Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Stay in Your Hula Hoop

Episode Date: October 4, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Monica & Liz deep dive into the difference between anxiety & intuition, they chat about codependency, and another strange man talks to Monica. They answer listener questions about having different expectations around sex in a relationship and give advice to a 30 year old virgin.   Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I love the ribbons. I love ribbons. I love that you've been getting into ribbons lately. I hope we're recording. This is important. This is really important. What's been going on? Well, you know, I used to wear ribbons.

Is it the estrogen? I mean, okay. Maybe. First of all, ribbons are a big part of my history because of cheerleading. Right. It's your culture. Yes. So I used to love ribbons and then I took a hard swing away from ribbons.

But now I'm back and I can't say that it's not the estrogen because maybe I'm leaning into my more feminine self. I feel like you are. But I'm wearing really baggy jeans. But you're wearing like color. The other night at dinner, you had a little ribbon. You just came off as very feminine to me, like feminine energy, even in the way that you like were. Do you feel that's true? Yeah, I have a hot take. Oh, I think I like estrogen.

I think it suits me, but it's weird because it whacks everyone out. Oh, it does. Yes. It's like notoriously makes people feel really bad and crazy and rough. Okay. Which is what I was anticipating and expecting, why I stopped drinking beforehand, you know, all of this. And a lot of anticipation. It makes you nuts depressed. Like, what's its reputation on the streets? I think according to the hoes on the streets, I think depressed, anxious, just really what you think classically of hormonal, up and down, crying a

ton. You know when men try to sort of diss women or if they live in a house with two girls and a wife and they're like, oh, so much estrogen in this house. Okay. It's like moodiness. Moody. Okay. Got it. Yeah. And I was moody, but that was sort of before I started the estrogen during the first week of no drinking, I was moody. And I think it was more of the no drinking adaptation. Yeah. It's a lot. But now I just think the estrogen is nice. Okay. I have a hot take on your hot take. Real quick. I don't want to upset people who have had a hard time on. Oh my God. Are we, I know we're not, I know it's, this is like, it is a soft, it is like an easy trigger because you know, I understand. That's very nice. The world we live in. Um, my hot take on your hot take is that the first week you weren't feeling

great because you stopped drinking but now you're like in your body and you're feeling like you are more alive so you think this is all a result of the no drinking i think so i think you're enjoying it now i'm not you're not drinking Every day? Well, yesterday we went to an event. Yes, I saw you. It was so fun to see you. I didn't know I was going to see you. I didn't even think you'd be home in time. You've been across the world and back in 24 hours, basically. So I didn't know you were in town. I went to this event. We can shout it out for One Fair Wage. Yes, very important organization. Great organization. And I brought my friend Molly and and you were there, and it was really exciting. It was so fun.

I will say, I think the logistics got a little out of hand. At the event? Yeah. Oh, I mean, I have so many notes. Right? But also, I feel like it's mean. I know, same. The acoustics, people, the acoustics.

And I can't tell you how many events I've been to. It makes me angry because these are important organizations, causes we need to hear from the people who are telling us all the information that we need. And One Fair Wage is the most pivotal organization helping service and restaurant workers get fair wages. And yeah, the acoustics were really, really bad. And I felt it was just, yeah. Also, this is funny. I might leave this in. Okay. I have a

theory. Well, I don't have this theory. I have friends who are wheelchair users and they have told me I can get into anything. No one's going to reject a person. And they should. But we did it with Sid. Sid didn't have a ticket. And we're like, let's just see. We'll just see if they would reject. Yes, my friend Sid. She 100% didn't have a ticket. 100% didn't, let's just see. We'll just see if they would reject. Yes, my friend did. She 100% didn't have a ticket, 100% didn't have her name on the list, and 100% got in. She's like, we'll add you in. And then they feel so good about themselves. Of course. Oh, that's really funny. But yeah. Yes, we were not sitting at the same table, but the tables were pretty scatty wampus. And we were directed to one table, then another table, then another table. And it

was hectic and it was crazy. And because of that, as soon as I sat down, I thought, I need a margarita. I need one. I feel really uncomfortable by the last seven minutes. Not, I feel really uncomfortable. I just was like, ah. It was a lot. It was a lot. And so the drink menu is in front of me and I really wanted it. And it was funny because Molly doesn't really drink much. She's not sober, but she barely drinks. And I said, are you going to get a soft beverage? And she said, we might need a hard beverage. And I was like, I know, but I'm not, I'm not doing that. And she was like, oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I saw a beverage. Wow. So even she thought that, which was a little, but it's those moments. And it's been really, cause you told me last week, you said, just be

curious. And I've been curious about what's been going on and noting when I feel that yank towards alcohol. And that was a moment where I know I would have felt just at ease knowing a drink was coming. There was a woman across from me and she had a glass of red wine and I was like, oh, that looks so warming and cozy and nice. But when I got home, I was happy. It's weird. It's like in the moment I want it, but then after the fact, I'm glad I didn't. Not just because that was a goal I set and then I've accomplished it, but just like I feel better in my body, obviously, not having it because it is poison. And so, yeah, it's this weird mix. I think this is so positive. Noticing the positive, noticing you can also overcome the discomfort and those urges is incredible. And again, whether you go back to 100% what you were doing before or 90% or moderate more, I also think that

the universe presents, like, I think the event was chaotic so that you would be put in that situation and overcome it and know that you can overcome it. Like, truly. I think it was a test from God. Yes. Herself? Herself. They think she was there. I think she was a celebrity waiter. Oh, I wanted to go to Craig's across the street. Do you know about Craig's? I don't, but I see it all the time. What's Craig's? It's like fancy. It's a scene. Oh.

