Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Maxing Out

Episode Date: November 29, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Liz and Monica discuss an important vacation hack, Monica shares her infamous fetish with Liz, and they debate the validity of a 'twin flame'. The two answer listener questions on giving unsolicited career advice and what to do when you break the trust of a friend. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I bought it at Lazy Acres the bar section it's so sexy it is it turns me on I feel like I'll meet my soulmate at Lazy Acres it has the vibes

oh also I leave for London I have to go to London. Oh, my God. For my film on Sunday. On Sunday, as in like in two days? Yeah, I know. It's kind of nuts.

And then you're back in a week? I'm back in a week, yeah. I decided to stay a week. And my two producers and I are just like, let's just like… Bye. London, London. Oh, my God.

Hoera. Yeah, British. I'm so happy for you. I have restaurant racks. You do? Wait, British. I'm so happy for you. I have restaurant racks. Wait, yes. Where did you stay? You stayed on the… Last time I stayed at the Canot, which is in Marleybone.

Ooh. Yes. It was so nice. Okay. Do you ever split up hotels on trips? I literally thought about doing it and pulling a Monica and telling them like, do you guys want to stay? Because I loved a hotel, but it was only available for half of the time. And one of the people on the trip is a wheelchair user. And oh my God, I, you know, never have to do

the work of finding an accessible hotel or accessible room. And it's, I think every non-disabled person should have to do it to realize just how much of a pain it is. So the hotel that was, you know, had the accessible room, only an accessible room for a certain amount of time, or the hotel that's accessible doesn't have the accessible room available. It's nuts. Like, so we found a place. So anyway, but all this to say that I almost suggested, you know, it's the official term, pulling a Monica, and they didn't know what that meant. I think we need to spread the word. Okay. What are the pros and cons? Okay.

Because I only, I just think of cons. Like, I'm like, oh, I have to move all my stuff. But what are the pros? Okay. Well, I feel, I feel responsible to say, I don't think we can call it pulling a Monica. Okay. Because I learned it from someone.

Oh, I see. And it would be appropriation. Yeah, cultural appropriation. It's probably not cultural appropriation because he's a tall, white, straight see. And it would be appropriation. Yeah, cultural appropriation. It's probably not cultural appropriation because he's a tall, white, straight man. Uh-huh.

Reverse cultural appropriation. Yeah, yeah. I think it would be more just not giving credit where credit is due. And you know, that's a big trigger for me. When white, tall men

don't get... Did you say he's tall or did I make that up? Yeah, he is very tall. What's his name? Give him the credit. I wonder if he'll be mad. I don't, he is very tall. Okay. What's his name? Give him the credit. I wonder if he'll be mad. I don't think he will.

Max. Okay. Not Dax. I'm not doing like a pseudonym. Dax would love for me to say it was him. Max. I think we should maybe call it Maxing Out. That's good.

That's good. I love that. Maxing Out. Maxing Out means when you go to a destination, you do some nights at one hotel and then you do other nights at another hotel. I learned this because Callie, Max, and I went to San Sebastian last year.

Last summer, I think. Last summer, yeah. And we went, he planned the whole thing, which was unbelievable. It's his favorite food town in the world. And San Sebastian has the most amazing food. And it has, I think, I might get this wrong, but luckily we don't have a fact check on this show. I think it has the most like Michelin star restaurants

per capita or something, per square mile, something. There's a ton of them. Wow. So he planned all these reservations and then he made the hotel reservations. And I was like, oh, this is interesting. We're doing two hotels. And at first I thought it was just because one area was really far away or something, but it wasn't.

Oh, it was on purpose. Yeah, it was on purpose. He maxed out on purpose. Okay, maxing out is you have to deliberately do it. It's not just like you're shoved into a corner to do it. It's a deliberate decision Yeah, he was on purpose. He maxed out on purpose. Okay, maxing out is, you have to deliberately do it. It's not just like you're shoved into a corner to do it. It's a deliberate decision. For him, it is. Because he loves this one hotel and it's really close to town.

You can walk to town and that's when like you do all these like cool kind of tapas. They call them pinchos there, eating. And the other has this insane view over the ocean. And there's a Michelin star restaurant in the hotel. And it's very architectural and cool. So the hotels offer very different pros. A big pro is that you just get two different types of things happening in one trip. And for me, what I realized is it really elongated the trip.

Because then I did it in New York, which is why you wanted to call it pulling a Monica, but really it's maxing out. I stayed at the Carlisle for a couple of days and then I stayed at the Bowery for a couple of days and it made the trip feel so much longer than it was. Wow. Interesting. Because you're diversifying. And also while you're at one place, you're looking for like, this is just step one. Exactly. You're not counting down the days of your trip. That's what I do sometimes as soon as I get to the place.

I'm just like, oh my God, only four days left. Oh, only three days. Like I freak out a little bit. So this kind of disrupts that thinking because then you're on a different train of thought, which is okay, in two days, I'm going to go there. That's how time, right? They talk about how to make time feel like it's passing slower, which is something we're all trying to do all the time with, you know, in some anti-aging longevity studies, whatever,

like optimization. But there's ways that they've found out like how to make your weekend last longer is just to do more things. So if you, you know, obviously sometimes I just want to veg out and I don't want to do anything and I don't want to go and, you know, I just, I want to be, right? But the weekends where I felt sometimes like the most like,

ugh, kind of dragging my feet going out even though I don't want to do it. When the weekend's over, I'm like, oh my God, it felt like more than two days. Whereas if I don't do anything and I kind of veg out, then it, I don't know,

it doesn't feel as, because basically time is time obviously, but it's totally subjective the way that we measure it. So one minute could go by when we're eating ice cream and it will go by super fast because the ice cream is so good. And then one minute will go by where we're getting a transvaginal ultrasound and it feels like 10 minutes, right? Because it's painful. And it's like, so it's like tricking your brain a little bit. And so I think that's what maxing out is doing. You're kind of tricking your brain to feel like it's longer, even though you're not there longer. Yeah. It's two trips in one. Yeah. But see, I'm such a creature of habit. Even going to one hotel, changing beds for me

is a whole thing. A big deal. And the first night, I probably won't sleep well. I'll need a little Benadryl or something like that. And then the second night, I'll kind of get used to all the things and the sounds. And like the first night I probably won't sleep well. I'll need a little Benadryl or something like that. And then like the second night I'll kind of get used to all the things and the sounds and like, and then I'd be like moving. So I'd have to figure out how to manage that. It might not be for everyone. Maxing out might not be for everyone. I don't know. That's a really good question because I don't have that when I'm in big cities. It really is about big city travel. That's maybe fair to say. If I'm going big cities, it really is about big city travel. That's maybe fair to say. If I'm going to Hawaii, I want to go to a nice hotel and then just be there.

