Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: September 13th

Episode Date: September 13, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Liz and Monica explore the change in the air regarding women's culture and Monica gives an update on her egg freezing journey, all while her dad's sim works overtime. They discuss listener questions on should one speak up when they don't like their close friend's significant other, when given the chance should one choose the gender of their child, and how to trust oneself when trying to move on while grieving a spouse. They also give a new dad advice on his daughter's first period. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

hi good morning good morning it's early today it is seeing you is like three cups of coffee wow my heart you went to beyonce i did how was be Beyonce? It was a life-changing experience. It was, I never seen her. These women in concerts. These women in concerts. There is something different happening right now. Obviously, we've brought up Girl Dinner. We've brought up Taylor Swift, Beyonce.

Barbie. Barbie. And people are saying like, oh, it's the summer of women. And obviously women are like powering the entire economy right now, oh, it's the summer of women. And obviously women are like powering the entire economy right now. I think it's literally affecting our GDP. Like all of this is. Yes. So we were heading for a recession and maybe women are helping us not being one. But there's also just something different in the air where it's not that it's, I feel like girl power and all that stuff. And even in the 2010s with like

girl bossing and all that stuff, right? It was still a focus on women and girls, which girl boss now is like turned into an insult, which is a whole other thing. Right, that's a pin. Okay, we can definitely talk about that. But that was still a reaction to men. It was still like, we're going to define ourselves like we can be just like you and we can be strong and sexy and sort of like, yeah, this idea of female empowerment. And this feels like not about men. And it's not even in a bad way. It's not like fuck men.

It's just like we are defining our own culture and our own girlhood and reclaiming it and redefining it. Blue Ivy was on stage with Beyonce. Yeah, she's been touring with her. Even that, I was like, that's such a different kind of energy. So I feel very excited about this moment. I feel like it's a seminal moment. No, I do. I also think that I actually don't think it's about those women doing anything different because Beyonce has been Beyonce-ing for a long time. So has Taylor Swift. I mean, they've done extremely well, but it does feel like right

now we're at this weird precipice where everyone is just paying super attention and is investing their time and energy and dollars into these women, which is so cool. Your point is so good because I was thinking about that too. I was like, is there something different? And I was like, no, it's just that we're not criticizing them. Even Taylor Swift, Taylor Swift's music is the same. But 10 years ago or five, even five years ago, it was like, oh, she's just talking about all these boys she's dating. Beyonce was called a terrorist by bell hooks, like a very, very famous feminist author and probably the most sort of well-known feminist scholar because she was catering to the male gaze. And Beyonce has not done anything different.

It's just that our perception now is that, oh, right, we assume that you were doing it for men or, again, in reaction to men, but actually you're just doing it as a person. So it's women being people and having a culture that's defined from within and us not being like, well, is it? And sort of questioning that. And what I have to give some, I guess, credit to or at least be aware of is it's men, too. Men are investing now in a different way than they were into women and women's authenticity, because like at these concerts, it is not just women. There are a lot of men there and they're not just gay men. I know a lot

of people for Taylor Swift were saying that, like, are there any boys there? And I was like, yes. Yes. Did you see that viral video of the security guard dancing and then all these men hyping him up? Yeah. I think a lot of men are now also allowed to enjoy female culture and girl culture where they're coming out as swifties and they're like yeah i kind of was all along but maybe i wasn't yeah giving myself permission to and there was that kobe clip that resurfaced lately around him being a fan and being like yeah duh she's iconic like she's the goat to your point it's not about taking away from men it's actually also giving permission to men to enjoy their floating. Yes. Anything that's quote unquote feminine, whatever that means. Right. We've been in this really intense cultural

moment coming out of Me Too and Time's Up and all of those things that are really highlighting men's flaws, I think, in a way that really has to happen and needed to happen and needs to continue to happen. But big highlight on the patriarchy and that word is now ubiquitous in a way that definitely wasn't before that. And I think potentially we're coming out on the other side of it where now men don't feel so defensive about those things. They can understand it, too, where it's like there's going to be a defense period for any of these types of cultural pushbacks with racism, too, where it's like there's going to be a defense period for any of these types of cultural pushbacks with racism too and Black Lives Matter and all those things. First, there's a huge

tensing up out of defense. And then there's a allowing to like feel it in a new way. It's like when you have a fight with your significant other. And so you have to talk about the hard stuff and like have to talk about the things that are annoying you and then because that has been done now you can enjoy each other more fully move forward yeah and more info the jokes feel so much better because you went through something and the joy feels even deeper because you all went through something and and i think seeing it that way, that Me Too, yes, was a lot of women doing something. It was also men did something too in reaction to it. And now hopefully we all get to kind of enjoy ourselves for a minute. I think it'll be slow, but I feel like it's

happening, which is exciting. I think it's happening too. What were the men like at the Taylor Swift? Because you went to Taylor. We now have really interesting POVs for this combo. I know. Because I didn't see Taylor. Were there a lot of guys? What was the vibe? There were. It's hard because I wasn't paying that much attention because I was all swept up. I was all swifted up. I was in my own zone. But just within my own friend group, the four of us who went, me, Jess, a gay man, my friend Allison, and her husband, Anthony. And Anthony is the one who got the tickets. Like, he is the one that did this. The emotional labor. He did a lot of emotional labor, honestly, to get them. And yeah, there were people in front. I mean,

there were a lot of men. And I think that's awesome. And then did you see the clip? Or did I send it to you? Dak sent it to me, actually. This guy, what's his name? Andrew Shulman? Shultz. Oh, Andrew Shultz? Andrew Shultz. Maybe it's Andrew Shultz. Okay, so I don't know him.

And Dak said, he's extremely provocative and has a lot of opinions. And he said, you're not going to like a lot of his opinions. I was like, okay. I mean, I've never seen him. I didn't even do a deep dive after he sent me this, but he went to the Taylor Swift concert and there's a video and it is so funny. He's like, it's the best concert I've ever been to. He gets in this sort of debate about her being the best artist to ever live. It's very funny. He is very, I guess I wouldn't say like machismo, but to hear someone like that speaking about Taylor Swift that way was like, wow.

