Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: T.B.C.

Episode Date: November 15, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Monica encourages Liz to rethink her relationship to social media to protect her mental health & they discuss Monica's blossoming love life. They answer listener questions on how to disclose an STI to a new partner, asking family to stop using certain language around children, and how to proceed when the love of your life picks out a terrible engagement ring. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I feel like I would totally walk around with this. I bought a keyboard for my iPhone. Oh my, wow. Yeah, my eyesight is getting bad. You put your phone like this, because my computer's on the fritz, and for writing and stuff, It's just like been annoying. So I'm going to get a new computer. But in the meantime, in the meantime, it's kind of a cool, kind of a cool thing.

It looks like Barbie. Like it looks plastic and metal like. We ABR? Yep. Hi. Hello. What's up? What's up?

Yeah. I'm good. I mean, I'm like, I'm affected by the news. I'm finding it hard to like compartmentalize. It feels like in 2020, we had to get used to like seeing very difficult things and then having to like hop into a meeting and just be totally normal. And like that shifting, I think has been hard, but I guess it's the reality we live in. Wait, that shifting, like shifting from seeing like the most traumatic thing I've ever seen. Oh, I see.

I see. And then like needing to be like. The transition. The transition. And even like I feel like my phone has become like a trauma slot machine. One thing is, oh, it's a funny joke about, you know, moms who are boomers. And then it's just, you know, a child just. And I don't think it's good for our brains.

I don't either. So I have a hard question for you. Great. Why are you continuing to look? Because I have I there's a few people in my life who I can tell. I mean, it's the worst thing ever, but I can tell via social media, via the things they're posting that they're all consumed and upset that they're all consumed right but there's an answer which is having some distance from it but like I don't like the word privilege in this instance but like I feel like I have the privilege to turn

away and to you do down my phone But does that align with who I want to be in the world? But who do you want to be? You want to be someone who just in the room is like so upset all the time or because it doesn't do anything for anyone for you to feel horrible. It just really doesn't. What do you think you're being productive from I'm at I'm at literally asking yeah maybe I don't know yeah I think emotions are messages and I have been the most productive when I've felt my emotions and used my emotions and channeled them in the right way right and so at the beginning I think I I with this whatever you want to call it I feel whatever I call it it's going to be someone's going to be mad about how I refer to it. But the images were so difficult. I think I was a

little dissociated and now I just feel a little bit, yeah, haunted by it. And I personally think everyone should care about what's going on. And then, yeah, when I start feeling sad about the fact that I'm sad, I'm like, but at least I'm alive. But exactly, though. So I think we're saying we're almost saying opposite sides of the same coin. I'm definitely not saying don't care. I don't think it's right to say like caring equals being in pain. It doesn't. You can care what's going on and hope for change and peace and donate if you want to donate or whatever you feel is actually productive, like what will help a situation or not help the situation. For some people, that's sharing information. I don't find that to be helpful to anyone personally.

Sharing information is not helpful. Sharing trauma, sharing just this is bad, this is bad, this is bad, this is bad. We know. But some people don't. I mean, I think that's the issue, right? Like who doesn't know in your own silo who's following you on Instagram who doesn't know? So many people, people unfriended, you know, people I've even known for a long time have. I mean, you know, it's like even people I work with and it's been very tense and has created a lot of difficulties because people have a different story about what's happening. I feel the responsibility to, and again, I'm not executing on it. That's the other thing is I feel a little bit paralyzed, but I think information is actually really helpful right

now because a lot of people are in the silos of confirmation bias, right? Well, they'll seek out information that confirms their position. And I've learned a lot from people who don't agree with me. I don't even think we can talk about this, to be honest. So I think we should move on. But I'm sorry that you're feeling the weight of it. Yeah, it's just like a vibe shift. Like we're just in a, there's been a vibe shift for a while,

but I think it's just a lot to sort of take in all of the uncertainty and yeah, just a very big unknown about the future and how this all unfolds and how it affects people. And yeah, I don't think it's useful to be in a state of panic. And so it's a good lesson in managing ourselves. And again, channeling emotions in a productive way and self-regulation and all those things. I feel like a lot of people are not, I'm not self-regulating before I go out and talk about it to someone, then it's going to be unproductive.

We want productive things to happen. How are you? What's going on? I'm good. I still have my cold, which is annoying because it's lingering. But it's okay. It's just a cold because I've tested and stuff, so I'm just hanging on. But I do have an update. Okay. Went on a date last night. You did?

I did. Oh my God, you're so sneaky. It was great. Okay. It was great. He's great and so hot. Okay. So that was exciting.

