Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Mom's Car: Ryan Hansen

Episode Date: November 4, 2025

On this week’s episode of Mom’s Car we welcome all-around buddy Ryan Hansen. Ryan, Dax, and Best Friend Aaron Weakley talk through feeling famous from a young age at church, the legend of tough and redheaded Billy, doing bad boy things as a teen as an escape from a rough family life, adventures in attempting to be cool kids in high school, a sex dream about a rock, and Dax’s failed intimate encounter with a pint glass of jello.#sponsored by @Allstate. Go to https://bit.ly/momscar to check Allstate first and see how much you could save on car insurance.Follow Mom's Car on the Wondery App or wherever you get your podcasts. Watch new content on YouTube or listen to Mom's Car ad-free by joining Wondery+ in the Wondery App, Apple Podcasts, or Spotify. Start your free trial by visiting https://wondery.com/plus now.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome to Mom's Car. Today we have an old friend on, friend of the pod, Ryan Hansen, the ever charming, cute, talented, back flipping Ryan Hansen, Veronica Mars, party down. You name it. This guy is as charming as it gets. We love Ryan and we had a blast. Please enjoy the cutest of the cute Ryan Hansen. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know what's not smart? not checking the coffee lids secure before you take that first sip. My morning coffee ended up all over me, and let me tell you that smell does not come out easily.

Yeah, checking first is smart. So check Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds. You're in good hands with Allstate. Potential savings vary, subject to terms, conditions, and availability. Allstate, North America, Insurance Co, and affiliates, North Brook, Illinois. I think you would be the perfect person. I think we should talk about what a euphoric drug popularity. Oh, yeah, sure.

I like that. And I was thinking, you're so popular. When did you start to recognize you were popular? Like, what grade and what was going on? Uh-huh. Okay. Are you nervous to talk about it? I'm just so self-deprecating.

I know. I'm so humble. I'm so humble. Someone's hurts how humble you are. To be honest, and I'm going to be honest, I always felt pretty famous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. My dad was a music pastor at all these churches, and, like, we were just known. Everybody knew the pastor's kids.

We could do whatever we wanted. That was at church, at least. And so my brother and I ran the Sunday School Mafia. Did you have used your powers at all? Oh, for sure. We got it ready with murder. What falls under the umbrella of murder at that? Going through the lost and found and pretty much taking everything.

I got all my new baseball gloves through there. Although I think my dad wasn't on that one. We'd be there all day because there's like a morning service and then the later service, we were only in one, but then we just would run around backstage. We'd go in the baptism and take some dips. Wow. Yeah, get in the baptism.

We'd run around just wet. Did you have any... I don't know what the right word is, but like my father was so loved in AA. He was, like, the most popular guy in Michigan A.A. You know, a little trillion friends, they all loved him. Yeah. And there was some bit of me that was, like, resentful against him.

And somehow he didn't love how terrible. Yes. Oh, that's funny. And if your dad is, like, being loved because he's a man of the cloth and he's a musician and a pastor, were you ever judgmental? I'm like, you're not that good. I didn't look at it that way. I always liked him on stage, and he's kind of a rock star at church.

And he wasn't like the speaking pastor where it was never like... Acting holier than now. Exactly. He was just kind of like the music and the orchestras and the big choirs and the plays. And I always got to be in them. And my mom did the children's choir. I really enjoyed life at church. And you know, school was different.

And like no one gave a shit. I don't know if I just am accidentally running into these people or it's true. I feel like San Diego is pretty darn Christian. Everyone I meet from San Diego is pretty into church for California. At school, do you feel like most kids were going to church or no? Well, more than here, that's for sure. Yeah, yeah. Like, no one...

There's a godless. Oh, God. I mean, none of my... Devil's playground here. Yeah, devil's workshop. Yeah. That's where we come to play. All these idle, unemployed hands. What was the joke?

Was it the Emmys with the Golden Globes? Like, God shout out, zero, you know, moms, five, Mario Lopez, one around. Mickey Glazing. Oh, yeah, yeah. That's so good. And then I went to three different junior highs. Why? Left San Jose, beginning of sixth grade, started a new junior high in San Diego,

and then a new one opened up for eighth grade. So, like, half this school went and then half was all these other kids. And did you land on your feet at all these places? Yeah. I think my brother had a harder time. He moved in eighth grade, so that was harder for him. For me, it was still sixth grade, so it was fine. Had some church friends that were going to these schools,

so that kind of helped with friendship and all that stuff. And then I met my crew of dudes in eighth grade, Jeremy Dent, Big shout-out. Big. Huge. In eighth grade, he introduced me to cigars

and shooting BB guns to play boys and go-karts and I was like this guy is just the coolest and him and Matt Rukas were like best friends and opened my eyes

to all that stuff. He sounds radical. Oh, yeah. Was he the most popular kid in your junior high? Jeremy? Yeah, probably. The funniest, didn't give a shit,

always wore weird stuff. Divorced parents? No. Oh, wow. Yeah. Good family. Happily married. Susie and Steve.

And Rukas was the guy. It's like, Rukis is jumping Bearcat today. Everyone looks to go. He's jumping his BMX bike doing flips and stuff. He was like that guy. So I was not cool in elementary school. I was too big, couldn't read, was a bully. And then similarly, I got enveloped into this Andrew and Trevor,

a group of kids who played soccer. They had pretty good families. Trevor was the most popular kid in my school. We became friends. That was really helpful. I leave elementary school. I hadn't tasted being cool yet. And junior high is my first mega dose.

