Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: The B.E.D.

Episode Date: May 1, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz are out of sync. Liz pitches candidates for the ‘double man plan’, Monica learns the Heimlich maneuver, and a special guest joins to discuss murder. They answer listener questions on sobriety induced friendship shifts and whether to confront a partner with a new laugh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I panicked last night. What'd you panic about? The double date, the turnaround. Did you deliver? I think I have a few options for you. Oh, this is incredible. Okay. I think I have a few options for you. Oh, this is incredible. Okay, so for the listener, this is BTS.

We had a really fast turnover for last week's episode. So actually we're recording this just a few days after we recorded last week's. So Liz only had a couple days to make magic happen. I tried to redownload Hinge and like I'm logged out. So honestly, Universe is probably like no. Yeah, because that's not the route I want. Well, I was desperate. I obviously don't want it to be all dating apps,

but last night it dawned on me. I was like, I got to put in some work. Oh, this is great. So it's not my favorite. Yeah, it's not my ideal because I would typically put 10 to 14 hours into this, but I had less time. So I just did a lot of reach outs. Okay.

And some of them are no longer in LA. How desperate did you get? I did ask friends that already set me up or don't tend to set me up. I did one reach out just so you know. Yeah, it didn't pan out. That would be the plot twist. I know.

Is that you are the, oh my God. I hope I don't do a terrible job that that's what happens. But there was one matchmaking, Heather's boyfriend has set me up a few times and he had talked about this guy and I'd gotten like a bad LinkedIn screenshot, but I wasn't like insistent around it. And so I circled back and now it's happening.

I'm obviously going to make it conditional on him bringing a friend. Oh my god. But he seems cute. Okay, tell me a little bit about him. He might be in finance. I don't know. What's the age range? Usually the age range is in the forties.

Okay, I like this. So an older gentleman, and usually he sets me up, honestly, they're like solid. One of the guys that he set me up with lives in New York and I would have done a run, a turn around. What do we call that? Coming back to a person. We should give that a name. A return. A great return.

A return purchase? A return purchase. I don't know. I mean, return purchase is funny. Oh, my God. You would do that? I would do that for you. And he's great, but again, if this was a New York episode,

no problem. I would have 10 people. LA's a little tougher, and anyone who's dated in LA knows. It's rough. So I have that guy, I do have a person from a dating app who's 50, I know a little higher up than we wanna go, but seems very cool and interesting and he's cute. And what's his job-ish? What's the...

Industry? Industry, yeah. Question. I know. This is not how I would want things to go. I take this very seriously, you know, and I'm... Oh wait, I have a third one that I'm actually excited. Oh wait, I have a fourth one too. So, this is me with like no time. Okay, first of all, he lives in Malibu, which like signifies a certain level. Oh, no, but also way too far away. That's like New York.

It is. But remember what we're doing. This one is for you. This person we're picking is free. No, this is for you. I wouldn't... Wait, what? No, the whole point is that you're picking a person for you

and then he's bringing a friend. But to be TBH, I wouldn't be actively pursuing these people. We need to pick people, the whole point is- Well, I think this is good because sometimes the people that I really wanna go on dates with are kind of toxic and the ones that I'm like, whatever, they can be healthier. So I think this is good.

Then this goes back to what I just said. So we're picking a person for you and then you will tell them, bring a single friend. And then this goes back to what I just said. So we're picking a person for you. Yeah. And then you will tell them, bring a single friend. Yes. So that guy's an entrepreneur. Seems like we would honestly have a good night. And then there's this like Danish guy.

We have a few friends in common. Someone I kind of had a thing with, but I think he teaches him tennis, so it's not like they're friends. Okay. It's weird. And he's a tennis coach slash therapist. So... Whoa. Hold on. Which feels super great for us because that's kind of two of our core goals for the summer.

Tennis. Well, it was last summer. This would accomplish a lot of things for us. If we all go on a date together, we can't then take tennis from him if we don't like him. It could be tennis. It could be a tennis date. Oh my god, this would be my dream. It would be a doubles game. You and your date and me and my date. We don't know tennis yet. He's a tennis coach, so he'll teach us. We'll get a free lesson.

Oh boy. You're adding a lot of layers onto an already complex sitch. I think we need to keep this first day dinner... Normal. Okay. Easy. But if we want to pick him, then maybe we could move on to tennis if we like him. But then it's like, if the date is bad, at least we learn tennis. I don't think we're going to learn tennis in one day, just FYI. I also think, how will it be a date if we are just playing tennis the whole time?

Because that's the ideal date. You're not focused on the date, you're focused on the third thing. That's my whole theory about dates. The worst dates are the one where you're like, I only have me to talk about. Whereas like, oh, we're playing tennis, we're engaging on a third thing that has nothing to do with either of us. And you're getting to know how they play, how they are in BED. Like, you're seeing...

Excuse me? No one in the whole world should judge how I am in the BED based on tennis, that I don't know how to play. Absolutely not. We should post videos of you playing tennis. Yeah, I don't know how to play. That's the whole point of why you need to take a real lesson. But maybe once you have this, you know...

I feel so stressed out by you today. My God. But for guys in sports, I mean, if you don't know how to play sports, that's fine. But when he knows how to play well, you're like, all right. It gives you a sense of how they're gonna be in the bedroom. Oh, my God. Okay.

Is there anything that you, in the bedroom. Oh my god. Okay. Is there anything that you, in the wild, seeing a man do that has nothing to do with intimacy or sex? Sure. That when you see them do that, you're like, you're probably great. In bed. Yeah. That's a great question. I guess to me, if someone's showing confidence in any way,

I sort of translate that over. I think, oh, they're probably confident because they know what they're doing. There's a lot of ways, I guess, to show that. I'm trying to think what's a good example. Well, the way that a man walks or enters a room. I mean more in the way they're treating other people. Like, if they have to one up,

I generally think that person's actually insecure. Right. What about, have you seen the guys doing cooking videos online? Like Ryan's video? No, the opposite. Oh, they're like really good at it? It's very titillating.

They'll like slap the salmon and then like spit a little bit on the... Like, oh my God, we're so different. Do you know what I'm talking about? Okay, we're gonna. You're a fail. I don't know what's happening today. I feel.

We're not synced. We're not synced today. It's okay, that's gonna happen. But listen, hold on. This is really important. I kinda know what you mean, okay? Because I do think a man who knows how to cook is hot. But I also have the other thing where I think certain men

who think they're great at cooking or who are on these videos spitting on stuff and whatever, that is such a turnoff. They are trying so hard. There's a lot of arrogance in the chef-wing world. Because you know, I'm an Alison Roman gal. She sometimes will say things like, oh, men who cook love this.

And it's always pretentious and trying. So I'm on her page with that. I think there's two kinds of men and food videos. There are these guys who are intentionally, I mean, it's, I'll show you one of them. It's on purpose. It's so sexual. Like it's, I'll show you one of them. It's on purpose? It's so sexual.

Like, it's almost like the food is just an excuse. You're watching and you're like, how is this legal? Like, this shouldn't be... It's so overt. And then there's some videos of guys who'll be like, oh, I found this recipe, I'm gonna make this sandwich. And they're not trying, but they're so hot like and then all of the comments will be flooded with women being like oh my god and the guy

didn't do it on purpose but the way he's eating the sandwich is like Liz he definitely is doing it on purpose no no no better at it than these no other guys no no no it's it's I'm it's like a send me one right now okay I'll find it I think I saved it I want to live play it. Okay, well we should do a live reaction to you watching both and posting on social. Oh, maybe that's the social. Yes. Okay, okay.

Okay, we'll do that. We'll do that. Where were we? But like I was watching, okay, so you have told me so many times to watch Ocean's Eleven. Oh yeah. And so I decided to watch it last night. I don't know if it's like I'm ovulating

or like something in my cycle, but the amount of shots of Brad Pitt with like something in his mouth. Oh, no, that's the whole, every scene he's eating. And it's hot. Like it's like, he's so hot and he like eating a lot. And I'm like, is this how men feel like those scenes with women and whipped cream and whatever, which I don't get. Or I don't get, I don't, when it's so overt, it's over the top and this is not, obviously,

it's just he's cool and he's like, he's not trying to be sexy, but there's, yeah, I was like feeling a lot of feelings. What a movie, did you like it? I loved it. Isn't it good? It's really good. It holds up.

I didn't finish it. Oh, God. But I'm almost, I know, I have really bad ADD. I don't even know what I started doing. But I'm like halfway through and I really loved it and I will finish it and I thought it was great. It's all the... It's the hottest guys.

Yeah, at their hottest time. They're so good. Okay, two things. One, this leads me to... We talked about this on a fact check, but I'm gonna ask you. This is Callie's first date question and it's really good, okay? She asked people... I got the exact phrasing so I need to figure it out. God, we text a lot.

Okay, she asked people, if you had to participate in an organized crime, what would be your crime of choice? Oh, that feels like a trick question. No, it would say a lot. It will. Well, we should ask our guys this, but also you tell me.

