Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Not All ___

Episode Date: August 21, 2024

In this episode of Synced Monica and Liz reflect on men who identify as men vs men who identify as people, they discuss middling at a dinner party, and Liz shares her international airport event. They answer listener questions on asking a spouse’s permission to lose weight and when to say ‘I love you.’ Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

We're in the same location. Finally. This is the only location I want to be in. You're never supposed to go to a second location, but in this case, it's necessary. I like it. I like being in your location. Feel like, ding! Synced. I know.

You've been gone for a long time. You've been traversing. Traversing. The landscape of the world. Yes. Your parents have been visiting. Your family. My parents are in town.

Oh, which we have an update. I did mention it on a fact check because, okay, last week, me and you talked about hand-in-marriage. We had a synced squad member write in about hand-in-marriage stuff. Such a good question. And it was such a good question, and we had a conversation about it, and Dax weighed in. And then we recorded a fact check. After that, he had some updates. He was like, I've been thinking about it, and his opinion was the same.

But he had come up with another analogy. Another reason for it. Exactly. A better reason for it. So that was on the last fact check. But my dad was in town, so I got to ask him straight up. Straight to the source. Straight to the source, if that was his expectation.

He really could barely wrap his head around it. Okay. He was like, no, that's silly. He used the words, that's silly. That's the right term, by the way. That's exactly right. He was just like, why? It's true.

This is no judgment to anyone who's done that or has decided that that's important to them. But for him and my mom, well, he also was very much on the page of like, yeah, why would it just be me? That makes no sense. And then he said the thing that would make him upset is if I didn't call.

Not beforehand, because how would I know? But if after, he just like found out later or something. On Instagram? Yeah, exactly. He's like, that is offensive. But essentially, which I get, he's like, you owe us something, but this person doesn't owe us anything. I love that.

You were like, his response was, ask her. Yeah. That was so good. Yeah, he said, I would say ask her. Maybe I'm wrong, but the way that you were raised, like I don't think we could meet a lot of people whose daughters and fathers don't agree on this. I think given your entire relationship

and the way you've been raised, I think everyone must probably be aligned. That you do want that or you don't want that, or that you're neutral or indifferent. It's funny that you bring that up. Because of that conversation, and just many conversations over the course of them being here, I was really sitting

with how I've been raised. When you're just living your life and making decisions, you don't really think about that. How you've been raised really does play such a massive part in the way you see the world and how you behave. And I was really tuned into that and really recognizing like, wow, I think they've had a bigger impact than I thought.

For sure. In what specific ways does it come up for you when you think about it? I think in some of these patriarchal things that are really, really embedded in our culture. And like, I'm not saying I don't succumb to those. I do. We all do. But my dad is just really not patriarchal at all. Yeah.

And I was really seeing that. Not just in like what he was saying, but even just the way he behaves and the way he is, right? Like he defers a lot to my mom. They make a lot of decisions together. They challenge each other in a very specific way. He's not the default at all. And his opinion is not the default at all.

So like, it's interesting. It's interesting. I never really realized that they don't play those gender roles. Yeah, I have basically the same experience, which is probably why we get along so well. We have the same dad. We were saying, your dad did great with the Sim, giving me have the same dad. Yeah, we were the same. Your dad did great with the sim.

Giving me the exact same dad, but white. He did that. Yeah, he did it. He just replicated himself. He did it. But made him white. He's like, let's see what happens here. Yes.

How did this go? Pretty much. It's pretty good. It's less what they say, it's more what they do. Same thing where like my dad was so involved with taking care of us. And even when I was really young, my mom worked a lot. So my dad was the one cooking and putting us to bed, doing all of that raising.

My mom wasn't more nurtured. Domestic. Yeah, or domestic. They really shared things. And it's more in the actions. What is interesting now that you're bringing that up is, I definitely think my mom is more domestic. And I think she enjoys that.

Like, she loves to cook. And she likes plants. We all know that. She has like 400 plants. Yes. She's really into perfumes right now. She tried on so many perfumes over like four days. She had so many of those little paper sticks

that you like spray the perfume on. And we would be at a place and she would just be pulling out all these sticks and smelling them. Oh my God, she's just like on a fragrance ramp right now. Uh-huh, in her fragrance era. Yeah, she's in her fragrance era. She likes a lot of, I think, classic female tropes,

but it's just the way they talk about issues. There just doesn't seem to be any sense that the men should or do have any inherent power. And my dad says that's because Carola, where they're both from, used to be a very matriarchal society. And his mom was a very strong maternal figure. That just made him look at the world in that way. I remember studying Carola.

Like, it was this huge feminist utopia. I did development studies as my major and it was just like, I wanna go and I wanna see it. We gotta go. Yeah, we should totally do a girl's trip. With your dad. Yeah, exactly. I don't know, I have this weird analogy

and when I'm dating or at work or whatever, there are men who are men and there are men who are just people. Yes. And like, that's a great way of putting it? And it's almost this untangible thing. But even when you're on a date with a guy who's just a person and is a full person or a man and has to prove that he's a man or like, you see that it's important to him,

I think my dad has always just been a person. Yes. Like, he's not the man of the house. Obviously, two girls and my mom, so he was always the only boy. So like, there were definitely moments where, I think when I was little, I went up to my dad apparently and I was like, do my mom so he was always the only boy so like there were definitely moments where I think when I was little I went up to my dad apparently and I was like do you feel bad that you're the only boy? Like I really was like because I went to this birthday party once I got invited by a

boy in my class. I was really excited, showed up in my tights and my cute little dress and it was just boys. And I tried to integrate their culture. It was different. It was different. It was different from any birthday party I'd ever been to, because all they did was one boy was playing a video game and we were all watching him, and I started to cry. And my mom came and got me. Because I just was like...