And okay, this is the part I feel really weird and bad saying on here because I don't want to jeopardize what could happen with this person. And there's no expectation or anything, but we're going to see each other again. And I like him. He seems very good. Good heart. Good heart. Yeah. But I have a date tonight as well.

Oh, my God. Yeah. Double double. With a different person. I never date, let alone have. Oh my God. Yeah. Double, double. With a different person. I never date, let alone have two things happening back to back. So it's a new feeling. How does it feel?

It feels weird. It feels kind of unfair, if I'm being honest. Two. It feels like I'm comparing because they're so close together. Okay. Yeah, sure. I don't know if that's fair. Like, it's so hard for me. They're so close together. Okay. Yeah, sure. I don't know if that's fair. Like, it's so hard for me.

They're like contestants. Kind of. Kind of. And that's so, I know that's not true. I mean, sort of. No, because it's a two-way street and there's, I'm not like, it's not The Bachelor. I'm not picking someone with Bachelorette. I'm not picking someone, but I also am, right? Or The Bachelorette.

I'm not pigging someone. But I also am, right? Like in my own head, I am deciding if I want to try to continue to pursue something with one of these people or both. But it's just like when you're texting with two people and you see how two people are behaving. Yeah. It's so hard to not compare them. And I feel bad. Why? So first of all, who's winning?

I can't say. You can't? No. I mean, you can't say it publicly, or you can't say it? Oh, I can tell you. Okay. Definitely one of them. Okay.

So there's definitely one that you like more. And what do you like about him? He has game. He knows what he's doing. I feel excited to be liked by this person. Now, for me, that can be a slippery slope where I want the approval of someone who I think is, quote, better than me for some reason. But I don't think that about this person. So it's broken this weird mold where I don't think like this person is better than me. But I really like who this person is showing me that he is. And I like it.

And I want to learn more about him. And he's so hot. He's so hot. Great. Yeah. That's fantastic. And he's got game like he's like in his career like he knows what he's doing yeah he has a good job he's close with his family we have some fun things in common i enjoy him okay

and so then tonight i feel bad but also you don't even know if he like this is a first date and so he obviously he's probably excited about the date he might not be he but he might right like you guys haven't met yet and so maybe you don't know how the vibe will feel in person necessarily so I wouldn't feel bad going into it it's only about the way I feel I have no idea how anyone else feels in this scenario he could maybe care less about meeting me. No, no, no. I'm not saying that,

but it's not like you're like betraying like a promise or a commitment that you have to him. That's what I meant. That is true. I want to give him a fair shot. And I think it's getting harder and harder as this other person is here.

So you've been on one date with this other person? Yeah. Since yesterday. Okay. But I've been texting with both of these people for a bit. So there was already an advantage. Yeah. Okay. I mean, you could also, you could also. No, I'm not going to cancel. I mean, you could be honest and say like, I just met someone and it feels weird. I've done that.

It feels weird to pursue this when I'm kind of, you know, involved in and I want to see this thing through and give it the effort, sending you my best and like, because then you haven't even rejected them because you haven't even met them. No, but it's true, right? Do whatever feels right to you, but it feels like you don't really want to go on this date. And so if you're only do it for him, I'm saying if you're seeing it from their perspective, it might be even better to just be honest and not even go on the date. It's not for him. I'm not I'm not going on the date for him.

I'm going on the date for me. OK. I feel that I also want to see that through and I want to give that person a fair shot and learn about him, too. It's just interesting being in this position, which is I think most people have been in this position in their life of like have dated multiple people. I just haven't done that. So it's it feels new. Yeah. I try not to zero in too much and especially after one date, because, again, I wasn't there and you are, you know, the judge of your own life. But it's

happened to me a few times where I've gotten really excited about someone based on one date and then yeah I think you know you're still getting to know them and for sure I'm not saying oh my god I feel like I found my husband or something I don't think that I have no expectation other than I'm excited to see him again that's it do whatever you want but you don't have to it's too far in at this point. It's too far in. And it'll be great. I'll go.

It'll be fun. You never know how things are going to evolve. It's happening to me a few times where I've been like, OK, I'm going to not go on this other day because I'm really excited by this other person. But then it still happens. And then the way that things unfold is not the way that I sort of predicted. And those people have either, you know, either there was a stronger connection than I thought or the person who I thought was the real deal didn't turn out

to be. And sometimes they can turn out to be great friends, you know, like it's just fun to meet people, I think, especially in 2023, where like it's just a little harder. Yeah. The older you get, too. Yes, that too. So, yeah, just see it as like getting to hang out. I will. you get too. Yes, that too. So yeah, just see it as like getting to hang out. I will. Synced is supported by AG1.

