Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 1 - DAVE ATTELL & RUSS MENEVE

Episode Date: December 2, 2019

The premiere episode of Artie Lange’s Halfway house featuring his co-host Mike Bocchetti and comedians Dave Attell & Russ Meneve.   Presented by TheComicsGym.com. Sponsored by... MyBookie.ag - to go http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus BlueChew - go to BlueChew.com and use code Artie to try it for FREE!

All right, welcome to Artie Lange's Halfway House. This is a very exciting time. It's a long time coming, this show. It's a long time coming, this show. And I've been away for about eight months. I was in jail for two months. I was in rehab for three months. And I was in the craziest halfway house with some of the craziest motherfuckers who I all love. I mean, I love every one of them for about three and a half months. And the premise of this show

is going to be that, you know, we're going to have halfway house type people here. Some people I was actually in the halfway house with some people that belong in a halfway house. And one of those people that I do believe belongs in a halfway house, he's currently in a house in Staten Island with 10 depressed human beings. But he's also my co-host. He's going to be here every day, guys. Now, you asked for this. Fans of the Artie Lang Show and the Artie Quitter Podcast, this is one of your favorite people in the world. He's one of my favorite people in the entire world. He's going to be my co-host the entire time. And his name is, of course, the comedian, Staten Island's pride, Mike Boschetti. Thank you, Artie, first of all.

Mike is here. Mike, say hi. Hi. I feel like crying. Like, you read Lou Gehrig's speech. I feel like crying as well. Yeah, now we're going to show a two-hour documentary on who Lou Gehrig is. People know him.

Yankee fans definitely know him. Yeah, but no one born after 1930 knows. But let me tell you something. I love you. You know this? I want to tell you this. You're one of my favorite human beings on the planet. Thank you.

I love you as well. And the fact that you are my co-host means a lot to me. Thank you. And the fact that you are my co-host means a lot to me. Thank you. Because you know why? Your friends in life and in this business, like, people that help you that you can't help back are your real friends in this. People that, say that again?

Like, someone like yourself, right? Right. I can never repay you for this. Absolutely not. No. I doubt that'll ever happen. No, but like, no, I'm saying like what Norm did years ago when he helped me. Norm helped me out a lot. I came right out of jail.

I was in jail for a cocaine possession conviction and assault on a police officer in the mid-90s. And Norm put me in a movie like 10 minutes after I got out of jail. How did you meet him now? You just met him in California? Well, he saw me on Mad TV. Oh, nice. And he was doing a movie, Dirty Work, and he needed somebody to be in the movie. And he said, hey, how about this guy?

I had never met him before, so I screen tested. I auditioned for the film. Whoa. And then I promised him that I was off cocaine and I wasn't drinking and I could do the movie. Because we had to go to Toronto for two months. And then he said, that's great. This is the director, Bob Saget. And I met Saget.

So right after my audition, it's looking like I'm going to get the movie. And then we go to a pool hall in Hollywood. And I get drunk, and in front of Saget and Norm, I buy cocaine from three Mexicans. Oh, God. Which, you know, was, you know, so after that, I black out. They take me home back to my hotel at some point. I wake up, and I go, I just ruined my life.

And Norm called me up and said, hey, man, I love losers. So I think no one else was available. Was he a drinking man himself or no? I never, I, you know, I knew I've known Norm 20 years and I, I've never, I saw him drunk once in Phoenix. Well, it was ugly. That's not a lot, but he doesn't drink. No, he's not. People always think he's fucked up, but he's just like got that drawl, that Canadian drawl. And he's just a great man. And, and so what you're saying is the way Norm saved my life, I've saved yours several times. Several, more than once.

And there's no way you could pay me back. No, unless I become a multimillionaire. Well, try to pay me back right now because you're already having some physical issues. We're also on television. Yes, I love this. Well, YouTube. Everybody's on fucking YouTube. But so people can see us, you know that.