I felt so uncomfortable. I felt so uncomfortable. You knew even then. I knew. Oh yeah, and then I did this swimming class three years later. And I remember it was the blue level. I don't know if you guys had colors, but that's how we did in Canada. Oh god, I don't know.

The swimming is blocked out. That's not. Yeah. Traumatic. Blocked out. There's no way for me to recall it. We'll find it. Anyway, in level blue, I showed up and again was the only girl.

This was a hugely dramatic moment because I, again, cried. And I was a little older at that point. I was maybe like 11 or 12. So I was a little too old to be so averse to boys and men. But I just felt this discomfort. I was like, I don't want to go back. I don't want to go back. And my mom was like, you are so going back.

We paid $125. It's 12 lessons for 12 weeks. Like you're going back. I would just cry in the car. So I never going back. We paid $125. It's 12 lessons for 12 weeks, like you're going back. I would just cry in the car. So I never went back. I don't know, did you ever like have those moments where you're with boys? I still get it. Even like I was at this dinner, I was doing a story for. And there was... Can you say anything about it or no?

I can say it's... Because it's out pretty soon. But I don't think it'll be out by next Wednesday. It'll be like the following week. But yeah, I got asked to do a cover story. Very cool. For a very cool person, for a very cool magazine. And I have such a crush on this person.

You developed a crush. I really did. And it's so inappropriate because I'm writing a story. Flip the script. This is what happens all the time. 100%. She's not into women. There's no, you know, and obviously I've made jokes about it. Like she's, she's not uncomfortable. I wouldn't be saying this if there's any level. Yes. Well, it's good to fall in love with your subjects. It is. That's what they say. Yes. That means you've formed a bond. Yeah. But all this to say that I was at a dinner the night before or we were all at this dinner and there was like a lot of women, but there were also men.

And I was like at the part of the table. This happens to me a lot, where I think people think, they're like, oh, Liz will be like, talking it in. Yeah. Yeah. Or like, oh, I'll put her next to the awkward guys that don't really mesh so that like she'll bring...

Like I middle really well, you know, the middle, the Larry David, the Curb Your... You don't know this. Okay, so there's an episode, and I think it's not the last season with the one before with Richard Kind, and it's like, are you a middle? Basically, they have a dinner party, and they don't put people who middle well in the middle. You're a middle, you and Dax, 100%.

That means you can make good conversation, you pull people in, you're not boring, you can talk, basically. If you've been to, like, a bad dinner party, you know, like, those seated din in, you're not boring. You can talk basically. If you've been to like a bad dinner party, you know like those seated dinners where you're like, oh my God, that was amazing and incredible. And then other ones where you're like, kind of like, I need this to end and like why is the food taking so long?

And that's cause there's probably bad middles. Someone who like starts a conversation, but like the topic's not really relevant to everyone or very specific to the one person they're next to. And so then other people can't really like, so... Interesting. I think I'm at... You're a very good middle.

So I've been in situations where I just want to hang out with my friends. I just want to have a good time, but then I'm between this weird tech guy and this like Brazilian real estate mogul and I'm like, okay, tell me about your relationships with your dad. Let's try and go deep here. And I do end up learning things, but... It's exhausting. So all this to say that I was in this position and I was like, you know what? I'm not gonna try

and pull these men. I don't wanna talk to three men right now. So I feel so mean. That's not mean. Again, not all women and not all men. But generally speaking, it's just so much easier for me to connect with women. And I think women are just more gifted with thinking about how you're feeling. They have empathy. Again, yes, not all.

Not all and not all. And it's mostly because men are taught these things or if you're not valued with men. But anyway, this is 18 tangents to get to. No, it's always hard. Have you ever been like, do you like being around boys, or do you feel that like, oh God, I just wish there was like a woman I could just sit down with? I think I'm good around boys.

But yeah, do I feel safer? Safer sounds extreme. I feel more at ease with women. No question. A group of men is scary. It's a different energy. Yes, that's right. For me, I think I'm on in a little bit of a different way.

If it's a group, if it's one-on-one to me, depending on the person, it's all just dependent on the person. 100%. But in groups... I remember trying to run last time I was with just a group of guys. Like that. I don't remember the last time that happened. But even on armchair...

Yeah, because if there's a male guest... And then it's just me, and then it's a different energy. Yeah, I remember, man enough, that was one of my biggest, the beginning. I was like, if there's a male guest, you're not gonna hear from me. You guys are all gonna bro out, which didn't happen, but that was my fear, because you can just get kind of erased. But then, not a dis... Again, we're just gonna diss on everybody. This episode will be called Not All. Not All.

Not All, exactly. Not All Women, and by the way, I'm literally describing myself. I think that women can also be exhausting. Even if you're tired, you're not feeling, you're like, oh, I gotta make this person feel comfortable, or I gotta ask her a lot of questions. And sometimes when I'm around guys, it's just chiller,

and I do feel like, oh, I don't have to smile so much, I don't have to be a bead, or keep up a conversation, and just be like, whatever. I think this is so much about just individual people, versus any mass characterization. 100%. My level of comfort is just across the board with so many genders. It really just depends on personality. 100%. Because my level of comfort is just across the board with so many genders.

Yeah. It really just depends on personality. 100%. But this kind of goes back to what you said, I think so eloquently, about men who define themselves as a man versus men who define themselves as just a person. If you're in a group of men who define themselves as men, then it's harder to be a woman there. Yes, and maybe that's why with these boys, they obviously weren't men yet. They were eight. They were getting there. They were getting there and learning how

to do it. And maybe, this is why I love us and this show, like I never thought about it this way, but now that we're talking about it, maybe there were boys at this party who also felt uncomfortable. Us just like watching someone play video games and like this is kind of awkward. Why aren't we talking? Like why aren't we playing games together? And they were probably like so jealous of you that you got to leave. Maybe. You had an excuse to leave. Because I'm a girl and I'm crying. You're a sissy girl. She can't handle it and she cry but really they're like I wanna go home. Yeah I wanna go home too. I hate it here. Yeah. Why are we watching this guy play video games?

