Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Synced: You Can't Shortcut It

Episode Date: January 10, 2024

In this episode of Synced, Monica and Liz discuss grief, sleepovers, and superstitions. They answer listener questions on setting boundaries with a parent when it comes to one's health, communicating thoughts about thongs and pubic hair to a partner, and advice for someone who just turned 30. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hello there. How are you? Hello. I'm okay. I'm doing okay. I feel overwhelmed. Yeah. I have to go home tonight, and I don't want want to and I feel really guilty because I don't want

to, but you know, but I am, I am going. I'm taking the red eye. I'm back Saturday. So it's been so much back and forth. Yes. It's like the third time in a month that I've been home. By the time this airs, I probably will have talked about it already, but my grandfather passed away last night or two nights ago. Two nights ago. I saw the blur. And it's a lot. Yeah. It's a lot. It's a lot more than I expected it to be, which of course, like, of course, I'm such a control freak that I feel like I could sort of get ahead of how it would feel. Like I've been processing it for so long, which I have. Yes. And it's been a long time coming. And so I've kind of felt like, well, when it happens, I'll be fine because I will have already processed it. But then it doesn't work like that.

And it's so annoying that it doesn't work like that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why? Can you fix it? Yeah. I'm sorry. You can't fix grief. You can't shortcut it. You can't shortcut it. I have felt that you've processed this like very extraordinarily, you know, even when you were home and you were like, you know, his health is fragile. You were like, I'm okay with it. You were in a lot of acceptance. Yeah. I felt like around it. But I'm also, yeah, not surprised that then they do pass away.

And that's a whole other thing. It is. The idea of it is different than what it is. Yeah. So my brother is the one, my mom called and I missed the call, of course, because I was sleeping. And then my brother called like an hour later and I was awake and so we were going to record yesterday and I was like rushing and trying to post and get out the door and he called in as soon as I saw his name it was obvious that I needed to pick up he never calls for no reason so So he told me, which was also sort of, I was also sort of grateful for

that in some ways that he had to take that on and we had a moment to sort of talk about it. So then it's sort of been this whirlwind because originally there wasn't going to be any service or anything. But then I guess there was a decision yesterday that there is. And so that's why I'm going back. I'm sure people can relate to this or maybe not. Maybe I'm just horrible, but it just keeps getting, it's like, now I have to go home again. I don't want to do that. Now I have, and then my, you know, my mom texted me and was like, if anyone wants to say anything, and I don't want to. You don't. Well, you don't have to.

I know. You don't have to do anything you don't want to do. But it feels like, is that bad? There's no bad way of grieving, right? Death is inconvenient. That's so true. It's so, it's not ever timed appropriately. No.

They should fix that. Yeah, somebody needs to fix that. Who do we call? Oh, but what I was going to say- But don't feel bad. This is hard enough. Or again, I'm telling you not to, but just be kind to yourself and all the feelings that you're feeling are normal. Grief is very unknown. And I think every time we grieve, it also looks different for every person in every situation, but it's very unpredictable and it'll bring up a lot of things that are even confusing and hurtful and there'll be good memories. There's bad memories. I mean, there's so many complicated ways of doing it. And I don't want you to add more pain by judging yourself for the way that you're grieving. I'm very lucky. So

my brother called, we were saying, we're so lucky that this is the first time we're dealing with this. It's crazy. That is so outrageous. This is the first death you've dealt with in your family? experienced death. But my mom hasn't and she's in her 60s. Like, that's so lucky. And it's, I'm trying to sort of hold on to that too of, man, we really, but then I have this like fear that now the door opened and now it's just going to be like so much. What if? I mean, look, all of us can go at any time, right? And I think that, again, what grief will do is that, and to be, this is so synced, but I have a friend that died a few days ago. Oh my God.

Why didn't you tell me? Well, first of all, you're dealing with everything. And it's a friend that a lot of my close, close friends are very close with them. We, you know, we all work together. And it's very disorienting. Again, a lot of things come up that are very confusing. But the one thing that I think all of us feel when we do lose someone is, oh my God, life is just, I mean, just so fragile. We never think about, I mean, we rarely think about that.

You can't live in that space. You can't function. Exactly. So yes, I think gratitude. I mean, gratitude never hurts, no matter what you're going through and being grateful for the time that you got to know him for. I lost all my grandparents when I was pretty young. And so I don't really know what it's like.

I had such a, not juvenile, but like very first degree experience of death. I'm like, oh, my grandmother's not there anymore. And my dad is sad, but I only knew her for eight years. And I still have this connection to her, but you knew him for so many years. You got to grow up together. I know.

And I really did. Like, you know, the school bus dropped me off at their house every day. And I spent all my summers there. And it's lucky. Yeah, it's a lucky thing to be able to experience. And the dream, do you want to talk about it? I think it's so powerful. Yeah, it's lucky. Yeah. It's a lucky thing to be able to experience. And the dream, do you want to talk about it? I think it's so powerful. Yeah. It's really crazy. So when I

talked to my mom, she told me, so my, my grandmother called her to tell her and it was the morning 6am or something. And they, they sort of deduced that it probably happened a few hours before that in his sleep, lovely, peaceful. And so then my mom called my dad and he said that he had a dream the night before. And my dad, it's so, I wish I could convey, I mean, maybe people on the show know because we talked about my dad so much. He's just the most practical, pragmatic, everything's black and white and somewhat, you know, scientific. He had a dream. He never dreams. He had a dream that my grandpa got out of bed. You know, he's been bedridden for the past however long. He got out of bed and was walking down the hall and turned around and smiled. I mean, it's so – yeah, it's crazy.