Probably like a chip stealing conspiracy, like stealing a bunch of snacks. I would be down with that. So just like robbing a convenience store? I would want to rob the bad guy, like the big guys. Okay. You want to rob Frito-Lay. Yes. And redistribute to the masses.

Oh God. So you're like robbing, hooding this? No. Okay. Well, And redistribute to the masses. Oh, God. So you're like Robin Hooding this? No. Okay. Well, I'll keep a lot for myself. And it's a purely selfish endeavor. My dream when I was little was for my parents to own a convenience store because then I could have access to chips anytime I want.

I thought about chips a lot. Yeah. We've been through this. We've talked about this. We've definitely talked about it. I don't think we've really gotten deep on it though. Do we need to? I kind of want to.

About chips. Because it's really interesting. What was it specifically about chips? Or what was the moment that you first had a chip? There's home videos of me as a literal toddler where like my dad will be filming my sister on the monkey bars and then he'll be like, Elizabeth!" And then it's like me, somehow, I'm not even walking yet, but I've managed to get to the chip bag

and I'm eating chips. He's upset. He's worried because you'll choke on him. Choke or, I mean, many reasons. Or maybe that's my second bag, you know, and I'm two and a half. And even like random videos, I always have something in my, like I'm always eating.

I'm snacking. Snacking was like a lifestyle, a definite like hobby and safe place for me. I'm snacking. Snacking was like a lifestyle, a definite, like, hobby and safe place for me. I mean, food and particularly snacks became also this, like... Totally. Like, it was my way to, like, go to my happy place. And, like, have control? I think it was happiness and, like, relief.

And me and Kat, one of our first crimes, coming back to crimes, was going to the bodega, basically, like, our version, and lying to our parents about it and saying, like, we're just gonna go to the park and then we went to buy chips. And Kat was candy and, like, I was salty and she was sweet, which was perfect, because we never needed whatever the other... You don't want to share. Yeah, there was never any sharing.

I mean, this is the sad part of, like, I have, like, memories of being in my room alone a lot, and then, like, having a never any sharing. I mean, this is the sad part of like, I have like memories of being in my room alone a lot, and then like having a bag of chips, and then feeling good, but then feeling bad afterwards too. It was this thing I loved, but that I also like loved too much, and I knew I loved it too much. You knew that you had an attachment that was sort of a problem.

Well, a compulsion. That I couldn't stop when I wanted to stop. OK. But chips end. Yes, a compulsion. That I couldn't stop when I wanted to stop. Okay. But chips end. Yes, and that would be heartbreaking. And then I would be like, oh, I'll save some so I have some left and I wouldn't be able to do it. Right.

I mean, again, we've been through this, but I think it's one of the least talked about things that if you grew up with dysfunction, like you have an eating disorder, like most likely, because it's so available to kids as a form of soothing. It's a way to take care of yourself. It's a thing you can do for yourself when there's not that much you can really do. It's nourishment.

Yes. And if you're not getting it in other emotional places, I guess that makes sense. Totally. Did you have an attachment to food or like a certain kind of food? Cookies, I guess. Not really.

I also have to credit my parents a bit. I didn't, I think we talked about this in the last episode where you were saying, were you an ingredients family? Yeah. We were not. We had all the stuff. We had the fruit roll-ups and the dunker. We had it.

That's my memory of it anyway, is there wasn't spare city. You just had dunkeroo's in your house at all times? Not at all times, but we had them and I choked on a Dunkaroo. Oh my God. And it was really dramatic. My mom had to like kind of Heimlich. It came out before she had the full Heimlich. Oh my God.

So that's why you don't have an attachment. Oh, maybe. It turned out to be physically dangerous, which sugar is. Wow. That's why you don't have an attachment. Oh, maybe. They were gained and it was like. It turned out to be physically dangerous, which sugar is. Wow. Yeah. That's so scary. Was it a vanilla one or a chocolate one? Chocolate, I'll never forget.

And I loved them so much. In my head. Were you able to eat them afterwards? Probably. I probably was. Yeah, I still love cookies. But in my head, I choked on like a big chunk of the icing. But that doesn't really make sense.

It would because it fuses or like it would be hard. The icing was hard. And so then it's just a lot, I mean, it checks. Then it's like, yeah, it was full choking. Like you can't make noise. Oh no, Monica. Yeah, it was scary. Every time I think about that,

I am reminded that I need to learn the Heimlich and relearn CPR. Do you want to learn it now? Yeah. Well, you know how to do it to yourself when you're alone, right? That's very important. Because as a single woman.

I think you told me, but I kind of forgot. Okay, so to anyone who's listening, if you are choking and you're alone somewhere, you grab a book, preferably like an Atlas. An Atlas? Sorry, sorry. No one. No one in, oh my God, I'm sorry. No one in the continental United States slash in 2024

has an atlas. Okay, you're right. Like a coffee table book, like something that's just heavy. Heavy, like obviously grab anything that you can or any book that you can, but the larger and the thicker, the better. And you put it right at your, oh, I don't know, plexus, salile.

Oh, you're saying solar plexus. But, okay, do you mean like right under the boob? Under the first rib, basically. I'm not, I'm like, I wanna make sure I get it. Wait, can you Google it? I think you mean sternum. Sternum, yes. I know, but nobody knows where that really is.

So there must be a thing. The breastbone? Do give yourself a hemlock really is so there must be a thing the breastbone do Give yourself a hemlock just so we have like a name slightly above your navel. Okay, that's your belly button Yeah, almost like in the middle of your stomach Okay, okay slightly above your navel and you place the book there and then you run in Direction of the closest I mean a table would be the best. Even a wall will work, right? Because then you're, basically you're creating a force. That pushes it out.

And you do it as many times, right? Like the first time it might not work, but you just keep doing it. Oh! I know, I'm... Do you think about choking all the time? I think about it all the time. Fuck! Supplements?

I have to take so many supplements and every time I do a prayer, I'm like... Alright. Because I take a bunch of pills. Yeah, me too, but I never to take so many supplements and every time I do a prayer I'm like, alright, because I take a bunch of pills. Yeah, me too, but I never think about it with supplements. Oh no, now I'm gonna... Sorry, sorry. This is to use a fist. Really?

Your own fist? Yeah, and then put your hand on it. I think the book is probably better because doing it yourself, you probably can't do it in the same kind of force as you would running into a wall. You want to do a J basically. I mean, if you're doing the hemlock to someone, you put your fist and then the hand over your fist and then you're positioning your fist right above the navel

and then you're doing a J, like going inside of them like a J, right? I see. And you're just doing that as many times. Oh, I hate this conversation. I really don't like it. And if it's a baby, you want to do the... Oh my God.

But if it's a baby, I mean, it's hard to explain actually. Well, you have to now. Okay, okay, okay. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. If it's a baby, you want to, and this is under I think two or three, you want to take the baby and basically put their stomach on your forearm.

Turn them upside down. And you have their cheeks in your hand basically. And you are hitting the middle of their back in sort of a chopping motion, but that's like, what's that? Angled? And you're going pretty hard and that will create enough force. Oh my God.

It's like how many times can you knock on wood? I haven't even knocked at all. I just feel like, please. But now that you know how to do it, it would be great for you to be there because you could save them. No, I don't want to do it. You'd be great at it.

Oh my god, Liz, stop. I get really, because I was a lifeguard, something happens to my brain, which I'm like, I'm not saying I'm the best, but like, I wouldn't expect myself to be good under stress, and particularly that high level stress, but for some reason, I become like mission impossible. I'm like so zeroed in. Yeah, that adds up. That's like when you tried to save the woman. You do get in zones.

In the zones. Yeah, in the zones. So you've had to do it. I've never had to do CPR, knock on wood. Um, sorry. But I've had to intervene, like people drowning. And one time with Kat, with the two girls. They were like drowning each other. Ugh.

Anyway, I don't know. I forget how we got on here. Heimlich. Dunkaroos. Double date. But there was something in between. Your crime. Oh my God.

Yes, the crime. The crime. Yes. And then we'll get back to the double date. So my crime is in Ocean's Lovin'. That's what made me think about this is I want to be part of a big heist where there's multiple people involved. I also really like an art heist.

So I kind of want Ocean's Eleven in the art world. I would watch that movie. I would watch you. I mean, I would want like a live stream camera on you at all times. You would be so good at it. You're very sneaky. I wonder what part would I, who would I be?

And who would you be? In Ocean's Eleven, we have these characters, and they play really different roles. Who do you think you'd be? Man, I really wish I finished it. I'd probably be the manipulative one. They're all manipulative. They're ripping off a casino.

