Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Breaking News

Episode Date: March 6, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica recounts her personal experience in India, Liz announces her new alcohol exception, and they discuss feeling younger the older they get. They answer listener questions on whether to tell a friend not to go through with a marriage and how, as a man, to respond to female friends who make broad generalizations about men. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi, Liz. Hi. I missed you. I missed you so much. I'm dying to know everything. Okay, so backstory. We haven't seen each other in over a week, which is a long time for us, because Dax and I were in India with Bill Gates. We talked about it on the Goldie Hawn episode

and we posted on Instagram, but okay, you know what's rare? Going to India with Bill Gates. That is rare. You're right. No, what's rare for the armchair umbrella is our recording schedule normally lends itself to SYNCT being recorded after Monday's fact check, right? What ends up happening is you and I are talking about something that often I've already talked about, but this is a very fast turnaround for us. It's like our fastest ever.

And so in fact, we're gonna be talking about it first. Wow, we are doing breaking news. We're breaking it. Wow, it's like we're the junior, or not you, but I'm like an intern at the company and then suddenly like something happens with the schedule and I'm the 90-M-A-er. You're the president.

Yeah, I'm the president. That's exciting. So what is the breaking news? What what happened? I didn't hear that much from you Yes, of what was happening. There were no IG posts. So I'm in the dark Well, I would have updated you more but as we were just talking about as we entered here the time so it's 9 a.m. Here It is 10 30 p.m. here, it is 10.30 p.m. tomorrow in India. The time is so off of the U.S. schedule. So I'm a little wonky, but I feel okay. So we were invited to go with Bill on one of his basically like check in trips with the foundation and Gates Ventures, they have two.

And so they do a ton of work in India and a ton of work in Africa. And he goes and checks in and meets with people. And we were sort of just like flies on the wall with him just following him around. We found ourselves in some really crazy situations, some tables where we were just like, how are we here?

How'd they let us in? They don't understand why we're here, like all these Indian people. But we got to do a lot of really amazing stuff. We went to a revitalized slump. That was one of my favorite parts because they're doing a whole project there where they're taking these slums and giving land ownership to the people. They're sort of letting the women from the community run it and it's pretty amazing what they've done.

So the whole trip was awesome. I'm sure we'll be talking about it forever. But for me, I had a lot of anxiety going into the trip. I think more than I let myself feel for multiple reasons, mainly being I've avoided this part of my identity for so long. And yeah, I was like, what's it gonna be like when I'm there? What am I gonna feel? You know, my grandfather just passed away.

How's that gonna impact my feelings toward it? Whatever, I just was like, what is it gonna be? And we've talked about this on the fact check, so I feel comfortable saying it, but I felt a little anxious because Dax was so excited going in. And I sort of took that on as, okay, he's so excited. His expectations are at 100

and nothing can meet an expectation like that. So then we get there, he's gonna be disappointed. And then I'm gonna feel that. I'm gonna feel defensive over this history of mine and identity and home that I don't even feel connected to it also. It's very, it's very confusing. And so like going in I already knew that and I was sort of working through that with my therapist and trying to separate his feelings from my feelings. Anyway, we get there and

we land and we're going to this like palace basically to stay, but we land and we're going to this like palace basically to stay. But immediately when you drive in, you're passing so much poverty already. And then you get to this palace. It's so stark, the contrast between the opulence and the poverty. But immediately, all I was thinking about was here in LA and how we're like on that track.

It was very startling. Anyway, all to say, I left feeling very proud that I came from there. It's so vibrant and the people are so awesome. It's a very special place. And I sort of let myself feel that and I feel proud. Aww. How are you? I'm so sorry.

I do. It was a surprising outcome for me. Like, you know, even like little things where we're at the buffet and I'm transporting back to me being 12 or something, let's say. If I was with friends at an Indian restaurant, somehow, like we landed there, which I would have never allowed, but if that happened, I would have acted like I didn't know what anything was, or like I didn't know how to pronounce anything, or I didn't like,

I would be very separate from it. I'm like, you, I don't know. And so it was weird to be there and like, you know, see all these things and just start embracing like, no, I know, I know how to say that. I know what this is. I know what it's made of. And it's like, I'm 36. It's crazy how long this is taking. But I think it was really, it was really good for me. I mean, I have so many things I wanna ask you. Like, it seems like you are connecting with the incredibly positive things about your identity.

