Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: The Pool

Episode Date: February 28, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz discuss their nonnegotiables in a relationship, Monica tells an ex she doesn't want to be friends, and they debate the orange peel theory. They answer listener questions on how to turn down a drink from a stranger at a bar, asking for a prenup, and supporting a friend's financial endeavors. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hi. Hi. How are you doing? You've been sick. I have, but I'm better. And something happens, you know, when after being sick, you're just so grateful for all the little things. Sure. Like being vertical.

Yeah. And around people because I was a little isolated for a few days. Yeah, what'd you do? Tell us about your sick days. Okay. I always have the same little infographic. Like I start off being like, okay, now I have an excuse to do nothing. Yes.

And cancel everything. Although I was sad about the stuff I had to cancel. I was supposed to go to Santa Barbara and see how there's movie and, you know, I bought a hotel room, which I couldn't get reimbursed. Oh, I know. I was like, I was not happy about the timing, but I was like, okay, I can just spend the whole weekend in bed. And I started with, I can finish all the Love is Blind episodes, which I was never a Love is Blind person converted to it because our household is a love, my roommate is a convert. And so I got tempted. You joined the cult? I did after our dinner, actually. I got back and she had friends over and they were all watching it.

And so I was like, I'll participate and got sucked in. You did? I feel like you would enjoy it, but I know that you don't really tend to do reality shows not as much but I I mean I was a big old bachelor girl for so long it's been a minute me too but it's actually I might not go back to the bachelor after love is mine because there's some really interesting it's anthropology yeah I mean it's what are your takeaways well so there's this kind of like not love triangle but love square of sorts one guy basically picks the woman that's like easier and not as challenging, but that would definitely not be the best fit. And the other woman chooses the guy that like doesn't like her as much, but it's more of a conquest for her to get him to like her. And they end up together and it is so bad. And to me, the lesson is like, you can't make choices or decisions out of insecurity. Because when you're in it, you can be convinced that this person that you're obsessed with is actually the most amazing person in the world. And I feel like we've had this where you'll be like this person and you think they're

a total loser. I don't think they're a total loser. Well, I can see who they really are and you can't. Until then, you're forced to. Yes. In that moment, it can be very hard to choose the person that feels peaceful and that makes you feel calm as opposed to like excited and sweaty and that there's fireworks. But it's always a bad call.

And you see it unfold in this show. I think it permanently has changed my brain. I think I fixed it. Liz. Because I saw it. Liz. I'm seeing it in real time. I'm speaking so soon because the truth is, because I think it's actually important to share the truth. You've never done this.

Okay. Not never. Not never. When I've been in long-term things, it wasn't not all of them, but a few, the healthy ones. But it took me a long time. But that's what I'm trying to fix. I'm trying to waste less time with the wrong, because like the more time you spend with the wrong person, the less time you have to spend with the right person. And I feel like I've just wasted. What do you think? No, that's easy, who's there, who's safe. These are the things. These are the things that make a life and a

partnership, but it is hard to do. Well, it's hard to counter the bodily, right? Which again, you have to teach yourself. I think for some people it's natural or whatever, but that those fireworks and that excitement is actually a bad sign. It's anxiety. We've called it butterflies and it's actually anxiety. And also to know yourself,

why do I feel this way about this person? What is it? And like, get really honest with yourself about what it is that's causing it. And I saw this tip. We were talking about this during our Galentine's Day. Dinner. Me and you went to all time for Galentine's Day. We went on regular Valentine's Day. We did. We were early birds. And we had our delicious chocolate cake and you ate some. You broke your gluten-free. I felt fine. I mean, I did get sick the next day, but I don't think they're connected.

But we were talking about how smart people, there is a correlation with— There is. The science is there. It's true. Yeah. Smarter people can struggle more in love. Why are you laughing? Because I feel— Okay. it feels indulgent to say.

Like, it feels very, it feels a little cringy to say because you're talking about us. Like, we're saying we're smart. And the truth, okay, we are smart, but we're also not smart. Yeah, we're clearly not. Obviously. Just clearly. Like, we can't make this thing work that so many people have made work. So it doesn't mean if you're in a relationship, you're not smart. I just very much

want to be clear about that. But what you're saying is true. Also, a lot of it I think is age. And the older you get, the more you know what you like, the more you see quickly what you don't. I think that's really what it is. It's like a lack of wanting to get to know a person because you already know. And by the way, we do. That again sounds bad to say, but it's true. I feel that I, as a double Virgo, I think that's why I'm hypercritical of every single person who enters my life. I'm hypercritical of. I know in pretty much 12 minutes of being around a person,

all their strengths and all their weaknesses. You know what's wrong with them. I really do know what's wrong with them. And I really do know what's right. It's not just looking for the bad things. I just do think, and maybe this comes from actually more my childhood. I can hone in very quickly on what people need. Right. So that I could be that. Now I don't really need to be that for anyone.

