Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: No Steaks

Episode Date: May 8, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz are fresh off their date! They recap how the double man plan went and discuss the differences between worst dates for men & women. They answer listener questions on having trouble sleeping with a partner in the early stages of dating, and making an aesthetic change knowing one's partner doesn't like it. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Okay. So what time is it? It is 9 52 p.m. And where do we just come from? What do we just come from? What do we just do? We went on a blind double date. We did it.

And then we sat in the car in silence listening to Taylor Swift so that we wouldn't talk about it, so that we could share it with all of you. That's right. We decided we would come straight home and wait and process this all aloud for all of you. So we have not talked about what just happened. I'm like, I don't know.

I don't know. I have so many thoughts. Please share. What's the first one? The first one is everyone should do that. Like really, I think this is a true hack. And here's part of one of the outfits I almost wore. Oh my God. We're also recording in my apartment and it is a disaster.

I think one of the reasons it's a hack is I was not, this might be bad, I don't know, but I don't have any negative judgment on either of them. But I think it's because the environment we created, it didn't have that normal date vibe where you're evaluating the other person. It was just having fun and chatting. So even just on the ride home listening to Taylor, I was like, do I like them? And of course the first thought was, yes, they're great. I can't think of anything negative, but I know 100% for certain if I was on a one-on-one date with either of those two, I would have had negative stuff.

100%. Because I'd be looking at it through that lens. So much of it is just how you fucking look at the world. This wasn't a job interview. It was like a hangout. Yeah. Yeah, you don't go into a date just... Or maybe we did like, I don't know, a long time ago, but like in our 30s, I feel like I don't approach it with the same kind of levity

that the goal should be to have fun on the date. Yeah, no steaks. No steaks. And no steaks, because we didn't get meat dishes. We didn't. It was all vegan because of me. No, no, no. No, they got some meat. They did? Yeah, they got chicken.

Oh, okay, good. I felt bad. I mean, I like that he paid a lot of attention to the fact that I was vegetarian. Yes, both were very adult. They were not boys. I appreciated that a lot. They walked us to the car after, in which I really was not expecting, because we were together. I wouldn't know why we're together,

but it was just nice. Like they were really nice. Oh my God, but as soon as we got there, me and you were there first, and we were like, how are we going to sit? How are we going to arrange the seating? Are we face to face? Are we next to each other? Exactly we going to arrange the seating? Yeah. Are we face to face? Are we next to each other?

Exactly. So we sat next to each other. I sat in the booth furthest and then you sat aisle. I did. I sat window, you sat aisle. Which is a preferred seating. Yeah, it is. And then my guy sat in front of you.

Across from me. And then your guy sat across from me. I know. And as soon as that happened I was like, uh oh, I kind of, did you have a little panic? I did. Well it took me 20 minutes into the date that I was like, oh right, this is the wrong order. But also like great and like going with the flow.

You know what, that seating arrangement is probably what kept it like a fun group thing because there was no pressure for me and him or for you and the other guy to like bridge off. Oh, wow. Oh my God. So that's part of the hack. Okay. So you do diagonal.

Wait, so how do you feel? I mean, I already have a text. Oh my God. So should I? Okay. It's like, so nice. Okay, read it. Liz, that was so fun. Thanks for like so nice. Okay, read it.

Liz, that was so fun. Thanks for making the trip. Love to do it again. That's sweet. And there was at the end, well, when we walked out, I think there was like a little moment of like, okay, we're going to have a moment, like... A second with our... I didn't have that feeling. So do you... Yeah, how do you feel? Like, was there any point where you were like, this might be a good thing?

Again, I think that's not how you're even approaching it. That's not how I approached it, which is probably bad in some ways for me, because it's a good way to avoid that. But it was also good because I was just open to knowing a new person. Right. So I don't know where I'm at even still in my head.

I don't know where I am in like, do I want to go on another date with that person? Because one thing is as soon as we got in the car, I did think, what are we going to do? Are we going to just keep doing this? Are the four of us just going to keep going out? That's kind of fun. Maybe the four of us.

It's a thing. Yeah, because we had like a few mini plans, like what you do on a date. Like we're, next time we'll do this. We had a few of those that were including all of us. Yes. Watching couples therapy. Yeah. I can't go on a date and not bring up couples therapy. That's my thing. And then like sauna or something.

We talked about sauna and cold plunges. And there was like a third one. Yeah. But wait, you never at any point thought... Well, I think I did, but I didn't stay there. I couldn't stay there because we were in the middle of like general conversation. Sure. Okay, did you think it ever got awkward? Well, you did get in a little fight with my guy for a second.

Oh, I did. I know. Just for like 15 seconds. Obviously masculine. Yeah. Well, you know, women's sports. But my guy was not- No, aggressive or- Aggressive.

You know, but it was- I did get a little scared when that was starting to happen. But he let me win with the truth, which is that women are better at ultra long marathon races and they have more endurance than men. But no, there was one moment where I was like, oh, is this all time? At the beginning, I was nervous because I decided not to drink and then I immediately regretted it. Like as soon as they were sitting there because my guy was way hotter than I thought, way more my type actually than what I thought.

