steak? That's a yes. An afternoon stroll? Sorry, no.

A burrito bowl? Happily, yes. What about a day of sunshine? Not happening. A box of fine chocolates? Yes, that's happening. Delivery on its way. Okay.

How about some clear skies? No. Well, then. How about some French fries? Yep. A little escape? No. A delicious bowl of grapes?

Yes, yes, that. How about a fresh. cut lawn can't help you there but barbecue prawns order it and it's on its way get almost almost anything delivered with uber eats order now product availability may vary by region see app for details yeah somehow you started a day before i did i feel like because i remember about to walk in and you're like you have to be smoking the whole time oh yeah yeah you have no cigarette in your mouth You have a lot of that taste in your mouth. And his dad had a cigar.

Yeah, blow it directly into your nose. Let it just go into your nose. I love it, but you're sucking the dart and you're blowing the smoke through your nose out, which is the best. And we're only sucking in. You're never exhaling. Is anybody wearing masks? No. Oh, no way.

I forgot it from you. Stay a lot. Yeah, yeah. But you have more than a five-year plan. We did talk about when my dad died, I'm like, I wonder if that slaughterhouse had something to do with that. Yes. What did we pick up? Dude, his dad was hitting one of these huge, huge pipes that delivers all the sludge.

And it looked like an HVAC, kind of huge pipe. And he was hitting it with a sludge hammer because he had to get all that piping out of there. And it fucking broke over. And it covered him. Like, you can't do this on television with animal sludge. Holy shit. And his daddy gave a fuck. And, dude, for however long we worked in there, how many hours.

And you just were taking five gallons buckets. You got rid of it with five. buckets filling the sludge. That's how we're going to empty the building. Now with a fucking some kind of extraction pump. You actually had to scoop it with a bucket. Yeah, five gallons at a time. And take it up the stairs and dump it.

I don't even remember where we dumped it in the alley. City sewer. How bad was the smell? The worst. It was the fucking grossest thing. We would be dry heaving. Every 15 minutes, you'd have a spell of dry heaving and then light a cigarette. My dad's truck.

I remember he had someone torch it because, uh, for real? It stunk so bad. He was at that job for so long that he was trying to sell it. He's like, I've got to fucking sell this truck. You cannot get the smell out. No way. No one to buy it and he had someone torch it for him to get the insurance. That's just called drinking care of business.

He had to. Okay, so we're in there all day long and we're so disgusting. said numerous times during the day, we're never eating meat again. It's such a terrible idea, right? And we're riding with his dad, three in the truck. And his dad's first stop was White Castle. What?

And he ordered like 20 hamburgers. And guess what he ordered to wash it down with? Who the fuck wouldn't get a Coke with that? He got a black coffee. Oh, a black coffee and 20 burgers. Oh, man. And he just was driving with a bag between his legs, just eating the burgers like potato chips.

White Castle burgers. And that almost was the most I almost threw up. Did you just the smell of that after? We're like, he's a psychopath. The fact that he can fucking be eating hamburgers right now. And he got covered in fucking. Yeah. We're like, wow, there's something in him that's not in us.

He's a, yeah. He's made of something different than us. They used to make them different. Nice move. No, it wasn't a nice move. I was supposed to get off. Oops, they're noisy. I got confusing.

That's okay. We'll figure it out. By the way, I've got to say, I've been watching this map. This is quite a drive from a Silver Lake. Oh, bud, we've gone up to Sunland. We've had 35-minute ride. Yesterday, we took something from Silver Lake to USC. Yeah.

I mean, I'm pretty much always looking at proximity. That's part of my order when I ordered this stuff. Same. It's been illuminating. I also thought, wouldn't you assume it was people with a lot of discretionary income? Like, not the case at all. Really? Every single person's ordering food.

That's how it is. That's just the way it is. In Illinois. Look at this. Is that a Cadillac? Oh, yeah, yeah. That's 79. What a beauty.

Yeah. That's a really nice machine. It still goes some giddy up and go, too. You got it, didn't. And no fucking exhaust game out the back. I haven't seen a Cadillac accelerate in 30 years without it looking like a diesel without it rolling coal. Yeah, you jumped right out there. Yeah, he did.

