Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Bubbles

Episode Date: August 23, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz become armchair gynecologists, they ponder if a man should ever ask a woman where she lives, and Liz shares a scary experience she had in front of a Los Angeles drug store. They discuss listener questions on how to cope with changing friendships when children are added to the mix and challenge the age-old question - does money really buy happiness? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

do you have no underwear are we recording no i'm wearing underwear okay are we recording yes okay we are now keep it in okay monica's wearing underwear. Are you? I'm wearing shorts, but no underwear. Oh, wow. What an interesting choice. That's what I do a lot, actually. I had a theory. Wow. Shocker. What's your theory?

Okay. So I was sleeping in someone's house who was the male gender. And I got my period. And I was wearing period underwear. And we went for a hike. And then we swam in the waterfall. So my period underwear was full of water. Whoa. Hold on. You have so many pins already but okay go on and so I had to borrow a pair of male while you're on your period well I postmates tampons oh which I hate I don't like to wear tampons but it was an emerge okay and see I'm starting to talk like you yeah you are so

you're see where I'll see. Yeah. And so I post my tampons. And then I was like, I need to borrow a pair of underwear. And so I'm wearing these boxers and I sleep in them. And then the next day I kind of get home and for a few hours, I'm like, why am I so comfortable? And I was like, oh, I'm wearing male underwear. A lot of women are dealing with a lot of vaginal health problems. I feel like it's in the air right now. It's Venus. Sure. My mom. Oh my God. Tell us. Does your mom have BV? What's BB? BV. What's bacterial vaginosis? Oh, vaginitis. Vaginitis. I don't know what it is. No, she just had a UTI. Oh. And I also thought I was getting a UTI. I think you can get them. No, of course you can.

No, from women to- No, I haven't also. No, first of all- Because this happens all the time. First of all, that's not true. That's so unscientific. That's so stupid what you just said. I think women are synced. I think it's compassion pain.

Like women have so much empathy. Because it's happening to me a lot where my sister will get a UTI and then a few days later, I'm like, I'm getting a UTI. I think that's hypochondria more than what you've labeled compassion. But listen, also I haven't been around my mom. So it's not that she gave anything to me. I just on my own felt like, I think I'm getting a UTI, which also was weird because I went to acupuncture for the first time because I'm trying to get my egg quality up. Again, pins, pins, pins, pins everywhere. And

I told her sometimes I get UTIs. And then she gave me some pins. She gave me some pins. I think for helping with that. And then the next day I was like, I think I'm getting one. From the pins? Maybe. Where did you put the game I didn't put them she put them I feel like maybe she kind of gave me one yeah if they were put in a woman that had a UTI previously and then using the same pins no no no no no she didn't reuse her yeah they don't I don't know I've. No, I think they throw them out. Okay. Oh my god. I don't know. No, they throw them out

I think. How do you know that they do? They come in these individual paper wrapped. Okay. So I think they get thrown out. Well, it's like the double dipping places with waxing. No, they aren't. People would get sued. I hope people aren't double dipping anymore.

The days of double dipping are definitely over. This is upsetting. But they're hopefully not double dipping the needles. They're not. They're not. I've never done it. In a post-COVID world? Right. There's no way. Anyway, what we think happened is I was starting to get a UTI and my dad runs the sim. Sure. And so he's like, oh no, like he's very protective of me. I don't want her to be dealing with this. So he diverted it to my mom, which is kind of rude to my mom. Yeah.

Why would he do that? I mean, he does love me more than he loves my mom. Sure. I think that is the order of things in a life or death situation. If you were to ask a man, would you want your wife to have a UTI or your daughter? They should choose. Rob, what would you say?

My daughter. Yeah. Yes. There we go. Wait, you want your daughter to have. Oh, he said the wrong thing. I mean, Natalie. Okay.

Natalie. No, because Rob's a rascal. Yeah. And so he probably wants the daughter too, so that he could have sex with Natalie. I love that. Because then he can't have sex with his wife. Well, that's where the brain goes. Whenever anyone says, I have a UTI, I'm like, you've been having a lot of fun times.

Is that what you thought about your mom? No. No? Oh! Maybe. You guys were on vacation. No. First of all, we were on vacation a while ago.

I think the UTI comes quick. Okay. Also, ew. Okay. Also, yay. I mean, if they're having a good time in their old age. Older age. Older age.

We don't say old age. We say older age. That's different. It's more respectful. Yeah, we don't want to think about it. But if it has positive consequences for them. Listen, if that's the reason, I guess great for everyone. Okay.

Besides me. My guess is it's not the reason. And it's also not the reason why I felt like I was starting to get one. I wasn't having sex. But I am prone. You are prone. You've had bubbles. We are not talking about the bubbles.

Have you not? Oh my God, Liz. Rob's in here. I couldn't even pee in front of Rob and now you want to talk about the bubbles? Baby B. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Sorry, we can cut. Oh my God. I thought you were pretty public about it. No, I've never talked about that except to you. I think vagina bubbles should be talked about. I've had them. Well, then you felt like you had them after I had them. Yes!

