Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: It's Rustic

Episode Date: December 13, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz discuss the social politics of pooping around others, the difficulties of sharing a bed, and in true sleepover fashion they call all the boys they know. They answer listener questions on how to deal with a narcissistic friend, when it's appropriate to look through a partner's phone, and they break down types of therapists. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

These are so cute. Oh, thank you. I got them at the outlet mall. Which one? Palm Springs? Yes, the Palm Springs outlet mall. So I went on an adventure with Callie. She wanted to have one night away from the baby practice. So we went to Palm Springs and had just like a night at a hotel. It was so, so lovely and nice. And on our way there, we went to the Outlet Mall.

It's the most insane Outlet Mall. Really? Oh yeah. I've never been. Oh my God. It's the most insane outlet mall. Really? Oh, yeah. I've never been. Oh, my God. It has all these luxury brands. Like, there's a Prada. There's a Loewe, Celine, Saint Laurent, Ralph Lauren. There's everything there. And it's exciting. Yeah. And it's, like, half off

or, like… Yeah. It depends. Not always half, but good discounts like stuff sometimes from like last season so it's discounted it's a good little trip

I'm happy you had a good time so when you go on a trip like that do you sleep in the same bed yeah we did okay you sleep

in the same room and it's like a real slumber party yes it's a real slumber party it was it was funny because a couple things happened with the hotel room.

One is she's pumping and stuff. So she needed a little mini fridge for the milk. And so they brought one up and it was like, so it was just like kind of falling apart. Like it like didn't look that steady or reliable, but you know, whatever. She was like, huh, it looks a little rustic. And like rustic was such a, and then she used that word like four or five times. And we had a whole conversation about what rustic means. Cause to me, rustic means cabin. Yeah. It's a positive. Exactly. To me, it's positive. And to her, it's just like interchangeable for fucked up. I kind of like, it's like a cute way to say something's fucked up. It's rustic. Yeah. I'm going to start using that. I know. It's so funny. Because, okay, also there was this

crazy loud, she was referring to it as a mechanical pump. Like there was this like loud sound that would just happen like every half hour. And we didn't know what it was or where it was coming from. During the night too? And then yes, it happened during the night. Oh, that's annoying. It was. That's my worst fear.

I have so many sound fears about hotels. Like I'm crazy. I'll always put a little note that's like quiet room please and I always pretend like I'm on a very important work trip

even if I'm not I'm very sensitive to sound I'm sensitive to a lot of things obviously but I will sleep in a hotel room and like I literally won't sleep like a minute

sometimes I'll get into the room and I just know I'm like oh no this is like a zero sleep situation because of the sound? because of that kind of thing of like there's a clank or clunk and I don't I'm like, oh, no, this is like a zero sleep situation. Because of the sound? Yeah, because of that kind of thing of like there's a clank or clunk.

Yeah. And I don't know where it's coming from and I can't stop it. Or the ventilation, like I need some ventilation, like white noise. And if it doesn't work, then we're going to have a problem. And then traffic. How do you share a bed with anyone? It's very difficult. We shared a bed actually.

I know. And it worked out because you're a little burrito. We shared a bed actually. I know. And it worked out because you're a little burrito. You're a little burrito princess. I felt like you were my doll. It was like, you just like tucked me in. Yeah. My little American doll that comes to sleep after she's done playing with her other friends. Ew, that's so scary, Liz. I hate that. I hate dolls that become people. You are so cute. That's like one of my core memories of you is just like turning around, seeing you just like,

you really were like a little, like babies in burritos. So cute. So yeah, I could sleep with you, which was a huge deal. Yeah. And I usually can't. And when I, you know,

Boyfriends. Boyfriends and stuff like that. They just think I'm cool. I'm like, I'm going to go. Like, but I mean, it's like, I will not sleep. But what about when you lived with boys? I eventually get used to it, but there are certain things

you can't touch me while we're falling asleep. It's very hard because I really love to cuddle, but I hate to be touched. This is complex. You can sleep really well with someone. No, I used to.

I used to love a slumber party so much and I had no issues. But the older I've gotten, it is hard. I prefer my own room always. But with the boyfriend, I have a friend whose partner wishes and wants to sleep in separate rooms, right? To like cuddle and hang and like be snuggly and then goodnight and go into his room. And she does not want that. It's funny because I'm like, I get it. Yeah, I get it.

Because when you're just sleeping, you should just be just sleeping. Yeah. It's like, get out of here. People are going to just call us like we're, you know. It's not. What are we? What will they say? You are uncompromising and you want your own space.

I know. Because we're people on earth. You want your own space too. You just decided. Or maybe you don't. Maybe you don't. Maybe some people love the safety of having somebody next to them. Yes.

We're 36 and single. You get used to it and you like it. You like it. And I will say though, that the first time that I sleep with someone in the same bed and we have a sleepover, if I do sleep pretty well, it's a huge deal. Yeah.

And if they start snoring, I'm like, this is never, like based on the sleep, I'll know how the relationship will go. Oh, God. My ex-boyfriend, David, who I always bring up, I feel like I have, right? Yeah, to you, but maybe not to you. I think you brought it up. The first night that we slept together was actually in a hotel. It was complicated because, whatever, he was working in Vegas.

And I came, like, it was an unusual kind of first sleepover. And I was, like, having hives on the plane because I was like, I'm going to have to sleep with a boy in a hotel room. I won't be able to, I don't know what it's going to be like, poop the whole thing, the whole nine yards.

I really am concerned about the poop. Like on an early date for sleepovers. Sometimes people have invited me like, come to this wedding. Like I'm like, we're not doing that. We're not sleeping in the same bed for the first time in a hotel room. The bathroom's right there. Also, I wish

hotels designed things differently. Put the bathroom in a different room. Haul. Put a bathroom somewhere else. Okay. I also, I do often. It's too close to the bed. It's too close, but that's how I feel about my apartment. The bathroom is very close. And one time a friend pooped. Did you hear it? Smell it? Or did they tell you? I smelled it.

And like, this is really mean. Because I know for a lot of people who come over and poop, like, it's great. You're allowed to come over and poop. You're allowed. Of course. And you should. And some people, I welcome it. And so this is why this is mean.