Oh, right. That sucks. What kind of birthday party is that? I don't know. Again, please write in if you've been to an eight-year-old boy's birthday party and you did other stuff. Also, it's just such a bold move to invite only boys and then one girl. It's kind of sweet, I guess.

I think they thought of you as one of the guys. I don't... But that's weird, because it doesn't seem like you were being that. No. It is a funny... It's an interesting choice. But I was stronger because of it. I... I... I...

I... I... I... It was formative, like how you turned people out. This reminds me of... So many things. One is, before we get too far in, we need to tell people what's going on with this show. Oh, yes.

Which is nothing bad. We have nothing bad to report. But things are changing as Armchair... You're announcing a divorce. Yeah, exactly. It's not your fault. You didn't do anything. Don't worry. Mom and Daddy still love you. We'll both be there at your soccer games.

It's amicable. No, no, no. There's no divorce, but Armchair is moving over to Wondry starting September 1st. Because of that, only our Armchair shows are going to be at Wondry. Armchair Expert, Armchair Experts on Expert, and Armchair Anonymous will be on its own feed. You'll still be able to listen to it absolutely everywhere. Nothing's changing, except what's changing is

when you go to the Armchair Expert feed, what you see is those three shows plus SYNC'd plus Bite-Less Bird and plus any of the limited shows that we put on there. But now it's just gonna be those three. And so we're gonna put Synced on its own feed. And all that means, so simple. All that means is in order to find us,

you just type in Synced as opposed to typing in Armchair Expert, type in Synced. You'll see us there. All our previous episodes will be there. I think we'll put Race to 35 on there too. So if anyone wants to revisit that. And then all our new episodes will be there. I think we'll put Race to 35 on there too. So if anyone wants to revisit that and then all our new episodes will be on there. So subscribe, download, and don't worry when we're not on the armchair feed anymore. We're still here. You just have to type in it anywhere you get your podcast. Yeah.

It's fun to have like a dedicated feed. It little feed. We can decorate it however we want. Oh my god. Oh my god. Let's make it cute. I don't know how. But it is fun and it's just a little cleaner. You'll be able to have it all in one place as opposed to a bunch of different things.

Because I don't know how people, you know, we were talking about this the other day. People in the most wonderful interactions still come up to me and tell me about Race to 35 or that they just listened to it and tell me about Race to 35 or that they just listened to it and I'm like, wow. How'd you even find it? Yeah, I don't even know.

So yeah, it'll be easier to look it up. Please follow us over there. Continue to listen. Again, none of the content is changing. I mean, we might add some more fun stuff, maybe, but it's the same. You just have to type in. I was telling someone else about it

because I mean, just candidly, we've seen this happen multiple times, but for some reason, often when new feeds start, people are deterred by like, just newness. Change is hard. I hate change. I know, me too. I'm like excited, but when you told me at first,

I was like, oh no, change. That's a very fair feeling, and I definitely have been, like, you know, we put a door on the bathroom and I've been in like grief mode for like three months. It's crazy how we are drawn to sameness. Yeah, predictability. As we're talking about this, it's actually giving me a lot of compassion for a group of the country that is very adverse to change and progression, where we say we're like, that's crazy. How can that be? How could they not want that?

But I think part of it is just this human need for consistency. Totally. And not wanting to take those hard steps into moving forward. It's given me a little compassion. Well, compassion and accounta— it still doesn't mean accountability and to be better. But yeah. It is important to move forward, even though it's hard. But we can do hard things.

We can do hard things. As we learned in Race to 35, sink, ding, ding, ding, go back and listen to that. So there is a hurdle of like, it's not just going to drop into your feed as it is, but if you just type it in and's not just gonna drop into your feed as it is But if you just type it in and subscribe it will drop into your feed And if you do it it will mean a lot to us and it means we won't feel sad Yeah, a few days. I'm like, oh my god are people gonna and leave a review, you know Be part of our feed because we really love this show and it's so fun and the audience we have amassed is so awesome. Everyone's... I ran into this guy at a wine bar, obviously, with my parents in Culver City, random. And he was like, I love all your shows. I just listened to

Byeless Bird and he was like, and I'm caught up on sing. And he just listens the whole thing and it made me so happy and proud. And also I'm so grateful that women listen. But when I hear about men listening, I do get a little extra tingly just because as we were just talking about men's men, I could see you feeling like, well, that's not for me. We've discussed this with Anthony. Hi, Anthony.

Even though Anthony is- Our number one listener. He's a person and not a man's man, but still. Women listen to male podcasts all the time All the top ones exactly not all the top ones, but a lot of them are men I listen to male podcasts all the time constantly. Yeah. Anyway, yeah, so follow us over this isn't happening immediately We have a couple more weeks, but start but they can go and subscribe on the yeah I talked to Rob today, so I think that should go up soon.

If it's not up right now, it will be up in the next couple days. Imminently. Support for SYNCT comes from Lume. If the summer heat has you worrying about the strength of your deodorant, uh-huh, listen, we're gonna talk to you about the only deodorant you will ever need. It's called Lumi Whole Body Deodorant, and it's formulated for all the places that tend to get stinky when the weather warms up. Pits, privates, feet. Look, it's more than armpits that get stinky.

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There was, okay, there's a vulnerable event that I had in Denmark that I was thinking about you during. Oh, so you went to Denmark. I went to Denmark. That's a big event. that I was thinking about you during. Oh, so yeah, you went to Denmark. I went to Denmark. That's a big event. That's a big event. Yeah, I went to an amazing gay wedding.

How was it? It was wonderful. Even though you don't like weddings, did it turn you a little bit? No, I did. Danish weddings are the best. Danish culture in general just meshes with me so well. What about it?