Because everyone, we talked about this a little bit. It was like before this concert or maybe before folklore, I would say. If you were a Swifty or you like Taylor Swift, you were considered basic. First of all, that word, I am nixing that word from the vocabulary. I think it's so stupid. At its origin, it was basic bitch. It was sexist, right? It was a way to put down women's interests and tastes that if a woman likes Taylor Swift and likes pumpkin spice lattes and likes candles, she's basic. Yeah. Men like basic things. I mean, if we were to use that term, right? And it's a way to just paint with such a wide brush. All of these women have the candles she's basic yeah men like basic things you know I mean if we were to use that term right

and it's a way to just paint with such a wide brush all of these women have the same interests and it's all like silly and non-essential yeah I'm so against that I heard I was listening to somebody else talk about liking Aperol spritzes and then they were saying like she's like am I basic and I was like no it's okay to like what you like. And I actually am most repulsed by people who are acting in defiance of the norm just because they feel like doing exactly what everyone else is doing is, quote, basic or the same or ordinary. It's OK to like what people like. And it doesn't make you unoriginal. I just don't like that. And I maybe because I grew up feeling so other that I never felt like I would

be basic because I'm just inherently not because there's something different about me. So that was never a threat to me. So it's kind of hard for me to even click in. I was the opposite. I'm like, what are the, quote, basic things? I need to do all those things so I can be like everyone else. But also those things are good for a reason. There of fitting into the male gaze. And I'm like, no, that's actually not like the pink explosion. And like even some of the outfits in the Barbie movie, like that's not actually what men prefer, but that's what we like to do and dress up as for us. And before we go, I need to tell you the truth about Andrew Schultz. I have an Andrew Schultz story and it's kind of relevant to our conversation so this was like a few years back you dated him we we didn't date we did actually never went on the date that was planned because and it's okay because i actually ran into him a couple weeks i was actually was i was it was scott galloway

friend of the armchair pod and then andrew walks by and I was like, hey, that was our first time actually meeting in person. But yes, Andrew and I went back and forth over text and we were like planning to go on a date. And I wasn't that familiar. I mean, I knew his work. I think I saw him on. Was he on Girl Code? I don't know. Anyway, he was doing kind of more.

This was a few years ago. So it was like more comedy, less, I think, now where he takes up a lot of positions on different kinds of issues. So whatever. It's like, oh, he's cute. Did you find him on an app? Yes, on an app. And so then we're making plans and we're like texting back and forth. And it's great. And then at one point, he sent me a text, which every year, actually, and it's almost the anniversary of it because I think it was September. No, because I saved the text. We were going back and forth and he said, wait, I want to read it verbatim. September 11th text? It might have been a September 11th. Oh, that's thoughtful.

Yeah, so sweet. A different thing to think about on that day. Okay, it was September 13th. I remember I was at my desk at Vox. I had a show about the 2016 election, about identity and racism and feminism and all these things. And he said, I just don't think white men get enough credit for inventing feminism. And it was. Was he joking? No, no. This was in a back and forth. And I was like, oh, cool. Like we're talking about politics. And then he sent that. And I was like, you're

joking. He's like, no. And then he went into an entire. And I think at the time he was claiming, I won't name the country, but that colonialism brought feminism to communities. I know it's just incorrect in so many, so many, so many ways. And so I started responding. I mean, again, 2016 was before all hope was shattered. And you thought you could convince people and change their minds and overcome political differences. And again, I'm sarcastic. I think it is possible,

but the date didn't happen. I screenshotted it and I think I've posted it a few times. And then people figured out that it's him because it says Andrew. It was a riddle? It wasn't, but then people were like,

is this you? And then I think he, anyway, so again, he knows that I post it and I think he's happily married now and wait what's today the 4th

today's the 4th no no what is today when this is released wait it might literally be next week it'll be next week

what's next Wednesday next Wednesday is September 13th no no no that is so Sim Sim Next Wednesday is September 13th. No! No. No. That is so Sim. What's your dad doing?

What does he want? He's so playful. He's so fun. Wait, that is weird. That's weird. So today. Oh, my God. Hi, Andrew.

Hi. Hi, Andrew. Wow. Yeah. You weren't even. Wow. Yeah. We should go buy a lottery ticket. All right. Well, hi, Andrew. Wow. Yeah. You weren't even. Wow. Yeah. We should go buy a lottery ticket.

All right. Well, hi, Andrew. White men did not invent feminism. I'm going to say. Yeah, I think we don't need to put any kind of source for that. No. And the notes. I feel good about it. He should come on the show and we should chat about it. Yeah. Is this a public dare? I'm scared. Are you a A little. Scared of what? Scared is not the word. You don't want to. I don't know. I loved that video so much, that Taylor Swift video, that I was like, I'm actually not going

to do a deep dive on this person because I'm going to get perturbed and exhausted. Okay. I actually now, I'm seeking out difference of opinion more than I used to. We all had a reaction to the events of the last few years and I don't get as upset as I used to. And I think it gives all of us permission. I mean, this is also what the show's about, right? Yeah. We're really kind of being honest about things. We're not saying what the party line, we're not saying what the party line, we're not towing

the feminist line or any line for that matter and just allowing ourselves to be fully people just like Beyonce and Taylor Swift. And all the basic bitches.

Yes. I agree with you. I think perhaps I have more people with differences of opinion in my life. I enter this more, perhaps.

But I do enjoy it. I think I'm just tired from the long weekend. Really. I'll bounce back and then perhaps. But I do enjoy it. I think I'm just tired from the long weekend. Really. I'll bounce back and then. We'll take a nap. Yeah, sleep on it and then see how you feel. But I think it'd be funny.

Or again, we don't even have to talk about that. We could just have him answer some advice questions and see what different advice he's giving. Let's put a pin in that. Pin in that. Okay. We only got to one question last week. It was how to make a roast chicken. So we have to get into some listener questions because we have so many good ones.

