Armchair Expert with Dax Shepard - Tom Pelphrey

Episode Date: April 20, 2026

Tom Pelphrey (Task, Ozark, Love and Death) is an Emmy-winning actor and mental health advocate. He joins Armchair Expert to discuss growing up in New Jersey near the Shore, the impact of his intense high school acting teacher, and how he maintains lifelong childhood friendships. Tom and Dax talk about early success colliding with addiction, the relentless pace of daytime television, and rebuilding a life through sobriety. Tom explains why tying identity to achievement can be dangerous, how awareness unlocks real change, and why fatherhood is the ultimate ego reset.Take printer ink off your to-do list with HP Smart Tank | hp.com/SmartTankCheck Allstate first for a quote that could save you hundreds: https://www.allstate.com/See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Welcome, welcome, welcome to armchair expert. I'm Dan Shepard and I'm joined by Monica Mous. Hi. Today we have, for me, a revelation of last year for others not, old news because he's been great so many times. But I was exposed to him in Task last year. What a show. Tom Pelfrey.

He's an Emmy nominated actor. He was the bad guy with a heart of gold in Task. He also was mind blowing on Ozark, love and death, Iron Fist, and guiding, at the beginning. Guiding Light. And one daytime Emmys. I probably watched him in Guiding Light

because I used to watch that with my grandma. Was that one of your shows? It was. It was one of my shows. I probably watched a young him. If you've not seen Tass, get on it.

It streams on HBO right now and it's just a beautiful show. And then in addition to him, you have Mark Ruffalo. She's Louise Gay. It's such a good show all around. Powerhouse. Please enjoy Tom Pelfrey.

I feel like I feel like this is a very long time coming I know brother we have so many friends in common well Ziegers for sure Ziegers who else well I just feel like from that world there must be more yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I guess I miss there's no chance we've ever been in a meeting together is there I can't remember but I did have a panic this morning You're like, oh my God, what if we were in a meeting together? If you were a best friend. You're not dated in a past.

Where do you have to be at 1230? I'm so curious. Be honest. Something for a photo shoot and some kind of interview, but I don't really know what it is. Okay. You're just getting carded from place to place at this point. I just fucking honestly, they tell me where to go. I say, okay.

That's right. I do my best to show up. That's right. That's good. Yeah, have you had to adopt that strategy? Because I kind of watched my wife operate that way. For years, I was like, I need to know everything I'm doing. so far out in advance, like control freak. And then I'd watch her just kind of wake up and figure out what

she's doing that day. And it worked out just fine for her. And so slowly I've been like, oh, yeah, I'll figure out what I'm doing tomorrow. Have you always been this way or did you evolve to this? No, I've kind of always been this way. But to the extreme that it was not great. Okay, a little detrimental. Yeah, really, just not thinking at all about. Not being up in interviews, basically. Just thinking about tomorrow. Yeah. But I guess it is a good thing to. do to not think too far ahead when you're busy because then you get a little overwhelmed. I just produce a bunch of anxiety, obviously, because I'm not in today. I'm focused so much on

tomorrow. Do you feel like you're more prone to have anxiety? Yeah, you know, I have zero in my waking hours. Like if you ask me, do you have anxiety? I don't. At night, clearly I do, because I wake up many, many nights a week and just ruminate on stuff. That's coming up in the future for an hour. So clearly I do have a lot of anxiety, but when I'm awake, I'm not fearful of it. It wakes you up from sleep. Oh, yeah, yeah. Have you ever read Jung? Carl Jung?

No. Just so much of it is you use the subconscious. So often in a Jungian session, you'll just talk about your dreams. And I wonder if these things are waking you up in the middle of the night that there might be a way in there, that you're not consciously experiencing it, but maybe there's something deeper. Yeah, I mean, I was just in Nashville for a week where we have a house and I don't work there. And I sleep like a baby there.

Wow. And I don't ever wake up with anxiety because I have literally nothing to do. Yeah. What's your anxiety level? Not high. Not very high. Again, back to the not thinking too much into the future. If anything in the past, and this is a lot less so recently, but I would feel depression

at times. Some people are kind of more one way, some people a little bit more, the other. So just like melancholy? Yeah, just the kind of sadness, sometimes coming out of nowhere, not necessarily attached to anything. Yeah. And then the future is bad, right? And you're in that state, it's not full of opportunity and hope.

Everything feels bad and that's the, everything just gets kind of gray. Maybe you're not even thinking about tomorrow or the future is just right now is bad or just like feels heavy. Yeah, it just kind of comes on. And that's an interesting thing to observe. You know Eckart Tolle if you guys read the power now? Yeah, that book really changed my life in a lot of ways. But he sort of says even the way you talk to yourself about it, even saying instead of I'm sad to say I have a sadness in me to acknowledge it's not who you are and also that it's

sort of transit. It's not an identity. Yes, it's temporary. Right. Yeah. Okay. So Howl Township, New Jersey. This is a suburb of New York City, isish.

Central Jersey, Jersey Shore. Oh, Jersey Shore. Bruce Springsteen. Okay. And then recently we just. Yes, Charlie Pookew. Okay. Yes.

A claim to fame. We have a lot of Jersey boys and gals. Yeah. How far to New York from Howell Township? Hour 15 with decent traffic. And how close to the Jersey Shore? Oh, 10-minute drive. So did you grow up hanging around the boardwalk?

Oh, yeah. Okay, and was it similar to what I watched on MTV? There were a lot of Guidos with gold chains. There is a lot of that, but the problem that we had with, what was that show called? Jersey Shore. Jersey Shore, right? Apply named. Yeah.

The problem we had with that show was. all the kids on that show, I think minus one, we're all from Long Island. Yeah, they were very Long Islandy. That's great. But no, that is kind of the vibe. That's like a seaside heights kind of vibe, which I think is where that show was filmed. Depending on the beach you go to, you get a very different flavored, very different color. Yeah, yeah.

What was your little click in that world? What kind of dudes did you hang out with? I'm seven years older than you. Okay. I think I have some idea of what was happening seven years behind me. I was very fortunate. I just was back in New Jersey for a few weeks. I still have some of my best friends that I've truly been friends with since I was four years old. Oh, wow. So nice. It's incredible. Life saving. Yes, such a beautiful thing to be able to have those kind of friends still. And so we were kind of a mixture. There was some who were better at athletics. I eventually, obviously, get in acting. But everybody was very kind and supportive. of one another. I had a very wholesome. Oh, wow. Okay, good. This isn't one I would have maybe took a guess

at. I went hard left as soon as I went to college. Okay, okay. Before then it was a pretty nice and peaceful. Is your brother older or younger than you? My brother's younger, almost four years. Did he try to pale around like I tried to pale around with my brother? He did. He followed a lot. Bobby was like the natural athlete. My brother's six foot six. Oh my goodness. Star basketball player. Oh, played football wide receiver. He was in a different mold. Who looked out for who? physically. Well, Bobby would always say, even when he was bigger, he would say, I don't mess with Tommy because Tom is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's a really vital thing. If you can claim crazy early in your life, it really saves you. What brand of crazy were you? Just the kind that if

it's going to go there, I don't really care. We'll go all the way. When you're a boy and you get a sense that even if I win this fight, I'll be walking at some point. I'm going to get hit with a stick or shovel. When you assess that that guy is going to... But there's different types of crazy. There's like they're going to just verbally fight you on everything. They're going to get in physical fights. They're going to jump off a roof for no reason. You know, there's so many kinds of you guys.

A lot of brands. A lot of brands. I think the root of it is just like a super sensitivity or a fear. Not for maybe in that situation, but for me certainly. Yeah. Was realizing with a certain amount of demonstration of anger, the energy would push everybody back and then you'd get some space. Yeah.

So Bobby is the little brother. Yeah. What did mom and dad do? Mom was a secretary bookkeeper and dad was kind of like a traveling salesman. Oh, of what variety? What did he sell? Coffee filters for a while. Coffee filters.

I have my coffee here with me. I never leave home without it. So definitely raised the son who's... What a niche thing to sell? I know. How did he stumble into coffee filters? I don't know exactly. I just remember sometimes when I was really young, he would come back from overseas.

I remember in particular a sweatshirt from New Amsterdam that I tried to wear every day. To be worldly. Isn't it wild the things that are so magic when you're... Yeah, it's true. And they're tiny. I know. Yeah, yeah. And they mean so much.

I know. It is weird. So as you get all there and it's like these little snapshots you have of these little things like that sweatshirt or this thing. It's like, why was it so powerful? You almost want to know. Well, I think I know. It's like your dad was a way he thought of you. Yeah.

He got you something. That's what it means, you know, like, oh, my dad was out on his own. I mean, no one's thinking about that consciously, but that's what it means. It's like a connection to him. For sure. What was your relationship with him? We got closer when I got older. My parents got divorced when I was still pretty young.

We still got to see my daddy coached my basketball team. God bless him. I played all the sports and I was terrible. at all of them. But, you know, he's the coach and I'm his son and he had to play me. I was good at like fowling out. But when I got older, we started to get closer. I think that when you sort of become a man or start to,

the world takes on much more gray, less black and what you start to understand a little bit. You start to get a taste a little bit of you lose this sort of childish simplicity or naivete and I think I could meet him there on a more even level. And we started to connect that. Unfortunately, he passed away when I was 25. So a few years after that, yeah. Yeah, so fucking young. I know. Did he die of cancer? No, a heart attack. He passed away in his sleep. Were there signs of it? Was that a complete shocker or was he already struggling with heart disease? There was no signs, no warnings. He did not take the best care of himself. So I don't think he'd been to a doctor in in years.

Did he have any addiction stuff? I mean, who were we to judge? My dad, thank God, identified as an alcoholic and got sober, so it's very easy for me to say. I don't know.

I mean, yes, he liked to drink. He would never touch hard alcohol. Oh, only beer. Oh, beer. Not wine. New Jersey in the 90s.

Man didn't drink wine. I don't know. You could have been cultured. He went to Amsterdam. Amher. God. God knows what he's doing in Amsterdam. Did you have stepdad?

No. Oh, great. Good for you. Yeah. It was my mom, really. Looking back now, being a father now,

I always appreciated what she did, but like just looking back now, knowing, even just having one kid and I have an amazing partner and we have help and all of that, my mom raised two boys, two wild animals on her own while she worked full time.

time. I don't know where to put that in my head. I really don't. I don't even understand how you do that. How you do that and even if you were somehow able to like white knuckle that, how it doesn't make you like twisted in some way and it didn't. And I'm imagining too financial stress, right? It's not like you guys were rich or anything. My dad made sure that the money thing was fine. We were by no means rich or anything, but we also weren't in any kind of poverty. And there was stress for sure, but it wasn't like the overwhelming theme of everything. Yeah, I took my daughters, just me a year ago right now to Hawaii for spring break, the three of us. In day three the trip, I called my mom and I was like, I don't know how you took the three of us on trips.

And those are girls. And they're girls. To be fair. Pretty put together girls. Not David and Dax, right. The fighting because they're bickering and like after three days of it, I'm like, this is nuts. Why did I do this? And I'm like, my mom took us on 20, 30 vacation. vacations and cars. Yeah, I know. Yeah, just sitting in a car for 21 hours with three kids driving in Florida. I know. Would you ever take the train?

Oh, I don't know if you would have been able to do that. We took the train down once to Disney World. Oh, you did. Oh, my God. Oh, tell me. Well, it's just an overnight train ride as a kid. Yeah, recline the seat and there's a dining car. Oh, yeah.

That's when I started reading Lord of the Rings. Weird. I haven't thought about this since so long. I wanted to read Lord of the Rings. I went to the library and I didn't understand the order, so I took out the second book first. So I'm reading the two towers on the train down the flight. It's one of my happiest memories. Were you a reader?