They just have different skills. Like Matt Damon is like a lifter or whatever. Like he can just like quickly steal things from people. George is the mastermind, right? Then Brad is kind of the front man a little bit and logistics. I mean, they're both kind of logistics, but then like Don Cheadle is the ammunition guy or whatever. Then there's the contortionist. That's the initial thought is like,

I'm small so I could fit into small places. But I think I'm probably better served in a face to face manipulation. Me too. I could see you being a kind of contortionist though. Cause you have to jump from this thing. Oh, actually no. Because when you jumped over that hole

and then you didn't land. I would take risks. I am physical. If there was a physical thing, like I can get in the zone and get it done. I kind of think like you could be the amazing Yen. I feel like you are Brad because you could be in charge of everything.

I think I could run logistics. And also like, you're so smart. I was still like, no, you are. Like even in the Dan video, so many people were like, how did Monica know? Like, in the video, you can tell immediately that you knew Dan was lying. And like, it took me, like, an extra couple of seconds.

But like, your face, like, you just have a spidey sense doesn't even begin. You just know stuff, I feel like, before the stuff knows. I agree with you. I think I have a very strong intuition, and I have a strong spidey sense with you. I think I have a very strong intuition and I have a strong Spidey sense about people. I think I can read people and machines, I guess. But you already knew what to do, right?

You were like, oh, he's bullshitting. And then you had already made a plan in like a matter of fractions of a second. I'm best served where I can be overseeing and then diverting. Hey, that person feels not right or he's onto us and we gotta pivot. And then creating a new plan and then everyone's gonna do what you do

and it's gonna work. There's also getaway driver. That's not us, I don't think. You're a good driver. Well, definitely not you. No, God, no. I would be so bad as a getaway driver. Remember when we couldn't remember where you parked

and we went up and down the hill? Oh my god. Oh yeah, driving? No. Support for SYNCT comes from Vegamore. I just got back from a trip and I couldn't fit the Vegamore in my bag. Oh no. Is that why your hair looks bad?

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and select our show in the drop down menu that follows. ["Dance of the Sugar Plum Fairy"] Anywho, okay. So back to our double date. So we have a Danish tennis therapist, an entrepreneur. An older entrepreneur. Who was the, therapist, an entrepreneur. An older entrepreneur. Who is the...

A LinkedIn guy. Someone who's on LinkedIn. And then you had a fourth one, do you think? Well, I have a fourth one that would be a twist, but it's a woman. And she would obviously have to bring a guy. And that could be kind of funny. Oh, that's interesting. Is she on one of your dating apps?

She's on my dating app. And I've for years kind of ignored. That's a twist. she on one of your dating apps? She's on my dating app. And I've for years kind of ignored. That's a twist. I like it though. I mean, we know it's gonna be a better date. For you? But the guy, there's more chances of it being a bad time. Or you getting offended by something they're gonna say,

or they're not asking you questions, or whereas like with a woman. Do you wanna date this woman? Maybe, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I'm like interested. We have a lot to choose from. We could do all four. Oh my God.

And remind me about the Danish tennis guy. He was from an app as well. He's from an app. We have all these friends in common. Oh, right. One of them being someone I was involved with. You know when you see the friends in common and it's like a green flag.

You're like, oh, these are. Cool people. Cool people. I don't know, he's Danish. I just feel like it's fun. You're like, oh, these are... Cool people. Cool people. I don't know, he's Danish. I just feel like it's fun. All right, I mean, but I also like the idea of the older entrepreneur. He's been recommended to you.

That's the LinkedIn guy. Oh. You wanna do three? Let's pick one today. Let's start with one. I think we should start with the LinkedIn guy. Yeah. The friend of your friend.

Okay, great. Oh my God. LinkedIn guy. Yeah. The friend of your friend. Okay, great. Oh my God. LinkedIn guy? Just because he has a profile. He does have an Instagram, but it's private. Like he's not really on Instagram, which to me is at this point, yes, like the best. And so it's kind of cool that he's on LinkedIn.

LinkedIn is where we get the most info about him He's a LinkedIn influencer. Let's move forward with LinkedIn. Should we use LinkedIn as like a dating app? When you think about it, that's all the information we need. I like personality stuff I don't like just knowing where someone works. I know but I mean you can you can use it. I'm logged out. I can't get into my LinkedIn. How are we reach him?

We're set up. Yeah, yeah, we set up. This is dead in the water. We lost our platform. Okay, great. So TBD on date with LinkedIn guy and friend. Did we hit all our pins? You're in a chip scheme.

I'm art heist. Would you enjoy being a criminal? Like if it was available to you? So Callie and I talked about this. She has like a fantasy about this a little bit. She finds this very romantic. Oh. The idea of organized crime.

Or being a part of like something naughty. very romantic. Oh. The idea of organized scrims. Or being a part of like something naughty. But I don't generally think of it as exciting or cool or fun, cause I'm scared. I'm a scared person. You don't love breaking the rules. I don't. But that's why when it's an Ocean's Eleven, it's like a big friend event.

Yeah. And then I like it. If it's an ensemble cast, then I enjoy that. A solo thievery is not for me. It's just nothing's worth it. Right. The whole fun of it is to do it with your pals. You'd chip steal by yourself, probably. I mean, I shoplifted.

Right. By yourself? Well, I did it with friends. It started with a friend and then I kind of did it on my own and got caught with Kat and Kat didn't know. Was it chips? It was. It would make sense. I wish.

It was with chips. You didn't even steal what you wanted. And it was hair clips. So very 1999 core. Was it from Claire's? It was, yes. Our version is Ardenne. Oh. I know. I still shop there now, like Dunkaroos.

I went right back. But I'm torn. Because it doesn't, it actually, the fact that I shoplifted doesn't make sense to me. I don't think I love breaking rules. Oh my God, I had a boyfriend that kind of shoplifted. Now I'm like, I had not think about that for a long time. It was like the very toxic...

Before? In my 20s, I was in a very serious relationship with someone who would kind of engage in a lot of rule breaking in a way that was like, again, made sense afterwards. Sociopath. Yes, it was an abusive relationship. And it made me very uncomfortable

because even when I would ask him, please don't, it like really stresses me out because I literally got caught, He would still do it. It stressed me out so much. And I think the shoplifting thing is that I was so young. Like I would never do it now, ever. You would have to, even if you paid me, I don't think I would take the risk.

But there was something about that age where I think I just literally, I don't know, there was like a big misunderstanding of the consequences. But did it, you get a little high from it. Oh my God, I loved it. It started just with like, oh cool, I got away with it. And then I got addicted to that. This is interesting because I don't think of you

as a rule breaker or anything, but I think you do, you like unknown situations. Yeah, that's true. Hence are the double day. Right. Like it doesn't not add up. Look, if I were recruited, if someone was like, we're going to do this, you're not going to have to worry about rent.

If someone pitched me on it and that I like them, I would probably... Yeah, I think you... First I'd be scared. And then if we did it once and it went well, and I like, and like probably just keep doing it. I wouldn't want like people to get killed. I could probably justify in my mind if we were stealing from people who deserve to be... Big corporations. ...who deserve to be...

Even though I... You disagree. I disagree. We feel differently on this, but that's okay. What if you find out, though, that I have a big stake in Frito? Like, you ruined my life. Oh, I wouldn't like that. No. You don't know who you're affecting. It could be someone someone else's Monica

You're right. I Mean oh We have a guest in the attic Recording We're talking about organized crime. Oh my gosh, one of my favorite topics. Remember on a fact check we talked about this, and I couldn't figure out the phrasing. Callie's first date question.

Oh, yeah, right, right, right, right. And the phrasing is, if you were a part of an organized crime, what would it be? Family or organization? Not necessarily. So you went mob. Yeah, of course. But, you know, I went art heist. Liz is in a big chips.

She's stealing from Frito-Lay. I think we have to close the, is the door closed? Oh, maybe it's cracked. It never closes now. Oh man, this place is really falling apart. The empire's crumbling. No, it's not. It's the late days of Rome.

Maybe somebody else's organized crime is to take us down. Oh, a lot of people would be incentivized. Sure. Anyway, she's taking down Frito-Lays. I got kind of excited that you were saying she had just co-opted the plot of Chips. Oh, sorry. And I would have felt very flattered by that. Yeah.

But now we're just talking regular old potato chips. Potato chips, sorry. But don't be careful, they're a big part of her life. Is that your very favorite food group? Yes, that was how I got immediate relief and like happiness and connection. Regulation. Yeah.

Okay, I feel like I had that via TV, but did you have full access to TV all the time? No, and even the fact that you had access to Dunkaroos. Is Dunkaroos Dunkin' Donuts? No, it's the snack food, it had a little bit of icing and then these small cookies. In the shape of dinosaurs. They're called Dunkaroos? Yes.