Okay, which seems to be a pattern. You gave me vagina bubbles. See, the theory is confirmed. No, the theory is confirmed that you're a hypochondriac. And for me to say that, who is also a hypochondriac, is saying something. I mean, now that we're here, I guess I'll decide if I'm going to cut it. Okay. One time I had intercourse.

This is a once upon a time story. Once upon a time, I did have sexual intercourse with a male. I think that male had an issue. Now, I don't know what it was. It wasn't an STD, thank God, or STI. Why do we have to change it to STI? I hate that. Well, I don't know what it was. It wasn't an STD, thank God, or STI. Why do we have to change it to STI? I hate that. Well, I don't know what the difference is.

Because it's sexually transmitted disease versus sexually transmitted infection. Why? For people's feelings? Yeah. Oh. It's like they don't want to have a disease. They want to have an infection. I guess I can't really say because I haven't had one.

Yeah. Anyway, so I was worried, of course, about STDs. After one time. Yeah. Yeah. Speaking of hypochondria. Well, Anne, I was like, I think something is wrong with this person. Not wrong.

You used the D word. Dirty. Not a dirty person. Right. But physically not keeping things up to date. Up to date. Not really, though. Okay, what really?

Yeah. My real feeling. Jesus. My real feeling is that I think this person was sick. Oh, right. Sorry. And came over anyway. Because you're fucking incredible.

Any man would overcome. Well, he didn't overcome. He put his sickness in my vagina. Right. Okay, sure. I mean, yes, that's one way to frame it yeah but also you wanted it so bad and wanted Monica Padman so bad oh that's sweet also I think men love to have sex yes that too and I wanted to have sex with him so it made sense until I felt like I think you're sick and I think you gave my vagina your sickness think you're sick and I think you gave my vagina your sickness. But luckily it wasn't an STD slash STI. Once I got that confirmation, I was like, well, I'm done looking into this. But for a while,

my body was trying to clean itself for sure with bubbles. I call them vagina bubbles. Yes. I don't have them anymore. Do you still have yours? They stopped. When mine stopped? When you stopped talking to me about it, mine just happened to fix itself. It happened to match up. What are vagina bubbles? Good question. It is a good question.

It's air. It's not like a queef, though. There's no sound. Not a fart. It's not coming out. It's not air coming out. It's more inside. Okay, so this is not on the scanner or anything. No. No, no a fart. It's not coming out. It's not air coming out. It's more inside. Okay, so this is not on the scanner or anything.

No, no, no, no. It's like internal bubbles. It feels weird. And I will say it feels like a bubble that's actually at the precipice of your, is it the urethra? What's that? That's where your pee comes out. Oh, okay. Maybe it's not there, but it feels like it's right at the entrance. Yeah. I think it is just your body trying to clean itself. I agree.

And I've learned a lot about discharge lately because I've been doing a lot of research. And even discharge, like it can be because, again, your vagina is trying to clean itself. Yeah. I think that's actually the point of it. It is. And so, again, you can learn a lot from the color, like like the consistency there's all kinds of different ways to learn about it it can come off as like oh this bad thing is happening with my body's wrong but it's actually your vagina talking to you oh wow and your vagina like trying to protect you from these whatever it is bacteria or sicknesses that people

give you men give you women can also give of course of course women can give sicknesses that people give you. Men give you. Women can also give. Of course. Sicknesses. Of course. Women can give sicknesses. Not all. Most likely it's the man. But yeah. Anyway, speaking of men, I just had a weird experience. I was leaving my apartment and there was a man there. He had what kind of looked like plans in his hand,

like architectural plans kind of, and he had a vest on like a surveyor. And he was like, hey, do you live here? I just stared at him. I was like, I'm not telling you that. And why do you feel like you're entitled to know this information from this little young girl? I'm only 20.

Yes. Teenage girl, 35-year-old girl. Don't ask a woman, a single woman by herself, if she lives in a place. I just said, uh. And he was like, do you know how many apartments are in here? And I started to get so mean to him. I was like, I don't know.

And he was like, you don't? I was like, no, I don't. And I just started to walk away. But also, he was like kind of a big guy. Or maybe that's to walk away. But also he was like kind of a big guy or maybe that's revisionist history. But in my head, he was a big guy and it felt like too much. Of course.

Even when Uber drivers are like, oh, do you live here? Are you going home? I always think that's such a weird question to ask a woman. I always say, no, that's my boyfriend's place. That's the code. I think also for men to like,

no to back off. I don't want to discourage men from like going up to women and striking conversations in a respectful way, in a respectful manner. OK, your face is like you're Irolic because this is not that. But even when there's a guy I'm like, oh, I have a boyfriend. I just say it even though it's not true. And I should probably be more empowered and not have to use that excuse. It just immediately the conversation's done when you say that. But isn't that shitty? Of course.

That's the thing you have to say in order to get someone to back off? Yes, I'm owned by another man. Yeah. You know, for you to not try and, and then he's like, oh, I respect that. Yeah.