Well, I remember you guys saying, like, junior high is kind of it, right? Was it eighth grade or seventh grade or seventh grade? By eighth grade, we're now starting to move in separate direction. It was a long year. Wait, what do you mean? You guys did? Yeah. What was that?

You just hung out with different crew or what? Yeah, I started appealing away. He started huffing gas. Okay. He was like huffing gas a lot of the day. We hung out with the burnouts in our school, but he's now hanging out with the dudes that are like 17 and hang around the junior high kids.

Oh, sure. There's a lot of men to jail. Or we would go out and there were all these levels I was comfortable with. Like, I would throw apples at cars. I was fine with that. But if we went and we smashed someone's mailbox, I hated it. I was like, I just picture my mom fixing our mailbox. It was like I had all these ethical dilemmas where the bad boys really started getting bad

or like stealing shit I didn't want to fucking go to Juvie. These guys are going to end up in Juvie. Is there a fair assessment? Oh, definitely. You almost look forward to it, or I did. But I don't know how much of that was. To the danger, you look forward to the thrill of that or what? It's like a badge of honor, right?

Sure. Like, I'd smash people's picture windows. Of course, not knowing what damage it. So I'm older, but stealing shit. Stealing cars, stealing anything. They sold you didn't, but Billy did. A horse. There was one kid.

So there's one kid at the epicent. You've heard us talk about our redhead thing. Aaron and I are obsessed with how tough redheads are, so I don't know how scared we are of them. A lot of this is based on this one kid, Billy. We'll leave his last name out of it. We've last enemy we would want on Earth. Oh God, still till this. I'm sure he's still tough.

Is your redhead fella? I'd be a sitting duck in Michigan probably. Billy comes knocking. Yes, he was a redheaded fella and he was also known to cry while he fought, but he always won. And he at one point fought another redhead kid at my old junior high. And it was the scariest fight I ever saw. They were both bawling and both bloody and neither would quit. Oh, my God.

I never thinking, man, I don't want to fight either of these guys ever. But he and Billy became real close. And Billy had already stole a very valuable coin collection and drove a van and got caught in another state. They stole four wheelers. But at one point, he stole a horse. Some sort of like million dollar race. Oh, whores? Which I'm sure he was told.

Rest assured there's no million dollar racers at Michigan. But everyone thinks everyone. so rich. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my gosh. Picture like a 14-year-old boy riding a horse away. And he wrote it like

down to Florida. That sounds fucking awesome. Oh, my God. And he was like, you got to keep the horse now. How do you fence a horse? Are you going to find that's going to buy the horse?

She's pretty tough to hide your water. How do you ride the horse? How do you ride it? Clean it. Clean up the shit. Oh, God. I don't imagine he just put it in a field

or something and hope no one saw it. I went through a, A little bit of a stealing phase. Nothing like horses or ATVs or whatever, but I got my CD book stolen out of my car. You know, the mixed CDs. You worked so hard for your collection, and I was so fucking pissed.

So we would just walk around Cottonwood, the neighborhood, and just like check. We would never break anything, but if it was open, it's gone. We'd go into garages, take some shit. Funny you'd say that. That's where it started is car hopping. Yeah.

You guys would call it car hopping. They would meet before school to car hop. My thing was like we'd hang out at the movie theater and I'd go on and steal. a cart of cigarettes. Like, I'd steal from a store. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's just weird.

You have levels you're fine. Yeah, you don't care if you're stealing from the man. In the company, SMP, so the guys who, like, started that or co-founded or whatever, would have a sale at front of their house every year. And they set up shop that night before, and I drove by it in my home. I'm like, boys, it's all out there. Yeah. We took my buddy Jeremy's VW bus and my mom's explorer.

Fucking went to a night, loaded that, loaded it up. We did a couple trips. Oh, geez. The next morning, my dad's, like, trying on close. I was like, this is great. Our friends, whatever. And then my buddies went back the next day because they didn't get the box of board shorts they wanted.

Yeah. And they saw them. And they caught. So the cops came and they scared us and they didn't press charges. Did you feel guilty to? Yeah, well, because they're like, this is our family's business.

This is how I feed. And all the kids are there and stuff. It's just like, sorry. And they had like the coolest surf shop in San Diego or in East County. I feel bad. Yeah, that stuff. I did feel guilty too.

And I wish I would have not went that round. I think I was too upset with my home life that I couldn't emotionally figure out how to keep having fun like we were having without everything piling up. That's the reason I started huffing gas and trying to escape. Because I thought people doing that didn't feel guilt at all. And I was kind of jealous of that. Oh, that is a big. One on the hook, really? That's going to be wrong.

That's going to me the last one, too. Do you relate to this, Aaron? I did bad things, but part of it was I've now realized that I'm older. I'm like, how do I justify the stuff I did? And I think I felt because life was already unjust. It wasn't fair. So I was entitled to make it fair. And I would imagine from you in particular, you didn't have anything.

And there's also this sense of like, this is bullshit. All these other people have all this stuff. And I don't, why wouldn't I have it? And this other kid I go to school have it. There's some sense of injustice that I used to justify. when I was greedy and did bad things. Absolutely. But then it doesn't really work.