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I just feel healthier when I drink it. Yes. It's such a complete way to get your nutrition. Yeah. And I have friends who'd always drink it on the plane, which I think is so smart to just because they have travel packs. You can just throw them in your bag. I love the travel packs. I know. They're really cute and they're slick and they're kind of sexy. AG1 is a foundational nutrition supplement that supports your body's universal needs, gut optimization, stress management, immune support, all of it. And since 2010, AG1 has led the future of foundational nutrition, continuously refining their formula to create a smarter, better way to elevate your baseline health. AG1 is a supplement we trust to provide the support our body needs daily. And that's why they've been a partner for so long. If you want to take ownership of your health, it starts with AG1 is a supplement we trust to provide the support our body needs daily. And that's why they've been a partner for so long.

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Your two boyfriends are at the same bar? They're not my boyfriends. weekend what your two boyfriends are at the same they're not my boyfriends but these two people i'm talking to are randomly going to be at the same event how do you know they told me about what their plans were for the weekend and they're the same plan please yes wait that's really funny do you think they're friends no okay i don't I don't. I mean, maybe. Who knows? You never know. That'd be very soon. That'd be amazing. Beyond brand. Anyway, so that's my update.

That's fun. I also went on a date. Share. There's a meme that's like your friend's boyfriends are like uncles. And I feel that deeply because sometimes my friend's boyfriends want to set me up with people and it does feel like you're getting set up by your uncle. So Heather's boyfriend set me up with this guy and he flew all the way to LA to come to my party, which didn't happen because my roommate got RSV and then I got something that felt like RSV. And so then we ended up going for a hike instead once I was

better, you know, tested negative. And it was very like healthy. It's like very similar to your guy where it's just like very good person and I'd love a good heart and very like emotionally regulated. We love that. We need that. And actually, yeah, there is is no game which is my favorite thing you know like sometimes you can be on a date or just with a person and like you're like oh you're trying to like conjure something like you're trying for sure you're trying to create something and sometimes it can be overt and cheesy and kind of whatever but sometimes it's not even that there's a bad intention but you still feel like they're trying to present. It feels contrived. Contrived. And this just felt very two people hanging out.

But he doesn't live here, of course. He has done a lot of work with mental health interventions and like kids. He has a master's in social work, which I was enrolled in a master's in social work.

We have a lot of weird things in common. Great. Which is just fun. I love that. So you guys have been chatting? Well, texting. Yeah. TBD. fun. I love that. So you guys have been chatting? Well, texting. TBD.

No, to be continued. TBC. TBC. But I'm excited. I think it's just good to be out and about. And no matter what happens on this date tomorrow, it will only, I think, help even the other situation. Like it just makes you kind of feel more casual about it.

Yeah. It's all great. Okay. Well, let's do some questions. Okay. Advice on how to disclose STD to new sexual partners. This is from Anonymous. Dear Monica and Liz, I'm writing to get your non-medical advice on how you all would approach disclosing an STD, STI, to new sexual partners. Last year, I was diagnosed with HSV. But what is the, what's the, oh, RSV. What's the thing your roommate had? Remember when COVID was an STI? Anyway, it's like a flash in my head.

Remember when it was like, yeah, there was a moment where you could get it. And then the CDC wrote this whole thing about you can get it through your butt. Well, the particles are like most prominent in your butt. They were talking about like testing. Wait, really? Through rectal tests. I think they did that in like China. I just remember being like, we're so doomed. Oh, my God. I don't remember that. Remember when we also thought dogs could get it? I don't remember that. I remember like not petting dogs. And like a dog died, a woman who had COVID died, and then the dog died.

And they were like, oh, because the dog got COVID. I think it was just because like a monkey at a zoo got it. So they're like, animals can have it. Right. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay. Sorry, Anonymous. Okay. Last year, I was diagnosed with HSV1 and 2 herpes, and I've been paralyzed by the fear of stigma ever since. It sounds dumb writing it because I've always been and still am such

an advocate for sexual health, and I would never stigmatize an STD on someone else. But the minute I heard positive on my STD results, all the shame and fear of others discuss hit me like a tidal wave. I can't seem to get out from under. Fear of rejection already plagues my love life and now having to disclose something so vulnerable right off the bat feels insurmountable. Additionally, I hate that this looming disclosure conversation makes me feel like every sexual experience for the rest of my life has to be so serious. The advice, quote, if he really likes you, he won't care, makes it feel like sex has to be the super meaningful emotional thing now,