Oh, yeah. Varacious. Later on in life, when I got into certain programs, they would call it alcoholic reading. I loved reading from a young age, just huge books getting lost in them. I don't think my mom understood that. Stephen King is kind of like a low-key pervert in his books. You know what I mean? It doesn't show up in the movies.

So if you just know movies, he's like, oh, it's horror. But then you read the books. I'm like 11 years old reading all these. My gateway into reading was Bukowski. So similar. I was just like, oh, yeah. No. Yeah, because I didn't start reading until like high school.

Did you read Bukowski when you're younger? I mean, when I was in college. That's what turned me on to reading. I was like, half these stories about this guy taking a shit or getting drunk or fucking some stranger or getting in a bar fight. And at 14, 15, I'm like, oh, this guy's a hero. Doesn't how powerful books are. You became that. If you had read like Ann of Green Gables, you'd be so different. We would be sitting here. I read other books and I became it too. You're right. I guess we are who we are. It doesn't matter. Some people are just destined to go somewhere.

Were you an introvert or were you super social? I've heard the term extroverted introvert. Is that getting too cute? Or Ambervert? I think. of people are now saying? Ambevert? I think that's the term. Both. Like, you have periods of both. You can be extrovert and then you got to recharge.

Right. They say how you recharge is what you are. I definitely recharge alone. So I don't get energy from being around a ton of people. But I like being around people too. But I think Kaylee told us that when you guys met, you were living like in the woods in upstate New York or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like you and a dog in the woods? Halfway up a mountain on a dirt road, baby. It feels very introverted. Yeah. I would go crazy. I would have to figure out something social. I'm definitely an introvert, but I've also gotten more balanced

than that I enjoy being around people. Is she a bit of a gateway for you for that? Oh, my God. She's like the total opposite of making every way. That's so fun. What a good team. Well, I'll tell you, I never before in life understood

what it actually meant to have a partner. What a powerful thing. And the more I receive from her, the more I see that she's sort of gone out of her way to either understand me or love me or both, the only response, and it's quite a naturally occurring response, is to want to reciprocate, to want to give it back. Like, how can I be better?

Where can I understand you better and show up a little better? And you have that experience. This is wild. Yeah. I was thinking a lot this morning, both times I've interviewed her. I'm like, this gal and Kristen, there is so much overlap in the Venn diagram. There's the obvious stuff.

There's like this animal obsession. And there's this kind of carefree spirit. it and things will work out and don't worry. A lot of that stuff. But what I think I really isolated this morning when I was mulling it over is Kristen has insane self-esteem and confidence. And the benefit of that self-esteem and confidence is kind of mind-blowing. I could have never really anticipated what that was.

And Kaylee strikes me as that same way. 100%. She'll say what she wants to say. She's not overthinking who thinks what. She's just confident. That's a powerful thing in a partner, isn't it? No, it's a really powerful thing. When I was first around her, seeing how much she believed in herself

and was just fully in her own body, in her own way, confident in what she was doing. There was times I was literally like, are you allowed to do that? Yeah. We're going to get off. Yeah. I'm like tearing myself apart and I'm questioning myself and doubting myself. And she's just like, this is who I am. This is how I do things.

And I have no problem with that. And I know what I am and I know what I'm not. and I have no problem with that either. That was wild, you know, especially in the beginning of coming from a place of trying to heal this sense of like, how do I be all things to all people? I've gotten over that a lot more recently. Yeah, and we just had this expert on that was telling us about different attachment styles and like a secure attachment style. And I think when you're really insecure, you're worried the person you're with is going to leave you

or you're not worthy of them. And then so because you're afraid of that, you're looking for a lot of data to either, confirm or deny that. So they're evaluating the relationship a lot. So maybe if Kaylee was insecure, it wouldn't be easy for her to be generous to you and benevolent the way she's been to you because she would think, well, I'm giving and he's not reciprocating. And is that mean this as opposed to like, I'm great and I'm going to just pour it on you. I don't think that's a loss of my power or a loss of my leverage or I don't know. I just think there's so much that grows out of having a partner that's kind of confident. A hundred percent. But I also think that over time we've learned that she does have

insecurities in other places and where I might be strong and secure. And that's kind of amazing too, where you realize like, okay, we're actually kind of balanced here, even though it just shows up in different ways. So where I'm strong, I can help you and where you're strong, you can help me. Those are the best. It's wild. By the time we met, I was 39 years. I was almost 40 years old to go that long without really understanding what partnership could mean. Yes. You know, I'm grateful. Were you filling each other's gaps and you make each other better? Yeah. And as much as you've known who you are, how much do you feel like since the really knowing

who you are that you've also changed? You've changed a ton. Yeah, I've changed a ton. That's beautiful, though. Yeah. I feel like that's the real knowing who you are. When you know who you are on a deep enough level that you're allowing yourself to change versus this is who I am and then you're muscling your identity.

I totally agree with you. And I think that's a faux belief in yourself if you think you have to be really. rigid to protect this identity. It actually comes from insecurity if you're 100% attached to your belief on anything, really. If you're just like, this is 100% what it is and it's very black and white, that actually comes from insecurity because you're afraid. Well, what happens if I change my mind on this? Like, who will I be?

Yeah, you'll be untethered. Your identity. Yeah, is at stake. Right, right. I also think I like a strong partnership is very similar to the program, which is like, I'm not good at you telling me what to do. I always buck against that. I'm terrible at it. asking for mentorship or advice. But if I can watch you navigate a situation and you're sharing

about it and I can just be over here watching and I go, oh yeah, I have that same character defect. You did what? Oh, and what was the outcome? If I can observe you, I can grow and learn a lot. I do best if I'm just allowed to observe you. So yeah, to observe Kristen moving through life for the last 19 years, doing it completely different than me. And then getting these different results, I think that's helped me enormously grow towards those things. Yeah, almost like learning or taking advice through the attraction of like a good example versus somebody sitting you down and telling me what to do. Because my insecurities go like, well, I should know that already and now I'm going to act like I do know it.

Nobody likes being told about that. I don't know. I see people like that. Well, do you like being directed? I feel like you would. Oh, that depends. Okay. Yeah.

Tell me. If the director's. Good. Yeah, Fincher's directing you. Fincher brings out the yes, sir, and me, you know. Yeah. He brings out the bring it on. I'll do anything you say, I'll run through the wall for you, all that stuff. And there's a lot of different ways that directors can be beautiful and really good at what they do. I was having this conversation the other day, but I think ultimately, well, for anybody,

probably in all things, but certainly when it comes to what we do is, is that person themselves? Do they know who and what they are? And are they coming from that place? meaning David would direct how David's going to direct, and Jeremiah, who I just worked with on task, will direct how Jeremiah is going to direct. And Jeremiah is just this sweet angel human being. What a show. Just beaming love and this gentle kind of very whispery.

But they are both who they are and their power comes from being in how they are and not trying to do what somebody else would do. They know their point of view and they have one. Yeah, I mean, probably just in life, in general, but when you really encounter that in somebody, you sort of know it on the level of like intuition. Yeah. And then you respond to it. It feels very safe. There's nothing that's coming from them that feels like a lie or a insecurity being revealed. Right. Yeah, that's so true.

It's very true. When did you want to start acting? I know you went to Rutgers. I had a high school teacher that changed my life. Oh, really? Who was that? Steve Kazakov. I auditioned for the play. I couldn't sing or dance. Got a little chorus part. And he, he came in and he was genuinely scarier than the football coaches. Oh. And it was like, who's this? Who is this guy? Yeah.

But he took it dead serious. Yeah, good for him. At a high school. What a gift. What a gift. What a gift. And he spoke to all of us like we were paid professionals. It was incredible.

I think if I hadn't had that experience, I don't know if I would have done it because what that experience gives you is an insane work ethic. if what you're doing is very important, he also drilled into us, you are a part of something greater. So even if you were the lead in the play, you didn't have to rehearsed that day, you stayed and helped build the sets.

There wasn't a question about that. And so it builds the sense of we're all here to do something that's bigger than any one of us could do by ourselves and you're a team and you support everybody else on the team. That's lovely. It's so good.

Incredible. You loved it. I heard you talking with somebody about how all in you were in that the school was eight to six. You were also in two different other theater groups. You were doing shit at night. Class until six, and then there'd be a main stage show,

and then you'd work on that from 7 to 11. You'd either act in the show or you were running some part of the backstage to learn how to do that. And then from 11 p.m. to 1 a.m., we had two different black box theaters, and at that time, they would give us access to them. So whatever we wanted to do, we could.

And we never were not. doing something from 11 to 1 a.m. So we'd write our own plays, we'd direct them, we'd cast them with our friends, we'd hang the lights, we'd make the music cues, and we'd rehearse them for a month or so, and then we would put on the show on a weekend that we didn't have the mainstage show. So we were constantly layers in of working on multiple things simultaneously, and also learning how to do everything ourselves. Yeah, and never getting fatigued, just being energized by the whole thing. ever the things I could get away with back then when I was 20 years old I mean it's like wild what school was Rutgers oh nice until today I didn't even know Rutgers was New Jersey State University oh yeah

Scarlet Knights oh yeah I guess I thought I mean it's got a real prestige too of the day of Rutgers does it well yeah it's not New Jersey University yeah yeah yeah which is pretty cool yeah pretty rare It's very rare for a state university to have a name aside from Colorado State, right? I never thought about that. I think. I can't think of any other ones. I know, same. Yeah.

I was like, oh, Rutgers must be like a private. Is Tulane? Tulane's probably private, actually. Probably. It was just there and I should know that. I don't. What is that? Nicotine.

Would you like some? No. Okay. Those of a spray if you prefer. Lossinger's ends. Did you ever smoke? Oh, like a motherfucker. And you quit.

Yeah. 20 years ago, 21 years ago. I have two cigarettes at night. Good for you. That's my dream. That's your advice. Wouldn't you agree as someone who used to drink? The dream is two jack and dyes tonight.

If I could do that, that would be no. I know that I'm one of us because you even say that and I get a knot my stomach. It was like panic. Because in that regard, I could never imagine. It's funny now, like in retrospect, but when I would be drinking, it used to like pain me and genuinely confused me, be out with somebody drinking at a bar or whatever, and somebody would like leave half there. I used to always be like, what?

It was as crazy to me as someone trying to eat their food aimily. Like, what do you? Why did you order it? The medicine's still in there. Like, what? No, exactly. What are we doing here? Is there not a purpose in what we're doing here?

We're trying to get obliterated. Yes. And that's the solution. You can't leave half of an hour. No, that was maddening. And then having that debate in your head, like, am I going to be a scumbag and say, like, are you going to finish that? Which I ultimately always would.

Sure. Oh, you want, let's not leave this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. What the fuck they ordered. Yeah. Yeah. Can't be left. I said this last night, my family and I have discovered this taco place on the street with hard-shelled tacos.

And we like them so much. As I'm eating them, I'm panicked, you know? And I got six last night. Halfway through it was like, not enough. I didn't get enough. And then other people ordered some. And there was one person left one. And I was like, is that going to go?

I go, dude, this is just like cocaine, which is I stopped doing cocaine when there's no cocaine. Yeah. Not I'll stop now. And these tacos, there would never be a taco left on the table. I don't care how many were ordered. I will have them until they're gone. Yeah. Even though they're never gone.

Well, they were gone. No. You can get them again tomorrow. Literally, anytime you want, you can get those. It's like addiction. It's a scarcity. I mean, I drink a lot. well, frequency I drink a lot.

But I'm always leaving half. Sometimes I drink half a martini. I'm like, you know what I want wine now? And then I'll leave that. I'll drink some of the wine. For me, it's just so social. I mean, you want a little buzz, obviously. Let's be real here.

Yeah, but obliteration is not the whole. That sort of gives you an insight into the mental illness of it. Because as we're saying this, I know at the time, I thought you were the one who had a problem. Yeah. And I really did. I'm not trying to be funny. Why are they even doing this? Like, are you doing this?

