Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Future Surf

Episode Date: October 25, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Monica introduces Liz to the term 'future surfing', they talk about how friendships have evolved post-pandemic, and they evaluate their relationships to social media. They answer questions from the Synced Squad on how to explore one's sexuality while in a relationship, addressing a suspected domestic abuse situation with a co-worker, and the pros and cons of obsessing over celebrity relationships.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How are you this morning? I'm good. I'm good. How are you? I'm good. Why'd you laugh? I don't know because it's almost like my mind went blank. Oh, I thought you were like saying you weren't good.

No, I feel good. I like meditated this morning. I successfully meditated. And what does that mean? It means I don't roll my eyes on the inside. Yeah, while my eyes are closed on the outside. I see. I'm doing this meditation that someone recommended.

People who meditate without anything on the background, like without a guided meditation to me are monks. But she, yeah, sent me this guided meditation. And what came up for me was like, I romanticize the past so much and I need to romanticize the future and trust that the future is just, is going to be okay, if not better than the past. I feel like I live in the past so much.

That's so interesting. I've been having like so many dreams about like past people in my life. There's a fear, I think, of letting go of like, do you feel like you are a nostalgic person? I am, but I'm less and less so. How have you found out a way to do that? less and less so the longer I get. How have you found out a way to do that? I think because I know that everything is so fleeting and this is going to end,

that I just need to live in it and be okay here. I mean, I think what most people do, which is a problem, which I also definitely used to do, was like future surf. What's future surf? Living for the future, basically. Like, when I get this, I'll be happy then, or I need this to feel happy. And so I have to aim, you know, it's all about what you don't have and what you might have in the future as opposed to what you currently have and who you currently have in your life. And so I think I've got much better about that. In fact, sometimes the future now scares me. Like the present feels really comfortable. Oh.

But even with armchair and stuff, sometimes I think, well, at some point that will end. And then what will I be doing or what will I have? You know, and that is scary. And so I just try not to. I'm just like, I just live now. Something will happen and I'll know it then. And that's that. Yeah.

But as far as looking in the past, no, not really. Wait, also, I was thinking this morning, it's October. What's that mean? Weren't you supposed to have a very important meeting? Oh, yeah, I was, but I have had an egg retrieval. Okay. Remember that? But have you guys been talking?

We've texted some, and I've said, like, I need to wait to hang out until I'm done with this. And I am now done with it. I'm feeling better and better each day. I definitely still feel super distended. I don't even think I know what that means. What is distended? Distended is like when your abdomen is swollen and it's like out. Oh, okay. So I don't feel good. And now I'm also going out of town. I'll see him when I'm back. I have a couple things lined up. You have

almost a roster of first dates. I wouldn't call it a roster, but there's a couple. Do you want to talk through them? No. I mean, there's nothing to talk. I don't feel like anxious or anything. No, not talk through it, but like, who are you excited about? Who are the contestants vying for your heart? No, that's so extreme. No, I mean, the guy who left the voice memo is the person you're talking about. And then a friend has set up another date. And same situation where I was like, hey, I really want to hang. FYI, I'm about to go through an egg retrieval.

Super sexy. But when I'm done, we'll have to hang out. He did say that, which I thought was cool. It is. Well, he was like, the honesty is sexy. But he's like, yeah, when you're back to normal. And who is he? What's his story?

Well, I'm not going to say his name. Okay. Well, I'm not. I didn't ask for his name. A friend has set me up with her friend. Okay. And you don't know anything about him? Is it like a blind date?

I know via my friend. She really likes this person. It's someone in her life who is recently single and she really thinks this person's awesome and made a connect. Was he married? No. Okay, cool. Yeah. So we'll see. When I get back from the trip, I'll make these calls. You're going to have like Halloween dates because it's going to be right around Halloween. That could be fun. You know, I like Halloween dates because it's going to be right around Halloween. That could be fun. You know.

I like Halloween dates. Dress up. Oh, I'm probably not going to dress up for a first date in Halloween costume. Why not? That's not really my thing. I think I'll probably come as I am. But it's a fun vibe. It is a fun vibe. Maybe like a hayride.

Oh, I like that. That'd be fun. That's a fun activity. Around Halloween, it's just festive. I like also Christmas days, you know? Those are fun too, full of promise and possibility. But you're right. It's just there's more activities. There's just stuff. Apple picking. Apple bobbing. I don't know that in 2023 people are apple bobbing anymore. That's, I mean, post COVID. Can you imagine you put your mouth in that water then somebody else puts their, no. I'm actually, yeah. Shock that we did it. Ever did it. Ew. I don't know that I've ever done it except maybe when I was like really young at like a friend's party or something. really young at like a friend's party or something. But my mom is pretty germaphobic in general before COVID. I don't think that was something she was taking me to.

Okay. One of the things that makes me feel like I would never be able to be a mom is the fact that they get sick all the time. You realize like you're sick and then sometimes very often they're sick. Oh, yeah. They give it to you. They give it to you and then you can't really be that sick. You just have to take care of it. Exactly. I know.

It's hardcore. It is, but I do think something physiological happens that allows you to be able to do it. It's not the same as us now when we're sick thinking like, oh, God, I would have to be caring for someone right now. Like something I think happens. Right. Something kicks in. Yeah.

