Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: The Recital

Episode Date: February 14, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz perform their 'hot girl hobby' challenges, they discuss misplaced anger on the internet, and question if taking a pen is considered stealing. They answer listener questions on whether one should buy gifts for others when it's not reciprocated and how to help a friend who unknowingly struggles with how to apply makeup. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

You have anxiety over your performance, your concert. I do. Oh, God. And so, like, the amount of cameras and high tech. Like, Rob has 400 masks on because he's sick, but he still came in, too. Yeah, because we needed to set up the guitar. Normally, this is, like, the most high-tech day of all. This is what he sets up when, like, Nora Jones comes.

This is insane. I really feel uncomfortable with this. All right, can you play just the guitar? I can really hear the guitar. Is that how... I don't play very hard. That sounds good. Is that how you want it, though, in your ears?

It's kind of loud, but I like... Yeah, it's good. You could take the headphones off for your song if that's going to be annoying. Yeah. But people... Rihanna wears headphones. She does?

Okay, then I'll do it that way. She did when she came here. And did the same thing. Oh, I hate this. How do you feel? Talk about your nerves about— Okay. So, I feel guilty.

Oh. Because I did this last night. I came home from a trip yesterday on the plane. But I tend to procrastinate, especially with writing. Everyone does. Yes. Unlike you, I'm not learning a new skill. Right.

But I kind of thought about it for the past couple months, or whatever, a month. I guess a month once we assigned this horrible challenge to ourselves. Like, when am I going to seize the day? What's it going to be? What am I going to do? And I just like ponder but then it it evaporates and I stopped thinking about it and so yesterday I was on my plane ride home I want to know about your trip yeah we'll talk about the trip after and I had like 20 minutes

left in the flight and I opened my notes app and I started like doing a couple notes to get some ideas then I sent it to myself and then then I was like, when I get home, I'll do it. I'll get it done. I just did everything else I could possibly do. Deep clean. Deep clean. Up your apartment. Call your mom. I looked up the best songs of all time, the 500 best songs of all time, according to Rolling Stone. 500 best songs of all time according to Rolling Stone.

And the website was so annoying and slow. And so it took me so long to be able to get to all 500. But I did. And then when I was done, I was about to text you to check in on your progress and also to say, should we not do it? I would have loved to get that. But then I said, no, we can't. We said we were going to do something and we have to do it. You're right. This is the upside of challenges, especially public ones you have to deliver. It's true. So then I started it last night, you know, using my

notes. And then one thing I feel like we should have maybe discussed was a word requirement. I didn't really know how long it was supposed to be. Okay. It's not that long. I think that's great. I played around a little bit with mine too. I got a little creative. I didn't know if I had to do a full song or I had to do, so I put a spin on it. Oh my God, you put a spin. I did. Okay, so how are you feeling from, this is the question I asked you on the very first episode of Race to 35. Oh. How are you feeling nerves wise from zero to 10? That's actually a good thing to think about because I'm less nervous than when we did our shots for the first time. I mean, this is going to be painful, but there's no, yeah, no one's

hurting me. It's a 10 though. Like, but I came in and I told Rob, I was like, I kind of miss feeling bad at something, right? Or doing something for the first time. Yes. It's like, truly, I'm, I know I'm not great at and just kind of trying. I'm so proud of you. You haven't done it and it doesn't even matter what you do. It's a big deal that you're doing this. I'm really impressed. I could never do it. I mean, again, shout out to my roommate for tolerating. Do you want to do a little acceptance speech? Yeah, you know.

Before you play. Yeah, I want to thank my next door neighbors that definitely have been wondering what I've been doing. My roommate who has been supportive throughout this. And obviously you for giving me the space. The space. I have a question. Do you think people listening right now are like with the covers over their face?

Like they're so anxious. If I was a listener, I mean, I am a listener to be fair. I'm about to listen to you do this. And for me too, like listening to something somebody wrote, there could be an ick. Because you're trying.

That's what the ick is, which I don't— We need to get away from that. I know. Trying is good. Trying is good. We live in a world where we just so rarely have to put ourselves out there and be scared and vulnerable because in all our pictures, we just like filter them. And it's such a filtered world. That's true.

And this is not. There's no, I wish I could put a filter on my voice and my skills. Now, I assume you want to go first, yeah? Or not? Maybe you go. You want me to go first? Yes. Are you sure? I don't want to do this. So I will find any reason to delay it.

Okay. So that's how you, see people have two MOs for this. If they are dreading something so badly, they want to get it out of the way. They just want to be done with it. Or they go last. I think I'm normally someone who likes to go last. Oh, me too. And just wait for every other person to do it. You know, there's a study about this that they tell people, I'll give you a bigger shock, but give it to you now, or I'll give you a slighter shock, and it's going to come in the next 10 minutes, and people choose the bigger shock now. Because you don't know when it's coming. You don't know when it's coming, and the anticipation of the pain is worse than the actual pain. So maybe I should just go first. Maybe I should just... Okay. I'm just going to do it. I'm just going to do it. Okay. Ow.

Oh, God. Do you want me to look at you or look away? I'm not going to make eye contact. Okay. But also because I have to look down at my nose. Okay, perfect. Oh, this is really exciting. This is a month coming.

I feel like I'm like 11 and I'm about to play at a recital in front of my mom. I know. I feel like that. But remember how supportive moms are. It's true. There are moms listening. There are. I'm going to think about them.

Oh, I don't. I can You cut this out by like, blah. Okay. Oh, God. This is like how you were acting before you tried chicken. For the first time. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. I'm doing it. Okay. Moms do this. They film their children. They do, they do. Okay. Nice to meet you, where you've been.

I can show you incredible things. Magic, madness, heaven. Sin saw you there and I thought, oh my look at that face oh my god i'm so nervous you look like my next mistake loves a game wanna play new money suit and tie i can read you like a magazine ain't it funny? Rumors fly, and I know you heard about me. So hey, let's be friends. I'm dying to see. I didn't even tell you what song I was playing.