But the practice is still there of so quickly, like fully understanding a person of, okay, this is who they are. This is what they like. This is what they don't like. This is what they need. This is what they don't know they need. I can do all of that very, very quickly. And then I do, right? So even with my friends, all my friends, it's that, like, All my friends. It's that. I know the whole thing. I know. Which is why I have a lot of close friends, but I don't have superfluous friends. I'm so uninterested. I'm very inspired by you in that respect. Well, you're a Pisces, so you're just swimming in the pool and you're just hanging out with a lot of the pool goers, you know. And I don't swim.

Wow. That's a very precise and perfect analogy. I don't even get in the fucking water. So, yeah, I have a lot of close friendships, but I don't have like habits. And I'm synchronized swimming in front of it, performing for everyone. Yeah. There's no better, Yeah. There's a better analogy. But yeah. So I pick people to be close with who I see the character defects that we all have. Yes. And I accept that because the other pieces are so great. Do you think that the character defects that you accept in your friends are the same that you accept in a partner or are your standards higher or different? They're different.

I don't know about higher, but I can have friends who I really love who maybe don't line up 100% on my values. And I think in a partner, I need it to line up more. What are the defects that you're willing to put up with? I feel like that's what I need to know going into meeting people because I think you're right. Everyone will have a character defect. Multiple, so many. Multiple, exactly. As we do. And it's knowing like, what can I tolerate in someone else that doesn't dysregulate me or that doesn't, again, trigger. For a long period of time.

Yes. That's the other. It's like, it's not just like a dinner. I mean, you're spending so much time with them. Yes. And I saw this amazing therapist talk about it where she was like, the 10% of a relationship that you don't like when you get married becomes 90%. Like that thing that you can't stand that shows up sometimes most likely will show up even more. Again, the more you build a life together, the more things you share. And the more everyone has their guard down. So of course,

like your worst parts are going to show up a little more. Yes. So it's knowing that I'm okay, not with being treated badly or whatever. But for me, like I know a non-negotiable, I keep thinking about it lately where I can't be around someone who's neurotic. I can have friends that are neurotic. I can have flings that are neurotic, but like day to day, because I have that tendency. And so you need someone grounding. Exactly. And so if someone is low on that end, like, I don't know what on the spectrum of of like what's the opposite of neuroticism, but maybe it's like being a little passive or being a little. Right. That I can tolerate actually.

I think that's really good for you to know, circling back to what we were talking about at the beginning, because that's a person who I think often you would probably write off. Oh, interesting. Because they're not, but they could come off boring and not sparkly. And we're attracted to sparkles. So it might be good for you to think about that. Like actually sparkly people come with a lot of neuroses often. That's true. So maybe I should go for boring.

Not boring. No one's really boring. Like that's the truth. Well, some people are. Some people are. Some people are. Some people are. That's fine.

And very exciting to someone else. It's all vibes. Like, it's— Not vibes. It's by being. Yeah, there's nothing objective about it. Right. It's just what's happening between two people.

Yes. Yes. What's one for me? A non-negotiable. I think I'm the opposite. I'm not passive at all. I don't think anyone would say that about me. And I have a lot of neuroses, but I don't know that it appears.

Well, you tell me. Does it come off as high stimuli? No. Your temperament is calm. Okay. So I think when somebody else is too calm, I'm like, I think they're a sociopath. Oh, interesting. I literally was going to bring it up.

Okay, how do we talk about it? I know, because I bumped into him yesterday. They're all over. We have to stop dating within our zip code. You did this, Liz. This is your fault. I blame you a little. He moved.

He was on the west side when this started. I did not encourage him to move. I want to talk about this in a way. I feel so bad for everyone who's ever in my life at all. You're going to come up on this show. And I guess you need to be a strong enough person to be able to handle that. Now, here's what I'll say. Someone tried to...

Oh, my God. How do I do this? But I really want to talk about it. Someone tried to reenter my life, and this person is wonderful. This is a nice, nice person. And they did everything right. I said like, you know, I have one foot in and so it's not fair to you. So I ended a thing. This person handled it great. All done with that. Right. Then they tried to reenter last week and they did it in an extremely nice way and not I want to date you again, but like, hey, let's be friends. And I was like, oh my God, I can't do it for so many reasons. What are the reasons?

Mainly what we just talked about. I don't make space for that. You don't have acquaintances. I don't. You only have close friends. And I have a lot of them and it's hard to pack it in with these friends and my life is busy.

