Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Unlikeable

Episode Date: July 31, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz discuss the new political developments of the day, Monica shares her evolving feelings on online negativity, and Liz recounts a string of massage events. They answer listener questions on ignoring election news, hiding debt from a spouse, and confronting a partner who likes thirst-traps on Instagram. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

I'm seeing a beautiful New York cityscape behind you. Yeah, I kind of have an amazing little view over here. I have the World Trade Center. I was like staring at it last night listening. Well, anyway, it'll be too late, but just listening to the news and all the political changes that are happening and feeling excited. I know we record, although not in this case, too far ahead normally more, but we're obviously behind on reporting on the news.

Which we do so much here. We don't, but I do think here, me and you tend to talk a little more about stuff that's going on than on some of our other shows, because some of these things affect me and you women more than they affect people on our other shows. So things just come up. They do. How are you feeling about everything? I feel very hopeful. I felt very sad when Biden announced it. Sad, but also impressed.

It's so much easier said than done to put what you feel you know is best over personal power, gain, ego. It was such an egoless act and one that I don't think, to be fair, any of our presidents would have done before, the ones I liked and the ones I didn't like. So I thought that was just a beautiful act of service. And I was also a bit annoyed and relieved, I guess, because his age and age has been the only point of conversation for the past however long and especially after the debate and no one on either side has focused on any of the stuff he's done except his team. You know, they've been trying but it has not gained any traction and he's done a ton.

He's done so much in the past four years. And I've talked to some people about this, and it's actually very telling because when you say like, he's done a lot and people don't know what he's done, it's often a sign of privilege, one that I also experience where, yeah, you don't know what he's done because he's helping the general public. He's not helping the top 1%. He should not help the top 1%. So I think as sort of an indicator, if you're sort of out of the loop or don't know how

he's helped, it's probably because he hasn't helped you because you're pretty privileged. And that's great. You know, I think a big selling point when he was running in 2020 was like, you won't hear about me every day. You won't have to be like, what did the president say or do today? And worry about that.

And I think we did disagree. Obviously I've been public about when you can't message your message, when the messenger is distracting from the message. I think that's been happening since the beginning of the year, honestly. But I think he just became immediately more likeable the minute he stepped down. He just cemented his legacy in a really big way.

And I felt like held hostage by like two male egos when it was the both of them, just the both of them being so focused on what they wanted to do instead of sort of what the people need them to do. But there are women, you know, who have also done that. I mean, RBG famously. Exactly. Who I love, but same situation. I think ruined her legacy. I mean, in my view for what she did. So I think this was like, it just gives hope. And even if it's temporary and superficial, it gives a sense that what we say matters and the people are in charge, not the elite

or the politicians. And restoring that faith, whether you agree that it's true or not, people can just be like, well, it's just coconut memes. And a lot of people are still feeling pessimistic, but I just feel really heartened by the amount of people who have been moved to volunteer, to register to vote. The fact that so many young people, right, who were going to like ghost the election, like not even show up, who are now excited.

That to me is more exciting than even the person who's running, right? It's like, how are the people engaged? I agree. And I love the idea that a woman will be in charge of speaking about women's rights. Like that heartens me a lot. But yeah, and Gen Z needs to come out.

I mean, that's going to make or break it, you know, and it always was. And even the idea that they were going to sit it out is for me. I mean, me and you are aligned on 99% of it. I just, I'm a little angrier in general about people focusing on the person more than the policies and what's going on and what's coming out of these presidencies and help for people. That's the point. And so to have a bunch of young people just crossing their arms and saying I'm not gonna do it because this person isn't perfect when literally everything is on the line this time around, more so than 2016, is like, then you deserve it. If you're gonna sit it out,

you're gonna be affected and you deserve it. And that is really how I feel. So I don't know, I just hope everyone really shows up and if we have a female minority president, I will be very happy. I mean, it's happening. I'm tempering expectations, but I'm very hopeful. And I get what you mean, because I felt that way at a certain point this year. I was like, well, I'm Canadian, so I can't even vote.

But where I was like, I feel so frustrated. I feel so ignored. And I think for Gen Z, like they never even got to vote for Obama. You know, they never got any hope or change. Like, they entered this in a horrible economy. They can't even afford their rent. Like, they can't afford to have a family to buy a home. Like, I can't blame people who feel like politicians.

I've given up. But at the same time, I think the more fun we can make it and be like, sure, if you want to, you don't want to come to our party, that's fine. But like, the more fun our party is, I think the more irresistible the political movement is and just a revolution is that's the best Way we can go about it because if we scold them no one wants to be scolded into Action or no one is right, but I also get your feelings about it. You know, it's very frustrating Yeah, cuz I don't necessarily think it's scolding It's just these are the facts if you don don't vote for this person, your rights are going away.

So to then be like, well, I have to think about it feels a little like, okay, you go ahead and you think about it. And unfortunately, you are going to feel the repercussions and you're going to feel them more than the rest of us who are voting. Yeah, the people who are, it doesn't go far enough. It's like, well, AOC talks about this of like, you're not voting for a person, you're voting for the best circumstances under which to continue to build a movement. And so there is no perfect person.

