Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Roommate People

Episode Date: April 10, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica declares she's running for office based on an unconventional platform, the two talk about the importance of walking away, and Liz breaks a very important camera. They revisit the cliffhanger question from last week and answer a new question concerning the sharing of intimate objects. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello. Cute pants. Thanks. It's really like wide pants. Like the wider the better. I love wide. Is that what's going on? I like wide pants.

It's definitely a trend, but also skinnier pants are also coming back in. They are. But not, I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not.

I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. I'm not. Like the wider the better, is that what's going on? I like white pants. It's definitely a trend, but also skinnier pants are also coming back in. They are. But I'm not taking that on. I don't want to go back. Yeah, I'm not going back. We're on the same page. Yeah, we're synced. So they're coming back even though it's...

I feel like there's a lot of millennial stuff I'm learning. Have you come across stuff where you're like, I do that? Like what? Doing the peace sign. It's almost like a thing I can't stop myself from doing. It's like an impulse. It's an impulse and I do it and I hate it. I'm like why am I doing? Sometimes I'll do double. Oh, that's interesting. Well, I know there was a whole thing about the side part being millennial. Now I'm in middle part and now side part is coming back in.

But I fully doubled down on a side part during that pushback because it looked good on me. As an act of protest or aesthetics? No, because I'm not just going to look bad because you think that's out. If blue eyeshadow looked best on me, I would do it. I think you'd look great with blue eyeshadow. Now you've said it and I kind of can't. But no, I, I, okay, but also why do things keep going away and then coming back? What's going on? That's always the way it is. Trends cycle.

But that things are out. Things weren't out in the way that they were with the side parts with again, that they were like millennial coded. People people were kind of shamed I can't remember a thing like that in like a while I think that's oh we're just not that age like in the 70s all over the holds now oh like we're the ones that had it originally and then it went out and then is back you know how your mom's always like that was in style when I was young my mom that says that a lot. That's this, right? Yeah. Gen C's are retro millennial. In the way that we like, I would go to 80s nights and then dress up and oh God.

But not dress up. No, no, no. When we were young, remember, flare jeans were in. All in. Yes, all in. Obviously. That was from the 70s. That then went out and then came back. So fashion is a cycle. Yeah, I got it, got it, got it. Speaking of makeup, I had a makeup event. I didn't attend a makeup event. I endured a makeup event.

So I've been playing with makeup because I've been watching all these makeup videos and Sephora same-day delivery. That's all part of it. It's all part of the problem. So I bought all this makeup and I've been playing with it and I had plans on Friday to hang out with Anna and then Jess. We were going to see Dune too. We didn't end up seeing it, but we're seeing it tonight. But I wore it and then I go and I meet Anna and she doesn't say anything.

But then at some point she's like, you have ding ding ding. She was calling out there was something on my face. But it actually wasn't on my face. I just had like a little clump of mascara and she was not on my face in my lashes. And she was telling me to like get it out. Which I was glad she told me that. Would you do that? Honestly, no, because I don't even think I would notice it.

When she said, oh, you have, I was like, oh, fuck, like it's under my eye or it's on my eyelid and it wasn't. So the thing in the teeth is a no. Thing in the eye, like if it's a makeup event, does it change things for you? Do you feel less bad about intervening? If it's obviously so unintentional, like the mascaras, like on the eyelid. Yeah, I probably would because for some reason that doesn't feel embarrassing. It's all about embarrassment.

Anyway, she said that and then I was like, oh yeah, I'm wearing makeup. And she was like, no, I noticed. And then I felt so anxious about it because she noticed, but she didn't compliment. So then I was like, Oh my God, it looks bad. And then Jess came and I was like, I'm wearing makeup. And he was like, I know. And I asked, is it too much? He said, no. And I also know it's not too much, because I don't do too much when I am wearing makeup. But I was wearing concealer under my eyes. My eyes were bright, which is why people do it. It's like good for your face.

But I guess it pushed it over the edge into a lot of makeup. So they were giving me a bit of a hard time in a funny way. Because then I saw Anna again this weekend and I said, you shamed me about my makeup. And she said, well, we need to talk about it. And then I thought she was going to say like, oh yeah, you were wearing way too much. And then she said, if someone's doing something new,

I don't like to say. She said if she had something new, like if she was trying makeup, if somebody called out, she wouldn't like that. Oh. So she was trying to be respectful. Interesting. Everyone has a different...

Because I would feel like you, especially if like you haven't done something and then you're doing it and like I noticed, but they're not following that up with a compliment. They should say, oh, wow, yeah. It's like if you got your haircut and you're like, I got my haircut, yeah, I noticed. And then you don't follow it up.

I did get my haircut. I love it. Ha ha ha. Haircut is tricky actually, because if you tell someone you got their haircut and you didn't notice, you actually want people to notice your haircut. You want them to notice if it's a pot. You don't want people to notice and then not like it.

I would rather you don't know why I look uglier, but like not as opposed to like, oh yeah, your haircut. And then that's the end. You need to follow that with like, it looks great. Or do you tell your friend? I mean, this was, I had a debate with my friends around this. One of our friends dyed her hair and she was like, I had to tell her.

I couldn't say that it was nice. You did? No, I wasn't involved in the situation, but she was like, I had to tell her. I couldn't say that it was nice. You didn't? No, I wasn't involved in the situation, but she was like, if they're your friend, do you tell them that their haircut looks bad? If they tried something new, I mean, we had a question about that with makeup. Do you say something?

What can you do about someone's haircut though? It's too late. So then they're just living with this haircut and knowing that people don't like it. I don't think that's good. Also, unless it's just like threatening their job, who cares if you have a bad haircut? If you like it, I'm just happy. Who cares what I think?

Yeah. Are you wearing concealer? I always wear concealer. Yeah, it looks nice and bright. Thank you. I'm not wearing it today because I'm scared. Okay, but wait, like, were you kind of nervous about wearing makeup? I don't wear makeup that much anymore.