Because I was in it for the bit, was in it for a night out with you. Let's meet these guys and it'll be fun. Like it'll be a good story. That's the worst thing that can happen. But I immediately was like, oh God. Yeah. I was immediately like, let's meet these guys, it'll be fun. Like it'll be a good story. That's the worst thing that can happen. But I immediately was like, oh God. Yeah, I was immediately like, he's great. So I'm very smitten. Wow.

Very. Are you surprised by that? I'm surprised by the amount. Oh. He's great. But this is interesting. I wonder if I wasn't there, if you would still have that feeling

Interesting on our way there. I said do you think there's a possibility? They'll be a sense of competition and then we kind of blew that off. Did you feel any of that or no? I didn't feel Competition honestly what I felt was like it was harder for me to go deep to connect which good or good or bad, on a date, I really want to do. But, well, sometimes I go a little too deep. And so, it wasn't competition, it was more like at one point, I was like, okay, you're not going to find out that much about him, and that's okay. It was a lighter conversation than a typical date,

but again, that's probably what made it fun. And maybe again, why I like him so much, because I don't know that much about him. There's still some mystery, I guess. maybe again, why I like him so much, because I don't know much about him. There's still some mystery, I guess. I just found him very like dreamy. Like he reminded me of a... Oh, who's the actor in Life is Beautiful? And succession.

Oh my God. Jeremy Strong? No, I'm blanking. He's tall and handsome and black hair. Nicholas Braun? No, he's not a main character. He was like a financier, like an investor. Oh my God, I'm like forgetting his...

You've like interviewed him. Oh, Adrian Brody? Yeah, he gave me Adrian. Not the personality, just the aesthetic. And LinkedIn pixelated photo. In my head, this was like a finance guy that like maybe would be fun, but maybe wouldn't be that aligned. And I was like, oh, like, this is actually a guy that's my type. Like basically I was like, oh, this is my type.

And what do you think is your type? I think my type is like smart, but can be fun and goofy, emotionally aware or emotionally, you know, has done some emotional work. Those are the top three, I would say. And like he's stylish. Oh, you don't think we like share common values? I didn't say that. Okay, okay, okay. I did not say that.

When you saw him, did you think he was my type? No. I don't know what your type is. Okay, it's all over the place. I also don't think, I don't know. This is like sort of back to our conversation about leagues. Like, I don't believe really in type. Yeah.

I think everyone's so different. But what an interesting experiment. Did you feel the sense of competition? I didn't, but I wasn't like so attracted to one of them. Right. If I was, I might have, I don't know. I mean, I would hope not, but you never know. I'm asking you because you do really like...

I feel like I need to spend more time with him. But that was fun. And again, it felt like I met someone at a party. Exactly. And oh, we had a cool conversation, and then let's hang out again. Is the hack to just not have deep, like to try and... When it's one on one, it's very hard. It's inevitable.

Yeah, it's inevitable. I think there is something really unique about diluting it all. Because even when you're in a group, you can make jokes that you might not make one-on-one on a first date. There was like a couple things said that were just fun and funny, but I bet if I was by myself, I would have read into them. Right. We overthink so much when it's strictly a date by natural standards, but this isn't

so you could just be or you could look at it much differently. Yeah. Really, really interesting. They picked a great spot. A really good Mexican place halfway in between. Very gentlemanly, both of them. We were worried about how the pain... Oh yeah, I was like, how's that going to go? It's like, I guess we all sort of like, you know, we did offer and they split it, which is what you thought was gonna happen

That was your prediction Yeah really Fascinating. I'm really glad we did it Wow And so you at no point were like I want to make a move or like someone said something you were like Oh, like I'm attracted to that there were things said that I was impressed by yeah I mean there were tons of things that I liked about both of them. I thought they were both like really interesting and I was looking at them as just people,

not as partners. There's a thread of for me that being problematic, but ultimately I don't think it is. That is what I want to do on dates. It's just like, do I like this person? Take away the other shit. Is this just a person that I enjoy? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. First and foremost. But we don't even... We skip that part,

because we're so quick to go to, do I want to be in a relationship with this person? Do I want them to? It's like, it's a first date. It shouldn't be that. It should be, is this an enjoyable person? Am I having fun? And again, am I enjoying this? Yeah. I wonder, okay, do you think that this is how guys approach all dates? Like that like... I feel like a lot of guys come into a date this way, where they're not necessarily like, is this person going to fuck me over?

Right? Like, or like, is this person, you know... Yeah, they're not overthinking it. They're not overthinking it. And so maybe that's why guys, that's how they're approaching it. And then we're... Oh. Imagine if that's... I mean, again, we can't generalize. Yes and no, exactly. Because we've been on dates with people

and they don't move forward. Sure. So men are doing that too. Yeah. It just depends. Yeah. I wonder what their car ride there was. I know.

And their car ride after. I'm so curious. I wish we could be a fly in the wall. So also somebody asked you out today. Another person asked you out today. Wait, can I just finish? Do you think it's like the Friends episode where like we're having a full hour long conversation about the date and they're like, that was cool.

Yeah. And that's it? Yeah, probably. We're like, I wonder what they're saying about it. They're just like eating chips. Yeah, literally like burping and farting and just like going to bed. Yeah. I mean, and that's kind of part of it, right?

Like we tend to call it overthinking or being overly analytical about relationships. I think we think about relationships way more than men do overall. And so it wouldn't surprise me. And it doesn't mean that they didn't like it as much as we did. It's just that they have a different way to process it. But sorry, I cut you off. Oh. Uh...