And I don't believe in any of that, but I can't not. And then I feel guilty because I think like, oh, my God, all these people who believe in all these things that I normally don't, there's reasons why they do. And it's okay. Whatever brings you peace and comfort, believe it. I believe that he visited him. Yeah. Wanted to say goodbye. And I think he, well, I know this because 40 years ago, my grandpa was misdiagnosed with cancer. So for a couple weeks, they all thought that he had cancer, pancreatic cancer, and he was given like a sentence. And my dad was with my grandpa when that happened, just him. And just to reiterate, this is my mom's dad, not my dad's dad. But my dad was with them at the Mayo Clinic.

And my grandpa told my dad, you have to take care of everyone back then. He was like, this is what I want for this person. I wasn't even born yet, you know? And then that ended up being this non-issue, which is also so funny because my dad was telling, when I was home four weeks ago or something, and it really looked like it was going to happen. My dad said he had sort of a different opinion on all of it because of that experience that he had with him. He was like, well, I sort of look at it as he got an extra 40 years. Like he was kind of supposed to go then and he got an extra 40 years and I would have never met him if that had happened. That's such a sad, scary prospect. And I'm so grateful that it didn't happen. But anyway, so the sort of like looking back, I feel a little

bit is like, take care of everyone. Oh, wow. Yeah. Which is I think why it would have been him. That's not his kid, you know? Oh. I know. It's really special. And it's, again, coming from my dad who I'm sure he can't wrap his head around this because it's so spiritual. Right. Wow. Yeah. It is really comforting to have that story. Yeah.

But it sucks. I mean, it just sucks. It's like life sucks. You fall in love with all these people and then they die. And then you die. Yeah, but that's the least sucky part. I know. I agree.

I'm fine with that. It's everyone else. Like why? Why does it have to happen? I wish I liked it. Maybe there's someone that does. Well, psychopaths. Psychopaths.

We got to try out their morning routine. Put it on. But that's also the beauty of life. That's the thing out their morning routine. Put it on. But that's also the beauty of life. That's the thing. That's why it's so precious. I know. It's like, really? I know.

It's such a cliche. It's like all such a cliche. Dax and I were talking about it on the last fact check. I think maybe like the point of life is potentially to realize all these cliches are true. It's like by the end of your life, you understand that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It all, yeah. The simplest things are true, right? You spend your life learning more and more complicated things and then you end up realizing that it was actually so simple. And we're all just going through doors. I just think that metaphor, there's like a David White poem about his mother passing away that's like, and then she went,

I'm going to cry talking about it. Like, we're already crying, but like, you know, that his mother passes away and she just goes through this door through which he'll go through later. Right. Like, it's like, we're all, and even him not having cancer and not being able to stick around for so many more years, that's just one door he didn't go through and he went through another one. And if we spend time thinking about that, we just wouldn't do anything else. It's too heavy. But it's also so beautiful. We wouldn't be able to do stupid, you know, capitalism.

Buying clothes and stuff. Buying clothes. And I do like it. It is fun. It does make, do you think you'll think about your clothes when you die? Like you'll think about like, I think there's an emotional connection.

I think you'll think about some of the clothes you got. You do? I think so. I think they're meaningful to you. I think you'll think about some of the clothes you got. You do? I think so. I think they're meaningful to you. I'll probably think about the sweater that Molly and I, we bought these sweaters kind of on accident. Kristen had sent us to this store. We were all in New York.

Kristen was working, but she was like, oh, you guys got to go to this store. Condi, Susie Condi, shout out. And she kind of got us in the like warehouse or whatever, you know, like their small room. So when we were there, it was beautiful. We wanted stuff, but it's expensive. And we did feel a little bit like, oh, we have to get something. And so we just kind of picked out some stuff, but we didn't know any prices. And we both got this sweater. We both got this sweater.

And when she like rang it up, the sweater was $1,000. And we didn't know. And we both walked out kind of like zombies. Molly was like, did you know? And I was like, no. And then we just laughed about the absurdity of this sweater for so long. And it has brought so much joy. And at one point, Amy was holding the bag and she got like stuck in the turd style.

This $1,000 sweater was just getting like mashed and mushed. Oh no. But it's all about the story around the thing, you know? And not a seizure. It's an experience. That was the time you were like, oh, that was- Yeah, this sweater gave me a seizure. Oh God.

It's a lot. It's a lot. But I obviously won't think about these rope hands. It's not about the rope God. It's a lot. It's a lot. But I obviously won't think about these rope hands. It's not about the rope hands. It's what you did in the rope hands. I guess. I guess. But also, I like liking that stuff. So I don't want to like next time I'm shopping, just feel like, I'm not even going to think about this when I die. No, no. When I die. Also, I feel like we both do think about death way too much. I've been thinking about my parents dying since the, you know.

And things have been coming up in my feed where I'm like, did you have this major fear of them dying when you, like that you would skip sleepovers because you were like, maybe like my mom is going to die at one point, so I should really spend more time with her. Oh, no. No. No, I didn't have that.

You had that? Yeah, like I saw that in my feed. I have that now a little bit. Me too. Well, major because it's actually kind of more accurate. Because they're getting older. Yeah, they are getting older. And we're getting older.