I love buying it and I love having it and looking at the packaging and the pretty colors. But for a while, it's mainly a time thing. I just don't build in time at all for it, so I don't really do it. But since I've been watching my makeup videos and getting back into it, also, I'm so my mom. It's just one of those things that it pops out and it hits you like a ton of bricks that you're

your mom or your dad. My mom loves makeup videos and sort of same thing. She'll like buy products and then she does do her makeup sometimes, but barely. And then she's sort of obsessed with watching makeup videos. Interesting. Yeah. Did she love makeup when you were growing up? Or is it like a new found passion? I think she liked it, but there weren't makeup videos way back when. So she liked it and she would buy stuff.

I wouldn't call her like a huge skincare makeup enthusiast back then. Now she is. And I am too. And I'm her. Well, I mean, I am my mother and dad in a million ways, but I'm the opposite in that respect where I'm the black sheet of the family. Every time I'm around my mom, she'll say, You're wearing so much makeup.

She does. And like, it's not, it looks good. It's not a compliment. It's a like, she'll look at me like I'm a disappointment. Which I am, I'm sure in many ways. Because she thinks that's not feminist? Oh, probably. I think she thinks I'm pretty without it or whatever.

You are. But I think she views it as me modifying myself. You feeling insecure so you have to change your face? I mean, she's always worried about something. But when I was young, did your mom police what you were wearing? No. No? I don't think they noticed what I was wearing.

I think sometimes they like eye rolled a little bit at the trends, speaking of trends. Remember when jeans stopped basically at your labia? I can't believe we did that for so long. They were one inch. The zippers were as long as a... I don't even know. Safety pin. A safety pin. That was a zipper.

And as soon as there was any movement whatsoever, your ass crack was out. Lucky for me, I think my ass crack is on the lower end. Me too. Oh, I think me too. Really? Yeah, because I never had this issue. So Kat, my friend I've known for my whole life with stinky feet, her name in my phone

currently is crack because we constantly laughed because we could constantly see her cracks because her crop was high. Both of them. I had no crack on the front and no crack on the back. Oh, I thought you meant vagina. It's like, oh my God. That would be so awful. What if your vagina crack started at like your belly button? Oh no. I mean, somewhat that might... I'm sure if that is you, great. It's okay.

Great for your body. Look, there's all kinds of different bodies out there, but nobody was made for those. No, they weren't. Nobody. Okay, so she had cleavage and a butt crack. Yeah, and like her boobs weren't even that big and her butt wasn't even that big, but somehow they were always in view. So we called her crack and I still have her as crack in my phone.

And she just laughed. Yeah, she did. She seems very, like so easy going. She is easy going. My God. She's like, I don. She is easygoing. My God. She's like, I don't care about my feet smelling. I don't care about my butt cracking thing out. Kat is legitimately my inspiration.

No wonder you guys are best friends. Because I'm the complete opposite. I'm not easygoing and I'm like stressed out about everything. And I still remember this. We were 19. We went to Amsterdam. We were like traveling on our own for the first time. and then we had a digital camera, which was so huge It was you I don't know the cannon

Cannon obviously and there's several hundred dollars very expensive new fun thing on the first day of the trip This is maybe gonna get me canceled But we are at the Anne Frank Museum and we literally take a selfie with Anne Frank Liz It's a statue! Like, it wasn't like a sad Anne Frank. You were just taking a picture at the museum. Yes. Outside of it there was like a statue of Anne Frank and we were like, let's take a selfie.

And then we were like, let's look at the photo. And then we both have ADHD, which we've later found out in life, but it was meant that we were like a lot together. And we just, the camera just slipped in both our hands and then fell to The ground and broke into million pieces in front of and in front of it. Oh What is oh god This is so stressful If I was with you guys, I would have just walked away

Like I'll meet you guys tomorrow. That's my favorite move of yours. I have a lot of moves I admire but your walking away move I feel like needs to be we can go into it pin okay, because I think it's an inspiration to everybody Anyway, the camera falls it breaks into million pieces after Amsterdam. I'm going home She's going for a month in like Belgium and like other stuff. So I'm going oh my god This is the beginning of her trip. She bought this camera and it just broke She won't be able to take any photos and I'm just looking at her and she goes Oh well, and then I go are you okay? Like are you upset? Oh my god. You won't be able to take any photos

She's like well literally like a Buddha at the age of 19 She goes well I could either have a broken camera and have a bad day or I could just have a a broken camera. So I'll just choose to have a broken camera. Wow. And I was like, mind blown. And I like think about that on a not a daily basis, but like a monthly basis. That's incredible. She's just on another level. And she's cool. She's not like an annoying person with wisdom. Like she's like a cool person that's just figured it out. She's great. Where'd she get that? That's a really good question. Not from me and hang out with me all the time.

Her parents? I think her parents don't talk about negative stuff. My family was the opposite. Like they avoided negative stuff? Maybe. Everything comes with both, right? Exactly. So in my family, we talked about all the negative stuff, and it meant I felt like I could tell my parents a lot of things, but it also was like, can we fucking chill and be a normal, happy family sometimes?

So I think she had that, but it came with so many positive... They're very growth mindset kind of family. How would you have reacted when you were 19 if together we had broken your camera? At 19, I would have been upset. Not now, but that's my privilege because I'm thinking about the lamp. Remember when the lamp broke at my house?

I did not care. But that is because I know I can get another lamp. At 19, I probably wouldn't have been able to get another camera, so I probably would have been pissed. And I probably would, if I'm being introspective, I probably would have been pissed at you. Yes, because I'm involved. Well, you probably made me take the selfie,

and I didn't want to, and the camera broke and I knew in my head like I knew we should not have done this and then I'm a little angry. I'm not the type of person who if I'm angry I just let it linger and linger and linger. I would have been angry for like the walk to whatever we went to next. And then it would have been done. Are you like that now? Are you not a resentful person? Even now, if I am upset with someone, I guess it depends on the depth of why I'm upset.

If there's like a real thing I have to work through, then that might take a bit. That's normally something I would just do with my therapist. But in general, if I'm upset, I do think I get over it quickly. I hate just like a lingering fight. There's nothing I find more annoying at this stage in life where it's just three or four days of a fight.

It's like, no, let's just be done. It's like, we can be done with this. And I think that comes from my parents. My mom, she's not like this anymore at all, but at one point when I was younger, if her and I got in a fight, which we did all the time, she sometimes would stay mad at me longer than I was mad. And then I was extra upset by that.