I love that. People love us. So your headphones are not on properly. No, I fouled them up. I had them perfect before the show started, like everything else in life. Well, just do me a favor. Just try to fix them because it's disconcerting. It's very simple.

That's it. That's it. Yes! That took you like an hour. One try, yeah. Before it took you like an hour. One try, yeah. Before it took you like an hour. Well, good. So I just want you to look your best.

I try my best. Now you have tattoos on your enormous forearms. Explain that to the audience. Because I want the audience to get to know you, Mike. Oh, thanks. We might have a new audience now. It might not be the... We could have some young millennials.

I doubt it highly. But what I'm saying... No, we will. People love you. All right. Well, I mean, people... You know, I had some Bruno Mars fans come out to my last stand-up. The millennials know you.

You're a king to them. I met Bruno Mars in a bathroom once. Great hand job. Is he an actor or a comic? Great hand job. I'm horrible with that kind of stuff. He's like a singer. Oh, okay.

He's neither. You don't know who Bruno Mars is? I mean, I don't follow the news either, but I know that. I mean, he's all over the place. He was on a halftime show. Is he more famous than Afrojack, the guy you used to talk about all the time? Afrojack? Who's that?

You mentioned him a while ago, a couple of years ago. Some guy like that. Oh, the guy who sang I Wanna Get High? Yeah, some guy. I was gonna go to work, but then I got high. Like a hundred grand for like scratching on the keyboard or some shit. I love that guy. Now, are you talking about DJ Tiesto?

Maybe. Yeah, yeah. Well, no. But again, we might have a new audience here. I love that guy. Now, are you talking about DJ Tiesto? Maybe. Yeah, yeah. Well, no. I want the... But again, we might have a new audience here. I think we will. That's very important. By the way, my guests today, they're a little late. We're waiting for them. Two of my best friends in the world, my two brothers.

On the first episode, we have David Tell and Russ Meneve. Oh, nice. I love those guys. Two of the funniest comedians ever and two of my best friends. They probably... They may not show up. But if they don't, we have each other. They'll be here. They love you. Tomorrow on the show, Lenny Dykstra. Oh, nice.

From the, you know. 86 Met. 86 Met and then a Philly. Philly for 91 and up. And now he's a felon. He was a Philly, now he's a felon. Well, things happen. He's a Philadelphia felon.

He's on the Philadelphia felonies. Yeah, but that's what. Yeah, but that's what Philadelphia felon. He's on the Philadelphia felonies. Yeah, but that's what... Yeah, but that's what pencil separations mean. He's on the Philadelphia felonies. Oh, no. I love that. Is he a big guy you can fight over? No, he's like a small guy.

He's a small guy. We did two podcasts with Lenny on my old podcast. And he's fucking amazing. Oh, did he come on the TV show or called in? No, not on the TV show. He was on my podcast after we did the TV show. Okay, because I thought he called in. My life goes in chapters.

But, yeah, so, yeah, he's a Philadelphia felon now. But an amazing baseball player. And he, you know, I was in the halfway house with a guy who had 18 felonies on his jacket or his record. And he was hard of hearing and he couldn't see right. I used to call him Felon Keller. How old was he? He was like 68.

And he's still like pushing 70 and still in the system. Still fucked up. Okay, so Lenny will be here tomorrow and Russ and Dave when they get here, my two brothers, they're going to sit down and liven it up. But Okay, so Lenny will be here tomorrow, and Russ and Dave, when they get here, my two brothers, they're going to sit down and liven it up. But Mike, because we have a new millennial crowd,

I want them to get to know you. Now, when we first sat down to do a test thing in the microphone, Mike was chewing gum. Now, Mike, take a piece of gum. Starbucks is the best. He bought a $15 stick of gum at Starbucks. So we sit down and do it to test the microphones,

and this is the first thing I hear. I'm an idiot for paying $18 for fucking gum. Well, that's one of the reasons. So go ahead. So we're going to test, and then I hear this in the mic. Go ahead. Do that a little louder into the microphone. I'm just crunching on it.