Yes. You can't go to that as many sleepovers. I was actually just thinking about this on New Year's Eve because we were all going to sleep over at the Richardson's. And then, you know, New Year's and then, you know, New Year's came and, you know, the ball dropped. Yes. And I was like, I'm going to go home. I want to sleep in my bed.

And then I got sad because sleepovers used to be so fun. They did. They did. What the heck happened? I feel the same way. I never, my niece always wants to do sleepovers and I'm like, I'm good. I'm awful. I'm awful.

You're not awful. Well, I wish I was like, yes, I'll sleep anywhere and I don't need my sound machine, my earplugs, my three eye masks, my fucking ear purifier. Like what happens? I know. What happens? Oh, that is actually sad because I did used to love sleepovers with my family. Like if we had a big family, like Christmas or something, i really want people to stay over yes but i think that your relatives were like sometimes they did it which is i they probably did it for me because the older you get you don't like doing that anymore why don't we have sleep like if i were to tell you monica i was like okay thursday night when you're back let's have a sleep

over what would be your the the stages of your reaction i guess i'd say at your house or mine okay i'm fine with people sleeping over yeah but at this point i don't really want to i mean that's not necessarily true a lot of it has to do with the bathroom situation yes if they don't poop while they're at your house. No, they're a lot, it depends on the person. It depends on the intention of the poop. Exactly. We've been over this. Yeah. It's like, it's old. If someone's sleeping over, I expect they are going to poop. And if they're not, we're worried about it. Yeah. Because there's GI issues. Exactly. I mean, 24 hours if you're not pooping. You need to poop. Yeah. But if I'm sleeping over at somebody else's house, I need to know that there's a safe way for me to poop.

For sure. Oh my God. I think if there is, I'm more down for it. Okay. But are we sharing a bed? What would be your preference? Separate? Yours is just a little burrito. How would you? Yeah, I would prefer separate. Me too. Me too. So then everyone can really sleep. Yeah, yeah. But then what's the point? Right. It's just like, why? Yeah. See you tomorrow. You know, do we have to wake up in each other's faces? But it's kind of fun to make breakfast. That part is fun. Yeah. I would like separate bedrooms. Like when we went to Fourth of July, that was so fun. You wake up, it's like a full house. There's like people around making stuff. People are sleeping.

People are hanging out. Like I like that vibe. Me too. But I would like my own bed. Wait, how do we get on sleepover? Not wanting to miss your parents. Oh yeah, you didn't want to go to sleepovers. Yeah, that would happen where I'd be like,

oh my God, my mom's going to die one day, so I better spend more time with her. Oh my God. I thought you were going to say my mom might die tonight. Like that would have been more me. You, okay. You had like, it was more- Acute. Okay, got it. In the moment. It's like, if I go, I'll cause the, it was more, I think that, a little bit of superstition in there. Like if I go, also I hate this, but my grandpa used to have, or he had this big superstition. That's why I always spent New Year's with my family. I always did because he had this superstition. If you start the year together, you end the year together. Oh. Which was really

kind of stressful and arresting because you had to do it. It's a lot of pressure. It is. The first time I didn't do it was, I guess, 10 years. I lived here. And I had to be back here to work at SoulCycle. Because you could only miss, like, so many holidays. Worst. I know. Sorry. The front desk.

Yeah. So I skipped it, and I was worried. Oh. Was he kind of mad? No, no, no. But I was scared. but then it was fine. And then I think I've missed like one other. And then this year I missed it.

We all missed it because my mom and brother had COVID and then I came home. But then he died a couple of days later. Oh, wow. But he didn't die when you went to SoulCycle. So- It can't be- It can't be that. Yeah.

I hope no one takes this on because it's too much. It's a lot. I think superstitions, I wish I could remove all of them from my head. What do you have? I have so many stupid, but for me, it really like started from a young age. It's just weird. I mean, people are going to diagnose me. Yesterday, I took a pill.

I was taking my, you know, some meds and then one of them fell. And then it's not a big deal. Like it's one out of whatever. And I was kind my, you know, some meds and then one of them fell and then it's not a big deal. Like it's one out of whatever. And I was kind of in a rush and then I was like, okay, I'll just take it. And then something in my head went, nope, if you don't find the pill, something really bad is going to happen. Oh no. Yeah. And so then I was like, no, no, it's fine. And then I couldn't stop it. So I had to find the pill and then I couldn't find it. And I started really freaking out. And then at the And then after like a long time, way too long, I finally found it, and then I could be calm. Okay.

Do you think that's more— Mental illness? No, no, no. It's not mental illness, but it sounds more like OCD slash anxiety. I mean, I think they're all cousins, by the way. I think superstition is very close to OCD. Yeah, it's like a cuter way to say it. It is, but do you always have that?

Like if I drop something and I don't find it? No, it's like, but if that- If the thought goes in, yeah. Then it's, uh-oh, now it's a whole thing. I think that's a little more OCD. Do you have any like the classic, no umbrella opens inside the house? Of course, but that's everybody.

Yeah, you can't do that. But do you have others' randoms like this? Like you have to start the new year together. No. My parents have so many New Year's ones. Really? Interesting. Why?

Why New Year's? I mean, I guess because it's the beginning of the year and you have to start everything correctly. I remember when I first started breaking some of these rules. It was so hard, but it was so good for me. Oh, good. Okay. What was the first one? Well, one is you're not supposed to do laundry. What? On the first? I think it's- But you've heard that? No. No. Yeah, I was going to say no one's heard it because I think my grandma probably made it up. And then now that's like- That sounds convenient. It's like no one's allowed because she doesn't want to do it?