They are really piling up. I feel so grateful that people are trusting us with their hard questions. Hard life problems. Okay. You know what's so annoying? Every time I hear TLDR, that for some reason cannot stick in my brain. What do you mean? Like what it means. I have to look it up every time. I can't remember. What it means in a general sense or like what it stands for? Too long to read. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Do you know what it stands for? Of course.

Too long to read. Right. I cannot remember that. There's a black hole in my brain for TLDR and it goes in there and I can't remember it. I mean, do you remember? Is it unnecessary? IRL. I know. In real life. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Do you have any others? You could quiz me. ASIP? Oh, God. Yeah. As soon as possible. That's old school. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you. Do you have any others? You could quiz me. ASAP. Oh, God. Yeah. As soon as possible. That's old. That's old. BRB is old. I feel like there's new ones. Sometimes when I'm texting someone under the age of 25, I'm like, oh, God, I don't know stuff. TN is tonight. RN is right now, which I know. Well, if you think of any more acronyms, don't look at me. Okay. Okay. We'll start with this one then. TLDR, too long, didn't read. Good for you.

Our friend has a boyfriend we don't like and it's affecting the friendship. I belong to a wonderfully close circle of friends. One of them is dating a guy that none of us like. Their relationship doesn't seem like a good, happy fit for either of them, and she acts really different when this guy is around. We've been honest with her about how we feel about it, but it's been over a year and they're still together, getting more serious. It's uncomfortable for us to be around them, and she's feeling hurt that the group is

spending less time with her. We want to support her choices, but I just don't think we'll ever be as close with the version of her in this relationship. Where do we go from here? We seek the deep and powerful wisdom of the Synced squad. Synced squad? Oh, I love that. That is so sweet. She did it. We needed one. Okay, great. That's for merch. Rob, write it down. Merch. Okay. We've all been here. This position really sucks, especially if it's a very close friend who you're open with and pretty much say everything to and feel like you can be honest. This is one of those weird gray areas. Like, is it fair to voice your opinion? It depends on the circumstance, but I kind of feel like no. position, probably too much, right? Where at a certain point, I was like, am I too judgmental?

And again, I think it's a very common, particularly with women, please let us know if men do this too. But I think women particularly were like, you're a goddess that was birthed out of a platinum birth canal. And like, you are almost like our female friends. They're too good for any guy. Sometimes I've been like, I need to tone that down where I can have love for my friend and think she deserves someone who goes to the moon and back, but also be realistic about like what a relationship is too. And I guess two things. One of them is not being judgmental, period. I think with your friends is something that I, again, I've put into practice as I've noticed that there's a way to voice their concerns, which it looks like they have, you know, spoken. She said we did bring it up, but it didn't really.

We've been honest with her about how we feel about it. Yeah. That's all you can do, I guess. We are supported by Quince. OK, I, as you know, have so many clothes. I was just doing a closet clean out. You were? Yes.

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That's Q-U-I-N-C-E dot com slash sync and get free shipping and 365 day return. Quince.com slash sync and get free shipping and 365 day return quince.com slash sync. The second thing is when a friend comes to you with an issue or even again is dating a person, just going back to like, how do you feel? And just asking that question because it is about her, right? It is. And if she feels good in this, then how you feel about it actually is not more important. Yeah, it's irrelevant.

Exactly. Unless there's like abuse or something big happening. Exactly. Okay. So then I want to get a little deeper into this. What would you do if you knew your friend's boyfriend was cheating on her? Would you tell her? Of course.

You would. You wouldn't? I don't know. Oh, my God. I really don't know. Why? It's so dependent on the relationship. If it's a marriage, I think it's very complicated.

And if there are, like, children, I think it's very complicated. And if there are like children, I think it's very complicated. I guess, yes. If it was a boyfriend pre-marriage, I probably would. What do you mean probably? What would be holding you back? I would learn about it. There would be a fraction of a second between me getting my phone and telling my friend. Like there would be no question in my mind. And withholding that information, actually, if I knew that you knew that my boyfriend was cheating on me and you didn't tell me, I think I would be upset. Wouldn't you? Yes. But I think a lot of the people who are getting cheated on, again, I'm thinking more of a marriage situation, I think. They know. You think. Not always, but often they know. And some people in that situation don't want to know because if they wonder, but they talk themselves out of it because they want to

keep that relationship. When someone confronts them and says, hey, I actually know this thing is happening to you, it adds a different level of pressure for them to make a decision. And then there's just another body in the mix. And yeah, it's humiliating. It's humiliating. Yeah. And they feel like, well, now I have to act or I'm not strong or I'm not. I just think there's a lot that goes into it in a marital situation that's much more gray than people think. I think it's worth sitting with before you just jump into it. I do think you're right in a in a boyfriend situation. I would. But it's tricky if I'm close with the person. Yeah, you have to be close. I mean, I think it's I feel like in a lot of cheating situations, people learn about it from either the woman

or like it's not always a person that's close to them. And usually they are, you know, thankful, but you're implicating yourself into the situation. I've never been in this situation particularly, but I have been in a situation where my really really really really close friend was dating this guy he was fine and then our friends came into town and my friend's boyfriend did the weird like touching me on my lower back thing and I was like wait what and I ended up telling my really close friend and it backfired on me but then couple weeks later he was still on dating apps. She like took his phone to pay for his parking and then saw all these chats on a dating app.

So it backfired on me. And I remember being like, wow, I need to think about how I should have delivered that or if I should have delivered it in a different way or should I have not done that? But I don't know. I would want to know.

I do think we underestimate what it does to you to feel like people know things that you didn't know. I do think we underestimate what it does to you to feel like people know things that you didn't know. It can make people extremely irrational and go off exactly like you just said, the other side and then blame you. Defensive, yes. And sometimes blame you and then get even closer with the person.

Like, we're a team. 100%. And double down on that. I think it can have weird manifestations that don't seem that rational. Which is what's happening in this letter. They're spending less and less time with her, which I actually think that's something that you can work on where, again, unless the friendship just doesn't work anymore, don't stop spending time with her.

