Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: Vorsh!

Episode Date: December 6, 2023

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz debate high school hotness, they role play an important negotiation, and a special guest joins the squad to talk about eating while masturbating & fluid sexuality. They answer listener questions on how to set a boundary with a family member who drinks too much and if one needs to tell their new love interest that they slept with a hometown ex. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Liz, you're home. You've been gone. I have been gone and I almost brought you a mug, but I was like, she for sure has the London Starbucks mug and I'm drinking out of it right now. Actually, is that from here, right?

It is. Yeah, I walked in and it's the first thing I saw. It'm drinking out of it right now. Actually, is that from here, right? It is. Yeah, I walked in and it's the first thing I saw. It's mine that I've left here. This is an occupational hazard. But yeah, I have one. Okay, good. But you had pig day. I had pig day.

With Jess. I did. To remind everyone, pig day is the Saturday after Thanksgiving every year. I guess it's our third and a half year where Jess and I go to Home Depot and get a Christmas tree. And then he drags it from the car to my house. He makes lots of noises on the way. Like grunting? Yeah. Like it's so hard for him to get the tree.

Like on purpose or it is hard? I mean, it is tight. It's a tight turn. There's a pivot. It's a very tight turn. It's a really big tree and he's funny. He is funny. So I always set the stand up and then he, you know, comes rushing in and stumbling in and then he does a thing called way of abortion. He gets an abortion? No. No, no, no, no, not abortion. He does this thing where he's trying to like muster up all his energy. If he's like picking up the tree,

right? Where it's like when weightlifters go like, huh, sure. It's that, but instead of the huh, he says vorsch. And so he says, vorsch. And so he had to vorsch like seven or eight times to get it in the right spot. Anyway, it was lovely. Do you want to see a picture of it?

Did I send it to you? No. Okay. I really want to see. Let me send you the tree. Okay, great. My roommate and I decided to do a pink tree. Lovely.

So her sister sent us a fake but beautiful and it's not alive, but I feel like it has a soul. Yes. Do you feel like it has a gender? It definitely does. Is a woman. Like I was like, they, them, like when it showed up at the door, but now that we're pulling it out of her box. It's her. Yeah. She's told us. I know. That's how it works. That is. When we first got to Home Depot, I was, okay.

Oh my God, this is so cute. Do you like it? It's like a movie tree. It is a model. What do you mean a model? Like this could model. Yes, it's a model. It's like one of those things when you have a child actor

and it's like, how responsible is it for us to be like exploiting her? Right. Just because she's so beautiful. I think as long as you don't create like a separate Instagram account for her, I think it's fine. Okay.

I think if you are doing, okay, no, I don't want to say that because some people might take it this way. Oh, God. Well, some people see it as taking up real estate. When you have a baby now, apparently,

in the list of things that now you have to do that boomer parents never had to think about, hence our theory of being a parent in the 90s would have been so much easier. You have to buy their name, their website name, and then create their Instagram page with their name because it's like worth something, right? I know. I know. That's insane. I know. I don't want to do that. I've heard that about email, but also why? Anyone can make their email. Like, why does it have to be your just name?

Yeah. Mine's not. I'm not going to say what it is. Well, it's a part of it, but it's not like, it's not like. I mean, Monica at Gmail would be pretty dope. If you had the original Monica, that's cool. That's cool. Okay, that's cool.

But there's been so many Monicas before me. That's only if you name a kid like Vorsch. Vorsch at Gmail. We should buy Vorsch at Gmail. It probably is taken. Give it to Jess. Everything is taken. Yeah, it probably is taken.

And also, 20 whatever years from now, it'll be something else. Whatever our parents would have bought for us digitally at the time. Yeah. Is so out. I mean, what like a MySpace account, I guess would have been the. I would love social media if we just stopped at MySpace. I never used MySpace. That's why we should have stopped.

You know what I mean? Yeah. You would never spend out. I mean, maybe someone did, but you weren't losing your soul. Like, and just entire sense of reality. Did you have a live journal? What's that? It was like a blog page, sort of. But a lot of people had them and they would just write their thought.

It was kind of like an online diary in a way. Do you remember it? I do. We made a website in like fourth or fifth grade. Does that make sense? That's early. I know. It feels very early.

Maybe it was a bit, maybe I'm, but I do think because you're 11, you're like, okay, what am I going to write about? And it's just the mundane. I mean, I would love to read yours. It probably exists somewhere. Should we Google it? No, I'm not in the mood. Maybe that'll

be our social video. We'll go find, we'll find it if it exists well people loved your diary i i think you should bring it back we could do a part two i demand yours too yours was just in french mine was in french it's like you had to translate barrier also my friend who i was talking about she had to explain to her kid some which I don't know why. Maybe she was listening out loud and the kids were around or something. That must have been. She was looking at the video and then she had to do some explaining to her children. Her boyfriend became her brother. What is that sentence? Monica.

Monica. What? Okay. Her parents were divorced and his parents were divorced. And her mom married his dad. They're still married. They're really happy and beautiful and wonderful. Wow. Yeah. So he became her stepbrother. Were they dating?

No. They were done dating. Well, I think they were dating when her mom and stepdad started. I mean, that's how they met. Wow. Isn't it kind of cool? I mean. They stopped dating.

Not for that. He was, he is, by the way, I haven't seen him in a long time because I'm like kicked out of Facebook. Oh, you're logged out. I just don't know how to get it back in. Same. That and Twitter, by the way. But who cares? That's not a loss.

A blessing. But he was the hottest guy in school. Okay. He was so hot and beautiful model face, like my tree. Oh, God. But Ashley was also the most beautiful girl in school. So she had her pick. And she then dated this other guy right after that,

who was like the second hottest guy in school. Did everyone agree on the rankings? And she then dated this other guy right after that who was like second hottest guy in school. Did everyone agree on the rankings? Would you make rankings in your diary of like boys and like friends? Yeah. I mean, now in retrospect, it's funny to say like that's the hottest person in our school, right? Because now you know more about life and hotness. Now, I think who she dated second is actually number one to me.

Got it. But just model face-wise, I think we all agreed on the first person. I feel like with women, it's a little bit more complex. Complicated. I think that's right. Yes.

Here's the difference. I think this is truly backed up by data. No, it is. Okay. No, well, not with kids. I don't know about kids, but generally men versus women, where men do put a larger emphasis on looks. Oh, for sure. Than women do. And so that means that, yes, of course, women are also superficial in that way, but we take in other, like, there would be those guys that were just sevens, but they were so funny and had such great personalities and were so, like Chandlers.

Like to me, like that's a Chandler. Like Chandler is good looking too, by the way. Yeah. And Ross. Like they made all these people nerds and weird

and really they're all hot. 100%. But with girls, I think that's a little harder to, even a girl who's really, again, it's not as high. Yeah. Well, I think that's a little harder to, even a girl who's really, again, it's not as high. Yeah. Well, I think also at that age in high school, everyone's just trying to fucking survive it and be like, figure out their way to the top of the food chain. Like, it's very cutthroat. And so I think for boys, well, like, okay, my, my Dairy Queen boy,

For boys, well, like, okay, my Dairy Queen boy, he wanted to date me, but he couldn't by the standards of the school and the world at the time. He was trying to protect himself in this like pecking order. So boys did that a lot via the girls they were dating. Yeah. And so it mattered like how popular they were, how beautiful they were. And even if they really liked a person and like thought they were so funny and maybe like actually wanted to date them. Yeah. There was a piece that held them back if they weren't popular or. Sure. Fitting within the normative standards of beauty, which again, men outwardly claim to have certain standards or again, stereotype of like men wantly claim to have certain standards or again,

stereotype of like men want to date models. But that's because that makes them look good to other men. Exactly. But not necessarily because of what they prefer. Actually, now that we're talking about it, there was a guy in our high school. I bet he was kind of daxy a little bit where he was bad. He was like a bad boy. And I was such a good girl that I was like, I don't understand this. Because everyone wanted to fuck him. Wow. Not really.