There's certainly no perfect politician. To your point, what are the best set of circumstances to vote for? And I feel frustrated too, when I hear people just sort of pooh-pooh the optimism, you know, that's going on right now because I think it's so powerful and so rare to have people disengaged and so I just want that to continue. It's good. I hope so too. We shall see. It'll be a very hopefully fun few months ahead.

I'm dying for them to debate. I know. He's so scared to debate a girl. And a prosecutor, an insanely smart person. I think we've learned a lot of less, I hope, I think, from 2016, where what would bother me in the debates with Hillary was like, she was trying to be very professional, stick to her talking points and not let, but it wasn't working because he's a bully and that's what bullies do.

And now we know how he is. and I think she will not do that. She's going to fight back and I think that will be fun to watch. Their whole attacks on her is like, I call her laughing comelot. It's like, okay. So you just like yell all day and talk about all the horrible things that are happening or are going to be happening and she's just like laughing and day and talk about all the horrible things that are happening or are going to be happening And she's just like laughing and having a good time like I kind of want to laugh and have a good time after last Please I think we deserve a debate

Yeah This leads to sort of an interesting conversation because I mean you haven't really talked about this But we've talked about it on armchair and so I felt like that was all that needed to be said But I don't I don't think so. I don't know if you know this but a few episodes ago But we've talked about it on armchair and so I felt like that was all that needed to be said. But I don't think so. I don't know if you know this, but a few episodes ago, there was a whole thing that happened in the comments about me. No, what happened?

So long story short, basically, I did totally fuck up and I own this. I really did. I was joking about a company and to me it was obviously a joke, but it I guess was not obviously a joke, and they're a sponsor, and so then obviously they got a little upset, and then I talked to them about it, and everything was fine,

but it started this whole thing in the comments where everyone was really on me about being unrelatable. And oh, oh, this is also at the time that Eric and I were listening to Acquired and we were both listening to the Hermes episode and then me and you talked about it too. Our episode was the very next day,

which honestly, Liz, I almost pulled that episode after all this happened. Because this was happening on Tuesday night and our episode was coming out on Wednesday and I knew that we were also going to talk about Hermes and I was like, I don't want that out there. People are already on a war path against me. So there was a whole thing about me not being relatable anymore and all I do is talk about fancy things and lots of stuff. There was a particular comment that I have not been able to get out of my head.

I know what they mean when they say this. I don't even think this person would be able to see that there's a huge double standard here. But there was a comment that said, it started off very nice. It was like, I really like Monica, but I do feel like all she talks about is fancy stuff and it's not relatable and this whole thing.

And then she was like, I just find myself relating so much more to Dax taking his kids across the country in his bus. And I'm like, I can't talk about a bag, which by the way, I don't own, let's be clear, a bag I don't own, but I'm interested in owning, or pants or shoes, that's be clear, a bag I don't own, but I'm interested in owning, or pants or shoes.

That's not relatable, but owning a bus is relatable? And I get what they mean, like he's talking about his family. But really piece that apart and see what you're doing. We really are very, very used to seeing men as successful figures amongst us. It's very natural, but it is not so natural to see a woman in a position of not power, just succeeding on a level that maybe is a little more than above average financially, I think. Because again, success means so many things and by so many metrics, I have not. But in this one, I have. And so it does not sit well with people in it.

And we know, you know, it's like in theory, me and you talk about it all the time. It's like, we know this, but to get the physical reminder of it is like, yeah, this is, it's crazy. It sucks. I'm first of all, sorry that that happened. And even though again,

it's so hard to get these comments out of your head head I'm glad you're able to like see the double standard and it really reminds me of talking about 2016 again the way that the media would focus on like how much Hillary Clinton suits were or like how much she spent on her hair or like and obviously no articles about how expensive the suits worn by Donald Trump or any male candidate. And one is seen as vain and the other is not. Right? I mean, this is all tying into, because it's so saying to this conversation around Kamala Harris, not having biological kids. She is a mom. She's a stepmom, which I think is so insulting to so many stepparents and just

all kinds of different families across the world and across this country. But the fact that she doesn't have biological kids is somehow used against her and used to paint her, right? The like childless cat ladies, the subtext is that there's something wrong with us, right? And so there's something wrong with the things that you spend on and that if you were spending them on, yeah, family vacation with your kids Or even fertility because at least you're trying to fit into that standard of what's expected for women Then there would be no criticism. So I'm sorry. You're dealing with that How did you feel were you able to come to that conclusion immediately or did you like were you hard on yourself?

Well, yeah, it was not a fun few days, I will say. But I did note that immediately. I could see that. But it still hurt my feelings. I mean, it's still so painful to read so much stuff about yourself that's so negative. Which again, is why I don't do it. It's why I actively don't look at comments.