No, it's stressful because it's the last day kind of before you're back to work. It's New Year's Day, by the way, not New Year's Eve. New Year's Day. It's the day you do want to be doing laundry before you have to go back to school or work. So you have to like plan ahead and not do it that day. Okay, so no laundry. They don't eat meat. That, I think, is a little more of an Indian thing.

No spending money. What? On New Year's Day. And then they have all the Southern, like, you have to eat black eyed peas. Oh, wow. Is there more? No fighting. I think they just incorporated that when my brother and I were little.

I love it. It's just like super, it's like using the veneer of superstitions to just get your kids to behave. To be nice. And not have to do chores. Yeah. So they all got trickled in. And now when I moved here and I was away, I went to dinner with a friend on New Year's Day and I was like, I'm spending money. We probably ate meat. And it was a big breaking of the rule, but it was good. I was like, I can't

be so, this is too much. It feels good in general to do things differently than you had to do with your family. My family's visiting and there's so many things that like, they're like, where's the compost? And I was like, I don't use it. Like, we don't do that at our house. Yeah, like this is my house. And they just have to adjust. Yes.

And they were like all these little things that like feels really good to just like, I have paper towels. They don't own paper towels. They only use reusable. And so like, just the fact that I own paper towels feels like I'm standing my ground. I'm doing things. I'm breaking the curse. Yes. Synced is supported by Vegamore. Okay. So we love Vegamore. Love. And I always feel, we talked about this after egg freezing when we did it after egg freezing, when we did it together,

and then when I did it again, I feel like my hair thinned out. It's so weird. It happens. But Vegamour, when I use that consistently, I honestly feel like my hair is so much healthier. It's thicker. It can just like sustain more.

You know when you're in the shower and you're just showering and you're just showering and you're just pulling out so much hair? It freaks me out. I know. And then what I love is when I use Vegamour, you're like massaging your hair and you can just feel the fullness.

Like there's something so comforting. I just feel like less is coming out. Like it's just sturdier. Yes. Elevate your hair wellness routine this year with Vegamour. For a limited time, get 20% off your first subscription order by going to vegamore.com slash synced and use code synced at checkout. That's V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash synced, S-Y-N-C-E-D.

Code synced to save 20% on your first order. Vegamore, V-E-G-A-M-O-U-R.com slash synced, code synced. We are supported by Open. Listen, if you want to know the key to stability in general, it's your breath. Yes. So I've always been a fan of breath work, but I've only done it with like an instructor,

which is like super annoying to like get to and like plan for and it's expensive. But since I started using the Open app, I can do it in my bedroom. I can do it here in the attic if I come in a little earlier and I want to feel grounded. If you're like me, you've tried so many different ways of managing your mental health that are not great, like partying and watching TV and scrolling on your phone. But the Open app is an amazing way to just really take care of yourself. And again, if you haven't tried Breathwork, it changed my life fundamentally. It does. It's crazy. Again, we were talking about this before. It's the simplest things that actually have the biggest impact. And the Open app is great because it's just five minutes.

It combines breathwork, meditation, and fitness. So if you want to get on our daily routine, you can get 30 days free of Open by visiting withopen.com slash synced. Again, 30 days free by visiting withopen.com slash synced. How's it been with your family in town? It's good. It's good. It's like we're all on each other's nerves.

And then you have to embrace it. You can't feel bad about it. Is everyone staying at your house? Yes. Yeah. And it's your mom, your dad, your sister, and your niece. Yeah. It's a lot of people. And your roommate's there?

No, she's gone. And we kind of planned it that way. But yes, it's a lot of people. It's a lot of stuff. Things that have never, like we have this table that's like really nice dining room. Like we like, all of a sudden it has 20 scratches on it. I don't even understand how it happened. And that's when I'm like, I'm not ready for kids.

I can't, like I'm such a, being controlled, like noticing how, I feel like in my 20s, I probably was just as fucking controlling, but I didn't have any awareness or languish for it. And now I notice, when I notice it, it really gets on my nerves. I'm like, why does it matter? I know.

If there's little scratches, but it's like, no, I want it to be the way that it, and so I made everyone eat on a towel, on like a bath towel. I was like, we're putting this on the table because you guys are animals. What are you doing? Like, are you fiddling with wood? Like, I don't understand why there's scratches. Like, there's no—anyway.

It's just— Everyone turns into a toddler, I feel like, when it's family time. We were in the car. Like, everyone wants a different temperature. It's a lot of management. I have a lot of respect for people who have families. I love my family to death. Of course. That's the car. Like, everyone wants a different temperature. It's a lot of management. I have a lot of respect for people who have families. I love my family to death. Of course.

That's the problem. This is going around, right? Like, I've had this conversation with a few people, and everyone feels the same, and everyone feels guilty because in the conversation, everyone has to include, I love them so much. You feel like you have to say that because you sound like an asshole. But no one really has to say it because everyone knows that.

We love our families. Yes. But they get annoying. They get so annoying and for so many different reasons. Yeah. And we're annoying. I know. Even like I'm aware of how annoying I am.

I'm like, ugh. I need to just like. What do you think you're bringing to the table that's annoying? Oh my, so much. Just the controlling? I'm always cold.