Because when they pooped and left, I was like, why did you do that? Oh, it hurt you. I was offended by it. Why did it offend you? Honestly, I like took it as an assault. Because I was like, why did you do that? This person in my life sometimes I feel has entitlement stuff. So I took that poop as saying, I don't really give a fucking, like I'll take advantage.

But like if you pooped, I would never think that because I don't have that issue. Got it. That the poop becomes a metaphor. But honestly, it does. It is a metaphor. Because there are some people... Dax and I have had this where I'm like, we are offended if the other person isn't comfortable. Right.

So it's... There's like... The poop says so much about a relationship. The way you poop is the way you do everything, right? The way you poop in a relationship is the way you do everything in a relationship. Okay. I love this topic. Okay. How many dates before you fart in front of the person? Never. And that's also a part of the sleeping. Cause like, what if you fart in the night and they hear it? I'm serious.

I even thought that with Callie, my best friend of all time. When we were in the same bed, I was like, we woke up and she was like, so. And I was like, oh no. And she was like, you talked a little in your sleep. Oh, that's adorable. I was also surprised by, and of course for me, I was nervous because I was like, oh no. Because my sleep has been all weird. And the sleep thing for me means seizures. If there's weird sleep stuff.

And I just got scared. Like, what did I say? Who knows what I'll say in my sleep? Yeah, that's super scary. It's scary and revealing. What if you say someone's name or say something that you haven't told them? Exactly. What if you say someone's name or say something that you haven't told them? Exactly. What if you talk about your secrets?

What if you tell your secrets in your sleep or you like tell the person like you hate them or something and then you're in a fight? But no, she was, and I was like, what did I say? And she said, you whispered and it was so clear. So it was strange. Like she said, you said, oh God, oh God, shit. Oh, wow. I know. Oh no. I know. It's not. It God, oh God, shit. Oh, wow. I know. Oh no.

I know. Poor little dream, Monica. What was she dealing with? I wondered when she told me that. I couldn't remember having a bad dream. I guess I did. Yeah, something was challenging. And you remember your dreams-ish, right?

Ish. I can remember before I open my eyes. And then as soon as life starts happening, it starts just fading away. Yeah, that's why it's good to keep a notebook next to your, if you want to remember your dreams, it's like that. Keep the notebook next to you and write it down immediately. But yeah, so I talked in my sleep, which was weird. But I was like, but what if I farted?

And also if I farted with her, it's fine. But even with her, I went when it was time to poop in the morning. I go to the lobby. I'm a lobby pooper. Put a bathroom on every floor. Yeah. I'll go down the lobby. It's fine.

But then like the person knows you've been away for a while. That's my move. Even when I'm in a relationship, I just don't need to do it. Yes. There. I want to be alone. Same. But also, this is now I'm grappling with this because you've

brought it up. If you fart in your sleep, how would you know? You don't. That's the problem. How would you know? You don't. That's upsetting. It's really upsetting. Okay. Also, I have another question. I've never talked about this, but like, you know when, okay. So when you're spooning, okay, and you need to let one out. Oh, God. In the spoon? In the spoon, because as we've discussed before, I cannot hold them in. I can do it for a certain amount of time, but after a few minutes. You hit your limit.

I hit a limit. And I am really good at letting them out silently. But when I do it, I've often wondered, can they feel the heat? Oh my God. Can they feel the heat? Yeah. Can you? No.

I don't think so. I mean, I think so. No. Well, are you naked? No, no, no, no, no. That's crazy. I wouldn't do it naked. That's, I mean, that's a lot.

If people do it naked, that's fine. But I think that's risky. Well, yeah. But there's a barrier of clothes. No smell whatsoever. Well, the smell is a collateral. I mean, it's just a risk you take. That's scary, Liz.

Yes, it is. That's why you get a pet. If there's a smell, they definitely know you just farted on them. And they probably were like, oh, yeah, I felt like a little something. And now I smell shit smell. So I think this happened. Oh, no.

I've been doing it for years. You have? Oh, my God. Yes, I've had to. This is fascinating. Because what am I going to do? What am I going to do? I know.

Get up and leave? Go to my house and then come back? I can't do that. Could you go to the other room? Yeah, but like every time I need to. How often is it happening? Have you farted in here? Probably, probably.

Wow, I've never. You've never farted? I don't think I have. But also, I've never- You never farted? I don't think I have. But also, I've never known you to have farted. Like, I've never been like, oh, like it smells. Or I heard something farting. We don't hang out indoors that much. But in here.

In here. With the mics. With the mics. I feel honored. Same thing as taking a dump in my house. Like, wow. And also peeing in front of me. That's a really big…

When I get to that part of a friendship with a woman, I'm elated. Oh, yeah. You were mad that I didn't want you to see my pee. You didn't do it. Is that why? Yeah, in here. Yeah. And then we've never had an opportunity to really pee together.

But I feel like when it happens, I'll play it cool, but I'll be so happy. Okay. So weird. Because for me, peeing in front of a girlfriend isn't like, oh, we're just so close that we pee in front of each other. It's not a level to hit for me. I don't pee. I mean, I would. It's like if someone walked in, I'm not going to freak out.

Yeah. But if there's a door, I will close it. I'll always close the door. That's, okay. So this actually brings up a topic that's really important. Okay. Okay, so not talked about this with anybody,

but in the last three weeks, I've had on two separate occasions, a man pee and not shut the door. Like not pee in front of me that we're in the same room together and you're just peeing in front of me, which actually I would welcome because I do think that's another, that's like a fun, like we're close. Okay. But once I was at someone's house, it was like a semi-date. It was in London. So. Wait, you had a semi-date in London? I had a lot of semi-dates in London. Oh my God. I mean, not a lot, but like I did.

You didn't tell me. We kind of had a lot to discuss last time. There was a lot on the docket. Shit, okay. Oh God, oh God, shit. So I was at his house. We're hanging out. We're getting to know each other.