Right. Because then she really won't listen to you or care about what you think. And this relationship will become this little island and it will become harder and harder for her to- Or can you spend solo time? or care about what you think. And this relationship will become this little island and it will become harder and harder for them. Or can you spend solo time? Like, because I do understand feeling like I don't want to spend all my free time with this couple that I don't like one of the people in it.

Just trying to maybe like recapture solo moments. Yes. It is hard to see people you love and know so well be weird or different in a relationship. Everyone changes to a certain extent when they're in a relationship because all interactions are relational. So the way I am with you is not the way I am with Rob is not the way I am with Dax. And it's not because I'm changing. It's because of the space between us. It's different for every single person and couple of any kind. So, yeah, they might seem different to you, but really, that's just the way they are as a couple. relationship they could kind of be a dick for a year and like happened to a very another very close friend of mine where she got into relationship and i did feel like oh suddenly i'm not seeing you

as much you know you're making choices that i don't totally agree with and you're prioritizing the other person's needs in a way that i think is healthy but i was like being in a relationship is hard and it's new and i i know this relationship is important to you so you get a year and then after that year though if you're still in that dynamic, then you can bring it up. Huh. That's an interesting Liz Lizum. I mean, I think it goes back to some of the other things we've talked about where you have to have some acceptance around change. There's going to be a change when someone enters a relationship.

But I still expect to be prioritized somewhat in that person's life because I'm also not here just for you while you're single. Yes. And I'm not saying like they blow you off, but if there's a shift and it's- Not your fave. Not your fave to not be like, you know, and to be patient with it. And again, you can complain about it to your other friends

and be like, did she do this to you too? And you're like, oh man, this is annoying. Not in a gossipy kind of way, but yeah, you get a year. And then I think it- Course corrects Yeah, of course it corrects. Okay. This just reminded me, I wanted to talk about this up front. I can't believe I forgot. I definitely wanted to talk about it here because it's very relevant to anyone who listened to Race to 35. So I got my egg count looked at. What? Yes. On Thursday, we might need to give like a TLDR. on Thursday. We might need to give like a TLDR. Too long, didn't read. On Race to 35 and what happened. So we did egg freezing at the same time. We did 10 episodes on it. You can check it out

anywhere you get your podcast. And it didn't end that great for me. Liz had a good outcome. You retrieved 13 eggs. September 13th. Oh my God. Oh my God. So the way it works is you go, you get your follicles looked at and your follicles, you hope once you start taking the hormones, turn into mature eggs that are able to be retrieved. And so you look at your follicles, you might have like in Liz's case, I think you had 20. Yeah, I think I had 22. 22 follicles. They were able to retrieve 19 of yours. Yeah, I'm glad you remember. Yeah. And then 13 were mature. So it kind of diminishes as you go down. And for me, I had been on birth control for so long and I refused to get off of it. That was short-sighted in retrospect. So I had eight follicles. They removed six eggs. Only two were mature. So,

you know, not ideal. Since then, which was a year ago at this point, I have been off the birth control since then in hopes of doing another retrieval and seeing what that did, right? Like if it had an impact getting off the birth control. So on Thursday, I went in, had my follicles looked at. I had 14, which is a lot, obviously a lot better than eight. Double. Almost. Almost. So that was great. Optimistic. We're going to go through a little bit of a different protocol, which is a little more intense and more hormones. Yeah. We're adding Lupron into the mix. I'm also going to be on an estrogen pill once I start ovulating up until the retrieval, which.

That's what I did to match up with your period. Oh, I think that's what I was on. The estrogen. I think I was on an estrogen pill. Interesting. Am I doing that? Wait, Rob, can you Google that? Yeah.

Just Google what I did. What pill do you take to delay your period? It must be estrogen, right? It might be. I don't know. Northosterone? I don't think it is because this isn't for delaying. Like this is just happening in the in-between period until I start my period, which she

said should still start on time. Okay. So it's different. But I think it's just prepping my, I don't know what it is. Again, don't know things, which was sort of the takeaway of our whole show. But that there are a lot of things that a lot of people don't know. Yes. It is an estrogen progestin birth control pill that will possibly delay, prevent.

Yeah. Because I vaguely remember that. Birth control. So it's estrogen and progesterone, right? That's what it sounds like. Okay. Okay. So so anyway but it must be different from yours is just estrogen i think so it's definitely not supposed to delay it so do you have a date for your yeah well so if i move forward i'll start the estrogen pill when i start ovulating which will be the 18th. So soon, next week, as of when we release this, I'll be on that for like a week before I start the shots. So great, right? Feeling like

a little hopeful. Then the next day, my doctor calls because I also did blood work as they do to test my AMH levels, which is indicative basically of like how many mature eggs you can retrieve, basically. And it's lower than it was last year. Yeah. That with age does go down, but it's significantly lower. She said it's kind of weird because last time your AMH levels were fine. They weren't amazing, but they're within normal range. But your follicle count was very low. And now it's sort of the opposite. And she's

like, normally that's not really the case. They're kind of on par with each other. So she's kind of like, we don't really know. And let's just move forward. And it's just one of these things again, or I'm like lab rat energy. Like you have no idea. No idea. It just reminded me so much of the roller coaster of this whole thing, which is like, oh, I'm optimistic. Oh, wait. Oh, wow. It's looking like a similar thing or worse or better. Who knows? I'm trying to be positive because I'm going to do it. I'm going to move forward. I'll get what I get. And then I am going to be done.

I'm not going to do this six times. And God bless anyone who has done this so many times, which a lot of people do. They'll get two at a time and they just keep doing it. That's amazing. And I'm just really impressed. But this is the last time I'm going to try to freeze and we'll see. Ben, obviously, I'll keep everyone updated, but it's just like it's so annoying. I'm sorry. It's OK. I mean, I have a friend going through a lot of fertility stuff right now and it feels like it's everywhere. And it's just amazing how many people struggle with all of this.