This is where my story had a confronting issue because what I love about it? This is where my story had a confronting issue because what I love about it is that in many ways it's the opposite of America and even some parts of Canada. There's more similarities honestly with Canada than the US, but it's a very equitable culture and society. That's why I moved there when I was 20 because I was like obsessed with their social safety net and their ability to implement gender equality policies and to have equal representation in government, like all these things that I just was like, why doesn't this happen? What have they figured out that we

haven't? And you feel that in so many parts of the culture where like there's a term, I'm not even gonna try and say it because I'll say it so wrong. It's like, oh, okay. That's what everything sounds like. But it means you're not better than anyone else. And that's why they have like no prom queen or prom king. There's no hierarchy? There's no hierarchy because if you're prom queen, like, that's embarrassing. Like, you think you're better... Oh, it's a little tall poppy syndrome-y.

Yes, that's exactly right. Which is the opposite of America, which is America dream. Like, you're better, like fight and become the best. And I relate to that too. It's almost like I have two sides. I very much relate to that. Yes. But I see why it's problematic as well.

Totally. And so I'm back there and I'm like, it's a huge bike culture, which I don't know how to drive. And it's just not a car-centric place. And everyone's hot. Ha ha ha. Insane. How's the diversity there?

Oh, not great. There are certain areas that have more diversity, but that was one of the big things. I remember moving there and I was like, oh, got it. Okay, there's some racism and it's not this perfect place. Also, just because I have brown hair and I'm a little olive, people when I lived there were like, you look exactly like Penelope Cruz. That's what I got every... And no one here says that.

No one thinks that. I mean, I can see it. I'm not really. It's not a huge stretch. But they're like, oh my god. All this to say that I'm like, I want to move here, and then I get to the airport. Oh.

Oh, no. My idealized self-concept completely eroded, because I travel a lot, so I have a certain status with my airline. I always fly with the same airline, which is life hack. I wish I'd known that earlier than I did. But if you fly with the same airline, sometimes it means more layovers or like it's annoying or more expensive.

But at the end of the day, it's priority boarding. You'll just get better seats. It's just a better experience. And so I've gotten used to, I guess, a certain level of comfort and hierarchy where like, and so I get to the airport, I have my giant bag. I don't know what happens, but every time a cab driver helps me with the bag, they're like, are you traveling with stones? What is in this bag?

You overpack. I overpack and I don't know why it's heavy. I mean, our podcast equipment, it's not that heavy though. No, it's not. Sometimes I go like, maybe it's the mic, but... No. I know, it's not that heavy though. No, it's not. Sometimes I go like, maybe it's the mic, but I know it's probably not. Anyway, I don't know how it gets that way, but it does. But every time I fly, because I'm playing with Delta, I love Delta. I literally die for them.

So every time I play with Delta, it's over, but they put the little heavy tag and then they say it's heavy. And you don't pay. And I don't pay. I don't even know. It's like, it's heavy. And then you don't pay. And I don't pay. I don't even know. And it's like, it's a couple, I mean, I don't, literally for years, I know this is so bad.

And then she goes, oh, it's over, it's 600 Kroner, it's like 150 bucks or something. Like it's still expensive. Significant, yeah. And I just looked at her and I was like, what? I was literally like this rich white lady, like I don't understand what you're saying to me. It's over.

I was like, no, but I always fly. You're like, it's always over and I never pay. I never pay. Did you cause a scene? No, I didn't. I just looked confused. Like I'd never been denied anything in my life. And I was like, I'm gonna just go with it.

And again, she's not being rude, but I'm like, oh, okay. I guess she's right, but like I've never had to do this. So then I'm like, the person taking out the stuff. I'm so chaotic. I transfer into a second bag. I'm like doing stuff and she's like, okay, just make sure to hurry because there's passport control and your flight is like whatever. And so I'm like chill.

Like I have global entries. So I'm used to, yes, there are lines, but like I don't spend hours in it. So I get there and then I see this little cute shop. Oh no. I'm not totally leisurely, but I am like allowing myself to. What you're used to doing. Exactly. Yeah. And then I'm walking through the gates and then I'm almost at my gate and then all of a sudden I just see this huge mass of people. The biggest line I've ever seen like in the middle of the airport. And I'm confused. A lot of people are confused by the way. We didn't realize we have to go through this huge line of passport control to get to our gate. And so we're all packed in this line and I'm trying to find a guy.

I'm like, oh, where's the global entry? Like, yeah, yeah. And he's like, are you an ambassador? I was like, no. Like, you're like, no, I paid for this. Yeah, I paid 300 or whatever global entries. No, I'm just special. Like, and he's like, no, this is the line.

And I just stood there for, yeah, like, and I almost missed my flight. Like, it was so stressful. And I realized I see myself as this person that like wants no hierarchies, but then I'm like, oh, I benefit from my airline status. I'm so glad you said this. I really, really am,

because I think the problem is hypocrisy. Yeah. Right? And not seeing nothing's perfect. And I actually like pieces of this and I like pieces of this. And that's normal. That's everyone. And I think it's important to admit that, especially as someone who is vocal about a lot of important issues. It doesn't mean you're not a person. Yeah. And I actually think like it's better because if people just hear like,

yeah, I think everything should be fully egalitarian and just like, we can all wait like 15 hours and we should. And that's what it goes. All it does is make me feel like a bad person because I'm like, fuck that. No, thank you. But I guess I'm bad for liking elements of a hierarchy. But I'm not because it is very human. We are animals that come out of hierarchies.