Oh. The entire temperature of my house now is different because they are like, you're insane. So I'm realizing that I need things like really warm.

I really need breaks. Yeah. I'm like an iPad kid. Like I need kind of just to be on my own or I need to be on an. On your own. Just like in a bathroom. Yeah. I need kind of just to be on my own or I need to be on your own. Just like in a bathroom. I just need time.

That's fair. I'm very annoying. What's annoying about you? Oh, yeah. I think the controlling nature for sure is so annoying to everyone. But also, I just am picky. I'm very picky. I'm not easygoing as far as like, let's just go to this random restaurant. No, I don't want to go to that. I want to go to a good restaurant. I mean, when we were in London this year, I really ran the show. Right.

And it was nice. You liked that. Yeah. You planned it all out. And they followed. They go along. They followed. I think they've also just gotten better at not fighting about it. They're like, yeah, she wants this. It's fine. It's fine.

Yeah. Because they've been around us this whole time. Yeah. They've learned how to deal. How annoying we are. Oh my God. Life is precious and people are fucking annoying. Yeah. It's true. But I think I can tolerate my family so much better when I'm honest. Like, I feel like it's when I try and pretend like everything's okay or that I'm not annoyed. What my sister's really good at and my entire family is that we're good at making jokes about things. Like, we will joke about how annoying someone is or how annoying we are. And I feel like that breaks—because, again, when you're annoyed, you're like, but I love them. And then you start—it's that second—

The cycle. Yeah, you're like, oh, I'm such a horrible person. It's like, no, dude, you're like, but I love them. And then you start—it's that second— The cycle. You know, sword. Yeah, you're like, oh, I'm such a horrible person. It's like, no, dude. You're just a human. I know. Well, I think we should jump into some cues. Yeah, let's do it. Do you want to talk about your friend?

No, it's okay. Thank you, though. We can talk about it in a minute. Okay. Yeah. Hmm. Liz, you wrote one in. I see.

Oh, no. What is it? No, I'm kidding. Just a Liz wrote this. Oh, a Liz. Okay. It's. I see. Oh, no. What is it? No, I'm kidding. Just a Liz wrote this. Oh, a Liz. Okay. It's our first Liz. Yeah.

Oh. Let's read this one. How to balance my parents' concern about my health with my sanity. Ooh. This is from Vivek. This is a man. I love it. I love it.

I am a 49-year-old American-born Indian guy living in Virginia. Eleven years ago, life was going well. I had taken over running our family's home building business. I had gotten married, and we had just had our third child. The day after he was born, though, when I was 38, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's disease. Needless to say, it was a shocker, but I've dealt with it better than I could have expected. I'm fighting it as hard as I can, including engaging in a crazy amount of exercise. Although there is no cure, exercise helps me resist the ravaging effects as long as possible. Yes, my family was dealt a shitty hand, but there have been a lot of surprisingly joyful

and insightful moments as well. The problem is my parents. Understandably, they are worried and sad for me, especially when I see them and they can see how much I've progressed. They literally show pity in their voices. They make that tisking clicking sound when you touch your tongue to the roof of your mouth that is common in Indian culture. Monica, you might know what I mean. I don't. Is that it? Like this? Maybe. I don't know it, but maybe that's it. They're getting noticeably older themselves and I know this is not good for their health, especially their mental health. It's also not good for me as I tend to be a far more positive person.

I've tried telling them this, and I've even tried telling them that I feel inadequate for not being able to take care of them, which is true. But no matter what I say, that just makes them more sad. As a result, I avoid contact with them far more than I would like. We live less than 10 minutes apart, but I only see them twice a month on average. What do I do? I know that I will look back and regret this. In fact, I already do regret it, but the last thing I want is pity and knowing that I'm causing them concern. You two rock more than you know the vague. Gosh. You know what sucks so much is when you are a victim in something and you have to protect everyone else around you.

It's so unjust. It happens all the time in so many different ways, but this one feels particularly like this. Yeah. And in many ways, Vivek probably doesn't even feel like a victim, right? Exactly. That disability, I'm going to try not to make it political, but we do live in an ableist society, which means that people believe and were raised to believe that in every media that we see slash we don't see people with disabilities thriving or just existing in media. We only see these sad stories and then non-disabled people playing their roles, win Oscars for them. But like, that's a story.

That's not reality. And it's certainly not his reality based on what he's sharing and based on the reality that many people with disabilities share, but they're forced to like take on the ableist principles. And so the way that we imagine ourselves, if we were to become disabled, we think it's going to be this thing. And then in reality, what it is, is actually very different. We as human beings, our ability to adapt is extraordinary, but our ability to realize that we can adapt is really bad. So we project, if I get Parkinson's, every day is going to be a one out of 10. Maybe the first day, maybe the second day,

maybe for a week, maybe for, you know, but eventually you'll get back to your baseline happiness actually, or a little bit below, but pretty much like- It depends. I think- But there's like literal studies about this. But one that's degenerating your physical health. Yeah. I'm not saying, I guess the ability to adapt is very big, but unless it's happening to you, that's something that's very hard for you to comprehend. And so the point I'm trying to make is that I have a lot of compassion for him because it's coming not just from his parents,

but from society in general. And so I would tell them that. Well, it sounds like he has. That's the problem. This is again, ding, ding, ding, parents. They're a specific type of relationship where sometimes these things that should work and normally do work in other relationships, like setting these particular boundaries. I would just be very specific. I would say what I need from you is support in these three specific ways or this one specific way. Like I really appreciate when you send me positive messages, like positive good morning messages. I don't know what the fuck. Like parents also want to support, but they don't often know how. And so it might be again, like with your dad, it's like, it's really helpful when you