And then at one point he goes to the bathroom. I'm in the living room and I can hear the pee. And I can hear that there's not a door that's been closed. And I just was like, how interesting. This has happened to me like a few times where guys, actually like if there are guys, if there are any guys listening, is it a thing that like men,

because they pee in urinals and like they often pee without anything sheltering them. It's just not a thing. Or is it like a power move? I can't, I don't know what it is. It's hard to know. I think it could be a mix. I don't think it's a full power move. I think a little bit of it is just laziness and like, who cares? Because they're not pulling down their whole pants, which I sort of, I didn't just learn this, but on a fact check the other day, Dex was telling us about how he pooped on accident in his pants. And it was while he was peeing. And so I was like, oh, did

it get on the floor? And then it kind of led to, I guess I was like, oh, I guess in my head, your pants were like a little down, but they're not. They're just like pulling their dick out. And because they're doing that, maybe it feels like there's less exposure. When we're on the toilet, you just see our full vagina. Yeah. But everything's, yeah. Pulling your pants down. And you have to wipe and stuff. Like they're not doing that. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So I think for them, because it's so like in and out, it's just like less efficient maybe. But I would say if you're on a first date.

I know. I think it's weird. Every time it's happened to me, I feel very weird about it. It feels a little power movie for you to be at this person's house. Right. It's a first semi-date and they're like doing with it. Just close the door. Or do you think that they're worried if they close the door,

you'll think they've pooped? I would love that for men. Because I always think men don't, like that's what women would do. The layer of like what they're going to think and what I'm going to do and then they're going to think this. Like we go through like an entire mathematical equation

every time we do anything. It's helped me to like be like men don't. It's not that they're doing something. I've just learned to not take things that men do personally because I think that there's not that much. I mean, there's not as much thought put into it often, but I would love that to be. You wish there were more layers. I wish there were more layers because then I think, oh my God, that's so cute. Yeah. It's really interesting. It happened to me another time where like he could have gone to a different location okay

but he just did it next to us oh not next to us but like kind of with the door open it was outdoors

oh and he could have gone but he just kind of did and I was like I would never imagine I know you're making out with a guy

you're like wait a minute I gotta go pee and you go in the bush pee four seconds yeah four seconds away and like he hears it and You're like, wait a minute, I got to go pee. And you go in the bush. Pee four seconds. Yeah, four seconds away. And like he hears it and you're like, maybe that wouldn't gross them out. But like a woman would just never do that.

But we have like a certain amount of class to uphold. And men, I think, don't. They don't. They have not that pressure. Yeah, the peeing outside thing is so funny. Yeah. They do it. Oh, everyone outside thing is so funny. Yeah, they do it. Oh, everyone I know is doing it.

Well, not everyone, but a lot. And I do wonder if it's American. Well, when I lived in Denmark, what I loved about it is that everyone peed everywhere. Women peed all the time in public. Yeah, they would have signs about not peeing in public where there was a guy standing and then a woman crouching and an ax on it. You're kidding me. I swear to God.

And that was what I loved about it because women, again, nothing's perfect, but it is a more gender equal society. Yeah. And one of the things

that I loved about it is that men and women can be kind of, yeah. Women would just crouch? Yeah. I had friends do it in the street.

It's also kind of a drinking culture. I feel like maybe that plays in. I mean, I never saw one of my friends do it in the middle of the day. But when people were drinking out at night, women would just pee anywhere. But it's hard to do. I feel like you've never peed in public. No. I peed in the car in a cup once.

I don't know this story. I was by myself. Thank God. It was so extreme that I had to. Kristen does it. She'll pee in cups. I always think it's so crazy. Yeah.

But it's when they're on road trips and stuff and Jax refuses to pull over basically. So I was stuck in this car and there was no bathroom. So I did it and it was so weird and hard. It's just like hard to position your body like that. It is. So not for me. There's tools you can get that turn your, basically your vagina into a penis. What? Yeah. It's like a plastic mechanism. And it means you can like pee anywhere. Yes. I actually, I think during COVID, Molly bought us those.

Really? Yes. Because we were traveling in a car trip and it was scary to stop at rest stops. Yes. Because we were still afraid to touch anything or be around anything nasty. So it was like, well, maybe we just buy these and then pee on the street. That's cool. But I never used it. You didn't. I think it'd be cool if it was like women had that on their key chain or something. But I'm also fine with no one doing it. Yeah. Go into a bathroom. Right. But they're not always available. They're not always available. I know.

Yeah. And that is a sexist thing in itself because again, it's not just hard to bend that way, but it's also, it can be even dangerous to just pull your pants down. A hundred percent. I mean, you don't want people on the street seeing you exposed like that. We are supported by Skims. We love Skims. We love them. Everything, every single thing I've ever owned from Skims. It has become a core favorite. I can't wear anything else. My old underwear doesn't,

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When people come over, I am always just like, especially if we've had drinks the night before, which we normally do, I pass out the little packs and I say, take this tomorrow. And everyone's so happy. It's so good. I talk all the time about how important electrolytes are. And Element is extra good because it doesn't have any of the extra stuff.

A lot of the other electrolyte powders and drinks often have sugar or coloring. And the other day I just had the worst headache, which I don't actually often get. Of course, popped an Element. It went away. It's like better than Advil. It's magic. It's better than Advil. I know. Right now, Element is offering a free sample pack with any purchase. That's eight single serving packets free with any Element order. This is a great way to try all eight flavors or share Element with a salty friend. Get yours at drinkelement.com slash sync. This deal is only

available through our link. You must go to d-r-i-n-k-l-m-n-t.com slash sync. Element offers no questions asked refunds. Try it totally risk-free. If you don't like it, share it with a salty friend. It'll give you your money back. No questions asked. You have nothing to lose. you have nothing to lose. Okay, I feel like I should call David. And ask him if he's ever peed in the street. Does he pee standing up? Well, he definitely pees standing up, I think.

Actually, I don't know. But I want to know if he, if in New Zealand, men just like pee randomly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Maybe he's asleep. He might be swimming. I'm sorry. Did you leave him a voicemail? Oh, I should have. Or it could be an audio note so he can respond. Oh yeah, that's a good idea. Hey David, I'm with Liz. We're recording Synced and we have a question for you. Do men in New Zealand pee randomly, like pee in bushes and stuff? Like you're at a barbecue

and then just look over and one of the guys is just peeing in a bush instead of going four feet to the bathroom. Are they doing that in New Zealand as much as they're doing it in America? It's very common in America and we want to know if it's cultural. So let us know. Okay. I love it. TBD. Some guys pee sitting down.

I know. I know. Because it's cleaner. Well, Jess does. I don't know if he does it because it's cleaner. Okay. But should I call him an ass? Yeah.