Like, are you doing this for a show? Just don't drink at all. Yeah, right. Not at all. You're not taking this seriously. Interesting. I kind of agree that there is something weird about that, too. Like, well, if you're just going to have a little bit, why do you need it?

I get that. The rationale. I get that too. Yeah. The other thing I think you can quickly tell how people are is I'll watch a movie like leaving Las Vegas. And I go, yeah, man, that looks so good. I mean, most people, non-addicts are watching that going, that looks terrible.

Scary. And I'm watching and going like, yeah, man, to finally throw in the towel and just go, like, I'm going all the way and I'm not going to look back. Weirdly is still appealing. I mean, I'm not going to do it. But I watch it and I can remember just finally going, I don't give a fuck. I mean, so much of the addiction I think, at least for me, was like medicating this mountain I had on my shoulders. Like, I got to accomplish this. and I got to accomplish that.

I'm like, don't become this. I'm a fucking loser. And when I would just surrender to a three-day bender, I was letting that go. Of course. I was like, we're not going to be a fucking star. We're not going to be a published author.

We're not going to be a good boyfriend. We're not going to drive responsibly. We're just going to be a piece of shit. And I'm going to let go of this battle. And there's a lot of relief in that. And where have you found your relief? Where do you find it now? First of all, I don't have it as much.

I have children. right, you know now for three years, anything we thought that was important is a fucking joke. I know. Your movie works or doesn't or your show's good or bad. 100%. Oh, okay.

Well, you know, it doesn't matter anymore, which is liberating. But even before that, years of sobriety and just having a partner and building other aspects of my life that weren't me trying to be spectacular or relief from that. Can you relate to that pressure?

Of course. And I had to give that up over time in sobriety, realizing that that was just as detrimental as the drinking was, truly, because it becomes like, who am I? And if this is my identity, if this is how I'm evaluating myself, then I'm always going to fall short. Be careful what game you're playing, because depending on the game, there is no way to win. There is no top. And even if you get to the top, you can't stay there. You have to sustain now the top, which is even harder probably. Genuinely, I would imagine so,

just seeing how it goes sometimes where you do something and it's good and it comes out at the right time and you sort of, and it goes up, you're like, that's a wild confluence of many things happening at exactly the right time coupled with, we did a good enough job, and boom, it kind of takes off. You're like, there's no way to control that. You can't even replicate it. If we could, people would do it all the time. Clearly we can't. You have an industry with a bunch of people trying to figure out how to do it, and they can't do it

with any consistency. So it is out of your control. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right? And then you are powerless. And then for me it was like, okay, well, then what is the identity that I want to build my house on? Because for years it was actor, actor, actor. And then, of course, not succeeding.

And even if you were succeeding, it wasn't succeeding enough. How are you anything but a failure? If that's the identity, it was just constant failure or less of a failure, more of a failure, whatever. It's insanity. Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare. We are supported by Allstate. Checking Allstate first could save you hundreds on car insurance.

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affiliates, Northbrook, Illinois. And look, I've only gotten to the top of one mountain, and it was this one. And the second you get there, there is 10 minutes of elation. And then you go like, oh, right, there's only now one. Trajectory. There's only one movement left. It's down. And that is almost way scarier than the other thing than the climbing.

Yeah, yeah. Well, this is mine to lose now. Oh, fuck. Yeah. A new round of, I wasn't prepared for this. I thought I was going to get here and just feel fucking carefree all the time. No, now I just know I have something to lose. And I think that's where when you can start to visualize or see these things, not as concepts, but as the real energy that drives you through

your life and decide, do I want to play that? No, that's not where I want to build my house. That's not what I'm putting on the altar. So I will play that, but it won't mean identity. Yeah, yeah, yeah. mean who I am. It will not mean my value. I'll do it. Weirdly, then you can do it with more freedom. Yeah, exactly. It is. I became a million times better actor when I decided I am done identifying myself with being an actor. Yeah. I don't think telling people, I mean, we have to tell them and it's good, but you have to get there on your own. Yeah, he can side stop it. I don't think you can hear And they're like, oh, okay, I just won't care. You care.

It's a hard trick. It's a hard mental trick. Back to the kid, things like, you receive all this love. They have no clue whether you were good or bad on task. They don't know what HBO is. It doesn't mean anything. And you're experiencing this love because you're you and you're available and you're connected and present.

That's all it takes to be worthy of love. I know. It's nuts, right? I'm a cry, baby, too. Oh, yeah. I'm on a burn. Yeah, I'm on a merge. I'm not crying face, too.

Let's let it rip. It's so good. It is the gifts of getting to be a father to finally understand what unconditional love is both ways. Like, here we go. Yeah. But there's nothing she could ever do where I wouldn't love her with all of my being. Yeah.

And there's no accomplishment that would make. you love her more. Amen, brother. And I also know, like you said, the feeling when I walk into the room, she is excited to see me. She does not give a fuck about anything I did or not do. He just wants you to be there. He's here. He's here. He's here. Presence. That's it. Man, what a beautiful gift. Yeah. I don't have kids. So I wish people would be able to have that without it. I mean, that's the goal, right? The kids are the reason you're able to feel it, but we should all be feeling like that. Our presence is enough to be loved and worthy.

I do too, but there is a certain reality of the marketplace of friendship and partnership, right? It's like people shop in their echelon. Jocks are friends with jocks. Burnouts are friends with burnouts. So to deny that all this stuff is real is also not true. It's like status is a real thing. People are attracted to people who other people are attracted to. All these things are real.

But the real relationships, the ones with the. family, the ones with my childhood friend. He doesn't like me more now that I've gotten successful. Right. Maybe he lies. You know, I'm distracted. But those ones are the ones you kind of got to foster have because the other place is a bit of a marketplace. Does that make sense what I'm saying? I see what you mean, but I guess I'm saying more in the general sense, not like love from a specific person. It's like I'm someone worthy of love walking around not to get someone's approval, but just like walking around on Earth, like, yeah, I'm a person. So I'm worthy of this.

Yes. And you are. Kids give you that. Yeah. But we all should have that. It's hard, though. We all have it inherently, and I think we forget it. And I think we don't show it to each other. Especially nowadays. It's the worst timing for that, I feel. Well, it's interesting because what I experienced with Matilda, my daughter, makes me, and maybe this is the way my brain works, but you probably think it too. I immediately start applying it out. I start thinking like, that's someone's daughter, that's someone's son. Once you know that and then you see the ripples, you're like, well, if this is me and her, then how sacred this is applies to everyone everywhere all the time.

I love that. I don't think everyone's doing that. I mean, maybe they are. I need tricks. Look, I don't start with great intentions and I don't start with love and kindness and benevolence. So I have tricks. Like, that's one. Like, yeah, that's someone's kid.

A kid's being annoying. You see it all the time. Kids around other kids. One kid is a fight. And then you just go like, I know what the dad feels like. That's the most special little girl in the world. I know. She's picking her nose.

She shit her pants. And she just had someone. And if that's my daughter, I'm like, fuck yeah, girl. You know, my other hack is, this is so indulgent. But arm cherries are the nicest fucking human beings. Mona kind of constantly do this. Oh, my God. People listen to the show are just across the board the nicest fucking people.

We've met so many of them that if I'm in traffic and I'm getting mad, I have to go like, I imagine that's an arm cherry. And I just completely immediately drop the whole thing. But I need tricks, unfortunately. Me too. It's not my nature to be like, yeah, this guy's got good intentions. Let's give him a shot. Not my nature either, brother.

Yeah. That's the thing. We have to work on all this, like left to your own just natural devices. It doesn't usually turn out the most beneficial for all involved. Yeah, we're trying to get ours and protect ourselves and all those things. But you're trying to not do that. That's just the only thing we can do is try not to. And then you can if you're like, you know what, I want to try to see this in a better light than you can't.

Yeah, well, the part of the miracle is even being aware of what you're doing in the first place. It goes back to that Eckhart Tolle book reading that and him saying that over half the battle is won the second you're aware that there's even something happening, that there's even something to change, that there's even something you don't like, that there's even something you're battling. because at least I can relate. When I was drinking and stuff, I could make jokes about all I'm an alcoholic. I didn't understand until I understood, and once I understood, it changed. I didn't really understand until I understood.

And that sounds silly. It even sounded silly to me, three weeks sober looking back, being like, how is this a revelation to you? This is so obvious. I'm dying to know if we have the same experience. So my understanding is, what you probably drank through college

and it was fun, you're successful. Yeah. Then you got on the soap and you got two daytime Emmys. That was two years out of college. Right out of college. Where were we at? Ego-wise.

I have two different thoughts. One would be like if I was 20, I was making money fucking doing this and you were nominating me, I would be on fire. I was in a Thesbian from high school who went to college and I don't know if you had some like, I need to be doing Broadway. I'm not sure. What was that part like? I did have that.

I had the I want to be doing Broadway and blah, blah, blah, blah. but I also thought that I was fantastic and I was being shown all the evidence of how great I was and that the world would be rolling out the red carpet. When I left the soap, the great shock to my ego, leaving the soap and everyone didn't have a red carpet rolled out for me.

You know, 80 scripts lined up being offered to you. They didn't bring a pallet over of offers. Not only did I not have 80 scripts being offered, but the things I was desperately trying to get, I couldn't even get. Do you remember what actor you wanted to be at that moment? Who is your like? At that point, Sean Penn.

Yeah. I mean, Jack Nicholson's always been my favorite. He'll always be my favorite. He's a Jersey boy. He grew up 15 minutes from where I grew up. I mean, he's the guy. Talk about a dude who knows himself. Oh, man.

More than any other actor, I think I always watch him with a bit of a smile on my face. Like, it just makes me happy to watch him do almost anything. Couldn't agree more. No, at that time, though, it would have been Sean Penn. Like, Sean Penn in college. That was like, actors' actor. I wanted to know everything about Sean Penn. look at Sean Penn and Mystic River

and then watch milk. Even some of the best actors, there's like an essence and that essence to me permeates what they do almost regardless of what they're doing. Even if they do two things that are equally amazing and genius, there's a similarity

in essence. Sean Penn doing Mystic River and then Sean Penn and milk, I'm like, that's not the same human being. Where's the vibration that like, even if I close my eyes and my ears somehow I can feel Daniel DeLois is in the room. You can kind of feel that about Sean Penn, too. And then he does something that's like a bit of a sweet and lowdown.

You're like, wow. He like changed his own rhythm. Yeah. Can I tell you something? You have that. Whoa. You really had that. When I was watching Tassel, I was like, that's that guy?

Like, it was shocking. Such a transformation. Wow. You've hit the mark you were going for. Okay. So you wanted to be Sean Penn, but you're getting all this love. It has to be related. It coincides as well.

that ends right when your dad dies too. These have to be a kind of a confluence of... Yeah, it was actually wild timing, and this is why sometimes real stories are stranger than fiction in the sense of come off the soap and just really crash into the brick wall. The drinking was always kind of out of control, but I always had structure. I realized looking back, I'd had structure straight through. High school, college, college only a few months off into the soap. Now, the soap, I never missed a day. I was never unprepared, regardless of how insane I was. So the soap was amazing structure.

It's five days a week. It's like the hardest job in acting, right? It's labor intensive for sure. You're doing like 20 pages a day or 30 pages a day. For the audience, you're doing four pages a day on a normal show. The soap itself is filming 60 pages a day or 50 because commercial break. So you're doing an hour of television every single day. It's crazy.

Every single day. I love it. It's impossible. It's insane. Unless the light fell on your head, you're getting, one take. You know what I mean? There's just literally not enough time. If they have a different angle on someone else, maybe they'll keep the take where you got it in the head with it. Yeah, well, and they can because they have three cameras, at least back then, proscenium style, three cameras and they're

live editing in the booth. So out of the corner of your eye, you could see if camera one, the red light comes on, you know, and now it's on you and all that kind of stuff. I feel like this is incredible training in so many ways. It's amazing. I'd never been in front of a camera before. The technical aspect of the job, which is hard to pick up, if you've only done theater and stuff. Also just memorizing fucking dialogue, right? You're doing 20 pages a day or something? A total muscle, because when I first got there, it took me two weeks to learn 10 pages.