I just don't respect you as your own individual person. Right. If there are men listening, if there are men listening. Oh my God. They're definitely not after you talked about vaginal discharge color.

They should know. They should know. Most of the time a woman has a UTI, has weird discharge, it's probably you. It's because of sex. Women's organs

are on the inside. So even again, common STDs, they're worse for women because everything is in there. Yes, it's so close to all our stuff.

Yeah, UTIs, you do have to be really careful because if you don't get that treated quickly, it will spread close to all our stuff. Yeah, UTIs, you do have to be really careful because if you don't get that treated quickly, it will spread to your kidneys and you will die. You will die. You heard it here. Also, the needles, they reuse them. And you can get UTIs from your friends. So don't hang around people who have UTIs. We're doing such a public service. We were teaching people so many real facts. Science. This is against my, I'm supposed to be a fact checker.

In this world. Oh, well, we don't have a fact. Yeah, this isn't that. We don't need it. This is separate. Yeah. Also in the history of the world, fact checkers have been men and like facts have been determined by men. It's true. Everything's determined and affected. Not everything, but a lot. And I think that guy was probably not trying to hit on you or be creepy, but he probably doesn't even understand that women always have to be on the lookout for, like, you know, this kind of behavior, which sucks. Exactly. He wasn't a predator, I don't think.

But it's just not knowing that that's unacceptable. And women walk around carrying so much of what's acceptable, what's not acceptable. And we're juggling a million ways of conversation and how to be to appease everyone. Then this man's just like, do you live here? It's like, um, maybe you don't ask me that. My version is like, I'll be 15 minutes into telling him everywhere I've ever lived. I'd be like, what am I doing right now? And then I'd go on a tailspin of, I have to change my locks, you know, because this man is a predator. Like, so I'm proud of you.

I feel like you set a boundary about not revealing to a stranger your address. Yeah. And I also kind of felt like he was trying to get the apartment shut down or something because he was asking about how many apartments. Yeah. Imagine if he actually was a predator, like to go through and have like a costume and like props. He went to Party City. Of course, I thought that

when I was walking in my car. I was like, I mean, he could easily be in disguise. Yeah. You never know. Synced is supported by Element. Element, L-M-N-T, is a tasty electrolyte drink mix with everything you need and nothing you don't. That means lots of salt and no sugar. I love Element. I love Element so much. Honestly, it's become just when I feel like something's just not right. Exactly. I just pop it.

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a salty friend and they'll give you your money back. No questions asked. You have nothing to lose. No questions asked. You have nothing to lose. Okay, but you experienced something crazy. This is another male thing. It's really bad. Tell us what happened. On Sunday, we were going to meet up in Santa Monica. And so my roommate and I left to go to the west side.

And so she was returning a carpet. All the UPSs were closed. And she was like, there's one UPS drop off that's in the Walgreens on sunset. And so we like carry around this carpet. It's sticking out from both sides of the car. Like, it's so funny. And she gets to Walgreens. She's like, OK, I'm like, do you need help? She's like, no, no, I've got this. And so I'm eating breakfast. I'm hanging out with my eggs. And then I start hearing some rumble and tussle. Is that the right expression? Rumble and tussle? Not really, but it both makes sense. You know what I mean? I look and there's a car that's parked and there's like,

oh my God, I'm going to start crying. It was like really traumatic. It's okay. There's this woman and this guy and she's just throwing things out of the car and it's sort of like rags and like clearly. Do you think they were at a house? Yes. The car's not like a run down car. Like the car's pretty nice and they're wearing clothes. These are definitely two people who have not been given everything in life. They were struggling. Yes. And so she's throwing the stuff out and I'm just kind of looking. And then they start kind of going at it physically. And this woman at one point, I'm looking at her.

I'm like, she's pregnant, visibly pregnant, like six, seven months, like a bump pregnant. And she's pushing him. He's pushing her. So I start kind of standing up. You're getting out of your car. Yes, because I'm seeing a woman in a situation that could easily become dangerous. And so it starts escalating. He punches her. She's bleeding and he's being extremely physically constraining, trying to shove her in the car. And I start

yelling like and there's these people kind of like on a balcony staring at the whole scene and they're filming it. Oh, my God. But they're not saying anything. And at this point, there's no one else that's in a car in the parking lot. And so I just start like yelling, like, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it. Like, you have to stop. And I'm just shouting like really loud just to like create a scene so that he stops. Yeah.