They weren't really fucked. I mean, some people did. But they wanted to date him so bad. People were like fighting over him. Friends would fight. It was a whole thing. And I never understood it because I was like, what's going on? Like, he's bad. What is it about him? And now I know for sure that he would

100% be my pick. Okay. So now you go for bad boys. Well, no, I just think I probably didn't let myself. I was also doing such a fucked up thing in my own head about wanting people I couldn't have mainly. But within that, like wanting the model looking boy or the number two model looking boy, I wanted that status too. I was doing more of probably what the boys were doing as far as just like seeking a very specific look and person for status. Yes. And for girls, having a boyfriend gives you higher status than for boys having a girlfriend. I'm doing my math. Even at our age, for a woman to have a boyfriend, it is more status proving than for a guy to have a girlfriend.

A guy won't parade and be like, look at my cool girlfriend. Whereas a woman, I think, will just bring it up more status proving than for a guy to have a girlfriend. A guy won't parade and be like, look at my cool girlfriend. Whereas a woman might. I think we'll just bring it up more. There's a lot of women in my life who bring up their partners so much, but it's not a status thing so much as they give these men a ton of power in their life. I see it. The phrase even blah, blah, blah says. Have you ever heard that?

I have some friends who will be telling me a story about their own personal opinion. And it feels good and strong and real. And I'll be like, even Matt says, or even Dax says, I'm now just putting in. Even Rob said, as in now I should believe it because this man thinks it too and has validated it, I really bristle at that. Yeah. Because I'm like, you already made your point well without needing this extra cherry on top. Well, this man says it also, so it has to be true. Like, we're all part of this patriarchy. We're all doing it, including me, too. I'm not better than. I just notice it so much. Also, just because I've been single for so long, I really notice it. Sure. Also, women just give, we just give away our power, period.

Well, me and you have talked about this recently where I've been like, Liz, you do this. Not just to men. I think you do it to a lot of people. No. And lately I've been seeing it with women in my life where I'm like, I've had to, I mean, again, with your help and guidance, you know, I'm thankful to be challenged in that way. Well, you're very receptive, which I appreciate. Oh, thanks. The best thing you can do for your friends is to hold up a mirror, right? And of course, I'm not saying like when I'm crying and I'm upset, you're like, you did this to yourself. Like, you know, this is a pattern for you. But I think I'm always really grateful. And so, yeah, lately I've been like, why do I do that? Why am I doing that? It's almost like programming,

right? It is an early programming. That's what Orna would say. Who's? Couples therapy. Oh, is that her last name? That's her first name. That's her first name? It was on the plane, by the way. Did you watch it? Okay. So it was on my list because it's a long flight. Oh my God, it's so long. Okay, I watched a whole ass masterclass about negotiating. Interesting. Well, first I watched the Chris. Chris Jenner has one about personal branding. And I was like, oh, this is, I'm just interested.

That's great. And it was, I didn't particularly find it that helpful. But this guy. Who is it? Christopher Voss. Yes. Oh, we had him on the show. Okay. That's what I was like, I'm sure they've had him on. So now I got to go re-listen to that. But it was really. He's great. Really great. Yeah. Really, really great.

I learned so much. Do you want to practice? Yes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Because he does these practice things in the masterclass and I watched them and I was so nervous for the lady who was the actress. He was like, okay, we have one minute. We're doing a hostage negotiation. You have to get me to come things in the master class and I watched them and I was so nervous for the lady who was the actress. He was like, okay, we have one minute. We're doing a hostage negotiation. You have to get me to come out.

Here we go. One minute. I just got so nervous. Is this splustered? Yes. Let's practice. Okay, let's practice. Okay, so you're trying to,

I guess whatever you learned is what you're supposed to implement. Okay, I will. I will. Okay. I have to be someone who is what? You have to be asking me for something I don't want to do. I don't want to do.

So you have to, and it could be, you know, I want to go to Hawaii. You do want to go to Hawaii. Oh, I do. I do. It doesn't work. Okay. Liz, I want you to talk publicly about your poop this morning. Oh my God. Okay. You want me to talk about my poop? The poop this morning. Oh my God.

Okay. You want me to talk about my poop? The poop you took. I assume you took a poop this morning. Did you? I actually didn't, which makes, well, I'm jet lagged. Oh, shit. I think that's part of it.

Okay, Liz, I want you to talk publicly about the worst sexual experience you ever had. Okay. You want me to talk about the... Okay. Okay. Which one? Okay. You want me to talk about the worst sexual experience I've ever had? Most embarrassing. Most embarrassing. Yeah. Okay. I want you to talk about it on the show. I think it's really important for people to hear these types of things so that they feel seen. Yeah. So that they feel seen. Yeah. Okay. Okay. Okay. You already feel like you're coming on my side?

No. I just know exactly what I'm doing because you're repeating so much. You're repeating. Okay. Okay. Okay. You know the tips. I don't remember them, but you already know. It's so obvious. Okay. Liz, because it's really important. Okay. Truly. Because if people don't hear these types of things, they feel so alone. And then people are having less sex in the world. And I think there's like shame. There's a lot of shame.

Okay. Just no one, Jake. Oh my God. I don't think that was all he did. Just talk. Let me talk. Let me talk. Go.

Okay. Go. Okay. So it seems like making sure that people don't feel shame in their lives is important to you. Big time. For you too, right? You love to clear the air for people. Yeah.

It's one of your tenets. It's one of my tenets. I also, okay, let me just say, I also think that I do that naturally. That is how I, and it's not a technique. It's just how I talk. So this was also the weird thing while I was watching this masterclass was like, I feel like I do a lot of these things,

but I don't think, I mean, maybe I'm this manipulative bitch, but like, I don't, it's not because I'm trying to manipulate the other person. I do repeat what people say. I do ask a lot of questions and try to understand what drives them. And there's a whole thing about,

we're out of the negotiation. There's a whole thing about like empathy and I haven't negotiated a lot, but I have been good. I will say I, for some reason, have a really, even though I didn't do that many jobs where I would have to negotiate,

I have been very good at it. But again, without that much knowledge or comprehension. Like for pay? Yeah, for pay. Like where I accidentally, honestly, kind of almost doubled my salary within one. Wow, that's great. You know, where there was an offer and I was like, I didn't realize that silence is, or again, not talking too much and just letting them kind of like spin a bit is kind of an important, it can be an important strategy. And I didn't expect it to,

I thought it would like, oh, well, this will be the end. And it was like, no, here's, I still remember them sliding this piece of paper with this new contract. And I had to tell myself like, Liz, don't stop smiling. Because I had never seen that much money in my entire life. I was like, this is insane. This is so much money. I'm going to have to pretend like

it's, but it was so exciting to me. So anyway. Wow, that's great. So I am okay at it. But okay, so we're back to the, okay. So people not feeling shame is really important to you. And it's really important to me. So how can we work together so that that can happen? I think you could just tell the story of your most embarrassing sexual experience. Yeah. I think you could just tell the story of your most embarrassing sexual experience. Yeah. I think you should just do it. Yeah. You think I should just do it? Okay. Why won't you do it? What's holding you back? What's holding me back is, would you want to share your most horrible experience? I don't have very many sexual experiences, I don't have very many sexual experiences.

And that's unfortunate for me. But you do. I do. I do. Okay, would it be ridiculous if I shared my most embarrassing story of an accident that I got into instead? Would that be ridiculous that I would share that? Because if your goal is for us to, you know,

make people feel less shame around their lives. But I want it to be less shame around sex. So it doesn't make sense if you tell an accident. It doesn't make sense. But isn't sex an accident? Don't those things kind of connect for a lot of people? No. Well, you've never had a sexual experience that's embarrassing, so you wouldn't know. Well, I know that it's not an accident. Well, it can be an accident. It can be. Shame around sex is so different than shame around getting in an accident. The Venn diagram can cross, but sex has to be in there for the shame piece around sex to go away.

Well, if you've never had an embarrassing sex experience, how would you know that? Huh? You've never had an embarrassing sexual situation. Well, I'm afraid to. You're afraid to. Yeah, I'm afraid to. And part of it is because no one talks about scary sex stuff. And how I'm never having sex again until I hear this. But how would sharing a negative story make you more likely to engage in it? Because then it shows that these things happen, that it's OK, that then you can have an embarrassing sex story and then have a great sex story after or not or everything can be fine if that is part of your story.