And not to say we can't break those down. We can and should and we're evolving. But it's okay is all to say. And I think it's like good to know that there are benefits to all things. Yeah. For me, airline, higher care, whatever. I guess it's because I've gotten used to it, because travel is taxing for me,

and I wanna do less of it, but there's this sense of like, I was just in an airport two days, like, oh, I'm so tired. These people are doing this once a year, like I deserve, but it's like, no, you, I don't know, it was just very interesting. I was like, wow. Again, I love it on a governmental level. 100% taxes and I appreciated it so

much in so many ways. But then, yeah, there's an Icelandic airline that's super cheap. If you want to go to Iceland, it's like from New York. I remember it was like 400 bucks or something. I mean, this was like pre 2020. so maybe it's more now, but a very low price, easy, frequent airline, and they have no seating assignment. Like Southwest. But also they have no classes. Oh. You're like, cool.

And then you're like, depending, I don't know, it's just like. What I think is controversial to say, but I believe is true, I see it in my life a lot. People who are very liberal in their ideals and are very outspoken about all of those tenants and equality and feminism and all of these things. I don't mean you. It does sound like I'm talking exactly about you. Yeah, there's contradiction.

There's so much contradiction. And I see it pop up. It makes me so much more angry when the contradiction happens from that person than when it's someone who's just like, no, I fucking love first class and I think we should continue to have it. That's that person's point of view instead of... This is my present's point of view instead of this is my presentational point of view, but internally when push comes to shove, I

like money. I've seen that happen to people where it's like I'm anti consumerism, Amazon's horrible, yet when I'm in situations with them where money is concerned, they want it. It's not that they're like, oh, everything should be 50-50 equal. No, they're not. It's also a very liberal elite thing around the election. And there's a whole discourse on TikTok right now around these like very ultra-left progressive voices when Kamala Harris got the endorsement and became the nominee of them being like, she's a cop. Basically pointing out all these ways that she's not up to par on issues.

And it was a lot of white and there were a lot of popular black voices on the platform that were like, if you're calling for a revolution from your brownstone in Brooklyn. And again, it's not to discount anyone's opinions and whatever you can vote, however you want. But I think there's been an interesting conversation about exactly what you're talking about. I see it in misogyny a lot, where it's just like, huh, okay, this is what you say, but I see your actions behind the scenes,

and nope, it feels so much worse. It feels like such a big slap in the face. Betrayal. Yeah, it does. Truly, it feels worse than someone who's like, well, I think men should be in power. Being honest, I've always felt that way. I prefer a sexist guy over a male ally, quote unquote,

who's actually not. The level of betrayal is so much worse. And again, it's sad because it's made me very wary of any man who makes his whole brand being a feminist or even any white person who makes their whole brand being anti-racist. Exactly. That's what we want. And again, there's been some discourse around is that even possible? Do people who make this other identity group their whole brand even kosher in a way? To To me it's just so presentational.

You're trying to prove something. I mean, the most feminist guys I know have never wanted to even like, whenever I, like, oh, but you're such a great guy, you're such a great, like they never want to accept that. Yeah. Yeah. I was sorry with my dad. Like I remember like, whatever, I had this,

like this was a feminist, like a feminist t-shirt, and I was like, oh my God, because the internet loves my dad, even though he has mixed feelings about it. He is an influencer. I was like, oh, people will love you in this shirt. And he was like, no, I don't, I don't want to brand myself as like, and again, the kinds of people maybe who do want to wear those shirts. It's for a reason. It's for a reason. I mean, I like, this is a dark drop, but like, I was in a literal abusive relationship early on when I moved to New York,

and this guy literally like, would wear this what if I missed, it looks like t-shirt and post pictures of himself in that while like, being violent, you know what I mean? Like, he just... The irony. Yeah, and so now I'm very like, if you're wearing feminist merch, I'm a little skeptical. Just be authentic. I hope this is not taken as like, yeah, I so now I'm very like, if you're wearing feminist merch, I'm a little skeptical. Just be authentic. I hope this is not taken as like, yeah, I mean, if they do them, if they don't, I just

think there's like a sniff test. Not just men. No, not just men. No. Not all. Not all. Literally, we're back. Not all and not just for women too.

It's the same situation where I'm like, wait, what? You're saying this, but then you're doing this. And why don't you just do that and say it's complicated? Yeah. Because it is. Right. Okay that and say it's complicated? Yeah. Because it is. Right. Okay, let's do some cues. Yeah.

Oh my gosh, my birthday's coming up. I know, oh my god, wait. I haven't made any plans. You feel conflicted? Yeah, I didn't expect this, but I think I'm stressed about it. Okay, 37 really put me through it. Why is it? I didn't expect it to have the effect that it did,

but maybe a midlife crisis is bigger and I'm gonna be like, oh, that's so funny that I thought that that's what it was. But 37, the number did something to me. There is something about it. I just kind of want to like ignore it, and I just wanted to come and go, which is weird. But also, I think I'm gonna force myself to do something. I think it's nice.

It's a good excuse to get people you like in a room. But maybe more on that next week. But I think I am like, let's talk about it. It helped me a lot working through the feelings. After that birthday, I was like, maybe this is the last big birthday that I'm doing. Like, I don't know if I need-

But you didn't do a huge birthday or anything. You're right, you're right. I thought that was great. And there was like a reckoning of like accepting it. I'm the youngest I'll ever be and I get it. I didn't expect it. Yeah. Okay, sorry, I'm looking for the members.