And I know that also bothers people. That was also a whole section on those comments, that how dare I not look at comments and I know that also bothers people. That was also a whole section on those comments that how dare I not look at comments, which I responded to. And I didn't want to. I was like, Oh my gosh, this is exactly why I don't do it. Because you get dragged in, you end up defending yourself. And none of this is, none of this is worth any of our time. The people writing it too, like it's not worth their time. I don't... But yeah, I basically said, I wonder if this is a joke based on this comments page. Do you think anyone should have to read these types of things about themselves? I was pretty at peace with it. And then of course... Of course.

And also, I'm about to start my period. You are too. We're synced up. I'm just like so PMS-y right now, and so I think very sensitive. So I went to this new skin care woman. That's the official term. SKW. That's not even, I don't know where the K came from. Skin care, SCW. Oh yeah, SCW.

But I like the K. Yeah, SKW just has a kick to it. Has a better ring to it, SCW. But I like the K. Yeah, SKW just has a kick to it. Has a better ring to it. It does. No, this awesome aesthetician. And she was recommended to me by another podcast that I really like. And one of the hosts on there goes to this place and she was talking about how it really helped her skin. And so I looked into it. I went yesterday. It was wonderful.

And so I messaged the host of the show and I said, Hey, you know, I just wanted to say thank you because I found this through you. And then so while I was on the page, I saw and I remember when this happened, her and her co-host, they posted a video a while ago that was them listening to me talking about them on our show and me saying, I found this new podcast and I really like it, but it's also so fascinating because they are not what I pictured in my head. And I think it's so funny because we all do this, right? Like when you're reading a book or whatever, you have a vision of a person and a real intricate...

We've also said it about Winnah, who is the New York Times Connections woman. You know, we all have this idea and then I saw her and I was like, oh my gosh, that is not what I expected. And of course this is not negative. And I even said on the podcast, I said, they're beautiful. But it's just funny. It's that weird space in between that we fill in. And I also said, and it made me think,

a lot of people probably do this with me. Yeah. They posted like a little clip of that and them reacting to it, which was very, very funny. And when I was messaging her and I saw it, and I was like, oh yeah, that, and I looked, and then there's all these like mean comments, and someone was like, classic and sufferable Monica.

Oh my God. I mean, okay, sure. On their page? Yeah, on their page. And also, it's just easy to go, because I was like, who is this? And then I clicked on that person, and then you really have to force yourself to just stop.

Look, I have so many things I want to tell you about right now, but I've always really respected and admired the fact that you actually don't read the comments. I genuinely think that's what most people do. Like most people who have large followings do not run their own social media accounts. They're in turn is responding to your comments, most likely. Not all of them, but many of them. A lot of really famous celebrities. I have this theory, like the best ones have no Instagram.

There are tons that I love to do, but if you tally the list of the ones who have no Instagram and have never had an Instagram, they're kind of the best ones. And I went through many different versions and eras, honestly, of really struggling. I deleted my Instagram account once. Like I think it was 2019 or 2018. I just felt like I couldn't. And again, it's not to say, oh, poor us. Why I'm saying this is that your point about projection,

I think is really important because we all do that. And this is something that anyone can really do. Right? We all project things onto other people and have things projected onto us that we cannot meet. And people be disappointed in things projected onto us that we cannot meet and people be disappointed in a version of us that they've made up in their heads, right? And that was what was really hard for me. Like, I just felt like I couldn't ever meet the expectations. It was just impossible.

And I tried really hard and I still do. And I hate that I do, you know? Right, because then you're losing yourself. You're trying to become something that all these people want. But also a lot of these people, they don't want anything. They just want to be upset or annoyed or loud or whatever. So trying to bend to that is just not a good way

to live your life. It's just not gonna bring any peace, but it's hard. Yeah, and the thing is you have changed. Your life has changed. You know, I think that's a little bit, again, how we feel with people in our lives or with, you know, romantic relationships, right? Where you started this relationship and you were in a different place and maybe the other person's life has completely changed and yours hasn't or both of you. So I also think sometimes, yeah, when people are like, you used to be, I mean, again, just I've had it in the last little while around this new presidential

announcement of people being like, oh, I used to love, you know, and I'm like, okay, maybe this used to feel good for you. And now it doesn't anymore. And like, that's okay. I don't have to try and change your mind about me. I don't need to invalidate any of it. Maybe it's time for us to part ways. Yeah, like our relationship is complete. You can move on and I can move on and or I can continue to grow in the way that I want to grow, which is what you're doing. And the other person too, like, I think we hold on to things and we feel betrayed when people don't stay the way that they're supposed to be.

Or you know, again, whatever we've decided the other, you know, other people should be. And so, yeah, I think there's, like, a little bit of radical acceptance there for us all to do. ALIYA GRIGORIKOVICH? Definitely. I mean, it's true, because in any relationship in life, people change, and they're supposed to.