But I'm just never going to have sex again until you tell me this. And it'll probably affect my well-being. Well, we don't want that. I want to make sure that your well-being is good. So you should probably tell me the story. So in order for your well-being to be better, you need to hear more embarrassing stories about sex. Oh, just about me. Okay. Well, Rob could share one too, but I would prefer it to be you because you're a woman and I can relate more to a woman. You can relate more to a woman. You can relate more to a woman.

Is part of the repeating so that you can just like- No, I'm actually, it's probably 80, I'm not even doing it on purpose now. I'm actually like thinking. Wow, it's just ingrained. But it's probably just ingrained. But do you think part of it is because you're trying to buy time? No, well, so he says it's so that you show that you're listening. And then also you're giving an opportunity for the person to share more. So I say, oh, that would help your well-being. And then you're like, yeah,

because again, in a normal conversation, you would not just be like hammering the same. You would be like, yeah, it would help my well-being a lot because. Well, you've never negotiated with the true terrorists before. Clearly. Okay. I think you need to practice a little bit more, maybe more sessions with me before you enter the hostage negotiation. We are supported by AG1. Right now is like major AG1.

Time. Time. I mean, if you're a long-term listener, you know we've been drinking AG1 for years at this point, but it's so good at the end of the year when you're eating so much stuff. Yes. Post-Thanksgiving, pre-winter holidays, like so much stuff that is not so good for you. I always feel so much better knowing I've had AG1 in the morning and I've

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Great hair and scalp health. Yes. Products that actually work. And what I really like is made with clean ingredients. It's made with clean ingredients. I love, obviously, all of the products that they send us. The shampoo. I love that hair serum. I use it at night to give myself that extra kick. And I am so obsessed with Vegamore. I bought Vegamore products on Black Friday.

You did? I literally did. Amazing. Again, whenever I run out of their eyelash serum, their eyebrow serum, I have to get more. Like there's a noticeable difference when I don't use it. That's so awesome. Yeah. And like you're putting serums like close to your eye, close to your brain.

You want it to be clean. Like you do. It makes a huge difference. Yes. So give your hair the power of the little pink bottle with Vegamor. For a limited time, synced listeners get 20% off their first order by going to vegamor.com slash synced and use code synced at checkout. That's V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash synced, code synced to have 20% off your first order. It's V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash synced. Code synced. The only reason why I think I would be okay, kind of okay to hostage negotiation is because I,

and I don't know if you're like this, but I get extremely, I'm a basket case in normal life when nothing is wrong. And then when something is very, like a stressful situation, I get eerily calm. And like, one of the things he talks about is like the playful, like just being playful and being like, I do weirdly get that way. Do you?

You know. I don't think so. Well, you're always calm. That's very sweet, but no, I get spirally in moments of crisis. I would not say I get calm, but I do get sprung into action. Okay. Immediately. Like that is my go-to. It's what do we do right now? And what do I do? And putting all these steps together, it's like a beautiful mind situation that starts happening with mania on top. With me.

Just a layer. Yeah. Okay. It's a thin layer of mania circling. Wow. Okay. Even when I thought you were dead that time. Yes.

That was happening. But you were pretty smart. You were doing some interesting zigzag moves. But that's what I mean. I spring into action. Right. What do I do? Okay.

This is what I do. I call Kate. Then I talk to Kate okay this is what I do I call Kate then I talk to Kate about this and we have to look at the Instagram and how often is as she has posted the Instagram okay it's been a while still haven't heard from her

oh no now the phone is this so now I have to we have to go to plan B and what is that and then I gotta call her sister you know it's not just like I don't know what to do

and I'm so sad it's not that it is I am acting. I'm going to call Emma and Emma's going to go to the apartment right now and she's going to go knock on the door and we're going to figure it out.

Right. It's all about figuring it out. You did. I did figure it out. You did. Not saying that's good, by the way. That wasn't good. Well, but it is to me, again,

obviously I wasn't dead and I also wasn't next to you. So I don't know the emotional state you were in, but the actions were very strategic and like, also wasn't next to you. So I don't know the emotional state you were in. But the actions were very strategic. And like, I'm impressed. Thank you. But it is bad because it is taking a major mental toll when I'm in that headspace. And even just the way I said that, the way I rolled this all out.

It's like, and then I do this, and then I do this, and then I do this. The way I just expressed it is the way it sounds in my brain. Like it is a, it's a full blown stress, like fight or flight. And I choose the fight, but it's just like so much adrenaline gets dumped and cortisol and all of that stuff. So it's not good for me. I'm trying, I'm trying, you know, I recently had an experience where it was happening, but I chose to do things a little bit different and to take more pauses before action. Well, and it was also funny because when I thought you were dead and I think we've talked about it on here, but you know, when I was doing my first round, when I was feeling the feelings and I was

like, oh, I don't, something doesn't feel right. And I haven't heard from her and that's not like her. And I texted a few people and one of them was Dax. And I was like, I'm worried about Liz. She hasn't responded in a couple of days to something. And I don't know what to do. And I feel like I should do something. He said something like, you're a nice friend or I'm sure she's okay.

He was not going to go with me down the fucking drain. He wasn't. So then I was like, done with you. Who else will help me right now? Of course, then I texted Jess and he was like, oh no. And I was like, yes, this is the energy I need. Oh no. Is it like, I need to fix it? Is is your go to and has been your go to from

a young age? Definitely. And what I'm really realizing now, we've talked about it a little bit on armchair is I'm just so afraid everyone's going to die all the time. And so when I have an instinct that that could be happening, it feels like it's all on me to prevent it. So whether it's like an addict thing or you and I didn't know and I was like, oh my God, but maybe she's depressed. It's a mental health thing. So we got to get in there now before it escalates. I have to prevent this. And when was the first time you remember feeling that way? I really don't know. It's so strange how old it is because it doesn't match up the level of fear with the things that have happened in my life.

You would think from age one to now, I've had just like so much death and so much chaos. And I haven't in that way. I mean, I have in some ways. But it's also trauma is not what happens to you. It's how you understand or how you make sense of what happens. Because I will go there too, where I'm like, why am I so like, I didn't grow up in a house with abuse and drugs everywhere. Exactly. I always just go, well, when you were little, like when that would happen, whatever version of that it was, could you go to an adult?

Because this whole idea of like, I have to fix it. It's all on me. It's like this hyper independent, which can be a facet of also your personality, right? It's all these factors, your age, your personality, what your teacher said that day

when that thing happened at home that wasn't even a big deal, but then became a bigger deal. Time in history, right? If you had been born now as like a brown little girl, not that there's, you know, we fix everything, but it is different.

It's different, yeah. Right? So yeah, like, did you feel like you could talk to your parents or did you feel like you were a burden or that they couldn't really help you? I didn't feel like I was a burden, but I also didn't feel like they understood stuff.

I remember when I went to my mom and I was like, I want short legs. Like I was so annoyed that this really cool girl had short legs and I didn't. And one of my favorite stories just ever. It's so cute. And I am like distraught and telling my mom, I don't like this. I want short legs. And she is just appalled. Like, why?

What the fuck are you talking about? She does not say that. She would never say that. But she was like, I think she just said like, Monica, nobody wants short legs. And then it's just like done with that. And by the way, she's right.

But I could not hear that as right. I could just hear it as like, she doesn't get it. So she's not trying to understand what you mean by that. She doesn't think, yeah, she doesn't think 30 years later,

you'll remember that. Exactly. She's like rushing out the door to work, to make money for the fucking house and all this shit. And I'm like, I want short legs. It's like, no one has time for

this bullshit. Stop it. And so I always felt that they were on my side. Like even her saying that, like nobody wants short legs. She's saying your legs are perfect and people want your legs. But I couldn't hear that. But she didn't also say that. She might have said, she never said you're perfect, but she might have said people want long legs like yours. But all I heard really was nobody wants what you want. Like nobody wants short legs and I don't have time for this. So I guess I felt, okay, these people love me and like me, but they don't understand the world. They don't understand that this world is made of short-legged people and we should want short legs. And they just don't even get that we should want short legs. I'm like, I can't talk to them about this and try to convince them because they don't get it. So arrogant, even at such a young age. Like, I don't have time for you. I can't. It's just so cute.