Right there's the lights. Oh, there is. Yeah. Then you find out karma's a real thing. Also, my dad, he gave me very few life tips, but one was what goes around, comes around. He's like, do you steal, shit'll get stolen from you? Yeah. And I remember that being an actual motivator for me to not.

I remember you asked me in junior high if I would feel bad if I killed a deer. Because, like, everyone hunted and, like, killed deer. And I remember saying to you, No, I could do that. I could kill a deer. And I remember thinking in my head, you're the biggest liar in the world. I would never kill a fucking deer. Sweet deer.

Oh, my God. Poor fucking baby deer. Sitting there, having a fun day. That was me trying to, like, make myself tougher than I was. So we're going for some ramen now. There's a double. Oh, we got a double? Yeah.

Oh, my double. Sorry, I was just thinking in the table. Two seconds, I was gone, so it went from your popularity at the church. Didn't translate at first in school, but then it did? I was saying high school it did. In sixth grade, new to that school in San Diego, I got with these group of dudes who were the cool guys, and I'll never forget the weird kid, Evan Parent. We love you, Evan.

You were a little weird. And we love Evan. I made up for it in high school, but we kind of chased him and throwing punches, and he wasn't even fighting back, but I was just like, oh, this is what we're doing. And I still feel guilty about it. And he left school that day.

Like, he ran home. And then once we got to high school, I got to stick up for him a few times, which was great. But he was always so cool. And just in sixth grade, he was just a little different. And I was doing that to fit in

because I was new. I'm like, oh, this is what the cool guys are doing. Okay, we're chasing this guy. Sure. You know, it's really hard to get through teenage boy adolescents without doing some real regrettable. Oh, it's so regrettable. You know, he's so smart.

I'm sure he, like, runs some company now. Hopefully he's a billionaire. Yeah. But Aaron, did you have waves of cool and elementary school? Yes, I did kind of like the church. Our neighborhood was a place where I felt safe. And actually, no way, did I take that back? Yeah, that's not the word I would use.

That's not the word. Not safe. Actually, it was the opposite of safe. What am I talking about? Sorry, did I say safe? That was very unsafe. What's wrong with me? I was able to be comfortable with just maybe a small group of kids.

And we thought we were cool, but then it didn't translate into school until fifth grade when I met Kevin Gwynn. That's why Dax came and looked me up when he got to my school. You knew Kevin? I was best friends with Kevin in sixth grade. I had moved, started junior high, so a new influx of kids. And then there was another skateboarder who liked to fight, who had a crazy mom. and we got along great. Yeah, trailer park kids.

I was, like, best friends with him in fifth grade. Right. Dex didn't go to the school we went to in elementary. He was so cool and made me feel so cool. And I like to fight kids behind the wall or whatever the fuck was going on at school. Then, funny enough, the following year, I moved to a new school. I'm just fucking terrified and don't know anyone. And I'm like, very out of sorts.

And, like, I know what, I give up. I can't even take it anymore. And that's when Dax found me. I was like, how did this happen? And that is crazy. Year to year, it was different. I took over from where Kevin left out. Yeah.

And all of a sudden, Dax was like, I'm like, this kid is the coolest person I've ever seen in my life. Even cooler than Kevin Glingwood. No, no one is cooler than Gettlingwood. I've done a few road trips to night drive, but you guys times 1,000. The body starts to hurt, though, when you sit so long like that.

you just get used to it? Mine gets more and more comfortable. Just, you got to just so get into that. The longer you go. Okay. I don't know if there's anything I was more built to do in life than drive for a really long time. It seems to be the only thing I can do

kind of in a one percentile. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I can just go and go and go forever. That's so funny. I got to get out and do a backflip every couple hours. Yeah, famously, Aaron went to sleep in Salt Lake City, Utah, in the middle of a blizzard, and he woke up in Michigan. Like 30 hours later.

Yeah. No. And I was just driving the Mustang and like six inches of snow. I was so tired when I woke up, too. You were like, oh, good, we're almost home, I guess. I'd crawl into bed. Was it assisted sleeping or was it just straight? No, old-fashioned sleeping.

That was maybe in the only six months we drank normally, if you could even. I don't think it was ever normal. What's normal? Is that after 5 o'clock? Yeah, just we were- Start off slow. Just that from shit-face. That's what I'm saying. We started off really going hard, but maybe the frequency wasn't.

Right. And it wasn't like, oh, that's required to have any other kind of fun. Step one is get beer. Whenever that happens, you forget that you can have fun without good. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So it was in that six months before. Yeah, I was going to say, that happened fast, huh? Yeah.

Like, this is so good. Yes, it's so much more fun. When did you guys first get drunk? How old? Together? No. This was another one of our issues by eighth grade. Eighth grade.

Eighth grade. Is that I didn't. Oh, I wasn't ever going to drink because my dad was an alcoholic. That was my plan. And Aaron was drinking and then starting to do drugs. That was started the separation. Yeah, yeah, that was towards the end of eighth grade. So Aaron was it eighth grade?

Yeah, it was eighth grade. I guess mine was ninth grade. Las Vegas. In Vegas. In Vegas. Wait, how did that happen? You must have been with your family? I went to Thanksgiving with my buddy Brett Hiltcher's family, which was a big deal.