Especially since doing the podcast, a lot of women have come up to me and I know you to share. I mean, just cried in my arms and just said how all encompassing this is that it becomes all you think about. Even my first question was like, well, is there anything you can change in your diet or is there anything that your doctor said that could change your levels? And it's like, then you're Googling things and you're down rabbit holes and you're like, is, is there anything you can change in your diet? Or is there anything that your doctor said that could change your levels? And it's like, then you're Googling things and you're down rabbit holes. And you're like, is it because I mayonnaise my whole life? No, I'm not going to have kids. Like, you know, like, is it my fault? Yes. It becomes so indicative of immediately your worth as a woman. It's so crazy. And also

we talked about this on Race to 35, how it felt very SAT scored to me. When I left the office and after hearing 14 and I was like, OK, like better. It was so SAT. It was like when I took it the first time and then I took that Kaplan course and then I got better. Like I got off the birth control and now the number is higher. It's just a lot. But I do know stress is a huge component and affects your body in such a real way. So I'm trying to just be chill about it. It will be what it will be. That's it.

I don't have control and that's OK. I am going to take this new supplement and I'm going to do what I can do. And that's all I can do. And I think the other thing is remembering that when you're in that spiral, you're comparing yourself to an ideal of quote unquote normal that actually doesn't exist. Exactly. Like there are so many women walking around with, again, a different version for them. It's not their egg count. It's another thing or their eggs got too big and they had that syndrome. Yeah. It's a syndrome where your eggs get huge and then you get so many. Like some people got like 60 and then that's bad. Yeah. There's all kinds of things. It will be what it will be. But I'll be on estrogen and I'm anxious about that. And we'll be recording during that. who has gone through a bunch of a lot of fertility stuff. She has a partner and they've been trying to get pregnant for a long time. And they went through multiple retrievals and they had a couple

embryos and they did an implantation and it didn't work and really been through the gambit on all this. And now she's pregnant naturally. Yeah. So you really don't know. And it's it's I think some people don't like hearing those stories because they're like, well, that's not happening to me. But it could. And it's just nice to have hope and hopeful stories. Yeah. Anyway, so I'll keep everyone updated on that. I wanted to tell you and I forgot. OK, so let's see. This is relevant. Do you plan on selecting gender from your frozen eggs? This is from Julia. After going through fertility treatments, we are preparing to start IVF.

We have the option to have a random embryo implanted, making the gender a surprise, which is fun. But they can also test and select certain embryos before. I would love to be a boy mom. I'm conflicted between letting things happen by fate and taking advantage of the scientific advances at our disposal. When it comes time for you to have you had any thoughts on going random or selecting? I thought about this a lot, actually, because I have a friend with a bunch of embryos. Well, Callie, she was on race to 35. She has a bunch of embryos and she also ended up getting pregnant naturally.

But she has a bunch. And so and she knows she's like, I have this many girls and this many boys, which is such a bizarre thing to know. OK, so she got to choose. I mean, she never did it. She didn't. Because she. Right. She got pregnant naturally.

But if she had moved forward with the implantation, yes, she would be in this position of deciding. Do we just have them put one at random or do you pick? What would you do? It's so funny because my doc is now about, it starts the genetic testing question with our egg freezing. This idea of genetic testing, which we've brought up on our podcast, which I am very much against personally, the idea of selecting like the perfect embryo. And I don't want to use an emotional term, but not taking the embryo that has a disability or has any kind of variation, I think is already feels wrong to me. And so choosing the gender and making that kind of decision feels wrong to me too. And I appreciate her point about these are scientific advances,

why not take advantage of them? And I totally get that. But it's this idea of then I'll be the parent that I want to be in this ideal that you've created in your head. Or again, this is all like personal to me. I don't think you get to choose who your kid is going to be. But it's kind of interesting, though, because where do you draw the line? Because even the egg freezing is going to a length to allow the option of having kids when maybe we're not supposed to have that option of having kids. Like we are already intervening scientifically at this point. Obviously, it's personal. Like you feel fine doing that, but you don't feel fine for that next step of it. And it's every I think it's totally whatever feels good to you. I struggle with this because I really would want a girl. Yeah, really bad. I will say the difference between the genetic testing piece and this

gender piece is they know the gender. It's not testing for it like they have it there. They know with disability testing, I feel you can just opt out of that completely and nobody knows right but somebody's picking that's the other thing it's either i'm picking or the doctor is picking and the doctor isn't god god or the universe or whatever and i want a girl so i feel like i do it yeah but it does feel weird it does feel weird to say it feels because i would just say why right like and and i think i would want a girl because again i the idea of having a boy makes me feel like i would be like not as good of a parent or something like that yeah that i would be a better parent to a girl and so i would want to just examine that or again examine why you want

a boy and then if it's all pure and great or not, you're right. I mean, you've done all of this already. Right. Get what you want. I know. But it does feel like playing God. Yeah. And it's really created a population crisis and a infanticide of girls, I guess, because in the United States, there isn't a preference. It's acceptable, but it is, I think that ickiness or that sort of morality question kind of stems from that, that it can be used for the wrong reasons or with intentions that are bad. Yeah. I mean, I have a friend who has two boys and really wanted a girl and I think has put that to bed and is not moving forward. But it really does open up, especially currently in 2023, when gender is a big topic. Wanting a specific gender doesn't even necessarily mean that that child will identify as that gender. And so you don't even know.

Exactly. But it's so weird for me to think that a doctor's picking. I feel weird about that. Or maybe they close their eyes and pick one. That's what I would opt for. So that it's still faith. Still a random chance. Yeah. Yeah. And that you're in charge of faith or you're like the arbiter of faith in a way. You mean faith. Did I say faith? Is it fate? Yeah. Oh, faith is like, right. That's a Canadian thing. Yeah, that's French Canadian thing. For sure. Also, it's like what everyone says who has a child naturally who does have a preference. As soon as the baby is born,

they are like, you're my baby. So happy. Yeah. i like that she's so open about it i guess most people do have this choice and this is the first time i've actually heard someone ask a question about it so i appreciate that and just putting it out in the open but it's something that most couples are doing anyways but they're not necessarily like bringing it up no you mean like the preference well the choice based on the gender oh but that's only people who are doing ivf of people who are doing IVF. Right, right. Of people who are doing IVF. Right, right, right. That's what I mean.

