Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: That's What We Do

Episode Date: December 20, 2023

In the last episode of the year, Monica and Liz make tea while debating wastefulness and discussing Liz's reintroduction to meat. They answer listener questions on regretting giving out a phone number, obsessing over someone else's divorce, and how to handle being ghosted post-abortion. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

hello hi okay this is our last episode of the year no yeah i feel sad the year i know but we're not taking much time off you're right it. It's so weak. But it feels major. It's the last one of 2023. Yeah, it's so exciting. We started this this year and we're, how many? Like we're like 21 or two episodes in. Okay.

Feels like none at all. None of all. It sounds like none. It feels like a lot of time has passed and no time has passed at the same time. Yeah. Per use. Per use. That's time. How are you feeling about the holiday? I feel this year I would like to just skip it. I'm having those vibes. I'm sure a lot of people feel, I mean, Christmas is, well, holidays are notoriously a time of depression. Well, it brings up a lot. It's kind of like birthdays,

but particularly with the holidays, it's this pressure to feel very happy. Yeah. Very jolly and feel good about your family, feel good about yourself. Sure. Your relationships, right? Like everything. And is it going to run this round?

I mean, it's probably ready. Okay. So fast. Oh my God. Is it clean? There's some down there. They should be clean. Do you see any?

Yeah. Okay. So hard pivot. Hard pivot. We stopped to make tea. Yeah, we had to make tea. And then we started talking about stuff. Stuff.

And now we have to discuss. So we went and got coffee the other day. Yeah. We went to work at a coffee shop. Yes, that's true. Because I do want to be clear. It's not that we went and got coffee the other day. Yeah. We went to work at a coffee shop. Yes, that's true. Because I do want to be clear. It's not that we went just for coffee because that would have been more absurd.

Oh, okay. When I did. Got it. I mean, okay. I still think it's funny though. Okay. So you had coffee already? Is that what you're saying?

I probably had already had a tea that morning. But like I had to order something. Because you brought your own bagel too. Yeah. So that's why. You have to make, yeah, you have to make up for it. Okay. Yeah. So you, I, you know, you're taking seats and then I go, okay, I'll go get us coffee. It's what do you want? And then you said they have this blueberry thing. Yeah. I don't know what it is, but if they say vanilla, you say yes. Yeah. Add vanilla. Add vanilla if they ask you.

Yes. And then I was really nervous, but then when he asked me about the vanilla, then I knew I'd passed the test. That's right. I'd ordered the right thing. And then I brought it back to you. Or he asked me the size and I was like, the largest one you have, which I feel like is what you're supposed to do when you're ordering. Not for yourself, but if you're ordering for someone and they didn't tell you the size,

you get the biggest one. That's fair. I should have specified the size. No, but I brought it back. And then we were there for a few hours. Yeah, like three. Yeah. It's an outside area.

Everyone's doing work there. It's like, that's the vibe. Computer work. Were people doing work? Oh God, yeah. That whole place is full of people on their computers. It's very common. I didn't notice.

Okay, so then, and then we finish up. Is it bad? Is it bad? Oh, my God. What's in there? I don't know. There's all this debris. From the tea?

From my tea? Oh, maybe it's from the tea. Oh, that's fine. Because I put the tea bag in there tea? Oh, maybe it's from the tea. Oh, that's fine. Because I put the tea bag in there. I'm just worried it's dip. Dip? Well, there's dip all over this place because Dax dips. So I'm just going to pour it out just in case.

I can't drink dip. It's not your fault. Okay. I'm going to redo it. Okay, I'll do it. No, no, no, no. Well, there should still be water in there. Oh.

Gross. De. Gross. Debris. It's probably tea. But you don't know. I can't risk it. No, you can't. Okay, I'm back. Second tea.

So much is happening. So much. Okay. Wow. Actually, Pin, okay? Do you think it's weird? So I drink hot water. I drink just plain hot water.

I know, I know. I'm so impressed by anyone who continues to listen. It's just so out of the place. Anyway, do you think it's weird that I drink hot water? I don't. Okay. Because I am cold all the time. Yeah.

And I prefer hot water. Like there are times where I don't hydrate myself because I'm like, I don't want to drink cold all the time. Yeah. And I prefer hot water. Like there are times where I don't hydrate myself because I'm like, I don't want to drink cold water. And so I think hot water is a move. Even lukewarm. It goes hot, lukewarm, cold. Cold. Yeah.

Cold water is, unless I'm coming back from like a very strenuous hike or like sauna. But even then, I don't. Oh yeah, sauna, yes. You're right. That I would like. But even then, I don't- Oh yeah, sauna, yes, you're right. That I would like. But even then, like it's not my preference. And apparently, okay, so my friend Kat was on a date with this guy many years ago

and he refused to drink cold water on the date. And he kept bringing back the water. I know. Like returning the water? Yeah, returning the water. And then he told her about how cold water is bad for you. And then lukewarm is what you're supposed to drink. And then he returned the water and he was hot and nice. But she was like, I can't do this. I can't.

That's a deal breaker. Returning water. Returning water is the top one. Also, just let it sit for a sec. It will get warm. That's a good point. It feels like there might be other issues. Controlling. Yes, if you're doing that, That's a good point. It feels like there might be other issues. Controlling. Yes, if you're doing that, which, you know, is the big thing. Everyone needs it in a way. Well, we all want it. We all want it, but it comes out in different ways for different people. Okay, so back to the blueberry. Okay, so you ordered it for me. It was really sweet. I ordered it. And then as we know, you don't drink full drinks and you have a history of drinking half of it over the course of many hours. By the time I've drank like three,

because I'm a quick, I'm a quick drinker. You're a slow drinker. And I've never, I don't think in my life ever thrown away a half drink, drink. Wow. That I purchased. I don't think I would be like physically able to do that. But is that because a waste thing? Or I spent money so I have to? Maybe, but there's some cost. It's like already been spent. If I don't like it, that's different. But I have trouble not finishing things, not just drinks, actually, like food. Like, and I eat it or I drink it quickly. I've seen evidence to the contrary with food. Well, at that coffee shop that day, actually, I was thinking about it because I was like,

I didn't finish because I bought two pastries. Two treats. And I wasn't going to eat two. Like, so I ate half of each. But also, Easter egg pin, we are going to talk about your chicken. Oh, God. That's a different story, obviously.