My parents did not want me to go. I'm like, I have to go. And then they had a hotel room and the mom was out. They were gambling and, yeah, liquor in the room. Yes. We took it out on the strip and we were in the Valley's fountains and we were having a blast. Those early ones are about as, I almost text you two nights ago. I bet once a month, I just think back of the time we went to opening day and drank those Colt 45, 64 ounce jogs.

And we got a few of them. I still remember that as being like one of the greatest buzzes of my whole life. Me too. I told that story so much. many times. And I don't even know what the story. I mean, yeah, I do know what the story is, but I don't know how much was true at this point. Sure. Well, we, that was the day we had bought Dan Severin or who we thought was Dan Severin. But that wasn't even the most memorable, just sitting in the parking lot. Yeah. It's hard to explain that. And most people when I start

that story, when I say 64 ounces, they're like, you mean 40s? I'm like, no, 64s. Yeah, they were little, they were jugs. Yeah, they were a little, had tiny little glass handle on the way. But Ryan, so in junior high, does it start kind of then and it rolls through? Yeah, so eighth grade, me and a couple of dudes hit our growth spurts. I was, we're going to say six feet tall. Okay. We're going to go ahead and stick with that. Same as me.

Yeah. So we were kind of big, and like you, I would be the one guy on the dance floor at the dances, like all the other guys just like, and I'd be dancing out there. And so freshman year, I ran for president because that's what you do. And I got to be president of the freshman class. Nice. And my buddy, Jeremy, his sister and her friends were juniors, and they were so cool and beautiful. And so they kind of like got us in to like the cool crowd.

My freshman year, though, I became best friends with my brother-in-law now, Jason. And he was a senior. And he didn't have many friends, but we became best friends. Yeah, because he was super artsy. Musical theater. He introduced me to all that stuff, which was awesome and changed my life, really. But I kind of left my friends a little bit because we were. would hang out so much. I mean, he could drive and would go places. You ditch your friends for

Jason. A little bit. Yeah. Well, at least they felt that way. And I kind of did. Yeah, sure. So when he graduated, my friends were like, oh, you're coming back to hang, you know, when we started football again. I'm like, I'm back. And they made it hard on you for two days. For maybe a day. Then we were back. I mean, I was silly and outgoing, and I was in like the ensemble, which is like dancing choir, but I also played football and I was also in student body, but my grades were terrible. So by my senior, I got kicked out of everything. Okay. But you were also cheerily? but you called it something else?

It was an All-Star Squad. Okay. So it's like club cheer. You don't cheer for a football team. You just cheer for yourselves, I guess. You compete, you throw someone in the air. But that was just my senior year. So I would do football and cheer.

And you were the captain of both? There was four captains on the team. I was one of the captains. Okay. It's amazing. That's a fucking amazing. It is. I, in retrospect, like mine,

which was not popular in elementary school, so popular in junior high. I loved it. What about high school? I love being popular. Yeah, sure. God, I loved it. I got away with murder.

Oh, it's just everyone was excited to see you. Yeah, everyone wanted to see what you're going to do next. It was so fun. And I was thinking because my daughter went to like a party with other kids her age. I was just remembering that this is when this is so gross to say, but kind of the legend of Aaron and I started. Yeah. Was going to this girl Brandy's birthday party. This is what it all started.

And we were there, and we just were always so comfortable with each other. So we were spitting our hot dogs in each other's mouth, and the girls were like, oh, my God! You guys are so gross, but they loved it. And then maybe we kissed even in front of them. Like, just all this stuff you weren't supposed to do as a boy. Oh, that's the best. And those parties were really what kind of started the whole thing.

I was just picturing my daughter. I know. Isn't it a trip? I'm like, she could return a completely different person. Like, if she comes unpopular, we're on a totally different trajectory now. That is for sure, dude. It's a trip, because my girls are just a tiny bit older than yours. I told you, I picked them up my oldest from a high school party the other day, and it's like, just a trip, man.

I mean, there's no booze, I don't think. That we know of. That we know of. All right, what one am I taken, Aaron? Oh, sorry. What food item. Michelle. Yeah.

My bad, yeah. The other one does not Michelle. Not even close. I guess I wanted. I just wanted to see. I just want to get these. sushi out of the car. Yeah, that's a stinky fish out of my face. I gotta know. Did you interact with the person? Or do you just drop out? No, that was leave at door. Pretty much everyone's

leave at door. Okay, because we're kind of telling on ourselves for a bad deed. So I want to go back to my transition from bully to being friends with the popular kids. There was an exact moment, which is I would go out to the playground with my friend Clay. And he was the other tough kid in my class. He was a redhead. He and I had a gnarly fight one time when I was staying at his house when my mom was out of town. I missed her and we fought. And he scratched. my nosed up so bad. I had scabs all over my nose. Oh, geez.

He scratched. He's wild. He's feral. No rules. No rules. No rules. No. But at any rate, we would go out to the playground for recess, and we would just start

wrestling kids. And we played this game top of the mountain. You had throw each other down. That's all we did. I was like a mid-level bully in that I felt fine about, like, getting kids in headlocks, throwing them on the ground. And I also felt fine about punching kids in the stomach. Yeah.

But I never punched anyone in the face. And everyone wanted to wrestle. They probably didn't want to, but they had some. Stay tuned for more mom's car. We are supported by Allstate. You know what's smart? Checking Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds on car insurance. You know it's not smart, not checking the back seat of your car before telling your coworkers to hop in.