I mean, a lot of things like we've talked about this or like Dax says this of like there's something that you care about more than yourself. And that can feel impossible until the moment is there. But then when it's there, it can be actually like, again, like with the shots that you were responsible for my shots to made them less painful. Yeah, I don't think that is what it was. It was the adrenaline. Yeah, we had so much adrenaline that I did not have this time around. But it's it's already in the rearview mirror. How crazy. That's exciting. It is. Yeah. But you feeling like you want to live in the future, do you think maybe you should adjust to just like living in the present? Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the future is what I was just saying. Future surfing is not healthy. You're not living your life. You're hoping for a life. I think that uncertainty really scares me. But it's not just uncertainty. I think I don't realize how my brain will immediately index to like negative things happening in the future. So I think what I would like is to notice what I'm doing because that's I think why I deviate to the past. I think why I deviate to the past and with relationships, I'd say of like, instead of being like, oh, that thing didn't work out. I'll like really question myself over it and be like, maybe I did something wrong or maybe I, because in a way, something that I already know is safer

than what the future holds, which I don't know. And if my mind goes to negative things, then what I know that's bad is better than what I don't know that's if my mind goes to negative things, then what I know that's bad is better than what I don't know that's worse. But that's not a real equation. And when that happens, I try and remind myself of the times that I didn't know what was going to happen in the future, what actually unfolded, and the beautiful things that unfolded and the amazing things that happened. And why would this time be different? Yeah, I think providing yourself with the evidence. I mean, your life has gotten progressively better. Yes. So there's only evidence to show that it will continue to be that way. Right. But also it's sort of an, I'm not placing this on you, but it's sort of an

addict-y mentality of like, I know what result I'm going to get with this action. Even though that result is bad, it's better than not knowing. So that's problematic, right? Like the reason those relationships ended were because they weren't healthy or serving you or whatever, a million reasons that you don't want. Yeah. The familiar, like I like familiar things. This is such a dumb example, but I will prefer to watch something I've already watched. Oh, that's so me. And then there's 10 million things I like do want to watch or need to watch. And I will revert back to, well, I'll just rewatch this thing because I know how it's going to make me feel. Totally.

And I prefer that than playing the lottery of like, this might make me feel better than this episode I've already seen a million times, but it might also make me feel worse. And I think we're all, well, I don't know if we're all, but I definitely feel like I wasn't this clingy around familiar patterns and habits before the pandemic. I mean, I'd already had those tendencies, but I think there's so much that's unfamiliar and uncertain that's not good, right? Like, there are so many beautiful things that have happened in the last three years. There's a lot of also horrible things that I think we couldn't even have possibly imagined. I was reading this thing about people are talking about friendships being weird, like, in the last few years.

Oh, from the pandemic? I didn't, I don't have Apple or whatever. So I saw the headline and I started reading the article, but I was like, yes, we've talked about it with dating, but with friendships, sort of how hard it is. Even if you have friends, right? There's a loneliness crisis. We know that more and more people have less and less close friends

and see them less frequently. But it seems hard. Even meeting up with friends, like it's like a whole thing. People cancel or like they kind of want you to cancel. You know, all those memes of like when someone cancels, you're actually happy. Yeah. And then I've certainly been in that situation where it kind of happened to me last night where we were supposed to do something and then I was excited at the beginning of the day and then in the middle of the day, I was like, oh, I'm really tired and I'm not feeling

great and I have my period. And then it kind of canceled and I was happy. I was making my little dinner. I was like, oh, cool. I have a night in. And then an hour into my little night alone, I was like, I'm kind of wish I was with friends. It's this, you know, I want to be alone. I want to be surrounded. This kind of paradox all the time. Yeah. And like friendship to me used to just be more simple. And now it's like going out and being around people is like this whole thing. Or we feel like it needs to be this whole thing.

I don't know. Am I making any sense? Like I feel like you're really good at this, by the way. I feel like you just hang out with people and you have so many close friends. Like you are kind of living the life of a sitcom, like friends or tears. But most people aren't. And I feel this from my friends too, that they have to be in the perfect mood in order to meet up with me. And if they're going through something, they kind of isolate, you know, or they go, I'm just not feeling well.

Like maybe let's do another time. And I sense myself doing that too. feeling well, like maybe let's do another time. And I sense myself doing that too. And I'm like, wait, shouldn't I be exactly meeting up with you if things are not, you know? I know what you mean. And I think it depends. I see the scenario as COVID perhaps taught us that we could be solitary. That we didn't have to fill our social calendar five days a week, because that, depending on the person, can be very depleting. So for me, I actually think saying, I just kind of want to be solo tonight and order in and watch TV and be in my bed is actually healthy. Look, if it's every day and you're never seeing anyone and you're,

that's something to evaluate. That feels more like isolation. But just knowing yourself and knowing like, today I don't really want to be social. And then maybe tomorrow I do. That's okay. Sure. Oh my God. Yes. I think in healthy relationships, whether that's romantic friendship or whatever, in strong relationships, no one takes that personally. It's just like, yeah, well, sure. Because that'll be me next week. There'll be a day that I need to cancel. I do that all the time to people. And I have a lot of very close friendships. I am so lucky. But I don't really have anyone in my life who I consider very deeply close who, if I said, I'm exhausted, I just can't do it today, that they would care. Yeah.

No one would care. Or I know no one would take it personally because And because that's part of it, right? You don't want to like let the other person down. But sometimes you have to prioritize whatever your need is. I also think, I mean, the older you get, the harder it can be because of family. People have kids and people are married. And so planning can get harder. And especially young, Planning can get harder. And especially young, when it's like young kids, it is hard. But do you think when you're sitting there and you're like,

I'm happy that I get to just chill. And then later you're like, oh, I wish I was with other people. Do you think if you had gone out, you would have been happy? Or do you think in the middle or at the end of that, you'd be like, I wish I had just sort of recharged. To me, it's coming back to what we were just talking about, which is it's like the lottery. I might have a good time and feel super recharged or I might feel the opposite and feel depleted, you know? Yeah, for sure. I mean, this sounds bad, but like sometimes I'm afraid if I'm in, yeah, not in the best optimal mood, whatever the hell that means, that like someone will say something and it'll really affect me and I'll be in a bad place after. Like, I know this sounds

pretty nuts, but I really don't think I'm alone in this. When we talk about the crisis in dating and like, and this too, right, with friendships, I don't think it's really about friendships, right? It's not about necessarily even the other person. I think it's about us and about how we feel and this sort of, yeah, just, I don't know how hard it is to just kind of be alive right now, despite it being a miracle, you know, and the gratitude that I'm sure we all have from watching the news and feeling guilty that we do get to lead the lives that we do. And I'm not erasing any of that, but I just think back at like 2015 or like 2014, I'm like, that was such a

different vibe. And yeah, you kind of don't know, even right now with everything that's going on, I guess we can, I mean, it'll come out later, but I don't know how to approach people. I don't know if they're upset. You know, I was just talking about a work thing with someone and I just checked in. Yeah, I was just like, hey, did we get an update on this thing? And it's like, well, you know, all these women are being raped. And I was like, oh my God, I, you know, I should have approached it differently. But you shouldn't take that on. There's a ton going on. It's fucking awful.