And so I said so. You said no? Yeah. Whoa. I know. Tell me what you did. How did you phrase it? I did it in text. They sent a voice memo. I did not send a voice memo back. Okay. Let me read what I wrote. Okay. I wrote, hey there. Nice to hear from you. Hope you're well and have had a nice start to the year. As far as your message, my inclination is to say, yes, absolutely. let's be friends. But I also want to be honest and fair. And the truth is I have a ton going on and I'm a bit overwhelmed with my existing plate.

So realistically, I don't think I can commit to this. But I hope you are enjoying the neighborhood and I wish you the best. That's great. Smiley face. It's so great. And it's true. It's true.

Everything you said in there is literally true. Because, okay, I brought it up to a friend and I said, okay, I got this voice memo. And she said, just ignore it. And I was like, I'm not doing that. That's not a nice thing to do. It's also a cowardly thing to do. And I'd rather not. And if I run into this person, I want to be able to run into them and have it be just like, hi, I almost wrote, if I see you, I'll wave, but I'll keep walking. Oh, my God. I'm glad you did. That would have taken away all of the kindness.

If you see me, expect just a very quick wave, but no interaction. Don't stop. Yeah. Wow. I think that's really kind, and I think that was a really good decision because you're right. You probably will run into this person, and it will mean that it's not an awkward I'm gonna become agoraphobic I mean I have to say personally I have a lot of you run into your exes all the time even like this morning I ran into two and I went to my coffee shop for now but like some of them listen

to it now but like I went for like 50 minutes. I was like, actually, it's not even worth it. But sometimes I can't write at home. And so I have to go somewhere. And I was on a strict deadline because I needed to go to therapy and I needed to come here. And I was running out of time

because I kept running into men who are nice, but I'm not. Yeah, you're not interested. It's hard that they don't just evaporate. Like, I think that's, we wish that. It's such a self-centered way of thinking because it puts us literally at the center of the world and everyone else should disappear

when it's time for them to exit your life. But, you know, that's not how the world works. And I probably will run into him and it will be totally fine. Totally fine. And I'm happy that I said what I said. He also handled that great. That's why they say don't shit where you eat. Well, he didn't.

He did, like, on the other side. That was a betrayal. But Liz, that's why they say don't shit where you eat. But I don't even do it on purpose. I mean, I run into people. Synced is supported by Skims. Oh, we love Skims so much. The bras at this point, exclusive. It's all I'm wearing. So I yesterday finally threw out the other bra. I was like, I never wear the other bras. It's like there's no point. There's no point. There's no comparison because once you go Skims, you can't go back. Currently, I'm wearing the Fits Everybody

Unlined Demi Bra in Sienna. It's a good, it's a sexy bra. It is. But it's so comfortable. Well, that's the everything. Like everything they have, it just looks good and somehow it's more comfortable than anything else. I'm obsessed with the Fits Everybody Push-Up Bra in Onyx. It makes my boobs look twice as big. Like, it will double your cup size, which, like, sometimes you just want to— But it also looks natural. It's true.

It looks very natural. It's true. And again, we do not need to reiterate how different our boobs are and the fact that when they say Fits Everybody, it really does. Yes, it really does. It really does.

Shop Skims bras at Skims.com. Now available in 62 sizes, 30A to 46H. Plus, get free shipping on orders over $75. If you haven't yet, be sure to let them know we sent you. After you place your order, select podcast in the survey and select synced in the drop-down menu that follows. Support for synced comes from Curology. We did a whole episode on skincare. Yes. So, you know, we take it seriously. We really do. It's important.

I mean, there's so many things that are important for it. Anti-aging, acne. Literally, your skin is the first, like, your face is the first thing people see. And it's, like, unfortunate, but it's true. So, your confidence can get, mine gets shattered. I mean, it is just like, it is awful if something's going out with my face from breaking out. What I love about Curology is that it makes personalized prescription skincare products that are made for you. So you're not wasting money on products that aren't right for your

skin that will make you break out or make your skin actually worse or work really well for someone else or some influencer. But then when you put it on your skin, you're like, I can't even use the amount of money I've spent testing things out that don't work. It's such a great way to save money to be using products that are really designed for your skin. For a limited time, you can get your first Curology skincare box for just five bucks. When you go to Curology.com slash synced, go to Curology.com slash synced for this free offer. That's Curology, C-U-R-O-L-O-G-Y.com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D. Trial is 30 days, applies only to to your first box. Subject to consultation. New subscribers only. Do you think that, okay, do you think that this happens to men?

Well, it's happening to them. They're running into you. But do you think that they don't care? They don't care. We are like, oh my God, I'm going to hurt. They don't care. I know. They don't care.. We are like, oh my God, I'm going to hurt. They don't care. I know. They don't care.