Hello. We have a guest today. We do. Yeah, we have a guest to disinquest. How are you? We've been listening to it. I always love that. It's a different Taylor Swift song. But this morning, it was The One.

And I was like, ooh, working out to The One. He's into it now. He's into The One right now. You're doing folklore? Because I feel like usually it's been midnights one. He's into it now. He's into the one right now. You're doing folklore? Because I feel like usually it's been midnights. Now we're getting into your folklore era. You've already passed my knowledge. Like what you just said sounds esoteric to me.

I do know the name of the three songs that are on my playlist. Okay. Lavender Haze. The One. Willow. Oh, Evermore. Evermore. Oh, Evermore. songs that are on my playlist okay lavender hayes the one willow oh oh evermore okay those are not all on the same album no all three different all three different albums that's interesting because i guess they're all different vibies but i want to say willow feels a little like lavender hayes oh no no no that's wrong That's wrong. That's wrong.

No, whatever. It's everyone's interpretation. No, that's wrong. Because Folklore and Evermore are sisters. Yes. They're sister albums. So those two

kind of go together. Wow. Willow's not my fave. You don't like it? It's okay. Cowboy Like Me, I feel like you would be really into if you like Willow

to sing. Well, I'm going to give be really into if you like Willow to sing. Well, I'm going to give TS quite a compliment, which is to make my liked songs on Spotify, something has to be in rotation for like probably six weeks. Like I got to love it for six weeks and listen to it a lot to commit it to my liked songs. Oh, wow. It has to stay on the test of time. So like I am more scrutinizing about what goes on my liked songs than anything. It's so important to me. If I hear one song that's just an 89% in my liked song, I'm like,

oh, yeah, I don't want to have to ever skip. Have you ever unliked? I have. Yeah. Some have been in there and then I'm like, every time it comes on, it drops the vibe a little bit. So all that to say, Taylor got two liked ads within the span of three hours on Friday. Wow. That's a first. That's huge. It is. I do feel like it's something big.

Have you heard Dress? Dress. Let's see if I've heard it. I mean, I have to imagine at this point I've heard every single song because of the girls. You might not have, though, because it's on Reputation. It's a very sexy song. Reputation sexy song reputation i feel like if anyone would sue it'd be her she has i love this yeah it's very sexy i need to listen to it more i'm gonna add it to my liked list add it yeah you know. You know what's really funny? Now that we're on the topic,

it's great to fuck to music, but you would never put a song on to masturbate, would you? That would feel insane. You would. I do too. Oh my gosh. Congratulations, you guys.

Yeah, for sure. Rob, would you ever put a song on? I don't know. I wonder if there's a gender thing. Wow. I can't see a man doing that really. It's different. What's your beat-up song, Monica?

It changes. Okay. It changes. I have one right now. Which one? I don't want to say. No. You're shy.

Well, hold on a second. I'm shy. We are. I'm shy today. I was negotiating. I have a quick question, though. Well, I have a guess followed by a question. Okay.

Because this is my right or wrong? My hunch is the song precedes the jerk off. What do you mean? Like you're listening to the song. The song makes you horny and then you decide to masturbate. As opposed to, I'm in the mood to masturbate. I'm going to get my toy out. I'm going to put this song on.

Both. Both happen. Both happen. What a wildcat. How about you, Liz? I have songs that remind me of- Sessions. Yeah, or a person or like a thing or a moment.

Or a session. But you know what women have been doing and sharing about online, which is certain foods that they'll eat while they're masturbating. Wait. It's like a thing of like, eat, yes.

Go for like a decadentent depending on what masturbating mood you're in okay that makes so much sense right because i eat um hard shell tacos when i masturbate really yes and then i ideally the crumbs get everywhere and then there's an added pop layer of texture but i feel like what are you guys okay no i know you're kidding but what no no it is and there's this whole again it's a tiktok but this woman is like okay if you're kidding, but what? No, no, it is. And there's this whole, again, it's a TikTok, but this woman is like, okay, if you're in this mood, like do the salty like chips, like just shoving it in your mouth. Like if you're going for something more decadent

and slow and sensual, like a truffle chocolate. During or right before? During, like the entire while you're doing it. I don't think I have the dexterity. What about a big smoked salmon? No! I mean, if that gets you off, if that gets you off.

No judgment. You know? Literally no judgment. I feel that that's not sanitary. No, come on. One hand? Do you need two hands? Oh, wow. I don't need two hands, but I don't like eating with my left hand, and I don't don't like eating with my left hand. And I don't want to masturbate with my left hand.

Yeah. That all adds up. Honestly, I would find it too much. Okay. Too much business. And then I'm thinking about the food and I'm not like, you could choke. This is a choking hazard. That's autoerotic.

Yeah. For some people, that's exactly an added bonus. Instead of strangulation, you just try to get a strawberry wedged in there temporarily. Oh, my God. You know, the ideal would be like some kind of food product that dissolves kind of quickly. So you could clog your passageway. And then just as you're about to die, it just dissolves enough. Jolly Rancher?

No. That's way too slow. That's scary. That's square. A macaroon? Is that the little stupid treat I don't like? The colorful? They kind of dissolve when you put them in your mouth.

Yeah. A marshmallow? Ew, slimy. Yuck. I mean, it depends. What's the grossest thing you... Well, how about this it would have to be

a small amount of ice tiny amount okay because then that would melt but if you do too big you will die I'm not interested

in it's too much it is okay I'm not I think great for people but asphyxiation is not for me

but what do you mean asphyxiation like because you're masturbating you would be like so out of it you wouldn't be able to like eat properly?

Kind of. Okay. You're getting into, okay. I mean, that's the state you're in. I feel like I can like, multitask.

Yeah. Maybe you send an email. Yeah. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean,

I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, Liz,

Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz, Liz,

Liz, Liz, Liz, mean? Liz, have you ever been secretly masturbating like on a Zoom call or anything? Okay, I have not. No, no, no, no. No, I love this. Okay, I have not done it while I'm on a Zoom call, but I've done something

while someone else was on a Zoom call. Oh, someone else was on a Zoom call and you were pleasuring that person. Yes, but he wasn't like camera. Like it wasn't like a creepy

thing like that. Oh, that's fun. I mean, it was COVID. Yeah. You guys never did that? Rob is looking down at the crowd. He can't say because all the Zooms he was on were with us. Yeah, and if we knew that Natalie was down there.

Yeah. Did you hear his voice changing at all during? Oh, he wasn't talking. Was his video on? No, his video. Like, he wasn't talking. He was on a meeting. Was his video on? No, his video. Like he turned the video off. He obviously turned the sound off.

But then we were hearing the entire meeting while we were. Oh, so it's less like he's trying to be composed. No. Because that's the hot part. Yeah. But I think that's like a violation. It is. I thought you were sharing that.

No. Well, it's exhibitionism a little bit. Yeah. The thing is, is everything's fine if you guys do it. Like if it's just the unwitting guy and then his girlfriend's doing something to him and he's just like, you know, trying to keep a straight face. There's no real problem. But if it's male initiated, also it's a problem. Yes, yes, yes.

That's right. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's like when you're at a restaurant and you're like playing footsies and like no one knows. Yeah. Foot up the skirt. Foot up the skirt. Yeah. Foot up the skirt. Bird up the skirt. Yeah. Foot up the skirt.

Bird up the skirt. How about in a movie theater? I'm sure you've done stuff in a movie theater. If you would have like frozen time in 1987 at the Milford movie theater. When I was getting born. When you were getting born. Yes. Because you were coming out into the world.

If you would have taken a snapshot of the Milford cinema in my town, 60% of the girls in the audience were getting fingered. Like, it was just a finger parlor. Stop. You went in junior high, and whoever had a girlfriend and a boyfriend, you knew what you were doing on Friday night. You were going for some finger blasting at the movie theater. And, like, next to you, it was happening also. Absolutely. Like, everyone's just, wow.