That sounds like Richard Simmons is eating a gerbil he covered in Vaseline. That's the most disgusting. I never... It burns, too. It sucks. It's burning. It's like a wasabi sauce. It sucks because it's burning. It's like I ate wasabi sauce.

It's so hot now. Now there's white shit on your mouth. You look like you just blew a guy. No, don't take it out. Don't take it out. It's so hot. Wait, put it back. Put another piece of gum on it.

Do you have it in still? Yeah. It looks like there's jizz all over your face. I know. How did that happen so quickly? You look like a clown. I am a clown. You look like a clown who just blew a midget or something.

Just chew a little bit more and talk. I think that... I sound like... I don't know. It sounds weird, but I love it, though. It sounds like you covered a mouse with mayonnaise and you're chewing on it. Are you okay? Yeah.

I'm going to swallow this. Wait a minute. I swallowed this. Because I, what do you call it? We've been on for five minutes and it's the funniest thing I've ever seen so far. There's jizz all over your face. Oh, fuck.

I can't even see it. The gum melted. How did the gum melt so quickly? It happens to fat guys. Do you know how to chew gum? Yeah, I can walk at the same time. It looks like you're gurgling jizz. By the way, our sponsors are happy right now.

So have you ever chewed gum before? Well, actually, in Catholic school, I learned not to because the nuns put the gum on my nose. They fucking glued it on me. They glued it on me for chewing it. Yeah, well, I remember that. Yeah. Yeah, but you wouldn't.

They must have beat the shit out of you in Catholic school. I started off life as a left-hander. Yeah. But they beat the left-hand out of me. That's not possible, Mike. No, they did. That's not medically possible. If you're a left-hander, you're a left-hander.

I'm a righty, and I tried to wipe my ass in jail once because I hurt my right arm. I tried to wipe my ass with my left hand, and I got my balance got... I fell off the toilet. I hit my cellmate. I was only six. I was trying to write like this, and then went... Why? You're not allowed to be lefty? They didn't want left-handed people for some reason.

What if she did that to CeCe Sabathia? We wouldn't have the Great Yankee now. I know, but she also... Wait, I don't understand. There's nothing in the Bible that says you can't be a lefty. No, but they had all kinds of nonsense. I think Moses was a lefty. He held a staff with his left hand. Yeah, but she also shot some kid with a rubber book strap a couple of times.

Well, they were just criminals. They were Nazis. The nuns were just awful human beings, let's face it. Yeah, but they kept people in line. That's the only thing. And if the nuns were hotter, these priests wouldn't be fucking kids. You know, if they could get some hot nuns, but what hot chick wants to be a nun?

There might be a few. If they could get some hot... Sally Field, well, she's a flying nun. Well, that was a movie, though. She was a flying nun. Google flying nun if you're under 80. 1966, I think. If you're under 80.

Yeah, well, she was... Of course all the nuns are hot in the movies. Is she still alive? Sally Field? Yeah You think you're going to outlive Sally Field? Maybe, I think she's If she's dead, that means you outlived her So I don't think that's possible So I'm saying, if there were hot nuns

Don't you think they wouldn't fuck as many boys? Of course Did a priest ever come on to you? No, I had a tough Irish priest where I lived. Yeah, but they were fucking everybody. No, but they were brutal, really brutal. Do you think you were a good-looking kid? They thought you were ugly or something?

I was a fat kid. I made sure I stayed fat around them. So you need a priest who's a chubby chaser to bang you. Oh, God. Foddermullin was his name. Foddermullin? Foddermullin. It sounds like a Cagney movie.

Fata Melvin? Oh, Mullen? M-U-L-L-E-N? Yeah. And what did he do? He beat the shit out of you, right? He would grab kids, right? Because one day...