Like a little bunny rabbit. This is half of the job is finding these addresses. door. Oh, it's behind, yeah, okay. Oh, there it is. Wonderful. Wonderful. All right. Really good. She had both deliveries? So that was two separate orders. Yeah, that's the dream is when you can get a double whammy. Was there any communication or when did you leave it at the door? Leave it at the door, which is such a bummer. I had a fantasy that I'd be meeting a bunch of people on this. My first job. Oh, I'm so glad this came down. Dude. John Claude? Yes. My first job

in Hollywood was delivering scripts. This is 1994. The breakdown services, you, you, You get a stack of scripts, you get your clipboard, and you drive around, and that is your day. And you have a Thomas guide. So the Thomas Guide is, you know, you know Thomas Guide, is how you're finding. And in LA, it's so fun because LA is just one giant grid. I would have, oftentimes, pretty bizarre moments at the front door. It wasn't like Uber when you can just leave it at the door. There's always something kind of weird or odd.

Anyway, so it's a Friday. I get a stack of scripts, really traffic-y day, and so I was falling behind. Now, when you're doing this, you've got to keep your schedule because you've got to get through your scripts. You've got to fill your clipboard. You've got to make your deliveries. You've got to get paid. You've got to get paid. And by the way, you get so stressed out.

By the way, I have two stories because it's about road rage at a certain point. The road rage one is unbelievable. So I'll hold on that one. First is this one. So usually I'll peek at the script sometimes because they were delivering to like, oh, I'm delivering to Samuel in Jackson's house. I'm delivering to so-and-so's house. I'm like, yeah.

I'm so excited. I was so young. But I was so behind. I didn't give a fuck who was on this. I was just trying to get them off and unloading as fast as I could. It was 10 p.m. on a Friday night. I never was that late. Chatsworth. I know this story so well, but I don't think I knew it was 10 p.m.

It was late. Okay, that justifies a little more this story. It does. It was so late that I was embarrassed already when I pulled up. I was like, how am I going to navigate this? Yeah. I didn't even look at the name on the script. You're waking this person up. And also it was Chatsworth. It's quiet. It's dark. Yeah. It's a gated community. I have to buzz the gate first, walk up a long path with the front door. I do that. I think I even said this. I was like, sorry, I'm late. Script delivery. And it buzzed. And I walked up, this very quiet walkway up to the door. The door is flanked by two vertical windows. I ring the doorbell, and I kind of peek through the window, and I see something like passed down a hallway, like a flowing robe or something. I was like, got a little nervous. And the door

opens, and it's Jean-Claude Van Damme. And he is in, he's in a robe. It's sort of open to his chest is showing, he's holding a cocktail that he's holding himself, like a cocktail glass. And I see over his shoulder right away, a woman crosses frame who's also in a bathrobe. Oh, they're post-coital. He's staring at me, daggers at me. And I was like, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it's so late on a Friday night. Can I please get your signature?

He doesn't say a word, and I hand him my clipboard. And my clipboard is full of all the previous delivery signatures. So all the scenes were, and there's one slot in my papers. I got to get my violin. I did. I was such a nerd. I just had to get it done. I handed my clipboard and my pen.

He's staring at him in. He goes, ah! And he goes, oh. And he's staring at me. I go, oh, I go, thank you. And he goes, thank you. And I go, I go, I go, thank you. And he goes, thank you.

And I'm like, oh, fuck. I grab my clipboard. I turn around. I start walking away. And he goes, thank you! He's right over my shoulder. I was exhilarated. I was exhilarated.

I was like, I can't believe this is happening. And then I was like, what if he roundhouses me back of my head? I literally had that thought waiting for something to go. Yeah, you're waiting to get kicked in the back of that head. You know that feeling, right? Well, you know when the dude is behind you in school and you know he's going to shove you? Yes. Yeah, just waiting for that shove.

Van Dam walks me all the way down that long pathway that I'm right behind. me going, thank you. Thank you. What the hell? That's so fucking bonkers. It was so bonkers. And now, in retrospect, also very consistent with him. Now, I mean, for me, he was a hero back in his 1994.