How boring of a life if you just were the same person you've always been. Like, you're supposed to. How boring of a life if you just were the same person you've always been. Like, you're supposed to change and evolve. And I understand that could maybe come with growing pains for people around. And it often does. I think acknowledging it, like, I remember way back

a few years ago, Esther Perel did a podcast about friendship therapy. Maybe it was a one-off, but she did this therapy session with two friends and sort of the point of the podcast she was on was to stress that we should have therapy with our friends since we have therapy. We have couples therapy, family therapy. We talk about work all the time. Why don't we, you know, and it was really this heartbreaking, beautiful friendship between these two men who had grown apart. And she didn't have to

do that much digging to really realize that, yes, one person had sort of achieved a lot of things since they'd been in college together and they both didn't just talk it out, you know, and it could have just been sort of a conversation and they would still be best friends, but each were creating meaning out of how that would feel for the other person and what the, you know what I mean? And again, sometimes friendships do end and they've run their course, but sometimes it's also, I don't know, just thinking about like, oh, why am I annoyed right now?

Why does this bother me? And just going a little deeper instead of just kind of throwing it on the other person or again, leaving a comment you might, you might regret. Like, so yeah, I think there's a lot there to sit with. Yeah. It does highlight that unlikable is a very common moniker that gets put on women, and especially women in the public sphere. So when people are saying that about Pamela, I'm like, yeah, me too. I've been called that too. It's sad, or it's, I guess, frustrating that this also happens to women who get to the

highest. I mean, she's not in the highest office yet. She is as vice president and the first female vice president. But like, I think that's what was so devastating. However you feel about Hillary Clinton about 2016. Again, so many examples on a daily basis of this happening with women all over every industry. But when you see a woman that has fought all of those obstacles and that she still deals with that,

I think it's very infuriating and can help us process our own experiences of sexism in our daily lives. Because yeah, when has that criticism been levied against a man like all these big podcast dudes? And authenticity is the entire reason that people love the show so much and love the both of you so much. So you're just being honest. And I guess honesty is fine when it doesn't make you feel uncomfortable and when it's eliciting different feelings,

then you might feel differently. But I'm sorry. It's fine. It's part of it. But sometimes it's more painful than other times. Support for Synced comes from Element. We love Element. Element is a zero sugar electrolyte drink mix born from the growing body of research revealing that optimal health outcomes occur at sodium levels two to three times government recommendations. I just chugged Element this morning.

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That's article.com slash synced for $50 off your first purchase of $100 or more. I don't think people realize how much you go up against and have been going up against as a woman. And I think that's also part of the problem that happens across the board for women across industries. But I think that people can be sort of ignorant to that. And we all are right. It's like these unconscious biases. There are things that you only you know that other people don't. That applies to all of us. It does. And that's why we are the best judge of our lives because we have all the information. That is true. Well, pivoting, how's New York? Did you have any events? Speaking of relatable, I had many massage events.

I get a massage at like a hole in the wall place on Franklin once a month. It's how I stay single. It's part of my, of not like, so I don't become like a hoe. Oh, to get touched. Literally get touched. And so I love this little place. It's like, I love the women who work there and it's great. And I went in on a Friday night where I was just again, the last few weeks have just been

a grind for me. I feel like I literally haven't slept a full night since the presidential debate because so much is just happening. But anyway, I go in and I'm like all day, I'm like, I'm going to get my massage and then everything is going to be fine, right? Like I'm going, all day, I'm like, I'm gonna get my massage and then everything's gonna be fine, right? Like, I'm gonna be chilled out. And so I get there and I lie down. And this man, because it's kind of a hole in the wall,

there's separators, but the ceiling, we like... Sure. Yeah, it's just open at the top. Exactly, that's what I was looking for. And so I'm hearing this man, like, grunt. Oh, no, okay, sorry. I'm getting my fucking stories mixed up because this happened twice in a row.

Okay, the first time this man just snored. Oh. But Monica, not like run of the mill, like, okay, you're on an airplane and the guy next to you just falls asleep. This was disturbing levels. I actually was like, is he okay? So snored the entire, and then would like wake himself up

and then fall back into it. Just extremely, but at that point I was like, okay, this can be funny. I can make this funny and not just be mad that this ruined my massage, but like it kind of did. Of course, you couldn't relax. Exactly. So then I go back wanting to correct this massage event.

Same place. Same place, same time. Literally, the following Friday. And then I'm like, okay, finally, we're good. No, I think I went like an hour earlier in case he's like a regular or something. Oh, smart. I go and then this man, another man, I'm assuming, is just expressing pleasure and also pain

in a way that undisputably feels and sounds sexual. Wait, so you think he was getting a hand job? This is not that kind of place. They literally have a little sign because I'm sure it's happened. Because yeah, some of these cheaper places, sometimes you're like, is it? But this one is definitely not.

But so I don't even, I mean, I hope he won't. Because yeah, some of these cheaper places, sometimes you're like, is it? But this one is definitely not. But so I don't even, I mean, I hope he won't say it. To the authorities, don't go to this place on Franklin. Don't look into it. Everything's on the up and up and don't ruin Liz's place. But wait, now I'm like, was that happening? I don't think so. It's more common than you think.