It's sad. But this lashing out at other people is a huge problem. And you can have compassion for it and say like, oh, like I know maybe that person is just going through a lot. But you can't take on that feeling because that's crazy what that person did. And they're living in a heightened place. So that's why it happened. But you allowing yourself to feel it is on you. Like you have to say, that's really not about me. And like I asked a work question, which I'm allowed to ask. Do you feel like you're good at not taking on people's energy?

which I'm allowed to ask. Do you feel like you're good at not taking on people's energy? Like, I feel like that is part of it where that's been my work for the past a lot of years. That's the whole work is exactly that. Like, that is not mine. And it's hard. It is not as easy as I'm saying. Like, it seeps in, but you have to actively remind yourself. Like, I actually, I do this visualization often where I imagine, like, this really treacherous, muddy area. And there's, like, this river, okay? And, like, next to it is all this mud. It's dangerous. And whoever I'm with, whoever this person is who I'm trying to not take on their emotions, we're together in this sludge, right? They have their hands on my legs trying desperately to pull me into this river. And it's easy to go. It's slippery. It's sludgy.

It'd be so easy. And I am holding on to the tree next to me. I am holding on for my life that I will not, I will not be dragged into that sludgy river. I'm not going. You can go, but not with me. And I imagine that a lot when things like this come up, when I'm in complicated relationships

or complicated conversations or whatever when I'm in complicated relationships or complicated conversations or whatever, I'm not going. I know you're going to try. And it's not for me to try to stop you from pulling. You can pull, but I'm not going. And it's active. It can get exhausting because it requires a lot of energy. But you can't let all these other people have that kind of impact. Like we live in this world where people have the ability to scream and yell and abuse you, you know, especially on social media. And it's up to you whether you take it. social media. And it's up to you whether you take it. I mean, I've been really, the past couple of days, really contemplating getting off of Instagram. Wow. I have not been on it. I've used it to read things and not posting. I'm not even, you know. And I was like, oh my God, I have so much time and capacity for so many other things.

And this all sounds obvious, but I didn't realize how much, it's its own place. It's like a place you go to. And if you're there, you're not here. And you don't even realize you're not here when you're there. It's different from being here because you're physically, right? There's a presence and there it's a distraction. Even just me looking at it, even me reading all the stuff and seeing the turmoil and the fights and the toxicity, I'm not helping anything by looking at all of this. This isn't good at all. And I don't know, it's just felt so stark in the past couple of days of how bad it's gotten

and people's access to each other. And even, I mean, speaking of the loneliness epidemic, we had the Surgeon General on armchair and he was saying this division we have makes us so susceptible to foreign adversaries because they really use these platforms to help divide. And we're so like, we're just like kindling, like we're so susceptible. And, you know, I'm looking at some of these posts and looking at the comments and I was like, some of these are probably not even real. They're someone in another country who wants this country to be super divided. And we don't even know what's real. And people are acting on it and getting so angry and so hateful. And it just feels like this is a bad place. Like I'm sitting with it because, of course, it feels important to work. And then I

wonder if I'm just justifying it because of that. And I probably am. So I don't know. I'm just deciding right now because I think it's gotten really out of hand. Yeah. Synced is supported by HelloFresh. With HelloFresh, you get farm-fresh, pre-portioned ingredients, and seasonal recipes delivered right to your doorstep. Now, we've actually had a few questions about hosting parties and what to make, and it can get very overwhelming. HelloFresh is actually a great tool at your disposal because they're intricate meals, but they are easy for

you and don't take that much time. It's a good hack. I recently made these buffalo cauliflower tacos. So good. It had this tangy sort of sweet slaw and you know, it's like a veggie instead of a protein, which is always nice to mix in. It was, it was so good. They have also a bunch of vegetarian proteins, like their tofu bowls or the Middle Eastern chickpea bowl is so good. It has like spice basmati rice in it and the sauce. It's like a garlicky sauce. It's incredible. Go to hellofresh.com slash 50 synced and use code 50 synced for 50% off plus free shipping. That's hellofresh.com slash 50 synced and use code 50 synced for 50% off plus free shipping. HelloFresh, America's number one meal kit.

We are supported by Skims. Oh, we love Skims. Skims is creating the next generation of underwear for everybody. The Skims bra, it's actually the only bra I can wear at this point. And so whenever I do have to wear a bra, I wear my Skims bra. And even when they sent it, I was like, I don't think this is going to, you know, I don't like bras. How do they make bras that are comfortable? I don't understand. They are. And it's also the material's really soft, which I think makes the t-shirt, like I have a couple of their t-shirt bras and you need your t-shirt bra to be comfortable and soft. And it really, really, really is. The Fits Everybody collection of underwear is super lightweight and molds to your body.

The buttery soft fabric stretches to twice its size without ever losing shape, meaning that you'll get a perfect fit every time. It's available in sizes XXS to 4X. Believe the hype. Skims has over 100,000 five-star reviews for a reason. The Fits Everybody collection and more perfect

essentials are available now at skims.com. Plus, get pre-shipping on orders over $75. After you place your order, be sure to let them know we sent you. Select podcast in the survey and be sure to select our show in the dropdown menu that follows. And if you missed the big news, Skims reinvented underwear for women and they are now doing it for men. Also available an ad for. Yeah. I don't know. It's just like, okay. On a big, you know, in Brooklyn, they have those big kind of brick wall, like big, big advertisements. And they're kind of usually pretty, honestly. Like they're very artistic. And I've seen these painters like work on it.