Yes, Bloodsport. You're right. Why would he would have knocked on the door and you would have looked through the window and he was doing the splits inside? Because he has to do like three hours of splits a day. I spent the ride home, the ride back to. the station, first of all, I was laughing on the way home. I couldn't wait to show him my clipboard.

Yeah, yeah. It was such a mess. It was a big circle over and over. But then I was thinking about, what were they doing? He was so pissed off that I interrupted. I remember long, blonde hair? I was like, this is so advanced. They're having cocktails in their robes.

Yeah. A real night. I'm sure he had planned it. And he's so kind of early in his career. So I imagine he was loving this night he had planned. He was so pissed off at me for interrupting his night. whole drive back, I was like, God damn, this guy.

I go, it must be awesome to be such a star. I go, fucking having a date with his robes on in, his cocktails from his cocktail bar. Why, he's so upset. All right. Get over it. I hate to say I can relate. I mean, I really hate to say it.

Now I can, too. I know. You just want to go, like, just throw the fucking script on the ground. Sign my name. Well, you know, do you really name? I didn't have to. He was in an envelope.

You were playing a cross in your teas and dot in your eyes. I was such a nerd. I really wanted to get it all done. I will say this, though. Usually, I'll look at the names. It was the best surprise ever for him to open the door, half-dressed, holding a cocktail. It was probably the best entrance you've ever seen. Can I just quickly tell you what happened to me about my road rage?

Because when you're delivering scripts like that at a young age, I just knew I was getting day by day more and more road-ragey. And I was young and I had a lot of testosterone pumped through the veins. And I was like, you know, I got in some fights at that point. So I was like, I was like, let's go. And I had some successful ones where I was like feeling good about myself. And by the way, it's so weird because there's no such thing as the successful road rage. I agree now, yeah.

It's the height of traffic. It's 5 p.m. I'm at Robertson and Olympic. Such a congested place. I am trying to turn left. The guy in front of me will not turn. He's going to stick me in the intersection or red, and I'm going to be stuck. Yeah.

I'm so pissed. I'm laying on my horn. Let's go! Let's go! I mean, I lost all control. And all of a sudden, the guy's driver's door opens. Oh. And before he even steps out.

In an intersection. Not even at a light. And it's congested. Yeah. People everywhere. His door opens. My door opens. Oh.

I jump out. I'm exhilarated. I'm like, come on, motherfucker. I'm like, let's go! I go out, yelling in front of everybody. There's so many people in the car's watching this. Guess who steps out? An 80-year-old man.

He steps out, and he's like, he's like, who's like, ooh! And I was like, go on my motherfucker! And I stop, and I look around, and everybody in the intersection is staring at me. I felt so bad. That's like one step away from fucking the automatic arm puts a wheelchair out. And then he climbs into it. What do you do? I kind of looked around.

I saw everyone. I felt immediately like a villain in a story. Yes, yes. And I put my hand up and I said, I'm sorry. Got emotional in my car. I was like, who am I? I did. I lost all control.

I was like, that poor man wanted to take him to get out of his car and want to square up. Yes, because you were fucking honking so much. And he's fine. He's like, fine. I'll do this and I drove and I got emotional driving around and I was like you know what and I swear to God I said it I go that's it for road rage for me I go that's it

really it was so impactful for years after that I was like yeah fuck it god that's great what a correction yeah I certainly had some regrettable ones but I couldn't contain it it was a long road for me for me that was 94 I mean it then once like we hit

the turn of the century all bets were off I think I was back in them okay back in business but for many years Think about the impact of that. Do you remember either of you the first time you guys hung out? I was supposed to go out with you. You were going to drive across country. I bailed at the last second.

And I was pretty bummed out. But then when you came back and told me the stories that happened when you were out there, I was like, oh, fuck. I'm kind of glad I wasn't there. That was when you got into that massive brawl. You went to go see. David Allen Coe? Yes. Oh.