Sure. Relax. Yeah. Not move. But big cities, I always feel restricted. I'm like, there's not enough meal times. There's not enough. I want to go to multiple hotels because there's so many that are cool and so many that are fun. Right. And you're discovering a whole new neighborhood too. Exactly. That's a huge part of it. It is. Wow. Okay. Maxing out. You might accidentally have to max out if you want to go to this hotel. What hotel? I'll cut it if you want. Maybe you don't have to cut this. In order to stay in accessible, like again, accessibility, there's like a tax. I just

thought my friend, if she's listening, she's going to hate this. I like again, accessibility, there's like a tax. I just thought my friend, if she's listening, she's going to hate this, but I always thought, oh, she's just always staying in nice hotels. Oh, like bougie. Yeah, like me. Yeah.

I was like, oh, she must have like expensive tickets. That's pulling a Monica. There we go. That's the difference. Yeah. And sometimes you can do both.

You can max out and pull a Monica. Wow. Good for you. If you can do that. Yeah, there's a lot of opportunities, people. But yeah, I just thought, oh, she must be,

she just has like, she likes to stay in really nice places. Now that I've done the homework, I'm like, oh, and the most expensive hotel, when I get on the phone with them, they're like, oh, yeah, of course. Most of our luxury, whatever deluxe room are accessible. And actually they have an automatic door. So you just have to put your card and it opens by itself. And she's so nice and she has so many options. And it's because it's the most expensive hotel, you know? And so I kind of was like, wow. It's one of those things like, you know, they say on sets or maybe they don't say this. Maybe one person told me this, but there was like a lot of fighting on the set and the director was like, all right, everyone tomorrow is doing someone else's job. So like the sound

person is going to be the gaffer or, you know, the director is going to be the intern, right? Yes. And that gives you- It's like an episode of Full House. Is it? Do they do that in Full House? Yeah.

Did I forget that? Yeah. Isn't that seen every single episode? When the kids have to be the dads for a day. I don't remember that. Don't remember. I remember it so specifically

because they had to make peanut butter and jellies. The meal of the 90s. Thes. There was no other meal. They had to make dinner for them, I guess, or lunch. They made peanut butter and jellies. And then Danny Tanner was like, I want my crust cut off. And then, you know, they all are acting like children and being really annoying. And they all learned their lessons.

Oh, they always learned their lessons. Yeah, that's the thing. It always had the most on the nose, but like comforting. And you knew there was going to be the lesson at the end. I know. Even how manic it would get or how be like,

they're never going to get out of this one. They always did. Do you remember the one where Jesse Kitsopoulos is, that was his name, right? Uncle Jesse? Yeah. I think Kitsopoulos was his last name. Kitsopoulos. Uncle Jesse. Oh name, right? Uncle Jesse? Yeah. I think Kitsopoulos was his last name. Who's Kitsopoulos?

Uncle Jesse. Oh, that was his last name? Yeah. I don't know that. I don't know. It sounds… Yeah. I think it's right.

His uncle or something came into town. He was obsessed with his uncle. And I think his uncle died. He did on the show. Wow. You don't remember it. I really don't remember much. I really…

I mean, I haven't rewatched. Neither. Do you know what it's like? I'm rewatching Full House. I mean, honestly mean, I haven't re-watched. Do you know what it's like? I'm re-watching Full House. I mean, honestly, I'm like this close to just re-watching Full House. I'm just re-watching Friends. It's all I can take. I need

predictability. But maybe we re-watch Full House. I think some parts of it are going to be a little, I don't know if it cringy. I don't know if it holds up. I don't know if it holds. Do you remember that? Okay, I don't know. This might be too creepy, but like, I don't know how Uncle Jesse would like kiss them on the lips. Okay, this is interesting.

Okay. You mean the Mary Kay and Ashley? Yeah. I do remember that. But also, I don't know. I guess it's weird in context that it's a show and that an adult was kissing not his family on the lips. and that an adult was kissing not his family on the lips.

But in life, do you think it's weird for dads or uncles to kiss on the lips? This is a good question, actually. I'll say this, okay? I feel like when I watch stuff that happened in the 90s, whether it's an episode of Full House or like a home video we were watching with my family a couple Christmases ago. It was like our daycare. They had a Christmas, a Santa Claus come in and like give us presents or whatever. We're all watching together. And then all of a sudden Kat's brother is sitting on, you know, the lap of Santa Claus. And then he walks out and then someone says, give a kiss to Santa. And Santa kissed him on the lips. Okay, that's bad. But no one went,

oh my God. Everyone was like, woohoo. So I just feel like the 90s stuff was happening. It was different. It was a different time. And my position is I think it's up to the family and I think it's great whatever you want to do. I don't have any qualms about it, but it's not the most mainstream put it on TV. It's not the model that we should be making people obey to. It should be the thing that you want to do if you want to do it. But that it's so normalized, I think, is maybe a little. I don't know. I find this conflicting because I used to kiss my dad on the lips, I think, until I stopped saying goodnight at night. Oh, when did you stop saying goodnight?

I don't remember how it happened or when it happened, but I used to before bed every night, go find my dad and say goodnight. And we would kiss. See? I know, but it's not. I know, I know. I don't think it's gross. It wasn't gross at all.

I would give him a kiss. That phrasing does sound weird. We would kiss. You're right that phrase of go give someone a kiss was common and now it's especially with gentle parenting and the way that I think kids are being raised

I feel like I've seen Instagram carousels about this even like a hug that you shouldn't have to force a child to be affectionate I agree and I've heard that too. But also Dax kisses the kids on the lips all the time. I kiss Delta on the lips. It's just like the

way those relationships progress. Totally. So it's not a blanket. It's for everyone to know their comfort level, I guess. Totally. But I definitely don't think there's anything wrong with it. I don't think there's anything wrong with it. Except stranger. I mean, I do think if it's a stranger and a Santa and the kid is being told to, that's disgusting.

Things that happened in the 90s, I want to think back. I mean, just also the way we were eating and also the way we're eating now is also nuts. I think it's like, now we can't eat gluten, we can't eat anything. We can't eat anything. And it's like, well, we were pounding glasses of milk. I know. And glasses of orange juice. I remember those cereal commercials where it was just a 7 million calories. Start your day with just sugar.

Pure sugar. And then your drink is sugar. And then two pieces of toast with butter. I'm like, what? No protein. Or cinnamon sugar toast. Cinnamon sugar toast. Just a bunch of butter on bread

and then dumping sugar and cinnamon all over. I loved it. Yum. What was your favorite cereal? Oh, I love when all of our worlds, our armchair worlds collide. It happens sometimes.

It's really fun. We have a flightless bird on cereal. I don't know if it's coming up or it came out already, but my favorite is Life. Currently or in the past? Currently. And not in the past. When I was young. I was going to say you were so adult. No. No kid. If a kid has Life as a favorite cereal

or something. Oh, it's so good. It's also so sugary. I feel like it's not. Isn't it kind of like Shreddy's? No, you're thinking of shredded wheat. Oh, okay. Life kind of looks a little bit like shredded wheat. It's much thinner, but it has a bunch of sugar. Now, if I eat it, I eat it for dessert. Okay, but back then,

I liked Honey Nut Cheerios. Go-to. So good. I still love it. I still love it, too. I want it, actually. I want it right now. Can we order?