But yeah, I'm taking a sad version of Plane Space. Let's be friends. I'm dying to see how this one ends. Grab your passport in my hand. I can make the bad guys good for a weekend. So it's going to be forever. Or it's going to go down in flames. Ooh. Got a long list. The D minor's always hard for me.

lovers they'll tell you i'm insane because you know i love the players and you love the game because we're young and reckless we'll take this way too far it'll leave you breathless or with a nasty scar got a long list of ex-lovers they'll tell you I'm insane. Because I've got a blank space, baby. I'll write your name. Okay, this is the part that I like. This is great. Right. Okay. Okay, you ready?

Yeah. Perfect hips, pretty eyes. She could show you incredible things. Prada pants, small in size. You're the king, baby. She could show you incredible things. Prada pants. Small in size. You're the king, baby. She's your queen. Find out what she wants. Be that boy for a month.

Wait, the best is yet to come. Smart, stunning, witty jokes. She can make all the earbuds turn. Rose garden filled with awards. Keep you second guessing like, oh my God. Oh, my God. There's going to be no one else. She can tell you when it's over. Oh, no one else. She can tell you when it's over. Oh no.

Yes. She can tell you when it's over. If the cuffling was worth the pain. There's just no better person who's quite as dazzling. And you know she has a blank space, baby. And her dad will write your name. Oh my God. This is so sweet. He'll write your name. Oh my God, this is so sweet. He'll write your name.

He'll write your name. He'll write your name. Monica's dad will write your name. Yay, Liz! Oh my God, I'm like shaking. You did it! I forgot to breathe. Oh my God. It's just like the whole point.

That was amazing. Wow. I only started writing your part three days ago because I was like, I want this to be fun. That was so fun and special. And you just did the hardest thing in the whole world. I did it. So now I can do anything.

You can do anything. That was exciting. No one's ever written a song about me. Really? Yeah. Oh my God. It was so fun. How do you feel?

I'm really glad it's over. I would like us to like not put it in the episode. Okay. But we will. Okay. But I feel relieved. Good. And do you feel proud of yourself yeah i guess i wish it was more emphatic okay that is hard what you just did it's something i'm trying to do more uh like savor moments and like savor wins because usually i'll

just like i'm like keep going yeah but you're right. I am proud of myself. Good. I'm so happy. Yay. Thanks, Rob, for coming, being so sick and coming just for this. Do you think she did a good job? Better than I expected. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. Better than expected.

And, wow, I mean, you were great on the guitar. I was kind of so focused on the… It's an easy song, yeah. I chose kind of a simple, easy one. Still, don't dismiss it. You played the guitar, you sang, and you wrote a song. Thanks. Wow.

That's big. Thanks for listening. I'm very proud. I'm a proud mom. I loved when you were filming with your phone. It made me feel safe. I couldn't see your face. I just saw a giant

phone in my face oh you feel safe even though there's six cameras oh man great great great job wow i wish i had gone first because this is gonna be disappointing no don't say that you're an amazing fucking writer this can be great and it's also hard to rethink. This is embarrassing. Dude, I write. Like, literally, I'm a writer. And, like, I've never read my writing out loud. Like, this is hard. Okay.

Okay. You ready? No, now you're going to do it. Oh, my God. Now I'm so nervous. This is crazy. It's nerve-wracking. I feel like I'm sweating.

I never sweat. I'm sweating all over the place. I, like, forgot to breathe. You can do it. You'll be great. Okay. Seize the day. She was Asian.

She being the 15-year-old girl who had a seizure in the middle of the cafeteria of my high school. I wasn't sure of her specific ethnicity because this occurred during a time in my life where an acknowledging other people's race would have meant acknowledging my own. And this was a non-starter, both for survival and also because at the time, I was reserving my critical thinking skills for whether Ross and Rachel were on a break. I will never forget what it looked like, the seizure. Actually, as I write this, I realize I, in fact, have forgotten what it looked like. I only remember that it was yucky and that multiple teachers who were at the time younger than my current age were dealing with this crisis in the best way they knew how, which is to say very badly and with zero tact and minimal grace.

I have a vague memory of the physics teacher screaming, grab her tongue, while slowly backing away into the double doors. Upon hearing this non-medical call to action, a few teachers feigned a sad attempt to grab the tongue, but they never succeeded because of two obvious reasons, bites and slobber. The entire event was very scary, and at the time, it was the most shocking thing I'd ever seen a body do. This is because I was a late bloomer and had not yet seen a man ejaculate. I distinctly remember thinking if she ended up okay, she would surely regret having survived this in a room full of teenagers. I considered asking the lunch lady, the most senior member of the cafeteria, if I could switch lunch periods so I would never have to cross paths with this unpredictable little shaker ever again.

For her sake, it seemed the most thoughtful thing to do was fully abandon her. I don't remember seeing that seizure girl again, though every two or three years I'll text my best friend Callie for confirmation. Do you remember that seizure girl? She always says, yeah. She's good at replying with an efficient truth. We were next to each other during the incident, a moment that likely solidified our lifelong friendship. Experiencing that degree of secondhand embarrassment is an unparalleled trauma bond. After some time, high school came to an end, college commenced, I played mustard seed in the theater department's rendition of A Midsummer Night's Dream. Callie came to support me. I made friends with the girl who had the whitest skin and bluest eyes. She was the type of person who

was so striking, she had to pretend to be weird in order to present more complex. She was great. I graduated, moved to Los Angeles, worked at SoulCycle, and continued to think about whether Ross and Rachel were on a break. And then sometime after that, I had a seizure myself. I, too, am Asian. If you have a problem with this statement, I suggest you take it up with the Department of Education, an organization that required me to shade the bubble next to Asian on so many standardized tests I eventually internalized it. But it was a long journey there. One of my core memories is the first time that Scantron hit my desk in first grade.