I tried to set up a second double date on the day of our double date. Oh yeah. Someone asked you out today earlier and you tried to make it a double date again. What'd you say? What I used on this double date... Should we give them on LinkedIn guy? Is that what we're calling it? Yeah.

LinkedIn guy and his friend. Yeah. Who was French Canadian, by the way. Yeah. So synced. Very synced. So I said, hey, would love to meet. I'm trying something new if you're down. Sort of like presenting it as like a challenge.

Yeah. Like men love challenges. So, and everyone does, right? Like, it as like a challenge, like men love challenges. So, and everyone does, right? Like almost like a dare. So like if you're game, I'm trying out something new where I'm trying to make first dates suck less by making them more fun and casual. So if you're down to bring a friend, I'm going to bring my friend Monica. And I was like, she's a smoke show. Here's a photo. And then I sent a photo for both of us. And then I waited for the answer and And LinkedIn guy was so... Well, it took a few hours and I was like,

he probably thinks I'm nuts and he knows nothing about me. And so why would he be able to do something like this? But then he was like, yeah, sure, let's do it. He was so into it. But this guy was... This coffee shop guy was like, no. Yeah, essentially. Like, I don't know if I have...

I'm like, would love to meet you. And I'm like, I'm not doing that. I just told you what we're doing. And you're already not... You're already a problem. You're already not supporting women. Well... But also, it did weirdly make our guys tonight look so much cooler.

It's like, they're just down. They're just like, why not? Why wouldn't we just go do this? It's such a turn on. Yeah. It's like they're just down. They're just like, why not? Why wouldn't we just go do this? It's such a turn on. Yeah. It's kind of telling. It is. It says a lot about them.

And also, again, I didn't know what to expect, that maybe they'd be weird or like, but the way they showed up to, they did it perfectly. I think 10 out of 10. They did. We set the bar really high if we do this again. That's the only problem. That's true. But at the same time, I mean...

Why not? Yeah. I'm serious. I think this is like good for singles. I agree. That was like one of the best nights I've had in like a long time. Because it combined... It's like going for the best hike of your life

and then you're like, oh, and I got a workout out of it. It's like two stones the best hike of your life and then you're like, oh, and I got a workout out of it. It's like two stones, one bird, one stone, two birds. It's two stones. Anyway, we'll cut that part out. It's late. But okay, one other thing, well, two things. One, my therapist endorsed this last week. I had therapy.

Been waiting for that endorsement. I was kind of, I know, I was kind of nervous to tell her. You were. Yeah, because I thought she might say, what's really the point of this? But I told her and she asked a few questions and then she said, I think this is great because it takes the pressure off. For me, it's like, how do I be the most me on a date? This is the best way with your friend, right?

Like, you can't not be you when you're with your friend. It would be so... Oh, okay, Pin. Let's talk about who we felt about, what we felt about each other on this day. Okay, okay, okay. Okay, but anyway, so she said, she thought it was great, and then I said, yeah, I think what I like about it is Liz and I would be going to dinner anyway on a Thursday. Like that's our normal life. So the test is kind of like who fits into my normal life.

That's my general idea of dating. Like who's gonna come fit in nicely with my life that I love and enjoy very much and I'm very fulfilled by. So yeah, like really good way to do that. I did feel like myself. That's great. Did you feel like yourself? I felt like myself too. You felt like you to me too.

You felt like me to me. Look, when it's just the two of us, it obviously is different, less unhinged. A little more presentable, I guess. Right. Which already I feel like when we are in a group, we're like that. We'll not go down again. There was one little moment of chaos about the cactus. And then I really needed to tell you about this synced moment because you posted about a cactus and then I got picked by a cactus.

What do you call that when a cactus injures you? Yeah, you said bites you. I think it's pricked. Pricked. Okay, I got pricked by a cactus the same day and then they were talking about cactus tacos. They were ordering and I was like, I need... Yeah, we sidebar. We sidebarred.

And so, but I would have sidebarred more maybe, but I refrained. And look, like, it was different. Just the two of us would have been different and probably more fun in certain ways. Yeah. But being with them was more fun in, you know... Another way. Another way, exactly. But did you think, okay, what would you say after seeing that my date persona is?

Oh, that's interesting. I think your date persona is you're a very good listener. You're a very active listener. You're very like encouraging when people tell stories and like you were like, wow, and like, huh? And like sometimes I was like, she's not that on-humped about that thing. Like she's not that impressed. Really?

Yeah. Sometimes I was like, oh, you thought I was, I was like nicer she's not that on-humped about that thing. Like, she's not that impressed. Really? Yeah, sometimes I was like... Oh, you thought I was... I was like nicer. You were nicer. Yes. And sometimes we on-humped at the same time, and I was like, oh, we're both being nice. Or like, this isn't something that we necessarily... I mean, when you talked about that...

So, one of the conversations that was like important is that one of them is building like some sort of crazy hotel with like a... And he just mentioned like, and then the spa is like, and we were like, we need to get back to the spa. He mentioned the spa very briefly in this conversation. And as soon as he said spa, immediately, all I could think about was the spa. And getting a massage and wanting to go to a spa. And what am I going to go to?