And before, for many, you know, racism probably, and xenophobia and sort of the environment that you were raised in, you got the message that there were a lot of negative things and that those negative things you needed to hide or that those negative things somehow were like a threat to your acceptance and connection with others. Do you wish that you had had more opportunities to connect with the positive earlier in your

life or are you glad it's happening now? The easy answer is yes, of course. I think I thought that at some point, like, oh man, if we had come earlier, maybe I would have had this experience earlier. If I'm being honest, I don't think that's true. I think it required all things happening at once. Like for my own personal confidence to be at a place to match that experience,

because I feel pretty good as a person at this point. And that took a long time, right? So I think if I was even in my 20s, I don't know that I would have been able to embrace it in the same way that I did just because I didn't feel worthy of it. What do you mean worthy of it? I didn't feel worthy as a person, and I was still trying to gain worth from everyone around me, as opposed to just knowing it. Okay, so there was two things going on, being close to this culture.

So you feel sort of rejected by others, but then you also felt like it was foreign to you, and so you couldn't partake in your own culture. Is that what you mean? I didn't feel good enough about myself to be able to see any positives. Oh, got it, got it, got it. Whereas now I do feel good about myself enough, I mean, depending on the day, I guess, but enough so that I could really see it.

So I feel like DAX saw a lot of the differences, right? Which we all do when we go to foreign lands. The culture is so old and rich. Like we think of Europe as old. India and Africa are like where we all came from. The history is so old. And yeah, as we do when we go anywhere, you notice the things that are different.

So he was noticing a ton of differences, History's so old. And yeah, as we do when we go anywhere, you notice the things that are different. So he was noticing a ton of differences, but I was really noticing a lot of same. It was kind of different experiences for us in that way. And I think obviously me as an Indian woman going to India, I'm gonna have a different experience than anyone else on that trip. So there was this little girl with her grandma

like walking down the street and she was just like being so annoying to our grandma. I was like, yeah, we're all just so annoying to our grandmas. Like that's what we do, you know? All I could see was how, like it's so, you know, so cheesy and so cliche, but like we're the same. Like people are the same. They're in different environments,

they have different jobs, they have different ways of living their lives, but it's the same ultimately, which I find very comforting. Did you ever know someone who was South Asian, who also felt the same way that you did, and did you ever talk about it with them? Were these conversations that you had with your family

or not at all? No, and definitely not anyone, no friends or anything, because again, that was the whole point. I was not them. So I wouldn't have had anything to talk about with them because I had a different experience with them. And I have this ability to do that when I was young because my mom grew up here,

that I was like, well, I'm different because I'm like some generations away, even though that was a big stretch. I mean, it must've felt like lonely growing up like that. I can only see that in retrospect. Like when I was in it It was just it was second nature. It was just out of survival. It was just happening I don't feel like I was making any deliberate choices necessarily

So I can only see loneliness in retrospect because I also wasn't lonely at all I had really robust friendships that I still have so yes and no I had really robust friendships that I still have. So yes and no, lonely internally perhaps because I was negating this big part. I don't actually think lonely is the word. I think it's more like there's always a tension. Like something you need to hide. Yeah.

That's a lot to carry, especially as a child. You're different from your white friends, but then you're also different from your family. And so you're not at home with any group. And so that's why I'm asking, yeah, were there other friends that were like, oh, me too, right? And I'm sure even you having been able to talk about this

with a friend of, you know, again, I remember reading, this is so random, but like I needed to get credit for my last semester in college and I took this like high level, really hard Asian American literature class. But I learned so much in it. And I read a lot about like, the stories about children hiding their lunches.

I'm sure so many people relate so much to what you're saying. And sometimes it was at age 36 that they finally started to shed these things. Sometimes it's later even earlier, right? Like it's all these stories even beyond ethnicity, like people coming out when they're 80, right? So I think these stories are so beautiful and so important. But yeah, I'm also like, oh my God, I must have been,

like I wish I could have been your friend. It seems like you had great friends who didn't need me, but I wish like, I don't know. But if you were my friend and you were like, so tell me about your Indianness. I would have been like, you're not my friend anymore. Well, right, I wouldn't do that. I don't, I mean, whatever.