They're just like, oh, this girl I'm not into? It happened to me in my old neighborhood in Chicago. Oh, yeah? What happened? I was dating Natalie, where there was like two baristas and a bartender. Oh, right. And I was like, all right, this is not. And they would want more with you than you. But did you keep going back there to their spots?

No, I just stopped going there. Oh, yeah. and it ruined a bunch of spots that i like it does there's like a whole episode of how i met your mother on this you can't date people who work at the place that you like to eat but that's where you're also meeting meeting people i know it's hard but then yesterday i was sitting there and i there was a cute guy i'm gonna i'm on a roll lately at this coffee shop. I have been like, do the baristas think that I'm just… Stalking them? No, that I go there to meet people.

But I'm actually just always trying to work. But it's a hot spot. Two in one. So there's a barista you're interested in a little bit? No, no, no, no. None of them work there. Thank God. Oh.

No, no, no. It's all other customers. I see. I see. But… Oh, the reason I brought this up is because this person, this very, very nice person has a very calm energy and that's going to be so perfect for someone. And I think for me, it's just not the right energy for me. There's nothing for you to latch on to. It's

almost like two. What's that mechanism? I'm doing a lot of things on my hand. Hydraulics? No, like, you know, in two wheels, they go like. Oh, a cog. Like, they go into each other's things. And then they roll. Is that a TikTok? No, it's like, I mean, how a clock works. A cog in a machine. Yeah.

Like a gear? Yeah, a gear. Oh, a gear. They go into each other's things and then they work. But if they both, it's like. I wish people could see what you're doing with your hands right now. It doesn't. Yeah, it's not. I wish people could see what you're doing with their hands right now. It doesn't. Yeah, it's not clicking.

It's not clicking. That's actually the way simpler way of saying it. Things need to click. It doesn't click. And it's, again, not about an objective thing. Like, some people fucking love apples. Some people love oranges. I hate apples.

And orange. Oh, you like both? I actually don't like fruit. Anyway. I also. Fruit. I hate apples. And orange. Oh, you like both? I actually don't like fruit. I also, fruit, I prefer vegetables. Take or leave. It doesn't have a purpose. If I'm going to have something sweet, like I'm going to have cake. Chocolate. It's like, why would I have a healthy version? I know. And then you always have to clean it. That's my big issue is I hate to clean the fruit or peel it. Like there's always something to do before you eat it. Except an apple. I mean, I guess you do have to clean the apple.

Yeah, you have to clean it. And there are sometimes worms in there. Did you hear about the orange peel theory? Oh my God, yes. Tell people though, because I have a story about it. Tell people. Oh, great. So the orange peel theory, I don't subscribe to it.

The orange peel theory is that women have been doing this on TikTok where they will be in the vicinity of their boyfriend or husband and they'll say like, oh, I really want an orange. And then the boyfriend will be like, well, have one. And then they say,

oh, but I just don't feel like peeling it. And then they wait and they hide the camera to see if the guy will peel the orange for them. I hate this. I think it's like so anti-feminist, honestly. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Like, are you going to take care of me by peeling this orange? I don't like it. Right. However, we were at the Richardson's house and our friend Laura was telling us about this theory and Kristen and Dax were there,

but Dax was not in the room. And Kristen was like, Dax would never peel an orange for me. And we were like, yes, he would. Yes, he would. And she was like, no. And I could actually see it going either way with him. His spidey senses would go up. Kind of, why can't you just do this yourself?

Why are you putting me out? That type of thing, which is, like, old for him. So I was like, this could go either way. A couple people were like, he definitely would. And then Kristen was like, absolutely not. So Laura gave her the orange, and then he comes back in. Oh, and Eric bet Kristen, like, $1,000. Eric bets on everything.

It's his favorite thing to do. He's, like like dying to make bets. Maybe it was a hundred, but he bet her that he would do it. And so Kristen had this little clementine or something. Dax comes and sits down and he's not next to her. Like he's across the table or whatever. And she's such a good actress. She just walks up as if she's like going to go to the kitchen or something. She's like walks up and hands it to him. And she's like, will you peel this? And then he just like takes it and starts peeling it immediately. And Eric said to Dax, are you going to eat that? Do you like oranges?

Like he like said something. And he was like, no, it's for Kristen. And he was like, why are you peeling that? And he said, because my bride wants an orange. That was really sweet. And he said, because my bride wants an orange. It was really sweet. And he said, I actually hate peeling oranges. It was very sweet. And then he was like, yeah, you owe me $100. That's so sweet. I know. It was really, really kind. My bride wants an orange. I mean, it's like, I think Kristen did it right, but also wrong. Because I think you're not supposed to directly.

I think it's kind of a bid. You know, they call it bids for attention. So passive aggressive. Yes. I think Kristen's approach to it is healthier. Because if you ask your partner to support you or help you, will they do it? And if they don't. Well, there could be a reason.