And you were encouraged to dunk them in milk? Is that the reason? No, in the icing. In the icing. Oh, OK. Sorry, the icing was separate. I thought it was already on. No, you would dip it and it was called a snack,

but it was really just a dessert. But I have a theory that the kids who weren't allowed to have sweets in the house or chips or Dunkaroos, it became this contraband. Like, it became the drug of choice. Because it was like, I can't. I can have it. And so maybe that's why you don't think it's like,

if you have a bag of chips in front of you, like, you can think about something else. I can't. Because I'm like, oh my god, there are chips. I relate deeply to that. Because we would be with my mom at my house for two weeks straight. We had a gallon of milk, and then you got a box of cereal

for those two weeks, you had to make it last. No soda, no chips, no cookies. We'd go to my father's house, who was a bachelor, and it was just stocked, full of every soda, every chip. We were allowed to order pizza. So my brother and I were like people exiting the desert after months and months. And we like learned to eat that way. Like, oh shit.

It's a scarcity mentality. Devour. And he and I both have this capacity to over indulge in a way that I think has to have something to do with that. Or we go to my grandparents and they have the same kind of loot. Wow. And you have no scarcity mentality. She's mentality. With food, I don't really...

Also, because I, as we've talked about so many times, I'm extremely wasteful. So if I don't finish something, I feel in my head, I can buy this again tomorrow. I don't have to eat this right now because I can have it again tomorrow if I want. Unless I'm in another state. So like when I'm in New York,

I eat so much more than I do when I'm home because it is scarcity mentality. I can only have this restaurant when I'm in New York. It's so rare. So I have to eat all the pasta. You have acute scarcity and we have chronic scarcity. Right. I think I have practical scarcity.

It's like it actually is. Is true. Yeah. You're not gonna come back. Right. I think I have practical scarcity, but it's like it actually is. Is true. Yeah. Right, you're not gonna come back. Exactly. Because I, at dinner in New York, you were kind of going to my pace, and I was like, oh my, this is so exciting.

We were sharing fries and eating cake, and you got like all the desserts, and I was like, oh my God, I don't feel like I'm eating the entire thing, and I gotta like slow down. I think this is dysmorphic. You order small, you ordered like taquitos. I eat quick and I eat like it's about to fall off the table.

As someone who's eaten with you a lot, I've never felt that ever. That's funny. I feel that. And I wonder why you feel that. It must come from old days. I'm a little self-conscious when we're sharing things because you don't, you're like gonna take one bite

and then talk for hours. And then I'm like, this is gonna be embarrassing where I'm gonna overeat and then she's gonna notice. And like, yeah. Also, maybe I wonder if we share this, which is like Monica, if you're sharing any given dish with somebody, it doesn't enact this like panic, does it? Like if you're sharing, if there's like eight pieces

of pizza, in fact, that's a bad example, because clearly both people get four. It's when something's kind of loosey goosey or you're taking sc if there's like eight pieces of pizza, in fact, that's a bad example, because clearly both people get four. It's when something's kind of loosey goosey, or you're taking scoops out of something, or it's artichoke dip. When you're sharing, do you start thinking like, oh, fuck, I gotta get my share? I generally don't have that.

Again, because I know if I didn't get enough, I can say, can we get one more artichoke dip? Can we get one more? And I pay normally in these cases, so I feel fine about that. But for the most part, I don't have that. My brother, actually, with him, I have it. So I was gonna suggest that,

so your sibling was so much younger than you, you were so dominant. My brother was five years older, so it was like someone shot a starter pistol and it was like, go! Yeah. And he could out-consume me and I wasn't gonna get my share and it was unjust.

But I do wanna enter yet another thing into this debate, which is my children, who if any two people have grown up in abundance, it's them. There is always multiples of anything they would ever want, but Delta has it. If Lincoln goes and grabs a fry off her plate, she's like, you have to ask me! Like she panics. But is that more a respect thing though? We talk goes and grabs a fry off her plate, she's like, you have to ask me! Like she panics.

But is that more a respect thing though? We talk about it quite a lot and she shares her feelings, which you know she's quite articulate at doing. And no, she has this genetic scarcity thing. So it's interesting. Me and my sister is the same thing. I'm Delta and my sister is Lincoln. All of you are talking about birth order as well.

Sure, right, younger. And that I think has something to do with it. But also Delta is not scarcity mentality at all when it comes to like money or if she shares shit all the time, like she's always like giving off her little squishy, you know, she like, she's not hoarding of the things she cares about. So maybe it's specifically food?

Yeah, I was gonna say, I don't think those things are mutually exclusive because I would think of myself as quite generous and sharing as well, but food, Monica, what you were saying, like yeah, I'll order an artichoke dip, and then if I need another one, I'll order that. That's very logical, clearly I could do that too. Weirdly, here's how I have to do that.

I actually have to do that beforehand. So if I'm gonna go through drive-thru and I want french fries and I ask everyone in the car what they want and no one wants fries, I say, if you guys are gonna start asking for my fries, I'd rather just buy you fries. No, we're not gonna want them. I know they're going to.

So I preemptively order two fries. I can't, like, so if I even had the inkling that someone was gonna eat more than half of the spinach artichoke dip, I'd have to order two from the get-go. because I can't even be at ease while it's happening. I did that literally on Friday. I ordered, I wanted fries. I was at this group dinner, and I ordered two, because I was like, I don't want, and then they didn't even eat their fries. And again, I was like, I don't understand how you don't, like, their fries in front of you don't eat them.

And so I ended up eating both. How about this? I'm such a routine person. So in the morning, I brew my coffee, it sits with a lid on it while I meditate, and then I'm allowed to start drinking it as I start journaling. And I'm only allowed that one cup of coffee in that setting. And occasionally, Kristin will walk by and she'll like smell the coffee and she'll go,

oh, can I have a sip? And I go, sure. Oh my God, yes. And you guys, it's- I know, I know, I know, I know, I believe. It's like insufferably painful because she takes a sip and I'm like, the whole thing's fucked up now.

It's already not enough. I'm already on a diet for the coffee and now it's less than even the, and it's painful. You hear right, I know you do. I'm telling it knowing it's ridiculous. I know, I know. It's because, and this is a cross-abroad of everything we're talking about,

it's a stranglehold on life. It's like, oh my God, if this goes even slightly off kilter, the whole thing's fucked up. That's not reality. Things go off kilter all the time. Everything's fine. That is an objective truth.

But I'm saying you gotta practice that. Well, surely. Loosening the grip a little bit. I hope I've gotten better. But again, if you grow up and a lot of really unexpected turns are happening all the time and your baseline is expecting the shoe to drop and for some crazy step backwards to happen, you start getting really controlling about these little things and you get very superstitious.

Athletes are all this way. Any endeavor where there's a high probability of failure, I think you get increasingly more controlling and superstitious. I get where it comes from. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I have compassion for that, tons. But also now, it's just about-

Transcending all that? Yeah, like that's over. Yeah, I don't desire to have my morning ruined by giving someone one sip of my coffee. I see the absurdity and it's not comfortable and I'm not proud of this behavior, but that's what happens. I don't think Kristen does this,

but certain people do trigger these very specific emotions. And so like I said, my brother will trigger something that no one else on earth will trigger. And he does that when we're at like a dinner and he's just eating off the shared thing and not paying attention at all to the amount everyone else is getting.

I have my own story about him. He's not paying attention. He's not conscientious. Exactly, which he is. But I have this idea about him from being a child. A baby. Yeah, that is not fair to him, but that I project in all of our circumstances

and all of our interactions, and I have that with some other people in my life as well. So it's not really how I feel blanketly, but certain people will just shine a light. Yeah, and food is so primitive. That's the part that feels maybe uncontrollable or reveals kind of the most primitive parts of us. I mean, with sex, it's the number one.

Food is more important than sex, right? Like, you'll die out of food before you die from not having sex, but... Speak for yourself. Yeah. It's kind of a funny joke, Monica. It's fine. You know what I learned this week? Of all of the senses, touch is the only one that is necessary for survival.

You won't die if you lose your sight, or obviously it can create obstacles, but touch, you will die. It's like the most essential. How did this conversation start about the... Oh, it was the Callie question. Yeah. Yeah. That's a good first date question.

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This is the perfect place to ask because it feels very gendered. Murder. Very gendered, yeah. When you think of these crimes that you might commit, does the thought of killing a very, very bad person, is it undesirable, neutral, or desirable? How bad are they? What have they done? Like Hitler, Stalin, Putin.

Right now, when you present me with the notion, like when you say to me, Dax, we've arranged this, you can go into a eight by eight room with Vladimir Putin, you have an hour and nothing will be held against you. I'm very excited about that proposition. I would love to kill that man and get him the fuck away from all the humans that he's destroying.

Like I actually desire that in a way I would desire any other pleasurable thing. And I'm wondering if you guys have that gear. I mean, I want them, there are people I wish were no longer living. Do I wanna be the person doing it? I have no desire for that. The act of killing is undesirable.

What if you hit a switch in a comically big cartoon Anvil falls on his head and you just had to hit the switch? I just know it does not matter how bad a person is. If I know I'm responsible for their, anyone's death on this earth, that would be hard for me. In my mind, it's so clearly framed. I'd be responsible for saving literally a million people.