I was probably a fucking idiot at like every other kid, but I wonder if a white person, you know, had been around you and had been like, wow, that's so cool. Oh, wow. Wow, that's so cool never happens. So yes, you're right. That might have made a difference, although it's hard for me to,

it's no one's fault because I didn't even give anyone the opportunity to do that. But yeah, you probably would have been like, oh, that's so cool. And then that would have been nice. I mean, I aspire to have been that kid, you know, but, and did you have friends over or was that something you kind of avoided?

I did, but I much preferred going. And I would say like 90-10, I would go to people's houses every now and then people would come over, but it was rare. And also I could get away with it because it wasn't so prevalent. Cause maybe like if I grew up in a pretty strict Indian household or every dinner was Indian food

or the house was decorated in a very specific way, that would have been harder for me. It was almost like I was able to do it because of this weird middle ground. Because my mom grew up here. There was so much American-ness already in there that I just like leaned all the way and got, you know, beanbag chair and lava lamps.

And all the things that are so American. So specific. Oh, I miss lava lamps. Support for Sinked comes from Vagamore. They have the grow hair serum, which we love because we'd like to have long hair while we still can have long hair. We like it to be long and healthy and luscious.

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We are supported by Curology. Oh man, skincare. I've been on a real ride with skincare lately. And the thing about it is you feel like you have it figured out and then so quickly, there can be a hormonal change or you travel or pollution, you know, whatever. Stress, exactly, stress. And your skin can just go haywire.

And if you're not using products that are like legit, for me anyway, I am so much more at a risk of like having a big breakout. So I really like Curology because these are personalized prescription skincare products and they're made for you. They're made for your exact skin types. You send in pictures, which I really, really like. It's awesome.

It's like curated. Also their products are high quality, no fragrances. I really don't like when skincare has fragrance. And I automatically feel like, well, something's wrong with it. Yeah. For a limited time, you can get your first Cureology skincare box

for just $5 when you go to cureology.com slash synced. Go to cureology.com slash synced for this free offer. That's curology, C-U-R-O-L-O-G-Y.com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D. Trial is 30 days, applies only to your first box, subject to consultation, new subscribers only. ["Syndicator"] Was it healing for DAax, your friend, to be so excited? Or at this point, do you not need that? You mean when we got there?

Yeah, just about in D.N. General and getting that kind of, wow, that's awesome that you didn't get as a kid. That's a good question. I guess I didn't need it as much, which is also telling and huge. It was interesting though, because we've talked about this a lot, like when you need to talk about it with your grandma,

when I'm at restaurants and stuff and my dad is ordering and I'm always like a little like, even though he totally knows what to say, but there's like the second guessing and then he points and I feel like I have to speak for him and it's always this thing. It was when we were at a restaurant, I just remember specifically having this like moment

because Dax was trying to order something and then I like stepped in and said it. And then I was like, God, again, it's like where do you belong? When I was like, God, again, it's like, where do you belong? When I'm here, I'm speaking for my dad, I understand this, when I'm there, I understand that. It's a weird man with no country thing.

But I've never felt like a man with no country because this is my country. And I've never like second-guessed or thought twice about it. But it was pretty profound. I think I'm really glad. And that's none of that has anything to do with what we were doing.

I mean, a little bit obviously, but had nothing to do with Bill or any of that. That was just like this personal journey that was sort of happening on the side, which was good. And did you talk to your parents about it? Not yet, I have to call them. They'll be so happy. They will be.

It reminds me of also the way that a lot of black people talk about, I mean, I think Trevor Noah talks about this, maybe in his book of just, first I was like, oh, I'm with the white kids and they embrace me, but then, oh, later the black kids were embracing me and I was like, oh, I'm black.

Again, as the world also just becomes more and more mixed. Mixed, yeah, I don't know what the right term is, but blended. Blended, I think this is a reality for more and more people. And being open about it is really brave and really important. And I feel like this is the beginning of something for you. I do too. I don't know what, but also, I've said, this is not PC at all, but I've said, like, I'm not so far, like I'm not attracted to Indian men really,

because it feels so familial, which is true. But then when I was there, because everyone's Indian, you can't say every single person around you feels like your family, like they don't. Because here, if you're around an Indian person, there's enough shared stuff that it feels familial because they know the things that your family knows, right? And nobody else does.