But the best part is, and then interspersed is like seniors from my small town. Yeah. Like grampies. Teenagers and Grammy and grampies. Oh, and are they also doing it? You would hope. I hope, yeah. I hope for them.

I have a question because this came up recently. Guys in Denmark told me, because I lived there for a year, and they told me that they would watch porn together and masturbate together. Yeah. And do American... You've done that? Have I... Like with Aaron?

Oh, God, no. With a dude? That's what she's saying. Oh, I thought you were saying couple. No, no, no, no. Guys. Like friendship groups. They'd watch.

Yeah, they'd watch porn. I stumbled into a group. Okay, I went with him. I'll not name his name, but I went with him to his parents' cabin and then like a few of his friends from his private school joined. And there was a moment where he was like, let's watch a porn.

And then everyone got blankets. I was like, ooh, I'm out. And then I went out in the yard and rode the dirt bike. But I'm pretty sure they all stayed in there and jerked off under blankets. And I chalked it up to like a private school thing. I'm like, ah, that's not not for me i think it's a thing but i think guys in again denmark or europe talk about it more and here i think it happened but guys still don't talk about it because there's

something homo that feels homoerotic about it yes so american men probably don't want to talk about it it came up because my friend is gay and he was like oh i love that it happened once and like i was having a great time but because he was around guys who were jerking off. He wasn't watching the porn. No. He was watching the blanket bounce up.

Yeah, he was having the best time of his life. But it is interesting too that like guys, it's like a bonding. Wow. Okay, I think we should answer some questions. That was fun though. Yeah, it was fun.

No. Okay, Dax, this is- Hold on. You want to talk about masturbating some more? I do. Shocker. No, okay. Dax, this is- Hold on. You want to talk about masturbating some more? I do. Shocker. I'm just trying to sort out in my 48-year-old head the group jerk-off.

Now, do women never do this, right? No. I've never done it. Doesn't that sound kind of crazy if you and Monica watched a porn and jerked off together? To me, I would be like, well, next step is you're hooking up. It wouldn't be. Okay, I will say this. I've never done that. But I think for women, it wouldn't be a porn.

Maybe watching like a sexy movie or something. And then you might get sort of on your own aroused. But I don't think it ever crossed. Not ever, but for me, would never cross the line into then your masturbation. You'd never go like, Liz, let's grab our blankets. No. Our masturbation blankets. No, no, no.

It's insane, right? I watched porn with my girlfriend when I was in high school, like discovering porn, right? This thing of like, we would all be at a slumber party. And then it gets to that time of the night where I don't know how it would happen, but there would be porn. But we were not. You were more like anthropologist. We were laughing at it. We were laughing. And I do. But we were not... You were more like anthropologists. We were laughing.

And I do... Actually, now that we're talking about it, I remember I was definitely knew that I was, you know, had sexual feelings for women. Yes. Oh my God, thank you. I'm like, what is she trying to say? I've missed nine conversations.

No, no, no, no. No, I definitely knew that again. I had questions around it, right? And watching this porn, I remember being turned on by watching the woman. And I remember all of the girls being like, ew, so gross. porn i remember being turned on by watching the the woman and i remember all of the girls being like ew so gross and i remember being like yeah yuck like i don't want

to see her and like and having to like pretend that i i was grossed out so no one was masturbating we had to pretend like we didn't like it but we would keep watching it so clearly you know what i mean it was titillating yes okay but there's something maybe we could drill even deeper into that. You liking and identifying or enjoying the woman. So I know that I like the penis in a porn. Okay. Because it's a mirror neuron thing, right? I'm vicariously him in this. I find that I'm very drawn. You're putting yourself in his position. Yeah. So it's not that I want dick, but I love seeing that version. And I'm mirror neuroning him in my fantasy where I'm King Titan or whatever. This is fulfilling that.

Is that your fantasy? I don't even know who King Titan is. Is that from Mermaid? Yeah, I think it's Little Mermaid. Does he have a big hog? Probably. Yeah, he's got BD. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

BD for sure. Yeah, he does. For sure. Does that make any sense, though, that, like, you're kind of observing with a certain interest the same sex because of the mirror neuron aspect of it? Right. Well, for sure. And there are so many women, everybody, right? But I know women who aren't hooking up with women and identify as very straight but will enjoy watching porn.

Yes. Or, again, watching porn with their boyfriend. And they, you know, will be turned on by that. I know also women who have had not more sexual experiences with women than me, but almost, and who are fully straight. So I think it's something that, I mean, we talk about all the time of like, it's not a binary and this is spectrum, but it really is like everyone's- We could do three hours on this. Yeah, I know. A million percent. It's enormously different between genders. I do think it's much more fluid when we say like,

it's fluid and it's a whole spectrum. I think sometimes people get anxious when they hear that because they think it means it's fluid for you personally. And it's not. Like you land somewhere on this scale. Right, like the person saying everyone's fluid, including you. And they're challenging your own position. No, I think if you were to compare

bi men and bi women, I think it's harder to be a bi man than a bi woman. Again, according to our society. Not that it should be. It shouldn't be. We're not talking about what should be. We're talking about what is.

What is, yeah. And again, I think that there are a lot of guys and I've shared difficulties with some of the men that I've dated around me being bisexual. But overall, the reaction is like, cool, you know? Yeah.

It's not only just that you're not transgressing femininity, but it's like a turn on, right? You're even more, you know, high in that ranking. And I think a lot of women feel uncomfortable with dating by men and don't necessarily say it or share it. Yeah, that's true. But it happened. They're progressive and they're open and they have a ton of gay friends, but dating a guy. It's funny. I think there's something about it.

Again, this is all wrong. This is just programmed in that if you're dating a bi man, there's something that's like, well, they're gay. Yeah. Yep. And so they will be leaving me for a man. Like that's like, well, they're gay. Yeah. Yep. And so they will be leaving me for a man. Like that's the trajectory here. And when it's a bi woman, we're like, she's just fun.

That's the cultural thing. Like she's fun and she's sexy. She's so sexual that she has sex with everyone, but she's going to end up with a man. Well, right. So it's all about ending up with a man at the end of the day. And both identities kind of being denied, right? Like if you're a bi guy, you're actually gay.

And if you're a bi woman, you're really straight. Yes. That I think is hard. The bi men I've known that I've asked this question to, I just asked it the other day. There's two doors. On one side is a naked woman. Because this person said, well, I still have breasts.

And I go, yeah, yeah, that's great. There's two doors. And on the left side is the woman with the perfect breasts that's naked in a bed. And on the right side is a ripped dude with a 10 inch dick. Are you ever going into the door on the left? And he goes, no, not if those are the two doors. There's just a lot of rewards with being the normative, you know, even for me, again, like I was thinking about it with that door, I would choose the woman. You would? I would. Purely physically, more into women. But I almost only date guys. I sometimes have been like, am I just brainwashed that I just want the normative? Like I want the guy and the family and the dog. People are like, but what if, you know, maybe I'll end up with a woman. And like,

maybe it will happen that way. But that's not what feels natural to me and what I want. And so I think there's a lot of, I don't just think it's societal programming to also want the heterosexual partnership is basically my point. Like there's so many factors that go into who you end up choosing in terms of your partner that are beyond just the physical. The physical, so much. This is very interesting because I've watched just enough TV with you to have observed something completely different. What? Which is you tend to be really, really attracted to generically masculine people. You know, on the spectrum. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You tend to like the dude with the beard that's big. So it's curious to me that you would pick. That's just interesting. Yeah, it makes no sense. And I've talked about on the show, like it's weird. And I don't like. Well, it's not weird. Well, it's not weird.

Exactly. To me, it makes sense because that is the prototype of what a, quote, man is and what comes with it. Protection, power. Again, what we've talked about is like you give a lot of power away to that group. And so that makes sense to me that you look up to that type of person. very masculine man. And I'm traditionally very feminine too. When I think about the partner that I want, I like feeling feminine. Being with someone who's very masculine makes me feel more feminine. You need the counterbalance. Yes, exactly. Anyway, well, wow. Wow, that was a fun detour. What a detour. Sorry or you're welcome. One of the two not sure okay I do want to ask this question because you could help you could redeem yourself

perhaps god dad stop I invited Liz over and like now you've ruined our sleepover

yeah exactly oh man I don't like this role I'm not assigned at all not one bit your mother ordered pizza I don't like this role. I'm not assigned at all. Not one bit.