Or again, just their response is probably revealing. It might be revealing of a certain mood that they're in and maybe not their character. But it's still interesting. But the women in the video, it's just like, but you're right that it's a little more Danzel in distress. Yes. Of like, I want an orange. I just don't want to peel it.

It feels a little childish. In hopes that they'll do something for you. That they'll figure out what you need. Yes. And like do it without you asking. Yeah. This is bad yeah yeah yeah there was another one with like ketchup what's that i think you just put a bunch

of ketchup like literally on the counter like not even you spill it you spill it on purpose and then you ask them to clean it up i might be getting it wrong but that's and then a bunch of lesbians were like straight people are not okay like like they they were like, I'm on straight TikTok and, like, you guys need to get some help. Yeah. Because why are you testing? Testing of the love. This is bad. Orna would say that's bad.

Any keeping of points. Exactly. The tally is not good. Is not a good idea. All right. Do you have any other non-negotiables? Oh. I'm sure you do. I mean, we all idea. All right. Do you have any other non-negotiables? Oh. I'm sure you do.

I mean, we all do. I do. What was your non-negotiable, Rob, before Natalie? Was there anything she had that you were like, that's a non-negotiable, but then she entered your life and like, oh, actually, I don't care. That's what I want to know. Yeah. Good question. Happy belated Valentine's.

Yeah. Now you have to. Well, it was like drug use. I didn't love that in a partner. Happy belated Valentine's. Yeah. Now you have to. Well, it was like drug use. I didn't love that in a partner. And she was more free with that. Right. Okay.

But you were like, look, I love this person. So I guess I'm going to be okay with it. Or were you like, I'm going to talk to her about it and tell her she's not allowed to do that. Yeah. No, no. I wish I had a partner who didn't do drugs yeah yeah exactly but yeah but also i'm sure you got to understand her motivation or the associations that you had with it were not what she was again she's not an addict or right you get to know a person and you it can change. Okay, that's interesting. I like that possibility.

Me too. We learned a lot. Yeah, we did. Okay, we're going to get into some questions. Yeah, let's do it. Oh, I like this. I have this question. Ooh.

They're good. Oh, these are good. Okay. How do I accept a drink from a guy at the bar without having to entertain them in conversation? This is from Monica. No, no, I'm kidding. It's from Carolina or Carolina. I like that name.

Yeah, it's beautiful. I'm newly single and a friend of mine who is also single has been inviting me out to the bars in New York City. I had a guy approach me because my drink was empty and he offered to buy me a round. I said yes at first, but ultimately decided to turn the drink down because if I said yes, then the guy would expect me to entertain him in conversation and I just wasn't interested in him. So I told him if it's okay, I was leaving anyways and he didn't have to, but thanked him for the offer. Is it okay to accept free drinks and not have to entertain the guy who bought it? I appreciate the advice, ladies. Thank you for starting this new pod. It sounds like I'm listening to my friends talk and it brings a little joy to my week when I listen. Wow. I want to be able to accept drinks and never talk.

That's the dream. But I think you just have to not accept it, right? I think she did the right thing. Yes. I think if the drink has already been bought and be careful because, you know, that is a whole thing. When I look back at my early 20s, I feel like I've done that, which again, I probably wouldn't do now if someone just like handing you a drink. But I have accepted drinks when it's just like it's coming from the guy over there or here's a drink. You look cool. Like I don't recommend that for safety reasons anymore. But if someone is clearly not your cup of tea and you know you're not going to want to engage with them, I just would spend the $11 on your own drink. Well, I know, but it's like,

how do you have the interaction? So let's role play. Okay, got it. Ready? Do I have to? Of course. Okay. You are going to be you who doesn't really want my advances. Okay, got it. Okay, got it. Hey. Oh. Oh. I'm already grossed out. Oh. Ew. I love your shirt. Thanks. Where's it from? Can I try on your jacket?

Sure. As a friend. No. No. No. It still gives me goosebumps. Also, a woman talked about my coat yesterday while grocery shopping, and I didn't ask her if she wanted to try it on for the first time.

Because you're afraid she's going to smell it. Okay, I'm redoing it. I just wanted to smell your coat. Okay. Oh, hey, I see you're finished with your drink. Can I get you another one? Oh, no. She'll have a cranberry vodka.

No, I don't like that drink at all. But I really appreciate you offering, but I'm so good. at all but I really appreciate you offering but I'm so good that's I would like that my mom passed a couple days ago and I I just you look a lot like her oh and you have like a really nice energy like she did I wonder if we can chat a little bit thanks I'm so sorry to hear about your mom yes she was the only everyone else is also dead my my life. Oh, wow. So it was my last remaining relative. Oh, wow. I'm so sorry to hear that. Am I seated next to you?