I couldn't listen to anything else afterwards. Exactly. For like four minutes. I was like, what about this part? And then we both said at the same time, can we go? And I was like, it's all I've been thinking about since you said it. So that was probably the most unhinged. Yeah. When we both stopped listening and really just thought about the spa for six minutes.

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I had a really bad headache. I had like a hormonal migraine-y thing on Friday night, so I couldn't have my therapy on Saturday, and I feel it. Like I feel it if I don't. It's all built up. Yeah, it like builds up. I have a lot I need to discuss with her.

Because we carry these things big and small, and they really do add up, and you just need an outlet and your friends can't be that outlet for everything. That's too much for you and it's too much for them. Exactly. Therapy is a safe space to get things off your chest and to figure out how to work through whatever is weighing you down. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's all online, it's convenient, it's flexible, it's suited to your schedule so you don't

really have any excuses to not go and you just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and you can switch therapists anytime which I think is huge because you know it takes a few sometimes to find the right person but they have a lot of options so it'll be great. Get it off your chest with BetterHelp. Visit BetterHelp.com slash synced today to get 10% off your first month. That's BetterHelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D. You were funny.

I thought you were probably like across in between, obviously like you and me hanging out and like honestly your amazing ability at being an interviewer and just like being so good at conversation and not like fully, you know, you're interviewing them, but just the mix of those skills, but still being you and funny and light and you know, but yeah, we were less, we didn't really like tell that many weird stories about ourselves. We were pretty tang.

Yes. That's true. Yeah, you, you were... Yeah, what was I like? Same, like very, you ask a lot of questions, but you always do. Like I think you're very good at asking questions all the time. Like when we're even in like, when Ana, Jess and I hang out and you come like you ask a lot of questions It's great. It never feels like they'll be silent. It's like feels safe Okay, which is good Yeah, so that felt the same to me and yeah, you're very like

Affable like, you know nice I would say actually I'm surprised at how How little of a persona there was. Okay, okay. That it just really did feel normal. Except you're right. If we're at a hundred normally, you were at a 75. Right. Of weirdness. Of intensity across the board.

Of character. Yes. And I think me too, probably. Yes. I mean, it's funny because there was a point, I think we even talked about this on the show, where I was like dating someone or going on dates and then we would hang out. And especially when we first met and I was like falling in love with you and I was like, oh my God, it's so much fun with Monica.

Like, and I was comparing my dates to my time with you, which like, I remember consciously thinking like that's probably not a good idea. And recently my therapist really did say like, you know, they're not going to be like your girlfriends. And again, I think we've already talked about this, but it is something that bears repeating. And that to me was like a perfect example. I was getting something different out of tonight that I would have gone if we had just been one on one and that one on one would have been incredible, but that also would have

been a weird kind of energy to probably also bring to that setting. If we had, yeah, yeah, for sure. And maybe that's also why we go on dates or again, we have romantic partnerships that those things are different from our friendships and are supposed to be different. And you do have a different persona or side of yourself that it brings out. And that that's kind of a good thing. I love that you love this. It's the one thing that intersects.

I'm like, we are so different and no one ever wants to do this with me. I've been like dying to do this for a decade. And the fact that you, that is like out of left field and so exciting. I cannot, and we were having this in the social video, but like, we cannot stress this enough of how little Monica knew about what she was getting into. I did not know his name. I didn't know his name. We had no information on the other guy.

We didn't even know the related, like for all we knew, he was like a stranger. When we sat down, like maybe he's bringing his kid. Yeah. I was sure in my heart that your guy, that LinkedIn guy, misunderstood the assignment. I was like, he's not... I think he didn't know really what Liz was asking, and he's gonna bring like his married friend or his kid, or just like another person. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He did not ask any questions or clarification. Yeah. It was like, sure. Cool. We'll be there Thursday. And then like, no. And also, okay, that's another thing for me. So, this is the first date ever that I haven't rescheduled. What? That's my move. That's my thing.

Oh, come on, Monica. I always reschedule it at least once. At least once. It's not, I was joking when I said it's my move. It's not something I do on purpose. It happens because I'm anxious, obviously. And not just because I'm anxious, but because I always would rather do something else. Always.

So things always come up. And so I'm like, no, I'd rather do that other thing. So I always reschedule. Something did come up for tonight that I really did want to go to. Two things. It happened twice. I had two opportunities. Wow. One was a big girls' dinner for Molly's birthday.

We were planning the day and we were going to this one place and they were closed on Tuesday and said, how about Thursday? And I said, hmm, what do I do? Like I want to make sure the dinner for my best friend is good. So I should probably like reschedule the date. But no, I'm not going to reschedule it. So I chose not to reschedule and then it happened again. And I chose not to reschedule.

Part of it is because there's just so many factors that's like, well it's four people, I can't like rearrange four people's schedules. And then I also thought there's no way that we're gonna do this. It's like somebody is gonna fall through and then no. I know. We scheduled it and it happened. That's shocking. And it was great. And it was great. I know. We scheduled it and it happened. That's shocking.

And it was great. And it was great. 10 out of 10. But partly, okay, we have talked about this before. Although I think me and you have different opinions on it because you're better than me about being out and about. I don't have many bad dates. Wow.