There's a very few acts you could do in life where you'd be saving a million people. I know. I want that. I want somebody else to do it. Wow. Even if you think about that person you hate the most in the whole entire world. I don't hate very many people. Or what if, like, it was, like, my rapist?

Or, like, someone had done harm to... Delta. What if, like, a man had hurt Delta? Because that, to me, like, triggers that bare mind. Well, if I saw it, I would kill them. If I could stop a thing... With a murder. With a murder.

If I was like walking in on that and I could kill the person, yes, I would. But it's like after the fact, because I just really just rather them just go to jail for life. I remember having an audition for The Last Airbender. One of these movies I hadn't read any of the books, I didn't understand any of it, and the vernacular was so sci-fi, I didn't know what I was saying. I could not relate, but it was a moment

where I had caught the person and I was basically gonna torture them, right? And none of it made sense, I couldn't figure out how to do this, and then all of a sudden I just had the idea, and this was before Osama Bin Laden had been killed, I was like, ooh, what would my disposition be like if I was in a room with Osama Bin Laden tied to a chair?

And I realized quickly it would be elation. I would enjoy so much that I have you. And then I was like, oh, I kind of understand how to do this. But anyways, in thinking of that, I was really kind of recognizing that there are certain people that it'd be beyond just doing a service. I'd actually be quite excited to exact justice on them.

Me too. I mean, I also like revenge. Jonah Nolan was here and he was saying, like one of the most classic archetypal American stories we love is revenge. That's why he wrote Memento. It's a bad side of us. It also is weird coming from you, because I feel like the reason I'm not like that

is because of being close to you. Over time, understanding people in a different way and that everyone has a reason they are the way they are. I put a lot less blame on people in general, so I don't have this sense of like, they're innately bad, or I should enact revenge on this person. I'm like, I'm lucky that I'm not. It's more, I just feel more gratitude now,

and it's definitely from knowing you. I'm happy to hear that. And by the way, no, no, no, no, no, but listen, I think we're still in lockstep. Like, I am actually not in favor of a punitive jail system that we're not trying to rehabilitate them or we're not removing them just for the safety of other people, but there's this third category

which is like, we're gonna make them suffer because they made us suffer. I actually disagree with that. And I agree with you, there's like, on this huge spectrum of personality types or people types on planned earth, yeah, 97% of them I'm not judgmental of and I'm not seeking justice or revenge.

But I definitely believe that there is a set of people whose true objective is to cause as much suffering in pain and annihilation. And the protector in me goes like, that person has to be removed. I am with you on, I want that person removed. But would I get personal pleasure? No, and would I even get,

oh God, this is gonna sound so bad. This is gonna be good. And people are probably gonna be mad at me for this. But it's the truth. When Osama bin Laden, when he was killed, I was relieved. They couldn't plot anymore against us. Exactly, and I was really glad that Obama carried that out, but I was on a plane, we like landed and they announced it.

Wow. It was cheering. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's not my reaction to that. Right, it felt like a Coliseum style. A bit, it's like, I know, like evil, but I don't believe in evil deeply, so it's hard for me to just rejoice.

I just will never rejoice over someone's death, even if I hate them. That's a good quality. Maybe now that I'm thinking about it, there's a sense when everyone is in that mode, everyone's cheering over someone's demise. There's always a sense of what if that was me or that could be me. And of course it can, I'm not gonna,

like Osama Bin Laden in the world. You have so much empathy, you would like identify with Osama Bin Laden. You're very much onto something. It scares me. Because implicit in the cheering was he was other. It would have been more complicated. Like I don't think people when Timothy McVeigh was killed,

they didn't cheer. They should have. So if I were you and I were brown in this country, I'd go, that's a little adjacent to them getting into a crowd mentality and going, you know what, all these brown people mean. Exactly, like at any moment could everyone decide to turn on me.

Right. And even there was criticism, when they killed Gaddafi, there was criticism like just the photos that were released of him bloody, like that if it had been a white man, they wouldn't have published these kinds of accounts and there's a dehumanizing quality to it. And they're, again, cheering. I understand the impulse. Well, in a way we're doing what they did to us. Exactly.

We're not being the bigger person. There's a hypocrisy as well. They cheered death and now we're cheering. Yeah, that's a really good point. I think I was lucky in this way. I was in Bleecker Street Pizza, whatever that is, seventh in Bleecker Street or something. Yeah, passed it the other day.

All of a sudden we heard cheering from a bar next door. And so my first thought was like, oh, someone just won the Stanley Cup or some football game or some soccer. Someone won something. Yeah, yeah. That's appropriate time to cheer. And then it started spreading

and it started spreading to such a degree that we left Bleecker Street to go look at the TV. From where I was standing, I don't know, 30 blocks from the attack, I loved it. It felt like for New Yorkers, it was this very cathartic release of, oh good, that person did pay for the pain they caused all of us.

And I guess I didn't even let myself imagine it was happening around the country. Of course it was, now that you say it, or on an airplane, but for me, I was like in New York. I was happy for those people. It was like this huge release they had been carrying that this person was still out there. What you just said is interesting, right?

Like there were people that cheered when the towers went down, and that's just their circumstance. Like a lot of people are born into some crazy circumstances that lead them to this place where they're excited about a takedown of us. And then, I don't know, where were you when Osama Bin Laden was killed? In Denmark?

I think it was 2011. No, so I was in London. I don't really recall. You weren't in the United States. Yeah, not yet. Everyone was talking about it there. But I feel like I was on a Greyhound bus on my way to, like I was in transit and I remember seeing,

there were like celebrations at the, you know, outside the White House or something, right? Like, and then the situation photo, but there was no cheering. I think that was very American. People were saying USA, USA outside the White House. I feel like I remember that and thinking that was weird. I was like, you didn't do, like, I don't know, it's like a sportsman.

Yes, it became sports. It was us against them. Anyway, okay, I think we should do some questions. Yeah. Okay, this is relevant with our guest. How do I adapt to my newly sober bestie who not only changed the vibes but also triggers me? This is from Emily. Hi Liz and Monica, long time listener, first time caller.

I'm writing for help with an evolving relationship. I have a kindred spirit friendship that is going on 10 years now. She's a fellow Libra and someone who I met and instantly connected with deeply. We were like sisters and our convos were always so intense and mostly healing. Over the past four years she's gone through some trauma on her side and as a result has decided to stop drinking. She's the first to admit she had no problem with the hooch, but thought she'd give it up to see if that helped her overall mood, marriage, and mental state.

I'm proud of her for doing this, but also have to admit our hangouts have changed. Having wine and gabbing was a big part of our friendship, but not the center of it. We were always going on adventures traveling and seeing concerts But now everything feels a bit more muted She shares less leaves early and in some ways seems to act a bit superior for not drinking I feel triggered by this and a bit judged I have a great casual relationship with drinking so I can't envision why someone would give it up if they didn't need to a Sunday fun day is a blast, but I also have sober family members

So I should be cool with this that said why am I so sad that I may never have another cocktail with her again? Am I rude in feeling it's performative? I know I should be supportive, but things have changed and I feel sad about it. I miss her old hangs. Am I a total dick?" No, you're not a total dick. No. It's hard when major pieces of a friendship shift. I've thought about this. Me too. Although we drank and then you stopped. Yeah. Do you think it changed our hangs? major pieces of a friendship shift. I've thought about this. Me too.

Although we drank and then you stopped. Yeah. Do you think it changed our hangs? It didn't change it for me, but I was like, is she still gonna wanna hang out as much? This might be wrong, but I felt like maybe I didn't get invited as much. If you guys were going out, morning group,

not one-on-one, but I was like, oh, they're getting drinks and so then they're probably not going to invite me. I think you get invited maybe less. My gut reaction to that is maybe she wasn't that interested. Like, it seems like you really liked her when she was drinking, and now you might just not get along. She might not be as interesting as you thought she was. Because if I'm drinking or not drinking,

it didn't change my relationships. And it surprised me, actually. I thought I would be having less drinking, it didn't change my relationships. And it surprised me actually. I thought I would be having less fun, but I wasn't. But you stay out even for you, don't you think it changed? You leave when you're ready to leave, which is at a normal time, earlier than people who are drinking.

For sure. You're getting further and further adrift in the experience that people are having. But it took me 10 years to do what, when you met me, I did. Well, took me 10 years to do what when you met me I did. Well, maybe not 10 years, maybe six or seven years, I felt this obligation to hang as late as I always did and prove that I hadn't become lame or this or that.

And it was Andrew Panay who I became friends with him and Andrew has never drank in his life. So like observing how he's like, the bar is a terrible hang after 9 p.m. I don't wanna be there. Everyone's repeating themselves and they're like really effusive and they don't even mean it the next day.