Actually, this is an interesting stat. Can we find out how many babies were birthed via IVF last year? I'm curious. I'm sure it's higher than it was the year before. Oh, I'm sure. I'm sure it's getting more and more and more, but I still bet it's a small percentage. Since 1978, 12 million babies. And then in 2019, there were 750,000 babies.

Okay. That's not that many. How many babies are born a year? We need like some comparison. Or how many babies were born in 2019? 3.7 million in the United States. That's a significant portion. Should you do the percent? Oh, in the United States though. Oh, that was overall in the United States. That's a significant portion. Should you do that? Oh, in the United

States, though. Oh, that was overall in the world. 750 every year, around 140 million babies are born. 140 million. Oh, in the world, in the world. And then IVF was. Let me see what this says, where it's based on. I think it's just global. OK, so that's a very small percentage. Yes. OK, Based on, I think it's just global. Okay. So that's a very small percentage. Yes. Okay. So I think do whatever you want.

It doesn't matter what we think. If you're doing this with someone, it probably matters what they think. But that's it. It's your decision. It's really your decision. And you're not going to regret it either way. So you're going to have a baby at the end of it and you're going to be happy either way. Yeah.

Ah! Sending lots of love and luck your way to be happy either way. Yeah. Oh, sending lots of love and luck your way. So excited. OK. Yeah. Well, this is a doozy and then we'll end on one a little bit lighter. OK. My husband died suddenly and I think I'm falling in love with his best friend. My husband passed away earlier this year. Suddenly, I was pregnant at the time with our first child and I've since given birth to a beautiful, healthy baby girl. After he passed and while I was still pregnant, I was fortunate enough to be surrounded by family and friends, including some of my husband's friends who I hadn't known very well beforehand.

One friend in particular really showed up helping me fix plumbing issues, crying with me or just coming over for coffee and chatting. I started to notice that he was maybe verging into flirtation territory. And so I just asked him straight up how he was feeling. So bold, I know, but what did I have to lose? He said he was definitely starting to develop some romantic feelings, but obviously wasn't going to act on them and hope to remain friends. We kept in touch, and I had my baby girl, and he remained a pillar of support. I realized I was beginning to have romantic feelings for him as well, which of course brought on a huge wave of guilt. Not because I think my late husband would be upset, he would want me to be happy, but mostly about what other people would think, particularly my husband's friends and family. I also don't feel like I can trust my

own emotions. Do I really feel this way? Is this grief, postpartum, all of the above? I talked to my therapist and this man about how I was feeling and made it very clear that I will always be married to my husband and that he will always be the love of my life and the father of my daughter. He totally understood. It feels like the best case scenario. He doesn't feel threatened at all by my husband and fully accepts that the position of husband is permanently taken. And I'm able to talk to him about my husband because he loved him too. But anytime things seem to be getting real, I panic and pull away. He's very patient and has no problem with this ebb and flow, but I just don't know what to do. Is he a gift from my husband, sending someone to love my

daughter and I, or am I using him as a band-aid trying to heal my grief? Wow. Well, first of all, thank you for sharing that. And I'm so sorry. I have a gut instinct, but I'm relating to her where I feel like I should sit on this before I say it because it feels so intense. I have a gut instinct but I'm relating to her where I feel like I should sit on this before I say it because it feels so intense I have a gut too should we say at the same time yeah okay one two three this is great I think this is so so so tragic and so so so beautiful i do too especially if they were best friends like you know you're in good hands with this person you know it's someone your husband would love like loved yeah loved and if he loved him i agree that he would be happy to have that person in your life but that feels scary to say

because I do I do have a bit of a worry that this is a grief response but I think she's doing the right thing it's just take it really slow and be honest and open with him I'm really enjoying this time with you and the support you're giving and I want you to stick around and I need to move really, really, really slowly with all of this. Be very vocal and upfront about your feelings, but also let that in. Let that person in. Let that love in. In times like this, you need people the most. And it feels, you know, suddenly dying is, I think a lot about my friends and family dying because I have generalized anxiety disorder.

But I do also think about sometimes me dying and what it would do to like, you know, if again, now we're to suddenly, you know. Knock on wood. Exactly. There's no wood, but you knocked it for us. Okay, now I'm. Exactly. There's no would, but you knocked it for us. Okay, now I'm... So basically, my take is like, I'm not really afraid of death. And I have this inkling that I'm going to die early.

And I know, I know, I know. But it doesn't scare me for me. It scares me for other people. Exactly. You'll be dead. Yeah, I don't want to die because I don't want to do that to my friends and family. And so if I were to create a fantasy scenario where I am no longer here, but my husband gets to date you and be happy and you bring each other happiness and create a life together,

like I would be watching down from heaven or hell. I don't know which one I'm going to get, but I would be like, this makes me so happy. Remember when you saved that lady, you're obviously going to heaven. Well, I didn't. She got abducted. You tried to save her.

I tried. So that is what counts for heaven. I mean, we'll see. But I do agree with you that this is a year of going through a lot of things. And so when you're going through a lot of things, and especially grief, don't make big decisions. And it seems like you're not, right? You're approaching this slowly. And when you are pulling back, let yourself feel complicated about this and feel differently about it on different days. You don't have to make a decision about whether you want to be with him right now. You can just kind of be with each other. Support each other. Yeah. Let him be there for you and take it slow. But I agree. I think it's beautiful. I hate what you said. About dying? Yeah. About feeling like you're going to die early. I really now I'm stressed. I hate what you said about dying yeah about feeling

like you're gonna die early I really now I'm stressed what do you think it's gonna be okay well I don't want to put it into the universe

but I'm just very distracted you think you're gonna get hit Rob saw me the other day he was just driving and I was on my phone and he was like I thought you were gonna

get hit I did not say that well you said I was worried no you later said I was worried you were on your phone crossing the street. Did I say that? I guess that sounds semi-familiar. Don't gaslight her, Rob.