Which is not my thing normally, but it's like a place when you live in LA, you have to go. I've never been. And it was across the street. And so when Molly and I left, she was like, do you want to go to Craig's? And it was like 830. We hadn't eaten very much at this event. So we thought that we would go to Craig's? And it was like 8.30. We hadn't eaten very much at this event, so we thought that we would go to Craig's. It was really exciting for me. We were like just cute. You were very cute. You were cute. Everyone was cute. It was cocktail attire. So I walked across

the street and I don't remember the last time I felt so deeply insignificant. I felt so small and like a little fly around because there was so much paparazzi. Yes. And they were talking to someone. They were all over this one person and he was addressing them. And I was kind of looking, I didn't recognize him, but I have bad eyes. It was dark. It was 830. That's an hour before no one's supposed to talk to you on the street. And I went inside. Molly and I thought we definitely wouldn't be able to sit, but we could probably sit at the bar. So I went in and immediately, it was obviously no. There were so many people. It was a Thursday night, which is weird. There were so many people just hovered crowded

around the bar. And then obviously all the seats were full and everyone is dressed to impress. I felt transported to when I first moved here and I was however old I was, 22 or something, and kind of being around these scenes or you were supposed to try to be around the scenes and just standing near people to try to see. I mean, the absolute worst feeling ever of feeling so insignificant. I mean, in this case, because I don't feel that anymore about myself, I mean, in this case, because I don't feel that anymore about myself, I felt the feeling and I was like, oh, my God, this is just like then. But I thought it was more comical. I could see it in a little bit of a different way because I am happy with my place.

But it is just so funny. The bar is four people deep. Everyone's turned out. No one's turned towards the bar. And I'm standing out. Yeah. Which is weird. The seats face the other side. No, there's no seats. It's like they're standing. But they're looking. That's so. They're just like looking out. Who's there instead of who they're with. That's what I hate. That's the vibe. Obviously, I think L.A. does have certain parts of L.A. Yeah. Have that feeling. But it's yes. But also it's high school, right?

We've all experienced it. Exactly. It was so high school. It was so popular kids. But I was trying to get to the bar because I wanted to see the waitlist at the bar. The nice hostess, she was like, you can go to the bar and put your name on the waitlist there. Make sure you talk to someone specific, like a bartender because blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And she's like, but yeah, come in, honey. And it was like

kind of patronizing, but also she was trying to be nice and not say like, you should go. You don't have a chance here. But it still was really funny. So then, yeah, I tried to get to the bar to put my name on some sort of way. And I couldn't even get to the bar. And all these people are just kind of standing, not moving to let me in. And it was so classic L.A., but in a very stereotypical way and not in a way that I've experienced in the last 10 years, truly. Maybe the first three I did. But that's because if you go to a place like that, you sort of have to expect it.

Yeah. But it was so funny. And then I was like, I'm leaving. And I went to leave. And the guy, the famous, whoever was getting interviewed, was coming in. I tried to look, but I don't know who it was. And there was so many flashes as if it was like Justin Bieber or something. It's funny. When I had that feeling, I used to feel bad and then either stay there and try and make myself feel good or leave and be like,

meh, and just feel bad about myself, but not even really realize why and sort of go to the extent of it. And now when I have that feeling, I just go, ew, I hate this. I mean, not to say that I'm over everything, but I think that now when I identify that feeling, I've tracked it in my body to be like, oh, this place sucks. I don't suck this place. For sure. And the reason I'm telling this is because it feels sort of like an Insular Insight baseball story, but I think it applies across the board to everyone. Wherever you are, this happens to people where you enter a space and you go to a party or something and you feel smaller and significant. And this is just like the most

heightened version of it. I agree with you. It used to have such a major effect. And now I just laughed when I got in the car. I was like, this is so stupid. I don't know who that person is. Everyone just is gawking to see. And I'm about to sound so braggy, but I'll do it at the wrist. He was like, are you Monica Padman? No, no, no, no, no, no. Although that would have been great. No. At the risk of sounding really, really braggy, I'm going to do it for the greater good for this. Oh, no. You just punched yourself. My fist bump did not go well. Do you remember in Ocean's Eleven? Did you see Ocean's Eleven? I know the reference. Oh, no. Oh, no.

I need to see it. Okay. One of my favorite movies of all time. Ocean's Eleven, there's a scene at the beginning of the movie where they're at a club and Brad Pitt is teaching some celebrities poker in a back room. He's the teacher. And it's Topher Grace and Barry Watson from Seventh Heaven and Holly something from Charmed good actors no no I'm not dissing them but obviously Brad Pitt in comparison to them in the hierarchy of actors is higher by a ton he's the most famous person on earth basically and so they're all leaving the club and their paparazzi is swarming tofer and holly and very and brad just like walks right through in the movie he's not a famous person

and it's hilarious and pointed it's such a scene. But I felt like that when I left the restaurant. Because it's like, everyone is right there as I'm leaving. Because I'm literally crossing paths with that guy. And everyone immediately just drops their cameras and could care less. And I felt like that. I was like, I'm him. I'm Brad. And I'd rather be Brad.