Just call all the boys we know and ask them questions wait this is so funny because they're recording f1 right now should i call yes oh. That would be so funny. Okay, hold on. That's a good focus group. This is the most, you know how I'm like, this is like a slumber party? I feel like calling boys we know on the phone while we

hang out is, we've reached peak slumber party vibes. I'll try Charlie after. Right. One of them will pick up. They're going to think Kristen died or something. Right. They said they're in the middle of death.

They're covering something right now on the Zoom. Is it important? It's really important. Is it important? Damn it, Charlie. They're on airplane mode. Oh. That's what I do when we record sometimes.

And it rings like that for half a second? I think, yeah, that's usually airplane. Oh. Okay, I'm going to try Matt. I weirdly had a dream about Matt. Well, the other day I dreamt, I didn't tell you, but it made no sense. I dreamt that we were drinking wine, but you poured the wine in a measuring cup. And then Matt had like amazing hair. It was like glistening in the wind. And I was like, oh my God. And that's all I remember. Wow. But there were other things, but I didn't write it down immediately, so I forgot.

They're all on air. Oh, my God. They take it so seriously. He's a responsible voice. Yeah. If I had Jethro's number, I would call him, too. Right. I'm going to try Dax again one more time. Email me.

Email me. Okay, I'm going to call Rob. Good. Yes. Go to the source. Email me Ugh Email me Okay I'm gonna call Rob Good Yes Go to the source He's texting me I can try to cut in with Jeff But Finishes

Okay They'll call us Yeah I should tell them it's extremely important It's extremely important Okay TVD Yeah All of our friends

Like what the fuck They're trying to be so serious It's Monday morning It's Monday morning. Okay, TVD on all of our friends. Like, what the fuck? They're trying to be so serious. It's Monday morning. It's Monday morning. Get with the program. Why are they all working? It's post-sleepover time. Yeah.

Okay. Well, until then, what do we leave dangles? Dingle dangles. Dingle dangles. Sleeping in same bedrooms. Farts. Okay, but how do you feel about sleeping in same bedrooms farts okay but how do you feel about sleeping in separate bedrooms as a couple but cuddling like having that intimate moment and then you just go into the other go into the other room i think this is actually a common question i am very it would be hypocritical for

me to be against it because in most of the relationships I've been in, when there was another bed available, my ex had like an extra bedroom. And so I would go, not all the time, but there were certain almost like periods where I just wasn't sleeping as well or there'd be more stressed out or like if we were fighting or like I would not be able to fall asleep or have trouble sleeping or wake up in the middle of the night and just go to the other room. Okay. And so I've done that and I love it. And so it would be hypocritical for me to like not. But when you're fighting, that's one thing.

Then it's reasonable to be like, I'm going to the other room now. Right. Like when your dad sleeps on the couch and it's like, oh, they're definitely getting divorced. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's bad. Not a good. Yes.

Very core stressful memory. Yes. Yes. I don't know because I'm not in love with anyone. But if I was, it might be nice to like look over and see them in the night. It is nice. Yeah. I prefer, my preference is that we sleep in the same bed.

Oh. For us to sleep well together and be in the same rhythm and- That hasn't ever happened? Where you like sleep well. Yes. No, yes. My long Where you like sleep well? Yes. No, yes. My long-term relationships, I slept well.

I mean, look, let's be fucking honest. It's the best feeling to wake up next to someone. It's so nice. First thing in the morning to cuddle and to like be close to someone else. It's so wonderful.

That being said, when I did go and sleep in the other room, I did feel that it hurt their feelings a little bit even if there was a good reason even if it like I think if there were

too many nights in a row where I needed to do it they would start being anxious about it and I and if I was in the same she was in the same foot

we were foots in a round I think I would also start to like wonder you know or it would make me feel like, did I do something or am I farting in my sleep? Right. You know, if you are farting in your sleep though, like how are you going to stop that? What is that? Can anyone let us know if you

fart in your sleep? How did that conversation go with your partner? Because I think that's great. If I heard my partner fart in their sleep, I would just be giggling. It would be… Farts are so funny to me. I know. I guess it's like if you're in love with a person, it's all funny and great. It's when you're not in love. Oh, they're calling.

Okay. Oh, they're going to FaceTime. I'm going to video you. Hi, guys. Good morning. Good morning. Hello. I tried calling all of you. We are recording an episode. I know. I know. Hello. I tried calling all of you because we have a-

We are recording an episode. I know. I know. But I thought, so are we. So I thought it would be a fun- Yeah, I'm just only thinking why we didn't see your call. Yeah, I know. I had to involve Rob.

Yeah, you did a good job. Good job, Wabi. Good job, Wabi. We want to do a little crossover because we have a really important question and there's now four boys together so we could ask. Oh, okay. Yes. You timed this perfectly. Why is it, how do we say it without it being rude? Okay. Is it? Any question with this much lead up is going to be good.

We're talking about men peeing and why you guys sometimes don't close the door and is it a power move? When you're with a woman. And not someone you like know really, really well. Not closing the door or just like walking four steps to pee outside

in front of the woman instead of going into a bathroom. Is it just like pure efficiency or is it a little bit of a power move or is there no thinking behind it or is there no thinking behind it there's no thinking it's efficiency like yeah have to disrobe and sit down and be in a compromised position to pee we could just literally stand up unset pee the door thing for me i know it very well because there's often people in our house as you know monica so i'm to be in and out of there in like 26 seconds.

So closing and opening the door, it's like, oh, I can get this done before I need to do that. It's just one step I don't want to take. You're hidden too because you're facing into the toilet versus when you sit down, you're facing out. But what about outside? Outside, you guys are exposed. We can hear your pee.

We don't face you guys when we pee outside. We face a bush or a tree. Two things. One, it 100% is not a power move at all. There's no, like, I'm peeing on a tree like a dog. But there 100% is the 3% in your mind fantasy that somehow the woman's going to be so intrigued by the notion that your penis is out that maybe she'll get excited and want to come. That's what I knew it. I knew it too.

I knew it. There is a perviness part to it, but not a powerness part to it. Charlie's furrowing his brows. I don't have her pee to entice someone, I don't think. Well, you don't do it too. I'm more saying you're there, someone's close, your dong's out, and you think, well, I'm a guy. If there was boobs out around the corner, I'd be intrigued. You're hopeful at all times someone might get horny for you. Is Jethro there? Because I want to know if this is American.