But even like when we go to dinner, I'm never like, wow, Liz eats all her food. Like, you don't. I do. You just don't notice. Because I think, wow, Monica doesn't finish her food.

No, I eat a lot of my food. Remember we went to Little Dom's and we quote unquote got the artichoke and I ate the entire choke. Well, you got the artichoke. And I said, will you split it with me? No, you said, will you have some? And I said, I'll have some.

You had one leaf. I know, because I didn't want the artichoke. I wanted you to get it. So I was like, sure, I'll eat one. But I ate the whole, that's a large, anyway, I feel that I ate a whole pasta. I also ate a pasta. You didn't finish it.

I did. Always gluten-free was bad. I'm sorry, no finish it. I did. Always gluten-free was bad. I'm sorry. No hate, but I'm trying the gluten-free lifestyle and it's not the same. So I ate three-quarters of it. But typically, if it was gluten, I would eat the whole. I've never, ever ordered pasta and not finished every bite.

I love pasta. How can you? It's so good. So good. Okay, so that day with the drink, we gather our things, get ready to go, and I'm going to throw out all my papers and stuff. And I'm going to like, oh, I'll take yours. And then your drink is full. It's the same. Maybe one sip has been taking it and it's much warmer than it was three hours ago because it was a cold drink. It was an iced. It was an iced. And now it was a lukewarm coffee. I drank one seventh of it.

Do you think that's fair? It was huge. That's a big ass iced. Iced cough. Blueberry cough. Blueberry vanilla coffee. It's like, it was like a soft drink. Like a 7-Eleven big gulp.

Yes. Not as big as a big gulp, but still. Anyway, it was a soft drink. Like a 7-Eleven big gulp. Yes. Not as big as a big gulp, but still. Anyway, it was a huge drink. And I drank, I would say, one seventh of it, which is normal for me for that drink because it's very sweet. Okay. I like it a lot, which is why I get it. I like to take little sips.

It's a treat. But I couldn't drink the whole thing. It would be way too sweet. Wow. Now I have a tangential question. Did you feel like it was offensive a little bit because you bought me the coffee? No, no, no, no, no. Are you sure? That's not what went through my head. If I pay for it, it does go through my head. Right. Because then I'm like, you bought this and you're not drinking it and you're wasting your money. But that's different. It doesn't count. I mean, if it was a $500 drink and you just drink one sip and turn it back, I'd be like.

Yeah, of course. But I didn't really. I wonder if guys think about that on dates. Well, not that women don't also pay for dates. Yeah, we don't have to gender everything. We don't, but. It's so hot, my water. Is it hot?

Debrisless water. Yeah. Okay, if you're on a date, and then he pays, and you don't like the thing, and you don't eat— If you have one drink, and you— Do guys feel offended? Or girls? Like, I don't want to gender it,

because then we're, like, making it so hetero. Are they offended? I am not. I haven't thought about this. I don't, it's because I don't live my life like that. I'm pretty wasteful. I'm very wasteful, actually. I want that to be a New Year's resolution,

but the other thing is, I do wish we had cameras. That is a New Year's resolution and like immediate growl. But I can't. And the reason I can't is because I do prioritize other things over that. One, I'm not going to choose discomfort over waste. So I'm not going to drink that whole thing not to be wasteful when I'll feel sick at the end of it. But I still want to be able to indulge the way I want to.

And so I do. Maybe that's bad, but it is the way I go about life. Like I feel fine, like having a small amount of a thing and then being done with it. Yeah. I can like hear the comments of people being like, I'm so entitled or whatever, or like, I don't care about money. But I'm really happy that I live like that because I'm pretty good at moderation.

And I think that's why. I'm not so stressed out about the choice because I don't have to finish it. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. I also feel that you're not like, like I've been around people who, I don't even know if wasteful is really the term, but they, it's, is it opulence or like just, you know, who buy a lot and it doesn't matter if it, like, I remember, whatever, I was on this date, this was so many years ago, but yeah, we've ate and then, and he was very much like this, like a very showy or he needs to do big things and grand gestures and spend.

And, but he was also very sweet and that wasn't his whole personality, but that's definitely how he like showed affection. So anyway, whatever, we have food and then he's like, let's have dessert. And I was like, oh my God, I'm so full. I can't. And he's like, okay, if you could just have one bite of any dessert, which one would it be? And then I named like three, like this one looks kind of good.

And like this one, but then I was like, no, but I'm not just gonna have one bite. That's silly. And then he ordered all three to have one bite. And to me, that is- Crazy. Yes, I feel, well, not crazy. Obviously you can do whatever you want,

but that's wrong to me. That's like, you don't care. Is it like, cause like when our parents would say like they're starving children, like that's what's wrong with it? Like what's actually wrong with it? I want to break it down. Let's break it down. My parents wouldn't be the starving children in Africa people. Those were the lunch ladies would say that to us. But my parents, and they still are like this. I am to them a wasteful New Yorker to go cups for my coffee. And to them, that's outrageous.

My family, I think it's a core value. And it goes beyond probably what you can imagine. I mean, my dad was composting in the 90s. If I threw out an eggshell in the garbage, I would get yelled at. And if I answered anything like, it's gross. I don't want to put it out. I don't want to, you know, I forgot. It's like, I was told I was, you know. Bad. Yeah. What are they saying? Because they're not saying frozen children. In Arendelle. They're not saying hungry children. When they say you're bad,

what is it connected to? Commercialism. Sorry, it's a French word. It's like materialism. But an eggshell is not materialism. I think I'm better than everyone else. That everyone else has a role in making sure that the planet sticks around for as long as possible. And to take care of our environment and take care of our things and each other. It's very like individualist, I think to them are very selfish. And I think there's an element, this is the part that does

for me ring true. Like when I get something that's very, that I feel is expensive or that I'm splurging, I do feel bad because I feel that there are so many people who have so little. Then I'll start doing the math of like, well, if I hadn't bought this pair of shoes, I could have given it to someone that could have made a bigger difference in their life than the shoes made in my life. My parents don't really do that, but that's probably comes from something. So when he orders the three desserts and you're like, that's wrong. What's wrong about it is that we are living in a country where many children literally don't even have like breakfast in the morning.