Where? Here's what happened one day, by mistake. Now, this segment, by the way, is Getting to Know Mike. All right? So go ahead. We were watching a film with a crucifixion. And in those days, they had, like those days they had like a slight show, like beep, it hit, beep.

I was so tired I fell asleep during the thing. You fell asleep during the crucifixion? But it's in the film of it, right? Well, I mean, that's not, I mean, come on. What if Mary Magdalene had done it? Yeah, but listen to what happened. I woke up and I went like this. I went like this.

Clapping? Wow, there it is! Hey, Dave. You're interrupting one of the greatest stories of all time. Not really a great story. Mike Boschetti getting the shit kicked out of him by a nun in Catholic school. The great David Tell is here. Hi guys. What's up, Dave?

What an honor again to be on one of the first podcasts again. Are you saying I have a lot of reinventions of it? I like it. You're constantly breaking the mold and restarting it. Do you think that's it? But I'm excited for this one. What's this one called?

This one's called Artie Lang's Halfway House. Oh, okay. I like that. With Mike Boschetti. Yeah, the premise is a lot of the people in the halfway house, if I can get them as guests that I met in the halfway house. I like that. Yeah.

Yeah. Second chances. Yeah. So that's what I'm about. This is my 15th chance. Now, do you know Mike well? Do you know Mike Boisgetti? I really only met him several times through you,

and then I guess probably about 50 times in the 80s and 90s. Right. So, Mike, tell Dave, because Dave loves when people talk to him about his career. I first met Dave back, I first seen Dave back in 1993 at the Boston. Oh, okay. I was doing a comedy about a year. In Boston, the Boston Comedy Club. Boston Comedy

downtown. I was a new comic only, I should never even been auditioned that early on. Right. Dave went on, and I never seen anybody killed like that. Wow. See, Dave? Hey. I like Mike. How does that make you feel? Dave, you shook the house, you did a bitch about Amish people and said,

they're not going to find out. Whoa, easy. Today's climate. Yeah, he doesn't want to get me-too'd at this point. I don't want to get me-too'd. He's going to get me-jewed for that. But, Mike, I'll say this. I've always thought that you're due, and I think this is it. This is going to be it, and it's going to be good.

Now, Dave, going along with the reinvention thing, Dave has always asked me if we should do a tribute to my old phone numbers. Is that what you think? Yes. I was going to wait for Russ to come in. But, Artie, I think you probably have some kind of Guinness record on the number of numbers ever. How many numbers do you think you've had, Artie? In my life, probably at least like 80.

Well, 80. I mean, in the last couple. Well, you know, the premise is, and I'll tell you why, because I meet a lot of scumbag people in my life, like dealers and bookies. So the premise is, and also comics I don't want to talk about, but the premise is I get them out of my life if I change my number. It never really worked. I totally understand that.

But the numbers would change so frequently, almost within an hour, there's a new number. And a guy would go like, stop calling me. within an hour there's a new number. And a guy would go like, stop calling me. But the best part would be, I totally, he's not lying when he says that, the scumbags and the whatever, because I've seen him on the street give his number out to a homeless man who doesn't have a phone nor shoes. And I go, here's my number, just in case you need anything. Very, very kind.

There was that homeless guy in front of the cellar, in front of the comedy cellar. Which one? There's a cast of characters there now. I think like about two years ago that I gave the guy $100, and I said, go get me a pizza. Yes. And then if you come back, I'll give you another $100 if you bring the pizza. And then I left to go do whatever, and the guy delivered the pizza to the cellar. He said, I have a pizza for Arnie Lang.

Do you remember the black homeless guy? Am I being redundant? Kind of, yes. But I do remember the pizza incident because it sat on the steps in front of the seller for like an hour or two. Hey, what's up? Russ Medina's here.