I'd rather be Brad. I know. No, it just, it made me laugh because I feel good about who I am and what I'm doing and what I'm putting out in the world. And that's the difference is if I didn't, it would have affected me for sure. Right. Okay. So that's why. I think that is why. But everyone can channel that of, I like myself. You have to remember that in these circumstances when a lot of people are getting attention and you're not, that you're still valuable regardless of what they know about you. Yes. And the people who are getting attention, again, whatever that

situation is, are probably so insecure in that moment too, right? Like it's that warped thing of I'm bad and they're amazing. And it's like, no, they're probably overthinking their stuff and wondering why this other guy got 12 photographers instead of 10. It never ends. Yeah. It's a specific feeling. Like I think something I've been trying to do is map feelings. One thing I really struggle with, if anyone has advice. Yeah, this is a two-way street, by the way. All of this is a two-way street. The difference between my anxiety and intuition for me feels like a difficult thing because sometimes I'm like, am I just really sensing that this situation is bad or this relationship is bad? Or is it my anxiety screaming at me, creating issues where there are no issues.

So is it real or is it made up? I think it's tough. So something I've been trying to do is notice the feeling of intuition. Like in my body. In the past when I had a feeling and then it turned out to be true and that it was my intuition, that was a specific feeling. And then same with kind of anxiety. It's almost like intuition for me, it's different for everybody, but intuition is lower in my body and anxiety is kind of like up here, right? So it has a different rhythm and feel to it. And so in that situation, that specific feeling of, it's almost like I'm not included. It's not just, it's not really, I'm not enough. It's like you feel excluded and knowing that, oh, I'm feeling excluded right now. And then to get out of that situation and then you've fixed it.

You have control and sort of agency there. But knowing what the feeling is, is how you get that agency. Because if you don't know what the feeling is, the best action can't follow from it. Yeah, that's really smart. I think I conflate that all the time, too. I mean, going back to the guy on the street and what happened yesterday,, too. I mean, going back to guy on the street and it happened yesterday, too, again. Did a guy talk to you on the street? No, a different. During the middle of the night at 9 p.m.?

No, middle of the day. Wasn't on the street. Someone knocked at the door and I never answered the door. But I thought maybe it was my package that I have to sign for. So I just opened the little window in the door and there was a guy there and he was like, uh, hi. Like it felt weird because he he wasn't like, hey, I'm in like like launch into a spiel. He didn't really know what to say, but he was not unhoused, which is what I would have expected in that situation. And eventually, like, he looked over. Next to my apartment, there were these pads, like moving pads. Okay. I don't know why.

It's been there for like a week. I think someone moved in and somehow they got put there. I don't know what a moving pad is. It's like a foam pad. Like what you would do to buffer a dresser. Okay, got it, Got it. Yes. And so after like some seconds of sort of not saying anything or just sort of stammering, he looked over and he said, is that trash? And I said, it's not mine. And he was like, oh, okay, sorry. And then I closed the window and I felt really anxious.

I was like, what is going on? Because it felt like that was just what he decided to say, right? Because it wasn't like the first thing he said was, hey, is that trash? It was this confusion for a bit before that ask. It was weird. And so I closed the window and I thought, huh, was he trying to rob me? Not like hurt me, but was he seeing if anyone was in this apartment? Oh, and then I was. So then it was like he needed to get out of that. But why are we so sure that I'm not? I'm not so sure.

OK, I want to be honest about that. I wasn't so sure, but it felt like if you're going to knock on someone's door to ask them a question, you know what that question is. So when there's no question until he like looks over and then sees a thing and then has a question, it just didn't feel consistent. Didn't feel consistent with what I'm used to in my brain. So I closed the window and I just kind of stood by the door to hear, like, is he going to move that trash out? Like, what's happening? And then there was no sound for a while.

It's like, so he's still there. Then finally he went upstairs. In the building? Yeah. Okay. And then I don't know what happened up there. There, okay. Then finally he went upstairs. In the building? Yeah. Okay. And then I don't know what happened up there. Okay. Maybe he was asking them.

Other people, yeah. It seems like he was just trying to understand what the pads were and not throwing out other people's stuff and trying to figure that out. Which I do think ultimately probably is what it was. But you thought he was trying to rob other- No, I didn't know. That wasn't my go-to. My go-to is like, this person has a question, or really, I thought he wanted to sell me something like water or whatever. But then that wasn't happening. It wasn't happening

for a long time. So I didn't, that made my spidey senses go off. So he goes upstairs. I don't know what happens up there, but this is a long time that all of this is going down. Then finally he walks out of the building and he goes into another of the buildings. I look, it's still there. And so then I just like scurry out of the apartment. So as far as anxiety and intuition, that's what I was saying. And it's sort of a sim that you're bringing this up because I thought this too. I was like, what is me just being scared? And what is really understanding what's odd and not? It's hard to know. It's hard to know. And so we need you guys to tell us. But I feel like I've asked people who are like therapists, and I feel like they all give me a response that is not satisfying.

What do they say? It hasn't even stuck in my mind because it wasn't good. It just was like run of the mill and my solution has been the physical. Body. I like that. Well, can you tell me a time? Also, it looks like you're wearing an engagement ring. Oh, but that's the wrong hand. But still. It's both. Oh, both.

Yeah. I made these rings. so I'm engaged to myself. Yeah, New York ran really well. Yeah. I got engaged twice. Liz was in New York for 24 hours. I got engaged twice. Wouldn't be surprised. Synced is sponsored by BetterHelp.