So we're going to order three expensive desserts so that we can have one bite. The personal gratification of that action is worth the waste. Well, I know what you're going to say. You're going to say, are those three desserts going to go to that homeless person? Are they, you know? Yeah, that's exactly right. Like if you're pairing it as an either or and it's not.

But it is. How? I think that the fact that we don't see our actions as connected to other people is the reason why we continue to live the way that we do and live in such inequality that we do. If we were able to see our actions as more connected, we wouldn't think, well, the homeless, because yeah, there's so many steps to the homeless person getting a house, being able to get into the restaurant, being able to get the dessert. But the reason why that person can't get into the restaurant is partially because of the rampant inequality that puts me in a situation where I can order three desserts and I'm fine,

and someone can't even get one meal. Yes. I hear what you're saying, but there's not a situation where you not getting the dessert. I mean, there is a situation. If you had $100 only and you were like, okay, I could give some of this away or I could buy three desserts

and then you chose three desserts. In that case, of course, there's a finite amount. But my guess is, I don't know who this person is who ordered the three desserts. But if they're a generous person, they probably are giving away also money. Well, I don't know what they're doing.

Whatever. Let's say that person you knew gave a ton of money away or did a lot of philanthropic stuff, would you be okay with it? I think that that would clash with his values. I would think, so you do value equality, but your actions aren't in alignment.

Equality doesn't necessarily mean everyone has, well, I mean, maybe to you it does. To me, it doesn't. To me, equality of opportunity is different than a quality of stuff. I don't think we're ever going to live in a world where every single person has the exact same amount of stuff and the exact same amount of money. And I just don't think that's realistic. Well, I don't want, I don't necessarily even think I want everyone to have the same. And again, I'm very imperfect at this life philosophy.

And that's why I end up feeling mostly guilty all the time. But I just think we should have a lower tolerance for the amount of rampant inequality that we witness and exist in all the time. That's actually the thing. I feel bothered by it. And I guess, yeah, me feeling bothered by it, you could argue like doesn't do anything. But I think if more people were, more things would be done. I think that we do tolerate a certain level of it. We just accept that that's just the way that things are. And I can't. When you think about just how we just opened the tap, we just wasted water.

I know. And there are people who just can't. Like, do you ever think about it? Like, that boggles my mind. Yeah, we just did a fact check where we were looking at deaths by diarrhea. It's so high. Of course, not in this country, but in other countries where they don't have clean water, which is a lot. It's like, I think 1.7 million deaths. It's startling. But me feeling guilty doesn't change it. You can contribute stuff to change a thing, but the guilt will not do it.

If the eight guys who have 90% of the money right now felt more guilty, we wouldn't have the level of inequality that we have. But I don't know that that's fair or true. It's like Bill Gates is. He has so many initiatives to literally figure out diarrhea. Like when you watch his talk, it's impossible not to laugh

at the amount of times he says diarrhea. And people are putting money towards it. It's not a quick fix. It's not like because we don't have diarrhea, they won't have it if we just do some money. Like it's a different, fully different infrastructure. I think it's a little, what's the word? I feel like it's a little.

Do you think it's simplistic? I don't know that it's a little, what's the word? I feel like it's a little. Do you think it's simplistic? I don't know that it's simplistic, but this is going to sound really bad. And I don't think it's the right word. But there's something a little bit self-indulgent about constantly living in the world is bad. Because you're just walking around like the world is bad and it's upsetting and it's upsetting me and I'm upset. It almost becomes about not you, Liz, but this in general, this like, again, kind of like if we're making it race,

like white tears a little bit. It's like, that's not helping anything. There are things to do that can help, but you crying about it is actually not the thing. And that is sort of how I feel about a lot of things. Isn't the three desserts literally not like an action? Because I'm not saying like- But it's not an action that has a direct consequence. You're saying it's a frame of mind. Well, the three desserts is like on the scale of actions that you're taking in your daily

life might be, yeah, a sort of smaller action. But if that's paired, if that's, I'm not saying just be sad and then order three desserts and waste all your money and be like, oh my God, it's so sad that the world is unequal. But if you're taking many actions in order to try and at least correct that inequality, I don't think that that's self-indulgent. I think it's noticing something that's making you uncomfortable and something that you don't like and trying to change it. I'll get really upset because I don't feel like

I can really make a difference. And I think the three desserts makes me feel like at least there's something I can, yeah, I can't march over to Congress and like make them change tax laws and get rid of all the lobbyists and the people who really actually run

our government. But I can do things in my daily life that at least, I think it's that, you know? Yeah, I do understand it. I just think it's, I worry a little bit that if you ask people not to indulge in their own life because of other people framing it as an either or I don't think is smart. People will pick themselves every time. And so if you say it's not either or, you can have three desserts and you can help give, pay attention to what's going on, vote for the things that make everything more equal. If there's a prop that says you can only order one dessert at dinner and that means the extra desserts are going to go to unhoused people,

yes, vote for that. But I think telling people that things that make them feel good or happy or splurge comes at a cost, I just don't think it's helpful. Yeah. Because they won't. And then they'll be like, fuck that.

I'm not looking at that ever. I don't care. I work hard. I this, this, this, this, this. Depends. I mean, we're humans. Like we do that. We are supported by AG1.