I don't remember saying that. Well, I remember because I was like, right. Oh, my God, I need to. And again, I just feel like I'm going to be that woman that like gets in between two subway cars because I'm like tweeting something. Liz, you have control over this. I do. And again, when I get texts like that from Rob, which again, we're in Jess, but I go, okay, I need to pay more attention because I mean, I got into so many accidents. Like ADHD for people who know what it's like, it's spatial awareness. That's why I'm afraid to drive. People like

learn how to drive. I'm like, I have imposter syndrome being in a car. I think I could do it. And not to say that no one with ADHD should be driving. But sometimes I really do think like one day something is probably like one of these things is going to happen. You have medication for ADHD, right? Yeah, but I don't love to take it. But yes. Okay, because that's I understand. And I think that's something maybe for another day we could talk about. But this is real. If you think your life is at risk, you have to figure out a way, whether it's medication or not, to try to minimize

that. That's true. That is scary. Yeah. Well, one rule that I have, again, is sound nuts, but some guy did yell at me while I was crossing the street, like, don't look at your phone while you're crossing the street. And I was like, oh, that's right. That man yelling at me is correct. I mean, I hate that man. I hated him at first, but then I was like, that's true. I should not be on my phone. I mean, that's how I sprained my ankle when we first started the show. I know. I was going down a hill emailing or whatever. I am working on it and I don't want to die because I'm distracted. You can't. But I'm not really afraid of like, are you afraid of death? You can't.

You can't. But I'm not really afraid of, like, are you afraid of death? My instinct is to say yes. But then when I do this exercise too, of course. Well, recently. Panic attacks. Recently, I ran out of my seizure medication. Again?

Yeah. Monica. I know. I do let it go to the very last minute, which is bad. I don't know why. I thought I had two more and I didn't. And I had been drinking also that day. So I was like, well, I'm going to go to sleep now and like, we'll see. I felt like I had really set myself up for failure because of the drinking mixed with it.

But there was nothing I could do. It was 10 o'clock. I couldn't get any. You should text me. But what are you going to do? Just so I'm on alert if something does. You know what I mean? Like my phone is on. And anyway, let's put a pin in that. But I feel like there should be a communication. Yeah. But also the thing is, I think we had work the next day. So like if I didn't show up, it would have been obvious quickly that I was dead if I was dead. But I did start to go to sleep and think, oh, wow, what if I died at night? It's such a weird feeling because I was like, well, you know, then I'll be dead. Like I won't know. So there's no point in really having this fear. But then I did exactly that where I was like, oh, but all these people like my parents are going

to be so sad like they're going to be so sad yeah so sad every day for the rest of their life I know and then I really panicked about that and so I was like maybe I shouldn't sleep but then I did and I lived you lived tldr I lived tldr but yeah so the text definitely but what what do you want to do it's just honestly let people know that you i'm not telling like text 20 people and don't text maybe your parents but like text someone who lives close like aka me aka oh also known as also known as i actually didn't know that that's what i thought it was just like a cool. Yeah, me so that my phone is on or again, I can sleep over, which the last time it happened. That's what I wanted to do or offered at least. And it turned into a fun slumber party.

I know that's really sweet because I know people think I'm sure they think I'm being over the top, which I am. But you do have a little bit higher risk of death when it's nocturnal seizures. So that plays through my head sometimes in a situation like this. But it's fine. I do that, too, where you start thinking about everyone in your life. And I'm not scared for me because I'm aware enough to know I won't know. But for the rest of the people in my life who I care about way more than I care about myself. Yeah, that's not good for them. Yeah. Thank you for sharing that. Text me next time. OK. Hopefully there won't be a next time because it's like what I just told you. It's like a kettle black and taste. T.Y.O.M.

What are you doing? T-O-M-O-M. Taste of my own medicine. Okay. And that will never stick in my head. T-O-Y-O-M. Just like Ricky Glassman. I'm really good like him. So quick.

Yeah, so quick. T-O-Y-O-M. Taste of my own medicine. I can prevent that. I just have to pick up the fucking medication on time or get them delivered exactly there are ways to prevent this just like there are ways for you to not get hit by cars and we're gonna work on these things okay we will and also i feel like we answered it i think it's a beautiful gift whether it's permanent or not right now it's serving you and that's wonderful you deserve

that and guilt is not a productive emotion and obviously it's so much easier said than done but unless there are other things going on it's but but but from the letter it really seems like you feel guilty and i think that that's really common in grief oh right Because you feel bad that you are still there. Survivor's guilt. Survivor's guilt, all that stuff. And I understand why your brain is going there, but you are allowed to feel joy even though you're grieving. You must. It's how you are going to survive this. And don't worry about the family and the friends because they're not in this in the same way. And, you know, they're going through their own emotions and grief. And you just have to focus on you and your baby. Yeah. It's none

of their business. Yeah. OK. Oh, I love this. One more for the day. This is from Jason. Oh, we love a male listener. It's called Your First Period and Your Dad. listener. It's called Your First Period and Your Dad. I love this already. Me too. I am a newish dad to a perfect little baby girl. I try to be the best dad possible. My wife is a nurse and I work from home, so I'm going to somewhat be a stay-at-home dad when my wife goes back to work at one year. We are Canadian. Ding, ding, ding. Yes. So he understands faith versus fate. Yeah. And he used duotanks. A lot of people use them. A lot of Canadians. Yeah. We appreciate the Canadian comments. Oh, my gosh. OK. We are Canadian and get a full year or up to 18 months of maternity leave. Incredible. There are a lot of things I worry about with being a girl dad. But one thing,

which I know is a long time away is her first period. So my question is, did either of your dads ever talk to you about it beforehand and when it happened? Or was it really something that was mostly hidden from him? He didn't know about it. As a male listener that went through cancer-related fertility stuff, I love both of your shows and appreciate you so much. Jason, we love you so much. Okay. I love both of your shows and appreciate you so much. Oh, Jason, we love you.