Can you Uber Eats? Is that it? Why can't you order cereal? You probably can from like Holiday Inn. I love those little breakfasts. I know. Where you make your own pancake. I love it. I can't. If there is one at a hotel, I have to have it. Even now post-COVID, germ-wise, I feel like it just- But no one really uses it. I feel like it's usually underused. That's why I feel bad. I

feel like I want to give it some love. You're codependent. Codependent's so awful. Well, we made our way back around to hotels, which is we left it open. So you were saying everyone should switch jobs and you were saying it because we really do need to see what it's like to have to be in this world with a disability.

Yes. I kind of thought I knew or I knew, but I didn't know. And yesterday I was so annoyed. I was like, and I kept wanting to just And yesterday I was so annoyed. I was like, and I kept wanting to just text her or call her and be like, oh, so it's all UK numbers. So half of them aren't answering or like, and I kept getting mad and I was like, I'm feeling this on a visceral level. This is so frustrating. And it's kind of unfair. This shouldn't be

the way that it is. But you found a hotel that's not, it has to be a nice one. Yes. It's a nice one in Shoreditch. Because I love Shoreditch. You know, I used to live in London when I did my graduate. Did I know that? I've never talked about it. But like you, well, like, you know, I did school in London, right? I think I just knew about Denmark. I keep, Denmark.

I went a lot of places. Okay, so you lived there. I lived there, yeah. And I lived in Islington, like Angel, like so close to Shoreditch. So I really wanted to like go back. That's fun. Have you been to Brat in Shoreditch? What's Brat?

It's an insane restaurant. Okay. They're known for their whole fish. They grill this whole fish and it's unbelievable. And like, I don't know. I think they just put like salt pepper, but the way they do it, it comes out and it's so flaky. It has zero fishy taste at all.

And it's a white fish. It's so good. And they have these amazing sides. These like peppers. Oh my God. It's one of the best meals. And the shopping in Shoreditch is… I just remember there'd be like really cool markets.

Like vintage stuff. Yeah, vintage stuff. And I'm remember there'd be like really cool markets and like vintage stuff. Yeah, vintage stuff. And I'm just excited to be not here. It's going to be nice to escape a little bit. That was something I was going to ask you. You went to an event last night. I was supposed to go and I put the wrong thing in the calendar. It happened. I'm sorry. Well, because you didn't come, I ended up, okay, so I invited a friend who's in town and then I kind of almost fainted. I wasn't feeling great, but I thought like, okay, it's fine. I'm just probably stressed or feeling whatever. And so then I was like, I'm going to pass out. Wait, what? While you were there? Yes, while I was at the event. I had one little sip of a,

now I'm like, I kind of had one sip of a drink. That's okay. I know, I know, because I'm trying not to, but whatever, I'm like. It shouldn't be for anyone else. Right, you're right.

So I had one sip and then I was like, oh, I really don't feel well. And we were standing, I was like, can we sit down? Like, I couldn't like stand, but I was like, oh, sitting down is fine.

But then I stood up and I was literally seeing patches of black and like the room was spinning. Oh my God. And so but I was like oh sitting down is fine like I'm good but then I stood up and I was literally seeing patches of black and like the room was spinning my god and so then I was like I'm gonna pass out and then my friend took care of me and so who's your friend I don't think you know him he's like 10 years younger than me really sweet we ended up making out like like we had like a whole it was a really but almost like I, I know, I know, I know. But yeah, it was like one of those like, he's so sweet and so kind. He was doing everything to help me. Give us deets. So you were, and you said, I'm going to pass out.

Yeah, yeah. Well, I basically was saying goodbye to the artist, Alexandra Grant, who's amazing. Shout out. And I was talking to her and I legitimately was like, I'm going to either throw up on her or I'm going to fall down. And so I, as I'm walking out, I'm telling him like, I'm going to pass out. I don't know. Sometimes this happens. It doesn't happen very often, but I just basically need to get, I have to put my head between my legs. Like it's one of those pressure. I don't really know what it is, but it helps when I put my head between my legs. And so I did that outside.

It was so New York, by the way, like I feel like in LA people are so proper. Like you never see people cry in public in LA and in New York, it's a regular, like people are kind of a mess, you know? Well, they have to be.

They have nowhere else to go. They have nowhere else to go. They don't have cars and we both don't have a car so we were just kind of outside of this event on this bench, you know,

and then we were just, I was just lying on, you know, on his lap and then he was like, you know, caressing me, not in a sexual way, but, but like, Didn't he say, give me a kiss? No, we just kind of were looking each other's eyes. I was like, thank you so much. And he was like, you're amazing. And then we just started kissing. I was like, wow. Okay. But then we kept laughing about it. We were like, this is so, people are going to think we're like, but then we'd start laughing and then we'd like not do it.

And then we'd do it again. And then we who are watching out their windows probably think we're breaking up. We're like, I'm lying here. It looks like I'm crying, but then we're making out, but then we're not. Oh, my God. Wow. What a turn of events. I know. I was like, if Monica had come, this would have never happened.

Oh, man, thank God I didn't come. It was a blessing in disguise. Maybe. Maybe it was the universe. Did you feel embarrassed? Yes, of course. Not that you shouldn't feel embarrassed. No, of course.

But I just, I, that kind of thing is so triggering for me. It is. I felt awful. And that's why I was so, I kept saying, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And he was like, no, I just want to make sure you're okay. And what do you need? And what, you know, he just kept being so sweet.

Like golden retriever. What do we think happened? To me? Yeah. I don't know. I think it's a mix of my health stuff is up and down and then maybe stress. Did you eat enough? I did, but I woke, I've slept a lot the night before because I hadn't slept well the night before.

You know, it's just, I think it's, I was worried about not being able to come in today. And, but I woke up and I feel okay I really do I feel okay now you're probably not taking your element actually I haven't taken element so so that's the cause solves it electrolytes solve every if I had been there I would have that would have been the first thing I did yes that's true that's so true it's like I would have got water you would have have had Element with you. Oh, yeah. I have it on me. And then I would have just poured it and been like, Liz, drink this. Instead of my face in your mouth, I would have shoved Element.

Also, what I love about it is that it was like friends making out. Really? Yeah. I feel so, I feel the both of us know this is not a thing. And it was kind of nice. I was like, oh, we both just like want to hug someone. He's super attractive. Like, we're both attracted to each other. But we're also like, we both just like want to hug someone. He's super attractive. Like we're both attracted to each other,

but we're also like, we're not going to, you know. Date. Date. And it was kind of great. We are supported by Way. Liz, you just got back from a festive trip. I did. It was so great.

I went to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park and they had major major roller coasters. Fun. I love a little winter getaway. Me too. Getaway. Getaway. Oh my gosh. Yes. One thing about the winter is my hair gets very crunchy.

I guess it's the lack of humidity. It's just dry. It's drier and you're going to more things. So you're using more styling products, hairspray. That is really true. So it's good for right now to have like really good hair and body products. And there's a little slay. When my hair isn't cooperating, I can just use their oil and just make my hair just slick.