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because again, you want to get the really fancy, luxurious things, but you're saving so much money so you can buy. People just will think you're just getting them. Splurging on them. Splurging on them, but you're saving so much money so you can buy. People just will think you're just getting them. Spurging on them. Spurging on them,

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Because it's really soft and it just makes my room look fancy. Get affordable luxury for everyone on your list with Quince. Go to quince.com slash sync for free shipping on your order and 365 day returns. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E.com slash sync to get free shipping and 365 day returns. quince.com slash sync. What I'm seeing is a lot of similar to what you're talking about, which is a lot of people who are upset and annoyed with the state of the world. And my impulse is to try and help people

see that they can be part of the solution. But I'm not telling people like, don't, like, don't, you know, take away basic things that you need and want. But yeah, like, I mean, this is something I think about all the time because I struggle with it a lot. And if I struggle with it, I, you know, often what you struggle with is often what, you know, other people struggle with too. And I'm like,

there's just so much to be upset about. And you don't want people to disengage, whether it's with spending or even politically, right? And just be like, well, then I won't vote and I won't, you know. But yeah, how do you manage? Yeah, I feel like it's emotional.

It's like management of emotion. It is. I do think anytime there's even a remote strand of shame, people can't handle it. People cannot handle feeling shame. So every time that gets injected in a conversation, you've lost. It's over. You're done. And so I just think practically, it's just not a smart. Yeah. And when you don't see the effects of your actions, I think that that's also the frustrating thing. Like I feel that even with like recycling and sometimes I'll feel it in myself. I'll be like, whatever. Like I won't recycle this thing because like what's the point? And that's when I go, oh no, this is, you know, not only may not

recycle, but then I'm like hopeless and I think nothing matters. But also I don't kind of blame people. Well, also though, when you do start doing research on all of this stuff, it gets really fucked up. And then you are like, does anything matter? Because actually, yeah, it's true that that bottle is not getting recycled the way you think it is. When we had Trevor Noah on Armchair, he said some, he was like, people get blamed for things like not recycling or not, or like the way they engage on social media. And he was like, it's the institutions that we have to blame and hold accountable and like vote in a way that creates more accountability there.

Because we can't be like, you're bad because you didn't recycle. No, it's a problem with our systems that are making a person in charge of this. And then it is not getting recycled. Right. I don't know. It's complicated. We started at blueberry.

I know. We went, and just after saying like, this is, we're just talking about nothing we get into the most. That's what we do. That's what we do.

That's what we do. We should go back to blueberry, vanilla coffees. Well, yeah. I mean, but look at where we got from there. That's right. We went light.

We went deep. Okay, wait. What did I have a pen in? Oh my got from there. That's right. We went light. We went deep. Okay, wait. What did I have a pin in? Oh my God, your chicken. Okay. Tell everyone about your chicken. We went to Craig's. And that day my doctor broke the news to me

that I have to start eating meat or else I'm gonna die. You're not getting enough protein. I'm not. Yes. All I eat is soy. All I eat is tofu. And apparently I'm like allergic to it. I have going to die. You're not getting enough protein. I'm not. Yes. All I eat is soy. All I eat is tofu. And apparently, I'm like allergic to it.

I have to eat meat. It's really hard. But I did it with you because we can do hard things. We always do hard things together. True. We had a great waitress who helped us out with a lot of… She was so good and helpful. Yeah.

She gave us a lot of options. And we landed on the whole chicken, which feels counter maybe to things, but I did eat Charlie's chicken at Fourth of July. And so that made me think maybe chicken is something I can get into. And there were a lot of fries. We asked for mayo and I ate.

You ate a really small amount. But you did eat some. I did. I got it down. And you helped me through it. And have there been more encounters with meat since? So, okay. First of all, I brought home the chicken. Yeah.

And I cut in little pieces to put it into stuff. Yeah. And then I did put it into a salad. But I, it's like I'm a toddler. Or not a toddler. But you know when you're a kid and like you have to finish your whatever and you… It's like death. That's what it feels like. So keeping it down and swallowing, like I have to like pitch my nose and sing a song.

It's really bad. But then I ordered pizza and I was like, I'm going to order chicken on the pizza. I'm going to try that because I love pizza. But you also don't eat cheese. I don't, but they had vegan cheese. They had gluten-free. But I thought you just didn't like cheese. I don't like cheese, but I also can't eat dairy.

Right, but before even that dairy thing, you didn't eat cheese. I know. There's just, I wish, I'm so picky. So I ordered pizza, I ordered pizza. And then it came and I was eating a few bites and I was like, okay, I can do this. But then I started realizing that under the tomatoes, there was pepperoni that I didn't anticipate. And so then I got really, it's definitely mental. Like it's definitely mental. Then I felt very nauseous. And so I gave the rest to my roommate. And then I couldn't really eat any more of the pizza.

So I don't know. I googled, can I eat meat without chewing it? Like, will I still get the nutrients? And you don't. Or it's just not. And then I thought I could blend it, make some sort of drinking. That is so disgusting. I wish I could drink meat.

I wish there was like, or a pill. Can you do like animal protein powder? I'm doing one of those bovine thing. Like that was one of the things my doctor. Yeah. But also you can just get animal whey protein powder. That has dairy. I think it has dairy.

Whey? Yeah. Hmm. Maybe. So I'm working on it. I'm working on my meat. Stay tuned. Yeah.

You're going to keep at it. There's a meal in Quebec called hot chicken. It's hot chicken, but we say it that way. Hot chicken? Or a chicken. And that I feel could be my gateway. It's two pieces of bread, a bunch of old like leftover chicken slapped together and just pile of gravy and green peas on top of it. Oh. Is it hot? It is hot. Oh. Hot chicken. Right. It's like just spiced?

No. Why is it hot? You mean hot temperature wise? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, okay. It's like a hot chicken sandwich with a bunch of like dripping in gravy. You know gravy has gluten. Fuck.

I mean, the other thing is, I mean, I know like you have. Yeah, no, it's rough around here. I wake up in the mornings and I have nothing to look forward to. I'm like. Exactly, right? It's like when we had Emily Oster on Race to 35 and we were like, we can't do anything while we're doing this egg freezing. And she was like, well, yeah, you have to do a cost benefit analysis.