Wow, this is like the Tonight Show in the 60s. Comes right in, pulls out a Fiji water, ready to go. Dean Martin, Bob Hope. Fiji's the best, Russ. Poland Springs sucks. Is that your secret water? That's what's keeping you going? Mike is surprisingly healthy.

What's up, buddy? Hey, how are you, man? Fiji's the best. Poland Springs sucks, big one. Now, when you guys walked in, it was a segment called Getting to Know Mike. Okay. Getting to Know Mike Again. And just put a piece of gum in your mouth.

When we were doing a test run on the microphones, this is what I hear. Mike was chewing gum. I love gum. And tell me if you've ever heard a sound like this. Okay. Let me. Fuck. And then watch what happens.

It's sort of a physical nightmare. Yeah, just chew the gum. The visual is better. You've got to see it. He's adorable. We're doing a test on the microphone, and I hear this guy. That's our theme song, by the way. But already, what brand of gum is that?

I've never seen that. Oh, Starbucks, David. Oh, whoa. So Mike Boschetti. I'm high-end now, Dave. One percenter. Mike Boschetti, who I believe is on social help, social services help. Yes.

Like a $15 stick of gum. I thought that was like a FEMA pack. How much is that pack? I mean, it's a Starbucks. It's got to be like 11 bucks. No, you know what? I just put it in with the coffee. I don't know how much you got paid for that.

And then look what happens now. It looks like he just blew somebody. Mike. Is that what you chew on your Peloton, Mike? How do you say that again, Mike? Russ, you would know. Peloton, Mike? How do you say that again, Russ? Peloton. Mike, do you do Peloton?

I don't even know what the hell it is. I thought it was a type of cheese. I didn't know it was a workout. This is where Russ comes in. See, you told me something. We did a gig a couple weeks ago at Governor's. And first of all, guys, thank you very much for doing this. It's very nice. I feel like it's my prom. And thank you for doing governors.

Yeah. He's good. I'm stacking money. So Peloton and Uber are companies. Explain, like, the business model. Like, they don't make any money. Yeah, everything's about investment. This is fascinating.

Yeah, it's just rounds of funding to get it going. Right. And they hemorrhage money. They operate with tremendous losses in the hopes that they'll grow and grow and grow and turn a profit eventually. So investment bankers think it's a cool thing to be in because of technology.

Well, they want to make money ultimately. So the premise is it's going to take forever for this to catch on? They're hoping not for it. They hope as soon as possible. But, I mean, so like the CEO. Like WeWork's a great example. Right, right. Well, that guy just got bought out, I saw, like, for, like, a trillion dollars a day.

I just got a job there. Is there a problem? Should I not bring my backpack in? Mike is at a place called We Don't Work. The thing is, all this money involved, guys. Is the Swiss involved in any of this? You know, the money launcher is pretty much... That's an excellent point.

That's an excellent point. No one talked about that in the impeachment. The Swiss involvement. But, you know, Amazon operated that way. So there are some success stories. But so the CEO of Uber supposedly is worth like a billion dollars. Like how is it? Like he just draws a salary from what they invest.

Like a guy invests in the company and then he'll just draw a salary from that money. He gets a salary for his job. Right. Which is astonishing numbers, I'm sure, right? Well, I don't know how much he's making, but it comes out of the expenses for the company. Wow. But he also has stock in the company.

But they can also write off the loss, right? Because they're a startup. Isn't that how it works with a lot of these companies? Well, the bankers can. But still, it's not profitable. So if you're an investor, you're getting nothing out of it. So 20,000 Ubers are in a two-block radius from her right now. Yeah, yeah.

And the company doesn't make any money. They lose money on every ride. Wow. Yep. Holy crap. And just for the hopes that they'll have more of the market share, or Uber will beat Lyft, or Lyft will beat Uber, and then they'll be on their way.