And I only know this from my guy friends who have been offered. No. Not at that place. You know what place I'm talking about? No, I don't. I'm talking about the valley. Oh my God. But they have a sign that literally says-

I think they have to say that because it is illegal, so they'll get shut down if they get caught. But I mean, look, I don't know. I'm sure this place is great. By the way, whatever. Maybe it's great regardless, but this is a thing that happens. I mean, I've heard it's a thing that happens,

but I feel like it happens in like, you know, there's curtains and dark. Anyway, okay, well now this took a turn. I really hope I didn't witness. But this is a bigger point about men don't realize the amount of male sexuality that's forced upon us from... When I say early age, I mean, we are children, right? Like, the first time that male sexuality was forced upon us

was when every woman was a girl. And to me it was just like, oh, wow, this guy doesn't realize how those sounds. And sometimes even like guys will do it at the gym, which again, I'm sure I'll get a ton of hate. I think that men don't realize that those sounds are, anyway, for me, it's very like, not big T triggering, but kind of.

Like, I get uncomfortable if it's loud and it's repeated. It is uncomfortable. You don't go to a gym and hear women grunting in the way that I think men just, I'm not saying this guy is like a horrible guy. It's a thing that a lot of men have growing up in a patriarchal society, which is no one has sort of taught them about the female experience. The impact it could have.

Yes. But then, okay, then I got a third massage in New York and I had the best massage experience of my life because I inadvertently booked a blind masseuse. And I didn't know it was Bliss Spa in SoHo, shout out because I think employing people with disabilities is extremely cool and important. And so Jenna at Bliss, Soho, highly recommend her. I show up and the guy at the reception was like, oh, just so you know, your massage therapist is visually impaired.

And I think he said something of like, she'll recognize you by voice or like she'll use voice to, you know, something. And I was like, I am so excited about this. And she was incredible. It was the best I've ever had. Everything about the experience was so positive. And there was a redemption arc to my massage events. You put in the time and the effort and the energy.

100%. I've never had a visually impaired massage therapist. It was so exciting. Me either. But I have had a hearing impaired massage therapist. And he also was incredible. I've had a hearing impaired massage therapist and he also was incredible. I've had a few hearing impaired Uber drivers. Yep.

And they tell you on the app, which I think is so great. There's also a hearing impaired cashier at 7-Eleven in Los Feliz. And I just immediately love the company more when I see that. So it was great. Thank you, Jenna. I actually hold on because I had a note to ask you something. Let me see. Oh, okay. This is unrelated to anything we've been talking about.

I love it. I love a hard pivot. I mean, we've pivoted a lot in this episode. Many pins and pivots. But because both of us do a lot of computer work out in the world. Yes. This question's twofold. What do you do when you have your computer out, you have like, you know, your sparkling water with you,

and you have to pee, but you're not done. You're gonna be there for another hour or something. What do you do? Do you leave your shit? I love this question, because yeah, I can't really write from home, so I'm always out and about. Me and you are out and about.

We are all over this city with our computers. Yes, and we drink liquids. You drink less of your liquids than I do. Wherever you are, you have some beverage in front of you because that's how you're paying to be there. Yes, 100%. Okay, so first of all, I'll say that I've used this technique to meet guys at coffee shops, several dates, okay, from this technique, which is, I don't even have to go to the bathroom,

but I'm like, I want to talk to this guy. Or like, I can tell there's some eye contact and it's 2024 and men are like afraid, I think to some extent, rationally afraid to go up to women in public. And so I'm like, okay, I'll just do it for you. So I will often ask someone to watch my stuff and I will zero in on the cutest person. That's pretty people-privileged, Liz. They could still be thieves.

Well, that would be smart. That could be a full-time gig to just be hot at coffee shops. And steal people's shit. That's probably more than you think. But okay, actually, this is great. Let's do a poll. Because I have trouble believing. Because you're right. When we do that, we're just asking a stranger and we're just trusting them with our belongings. But when I do it, there's no part of me that would ever think that this person would leave with my things. But has someone ever asked someone to wash their stuff and then came back and it was

gone? Has that ever happened? I don't have any anecdotal evidence to support that. I don't either. But the whole point of being afraid to leave your stuff is that you are afraid someone will come take it. A stranger. And so asking another stranger, so I,

this is of course our difference in life always. But yes, I would be more inclined if there's a woman nearby, I would say, hey, I'm running to the bathroom. Is there any way you could just watch my stuff super quick? It's like, and this is a real thing. You have to teach your kids if they're lost to find a woman to ask. And this is the real thing, you have to teach your kids, if they're lost, to find a woman to ask.

And this is the same situation to me. I can't trust any man. Also, he might read what's on my computer. I don't know, I just don't trust it. Wow. But I always, always, and this is so, well, first of all, I just hold the pee and I get, you know, bladder infections.