And he doesn't. I'm trying to interact with her. I'm like, let me help you. And at this point, there's two cars that come in. There are two men. And I'm like, finally, like these guys are going to help. They don't. At this point, I'm closer. Like these guys are behind me and they're not doing anything. I think one of them is calling 911 or like is on the phone. And then the security guard, I thought this was a cop because everything was nuts. But this guy comes out with a gun. There's two guns, actually. Maybe one of them was probably a taser actually now looking back, but he comes out and he starts screaming at them and he's responding normally to the situation. But I see his gun. Does he have it

out? No, it's not out, but he has his hand on it. And these people are black and he is not. And so then I started being like, oh my God, what have I done? Like now this is going to turn. Well, meaning like, what do I do now? You're worried he's about to get shot. Yes. And now she is too. And she's reacting in that way where she's now trying to protect him and saying, no,

no, I'm fine. I'm fine. I want to be in the car. And so then he shouts at me, go call 911. And so I then go to my roommate's car and I'm calling 911. And at this point, they're starting to drive away. There's a guy driving the car and he's closing the doors. A different guy? There was a man driving them, basically. The security guard is like letting it happen. These doors are closing one by one. So I hold the front door open and I'm like, I'm not going to let you leave. This is staying open. You're not driving away. She's not OK.

Then they closed the door. I am not able to keep it open. So then I go behind the car. I know. But I was just like, they can't leave with her. He's going to kill her. There's now a few of us and there's less of them. And we all know that this is wrong. And so, again, I'm shouting like, I'm literally not going to move. You can't drive away. And then they avoided me and drove away. Wow. Everyone was just standing there.

I just fell to the ground. I just couldn't, you know, fell to the ground. This guy was like, let's go. Come in the car. Like, we can go. Like, do you want to go try and find them the security guard no this is like another one of the men oh god and so then all of a sudden i'm in a car with a man no i know it was a lot and my roommate is still in walgreens and has no idea what's happening and so i had my phone and so i was like i'm you this, I don't know what I

wrote. I've been abducted, kind of. Well, I'm like, this woman has been abducted. And I'm trying to find her like, and then we drove around, we never located the car. And then this is the part I want to talk about. I come back, the police is there, and they want to get a witness statement. I say what happened. It's a woman and it's a man. And the first thing that the man tells me was, don't ever do that again. Like, I understand that you were trying to help, but like, I don't want to get to a crime, like a scene and then have two victims instead of one. I was like, I understand.

But like, I had to do something. And he then said, you know, the security guard asked her to get out of the car and she wouldn't basically like saying that she wanted it. Like a bloody nosed pregnant woman who's in a car with a man physically to deal with domestic violence how inept police officers are trained to deal with domestic violence where you would say that to me and again you can say the security guard couldn't act I understand like you can't physically pull her out if she says she doesn't want to but you're not gonna fucking look at me in the eye and tell me that woman wanted to be in that car. Yeah. And that I should have understood that. That's insane. That is so traumatic.

I'm also, I'm so impressed. You might not want to take praise for it. Do not. But that is incredibly impressive that you did put yourself in a lot of danger. And most people are not doing that. They're afraid for themselves. They put themselves first. And that's why all these people were just watching because they knew like they could

get killed. You didn't do that, which I think it's so admirable. And of course, you're my person. I hear that. And I'm thinking what the cop is thinking. Like, oh my God, don't ever do that again. Don't ever stand behind a car of a crazy person. I can't, I'm honestly, I'm so grateful and truly a bit shocked they didn't just run you over. They're not in a headspace to be listening and rational.

Obviously they were to some extent, they went around to thank God. I think that in my head, it's like, we all should have formed that. Yes, yes. It's like if I go, let's all go. Then we're encircling them. Then it's like we're all protecting each other. And that's the failure there, which was like, if this would have been me. Yeah. Those guys.

They would have never let it happen. Yeah. I know. I don't think anyone is better than anyone else. I think that we all have lost our sense of collective thinking that someone else is going to handle something and that it's someone else's issue or job. And I've been in a situation where I haven't acted by the way, right? Like so many where I've been like, man, I wish I'd said this or man, I wish I'd done that. But it's just

like realizing like it is up to us. Like this is our like our society is people and that's you and that's me. And like, but anyway, it's also that Walgreens is a very problematic area where there's a lot of people who are struggling. A lot of the drugstores in L.A., it does seem to be a place of problems because I have been to that Walgreens. We went, actually. And yeah, every time you're walking through the parking lot, it doesn't feel safe. And then I switched to another pharmacy that then I heard, yes, somebody got shot. David's friend got punched in the face. So now I go to a different pharmacy. I'm just trying out all the pharmacy. Currently, I go to R&D Pharmacy. If you live in Los Angeles, it's a wonderful pharmacy. I'm just trying out. Currently, I go to R&D pharmacy. If you live in

Los Angeles, it's a wonderful pharmacy. A beautiful woman named Rosalyn owns it. Oh, wow. We used to have a beef and now we don't. What? What was your beef? She used to work at a different pharmacy that closed. That was a good one. And when I was assisting for Kristen, this was a long time ago, I don't remember the details. I just remember I couldn't get Kristen's medication.

And it was like really stressing me out because she had to have it. And so I think I took it out on Rosalyn, if I'm being honest. It's probably your fault. No, it was definitely my fault. But I think she was a little sassy back to me if I was being sassy, which she should be.