Ultimately, those two companies, they want to get to automated driving. If you eliminate the driver, the costs are going to come way down and they'll make money. First of all, there's been driverless cars forever. An 80-year-old Asian woman, that's a driverless car. I used to be a cab driver. An 80-year-old, that's basically a driverless car. So they've developed the technology already. But, I mean, again, Russ, I love you for arguing this.

I don't ever see driverless cars picking up people in Manhattan. I don't see... It's going to happen. The amount of shit... Yeah. Like, I get where you could go maybe on a rural road, like you take 80 out to, you know. But the amount of, like, improvisation that goes into driving in New York City. I used to drive a cab.

I mean, people... Like, Mike could be walking chewing gum. Yeah. There's a computer that's going to figure that out. Everything. I think it'll happen because... Well, let's get Mike's opinion on this. Machines are taking over everything. chewing gum. There's a computer that's going to figure that out. I think it'll happen because machines are taking over everything.

First of all, look at the toll booth on the Verrazano Bridge. There's no people in them anymore. It looks like fucking Star Trek. And I missed that interaction.

Is there... How do I get to Secaucus? Dib, dib, dib, dib. I had a friend that was a toll collector in the 80s on the turnpike and he used to do

lines of coke in between cars so like his head would be like that one and then he would okay it was me but no

he would literally so then he got fired eventually because you know he was taking the money I think machines are going to take us over I'm scared

but they could never do what you do Mike like there could never be a robot that builds a chew gum. Dave used to have a funny joke years ago. He was talking about automation. Robots are taking over all of our jobs.

He goes, I'll never invent a robot to do what I do. Getting drunk and fucking the waitress out. Let me explain where I was. Now you need an explanation for every joke. Let me explain where I was. Now you need an explanation for every joke. Let me explain where I was then. See, I think they can develop. That they can develop.

All I can say is if somebody said to you in 1988, if they tried to explain to you what your cell phone could do now, would you believe it? Absolutely. You're right. It's like black magic. It's like the GPS. Like the fact that some broad tells you to make a right in 20 feet and you're at wherever you're going.

Yeah. Like my old man died, fell off a roof in 85, became a quadriplegic. In 85, he never used an ATM machine, played a CD. So the technology has been, you know, I mean, I guess, but a driverless car, man, that's... It's happening now. It is. It's never going to happen. Never?

Never. I think it's never going to happen, especially in a... Could you imagine if you could get in a car here, there's no one, there's no supervision to some degree. What if you're in that car, right? Right. And all of a sudden you just start doing, you know, going to the bathroom. What does the car stop?

The car stops and like starts making a sound like, you know, we got a squirter or something and a driverless police car comes up. Well, that's what I mean

a driverless police car. I mean, why don't we all just stop living? Like, no one has to show up for anything. I'll go with the driverless car as long as the robot

has a either Caribbean or Mideastern accent. As long as he has a hairy ear with a microphone buried into it, planning the next attack. Yeah, but you know, it's going to happen. I agree with Russ because technology's going to fucking rule over us

eventually. It's so close now. I mean, they have it now in towns where it's a little complicated in cities like this, but they have it now. My point, okay, my point in the suburban or urban rural towns I get. But my point is, and again, I drove a cab in New York. Like a pregnant crackhead just darts out in front of you. And you've got to swerve. The car will stop.

No, the car will stop. The car will stop. I had a question for you. Well, because the pregnant crackhead's not going to stop. So how much money, because you were a cab driver when you actually could make money, because these guys are making nothing, and they're really, it's a sad scene. They're killing themselves. The guys with the medallions, which are worthless, by the way, they're killing themselves, and

it's very sad. And how much money could you make on a great night? I made up to 500 bucks a night driving a cab. I doubt you make anything like that now. And what year was that? I drove a cab from 93 to 95. Dude, that's like 1,000 a night. Yeah, 500 a night. 500 a cab. I doubt they make anything like that now. What year was that? I drove a cab from 93 to 95. That's like a thousand a night. 500 a night.