Same. Yeah. Wait till I'm done, like an hour and a half or two hours later and then ready to explode. Or I like finish the drink fast, put my stuff away, walk to the bathroom, pee, walk back, hope the table's still open and open my computer, but like do the whole thing all over again, it's such a pain.

Okay, but I've done this a few times. If it's empty or let's say, I don't know, I have my passport with me, which would not happen, but let's say I have something that's really- Your purse, I mean, you have your purse. Yes, like if I have footage, like when I'm shooting my doc, I cannot lose this footage, like it's, you know, like there's no copies of it.

So I will leave stuff at the table table or like leave my sweater and my drink so that my table is preserved, but then I can take my stuff in the bathroom with me. And you have no fear of being drugged. You think someone's going to drug? Oh my God. I've never. So, okay. The reason I'm asking you this is I already had this conversation with friends

and leaving an open drink is step one, alphabet A, don't do that. Like, you're not supposed to. Well, in a bar, but like during the day? I'm pretty paranoid and that's never crossed my mind, but maybe it should. It might not be during the day though. Let's hypothetically say it's six.

Yesterday I worked from like six to eight. I would not have left a drink. That sucks. I just hate that like, you know, it's just I would just love to live in a world where we're all not afraid of each other. But you're right. I never think, well again, I don't take drinks from strangers, don't leave open containers. Or even when I would go like dancing when I was of that age of doing that on the weekends I'd be careful even with the drink I was holding. Well exactly Okay, two things so a friend said that one time she was sitting at the bar doing work or something and had a drink

And so then she asked the bartender she was like can I run to the bathroom? Can you watch my drink and they said of course and they pulled the drink That's what I would do covered Covered the top, which I think is really nice. So that's also a good thing. You could always ask, like, whoever's behind the counter, I guess. But also, I guess there's a trend. I'm shocked you don't know it. I'm shocked.

A trend I don't know. Love this for me. That I guess women, to prove how easy it is to put something in people's drinks, they are using Swedish fish to like drop in people's drinks. Really? So then you see it, then it's obvious. And it's so easy. You go in to hug someone and you just throw it in.

Totally. Oh my God. People are doing that online? Yeah. It's a trend. Fuck. Yeah, that's scary. It is scary, but I don't... Yeah, I wondered what your protocol was. I clearly have the wrong priorities. I'm trying to pick up guys instead of... Protect yourself.

Protect myself from them. That's so funny though, because that's us. To a T. That sums it up. I'm just like, how am I going to get this guy to... That's so funny. Well, I want to hear what people, what other people do. I'm very curious. That's a really good question. Okay. Now let's do some questions here.

This is relevant to the times. It's from Kamala Harris? Yes. She wrote in. Can I ignore election news? This is from Megan. By the way, these are from before all the stuff that's happened in the last week, just FYI. Not that that necessarily makes a difference, but just for context. I love the show and look forward to it each week. I'm interested in your thoughts on following the election news this cycle. I'm of course going to vote and I have monthly donations set up. I used to volunteer for campaigns, but in this stage of life with two little kids, one on the way and a full-time job, I know it's not feasible.

I've always followed the news and polls so closely, but it also just causes me so much stress. Do you think it's okay to just ignore it as much as possible until election day? Thank you. Yes. Yeah. 100%. 1 million percent. Especially because you're voting,

you're doing more than most people who are very loud and very invested in it. That's literally all you can do. So yeah, keep your peace. I love it. And again, it's like, there's just so many ways of A, being civically engaged. And again, I think we tend to think it's like the big things

or yeah, if I didn't organize a food drive or a yeah, you know, there's these huge groups being organized right now over zoom to sort of get people to fundraise or to get people registered to vote. And obviously, like all of those things are great. But there's so many other versions of contributing to your community that are different from those more front facing or I guess, traditional ways of getting involved. And I think like reading the news, which at this point can translate as just doom scrolling. Right now people have been saying there's like hope scrolling, which I think is a definite great break from that. But yeah, like if it bleeds it leads. So the news tends to cover things and again, all the algorithms, we have to talk about all of the factors here at play. But like, there's a lot of emphasis on

what's not going well, and the things that are going well don't get as much coverage, or you won't see them as much. Yeah, it's there to cause stress. It rewards all of the sort of factors right now, which some of them are, yeah, the media, but some of them are outside of that, right, just tech and algorithms, but they reward outrage.

And sometimes I feel that I am guilty of this, where I will read all these things, but then I'm not doing anything. Or that day I just read about all these terrible things happening, and then it puts me in an emotional state where I'm actually less engaged. Maybe I'm not smiling to my neighbors as much, or doing small things that would actually

make the world better because I'm apathetic and feeling hopeless lying in bed doom-scrolling, right? So I think Meghan is a great example of being a citizen of the world and what you're doing changing depending on your circumstances and what makes you feel good. Like, it should feel good to be engaged. So go towards what feels good. I agree. Put your life vest on first. That's what they say.