Of course she should be. Okay, got it. But we're best friends now. I love her. Oh, that's great. I feel like sometimes you need to go through something with someone and then you're close. Come out on the other side. Well, my pharmacy is next to that Walgreens. It's the CVS and the Target. The CVS is very good. And I will say, I don't know her name, but I want to give her a shout out. She's this incredible woman at the Target who like, I've like had meditations where i like sent her love like she has been because like a really compassionate pharmacist or anyone in any profession like every job is important it is you get to express love or not you can feel it on the other end and you really can they affect you they affect your whole day that taco truck right there is great too oh yeah Oh, yeah. I always see that, but I'm never gone. It's good.

Whoa. It's open all the time. Yeah. Well, I'm really sorry that happened to you. And obviously, I'm sorry that's happening all over the place in this world. It's so complicated. Like you said, she was protecting her abusers. And that's when she's most at risk, when she's leaving.

Which, again, the police officer did not seem to, it feels like that should be a part of training. And also definitely a security guard doesn't know that. Like we do expect a lot from people who aren't getting paid enough, trained enough, any of it. That security guard has definitely seen a lot. So let's send him some love too. Yeah. Yeah. Well, I'm impressed by you. I really am. I'm sure a lot of people are thinking this right now. Like what would I have done in that situation? And I'm not as good of a person. I'm really not. I don't think it's not that. I think that I think they don't know what to do. And I would just say like, draw attention to it. If it's a neighbor and you're hearing like

just bang on the door and be like, what are you doing? You know, we think like, oh, I have to call the cops and I have to like intervene by like confronting the man. And it's like, just draw attention to it. Are you sure? Maybe not. You're right. Maybe. And I mean, really, because then I think what happens or my fear is the abuser gets overridden with like shame and guilt and then takes it out again on the person. That's 100% what I think happened to this woman after they broke off. Yeah, exactly. Which is why I was so, and I agree with you. I'm not an expert. We're not experts on this. Clearly from the very beginning of this episode, million things are not scientifically proven, but between doing nothing and doing something, do something. I think that's an important thing to remind people of. Or maybe a thing could have

been to take the driver's license. I did that. And even that, like that's doing something. And again, everyone has a part. Everyone has a role. I would just love for people not to like overthink the thing that they think that they should do. Because there's all these studies, right? Kitty Genovese, I think is her name.

It's like an academic study from the 1980s for this phenomenon of why crowds don't act. Like everyone thinks someone else is going to do something. And so this woman, Kitty, was screaming and got, and this isn't a study, this happened. She got murdered in plain sight in the street and all these neighbors had watched and no one did anything. 38 bystanders watched passively. And there's these studies even with people's own safety where there's a group in a room and they start putting smoke under the door. And if there's one person in the room, they start, they get up and they're like, there's a fire. If there's more than one person in a room, people don't act. They take longer to react.

Because they, yes. I mean, I get the psychology. Part of it is like, it must not be that big of a deal if nobody else is saying anything. So it's not like that people are bad. But in order to overcome this, I think we do have to be deliberate. I just think we do need to maybe do a little research. Because actually, we had someone on Armchair Anonymous who saw a guy pushing a woman in the street or something. And she was driving. And then she turned around.

She found them. And she was like, hey, you can't do that to her. And she said to the woman, like, you're better than that. You should leave. She like stood up for this woman and she was saying like nobody else was saying anything or stopping or doing anything. And then she told some police

officers. She was a waitress and the cops came in that were regulars. Yes. And she told them and they said, yeah, don't do that again. Like don't ever go back and find the people other than like maybe getting their license plate or something like that. Then the cops got a domestic abuse call. They went and the woman said, last week, this woman told me I'm better than this. And so I'm leaving. Wow. Yeah. It's crazy. When I look back at this situation, what I wish I would have done is stop trying to get the guy to stop, but look at the woman and connect with the woman, which I tried. But the

911 call is when I missed all of that interaction where he was like asking her to get out of the car. when I missed all of that interaction where he was like asking her to get out of the car. Again, let me help you is weird and savory, but to create a safe space for her to know that like there's another option, I'm here like to help you with that option. Because these two dudes in the car, this dude with the gun who might shoot your boyfriend or, you know, saying like, get out of the car. Like, of course she didn't get out of the car. And so that, I love that. That's so powerful. It is. And it's hearing stories like that, I think is really important.

But then I wonder how many times it does go the other way when people intervene. I think we, it's worth us doing some investigation on this and talking about it again. Regardless, you did an amazing thing and I am really impressed. you did an amazing thing and I am really impressed. We are supported by Daily Harvest. Daily Harvest has such a wide range of products,

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Yeah, let's do it. Okay, let's see. This is relevant. How to cope with all of my friends having children except for me. Oh my God, we were just talking about this. This is from Kay. Hi, Monica and Liz. My two best friends are becoming moms. One became a mom in 2022,

and the other is expecting her first baby in a few months. I'm, of course, so happy for them because they've always wanted to be parents, but there's a part of me that resents it. In parentheses, oh my God, that sounds so bad. My husband and I have chosen to be child-free because we enjoy our freedom, and neither one of us have maternal-paternal instincts. What I'm struggling with the most is I feel like their lives and schedules are prioritized over mine just because I don't have kids. Dinners have to be at 5 p.m. 90% of conversations are baby related and our get togethers parties are not nearly as fun as they used to be. We're only in our late 20s, early 30s, and I know people want different things, but I can't help but feel like we're acting like a group of friends in their