And by the end, just as like a bet, we would do these character episodes where our character would be in the entire episode. So again, 55 pages, whatever. When it got time to be mine, they were like, do you want to do it in one day? I said, yes. And I did.

Yeah. And I knew what I was doing. But that's a crazy muscle. But you can exercise it. It is wild, though, isn't it? how much your brain will adapt and morph into where you need it to be strong. It's shocking. Okay, so all that's going on.

So all that's going on. So I get out of the soap. The red carpet isn't rolled out. It's also suddenly the structure gets pulled, which at the time I wasn't thinking like, oh, I've had structure and now I'm going into no structure. Completely I'm prepared for no structure. This is why all the retired athletes get depressed. They've had this structure for their whole life.

Totally. So everything goes off the rails, devastated, depression. This sounds so self-indulgent, but it's just the truth. This is how I felt. And then about a year of that, and then my dad dies, that really rocked me. I hadn't known anyone who had died that was close to me who wasn't very, very old before my dad. And again, it was a surprise, and he's my father. And that sadness, I realized like, oh, what was I being sad about before?

Right. You almost felt shame. Shame, but also it just like shocked me into like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, there's real things, you know. Oh my gosh. But that, that experience was wild and something that no one had talked about before or at least I hadn't paid attention to or read about or anything. But my dad died, there was grief, but there was just also like this terrible fear. I just felt like I was on the edge of the abyss. Like it brought my own mortality, everything rushing out. at me in a way. It was also this realization that unfortunately, probably too many people have this realization much younger than I was, but that nothing is guaranteed. And whatever you think is there for sure that makes you feel safe, it's not. Like the anvil of impermanence hit you. Yes. I was not in any place mentally, spiritually, physically to grapple with or to understand or to have a practice around, and it really rocked me. What year did you get sober? October 1st, 2013.

It was six years later, give or take. What was your trajectory? It was like a slow burn. I hadn't worked in over a year. I was in a considerable amount of debt, broke, worried about not being able to pay my rent, all the things. The last thing I was hanging my hat on ego-wise

was a relationship I had with a woman who was very successful and beautiful, And yeah, yeah. Like, well, she chose me. I bullied myself quite a bit that way too. That's what we're doing before we know how to do anything else. It's just like, where is my value there? Exactly.

Because those are all falling away now, but that ended. And then I just remember being in my apartment in Brooklyn at the time and just being so crushed, felt so worthless. And you know, at that time, I didn't realize what it was until later, but I can articulate it now, just like the constant level of this fear, anxiety, shame, guilt. It's like a buzzing constant. How do you boil the frog slowly? That buzzing builds slowly over time. You don't realize how deafening it'd become until you're freed of it, hopefully

freed of it. So you're just in this constant state of this anxiety, almost paralysis, fear. It's this shrunken. And you think that's normal. Absolutely. That's part of the problem. Again, the awareness of it. You just think that's normal because that's the way you've been slowly living more and more,

more like. out of the blue in my apartment in Brooklyn, still to this day, don't fully understand this, into my brain, read the power of now. Where'd that come from? Huh? Yeah. But I was like, okay, I knew I had to do it. I'm going to do that.

But I don't know where that came from. Weird. Very strange. And thank God. Yeah, this is before your phone could have heard you. True. No algorithm. Yeah.

Yeah. And I didn't even have a smartphone back then. The universe smartphone. Wow. Yeah. So I go get the book. I literally read the first four pages and no exaggeration. I throw the book across the room.

Rage. Why? Well, I didn't know exactly why. But I went online. Is Eckhart Tolle insane? And of course, he's like the one person you can't find any evidence. Right. I've been saying, my buddy Rhett, I called him.

I got his voicemail. I said, Joe, bro. Do you know anything about this motherfuckering Eckhart Tolle? Like, is he supposed to be insane? And for a week, I wouldn't touch that. I never left that zone. I read the first four pages that book. And I go, oh, it's another guy claiming to have another otherworldly experience that I'll never have.

And now he's going to share the truth with me that only he received from the heavens. It's fucking religion. It's the same old fucking thing. And I never went back and I never called a friend. Oh, that's. But now you can. Isn't he sitting on a bench somewhere and he has a huge reveling you a copy of the book? I'm like, oh, this guy's a profit.

And another guy who receives some metaphysical signal. You do that here all the time. Tell me. You're not on a bench. You're not saying it came to you via the clouds. But you are on here talking about your experience and lessons you've learned through your experience and not everyone else has had. Right. True.

That we hope people will hear and take and live by. Great point. My delineation is his was otherworldly. You're right. You're dead right. And this dumb little distinction I'm making is his was otherworldly. But to some people, yours is otherworldly. They're like, I don't know what that's like.

I don't know what those experiences are like. Very fair criticism, Monica. I'm just saying. It is an really interesting take. And that's a good point. No, I know. I know. Well, for me.

Yeah. Okay. You got there. As crazy as I was in Am, after a week I was like, bro, you're going to throw a book across the room. You need to read that book. I literally threw it, by the way. So I was like, why is that making you so...

What trigger doing? Well, this is what I realized later. But then I started reading the book again, and I realized very quickly what triggered me was. Everything he said was the truth. And that meant everything I was doing was wrong. and I don't like that. Yeah. I still don't like that.

But it was painful. It was just too much. Why did I throw the book? Because the higher me knew in that moment that reading that book meant my life would change forever. You were going to have to change. It didn't want it.

And it was going to be uncomfortable and you're going to have to grow. Yeah, because I think on some level we all understand that being fully, truly exposed to the truth, things are going to change. And that sickness in us, that thing in me as miserable,

as I was, is like, uh-uh, we don't want to change. Bad enough. Things like this. It's bad enough. I got to change. It's hard to change. It's scary. I think how terrifying it is to change needs to be given more prominence to understand why it is

difficult for people to do. I think that gets downplayed on a level because I like to talk in big language sometimes because I think these things are big and the feelings with them are big. And if we use small language, we kind of downplay it. But I think when we change, when we make a big language, change especially, you die and you are reborn because the you, the me that was drinking on that day did die. It's terrifying. Yeah. The terror is, well, then who am I? Exactly. The terror was, what am I going to do on Thanksgiving? What am I going to do on Christmas? How am I ever going to go on a day to get?

What's a vacation? What is a vacation? Yeah. What is a celebration? How am I going to last longer than one minute and the sack if I don't have three beers in me? I'll never fuck again, I guess. Bro, I never thought I'd do anything again. How am I going to watch football? Are any of my friends going to want to hang out with you? What am I going to do with my friends if they do hang out with me? It's your whole life at that point. Everything.

Because it has permeated, it has got its tentacles in every single thing. How am I going to go see a play without a flask in my pocket? All the things. How am I going to grieve? How am I going to mourn? How am I going to celebrate? Celebrate was huge for me. That was more of a trigger than almost anything.

I'd get a job when I was sober. What do we do? I go, I'm going to eat two pizzas. That became my, like, we're going to get fucked up. Yeah. It's going to be on pizza. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember going on vacation with my girlfriend, the first year of sobriety.

It had been going well. It was the first time I made it past three months and I was like coming up on a year or maybe I had a year. And we showed up in Mexico and I was like, oh no. I have not taken a vacation in 12 years. Wow. Where step one is, drop your bag in the room, go get a drink and then everything unfolds. Yep.

drop my bag and do what? Yeah. I wouldn't go home, I think. Yeah. What did you do? What did you do? I sat at the pool and stared at people so fucking judgmental. I'm like looking at this

one guy and he's just a slob and unkempt. And I was like, this motherfucker can control his drinking and I can't. This guy can drink by the pool. Like, I hated this guy. I just white knuckled it. The hotel, a fucking die-culled $12. But when we got into the room, they had given us like a fifth of tequila that they

brewed there. I'm like, of course, the fifth fucking free and a Diet Coke's 12. I was just like, I was going to explode. I couldn't get off that vacation quick enough. Now I love vacation. Boy, it took a minute. No, I can relate to that. So you read Power Now, it's probably my father was obsessed with Power Now.

That might be in the mix too for me. Okay. Okay. Yeah, he wore it for the last 12 years of his life. He had a little charm on his gold necklace that was now, the clock, the now clock. Yeah. He was obsessed with it. Wow. But you read that, how does that lead to then sobriety?

I read that over the course of like a month. month and a half, I would go down to McGorillick Park in Brooklyn every evening. I wasn't working at the time. I had plenty of time on my head. It was me and my dog, so we had plenty of time, go down when the sun was setting and just read part of the book, kind of watch the sun through the trees and sit and breathe and wasn't exactly meditating because I didn't know how, but just kind of being there and feeling the stillness. And then this dawning awareness of like, oh, this feels really good. Everything he's saying is true. Every part of my body is responding to what he's saying in a way that's like beyond my intellect, doing yoga on these days, eating better,

then have plans. I don't even want to go, go, drink three days. I can't even touch the book. I don't go to the park. I don't do yoga. I don't eat well. Over the course of a month and a half, again, so much of his book is about awareness being present so you can be aware. The awareness is dawning like, whoa, what happens when I drink is very shocking. It's like vibrating out beyond the drinking itself. It's really like kind of damaging everything. And now I can see it. And then I was walking an audition one day in the city and it felt like I got struck in the head with a lightning bolt. And again, this sounds comedic. I guess it is comedic, but just, oh, I have a drinking problem. Even though you had been sane to all your friends you're drunk. These are strange,

truths that we might only be able to understand. And how did you know to go to a meeting? My experience with that was a little bit different as well. It took me a long time, really. I mean, I went to a meeting early on, but it took me a long time to really understand even what the meetings were. With Eckhart and he was using teachings from the Bible of Jesus, had a relationship with Jesus, what he was, what I felt like he was when I was a kid that had gone away. And so my sobriety was really in that. The obsession was relieved instantly. And it was a God thing. Yeah, yeah. It was a spiritual thing. It was a Jesus thing. And then I went to meetings and I was confused. I didn't know if I was supposed to be there. Sure. I felt really guilty because I heard people

really struggling in the beginning. And I was a mess. And I had a ton of work to do and I'm still doing. Like I'm not saying mess. Stop taking the medicine. But I never wanted to drink again ever. after that. It was just like, boom. Were you into drugs as well or just drink? Take it or leave it. If it was there, I would do it. If it wasn't, I didn't care for the most part. So for me, it was God first, and then eventually program was like,

oh. I literally didn't understand what it was at first. I thought it was only for people who were scared they were going to drink. And then I'm like, well, then I'm not supposed to go. You know, eventually, I met some guys that were like, we're not thinking we're going to drink. It's a program for a living kind of. What are you doing? And they're like, we're crazy. And I was like, oh, I'm fucking crazy too.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Non-crazy people don't go over this route. I know. And then I got to see how beautiful it was. I actually think that entire program is perfect. It feels like divinely inspired. Those steps, I can't think of a better, more perfect expression of living a spiritual life, like keeping yourself good and strong and useful.

And it's so beautiful. Do you have a favorite step or couple? It was also interesting finally going and really understanding what the steps were. I didn't have a sponsor and worked the steps until I was seven or eight years sober. But I understood them long before then. But I was noticing just through my own experience looking back on the steps being like, wow, I did a lot of those things, not thoroughly, not perfectly, but spontaneously. Even without the program just after a month or two of sobriety, just thinking and being like, I need to call this person. and say, I'm really sorry. That wasn't the best version of me. I let you down. I can't imagine how

difficult that was and kind of naturally just wanting to do that, which to me is the greatest testimony to what the steps are that I could give, which is like there is something so deeply real about that process. Those steps are just an articulation of something that is deeper. Like it's coming from a deeper place and we're just going to name what it is and like how to do it. I think all of the steps rests upon the steps that come before. Obviously, the first one is that lightning bolt moment I had. But then for me, two and three were the most important ones I ever did, and they're kind of joined. That makes sense.