Like now we have to sit in this, I'm over it. You're refusing to get over it. Now we're stuck here. So I think I learned sort of quickly after fights, like I'm ready to move on and not just had this like awkward few days. I don't enjoy an awkward few days. I mean, it's the worst, especially when you're living with the person. I think what I struggle with is, because you don't want to be blaming other people, right? Because that just means you're poisoning yourself with this resentment. But then what's the middle ground between like blaming other people and then blaming yourself?

Sometimes I feel like I've gone to either end, where I'm overly taking responsibility. That's like my part in it and what I could have done differently, which I think is all good. But then I'm kind of using it to like shame myself or punish myself or again Then it's staying longer again than it needs to be it's something I'm like I haven't figured out Well understanding your part is huge But I think for me not necessarily to understand what you've contributed which is important to know but also To know that that's just the other person.

That's who they are. It's their personality. Let's go back to the museum. If I was with you and you were like, let's take a selfie, let's take a selfie, let's take a selfie. And I was like, no, but then I did it. And then the camera dropped. I would one have to be like, if I really didn't want to do it, I should have not done it.

That's on me. And two, that's Liz. Liz likes taking selfies and she wants that and that's something she enjoys. I just have to know that about you. If I know that about you and I accept that, which you have to accept, people are a bunch of things. Like you have to take them as a whole. You can't just pick the pieces you like about people. People have parts that you don't love, but it doesn't mean anything. I think it's so helpful to just be like, of course that happened because then you can laugh because you have actual acceptance and you're not like, why'd they do that? It's like, well, they did that because

that's who they are. I'm using a benign example, obviously, even in big examples where people do not great stuff. If you're like, that's who they are, like in their soul, then you get to make decisions. You can say, I want this person in my life, so I'm going to accept that. Or I can't accept that. So I can't have this person in my life Right, which is a perfect segue to our pen about walking away. Yes, so I have been walking away More

My therapist taught me this this was a few years ago She told me and this is sort of an Al-Anon thing too. You can leave any room Wow And this is sort of an Al-Anon thing too. You can leave any room. Wow. That just stuck with me when she... Because I, at that time, Juan felt like I had to fix everyone,

I had to fix everything. It was on me. These are all things I put on myself. No one else was doing that. I have to police what's going on here. When people are treating me poorly, I have to fight back, I have to stand up for myself. I have to push back on things that I don't think are right. And no, she's like, if you are not being treated properly, you can leave. And so I've been practicing that.

And I love like walking away is different. Running away. It's not slamming the door. I'm running away from this where I'm like being angry. It's like walking away is such a caring way to do it for everyone involved. Yeah. It's like, I'm not going to go here. I'm not going to let this escalate to a hundred. I'm not doing it.

I'm leaving. It's an option. And how does it feel when you do it? How it feels so good. And it's so much better cortisol wise. There's not the cortisol dump you get when you engage in like a crazy fight. Again, that's like from my childhood.

I just fought all the time with my family. So I'm used to that. And that's the pattern that I find myself in a lot. And it is very comfortable for me. Walking away was not. So now doing it and seeing like, oh, I don't have this crazy adrenaline. I don't have feelings of regret

because I didn't say anything I wish I didn't say. I'm leaving on like the high road. You feel better after. Yeah, like a classic Al-Anon thing, like is you stay in conversations longer than you want. You stay in relationships longer than you want. You stay in situations longer than you want. You stay in relationships longer than you want. You stay in situations longer than you want. Even when it's like small, when it doesn't even matter is when you maybe even, I don't

know, I notice it the most when I'm like, why am I not ending this conversation if I want to end it? Why am I uncomfortable? So I love that. Well, I also think women are trained to stay in situations they're not comfortable in for the sake of others. Yeah, I was at a coffee shop over the weekend and I was literally working on this feminist essay, kind of about this.

And this woman and this man were sitting next to me and at one point he just gets up and she's like, are you leaving? Hello? Hello? And he walks out, he walks out and he crosses the street, he has a big car that's like, has a lot of stuff on it. He gets in the car and she runs after him.

I see this whole scene of her like, he's driving away, she's trying to talk to him, like, and he ends up leaving. She comes back in and I'm like, I'm trying not to look at her because I'm like, oh my god, I would be so embarrassed. And then she proceeds to like, call him and start yelling at him, but also being like, how could you? And like, you don't even care.

But I'm like, why are you? And again, I've been there. And I think so many women have where you're being so mistreated. And also this guy clearly is just not, I mean, if you're just walking away from someone, you're not even able to like have a conversation about, like this was different from you.

But that's what I was about to say, how do we know? We don't know what's going on with them. Maybe he was walking away from a bad situation. Maybe, you're right. Actually, I read it that way. Also, my take on based on what you're telling me is that is what he did. If she's screaming at him in public... On the phone, yeah.

...before he left, she was like, -"Are you leaving?" And like... -"I mean, the detail that I'm leaving out is..." It just like didn't seem... His car, there was like a lot going on with them I don't think either of them was very regulated and even why is he on the phone with her then like we kind of fight people to be treated well instead of sometimes just being like I'm not yeah I'm gonna walk away from this and I

think again particularly with women trying to convert someone into a different person than they are is I think something that I know I did way too much and I hope girls are learning not to do. It's hard. Yeah. Support for Sync'd comes from ZocDoc. We love ZocDoc. We love ZocDoc. It's a free app and website where you can search and compare highly rated in-network

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you see their rating, and you then can literally book on the website. You don't even have to call this place. You can just make the appointment and then go. Go to zocdoc.com slash synced and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top rated doctor today. That's z-o-c-d-o-c dot com slash s-y-n-c-e-d. Zocdoc dot com slash synced. Support for Synced comes from Skims. I was just talking about Skims the other day with a fashion friend of mine and she was raving. I was looking for a bodysuit and I was like, I'll buy it with Skims because I know it's going to look good and it's going to also

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["Sexy Girl"] Speaking of feminism, so I was listening to, nobody's listening, right? My favorite podcast. And they have this sort of ongoing debate about the word bitch. Elizabeth is like, Andy, you can't say it. That's her role. She's like, men can't say it, but women can. And then they were sort of like breaking it down into the different types of ways to say it. And I was sitting with this after, I don't think I agree that if we're saying men can't

say it because it's enforcing a gender stereotype, then I don't think women should perpetuate it either personally. And I know there's like, this is a big debate, what women can say versus what men can say. And because I am a woman, I can, you know, if I am this ethnicity, I can say versus what men can say and because I am a woman I can you know If I am this ethnicity, I can say this I know the thought is like you fucked up the word bitch and you used it to marginalize a group and So I'm taking it back

The problem is that only works if we took it back and then used it to empower or used it in a positive way took it back and then used it to empower or use it in a positive way towards women. But it's still not. When women are using it, it's still negative. Is it though? I use it not... Negatively? I get what you mean, right? We shouldn't use it as an insult against another woman.