But the one for Instagram was to keep your close friends even closer. Like something. Oh. But it was playing to this close friends thing that people have been doing it, you know, the green circle. Okay. So when you're in someone's close friends, their little face avatar is surrounded instead of a pink or purple circle, it's a green circle. On Instagram? Yeah. You don't know. It's like a whole meme where you're like, I'm in your close friends. I've been so flattered by some of the people that made me, I'm like, oh my God, I'm in this person's close friends. And so it's a story that only their close friends,

it can be a list of, you know, up to whatever. I mean, dozens of people. You label it, like you name it. You choose, yes. And so I actually, I was looking at the ad and it seemed to play to the idea of not broadcasting things to everybody. I think that's so toxic. Oh, okay. Like, even what you just said of like, I feel so flattered to be in someone's close friend. Like, I'm not flattered to be in anyone's close friends of someone who I'm actually close friends with. That's just an obvious.

So then it becomes this hierarchy of whose approval have I gotten? I mean, I hope, please, that you wouldn't be flattered if I said you were my close friend because we are. It's only flattering if it's like, oh, wow, this person picked me to be in their close friends. And that is bad. Well, that's not even true or real. The real meme is also that sometimes you're like, I'm in your close friend. Like, sometimes it's also, I'm not that close to you. It can be kind of this thing where they're not in your close friends, but you're in their close friends anyway.

I just, I don't know. I mean, those dynamics, you know. Feels like the addict's about to fall down. Oh my God, there's a literal jackhammer. Anyway, social media, social media. The thing with TikTok and these other platforms, and Instagram's moving in this direction too, where you're seeing less and less things from people that you actually know. Yes. What is going on? I've been noticing that too. I'm like, I haven't seen a post of someone I know in like four scrolls. Yeah. Because they're trying to imitate TikTok, right? Where on TikTok, I see hardly anything. It's a feed where the

highest things that go in the algorithm end up on my feed that fit my very specific algorithm that they've been studying for, you know, years. So Instagram is trying to compete, right? They're all trying to compete. It's all just a race to the bottom, right? It is. But yeah, there's all those elements. And I think there was, particularly in 2016, you know, after all of the scandals around the election and the way that Facebook was stealing data and, you know, just there was a real turn away, I think, from some of those social media platforms. But I still think people persisted nevertheless. But yeah, I'm curious to see how this will, you know,

yeah, sort of the behavior. I mean, I think that we are lucky to have known a time before social media. Like at least it's possible for me to get off. Like, I know a life without it. But I imagine these young people who don't even know a life without it, how could they possibly ever get off of that? That's their whole life. They're all their validation, their work, everything.

I mean, they've been put in this horrible position to be, like, attached to this very toxic thing. Yeah. Oh, it's scary. Anywho, on that note, on that note, let's do some questions. Let's really get into it. Oh, let's answer this one because I think it's because of last week there was a question. Oh, okay. For you. And maybe I can chime in. How do I tell my straight male partner I've been having thoughts about wanting to have a sexual experience with a woman, but that I also don't want our relationship to end? Hi, ladies. I adore listening to you two every Wednesday. It's one of the highlights of my week. After hearing Liz talk about her sexuality in a previous episode, I thought this would be a safe space for me to share and get advice. So I've been dating my

straight male partner for over six years, and I feel like we're in such a great spot in our relationship. For probably half the time, I've known I'm attracted to women, but I've never acted on those feelings because we're monogamous. Only a few people in my life know this about me. My partner knows I'm attracted to women and has told me before he would be open to letting me explore that. At the same time, I don't know if he would actually be comfortable with that as trust and commitment is so important to him. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize our relationship, but I also feel like I'm hiding this part of my sexuality and don't want to go my whole life without having the experience of being with a female partner. What do you think I should do? Wait, but did she tell him? Yeah. It says he knows. And he said he's open to it? He says. Okay. But she's still

questioning. She's worried because I guess commitment and trust is a huge thing to him. But you have to take people at their word. Don't you think? Well, if you don't, it's, I mean, it comes back to what you were saying with like taking on feelings that they haven't even shared with you that they might not even have. Yeah. Like you're not a mind reader and predicting people's needs is not your job. Yeah. And that's what we do for babies and toddlers. But we can't do that with adults and adults can't do it to you. Right. It's not something we should expect our partners to do.

But I do think if you're certainly worried about the consequences of it or the implications of it, I would definitely make sure that you're having like a well thought out conversation where it's not just like, yeah, cool, threesome, awesome, you know? And it's more like, okay, but have you thought about, you know, this or talk through the things that you are having questions about or fears about? You know, it's funny. It's so synced that this is coming up because sometimes I can put really like rose-colored glasses on things. And particularly when I was listening back to that episode, I was like, oh, wow, I make it sound like I came out and everything was great. And it was great with my family. It

was great with my friends so far. It was not great with my relationships with men. Not all of them, but some of them. Yes. And particularly, one of my partners was very insecure about it and didn't ask it in the way that you, you know, compassionately ask me questions. It was very, well, if you like women, then, you know, why would you like me? And just all these questions that were not really about getting to know me and being curious, but more about, you know, him and his insecurities.

Exactly. But not addressing it directly. You know, all the things like it was just not done well, but whatever. And then more recently, I dated someone long term whose dad openly said homophobic things in front of me. Oh, God. And I remember at the time being like, so why didn't you say anything? And this is common, so I do want to bring it up for

bisexual people or again, queer, whatever, however you identify, but particularly for bisexual, right? If you're in a relationship with a heterosexual person and you're a bisexual woman dating a guy who's straight, even if you say you're bisexual, like in their head, it's like, no, but you're straight now. Right. Because you're in a heterosexual relationship with them. They can conflate that with your identity. Yeah.