Given your ease in comfort with religion or Jesus, it explains too. That's hard for me. Yeah, yeah. So it makes sense that that part of that card story didn't bother you. And that was the thing I got hung up on. If anything ever took me out of the program, it was the higher power stuff, hard for me. Yeah. What is two and three?

Came to believe in a power greater than ourselves, turned our life and our will over to that power. Came to believe that we could be restored to sanity by a power grader ourselves, right? Yeah. Got it. Here's the thing, man. What you're saying right now, I understand completely and fully. I totally get it.

And like that always breaks my heart. Yeah. Because as a kid, that feeling that I have that I'm describing, I hated church. It was very confusing for me, even as a young person. and to like try and separate out the religion from what I felt like I was experiencing and or reading. Again, Varacious Reader. I love to read my Bible too. I didn't even grow up in a very religious household.

I just liked it. So hearing you say that and I understand there's a million reasons why and I've heard so many people say that, I totally get it. And then you wish like having sponsorsies of these, whatever. Like you want someone to have a kid and experience it. You just want it because you're like, it made it easier. Yeah. That's all. And then like trying to help other people and they don't even want to say any of those words.

and I get it and I don't need to. We don't need to talk like that. We just talk however we want to talk. But then you're like, boy, I wish I could give you even a taste of it, even if we called it something else because it will help you. Yes, yes, yes. Now, mind you, I do the things, right? Like every morning I do my first three steps.

I do the prayers and I do the 10th step. I do them all because they cost me nothing. And I'd rather do this thing than die drinking in the morning. You know, so it's like it's very easy for me to cooperate. But for me, the force. step is the thing I think that changed my life entirely. That to me, if there was a single step that they should teach in fucking elementary, it's this notion of making a list of all the people that you have resentments against. Why do you have resentments against them? What are they threatening?

Because in your mind, you don't see any pattern. But if you have to write out your four step and you look at that column, that third column, and you go, oh my God, all of my issues in life are being driven by three of my fears. It's not like I have 50 fears. It's like I hate Margaret and I hated my teacher. I hated my stepdad. It all threatens one of the same three things. Like my whole life is being governed by three things I'm afraid of. So I can either try to control seven billion people to act in accordance to not trigger those three fears or I can get to work on those three fears and be relieved of all this. That's absolutely proprietary novel, crazy special. Yeah. I don't know that there was many times in life. I was more terrified than when I went to do my fifth step.

So the fourth step is what Dax just explained. The fifth step is sharing it with another human being before God. It says, shaking like a leaf. What a vulnerable place to put oneself. Yeah. Getting to the part where I acknowledged all this stuff was my issue was hard, then telling someone about it wasn't terribly hard for me. But I know, and I've received many dudes fifth steps,

and I've seen the anxiety coming in. And I know the experience, which is just, oh, this person's not walking out of the room in horror over who I am. What a gift. I get the gift of it big time. Yeah. I'm not intrinsically flawed and terrible and unlovable. I'm just a dude who did all the same shit all of us other dudes did that got here.

Yeah, that's incredible. But you have to say it in order to feel it. Yeah. So saying it for the first time, that's horrifying. Yeah. Have you seen the drama of the new movie? No. Okay.

I'm obsessed with it. Zendaya, Robert Pattinson movie. Oh, okay, yeah. I think best not to know anything about it when you see it, but a secret is revealed, basically. The whole movie spirals based on that secret. And I just think about it all the time. Like, God, yeah, are there things that people just shouldn't ever know about you? Because we hear say the opposite.

It's like, just share it. People will say you're not that bad or I'm like you or whatever. But then I was like, oh, no, maybe there are some things that shouldn't be shared. I don't know. It's confusing. Well, I think you want to choose carefully who you're sharing what with. That's for sure. I mean, the fifth step isn't like an indiscriminate, like, let me just grab a guy off the street.

It's hopefully at that point the person who you trust the most, the person who's guided you to even get to that place. So it's a very kind of sacred, special, specific place. Yeah. Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare. I think the problem is often, and this is what you see with the tension in our country is like, we have this technology, which is I can see the kid in Wisconsin post a video that is totally fine in his town and should be fine in his town. And the dude in Miami who's making this joke, it's good there. Yeah.

But it's being seen by people from other cultures and other populations and other places. And there isn't some unifying. So no, in a program like this, yeah, there's no secret you shouldn't share because they've been through it. We speak the same language. And that's not to say that it's for everyone. And it's not to say that everything has to be for everyone. It's cool to find your group and have that trust among you. And it doesn't necessarily have to extend everybody.

100%. You can see even in the course of this conversation, the amount of seemingly weird things that either I or Dax have said where we're like, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's great. It's community. Yeah, if I'm telling my mother-in-law, like, no, I used to say I was a drunk. And then I had this one moment.

I was like, oh, jokes on me, you really are. I don't get it. You knew, but you didn't know. But if you've walked that. No, you can 100% know and not know. You feel it in your body when you say it. 100%. Yeah.

I'm imagining that plays into your upward trajectory professionally. Yes. It was almost immediate October 1st, 2013. That happens. The next three days, crazy. detox. And I was a binge drinker. So I'd gone days without drinking before. Suddenly it was different. The thing was different out of my body, three nights. Every night. Whoa. Yeah, yeah. The amount of water that was on Jersey water.

The amount of water that was on that bed. I'd wake up always perfectly in the middle of the night. Sasha's sleep next to me and my dog. Soke him wet, nightmares, lucid dream. I didn't even know if I was sleeping or not. You get that thing in your stomach where like, like, totally. Yeah. Where you're falling and then you're not falling. Like, I don't think my abs can activate that way other than detail. And also, what is it? So everywhere, wake up in the middle of the night, I'd put the blanket back on top so Sasha could go on that side.

I'd get on the other side, soak the other side of the bed to wake up in the morning. I'm not even sure if I ever even slept because the dreaming. Anyway, three days. That Friday, have an audition, starts the process of an audition, which I end up booking a pilot where they had like five male leads. They read me for four of the male leads. And I didn't book any of them, but I booked the fifth one. Oh, weird.

The one I hadn't read is the one. Yeah, that's so strange. It seemed like they just wanted me to be there, which was awesome for me. It was wild. I mean, the confirmation, and this is not why we do it. And I'm not saying this is going to happen for everybody. And this is just the way it worked out for me. And maybe that's what I needed at that time.

But within two or three weeks, all of a sudden, I'd gone from not working in a year and a half to book a pilot. Well, here's where I can touch higher power. As much as I have a hard time with it, I also weirdly believe you're not given things you can't handle yet. So to me, that's a product of that. Yes.

It's like your God knew. I going to give him this role a week ago. He had fucked the whole thing up. Dax, I lived by that. I believe that's true. Some people aren't that lucky. They do get put in those positions. We and Charlie Sheenot, you know.

Yeah. I think that all the time. I watched that documentary about him and I just saw it just seemed like he's like, oh, let me try acting. And then a year later, he's like one of the biggest movies. It's a cartoon. From someone like me and you watching that, I'm sure you felt to say. I watched it. I was like, oh no.

Yes, exactly. That's horrible. It is. It's a curse, really. Yeah. It is. Platoon and then Wall Street or whatever. Did he just kept coming?

You know, like, oh, he's dead. Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. Good luck. I used to think with the, like, Marlon Brando of it all, I just wonder if it's just so easy for you to do, if you understand it so intrinsically without any effort, then you're robbed of the appreciation of the discipline it took you to be good at it. Like if a basketball player could just walk on the floor and wherever they were, throw the ball up and it goes in the net, that basketball

player is never going to train a day in their life. And they're not going to have respect for the game because they can do a thing that no one else can do. And they're like, why is this a thing to be proud of? I think you see that with a lot of artists. They feel fraudulent because they didn't necessarily work as hard as someone else next to them did. And I think that does fuck people up. I think that's why a lot of comedians go into dramas because for Jim Carrey to be Jim Carrey is easy. As much as that's crazy.

Yeah. He knows how to do that. Which is wild. And I think he felt some guilt of like, I'm the highest paid actor in the world for eight years in a row. This thing I can just fucking do what you could wake me up in the middle of the night and say be funny right now. I can do it.

No problem. No prep. I mean, I don't know. I have no idea why. Yeah, yeah. But there is this insatiable desire for a lot of comedians work. To me, it seems like it comes very natural. to them that they got to go fucking grind to demonstrate that they deserve it.

Right. It's all a mental fuck. Like, great, if it's easy for you, let it be easy for you. I know. But it's hard because sometimes it's the struggle that gives the meaning context or gives you the context to find the meaning. Great. So I'm dangerously close to fucking you over for your next thing.

But I just need to know, this is untasked. I thought this was really interesting. So you did a interview magazine with my hero, Gary Oldman. Oh, wow. How cool. So rad. But in that interview, you guys were talking and you said that Ruffalo is super playful and silly and goofy on set to the degree that you finally had to ask him.

Yeah. I'm always so curious. I get to work with so many talented people and I always want to learn from them. And you always can. Somebody that'll always share and there'll always be something you can take away and try and get better. But like with Mark, I was like, wow. And this is an actor who I've admired for years and years and years.

And also I've started in theater. so I know Mark's theater actor in New York. So all these ways in which I really look up to him and then see him on set. And he's so generous. He's so kind and sweet and goofy. He's like a kid. He's playing and he's joking.

He's just so silly and it's sweet. And so I was like, man, because I can't be that way. Not when I'm doing something like tasks. I kind of want to just live in the energy of what we need to be doing. Like somewhere. It's not that literal. I'm not like method or anything.

It's just like let me live in that energy. but Mark, it didn't matter. And then he would do the scenes and they're amazing. So I was like, what is going on? I said, have you always been this way? And he goes, no, no, I used to be more like you. They're like, what do you mean? He's like, well, I used to be more intense.

He's like, because you're focusing. I was like, yeah, I don't know how to not focus. And that doesn't even come from any like, this is how I do it. It comes from like, I'm being paid to do a job and it's my responsibility to make sure I do my job for you. And so I know what I need to do to make sure I could do my job. job for you. That's all it is. But Mark was like, I've been doing this for so long. He's like at a certain point, if it wasn't going to be fun, I can't keep doing it. Apologies, Mr. Rufflawfulf. I'm paraphrasing you wrong. But basically, it needs to be fun. It needs to be enjoyable for me. Or it's unsustainable.

And it was also a relief because I'm definitely less held than I was 10 years ago. So to hear Mark say, no, I used to be like you. And then to see where he's at now, I was like, okay, okay, maybe this is just maturation. Maybe this is just years under your belt. Maybe this is just experience. And eventually you go looser and looser and looser. Wear it like a what, like a loose fitting garment. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So it's like, okay, well, then there's something to work towards this constant knowing that you've done the work that you need to do in a way that you can just be easy, be easy, be easy. I think you can only get that with so much practice. You can just walk in and be like, I just got it. Yeah. You learn that over time. You learn it over time and you build trust in yourself. And I definitely trust all those things a lot more, like I said, than I did 10 years ago.