We should use it as a positive, which I do. This is a move for many of my friends. It's a millennial move. When I'm buying a birthday cake, I will have them write, happy birthday, bitch. That I get, but I think if we're using it as a pejorative, like, oh, she's such a bitch, that's the same as a guy saying she's such a bitch. And it's a negative thing. But I agree with you.

If we're going to make it a positive thing and that bitches are our friends. Bitches get shit done, right? Like that kind of stuff. I think that's good. But you're right that it's a little bit like we have three quarters of the way we claimed it. Because we still use it in a bad way. Yes, in the way that queer people don't use queer as a negative. Like he's so queer. Like they don't say that. Women, so much of it is internalized. We're doing it wrong.

We're doing it wrong. Do you think we're doing it wrong? No, I think we're doing great. I really do. But I do think there are mistakes and there's always going to be mistakes. Well, it's that women, I don't know if I'm speaking out of turn, but I do think that the sisterhood is more fractured, quote unquote, sisterhood, is more fractured than solidarity between queer people or solidarity between men.

Oh, men, obviously. Yeah. Women on women hate is so strong. And that comes from the patriarchy, like, you know, but still it is. And men hate other individual men or they're threatened by men, other men, but the hatred overall is less of the gender itself. It's not gender coded when they like they don't like another guy. Exactly.

I think there is a growing group of men who are annoyed by patriarchal, I guess, men. Toxic masculine. Yes. Those toxic men are giving their gender a bad name, which I think is good. That's how we fight this. But you're right. It's still I don't think the majority of men in the way that it is for women. Do you think we're more competitive?

The whole thing is that men are competitive, like testosterone, blah, blah, blah, but I also think women are very competitive. Women are very competitive, but part of that is the structure of society. There are fewer opportunities for women, so that's gonna breed competition. I don't know about innately,

but it's hard to know what's innate. Everything's socialized. Yeah. Men and women. Yeah. Anyhow. Anything else on that? On feminism?

Uh-huh. Overall, I mean, a lot. So much. So much all the time. I mean, I don't know if we want to bring this up, but like that French lady that was like, I wish I was an African-American. What?

You didn't see that. Oh, no. She's a was like, I wish I was an African American. What? You didn't see that. Oh no. She's a French actress, I think. I guess it's a clip that resurfaced from like a year ago or two years ago, there was like a Sundance or something. And she's sitting next to Kieran Culkin and Robert De Niro. And like, it's like a big panel. And she goes, you know, there's no worse position

than being a woman in our industry. Some days I wish I was an African American, because then at least people would believe me when I say that there's inequality. And then Kiering is just like immediately like shriveling, bending over himself. And so that's been going around, but I don't know, it's like not fun. Oh boy. I just like, why do you have to put down another marginalized group to show how marginalized you are?

Well, it's this whole idea. Gloria Steinem says like, oppressions aren't ranked, they're linked. And that's sort of the one on one. It is one on one. But also, a lot of black women will say that being black is actually harder than being a woman. First of all, because it's also like their experience of sexism is modified by the racism. So it's like an even more pernicious version of it.

But do you think we can rank them? Because that's like a little bit of, but again, for some women, they say racism is actually more. Well, that's for them. We can rank personally. Yeah. How it's affected our lives personally. For me, race is much higher than being a woman.

It's much worse. In college, I got in a fight with a very good friend about this. Because they were talking about a kid in their life who was a baby at the time and Chinese and a girl. And so this friend was talking about how like, I don't remember the details. This was so long ago, but basically like how hard it is to be a woman and how hard it's gonna be for her. And I was like, well, more so that this kid is Chinese and in the South. That's tough. And then we got in this big debate about what's harder. And I was sort of annoyed because I was like,

you've only experienced one. I've experienced both. So for me, I rank race higher. But it's so individual. And it's hard to parse out, like you said. Yeah. It's just like such an inflammatory, right? Like the people have different opinions. I remember also like in college, there was like this whole, and I probably said something fucking stupid that like I would never, like, and also I think my understanding of racism being like French Canadian in like the early

2000s in like Montreal, I did not understand. I mean, there's so much racism in Canada. So I remember like having a debate with someone from the US and they're like, no, it's worse. And he was white. Like it wasn't, you know, but I remember being, yeah, anyway, it's sort of a dicey conversation to have, but I think it's a really valuable one. And that woman did not. That was a mistake. Hopefully she. And that woman did not.

That was a mistake. Hopefully she understood that that was a mistake and moved forward with a new perspective. Even if maybe her opinion is the same, but what's the point of what you just did? Is that helpful to anyone and to her? No. It's all so deep. Gender and race is so heavy. And the layers keep going and going and going and going. Cause also on, this is a lot of nobody's listening, right? Shout outs.

If you aren't listening to that show, you should. It's so great. I love it so much. But it was funny because they were also talking about can people change basically? And does society let people change? And there was a whole conversation about that. And Michael Vick came up. Michael Vick was a big football player, like Heisman, right?

He was really good quarterback. Okay. He was a huge football player and he was doing all this dog fighting and it was really bad and it was horrible for the dogs. And so Elizabeth was talking about that and she was saying that it's really dark because Andy positioned it, which of course is silly, but he was like, is that worse or better than someone like taking advantage of an old person or something like stealing money from an old person? So they started to like get in that debate and I immediately, and this is just because of my background, obviously what Michael Vick did was horrible,

but there's race stuff in there, and there's power stuff in there based on race stuff. And it's so deep. And it doesn't excuse the behavior, but it does explain a lot of the behavior. So like, if you're not thinking on that track, you're just like, oh, that's so bad. Like, who could ever? And there are reasons people behave the way they behave.