Yeah. You're at the bar and there's nowhere else to go. There's nowhere else to go. So I'm stuck in a conversation with this person. Well, it's up to you. Okay, got it. But I can't leave. You could leave the bar, I guess.

Okay. Oh, no. Okay, how about in this scenario? You're handcuffed to the bar? You're waiting for your friend. Oh, okay. Let's How about in this scenario? Your handcuff to the bar? You're waiting for your friend. Oh, okay. Let's do that. You're waiting for your friend to come. Oh, so now he's smelling my- No, no. He's sniffling. This is now a sniffle. Oh, he's crying. Okay. Got it. Got it. Got it. Honestly, if this guy's not making me feel like uncomfortable,

am I not making you feel uncomfortable, Liz? Oh. How is this person not making you feel uncomfortable liz oh how is this person not making you feel uncomfortable but his mom died and i think he's lying i think oh he's lying well probably you don't know fake crocodile tears what a pickup line do men think that works listen listen we're getting off track how are you gonna deny the drink okay i'm so sorry to hear about your mom. I'm good. I really like to get my own drinks, but I really appreciate the sentiment. Okay. And I wish you the best. Can I get your number? No.

I would at this point, because I feel bad that his mom died, would invent an imaginary boyfriend and use that. I'd be like, well, my boyfriend wouldn't be very happy about me giving away my number. Oh, shit. That's what I would say. Okay. Just not to hurt his feelings. Which, again, there's women who there's women who are gonna be like oh my god you don't need to coddle him or whatever but that interaction would be easier for me to just use a fake I get that you know okay I like what you said in there I like to buy my own drinks that was a good thing that came

out of this role play I think that's a good line we could say it's just like oh I really appreciate it I actually just like buying my own drinks yeah Yeah. But thank you. Hope you have a great day. I feel like that's such a move. And again, I think it's a good move. I think it's a classy move, but I feel like that doesn't happen anymore. I don't think it's a classy move anymore because there's weird connotations. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Continations. I know. Yes, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Continations. I know.

I said, Continations. I really got tripped up on that too because you said it right and then I was in my head thinking about it. Connotations. Yes, but you're right.

And that's maybe why guys don't do it. I would probably never drink a drink anymore that came to me from a drink. Oh, except at Mirate, I did have a drink that an armcherry sent. When armcherrys send drinks, I do drink them. Well, the bartender's bringing it too. If it's like him coming up to you with the drink, that's Mirate.

That's right. But in this role play, we were both at the bar. So we did know actually it wasn't fucked up because he says cranberry vodka. So he's not then bringing it. We're there. Right, right. So it's not going to be like roofied, but I think it's still like,

oh, that's such a nice offer. I think I'm just going to buy my own, but thank you. Yeah, and I think like this came from the gentleman at the bar. I feel like that's a classy, like you can drink that. This did happen to me in New York once now that we're talking about it.

And I did not like it. The bartender brought it. And then I was like, do I have to walk across this? No. It was at Bemelman's too. It's like packed. You bartender brought it. And then I was like, do I have to walk across this? No. It was at Bemelman's too. It's like packed. You're not, if you get up, maybe your seat gets taken.

And I didn't know what to do. Then eventually he came over to me and I was like, thank you so much. That was so nice. And then he kept asking me to come to the table, his table. And I was like, no, I'm good. And then I also lied. I was like, I'm waiting for a friend. He was like, oh, when your friend gets here, you should come over.

Until she, like, he kept doing it. And then he went back to his seat. He came back around. I was like, this drink, no. But it had already come. I remember when Virgin Airlines announced, this was like, I want to say eight or nine years ago. But they, out of the blue, were like, now you can send drinks to another passenger. And I actually wrote an article and I was like, this is so, it's so weird. Because then you're on a plane. You can't get away. It's weird. Send a note. Yeah, send it. I think this

is my answer to a lot of things and it sucks, but sometimes you have to be a little mean. If people are not getting it, be firm. You have to be firm. And then sometimes you have to be mean. Like first it's nice, then it's firm. Then it's like, I'm not interested. I think if you're not interested, you don't accept the drink. You say you're going to buy your own, but thank you. And if it just gets sent over, I think you have no obligation. And don't worry. It's almost better also just go up to the person. I'm talking from the perspective of like instead of sending a drink.

Again, it can be a classy move, but it can, to your point, be a little bit like… And just go up to them. And then there's not this weird transaction that's been added to it. Yeah. That adds weight and awkwardness. Okay. Support for Synced comes from ZocDoc. We love ZocDoc. Yeah. And everyone is sick right now. Yes, that's true. That's true. That's true. It's such a great tool to be able to like,

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That's Z-O-C-D-O-C dot com slash synced. ZocDoc.com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D. Y-N-C-E-D. Okay, this is a good one. Okay. How do I ask my fiancé for a prenup? This is from Katie. Hi, Monica and Liz.