which is a weird transition at 27. Anyway, I'd love to hear how you would all approach this conversation. Consider it a group brainstorm. Roughly one in three people have HSV and no one's talking about it. So asking you guys feels like a fun way to normalize a scary topic. Thank you for writing this. That's really true that it's so common and no one talks about it. And I think we shall. Literally everyone has herpes. I feel like we're, no, like it's 80%. One in three. No, it's bigger. It's more than one in three. That's true. It's not literally

everyone, but it's almost everybody. Yeah. Because people don't realize like cold sores. There's so many ways that it exists. And a lot of us had it as kids and stuff like that. And so we forget that we basically also have it. It's actually rare if you haven't been exposed to it, basically. And so I feel like there's such a disconnect between the way that we like talk about it as this horrible thing you have to disclose as if like you have this weird anomaly when it's like you just know that you have it.

But maybe the person that you're talking to may even have it and not even know it. Right. So I feel for her like you can't have sex in the same way that she probably did. But it's a she, right? It's a woman. I don't know. Then Anonymous did before. But it's a she, right? It's a woman. I don't know. Then anonymous did before. But well, what do you think? Yeah, I think this sucks. Like I really relate to feeling like, oh, fuck, sex comes with the conversation. And that was just for me, just a virginity conversation. But it was so it did feel so heavy and so big. And exactly that, like, oh, you can't just have like sex and not say any.

Like now you have to have this conversation before and you can't. It rules out some types of sex. Yeah. Which does suck. This is so tricky because every part of me wants to say you don't have to tell people. But of course you do. Yeah. Of course you do. Yeah. Of course you do. If I had sex with someone and they had an STI and they didn't tell me, I would be so pissed.

And I would probably not stay in any sort of relationship with that person or see them again. I do think it's your obligation, unfortunately, to disclose it. And I hate that because I don't want you to have that. But like, do people have cold sores disclosed? But that's not sexually transmitted. It's not. There's people get. Well, HSV1 is cold sores. Right. But like, I agree with you. Like, I do think secrets are just, you know, weigh you down.

But I also think that, again, with with particularly herpes they also don't put it in STI panels because they don't want to freak out people and that there's a lot of false positives or positive negatives so they don't even like if you go get an STD like an overall test it's not in there because the weight of having a false positive would outweigh the benefit of knowing your status basically and I think there was like a Slate article about this a couple of years ago, the whole sort of pressure on people to disclose when doctors don't include it in STD panels. So again, a lot of people have it, but don't know it basically. Like basically, and this should be maybe helpful to the person, you're disclosing to a person that maybe doesn't even know whether they have it or not, right? Or whether they've been exposed or not. And you should, I think, enter that conversation being

like, I know my stuff, right? It's not like, here's an issue or a problem. It's like, we're going to have sex and, you know, this is my stuff. What's your stuff? Like, do you know what your stuff is? Totally. And I just think, yeah, a lot of us don't. I've never had like a full rundown. You've never. I don't think so. I mean, they check for like, you know, HIV and like, you know, the big ones. But I've never had that full STD thing. Normally they. Do you do it? Yeah. Every year? No, not every year. If I'm getting a pap smear, often they'll ask, like, do you want an STD panel? And I always say yes, or STI panel. She's asking us to brainstorm. And I think that's a beautiful way of putting it and understanding that this is a little more complicated. Just like educate everyone basically on herpes before she

gets sexual with them. Right. Like, hey, this isn't contagious unless I have one right now. Right. Or just run through statistics before she can. Yeah. Or she could ask them, like, do you know? And again, it's like coming from a position of power. Like you're coming from a position of like, I have full information about my body. I have full information about this condition or whatever you want to call it. I feel like in general, people will match your vibe. Like it's not the words you use. It's the vibe. Right. And if you're not worried about it and you're like, it's not something that I think about all the time, like there would be probably like nine other things I would change about my

body before I would change this thing. Like it's not a big deal to me, but I want to let you know. And do you have any questions? Like I wouldn't like go on and on and on. Like I would keep it short and like you're fine with it. And if they're not, again, it's so hard because you're limiting certain encounters or even people that you would want to just have maybe casual sex with or whatever. But it's that, what's that called? It's like a barometer or like a barometer. It's a barometer. Sorry.