I was supposed to go to that. And you came back and I was like, I'm fucking glad I did not going out. Then you came out. You came out. I got this first time in my life I got hit with a crowbar. Hopefully the last time. Dude, that was like a fucking 80s

movie to come down the alley. Alley fight like Rumblefish. She was these cab drivers. My story is they were fucking one of this really bad. We were probably terrible. We were leaving a David Alunco's show at 3 p.m. and we were all blackout.

But I remember what sent me out was something about my ex-girlfriend. She wanted to get out of the car and he went and opened the door and then I was hitting the back of this, whatever. You were in the back of the taxi? Shockingly, we had gotten cabs.

were really responsible. That was very shocking. Maybe Bree Spirit. I don't know. Some of the women's responsible friend of ours. When we got to the house and we finally got left out, me and Dean chased these cabs and they went down this alley behind a mobile gas station. And then we ran down the alley and they parked at the end of it.

But then as we were running down, there were two more cabs that weren't involved. Oh, boy. And there's like three guys running up the alley, but then there's a fourth and fifth guy getting out of their car. Oh, my, this guy grabs a crowbar on his trunk of this fucking crown vic. And I'm like, what's our play here? I had one successful uppercut. Like, I did drop one guy, and that was right about the time the guy with the crowbar hit Dean in the arm.

Yeah, like Dean's arm was like, I remember that. It was destroyed. I couldn't turn and leave Dean. I wanted to, but so I kind of like kept going, and then the guy with the crowbars turned his attention. I mean, now Dean's running the other way, and now I turn to start running away. And as I'm running away, he's wheel is like, Crowbar hit me in the back. In the back. Yeah, I had an incredible egg on my back.

You came back and you told me that story, and I was like, oh, boy. That's a major league brawl. Oh, you would have fit right in there. Oh, you would have loved it. No, you came out, and then I think it was the backyard of Scotty and I's house. I mean, did you guys ever party together? I'm not sure if it was your graduation party for UCLA. Did you come out for his garage?

graduation party? I don't know. I think you were there. But I do remember And we were partying in the backyard of mine and Scotty's place. Sure. I do remember partying with you there, doing some blows and some drinky, drinky. I want to say I met you at a

hotel pool that we broke into with a someone's room key or something. Oh, the one you guys used to go to all the time. The Miramar, yeah, yeah. I think that was because I remember falling in love with you immediately. Because you're not only so personable, you're a baseball player, you're fucking hilarious and charming.

And I had heard so many stories at that point. That's why I wanted to go out there also because all we did was tell stories about our buddies back home. We just drank together and tell stories. And so at that point, I remember us being in the backyard of our house. And we were just hugging on each other, drinking. It was just a very loving. And your mom was even there. Sure.

She was there. She was used to that because we worked for her. At a certain point, she told you and I, all we were doing was hanging out and talking at the barbecue. And she was like, hey, you too. Let's go. Oh, break it up a little bit. Talk to everybody else.

That sounds like, Laura. Yes. But Aaron gave you the ultimate compliment on an episode of, I think, Race to 270, which is, I don't know, if Monica asked them, did you ever get jealous? We were very good at being best friends, but then new people would come in and we'd have friendships with those people, and we really had a good thing.

And then Aaron said, I guess the only person maybe I was jealous of was Nate. He's like, he was the only friend of DeX's. I thought, uh-oh, this guy might be. Yeah, I was like, I just want to, I wanted to come out here and be part of it. I was like, well, fuck, he has someone that good that I want to be part of it? I don't want Nate to go away. I need to come out and be part of it. That's interesting.

I felt like all I wanted to do was be a part of what Dax was doing. He would drive across country. He'd go do a show and he got to hang out with his best friends and remember I knew all the stories about you I was struggling a little bit

I was like trying to find my way I couldn't take four days off to go do it and you got frustrated with me because I kept saying no you weren't frustrated you were kind of disappointed Sure

What I wanted is for you to come to Michigan and to put on a show for you We did that for Kareem one year And I wanted to And it was so fun Get a junker car Go to the middle road You guys went to that some lot

And just fucked up that car The Ford Taurus. He came back and he was telling him he had a blast. And I was like, I was a city boy who had the full country experience. Yeah, and I was so jealous. I was like, I'd have been much better guest to Kareem. I guess how I was stealing in my head. Much better guess.