As slick as it's ever been. I use it for styling like a slick bun or something. But also I just like throw it in my hair and toss it in when it's feeling frizzy. And it's so nice. It helps with like the tangles and so easy. Don't miss your chance to get away this holiday season. Go to T-H-E-O-U-A-I.com for 15% off sitewide when you enter promo code SYNC. That's T-H-E-O-U-A-I.com.

15% off with code SYNC. I wish there was more of that. Me too. Of just making out with zero expectations. That's the fear on dates, right? Like there's pressure around the end. And I do think we've talked about this before. When we were younger, that wasn't as much of a thing.

There was less pressure because people were doing less of dating to see if that's going to be a partner. You're just like fucking around. You're having fun. That's so true. And it doesn't matter. And so you can just make out and then be done with it. But now we're at the age where it's almost, it's kind of impossible to do that.

I mean, you can tell yourself, oh, I'm just having fun. I'm just having fun. But in the back of your head, you know that you're looking for something specific. Yeah. It's like when you go into an audition and you tell yourself, I don't need it. I don't, I just like don't even need it. That is the way to book shows is to not need it. But you can't tell yourself to not need it because it's a lie. Of course. What you're saying is so true. And there's so much weight. Dating in your 20s or even before that, it's just, oh, I want to kiss you. I want to kiss you.

It's not like, oh, what does it mean? And what is this doing? Like, I wish I could have that brain back. Well, I never had it, by the way. Yeah. I never experienced that. That sucks for me. But I don't think I can now do it.

It's not like, well, I didn't do it then. So now I'll do it now. Now, no, I'm 36. And now it's time for a partner. Time to wrap this up. Or not have one. Yeah. But this like middle ground, I'm not all that interested in.

Do you feel like you can't do that because of how you feel or because of how it's set up, like the expectations of the other person? Could you just do it for fun? Or are you not able? I don't think so. I don't think I want to. I either want to be alone or be in a like committed relationship with security and TV shows at night and stuff like that

and companionship at a constant. And I know the only way to get there is through dating, but I don't like dating. I want to be at zero or 10. Same. I want to go straight to the sweat pan phase. Yeah. I want to have like two dinners and then like straight to, then we're not ever doing that again. Like watching couples therapy together. Exactly. That should be the first day. I almost suggested it to someone of like, do you want to come over and just watch the show?

But like, that is- Code for let's go make out. That's crazy. Oh, also, yeah. Yeah. But then not. As soon as you start that show, it's like not a romantic show.

But it is what I want to watch with someone and then talk about. I love this. I think we should both do that. I think we should both have dates where we watch couples therapy and then we see, because you're right,

there's an old blah, blah, blah. What do you like to do on the weekends? It's like you're going straight to what matters and how they respond to everything. How they respond to conflict, whose side they're taking, would give you a lot of... I know. I just think that's definitely crazy, but it is what I wish and want. People who tell me they love dating.

People love it. And also good for them. Yeah, you're right. I don't. I hate it. I would love someone who loves dating to give us their reasons so that I can understand. Because I would love to love dating. Past the age of like 27, 28, I was like, let's wrap this up. Yeah. It's hard.

Yeah. Okay, so the make out, so he didn't have the smell. No. Thank God. He had the opposite. Wow. It was great.

What a great evening. Yeah, I mean, again, I almost passed out. I didn't. And then I got a make out out of it. That's so scary. Have you ever fainted? Yeah, it's so scary. It is. You're like, what's my body

doing? I have like PTSD from it. When did you faint? It's like having a panic attack or something like that, right? You're like, are you afraid that it'll happen again? Keep happening. Yeah. Yes. I lived here. I was babysitting for this family. And I don't know what happened. We had been walking a ton. So maybe I probably was low on electrolytes or something weird.

It was before I knew. And I was babysitting and it was like, luckily, thank God, the very end. And the mom had come home and I like sat up and I felt this weird sort of like rush of sensation. I was like starting to pass out, but I wanted to just get out. Yes. Because the idea of someone else seeing me in that sort of vulnerable position is such an, it's a deal breaker. 100%. So I was just like, bye. Like I just like walked out

as I'm like stumbling out of there. Like crazy. And then I get in my car and then I was like, I can't. Thank God I had some level of humility. Like I allowed myself to be vulnerable enough. I went back in. Okay, good.

And I like kind of like, kind of just like fell over. And I feel so bad for the mom because she was like, what's going on? Like she was so panicked. Oh, I feel so bad for you. It was so embarrassing.

But it's not embarrassing. It feels like it in the, obviously in the moment, same thing where I was like, I have to get out of here. No one can see this. Yes. Nick can see it maybe.

But even then I was still like, I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine. And while I'm, you know, just dying. So she took care of you. And she gave me some probably juice. Yeah. As all moms do.

And it was fine. I don't know what it was, probably just body doing weird stuff. But I was already at that time in life, I was so anxious. It was when I was having panic attacks and stuff. So it just made it so much worse because then I had so much anxiety about passing out. Oh, yeah. So thank God that phase is over. But it feels horrifying. It's horrifying. Yeah. Why?

Some people like fainting. Yeah. Some people love fainting. Love it. I mean, I feel like we're both like this, where I power through. Sometimes to your point, I'm like, why am I even powering through this?

Like it's, I could just, yeah, I could have passed out at Fred Siegel. You know what I mean? Like in front of, I mean, the artist is so sweet. Nick was there, like, you know, I wasn't on live television. You know what I mean? Like it would have been fine, but I was like, I cannot, it's almost like, I felt like I couldn't do that to her in a weird way. Right. Like ruin the evening. Yes. Like you'd be the reason. Or I'd be like the center of attention, even though like I'm bad. Yes. I can't help it.

It's not like I want to fall and get attention, but it's gonna happen. So I feel like when I get in that mode, or again, feel like I'm gonna throw up, something in my body happens where I just go, no, it's probably bad. It is probably bad. We talked about this last week, shyness.

It's something connected to that of I don't want to be the center of attention. I don't want a bunch of people to see me in a vulnerable state. Well, on top of it, right? That you're not just like, it's also being weak, right? You're falling down. And I think for me, you can't even stand up. You're right. It's weakness. And I think what I think is worse and definitely comes from being a kid is like, I would feel gross or like ugly. You can't faint cute.

It's ugly. I feel like you'd still be really cute. No. I've never seen you in a situation where you weren't cute. Even like post egg freezing, like you're always cute. You saw I've never seen you in a situation where you weren't cute. Even like post egg freezing, like you're always cute. You saw me not faint. I didn't faint, but I was in a compromised state. And I brought you juice. Yeah, you did. It was so sweet, but I wasn't embarrassed. You weren't? In front of you. No, I wasn't. That makes me feel good. But we weren't in public. It's something

about being in public. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I hate it. I'm like an animal that just needs to go die on its own. Yeah. Don't see me like this. Yeah. That is bad. I think we're trying to come off as strong and not- Like perfect. Yes. And we're not comfortable when people take care of us or people have to. Are you comfortable in relationships when people are taking care of you? I think so. I am actually. I haven't been in a long-term relationship with someone who wouldn't. There's people I've dated who I would have felt bad to be sick in front of

because I think they didn't have the capacity or the interest. But in long-term relationships, yes. It's still hard for them to see you in that way. But I've been lucky that they've always been very, even last night with Nick, like because Nick was so, what do you need?