It's a barometer. Yeah, maybe you would want to have sex with this person, but if they can't take this on or you feel like they are not going to accept this part of you, whatever, even accept this part of you, like to me, it's not so not a big deal. But then you probably don't want that person in your life anyways. I hope the numbers help. Yeah. Feel like I'm it's not. I mean mean we should just given the numbers it shouldn't basically like yeah it's not commensurate the numbers and what it actually does like a cold sore or a pimple or whatever like it's not commensurate with the cultural weight i guess

that it has and so yeah i feel bad that anonymous has to operate within that reality, but she can choose not to take that, the heaviness of it on, right? Yeah. To me, it's just not a, it's not a big deal. To some people, it is a big deal. And that's also okay. People get to decide their sexual preferences and what they're open to and what they're not open to.

I don't think it makes you a bad person if you say, I'm actually not interested in that. People have all kinds of backgrounds and reasons and whatever. But then that just one person you can't have sex with. It's probably you don't want to have sex with. Like if you don't want to have sex with someone who can't have sex with you. I mean, that's just blanket. But again, I don't know.

Sure. I think this applies to anything right of being rejected. It's a universal experience, right? And we all experience a version of it within the dating world that's like, you know, for her, it's this thing. But for someone else, it's some other disease or some other mental interacting with, they have baggage too. And it might look differently than yours, but everyone's coming in with something. And if the person can't handle your baggage, then it's better not to be with them. So I don't know. I don't see it as rejection as much as just a redirection. And I think that's also important. Have you had sex with anyone, Rob, who you knew had a STI? No.

Have you? I think even that question is irrelevant. If you are sexually active, you're exposing yourself, I think, to STDs. I view it as almost like a, what's the word? Like something risk, like pregnancy is like something that, yeah, could happen as a result of sex, right? And if it happens, then, oh, that's not like the cost of admission, but a little bit. But if you don't want to get pregnant,

there are things you do to not get pregnant. If someone isn't wearing a condom and you wanted them to wear a condom so that you don't get pregnant and then they don't, that's not great. Like, you know, there are things that happen, of course, in sex and people get pregnant with doing all this stuff. But I think you can do it in ways that prevent the thing more or less. But that's not 100 percent. No, it's not 100 percent. Even again, cold sores. If someone has a cold sore and they go down on you like you're going to get it. And so am I not going to engage in any kind of sexual activity because the person might, you know, yeah, that's a decision you can make. But to me, it's,

I think this whole like, they gave me this. And again, it's jokes we hear in movies and TV and stuff like that. But I think it's the wrong way to approach it. And again, it doesn't mean that it doesn't feel, I'm not invalidating the feelings of even the maybe anonymous has of how they got it or whatever. But I feel like we need to reframe the conversation on STDs. And I think even with HIV in the last, I think, even five years with some of the medication that's available for people to manage it, it's become far less of a scarlet letter or whatever you want to call it. And it's more just a reality. To me, it's just a reality. Like it's not if you do all the right things, you're going to avoid getting an STD. I don't think that's at all how it works. I think good people, bad people get STDs, good

people get STDs or they get them the good or wrong way. Like, right. Like I think it just like it happens, you know, the more we talk about it as not as emotionally charged as it is. Like an STD is just, okay, it's something you can get. And then in most cases, something you can treat and still have an amazing, thriving love life regardless of it. That's my view on it. 100%, you know, I'm in my 30s and I've been in multiple relationships and I've dated. So I'm sure I've had sex with someone who has STD. Like it would be rare.

It would be exceptional if I'd never. So I don't think it's that much of a big deal. We are supported by quints. I love luxury. I do. I love high-end luxury goods. And so that is why when you can find that for a little bit less and the quality is the same, it's like a life hack. It is. They have 100% Mongolian cashmere sweaters starting at $50. That is such a good deal. Yeah. This is a great present idea.

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OK, great. Let's move on. How do I tell the men in my daughter's life to stop making comments about her body? This is from Megan. My eight-year-old daughter has a slender figure. Even as I write this, I don't know how to say it right, but she's skinny. She's eight but still wears a size six. She's very active and has a healthy relationship with food. I want her to continue this journey. The problem I'm having is my dad, father-in-law, and brother-in-law keep making comments about how skinny she is and quote, she needs to eat more

or a cheeseburger. They do not mean any harm, but as someone who struggled with my body image my entire life, I know these words have lasting effects. I just don't know how to tell these important men in my life whom I respect, and they do not get it if you know what I mean, how to not say these things about an eight-year-old girl. I'm just looking for the right language to use to help my daughter. Love you, ladies, and happy member of the sync squad. I think always a good way of communication is leading with your own vulnerability because people can't shut that down as quickly. I think if you say, look, I struggle a ton with my body image, and so I'm trying to build an environment in this house that doesn't do that. It might sound innocuous to you, but any comments about anyone's body,

I want to take them off the table just because of my own experience. And I don't think anyone can really fight you on that. I mean, if they they might eye roll and be annoyed, but that's OK if they are. You can still set the rules of your own house and your family. I had to have that conversation with some of my family. You did? Last time I went to Chicago. What happened? There were a few comments from people in my family about calling someone fat.