But there, every single person knows those things so you can't separate it out. And there's one guy that was so attractive. You had a crush in India? Little bit. I was hyper aware that I, I don't know if I would have felt that here or not. It's hard for me to know, I guess. I think this will be a great essay in your book.

I've written a little bit about the experience. I don't want to keep going on it. Okay, so tell me about your week. Not as interesting. Really. I thought a lot about you. I went to New York. How long were you there?

I was there for like a week. Wow. Yeah, I just got back on Saturday and then I'm going to Seattle later. I know. I'm like moving around. Oh my God. And then we're going to South by.

Yeah, we are. So that's exciting and we're gonna have fun at South by Southwest. Yeah. Do you have your spreadsheet of parties? I am, I know that it's not, it didn't work for us the last time, so I'm exploring something different.

What are you exploring? Well, I feel like I might send you like one party invite because I feel like it overwhelmed you and then I didn't get the results I wanted, which is us going to a party. So I'm being a little bit more chill about it. Okay, cool. But will you commit to considering going to a party with me?

Here's the honest truth. It's a pretty tight sketch for me, but I'll consider it. Okay. But you know, I also want to go to a little shopping and I want us to go to breakfast. Yes. Last time we had an epic breakfast. We did.

It was, I don't remember the name, but. Neither. Shout out. Shout out to some restaurant that we really liked. I think we ate like deep fried cinnamon rolls. Like there was just like a decadent menu. Also on my airplane ride, I watched Anatomy of a Fall because you've been telling me about it.

The only problem is that we landed. No, Liz. There was a problem with my screen. And then I had to go back and then we started. And so then I just was like, I'll read this book. And then I plowed through this book, which, you know, I'm pretty proud of myself. And then I was like, okay, now I can watch Anatomy of a Fall.

And I just, I don't know what happens. You don't know how it ends. No. Oh, no. That's a huge, oh God. But it's great. I love it. You were so right. And then the kid with the dis, I'm's great, I love it. You were so right. And then the kid with the dis, I'm just like, I understand now what you were like, you're gonna like this.

And you're gonna hate it. Oh no. Is it good that I didn't see the end? No, no, no, no, I just mean like, cause you saw enough of it that the movie's so good. It's so small in a lot of ways. It's a small story, but I told you, I almost turned it off multiple times because it is so

Stressful and what is going on with the justice system? I know and yes this kid that's getting sort of dragged into it That's what I mean about hate like hating it because it's just like why? It's infuriating. It's such a good look at Why? It's infuriating. It's such a good look at relationships and how what goes on in a relationship can be misconstrued so quickly from the outside.

Right, or that one person's version of events, like with the therapist, he's just like casting her as this villain. And she's like, yeah, any therapist would cast the other person as a villain. Just it's this constant thought that I have of just like, I think it was a tweet, the worst person that you know is being told

that they're enough by their therapist in therapy right now. Oh, I just got two. Right? I hate that. It's like, POTIC. There's a story where you clearly, according to yourself and all your friends,

we're the victim where their therapist is like, you are the victim. I know. That's just, I can't stand that. Well, me and you talked about this recently at our Gallentines. How there are events in our life that are watershed moments

that have impacted from that day forward the trajectory of our lives, these huge things. Like, you know, let's take the Dairy Queen, right? Yeah. There is no chance in hell he even has an iota of memory of that day. He doesn't know that that happened. And yet it has impacted my entire life. And we are that for somebody.

Probably many, many, many people. We had a bad day and we said a thing or did a thing and that person's trajectory like took a left turn and it doesn't even exist in our memory. Yeah, that's terrifying. And the positive is also true. Sure. There's a person out there. Like your Uber driver.

My Uber driver. Which one? That significantly changed the course of my life in a positive way. And they don't know it. So it's important to remember both truth. It works so ways. But that is terrifying and that is 100, like we ruined someone's life.

Yeah. For sure. Probably more than one person. How do we write this wrong? Yeah. I don't know what to do about it. If we ruined your life, right? No, don't, well, should people write in? I mean, I guess that would be a way.

No, I can't. I don't think I can handle that right now. I'm on my epiphany, I'm having my own epiphanies. I'm on another route right now. Please don't tell me if I ruined your life. I'm sorry if I did. Well, unless you suck. Yeah.