We were told it was a test every first grader had to take in the whole county. What's a county, I thought. I hope that's not a question on the test. It wasn't. In fact, the test was quite easy and, well, standard. The hardest question on the test was, what is your race? I knew my family was from India, but it wasn't an option. Hmm, my first run-in with trick questions. I tried to cheat off my neighbor, but we had those shame-inducing wooden dividers meant to microaggress all the first-grade cheaters, of which I was one.

I finished the whole test answering how many apples Sally had if she started with six, ate one, and gave two to her brother Davey, but I kept returning back to that one original doozy of a question. What are you? Changing my answer multiple times. While I initially filled out white because goals, upon rereading the question, it was what are you, not what do you want to be? Black? Maybe. I seem closer to black and coloring than to white. What a puzzle. I raised my hand and asked the proctor, excuse me, what am I supposed to put here?

I know white is the best, but I'm a reformed cheater and working on being more honest, so I'm afraid I can't pick that one. This is a common trait of people who are oppressed. They take on the opinions of their oppressors. In this case, I was being oppressed by both white society and the non-cheaters of America. I didn't have a chance. The geriatric 28-year-old Proctor needed this conversation to be over, so she said, um, just put whatever's closest. Then I saw it. How dumb was I? According to my dad, I was not dumb, just careless. Okay, so how careless was I? Very.

The right answer was right there the whole time. American Indian. That's me. I'm both American and Indian. A box just for me. I enthusiastically colored in the box with so much gusto the Scantron ripped. Rookie mistake. But worth the validation of my identity.

I continued to bubble in American Indian for the next five years. At some point in middle school, dots not feathers entered my purview, and I started to question everything. One night, as I was getting ready for bed and feeding my rip-off tamagotchi, I asked my dad if we were American Indians. I could see on his face he feared he might have spoken prematurely on me being careless, not dumb. He explained the situation, leaving out the graphic details of the indigenous people, because neither him nor I are fans of gory movies. And while I was happy to have this cleared up, the big, what are you, test question remained unanswered. So my dad showed me a globe.

India. There it was. Hard to miss. And with it lay my answer. In cursive script, Asia. Bingo, India was in Asia. I had seen Asian as an option, but I never considered it was my past, present, and future. But now I knew, and here we are.

About 27 years after my first standardized test and 17 years after the cafeteria debacle, I had a seizure at the Four Seasons in New York City, a very luxe place to convulse. Luckily, mine was in bed in a hotel room and not in a public environment. I had learned from my foremother's mistake. Like the cafeteria, I don't remember much other than that my friends took great care of me, and though they have always been very kind when they talk about it, I know from my own experience, it was yucky. On that day, in that moment, I became yet another Asian seizure girl in a long list of Asian seizure girls. A dime a dozen, we are. Oh my god. The end. You need to publish this. Monica. Monica. You just wrote that last night

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box for just five bucks when you go to curology.com slash synced. Go to curology.com slash synced for this free offer. That's Curology, C-U-R-O-L-O-G-Y.com slash synced, S-Y-N-C-E-D. Trial is 30 days, applies only to your first box. Subject to consultation, new subscribers only. Support for Synced comes from Rocket Money. You were just telling me. Just last night, I realized that I had two subscriptions to a major streaming service,

one on my phone, one on my TV, and I just lost a hundred bucks like last year, just paying for two. And I had no idea. Yeah. And sometimes this happens. I've noticed if I go on vacation or sometimes if I'm at my parents' house and I can't log in or something, like something's tricky, then I'll just make a new account and then plan on deleting it. And then I never do. And you forget. And they're so smart at making you forget. They really are.

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with over $500 million in canceled subscriptions. So stop wasting money on things you don't use. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions by going to rocketmoney.com slash sync. That's rocketmoney.com slash sync. Rocketmoney.com slash S-Y-N-C. Did you like it? It's very, very, very, very good. Thank you. It's like, that's what people put in a book that they've worked on for years. Like, it's really, really, really, really amazing.

I want to hear it again. I'll send it to you. Can you send it to me? I will send it to you. You're going to get a lot of emails. You will. So will you. From agents. Maybe from Atlantic Records.

Oh, for sure. Or Beyonce for songwriting. For sure. That's amazing. We did it. We did it. I'm proud of, I'm really proud of us. Wow.

We both wanted to bail badly. Yeah. And we didn't do it. I'm so glad you didn't bail. Had you been thinking about it for a while? No, I had a feeling when you said, when you gave me the title Seize the Day, that I was probably going to make it about my seizure. Did you know that when you said it?

Of course, that's why I said it. Because you just talked about it and I was like, Seize the Day. Or maybe you hadn't, but to me it was like— It was obvious. Yes. But I didn't know in what way. Rob, how did you like my story? It was great.

It's so good. It's fun and light, but also deep and profound. I didn't know about that girl when you were growing up. It's cool. I didn't know that you had seen that happen. Oh, this year. Yeah, it was really scary. Wow, wow, Like, I don't know that you had seen that happen. Oh, this year. Yeah, it was really scary. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.

Can you imagine? In high school. Yeah, in high school. Oh. Right, right, right. But then after that, you don't care about anything. Yeah, it's like this.

Yeah, it's like this. Now we're just going to be like, actually, okay, this might be good, like whatever that's called. Not rejection therapy, but immersion therapy. Yes, it is.

It's like now I'm not embarrassed by anything. Oh my God, you're going to just be walking around doing the most embarrassing things. I'm just going to be more than I'm already doing. And it'll be great. When I finished, I was so relieved. But also, I love doing it. I love writing, which is why it was a goal to do more this year.