I just have, I don't think we're a match, but like the hang itself is always fine and fun. Huh. I mean, I don't normally go out with people unless I like know something about them. Much different than tonight. And I've talked to my therapist about that too. I don't understand. It's enjoyable. It's fine and conversations good, but I don't want to keep seeing that person.

I don't want to keep going. Nicole Zajac How do you bring it up in therapy, meaning you're confused about why you don't want to go on more dates if you enjoy them? Beth Dombkowski Right. What's the disconnect here? If I like the time, I should want to keep going. And we've sort of come to the conclusion that this is going to sound braggy. And I really don't mean it, but it's sort of what you were just saying.

Like I can have a sort of interesting conversation with most people. And so can you. Like I feel that there's very few circumstances where I'm gonna not be able to like find some common ground and just like lean into that. That's really interesting. Just because you're able to talk to anybody doesn't mean you enjoy it though, right? I can find a way to enjoy it. Okay.

But then I didn't get that much out of it in a meaningful way. I just had like a good time. So then, you know, you go on a second or third date, and then that's really when I'm like, it's the same. It's just like, it's not getting more for me. Again, the time spent is fine. And so I find that I rarely... And this is also just so lucky.

But I rarely leave a date and think like, yikes! That was so bad. In fact, I don't think I've ever done that. I think that's wonderful. But it gets confusing. I think you are extremely careful about who you go on dates with. Exactly. And I think I've become, especially in the last, I would say five years, much more open

to who I'm going on dates with because I realize that there are many things that have in my list and that I'll go on a date and like it won't be the right fit, but someone who doesn't have whatever, right? These things that I think I'm looking for, but that that person might actually be a better fit. So that's why I, but sometimes I feel like I'm on the extreme other end of there are so many people that I should have never gone on a date with, never let alone go on a second date with or let into my house or you know, get in the car with.

Also it's so funny, it's not a perfect segue, but I was just talking the other day with this woman about her worst date. Like she was like, oh yeah, I went on a date with a guy and he, I don't know if people are going to be mad at us, but like this guy had no teeth and then was definitely on drugs and I know. People can't be mad at us. Well I'm just, I know. I mean they can, but that's not our problem because.

It's a big surprise. I think most people, if they went on a first date and then the person didn't have teeth, most people would not be super happy about that. Yeah. Or would expect teeth. I think we go into dates. Oh my God. Okay. What world are we living in that we can't say that?

Truly. I mean... Yeah. And then he was on drugs. And like, she had known him. He was the hottest guy she'd ever seen. They had a fling five years ago. Then he was like, hey, I'm back in town. Like, she's like, great, let's meet up. And then she didn't recognize him.

He clearly had been through... This is upsetting. Yes. And then was on drugs, had teeth, had an eye patch. He did not have an eye patch. No, he literally did. They went to see a movie and he put on an eye patch to what... It was just a comical amount of accessories and lack of their of.

And then she was like, oh yeah, and there was another day where I almost got kidnapped. And then I was like, what do you think is most of our guy friends' worst date? A woman's worst date is that, right? Like I went on one where I literally got choked. But like a guy's worst date, if he's straight, with a woman? Like again, I'm not saying all women are great, but it's probably not in the range of like... I think it's different, yeah.

It's different. Yeah. We recorded an Armchair Anonymous episode. There's actually, we're doing two parts for it, because they were intense stories and long stories, stalking this week. And of course I was like, oh my God, men are so scared. Because I happen to be all female. Most are. Right, exactly.

But there were men that wrote in, but they didn't follow up when Emma reached out. And I don't think it's true that most stalkers are men because celebrity stalkers, I feel like a fair amount are women. Sure. And baby reindeer. There's baby reindeer. Yeah.

But the level of threat is often different. And that's what's so fucked. The number might be the same, but the type is a lot more extreme when it's a male. Why am I bringing that up? There was something about... Oh, dates. Like a bad date.

Yes. So it's uneven. It's uneven. The threat of a bad date for a man... A woman is like they might kill you. It happens. It happens. And likely a woman, honestly, they just probably don't is like they might kill you. It happens. It happens.

And likely a woman, honestly, they just probably don't look like what the person expected. Which is awful for those men. I feel so bad. It's like the worst. They're the biggest victims. Yeah. The men who... They expected a picture from 10 years ago and they're really...

Let's have a moment of silence. It's a moment of betrayal. Dating. Or like I've heard some men talk about bad dates and the bad date basically being that the woman likes them too much. Oh my God. It's so infuriating. It is, it is. And it's bad.

It's bad and to be fair, I have felt that. Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Uh-oh. You're have felt that. Uh-huh. Like, uh-oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're too into me. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. This person likes me a lot more than I like them.

Yeah. That can happen. Yeah, but that's not the worst thing. That's not the worst. And also, one thing I started doing was let a bad date be bad. Because again, I can make conversation with a tree. Exactly. Anything. But there was a point where, particularly as a woman, I realized, Because again, I can make conversation with a tree. Exactly. Anything.

But there was a point where, particularly as a woman, I realized, oh wow, I got asked zero questions. But also, I didn't even let a moment of silence. I didn't make him uncomfortable about that. I made him seem like this was the best time ever. And so I started actually like not doing, not again, I know what I could ask you and what would be so interesting and make this date great, but I'm not going to do it because you're not pulling your weight.