Like that's, it's complex. Sometimes, again, I've. Well, unless you suck. Yeah. Like that's complex. Sometimes, again, I've had my life ruined by events that I'm glad happened. Sure. So there are instances where you get called out or you get confronted or challenged in a way. Well, there's someone in my life currently, I know for certain who thinks I've really wronged them.

And I know I didn't. Or, but how can, is it fair to say I know I didn't because in this person's reality, I did. So what's true? It's wild. The way that reality is completely created and crafted and subjective. Like the book I was reading on the plane actually is like,

I think it's called How to Change Someone's Mind. And it's this entire book about how to persuade people and through the context of like trying to make them see. Wait, is this a super communication book? What does that mean? What does that mean? Is it about super communication? Like how to be a super communicated?

No, it's not one of those weird like, influence people and manipulate them, but it's called how to change. How to change your mind is my components. It's not that. How to change someone's mind. Or how minds change. David McRae.

Yeah, it's not a really a self-help thing. It's more the science of it. And one of the big things that he sort of talks about is just that even someone who believes something so different, my go-to is just on abortion rights, which is something that's important to me. It's still very difficult for me, but if I come into conversations with people

with that perspective that like you're either dumb or evil, no one's going to like engage with me, right? Or change their mind, which that is actually the point. So he talks about this like hierarchy where the first step is you have to connect and then you have to communicate and then they change, right? So like you have to come into conversations, not trying to change someone's mind,

but actually just trying to connect with them. Yes, so we had Charles Duhigg on arm chair and he was amazing. And he, he, that's why I was saying super communication cause that's part of what his book was about, but it's this. But it's hard, like, and especially in your case where it's a personal thing that's happening, not that abortion is just some issue, but obviously all of these things we have

personal connections to, but it's so hard when you're in it with someone and they just have a completely different story about what happened. I guess for me, the takeaway is I can't control this person's narrative and I don't need to try to change their mind because I feel happy with my decisions. That's all I can do in this life.

Like I can't control other people's opinions of my decisions. That's all I can do in this life. Like I can't control other people's opinions of my decisions. You might never get that recognition or acknowledge it. Oh, I won't. Yeah. This person will die with that opinion of me and that's gonna have to be okay. Okay, so what parties are you gonna go to? Or what party do you want me to go to?

I need to look up my spreadsheet. No one has ever had spreadsheet of parties. I think of parties as very specific. Do you like parties? Not really. I mean, yes, if it's a small party, like a dinner party or a party of people I know, I love parties, but I don't love a party

with a bunch of strangers. I prefer a party to a dinner party. You do? I know, maybe I parties, but I don't love a party with a bunch of strangers. I prefer a party to a dinner party. You do? I know, maybe I'll allow Grow It. But there's something so exciting about a party. You're like, all these people, all these strangers. Wow. You had other Pisces of Ergo difference.

But you don't like small talk. No, but that's not what I'm going to do at a party. What do you do? I'm there to drink and dance. There's something super fun about connecting with people in the moment, like, yeah, dancing it out, having a moment at the bar, and then never speaking to that person ever again.

I also loved, you know, dinner parties are great too. But parties parties, and I also feel like they don't happen anymore. Like, parties parties are so rare at all age. They are. People don't have it anymore. Like parties parties are so rare at all age. Like people don't do it anymore. So have you been to a party since you stopped drinking? Yes, I have.

And you still enjoy it? I still enjoy it, which is kind of exciting. There was always a moment at the beginning where I kind of wish I could have a drink. And okay, I will be honest. Actually, I have something to confess. Oh, we love confession. Did, yeah.

So I have decided. Oh, we love confession. Did, yeah. So I have decided. Oh. And by the way, I hope I didn't do the annoying thing where I was like, I'm sober now. No, you didn't. Okay, great. I did stop drinking, but I've decided that I'm still gonna drink on dates.

It is too hard. It is rough out there. And I did go on a date in New York. Okay. And I did have an a date in New York. Okay. And I did have an old passion. And I thought about you, I was like, remember when we would have old fat? Like it was such a winter classic.

It was. And maybe I'll have one with you. Maybe I'll make an exception. I was gonna say because now I'm jealous. And it doesn't feel fair that these like random guys get to have a drink with you. And I don't just cause I'm an old standby. Okay, well maybe I can make another exception.

A list of exceptions. Maybe we can have an old fashioned this winter. This winter, that's so long from now. Aren't we still kind of in the winter? No, it's I think technically spring. Dude, that's because the groundhog came out. That's not how they come back. Yes, I think that is.