60s. I love these friends dearly and would never abandon them or jeopardize our friendship, but it's hard to adjust to this. I hope I don't sound like a terrible friend. Any advice is so appreciated. Love you too. You don't sound like a terrible friend. You do not. Anyone in this position, including me and including you, I think, and not to speak for you,iences and feel this. I am literally in it as of a couple days ago. I mean, I have so many friends with kids and stuff, but my closest, closest of all time just had her first baby. It's so exciting. What's fascinating is the mix of emotions and the fact that you can feel two extremely different things at the exact same time of just so much pride and happiness and love and warmth and sadness. It's all at the same time. And I think getting comfortable with the idea that those

things can all exist. And it doesn't mean you're a bad friend because you have sadness. And it doesn't mean you're not aware because you're happy. It's just human because you are losing something. I mean, that's the truth. Yes. Even if you're being told you're not or your friends are making a lot of efforts in order to preserve those one-on-ones or that kind of friendship, like you're right. And just saying that, I feel like people don't admit it. Yes. On both sides. Yes. Right. That we don't have to dance around it or pretend like everything's going to be the same. It won't. And that's okay.

You can adjust with the proper expectation that things are going to shift and you will have to have dinner at 5 p.m. And you will have to spend a lot of time talking about that child because that's the phase they're in. And you just have to be aware it'll change and not wish for something different because you're not going to get something different, at least for 18 years. Yeah. I feel like after a while, there's a point where they don't want to talk about their

kid. Yeah, totally. Where they want to reclaim. They don't want to, but they end up doing it. I mean, look, it's just the reality that all of a sudden in one moment, there is a being far more important than your friendship. There's no getting around it. As much as your friend loves you and values the friendship and puts it at its like highest

form and level, a person's baby is more important than anything. It's more. It's what we started with at the beginning of this. My dad's picking me over his wife. I love that we gave him that. Well, it's true. It's true though. It's true. And that is what happens. The child becomes the most important. It has to. It's not like they're making a choice. That child is more important than them.

Exactly. Right? Your dad would pick you over him. Oh, a million times. And by the way, like kids is one thing, obviously, that's huge. But a friend getting her dream job or moving to a new city, getting married. Right. Like it happened to me with my best friend and like her moving in with her boyfriend. We don't even live in the same city. She lives in Montreal. And like I felt this difference where when I come into town, what I want and how I'm feeling and what I need is not going to be the priority. It's actually her boyfriend and their living situation and what

works for them. And that was a huge shift. And I think emotional maturity is being able to feel two things at the same time. Yeah. Right. And it's something I'm just learning. Acknowledging all of those parts will probably make this transition a lot easier. And it doesn't make you selfish. This is your life. You're living your life. And when things shift around you, it is hard. Change is really hard, and especially in the most loving friendships and relationships.

Yeah. But it doesn't mean they're gone, but it's gonna change. A practical piece of advice, maybe, even though this is hard to do, is to invite some other single people or couples that don't have kids into your life. So if you want to like stay out super late and know that's not an option with your friends with kids, you can still do it with other people.

This phrase sounds problematic because it sounds like you're using them, but different people can serve different purposes in your life. And you can't expect one person to be all the things or two people to be all the things. This can be a friend that you can vent to. Maybe another friend is not capable of hearing you vent, but it's fun. That's life. You can't expect everything from everyone. And them not to change, right? Like even again, someone may not even have kids, but becomes for whatever reason, less available or available in a different way. And accepting that is a huge part. And also, even if you've decided you don't want to have kids, I think there's still a part that's like, should I be having kids? Is this better than what I'm doing?

And it's remembering they probably are envious of you. Everyone's jealous of each other. Exactly. And I think I'm often do this where I'm like, I put everyone on a weird, it's not even a pedestal. I don't know what that is where you like assume everyone's fine. And no, like they are struggling with all these different things and you're struggling with a bunch of different things and no one's life is better or worse, right? Based on this decision that's so personal, different for every person. Yeah. It's so personal and different for every person. Yeah.

Okay. Oh, this is interesting. I want to challenge the old phrase, quote, money doesn't buy happiness. This is from Meg. Hi, M&L. I'm a longtime listener and I'm so into the good thing you two have going. I'd love to hear your take, if you're willing, on money. I don't know why I cringe typing that sentence.