And it's funny because the whole day, I kept thinking like, I can't believe I have something I have to do tonight. So I have homework tonight. So annoyed. I have so many other things I should be doing. It's like two hours I'll never get back. And then you finish and it's all protective excuses because we're so scared we won't be able to deliver. That's right. I mean, especially for writing, I think for anything creative, whatever the story is in your head is so different from what the reality is, which is your writing is

incredible. I'm sure with this essay touched so many people and the more you write, the more you'll impact the world. And like, I have the same thing in my head where it's like, this is shit and like, doesn't even matter. And I don't even have anything to say. And it's like, oh my God, shut up. We're always doing that to ourselves. Everyone is, which is so sad. Think about, I mean, this sounds so woo-woo. I guess you're rubbing off on me. But think about if everyone believed in themselves.

Like the beauty that would come out of it. We're missing out on so much because people stop themselves from achieving their potential. That's true. Yeah. It was so funny. It came up on my feed as I was coming here and I was like, this is meant to be a clip of Chadwick Boseman being interviewed by CBS. And they were like, what's your biggest block creatively? And he was like, confident. And you're like, how can someone like that? And he said, you know, now instead of trying to be good, I just try and be honest.

Ooh, I like that. And I was like, that's what I'm going to do today. And you did. Yes, that I did. There are some singers who are perfect. They have a perfect pitch. Everything's hitting exactly as it should. But it's missing something.

And I think it's that. It's like an honesty, a presence in the moment. Whereas you can have somebody else who maybe isn't technically perfect, but you feel it so much deeper in your bones. That's such a good point. That's what people would say about Ariana Grande sometimes. She was too perfect? I think a few years ago it was like she was— why other—again, everyone can have the taste that they want,

but that someone like maybe taylor swift or like where you see more of the chinks in their armor and aria grande is more polished and and yeah an amazing vocalist and yeah people want the mistakes and the flaws because that's what is real well because we see ourselves in that yeah okay speaking of musicians, the Grammys were last week, and I miss them. I was out of town. I got so annoyed after— Okay, because here we are, when you write things or when you are about to sing a song in front of people, and you're putting yourself out there, you hope that everyone gives you the benefit of the doubt.

Everyone listening. That they're not here to rip you apart. They're here to support. They understand. They know what it's like to put themselves out there. Everyone can relate. That's what we assume. That's our shared humanity. Then when I was looking at the Grammy stuff, there was so much about Taylor like snubbing Celine Dion or something. And I didn't know what it was. And then I looked into it, which is just like, what, she didn't hug her or give her or acknowledge her when she was accepting her award.

And I was so demoralized by seeing all of these articles and all of these things pop up. Finding a problem. It's not a problem. Those are awkward situations. It's not a big deal. Celine Dion didn't give a fuck. Why do you? And then again, it's just this zero benefit of the doubt. No understanding of, yeah, I would definitely do that. I would like totally not. It's so heightened and no one's saying, oh my gosh, it must be so crazy up there. They're like, oh my God, she should have done that. What is going on? I have a lot of thoughts about this because this is always what we end up doing to people,

but also particularly women, where we love you and then we're like, oh, you like that we love you, then we don't like you anymore, right? With Taylor Swift, obviously that's been the ebbs and flows of sort of how the public feels about her and we did it to Jennifer Lawrence we did to Anne Hathaway right and obviously we do it to people who aren't women too but it's really celebrities they're fodder for this it's it bums me out why can't we just I don't know I don't like it I I'm feeling very allergic I mean we've already talked about this so much but I really like I'm so allergic to negativity right now. I'm feeling really sensitive to it.

I'm sure for some personal reasons as well. But we all are on a scale of how vocal we want to be about negative things and problems and calling out problems. And I have a friend who posted something recently. It was so angry. And I texted this person and said, hey, I'm just checking in. Are you okay? Good. Because what this person was calling out as a problem and what they were angry about, it didn't demand exactly that kind of response. It was so intense. And they said,

yeah, I'm fine. And I said, okay, I just, they actually said, I'm fine. The rain's like, it was something about the rain. And I said, yeah, no, I mean more about what I just saw. It felt really angry. And then they said they were angry about this thing. And we had a little bit of a back and forth because I just have such a differing opinion on what to do with your anger. Again, I know it's a scale. Like I'm not saying one's right or one's wrong and everyone has the power to do whatever they want to do with their opinions and their computer and their phone. But I don't know, it scares me a little bit. There's also a sense that people are channeling valid emotions in the wrong places. Like to me, that's what I'm seeing. And obviously it started, I think, last year.

Like what you're feeling, I understand, but you're channeling it on Taylor Swift or this person's social media video that has nothing to do with that. Or you're sort of taking it out on people or in places that I think from an outsider perspective, I'm like, what does that accomplish? And it kind of puts us all in the state of hypervigilance because we're all afraid that we're going to meet a person like us. If that's how you're acting online, right? Looking for mistakes or looking for, oh, she didn't look at Celine Dion in the eyes.

That means she is a bad person. And we're trying to catch people. And it creates an environment where we're also very aware that it could happen to us. And that kind of explains the vibes, just being off. I obviously post a lot. It's how I express. You communicate a lot.

Yeah, communicate. And I do digital journalism. So it's all very much online. And I have found it very difficult. Like I've had to just take things down, remove comments. And it makes me sad because it's like, oh, the people who are being super loud and who are being extremely, you know, are taking away kind of the ability for other people to just express themselves, I think in a way that is healthy or functional. But I think that was a good text because I think

that there's a way to check in on your friends when they post stuff. Because it's happened to me where like people post things and I'm like, I don't do what you do, which is probably bad, which I just like, it changes how I view them sometimes. And I don't like that. That's what I'm trying to prevent. I don't want that to happen. It's not going to because I understand everyone's different. So it's just acknowledging people for who they are. I did feel actually a little guilty after because I didn't pause while agitated. I did it fast. And then I thought, huh, if I had waited, I probably wouldn't have done it.

I probably wouldn't have reached out. I just would have sat with, man, we handle things differently. And I guess that's okay. I think my reach out was a bit codependent in some ways and it was a little bit like, what's going on with you? And I'll be the one to tell you that it's bad and that now you'll listen and change,

which is not true and that's my issue. And I do think some people on the internet, they have personas on the internet. So it's complex when you see a version of someone and I mean, everyone's doing a version of themselves on the internet. Maybe this person sees me on the internet and thinks, what is that? She's putting pictures of herself up. That's weird or that's vain or you know, whatever. So everyone, I guess everyone is doing it to an extent when it's like giving some grace, but I don't know.