I'm saying like now, it's 800,000 a night. I was doing well. With a massive coke problem. Yeah. Because if you hustled, but yeah, the point is that the tragedy of a

cab driver now, what Dave just pointed out, is so true. These guys, some of these guys pay $800,000 for that medallion. I'll tell you what should have been done. You know what should have been done? It was a Ponzi scheme. If Uber wanted to come in and get that much of the market and come in and be established, those guys, the medallion should have been bought out by Uber. They had enough money.

But Bloomberg, I think, said no. Somebody said no to that, but that's the right idea. Why would he say no to that? I don't know. I think, said no. Somebody said no to that, but that's the right idea. Why would he say no to that? I don't know. I think he said yes to hail and frisk. Yeah, that's true. But that seems odd that he would say no to that. You're talking about destroying their lives.

Like Dave said, you almost get suicidal. These guys, like, they work for a long time. Sometimes people put up the cash for them. They buy the cab. Some of them own, you know, the cab itself, and they take a lot of pride in it. And there's nothing like an old-time cab driver. I mean, you don't even talk to these people.

In the old days when you got in a cab, you'd see the Yankee game last night. Where are you going? There's no interaction at all. And you know, they also, like, in Manhattan now, they're trying to, first they did the bikes, and now they're going to do these scooters where they just leave them around.

And I know, Mike, you're a big scooter guy. Dave, those bikes are pinning you down. He's a big Phil Rizzuto guy. That would be one of the scariest images I could ever imagine, Mike on a scooter. I'd rather see a driver, that's a driver with a scooter. No, but the bike is horrible. I tried to ride one, it sucks. You mean the bike, the invention of the bike?

Of the city bike. Have you guys seen the bike? You tried to get on a city bike. It's fucking sucked. Is there a video of that? Yeah, there is. I would love to see that. There is.

Did you try chewing this gum while you were doing it? You put your credit card in and you did the whole thing? My friend put the credit card in. You shot something? And my friend rode the bike. So really you did nothing? No, but we ate soup. I watched my friend rent a bike. We ate soup on the. No, but we ate... I watched my friend rent the bike.

We ate soup on the bike, and I spilt it by mistake all over me. Repeat what you just said. We ate soup on the bike, like lobster bisque. So you were on the back of the bike? No, no, no. We had two different bikes. Oh. And we were driving.

Who is this imaginary friend that doesn't eat soup? No, no, no. It's comedians on bikes. Is your girlfriend from Canada? No, no, no. Comedians on bikes eating soup? Yeah, yeah. Man, I've got to really keep up with what's going on here.

I think Paul Reiser's doing that. I want to do a show based on Jerry Seinfeld. And maybe, well, in the old days I could get more people for this. But Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians in Cards getting cocaine. Comedians in Cards getting cocaine. I think me and Greer. The shows would be very fast Well guys again These guys are my two brothers

Russ and Dave Very good to me Very good friends First of all just do this alone Oh come on To come in here But It's close to me now

I love it Visited me in rehab Which was very nice Now Let's talk about the last rehab, which was very nice. Let's talk about the last rehab because that was when Russ and I drove out there because we always have like a – that's like our moment. That's our once a year we hang out. Did you guys with teardrops in there, like dangerous guys like that or no? Well, this one was a little shocking.

Are you allowed to say where it was? Yeah, go ahead. What part of Jersey was that? Patterson. Patterson. Which is basically like South Central. It's like Camden. It was right by Planned Parenthood. Yeah, in the same building.