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boy when I first moved to Highland to my neighborhood, and I was brand new there. I didn't know anyone, and he was the first to kind of ride his bike up to my yard and ask if I wanted to come over. So I went to his house, and he was very sweet, but he had like a coin collection, and he had wallpaper of old cars on his wall, not cool cars, but old-timey cars. He loved old trains and coin collections, and he talked about his grandpa all the time. He's such a community. And he was enormous, too. He was like a big boy like me. Anyways, I had been friendly with him when I first moved there. And then I definitely outgrew him really quick, which is sad and I felt guilty about it.

But somehow he wanted to get in the mix, I'll never forget. I punched him in the stomach in the parking lot of Spring Mills. Parkin lot. For some reason, once in a while, you'd have recess in the parking lot because it was too muddy or some shit. I don't know why we were in the parking lot. But I punched him in the stomach and it knocked the wind out of him. Oh, that's a terrible feeling. And he got really, really scared.

And he fell down and he was crying. And I felt so fucking bad. And then I told Clay, I don't want to fight at recess anymore. I don't think anyone likes this. I think they're just scared of us. And he was like, yeah, go on your way. I'm going to stick with this. And God bless him.

He stuck with it. Wow. And then I had to go get this other group of friends, which I'm glad I did. But I was driven there by feeling really terrible. Well, good for you. I like that story. I did too. I love the ending.

Yeah. I mean, I can see him so clear. laying on the asphalt. It was right by a manhole cover, crying and scared that he had just been killed. You know the first thing you get the wind of day? Oh, it's just scary. You're dying. You're never going to breathe again.

Yeah, you're like drowning. This boy just killed me at school. I bet those coins flesh before his eyes. That's grandpa. Okay, so I was saying, though, that I do like my trajectory, which is like not popular at all, then super popular in junior. But then when I moved to a whole new school district

to move in with my dad in ninth grade, started high school in a place I didn't know anyone. And I had two really brutal years. I had a terrible haircut. I had acne. I got super skinny and tall. I didn't have the right clothes. I did spend two years just thinking, well, that was my only taste of it. Yeah. And then when it came back to me around 11th grade, I was so grateful to be back. Oh, yeah. I thought it wasn't ever going to happen again. And then slowly it started kind of working again. Never in the the same way they did junior high, but definitely by senior year, I was one of the cooler kids of my school. Did you guys have senior superlatives? Did that what it's called? Yeah. We did in junior

high, too. We called them mock elections, and we were super into them then. And I think I did get class come, but I never got my yearbook. That's how much I didn't like. You never got your yearbook? Those are so fun. I never got a yearbook in high school, only our junior high ones, which we look at non. Yeah. Yeah. My girls look through my high school one. They read everything. I'm like, don't read the stuff. But that's your sweet spot. right? Is high school an apex? I think so, yeah. Yeah, let's just say that the family you married into,

the whole gang's in love with you, right? You start by going on a date with your now-wife's older sister, your best friends with the oldest brother. Yeah. And then you start dating Amy. Yeah. I guess I was pretty popular in high school, but also... The most popular?

No. Are you sure? Yeah. Come on. I was a jokster, so I think some people probably thought I was a jerk. Okay, sure. I'm going to be honest about that. Sure, sure.

But I think it was just joking. Sure. Good nature joking around. But I tell you why you can't take a joke. But I think for the most part, I was okay. Yeah, because you're a very sweet boy, but sometimes rascally. Yeah, a little bit of rascally. Yeah, he pushed the boundaries for sure.

And I was in ASB, which is associated student body, just so I could get the off-campus pass, which was every thing. So you could write yourself a pass to go get whatever supplies for the dance, but really go get burritos for everyone. Oh, wow. Oh, that was the best. What a blessing. Did you have a car in high school?

Yeah. Bronco 2. That's a great car for you in high school. It was pretty cute. My brother and I shared it for a while, and then he got a little truck, and then I had the Bronco 2. After that, I think my dad's old Honda Accord, which I had for a few years. And how were you juggling, being deeply Christian, but also knowing that you were

crazy about all these girls and that that was going to be challenging? I guess what I'm asking is, were you, like, riddled with shame a lot of the time, that you felt this way towards girls and stuff? Yeah, there was some shame for sure, but also at that time I was just kind of away from it, And then kind of found it again, my own kind of faith, once I got out of high school and really started dating Amy. Well, I dated her in high school. Once it wasn't mandatory? Right.

So, yeah, we definitely struggle with that. And there was a lot of shame around sex and masturbation and all that. How about even being really popular? Is that cool? Or is there any issue there? As far as my faith in being popular? Well, just like, I don't know, it's not very humble to enjoy attention. No, that's all good.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Okay, great. You didn't have any kind of. No, I don't think there's any. Yeah, you can shine as bright as you want. Yeah, I think so. I'm with it. Bring more folks in.

Obviously. That works. I brought so many kids one time to high school youth group because the more people you bring, the more tickets you get in the raffle. And I won because I brought so many kids. Okay. A BMW 2002. Wait, what?

It was junkie. My dad didn't know what to do with it. I didn't know how to drive stick. We all learned how to drive stick on it around our neighborhood. Oh, I want that car. My dad sold it for like $200. She just got rid of it. I didn't even know.