And to see the clarity by which he was evaluating the situation without any of the baggage, I was like, oh yeah, that's the anatomic truth of this situation. I no longer need to feel like I've become a stick in the mud because it's not enjoyable to me. The thing I hear most in there, and I hope she doesn't feel attacked by this,

is I feel judged she's superior. Those are your issues. So if your friend stopped eating vegetables and every time you were out you were eating vegetables and she wasn't, you would never feel judged by it. You would never feel like she thought she was superior, because you know your truth is vegetables are nothing to feel ashamed of.

So to me, it's a little bit telling that you would so easily feel judged or that someone could feel superior. It makes me have a little suspicion that you yourself aren't dead certain on your conviction about it. That makes sense to me, but it can feel odd to be drinking when somebody else is not.

It does feel like there are more eyes on you. Like I've noticed that, not with you, but if I'm around people who are sober, not drinking and others are, I'm hyper aware of their like, kind of, clocking. Nobody's really even thinking about your drinking. Unless they themselves have some really complicated situation with it and they have recently quit and they're struggling with it,

but like, I have no idea what glass of wine you're on. I never think in my head ever, oh, she's drinking or she's not drinking. I don't think about it at all, but I think it's quite easy to feel like, or assume other people are thinking that. It's just really presuming to know a lot about what the other person's thinking.

And if you guys are best friends of 10 years, you should be in a place that you could say, I'm feeling really judged or that you feel superior and you can have this talk. My hunch is she's gonna go, no, I'm just not on that elevated dopamine level with you, so I'm not as effusive, but nothing's going on. I do think that there's something going on,

maybe it's extremely online. There is this superiority with like, I became sober and there's something like pushing it on you. Callie's sober, there's like a new thing. Yes, and it's, you can totally not drink and that's awesome and it's great that it's had all these amazing effects in your life. You're not saying you should do it too,

but the subtext is that you're better and what you're doing or you're choosing to do is sort of better than other people. So maybe there's an air of that going on. Maybe she's taking it in from the culture, but it's not specific to that friendship. I mean, I think it's like an interesting question. It is.

Like, should people be encouraging other people to be sober? No. Well, I don't think this person is, by the way, but just now we're on a different, an interesting tangent. And again, we are filling in some blanks. Like if someone's posting, like, day 39 of sober, my skin's never looked better,

but you are interpreting that as them telling you you should do it. But unless they're saying everyone should do this or I don't know why people do this, you are just inferring a lot. So it gets really tricky. I think we're really susceptible to feeling judged and feeling less than,

but I think that's because we're all judging ourselves quite harshly. And we're really hard on ourselves. But also just getting back to her feelings, I think it's totally, totally normal to be sad when a friendship dynamic changes. It's extremely disturbing. Scary.

It's scary, it shakes the foundation of your life. It's hard. I really sympathize with that. And maybe you talk to her and it gets resolved like it's hard. I really sympathize with that. And maybe you talk to her and it gets resolved and it's fine. But if you are feeling uncomfortable drinking around her, maybe that isn't the person you go to drinks with when they can't drink.

Yeah, don't invite your friend to your bowling league if they don't bowl. Exactly, and do other stuff that is still fulfilling to both of you where you're not gonna get triggered in this way. I've told you this story when we were all at Aaron's house and they ran up to get beer, and we were probably 23 or four,

out in the middle of nowhere, and then two of the dudes came back on foot, and they're like, oh, we got pulled over Aaron and got arrested for DUI. And my truth in that moment was, oh no, Aaron's gonna quit drinking. Yeah. This is what happens, you get a DUI and you quit drinking.

He called from the police station so we could pick him up and I'm like, you okay? Yeah. Pause and I go, are you gonna quit drinking? And he goes, fuck no. I was like, oh my God, thank God, okay. Yeah, I'm gonna come pick you up. I mean, that's the truth of where I was at,

which is like, this is our thing. This is a big part of our foundation. Now with all that said, I was sober, or I had not drank for 15 years while he still did, and we still talked and hung out and loved each other. Definitely we couldn't go down these roads we had in the past. And then whatever, now he's sober, so who knows. But I remember having a full panic about his DUI

selfishly just that he was not gonna drink anymore. I thought like, okay, if I decide to stop drinking, how is that gonna affect some of the relationships in my life that involve a lot of drinking? It's real. It is real, and it will affect. Yes, exactly. That's just the truth.

I think it's okay to be sad and you're not a dick. It sucks when things change and friendships morph all the time. It's hard. Okay, let's do one more. I like this format. Really good questions. Really.

Hey y'all, really great questions. Such a gaffed. Oh. Is it a sexy one? No, it's kind of funny. Okay, do I tell my partner that I don't like his new laugh? This is from... New laugh?

This is from Katie. Hi Liz and Monica, thanks for reading. Your show is so special and helps me feel connected to a long distance bestie. We both listen and then share our thoughts regularly. Oh, that's so sweet. Anyway, I'm happily partnered with my boyfriend of four years. We just bought a house together and I feel truly grateful to know and to be able to love him.

He's incredibly smart, thoughtful, funny, and attractive. However, I've noticed in the last few months that his laugh has changed and that it sounds exactly like his best friend's laugh. They spend time each week on the phone while playing video games, et cetera. And I think he's unknowingly started to parrot, take on this new characteristic more and more over time. I don't like the laugh,

maybe because it sounds less genuine or maybe because it's a very distinctive sounder and reminds me of his friend. Do I tell him? How do I bring it up without hurting his feelings or being rude about his friend? Xoxo, appreciate any advice you can offer. And do I tell him? How do I bring it up without hurting his feelings or being rude about his friend? Xoxo, appreciate any advice you can offer.

Do you know, Monica, one in 20 of the comments that I read on our feed are about people going, at what point did Monica and Dax develop the same laugh? No way. I read it today. Yeah, people are like, when did their laugh become the same laugh? Oh, that's weird.

I don't notice that at all. I don't either, but I can't imagine one in 20 people are lying. I think I have different laughs. Remember when we had Jimmy Fallon on and he said I have multiple laughs and he could like do them. Oh wow.

Your laughs have multitudes. My laugh often has changed over the years with again, who I'm hanging out with the most. I don't notice it, and I think it's so cute. It is, it's beautiful. It's so cute that you start laughing like... You're sharing a language. Yeah.

I know, but I'm going to take, okay, I could definitely see myself being rubbed really the wrong way by this situation. One, if it's in a new laugh that I find actually just sounds annoying, that's going to be hard for me. But also, I would feel what you're saying, Dax, like you're just becoming another person so easily you're taking on this other person's trait.

And it is a little scary and it's a little like unattractive when someone is so malleable. And it's like, who are you though? If your laugh can change just from being around that person or if you, because this happens a lot too, right? Where you're around someone a lot and you start taking on each other's words and phrases. You get the fam-la-con going. Fam-a-lect, yes, that's Wendy's word.

But it's sweet if you're in it, but it is not sweet if you're on the outside of it. Well, for one, you might feel left out. That could be a piece of it. I think it speaks to your insecurity of going like, oh, this person's forming a special thing with somebody. They're evolving to match them. They're not evolving to match me.

Well, would you agree with this? The perfect human that doesn't exist, but the totally self-actualized, very self-confident, their own self-esteem. A laugh is a laugh. I don't know that you can say one's annoying or one's not. No, some are annoying sounding. Listen, some people have objectively insane laughs,

but when you love them, you actually love it more. I don't think you could ever say objectively a laugh is good or bad. That's right, yeah. It's like what's attached to it. And I think for you, Monica, that makes so much sense. I could definitely see how you've Monica, that makes so much sense. I could definitely see how you've,

that that would be a reaction, because it's scary that this person, what's the perfect way to say it? Well, I think you have baggage around when is the shoe gonna drop, an unstable environment. I do too, not in my family home. Yes, you desire great security. I had a lot of when am I gonna get dropped?

When am I gonna get excluded? When am I gonna, and at any moment it can happen. And so I also walk through the world with that same thinking. And so I need safety, I need security, I need to know this is the person. If all of a sudden they start laughing weird and saying weird stuff, it makes me feel unstable.

A thousand percent. And I'm totally sympathetic to it and compassionate. I just think it's really fun. It's really, I love hearing the questions and I love talking about them because when they're not your issue, to me they feel very clear. And it reminds me, it's like all my issues

with other people are my issues, they're my insecurities. Really people's behavior is like so neutral. There's a whole episode of Friends about it. Chandler's laugh, right? That he has a work laugh and then it really bothers her and then it's like a whole episode. And the subtext in that episode is like she feels like he's a different person.

Exactly. That he's different than what he presents to her. He's laughing at jokes that she doesn't think are funny. Or that he doesn't normally or wouldn't. And it's kind of early in their relationship and she has to kind of adjust to the work him. Basically it's not about the laugh, it's about his identity, right?