And I had to explain. And even at one point, I like posted this thing about national coming out date, which I think is literally today. Oh, my God. Are you serious? It's so nuts. Wait, while we look it up. Oh, my God.

What? What is happening? It is today. Oh, my God. Are you serious? It's so nuts. Wait, while we look it up. Oh, my God. What? What is happening? It is today. Oh, my God. October 11th. Oh, my God. What is happening? God, that is crazy.

There's something. This show has like a higher. No, like it's not about us. There's a higher purpose. And I don't know what it is yet. Oh, wow. Maybe it's this. This is helping.

Hopefully. Hopefully. But then, you know, I post this thing and I come up to this like really negative reaction about your partner yeah about me just being like oh like and it was just the most like wholesome you know love everybody and everyone should be free to be themselves like it was the most and yeah it it was like started this really big argument and like yelling and like that I can't post that if I'm in a relationship with him because then people will think I'm not attracted. I don't know. Just

it can be really complicated. And I want to acknowledge that because it's a real thing, even in this year, right? In the modern day that we're living in. So I would approach the conversation to learn more about how your partner feels because he's already told you that he doesn't feel insecure about it, but maybe you do want to ask more questions to find out where he stands. Yeah, because it doesn't sound like he has an issue with her sexuality. But the thing is, when things play out, and especially when in any relationship, if someone is seeking out another partner within your relationship, that is so complicated and there has to be so many rules

around it and so many conversations in any sort of like polyamorous situation. Everyone has to make the rules together and then follow them. And so that's what they should talk about is, okay, so if I do this, what are the boundaries we should put in place so that everyone feels safe, so that you feel safe? Because I think to me, it's more about that than it is that it's a woman. It's more about that there's going to be another person that you're having a sexual experience with. That causes a lot of jealousy in any type of relationship. No matter what the gender of the person is. So he might think in his head because it's a woman,

he won't feel jealous. But that's not necessarily the case because it's always something, you're always going to feel something you might not even anticipate. So I think it's just like, let's be super open. Let's build some rules here. And then if at any point someone is

uncomfortable, then we have to reevaluate because, you know, if you are choosing to be in a relationship with this person, you obviously want to continue to be in a relationship with this person. So you do have to respect the needs of that person too. Yeah. That's much different than someone denying your sexuality, which is sort of what you're talking about, which is horrible. And I think I know what you mean, where you being in a relationship with a heterosexual man doesn't make you then heterosexual for that time. It's like you're still bisexual. Yeah. Was there anything you said to him that like made him understand? It was so explosive. He was so defensive. And

yeah, I think what was mostly painful was the fact that I was like, you're the person I love the most and that I'm the most intimate with. And the things that you're saying to me are things that like even someone who doesn't know me and doesn't like wouldn't even say like, so he was very defensive. And again, being defensive is never good in any situation, but you can't be attached to an ideal about who you are and your stance on LGBTQ issues more than you are able to see how you're acting in a situation. And that maybe those two things, there's like a contrast and that can be upsetting, but you can't put that on your partner to fix. Or I think that was honestly the most painful part. But, you know, in the end, we stuck it out. He was like, what do you want me to do? And I was

like, you need to figure out what you want to do with your family. Because actually, like, me fixing this is the opposite of, you know, and he did. And in the end, it was a really, I think, powerful moment even for his family because there was a lot of homophobia. And I think just me being part of the family all of a sudden was like, oh, right. So I don't know if I'm answering your question. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I wondered if there was anything specific that you said to him that got through to him in that time, but it kind of doesn't sound like it. Yeah, I'm trying to remember. I mean, I think when you saw how, I mean, I was just so upset. And I think we underestimate, like, we've made so much progress as a society, I think, in the last

five or 10 years. But there's still so much shame around it. And even people who are out and proud, it's heavy and it's weighty. And that's why I think it's so amazing when partners are really able to handle that conversation and handle it with grace and love. Yeah. Okay. I have a coworker friend who I'm afraid is in an abusive relationship.

What do I do? Hi, ladies. I have a coworker friend who has always been a superstar at work. This coworker is fully remote and lives in the middle of nowhere with no close friends or family. About nine months ago, her husband was laid off from his job and has been at home with her. In these past nine months, her work performance has declined dramatically, and she has suffered a black eye, concussion, and now a broken leg. She has attributed all these accidents to her large dogs,

but I'm not convinced. I'm afraid she is suffering domestic violence, but I don't know what to do. I know if I were to bring it up, she could get defensive and deny everything, and the last thing I want to do is push her away. I don't know for sure that this is a domestic violence scenario, but I can't help feeling like she's in trouble.

I really need your advice on what you think I should do. Thank you. Oh, man. That's really hard. I know there's a lot of conflicting advice around this in general. I've heard multiple things about what you should do in this scenario. You said that she doesn't really have anyone. And also that's a common part of the cycle in abuse. Yeah, isolation. So it's not like you can say, well, there are other people closer. There was a situation in my life where there's a person who I'm not very close to at all, who I know, well, I know in my heart, like I don't know, no, but is struggling with, I think, an eating disorder. And I know this person very surface level. But of course, for me, my first thought is I need to do something or I need to help or I need to fix this or I need to say, you know, I'm here. And

ultimately, I mean, I did talk to a therapist about this and was told I shouldn't. There are other people, and this person does have other people, their family and all kinds of stuff to do that. And that it's a codependent situation, like waiting for me to grab. It's right there. And I can't really do anything for this person. Right. So this is a little different, but I'm saying there are circumstances where you can say, I see this really unfortunate thing happening, but it's not my place or I don't have the resources to do it. But in this situation, I feel like you should say something. And she probably will get defensive, but at least then she'll know you know

so that if and when she gets to a place that's like, I can't handle this anymore, she knows she can go to you. Yeah. Synced is supported by Warby Parker. Warby Parker offers everything you need for happier eyes, eyeglasses, sunglasses, contact lenses, eye exams, and you can shop with them online or in stores. Glasses start at $95, including prescription lenses. I love Warby Parker. I have so many. It's like I woke up like a kid on Christmas morning that I