I don't have Liz today, but I have my other soulmate. A very, very similar stand-in. That's right. Tall, lanky. Also goes to therapy. Also a big proponent of therapy. If you're a listener of this show, you know that we say the phrase,

my therapist said, like minimally four times an episode. We really believe in it. And I actually haven't been in a week and a half. Can you feel it? And I can really feel it. And I realized how much I really need it and how many things were piling up every day of me thinking, oh, I need to talk to her about that. Oh, I need to talk to her about that. Oh, this has come up. This has come up. What's really funny is I too will convince myself I'm done. And it's because I feel good,

which is a result of the therapy. Exactly. Exactly. If you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, designed to be convenient, flexible, and suited to your schedule. Just fill out a brief questionnaire to get matched with a licensed therapist and switch therapists anytime for no additional charge. Super easy. Make your brain your friend with BetterHelp. Visit betterhelp.com slash sync today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash sync. We are supported by AG1. AG1, the daily foundational nutrition supplement that supports whole body health. I drink it all the time. I gave AG1 a try because I was feeling very lethargic and I needed an energy boost. I feel it right away. Yes. I get like an actual spring in my step. Exactly. And this is so funny because I was just talking about

AG1 yesterday to a friend who was exposed to it via us and now drinks it every day. And she was on an airplane and she had it with her on the plane. And she was like, yeah, I just felt so immediately rejuvenated after a long haul flight. I drink it in the morning so I can get that boost. It has a science-driven formulation of vitamins, probiotics, and whole food sourced nutrients. So you really are getting it all in one-stop shop. One-stop shop. That's right. If you're looking for a simpler, effective investment for your health, try AG1 and get five free AG1 travel packs and a free one-year supply of vitamin D with your first purchase. Go to drinkag1.com slash synced, S-Y-N-C-E-D. That's drinkag1.com slash synced. Check it out.

synced. Check it out. Okay, well, pin in that because I do want to circle back around to that, but can you tell an example of a time that your intuition was right? I mean, in dating situations. I was just thinking about it with my situationship this summer because I was talking to Rob about it, where certain things were confirmed about this person that I was seeing that I kind of had gut feelings about, but overrode. Because in a dating situation, you'll see things come up and you'll be like, oh, that's a thing. But then 90% of their behavior, it's not like 100%. No one's all good or all bad. Exactly. Then you kind of gaslight yourself into being like,

he's not like this because he did that thing or he did that thing once. And so you end up overriding your own intuition in favor of an image or an ideal that you want this person ultimately to be and to meet, even though they're showing you the ways that they're not. And so after talking to Rob about it, I like tapped it. I was like, oh, right. Like when that happened, that was a feeling. The first few times we hung out,

like there were clear signs of him being kind of avoidant, right. And sort of just unavailable in a lot of different ways, but also in other ways, he was extremely effusive and seemed very available. And so, yeah, I was like, oh, I have to remember that. What did that feel like? And to believe myself, you know, and to really trust myself. It's just hard. Yeah. What about you? When were you right about your intuition? Well, I've been proven right a lot. Again, not to brag. This is a very braggy episode for me. write a lot. Again, not to brag, this is a very braggy episode for me. But I've had many instances in life where I had a suspicion about something and a feeling and I knew it in my bones. I mean, we've talked about it. I mean, if anyone has listened to the Day 7 episode, that's an example.

I knew that something was going on. I knew it was likely a drug situation. And I asked, you know, and it for a little bit was rejected, but I still knew and I was ultimately right. So I've had a few of those in life. And I think it's done me a bit of a disservice because since I have been right on some really important salient moments, I do think I let that evidence make it 100% for me of like, I'm always right about those things, those feelings, those intuitions. And I'm not, I mean, there's no way I can always be right about that. But it is hard when you're proven right. Yeah. You're right a lot. You are. I think you are, though. This is not helpful. I shouldn't be saying this to you. I think it's because you are often suspicious. I feel like you're a skeptical person. Yeah, I do think so. And I am not. Guy on the street, I'm like, of course not. I'm like, me, me, me. And maybe I am more often right in that instance.

But I think in the instances that matter, you have a good intuition. Yeah. I think I do, too. But I have to monitor that because I can let it run away with me and then look for things that are problems. let it run away with me and then look for things that are problems and try to fix other people's problems all the time. On a recent episode of Nobody's Listening Right, one of my favorite podcasts, Elizabeth and Andy, they talk about codependency, which is funny because the two of them and me have also had a conversation about codependency because I asked Elizabeth if she was codependent and she was like, I don't really get what it means.

And so we talked about it a little bit. But then on the episode, they were literally reading the definition of it. And I know I have codependent tendencies. But when I heard the definition, it was rough. It was so dead on. What spoke to you the most? The part. Well, I wonder if I can play it. Okay, hold on, let me find it.

Vaginas. Vaginas have to do with pedicures. Vaginas. That's a lot. What's pedicure? We're skeptical of everything in the world. I know. Now, that attitude is really interesting to me. Well, I can't find it. Well, what do you remember?

Let's see if I can find the definition. Okay. Codependency. It is also known as relationship addiction because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided. It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. Yeah, I always saw it as like, it's like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, codependents are addicted to people. And that your mood is dependent on someone else's.

Exactly. That you're tethered in that way to other people's behaviors, attitudes, beliefs, not just their mood, but like how they're doing and what they're thinking and how they're behaving. Your mood is contingent on those things. And so you become really annoying. Yeah. Okay. The main sentence that felt true in a way that made me really bummed. I mean, there was a bunch, but I had to be really honest with myself that this is true. Codependents often take on a martyr's role and become, quote, benefactors to

an individual in need. Wow. That is so me. And something I personally have been working on for the past almost two years of really trying to let people be who they're going to be, do what they're going to do. It's not a reflection of me. I can't fix it. And to not want to meddle and be involved and be the person who, quote, figured it out or came to this conclusion or resolved it or approached or any of it. I don't want to be that anymore. The martyr thing is so female coded. It's so hard not to be a martyr in a patriarchal society.