I have this idea in my head that more money will equal more freedom, less stress, and consequently more happiness. I'm definitely not willing to sell out for a job that I don't enjoy, but I'm in a place where I could put the pedal to the metal and pursue a higher paycheck over the next decade. For context, I make $90,000 right now, and I'd love to make double that one day. But here's the thing. When I switched from teaching public school to working in the tech industry, my salary pretty much doubled from 45 to 90. And yet, for some reason, I feel like I have the same amount of money as before. I guess I'm just buying nicer shit and getting used to it. What are your thoughts on this? Is there a certain range of income that actually feels life-changing? I know there's much more to a happy life than

money, but can it help? And at what cost should I pursue it? This is an incredible question, Meg. So good. I mean, look, the truth is money does buy safety. There is no getting around it, but it's the classic thing. It tapers off. And the hard thing is I don't think you can tell people the number that makes you safe or not. And the hard thing is, I don't think you can tell people the number that makes you safe or not. Because I also don't know where she lives. I don't know her living situation. I don't know any of that.

But when you go from being worried about making rent or paying your bills to not being worried about that anymore, yes, that's a life-changing amount of money. After that, it does hit a plateau where, yeah, I'm on net-a-porter, just buying stuff. It feels good for a second. And then, yes, you get over it. You want something else. You need the new shiny thing. It's a dopamine hit, buying stuff. So both are true in that money's real. I don't think you should feel guilty for saying you

want it and you want to be able to live comfortably. And also sacrificing your mental health for it is not worth it, is my opinion. What do you think? Oh, my God. I have so many thoughts. For my graduate program, I ended up doing research and happiness studies. So I went on a deep dive on a lot of stuff around that. And there is a study. I would love for you to Google it because it's been 10 years. But there's a number. I think it's 150,000. Yes, we've talked about it on this show. It fluctuates though, year to year. But I think the core takeaway from that study is that yes, there's a certain level to which money does buy you happiness, but money has diminishing returns. So to your point, you hit a plateau at a certain amount where more money will not make you as happy as that extra dollar made you happier prior to that point.

In 2010, Daniel Kahneman. Kahneman, we've had him on. Yeah, it was $75,000. $75,000. Yeah, that's definitely changed now. Well, right. That it plateaus there, even if your income increases. Yes. So to your point, it's all relative and different. But I experienced this where I was on salary at Vox. I wasn't worried about my next paycheck or like how I would afford things. And being a freelancer, like suddenly this became something I had to think about. And I thought about it a hundred times a day.

It became all consuming. you nearly never think about it. And when you don't have enough money, you think about it all the fucking time. I think it does buy happiness. And there was this whole theory of the miserable millionaire versus the happy peasant, which also is a theory from like the 2010s. Again, a lot of these studies, people really loved at the time, but then realized there's flaws in these studies.

We all know super rich people that are very unhappy. We also know a bunch of people who probably don't have enough, but are extremely happy. But I think that ultimately, if you were to give that person the money that they needed in order to live their life, they would be exponentially happier. Well, I know, but that's, I guess, two separate things. One is you don't have enough to make ends meet to feel like safe and secure. A question is if you do have enough versus you have so much. I've seen money in excess cause so many problems, so many interpersonal problems.

It will amplify whatever is wrong in your life. Oprah says this about fame and money, but it also changes relationships. It does. If you have a lot of money, we talked about it on a previous episode, we were talking about splitting bills and sharing a place and stuff. It can change the dynamic significantly. It can. It does not always, but the chances are much higher. And it even happens within families. Of course. That's supposed to be your safest place. Oh, no. You would think having money would just be great because then you share it with everyone and everything. It's not how it works. People start resenting you. People expect things from you that they wouldn't normally. I mean, it does have a negative impact once you hit a certain

level. And I think it's okay to like have a career goal, have a monetary goal. Also get there and see how you feel. If you feel like shit, it's worth reevaluating. Right. And also the price of money. There's a cost to making more money. I think this is what you're talking about in terms of changing relationships. I'm doing a documentary right now and a part of it is examining sort of the role of wealth and privilege and interviewing kids who come from a lot of privilege. And they will tell you, like, I love them to death. They did all this for me, but I never saw my parents. Right. And my parents worked all of the time. Can I give one piece of advice? Because I come from a sort of immigrant mentality. It was like we were on the

verge of poverty all the time. We were middle class and we were fine, but there was nothing ever bought out of excess. And actually, sometimes it was like, can we buy Ziploc bags? Right. No, we have to reuse and rewash the ones that we got for free. Like that is not commensurate with the comfort level of my parents' salaries. But I will say that if you want money to also not change you and to her point that she's just now spending more money, so she's working harder potentially, but she's not actually enjoying more money because she's spending it more. Like one of the biggest core tenants is spend the same way, no matter how much money you make. And this is something I think I have been pretty consistent at. Even when I had my cool salary at Vox, my apartment was a red stabilized, like six,

four walk up. Like it was great. I loved it. I lived in a one bedroom in the East Village, but it was nothing fancy. That was why actually I really enjoyed my life because I did enjoy that newfound sense of safety and security of knowing that I had money and knowing that I could spend it, but I wasn't like blowing it off. So there's that element, which someone told me a while ago, it was actually my best friend's brother, Cad, who is so good with money. And that's his rule. He just always lives according to the same means, even if his salary increases. And I thought that was like an interesting way to do it. That is interesting. I definitely don't do that. Don't do that. No, I don't. And I will say, even when I worked at SoulCycle and made $13 an hour, I mean, I had no money.