March 19th. On that birthday. Yeah, spring baby. And it ends at my birthday, June 20th. Wow, so sick. Okay, so March 19th. So it's still winter. We have- Wait, your birthday is, so March 19th. So it's still winter. We have-

Wait, your birthdays are actually on the 19th. Yeah. So, oh my God. Wow. Okay, so we have to celebrate spring and Liz all at the same time. I know it's a lot. This is exciting.

I know it's a lot. I know it's a lot. Support for Synced comes from Rocket Money. I had this, another one. Oh, I have it again. And I don't, okay, this is a new one. I don't know if anyone can relate. I literally don't understand what this charge is for.

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by going to rocketmoney.com slash sync. That's rocketmoney.com slash sync. Rocketmoney.com slash sync. Sync is sponsored by BetterHelp. We love therapy so much. We do, necessary. I find it so necessary, you find it BetterHelp. We love therapy so much. We do, necessarily. I find it so necessary, you find it so necessary. You just came from therapy.

I just came from therapy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I was having like the real-time realization of how much I've actually gained who I was when I started therapy versus who I am now, completely different person. Yes, therapists just will make links between things in your life that you would have never thought had any connection. And I just keep running into people who are really looking for therapists

and moving to a new city or starting a new job. And I'm like, go to better help. Like you can find the right therapist for you, no matter where you live. All online. It's all online and it's just so convenient, so helpful for people, especially in this day and age, where things are pretty crazy.

Learn to make time for what makes you happy with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash synced today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sync, S-Y-N-C-E-D. So if anyone can tell me good things that happened when they were 27, I feel 27. That's actually the truth. It's a problem. I feel like there's an error.

I do have imposter syndrome. I'm like, if people know I'm 37, they're gonna expect things from me that I will not be able to deliver on. And that scares me a little bit. Birthdays are getting hard. Like they didn't used to be hard. And past 35, I've noticed they're a little tougher.

Do you find them? I mean, it's only two, but yeah, this sort of like, oh. Yeah, it hasn't hit me too much, but I think you're right. Like after 35, you start feeling like, ooh, we're getting to 40. But I don't have a problem with 40. In fact, okay, I've had some of the opposite feelings sort of recently where sometimes I think,

oh my God, I'm only 36. I have a lot longer to work. And how am I gonna fill all that time? Like, what am I gonna do for that long? Will I be able to work for that long? Like, will there be do for that long? Will I be able to work for that long? Like, will there be opportunities for that long? I have that fear of, oh God, I'm not that old and have a lot more time in the workforce.

And I'm worried that the opportunities won't match that time. That's real. I mean, that's, I feel that way. We're in an economy where that's a common feeling and it's a rational feeling. But I like that framing. A lot of my friends are older, which helps when I go,

oh, they're like, you're literally a baby, you know? But then I also look at women who are 37 and like I feel a mismatch. Do you, and maybe it's because we don't have kids. I think that's actually probably the main, it just keeps you young in a way. And again, the way that I live my life, like it isn't that different than when I was 27.

Maybe that's, I mean, obviously so many things are different. I feel really young. Like I feel like I even look younger than when I was 27, which is funny. Yeah, you look super young. Thank you. Not that there's anything wrong with looking your eight,

like, of course. But again, the number doesn't make sense. Like the number doesn't match. But I think part of that is just because when you're super young, like a teenager, we just have a warp sense of age and we think something's much older than it is in the grand scheme.

Right. Yeah, we felt, well, when we were 16, we felt like full blown adults. Yes. Or even 12. I was like, I am a full human being. Get out of my way. Yeah, there's like this inflection point

where you feel old up into a point and then at some point it switches and you feel young forever. Right. Weird. At what age do you think that switches? I felt young when I was in my early 20s. Like I remember people are kind of impressed if you do anything.

So I remember feeling when I first moved to New York, like I remember feeling young for what I had, like, how people perceived what I'd done. But even then, like, I don't think you ever feel young. I didn't feel young when I was 11. But you're feeling young now, I'm saying. It turns. Like, I felt old in my 20s.