The level of anger is upsetting. Now there's just some, yeah. One thing that helps me to, especially, well, I don't know if this is relevant, but even like the whole Taylor Swift thing, right? That's not really about Taylor Swift. That's about you. Well, it's always about you. I mean, that's definitely true.

But I wish our better angels would take over, but they don't. And it's upsetting because I feel like I'm always advocating for that. And then, Inri, I wonder if it's just like wasted breath. Is it even possible for people to check themselves? Is it a goal even worth pursuing? Well, what's hard is that it gets rewarded. And I think, again, that's where these platforms, just the way that they're set up, reinforce that. I mean, again, this is getting into a whole rabbit hole of a conversation, but like I've been seeing also videos where

half of people see one thing and half of people see another thing. It's like the blue dress. Yes. But like Taylor Swift bringing Lana Del Rey on stage, I'm seeing these videos on my feed and then half of the comments are like, wow, she's so sweet. She's always platforming other artists and like, what a kind person. And then half of the comments are, what a pick me girl. Lana doesn't even want to go on stage. Like what scares me is that it's like people are seeing two different realities. It's becoming obvious that reality is subjective. Yes. I don't like that. Okay. I'm pivoting. I have a question

for you. Okay. Now, tell me if we already discussed this on the podcast. I don't think we did, but I want your opinion and I want listeners' opinion, even though I'm just, I'm like, I'm scared. So when you're in a restaurant or a hotel, do you feel that it's okay to take the pen? Yes. Me too. Of course. That's what it's there for. Exactly.

No. Jess is so—well, and he works at a restaurant, and he's like, that's stealing. Like, it's the worst thing. And I don't think that. I think it comes for free with your food and your hotel bill. Like, don't you get to take the pen? If I don't take the pen, I'm a loser. Like, I've lost money. Girl, man. Like, if I don't take it, it's free. It's mine. And leaving it is leaving it if you left it. 100%. I do think, okay, restaurants is interesting. I think that if the waiter gives you, or the waitress, or the wait, the server, the server.

God. She said. I don't even look at the comments and I still feel it. Yes, yes, you feel them even though you're not reading them. That's so true. I was a waitress and I would get annoyed when people stole my pen. You would?

Because they weren't the restaurant. I mean, I worked at a bar. Maybe it's different. Oh, it was your personals? It was my personals. And I don't think people knew. Sometimes people just leave with a pen. I know that I've done that by mistake many times.

But people just immediately kind of forget and then put it in their bag. So sometimes when people would borrow pens, I'd be like, but give it back to me. But if it's a branded restaurant pen, it's yours. That's different. Okay. If it's like a Bic, Blick or whatever, then maybe you don't take it because it could be a personal pen to the server. Right. But if it says the name of the restaurant on it, I feel like you're allowed to take it. It's the corporation's. That's the thing.

So then he was talking about, well, should we call him? Yes. Get his opinion on this? You know, I don't want to speak for him. So did you take the pen and then he was mad? Well, we've had this big discussion and now it's infiltrated. So I like started to take the pen from my hotel and then I thought, am I stealing? Oh, no.

No. It's like I, I'll buy it, I guess. Like, you can charge me. Oh, man. Why is that picking up? No one picks up when I call. It's a weird time. It's a weird time to be alive.

You have reached my mobile. My mobile. People are funny. I know. The answering machines are funny. I don't think I have an answering machine. Should I call you and see? Yeah, I don't think I have one. I would have known that. How do you make one? I don't even know. The answering machines are funny. I don't think I have an answering machine. Should I call you and see? Yeah, I don't think I have one.

I would have known that. How do you make one? I don't even know. I think I have one that's old, but I don't remember. I don't remember yours. You always pick up. Please leave your message. No, you don't.

I don't. Can you do mine? Can I do yours? Can you call? Yes. Do you? I don't. Can you do mine? Can I do yours? Can you call? Oh, yes. Do you? I don't know if I have one. Okay.

I think I might have an old one. Maybe you've reached Monica. Now I'm like, maybe you do. I love this kid. Hi, you've reached Monica Padman. I can't come to the phone right now, so please leave a message and I'll call you back as soon as I can.

Thanks. I sound like a chipmunk. Your voice is so cute. Oh my God. It sounds like I made that when I was six. Oh no, I got to redo that. When did you do it? Like SoulCycle days?

I mean, I don't remember doing it, so it must have been so… Do you think we made it when we first got our phone number? When you got your phone number, maybe. That sounds like 10 years ago. Wow. Easily. It's so funny how our voices change.

Because you don't notice your voice is changing, obviously. But then you'll hear and you'll be like, oh my God, I sound totally different. And then what's real? Is this real? Is that real? Nothing's real. We've decided. It all comes back around.

Nothing's real. We've decided. It all comes back around. Nothing's real. No pens. And also I know certain pens that I need to get. The W Hotel pens. Are great. Are amazing. Do they say it? They're like square and they're black with like a pink lining. Oh, that's nice. And they're very smooth. Do you have like a favorite? I have a favorite type of pen and I feel good to write with. Oh, the Four Seasons. Really nice. It's really nice. You take it. Four Seasons will be fine.

That's how I feel. That's how I feel. And then is that okay? But then we get into a bigger question. Just because a institution or a corporation or a person has a lot of money, is it okay to steal from them? I would say no. Like if I was just asked that question point blank, I would definitely say no. Like no one's allowed to steal from me just because I have money. But I would argue that corporations are stealing. So we should be allowed to steal. Like again,

like Jeff Bezos. But I don't think people should break into Jeff Bezos' house and steal stuff because he's still a person. See, this is also similar to the Taylor Swift thing where there's still people with rights and humanity. To then make them into something so big that you feel you have the right to steal from them, I find crazy that we do this. We allow people to be at that level of status where we then make them non-humans. They didn't make themselves non-humans. I really want to reiterate that. The rest of us made these people gods.