So Jethro, I'm going to have to repeat his answer because he's in an earpiece. Is this American, Jethro? I would say it's slightly American. Yes! When he first got to the U.S. and went on shoots, he was surprised how close men would choose to pee. Boy, if anyone exemplified that,

it was me on top. You know, Jethro? I have to pee non-stop. Jethro pees a lot as well, he says. Okay. Oh yeah, he said I would open the door and pee right outside the door of the car if we were like in a field. He said Brits would generally walk 15 paces for that.

Okay, so still not asking anyone, is there a restroom? No, well we don't need a restroom. I have a question. So if a woman, if I were to do that, like walk a few feet away from you, crouch down and pee, is there a world where that turns you on? Of course. Right? Wait, wait, back up. I missed something.

What did Liz say? She said if she or a woman was around a bunch of men and like walked 15 paces and then crouched down and peed is that a turn on and i said i'm sure what are you time man says absolutely not i say a thousand percent charlie anytime someone's just naked drop and trap but even though they're peeing yeah it shows you like down to party and you're playful you're not up uptight. I think it's badass that you do that. Okay, we gotta vote for badass. It would be like, that's a gangster move. If you took a shit, I would be like, let's get married. If you took a

shit in the woods 15 feet from a blind chick's eyes, I'd be like, I need to find a ring store. Turn on? Okay, Charlie said, maybe not a turn on every time, but intriguing. And I think minimally, we could all agree to that. Yeah, but that's like for me, that's so, this is a cool girl. Like that feels so, I hate you guys.

Like, it's like, oh, you're falling for this very, very dumb trap of like, oh, that's a cool girl because they'll pee in front of you. No, no, I said they could dump. That's like, now you're dealing with a unicorn. Okay, well, both. I mean, you... We got to find out more

about this gal. Okay. What if she pees at your house and leaves the door open while she pees? Oh, I love it. Love it.

Love it. You love it, Charlie? Weirdly enough, Matt loves that. Oh. It's not a sexual thing for me. It's not a sexual thing. I'm not going to be turned on if you pee outside, outside but i'm gonna be impressed that you just do it you're

just don't give a shit there's a confidence there's a confidence there's a knowing oneself there's a lot being relayed it's confidence i am reverse engineering this gal is up for everything like i know that's the part that's annoying to me. Okay, that's fair. Okay. Are you looking for clues that your potential sexual partner doesn't have a lot of hang-ups and shyness

and that it's going to be a playful, exploratory, boundless experience? Aren't we all looking for those clues? It's a false clue. To be fair to her, you have to say

that it's not a performance for her. It's who she is. And also, I think it goes in line with something that would be walking around naked after a shower versus throwing a towel on in a robe and being covered. Like, it's just someone's behavioral behavior and comfort level. I don't think they're trying to prove a point by peeing, but there's just some people that will leave the door open. They'll also walk around naked. They're more free. And then there's people that won't.

Yeah, that's true. I guess it depends on the timeline of the relationship. For me, if someone's doing this on date one or not even a date, that's a clue to me that they're, yes, trying to be one of the boys or trying to get like they're doing something explicit. But if it's someone you've been dating, that's a different thing. OK, one last question, then I will let you guys talk about cars. Do you think it's not masculine to close the door? No. No, I sit down

and pee sometimes. Oh, wow. Yeah. Because you're tired? Yeah, I want a break. Okay. I sit down at night exclusively now. Oh, my gosh. I only learned this. That's what appalled me.

Just so you girls know where we're at. A few years ago, I saw a friend sitting down to pee. And I was like, what? You sit down to pee? And he's like, yeah, it's so much more comfortable. And then I started doing it at night because I want to stay as asleep as I can when I pee. And now I've started doing it. Sometimes, just like Charlie, I'm lazy.

So I'm like, I'm going to sit down. I'm not lazy, I just want a break. I just need a break sometimes. Wow. Alright. Well, I love that we now know this is an option. We should probably always record at the same time. This is pretty fun.

We love you guys. Okay, love you. We love you. Bye. Bye. Wow, that was funny. Oh, and then also, David has texted. Oh, man.

Everyone's coming in hot. Yep. All right, let's see. Hi. I can't speak on behalf of all New Zealanders. I'm merely one of five million, but in general, you don't just wee in the bushes. You'd go and use the bathroom.

It's sort of the polite thing to do. We're not letting rip everywhere. I mean, there is an issue if you're out, you know, on the town and you've had a few beers or wines and, you know, often we walk home in New Zealand, we're big walkers, and sometimes there isn't a bathroom on the way. We'll occasionally find a bush, something like that.

But you've got to be careful because that's indecent exposure. You could be arrested. So with caution. But generally, if we're at someone's house, we use the bathroom, the toilet, and not the garden. Not the garden. He's the most, and not the garden. Not the garden. That's the most proper response. It is.

But okay, I think between Jethro and David, it's more American. It is. Wow. It's like American masculinity, I think, is fascinating. It is. It's so different, and there's facets of it everywhere. Like, it's not like it's this—

America, in many sense is like a parody. It's like taking normal things and supersizing them. And to me, it's like supersized masculinity. Yeah. Because when the guy peed,

I was like, that is a turn off. I'm hearing his pee. Even when I have to go pee at a guy's house and the bathroom is really close, I'll try not to make a lot of pee noise.

Same. I try to hit, I try to aim it try not to make a lot of pee noise. Same. I try to hit, I try to aim it for the back of the toilet. Exactly. Or sometimes I'll put a little Kleenex down there so that there's...

Oh, I've heard about that trick. Doesn't make as much splash. Something to absorb. Something to absorb the sound, the liquid. So it's so funny to me that they would think that might turn us on.

I mean, it might turn someone on, but that is so funny. Man. Complex. We're learning a lot. We're learning so much. It's a masterclass. We are supported by Warby Parker.