No, no, no. I can't. Okay, here we go. How about this? Should I ask my partner before losing weight? Hi Monica and Liz, long time listener of the entire AE Umbrella here. Oh this is from Ray. This is an extremely taboo subject so maybe in writing this other women will hear and won't

feel as lonely. I've struggled with carrying weight and PCOS for years. I gained a lot of weight during the pandemic and no matter what exercise, how many times a week, I just cannot lose it. My husband and I are going to start trying in winter for a baby and I've always wanted to lose the weight before I get pregnant just so I can be the healthiest version of myself for the baby and for me. My husband is away on a work trip right now for over a week and I was told by a doctor I would be a great candidate for a semi-glutide to help lose weight. I am beyond devastated in how I look and I really think I want to do it. I guess my question is do I

need to ask permission or ask my husband his opinion on it? Or can I just say, FYI, I'm on these pills now. Ozempic and other semaglutides are so new and everyone says it's the easy way out and I'm not sure what his response would be. Thanks, ladies. Really good question. I always land on the side of like, no, you don't ever have to ask anyone permission

to do whatever you want to your body. But, I mean, yeah, period. That is how I feel. And then, I do think it's something to share. Because remember when we had the person who found the erectile dysfunction pills, and it was kind of like, why wouldn't he tell her? And that felt a little weird. I mean, this is sort of like that, but that was a man's body, and this is a woman's body, which is interesting, because with a man's body, it was like, maybe you should share. And for this,

I'm like, you don't need to do anything. But it's all the same. It's all about intimacy and connection. And I think you do what you want to do. And it seems like you want to take these and do it, see how it goes. But I would definitely tell your partner. I don't think it's a big deal. It's so, at this point, common, and it's helping so many people. You've checked in with your doctor, like you've done all the right things, and it sounds like it would be really helpful to you,

so why not do it? And I would not ask for permission. I don't think you should ask for permission to be on any medication, exactly, anybody, but you certainly can let your partner know. And if you do have reservations about it, I would discuss it with him because he's your partner

and it's a great thing to talk about with your partner and chat through. But if you decide that you want to do it, I would just share, I'm gonna do this. And my doctor says it's a good idea and I wanna do it. I've also been prefacing more when I'm entering conversations that make me a little anxious,

whether they should or shouldn't. I've been saying that more out loud before the conversation starts to the person like, hey I want to talk to you about something for some reason I'm kind of nervous to say it but I went to the doctor we talked about blah blah blah blah and you tell them and I think just saying like I'm sort of uncomfortable to talk about it or I feel a little nervous, lets the person in onto your emotion. And then hopefully, if they're kind, they won't be like, well, why are you doing that? Because they know you already feel a little bit sensitive.

Or you can say like, this is a little bit of a sensitive topic for me. So I'm kind of like, feel a little weird about talking about it, but I obviously wanna include you and I want to tell you that I wanna try this. I think prefacing will help you. It'll just help you like set the groundwork. And be honest about how you're feeling. Of course, when I read that you're upset with your body, that's sad. Of course, I want you to hear

from us like, you're perfect and you don't need to do anything. Of course. And you are. Yes. But if it is going to make you feel better, that is the only thing that matters. Oh yeah. I think a year ago when it was new, it's probably been around for more than a year, but I think in a mainstream way.

Yeah, they've been around for a long time, but in this new fashion. Right. Of not just extremely wealthy people having it. Or again, maybe I have a misunderstanding of what it was, but I think less people were on it or it was less available. It was less mainstream. I've just had so many friends be on it and it's helped them in so many ways even not big weight loss but you know at a friend who has diabetes and has different autoimmune issues and just losing those 10 pounds helped turn all these other ways. I just think why not? So anyway maybe there's this perception but I just think, why not? So anyway, maybe there's this perception, but I just think like, screw it. You're living at this during this time where there's this drug

that could help you in ways that have not been available before. This is just exciting. Take the opportunity. Yeah, take it and bring that energy to the conversation. If you're being very like, oh, he might read into it or be concerned. And I think if you come in excited, and it's a little different from what you're suggesting, which again, don't fake anything, but come in with the energy that you want him to be receiving it. Yeah, share your true emotion behind it, whatever that is.

And maybe it's both. But also, look, people do have opinions on these things, and they don't belong to you. People have opinions on everything. People have opinions on antidepressants. I'm not going to not take them because people's opinions on them, when it helps me, you just have to take care of yourself.

You do, and typically, like, if we have good partners, whatever medication it is, whether it's antidepressants or Ozempic or whatever other form of it, usually your partner's just happy. If it's a good medication for you, yeah, and you're not struggling as much, then that's wonderful. And it helps your mood. If you're happier or feeling confident,

that's gonna bleed into your relationship too. Oh my God, 100%. And your doctor, if you're happier or feeling confident, that's going to bleed into your relationship too. Oh my god, 100%. And your doctor, you know. Yeah, weighed in on this. They weighed in on it and it can be helpful in so many ways. So I would just think your partner would be excited that you are seeking a treatment that's right for you.

Yeah. Okay, great. When do you say, I love you? This is from Sarah. Oh, I already love it. Hi, Monica and Liz. I'm currently in a committed relationship with a sweet man. When do you say I love you? This is from Sarah. Oh, I already love it. Hi, Monica and Liz. I'm currently in a committed relationship

with a sweet man. We had our first date December 30th, 2023, and have been official since February 25th. I started falling in love with him early on and have known I was for sure in love with him since March. However, we have still not said I love you. We often tell each other we like each other a lot and have big feelings, but I think both

of us are scared to say the L word. I have been really hurt in the past by being the first one to say these words and have not had the best reaction. I really wanted to wait for him to say it first this time around, but I'm becoming impatient. Shouldn't he know after six months of monogamously dating each other? Should I swallow my fear and say it first even if he's not ready to say it back? Help. I was just watching the episode of Sex and the City

on the plane where she says I love you and he doesn't say it back. What do you think? I mean, you're in love with each other. You've been dating for six months, and if you're not, then you shouldn't date anymore. Sorry. That is such a Liz answer that you're in love

because you've been dating six months. I mean, okay, I'm pretty, yeah. I think you're probably right. And then if you're not, because you've been dating six months. I mean, okay, I'm pretty, yeah. I think you're probably right. And then if you're not, then you want to know, because like, do you really want to keep dating this person if they're not sure after six months? Yeah. Do you think you would last that long,

six months without... Without being in love? Yeah. You would? Yeah. Monogamously? I guess I don't know. It just depends on the person,