build things that help make my apartment more accessible. And that would be like really helpful to get your support in that way so that they feel like they're helping you without, yeah. Because clearly emotional support is maybe not going to be the thing that they're able to do right now. And so giving them specific things that would be helpful, almost like instructions, I think could be tremendously helpful. And being also specific with the things that you don't want. Saying, when you do that sound with your mouth and you sigh and roll your eyes or whatever specific things they do, please don't do that in my presence because if you do, I'm going to have to cut our visit short or I'm going to have to leave the room. Yeah. That's all you can do is say what

you need. And then if you still aren't getting it, I think acceptance around having limited interactions, if that's what you have to do to maintain your own level of positivity and keep your health up, then you have to do that. And maybe say, hey, I want to spend more time together. It feels like we should be able to spend more time together. But the reason we're not, just be straight up, the reason we're not is this, is I always leave feeling bad and that I have to take care of you. Your feelings about my disease. Yeah. Yeah. And I never feel good after we have to figure out a way for that not to happen yeah and then see if slowly it won't it will not be a

flip of the switch because they don't realize they're doing it even probably that's the thing it's so ingrained your parents are going to worry about you forever yes that's right and so now there's this thing for them to really cling on to. Or even, I mean, again, you know, I've been having some health stuff. I've had some difficulty with my mom because it's the same thing. She just latches onto it and then asks me all these questions and it's just, it's so annoying. It's just like, it makes it so much worse. And I've just said like, I don't want to talk about this topic with you. If I need to talk about it, I'll bring it up, but I do not want to talk about this with you. And I can tell she wants to, but then we don't. And then I change the topic. I think sort of taking control of the conversation and bringing

it to what you do want to talk about with them and being assertive in that is good. And then also finding, I hope, and it seems like you do, like just friends and even other people in your community who don't treat you that way. Because I think that's also… Yeah, balancing out. Yeah. It's also kind of an old school way of viewing disability. And I think there's a lot of people out there who view it very differently.

And that could be really refreshing. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. What are some things you want to keep about yourself in the new year? Oh, I love this question. I've been meditating more and I want to keep it up. I think it's been very positive for me and it's a habit that I, yeah, I want to bring into the new year. What about you? I love that.

Yeah, I think I want to keep incorporating exercise into my daily life as opposed to I'm working out for an hour and then that's it. I want to be a little more fluid, which I think I've done a good job of last year and I want to keep doing. And then obviously therapy, we're keeping it. We're keeping it. We're never letting it go. I've told at least three people that they must start therapy this year. It's just such a good, it just feels like a safety net and we all need that. So if you're thinking of starting therapy, give BetterHelp a try. It's entirely online, which we love, designed to be convenient, flexible, suited to your schedule. You just have to fill out a brief questionnaire and get matched with a licensed therapist. You can switch anytime for no additional

charge. It's so easy. So celebrate the progress you've already made. Visit betterhelp.com slash synced today to get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash synced, S-Y-N-C-E-D. Yeah. Okay. Oh, well, this is an interesting heading. Another man. Ooh, the man episode. Male feminist codependent versus thongs and pubic hair. I'm so interested already. This is from Nick. Oh, okay. I like this. I've always considered myself a feminist, but unfortunately, I'm also afflicted with extreme codependence, which I'm now trying to overcome. I've started by being

more vocal about what I prefer in the small day-to-day stuff, and over time, I've worked my way up to more touchy subjects, and this led me to admitting to my girlfriend that there are certain things I find more appealing in the hanky-panky business, namely that I find thong underwear and well-groomed pubic hair to be a turn-on. This did not go particularly well since she is a, quote, big panties and, quote, bush type of girl, and she got defensive and insecure, saying she has never tried any of those things and never will. She went so far as to accuse me of being anti-feminist since no woman would ever honestly prefer to wear uncomfortable underwear and spend time grooming yet another part of her body. However shallow my taste, I know I'm not anti-feminist for having a preference, but my codependence is firing on all cylinders and I need an objective opinion.

Are thongs really that torturous? Are there some desires and preferences that should never be communicated when you know the other person won't be very receptive? Thanks and I hope the syncticate can help. Syncticate? Yeah. I like it. P.S. Thanks for offering an honest and real view into women. Listening feels like the mature version of secretly reading a cosmopolitan when we were boys. Oh, I love that. It's such a good question. I love when men write in.

Me too. I really want to encourage them. And that they listen. I just think it's lovely that they listen. Because actually, I wanted to bring this up. I have some friends, I know of two of them, who are incredible friends. And because they're incredible friends,

they listen to all of the armchair stuff, except one, which is this show. Two men. And it's really interesting because speaking of feminism, one of them I find to be like so feminist and very progressive and will argue with me on liberal ideals and stuff. And it kind of like came out in conversation that he doesn't listen. And he was saying it as if like, duh, I don't listen, obviously, because it's a show for women. It made me really think, why would you choose to not listen to this because it's to women? Women listen to shows with men all the time, kind of almost exclusively. We don't have a lot of other options. Yeah. It's so interesting. I wasn't really the right person to push it because it's our show.