It's so hard for, I think, again, it happens to men too and people of all genders. But I really do think it's such an inescapable role for so many women, particularly mothers, because you're working victim of other people and you're just self-sacrificing and you can't stop and you're resentful that you have to self-sacrifice. But you're resentful, but you're also getting off on it. Yes. And that's the double-sided sword. Double-sided sword. Double-edged sword. That's what it is. It is, though. It's like, oh, I'm so upset that I have to be the one that always blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

But it is feeding you, too. Right. And you have to acknowledge that it's feeding you. The pleasure you're getting from it. Yeah. And that's the only way to dismantle it is to recognize, like, oh, I actually like it. And so I'm seeking it you. Exactly. You're getting from it. Yeah. And that's the only way to dismantle it is to recognize like, oh, I actually like it. And so I'm seeking it out. Yeah. And I am also not changing the circumstances that would allow me to not be that role.

Yeah. Right. Whether it's getting out of a certain relationship or a marriage or also just saying like, I'm not going to do this thing anymore. Yeah. And changing your behavior, even though it's going to have repercussions for the people around you. Right. But yeah, the pleasure.

Wow. And so do you see that show up in big ways and small ways or mostly big ways? The martyr thing. Across the board. You mean like the consequences of it? You cited a really big example, right? With Dax and high stakes, right? Right. So I just wonder if it happens in like low stakes ways. Oh, for sure. For sure. You cited a really big example, right, with DACs and high stakes, right, situation.

So I just wonder if it happens in like low stakes ways. Oh, for sure. For sure. It happens all the time. That is so my nature. I think people who identify as being very strong and independent don't think they can be codependent. And it actually afflicts those people potentially more because you feel like, I know and I have a lot of the answers and I am strong so I can take it. I can take this

emotional pain or whatever it's going to be. You leave it feeling like you have a big scar and that hurts, but also hurts so good. Yeah, it hurts so good. are and that hurts, but also hurts so good. Yeah, it hurts so good. I have to really monitor it. I do think I've got better. I'm not fully better, but I am aware of it in such a different way than I used to be in making active different decisions in the moment. It's one thing in like when we're talking now to be like, just don't do it or think it through. You have to, as the program would say, pause when agitated. Literally stop when you're feeling the sense of, I noticed something's going on, so I'm going to ask, which seems normal. That seems like a normal thing people should be able to do is if I think something's going on with you, I would feel like I should say,

is something going on with you? But when you're someone like me who is constantly doing that, and this sucks. Sometimes I have to say, I think something might be going on, but I'm not going to ask. Yes. And it's really hard. It goes against absolutely everything in your body. But once you do it a few times, it does get easier to do. Well, you're creating a new pathway. Yeah. And I relate so hard. The image that really helped me, because I was in that program, someone said in a meeting once, they were like, stay in your own hula hoop. And like, for some reason, I was like, right. Yeah. Because if I'm in my hula hoop, and you're in your hula hoop, even if you're having trouble with your hula hoop, me getting involved with your hula hoop and you're in your hula hoop, even if you're having trouble with your hula hoop,

me getting involved with your hula hoop will actually make your hula hoop worse and mine. You lose your hula hoop. Yes. I lose my hula hoop. You lose your hula hoop. Now we both, and I actually can be less of help to you because now my hula hoop's off. Whereas if I just stayed in my own hula hoop and I can support you, I can shout at you, I can like not shout at you, but like support verbally or in other ways or like be like, go Monica, go. Punch the ceiling. Punch the attic, fist pump.

And that actually not only is better for me, but it is also better for you because you feel so guilty. You're going against your programming, right? For me, it was like, I'm such a bad person that I'm not trying to help this person or I'm not trying to make them feel better in taking this on. What really helped me was this helps them. It does. It actually helps them. And this is the altruistic thing to do, actually, not the selfish thing to do is important to remember. Yeah. It's tough out there. It's rough. A lot of hula hoops. There are hula hoops everywhere. You got to just stay grounded. Okay. We have some really good questions today. I'm very excited. I mean,

we always do, but we're going to jump in to a couple. Okay. This is, I think, maybe one of the most universal questions that people have. My partner and I have different expectations slash desires around sex. How do we compromise? Let's go. Hi, Monica and Liz. I'm a huge fan of your show and I'm in need of some advice from the reputable Cinch Squad. I love that that's catching on. That is so sweet. My partner and I have been together for three years. We love each other deeply and have a strong commitment to one another. We are able to talk things through and often do a good job expressing our feelings and finding middle ground that works for both of us. Recently, however, we've had a hard time discussing and compromising when it comes

to sex. He would like to have sex a lot less than I would, probably closer to every other week if he truly had it his way, where I would like to have sex one to two times a week. This is obviously a huge discrepancy and such an important thing in a relationship. How do we compromise without making one another feel forced or unsatisfied? I love him so much, but I'm feeling more and more unsatisfied by our sexual relationship as time wears on. I don't want to leave him, but I'm increasingly worried I may be convincing myself to stay because the other parts are so great. Please help. I may be convincing myself to stay because the other parts are so great. Please help.