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Every episode is like... It's a fun little snakes and ladders. Oh my God. One is about pooping, but we did talk about it a lot. Oh, okay. Let's do this. This is fun. Handling narcissistic friends. This is from Victoria. Hi, Monica and Liz. I'm

a longtime armchair and love you both. Listening to Synced is a highlight of my week. Your celebration of mental health and your transparency with therapy led me to starting therapy last year. And I'm so grateful for you two and Dax for inspiring that decision. Yay. Love that. Okay. Now to my question. My college girlfriends and I have been out of school for about a decade. We've always had a really great group dynamic and always make an effort despite distance as we settle into our lives in very distant cities to get together a few times a year. In the past, these relationships have always been very grounding and rejuvenating. Over the years, one of my friends has grown increasingly self-involved and narcissistic, or it's possible I just never saw it before.

She's always been a big talker, but now when we get together, it seems like we are all there to just play audience to her endless rambling. If someone else starts talking, she immediately looks at her phone and is always bringing the conversation back to herself. A few years ago when I got engaged, while I was very excited to share that with my friends, the conversation would always go back to her engagement and wedding plans.

Note, she was not engaged at this time. Oh, weird. Okay, after a year and a half of struggling with fertility issues, I'm finally pregnant. Yay, congratulations. Okay. After a year and a half of struggling with fertility issues, I'm finally pregnant. Yay, congratulations. Oh, I love this. I hadn't told the group much about my fertility issues

since I miscarried the previous year and was very excited to talk about this with my girlfriends. When I did, she took over the conversation to talk about how her and her non-husband started trying last month. And she had really hard time when she got her period. The rest of the discussion was about her fertility process. I'm finding her narcissism really difficult to navigate as my exciting milestones and struggles always become about her. Do you have any advice on how to handle a friend

like this? How do you handle outgrowing someone when you're part of a group? I don't want to lose the dynamic we have or important relationships, but I find being around her empties my cup rather than fills it like she used to. She's not someone who is open to criticism or real conversation where I could address the issue, so I'm not sure what to do. Any thoughts would be appreciated. Love, a hurt friend. I'm sorry, Victoria. I almost think in some ways you're protected by the group and that you can start leaning on some of the others, pivoting a little bit towards some of the other people instead of her for these types of needs you have,

which are normal friendship needs, just talking about your life and your experiences and maybe doing more like one-on-ones with some of these other women in the group to build that relationship up a little more. I also think in group dynamics, there has to be a lot of acceptance for every single person knowing what they each come with. Everyone comes with their own baggage and a bunch of bad stuff. It's also really tempting for the rest of the group to then like pile on when one person's doing something that people don't like, but it'll be you at some point too. And it'll be somebody

else's mind. Like there's always something. For me anyway, it's really helpful to just have acceptance. Like when she does the thing, you know she's going to do. Yeah. You knew she was going to do it. You just accept that about her. It doesn't mean you have to like make her your best friend or you can definitely have boundaries around your personal relationship with her, but it won't maybe stir you up as much

if you can just say, that's just who she is. Everything you're saying is right. I think if she truly is, again, we're not in the business of diagnosing anyone, but if there is some narcissism there, it's very difficult.

It's not just, oh, this person is self-absorbed. Like they're not just an asshole. It's different. It's hard to have any sort of interactions. Yes. And it's disorienting.

They can also tend to be manipulative or deceptive or do things. For me, we're not even on my radar. All this to say that, you know, and we say this a lot, I think on the show of bringing it back to yourself too here, which is that sure, being able to label what's going on is super helpful. Being able to label how you're feeling about it is really helpful confiding in others as well. But what can you control in this situation? And one thing that I know that I had to work on, and even this came up

in therapy with someone that I was dating, I was like, whenever we were kind of in a group setting, he would just take up all of the oxygen, so to speak. In some situations, I didn't mind. And then in others, it was really hurtful because it was being around work people who I'm trying to, you know, whatever. And anyway, so there were instances where it became less tolerable for me. And she was like, why aren't you speaking? Why are you letting this person dictate where the oxygen and the oxygen go? Yes, exactly. And so I had to take ownership over my own actions and how obviously it's not to blame you for these situations that you're in and these conversations that you're stuck in with her. But you don't have to be in a conversation that you don't want to be in. You don't have to

talk about things that you don't want to talk about. And so remembering that you have agency and connecting to that and acting accordingly, I think will make this situation a lot more tenable for you. But that might also come with consequences, right? Like if you're not just playing along with this person, they might get upset or annoyed or angry. So obviously, I'm not saying this is a risk-free situation. And in certain instances, it's just about removing yourself. It's not about necessarily being like, hey, you've been talking about this for an hour and like, you don't even need to confront them. You can remove yourself. I'm in a much better headspace when I remember my part and I don't need to do the dance. Narcissists need empathetic and sort of kind.

There's two parts. They're magnetic. Exactly. They're like magnets. Yeah. Knowing about that dynamic is also, I think, really important for people who find themselves in this because often it's not an accident. Like it's not. I know. That's a hard part of it to be like, oh, wow, there's a part that I play in this dynamic and I can change that.

I think that's potentially more common for a strong one-on-one relationship. Sure, than a group. Which I do think is very helpful because I think a lot of people listening perhaps are in one-on-one relationships with narcissistic people. So this is all really helpful. But a group setting is a bit different. And also remembering that not everyone in the group has to be the same level of connection. And it's sad. It's sad when relationships change and evolve. But to mourn that for yourself, that this relationship has moved into a different category, maybe a much more surface category, a person you can't go to and expect empathetic

reaction and know which friends can give you that and understand that one can't. And maybe they're good for something else and you can go to them for that. Maybe they're really fun and you can go have fun with them, but they can't be the person who gives you what you need emotionally. Yeah, it's really about acceptance. If you can get there, it's like 90% of it. And it's hard. And my comment about changing your part, it's not that it's going to change them. It's just that it's going to modify your own experience, but you can't change how they are. And again, particularly with these kinds of characteristics and qualities, they can change. I do think it's possible, but you can't do that for them.

Yeah. Good question. Great question. Yeah. Okay, let's see. What's next? Okay. Looking through your spouse's phone.