I felt mature and wise and in retrospect, that's all wrong. Like completely wrong, but I felt it. And then now I feel young. Maybe 35. It's such a big year. Do men have that? No, is as we know, race to 35, ding, ding, ding, it's a really pivotal year for women as our eggs drop off the face of the earth. Yeah, we have biological stuff we're

dealing with. Men also have a biological clock, but they don't get told about it. It's not the same level of drop off. We know 80-year-old men who are having children. Yeah, but it has huge complications that can happen. There can be, but an 80-year-old woman cannot have it. I mean, maybe they're, I mean, I guess I shouldn't say a hundred percent. Maybe there's been one time in history, but it's a different level. Well, you can ejaculate, but that doesn't mean that your fertile or that your fertility levels are going to be as high. Like, I'm shocked sometimes when I'll be like on an app

or something of that. And this guy's like, I'm 42 and like, don't know if I want kids at him. Like you better fucking figure it out or like freeze your sperm because you're not going to be able to wonder. Again, I think that men have a lot more of a, like are given a lot more of a luxury to ponder about it

and to not feel pressed when their bodies actually do have a biological clock. It's not as stark. Dating men would be easier if they also felt that same kind of pressure. I think there's a mismatch a little bit, sometimes at our age.

Some guys think they have more time than they do. You're talking about sperm health, which is, yeah. Okay, well, let's do some questions. Okay. Should I tell my friend not to marry that guy? This is from Anastasia. My friend was in a terrible marriage and got divorced a couple years ago.

All her friends, myself included, knew it wouldn't go well, but we all kept quiet and focused on being supportive of our friend. The divorce wasn't even filed and she was hanging around this other guy and I told her I hoped she would give herself the time to truly process everything. She didn't.

Immediately this guy moved in. Every time I've been around him, he's been angry with her. She painted her business a color he didn't like, she made plans with me and didn't include him, and I got some weird vibes that he's the type of guy who would lay hands on someone, just a vibe without evidence. I don't wanna be around him.

Anyway, they recently got engaged, and I want to say something. Can I? She does not seem happy, and I've known her since we were four years old. Oh. This is hard. It's hard. I think I would have a conversation and say,

hey, before this marriage, I just want to make sure you're really happy. Cause I've known you for so long and I wonder. I think it's simple as that. In this book I was reading, they were like therapists don't ever tell you, I mean, good therapists unless you're in a situation, a dangerous situation, I think they'll never be like,

you shouldn't do that. But they will ask you the right questions that will make you, cause if someone else tells you, right questions that will make you, because if someone else tells you, this guy's terrible for you, your immediate reaction is going to be being defensive and doubling down because someone's telling you that you're wrong and no one wants to be wrong, especially for something that's like as important.

Especially if you've already been divorced. Exactly. Yeah, she's gonna be very defensive around this. Yeah, she doesn't wanna be raw. So like you don't want to make a mistake. Like it sucks. So I actually wouldn't focus on what you think about him or again, be negative about him.

Because again, then she will be defensive or again, won't trust you because she loves him, right? Obviously they're engaged. So it means you are on a timeline, but this might be like a multiple conversation situation. And yeah, asking her questions. I mean, again, like I remember my therapist doing this. The guy was dating while we were recording race to 35.

This person was so clear in how they weren't reciprocating. Yes, and weren't like, I mean, they really, I think there was a lot of affection, but they were like, I will be on tour. I will not be able to be. They're really clear with you. They were very clear. And I go to my therapist like,

so I don't know why he's like using this. Like I came in with my whole analogy of like why he was, and she was like, no, no, he's telling you. Like all she did was kind of repeat back the situation and say like, and is this what you want? Cause then again, you go into delusion, you're like, well, I can make this work and like actually be really nice for all these.

And it's like, no, no, let's go through the day to day in 10 years, like in two years. What does it look like with someone who's upset because you're hanging out with your friend, with someone who criticizes you. And so yeah, I would just be curious, not go in with trying to change her mind or trying to argue with her about it,

but sort of get her to see what you're seeing. But I also, for you, if you don't wanna be around him, then don't be around him. But you don't tell her, you don't have to say like, hey, if you go through with this, just so you know, I'm not gonna come around. Like, don't do that, but just put up your boundary. Like, if she does get married,

you request like hanging out one-on-one with her. And it's so hard. So many of us have been in this position where we see, we can just see like, oh, why? I think this is a separate case, but I think it's important to remember that what we want out of someone is not necessarily what everyone else wants out of someone.