And that was honestly such a hack because then I didn't have to send the text afterwards being like, like they would feel it. Yeah. As opposed to like leave and be like, oh my God, that was so great. And then I was like, I hate you or, you know, I'm not into it. But that's hard to do too, but more honest. Have you ever left a date in the middle? Or have you ever done that thing where it's like you make a friend call you? I have never made up some, I probably have, but usually I feel like that's too obvious.

But I've gone where like we sit down, we have a drink, and then I'm like, I'm gonna go. So the date was like an hour, and it's clear that I'm not... You cut it off early. Cut it off early. But no, I've never left a date. I think it's still another person, unless they're yelling it, you know what I mean?

Like, or again, on drugs or there's a threat. The decent thing is to, you know, engage with the person in front of you. a threat, the decent thing is to, you know, engage with the person in front of you. But also, if you're super uncomfortable, I do think it's okay to lead a situation. For sure. When I've been uncomfortable, it's been too late. And then I'm like, oh God, I'm not opposed to faking the emergency.

But I feel like nowadays, if that's what you're like, it's so obvious. Like if that happens to you on a date, actually, they're going to think you're lying. You have to like show proof of the text. Although if you ever need that, you can always go back into our old text and the picture of when I cut my finger cutting onions. That would necessitate leaving the middle of a dirt. A dirt.

Oh my God, I'm so tired. It's late, guys. It's late for us. It's a lot. But we really wanted to make sure that we debrief. I'm so glad we did it. Me too. I'm really glad we did that.

Thanks for being so game. I know this is like... Thanks for planning it. ...outside of your comfort zone, and I appreciate it. But it is, and I don't think it's fair for me to say it is, because it is in a way that I just don't like dating, but it isn't in that this was the very safest way for me to do that. Yay.

And it felt like that. Okay, so did you think... It didn't get awkward, but I wondered as they were walking us to our car, is there going to be like a kissing situation? Probably not just by virtue of the way this is set up. But also, do you normally kiss on first dates? I didn't used to at all. Kissing is so intimate.

And then I've let myself do it. But I do not force it. If I'm not 100% full in, I'm not doing it. But I've done it and it's kind of nice. But I would say 20%. first date will get a kiss. Right. What about you? Majority no. Yeah.

I mean, it happened. Oh, that was another thing we were, you know, it's bad when they live far away, but it's also good when they live far away because you don't risk run-ins. We will never run into them. No, we won't. In the neighborhood. And we get to choose when we see them. We like that.

Yeah. Okay. We'll do a couple questions, but we're going to we get to choose when we see them. We like that. Yeah. Okay, we'll do a couple questions, but we're going to keep it pretty tight because we're tired. But was there anything else that we needed to discuss? I think that's it. I had so much fun. Me too. It was the best.

Yeah, it was really nice. It's also like so fun because we've both been single since we've known each other. And I was like, oh, this is kind of like a new way to be her friend. Like a new situation to be in that was different. And that felt fun too, like separately from them. Totally. Yeah. There were so many things happening. But do you think I should go on a date with him? Yeah.

But you're not super into it. Well, I'm not a love addict. Okay. So you didn't go like, wow, like they would be a great match. No, I thought like they're addict. Okay. So you didn't go like, wow, like they would be a great match. No, I thought like they're great. Okay. But I like, I get this is my issue that I am even doing this that I'm like, Liz, you need to be a little careful. With this guy?

No, not because of him. It's just like, in general, based on we had a super fun night. You should be excited to go on a date with him. The tech should be exciting. But like, we're just different. Like, I'm so smitten is, to me, a bit extreme based on what happened. Not based on him. Based on the evening. I think it'd be like, he was great. I definitely want to go on another date with him. I want to know more about him. I can see what's happening in your face.

I can. And then you said it and I was like, okay. But you 100% should. He's great. But I feel like you're already in love with him. And I want you to not do that. Okay. Got it. The problem is sometimes I sound like an asshole on here.

No. I do. But it is based in lots of conversations that we've had that are on air. And also seeing... And some on air. Yes. Yeah. And also you see like what happens when... The aftermath. The aftermath. And aftermath. Yeah. And there always is.

I think he's definitely worth seeing. And just seeing how it goes. Support for Synced comes from Thorn. I feel like we are in the age of trying to sort of optimize our health. And the older you get, the more you do have to consider a lot of these things and we start paying attention to where we have deficiencies and where we need supplements and where we need to find that in food or externally. And Thorn is awesome because it's a personalized,

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Code synced. These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. This product is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease. Support for Synct comes from Nurex. To date, Nurex has delivered birth control to more than 1.6 million patients in the United States. It's convenient, it's private, it's compassionate, provides reliable reproductive and sexual health care that's accessible right from home, no judgment or stigma attached.

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fast and affordable expert care. Thanks to Neurex for sponsoring this podcast. Taking control of your reproductive health starts here. Go to Neurex.com slash sync to get started. That's N-U-R-X dot com slash sync. Results may vary, not offered in every state, medications prescribed only if clinically appropriate, consultation required. Shout out to Claritin for supporting this episode and providing us with samples, which is awesome. Because luckily for those of us who live

with the symptoms of allergies, we can live Claritin Clear with Claritin D. I developed allergies. Me too. It's so frustrating because for a while, I didn't know what it was. I was just like, I'm sick all the time. What is this?