Yeah, having one glass of wine might have a teeny bit of an effect. She was like, but it probably won't, but it could. But if it's reducing your stress or if you have so much stress around not having it, you're doing way worse. That's right.

So this diet stuff is tricky because you're also just so stressed about the diet. I am. None of this can work or it can help. I wish there was a drink that, you know, like in the— This is how men think, which I never related to until this moment. So many men, food doesn't mean anything to them. They're like, I wish I could just take a pill and not eat.

Like, have you had guys tell you that? I haven't so many men tell me this. It blows my mind every time because I'm like, food is the best part of the day. Once you're finished your meal, you're already thinking, planning for your next one, and that's what gets you through the day. But no, a lot of men just see it as like a thing they just have to do, or like a fully non-pleasurable activity. I've now migrated to that camp. I wish there was just something so that I didn't have to think about it. Because when you have a

lot of health issues, I'm sure so many people who are listening do, it becomes a math calculation every time, and especially if you're not at home or... So I'm working through it. And hot chicken, I'll find gluten-free bread. I'll find gluten-free gravy. And I'll just eat that for the rest of my life. That was my 14-year-old self-dream. That sounds good. Sounds yummy. We have hot chicken here, but it's hot flavored. It's spicy. Oh, hot chicken. Like it's a... Yeah, it's a thing. Like you can get Nashville hot chicken at places. It's a thing to get hot chicken. Oh.

So it's spicy. It's not a sandwich. It's not a sandwich. You can get it on a sandwich. The whole point, it's not hot temperature wise. It's hot spicy. Okay. Well, I don't know why we call it.

I mean, whoever, you know. Sounds good though. It is yummy. It's a classic. Okay. So let's do a couple of questions. Yeah. Last couple of questions of 2023. Oh, let's do a couple questions. Yeah. Last couple questions of 2023.

Oh, let's make it count. 70-year-old lonely man wants to be my friend. I'm 21. I love this already. This is from Callie. I've been working at a cafe for almost two years and have developed relationships with many regulars. One in particular is a 70-ish year old man

who is very lonely. I know he lives alone and doesn't have any family or seem to have friends. He's completely just a sweet, innocent old man. When I started serving at a different restaurant, I told all my regulars to come visit me. But when this particular regular came in, we started to chat and he asked

if I would like to do something together. And I didn't know what to say, so I gave him my number. Such a Liz thing to do. I immediately felt a shift after crossing this boundary, and I felt uncomfortable. Even though I'm 99% sure there's nothing sexual about the relationship, he knows I'm in a relationship.

I don't know what to do because my heart wrenches for him, and thinking about hurting his feelings makes me nauseous, but my gut also feels weird about starting a personal relationship. Help, I need the sync squad's guidance. Oh, no. I relate to this so hard. I gave another person my phone number after fucking four months. What do you mean?

I went to Trader Joe's to get stuff. And this lady started talking to me. It's not men. It's always ladies. What did she talk about? I don't want to talk about it. You have to. And cut this out because people are going to think I'm nuts. it's not men, it's always ladies. What did she talk about? I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to. You have to.

And cut this out because people are going to think I'm nuts. I get immersed in the moment. And I think like, oh my God, this person is so nice and kind. And there's a part of me that just wishes we lived in a world where you just live in community with people. And you're like, oh, you're nice. You're doing cool things. If we didn't live in the age that we did, where we're all live far away from each other and we're all in cars all

the time, you would just run into people. But now it's like, how do you keep in touch? But do you want to? I think in the moment, look, I said, I'll give you my email and then people go to phone number. But all you have to do is say, I'm not comfortable giving out my phone number. Yeah. It's so easy. I am keeping this in because this is important. By the way, and I'll meet you here. I gave someone my phone number. You did this week? No, like a while ago.

She asked though. She asked specifically and she knows my brother, kind of. I ran into this person on the street. She said, oh my gosh, are you Monica? I said, yes. She was like, I know your brother.. She said, oh my gosh, are you Monica? I said, yes. She was like, I know your brother. And she said, how? And I was like, oh my gosh, how cool.

And do you live in the neighborhood? Yeah, I do. I'd love to hang out. Can I get your number? And I gave it and I regretted it. I really did. Because then she texted me. And I'm not going to hang out with her.

I'm sure she's so nice. It's nothing to do with her. It's. And I'm not going to hang out with her. I'm sure she's so nice. Yeah. It's nothing to do with her. It's just, I'm not going to. I'm not. And you're not going to either. You have to be honest with yourself. You don't want to.

I mean, let's look. I have 380 unread texts right now. It's not even a thing of, I don't really care. I'm just, I don't. But there's a reason you have 380 unread texts. Because people are texting you. How many unread texts do you have? I have zero unread texts.

I have zero. People don't text me unless they're in my life actively. I don't do that. Most of these people are in my life, for the record. Okay. You have a lot of people in your life. I don't have the ability to respond to everything that comes at me. And so to me, it's that part. But it doesn't make you a bad person to say,

I don't want to hang out with a stranger. It doesn't make you a bad person. Right. But I feel like in your head it does, which is why you can't even say the words, I don't want to hang out with this person I met at Trader Joe's randomly. it's okay. And in fact, it would be odd if every single person you came across, you were like, sure, I'll like build a relationship with them. That's like, that's not healthy either. You need, we have capacities.

Yes, that's the thing. You have zero unread texts. Zero. I mean, I have 32,000 emails. But I have zero unread texts. I also have 32,000 emails. Emails don't evenread texts. I also have 32,000 emails. Emails don't even count anymore. That's a different…

I don't think… Yeah. I don't think in 2023, if you write someone an email, you might get a response, but no one's obligated to respond to emails. There's too many. Yeah.

I understand. Like, it's sad, especially when it's an older person. It's like, oh, it just like does break your heart. But she has a gut feeling and she needs to listen to it. I worked in bars.