Why don't you listen to one of the female show? But what? Well, this to me is the crux of hetero pessimism and just how hard relationships are between women and men because women know everything that men like and men know almost nothing that women like. And that's because we listen to men and we have had to listen to men since we've been born. Information that we get from the news in movies and like obviously in the last few years, we've had a big shift. So there's more options. And I think the next generation will grow up with different things. But like, even our cartoon characters were boys. Like we have empathy. I mean, I was listening, whatever, the TikTok came into my feed. And this guy that's like

a very big podcast by a man. There's a few out there. And he's interviewing the CIA spy or whatever. And he's like, what's one thing you could teach us about being a spy that would be super helpful to people in their real life? And this guy goes into basically like empathy. Like he's like, if you're able to put yourself in the shoes of the other person, you become invincible. And I'm like, okay, so empathy? Yeah. The thing that like women just- Innately. We innately have- More of.

More of, but then also that is programmed into us because we are constantly being put in the shoes of men. Yeah. We're put in the shoes of a person that is not us constantly without our choice. And particularly women of color, right? Like then you get even more granular, but like, I'm going to sound like man-hating, but I think that's why so many of my dates are bad. Like, I'm like, you don't know anything about women. Like, and I know everything about you. I know everything. Again, the thong, the, I know all your preferences.

Right. And I've been thinking about them for a really long time and been amending myself to them probably too much. And I think with men, it's a complete sort of reverse. Oh my God, we went down a tangent. Well, no, because I mean, I actually, I'm saying this because I want to commend these men who have chosen to listen to a quote,

girl show or a women's show or a female-based show because apparently that is not that common. Well, you know what's funny is that most of my friends, I don't make my friends, they don't have to listen to anything. But when they do, I just think it's nice. But I'm like, you already talked to me all friends. They don't have to listen to anything. But when they do, I just think it's nice. But I'm like, you already talked to me all day. You don't have to listen more of me.

But most of the people in my life, most of my friends who listen to the show are guys. Really? Yeah. A lot of my guy friends will be like, oh yeah, I really like that episode. Or like send me like things. And I'm like, more guys listen to it, which is so funny.

But that's probably not our demo. Well, no, it definitely isn't. Just based on our questions. Yeah. Well, that's interesting. I mean, that's good. And I just find it- Well, it's also, let me just give one,

also out of compassion for men, it's not cool to like things that women like, right? So that's also what's standing. I think a lot of men would enjoy things that are girl interests or whatever, but are pushed away from them from a very young age. Again, it's like the patriarchy hurts us all, but it sets up men where, yeah, there's probably a lot of potential synced male listeners who just aren't reaching their full potential as

sync squad members because they think it's not for them or they've been discouraged from it. Yeah. I mean, yeah. I guess it's a natural thing that if you see two women in like a pink outfit that like you won't. Blue. Pink and blue. Exactly. That you won't relate. And maybe you don't. Like maybe they've tried it and they're just like, I don't relate. But I just find it interesting because these two people in particular, they listen to everything. They listen to every other show we have. Anywho. Yeah. Okay. So, Nick.

First of all, it's such a personal preference. I mean, even for women, it's such a personal preference. I do like thongs. And I also feel like I'm not supposed to say that. No, no. But I do. You find them more comfortable. There's a certain brand that I use, and I don't feel it. And sometimes when I wear full coverage underwear, I find that more uncomfortable because it can like bunch or wedgie in a way that I don't

find as comfortable. So that is, it's just so personal. And, you know, it's a little frustrating. personal. And it's a little frustrating. I feel like it's frustrating for Nick. It must be, right? Because often women are forcing men to tell them their preferences just out of curiosity. I do that all the time. We've done it on armchair, I'm sure, where I'm like, okay, but just if you had to pick, would you prefer bald vagina or bush? I'm dying to know just the general consensus. Not because I'm going to change what I do, but I'm just so curious. Me too. Yeah. And I think a lot of women are, and I know a lot of women have asked their partners like, what do you prefer? Because some of my friends I know have asked their partners, what do you prefer? Because I don't actually care. Oh, okay.

So for you, like, so like, do you have a preference? Because I don't. It sounds like Nick's girlfriend has a strong preference. And so that's what she's going to do. And you're going to have to be okay with that. I think it's okay that he said his preference as long as he follows up with, but I also don't give a fuck. Like I'm happy to be with you regardless. It's all wonderful. Yes. I think he handled it the right way. I think these are very normal conversation. I think these

are not just normal, healthy. I think it's good to ask questions and to say what you like and to hear what the other person feels. And that's the thing, like sometimes those preferences align and that's great. And sometimes they don't. The person that you're with is into stuff that you're really not into, or sometimes they're really into something. And as a little gift, you're like, I can tolerate this thing and do it for them on their birthday or do it for them because I want to. Not because I feel forced to. And so this seems like it became this touchy topic, but I think that you're allowed to have preferences. And it's not you're allowed. You do. You do.

We all have preferences. Yes. So role reverse it a little bit. If you have a hairy chest or you don't have a hairy chest, and then your partner was like, I really like the opposite. How would you feel about that? You'd probably be like, well, okay. I mean, I have this. Yeah. I have this.

Yeah. So do you not find this attractive? You don't find me attractive? Like it gets out of hand really quickly. So I think having empathy, again, about the way you're saying it, of I kind of, I don't know, like I find this sexy, but nothing is sexier than you. Yes. You, the way you want to be. It's not sexy to have people uncomfortable. That's for sure. So if she's going to do this and then feel uncomfortable or feel like gross about herself, that you won't even like it.