Okay. I'm just seeing the heavy box question. That was so good. The heavy box? Remember last week the husband who didn't help the employee? Such a good cue. Your nails are so cute. Oh, thank you. I got them done. Okay. I'm hiding credit card debt from my husband.

This is from anonymous. Hi ladies I love you too so much and hope you'll help me with a really hard situation My husband and I have a shared account for our bills and child expenses and we have our own accounts for personal spending I have a credit card balance that he doesn't know about and it's crushed me. I can't get a handle on it I'm not over spending on myself. I don't use a credit card, but the interest rate is so high It barely makes a difference when I make a payment. I feel like I can't tell him about this situation because his personal financial situation

is so much better than mine. We make the same amount of money, but he somehow has savings and his packages show up every day while I'm slowly chipping away at my debt and just trying to get ahead. It's especially hard when he wants to do things like a vacation that he thinks we can afford, but I don't think I should spend money

since I don't actually have any. I'm sorry you're in this situation. This is really tough. My thought is to tell him, because it's driving you nuts. It's obviously weighing on you, and I think the relief you'll feel, even if the response is not fantastic,

you'll feel relief that you don't have to carry this weight. But also, I think you could say like, hey, I need help. How are you doing this? Because something's not adding up here because you make the same amount of money and yet I'm really struggling. Can you help? I mean, he's your husband.

He's invested in the outcome here, so he should help you. Yeah. means your husband. He's invested in the outcome here, so he should help you. Yeah, there's so much shame associated with money and so much, not just shame, but I guess secrecy and money is just something we all never talk about, right? Like whether it's positive or negative. I remember even being a kid and like asking my dad, like I was like, how much money do you make? And just kind of like wrapping my head around like salaries.

And I just remember learning like, you're not supposed to ask people like wrapping my head around like salaries. And I just remember learning like you're not supposed to ask people that. And I remember being like, again, eight or nine or whatever the fuck I was and being confused. And being like, but why is that a rude question? And so if that's rude, and you're not supposed to say that, imagine having debt or having difficulty with money or dealing with any kind of financial stress. People always feel like they, yeah, they need to hide it or they need to have it under control and then they'll be able to be normal or be like everyone else, quote unquote. It is so common. I mean, credit card debt and just debt in general talk about a relatable issue for so many people. And

yeah, like I was just in a chat last night with some people and someone shared, you know, oh, I'm 32 and she's a teacher. And she was like, I can't believe I have to live in my childhood bedroom, it's so embarrassing. And then people started sharing like, I was like, I'm 37 and I have a roommate. Someone else was like, I do, you know, and everyone was sharing different.

And it was just so beautiful to kind of see her be like, oh, you guys are right, like, it's not me, right? And so all this to say that there's a saying in 12 Star Programs, like, we're only as healthy as our secrets. I think that's the saying. Yeah, it is. Secrets have a way of, sometimes it's like, just because you're holding a secret, it's

almost like you're confirming to yourself that it's bad. It's almost like a subconscious thing. I'm sorry. It's we're only as sick as our secrets. Yeah. I know. It's like, I feel like that's not right. Yeah.

You know, again, I'm not saying that there are certain things you don't keep private, but having secrets, it sort of has a way of having this confirmation bias that there is something wrong with you or there is this horrible thing and if people know it, then they won't love you or won't accept you. And it's just not true. Yeah, and I think, I mean, he's your partner. So my guess is he'll be like, why didn't you tell me this earlier? I didn't know you were drowning over here.

Let's figure it out. And not, when I say ask for help, I don't mean ask for financial help. You don't need to say like, you need to now pay for this debt, but just advice. So how are you handling your personal finances that seem to be working? I ask so many people for advice and help all the time.

You have to. We can't know everything. We aren't taught everything. We can't know everything. So you have to ask. And again, he's invested in you and your future. And so my hope is he would love to help you and help get you guys out of this situation. So I definitely, for so many reasons, I think you should say something. You'll feel so much better after. You guys will come up with a plan. And just feel like your team, you know,

again, not necessarily financially shouldering it, but. Emotionally. Yeah, and in all the other ways. And with your expenses and the sort of choices that you're making, like, I'm sure he'll just be so relieved to understand what you're going through and be like, oh my God, I probably made it so much harder

when I was like, let's go to Barbados. You know, like, I think he would want to know. You know, again, he doesn't want this to be more painful or harder on you. And unfortunately, because he doesn't know, he might be. And so I'm just guessing he'll be so glad that he knows. Yeah. Okay.

Should I tell my boyfriend that it makes me uncomfortable when he likes bikini pics on Instagram? that he knows. Yeah. Okay. and there are no hard facts to believe he is cheating. However, I find myself to be in threat detection mode on high alert of any clue that he is cheating on me. In my heart of hearts, I know he isn't. However, there is one fact that I discovered that makes me super uncomfortable. He likes sexy pics of this one girl he follows on Instagram. They are either bikini pics or focused on her ass, her titties are bursting out of her shirt.