What can I do? And I felt like I wasn't putting him out. I felt the opposite. Like he just really wanted to help. He wanted to take care of you. Yes. And so that, you know,

I hope when we were together and you weren't feeling well, that then that cancels out that feeling of, you know, having to apologize, which obviously I did, but still I didn't feel the need to make it up to him or something like that.

Right, well, you made it up to him. I did. I mean, we made it up to each other. It made me feel better. Yeah, that's so great. Have you ever... Wait, what about you? Do you feel...

Well, I've never had one. But with close friends and family and stuff? I still don't like people seeing something very vulnerable, like puking or shitting or something. I need to be on my own for that. But I'll let people like, you know, peek their head in and bring juice. And yeah, I guess. So maybe middle ground. But what's so funny is I love nurturing. Like I love, well, that's the whole like weird fetish. What do you mean? So. Wait, you know about my weird fetish. You don't know about this? Really? No. Wait, what? I can't believe you don't know that. I mean, this is like

Taylor's oldest time. People know it who are listening probably. So sorry. Sorry to have to hear this again. But I have been thinking about it more lately. So maybe it's good we're talking about it. When I was young, very young, age five, six, seven, I would have like fantasy about kids in my class, mainly boys, being so sick. And I was there to like help and console them and be a caretaker. But it was like sexual. You were like a sexy nurse?

Yeah, I was a sexy nurse. But it's weird because I was so young to have already had those feelings. already had those feelings and they continue. I still have a little bit of it. I find men who I think are really hot when they're in like vulnerable states, I get physically aroused. It's really weird. I know, I know, I know. You get aroused by them being sick or aroused by the idea that you would take care of them being that sick? Well, it's both. It's that they're sick and then the fantasy is then about me helping and being a part of it. Wow. What do you think that that's about? So now I think it's about my parents were fairly limited affection wise, but my mom is very nurturing. In those moments, like that's when it really shows up.

If I'm sick, she's there. Even now, if I'm sick, she's like checking in all the time and did you do this and make sure you do this. And she's so attentive in that. Like, I think that's how I perceive love as caretaking. But I don't know why it took the leap into sexual, into it turning sexual. But I guess because like love and sex are so in our mix, but not when you're that young. So I don't really know how that happened. I think, okay, so thank you for sharing that. That's so interesting. No, because first of all,

five or six is when I definitely started to have fantasy. I don't think I, well, I don't think I knew it was sex, but I definitely started touching myself. Like now I think back and I'm like, it's around that time that I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know it was sexual, but it was, right? Yeah. And so I don't think you should feel, you know, any kind of way. I mean, we are sexual beings, right? Yeah. Oh, yeah. And so I think that's totally normal. I also think that when you're caretaking, when someone is very ill, it means that they need you. And if they need you, they can't leave you. It's maybe somewhat related to that, right? I think it's related to that. But it's also, to to me indicative of everything we just said. It's trust.

So if someone is in their most vulnerable state and they're allowing me to be there, they trust me. Like it's just a level of intimacy that's so heightened and extreme. And so that level of intimacy is appealing to me. So you were imagining boys of your age at that time being like your crushes basically being sick? I guess, but I don't think I designated them as crushes at the time. Like I didn't know. And it was so funny because it would always happen. It was like, I would always go into it before bed and I would get so excited before bed to close my eyes and enter this world and just like play the tape. My tape starts around seven or eight, but same thing. And then I

couldn't sleep. I like had insomnia like as a kid. And my parents were like, what's wrong with you? And I was like, I would fantasize. What was your main focus of fantasy? I would fantasize about this one boy that I had a huge crush on. For me, it was not necessarily that they're sick and I'm taking care of them. It was just elaborate scenarios and movies in my head of like scenes of us, you know, being together and him falling in love with me. And I would just indulge and indulge, indulge, indulge. And same where I would get so activated that I couldn't sleep. I know. It was so exciting. Yes. But people do that still. I can fall into that even in my adult age.

Me too. And I think a lot of people do. It's a form of like all things, if it takes over your life and you're thinking about it while you're supposed to be doing something else or you want to be doing something else, then it's, you know. But I think we all want to escape a little bit. Anything can happen in your head. It's kind of incredible. It's incredible. They still pop up. I still have these dreams. Like it's not consistent. It's not nearly at all what it used to be. Probably because I do know now I offer more than just that. Like I think maybe that's, I was like, well, I don't have anything to offer other than I could help someone when they're sick

or something like that. So it's waned, obviously, because I don't think that anymore. Did you feel that way at five? I must have. And that's sad. It's not sad in a judgmental way. I think it's probably a core wound, you know, that began

from an early age and wasn't true, right? It's not representative of reality, right? But because you believed it from such a young age, it must come up in small ways that need to be retrained. Yeah. I mean, it's definitely like three steps away from Munchausen's. Like I just escaped that. Thank God. What's Munchausen? away from Munchausen's. Like I just escaped that. Thank God. What's Munchausen? Munchausen's disease

is when you make yourself sick. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. In order to be taken care of or for attention. It's a mental disease. Like it's not. And then there's Munchausen's by proxy

where like moms do it to their kids. Yes, I've heard about that. I mean, but I had the same, I had a very similar thing with my parents. When I was sick is when they, you know, you felt the most love. I felt, but I had the same, I had a very similar thing with my parents. When I was sick is when they, you know. You felt the most loved. I felt the most loved. Yeah. And like they were paying attention. Yeah. No, it's like, I mean, I'm sure many people feel this way. Yeah. And

just growing up in a society, even if you have great parents. Yes. Which we both do. We both do. They're overwhelmed by all of the demands. Well, again, full house 90s era. Different era. Yeah. A lot of stuff was happening. A lot of stuff was happening. There wasn't even the tools necessarily for them to know. It's too hard. I know. And sometimes it's like, I wish I could be a parent. We've talked about this. I wish I could be a dad in the 90s. That would be a clear, I can have kids, obviously. And I would have already done it because it's like easy. And now it's, you know, there is a lot more thought into parenting and that's a great thing, but it's also, oh my God, it's just the amount of things you're supposed

to know and read and do, the apps to track the farts and the burps and the peeing and the pooping and the sleeping and the... And are they a psychopath? Like my parents never wondered if we were psychopaths. Like I'll be wondering from day one if my kid is a psychopath and I'll be looking for signs. Looking for signs. Or like the four major personality disorder or, you know, abnormal disorders.

I think I'll be like always scared. I'm just also scared I'm going to make someone who's an asshole. You know? You won't. You won't. I was talking to this with Elizabeth and Andy. Shout out. Nobody's listening, right?

Speaking of, I'm wearing their merch right now. It's so cute. It's a cute little merch, right? Yeah. I had dinner with them. And they were talking about the documentary on Twin Flames. There's a documentary about... Do you know the cult?