because if I'm enjoying them a ton, if it's just like, this is super fun and I'm enjoying it, but I don't necessarily know if I'm like, this is a lifetime type of love. Maybe not. But my take on saying I love you in general is, I think you say it when you just want the person to know it's true. And it's not actually about hearing it back. I know this is like really hard

and it's easier said than done, but it's such an overwhelming feeling for you and that you are gaining from loving, not from just being loved, but from that perspective, you're gaining something. I think that's when you share it. There's no expectation, because it's not about that. It's not like I'm saying this to know if you love me back. It's just, I'm saying this because I want you to know

that that's how I feel. But then, like, they don't say it back. Would you feel okay about that? Because even, again, in the episode of Sex and the City, she says, he hasn't said it back, so he has a few weeks or we break up. Because what do you do? Can you keep dating someone after you've said I love you

and they don't? Well, I guess it depends on how they react. If they say... There's only two ways. I mean, you either say it back or you don't. But if they say like, that's really hard for me to say. Oh yeah. What if they say this? I love spending time with you. God.

And this is also a Friends episode too. I love spending time with you, but I'm not ready to say that. How do you... Well, here's the thing. Here's the real truth. Does it change if you love them? I think you're lying to yourself if you think it does. No, but it changes how much you're gonna invest in the relationship. It might change that, but then that is information.

But you shouldn't regret saying what is your truth. I think we both agree in the sense. It might change that, but then that is information. But you shouldn't regret saying what is your truth. I think we both agree in the sense that I think she should say it. Yeah. If you're feeling it, it's been six months. You're getting impatient, you want. You want to. Also, I feel like when you say I like you a lot,

it's like code four. Cause again, I've been in that situation, it's like, I like you so much. Again, I'm a recovering codependent, but like I just feel like that means I'm trying not to say I love you. Because when do you say that to anyone? I like you so much. You don't say that if you're at the point

where you're saying those things. No, okay, wait. Someone has said that to me. They probably loved you. No. Or we could do it the bachelor way. Flash bachelorette. Which is, first they say...

First comes love, then comes marriage. Yeah. For sure. And they're two days apart. They say, I'm really falling for you. Oh. It's like that means I'm falling in love, basically. So you could say like, I'm really falling for you.

Like, and again, you gauge the reaction, and if they say it back, that means that they're falling in love. Yeah, that's a good middle ground. I still think you should say it, but also it's scary. Of course it is. This is the unfortunate truth. You love him. Yeah. So there's no going back from that. To me, it's like you might as well say it. It's your truth. All the times I've said I love you first, it was by mistake. Like, it literally comes out. Also, it is gonna come out.

It's gonna come out at the funniest, and it does. I remember with my ex, David, we were like, whatever, a few dates in, or, sorry. Yes. Date number two, and I'm kidding. I made him wait seven dates to even kiss me. That was like our big joke, because he was very scary, because he was older than me, so ready for like a commitment

and like so available and I was like a little freaked out. But it was Christmas and he'd given me this super sweet like typewriter, pink typewriter, because he knew I was a writer. And like, and I remember I was trying not to cry but I was like super moved. And then I go into the cab leaving his place and I'm like, bye!

Literally like the door closed, I'm like, I love you! And then we both just are in shock and laughing and then the cab just drives away. And I was like, oh my Literally, like, the door closed, I'm like, I love you! And then we both just are in shock and laughing, and then the cab just drives away. And I was like, oh my god, that's so funny. Like, it just popped out. But OK, this is a different type of conversation. Now in 2024 in America, everyone says, I love you all the time, right?

All the time. It's just popping out of everyone's mouth with your friends, with people you've met twice. It's just a constant. It's true. If I was dating someone and they got in the car and they were like, bye, I love you, I wouldn't even hear that as I love you.

I would just hear that as like, oh yeah, that's a sign off that people are doing these days. Guys don't do it as much. You think a guy would just love you? I mean, I guess they do, but it's common with women. I mean, my guy friends, we all say it. My guy friends say it back, but they don't initiate. This is so annoying.

There's a vacuum. You think we can hear it? Holly. Oh, no. Seems like they're doing. Maybe he's almost done. I feel like he's just getting started. No, no, I can hear him coming back down. Oh, oh, it's out. Okay, it's in the hallway.

This happened before. Sounds. Jess got his colonoscopy yesterday. Oh. Yeah. And actually it made me think we should get colonoscopies at the same time. Like we did race to 35. 100%.

But I think we have some time. But actually I don't know. I've had one. You have? Yeah, because of my stomach issues. Because you're having stomach issues. And I'd never put on a tampon, and I was 19, and I got my period, so I had to go both holes.

They were going to go up my butt, and I had to go up my... Okay, perfect. They worked. They're like... They're like, we don't want to hear about that. When you had your colonoscopy, did you have to take the pills or did you drink the drink? I drank the drink. How much poop? I moved the TV into the bathroom,

because we didn't have iPhones back then. And I just watched Friends for, you know, 12 hours while I could. What did Jess do? A pill? I don't know. I kind of want to call him. Call him. It has nothing to do with what we're talking about. We really took a tangent because of the vacuum. Right. But I do think colon health is important.

It's very important. A lot of people under 35 are getting colon cancer. I know. It's a huge problem A lot of people under 35 are getting colon cancer. I know. It's a huge problem. Maybe I do need to get one. I think you only have to start when you're 40. I think it's 50. I think it's 50. I think it's 50.

I think it's 50. I think it's 50. I think it's 50. I think it's 50. Hi. Hi, you're on sync. I'm on sync. Hi.

I'm on sync. Is that like unhinged? Exactly. Yes. Oh my God. The vacuum. There's a vacuum. I think you can hear it,

but we really wanted to check in on your colonoscopy. Liz had one too once. She said she brought her TV into the bathroom so she could make her poops. Oh, so she did a podcast about her colonoscopy? No, this was pre-podcasting. This was pre-podcasting, although we did just say maybe the two of us should get colonoscopies

at the same time and do that, but I wanted to know how it went for you and also about how the pooping went. Race to Aspeth, I don't know what you'd call it, too. Yeah. Your next podcast. I feel good, it was all clear all night last night and this morning. Clear yellow, I said, and they're like, oh, that's good.