My Wednesdays aren't complete without listening to Synced. I'm wondering if you have any advice for asking my fiancé for a prenup. I have worked really hard to be successful in my career, and soon after we get married, we'll be making approximately 10 times more than my partner. Whoa. Good for you. Similar to what Monica has mentioned, I don't care what my partner does or how much he makes as long as he's doing something he finds fulfilling. However, I worry about the income difference should anything, i.e. divorce, happen down the line. Whenever I have brought up a prenup, albeit casually, my partner gets defensive and wonders why we would need one and insinuates we are destined for divorce if we start planning like that now. I just want to keep myself safe given all the years of hard work I have put into my career and the horror stories

of other successful women going through that process. I appreciate any advice. Thanks. Oh, Katie, first of all, congrats on your awesome career and life that you built. You're getting a prenup. Yeah. If that's the differential, life is fucking long. We don't know what's going to happen. And I think a way to do it, it seems like you kind of did this, but I think you should reiterate this is about my safety. It's not about us or this relationship or this marriage. It's about my own financial planning and safety, making it again about you and like your needs and wants as opposed to like, well, we might get divorced. I would try not to use the

word divorce, even though it's obvious when you're talking about this, but hell no. I am not getting married without a prenup. There's to me like a flag of a person that's like resistant to it. I feel like that's weird. That to me is more indicative of we might get divorced. And why you want a prenup. Yes. There's nothing sexy about a prenup, but marriage is also a contract. It is. Yes, it's about love and it's about feelings and commitment, but it's also a contract you make with someone in law. It's a document. And so a prenup, similarly, is also just part of making sure that that contract honors the both of you. And also he might get rich. He doesn't know what's going to happen to him. You both don't know what's going to happen in the future. And I don't know what

state she lives in, but the different states have such different rules for this. And in California, I assume it's the whole state. If you don't have one, it is a 50-50 split. And I know people who have gotten so fucked from this. And so, no. But again, how to approach it, I think, is you making it about, I've worked so hard. And this has been a personal goal of mine. I don't know if you should say like before. Well, it's that she can't be safe in a relationship if she's not feeling safe as a person, right? I would divorce it. Oh my God, divorce it from love and feelings. Exactly.

It's an agreement. You know, it's just hard when one person's making it about love and feelings and the other person is making it about. I would push back on that sort of emotional language, you know, and say, can we put on our not work hats? It's not a work conversation, but this is the foundation upon which we build our amazing feelings and love and all of that. But we need a solid infrastructure. And safety. I like what you said. I think in order for me to feel safe here, I have to feel safe on my own. And that's, that means having this.

Yeah. But it's hard. Like I was in a relationship with this guy that would use any kind of money. Yeah. Money conversations became a proof of love or like evidence of love. And it was, I don't think this is what's happening in this relationship, but it was a way to control me. Money is often. And to guilt trip me, I mean, one of the things he literally believed was that we cannot have separate bank accounts. So I can't have my own bank account and that his debt is my debt. So he had like a six figure, like he had like so much debt from like going to school and just decisions, his own financial decisions.

We had very different relationships with money. We both came from the same sort of bracket, but the way that he used money and spent money was very different. And I just remember resisting and pushing back and feeling this feeling that she's probably feeling in her gut, which is like, this is wrong. But then he would say, no, if you love me, like that's what that's what married people do. And my dad was like, absolutely not. Like that's again, that's not a proof of love. It's, you know, common sense. So it's important not to let that emotional language sort of guilt you into making a

decision that's not common sense. No, yes. That's a good point. If you get married, how do you think you'll do the money? It's hard. Money is one of the biggest reasons for fights. Children and money. Children and money. I think that from what I have gathered, I think you have your own bank account and then you have a joint bank account.

That's what I think. And you use a joint bank account for joint. And do you think you put in, like for me, I think my ideal would be a percentage goes into the joint bank account. Oh, interesting. If you have kids. They're so expensive. And I don't know that it's fair to ask for equal parts because that's not the same for one person. But percentages are the same.

That's smart. That's my thought. I don't know if that in practicality would work. If the percentages add up to enough. Yeah. I've never been married, but in long-term relationships, the ebbs and flows of it, when one person's doing much better and like there's informal switching. And again, yeah, now she's making so much money and he's not, but we don't know. We don't know what will happen. And maybe that's something to say. Yeah. Maybe in the conversation is, look, right now it feels like there's this imbalance,

but we don't know what's going to happen in the future. And you need to be protected too. Did Ali Wong talk about this in her special that she had a prenup? I might be getting this wrong, but I feel like she had a prenup because she was like a struggling-ish comic and then got so big.