I was so mad at him. Wow. I know. I was 15. We didn't have our license yet, but I won a car. You want a car. But it was like a piece of... How many kids had you brought? I probably brought 15 kids. How many stuck around?

Did you hurt? None of them. Not your problem. You did your best. You don't got to close the deal. You're just bringing a man. I'll get a drill in my crown. 11th grade 2. I was so happy to run into you again. Yeah, yeah. Was it Padam? No. Or just I heard you were in Paddaa. Yeah, it was the Palmer drug abuse program. Oh, God. It was an outpatient.

It was like an AA for kids. Yeah, pretty much. Oh, wow. Yeah. Is that nationwide or is that like a local thing? No, it was local. Okay. As far as I know.

I think it was nationwide. They had an expert on that was talking about. The hell do I know. Yeah. I was local. But I was always, A, my dad made me go to A.A. meetings while I lived with them. That was the only rule I had.

Well, and in fact, I didn't have to go to A.A. He wanted me to go to Alinanon. But when I went to Alonon, I didn't really relate to anything they were saying. But when I was around, alcoholics. I'm like, oh, I kind of relate to these people. So I just would go to those meetings. And I didn't drink, and everyone drank. So I found myself at Palmer at one point, I guess, in ninth grade. So I had been there before Aaron had. And then Aaron was there for legitimate reasons. I had a court order to be there. Oh, wow. And then somehow, I think, through that,

we started hanging out again. Yeah, we saw each other, I think, at Country Boy Restaurant. And it had been a long, long time. Yeah, yeah. Which seems like decades. when you're that age. And then it was like slowly off to the races again. Yes, from 11th grade on. Same high school. No, we had different high schools. Were they like rival high schools or was it?

No. Well, tell me your high school experience. Oh, I. Well, I was expelled from high school in 10th grade. We got to add, too, this is the heartbreaking thing for me on the outside was that Aaron was such an insanely good baseball player. And the only upside of him going high school was going to be like, oh, he was finally going to get to play in high school,

which would then lead to everything else. And then, yeah, I think I heard through the grapevine that Aaron was done with traditional high school in 10th grade. I'm going to take a non-traditional route. To the major. To the major. It can include Duck Lake High. So, yeah, how long were you kicked out before you found out about Duck Lake?

What was it called? Oh, it was called Duck Lake then? Doug Lake. Duck Lake High. I don't know. It was an alternative education. It was called Chaparral. Chaparral.

The gnarly kids went there. And this one was in a really tiny deserted elementary school. Oh, yeah. So it's like the gym was really small. Oh, my God. Everything was small. Yeah. And all the guys there were in their 30s.

Oh, totally. All the guys were big drinkers. They all smoke cigarettes in class. Oh, yeah. We could smoke there. No way. That was fun. Oh, my God.

And there were guys who had, like, plumbing. vans in the driveway. He's like, tradesmen were going to school with Aaron. My God. I took Decks never believed any of the stories I told him. He's like, I don't believe it.

I was like, yeah, this is one guy is 22, and he's got cowboy booths. He's a real good volleyball player. We would go in the baby gym and play volleyball. This school was really just an assemblage of all the toughest kids from all of the districts.

It's the scariest place you could possibly. A couple of the teachers were bodybuilders because they had to fucking try to keep everyone in line. Wasn't for the fan. Did it ever get tricky? Was there crazy fights because that were crazy fights? Yeah, there was. Yeah, there was crazy fights. I brought Dax to school one day to check it out. You know, it's funny as you could do a guest pass for a school.

But I think generally they gave those out because someone would be thinking about going. going to that school. Is this Charlie's old gym? This is Magnus. Charlie's Jim's right there. This is that Porsche guy right here. Oh, boy, what if I was delivering to him? I'm pretty sure it's that one.

They're right there. You're waiting. Three guys delivering food. Three men with cameras. Can't be too safe nowadays. But Aaron used to get out of that school early. Of course. They couldn't expect those kids to be in school more than six hours or whatever.

Oh, no, it was. I think 8 to 11, 30 or something. It was like it was half of what a normal day would be. So nice. Yeah, just long enough to have four or five cigarettes. Place of volleyball? Could you smoke in class or was it like a smoke breaker? Yeah, there was a smoking room.

Smoking room. I was hitting those darts on the set this last month. And Charles, oh, it was so fun. Because your character smoke? No, one of the guys in it was doing always have. But I'm like, let me have it. Oh, it's so nice. They're so lucky.

Oh, it's so fun. You have such a loose grip with addictive stuff. Well, I didn't buy a vape this trip, which was a big deal for you because I think I'd be on that for a month after. Smoked cigarettes instead. Yeah. Those are easier to put down than to rape. Well, because they smell so bad. You can vape anywhere.

Yeah, you can get away. Also, if you come in the house and you've had some darts, your kids are going to. Oh, yeah. And your kids are on high alert for all things. Especially one of them. Oh, yeah. It's really funny that you spend, like, the first 30-year-life high. hiding everything from your parents.

And then the next, you spend a third hiding your life from your kids. Totally. I mean, my dad, we grew up, there's zero alcohol in the house. He was a man of the cloth. So you couldn't drink. But I remember one time, like, hey, Jack, he was doing yard work on a Saturday. Can I sip some of your mountain dew in this styrofoam cup? He's like, no, no, do you can't have that?