And it was just allergies. Nicole Asprey It is. And the thing I've learned with the years of dealing with allergies is that if I don't take a Claritin, it just seems to get worse and worse. Something that, like an allergy reaction, which might be subtle, just like I feel it so much more if I don't take a Claritin. Cari Burt Yes. And the double action combination of prescription strength allergy medicine and the best decongestant available relieves sneezing, a runny nose, itchy and watery eyes, an itchy

nose and throat, and sinus congestion and pressure with ease. I just keep it with me in case I'm going somewhere where like, I don't know if there's gonna be a cat there. I don't know if there's gonna be something I'm allergic to. I just having it like it was like 2 a.m. and I had to get Claritin delivered at 2 a.m. And I was like freaking out because I was like, oh my god, this is why I need it with me at all times because you never know when you're going to have an allergic reaction. Ready to live life as if you don't have allergies? It's time to live Claritin Clear.

Fast and powerful relief is just a quick trip away. Find Claritin D at the pharmacy counter. Ask for Claritin D at your local pharmacy counter. You don't even need a prescription. Go to Claritin.com right now for a discount so you can live ClaretonClear. Use as directed. Oh, okay. This is synced. Okay. Struggling to sleep well while dating. Hi, Monica and Liz. Love the show. I'm a single 42 year old guy and would like to be in a relationship. Throughout my adult life, I've always had a lot of trouble sleeping in the same bed as a partner.

This applies to past long-term relationships as well as shorter-term dating. I've been single much of my adult life and I'm super accustomed to sleeping alone. One big factor is that I'm six-six and need quite a bit of space in bed. I'm also easily woken up by sounds, movement, and contact, and I struggle with the temperature being hotter than what I'm used to alone.

I have a king-size bed, which helps some, but frankly, it's still challenging. If I'm at her place, she likely has a queen, so that's more difficult. I've had many dating experiences where we have a sleepover, I'm then exhausted the next day. I recover after a few days, but then I see her again and repeat the cycle. I want physical affection and intimacy, but when it comes to sleeping, I would much rather do that alone. This becomes a problem because in my experience after sex, most women want to sleep together and are even expecting it. I think long-term couples who live together get used to sleeping together because they do it every night,

or in some cases they adopt strategies of sleeping in separate beds or rooms. But how do I manage this early in a relationship while dating? Should I just be really upfront with her that I have this issue? Any other strategies? Thanks, Joseph. Oh my God. It's my whole life. And it's getting worse with age. We're more easily disturbed. I have an insane sleep process where I need to sleep with earplugs,

two eye masks, a sound machine. I'm nuts. Full on. Two eye masks? Why? Because one is not. One's bad. Maybe just get one good one? No. I used to be able to sleep with one good one and now I need, it's so bad. Oh no. I have a retainer. Similarly to Joseph, I slept in the same bed as my last hookup because

I was like obsessed with him and I was like I just won't sleep That's fine But I knew I wasn't gonna sleep and I will just lie there Fully awake for hours and yeah, the next day is totally miserable So I would be so upfront also the person that you're with might also Prefer or have sleep issues or need specific things Look when it's happened to me where someone whatever whatever, I dated this guy that would like hug me and then literally turn around to the other end of the...

Like the thing Ross does where he... The hug and roll. Hug and roll. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! How many friends references can we make in an episode? He would do the hug and roll, but like without the hug. Oh, just push you over.

Kind of. Like, I mean, or just, he would just move to the other side of the bed. And you didn't like that? I did. I think I was insecure in the relationship already, but I remember that it took me a few nights where I realized, okay, this is just what he does. And at one point he mentioned, like, oh yeah, just like, I don't sleep really well. And I was like, if he had only kind of said that at the beginning, then I wouldn't have

taken it personally, right? So I would just over communicate about it. It's real. You're 6'6 on top of it. I would put that in. That's the headline. I know. But okay, not to make it gendered.

I don't want to, but I do think he's right that there's a probably fairly wide swath of women who do take offense to this. They have sex and then they left is painful to them. And I think some women are going to not be able to hear your truth, which it is the truth, but they may have been lied to before or it does seem like it could be a lie. If someone wanted to avoid intimacy, it is a good way to do it. But it's the truth. You do have to be really upfront and you have to say,

I know it seems like I'm trying to avoid intimacy. It is not that. Say it at the beginning with sort of the expectation, right? Also, like, snuggle. Don't just like have sex and then run out. That is bad. When it's sleepy time, you leave. Yes, and say, oh, I wish I could lie next to you. And like, no, say, you know, oh, like,

you're so beautiful and so ma— Okay, you hate that. I need that. No, I just think it's funny. No? No, but it's just funny. Because then you're reinforcing the fact that like this isn't about I want distance from you or like I'm grossed out by you. It's like say all the things with affirmation and words. And also one word for you, NyQuil. When I knew that I would be sleeping over,

the first few nights I would just take NyQuil or take, I know, whatever. This is not obviously a medical podcast. And it's not tenable. You can't do that every day for the rest of your life. As he said though, you do adjust to the person, but it's the first few nights. And again, the first night often where you sleep zero minutes, take a helpful sleep thing

and then you'll adjust. If this is someone that you want to eventually sleep next to and you want to get through those first few nights, like just give yourself a little help if it works. Sorry, Joseph. I know. Women are tough. Women are tough. But you're 6'6".