This happened, okay? Yeah. And it is very important that you never hang out with them. Sometimes even regulars will become very entitled to you, even at the bar. Place of work. Yes. And that would happen a lot,

even if I wouldn't cross the… I don't think I ever actually gave my number to like clients or something like that. But I really… Clients. Sorry, it sounds like I'm a, in French we say, yeah, patron. I think we say it differently, but it sounds like I'm, you know. So I had people come in and they feel that they have a special relationship with you. And in some instances they do, right? But they'll demand a lot more of your time and attention. I would be careful not even to really do too much of that. Yeah, you cannot feel that you owe anyone anything at your job. Yes. Okay, I would say this. If he texts you, I mean, at this point, it's too late. You gave the number.

So if he texts, it's fine. If he texts you, you say, why don't you just blame it on your boyfriend? I was going to literally say that. So easy. I blame my imaginary boyfriend all the time. I'm sure your boyfriend also would be fine with it. If you, you know, I'm really sorry. My boyfriend's not comfortable with me. Engaging. Yeah. Looking forward to seeing you next time you're at the blah, blah, blah.

Keep it very minimal. Cordial. Yes. For yourself, because you already feel a little bit uncomfortable, like really honor how you're feeling. Yes. And don't, you could have more of a boundary with this person even than you have before.

I think that's totally acceptable and might actually, again, make your life a little easier. Because even though you're trying to be nice, when the message isn't clear for that person, it actually will only make things harder for them. And that helps me when I feel like, I feel like I'm being mean or something like that.

And I'm like, no, this actually is better for the person. Like me being overtly nice will lead to them having expectations that won't get met. And that actually is the less kind thing to do. Yeah, totally. I just want everyone to get a little bit more comfortable and practice because it never feels good in the moment, but it feels immediately good once you've said, I'm sorry, I can't, or I'm sorry, I don't feel comfortable doing this. You will feel so good about yourself for sticking up for yourself. And also most of the time, the other person like really respects you knowing yourself and sticking up for yourself and having a boundary, especially in the workplace, that's been studied that when people put up boundaries, they actually get more respect. Of course.

From their bosses and peers and stuff. So it's just really important to practice. And but of course, she's just trying to be nice. But yeah, I think when he texts you, you either blame it on the boyfriend or you say, I'm so sorry. I should have done this earlier. I'm just not comfortable engaging via text. But I look forward to seeing you at blah, blah, blah. And even don't blame the boyfriend. You can blame it on work and say like, it actually crossed the boundary for me to take your, I shouldn't have done it. And even again, put it on you like, oh, I apologize. I shouldn't have given you my number. Looking forward to the next blah, blah, blah. Yeah. But you end it with like a positive of like, you're still going to be friendly, but. Exactly. It'll feel great. You're right. That in

the moment, it feels like the most terrifying thing in the world. Because I found that if I don't do it, even if I think, oh, it's fine, I'm just going to avoid it or I'm just going to, you're just carrying it around. Exactly. And then you have, you'll feel icky and in a personal relationship, if this is happening, you'll feel resentful. It's like the boundaries are there to protect everyone. And mainly to protect the relationship. Yes, that's true. 21.

She's so young. If it was, because also this can happen, right? Like I've been in situations where I've joined a group, like this volunteering thing. And one of the people there, we did have a special friendship. We did see each other outside of that and we're still friends, but it didn't feel wrong in my body. Exactly. Right. And the

fact that you're immediately like, oop, that's all you need to Way. Way is really important because as we've talked about, our hair is our asset. Our hair is our only asset. It's the only one we have. And that's why we have to invest in it and make sure that it's healthy and really soft. You don't just want hair products that make your hair look good. You want hair products that make your hair more healthy. Yes. And that's where OUAI, it's just, it hits the spot in every way.

Not only will, oh my God, every way. Every way. No pun intended. I really love their leave-in conditioner. I always go to sleep with my hair all like tangled up. So if you just like spritz in the leave-in conditioner, it helps with the frizz and the breakage and it's good for all hair types.

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Anonymous. Hi, ladies. I've been with my boyfriend for almost three years. Recently, one of his best friends cheated on his wife. Recently, one of his best friends cheated on his wife. They got married last year. My boyfriend was in the wedding, and we regularly grab dinner or have game nights with them. Her and I aren't that close. We only ever hang out when it's the

four of us, but she's a great person and we get along. My boyfriend and I sort of both got dragged into it early on when my boyfriend's friend came over to talk about his new girlfriend before he told his wife. Then his wife came over after to talk to me about it. She was devastated and I had to not divulge too much information even though I knew the other side. Since the initial cheating, not even a month ago, they have separated

and he has started fully dating this other woman, the one he cheated on her with pretty heavily. Within the friend group, which started with the boys growing up together and us girls

are all kind of add-ons or add-ins, no one seems to be that upset with him for cheating on his wife and now bringing around a new girl in less than a month. Jokes are made at his expense. Everyone laughs and it just kind of gets brushed off. But for some reason, I can't do that. Morally, I know what's wrong. She's a

good person and she's hurting and I would be too if I was in her shoes. Because he was in the friend group first before her, I know he will stick around and she won't. But I just can't get over the fact that no one is upset about this. The other woman who knew he was married has already been invited to an event later this month, and they go out to dinner publicly in our not giant but not super small town. When he comes to our house, he's always texting and smiling at his phone and taking videos of what we're all doing to share with her. And I just don't want to be a part of it. When he's around, he shows no remorse and justifies his actions, and it irks me.