We're just blind a lot. Yeah. And again, I feel like, especially with this woman, if you're just getting into feminism or just thinking about, like, that might be something that makes sense to you. But if you have any, you know, and again, not to excuse it, but it's something I've literally heard. Once I was in this progressive group and one woman, obviously a white woman, was like, you know, we're the white N word.

I think it's even sort of a quote from like another famous. Wait, what? Oh, we're the... But I don't get it. Who is? Women. But only if they're white? Exactly. Who is women but only if they're white exactly. Oh, this is such a fucked up

misunderstanding of everything and also that So many white women it's like they and I know I was in this camp I just wanted to be a white man that makes a ton more sense, right? I but I wanted power but feminism is not it's not about power It's about freedom And so if you're only interested in power, like this woman who is an actress, probably has never read a feminist book in her life

because that's not what she does. And she's just like, I want to be like the men. And so even when she's saying, I wish I was African American, she's probably omitting, it's like she wants to be a man. And even like an African American man, which probably honestly is still exactly, you're probably more advantaged than,

or again, I mean, ranking all of this. We don't know. I know. Exactly. Or do you want to be Denzel Washington? That's right. One of the few extremely successful black men in Hollywood? Yeah.

It's just, yeah. Also like France, there's some complicated stuff around identity and they have this whole concept of assimilation, which is that if you are an immigrant and you move to France, it's not the melting pot. You have to become French. You have to become French and therefore become white. But you are. Yes.

And so all of these banning of burkas or banning of religious symbols, hijabs for women, head scarves. I didn't know that. Quebec, because it's so influenced by France, has some of those elements. And so that's why I know about it. There's these debates around religious symbols, even though you're like, who cares? And then Muslim women have to close down their daycares

or can't work at a school. It's really screwed up. So she's coming probably from that sort of cultural environment, which is not the most progressive. Progressive, wow. Anyway, we learned a lot today. Yeah. We're in the gamut.

Now let's do some questions. Now we have a cliffhanger from last week. Okay, I'm gonna start it again. Going on a girls trip without one of my friends, should I tell her ahead of time? From McKenna. Hi Monica and Liz, long time listener, first time caller. I've talked to my mom, best friend, and therapist

about this and I still feel conflicted, so I'm hoping the SYNC Squad can help. I'm 29 years old and I'm from a small town in central California but I moved to Montana for college and I've lived here ever since. I've made a really amazing group of close girlfriends here and next month we're going on a trip to my hometown in California. I'm really excited to show them where I come from, introduce them to my friends back home and generally give them a better sense of who I am and that part of my life. I just have one problem. One of my friends,

Grace, pseudonym, and I have been a bit on the outs lately. We've been friends for seven years. Our husbands are friends. We were in each other's weddings, et cetera. I have a lot of respect and love for our friendship, but over the past year, we've become distant. I've been finding our relationship very one-sided,

always talking about her, never asking how I am, making every single situation about her whenever possible. She's shown herself to be extremely selfish, and I didn't mind so much when I was younger, but as I grow into myself, I don't want to waste my time sitting alone at a restaurant waiting for her to show up 20 minutes late every single time, for example. It feels disrespectful. I don't look forward to seeing her anymore and I've stopped making an effort. She has spent time with my whole girlfriend group and considers them friends, but it's

more through association with me. My other friends in the group are totally over Grace's behavior. So for this trip, I booked it with all my other friends, honestly not even thinking of Grace. But as the trip approaches, I'm feeling very anxious about how Grace will react. She's dramatic and has chewed me out before

when she wasn't invited to things. Trip's my other friends I've planned and I have no control over the guest list, but somehow it's all my fault. I know her feelings will be hurt and I feel sorry to things. Trips my other friends up planned and I have no control over the guest list, but somehow it's all my fault. I know her feelings will be hurt and I feel sorry about that. I need help figuring out if I should tell her ahead of time so she isn't blindsided by seeing it on social media or if I don't owe her an apology upfront and let it play out after the fact.

Either way, I know she's going to be upset and I'm going to get berated. Is this the nail in the coffin? I feel really conflicted because deep down I love her, but she really hasn't been there for me or been a good friend. Help. Girl friendships are so complicated. Love you guys so much. Always looking forward to the girl talk. Girl friendships are so complicated because they're so intimate. So deep. So many layers. I just feel like this might be blunt, but like in two years, you're not going to be friends with Grace anymore. I feel like this is stage three of friendships that I've been in where I'm at this stage where like I clearly

Can't have the person in my life anymore But I have all this holdover guilt of all of the things I want to do without this person and then how am I gonna? Cover it up or how am I going to minimize it? How can I include her without including her and you're basically just delaying what's probably going to end up happening? Which is it's not a healthy relationship anymore. And like, maybe it will be eventually, maybe it'll change. But right now, you don't want to be friends with this person. Or maybe you still want who they used to be, but the person that they are now is not someone

that you want in your life. And so I just rip off the bandaid. I think a very hard thing for people to do is to hold these two things at once, which is I love this person, and this person isn't good for my life. They can both be happening at the same time. It feels very odd and at odds, but I've experienced it in my life.

I have other friends I know who've experienced it. And it's true. It's not that you don't love her or you care about her or you don't wish her any ill will, but it's not a friendship you need to foster. There's so many little clues in your letter of the way that you're responsible for her feelings, that somehow you've taken on the responsibility

of making her feel included in her life at all times. I'm sorry that that is the dynamic, but that's not a sustainable role for you. And not a sustainable situation for her. And so in a way, I think this needs to happen. This needs to kick it off. It's your life. Oh, but she's not bringing her. So I guess the question is, does she say it before?

I actually don't think so. Because then you're making it even a bigger deal. It's giving her a little bit too much importance. Right. Whereas after the fact is like, we made a plan. I'm sorry you feel excluded, but you don't have to give her anything else. You don't have to give her a reason. You made a plan with your friends. Sometimes the best thing is action, right? And through behavior modeling what's right

for you in this relationship as opposed to explaining it. Explaining all of this to her could also validate her entitlement to you. I also think there's different iterations of this. Let's say it's a group of friends who do absolutely everything together, feels equal in the friendships, and then all of a sudden it's like, we don't want this one in here anymore. I do think that is a conversation, because that can be crazy making.