So he goes out and does the weeds and I'd take a sip. I'm like, this is disgusting. It was definitely like a little white wine or something. So he was having a little on the side. Good for. He was snaking it. Good for bread. He deserved it.

Yeah. Oh, you know what? This should tie into this. He might have to edit it out, but maybe not. Okay. I wrote this just for Ryan. Did you know where the vagina was the first time you were with a girl? Great question.

My first time, I thought she only had a butt. Oh my God. Let me hear your first time, Aaron. Elementary school, this was first time. doing the anatomy. So this was Melissa. I dug this hole in my yard. I turned it into what I thought was going to be my fort,

but it was kind of just a hole that took way too long to dig, like weeks. And I would cover it up with sticks and stuff, so no one knew about it. I found this deck of cards and some magazines that I put on the dirt inside there. Yeah, yeah. So it was like naked girls on the cars, which it was just huge bushes, you know. Which, of course, didn't help at all trying to find the vagina, so. And we're in the bush.

Yeah. And then when they don't have a bush, which this girl did not, because we're children. So we were like kissing. We're in a garage or in the fore? In the hole. That's what the holiest part? Yeah. It's entertain.

So we got naked. Oh, my God. What grade is this? Probably, like, fourth. Fourth grade? Naked in a dirt hole. Oh, my God. I never told you this.

No, no, I do I have the dirt hole. So we're in the hole. There was nothing going on. No one was horny. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just committed to doing it. Yeah, so she was like, touching my tiny ball pecker.

I feel like I'm going to go to jail for talking about when I was eight or whatever. It's hard to know who the victim is in this story, really. So anyway, I was looking for the vagina, and I was like, so her belly button, and I'm like, well, that's not it. Then I was like, or is it? So I was like rubbing her stomach. Yeah, I was kind of like. I guess this is it.

You gave up. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I thought, well, the only thing left is her butt. Yep. I'm so happy it ended there. This is wonderful. That was my exact experience, too, but I was newly at Muir, 6th grade, and this really popular

seventh grader liked me. I guess we were going together, and we went to the Milford Cinema, and then afterwards you'd go to Deanna's and hang out. And she's like, let's go behind the garage. And so we're behind the garage. And I had bent up someone's shirt at that point. And I'd made out a lot, but that was it. And then in the middle of it, she said, I love getting fingers.

Which, again, this is where we grew up. I've yet to meet a girl this aggressively sexual sense. And I met a few of them at that period, Aaron as well. I'm like, oh, right, she wants me to do that, no problem. And I put my hand on her pants, and I was going down and down. And I'm like, okay, this is where my penis would be. There's hair. And then, yeah, starting to panic and going, well, the next thing would be her butthole.

She doesn't have a vagina. Where the fuck is it? Why isn't it right there? And I'm pushing probably on her mom's pubis. A ton looking for the penis. And then she goes, have you never done this before? And I just panicked and like pot committed. I just slam my head deeper in there.

I'm going to fucking touch her butthole and that's going to be that. And then I found it. Oh my gosh. Yeah, it was like nine inches lower than I was expecting. Totally. Oh my gosh. I found like the first three girls I was with only had butts. We started asking girls before.

Well, do you have a vagina? My last few haven't. But I came to masturbation in the worst. I came to masturbation in the worst. weirdest way it's back at the original junior high sixth grade and i'm with this dirt bag who i rarely hung out with but we're walking down the road for hours and i don't know why he says randomly like yeah all those underwear models are gay he doesn't say that but yeah worse they all have vaseline stains on their underwear from whacking off this is a sentence i hear right and i'm like i don't really

I think a ton of it then other than, oh, it's gay. You're right. It's gay and underwear model, whatever. And then maybe three weeks later, I'm at my dad's house on the weekend. And I'm, like, rifling through his dresser like I did every time I visited. Like, as soon as he went to the bar, I was, like, check out everything he had. And I just found this fucking enormous jug of vasseling. I could hear him in my head saying, like, the gay stage is jacking up.

And then I was like, I just rub it on your feet is? And I remember sitting on my dad's bed was a fucking huge jar of thick vaseline. His bed. And rubbing it and it is confusing. It doesn't feel like anything. And then all of a sudden it starts feeling insane. Sure. And I think I'm losing my sight, maybe.

And I stop midway. I panic. And then I put the vaseline away and everything. Over the next week, I kept thinking, wait, was that actually, like, about to feel great? Like, I started questioning whether or not. And I was like, I got to, next time I'm in my dad's, I'm going to pursue that again.

Sure enough, he went to the bar, and I ran upstairs and counted all of his money and then got the vass one out. And then saw it through. And then you're just, you're completely off of the races. Yeah, absolutely. It just doesn't stop. Then all your underwear stain.

Yeah, I said you're one of those gay models. Those gorgeous gay models. And then what's so weird is, like, there was no religion in my house, really, to speak of. But I felt so guilty. I was constantly trying to quit. I remember, like, if I used my mom's lotion, I felt perverted. You're right. It's like if I went and got some of her intensive care.

Vaseline intensive care. Like, oh, my God, I'm going to hell. I use my mother's sweet, wholesome lotion. for this. Yeah, I think I always pretty much felt guilty after it, for sure. Do you remember when you started, Aaron? Well, unwillingly took part in some of that nonsense. Right around that same time, I was digging the hole and all that.