I know cheating isn't the end of the world, but I can't stop obsessing over their upcoming divorce and i think my boyfriend is getting annoyed with me it's not my place to reach out to his ex-wife and see how she's doing that would be adding drama to the situation nor is it my place to tell my boyfriend his friend can't be around but i hurt for her because she's a human being and i know she was devastated and i just don't like that he's being cruel and everyone acting like they're fine with it to his face it's not my, so really none of my business. But I guess I would hope people would stand up for what's right for me. Am I obsessing over something that is 100% not my business or is it normal to hold on to compassion and hurt for

someone in a tough situation, regardless what they mean to you and want justice on their behalf? Thanks, ladies. I love the show. I relate so much to these questions. Yeah, these are great. I have a thought. Yeah. The reason you're so activated is because you're worried that if that happened to you, no one would have your back. No one would be there for you. And I can relate to that too. This thing happened to me and why is everyone just okay with it? And nobody is saying anything or sticking up for me. And it's not, this is gonna sound so brutal and harsh, it's not about you. And so you can have relationships with whoever you want.

You don't personally have to hang out with them if you don't want, but you can't set a boundary for anyone else. You can't tell your boyfriend to not hang out with them. You can't tell your other friends to be mad. I know from experience, it's really unhealthy because they won't. They're their own people.

They have their own opinions and feelings that you can't control and have nothing to do with you. And trying to will make you go crazy and make you obsess, which is where you're at. So it's really separating yourself from the situation. I like totally disagree. But I think you're right. But I understand entirely. I relate to that feeling. I've never been in that. I'm trying to think if I've been in that exact situation. Probably not.

There's probably some projection. But to me, it's that like she has values and this is not aligning with her values. But she is not living it. Yes, but she's friends with all these people. I fully understand why this could be wrong to feel upset on behalf of a woman that you hardly know and not know the full extent of the situation. I think that we make a lot of assumptions around cheating.

But the fact that he has no remorse and he thinks that everything's okay and he didn't do anything wrong. Yeah, that would bother me because it's like, oh, I value honesty and things that aren't being respected. And so am I really friends with these people? Is my boyfriend also aligned with what I thought he would be aligned with? I think it's, to me, it is less about this guy and more about probably her and her feelings about it and probably with her boyfriend. Not to like analyze her, but I wonder if her boyfriend was more upset and was feeling the same way that she was feeling, maybe this wouldn't be as bad. Totally. But that's what I mean. You can't control the way other people are handling a situation.

She can say, I don't like this person. I don't like the way he acts. That's all she can do. And I think to then place your own values on other people. Well, she's not placing her own values. It's like if you're with a group of friends and they all start hunting and you're like, wait, I don't think hunting is good. And all of a sudden they're all doing something

that doesn't fit with you. I think that's also, it's okay to have those feelings, right? And to be confused by that and to want to know, is it that we were on completely different pages? Again, I don't think she's trying to control. I think she's trying to make sense of her discomfort. I don't think she's trying to control. I'm trying to give her a solution, which is if you want to stay friends with all these people, that's the question you need to ask yourself. Like, if the answer is yes, you just have to accept whatever people's values are. Or it's no, you can talk through things. It's not like I think you can work through things, right? And I think this also seems like it's like her boyfriend's friend group. So I think that complicates it.

Of course, you can talk things through. But I think if you're ever in a position where you're trying to convince someone else that they should be upset about something that you're upset about, that's not healthy. Trying to convince someone to be upset about something doesn't go well ever because they're not. And then again, sort of back to the original thing we were talking about earlier, then they feel shamed. Like, oh, you think I'm bad because I don't feel the way you feel. And people have different feelings on these things. And I think this is for her to work out. To incorporate the other people is not going to get her the result, which is that everyone's now upset. Well, they might not be upset, but they could explain. So she so she's either like loses all her friends or she stops being upset.

Well, being upset over something you can't change is... No, but it's then you have a conversation about it. Again, I'm putting myself in her shoes. And like, if my boyfriend is feeling very differently about something, I would want to talk about it with him and try and, you know, not make him upset, but try and understand where he's coming from. My discomfort with the situation, like not go like, you should be upset, but be like, I'm really uncomfortable. I find it really hard to hang out with everybody when this is happening.

Can we work through this? Or can you help me understand? Because I can't make sense of the situation and I'm having trouble with it. And maybe again, through talking about it, maybe she'll realize that everyone is upset or everyone knows something that she doesn't know that's like, actually she cheated on him too. So that's why it's like, I don't know. But I feel that just leaving her to feel, you know, her feelings in isolation from everybody and just either stop talking to all of them or stop feeling what she's feeling is like a bad place to put her in. no? Their feelings on a third party situation are affecting her. She can only take care of her own feelings

and they're tied to these other people's feelings. And so that is entanglement. I do think you're right that she should have a conversation with her boyfriend because that I think is where a lot of this stems. So there's probably a lot of fear. Yeah. And she can just say, hey, I want to talk to you about this.

I'm scared based on your reaction to this. Like if it happened to me, you would behave that way. And that makes me feel really sad and uncomfortable. And have that conversation, a vulnerable conversation about your fear around this with the person that you've committed to. Anytime someone cheats who's in your circle, it causes fear for everyone. Everything immediately becomes destabilized

and you start seeing life as scary. It's like, oh my God, this could happen at any moment. And I thought they were so happy. And we were just at the wedding only a year ago. And now here we are. And how could this happen? And could this happen to me? Understanding that that's actually what's happening

and then trying to figure that out in your own partnership, I think is the only way you will feel better. If you felt better just because everyone else was like, oh yeah, you're right. This is really bad. We shouldn't be friends with him anymore. That's not real. They have different opinions on it. And I think your point is right. It stirs up a lot of feelings and a lot of fears. And yeah, she can have that conversation in order to stay in the group or yeah, spend less time in the group if that's what she wants to do. Totally. Yeah. If it's like every time you're there, you're like, oh, I don't like this, then that's something real. You don't have to be there. That's a really hard

situation. And when bombs go off in groups, it's always a hard thing to deal with. But thank you for writing in. And I think a lot of people can probably relate. Should we do one more since it's last of the year? Yeah. Okay. Well, do you want to go out on an intense… Maybe like a happy one?