I feel like I personally know six people who are going through this and like could have written this exact same thing. I have immediate thoughts, but I want to hear yours. No, you should go first. Two things pop out. One for me is I'd like her to think about what the sex is giving her. Is it just purely pleasure? Is it literally just that? Is it validation? Is it feeling wanted? I mean, sex is all these things, being admired, being loved, whatever. There's so many pieces to sex. And I want her to identify what it is she actually needs out of it. Because maybe a middle ground could be that she gets those things in another way from her partner and has a conversation like, look, I don't feel wanted when this is happening. And I feel like there's an imbalance in how much I want you and you don't feel wanted when this is happening. And I feel like there's an imbalance in how much I want you and you don't. But you have to know what the thing is. It's not just sex. I think it's a

little tricky to just say, it's not tricky. I mean, everyone says that, but you have to know what the sex is giving you to know what you're lacking. Like the need behind the need. Yes. Okay. And it could actually be fucking just pleasure. Then, you know, it's like, I need this physical action in that case. Yeah. I don't know. I do find this really hard because I don't ever want to tell anyone either thing. Right. Like, I don't want to tell him you have to have sex with her. Right. Right. Because also if this was reversed, you would never tell a girl like you have to have sex with her. Yeah, right, right. Because also, if this was reversed, you would never tell a girl, like, you have to have sex with him

just because he needs it. Right. I kind of, I actually love the way the genders are breaking down in this. It's like a twist. It is. I think it's more stereotypical or expected, right, for a guy to want it more than the girl.

But I think in many cases, this is happening in a lot of, you know, homes. There's a lot of studies around this, right? That men feel this pressure actually to always be up for it. And that that's like a core facet of masculinity or the ideal of masculinity. Sexual prowess. Yes. That you're always like, sex? Sure, let's go. Horny all the time. Yes. And that if you're not, you're not really a man, right? Or you're gay, right? That there's these transgressions of masculinity that must exist. And so I do think that makes it hard, particularly, I think, for men to talk about sex. I don't know, in this case, maybe that's not at

play at all. But I wonder if that's also sort of a barrier to communication here. And if a guy doesn't want to have sex. What is his need? Right. And we can't judge. There is no normal. No. Right. It's what you make for you. Yeah. Yes. Between you and your partner. And in that conversation, if they were to have it, they should have it, even though it's a hard conversation. It's like, is it that this is your preference? This is what's comfortable for you? Or is there a reason why you might not feel connected to me? I know a few friends who are going through this too.

And in those cases, when you start talking about it, you think like, oh, this is about sex. And it's not. The way that we are in the bedroom is the way that we are everywhere. I think like it's just another expression of who we are. And so what is the underlying thing going on? And again, like I have a friend that there's an underlying clear sort of mental health issue with one of the partners. And it's not being expressed directly.

And so it's being expressed in all these other ways, including in the bedroom. Yeah. But also the other truth is sexual drive is not an on or off switch. And it is a spectrum. And some people don't want to have a lot of sex. And that is hard. I know a situation where that's happening, right? Where one partner is just not that into it. That's it, right? They're just not that into it. And the other partner is very into it. Also, circling back to sort of what I said at the beginning, I think

the partner who's very into it really feels unlovable in those situations. Of course, yeah. And so I think that's the conversation to have is I feel not loved or like not receiving any affection. And for them, that's a huge love language. so it's saying i'm not getting any of these things in this relationship right now sex is a clear indicator i understand that maybe we're not going to have sex as much as i'd like but i still need those things and they can come in a different format but i need that in a relationship. Understanding what you really, really, really need out of a relationship is important because relationships can be beautiful and wonderful and awesome and not give you what you need. And that, I think, means you shouldn't

be in it. Yeah. And is your partner interested? This is so bare basic thing, but when you say what you need, are they interested in meeting that need? Or are they defensive? Are they saying, no, you actually need this other thing? Or are they coming up with excuses? If your needs don't get met, it's ultimately going to be a tough relationship.

But if your partner is interested in what you need, I think you can work it out, right? Because then you're both working on this project together. It's like a team project. I think where we run into situations is when the other partner, because it's an uncomfortable conversation or because they don't want to talk about their sex driver, they're not able to figure out what's going on. Then they're not able to hear their partner.

And I think that's where we run into issues. But if he's willing to and interested and like, oh my God, you're not getting these needs met. Let's figure this out. Let's figure this out. I think then that's, you will. Did you watch like Sex, Love & Goop or How to Build a Sex Room? Like, I feel like there are also shows

that you could watch together maybe even that are good conversation starters. In Sex, Love & Goop, it's a lot of couples who sexually aren't connecting. They really care about each other or they're on the brink because of this. And you sort of see them work through different things. And some of it is woo-woo and weird therapies. But one of them is just filling out a questionnaire of what you like. And the partners are often discovering things about

themselves that they didn't even know. And so it's just like an opportunity for self-discovery. And yeah, and how to build a sex room. They create space that's more you know one of the things that can be an issue is what's the environment you're in what's going on in your life and so it's a cool like being curious and taking it as an opportunity to learn more about yourselves and each other and i do think another thing to remember about sex is so much of it is not about your partner. It's about you. If you yourself are in a bad place or depressed or you don't like yourself or you're not feeling good or you're not feeling attractive to yourself, it's very hard to engage in a sexual relationship because the whole time you're just like, oh, I'm gross or I don't like me.