I know Twin Flames. Wait, Twin Flames, the thing where someone's your soulmate? Exactly. It's a cult. It is? Yeah. It's a cult started by these two people. And they took the concept of Twin Flames,

which is like you have one soulmate out in the world. And then they've made it a thing where like, you know, you can buy in and find your soulmate. And this is how you connect with them. And you can't live without them. And it doesn't matter what the obstacles are. Maybe they're married. Doesn't matter.

You still go for it. And you still, they have like twin flames university that like teaches're married. Doesn't matter. You still go for it. And you still, they have like Twin Flames University that like teaches you this. Wow. Yes. And it's a cult. So they were telling me about that, which is so insane.

But do you believe in Twin Flames? You don't believe in it? No. Okay. I do. Liz. I didn't know it was a cult though. You're so susceptible.

Do you believe in soulmates? I do, but I don't believe in the conventional concept of them. I don't believe there's one person for you. I think there are people you meet in life and people in the world who you have like a celestial connection with. But I don't think it's one person. And I think it can be in so many forms.

I think some people's soulmate is their mom. It has nothing to do with romance. It's just like you're connected somehow on another level with a person. That's why when Dax and I say we're soulmates, that's what we mean. And that's what I mean with Delta too. Like there's something extra happening. Yeah. That is not tangible. I can't really put into words. It's celestial. So I believe in that,

but I don't believe in there's one person for you. You do. No. Well, I believe in multiple soulmates too. Okay. I feel that there are many, again, I think it's plural, like in my life where it's like you meet someone.

I felt that way even, I don't know if we're soulmates, but like I, when I met you, I felt like I already knew you. I was like, oh, we know each other already. For sure. I feel that way too. Right? That to me kind of the closest thing to a soulmate. Yeah. And again, I think there can be few.

Twin Flames is interesting to me because Twin Flames is like, okay, from what I understand from Megan Fox talking about it. She would talk about Machine Gun Kelly being that them being Twin Flames. Also, I'm not in any way looking to them for. They're not your North Star. They're not my North Star, but she brought it up, whatever. And I was like, oh, what's a Twin Flame? And then I researched it and I thought it was an interesting concept. Tell us more, tell me more. From what I understand, it's twin flame is sort of the person that's there to bring to light

the vulnerabilities and the pain that you prefer to never acknowledge or never sort of open up. And so the twin flame relationship to me is a little bit different than soulmate where it can be a kind of, not chaotic, but very ups and downs and very intense and you love but you hate them and you, you know, I found that that was like an interesting concept that at the time I remember I was,

you know, in a relationship with someone, it helped me kind of put a label on the experience, basically. And then there's fake twin flames. Oh, God. Which then like you think that they're your twin flame, but then they're not. They're actually there to show you who you are and the things that you hate about them are the things that you have. That's just life though. Sure. I really find that the first one, the regular twin flame, extremely dangerous. Because it normalizes a toxic relationship. Exactly. It's an incredibly unhealthy relationship that you're giving a power to by saying, oh, well, I met this person because of this.

And actually this is in some ways good because it's not. But it's not necessarily good. That's the thing. Twin flame is, again, from what I understand from fucking three articles I read. And I mean, it's cool in the comments,

but it is not a stay with them, they're your twin flame, actually. For me, it was a helpful way to be like, oh, this is not who I'm, I'm not supposed to make it work with this person. And the second thing I'll say is also, I think that toxic relationships, obviously, if you're in one, you need the people around you to acknowledge

that you have been victimized, whether it's abuse or neglect or whatever it is, like you need that validated. Yeah. I also think that those relationships can be there to also show you what you need to do differently, right? And what you tolerate, that is also for me, the use of a twin flame of like, oh, I tolerate this and that's why this person is treating me that way.

And so it's reflecting my wound, my stuff basically. Oh, yeah. But I understand how it can wound, my stuff, basically. Oh, yeah. But I understand how it can be, you know, we don't want to romanticize. That's my fear. Yes. Not to slander anybody, but Megan Fox is in that video clip with Eminem about that song. And Rihanna, I love the way you lie. Is that the song?

Where it's just them talking about basically a super toxic, abusive relationship. And it's very, I remember at the time being like, this romanticizes. And so I think it can teeter around that. Yeah, totally. But it's a cult. It's a cult. The doc is on this cult. And the conversation was,

how do we make sure our kids don't join cults, basically. And I was like, look, I don't think anyone thinks their kid's going to join a cult. So I don't mean to offend anyone whose kid has joined a cult. It's not your fault. It's not your fault, Good Will Hunting.

But I don't think your kid is going to be bad. And I don't think Elizabeth and Andy's kids are going to join cults because they have very attentive parents who are going to give them the appropriate amount of what they need. The reason people join cults is because they're seeking.

They need something. It's like it's based out of a true need. Lack. Yeah. And so if you have two parents who are hyper aware of their children's needs, I think you're okay. And not saying you have to like give your kid everything they want. That is not obvious. I

hope that's obvious. But needs are different than wants. And when people join cultists, because there's like an actual need missing. So I think they're in the clear. And I think you're in the clear because you're going to be aware. I hope so. I don't think you can do anything about sociopath or psychopath. Well, you know that there's a whole documentary about that, about an Alex Gibney documentary. I think it's on HBO. And it's about how sociopaths,

it is a thing in your brain, right? They can do brain scans and see that part of your brain. But what makes a difference between a sociopath who ends up murdering people and who doesn't is childhood trauma. So if they've been, if they had attentive parents and the perfect quote unquote childhood where their needs were met, they will still have the sociopathic brain and sort of tendency, but they won't actually act on it. That's incredible. Yeah. That's why you should be looking out for it at day one. Yeah, sure.

They kill, I mean, what is it? The signs, if they take joy in killing animals and insects. No empathy. No empathy. Talking about bugs, you had a bug event. Oh my God, I forgot. I forgot. I texted you. I just had a bug event. You did. I was on the edge of my seat. You did. I was on the edge of my seat. Okay. Something happened yesterday. I went to this coffee shop that I love. I love this coffee shop. And I don't know if it's ruined now. I was outside. I was doing computer work. I was sitting on a bench and it had rained the day before. And so I was on this wooden bench. It was really packed. So there wasn't much seating. I was sitting on this wooden bench. It was kind of wet still. So it was uncomfortable. And then as soon as I saw another seat open up, I moved over there. I'm so happy. Drinking my coffee, doing my computer work. And all of a sudden I like feel something on my neck.

I like jolted and it was this disgusting flying bug. It had like long, clear wings. Wait, don't all bugs have clear wings? No. It was like trans, like… Translucent? Yeah. Like you could see all the way through the wings. The wings are really big.

I'm so intrigued. Oh, you're smashing yourself just talking about it. Yes. And so I hated it. You know, I hated that bug. And then I look and there's a lot of them. No. There's a family.

Don't call it a family. It humanizes them too much. Gives them so much agency. I hate it. I just started looking and I was like, oh my God, they're everywhere. And then like one landed on my computer. I felt like it was an infestation.