Oh, God. And I had to tell them away from the kids later, hey, we don't say that word around our kids. And I don't think it's good for all the other grandkids to hear that. Maybe be a little more aware of that. Yeah. They took it. I don't know if it resonated and continued, but it was like around Calvin and Vincent. They don't use that word. Yeah. That's great. Yeah, that is great. And I do think it doesn't really matter if they get it or understand as long as they abide by that rule that is protective of your kid. Great. That's all you can do. again, I don't think it's because these men are, you know, doing something with nefarious intentions or whatnot. But I think that we live in a patriarchal society where women and girls, their bodies are given an outsized

importance and value. And they're going to get so many messages throughout their lives about their body not being the way that society expects it to be or how to fix it or how to change it. Men don't necessarily grow up with that firsthand experience, I guess. And so I think it's good to explain it. I know I remember like every single thing someone said about my body from the time I can remember. Like I remember everything, even if they were like offhand comments. So, yeah, I think it's totally fair game to bring it up and to set rules. I think you do have to let go a little bit of hoping they understand because you don't have control of whether they understand. You only have control of your rules and your boundaries. The fat thing is so interesting because it's so generational.

And it's everywhere. Even in books. I've been reading to Calvin and I just skipped out or changed the word. But the Caterpillar book talks about the fat caterpillar and he doesn't need that adjective yet. Exactly. Yeah. It's interesting. Yeah. Okey-doke. Let's see.

I want more of a fun one. My husband doesn't trust me, but I didn't do anything to break it. Yeah. I hate my engagement. That's kind of fun. That's silly and i i think we need something like that okay i hate my engagement ring this is from elizabeth not you that i know hi monica and liz recently i became engaged to the love of my life for the past year it has felt like this is the natural next step in our relationship so leading leading up, I casually dropped some ring hints. For example, I told him that I wear gold, wear a four and a

half, showed him some examples on Pinterest. I even went as far as creating a shared album on Pinterest called Rings that I shared with my best friends that I thought he'd go to for ring advice. This is great. About a month before it happened, I was drunk with one of those friends and she dropped that I was not going to love my ring and that she had done her best to convince my fiance to trade it in for another one that is more me. Naturally, that gave me a lot of anxiety, but I thought, well, it can't be that bad.

Well, the day came and unfortunately it was that bad. As shallow as it sounds and as happy as I was to finally be engaged, I cannot lie. My first initial reaction inside and as happy as I was to finally be engaged, I cannot lie. My first initial reaction inside when I saw the ring was horror. It was a silver heart. Oh, no, I don't wear silver and I don't wear hearts. I like to think that I have a classic style and I love vintage jewelry. To make it worse, upon telling my best friends, the other two that he went to for advice immediately told me that they had done their very best to get him to get me another ring. So instead of feeling bliss, I felt embarrassed.

Not only did I not like my ring, neither did my very best friends. Maybe someone else would love this ring, but it is just so far from my style and it's not even funny. Instead of feeling so happy and excited to tell people, now I feel embarrassed because people inevitably want to look at the ring. He told me that it didn't have to be my forever ring. And I did express to him in the nicest way that this ring is not my style. I quoted Taylor Swift and told him I'd marry him with a paper ring.

Aw. My plan was to ask if we could use the stones in a new set when we went to shop for the wedding bands. But the other day he dropped some more news on me. He already has my wedding band and I won't see it until our wedding day. I told I told him that I thought this was something we were supposed to pick out together. And he simply said no. And to make it worse, I am starting to resent the fact that he got me a ring that I was so clearly not going to like. He was told so by multiple people and it is so obviously not like anything I showed him I like. I don't know what to do and I feel shallow.

Is this something that I just get over or is there still a way I can get my dream ring? Boy, I asked for kind of a silly-ish question. Not that this is silly, but like a little bit light. And I think this is kind of heavy, actually because fuck oh god the resentment piece feels like a lot already going in and I would feel the same way like wait so many people who know me well told you this is a bad idea, why did you do that? That would be hard for me. Yeah. Because maybe he loved it so much, but why? But also it's for you, right? So it shouldn't really be about what he likes. I would kind of inquire around that. Is it like telling people they have bad breath? Like, is it like so hurtful to bring up that they fucked this

up? Because it's the biggest fucking thing. It feels like a lot of people are in this position where they get their ring and they're like, oh, great. They don't love it. And then you're just stuck with it and you have to wear it every day. That's why I was always under the impression that you kind of choose it together. Yeah. I feel like that would be important to me because also I think guys, I've never been given a wedding ring, but I feel like I've received jewelry from men that I'm like, what men think women like for jewelry is very different from what women actually like for jewelry. And it's usually silver. I know.