I did still do stuff. In some ways, I like, how did I do that? I don't even know, but I still spent money. Yeah. So I guess I've just always spent money. Yeah. You're really good at it. I am. And I feel that I have to make this caveat every time I've never spent more than I have. Yes. Well, that's huge. I mean, this is interesting what you said, though, because I agree and I don't here in L.A., let's say I could just live in my apartment forever and that would be fine. But I invested in a home because I think ultimately that's a better financial decision. But that home is a financial burden. If I didn't have that, I would feel fine.

And I don't. And it's because of that piece. But doesn't that prove the theory? Yeah, but ultimately, I think that's the right move. I guess it's like, what does right mean? In this case, the right move is put money in here so that ultimately you can sell it for more money. Yes, for sure.

And I think it's so great what you're doing. But I will say I never felt richer than when I lived. This was previous to Vox. I worked at this media company called Mike. Breakup. Had to find a place on Craigslist at the last minute. Moved in with this 60-year-old lady in the East Village and rented a room with her nine animals. And yeah, I'm allergic. It was a big leap. And I was like, I'm going to just going to do this for a month. I did it for nine. I ended up being very much into that lifestyle of having a six-year-old roommate. Basically, I became suddenly rich overnight because my rent was $600. And so suddenly I was like, I don't have rent. $600 in New York is nothing. Half of my stuff was in storage. I couldn't even fit in the room. Two people couldn't stand in the room. I also couldn't shower there

because there was like cat litter in the bathroom and stuff like that. So I would shower at Equinox. I had this super cool gym membership. I would get to Equinox. I'd be like, oh, I don't have gym clothes. I'll just buy gym clothes. I take Ubers everywhere. Like I was living up my life because I felt so rich. It can also because you couldn't go home. I mean, for me, that's like the opposite mentality of what I have. I'm describing what you would be described if you stayed in your apartment forever, which again is totally different. But that's how I felt where I was like, I'm set. I make a million dollars. My salary, because I don't have to pay rent, I only have disposable income. And again, I was like 29 or whatever. Right. I mean, maybe that's of an age,

maybe. I don't think you can sustain not having people over. I mean, that is one thing I want to add to this because, you know, she's saying she bought stuff and it kind of feels the same. I really do get that. But if you buy experiences, it is different. Yes. You do feel it. And those are the things you take with you. Don't take I mean, I can't believe I'm saying this, but the row pants is not probably going to be what I'm thinking about. I don't know for sure, but it's probably not going to be what I'm thinking about on my deathbed. I don't think so.

But the trips with the people you love and doing that comfortably, when you go on the trips, you can go to dinners. Those things, you feel it. Yes. and that's backed up by data too by the way if you want to be happy spend not on things but experiences yeah it's not about the row pants it's about who you buy the row pants with that's right or who you grab yes which is me which is you which is definitely many times yes it's true i think this was interesting because i don't know that we did a good job here.

Yeah. But we gave our two cents. We talked about money. I feel like people don't talk about money. Yes. Like just talking about it feels good to me. It does. Right?

Because everyone feels uncomfortable about it. It does. That's why this question's fantastic. It's great. I love all the questions today. Oh, my God. Our questions have been so good. What time are we at?

We're at 1.10. Wait, don't we have that meeting? Oh, but did you get my email? I moved it because I have to the questions today. Oh my God. Our questions have been so good. What time are we at? We're at 1.10. Wait, don't we have that meeting? Oh, but did you get my email? I moved it because I have to meet the baby. But now the baby might be coming home. Oh my gosh. You're going to meet auntie. I mean, you already are, I guess.

Do you feel like you're about to unlock a new identity? That's a good question. I do feel like when I got the picture, I felt really tingly, like really excited to help spoil the baby and be there for the baby. I am excited for that piece, but it doesn't feel like a new role for me in general because I do have all these kids in my life. So it doesn't feel like, oh, this is the first time I'm going to be around a baby. But it does feel exciting for there to be a new person I get to love. That's exciting. We only did two questions, but they were good.

So I kind of feel like we're done for the day. And those were great. God, I'm so impressed by these questions. Thank you guys so much. If you want to submit, you can go to the Armchair Expert website, which is armchairexpertpod.com and you can send us a little question. Yeah, we love it. And the more details, the better. We like deets. And like specific situations. Yes. It can be like, you're like, this is way too intricate. Give it to us. We love it. Yes. We're going to end on me

and you're not going to fight it. We're just going just gonna end here because I edit so I'll just end it proud of you oh god cutting that really really and I know all the listeners are too

and they probably feel inadequate now no but that's not what I want I know you don't no and no one should everyone on their own path you know

it's again it's a psychological phenomena you're going against something and so it's normal that it's hard. Contrary action. Yes. Yeah.

Something to think about. All right. Well, I love you. I'll see you next week. I love you.