Your mother ordered pizza. What are you guys talking about? No, cool dad's here. So Liz, I hear you're bisexual. Monica tells me you're bisexual. That's good for you. Good for you. I love this new generation you know

okay how can I have a conversation with my mom around my fears of her drinking too much at my wedding this is from Kayla I love my mom so much

she's incredible but she has a long-standing habit of getting absolutely hammered on wine a few times a year it can be draining and embarrassing this Thanksgiving for instance she started crying at my uncle's house when my brother asked her to stop drinking for the night. She's never met my partner's family. We just got engaged

after six years of dating, so soon enough we'll be introducing our families. I love my partner's family and I've been welcomed on many trips with them. I'm so nervous my mom is going to embarrass the living daylights out of me and herself. Again, she's incredible. I want them to see the good sides of her. Any advice on how to broach this topic with her? My brother says, quote, tell her not to drink or she's uninvited. But I'm not interested in making an ultimatum.

Thanks for the help. I love your podcast. Thank you, Kayla. This is hard. Well, I have a very immediate thought. I think the key here is to not ever position it about the mom. It's not about the mom. It's about her. So when I approach her, I say, mom, I'm so nervous about everyone meeting.

He's so important to me. The impression we make on the family, I'm very insecure that this could go wrong. And in this fear and me wanting it to go right, I'm very nervous about anyone getting drunk, anyone in our family. And I'm wondering if you could help alleviate my fears by committing to something, whether that's you don't start drinking till after dinner,

something that works for you, but that alleviates my, my, my fear. Not you drink too much. You embarrass us. You blah, blah, blah. I think that's the base of where it needs to start. I think that's great

because in her letter, she says, you know, I'm not interested in giving her an ultimatum, but boundaries is not you and your therapist. Boundaries is not you can't do this. It's I won't tolerate this.

And even I think Brene Brown talks about this example. She's the same therapist as me. No, wish okay i was like wow life goal that i won't be well if this happens and i can't allow this to happen because of me right so like everything that you said i think was was these i you know it's never about you can't do this or you have to be that certain way it's like this is what you are doing something wrong. It's just going to make her cry and go on the defensive. And exactly.

You don't want to deal with this. And it's my fear. Yes. And it's tempting to position it as objectively you've done this. So anyone would have this concern. There's no vulnerability in that. The more you relay how important this is to you and how precarious it feels and how you're already nervous about the big day and how it's something that you're struggling and ruminating on and

worried about. And I'm asking for your help. I'm not saying you have a drinking problem. But what would you, okay, like pivoting a little bit, because I think that's exactly right. But if you felt that someone you love is drinking too much, basically, you sense it's a problem. What do you do? Like, what would you do? Well, this isn't hypothetical. This happened. One of the situations was at my birthday party and that person became so inebriated that it kind of just ruined the whole vibe of my birthday dinner. So I, for me, said, I'm not going to ever have you at a birthday dinner again because I'm not willing to risk my, you know, maybe some other time we go out to eat. I'm not

drawing that boundary, but what I'm saying is I prefer to not have you at my birthday ever again, unless you somehow got sober or something. But again, but being said without going like, you have a drinking problem or you need to quit drinking. It was just like, I can't be around this level of intoxication. And again, you can say, I find it really hard to be around you when you're drinking. So if you're going to come to my birthday or, you know, if we're going to go to dinner together, I can't be around you when you're drinking. Yeah. I have no opinion about your drinking for you. For me, I get uncomfortable and I don't enjoy it and I don't want to not be happy at my birthday. And so I

think the tricky thing for her is going to be if the mother is seemingly cooperative and commits to maybe like, I think like an easy thing would be like if we could not drink till after dinner, at least then she's got a full stomach and how much damage could she do in three hours post dinner and on a dance floor. But I might throw out there, you need to know I'm so nervous about this that I probably will ask you to leave if you're getting intoxicated and I'm getting really nervous. I'm just not willing to ruin the day over it. So judging on how this conversation went, I might also throw that second thing like, here's my proposed plan to alleviate my anxiety over it could you commit to it and then additionally should that not work out i will probably ask you to leave because i'm just so nervous about it that i would say no you'd forget the second part

yes because also also that's sort of what the brother's saying to do in some ways like and she's saying i don't want to do that And I don't want to give an ultimatum. And even though you're buffering it with this other piece, that's the piece she'll hear and feel. Yeah, she's going to be excluded. Exactly. Kicked out of her daughter's wedding.

I guess if you just set up that thing, like it'd make me feel safest and most comfortable if we didn't start drinking until after dinner. And then you've already said that you've made it very clear what your fear is. So it's important that we don't set up until after dinner. And then you've already said that you've made it very clear what your fear is.

So it's important that we don't set up a situation where all she's doing on her wedding day is monitoring mom. Because that's also not fair. Well, that's also though on her. Like she's going to have to say,

I set this boundary and I'm saying it. And then kind of whatever happens, happens. And also remember that you're not your mom. And so if your mom acts in a remember that you're not your mom. And so if your mom acts in a way that you're embarrassed by,

like, remember you're not her in those moments. Yeah, and oh, that's a great thing to point out. Separating yourself from her. Your own identity from hers. Yeah. Your in-laws aren't going to say,

well, Katie's a piece of shit because look at her mom. And if they do, they suck. Right. Like, that's not on you either. Yeah. It's like being okay whether they're suck. Like that's not on you either. Yeah. It's like being okay whether they're drinking,

whether they're not, you know, which is hard. Really hard. But at the core. Yeah. I was just at a party where some,

an adult, a professional, I think the dude was a doctor, got so hammered. Everyone there was avoiding this person like a landmine because they were repeating themselves. They introduced themselves to the exact same way.

And then I walked to the bathroom at one point and I looked on the porch and there were three of the moms were out there with this man and he's crying. Like you're at a teenage party. He's like, what am I gonna do? And I was like, so that's not allowed. That whole thing was just like, you might as well have a Tasmanian devil at the party.

Where everyone's just like, oh shit, where's that little monster? We got to watch out for him. You don't want that at your party or at your wedding. And it's okay for you to say, so what's the time we're going to send you home in a car? That's also okay. And you can do that guilt free. This might be a moment to ask for help too. So there might be someone in your family. Well, the brother clearly has a major

opinions about it. He's right. 86. It might not be him. I was at a wedding recently and it's not a drinking thing, but her mother is very difficult and very narcissistic. And I told the bride, I was like, I will be on watch. I can be that person. I don't mind. And if you need anything, we'll have a code. And, you know, if it's any help for Kayla, everyone has family stuff.

Don't, you know, this shame of like, my mom's going to humiliate me. Like, you know how many brides are like, you know, thinking about what their parents are going to do at their weddings. Someone in her husband's group

is going to be a fucking wild card. Some uncle's going to be squeezing asses and shit. 100%. One thing that I also just learned, and we got to move on to another question, but let's say like wedding happens. You set the boundary. It happens. Either she obeys the boundary or she doesn't. Moving past that, if you as a family feel like this is a problem, I've just learned recently a way to approach it that's not like, you did this and answer for this. Instead,

approach and just say, hey, I'm worried about you and I hope you're okay. And leave it there. And don't try to fix it or offer a solution or whatever. You're just expressing your true feeling about it. That's the only real thing you can do. This is coming hot off of Orna last night. This happened to actually be the episode I saw last night.

Funny enough, Kristen goes, oof, ooh, Orna, that really cut to the quick. It hit Kristen. There's the Orthodox Jewish family. Yeah. And she says to... Mikal.

Mikal. The woman, she said, let's just be clear. This is your anxiety. Yeah. You're the one that holds this anxiety. It's not his. In her story, all the anxiety is created by him. But rest assured, she could be in any situation.