So much. Okay. I love this question. No, no. My dad had, I don't even, we've never talked about periods still. I don't know if he knows I have one. Still.

Even in the fertility during like the egg stuff he's just quiet i don't think he knows how to contribute yes that's such a great way to put it which i feel like is a dad thing where they like there are certain roles where they know like getting you at the airport so they put in like hours into like planning for that and so many times because that's how they know that they contribute. And to your point, I think there's certain things that they don't,

it's not that they don't want to, but they don't know how. They don't know how. But also our dad, you know, you're a new dad and times have changed and dads are a lot more present for all of these moments. And I think that's a beautiful thing. And I, in my like perfect world, it's like talk

to your daughter about it. Let her know that you'll go pick up her tampons or pads or period underwear, whatever she needs or cup or whatever. There's so many things and that it's OK. It's like totally normal and fine to talk about it. That's in a perfect world. Now, in reality, do I wish my dad was like, do you want me to get you tampons? I'd probably be like, dad, I don't want you to talk about this with me. But I don't know if that's just because of culturally like the culture at that time, or is it innate that we don't want our dads to know about our blood? So on Man Enough, we had a conversation about it with Lil Rel. Oh, we'd love Lil Rel. But he is separated and talked about how the mom of his

daughter told him that she got her period and he was like hurt that she didn't tell him or again, didn't feel comfortable. And so we had this whole sort of conversation. And again, I am in that generation of baby boomer dads. Yeah. I would love people to share actually what their dads have done if they did do something to really celebrate their period or even just talk about it or initiate that conversation with you. What were you going to say? I was going to say, would I have wanted it to be celebrated? And this is also person to person. Again, in theory, it's like, yes, celebrate it. Womanhood. You can have babies. This is awesome. This is a part of life. But it's a

confusing time and an anxious time already. I think for me, I just wanted to like talk to my friends about it. Even if my parents were super open, I don't know if I would have wanted them to be the people. Getting my period was one of the worst days of my life. Like, I didn't really understand periods, how they work. First of all, like, I was like, I won't be able to eat chips anymore because my stomach, I thought your stomach hurts and you bleed. And I thought you kind of bleed forever. Like, I didn't, I was young. Like, and how old were you? I think I was 12. I was 12. Oh my God. god synced synced for this episode is so synced it really is what is going on wow synced from day one and so i remember i was in the house no one

was home because they'd gone out for a walk i remember vividly like pulling down my underpants and seeing it the blood and screaming bloody murder just no like. Like the Michael Scott gif of like, no. And my mom ended up talking to me about it. She was like, so you don't want to leave your pad in for more than four hours? Like give me this very clinical. And to your point, I was just grossed out by the fact that I was having this conversation, by the fact that this was happening. And now I have this for the rest of my life. So I like your point. But if my dad had like cracked a joke about it, if my dad had like cracked a joke about it, if my dad had like come in

with all these different tampons, I think maybe it would have helped because dads are playful, right? Moms have a different role. And again, this is super generalizing. But I think that talking about their contribution in that moment, yeah, don't talk to me about my menses

and like use those terms, but be playful about it. Say like, here's a box of tampons. I don't know what to do with this, but or bring her a plate of nachos. I don't know. Just like be like cute about it. I like that. Like be cute.

Maybe you leave some pads or tampons on the counter and then you have a sticky note and it says love dad with chocolate and snacks. It could be like a little gift basket of fun stuff i think that's cute i wonder i mean this is all dependent like maybe this beautiful daughter will grow up and be like dad i started my period we don't know she might be just like totally fine with it and then you just support you're just like oh great let me know if you need me to do anything i love that he's thinking about it already jason you you are whatever you're going to do. It's going to be right. Perfect. Because you're you're just already excited about it and thinking about the right way to be there for her.

I know around it. That's why I think you're going to raise a daughter that is going to be like, dad, I started my period. That's what I think is gonna happen jason and then jason you're just gonna be like oh my gosh great do you want to go to the store and get some stuff and then that's it but like obviously i told my mom so fast and then she obviously told my dad right like i never told him no same i kind of feel like i have some memories about what they remember it how they told i mean they obviously told them immediately you think yes okay i mean of course isn't it funny to think about how your dad will respond to that right i think he just said okay yeah you should call your dad now and tell him you got your period you should tell your dad you have your period. See what he says. No. Even still, like. No, I would never.

I would never tell my dad. It almost feels mean, like, knowing my dad. Like, why would I do that to him? Then he's just going to feel like he has to say something. And he will still say, like, okay. Like, he won't know what to do. If I was going home or something and my mom wasn't there and he was going to the grocery store i'd say hey can you get me some tampons but then i'd have to like show him the exact picture like

he'd be so scared in that aisle he doesn't even he calls when he goes to the grocery store he calls my mom 14 times do you want salted butter on so there's okay they have unsalted but it's not the low fat and and it what my dad will do because he didn't have a cell phone forever he would just buy four of the because he was so stressed out about buying the wrong thing yeah these dads but anyway jason i think you'll be great you're just gonna support and the best way i think she's gonna be open i think you also just let the let the girl take the lead. If she tells you, great. If she doesn't, that's very normal.

You know one real way to support your daughters when they're on their period? Be gentle with them. Actually, all men. Just be a little bit more gentle during that time. Every time I get my period, it still shocks me how it takes a toll on your body and mind and spirit. It's actual chemicals getting all fucked up in your body and you have to deal with blood. Yeah. That's the least of angry. Yeah. It's so maddening. So just go easy on her. Get her a little treat. Yeah. I like that. Aw, dads.

Yeah. All right. Well, I think that is all we'll do today. But those were some amazing questions. And we'll get into more next week. Any final words? No. It's okay to say no.

No is a full sentence. That's right. I'm just so grateful for the little community of people. The sync squad. The sync squad. We now have a name, which obviously they came up with because they're so smart. Yes. And I've been so impressed by the level of vulnerability and sharing and the comments.

And I really feel like everyone is here with us and I'm really lucky. We love you guys. See you next week. Bye.