So there could be something happening there too psychologically with the partner. So, I mean, I hate to always do that, but like also couples therapy cannot hurt. Of course. Just to get into the nitty gritty. Yeah, if you can. Again, women, it's just coming back to like men have these expectations around sex and women also have the expectation that they're always going to be desired. Exactly. And so when we get rejected, it's like, what? It's very difficult and we make it about ourselves. It must be me. It must be my body. And to your point, it's often what's going on with a partner. And so

unless you're really talking through these things, you can misinterpret and there could be a lot of miscommunication that, yeah. Well, that was fun good one. That's fun. Thank you for that question. Yes, thank you. Okay. How do I start dating as a 30-year-old virgin? I recently turned 31 and I've never been in a relationship. I've really never gone on dates either, making me a 30-year-old virgin. Not by choice, and don't worry, I have several vibrators. But as I've grown into myself and become more confident, I want a partner in life. It often feels like all of my friends have, quote, their person, and I want that too. I clearly need to swipe on apps and get out there, but I'm incredibly nervous about navigating

the sexual aspects of relationships when a lot of people are looking for hookups. I need any advice you have for dating and navigating the dating world in your 30s, specifically when you don't have a ton of experience. After listening to your first episode and you talk about fantasies in the fact check, I knew this would be a safe space to talk. I've started this form and deleted it three times. Oh, I love you.

And this is obviously a safe space to talk because you're talking to me. I'm you. Yeah. It's really daunting and really scary when all of a sudden you're an age and you've never had sex and talk about really feeling like something's going on with you, right? You're like, how is everyone in the world? How is that person and that person and that person had sex and I hadn't. Like you really start making it about your deficiencies. And it's so not that. It's just the way your life went.

And it is okay. When I lost my virginity, I was almost 30. And I was like, I have to get this done. It was hanging over my head. It might be a little different for her. But for me, I knew I need to rip this bandaid off so that I don't feel constantly like there's going to have to be this big conversation because it does feel like that. It's like whoever I have sex with at this point, I have to tell them Like when you're 16, everyone's just assuming that everyone's avert. You know what I mean?

And as time progresses, you start to feel an obligation to say. And by the way, I actually do think you are obligated. Not obligated. You're not obligated. But I think you're doing yourself a favor by telling the person. So this is what I did. It was a mutual friend. So it wasn't a dating app, which I think was

helpful. I knew that this person was not a bad guy. I knew I liked him enough. Really, at this point, I was not like, this is going to be my husband. It was just, I like this person. He's funny. He's really cute. I'm having sex with him. I just like made that decision. And we had gone on a couple dates. And then on the third date, I woke up in the morning. We had a plan. And I was like, we're having sex today. Like I knew it in my head.

And I also like felt like he knows. Like this is where we're at. I was so anxious and really conflicted about how to do this and how to have this conversation. And I waited until like the very last minute, which was, I don't know if that was a good idea or not. Probably not. But I didn't want to at lunch be like, hey, so just letting you know for when we probably maybe have sex later. I've decided we're having sex later. Women do decide. We decide that we're having sex later. Women do decide. We decide that we're having sex. You guys don't know it yet. Yeah. And so like, just so you know,

I haven't had sex before. And I thought about that. We were at lunch and I thought, should I tell him now? Just did not feel right. And so, you know, when we got back to his house and we were fooling around, it was right before I said, look, I have to tell you something. And he was like, okay. And I said, I've never had sex before. A lot of people have heard this story, so sorry if you have. But he said, oh, okay. Do you want to? And I said, yeah. And he said, okay, great. And so we did. I mean, it's kind of unfair because he was perfect. Like that is perfect. That is the absolute best response. And I don't know that our listener will get that kind of person. What's the fear? What could be the, what's a bad? That's a great

question actually. Well, the fear is that they won't want to. It's like, why? Why haven't you? Something's wrong with you if you haven't. It's so vulnerable. I mean, it's like the most exposing thing. I mean, sex stuff in general is already so fucking vulnerable. I mean, it's your body. And now it's your mind. But I would just feel so special.

I almost feel like if you're 19 or like 21 and you're like, I'm a virgin, like that people can be immature at that age and have a bad reaction. But like if you're in your 30s, again, there are some idiots out there. But across the board, I just feel like it's like, whoa, that's cool. Like it's just, wow, I was chosen to take your virginity. Like that's awesome. That's ultimately true. But when you're in it, when you're in this headspace, you can't see that. Of course. I would say, and I don't know.

Well, she said she started the form and deleted it three times. So my guess is that she hasn't told very many people about this, about this. Like, this is like some accident or incident or something. It's not. But I was that. Every time I was in any sort of conversation with anyone about sex, like if I was with girlfriends or something

and sex came up, I was so uncomfortable because I hadn't had it or experienced it. I felt weird for that and other for that. And also like, but I want to be included in the conversation. I don't want anyone to know this. It starts to become a secret.

And so I would suggest practicing. I would suggest for a little bit, tell some friends and tell them why. Like the way I just said, like it's not because of X, Y, and Z. It's just- I'm really busy. I would have like a funny script.

I'm saying not practice for what you're going to tell the guy. Just practice saying it out loud. I haven't had sex before. It's not because of anything. And it's not because no one wanted to have sex with me. Of course. But you say, of course, but it becomes in your head.

It becomes a story. It becomes a narrative of everyone has had sex. So if I haven't, that means something. It means no one wanted to have sex with me or I am undesirable. You know, all these things. And it's really not true. And I think the more you say that out loud, the more you just tell someone like, I haven't had sex before, which is I know kind of weird at my age, but you'll hear a you, a Liz will be there to say like, oh yeah, I mean, I think it's fine. And the more you hear that, I think the better you'll

feel about that situation. And then you can enter these dates and know like you're fine. It doesn't matter how they react because you know your story and choose the people, meaning like don't just tell everybody because then I think you're making yourself vulnerable to maybe, yeah, idiots. But tell safe people that you know will react in a way that is loving and positive. And then that reinforces your own story. But your own story about it feels like the important thing, though. Because it doesn't matter how other people react to it. If you know your truth and you know the reason.