Like he's a little bit different when he's around work people than he is with her and so she has to kind of take that in and sort of accept it. Well, you know an extreme example of it that I experienced a couple times, which is really illuminating, is I've had black friends who code switched in front of me

and I had this moment where I was like, oh my God, do I know the real person? Are they putting on this facade for me and that's the real them and I don't actually have access to the real them. And like, what it really did is just flare up all this insecurity in me that because I'm not black, I won't really know the real them,

or I won't share the thing they share. And I thought the thing we had was very real and legit. And then of course realizing like, that's all my fear that maybe this person isn't gonna like me in a way I hope they would. Have you had that? I have two friends that aren't white, and like, I was friends with both of them separately

and now we've been hanging out, the three of us, and I'm like, oh, have I just not really, yeah. And then if I'm not there, how is it? And you feel guilt somehow? Yes, of course. Yeah, like oh my God, this person thinks I won't like them if they're not this. Or I don't know if it's as conscious as that.

I think it's more, there's something when you're around someone who has the same background as you, it's not I'm going to code switch or I'm gonna switch into this mode, it's just the pheromones are created. And the truth is, having not seen the Friends episode, but I'm sure Monica, she would be inclined to go, the work laugh is phony.

Yes, that's what happens. Or conversely, even more scary, the me laugh is phony and that's the real laugh. But of course, people are just multifaceted and all of them are genuine and real. I had dinner with Elizabeth and Andy last night and Elizabeth had listened to our episode with Patrick, the diagnosed sociopath,

and she said that she appreciated that I was during it. I was like, oh God, am I a sociopath? Because I do that, I wear masks. Again, not consciously, but my relationship with every single person is different. So I'm going to be slightly different in every situation. I think that's normal. Then she said, Andy is not like that at all.

Because she was saying she's like that, but then Andy's just who he is. No matter where he's at. No matter what. This makes me think of something for the first time. So we had all this growing stress of me joining your connections group. Yeah, there was some hurdles. I heard about it.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What I never considered, and I don't know if you have, is like, so you had a lot of anxiety about it, understandably, and we talked about all that. That's all been hashed out. But what might be interesting is I wonder if there was any voice in your head that was like, oh boy, he's gonna observe me in this other context

where I'm a different person. It was all focused on me mostly, but I wonder if any of it was also you, like I've gotta now bridge who I am with him and who I am with my childhood friends. Maybe. I have some of that with you, like if Erin and the three of us are together,

I am dialing back for sure some stuff that I know would offend you or make you feel scared. Not only am I altering it, but I also have two degrees of anxiety that Erin won't know that that's something that shouldn't be said. I'm dealing with a totally different culture in Detroit. And so yeah, when I mash these together,

I have a little anxiety. So many pins, but I would hope you wouldn't say something that would offend me, not just because I was there. My hope is that me being in your life is just gonna make you less likely to do that. Is that totally not real? I can see that that would be your desire, but also you and I disagree on something.

Like I just saw Andrew Schultz comedy. It's spectacular. It's so racist, but there's something about his intention and his awareness of all of it. In his actual friendship group and who he's touring with, like he's walking the walk, he enjoys the stereotypes of the different neighborhoods he grew up in.

All of his friends mutually agree to it and enjoy it together. I enjoy it. You don't enjoy it. I don't feel like a racist, because I laugh at that, but I know that you and I are never gonna watch Andrew Schultz and you're never gonna laugh

the way I do at him. It's just scary. And I understand the stakes are higher for you and it's a privilege that I can consume it without that. But to me, there's a bunch of funny stuff that still has to do with our racial differences, our sex differences, all these things. That's still very amusing to me.

But I know that's never going to be something you're going to enjoy or laugh at. And so of course, I'm not going to want Aaron to bring in some bit of comedy we both enjoy that you're not gonna enjoy. Does that make sense? Yeah. Your preference would be that I don't even think Andrew Schultz is funny. Or that you can see it a bit differently

when you have someone in your life. By the way, I don't know anything about Andrew Schultz. Maybe I would find it super funny, I don't know. But in general, because as we said earlier, I feel that my perspective on life is different based on our proximity. And I would hope that it would be reciprocated. Yeah.

And it very much has. In your life, the thing I'm bringing to the table is a race thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it has changed me dramatically and there's a ton of things I've altered my behavior and I would not feel good doing anymore. But just to specifically talk about Andrew Schultz,

because I think it's relevant. He's performing in Taiwan to 8,000 Taiwanese. And he is talking about if we get invaded by China that we're gonna have to come help. And he says to them, guys, we'll be happy to help. I'm a little nervous about us knowing who's who. The level of laughter among the Taiwanese is enormous. So I'm not seeing a victim there.

Now, if he was telling that joke to all white Americans saying we're gonna have to go to Taiwan to bail them out of China, how are we gonna know the difference? The fact that he brings it right to their doorstep, they like it a lot, they're dying laughing, and he's doing a ton of stereotype jokes directly to them, and they enjoy it, as I enjoy watching Barbie

and getting made fun of for being a man. I recognize that I'm in a position of power where it's easier for me to laugh at myself, but the point is, is that Andrew goes to all these people and does it directly to their face. And they love it and they come by. Laughing at yourself is different than laughing at others. But he's not Taiwanese,

but he can still make an observation for them that they themselves find very funny. That's fine, that doesn't bother. Yes, it would bother me if he was in a room full of white people making that joke. That's to me, racist. I'm only pointing out that like you have a relationship with it that I respect and I honor.

And then someone else that's Indian is gonna have a totally different level of what they think is offensive or that they might enjoy. And so I don't think there's a baseline of how everyone is taking it. By the way, all these Taiwanese people, they're the majority. He's talking to them in their country. They're the majority.

They aren't the oppressed. That's what I'm saying, though. I'm agreeing with you that his joke there is fine. His joke, if he did that in America with a bunch of white people, if he made that same joke, like you said, is not fine. But if most of his audience is white Americans, then like he is making the joke. And right, like the physical audience is Taiwanese people, but the audience for the special is Americans, right?

Well, I don't know. I mean, clearly he's huge in Taiwan. He tours the world and he's huge everywhere. He sells out 15,000 seat theaters around here. And his thing is when he came to the forum and he's in Hollywood, he blasts Hollywood. He's lined it all up. All the things we do that are silly, that are worth making fun of, and he just blasts

us and everyone in the audience that's from Hollywood is laughing at themselves, which is very cathartic and fun. And then he goes over to Boston, he calls them fucking racist and he lets them have it about their stereotype. And the people there genuinely are getting a lot of joy out of it. Now, all these things just on paper, you're not allowed to do.

And by the way, there are a ton of comedians trying to do the same thing and they suck and it's not working. It's very fascinating. They're doing similar material, but there's something about the intention. There's something about being in on it with them, living amongst, there's just so much nuance in it.

And so it's interesting, like, if you were Taiwanese and we were best friends and that stuff made you uncomfortable, I would respect that, but yet then I'm looking at this group of people who clearly loves him, bought tickets to him, and is gonna buy tickets to him over and over again, I can't say to them I'm wrong for loving being made fun of by him.

I just think it's very complicated and I think there's room for like, I got no problem adjusting how I am to not hurt someone I love's feelings. But I don't think the commitment would be then I pretend I don't think that routine he did was funny. Well, what have you learned from being friends with Monica? What has changed? Oh, there's so many. The reality of the singular representation being a poo and how traumatic that was for everyone.

And there was a child during that. I can see the pain. I can see the dynamic of her being the only brown person in a group. And someone makes a joke that makes her very uncomfortable. And then she has to let them off the hook and soften their guilt and nurture them after they've done this thing. I see that whole cycle and it's a heartbreaking bummer. And of course I go back in my mind, I play these times where that happened a bunch around me

and I just didn't do anything, say anything, think anything about it. It's changed how I raise my kids. I think there's a ton of stuff that I've become very sympathetic to. Do you feel like there's ever been a time where I'm not there, that you're involved in something or you see something that you in your head is like,

ooh, that's probably not good, that you wouldn't have thought was not good before? For sure, and also let me say, again, this is the line we're talking about. It's like, I see some comedians trying to do what Schultz does and they can't. I see the other people do it and I'm like, no, they're just hateful.

You can sense it. So I think, and you might disagree with me on this, but I can delineate between someone saying something funny and someone saying something mean-spirited and disparaging and with the underlying superiority. I can too. That's the point of living as a minority. You figure out what's hateful and what's not

because a lot of things are coming at you. But the problem is, is not about the actual person. Like again, Andrew Schultz, I don't know. It's hard for me to speak on him because I just don't know anything about him other than that Taylor Swift video, which I liked. That's why I specifically sent you that one. Yeah.

And I'm sure I would find a ton of his stuff very funny. You know when Chappelle left the Chappelle show and he had been doing all this extremely racial comedy. Yeah, Black KKK member. Exactly, and he loved it, he didn't have a problem with it. He said the reason he had to leave is he was able to hear the sound of the laughter of the white people in the room.