There is no nirvana for her. The anxiety is yours. Yeah. He has anxiety. Yes. On her own. That's right. be in any situation there is no nirvana for her the anxiety is yours yeah so i would also say anxiety yes on her own that's right and then it's exacerbated come in and out that exacerbate or don't or whatever but she gets activated externally by feeling like she's trying to control exactly so i would say also like set your boundary but i'd say your internal work is like okay so this is my anxiety yeah i'm not because it's so tempting to go objectively anyone would feel this way not true But I'd say your internal work is like, okay, so this is my anxiety. Yeah, exactly.

Because it's so tempting to go, objectively, anyone would feel this way. Not true. I've been to many weddings in Michigan where people know their parents are going to get shit-faced and fall on the floor. They don't give a fuck because that's standard business, right? Like, oh, yeah, Uncle Mike shit his pants. No one cares. That's, yeah.

So-and-so are fucking in the bathroom. Yeah, that's standard. So it's not objectively. It is your thing. And so as much as you can relieve yourself of that or recognize that you got to do your box breathing, you got to do the five things you do

that help treat your anxiety going into that situation. And again, it seems, fuck, this is mine, but actually that's the beauty of it. Oh my God. Is that it is you. Such a relief.

Because you can't change that. Exactly. You have control over internal and what's going on within you. So it's good news even though it sounds like it's not. It is. That's right. Yeah. Okay.

Let's do another one. And then we're probably out of time. Oh. Oh. Are you reading these for the first time? Yeah. She always picks like a light, a heavy. She does a really, she's like a DJ.

Like a DJ, emotional DJ. Oh, okay. Hooked up with an ex-boyfriend after seeing someone for two months undefined, but it's going really well. Do I tell him? Emma. I wonder if it's our Emma. Oh, that'd be exciting.

That'd be great. What if she's just writing that. Sprinkling in. I dated someone for five years, but we broke up about two years ago. Almost every time I visit my hometown, I sleep with him. Recently, I came home and slept with him, except this time I've been seeing someone

for two-ish months. We have not defined anything, and I'm not sure if I want a relationship, but I'm feeling really guilty about hooking up with my ex. Things have been going really well with the new guy, and I'm concerned that if I tell him, I'll ruin the good thing we have going. Should I tell him or can I keep this to myself? I think you can keep it to yourself. Me too.

Yeah, unless you're exclusive with this dude. But I understand the guilt. I understand it. It's actually crazy, the guilt feelings that come up during dating. Right. Even when it's not. Yes. Even when no one's committed to anything and everything's very, it's bizarre. Inevitably, one of the two parties is moving faster down the road to monogamy. And that can be tricky. Yeah.

It's pretty funny. I have two opinions about fucking the guy from the hometown. One, how fun. How fun. You go home. You see. I mean, let's admit it's so fun. It the hometown. One, how fun. How fun. You go home. You see. I mean, let's admit it's so fun. It's comfortable.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's so fun. Also, it is in that ABC category. I learned on some like tool academy from a therapist, which is like you can think of sexual partners in three groups. One is one night stands. Two is like booty calls that go on. And then three is who you're going to be with permanently, ABC. The only column that's not good for you is B. Having these comfort, yes, these comfort, they prevent you from, I think everyone does. They

prevent you. They are a band-aid. They give you enough that you can, you know. So those are really the only ones that are potentially damaging to you. Like, fuck someone. If your claim is I'm just horny, well, then go fuck a stranger. And then you'll be like, well, no, because I want familiarity. Well, then you want a relationship. Like, the hardest thing maybe is to pick shit or get off the pot. Yeah, it's definitely, it just.

It can arrest you. Yes. A hundred percent. And it delays or blocks you from, again, getting to that third group of people because you're not going to date. You don't have to date. You don't have to… Also, dating sucks.

Sucks. It's so uncomfortable and it's so shitty. And immediately things start arising when you're doing that, which is like, ah, I don't like it or I don't like this or I feel like so vulnerable or whatever. And so it's so easy and so natural to just very quickly go back to something that doesn't have those

anxious feelings tied to it. Right. But you have to experience the anxious feelings in order to get to see. Oh, it sucks though. It does. Yeah.

Those B's are so fun. They're so fun. So fun and easy. And you can project so much onto them like maybe it'll go somewhere maybe it'll be different and also you know

that it's worked it's the half measure they talk about in AA okay like half measures availed us nothing so like doing anything halfway doesn't work

it just doesn't yield anything and it's a half measure what sucks it's bad news I'm sorry everybody well it's not I think the answer is

you don't have to tell the person you don't owe them that unless'm sorry, everybody. Well, it's not. I think the answer is you don't have to tell the person. Yeah, yeah. You don't owe them that unless there was some, but there's not, she said. Let me be clear too. It's totally fine if you don't have the goal of being with, to end up with a C. Bs might work for you for life, but if your explicit goal is that thing, then it is in opposition of it.

It doesn't mean you have to have that goal. You could live your whole life with Bs. That's fine. I observe people who do it, mean you have to have that goal. You could live your whole life with bees. That's fine. So I observe people who do it, but they don't have that goal. So it's not really arresting their progress. And so you stay with the bees because you don't want to be, it's easier. Okay. You get enough of your needs met and you don't have to feel the awkward first date and you

don't have to constantly evaluate. Is this the one? Is this the one? Oh, fuck, am I making a wrong decision? You've already decided you're not going to be with that person. You're just going to fuck them. And then occasionally you'll have a fun, like you'll fuck,

but then you also watch a movie. Go to breakfast. Yes, and that was kind of surprisingly fun. Easy, like the fruit. And then you fool yourself for a second. Yeah. You know, like if they filed into B already, you already know.

They're not going to get to a C. They're not going to get to a C. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I've heard a lot of different versions of the stories. Like were together we broke up this and that it was my sister's best friend whatever the fucking thing was what you've never heard is like we fucked casually once every two months for seven years and then got married i've yet to hear that story right right or you both threw in the towel i do know a story right i do know a story of a couple that dated. He was kind of fucking around.

Yeah, with a bunch of people. And she was one. And then they stopped. And then they would see each other randomly. They would hook up. And they're married now. Wow. Well, that seems a little different, which is she always wanted him.

He wasn't ready to be faithful. Yeah, that's right. It's not like she was like, I don't really want to see him at all during the day, during the week. Well, we don't know that. Okay, but we're also,

we don't know. I think bees are often maybe one person sort of wishes it had gone to a C. That's true. Bees are often like when one person's ready or wants to, the other person doesn't want to. And when the other person, I don't think That's true. Bees are often like when one person's ready or wants to, the other person doesn't want

to. And when the other person, I don't think it's timing. I think it's a weird thing where they both don't really want to be together. Or again, it doesn't work. They can't. They're not. Yes, they can't. Well, there's this terrible ping pong we all experience, which is the moment we sense the person doesn't like us, we're much more interested. And then we show our interest,

which then makes theirs a road. They feel safe. And they realize, oh, I don't really want safety. I want action and novelty. Right, right, right. And then it just keeps flip-flopping back and forth. I don't know how anyone's together. I think about that every day.

I do not know how anyone's done it. Well, I do think it's a little bit like- I'm so demoralized. I think we've been like warped by movies and television and commercials in that we think that love will just happen, right? Love is a diet.

You decide, I want to look this way by summer fucking break. And there's one way to get there. And that's that. There's no like, maybe I can have cake on Saturdays. Or if you try that, you're not going to get the result you want. But you have to be as strict. It's a commitment like a diet is. It's not always fun. And there's tons of times it's, you know, but it doesn't just happen to you.

But with Kristen, did it feel like a diet? It didn't feel that way? Of course it did. Okay. When I met her, she was a deeply Christian woman who was going to raise her kids that way, who had six people living at her house. I mean, there was about 19 things that didn't work for me. And then the level of compromise required was so hefty, more than I had ever experienced. My previous relationships worked more like movies. I was like, oh, I like you. Yeah, we're both familiar. And then we made this work for however many years, obviously with complications.