I need two hours with you because I got to say the other thing. Okay, so I'm seeing you act and I'm like, this dude, there is a tenderness to you that is so attractive and appealing. It's just so beautiful. I mean, within five seconds of meeting your character, I'm like, yeah, I want to help this dude figure out whatever needs figuring out. He's like a good boy. Complex character. Yeah, like your heart was just so exposed in it. Third thing was, this guy's fucking body's awesome. I then did 10 minutes. He just says with male body. I did 10 minutes to my wife on the body. I go, okay, so this guy. You, bro, look at you. I want to give you the ultimate compliment because this is what I thought. I'm like, this guy's real. And this real dude doesn't go to the gym for an hour a day,

but he has this body. And I go, he's one of these dudes I knew in junior high that was just like for no reason genetically. just fucking jacked. And you have those kids in your schools. Like, you're in gym class. Everyone's getting undressed. Yeah. You're like, what does this guy lift all day long? It's just natural six pack and fucking pecks. And I'm like, that's what this guy is. He's just one of these fucking stallions. I love you, brother. I'm not. I'm not. Yeah, you know, it always is a little distracting to me sometimes when bodies are a little too perfect where you're like, this guy's doing this life and you look like you're- But you're slinging trash cans. I mean, we do it. No, he's active. And also, growing up in Jersey, we're very similar to the boys from Philly and Pennsylvania.

Like, we all lifted away. Almost everybody lived here. And he was going to bench in their garage. I had a bench in my garage since I was 12 years old. And guess what? If you don't have a bench in your garage, you're doing push-ups, you're doing pull-ups, which is really what I did for Robbie, because it's like, he's just bang him out when he can't pop some push-ups while he's on lunch or prison workout. You just kind of can't get away for it. No, normal life. Exactly. Get up against the couch, hit some dips. He doesn't have a personal trainer. No.

You know, he should look like he had a personal trainer. Tom, I'm so glad we got to me. I know. This was great. I can't pour enough praise on you on task. This happens to me like once every five years. I can name the people, you know, or it's just like, I don't know the person.

And I'm just like, what? What is this? What? Yeah. It's so fun when that happens. It happens once in a while. For me, the last couple years, I say you and Timmy Shalema are just like, what? Wow.

Well, I'm in good. company there i'll take it i get up to goggins guggins is blown my fucking mind too he's awesome he's a monster that little boy in the new game of throne show well you just love how good is that show it's so much it's so good do you watch it i'm only two episodes in but i love it it's better and better and better it's so good but delightful to finally meet you i hope you get all the love and awards that you so rightly deserve for task what are you working on now i'm about to go to new york do a movie with Apple, this really cool, like, action, sci-fi.

Very different vibe from task. Well, I have one last question. I would be regretful I didn't ask when you left. We're both in a similar situation, which is we have partners who are way more famous than us. Yeah. Oh, yeah. I'm good with it. And it seems you are, too.

I love it. First of all, so badass, so impressive what she's been able to do, it's like, girl, go get them. It's so awesome. And secondly, I would not want that. Yeah. Truly, truly. Like, I'm so grateful if I get to keep being an actor, get to keep making enough money,

get to keep having access to good scripts and just fly right under that radar. Ah, I'd be thrilled. That is a serious thing that they both experience. Like, getting to see it up close, Kaylee's kind of like naturally magnanimous. She can live that fully 24-7 in a way without it being a strain because it's not a lie.

It's just part of who she is. Whereas, like I said before, like I need to retreat to regroup and all that stuff. And I don't think that would be good. Are you getting now because of the nature of this that when you're speaking sometimes somebody whips their head because your voice is what's doing it too? The fun is when I had was being at my daughter's school. They had like a kickoff for the new year and then a little field day and there's an hamburger

cart thing. And I stepped up to get my hamburger and I said, oh, could I get it without a bun to this like 14 year old girl? And she goes, yeah. And I go, okay, thanks. And she goes, wait, you're not on. armchair anonymous, are you? Like, never see me, never seen anything I've been in it.

Like, I know I'm an actor. But yeah, 14-year-old kids. That's a little different that a lot of kids like. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I thought she was just misnaming this show. No, no, it is real. It's like listeners tell crazy stories. And so she somehow is a 14-year-old girl at this school loves that show.

And that one, the most trip, me. I was like, oh, that's so rad. This, like, young girl doesn't even know I'm an actor. That's so sweet. Anything like that, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that was great. Well, you're a delight, and I really do hope we can double date or something.

Yeah, brother, I would love that. Yeah, you're a good boy, I can tell. But you used to be a bad boy, so that's my favorite kind of boy. All right, good luck with everything. Love you, bro. He is an armchair expert, but he makes mistakes all the time. Thank God Monica's here. She's got to let him have the facts.

Hello. Hello. We're at an event? I went to an event last night. Oh, let's see you have a makeup on today. Oh, I'm, yeah, and I'm going to one after our recording, so I had to put a little bit of a God. You're book ending all this with events?

I know, and I am. And I'm also dying. Like, I don't, something's wrong with me. I just made a doctor's appointment. I, like, bit the bullet. I was like, I got to, I, what's going on? Why are these lingering for so long? They shouldn't be lingering.

But it's lingering for everyone just to make you feel safe. Like, again, I had it for three and a half weeks. But me too. And then it went away and then it came back and then it went away again. And then it came back. It's like, it's just in me. Like I know. And I hate, like, I didn't used to care about antibiotics, but now that I live in L.A.

It's like, I'm like afraid of them. I'm on antibiotics. You are? In my eyeball. Oh, no. It doesn't red. Yeah, I have a horrible sty. Oh, no.

Did you put a hot compress? I did. I'm doing, and I, everyone's telling me to do. Sorry. It's just so funny when you, there's certain things, right? You say it and then every, it's like almost like when someone falls, you say, are you okay? Oh, I have a thing, hot compress, you know, there's a few, there's a handful of things. Yeah. Yeah.

And I'm being heavily monitored. I'm in live with three ladies. Sorry. Oh, no, no, no. I'm not mad at you. Be up your butt. Oh, no, no, I'm not mad at you. I'm laughing at the frequency. I get it. Everyone would naturally want to just help me.

Never wants to make you feel better. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that's a way to help. It's just funny. Each girl that walks through the room, like, have you done a hot cup? Yeah. It's really funny.

They want you to do a hot copper. And then you said it right away. And I was like, this is just crack me up. It'll go in its own, don't worry. Without that. No, no. See, this is why you eat all these women around.

Yeah, so it was just all men, they'd be like, throw a rock at it. Oh. It makes me feel better that you're on antibiotics. Like, yeah, maybe I just carpet bomb this system. Let's get rid of it. of it. It's like it's in there and it keeps coming back. It's like clear. It's just kind of dormant and like ready to pop. It isn't nice though. It's like a nice way to get a dose of gratitude and go like,

oh, this is what people would like chronic pain. Like, you know, just sometimes to experience like, oh yeah, if you don't feel well for weeks on end, it's really, it really permeates everything you're doing and thinking about. But yeah, I started feeling it. Again, I love relearning the same lessons just over and over again. But, you know, I was in Nashville, slept like a little baby to the point where I didn't even wake up to pee like five of the nights. And I was like, this is crazy. I thought I always have to wake up for pee, for pee-pee. And then virtually the second I got home and we had this crazy week, this my sleep just went to shit.

And I was going to get a ton of caffeine in Nashville, so I'm on vacation. And I was like, oh, yeah, it's all stress. And then, yeah, a sty. And Kristen gets styes before she goes to work. Do you ever get them? I've never had one. They are so stress-related. It's crazy.

Like, it's shocking how immediate and directed it is to stress. What's your stress thing? Will you get a rash or anal-warks or? Well, I know. I just always have that. Yeah, whether I'm stressed or not. I don't think I present physically. with your stress symptoms.

Like sometimes when I, you know, I'll think like, oh, with my face, like if I'm like breaking out or something, like, oh, maybe it's stress. But I don't think it is. You don't think it is. Mm-mm. Yeah. I just think it's just like I get like anxious and depressed. Yeah.

But I don't think I get physical symptoms. But like even, I'm saying this as a rational person, even walk me through the mechanism of how being stress is going to give me a small infection on the inside of my eyelid. Like it doesn't even, I don't even understand. understand how it could make sense. Other than it's just over and over again, I see this as a result of something. Body keeps the score, they say. Body.

Okay, I can't do it. We need Ricky Glassman. Oh, BKTS. BK. I'm pretty good. Sounds like K-Up band. Not as good as Ricky. Okay, so I've been having real for the first time ever FOMO about Coachella, which I've never

had. Yeah. But I keep watching this clip of Bieber. and I like wish I was there so bad. Wow. And then I'm so stupid. I didn't know it's two weekends in a row. You learned a lot yesterday.

We had a guest on Easter egg who performed at Coachella and we'll be performing again next weekend. And I didn't want to ask that guest if Beaver was going to perform again. Does he perform again? You're supposed to, it's supposed to be the same line. It's the same thing? It's supposed to be. But I mean, I don't know. Do you know the moment I'm talking about?

He's like, I think it starts the end. He's down. He's like there's a camera and they start playing. It sounds like a little bit of a remix of one of his old songs. But it's from, you know, he did this mashup of his YouTube stuff. And they play it, right? Yeah, he's like singing along to little him. Right, right.

I'm presuming there was some visual component to it as well. Yeah. He's playing again the second weekend. Oh. Yeah, I think it's the same. And the strokes are right before him. Is it Saturday night? Are you going to go?

Saturday. He plays at 11.25 p.m. Oh, perfect. Because I was just thinking Molly's birthday party. I can't go. But now you might go. I was a call to make. I want to find out if someone fancy like is zipping in last minute that I can tag along with. I mean, I might call in a lot of favors for this. I do think this one, it's like back. Like Coachella feels like it like kind of was eh for a minute. I shouldn't say that. I don't care about Coachella. So I'm only like on the periphery. Yeah, yeah. But I think. Do you have the thoughts I had that I expressed yesterday, which is like when I'm

seeing the photos from people at Coachella. I'm like, I don't have the outfits for Coachella. Like you, everyone's looking like. They have a vibe. And even our, our guest said, um, wardrobe. Something, it was a phrase about taking pictures of your wardrobe. Oh, she just said like outfit picks. But there was another word.

I think she did. I don't want to get logged down at what I do or don't know. I guess you're proving the point I'm trying to make anyways, which is like, I do look at those pictures and I'm like, I don't know if I have any business being. A lot of people are in like bikini, like very high fashion bikinis. You just don't have to wear that and just go. You do what you want to do. But you can still see the music if you want.

I'm not a music. Consumer. No, what's it called? Music festival goer. Yeah. That's not for people. Too many people, right? So many people.

Crowds. And then I'm like, I can't see. People are taller than me. It's dusty. Although I did have that incredible experience at Bonarue. when we were sent there to promote hit and run. Because it's just rolling grassy green fields. And it was just like ideal weather, green, no dust.

That's nice. Really spread out. So you didn't feel very crowded, even though presumably there are a bazillion people there. There's one in Napa that I might go to because I like Napa. Yeah, bottle rock. That's what Molly goes. Molly loves it.

And Erica goes sometimes with Molly. You should go to that with them. Yeah, because then I just won't go. to the music and I'll just go shopping. No, no, you go there and drink wine and stroll around and stuff and just whatever way the crowds move and you just move the other way. I think I'd rather just go to Napa a different time. Okay.

Yeah. You know? Speaking of Napa, I keep reading. You know, the wine industry is like collapsed. I know. Well, it's collapsing, yeah. Yeah, I shouldn't say past tense, but it's in a real rough stage. I know.

I need to, I like, I got to get there. I got to help out. I'm not doing my part. What I'm proposing to you is that you might want to attend. one of these auctions and buy a winery as a distressed asset because they're auctioning off these wineries that were worth go billions of dollars. They've also just been trashing tons of yields. Right.

It's really depressing. I know because it's so beautiful. But then the pig in me was like, should I try to buy a big chunk of land and a fire sale? In Napa, yes. Because I want to stay there. Because you want to go. Yeah. Okay.

Of course. Just pull our money and buy an armchair winery. Yeah. Arm cherry. Oh my God. Arm cherry and we have notes of cherry in there. No. Listen.