You got an incoming. Oh, no. Want to do one question? Sure. Let's do a question. We'll see what kind of advice Nate has to offer. Okay. Nate, this is a fun story.

Oh, this is the perfect story. Yeah, I even put your name on. It's not really even a question. It's not a question. It's kind of a fun story. We thought, well, we should read this with Nate. Let's do it. Okay.

Paul Hensler, he says, I was accused of sexually harassing slash putting my fingers in a fellow male co-workers' butt. Sorry. You don't have to be sorry. This is insanity. I've been thinking about it for two days.

I feel blessed and never had that accusation. I should love it against me. I had a co-worker who worked under me, who was a terrible lazy worker. I would get on him because he would always fall asleep on lawnmowers while driving and just randomly all the time. He felt he was untouchable since we work for a school district. I can see that. Me too. I would report all the incidents that happened to my supervisor.

He started getting verbal warnings and then physical write-ups. He never changed. In fact, got even worse with not getting the jobs done and always showing up late. I think he started to feel the heat and pressure from our bosses, so he decided to throw out some pretty off-the-wall allegations against me, claiming I was cussing him out all the time. I would always slap his ass and rub his shoulders constantly. Why would you rub shoulders of a guy you hate?

The kicker, though, is that he claimed that I came up behind him one time, and I quote, he inserted two, maybe three fingers into my bottom. None of this was true, and all of my fellow coworkers packed me up in this legal investigation. Wow. I believe it was all in retaliation of him being a shitty employee in trying to get the heat off of him. After a long, nine-month investigation with interviews and multiple legal emails, I was found not to be at fault for any of these allegations. He was pretty much forced to resign, and now he is gone, and I am free of him. So, write a story.

My favorite detail is two or three. That's the best part of the story. That was in this guy's email to HR. I think it's wild if you make an accusation like that that you haven't worked through the physics of all that. You have to slide your hand inside the gene. Inside the back of the gene and get that finger into the butt wall. And then all the way through the buck right.

And you've not moved or run away. Or you're not in a position to do that. You're not making out in the closet. Yeah, these aren't naked men walking around. That's what I'm saying. He would have to be naked on all fours looking at something on the ground. distracted where you could maybe get one, three fingers up an ass is going to take some doing.

I think that, first of all, when he gets down towards the asshole, when you're inside the butt cheeks, one finger goes inside the butthole, two are right on the edge. That's with a lot of lube. Anyone's going to feel like that's three. So I understand that.

One might feel like three. Let me say this about that. You know, it could also be if you're wearing sweatpants. And maybe he had big fingers. You can get the hand down on back of sweatpants pretty fast. Okay. Without having to be in an embrace. Then I think you would have said, I was wearing sweatpants one day.

I think you're right. Yeah, and also probably can't wear sweatpants on the job if you were for the school district. But you're on a lawnmower. He fell asleep on lawnmowers. Oh, that feels dangerous as hell. Well, so maybe he was mowing around for the school district. Yeah, that's a good job. But you're right, there's a lot of detail that's not covered off on that.

He didn't think it through, yeah. There's a great Sedaris story about him talking to doctors, and he said almost every doctor he's ever met has a story about someone coming in with an object in their rectum. And they all seem to have a similar excuse, which is, I fell down. That's what they say. Well, Nate, tuck, this was so much fun. Buddy. We could just hang out, by the way. I know.

We can go to Vegas. Yes. We go to the chicken ranch. It would be no different. I know. Isn't it nostalgic? When you sit in the back seat, have you noticed a position?

Look at my legs. Spread wide. And it feels totally natural to do it. It reminds me of when you're younger. You're hanging out. You're also like leaning here and talking to you. No one's belted. Zero concern for safety.

Fender bend her turns into a cell and go right through the torpedoing through. Well, I love you. It's so fun to be with two of my very best friends of all time. A long car. Mmm, baby. Thank you. So good.