This doesn't sound like this. This is like a friend of yours that you brought in sort of, and they don't really like that, like it's different. I guess I'm saying that as not like a blanket, like you never have to give people any explanations. That's not necessarily true. I just think in this case, she will ask you. So you do have to be prepared for that conversation and just, you just have to remember you're

not, your goal isn't to preserve the friendship. I also think whenever I'm making a decision about what I'm posting on social media based on how one person is going to feel, whether it's are they gonna respond positively or are they gonna respond negatively? I always go like, what's going on? Because there's so many people that are also following you and that you have in your network. There are so many reasons to post things that you post.

And the fact that you would be making all of those decisions based on one person's feelings, to me is always a sign like something is not super healthy. And on my end, right? Like we all have this thing of like when you post something and you just want your crush to see it and respond or whatever. Like even that when I fall into that I'm like, okay, there's something going on here. So yeah, I think that's always a moment to pause and sort of reflect. Okay, great. This is fun. What is razor etiquette? This is from anonymous. One of my oldest friends came to visit me for a long weekend.

We live on different sides of the country and have been best buds since middle school. I tell her everything, but neither of us are super touchy feely or anything like that. We're in our early 30s, both self-sufficient career women capable of buying our own toiletries. On the third day she was here, she was asking about the shower.

I already had a clean towel set out for her, and I said, feel free to use anything in the shower. I already had a clean towel set out for her and I said, feel free to use anything in the shower. I meant like shampoo, conditioner, body wash, face wash, trying to be a good host. She walked out of the shower and I saw little Nick on the back of her cat. And I was like, oh my god, she used my razor. I was really grossed out by it.

Like, it was a violation of my privacy to use my razor. She later was talking and made a joke about the cut she got from using my razor and that I buy sharp razors and I don't use them forever like she does, which is true. I immediately was just super grossed out. Did she only shave her legs, pits, nether regions? To be clear, I would die for her, but somehow using my razor, even if it's just for her legs is a step too far? I doubt I hid my expression well and we went about our business through the rest of her

trip, which was lovely. But as soon as I got home from dropping her off from the airport, I immediately went to the bathroom and threw away the razor cartridge she used and filled it with the new one. So Liz and Monica, my question is, am I crazy? Is sharing a razor commonplace? Is this something that is okay and under what circumstances? Am I missing something or is using the same haircutter for tiny hairs on weird places of your body something that is shareable? I just don't know. This is a great question.

We could do a whole hour on this. We totally could. And I think we might. I have a feeling we're gonna have much different opinions. First of all, not to bring up Kat again, but Kat taught me this great trick when we were in our early 20s

and we were like hooking up Not together. Yeah, but um you go out and then you end up hooking up and you like hadn't planned for it And I remember like she was like, oh, I just go into the guy's bathroom and I use this razor. Oh My that's so on brand for it based on the three stories Yeah, I can't remember if I did it, but I feel like I did a version of it. Again, this is like when you get old. It was like 15 years ago now. But I remember being like, that's genius. That's amazing. Wait, maybe I need to tell you. Okay, this is like deviating now.

Okay. I was at a party once and... You're so mean. This is bad. Why? I was at a party once in like similar situation. I thought about the cat thing because I was like going to go on to another situation after the party.

I didn't like prepare. Like I don't smell good. And so I was at someone's house. It was not a friend, but it was my friend's girlfriend. And I did use her deodorant. It's really bad. If I was sober I would never do that but I was like a few drinks in and I was like is it really that bad? You just used it on your armpits?

I did but that's my most bad moment. That's not sending you to hell. You don't think? No. I mean it's not great. Deodorant? I mean... Yikes. Do you believe deodorant is worth self-ikes. Do you believe deodorant is worse than a razor? I think deodorant is worse than a razor.

I would rather someone use my razor. Blood? No. No. Absolutely not. Pits? I know. Well, first of all, it's all disgusting to me.

I don't even believe in, like, if it's a bar of soap, the old friends debate, like, is it self-cleaning? Not really. If it's a body washer, sure, but I am not for sharing any of this stuff ever. I wouldn't mind. I know you wouldn't. That's why it's good we're talking about this.

Well, I would not assume that you would be fine with me. If I were to go in your shower, I think it's a case by case. It's not really about what you're comfortable with. It's about predicting what your friend is comfortable with. You're right. And I would be comfortable and I wouldn't mind, but I would be like Monica Wood.

Even if I were about to hook up, if I was in the situation, I still wouldn't feel right doing it. Because I know it would bother you. Now, actually, depending... Oh, no. What part? Depending on the person. Oh!

I mean, that's not just like... Also, I don't think that's that crazy to say because it depends on how close I am with the person. If Callie wants to use my deodorant, I'm not going to think twice about that. And if she wants to use my razor, I wouldn't. But then I did, like, there are some people that I just flashed in my head that I wouldn't want that. Okay, take us through the...

No! Word for word. No, take us through the, what is the thinking behind it? Like you think of their face and what happens. I just am like, uh... You don't trust them? It's like, do I want their blood in my blood? That's how you have to think about it with the razor.

Because you have to assume the... It's not a syringe. Okay, she had a cut, which meant blood was for real. Blood was drawn and that- Drawn? It was. Blood was drawn and that means a little bit got into the razor and then that razor is now gonna be used on your body.

But you're wiping it. But blood, I mean, that's, that blood is a high. Oh, okay. For me, it's like high on the Maslow's hierarchy of needs. I have to be so intimate to be around someone's blood. Throw up or blood? What's higher? Where is it on the Maslow's?

I'd rather not be around throw up at all, unless it's a hot guy, like, better Matt. Okay, if Matt Damon throws up on you, would it be positive or neutral? Liz, you don't know this. Oh, I can't keep talking about this. I feel like we talk about it too much. But yeah, I have a... Oh, no, I know this.

Yeah. Oh, taking care of him. Okay. But that would... Him throwing up on you would fall in that category? Well, yeah, cause sometimes the fantasy would get sexual and then there were fluids involved. Wow. I mean, it wasn't like, yeah, I don't wanna get into it. And if there was blood, that's also a positive?

The blood isn't positive in the way that the sickness is. Getting injured isn't the same as the sick. If I'm in love with them or like I have a fantasy life The sickness is getting injured isn't the same as the sick. If I'm in love with them or like I have a fantasy life about them, the blood is okay. It's just not a turn on. Oh my God. Blood is much more serious. If he's got like an open wound, that's not going to be sexy.