But I think the level of compromise required in the level of meeting someone halfway that's required is uncomfortable. It's changed. Do you think that's why we're both single? Because we're so uncompromising. And I think in a positive way, like we know what we want too much. I don't know you well enough. Obviously, I think I know Monica well enough to have lots of opinions. No. Go ahead. You already know my opinions, which is like you had this kind of asking my friend is asking so like oh gross i'm telling you why my daughter is single

she was rejected in a very very profound way with many layers. It's not just that he wasn't horny for her. It was that he did like her, but couldn't be with her because she was brown. I think that set her on a trajectory that was maybe unavoidable. And so I think her response to that was anyone that's in my actual category that I could be with is going to be very painful. So I'm going to like all these people that I know I can't be with. I'm not going to be very painful. So I'm going to like all these people that I know I can't be with. I'm not going to be with them. So I'm going to like them because it's very safe. These people are never going to hurt me because I'm never going to even be close enough to them. So she has this interesting format for how it works. And then occasionally one of the

people in the group that was out of her reach come within her reach. And then her subconscious goes, oh, no, they were that middle category because they like me. And so that middle category is going to hurt me. Yeah, this is well, we know this. We all know it. But yeah, that's right. Additionally, which is what you're hinting at, which I think is fine is I also think you have really high standards. I do. Yeah.

What you want in a partner mirrors what you wanted in life. I don't think this is a deviation from who you are, which is like you want the best of everything and you've pursued it heartily and achieved it. So, yeah, you're not really interested in the lackluster version of it. Right. Yeah. Which makes it harder. Very true. I would say that for you as well. What's your shit, Liz?

What the fuck? So much. Oh, well, I do have an opinion about you actually now that I think about it. Is Monica going to be mad at me that I asked this question? No.

No? Okay. No, no, no. I have an opinion as well. I'm nervous mine's going to sound harsh, but I'm relying on the notion that you know I think you and I are very similar. So I

think you regulate your internal feelings with this external validation from people. And that is how you're regulating your emotions. And that medicine wears off very quickly. And it requires a different dosage or a different brand. So long as you keep regulating your internal self-esteem and your emotions by external people, you will always need new medicine every six weeks because that's the nature of the medicine. It wears off. And so when you're left on the post-hormonal spikes and all the wonderful dopamine, the addiction stuff we both love, when those things dissipate to here and now chemicals, here and now doesn't regulate you and you get

kind of feeling untethered. Yeah. And so I think it's much different than Monica's. Does that sound crazy? That makes sense. I think there's an added layer. Okay. So my opinion is that you, and I relate to this too, so I get it, but I think you put a lot of people on pedestals. There's a lot of reasons why, but you think they're better than you. Yeah. And then what you learn is that they're not. And so that's complicated and confusing for you. And so in your head, you're like, well, then I just didn't reach high enough. I need someone who's better than that person. then I just didn't reach high enough. I need someone who's better than that person.

And they're not better than you either. You're just looking for a higher and higher and higher. The gross way of looking at it is status, but I don't mean that. I just mean someone who you put on pedestal. And you normally do put people on pedestals who have some level of status because you feel that you don't, even though you do.

Right. I think also it's so common for people to go, what do you like? She makes me feel blank. If you're after it because she makes me feel or he makes me feel, that can't be the reason. That's great to have fun and feel romantic and all this stuff.

But I think it's gotta be like, I feel good. I wanna share all this with somebody. It's not that this person makes me feel some way or they regulate me. It's that like, I'm a complete person. I admire this person and I want to share the ride with this person. They don't need to make me feel any way. I'm already doing that. Right. I think that's what is needed. Or it's not needed. People get together without any therapy. They have happy marriages for years. Monica's parents, this isn't their story and yet it's been so successful. But I don't think your

mom was like, I like Ashok, he makes me feel. No. Exactly. They did not. She's like, this is a responsible person. He's very smart and I admire and this would be a great father to my children. And that's how it happened.

I don't even know if she thought that. I don't know what she thought. Yeah, I think it was like, this is a responsible partner. This is a great person to share my life with. But turns out my dad thought my mom was so beautiful. Of course he did. Yeah.

I saw a picture of her recently. She's a smoke show. Yeah, but this was a sweet story. We were at dinner and my mom was talking about someone else in the family who can be tough. And that person said to my mom, I guess, or like with all of them there, well, yeah, you're pretty, but you're not Bollywood pretty. Oh, yeah. I remember you saying that. Which is just insane. But then when my mom was telling-

What does that mean? You're hot, but not Sports Illustrated hot? Like, what's up with a bar? You're pretty, but not that pretty. But again, this passed down trauma. I mean, this is- Anyway, so she was telling my brother and I this story. And my dad was there.

And she was like, but your dad did defend me. And he was like, no. Yeah. When mom was young, she was the most beautiful person. And it was so sweet because I never hear it. Did your mom have any reaction to that? Yeah. She was like, she was just more business.

She was just like drinking her drink out of a straw. Does she feel touched by that? She obviously did because she's the one that said like, dad defended me. Yeah. So that meant something to her for sure. And it was really nice. It's so nice that like at this age.

I'm going to pile on. Nermy, you're so hot. She is beautiful. She does also look exactly like you when you share a photo of her at your age. I had to do a double take. You've seen the grandma? Oh, I've seen that. You've seen it.

Yeah. Oh, my God. Get in there. Get in there. Wow. Yeah, she's something. I used to lick her whole body. Of course you did.

I'd be mad if you hadn't. I was a rascal, too. Were you guys ever attracted to any family members? Ew. This is a good question. That's a great question. Not as adults, but as kids. Like I remember my aunt Susie, I thought was like so pretty.

And I like kind of had a crush on her when I was like a 10 year old. Wow. No, I didn't. I didn't have enough. Me too. Family members in my proximity. I definitely had a crush on my aunt. Wow.

But it wasn't the family member. It was my uncle's wife. Okay, so that makes more sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That probably does make a lot more sense. I mean, but some people, it's like a thing, right? People like their cousins. People like, again, yeah.

Kissing cousins. Yeah, and you're like, I don't know why I like, you know, you just like them, you know. Well, so you're just like, you just want to like when you're young. You just want to feel attraction. I've explained the cousin thing more. They're there and you're curious. That's what I mean. Like you're in that time of life where attraction is appealing.

Also, your parents, well, especially in the 80s, you didn't have like a sleepover with a girl if you're a boy. No one's parents was allowing that. Like we allow that, but that's new. Oh, I didn't. Okay. That's interesting. Oh, God. Yeah. We've had boys spend the night a bunch of times already. Like sometimes five boys will come over on a Lincoln big party play date and everyone sleeps. Wow. It's fine. And it's normal. But for me, the only time I would have been around a girl at a sleepover was my cousins. There was no gender mixing in the sleepovers. No, it's true.

That would be so controversial. It would. Okay, well, did we answer this for her? What was the question? We did because we said she doesn't need to tell the person. And I think she should relieve herself. Are we on the ex thing? Yeah.

She shouldn't tell them. She shouldn't. And then I think she should relieve herself. Are we on the ex thing? Yeah. She shouldn't tell them. She shouldn't and then I think she should relieve herself of some guilt because this is complex. It stirs up your own stuff. And if she becomes exclusive with the other person, she's got to stop fucking the dude

before she goes home. Right. That's it. And she'll probably never go home again. She's probably only going home to fuck the dude. Yeah. She won't have any more reasons. But thanks for writing in, Emma. Yeah, that's a good question. Okay, that's all for now because we went long as hell. It's a good thing I don't stop by much. Thanks for

coming, Dad. Yeah. It was fun. And we're heading towards the end. We're heading towards the end of the year. You guys, getting older is not the party you would think it is. No. No, it is.

It is. This was fun. It was so fun. This had slumber party vibes. So we. I feel like you're about to say bad news. No, no, no, no. We have a couple weeks left and then we'll take a week off at the end of the year.

I knew it was bad news. I was right. You're announcing some absence. Yeah. Yeah. I felt it. But we have a couple weeks left. And as we head into the holidays, we'll talk more merriment and...

Fellowship. Yeah. We've been saying merriment a lot. Yeah, we have. I think that's you and I. I like it. Keep writing in. We love your questions.

So fun. Oh, yeah. If you have holiday questions, actually, that's perfect. Yeah, exactly. We love to dig into that. Love it. All right. Love you guys.

Love you.