You'll be fine. Yeah. Exactly. You've got a You'll be fine. Yeah. Exactly. You've got a lot going for you. Okay. Oh, this is kind of interesting. Should I take a leap and cut all my hair off even though I know my partner won't like it? This is from Elizabeth.

Hey Monica and Liz, thanks for the great weekly convos. I know both of you can appreciate how important hair is to our identity. I've bounced between long bobs and longer hair my whole life, but lately I've been feeling the desire to try something totally new and a little scary for me and do a pixie cut or even a buzz cut for a really bold and fashion forward look. I might hate it, but I feel like I want to at least give it a try, especially because it represents a step of freedom for me. I mentioned wanting to try short hair to my husband and he said I could rock it.

Of course, I immediately started my vision board and picturing my cool style with it. Then the next day I brought it up again. When he realized I was serious, he got super sad. He said he loves my hair and he would be bummed if I cut it. We got into a little argument over this. He later came back and apologized for inserting himself

into a choice about my own appearance and that I should do it if I want to. I know he'll love me no matter what, but now that I realize he truly isn't into it or attracted to the idea of short hair, I'm torn. It's my body, but I recognize that we both want to look attractive to one another and he chooses looks that he knows I like. Help! Should I go for it or should I stick with what I know the love of my life prefers?

I have bad advice. Yeah, me too. I don't think you should do it. Oh! It's bad advice. Like, I know the appropriate advice. It's your life. And it's your opportunity to express your freedom.

And you should do it. You should always prioritize yourself and your needs. That's the right answer. And I think if you were my friend, I'd be like, how badly? How important is it? If it truly is, if I don't do this, I won't feel like myself. But if it's just aesthetically, this could be fun. I probably wouldn't do it. Sorry, but that's my truth. I mean, I think you could go both ways. She does mention that it represents freedom for her, but I think you're right. If it's just aesthetics

and you're just like, oh, I just feel like it and that your partner thinks he won't be into it, it might be like a daily thing that you're going to have to like get used to. I also think that he might be underestimating how much he would like it. Like it is hard to know what a person will look like. And it's hard for you to know, let alone him. And I think men have like a weird hair thing. They're like afraid of us having short hair and bangs. Like they're so opposed to both in ways that are weird

because you're like there are tons of sex symbols that have bangs and short hair. And yet they're so afraid of it. Yeah, actually, this is an interesting topic. There's a connection between short hair and like sexual or something. Like it's sexy because it's edgy. And then there's something about long hair that's like, I mean, this is very like Madonna whore complex.

It's like the long hair girl is this like virgin. I mean, this is very like Madonna-whore complex. It's like the long hair girl is this like virgin. I mean, this is made up, obviously. None of this is real. But I think that is what it's provoking is innocence. Like long hair equals innocence. I mean, this is gross, right? But I think that's what is happening on maybe, from a nice subconscious level.

And so the sex symbols having having short hair and bangs, is fun, because that's like fun for a night. But not who you want to be with. You want to... Again, I really think this is like a Madonna-whore thing. Wow. Yeah. That's giving men a lot of credit.

Or no credit. Giving them no credit. Well, that so much is going into this weird- Subconscious, I don't think it's conscious. It's just, and it's not men, it's women too, it's societal. Like I think that's a societal aura we have. I agree. That's my armchair opinion on that.

I also, this is a two word answer. I'm getting really tired. Hair grows, cut it short, and then in a few months it'll be longer and in a few months it'll be back to what it was. Yeah. We're not giving good advice because like we're tired. No, that's not why. But because this really could go either way.

Well just to take the pressure off basically, both of you. That this isn't like permanently altering your appearance. It's a haircut, which is great because hair will grow back and change. And he'll be attracted to you because he loves you. It might take a sec to get used to, but it'll, then that's, also everyone looks the same after a few days. It's true.

Like you just get used to it. It'll be fine either way. But I do think the thing to think about is how important is it to you? And if you in your heart are like, this is really important, then you do have to do it. Because you also will resent him if you don't. That's a good point. Which would be worse than him not liking it. Exactly.

And he sucks. No, I'm just kidding. Just kidding. We love him. We love him. He's great. We should do Midnight Synced more often. It's just like whatever. No'm just kidding. We love him. We love him. He's great. We should do Midnight Synced more often. Just like whatever. No, we care. We care.

We do. We do. We do. How many times have you thought about him since? Not that many. Like maybe seven times. I'm not even kidding. There were all these cute moments where he looked into my eyes and we like locked eyes. And like when I was talking talking he was like smiling. Yeah. What? Okay.

And it was just sweet. But you're right, I don't know him. That is sweet. He also has a name that works with mine. We both have one syllable first name and last name. This is the part. It's hugely important. But this is the part that's a little bit addict-y.

Of me looking at how our names will look next to each other. Yeah, after one group date. Okay, yeah. But I'm excited, you're excited. It's good for the both of us. Because it slows me down and it amps you up. It's like an upper and a downer. Depending on who takes it. Oh man.

All right. Well, what an evening. Can't believe it, it's so fun. We really do hard things, you know? We've been doing hard things since 2022. And we will continue to do so. Thanks for tuning in. Thank you. Thank you for following this chaotic adventure.

And we'll be back next week. Bye.