Ooh. Emma. We get so many. We haven't had Emma's. Or again, it's all our friend Emma. Yes. I'm just curious about your thoughts about going through your spouse's phone. I've

been with my spouse for over 10 years and genuinely have nothing to hide, yet it makes me feel angry when he goes through my phone. He can look all he wants. I'm not doing anything wrong, but the fact that he still feels the need to look bothers me deeply. I'm allowed to look through his phone, but I trust him and so I have no desire to. Last week, it occurred to me that he might do it way more than I'm aware of. He asked me about a person that was in my Facebook search history that he discovered while I was asleep. I know if I ask him to stop, he will take it like I'm trying to hide something, but I'm tired of not being trusted after doing nothing to deserve it. I also want him to feel secure in our relationship, but this is really starting to get to me. Thanks. This is an

incredible question. And we could talk about it for 17 hours, I think. I do think a lot of people who you ask this to will have differing opinions on it. So obviously we aren't the end all be all. And I have really strong opinions about privacy. No one can look at my phone. Same. You can't look at it. I'm sorry. Obviously, I'm single, so I'm not trying to hide something from a spouse. But even with that, I don't want you to look through my phone. I don't want anyone to look through my phone. It is mine. So private. It's so private. Just because you're in a relationship doesn't mean people have full, full, full access to every single thing about your life.

I'm not interested. Like, no. I've never wanted to look in someone's phone. Not any person, but like people I've been in long-term relationships with. I don't want to see your phone. And even sometimes when they would like show me something, like I almost feel uncomfortable when someone shows me something on their phone. Because I'm like, ooh, this is your text might come in.

Exactly. And it's yours. It's like your diary. I know. But even more intense. Yeah, even when someone the other day was showing me something on their phone, like a picture. And they're like, you can scroll. And I was like, I don't want to scroll.

I would never. My mom always says this. My mom is such a snoop. Like we literally call her Snoopy. Because my mom is so invasive. Have I told you this story? At Christmas a few years ago

when Mila, my niece, was like three or something. We were all downstairs. We had open presents. Mila was upstairs and all of a sudden we hear this loud bang and like crying.

Mila clearly had fallen off something, a bed or something like that. And so we all go running up. We're like, oh my God, we take care of her. We just kiss her boo-boo. My dad and my sister are like playing with her and I eventually like start coming down and I come down to my mom who didn't come up,

which is fine, whatever, there's three of us. And then my phone is three feet away from her. The screen is on. So I know she looked at it because the screen obviously was not like, and she's so bad at technology. This is the funniest part. She's the worst FBI agent

because she is like a boomer, you know, who doesn't know about technology, trying to pull off this kind of stuff. And I take my phone. I'm already like, what the fuck did she do? And then I open my texts and my texts are like scrolled down.

Oh my God. And I obviously confronted her. I was like, Mom, why did she do that? I mean, 17 hours of that could go into, but I think it's fear and wanting to know. Was she looking for something specific? She's just always

been worried about us. Like, I think she's just, this is a very dysfunctional way of doing that, but it's like monitoring and trying to know what's going on. And so now I refuse, even when we're like on a family vacation or like, she's like,

oh, I want to see the photos. I'm like, I will send them to you. I don't give her my phone. And then once, because I knew that she did this, I was dating someone and I told him the story and he was like, let's do a prank on her. And it was Christmas. It was a Christmas after that. And so then I changed his name to Barack Obama in my phone. And then I gave her my phone to add photos. And then I told him to text me at that time. And then it said, you know, we're really interested in you running. Like it was like a thing before the election. And she, to her credit, never said anything about it, but she probably still thinks that Barack Obama is texting me. So anyway,

don't look at people's phones. Don't look at people's phones, no matter what your relationship to them is. I just think it's a sign. If you do feel this impulse to check their phone, it's not about the phone. It's about something in the relationship. And like, go find that. What does make you nervous? But this is hard though, right? Because like, she's not the one doing it. So we have to help her figure out

how to address this with him. And I do understand that that's complicated because if you say, hey, I want my phone to be mine. It feels a little bit intrusive that you are always looking at it. For some reason, he is waiting to be mad about this.

Yes. That's such a good point. That's part of why people are doing this. They're looking for a reason to be upset or to prove something to themselves. I knew she wasn't trustworthy or I knew my instinct was right. So it's complicated

because if you then say, I don't want you to look at it, he'll be like, why? Because I know because you're doing something and that's why I have to look at it. Yeah, that's such a good point. So this is hard.

Like, I don't actually know. I'm trying to think, what would I do? I also think the way that someone is about their phone, maybe the reason why I've never been like, show me your phone, is that I've not been with people

who were like cagey about it. And I think the fact that they were so willing to leave their phone out, and I was too, that probably played a part. But if I was with someone who was being weird about their phone, maybe then I would become that person

that I'm like, I'm not like that. That's true. Yeah, if you were with someone and he's weird about their phone, maybe then I would become that person that I'm like, I'm not like that. That's true. Like, yeah, if you were with someone and he's weird about his phone, then you're like, what are you hiding? Here's the truth. If they're hiding something on their phone, which means in their life,

what happens then? Then I find out and then we break up. I'll probably find out another way, a real way that this isn't the person for me. I think maybe something to say is, hey, I think we need to talk about this because I'm finding myself building some resentments around this dynamic with the phone. Again, like make it about you. When you're looking through my phone and then questioning me, I feel like I've done something wrong and I haven't. And so

then I'm left feeling inadequate or like I'm doing something wrong and I'm not. And that's such a hard place for me to be. So can we figure this out? Because it's not comfortable for me. Right. It's like a projection of his. It is. And it's really important for you not to take on that. That's not your task. Like again, if you were like, yeah, I've cheated before, even then you're not cheating on him and you're not doing anything. And so this is his issue. It's not yours. He's making it about you, but it's based on previous experiences or core wounds or whatever. He's putting that on you, but it's actually his issue. And to your point, I think it's saying like, I feel uncomfortable and I feel like I'm being indicted over something that maybe happened to

you before in a previous relationship, but it's not happening in this relationship. How can we reassure you so that you're not doing that? And I do feel that if people are, this is complicated, but if you are with someone who you know has cheated before or with other people or whatever, like, you know, that's in the history. And so you feel not just protective, but you feel entitled to have full access. I really understand that impulse, but I don't think it's helpful. I don't think it's actually helpful to be monitoring your partner ever. And also, again, searching for evidence. It doesn't breed a healthy, equal relationship. I think that's something to say to him. Like, I understand it.

I know it's coming from a fear. So let's figure out how to alleviate this fear. Because right now, me feeling monitored doesn't make this relationship better. It makes it worse. I think that's great. We got there. That was hard.