We put them on those pedestals. We decided that money equals power and all. We did that. So we have to take some responsibility for it. Interesting. Do you think being a billionaire is to take some responsibility for it. Interesting. Do you think being a billionaire is going to be bad for her? Everyone hates billionaires so much. I know.

I don't hate them. I feel like me and you have talked about this. We've probably talked about it on here a million times. I think it's a very specific strata of privilege and finance to hate billionaires. If you are extremely poor, you don't hate billionaires. You like billionaires because billionaires give a lot of money away and you want them to give money to you and help. It's some strata above that that has their own money, just not an exorbitant amount. They're the ones that hate it. That's in itself a position of privilege to be like,

billionaires are bad. Well, what about all the fucking money they gave away? Because they have it. I know this is a complex topic. But it's interesting, even I was listening to this podcast earlier, like not to get into politics, but the demographic basically that like the progressive Democratic Party has won over and that's the loudest is it used to be the working class and it's kind of shifted since the 80s and now it is this yeah sort of higher educated higher income person that the party's sort of catering to that's like super left on social issues but more left actually than maybe some of the working class people exactly at the base of the party and yeah it kind of skews the priorities. I'm not going to name issues,

but it's a certain luxury to be able to care about a certain issue, social issue, when you don't have to worry about where your next paycheck is coming from, right? Like the things that are occupying your mind are very different. And so I do think we overvalue middle, high, highly educated, coastal, elite sort of like opinions. Yes, we do. And generalize them to society at large when it might be actually different. Support for Synced comes from Element. Element is a zero-sugar electrolyte drink mix born from the growing body of research revealing that optimal health outcomes occur at sodium levels two to three times government recommendations. We use Element to stay hydrated and healthy every day. Rob was texting us because he was sick and

it was like the first thing, the very first thing we were saying is, have you had your electrolytes? Have you had Element? No, the doctor said drink electrolytes, and then we said, have you had Element? We will come and deliver Element to your door. Yes. And I was just in Aspen. That elevation will get you. And thank goodness I brought a bunch of Element, and I took it every day, and it helps so much. I mean, it can, like, really make you feel wonky and weird if you're not on top of it. Yes. Right now, Element is offering a free sample pack with any purchase.

That's eight single serving packets free with any Element order. This is a great way to try all eight flavors or share Element with a salty friend.l-m-n-t dot com slash sync, S-Y-N-C. This deal is only available through our link. You must go to d-r-i-n-k-l-m-n-t dot com slash sync. Support for Synced comes from ZocDoc. We love ZocDoc. Yeah, and everyone is sick right now. Yes, that's true. That's true.

That's true. It's such a great tool to be able to like again book an appointment find a doctor find a specialist like not just like in your neighborhood but in your network and so that you're not spending you know atrocious amounts of money in order to just see you know a medical professional I just can't believe it's free like I truly I think it's such a gift it really is where health care is really complicated and everyone should have the right to find the doctor that's right for them. And it's just an amazing resource for anyone that has a body and a mind. And I love it because you can search and compare.

Yes, I love that. So you can see like what's highly rated, again, what in-network doctors are near you, and you can instantly book appointments with them online. It's so easy. You don't have to wait. You don't have to talk to, you don't even have to call the office. You can just do it all online and they book it for you. Go to ZocDoc.com slash synced and download the ZocDoc app for free. Then find and book a top-rated doctor today. That's Z-O-C-D-O-C.com slash synced. ZocDoc.com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D. Support for Synced comes from Vegamore. We love Vegamore. Can't get enough. Okay. I keep talking about my trip, which I feel bad. But I went on a trip where there was high elevation. Yes. And my hair gets so wacky when

it's in high elevation. Like it gets so dry. But I brought Vegamore with me and it felt so much better. It didn't get like frizzy and stiff. It's just a good product. All the Vegamore products are 100% cruelty free. They're never formulated with potentially harmful chemicals

like parabens or hormones. It will make your hair look amazing, feel amazing. It almost feels like there should be chemicals in there, but they're not. Everything's natural. And it just, yeah, it just, when I use any other, it's kind of ruined me because when I'll use any other hair products, if I'm like at someone's house or I go on vacation and I don't bring Vegamour,

I notice the difference. So elevate your hair wellness routine this year with Vegamore. For a limited time, get 20% off your first subscription order by going to vegamore.com slash synced and use code synced at checkout. That's V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash synced. Code synced to save 20% off your first order. V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash S-Y-N-C-E-D. Code synced. Anyhow. Yeah.

All right. So we've run the gamut. Yeah, pens. Okay, pens TBD on whether or not. I can't believe we performed earlier in this episode. I know. We haven't even done questions and we're about to do a couple. So much has happened today. So much has happened.

Oh, this is great. Okay. Should I always give my friend a gift for her birthday, even though I've never received one from her? Oh. It's from Olivia. Hi, Liz and Monica and Rob. I'd love your advice. I've been friends with a friend of mine for about five years. We're not super close, but we're pretty good friends. We see each other roughly once a month, sometimes a couple months go by without seeing each other. We have fun together and she's a nice person, but we don't talk every day or anything like that. She's the type of person who likes to celebrate her birthday, like a casual get together with a small group of friends, usually planned a week or two in advance. I don't ever really throw myself a party for my birthday. I might do something with my boyfriend or family, and if a friend wants to

go out for lunch, I will, but that's about it. The last couple of years, if I make it out to celebrate her birthday, I get her a small gift. I always debate whether I should be getting her something and how much what I should get. Since the party is often so casual, I wonder if it's expected of me to bring something. I think sometimes other people who come to a party bring something and other people don't I've never received a gift from her, but i've also never invited her to do something for my birthday again Just not really my thing. My question is do I continue to get her a gift for her birthday? Do I only get a gift when i'm actually participating in her get together or do I get her a gift always?