That is Sim that you brought that up because I went to an auction last night. That was at your event that you? Yes. That was the event. I went to Friend of the Pod, beautiful, lovely, wonderful friend of the pod and Friend of Life, Lake Bell. Oh, how was that? It was hosting it.

It was so fun. It was so cool. So it was for Red, the Charity Red. Remember? Okay. Red used to be like all the rage. Sure. It was every.

We were talking about this. Like, millennials knew about the charity Red. It's like maybe the only charity we knew about. The branding was. It was. Exactly. You could only get this product in Red. Yes.

My Nana was Red. It was genius. Yeah. It was genius. Anyway. And they did a lot. They've done a lot of really great work. But unfortunately, and so I shouldn't be making fun of AIDS all the time on here.

It's like it's like on its way back. What? Yeah. But we have all this treatment for it. I know. Well, globally it's on its way back. Yeah. But here, but yeah, there's treatments.

But that's kind of why it's like people aren't like as concerned. But then there's a vaccine. Oh, there is now. Yes. Yes. By the way, that brings up measles. There's like 200 kids now have passed from fucking measles. Fuck, they've died.

Yes. Totally preventable fucking drives me nuts. Yeah. So that's sort of their new. What do you think there's side effects for the measles vaks? Go find me 200 people that have died from the measles vax over the last 25 years. You can't do it. I know, exactly.

So, but yeah, there's holdups for the vaccine right now. But it's like that. So that's kind of their push. That's their push is like, we can end this. It's not like we can slow it down or like treat symptoms. Like, no, it can be done. Yes. So, which is very, very cool.

But anyway, so I went to this auction. And it was really cool because, so I guess Lake has been doing this for like 20 years and her mom started it. And she does it at like different charities, four different charities. And it's called auction for nothing. Okay. And the way it was presented to me was like, last, oh my God, I'm so sorry. I know. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

It's part of you're cold. What if when you're at the doctor, you read just, what are your symptoms? I keep dropping a piece of metal on my computer. That work. It's weird. I just like have no motor control. Maybe I don't have any motor control. Oh my God. And I can't talk either. But is it falling off your finger or you're doodling with it. I'm playing with it. Okay. Okay. Okay. So it's kind of like measles. It is avoidable. It's a tiny bit big. Okay. So it was presented as like, you know, you bring some like kind of like non-item item and people auctioned for and it's super fun. Like she said, someone brought like a fake $100 bill from their purse. Someone brought a plane ticket to somewhere like old. But, you know, kind of nothing items.

It's just like a fun way to raise money. Okay. So people are bidding on shit that's junk. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like funky and fun. Hopefully it's a bit of a bit.

Yeah. So I was like, what should I bring? What should I bring? So I was like, oh, I know. I have a key card in my wallet from the fourth season's Beverly Hills. It's an 11-11 key card that I stayed in on my birthday. As we know, it's lucky. And I was like, this is a sacrifice.

But it doesn't say 11-11 on it. It does. It does? Yeah, because it's in its sleeve. Oh, okay. So it says it. It was written with a pen. Yeah.

And I was like, I felt like, wow, I'm. This is your party on something. That's important to me, but whatever. So you get there, you write your item on this card and you put its, like your estimated value. And I said estimated value $1,000, 100. I mean, yeah, 1,11. dollars. And anyway, put it in.

Great. It starts. And actually, who do you think? Who do you think? Who do you think made the first bid? You? Yeah. Did you get it back?

It was me. No, it wasn't for that. So she picks out of the hat, reads them all. So the first one was Naomi Scott, actually. Okay. And it was, she said she would curate for you. You give her a year. And she would curate, like, all the magazines of a magazine brand.

Oh, God. I took D. I don't know. But, and for that year. And I was like, oh. They collect all 12 issues of a magazine for you? Exactly. Like off eBay or something like that.

Okay. Okay. And I was like, oh, that's kind of fun. I like magazines. Yeah. I bid first. Yeah. Okay.

Got this auction going. Sure, sure. And then she threw, you know, she was like, I mean, it's really, like, it's fun for the ads. And then I remember got milk. Oh, sure. And I was like, oh, shit. I can, I can like, request. Get some of these old got milks.

And so then I, you know, I kept bidding and bidding. And I won. Oh, great. How much you spent on that? 400. Okay. Great start to the night. And then I was like, oh, I participated.

I'm done, you know. Yeah. No. You're not done. You're just getting started. Yeah. Okay. You were just getting started.

I do. I do not think I should go to auctions anymore. Oh, you got competitive? Yes. Okay, because boots. There were boots from a boot brand. Okay. From a fancy brand.

Okay, so there is real ones too. Yeah, okay. See, this is where things got tricky. Because then things started to get very, like, real. And then I was like, oh, no. How many people are at this function? And is it in a living room or, like, a big space? It wasn't at a huge space.

Was that an intimate space rented and like Hollywood? Cool space. Yeah, I started to panic because I was like, people are doing real things. And I put in a key card. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So. You're starting to panic. Yep.

And I was like, what do I do? Then I got competitive on the other end. Like, I want people to want my item. Of course. So she starts to read it, you know. And I was like, oh, my God. And I said, you know what? I'm going to throw in one night's stay.

You interrupted. Yep. Okay. Well, she read it and I was like, and I'm going to throw in one night's stay at the hotel. That felt like a really good pairing, you know. I can't guarantee it'll be room 11-11, but. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it went for $1,100.

Okay, great, great. Which is probably what it will kind of cost me to buy that room. Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. But it was really fun. Yeah. That does sound fun.

I want to share that I'm delighted about this because I finally kind of can truly relate. You keep hearing this term parisocial relationship and certainly intellectually understand what it means and what the definition is. Yeah. But I don't know that I've ever been able to relate to it. Okay. But I am finding myself in a crazy parasocial relationship. Yet I also know the person. So this is very.

Yes. These are the trickier ones. Yes. Mm-hmm. So it's Sedaris. So, like, you know, we've had him on. Yeah. I've gone for a walk with him.

Yeah, we've had him on many times. Yes, I get occasional postcards from him. And I've sent one or two. And so I have access to him. But it started with us listening, as I've said before, listening with the girls at night to Sederis audiobooks. Yeah. But now it's become that's what I listen to before bed, period. I don't listen to anything else anymore.

Yes. And I haven't for months. Yeah. And I'm re-listening to the same books over and over. over again. And I already know the stories and I love them just as much. And it's like, every eighth word he chooses, I get a ping of joy. And I'm so now immersed in his life. I think the whole parasycial part, the reason it's possible is it's not fictitious, right? So everything he's writing about is Hugh and his sisters and his dad. Exactly. Now you know, you know everything about

him, you think. Yes, I'm like, I'm so upset. I can't be at breakfast with he and A. me or out shopping with them or he has this friend who he goes on these weird day trips to different countries when he's in France with. And I'm like, I want so bad to be spending all of his time with him and hearing him compute the world. That is what it is. And his breakdown, I was just relistening to his breakdown of COVID and being in New York City and the BLM thing.

And just the way he's so. perfectly skewers kind of everybody, but also participates. But I have a question, okay? Do you, do, so you want to be with him? I want to spend a lot of time with him. I know. But. And I want to somehow be creative with him, too.

That's not really parisocial. Parassocial is like you feel. Yeah. Like you're like, I know him. Yeah. I feel way closer to him than he could possibly feel to me. Yeah. And you're like, oh my God.

like Amy would definitely do something like that. Oh yeah, I just think I would fit in perfectly with those two in my mind, of course. But do you think like, like you know their personality is like if someone out in the world did something, like that sounds like my buddy. I mean, I'm thinking about him many, many times throughout the day. Yeah. Every day for months. Yeah.

This is, yeah. Welcome to the club. Yeah. It's pretty fun, actually. I love it. And it's frustrating. I can also understand like when I hear people will say they have a parasycial relationship with you, it's like, yeah, I really feel it now.

I understand that. And it's frustrating. Yes. Because like I love him. You know, like I just love how his brain works. And I want to like be able to real time experience life with him. Yeah. He's so great.

Stay tuned for more armchair expert. If you dare. But you can see why in the podcast space, why it's extra, right? Yeah. Like this conversation we're having is so normal. We're not choosing. I mean, we are. We're making choices ultimately as to what people hear and don't hear.

But like, we're just talking off the cuff, me and you normal. Yeah. Yeah. And so if someone's listening to that, of course it tricks their brain. Like, they're here with us. And it's real time. Yeah. Yeah.

They know us. They know what we think. They can predict what you or I will respond to. Yeah. And like it's complicated. I understand how genuine it is. It's very genuine. Oh my God.

It's very genuine. It's not like sometimes I think sometimes you, you kind of frame it as like it's scary. Well, it can be. Not to me. I know how I feel about David. There's nothing he could be, he should be scared of. Okay. You are talking about you very specifically,

but parasycial relationships can get very slippery and scary. I mean, hello, Beth Stead was 100% that. That show is about parasycial relationships. Yeah, that's fair. And that is, and like what you're owed, what you're owed by the people you know. You're in a different position. But also, yeah, I don't think Cedaros owes me anything.

I think I owe him something. The hours of joy this man has given me is like crazy. I paid $13 for the book. It's kind of fucking bonkers. But like, okay, I currently am in a paris social relationship right now with Aaron and Sarah Foster. Oh, okay. I started listening to their podcast.

Yeah. And I, I listen. Part of it, yes, is when you're listening. Like, I listen at night. And like, so they're in your head before you're going to bed. And like, they're just in your, again, with podcasting specifically, they're in your world when you're doing like your intimate things. Yeah, yeah. And so, but like, you know, my best friend works with them every day to.

of my best friends work with them every day. Like it's this weird. It's kind of this weird. They're close enough. And like I was listening to an old episode. And I was like, Anna, can you ask Aaron? Oh, boy. Can you ask Aaron about this doctor thing she was talking about?

Because I think I need to go to the doctor. And I kind of am interested in trying this. And she talked about it on the pot. Can you ask her? Ana thinks this is all so weird and funny, right? Yeah, because Anna works, sits next to her all day long. Yeah, and she thinks it's weird when people have it with me. Well, I'll tell you what I have to do.

And I guess now we're really, we're in a zone that we could guide each other, which is I have to fight the urge. And I have successfully fought the urge to send him a voice memo almost every day to tell him how much I like this story or I like how he said this thing. And I just know better, right? I just know that even if he loves me to death, he can only really absorb so much of that thing. Exactly. And I am sure he feels like there is the literary hymn and there's the hymn. Yes. Again, that's why that's different.

I mean, it's stories about him, but they're crafted. They're, they're perfect. They're perfect. Yeah, they're not us doing this. Like, where then they walked down, we walked down the street and so much says something about Tonka and it's like, oh, fuck, yeah, I forgot I said that. He's not forgetting what he put in his books. Yeah, yeah.

It's on purpose. But I think you could send him a nice note. It takes all my restraint. Well, look, I've read what I know I need to do. And what's insane because I'm obsessed is I know they need to send them more postcards. Right. Yeah, but I'm not making the time to do that. And he gave this great speech that's in one of his books.

He gave a speech to some college. And he was basically telling them like, you know, write a letter. to your grandmother. Write a letter to, like, there's only advice for these graduates, basically. He's like, take the time to sit down and write so that your grandma can be sitting there and reading this thing and holding it. It's not a fucking text message and blah, blah, blah. That's nice.

And so I heard that. And I'm like, I can't even, if I'm, if I'm, if I'm, if I'm, if I'm, I'm, if I'm, I'm want to honor him, I already know what he thinks is disposable. Right. Anyways, it's also crazy. It's crazy. It's crazy. To have all these feelings about him because I actually know.

It's, okay, this isn't, and I don't mean for him, but there can be a don't meet your heroes, I mean, meet your heroes, but don't get so close in parosocial relationships, right? So because, like, you know, I'm like, well, I like, I'm like friends with, I'm like friends with Aaron and Sarah. I'm like, we're friends. Sure, sure, sure. And then I do laugh at myself because I take a step out. And I'm like, well, we actually for real could be friends. We have like so many people in common.