And she kind of jokes about the fact that they had a prenup to protect her husband. But then it kind of ended up. Well, Dax talks about this a lot because he wanted one. I think if I remember this correctly. Or in his head, he was like, we should get one. And at that time, he was making a lot more money than Kristen. And I don't think she wanted one. And so he was like, you know, I won't.

And it was like a big concession for him. And then he's like, it all worked out for me because then she ended up making so much money. You never know. Yeah, you never know. But in this case, you need to protect yourself and you need this. Yeah.

Okay, let's see. Let me see if we can do one more quickie. Oh, oh oh man summer okay let's try this this is called friendship with strings attached this is from eloise dear liz and monica i have a few friends who are creatives artists and coaches i've run into the problem of having to decide how much to support their work for example one of them recently told me that it would mean a lot to her if i attended a workshop series she was running on a subject that wasn't of particular interest to me. This workshop runs for a month, two hours a week, and it also costs to attend. Another friend offers free intro sessions for working with her, but I just know

she means to turn it into an ongoing coaching relationship. How do I find the line between supporting my friends with their creative and business endeavors and not going broke or spending my time on things I don't truly value? I don't want to let them down, but I'm also uncomfortable that they reach out to me about this stuff. It is uncomfortable. I have a hard line on this. Okay, let's hear it. It's a no, no, no, no. Your friends should definitely support you and you should feel supported by your friends. Your friends should definitely support you and you should feel supported by your friends. But if your business requires your friend's money, it's not a sustainable business. And it's not actually helpful to your friend to create a model that requires you.

You know what I mean? Yeah. I've experienced this and that's why I'm like so opinionated about it. Yeah. Because I guilted myself into it. I've done things that are beyond like not to project on this person, but often it's not just of this. And I was building my move around doing a free like appearance at one of her events that she required her friends to be a part of and to be part of her business model. We sort of realized as her friends was us being there and contributing in very important ways that were pivotal to the business actually

functioning. And it's so generous of you to want to support them. I think that there are so many ways that you can support them emotionally. That's what friends are for. They're not there to support your business. No, and it doesn't actually help them create a sustainable business if you're always there to save them from having to do the math and to do the appropriate actions in order to build something that can last without their friends footing the bill. Also, what kind of friendship is that going to be? It's never going to be a fruitful friendship if you feel like you're paying to be in it, like that it's literally costing you. It should be in it. Like, that it's literally costing you. It should be a bonus. When people listen to our show, when people subscribe to my sub stack,

it does feel amazing. But it's not a requirement to be my friend. Absolutely not. And it's not an expectation. And Anthony, you don't have to listen to this. But I just don't want to know why this.

Yes. All circles back. It always comes back to Anthony. But yeah, no. Don't feel guilty. Don't feel guilty. Also, it's not fair. These ass are not fair. Why are so many people doing this to you? I was going to say that too. That might be something

to look inward because they're probably doing it to a lot of people. They're not just, it's not, you're the problem, but you're entertaining these asks. Most people probably just like, no, can't or like, cool. Maybe that can be the answer. It can be kind, but noncommittal. You can just say, I can't commit that kind of time, but I think it's so awesome what you're doing. Keep me updated on how it goes. Again, that's the emotional support. You want to know about it.

You want to be involved in her journey with it, but you don't have to go to anything that's two hours a week. But it costs money. Absolutely not. No. Some of my friends will do things I'm genuinely like, oh, I love this yoga class. So like, I'll, you know, I want to go like that's different. We have a friend who is a Pilates instructor. It's fun to go to her class, like, but there's

no obligation and there's never, ever been one. And in this case for her, like it, it would be nice if all her friends went to every single class, she doesn't expect that you can't it's not it's not friendship i think that's i'm very wary of that actually i think people who are really kind can be targets oh god eloise is probably a pisces she's in the pool she's in it she's bringing drinks to be in the pool and feels responsible right and again it's very kind it's very sweet And I wish I could buy all of my friend's stuff and read all their, you know, that's a beautiful feeling. If you want to, it's not a take. The reason you're writing in is because it feels like it's an ask and a take. And so that in itself is the answer. Exactly. Wow. Well, that was that. Great questions. Really good. We have even more. I love these.

We'll get to more next week. Thank you guys so much for listening. What do I want to say? What do we hope for our listeners this week? Oh, that's a good question. My hope is that everyone has easy bowel movements. Oh. No constipation and no diarrhea. Wow. I want to follow up on that, plus one that,

that I hope there's no emotional constipation. I hope that there's ease with the flow of feelings and they go in and they go out and it's a cycle of life. Cycle of life. Contonation. Your bowels feel like your feelings. Flowing freely. All right.

Well, we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.