I don't know. I don't really want any happy ones. Yeah, people don't really write in when they're having a great day. Okay, we're going to go here. How to feel about being ghosted after abortion. Hi, Monica and Liz. I met a guy who travels with the pro team, but not an athlete, so lives in another city. We never technically dated, but went out when he was in town multiple times

and also chatted on and off when he wasn't in town. Vibes were always amazing. However, on our last hookup, I wound up pregnant. We decided to terminate the pregnancy. I knew it wasn't right to keep a baby just because I wanted a relationship with the guy, and he wasn't ready for a kid. I ended up going through the whole process alone since he lived in another city. He would check in, and we had a few calls during that time. I felt we were getting closer because of the shared experience. He kept saying how appreciative he was of how I was handling the

situation that he owed me big time, like a steak dinner the next time we would see each other. I guess I got my hopes up. After it was all said and done, after the termination, he got really distant. Eventually, when he was coming to my city again, I reached out to see if he wanted to meet. He ghosted me. He would keep checking my stories, but ghosted me again when I followed up. I'm so hurt by it all because the whole experience was so traumatic as I ended up having complications a month later.

It was the second most distressing event in my life and this person never had to bear any repercussions physically or emotionally. I feel alone, hurt, and finding it hard to let go of someone who was part of such a monumental time of my adult life. It's hard to talk about with anyone because of the delicate situation that came before it.

I did decide to remove him from my life, unfollow, remove on social media, etc., which was a huge step for me to accomplish, but I'm finding it extremely hard to open up myself to dating anyone or even being physical at all. I have yet to have sex again, and it's been nearly a year since the hookup that led to the termination. Do you have any advice on how to move forward with this? I met a nice guy and I don't know if I should tell him why I'm so slow to get physical. Also, any advice on moving past someone that decided they don't want to be in your life anymore? Thanks so much. Appreciate your love and help because this has been weighing on me for so long and yes, I'm already in therapy.

I'm already in therapy. Okay, well, that's good. Oh, man, so tough. It's so hard to be a woman. Yeah. It's just, we bear so much and so many of the consequences. There's a huge biological inequality when it comes to like mating, right? And just having sex.

My first initial, if you were my friend, I would just be like, Venmo him for the abortion. That's what I would tell you to do. And you don't talk about whether the financials were even split or I think in many cases, the guy should pay for the abortion because you have to go through the emotional, physical, all of the consequences. So the least they can do is actually pay. And many men have paid for abortions. I have a sneaking suspicion that many men in Congress who pass anti-abortion laws have paid for many abortions. It's very enraging to live in the world that we live in and to feel that your collateral damage in that. First of all, I think it's great that you're in therapy.

If I were your friend, I would ask you like, what's the story you're telling yourself? Because my sense is that the story that you're telling yourself is one that is wrapped in your self-worth or something that you did or something that you did wrong. And that's why he quote unquote doesn't want to be in your life. Thank God. Oh my God. He doesn't want to quote unquote.

Dodge a bullet. Yeah, dodge a bullet. Even though you may not feel this way right now, guaranteed that a few months or a few years from now, you're going to look back and just be so thankful that the trash took out itself, so to speak. And I would encourage you with your therapist, hopefully this is something you're working on,

to create a different story for yourself. Because the story that you're telling yourself right now is not helpful and it's also probably not true. For sure. And giving him so much power. Exactly. That he gets to choose if he's in your life. Looking at your stories but not texting you, like this guy's a child. Like this guy is not a man. Sometimes I feel like women will say that to each other and it can just make you feel worse because you're like, but like, I like this guy who treats me, you know, badly, but you probably see the best in him. You probably see the best in people and that's why you see his potential, but this man is not meeting his potential in any way. You're living in what could have been, but he showed you what

was going to be, which was going to be bad because Yeah. Because he's not capable of being there for you in the way that you need in a partner. So he showed you what the future was. So instead of like, oh, but it could have been so great. You already have the answer that he couldn't be that. This is why we need the right to abortion. This is a literal case, right? Having an abortion and the entire process, especially in the climate that we're in. I don't know what state she's in, right? There's so many things that you're a fucking badass.

This is why we need the right to abortion. This is why we need to preserve that, right? Because there are so many men who are not ready to be fathers or will never be ready to be fathers. Women shouldn't have to bear the brunt. I also, you definitely don't have to tell the new person why you don't want to be physical unless you feel like you want to. But don't feel pressured into that. You can just say, I just need to take this really slow. And you don't have to give any explanations. Yeah.

You took such a brave and amazing and important decision for yourself and for your well-being and for the rest of your life. I feel like I want her to really live in that. And yeah, I would bring it up if you want to. It's very sensitive. So I would share it only if you feel safe to. Like you feel that that person can receive that information.

So I think you should really trust a person before you want to share it or before you do share it. And then sharing that and hearing the reaction from whoever, if you really like them, will also give you information, ton of information about that person. Yeah. All right. Well, I think that is going to be it. We will be gone for a week and I hope everyone has a wonderful holiday season. Try not to let the gloom get you. Make the cookies. Do the fun stuff.

Go get fun drinks. Like you have more agency than you think in how you feel. So you can make it festive. Or you can just lay. Or just watch Netflix. Do whatever. And rest and read books. It can look like

whatever you want it to look like. I remember last year, like Be Real. You probably don't know what that is. Oh, the app. Yeah. It had a moment last year and some people might still be using it.

But it's very much like in the moment where you get prompted and you have to take a photo. You can't, there's no filters. There's no, you know, oh, I'll wait until I'm doing something really amazing. And I remember seeing just the contrast between the Instagram posts of holidays and then the Be Reels,

which was like, everyone's just watching TV. Like everyone's posting like these amazing and you're making up a whole idea of how other people's holidays going based on their Instagram posts. But their be real is like, everyone's just watching holiday movies and like in their pajamas.

I'm going to put out that I want people to enjoy this time. Whatever that means to you, enjoy this time. And we will see you in 2024. 2024 is a very pleasing number. It sounds good. It feels synced. It does. Two plus two, four. Exactly. 2024. Yeah. It's going to be good. Yeah. All right. Love you. Bye.