That's hard. It's hard. It's so common. Yeah. My God. Tale as old as time. It is. Well, it's a tale as old as the iPhone.

Yeah, exactly. What's hard is that there's so many stories of people finding out that way. I feel like now it almost vindicates people to do something like that. I'm with you where that feeling, I never want to feel. Exactly. It's about your own journey through life. It's not about, I need to find out from this person or what's this person doing to me. It's if I feel like something feels not right

in this relationship, or I'm wondering if this person is committed to me or they're betraying me in some way, going to like search for evidence is not going to feel good. You can confront it. And if they say yes or no, if they say no, nothing's happening and you still feel like something is, you might have to just end that relationship because that relationship isn't good for you. You're always in your head about it. Right. Whether he is or isn't or she is or isn't, you don't feel safe there regardless. Yeah. I had a friend recently, they're going through a thing and like she, whatever, had this text conversation with this guy and then he was like, read me the texts.

And then she read him the text verbatim and like, then he started crying. And like, that whole thing is like, oh no. There just should never be a circumstance where I'm reading you my text to someone. I just, It's so invasive. It is. And it's like if you're at that point, there's so many levels before that that you need to go like address. Exactly. Yeah. It's hard. Okay. Let's see if

we have time for one more small guy. Yeah. Definitely not that one. You always say that. Not a small guy. I have to pee really badly. Are you going to pee? Should I pee? Yeah, go pee.

And leave the door open? Are you going to? Well, there is no door. I'm going to do it because I want to get there with you. Yeah. Where we do it in the same room. You can model the behavior you want. You can read it while I pee.

Okay. We're all going to hear it, right? No, I don't think. Well, if you're self-conscious about that. Okay. Why don't you just pee and then I'll read the question. Okay. It's so funny. I've never had to pee in an episode. Okay. Okay. This one's quick. Quickie, quickie. Are your therapists, are your therapists, psychotherapists, psychologists,

or psychiatrists? Good question. This is from Isabella. Hi, Monica and Liz. Not necessarily an advice question, but after listening to the OTs are okay, I was wondering if you'd be willing to share what type of therapist you have. I've had the same one for several years, a psychotherapist, not psychology PhD, and have been contemplating finding a new one that has more experience or could offer me the specialized help I need for my depression and anxiety. This is a good question. Really good. What's yours? Psychologist, right? And I have EMDR therapist. Right. I have two because I'm nuts. No, because you're smart and you're looking after yourself. Mine is, I'm going to look. Licensed clinical psychologist, LCP. She's also licensed marriage and family therapist.

clinical psychologist, LCP. She's also licensed marriage and family therapist. She went to Harvard. She did? She's so smart. Whoa. She got a BA in psychology from Harvard. She earned a master's in clinical psychology and then has a doctor of psychology. Damn. Gosh, she's so cool. So she is all degreed up, but I don't know. Maybe I should look. What is Orna? Orna? Orna from couples therapy. Oh, good. I love that. She went to NYU

postdoctoral program in psychoanalysis. Oh, psychoanalysis. Yeah, she is. Right. We've talked about this. Psychoanalyst. Because that's a different type

and that goes more into your history. Yes. Family. As opposed to CBT. So I would say regardless of the type. Well, first of all,

psychiatrists are for medication only. I have one of those too. Yes, so psychiatrist diagnosis, right? Your psychologist obviously can do a lot with you, but they're not in the business of diagnosing, prescribing medication, all that stuff. I have yet to find like a psychiatrist that I'm like, you fully get me. Like, yeah, I find psychiatrists that I'm like, you fully get me. Like, yeah,

I find psychiatrists can be, well, that's not true. I did find one in New York. He was very expensive and I couldn't afford to see more regularly. He was more holistic, but sometimes they can be, what's the word? Straightforward. It's really about medication. Well, it's their doc. To me, I place them in a much different category. It's like, that's a doctor I go to for my medication. I'm not going to mine for therapy. We talk, but it's mainly to figure out my medicine. Right. And I would never have a psychiatrist without having a therapist for me personally,

or a psychologist, because that's your day-to-day. But a psychotherapist, do they not have degrees? They don't have a degree. Sometimes they have a license or something like that, but they're not trained with that kind of degree. And again, some people with degrees are not great. Yeah. And some people who don't have a degree are amazing. Yes. And vice versa, right? But yeah, one's not better than the other. It's just what I guess you get more comfortable with. But if you're saying you might want someone who has a little bit more of a specialty,

I really understand that because my current psychologist, she understands my particular issues in a way that my other one didn't. And I think it's just her training is more precise on the thing I specifically need. If you're looking for someone who really is pointed in depression and anxiety, I would search that out. Me too. Psychology Today actually has like a really good repertoire. Like you can go through therapists and again, different kinds of psychiatrists,

all that stuff. And then they'll tell you what their specialties are, LGBTQ specific issues or trauma, addiction, eating disorder. I think you should go as specific as possible. Me too. And try out people. Definitely try out people. And also if you have a friend or something who has a therapist that they love, I would actually not recommend seeing their therapist. I tried to do that once and

it was actually interesting. The therapist said they weren't like they couldn't see me, which I thought was, I really respect it. Or maybe she said like, I have to ask your friend first. And then I was like, I think we maybe keep this separate because I respect that. But if they really like their therapist, a lot of them are in groups. And so if you search that therapist and whatever group they're in, you can find a lot of them and you can read up on them and see their different, you know, like modes. My therapist, she's my friend's therapist too. Like she doesn't mind.

But for those who do, often they will have a recommendation. Exactly. They won't just like leave you hanging. And you can ask also, do you have any recommendations for this specifically? Exactly. I would seek that out because there's nothing wrong with your OT. But if she's not giving you exactly what you need, or you're not leaving every week and thinking like that was helpful,

then it's money down the drain. Like go, go. This is for you. Of course. Yes, 100%. Don't stay in it for too long when it's not working out. Yeah. All right.

Well, this was, this was really fun. This was a journey. It was a doozy. It was a pootie. Yeah. You peed. I peed. You super journey. It was a doozy. It was a pootie. Wow, you peed. I peed. We were here. And we have one more episode next week before we take a little break for the holiday. And then we'll be back. So we'll see you next week. Yeah. See you. Love you. Bye.