get to try my new pair of glasses and decide which one I want. It's awesome because they have the home try-on program. So that's amazing because you can pick out the glasses and stuff and they send them to you. And then you just send them back if you don't like them. And so that makes it easy. But also in store, I really like that you can just get your eye exam and then immediately pop out and like pick out your glasses. And it's so easy and so awesome. And they also have contact lenses and you can save 15% on your first order of contacts, no promo code needed, which is awesome. Try Warby Parker's free home try-on program. Order five pairs of glasses to try at

home for free. There's no obligation to buy. Ships free and includes a prepaid return shipping label. Try five pairs of glasses at home for free at warbyparker.com slash sync. I think that there are ways to communicate that you are a safe place for people without naming, without being like, I can tell, you know, because that is too much. It's also she will feel shamed and judged and she already feels shame and judged and she's already hiding it, right? There's all the elements of it are already really present. And so to me, it's less about, you're not a social worker, but you can be a friend. And what she probably needs is both, but what she needs to get to the social worker is a friend. And so I would build a relationship with her, you know, that's not necessarily rooted in what are these bruises about, but, you know, go out,

again, she's a coworker. Yeah, but she works remote. I don't know if they're in the same place or not. This is what I would do. And maybe that's super codependent, but I would just be like, Hey, like, do you want to do like a happy hour, you know, after work on Thursday? We can just do like martinis and talk. Just offering yourself as an open ear. Is that a thing? Yeah. Is that a thing? Yeah. There are ways of just showing compassion and non-judgment. And then you can ask questions. This isn't like an investigation.

But by asking questions, you might learn more. And again, I think in any of these situations, we've sort of talked about this before, but it's not about you showing them the sort of situation that they're in is bad. It's for them to realize that it's bad for them. And so the questions are, you know, how do you feel in your relationship? I know, but I don't know if her asking about the relationship is ever going to yield any, especially while this person is in it. Like you said, being available for that person and showing that they're a safe space.

Honestly, to this person, I hate to punt this, but I think you should talk to a therapist about how to actually address this because I think it's a very fine line because you yourself do have to have boundaries. You can't become a part of this abusive relationship. You can show that you are a call away. You're ready to receive this person if you need it, but it can get worse if you insert yourself. Well, yeah, I don't think inserting yourself, you're not like bringing your boyfriend on the phone. It's not as obvious as that, but it can get very messy. And so I do think you have to have boundaries while showing that you, it can literally be as easy as saying, hey, you know, if you ever want to talk, if you ever want to talk, if you ever need a place to go, if you ever need anything, I'm that at all hours. I'm here. She knows what that means.

If she's really in this situation and she might not be able to hear that at the time, but if she is at some point ready, she'll remember it. And so I think that's all you can do. You can't. I mean, I guess you could call the police. I mean, I'm just going to say it like she's going to get killed. Black eye, broken arm. If she called a hotline, they would be like, your life is in danger. You need to like this isn't. But then that's what I'm saying. That's way above this person's pay grade. She can't do that. She's not police. She's not to take it on like that. She's just another person. So is it like she calls the police? It might be that. It might be call the police and say, I think there needs to be a wellness check on this person. I have reason

to believe that she's being abused and then leave it there. While still, I think still saying like, hey, I'm here for you and don't tell her that you're calling the police, but maybe do that. I'm with you. It might also get dicey if she's Black and her partner's Black and you're calling the cops and then the cops, you know what I mean?

The cops are not necessarily safer. But then what? Like she can't do it. And I agree. I think social workers can be in the same situation as the cops. That's not always a great place. I guess that's where, to me, there's a middle ground of establishing more of a connection. And I think that's what I would do, right? And maybe I'm doing the wrong thing, but

I would want to build more of a connection with her in order to be able to support her, which I would want to do to someone who's in a situation like that. So I think all of these are options. I think it's just which one do you feel more comfortable doing? And even maybe there's someone at work you can talk to. It's not about telling on her in any kind of way, but I'm sure other people are noticing too. Yeah, I'm sure. And there's something that maybe, again, her manager can do or something like that, where there's more of a, you know, I want to check in and make sure you're okay in a way that's not putting her on the spot in a bad way, but being like,

I just want to know if there's anything that you need. When you're in a situation like that, yeah, you don't need to find the perfect words to establish open arms. Yeah, exactly. That you're a safe haven. That you're a safe haven for support. I had a friend who had an eating disorder and I was very, very concerned and I tried the kind of, let's hang out and it was impenetrable. And I ended up, and I'm friends with her partner, sort of talking to him, you know, and being like, this is really serious. And he ended up being able to help her in that way. And so I know that she doesn't know. So I guess another option was also to be like, who is close to her in her life? And there's groups, you know, I had someone on my team on a project that I worked on who was dealing with, yeah, very serious addiction. And I ended up not encouraging him to go to 12

Step, but like sending him the resources if he ever wanted to and, you know, sharing the way. That's all you can do. Yes, yes. Is provide the option and opportunity and materials. resources if he ever wanted to. And, you know, sharing the way. That's all you can do is provide the option and opportunity and materials. And if they use them, like you fucking pray they will. Yeah. But you can't force someone and you also can't fix people, but you can definitely show support and you can definitely say, I'm here. Especially in this situation where she has to leave. Like so much of that is like, where would I go? What would I show that you're the place to go? And it can even just

be as like, I just feel like something's going on and you don't have to talk about it. But just know I'm a place you can come to emotionally and physically. Just putting that out there. That's really meaningful. Yeah. Oh, that's hard. That is so hard. I'm sorry you're going through that. For everyone. Yeah, for everyone involved. Okay, let's do one more.

How to stop idolizing famous people, couples. Oh my God. I'm a pop culture enthusiast and consume all things music, TV, movie, sports. Due to this, I get very attached to famous people and the idea of what they symbolize. It can be individual people or couples. Most recently with Taylor Swift. We were in Travis. How do you say his last name?