Oh, the poop? Lots of jello, white grape juice. I like white grape juice. The beef broth was not my favorite, but I added some Maldons, which makes everything great. Obviously. I watched all of Hacks. I watched Half of Evil. So I watched two seasons of Things.

And then let's see, my butt was a little sore this morning from all the pooping. And then I got there and I was 232 so I felt like I lost 5 pounds. I know it's not real, but I really felt like I was a skinny girl. I was very skinny this morning and it was pretty easy breezy. I went in, they put anesthesia on me and then I woke up and I was a little groggy. I'm still a little groggy. My friend Chris came and picked me up. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was working. Otherwise I was. And then we got breakfast burritos. Oh, nice. So you feel fine now body wise? Yeah I'm pretty much fine. I mean earmuffs, I think I'm not allowed to drink but I think I can whine it out. I asked her to whine it out.

What? I think on the new protocol it says I can drink. I think it actually says I should drink today. Yeah, yeah I think it says that. I think you have to. Yeah. But I think she winked at me and put a spell on the Xerox because the one I got it says you should and the original one It said I shouldn't okay Originally, you know that was antiquated and they've updated

Yeah, yeah How often were the bowel movements good question once they started cuz it took an hour and a half for it to get going, the skiddly-doo started moving. Once the skiddly-doo started moving, it was once every 45 minutes. But no pain. Oh, that's good. For any bottoms out there who's douche before, it was like, ugh, oh, not for me. Oh, you're like, I used to this. Okay, that's good. You douche? No, I didn't douche. No, in general, she's asking if you douche.

Oh, I douche before sex, yeah. Nice. Yeah, bottoms do this. I didn't know that they were gonna find polyps immediately, so that made me a little nervous right before I went under, and I woke up and I go, polyps? And he said it really groggy, and he goes, no polyps. Yay, no polyps.

That's great, that's great. Okay, so all in all, that was it. Those were the main questions. We just wanted to check in on you and also teach people about colon health. Yeah. Yeah. I'm glad I did it. Love you girls. Okay, love you. Bye. Bye. See, love you. Oh God, we did it. See, but we said it first. No, he said it. He said it?

I don't even remember. He said it, I think. He said, love you girls. Love you. That's what he said. And that's what happens. And so that's why I think... Love you doesn't count, but I love you.

The I is important. It's huge. It's everything. It's massive. I think is the whole point. And eye contact. Well, again, I. Yes.

I. It's all I. It's both eye contact and the, again, eye. Eye. It's all eye. It's both eye contact and the word eye. If you have both, it's real. Have you ever said it like that, like looked in someone's eyes and said it and then do you cry? Again, because it always comes out of me. So every time it's like a funny bit.

My last boyfriend, the same thing where we're just like, it was very early too. It was like way too early, but we were like goofing around and I was like, oh, I love you. And I was like, oh, and I put my hand on my mouth. I was like, oh I love you, and I was like, ah! And I put my hand on my mouth. I was like, no, no, no, I didn't say it, you know, and it's just cute. Oh, that's funny.

But I don't think you should make it serious though. It's in a little moment. But sometimes it's not serious, but when you're really feeling it. Totally, but I prefer it in a casual, cause I think it's cuter. This is mixed messages from you. Oh, interesting.

And maybe from me too. I feel like normally we'd be reversed on this. I'd be like, keep it really cash. You're right, you're right. Don't make it intimate. And you'd be like, no, I really want it to be special. But you don't. No, because when you know you love someone,

sometimes it's a big gesture or like a big thing they do and you're like, wow. But usually it's like, they're literally just, I remember this boyfriend I had very young, early 20s, but he just like flipped this bottle cap and like kicked it and looked at me and was like, huh. And I was like, oh literally just, I remember this boyfriend I had very young, early 20s, but he just like flipped this bottle cap and like kicked it and looked at me and was like, oh! And I was like, oh my God, I love him. It's usually like in a dumb moment.

I think that's the time you say it. I agree. Yes. I'm happy for her that she's in love. Me too. Sweet. It's so fun. It's lucky and it's fun.

And even if it doesn't go exactly the way you want, you can remember that. Loving someone is a very good feeling. There's also like, okay, one last goofy way I did it once with a Danish-Denmark boyfriend that I... King? No, the one that I dated after King. His friend, but whatever.

But we dated for like two years. It was very serious. But I remember he left, we, you know, or I left Denmark and we had this time together, it was really sweet. And then he had told me that he left, we, you know, or I left Denmark and we had had this time together, it was really sweet. And then he had told me that he used to spell, I love you, like, I love you in Denmark is ja eskaldi, like, I love you. And he was like, oh, I used to spell it with an A instead of an E or like, I remember there was just this funny spelling that he would do with it.

And so I remember writing him an email, I think back then, because we didn't, were we? I guess you could text. But again, this was pre-iPhone. It was 15 years ago. So in an email, I think I wrote like, yeah, eskadi with the little mistake, so that it was like a cute, casual, but like still a way of declaring that.

Don't try and plan it. But I just think it's better when it feels not casual, but just normal. That it's not this big grand gesture and you're not putting all this pressure on the person to say. I agree. I definitely agree with that. Yeah.

But I think you should say it. Fun. Good luck. Good luck. All right. Well, I think that's it for today. We'll see you next week. We'll still be on the armchair feed next week, but we'll probably have our feed up and going

by next week. So go over there next week, but we'll probably have our feed up and going by next week. So go over there, subscribe, and we love you guys. Keep writing in. We love these questions. We really do. They get better and better every week. I didn't think it was possible. All right.

Love you.