And he recognized, oh, he can make those jokes, and he knows what's behind it, but that person who's laughing doesn't, and is now extrapolating all the worst parts of it. And that's the problem with some of this comedy, which again, I can find very funny, but I can see in the audience and I can hear the laughter of people who don't get the layers of it

and are just now using it as racist fodder. This is like the age old Howard Stern debate. And he himself and Gary Delabonte on the show will acknowledge this, which is like, they're doing a very elevated thing, but yes, it's appealing to this very simple guttural thing. And sometimes they're at gas stations and someone yells something and they go,

they aren't getting it. That can be dangerous. My position on that is that person's that person. We're blaming Stern that they're misinterpreting Stern. I disagree. They're that way. They're going to find whatever dog whistle-y thing they're going to find. And to hang in on somebody who is clearly doing something intentional,

I don't know that I agree that they have to be responsible for the worst person interpreting it the worst way. I mean, I agree with you there. It's just how are people choosing to use their platforms? And it can be funny and it can be comedic and you can have parts of that. But as long as, I hope, you as a comedian can recognize, uh-oh, there are people here who are not getting it.

And so for those people, is there a way for me to try to position this so that they do? Or if you don't give a fuck, you don't give a fuck. Yeah, it might be more about, do you think you have that power to make that person a different person? Because I think that's beyond the limits of what we can do. I mean, some people do comedy in order to change minds,

and if it's a minority of people who just don't get it, but to Dave Chappelle's point, if you're hearing that laughter louder, then it says something about your comedy or what you're doing. He's like, I can't be a part of this. As I remember Henry telling it, yeah, he was in the editing room

and he actually was like, they're laughing in the wrong place. They're laughing at this part that's actually not the funny part of it. They're just laughing at the thing that's ostensibly racist. You could get really broad with it and go like, yes, somebody has murdered someone

to Blackbird by Beatles. For whatever reason they got out of Blackbird that they should murder someone, or all the assassins who have been reading Catcher in the Rye when they caught them. That's not the same as someone making funny, but on the line racist jokes, and then racists are like, yeah,

that's different than extrapolating from Blackbird. Well, what I'm saying is that someone, well, not someone, several people read Catcher in the Rye and were like, we need to assassinate this famous person. I can't blame Catcher in the Rye for that. I gotta blame the people that took that from Catcher in the Rye. It's not the same.

Okay, that's apples to oranges. I guess I'm just talking about like art in the interpretation of art. Yeah, that's not the same, okay. That's apples to oranges. I guess I'm just talking about like art in the interpretation of art. Yeah, but when your art is, part of it is making racist jokes or racial jokes, it's just more dangerous. Like there was something in Ketter and the Wright, I don't know, but it wasn't explicit enough

that any one of us can read it and be like, I get it. We don't get it, right? But we get how these jokes would make someone racist or make someone's beliefs get more indoctrinated. That if you're gonna be towing that line, you have a higher responsibility, I think, to make sure that your art is good and that it's airtight and that people don't misinterpret it. Again, I haven't seen the special either,

but I would hope that he's going the extra mile in order to make good comedy that can't be misinterpreted. I think the better that you are at it, the less people will be confused about what it means. I mean, he's the one who texted me. I know, you had an Andrew Schultz event. I had an Andrew Schultz event. He texted you?

We- Oh, you went on a date. We never went on a date, but no, but because he texts me, white men don't get enough credit for inventing feminism. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a good joke. It wasn't a joke, though.

We got into a whole, anyway, whatever. We're friendly and seen each other since. But I kind of want to watch it. I have to watch it in order to know how I feel about it. Well, anyway, did we answer it? No. Are we still in the laugh? Yes.

I thought we did. We did. Well, her question is, should she say anything? I think it's worth mentioning. What would you say? I would make a joke. I knew you were going to say that. I think it's worth mentioning. What would you say? I would make a joke. I knew you were gonna say that.

I always wanna make jokes on things, which is not healthy. I knew you were gonna say like, passive aggressively make a joke about it. No, just laugh about it. Be like, oh my God, your laugh is so, like, did your laugh change? Like, I would just make it light

and then go from there. Because it is like silly, you know? And I think making it super serious, I mean, I think your answer is great. What I would probably do is make a joke about it. And then I would get defensive. I'd feel stupid. You've just made fun of my new laugh.

This thing I'm doing to be closer to this person I like. Now I'm embarrassed and self-conscious. And my reaction is like, okay, I can't do that laugh around her. So now you've set up a situation where it's like, I've created a boundary where you're not going to be yourself. There are safe zones of being you and there are not safe zones being you. And so your big victory is he'll still have the laugh, just not around you.

Yeah. I would say either bring it up or just understand what's happening with you and then let it go. Agreed. It could be an, just I accept that this is his laugh and I see it for what it is and he wants to be closer to this guy. I can't believe our laughs have morphed. One in 20 people believe they're identical.

That is so bizarre. Yeah. I think it happened. I think it's cute. Absolutely. It's also just musical. You're fusing a bit. It's nice.

I wonder if it happens though when we're apart or is it just that when actual laughter is happening, it's morphing? By the way, there's probably like a deep evolution instinct to match in your, and mimic your in-group. Yeah, for sure. We all do it. Also, because you don't want to like stand out.

Yeah, like if you're in a playground, and your life is like, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, and that's your real laugh. You're out, you're fucking gone. You are, you are dead. No one's ever gonna tell you a joke again. It's like survival.

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. Ew, ew, ew. Okay, well. Okay. See, look how nervous you guys are. They're like, I'm so out-groomed. Yeah, I don't like it. There's like a ram in here or something.

Oh, man, all right, well, that is't like it. There's like a ram in here or something. Oh man, all right, well that is it for today. Thank you Dax for joining us. I have a little anxiety, Mike, the whole thing about Andrew Schultz hurt your feelings. Oh no, it didn't. I thought you were gonna say you had anxiety that people might be upset and they might.

Yeah, people will be upset. That's fine, this is the way it all goes. And it's good to have different opinions in this world. I stand by that. Okay, next week we're going on a double date. Fun. And it's very up in the air. Both people blind?

Yes, Liz is picking a person and then telling them to bring a single friend. Yeah. Okay. So that's how this is going. We picked Liz's person today. Okay, but have you already been on a date with the person? No. Okay, great. So it is a first date for you

and a first date for the lucky bachelor who's joining. So, I don't know if we'll get to this by the time we record again. This is a great idea. Right? Isn't it kind of fun? It's a great idea. If someone plays tennis and he's an instructor

slash therapist and we go on that date, shouldn't we play tennis, do a doubles match as a first date, isn't that fun? Thank you. No, that would be like inviting the date to do a podcast with Monica. Oh, it's a job. Like watch me be fucking great at something

and you feel completely insecure and shitty and I'm in a position of like authority and. Okay, got it, got it, got it. I mean I know why that appeals to you, with your kink. No! That's quite obvious, very transparent. But also I don't think you can talk well. I think just in general it's a bad idea.

The only version that Monica could be up for is go sit in a professor's classroom. That's the date where she would just observe the professor be sexy. Oh, okay. He makes me take a test. Yeah. Oh, and with your shirt off.

Oh. All right, well if there's any professors out there who want to engage in this activity. But this is a brilliant idea. I know, I'm excited. I've heard you several times say, what you often like about certain boys is that you're yourself around them.

Exactly. So to me, it's like a shortcut to your primary connection will be one that keeps you yourself. I know, I think it'll be great. I think we're gonna marry these people. I hope so. The only, all right, now I'm gonna predict a potential conflict ahead,

which is what's also interesting is you're gonna see each other on a date. You're not gonna be able to help but go like, oh, Liz does that thing. Well, it's like the laugh. And then Liz, yes. Oh, date Liz and date Monica. That's right, and you might be going like, Monica's being more br. And then Liz, yes. Maybe we have a date laugh. Date Liz and date Monica. That's right.

And you might be going like, Monica's being more bristly than she really is. Why isn't she being more open? These are my predictions of what might happen. And then you'll come back in here and you'll rehash this date. And I'll stand and say, it'll be about these guys,

but I think ultimately it's probably going to be about your guys' date personas. Yes. I love that. Not very many people get the privilege of seeing someone else's date persona. It's true. I've never seen anyone else's date persona.

All right, well anyway, not sure if this will happen by the 10 minute part again. Why do you want to end this? This is so fun. Why are you trying to land the plane? We just hit 30,000 feet. I don't want to go to bed. So you.

We were in the airport in Austin or India or something. It was silent for like seven seconds, not long at all. And Doug said, what else can I talk about? Oh, I know. It's very endearing. It was a moment where I really was like, this is a little boy. This little boy just wants to talk.

He's a big gray body, but he is an eight year old boy. Mom! What else can we talk about? Oh my God, that reminds me. I used to drive my parents crazy in the car because I would just talk and talk and talk and talk and talk. And I just wanted to keep talking.

And at one point my mom was like, no more talking. Well, you found both of your dream jobs. You're right. You're right. It totally fits. It's such a gift. OK, well, we are wrapping it up. And we will be back next week.

Maybe we'll have been on the date. Maybe not. But it's coming. It's coming. All right, see you next week. Winter is coming.