Do I test things out this year and get her something small and then actually invite her to do something for my birthday? And then if she doesn't get me anything, I have an answer for my years to come. Do I just bring something for the party? Example, drink snack instead of a specific gift. If I do get a gift, what do I give that is small but not completely thoughtless? Wow. I mean, that is my inner la-la-la. Do you want to get her a gift?

That's the main question. Do you want to? It kind of sounds like she doesn't. I mean, I don't know. I don't want to speak for her. But I've become not consistent about this. I used to give everyone a gift for every single thing. And it was very important to me.

The older I've gotten, it's more, if something stands out that I know they'll like, I'll get them a gift. But it's a weird thing at a party if every single person brings a gift, but you don't. It can feel a little odd. But then, okay, what I would do in that case, if I didn't want to get her a gift and I would see if everyone brought a gift and if they did, then maybe I would say, hey, I'd love to get dinner or I'd love to buy us a bottle of wine or like Postmates a bottle of wine into the party or something like that so that you're contributing. You don't feel bad, but you don't have to like do this whole thoughtful gift. This is such an interesting

example of, I don't know if I have friends. Well, yeah, I can't think of a person in my life that like I invite to my birthday, but they don't get invited to mine, right? Like that's kind of interesting that she thinks you're close enough to invite to her birthday. I get this though, because sometimes, so we do like girls dinners for birthdays. And that's also a way, if you know a bunch of friends, you could go in together, which that's a common thing for us. We would all just go in together on a gift. But there have been times where the dinner doesn't happen for some reason, and then the gift kind of doesn't happen. Because the thought is like, oh, okay, we got to get this gift and we're going to bring it to the dinner. And then it kind of like goes

by the wayside because the event didn't happen. So I could see how she just never felt like she had the opportunity to reciprocate. Although that's dumb though, because if you're getting her a present every year and she's never— I was going to say— She can just bring over a present. Yeah. If someone's consistently showing up for you for your birthday, showing up with a gift, and they never— And during COVID, it was complicated for a few years, honestly.

It was just like, I feel like birthdays were kind of not normal. And I would, like, send something to my friend. And it doesn't mean, like, a $100 bouquet. Like, it could be, here's some Baskin-Robbins ice cream. Like, I'm just— Yeah. Uber eats it to my friend. And it doesn't mean like a hundred dollar bouquet. Like it could be, here's some Baskin Robbins ice cream. Like I'm just Uber eats it to her house. I think there are tiers of gifts. And to me, this is like a candle tier. Bring a candle. So should she still bring a candle every time if she's never getting anything back? No. I think especially if it's bothering you. Exactly. Don't do things that you don't want to do because it just will show up in other ways. It's already built a little

resentment, I think. Exactly. And resentment is like a relationship killer. And if this friendship is important to you, you don't want to have that in there. I mean, can I bring a bottle of wine or can I bake the dessert? Things that you could do like manual labor that's not expensive and not a whole gift. Bring a side dish. There's all kinds of ways to contribute to someone's birthday. And if you're consistently not getting a birthday gift or like a birthday acknowledgement that's commensurate with yours. I think it's really common for us to evaluate what I'm giving versus what I'm receiving.

And I think the only way to combat that is to really think, do I want to give this regardless of what I ever get back? You have to give gifts almost with an acceptance that you might never get anything in return. That's right. It has to be that. And yeah, if you don't feel like giving, don't do it. Okay. Let's do one more. Oh, no. Okay. What? Also, there's one that's really going to require a lot of time, so I'm saving it. But remind me next week that we need to devote a lot of time to it.

Okay. How do I tell a friend her makeup routine needs help? Caroline. So good. Hi, Monica and Liz. One of my best friends is stunningly gorgeous, but the way she does her makeup is so, so awful. I feel like she needs to watch a few basic tutorials on how to do her makeup properly. Her bronzer is smudgy and in wrong places. Her concealer is too light on her and she also doesn't pluck her brows and she

really needs to. She's a super low maintenance girly and didn't grow up with a super feminine mother or any sister. So I don't blame her for never really learning how to properly do her makeup. First of all, am I a bad friend for wanting to help her out in this way rather than letting her be and do her thing? Or should I say something to her? And if so, how can I help her out? She's very sensitive and has had issues with mean girls in the past, making her feel like her hair and makeup isn't up to par. Oh. She has specific issues with that. And I don't want to come off like those girls and make her feel ashamed. What should I do? Oh, God. Okay. My instinct is how often does she bring up the bullies?

Because if she was like telling a story about the bullies, then you could say, you know, why don't we go take a makeup class together? So it's not, well, I have some tips. Or let's watch a couple of videos. Oh, okay. She's talking about the bullies. And it's like, those girls, fuck those girls. They suck. I recently was on YouTube and I found this really amazing how-to video.

Do you want me to send it to you? Yeah. Just like that and make it about you yourself have also done this and are passing along some fun information. Not you should do this because this is bad and you have to pluck your eyebrows. I don't think you can ever mention the eyebrows. I think the eyebrows can. That's not an area you can go. No. Because she's seeing it.

It's right there. She doesn't care. Yes. And again, you can't care more than she cares. That's not an area you can go. No, because she's seeing it. It's right there. She doesn't care. And again, you can't care more than she cares. That's right. It might not be important to her. I think the makeup, I've had a friend, Heather did this where like, she would kind of fix things sometimes for me.

Like not in a patronizing, like because I relate to this friend because I am distracted often. Also, both my sister and my mom literally have never owned makeup. I didn't grow up in a household learning how to do it. I think I've gotten a little bit better, but I definitely didn't know the basics until like very recently. And still, I think sometimes it'll look good and I don't have great lighting. Like I don't have a setup that I think

like some women, especially now, I feel like there's a whole, you know, the brushes and the thing and the order to put things in. And so I'm very grateful when I get intel about what we're supposed to be doing. And yeah, like Heather, like at one point she was like, oh, I think you just forgot to like blend that in. And then I'd go back in the bathroom. I'd be like, oh, I'm supposed to do that. Right. Like, so it was kind of in subtle ways. That's a good approach.