That's probably why. I feel like that is sexy though. I'm not a blood person. Are you a vampire? I'm not, but if I were to choose between picking up their throw up or like they have a gash and a wound, like that's hotter. Yeah, it's fine if they're hot, I guess. Okay.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding. But back to this question. First of all, I don't think she's crazy. I think this is a split vote. Half the people in the world are like totally fine with sharing all of these intimate products and half are not. And so you're not crazy at all.

And I think you're right. I wish the friend I would have asked, is it okay if I shave my legs? Or afterwards I would have been like, I would have either tried to hide it. Oh, Liz. I know, I'm like, see that's not trustworthy. It's not hurting any.

Oh, I guess it is in your case, but I feel like what's the harm? Oh god, this is so existential. What's the harm? What's the harm can be said about a lot of things that you would find harmful, but it's like if that person doesn't know Oh, okay If I know that they don't want me to use their razor and I use it anyways, that's harm But if I don't you wouldn't cover it up unless you knew that. In the ideal scenario, I ask first, but what if I'm already in the shower, I'm lathered,

I'm in the, like, I can't walk out and ask and then it's weird. I'm just like, I really need to shave my legs, like I'm just gonna do it. Ugh. Ugh. I would say, if I was in the shower and I really had to shave my legs and I didn't, I would then come

out and be like, hey, I had to shave my legs. Do you have another cartridge? Because I'm sure that grosses you out. Bug of it. Bug of it. What kind? Lair. Oh, it's like a fruit fly.

Oh, I hate fruit flies. I feel like they follow you. Fruit flies? It's the same bug Shop it is with those gross wings. Oh My god, we went to a coffee shop and there was a horrible bug of that. We have a video. That's perfect Oh my god, oh the bug came to make it make it sing that okay Listen, I would probably say do you have another cartridge because that probably grosses you out and I'll buy you a new one tomorrow.

Yes. And then if they say, oh my God, no. That kind of gives them also the opportunity for them to be like, it's not a big deal. Also, a lot of this, I guess, is just theoretical and about conscientiousness. Because if someone came out and was like, my legs were so nasty and I am so sorry I used your razor. Do you have an extra if that grosses you out? And I'll buy you a new one." I'd be like, no, it's fine.

Oh. What? Yeah. It's more about the, like, idea that it's just fine to use this intimate thing. I agree. You can't just do it. Or you can if you know you guys are in that place. Would you share a toothbrush with a boyfriend?

I have. Even, like, hookups. What? Because you're making out. Because you don't have with a boyfriend? I have. Even like hookups. What? Because you don't have your toothbrush. I don't have my toothbrush. Oh, you're saying before you make out you would... No, we've already made out. And so what's the difference? I... There's a big difference.

Is there? Cleaning their teeth. Like morning breath toothbrush is now in your mouth. But we've just like had like our tonsils into each other. I know, but that's not morning breath make out. You're getting food out between his molars with your tongue. My god, you guys are so like looking at me like I've done. So again, this is split vote.

I'm so toxic that I read it as like we're so close. Oh Liz. And I was toxic that I read it as like, we're so close. Oh Liz. And I was like, I loved it. After a hookup, you're the one that brushed your teeth with their toothbrush and you said, oh my god, we're so close. In my head, not out loud. But that doesn't make sense. If he used the toothbrush, then I could see being like, oh my god, we're so close.

He offered. And so he's like, yes, he's like, my and I was like I got a box on my finger This is a ding ding ding this morning I made my bed for like the first time in six years I hate making my bed. I never make it and then I thought this is a thing. It's a split vote. I make my bed Every like to it's like weird. I would expect it to be reversed. Me too. This is odd.

Wow. This morning actually was like gonna do it and then I was like, no, I'm gonna clean my sheets. So it's the only reason it's not made, but it's bothering me. But my sheets are being cleaned. Like I literally couldn't make it. But I have to. This is in the category of there are two types of people in this world.

Right. People who make their bed, people who don't. People who use their hookups toothbrush, people who don't. People who borrow the razor, people who don't. This is a way to sort out the world. Like if I run for office, my platform is going to be about this. I'm going to repolarize the country into things like this. I support it.

We need a new thing to be divided on. I agree. You know, and I would love to be divided on this. Bedmaking, toothbrushes, razors, we can all relate. What happens if you don't make your bed like in your head? Is it superstitious or is it like you want the day started nice? What is it about? I think it's like things are out of control.

I never want to do it. Every time I'm like, God, I'm in my bed. Even if I'm late. If I were to walk into my room and my bed is not made, I would feel like my life is spinning out of control. Wow. Okay, let's say you had 30 seconds only, and like the house was going to burn on fire in 30 seconds. So you really only have 30 seconds.

You can't push it. Would you make your bed or would you brush your teeth? If my house is on fire? That part makes it confusing. What's the point of the bed being made if it's going to burn down? Forget that part. You have 30 seconds.

You have to go to a meeting and it's really important. It's with Anna Wintour. If you're late, like dead, she's going to invite you to the Met Ball if you're on time. Stakes are high for you to be exactly on time. You cannot be late. You have 30 seconds. Are you gonna brush your teeth or are you gonna make your bed?

For sure brush my teeth. I'll be annoyed and thinking about the bed. As soon as I get back, I'm gonna make it. Well, the house will have burned up. Right, which, who cares? Wait, what would you do? I never make my bed. Did you make it as a kid?

Were you forced to do it? No. Oh, I was so forced. But I wouldn't do it. My mom would yell at me I never make my bed. Did you make it as a kid? Were you forced to do it? No, I was so forced but I wouldn't do it My mom would yell at me like consistently for not doing it and then weirdly she's not there anymore now I it's like the policeman is my head. Well, you know that stupid rhyme messy bed messy head I never heard of it, but that's what it feels like That's funny. Wow. What do you do? I wake up before Natalie every day So I my sides side's made. You make half the bed?

Yeah. Aww. You mean, okay, you get up, she's still in bed, and you're like smoothing out the side of the sheet and like folding it and she's still half in there. Oh my god. I would feel so weird, I think, if I woke up. I mean, I'm not like ironing it. This was pristine. This was pristine and I'm like still in like kicking around.