And I'm like, I'm sorry if you like silver jewelry. Yeah, also gray. Everyone like what they like. Sure. and it's usually silver i know and i'm like i'm sorry if you like silver jewelry yeah also great everyone like what they like sure but it's always silver it's always almost like for a child like a little girl like again the silver heart thing to me is very women also have a parody vision of what men like boy things that they like right and i just think it's okay to not entrust them with the responsibility of like, you know, yeah, I think they have an image of the commercial. Yeah. Right. Exactly. From like 2001, 1994. And that's what they go for when they walk in the store, because that's the image. Kate Jewelers has done an amazing job marketing. Oh, God. I think men should ask

if they have to get a jewelry for a woman, no matter what it's for, they should inquire around. They should get the opinion of her female friends. And listen to it. I mean, unless, look, because most people go in with a strategy. Unless it's completely out of the blue,

if you know you're heading towards marriage you normally have some sort of conversation like maybe we go ring shopping and I pick out some ones that I like and then you pick from that or then you at least know my style but she kind of did that with these Pinterest boards and stuff and sounds like he just fully ignored it. I would be angrier. I would be angry about that part. Why'd you ignore it? Maybe he wanted... I'm trying to give him benefit of the doubt that he wanted agency and also to him...

Okay, there's also this train of thinking that I don't want to know anything. I know some friends who are like, I don't want to know anything. I want it to be a surprise. I want them to pick it out because I want it to be a surprise. I want them to pick it out because I want it to come from their heart, basically.

It's like they see a ring and it makes them think of me and I want that. And in that case, I'm sorry. If you've done that, if you've declared that, you better be happy with what you get and you can't be upset. That's true. But that is not this person.

And I don't think you can go through the marriage without having some sort of conversation about how do you bring it up. Did he ever ask you if you liked it? Could that be a moment of... Well, it would have been in the moment, right? It sounds kind of like she sort of mentioned it. And I think it's more about bringing up, why didn't you listen to any of my friends? Yes. But then that seems really heavy.

I think maybe in your head, you have to weigh, is it worth having the conversation? Or do you care that much? And are you fine with just wearing that ring for the rest of your life? And are you fine with just wearing that ring for the rest of your life? For the rest of your life. I think she can probably have that conversation without bringing that into it. Of just like, this is important to me that my wedding ring looks this way. And not tie it to the listening thing because he's going to take that personally. That's what I'm saying.

That's a big conversation. But that's what's at the root of this. Yeah, but piling it on when he's already going to feel insecure about picking an ugly ring and thinking he's got bad taste and like pulled an audible and decided on his own that he thinks this looks great. I think that's so true, Rob. I would bring up the listening thing if it's a pattern in the relationship. Again, I think some people give gifts.

I had an issue in my family with a family member I won't name because it's fine where this person would give me gifts that I would specifically after getting a gift that is so not me so not the vibe and also like almost seems to give them anxiety about what the gift is going to be and it's not even something that I enjoy I started giving like a list yeah and then they ignored the list and gave me something that they would want me to like. And there's something deeper there, right? Yes. So if she is sensing that this is a deeper pattern, I would unfortunately somehow lump it into the whole conversation, even though it's going to make him defensive. But if it's an anomaly and usually this is not an issue, then yeah, just talk about the ring.

That's fair. But also she has said in this, I'm starting to resent it. Of course. I mean, it's on your hand for the rest of your life. And there is an element of if you're walking around, if you're embarrassed already, that's not great. And you're going to try not to wear it on days. And then he'll be like, why are you wearing your ring? And you're going to have to be like, oh, I forgot. And so then there's going to read into that and think about him. And on days where you are frustrated with your marriage, which it's going to come, like

now is the good part where everything is kind of easy and light or easier and lighter. And so like when things get tough, then you're going to look down at that ring and be so mad at it. Yeah. Minimally, I think you have to say, I love you so much. This ring really is just not my style. And is there any way we can together go pick out another one? Yes, I like that.

Like, let's both be part of it. But then why do you say no when she said we're supposed to pick out the wedding bands? And by the way, she's right. You do pick out the wedding bands together. And so he's already gone ahead and done that after he made this he's like double and tripling down on his bad jewelry decisions probably like another upside down heart that locks into it oh actually it might sometimes bands do go with the engagement ring and maybe he did do that no she has to tell him yeah Yeah, it's a combo.