Kelsey. Kelsey. Travis Kelsey. It gets to the point where I think about them frequently throughout my day and it interferes with my work, school, etc. I know that famous people are complicated and messy just like me, but it can be hard. And I think a large part of it is that I'm from Iowa

and there isn't a lot of national entertainment here, so it is so foreign to me. I know it's unhealthy, but I can't get myself to stop, especially if they seem like genuinely good people. I feel like you are an expert in this. I feel like we are an expert in this, if I'm being honest. I think I was 100% you. I lived in fantasy land about famous people. It was more about me being involved

in them, like me with Matt Damon or me as best friends with this person. But still, it definitely disrupted my present in a way where I would escape to that place a lot. And I think it's recognizing that that is what's happening. You're actually trying to escape your real life into a fantasy life, which means there's something about your actual life that you need to address that feels empty or feels scary or feels there's something you're running away from in your actual life that is causing you to mentally run towards these fantastical people. I mean, one of the main things that helped me and this sucks because no one else can do it is I met some of these people. It went away. It like truly just went away. It was like, oh, oh yeah. And in some ways it's disappointing, right? It's like, oh, everyone really is normal and not even normal. Sometimes we're way worse off than me and chaotic and it's crazy. And I actually actively don't wish for that life anymore and recognize the parts of my life that are smaller are actually

safer and feel better. That's horrible advice because obviously I know that you can't just go out and meet a bunch of celebrities. But I do think starting with what's going on, with the drinking, I've been really intentional about noticing the timing. When do I want it? And that tells me so much, right? So I think for you, noticing when your brain starts going there and understanding what happened right before it or an hour before it can be very indicative of why it's happening. But I get it. It's easy. It's alluring. And me telling you that they're all people. They are great. They're people. Everyone's a person. But what you're doing is just like leaving your reality. It could be in so many different forms, right? You could be an alcoholic and leaving your reality. You could be a, in this case, you're sort of a fantasy addict in some ways. And that was so me. I think you should imagine them doing regular things. Like, you know, you heard about the ick. Yeah.

So the ick has been helpful for me as a concept to stop having fantasies around certain people where I will imagine them like waiting in line at a buffet or like trying to catch like a receipt that's flying away or like scooting into a booth doing things that are very human human and regular imagine them like partying or like having diarrhea like i know this is a wild probably unrelatable like but for me it does work yeah because it brings them down from this yeah because in because in the fantasy, it's not them. And it's not even what you're seeing in the magazines. If you are using fantasy, I think, as a tool, right? They're like sparkly and pink and perfect. And like, you don't even realize what kind of reality you're creating that's so out of touch with reality. So yeah, make them do really regular, stupid things and see if that helps. I also, what helps me in a weird way is also see how many of them have broken up. You know, I told you recently, I was like, everyone's breaking up.

And you were like, not really. But for me, it's helpful. That couple that I imagine all these things about, actually, this is what was going on. So to me, it's helpful to be like, oh, that's how I felt about them. And it wasn't true. So the way I feel about these people is probably the same way. Don't judge yourself for falling into that. I also think compared to many other things that you could be using in a maladaptive way, fantasy is probably the one that maybe hurts the least amount of people. Like it doesn't hurt other people. It doesn't hurt other people. It definitely hurts

you. Yeah. But yeah, don't be too harsh on yourself at the same time as using these tools. Yes. I think it's more common than people talk about. I think a lot of people go to these places, but I will say the last line of it, which is especially if they seem like genuinely good people.

Yeah. You don't know who's a good person and who's not. And by the way, in the armchair world, we pretty much fully believe that there's no such thing. There's no such thing as a good person and a bad person. Everyone is all of the things. So that within itself, you don't know if they're good or bad or where they are on the spectrum. And the more they're invested in showing that they're good, I feel like it usually means they're more, they're covering up or something. Yeah. It's performative. It's performative. And it's really

a machine, right? If this might help actually watching the other two, the show on HBO, I love that show. It's so niche. I was like, why is this the show that feels like it was made for just me and like seven people? But apparently it's very popular. But they really do show how the biz works. And that, yeah, couples, particularly, they're called PR couples for a reason, right? You can go down a whole rabbit hole on TikTok. And there's really interesting creators, actually, that have helped me just dispel the whole, you know, that it is a story. It's a movie.

And sometimes there's a basis of truth in that couple. Sometimes there isn't. But it's still a story that's being told by publicists. And there's a lot of people making money, right? And in many cases, like they literally call the paparazzis to like stage certain scenes and then fabricate a headline that leads to another headline and then it promotes their projects, right? And it happened to me a little bit with Travis Kelsey and Taylor, where I was like, I feel like now I've just been kind of used. I don't know if it's real anymore. And not that I was convinced that they were going to get married at the beginning, but I did feel a little bit like, oh, you guys kind of used us to sell shit.

But that's on us, not them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm just saying it's helpful to remember that, that I felt something real being excited about Travis, Kelsey, and Taylor Swift. I know, but I guess why, like these feelings that we have, these real feelings in our body about strangers is something to red flag. I don't think, look, men watch sports and have feelings about men, people they've never met, and women, I mean, right, I'm generalizing. Men enjoy gossip and relationships and women enjoy sports. But I do think it's like our fantasy football. And I think it's okay. Like, it's okay to get some joy. Should we ban celebrity gossip websites? I mean, I don't love them, if I'm being honest. I really don't. I also see so much bullshit

that I know is bullshit. And I don't think it's helpful at all for anyone. I don't think it's helpful for the celebrity. I don't think it's helpful for... It's helpful for celebrities. That's why they do it. I mean, it's not everybody. You're talking about a specific type that's like doing it, but a lot that's not... Well, Travis Kelsey and Taylor Swift, they got a lot out of it. The NFL got a lot out of it. I don't think Taylor got a lot out of it. She has nothing more to have. He does. Personally, again, it's a parasocial. I have no idea, but she went through a really hard breakup and probably feels great to be able to parade around with, he's not a quarterback, but like basically. No, no, I'm