And again, I would have never thought no one wanted to have sex with you. Like that would never pop into my mind. Like, duh, of course they want to have sex with you. That would never be my go-to. Well, whatever your insecurities are, they just get embellished by these facts. Like you just corroborate all the bad feelings. If there's a positive story for you about why you have waited, right? Even like, I haven't had sex. I have waited. Make it a have statement. Make it a positive. But sometimes it's not. For me, there were no choices, which is why when people say, why, which that is common. If you say like, oh, I was 29 when I had sex for the first time,

common if you say like, oh, I was 29 when I had sex for the first time. People will say, oh, why? Sometimes there is no answer other than it wasn't really a choice. I wasn't waiting for a very specific reason or person or anything, but I also didn't want to just have sex sort of randomly. And so that sort of led me here. That's great. And that's it. That's a great story. A lot of people have bad stories of having sex too early. Exactly. And it's it. That's a great story. A lot of people have bad stories of having sex too early. Exactly. And it's setting them back, honestly. There's so many positive ways of seeing it. And I would just encourage you to like identify them and to really make sure that you're not using this to tell yourself a different story about yourself. Yeah. I can share also, this is funny because you wanted to talk about this, but I am bisexual. I didn't want to talk about this. And it's coming up in this, and I feel like I need to share this because I'd always known, like I was like, I thought I was gay from a really young

age. I was like, there's something going on. Yeah. And I had this kind of relationship with a friend of mine. We definitely had this, I don't even know what to call it. Intimacy. Intimacy, love, but also like love affair. And it was physical, but we never had sex. And I was like 19 at that time. And then I kind of put that in a little box. You did. And then dated men. And then early 30s. I may have been 30. This is so synced. We're synced with our sync squad. Oh my God. I love this. I'd just gone out of a relationship with my ex-boyfriend. I kind of had this wake up. I remember standing on a sidewalk. I don't know why I remember this, being like, oh my God, I am 30 and I am attracted to women and I have not really ever been with a woman in that way. And I decided to deliberately only date women for a while. And I went on this date with this woman, Daniela,

shout out. Your roommate? Not my roommate. No. Oh, wow. That's complicated. Yeah. Everything got more... No, Daniela, a really lovely woman that I went on a few dates with, and I really liked her and it was great. And then I remember coming home from like our second date or something like that. And like there was like a make out, but then I went home and then I was like in bed and I was talking to myself and I was like, oh, this is so cool. I like really like her. Like, this is so awesome. And then I was like, I'm going to have to have sex with her. Oh my God. where I was like, I'm going to have to have sex with her. Oh my God. Realizing I'm going to have to have sex with her and I've never had sex. And I'm going to have to tell her that I've never had sex and I'm going to be bad at it. And I'm not going to know what to do. And like all these things started like flowing through my mind and I got so terrified and afraid. And so I relate,

really do. Like, I guess the point of me sharing this story is like, yeah, we have this bucket of virginity, right? Or like, I'm not taking away from the weight of what that feels like, but there's so many other people walking around who have a version of what you're feeling and don't talk about it or haven't shared it. And I do feel what I'm sharing is common. Just people realizing they're attracted to a wider way of people than they thought that they were. So they are first timers and even dating women. I was talking about this with my friend actually last week after tennis, which I invited you to come to and you didn't, where she got a divorce, started realizing she was bisexual and started

dating women and was like, dating women is so hard because you don't, no one's kind of lead, like the stereotypical, like the man is leading and goes in for the kiss or goes in for the first move. Often women will date each other and they'll go on so many dates where nothing happens because they're both kind of like waiting for the other person. Yes. And they don't know what the, and so it can delay intimacy in all these ways. It's so many of us feel like little kids in grown bodies. We all are. We all are. And so the way that you're feeling is the way that like that person on the date has felt or is feeling for something else or in another respect. So yeah, take the pressure off. Definitely take the pressure off and find someone who you're

like, yeah, this will do. Yes. Again, that's part of taking the pressure off as time goes by. It's like, well, now it needs to be someone who's like really worthy of it. No. And I would say, and this is probably horrible advice. People are going to be mad at me, but I'm saying coming from someone in this exact same position, get it over with. Like, I mean, get that first one over with. Then you're no longer this work. Yes. It's so crazy that we even have a word for it. Like that's a problem. And you're in this category and you have the ability to remove yourself from the category if you want. Okay. Can we talk a little bit more about your bisexuality? Okay. What's her? Oh no. We actually can't. We can't. Liz, you did this on purpose. No, I didn't. I just really have to go in like seven minutes and we didn't do ads. Let's do a cliffhanger and we'll talk about it next episode. Okay.

Yeah, dedicate a lot of time. Okay. Yes, because I don't know if a lot of people knew that about you. Right. And so that was really brave what you just did by sharing it. And I'm proud of you. Thank you. More than I'm proud of you, I appreciate that you feel safe to have that kind of conversation. And I have a lot of questions and I'm probably going to sound

very ignorant. Perfect. But, you know, I feel like if I can't have that kind of conversation with you, then who can have these conversations ever? So I guess that's for next week. We're going to deep dive. And we have so many more amazing questions, too, that we're going to get to. This was a sexy episode. A lot of sex. Good questions. We'll see you next week. Bye.