I could meet them. But I was like, oh no, that would ruin it. It would change. Okay, ruin is maybe not. Yeah, I don't know if that's the right word. Okay, because I, well, I experienced this with Elizabeth and Andy. I had a whole parasocial relationship with them for so long. Okay.

And now we're all very, very good friends. And I still love their podcast so much. I listen immediately. but it's not the same listening experience. Because you don't have the yearning to connect to it. You have the connection. So it's like the yearning has been taken away. Yeah.

And I like and then yeah, I will text and it's normal. Just like my friends text about our show, that doesn't feel parisocial. That just feels like. Yeah. So I wonder if the move is for me to protect this very special feeling I have every single night for an hour. Yeah.

I guess we never get to. And reserve that. But I've been having these feelings lately. And it's not that I'm looking for inspiration. I just find the thought of this inspiring, which is, like, we interviewed a journalist yesterday. Who's, like, so impressive. Yes.

And his mind is so wonderfully curious. And I've been having these thoughts lately of, like, I would like to put more time into figuring out how to collaborate, collaborate with people, whether it's writing or it's something. I just am like intrigued by the notion of, I haven't written with a human being since the groundlings, you know? Yeah. But I used to love that. It's like you.

And also, you're forced in there. So there was 15 of us in the company. And if I had my druthers, me and Josh Nathan would have written together every day because we had the exact same sense of humor. But you're right with everybody. Yeah. And so you're kind of forced to bring these radically different perspectives. And you sit in your apartment, your one-bedroom apartment, until you come up with a three-page sketch. Yeah.

And often you came up with really great stuff because you had to. Oh, yeah. And it was a really joyous experience that I long for. Yeah. I think you can find that. I also think you could. I mean, I don't know when I'm doing this, but this is what. Well, sure, whatever.

It can be something you want to do and try to do. But also, I think it's okay to admire from afar. Or not even a far, but like, just like, I love what that person does. I can let that be something I consume. Yeah. And I don't have to be like connected to it or a part of it or a part of them. Yeah, let's work through that. I mean, on the surface, I agree with you.

But I'm curious, like, I guess it's just natural if you enjoy something. You want to be close to it. Of course. Yeah. It's also because I think you actually, you're in a weird position where you have the ability to. Uh-huh. If I put a lot of energy into it. could do it for so long.

I wanted these collaborations with people. And, you know, I was like, oh, if only I can work with this person or this person. And I couldn't. Like, there was no way to do that. Yeah. And then do, and then not able to, I don't know. I think there is something freeing to just like, that person's, that person's just great. Yeah, I guess.

I don't know. The dangerous part could be, I want. to somehow work with them and I want to produce something with them. And I guess I want them to see me as worthy of that. Yes, of course. I certainly know I've zero money motives. So that's good. I can take that off the table.

It's not like I'm like, oh, we could have a best seller. I don't have them thinking like that. But you're worthy. I guess that's sort of how I, like, I think that's like you don't need anointment. You don't need somebody else to say like, you know what I want you. I know. You do. You hope they would love you.

You do. But I think you can get to a place where it doesn't really matter. Like if you find out they like you, it's like, oh my God, that's so flattering. But like, I'm there with other actors. Yeah. For sure. Yeah. Like certainly I'm flattered by that whole fast bender story if it even happened.

Yeah. That's so cool. But also that fast spender story would have in the past sent me. sent me into another sphere. And then I'm like, I have fear how to work with this guy. Just because he likes me doesn't mean he and I are going to be in a movie together or whatever. So that stuff has all gotten very neutralized in my life. Like, yes, I can just like someone.

And if they like me, that's great. But I don't, I'm not off to the races with all these fantasies. But of course, more and more. And I think maybe I was reminded by this journalist, we were, we were reminiscing about self-submitting stories to journals and publishers and just how demoralizing that is. and you have your little envelopes and your postcards you send with it so they can respond to you. And so I do think because that was my initial thing I wanted to always do. Yeah.

I have a reverie for writers. Yes. In a way that is probably reminiscent of like when I first started acting. I had this crazy reverie for actors. And then all the way around to your point, like maybe just keep in cherish that you don't need to infiltrate that. and then neutralize that too. Maybe just stay a fan. You can stay a fan.

Maybe it's like confidence or, which I know you have, but it's weird. I guess. Too much of. Well, you have a lot. Intermittent. And then you have none. Like it's weird. Yeah, yeah.

I guess we all have that pendulum. But I, um, oh. You just remind me something. But great, great, great. Something I've been meaning to bring up for three or four weeks. Okay. I feel like if someone comes up and tells us someone, I really respect, obviously,

comes up and says they love the podcast. I'm flattered. Yeah, yeah. But we're not, I'm not doing this for that at all. Like it's, which is maybe newish for me in the past 10 years of it. I don't feel like I need that approval from people I wanted respect from. To confirm for yourself whether it's good or bad or. I'm proud of it.

And I don't care. Like what other people say good or bad doesn't have much of an impact. Right. Because I feel very convicted in my feelings about this. So I guess that's sort of what I would hope. It feels a human being. Yeah. That you just like don't need that who we had the other day to like work with them so that you're like.

And I so I worked with them. they may so I must be good right it's like well yeah yeah I just want to live inside of one of his stories as much as I can and I feel like by being with him since the stories are about reality somehow I'd be able to live in one of the story um okay the thing you just remind me of because it was confidence and domains and we were talking about things identity markers that are important to me and the one I said that was troubling you as it should be was I said fighting oh and then I didn't it's always irked me since then that I didn't I didn't explain why. And I have figured out how to articulate why. And this is not a boo-hoo. I would hate for you to think

that this is a boo-hoo story. But I think if you grow up with an older brother that's significantly older than you, and you guys fight a lot, you have great fear of that violence. And then you have some stepdad's that are like really, really violent. And you're scared a lot of that. And then you go to junior high and you date an eighth grader now all the eighth graders want to kick your ass and just like older dudes wanting to kick your ass and then just floating through Aaron's neighborhood and the amount of violence like the amount of time in my early life that I was so terrified of men and of violence to come to a place through fighting where I don't have any of that fear I walk in the street any guy I see I not have no fear I'm not saying I can beat every guy up But I'm saying I have no fear. I've conquered that fear. And the fear was so all-consuming and so frequent. That it is like a total shackles I broke out of through finally forcing myself to stand up, fight back, do the thing.

Right. And overcoming it. So if there's been any one of these identity markers that has given me the most relief, funny enough, it's way more than driving fast. Right. It's way more than all these other goofy ones I have. Yeah. But it's the one that liberated me from this feeling I hated, which was fear. Yeah.

That makes sense. Yeah, I'm being scared. That makes total sense. I think I meant more like. And clearly, fighting is just bad. And it's not a way to define yourself. So I get all of that. But for me, I wanted you to understand why that's an important one for me.

It's like, yeah. Yeah. I think I, I think I know that about, I don't think you like it because it makes you scary. Like I, or I'm trying, like, I want to beat somebody up. Right. I don't think that. But I guess for me, when I look at the big picture, I'm like, the reason you were put in the position in the first place to be scared is because somebody else is violent because of somebody else who made them. It's like, to me, it's this like horrible cycle that makes kids afraid. And then they have to build that, you know, defense mechanism. And it's like, I would just want the whole thing to stop. For sure. And when you watch the Jack Reacher video of the guy pushing him off his motorcycle and him being the guy up, like it's just all obvious violence and all of it's bad. And all I'm seeing is, oh, yeah, that guy tried to make Jack Reacher terrified and tried to hurt him.

Yeah. And Jack was like, fuck this. Fuck this. Yeah. By the way, I like, defend yourself. I'm not, I don't think he did the wrong thing there. I'm just like, ugh. Like, I hate all this.

I hate that guy. who sucks. He hates. And that guy who came out is violent too. Like I guess that's my, like he started with violence. It was reciprocated with violence. This whole thing is just like, I just wish that wasn't like the case, you know. But I mean, it's also reality.

So whatever. But that's where I'm coming from when I say. Like I just wish that cycle would stop. But, you know. I agree. It's a terrible reality of life on planet Earth. So I'd rather be something that wasn't. a victim of it. Yeah. That makes sense. Yeah. And it's like when women take self-defense classes,

it's not because they like want to run in the street and start kicking everyone. Yeah, they want to not feel afraid. Yes, exactly. So I do, I 100% I get that. And of, and, um, Cecilina, the Brazilian Jigmsu champ, like if she tells me something I love about myself is I'm indomitable. Yeah. I love that. I do too. Yeah. I do too. Yeah. I guess just the whole thing makes me sad. It's like, yeah, it's, It's, it makes me sad that you have to do that because there are people in the world who rate people. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And that makes you have to do this thing, you know, whatever. But anyway, it makes total sense to me that that would be a.

And my algorithm, unfortunately, confirms my worldview that this is still essential. See, that's what's so funny. I don't have that. You don't have it. Right. So, like, I see so many videos of like just a random Joe at a bar doing nothing in some asshole. You know, I see so many of those videos. So for me, I'm also misled probably about the frequency, right?

Yeah. Okay, you want to do some facts? Yeah, let's do some facts for Tom. Oh, I really love Tom. Yeah. Yeah, he delivered. Okay, so state universities that don't have the words like state or university in them. Because remember, he went to Rutgers and we were like, oh, that's weird.

It doesn't say university. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. So is it private or public. but technically Rutgers is Rutgers the State University of New Jersey. Yeah, I read that. That's how we knew it was the State University of New Jersey. Right. But I, again, still, it's weird that it's Rutgers State University of.

Yeah. It's not Bellingham University of Georgia. Right. That's true. That's true. That's true. You know, it's not like McHashen, North Carolina State University. Yeah.

You're right. I'm not finding a lot of others. Yeah. It's all like College of New Jersey, College of Charleston, Sunni. Well, what's Duke? Duke is private. It's private. Okay.

Mm-hmm. And Tulane is private. I had brought that up, but that's private too. Only priv. Very private. Very, very, very, very, very proud. Okay, I looked up what's happening with when you're detoxing, when you have the stomach jolts. because he said, what is that?

The body's reacting to the sudden removal of substance it is as adapted to. Causing gastrointestinal distress, muscle spasms from electrolyte shifts or intense nerve adjustments. It's often a sign of toxin the body resulting in, yeah, cramps, gas, diarrhea, muscle spasms. I will say we talked about it in the episode,

the two most humbling moments in alcohol addiction, which I've talked to many people, Is that moment for me in the kitchen where I was like, oh, it's not a joke and I can't. I'm never going to quit. Yeah. That moment. But when you have violent DTs, you're like, could this really be happening? So, okay, I feel stressed about, not stress, but saying that because it's good because people need to have expectations.

But I'm like, I'm nervous that that's enough to have people just never stop. Like sometimes I think that. I'm like, oh my God. If I stop, like, will I? You have stopped. You've quit for a month here and there. I know, but like, what if I have that and then I can't handle it? And then I'm, I just don't want to see if it happens.

No, you're not, you're not even, I don't think you're anywhere close to having DTs. Scared. Well, anyway, don't let the DTs stop. They're really like, those were the facts. There were really no facts. I mean, there were those facts that I just gave. I'm not surprised. I doubt you were either to find out that he had had a very high.

status girlfriend. I'm not surprised. I obviously wanted to know who it was, but you know what? I respected his privacy and I didn't look it up. Yeah, this guy's a killer. He's so sexy. He's so nice. He's so sweet. He's just so sweet and engaged. Like he's he seems like a very nice boy. Oh yeah, they have like the X factor kind of attractiveness. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, he was lovely. Good pair. Good pair with. Yes. Dynamite. Um, okay, love you. Love you.