sure. I mean, her being in a relationship can be fulfilling for her, but the spectacle of it isn't good for her. In fact, in my opinion, it's bad for her. Like it reiterates all these things that she's been trying to distance herself from. But if that is a genuine relationship, then that gives her what a genuine relationship gives her, which is great. I think both can be true. I think she got a lot out of it. What do you think she got? Attention. We live in an attention economy. Attention is money. Again, I'm not an expert in marketing, whatever, but she brought the NFL so much money and capital. The NFL. I'm sure other, it's going to raise, I mean, I'm seeing her, I mean, she was already in commercials, but like Travis Kelsey is in like, every time I'm on my feed now, he's doing a promotion for like a big

ad. Yeah, he is gaining. Do not get me wrong. She is at the top of her game. She just made the most money of a tour ever. She's coming straight off of that. I do not think she, Taylor Swift, got anything more from it. I think the NFL did. I think he did. And if it had been like two years and we hadn't heard anything from Taylor and this happened, I might be more willing to be like, okay, maybe she just like needed to pop back up.

Well, I agree with you that I think common sense would tell you she doesn't need to do this. Just the fact that we've been talking about it for 20 minutes is like proof that we can enjoy these relationships and talking about them. But I think that being relevant is worth a lot of money. Fame has a dollar sign associated to it. And in order to remain famous,

you have to remain relevant. And from what I've understood of the whole celebrity PR sort of ecosystem is that it allows you to be relevant. There's stories written about you. You're on the cover of things. And so you have a higher price point for everything. And yeah, you're in more stuff. I just think that's really selling short. yeah, you're in more stuff. I just think that's really selling short. I do think that's a type of person and a type of celebrity and one that really prioritizes relevance. That is not everyone. Okay. I mean, I have famous friends. They don't. Oh, no, no. But sorry. What I mean is you think Taylor Swift doesn't want to be relevant? She is already based on her own merit. But then she wasn't for a few

years, right? Like, I mean, her entire documentary is about that. I think you're perceiving her in this like, she's the most powerful and that's how she feels. But that's probably not how she feels. She probably feels like she needs to maintain it and in the way that everyone else does. She might. I don't know because I've never spoken to her. So I don't know. But I know that there's a wide range of celebrities, many who want nothing to do with the public eye. Yeah, for sure. Oh my God, totally. And hate it. And we live in a culture where if you say fucking anything, you're everywhere. And people are really moving away from that of like, I actually can't say anything or do anything. I don't want to be relevant because

relevant means getting attacked. So I think it's painting with a very wide brush because they are people. Most of the people we have on Armchair Expert are not putting out PR stunts and like getting paparazzi to follow them. And I just feel uncomfortable. But what are we arguing about? What do you think I'm saying? I'm confused. What are we disagreeing about? Well, I guess I'm arguing that relevance isn't what everyone is trying to achieve at all times. Yeah, I'm not saying that, but it is worth something. Being relevant has a dollar figure next to it, and some celebrities are ready to pursue it, and others don't. And I agree with you. The people who are actually, I think, famous and doing great things, don't do't do that kind of stuff. Like, don't call back grid to, like, take photos of them. Like, they don't want to be photographed, right? And that's what I'm saying where, like, you can tell when it's been planned for a reason to tell a story and when it's not, when it's, like, coming out of my house or I'm somewhere and someone took a photo. And I don't think just in the way that it was orchestrated with what he was wearing and the

convertible, like you can't really argue that that wasn't somewhat constructed. And I'm not saying it's not true, but there were decisions that were made. It wasn't just let's go on a date. And I'm not like angry about it. I just think coming back to our, you know, the original question, it helps me be like, oh, right, this is a story. And it's like a movie. And you can be obsessed with a movie. And like, I love the notebook. Like when I got all these blood tests done, I think about this notebook scene that I love of them dancing in the street. And it's my go-to kind of comfort thing. Yeah. The celebrity couple that you're sort of reading about, that's probably like that scene in the notebook, you know, it's a scene.

It's not necessarily like real. Totally. That makes sense. Yeah. And also what you just said reiterates sort of what, like you go there when you're getting your blood drawn because you, you hate that. Yes. So you're escaping a reality. In that case, that makes sense. You need to escape because that's a painful thing. So it's understanding what you're escaping ultimately that will fix it. Once you know, and then you can address that in a real way, then you won't need this celebrity fantasy in the same way. Totally. Wow. We got a lot of questions that are all so good that we need to power through, but I think we're at time i feel like i didn't answer the bisexual question right i'm having like thoughts about it that about the girl

yeah i feel like i shared all these negative experiences and i don't want her to feel scared to do it because i had those experiences that were like difficult that's your experience and you're saying in response to last week where you said it was great. But I just, yeah, I want her to know that it sounds like she's in a great place with this person and it's going to be great. Well, we just want her to be realistic about it, which is talk it out. I think it's fine. I think you're overthinking it because it's also good to know that it's not going to be just like, great, it's not going to. Right. And that it's not, it's okay to that, like, yeah, it happens and it's not going to be just like, great. It's not going to. Right. And that it's not, it's okay to, like, yeah, it happens. And it's not because you did something wrong or you're wrong.

Okay. Well, that's it for today. Yeah. But we will see you next week with more fun synced squad questions for us. And we might be doing our next one on a Zoom. Oh, my God. Different coasts. Different coasts.

Me from probably my basement. Childhood basement. Oh, that's exciting. Yeah, you'll get to see the basement. I can't wait. Yeah. You'll have to give us a tour. Yeah.

And then you find somewhere fun to be and surprise us. I'll find something cute. Okay, great. All right, stay tuned. Bye. be okay surprises i'll find it i'll find something cute okay great all right stay tuned bye