Wow. I mean, it's kind of thoughtful. It's polite. Also, women need an hour more. Once you said that, I've been really taking it to heart. Have you been doing 12, 13? I'm trying to go 13. I love it.

But I felt bad when I was in a relationship. He would always be up earlier. 45 minutes was always like almost an hour. And then I would always be making the bed, which is fine because I was always the last one out. Now, does she like a maid bed? Yeah. So she makes her side.

Yeah. Okay. I guess like if I'm in a relationship and my boyfriend loves a maid bed, we're going to be in a half and half sitch. His side is going to be made and mine's going to be all crumpled. We're going to leave it like that. I think that you, if you end up dating someone who loves clean,

like he'll just make the bed all the time. That's his job. Right. Well, this is one of those things because, oh, this gets into a much bigger question about roles. Because I would feel like if you care about that, then you can make it, because I don't give a fuck. We can leave it messy.

And he'll be like, no, but it's important to me, so it should be important to you. Just like the dishes. Dishes is not a good example, because I'm also bad at doing the dishes. You are. You leave them. Well, I don't have a dishwasher.

And so it does make it hard. If I like have a ton of dishes, I have to wash them all by hand. It takes forever. Can you go to sleep with dishes in the sink? Wait, see, this is interesting. It's weird though, because I would expect everything to be switched. It doesn't make sense. Maybe because I'm so messy and all like in messy head.

Maybe because I have a messy head, I have to do these things. I don't know. This is like Monica's closet on Friends. Like I do have a lot of weird stuff like that. Like my apartment. I can let it become chaotic. Yeah? And you don't mind?

No, I mean, I don't love it, but I'm fine with it until it hits a certain level. And then I think I got to devote some time to this. It sounds healthy. You sound normal. I don't think it is normal. Part of mine is if I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna like really do it.

And if I don't have the time for that, like the other day, I like re-did the whole closet, Monica's closet. Moc's closet. It was a disaster. And I spent like four hours getting rid of a ton of stuff, reorganizing the baskets, doing a whole thing. And I'm either doing that or I'm letting it get crazy. I relate.

Not really. You'd clean your dishes at night. I'm either like the kitchen is pristine. everything's amazing, there's a candle lit, or it's like a fucking mess. Right. But I think that's a lot of stuff. I'm not the cleanest. You know what it is? Things go astray. There's stuff that's not where it's supposed to be, my closet is not the most organized, that's why the bed has to be,

or else it starts becoming a mess. I see. It's like it's all falling apart? Yes. I've stuff that's like on the side of my bed that I just don't know where to put that's just been there for two weeks. Stuff like that, where I'm like, okay, I'll hide it. The bed is a way to compensate actually for the messiness.

I love knowing the different buckets out there. There's so many. There's so many. All to say to anonymous, you're not crazy, one. I think it's okay for you to be grossed out. You're on that side of the political spectrum and it's fine. And also your friend was not all that conscientious. It's not like this is your roommate and she keeps using your razor.

If she comes back and like, what if that happened? You'd have to say something. Yeah. All you say is like, I know this is just a me thing and it's Stupid but I feel so icky when anyone uses my razor Do you think that's happened? That's kind of crazy to me. I bet someone roommate people right That's me I didn't mean that that just came. I met roommates and then I was switching to people. I love roommate people.

I was a roommate person for my whole life. I might become one again. I don't know. Roommate people, it runs the gambit. Like David's working friend whose roommate killed that person. Like you sometimes don't know what you're getting. Oh, if you have a stranger roommate and they're using your razor. Oh my god. I think that's like a weird power thing.

It is. Yeah. I had a roommate in my 20s that would have extremely loud sex. And I felt was on purpose. Oh. And he would also move things. Like, I would come back. I know. Well, I come back. I know well Which honestly was could be hurting No, no, it was pledged. He was having fun. Okay based on what I was hearing Yeah, but men also don't they're like not conscientious

It's true. So but he ended up hating me cuz we shared a wall and he would do that There were four of us at the time, but I'd come back and like, he had moved all the furniture around. I just thought this would be good. And I was like, oh my God, why are you changing things? Like without asking people. And then the final nail in the coffin was I was reading Bossy Pants at the time, because it had just come out.

And he did a roommate meeting where he was like, I feel like Liz is reading Bossy Pants because she's bossy. What? He like used Bossy pants against me. Oh, this person is dumb. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're bossy even though he's the one

moving the furniture around? Yes, exactly. There was definitely like a beef, and I didn't know why, but he ended up leaving. Where does the phrase a beef come from? That's a good question. Can we look that up?

What does it mean? I mean, we know it means an issue or fight. I mean, like all the good words, it's probably black Twitter. Black Twitter? All great expressions come from black people. But why is it called black Twitter? Black Twitter, in the last, I would say, like 15 years, where a lot of, like on fleek,

all of these terms started on black Twitter. On Twitter? Literally on black Twitter, yeah. But wait, you keep saying black Twitter as if that's a separate thing than Twitter. It is, it's like a part of Twitter. On Twitter? Literally, on Black Twitter. Yeah. But wait, you keep saying Black Twitter as if that's a separate thing than Twitter. It is. It's like a part of Twitter. There's like even a show about it now. Black Twitter is like a part of Twitter that maybe if you're really cool, you can get access

to it if you're white, but like... And it's secret access? It's not secret, but it's more like if you know, you know. Well, obviously I didn't know yeah, I D K IDK Would you find there's an old London rhyming slang they used to cry hot beef Rhymes with stop thief to raise an alarm in a touch-and-go situation Beef came to be equated with to shout and evolve from there. Oh

Interesting that was unexpected. Okay. Well, that's it. I mean, it's not. It's not. There's a lot. Ooh. Vows for a visa. That's coming out. A visa? Vows for a visa, question mark. What's a visa? Get married for a visa.

A visa. A visa. Oh, got it. Oh, did you think it was A-V-A? You thought it was one word? A visa. Yeah, I'm like, who's a visa? Oh, like a-b-za. Okay. Anyway, we have fun stuff coming up. This was fun. If anyone wants to put in the comments other buckets, like other polarizations, like you're either this person or that person, feel free to contribute. And we'll see you next week.

Bye. Bye.