And I started my period last night, thank God, because I knew. I was like, my period is coming. I'm so clumsy. I'm so irritated. I'm so floopy. And I like couldn't handle what was happening with the bugs. I was starting to have like a really visceral reaction of like, I have to get out of here. And I like wanted to cry over these bugs. And I was trying to download the things I was editing so I could go to a different place because I knew the other place I was going to didn't have Wi-Fi. So I was like trying to get this downloaded while there were bugs everywhere. And I was just like panicking. Wow. And then I left. You made it alive. I made it out alive.

And I walked to a new place. On my walk, I thought, why am I, what is going, like, why am I having such a crazy reaction to this bug event? And I think it was hormone. Like, hormones are so real. Yeah.

They're so real. Like, changing your entire body chemistry of what you're able to handle and not handle. It helps in those moments if I can remind myself of that. Yeah. Because I had a moment like that yesterday too, but I'm forgetting what happened. Are you about to start your period? I just ended. What the hell? Well, mine's off. I was supposed to start some days ago and it was late. Oh, interesting. I think because of post-retrieval. Like, remember, some months are all fucked up after.

Right, that's right. Yeah. Okay, we'll get back in sync. Yeah. But, yeah, I finished, so it didn't make total sense. It wasn't, like, right before. But also, once you look at the chart, we're always in a phase that makes us nuts. There's, like, three days where we're in the clear

and the rest is like, either we're super intense and up the here or else we're down there or we're bleeding, you know. And so, yeah, but the way I now identify that feeling is that it's almost like I'm a teenager. It's like teenager angst and annoyance. Yes. Like remember when you were a teenager and like you were so annoyed. Yes. At your mom or at something and you would just want to like physically do something. Yeah. You know, that's how I identify it. When I go there, I'm like, oh, I'm having one of those. It's hormones. Yeah. And it's so hard because you don't want to talk about hormones. You know, it's like this thing. Because then we'll be taken less seriously.

But it's like, we should just get more credit. Exactly. Because we go through the world. We're living life. Yes. Anyways. Yes. Ugh.

Yeah. Anyway, that was my bug event. I'm sorry. That's an actual bug event. Mine was… No, yours was a bug event too. It was scary. Both were scary, but different.

I know. I don't know if I can go there again. Frick. Maybe I'll try to go in my luteal phase. Okay. And see how it goes. Okay. We got to jump into some questions.

Let's see. Is it ever okay to give unsolicited opinions about your friend's career? Marie. Hi, Monica, Liz, and the Sync Squad. Last year, my best friend decided to make a major career change and jump into a completely new type of job. Her employer knew that she had no experience and promised her lots of training and support,

especially during her first year. Unfortunately, this didn't pan out. She spent all of last year being extremely overwhelmed, stressed, and dealing with lots of anxiety and imposter syndrome. This last year, she decided to change her place of work, still doing the same thing, but at a different place. And we were both hopeful that being in a new environment would help turn things around. So far, things have been overall better and she feels more supported, but the intense feelings of anxiety and imposter syndrome are creeping back in. She seems so unhappy most of the time with this job and it's impacting her mental health

and other aspects of her life. I think she's feeling trapped, especially since she started a master's program to assist this career change. I'm worried that this career isn't the right fit for her and she's just staying because of the financial commitment with her master's and uncertainty of what she should do if she quits this.

I usually avoid giving unsolicited opinions advice, but I'm wondering if I should tell her my concerns. Do I continue supporting her by listening and validating her feelings, or do I dive into the uncomfortable and tell her that it seems like this isn't the right career path for her? Sincerely, a friend just trying to do the right thing. Yeah. Wow.

What do you think? I've had people do this to me. And I think when it's gone the most well is when they've asked me a question, like, how are you feeling about this job or this project? And if I just go, oh, everything's great. And, you know, then I think it's hard to impose an opinion or impose a conversation about how not well it's going if they feel like it's going well. But when it's gone well for me is when I've been like, yeah, I'm stressed out.

And then they've been like, yeah, I'm worried about you. Like, and I've been worried for the same things. Can we talk about it? I don't think it's about giving advice because you're not her. It's her life and how she feels about it is the most important thing. That to me is what you need to not investigate, but that should be the point of the conversation is really learning how she's feeling about it. And it's all about asking the right questions, not delivering your opinion. To me, that should be sort of the emphasis of that conversation.

It's not saying, I don't think this job is right for you. No one's going to receive that well. But saying, I'm seeing you and talk about the physical aspects you're seeing, right? Like you seem really stressed out or you're not eating as much or you're not enjoying your hobbies as much as you used to. And, you know,

is everything okay? Yeah. You know, like letting her kind of guide the conversation as opposed to you having like an agenda sort of going in. I agree. I think that's totally right. I don't think you can give career advice or like suggest that she switch careers, but you can just show your concern. Yes. For her overall well-being. Yes. And maybe don't even pinpoint it on the career. It's just, I've been noticing you seem a little anxious and is there anything I can do to help?

Or how are you? Hey, yeah. How are you feeling? How are you doing? Yes. And if she answers with, I'm feeling really anxious or I'm feeling bad, or you can say like,

I hate that for you. Maybe we can come up with some solutions together because I don't want this for you. Yes. And you can say, do you want to just be heard or do you want advice? You know, that's also a question you can just point blank ask. And if then they say, no, no, give me your advice. What do you think? Then it also opens the door for you to be more honest. But I don't know how she feels about this job. If she actually really loves it and it's something that she gets a lot of purpose out of. I think that, yeah, you coming in and saying, I don't like this job for you. It's also going to make her double down and feel defensive.

And now she's kind of committed with this master's. Yes. And that will make her even more stressed out because she's like, well, fuck, what have I done now? This isn't even right for me. And I'm, so she'll also figure it out. And remember that you can't fix her life. You can just be there to help, but that's it. You know, it's also the therapist trick of like, how's that working for you? But do you think, I think I would, do you think it's patronizing?

Also, do you say patronizing or patronizing? I say patronizing, but I say half of my words wrong. I say patron you think it's patronizing? Also, do you say patronizing or patronizing? I say patronizing, but I say half of my words wrong. I say patronizing. It's patronizing? I heard some people say patronizing. I think it's the British way. That sounds British. Patronizing.

Wow. Maybe. Patron. Patronizing. But patron is different. Oh, no. Well, I'm glad we say the same. We stick to our guns.

We're going to stick with it. I think on couple therapy, I heard someone say patronizing. But I'll be honest, I didn't love the person. So I was like, oh. Of course she says it like that. Of course she says it like that.

Now I want to know who you don't like. That's how I'm going to watch it. It's in season three. Oh, my God. You are deep. I finished. Oh, I didn't tell you. I finished. Wow. I finished the whole thing. And season three is essentially two seasons. It's 18 episodes. It's two whole

things. I don't know why they didn't call it season four. I watched it all. You got through it. What did you learn? What's the biggest takeaway? Everything. I mainly learned that people are incredible. And just walking around with so much stuff. And it's impossible. And it's a miracle. We should all be patting ourselves on the back. And giving other people so much grace all the time. That's my main takeaway.