It came back to bite me with that very safe neighborhood I was in. Yeah, so safe. Yeah, so I was being taught that unwillingly. Yeah, by an older grocer's. Yeah, but the first time, this is. was probably, sure, sixth grade. I still remember my very first sexual feeling, but it wasn't for humans. I was, like, in fifth grade, and I was asleep, and I woke up with a boner, which I think

was the first time I remember doing that. And in my dream, I had been humping this rock that was on my way to school. That was on the walk that I saw all the time. Sexy-ass rock. Yeah, I had like a sex dream about this rock. Oh, my God. And for the next year that I walked to school before I came to school, I'd always look at that rock on the corner and just be like waiting for some spark to hit me.

And then kind of wanting to hump it, but knowing you can't possibly do that. At 8 in the morning. Oh, my God. But I do, I always just like lock eyes with this rock every day. And I just didn't know what that feeling was. Just like, I feel the urge to grind on that rock. Did you ever grind on the rock? I didn't.

Was it too big to, like, take home? Oh, my God, it was a Boulder. It was like, someone had it as, like, landscape art. Of course, what am I thinking it's this big? Oh, my God. That is so funny, dude. It's actually about a boulder. Those early things they led to one of the crazy stories I have,

which is around that time also I'm watching the movie Real Genius with Val Kilmer. And at one point, he's making fun of, like, the nerd in the school that they hate. His name's Clark, maybe, or something. No, it's, um, Kent. And he's like, Kent, what were you doing when we found you naked with that bowl of jello? And I just remember hearing that and thinking like, oh, yeah, that would feel really good, wouldn't it? I was just, like, introduced to that notion from that movie. It was just floating around in my head for, I guess, eight years, and then I moved to Santa Monica.

I'm 21, and I'm at Savon store, and I see that there's like five boxes of jello for a day. dollar. And I'm like, oh, it's fucking perfect. I live by myself. I've always been thinking about it. And I'm going to love it. So I'm going to buy five boxes, which I did. And then I came home and I made the jello. And I thought it was just jello immediately because I'd never made it. Oh, right. I hate jello. Got to let it set. So I'm just waiting. I'm sitting in my lazy boy while it's cooling in the fridge. And I'm so horny. I feel like I could be. baby spray before I even... Oh my God. Yeah. So I got it out early. Yeah. But it had taken enough shape and it was in a pint glass and I put my dick in

it and it just immediately turned to Kool-Aid. It was such a waste of everything. Like, I was probably a couple hours into this fantasy by the time I'd stick it in there. I'm standing in my kitchen because you can't really lay down and fuck the jello. Because it would just pour on you. So I'm like trying to fuck it in my kitchen. It's just red dye spilling over the floor. I'm like totally bummed with the whole thing.

I throw it in the sink of Jerg off traditional style. Then the next morning I wake up and I go pee and I have like a rash on my dick. But because I'm 21, I'm always convinced I have an STD. So I'm like, oh, the die stuck to an SCD that I didn't know I had. And it's a rash. It's not the die. I just, I don't know what it. I decide I have a rash.

No, I think it is a rash. I don't know. I have an STD. I know that because it just showed me. And so I have no insurance or anything. So I look up in the phone book, L.A. Free Clinic. And I go, and I know you already know the end of the story, but I go in there and I'm so embarrassed.

And I don't know really how I'm going to explain the Jello part of this. And then I decided I'm going to act like me and my girlfriend were experimenting. Totally. That's the move. So I check in, and then I'm behind. a sheet and this doctor comes in. She's maybe three years older than me. She's so young and she's so pretty.

And I'm like, oh my God. And she's like, so what's going on? And I go, well, I think I might have something. My girlfriend and I were experimenting with jello and oral sex. And she's like kind of, not she didn't laugh, but she like likes the side up to this. And then she goes, okay, well, let's see what we got going. on pull your pants down and she gets now down and she's like down at my crotch and she looks up at me and she goes what flavor was it and i go strawberry and she goes raspberry is my favorite

oh god i got i got a hundred percent a wreck like i'm 21 it's like a two-by-four dead hard Right in front of her face. Oh, my God. And she, like, looks, and she, like, pushes it to the side and this side. And she goes, yeah, this is nothing. You're just a little irritated from the die, but you don't have any way. Oh, my gosh, dude. Did you apologize when you got...

I didn't know what to do. Yeah, what do you do? You just stand there. And then I'm telling myself, too, like, why would she have said that other than she is flirting with me? I don't know. My favorite's raspberry. Oh. I think I've seen that porno.

Okay. And now the funny end punchline to that story is a year and a half later, I meet Brie, fall in love, Brie moves in, and like probably 10 times she offers after dinner, you want me to make some of that jello? Because it's just four boxes are sitting in there. And I said no a bunch of times. And then she goes, you never want this jello. Why do you even have it? And I go, I hate jello, okay?

I don't like jello. I bought it because I wanted to fuck it because of this. movie and I just like came clean and then she was laughing so hard that was so good that that was basically a sex style in the coverage oh my gosh oh well Ryan I love you

love you guys that was so nice it's just nice to drive around and do you ever record anything? Who cares? Who cares? Who cares? He cares the shit I'm going to be able to be.