Like it will ruin everything anyway. And I think where we get into trouble is when we don't say what we want or share our sexual fantasies and ideas. But sexual fantasies and ideas are different than body. But that's part of it, right? I see what you're saying. But it's not like I'm really into anal. I know you're not.

Just telling you, like, that's different than I like a type of body. Okay, well, the pubic hair, I guess you're right. I think the underwear thing, because I hate thongs with so much passion. Oh, you do. But I understand and I enjoy them in the bedroom. I think there's like a time and a place. But if my boyfriend was like, I want you to wear thongs every day,

I'd be like, no, I'm not. And I guess the pubic hair is, but that can also change, right? It's not like lose weight and then like be this thing, be different all the time. It seems like it was something that he would want to like try

or like for her to try as opposed to like be forever. I mean, he said he prefers that. Yes. So it's not one or the other. He's just saying what he prefers and it's not what she prefers. Right. About her own body.

Right. So I think you can say your preferences with the caveat, none of it actually matters. However you find yourself to be sexy, then that's all I care about really. So I think both can happen. I agree. But we're split on thongs. So it's just person to person. And all these things, pubic hair too. There's so many different variations and ways of doing all of it. All of it. I know. Oh, I love this question. That was good. Oh, this is sweet. Okay. I turned, oh my God, another man. Oh, I don't know. It could be a girl. I turned 30 today.

What do you wish you'd been told at 30? This is from Andy, but I don't know the gender. It doesn't matter, actually. Today's my 30th birthday, and it's Wednesday, so of course I'm listening to Sync and wondering what advice would Monica and Liz give me as I start this new decade. I spent my 20s taking life pretty seriously, working a lot, buying my first house, going to tons of therapy, good job, navigating health challenges, etc. Similar to Monica, I also hardly dated, haven't had sex yet, and sometimes feel insane to be so inexperienced romantically. As I look at my 30s, I'm hopeful and I can't help but expect a lot from them. I want to experience life more fully and loosen up.

What do you wish you'd known, been told, realized going into your 30s? Thanks for the light you two put out every week. Wow. Okay. First of all, happy birthday. Yeah. Happy birthday, Andi. Happy birthday.

30s are so much better than 20s. Yeah. I think 99% of people would agree with that. You really start understanding yourself in a way that you can't in your 20s because you're just learning so much. But what would I wish someone had told me? I think anytime you have super high expectations, it's really hard to meet them regardless of what they are. So 30 is so young. That's actually what I wish I'd known.

Because remember we talked about that episode of Friends where they turned 30 and there's something so visceral about being 36 and seeing that and seeing them freak out about being 30. And in my head, they were like 40, right? Yeah. You know, they kind of look older because that's what people dress.

Because they were a little bit older. Yes. But what I wish I'd known is don't take yourself too seriously. Yeah. You know, they kind of look older because that's what people dress. Because they were a little bit older. Yes. But what I wish I'd known is don't take yourself too seriously. Yeah. Because now I feel like I need to take myself,

like people have expectations of me as in like, I'm 36. Like I kind of need to have my shit together to a certain extent. But in your early 30s, you don't.

You know more, but you can still make a lot of mistakes basically. Yes, that's really true. Like your early 30s, yeah, fail a lot and take a lot of risks because you're still young enough that you can recover from anything. Like you're still so young and you can make so many changes and take like right and

left turns. So don't try and like, yeah, basically what you're like the high expectations being like, well, now I need to have my shit together. Like, no, you don't. Take advantage of those first few years in your early 30s because people haven't noticed that you're not still in your late, late 20s. Yeah, but you're like a better version of yourself. Exactly. But you can still be immature in some ways. Yeah, I like that.

That's good. You definitely don't have to have everything figured out. And not you don't have to, you don't and you won't. And we still don't. I don't. And I have friends who are about to be 50 and some friends who are in their 50s who don't it's kind of all it's all a game well it's just fake it's all fake it's this whole thing like where we think you are this age so you should have this or you should feel like this. It's all made up. So just like, just enjoy your birthday and get excited that you have a fun decade ahead. Yeah. And 30s is also where you like, I had a boyfriend that was older than me. And I remember

like, I had a little bit of a existential crisis of sorts turning 30 or 31. And he was like, your 20s are for when you, yeah, try everything, do anything, no one cares. 30s is when you actually kind of deepen your expertise. It was more career related, I guess. And then 40s is where you level up. Then you're at the sort of top

of that expertise that you've built. But there's something about 30s that I expected things to move as fast as in my 20s. And that's why I was frustrated and thought I was like failing. But actually 30s is more of a long game. Like it just, I guess you're more slow and steady instead of sort of rocket ship, which was

what your 20s can feel like. And so if things feel like they're going slower, don't worry. It actually is you kind of leveling up and sort of steadying into yourself. Yeah. And as far as relationships, especially if you haven't had many in your 20s, 30s is a better time. It's so fun. Because again, you know more about what you want, and that'll only get more and more and more as you age. And that is the best way to find a partner, when you know yourself and know what you want and not let society sort of dictate it.

Because I think in your 20s, you're letting everyone else tell you who you need to be. In your 30s, you start understanding who you want to be. That's so true. So it's exciting. It's so fun. Happy birthday, Andy. All right. Well, I think that's going to be it for today.

Thanks for listening. Guys, keep writing in. We love your questions. And we will see you next week. See you. Bye.