And we project a lot of our own wants and needs on other people. And they could be completely different. 100%. I've been thinking about this a lot. I have friends who are in relationships and like there's one particular friend with like the guy cheated on her. And like I had to be there for her in that moment and not tell her to make the decision that I would make. Right.

And they're still together and she's really happy. Like, you know what I mean? Like, and if I had inserted myself into that decision, and again, there are things that I can tolerate that she wouldn't tolerate. Exactly, yeah. So you're right, it's also important to not, yeah, even though you do wanna make decisions

for your friends and you care about them so much. I mean, I relate so much. Yeah. Okay, let's relate so much. Yeah. Okay, let's see. Oh, okay. This is from Nick. Yes. How to respond to female friends

who regularly make broad negative generalizations about men as a man. I often find myself in the company of women who regularly make sweeping negative statements about men as a whole. It is usually joking, such as kill all men type stuff, but it also regularly dips into uncomfortable generalizations about how men think and act,

often in the realm of men being dumb or sex obsessed or other generally very patronizing things. These friends have largely had significant traumatic interactions with men. I myself have had my fair share of traumatic and sexual experiences with women, so I understand their thought process on a very personal level,

though it does not make these things any less hurtful. I am quote one of the good ones to them, which I feel is problematic on its own. I've tried to bring up these feelings before, but get shut down as I quote, don't understand the danger they feel all the time around men. I just wanna know how or if I should continue to bring up

how this makes me feel as someone who happens to be male. Day one, listener of Sinked and Lover of Race to 35. Thank you so much for making this podcast in such an honest and unashamed way. It has opened up such an amazing view into how someone with experiences so opposite of my own may interact with the world. Thank you for listening, Nick.

Yes. We do really, really appreciate it. Man, I'm mixed on this. Oh. Because I get it. It must be so annoying as a man, like to just be lumped in with a bunch of negative stereotypes, just like any stereotype on earth,

no one wants to be lumped into. So I do really get that. But also, I think there's a reality that men can't understand a lot of the dangers. And I totally respect that you have had bad interactions with women and it's not that men are bad and women are good. Like I think that's often how it's portrayed

and that is not true. Women are just as complicated as crazy of stuff. So it shouldn't be positioned like that. But it's true that women walk around with a very specific level of danger around men that men don't have, just in a physical sense. Yeah. But kill all men, that's rough. Right.

It's like, I think that that's a, if we're to give them completely the benefit of the down side, that's a valid emotion to feel when you're dealing with a traumatic experience or again, you're in the thick of it with a guy or several guys and it all adds up, but like know your audience and maybe, saying that to a guy who's actually not also like, kill all men like, no, because your friends

with someone who's having an example right here. men like no, because you're friends with someone who's great. You have an example right here. Exactly. So say that to a girlfriend. There's a time and a place for those kinds of comments and it's also not helpful to indulge in those comments. Like it doesn't help me when I have an upsetting experience to be like, well, all men are, but it's like,

that's not true. It's feeding my delusion to feel like I'm entitled to say that and then people are enabling me to believe that. And it's a self-fulfilling prophecy. The more you think of them, the more you see it. But for him, the only thing I would say that you could say is just like, hey, is there any way we can not talk about this?

It bums me out. And don't get in a debate with them, because that's where it will get tough. And they'll say, well, and you don't understand, and don't engage in the debate here, you just speak vulnerably with your feelings, which is like, this type of conversation bums me out. Can we pivot and talk about something else? I think that's the really only way to handle it. And you said you've tried, so these women aren't the ones that aren't gonna like probably adjust.

Do you want to be friends? I mean, I think this applies to so many things. You know, I have people in my life that can be very negative and be extremely pessimistic about what's happening in the world. And then I'll come out of a conversation with them and I'm like, oh, why do I feel bad about myself, about the world? And it's something to know within yourself.

Do you want to spend more time or invest more time in these friendships? Cause it seems like that's not what you to spend your time doing and it's contagious. It's important to think about who you're surrounding yourself with. That's very true. Okay, well that's it for today because we're on a short timeline but we have a lot of great questions next week and I'm so happy to be back with you. I missed you so much.

Maybe when we come back we'll have a party we'll be talking about. Maybe, maybe. I'm not committing. But at least a breakfast we'll be talking about. Yes. And I love you. I love you too.