Yeah. So that it's not this like intervention. You don't have, do you, like a sensitivity towards, you weren't bullied for having bad makeup or were you? I wasn't bullied for, I was bullied, but not for having bad makeup. That's really specific. It's so specific that makes this very complex. Yes, you're right. You're right. I do think though, if like, if I was at dinner with her and there was a really big demarcation of the bronzer or something. Could you just take your finger? Could you just be like, can I blend this in real quick?

Yes. It's almost out of care. And it's not a, oh my God, dude. It's, oh, I think you just forgot to blend it. Here, let me, do you want help? And again, I've literally had people do this to me. Like not just once. And it's helpful. And then it's something that I'm more aware of. Or just like, oh, let me blend that real quick. Yes. And just like take your thumb and do it. And then say, oh, you know what's a great tool to apply foundation? Like it's this, give me your address. I'll send you one. And then you just like- Yeah, but she might not know how to use it. For me, if I'm on the receiving end, because I am very sensitive,

I think I would need first like, oh, I just found the most amazing thing. Okay. It's so cool. I practiced with it yesterday. Like, can you tell? Make it about you. Yes. Then if they're like, oh, yeah, you can be like, it's $4 on Amazon.

It's really great. But I think once you provide that, if she doesn't do it, then you got to let it go. Yeah, you do. The other thing that might be good, this happened to me randomly. I was with Kat. We were at Sephora. And we were looking at this foundation oil SPF thing. And there was like a person from that brand for some

reason that was there. So she kind of approached us and she was like, oh, do you want me to check what color you are? And I remember being like, oh, I would have just gone with my eyes and like, kind of like, but then she did the test and whatever her scientific method was. And then we got the right color for us. And so maybe going to Sephora could also be a thing because there's kind of an expert there. Maybe you could have your birthday party at Sephora. Yes. And say, all I want for my birthday is a Sephora trip. Yay.

And then everyone goes. And then you pick out some things you think would look good on her and say, I think this would look so good on you. Try it. And then let's have someone to make sure that's your right color. Yeah. You could also, okay, this might be too on the nose, but you could give her, again, I don't know when her birthday is or if there's something fun to celebrate in her life. I think you can buy like a consultation. Yeah. Okay. It's too on the nose. I don't know if it's too on the nose. I think it's kind of fun, though. I would like that. Me too. I guess this is where things get tricky.

If she herself isn't saying, ooh, I want that, or, oh, let's go to Sephora, or I like—then it's weird. Sephora's like one of the movies. For us. For all girls. No, who wear makeup. We're assuming—she obviously doesn't want to be wearing makeup. She doesn't like it, is what it sounds like. And she has this whole history with it. obviously doesn't want to be wearing makeup. She doesn't like it is what it sounds like. So, and she has this whole history with it. So, I think she's just trying to do like the most basic thing

and then it's a little bit off. So, I'm sticking to that you just start talking about your own makeup a little more and the new brush you found or even you say like, oh my God, I looked in the mirror the other day and I realized I didn't lend my makeup and I was so embarrassed. And then I bought this tool or whatever. Like just talk about it on your own. Don't make it about her. And then she'll either catch on and ask you questions or say like,

oh yeah, I'm so bad at makeup. If she says that, that is your opening. You're right. Golden gate. Let's go to Sephora and let's go like learn about what's good on us. Yeah, that's good. Because also,

no one's great. You know what I mean? Yeah, no one's great. Yeah, everyone can improve if you want to and that's interesting to you and you don't have to wear makeup if you don't want to.

But yeah, that's a good way of like, I want to learn how to do it better. Do you want to do it with me? But again, if she says no, that's her life. Oh yeah, that's a no. It's hard.

It's hard. I've been in a similar scenario with skincare, actually, with someone in my life. They just didn't put any—it was very, like, au naturel and, like, yes, whatever. But, dude, you want to moisturize. Your skin does need moisture. And it doesn't mean you need a 13-step skincare routine, but I could tell that there was more damage. And even just SPF, what I did was just give her when it was time for holiday, birthday, or even randomly, I'd be like, I got two by mistake or I do get stuff. I'm lucky. So I'd be like, oh, I got this one and you should

take it. You know, it's really good to put it every day. And again, I'll be like, I didn't know how important it was. And it's only like five years ago when someone told me like I really needed to do it. I didn't realize that I was hurting my skin. Yeah. So you made it about you. I think that's smart. All right. Yeah. Great. Very, very good question. Okay. Well, we have some really awesome ones to come, but that's it for today because, you know, we devoted a lot of time to our challenge and I'm glad we did. And I am very proud of you. I'm very proud of you. I'm so impressed. It's so incredible. I can't believe you wrote that last night. And I'm so excited what more beautiful things you'll write if you spend more time doing it. The world needs your

writing. Thank you. And then, you know, we're not going to rule out another challenge in the future, but we're going to take a little time off. I've never had homework. Are you going to keep— I did wonder. One learning from this is that I have experienced anxiety, and I try and think myself out of not being anxious a lot. And I have spent a lot of money on therapy and tricks and journaling. And I knew that singing and humming basically stimulates your vagus nerve, which literally just is like a natural

anxiety suppressor. Yeah. And I didn't realize how much like, oh, if I just hum and I sing, I actually sleep better. Like if I do it before bed and stuff like that, which again, bad news for my roommate, but great news for me. So I actually have really enjoyed it and I want to keep it up. I love this. Oh man, what fun. Yeah. We're doing activities. We are.

Hot girl hobbies. Hot girl hobby. Check, check. Yeah. All right. Well, thanks for listening and we'll see you next week. Bye. Bye.