Wow. Oh, okay. New question. I think we answered it. Yeah. The problem is we could do this one for like four hours. We won't. I would just do a short-ish one. Yeah.

I'm late to therapy every week. Oh God. Okay. We're going to do a quickie, but we have some big ones for next week. So we have to make sure we give it the time they deserve. Okay. In a friend group,

I accidentally spilled some confidential information when drunk. Oh. Should I come clean? AJ. Hi, Monica and Liz. I'm 23 in a relatively new city, and I'm so grateful to have a really good friend group of around 10 people, all around the same age, most single and a few in long-term relationships.

The group is about 60% guys and 40% girls. We've known each other for about a year now, and we hang out a lot, take trips, house parties, smaller events. I have personally put in a lot of intention and effort to build my one-on-one relationships with each of them, and I'm in a good place with all of them right now. Last weekend, one of my girlfriends told me some confidential information regarding a possible romantic relationship between another girl and guy in the group, and that she was feeling a bit hurt by it since she liked him too. She was confiding in me as a friend, but I was just shocked since this was two people I knew pretty well

and didn't see this coming at all. Later that night, we all went out together and I got pretty drunk and I ended up spilling all the information I had learned to the guy involved. I don't think it has become a big deal yet, but I'm feeling extremely guilty and disappointed in myself that I did that

and don't want to be seen as an instigator of drama or gossip within this friend group that is so important to me. Should I come clean? How can I mitigate this situation? All I want is to preserve the friend group for as long as possible. How do I shake the feeling that I'm the villain in the story and keep this from happening again? Oh, AJ. He just cares so much. I know. And I can relate so hard to just like every single cell in my body wants to protect this group, wants to keep this group cohesive and strong. And a little bit of that, I think you have to acknowledge that's a lot to take on. There's 10 people in this group and life happens and sometimes things happen that can impact groups. I mean, group dynamics, as we just said with couple therapy, it's so hard to be one person, let alone 10 people in one group. And so

maybe take a little pressure off of that and try to just be present and enjoy the days you have. I'll never forget this. During COVID, when the pod was like so strong and for obvious reasons, we didn't have anything to do but be together all day long. Now life is back. And so, you know, things have changed a tiny bit. Still extremely close, but different. It was a different level of closeness.

And I felt really, what's the word? I just felt very protective and just like, oh my God, this is so good. This is so perfect. And one day Molly said, how long do you think we're going to keep doing this? And Chris and I were like, what do you mean? Forever.

It was such a shock that there was even the idea that it would ever not be this way. And we all started laughing, but it was so interesting because I was like, it really just brought to light, oh, this might not be every day for the rest of our lives. And the truth is, things do morph and change. And so just be happy where you are. I know that's not really the question. I just want to add that in so that you're not so worried about the health of the group at all times. And you can just be present and enjoy it because it might go away for reasons that have nothing to do with you. And at least you've had this incredible experience. As far as should he come clean,

cut yourself some slack. This is what people do. People, this happens all the time. Of course. This is life. They've probably done it too. Exactly. Like right now,

you're making yourself the villain in a story where you've created perfect identities for all these other people. They make mistakes too. It's okay. Forgive yourself. Yeah, these are human mistakes. Of course. But should he say something? I think if it's eating at him that much,

again, I don't know the people involved. If there's a feeling that those people would be receptive and be understanding, then yes. If it's eating away at you and you feel like you're just carrying around the secret and that you're using it against you, it's eating away at you and you feel like you're just carrying around the secret and that you're using it against you. It's so clear that you care and that you love them. And that will be very clear when you share this with them that you feel awful and you feel guilty. And my feeling is they'll just be like,

you're an idiot. Okay. It's not a state level secret. But trust in relationships is really important. And I understand the fear around, is it worth me risking that? Right. I think you're right. It's how much is this weighing on you? If you think that you can just kind of forgive yourself and then move on, maybe I wouldn't say anything. But if you can't, if it's just going to eat at you,

I guess you do have to have that conversation. And also, okay, this is bad advice, but like if everyone was drunk, you probably also get an out. Like you're like, I don't remember. Or maybe they don't remember what you told them. Like I haven't been in a situation where like that in a while, but it's not healthy in any way. But yeah, when people are drunk, we all do things. I mean, that's the point of drinking. Your inhibitions are lowered and that's why people feel good and do it over and over again. So I think you do get also a little bit of slack because of that. But again, particularly with yourself that you know that that night when you weren't drunk, you didn't say anything.

And then once you were under the influence, you did. I don't think that, like I'm trying to put myself in the position of the girl who told him the secret. Yeah. It wouldn't matter to me whether they were drunk or not drunk that my secret was now revealed. I think that part is more for him because he's like, I'm a villain. I'm a bad person.

It's like, well, you're not. You did it once you were under the influence. I think your morals are in line. Yeah. I'm trying to think if I was the girl, would I want to know that he did that? I kind of, again, this is sort of like when we talked about the parents. Yeah. The parents with the child, like, would you want to know? Would you want to know? And the instinct is, yes, I would want to know if someone said something about me behind my back or told a secret. But actually, I probably don't because then I'm in my head now.

Now I'm in my head every time we're all together. Now that person knows that I know. Yes, that's a good point. It might just be easier to not. And if it comes out, obviously take full responsibility and say you're sorry and that this is the way it happened and you feel horrible about it. That's it. But I kind of feel like it might make things more complicated for her. For her.

And the whole point is about her, really. Right. I tend to lean on that side on most things, though. So I don't know if that's just like the way I look at the world. It's like least pain. Right. For the most I look at the world. It's like least pain. Right. For the most amount of people. Yeah.

It's a tricky one. If this is helpful, I don't think there's a right or wrong. And so don't put so much pressure on yourself. I mean, there's three options, right? It's either you don't say anything and no one ever knows. You don't say anything,

people find out. Or you tell them and they find out. If it comes out and you say, I just thought it would hurt you more. I don't know how they're going to react to that, but I think that's a good reason. Yeah. I felt that I already did something to hurt you.

Exactly. And then that this might make it worse for you. Yes. I, at that point, felt like I want to reduce the amount of pain. But also, I'm sorry. I should have been. And that was probably the wrong decision. Like, if she's like, how would you do that?

Yes, you take full responsibility. That was the wrong decision. And I'm's like, how would you do that? Yes, you take full responsibility. That was the wrong decision. And I'm sorry. But go easy on yourself. Everyone in your group is probably talking about everyone. I mean, this is the way it goes. We're humans.

We're monkeys. You're just a monkey. Just a little monkey. Well, this was really fun. This was great. Thanks for always chatting and being open. Thank you.

And keep submitting. Keep submitting to us. We love your questions. Go to our website and ask us stuff. What's going on? It can be anything. We love you,

Sing Squad, and I love you, Liz. I love you, Monica. Have a great trip. Thank you. And let me know if you max out. I will.

I'll let you know. We'll see. Okay. Bye. Bye.