You probably have to be more direct because I think it'd be easy to try to be a little passive aggressive about it. And that's just not working with him. He's ignored every single person. And so it has to be you and buffer it,

buffer the ego. I love you so much. As I said, it's not about the ring. I'm married with a paper ring, but this is something I have to wear everyday for the rest of my life so it does have to be my style I want to love it and even

I would start with like a joke of like is there a moment where again whatever you would pick out for him that he wouldn't like like is there an example you can point to like a funny moment right like obviously you wouldn't want me to pick I don't know what you eat for dinner a sweater yeah like that ugly sweater I got you for Christmas like you know just like, I would love for us to choose

something together that I'm going to love every time I look at it. I think that's good wording. Oh, I would say the listening thing for lower stakes gift, though. Well, the listening thing maybe shouldn't be about gifts. It should be like I've noticed a thing and I want to talk about it because I feel like it's a pattern and I want us to discuss it. That doesn't need to be tied to anything, actually. If you really start recognizing this is an ongoing issue, actually, I would say don't do it right after there's like something to point to. You can be like, I've been thinking about something. I want to talk more about it. Or maybe you just go to couples therapy and then you bring it up there. That too. Because that person will help.

Yeah. Not bringing it up. Also, you're assigning intention to his actions that might actually be totally not the case, right? And so I think the fact that he didn't listen to your friends, the fact that he didn't do all these things, you could read into it as like, he doesn't care about me and he doesn't care about my friends. But maybe there's actually, again, a reason. Yeah. So to have a conversation

so that you can learn more and actually be proven wrong about the things that you're assuming. Hopefully that's also like a great outcome. I mean, I'm going to put out there if there are any men listening and you show the ring to friends and many. First of all, then why'd he even show them to the friends? He obviously showed them to the friends to get. First of all, then why'd he even show them to the friends? He obviously showed them to the friends to get some sort of approval or disapproval. And then multiple people tried to convince him to not do it.

And then he did it. I just listen to the friends, guys. Really, if you they know about everything, they know about everything. And women talk to other women about what they like, especially if they're in a relationship and they think a ring is on the horizon. They talk about it.

So listen. Listen. Oh, my God. Wow. Good advice. Wowie wow. I think that's it. We should buy each other jewelry.

That's a good idea. I can see. If we get it right. Are we allowed to be honest? No. Is this a bad idea? Well, I think you'll do great. That's why I don't care. I think you'll do great too. Yeah.

We have a lot. We were supposed to and we still will. Yeah. Target. We're supposed to go to Target but also we have to build a holiday tradition. We do. Yeah. Okay. This week. Okay. We really do. Okay. So this week we have to do our holiday tradition. We do. Yeah. Okay. This week. Okay. We really do. Okay. So this week we have to do our holiday tradition and then we have to buy each other jewelry and see if we like, it's not the same because we've been shopping. Like we know what each other, but also he's

probably been shopping with his betrothed. Anyway. All right. We're going to buy each other jewelry and see what happens. We should go to like target and like pick out three things and then be like did i choose it oh that's okay that's great maybe that could be our holiday tradition yes we can combine actually this is a good idea because have you heard of my friend used to do this with her boyfriend it was such a cute holiday tradition. And it was a gift mash, right? Where they would pick out something they want, something they need, something to wear,

and something to read. Oh, wow. So you pick out four things. So I think we should go to Target. Okay, that's a good idea. And then count of three, we run around the store and we get the four items for each other. Okay, that's a good idea. And then count of three, we run around the store and we get the four items for each other. Okay, perfect.

And then we can reveal them next week. Oh, I'd like that. Should we do that? Yeah, we should do that. Great, so we'll go to Target this week. Or we'll pick a store and go do that. Okay, fun. Stay tuned for our holiday gift reveal in November.

Okay, that's it. That's it. I think we really did it. I hope, you know, the only reason I want you to distance yourself is because I don't want you to be so burdened and feel so heavy because you have a lot going on. You have a fun thing coming up tomorrow. I do. That's really exciting. Yeah. And you should be really proud of that thing. And so I want you to be able to feel that.

Yes, you're right. I appreciate that. And I need to, it's not even compartmentalize. It's being able to, I don't even know. I want you to be able to enjoy things as well as holding the pain that is happening because I think both can exist. Yes, that's true.

And I hope, I just want you to feel good. Yeah, thanks. I appreciate you. All right. Well, we'll see to feel good. Yeah. Thanks. I appreciate you. All right. Well, we'll see you next week. Okay. Bye.