I would say they are objectively thirst traps. I find myself asking myself, is it reasonable to feel uncomfortable? Would I have the same reaction her titties are bursting out of her shirt. I would say they are objectively thirst traps. I find myself asking myself, is it reasonable to feel uncomfortable? Would I have the same reaction if her body wasn't so curvy? Should I tell him how I feel? It makes me feel hurt and almost embarrassed because I feel like he's publicly saying,

I like what I see, but we are in a committed relationship. This would essentially reveal that I am monitoring his behavior on Instagram. I know not healthy because I don't actually know follow the girl myself. I know there is self-esteem work I need to do on my end, but should I tell him how I feel in the meantime? Yes. I'm like unequivocally, I literally think it's a respect issue because not only are you seeing it, but other people are seeing it. And when I see one of my friends' boyfriends liking anything that even is close to a thirst trap, they

go down in my esteem. I just think it's so weird. Consume those images if you want. I think we've talked about this. I don't think watching porn is a big deal or I wouldn't take it personally. But you're not doing it in front of everybody. And your girlfriend's friends knowing what you like and what you're into and what you're consuming, I think it is so easy not to double tap on that image.

And if that's too much, that's a bigger conversation. I don't think it's about you're not allowed to find that attractive or you're not allowed to like this. Even again, I think following Instagram models, maybe I'm too intense around this, but when I meet a guy, I immediately go to his follows on Instagram, because I want to see, and again, I'm not saying I'm not going to pursue the relationship

or like go on a date with a person because they follow Instagram babes, but that gives me a lot of information about them. Like we're not 22. Well, I don't know how old these people are. Yeah, I don't know. I disagree that who you follow should necessarily affect your respect level, but this is bothering you and this is where we're always going to land basically, is if something is bothering

you that you should communicate it. And I think the way you're describing it even to us is with a lot of understanding, compassion, acknowledgement that maybe it's an insecurity on your end. And I think if all that is said, there's nothing he can say back. Like you acknowledge, I think I'm dealing with some insecurity here, but this really makes me uncomfortable. Let's talk about it. Yeah. And I hope the end of that conversation is,

yeah, I won't do that anymore from him to make you feel better. I would definitely have a conversation. And I do understand feeling like, ugh, now that's going to out me for doing like weird deep dives. And I'll be very honest, I would feel like, why are you doing that? If someone said it to me, I am cosigning that that is a fear and he could be like,

well, I don't like that you were doing that. And then you can say, I know, I don't like that I did that either. That's a separate topic for us to talk about and for us to work through. But it's like when people find out their partner's cheating by going through their phone, which is a tricky thing because I do think it's a big invasion of privacy to go through anyone's phone. But you can't really, when someone's confronting you and saying, I found out that you cheated, to say like, well, you went through my phone. It's like not the appropriate. It's

just not going to work. It's that you found something. So it's like your impulse is correct. It'd be one thing if like I went through your phone, I didn't find anything. It's like, whoa, okay, that's a thing we should be talking about. But I will say I'm not obviously in your relationship at all, but I'm also have a lot of anxiety and have been anxiously attached like in many relationships. But I have found that very often when I look back, who I was my most anxious around, this person was, for some reason, unavailable. Whether it was emotionally unavailable or, again, had a wandering eye.

Yes, we need to work on our stuff, but when your alarm bells are going off, I also think you should trust yourself. And I think especially in this case, sometimes it's in your feed and it's showing up because you're following your boyfriend, and so, like, you'll see these things in in your feed and it's just like, okay, I didn't have to dig. I'm not going back and saying like,

you like this photo and you know, March 13th, 2015, like I also think there's something about Instagram. I mean, this is just my personal view, but Instagram is like the public space at this point. It's sort of like the sidewalk to me liking Instagram pics of like thirst traps is sort of the equivalent of walking down the street with your girlfriend and then checking out another woman while she's there. Again, you can look at thirst traps and sort of explore that media on your

own time, but like Instagram is a public forum. And so I don't think women are crazy when they say it's a respect issue or again, like it doesn't feel good to me because other people are seeing it. It is like the equivalent and even more so right some of us spend more time on Instagram than we do on the sidewalk so I think treating it it's not just Instagram it's a place where a lot of us spend a lot of time and where a lot of people are watching each other and sort of assessing each other and then so I think there should be a lot of respect there for each other in general. Yeah I think there should be a lot of respect there for each other in general.

Yeah. I don't think she should attempt to correct behavior based on what other people would see or think personally. But that's not what she's saying. She hasn't said anything about friends. She doesn't like it. And so that is enough to say something and to talk it out with him. You know, and who knows what he'll say. That's true. Yeah, he may be like, oh my God, I don't even, you know, it's so not a big deal unfollowed. Yeah, exactly. But definitely talk to him.

I think you're going to have no issue talking about it in a evolved way based on the way you wrote in. Yeah. So that is it for today. But we'll be back next week. You'll be back from New York? I will. We will be in person. We'll be back in the attic?

The room. Oh, the room. Well, I don't know where we'll be. But we will be together. Can't wait. Alright, see you next week. Bye.