Planned Parenthood, really? It was a really skeevy block, and I think even when we visited, you said that a lot of guys bolt out of the program and they go by right out front. The gangs, literally the gangs will fight to get the corner directly across the street from the rehab. Because people, they call it AMA, against medical advice. They do it all the time. They leave the rehab and they literally go and get a bag. Two guys that I was there with left and died

that day. Really? Because of the fentanyl situation. Like the drug situation now, I mean, I've been doing drugs. The first time I got high was 1979. So I've been doing drugs for 40 years. Wow. And I've seen the evolution of, and I've been in the system before, probation, probation officers. I'm on this thing called drug court now, which is

just probation on steroids. I take eight pisses a week more guys see my dick now than any broad has ever seen they hover over you they call them the urinator they hover right over you they call it penis in cup you gotta drink a lot of water to piss that much though?

just like any other human being you urinate after you drink and also in other words you have to pee within two hours of them telling you you have to pee or you go to jail. Wow. They tell you exactly when to piss? They say you got to come in at 8 o'clock. Between 8 and 10, you got to pee.

Whoa. And if you don't pee by 10, you know, you're in trouble. It's really like they're in your life. So, you know, so these kids would say fuck it. A lot of them, it was the summertime when I was there, and these young guys would leave. So I've seen, like, weed, coke, crack, ecstasy, meth, heroin now, synthetic weed, you know, crystal meth.

Holy crap. Like that bath salt shit. And now they've spiced this K2, which is synthetic. You're the Mel Brooks of drugs. You've, generationally, you've ridden the highs and lows of all opiates and whatnot. Well, I'm saying, but there's been nothing, so you've got the crack, you know, heroin

back in the 40s and 70s, you've got the crack epidemic, meth and all that shit. The situation with heroin right now, it's not heroin anymore, it's just fentanyl stuff. Right. So people are literally, like feds who sees the shit are touching it. Just touching it and

ODing. It gets into their skin. Are you kidding? It's elephant tranquilizer. Yeah. That comes from China. And people, like I never thought I'd hear somebody say this before, but all these dope fiends, they can't do regular dope anymore. Like, heroin isn't good enough for them.

Yeah. Like, it has to be fentanyl. So what happens is, like, a dealer will come back with heroin, and they'll go, I can't use it. Like, you'll say, heroin's not fucking good enough. At that point, heroin is so awful the way it takes over your life. I can't imagine that not being a good enough high. Dilaudid morphine, nothing is like it. It's literally what they knock out elephants with.

Holy crap. So these kids go off it for a week. They go back to try the same dosage they used to have, and they die sniffing it. Well, I was just going to say about the rehab thing that Russ, who both has a lot of experience, both family and with friends like I do. Absolutely, yeah. Me too. And that this rehab to me I found was like a whole different experience.

It was a little jarring actually because it was a super lockdown rehab. Yeah. Like the past ones that I visited you in Connecticut where it was like, you know, where's your snowboard? You know, like that kind of like, you know, we're going to snowboard our way to sobriety. Wealthy people, these are

criminals. The same guys are in jail. And we got there early and it was the sad, like some of the saddest family ever. And then sitting in that one group room where there's kids running around and everything like that, it was like the visiting room in a prison, basically.

And I was like, this is really sad. That's a good point. I was locked down on a hospital floor with 80 guys who were all the same exact guys who were in prison and jail. But they have more freedom. So there's extortion going on. There's like, cigarettes and coffee are just absolutely like

gold in there. People, if you get caught with coffee, you're not supposed to have you go back to jail, sometimes for a year. Coffee? What qualifies as coffee that you can't have? They give you coffee in the morning and night. Extra coffee.

So people, like these donations come in, and some people somehow figure out a way to clip coffee. They'll bring it up, and they'll say, the guy in room 803 has coffee. And you'll go in, and they'll put it in your cup. And if you get caught doing that, you can go back and people will risk it for a cup of coffee. And then the young kids, again, I was 52 in there, but the black kids, I had a cellmate for a month and the black kids, I got to love the kid, but they're so fucking honest. Like just like a black

audience in standup. They're so insane. They just love honesty. So this one guard was giving me special, because he was a fan. So he pulls me out to eat at a special time. So this blackie goes, how come? You know who I was, obviously. He goes, how come you get to eat now? And he goes, he's a movie star. And the kid goes, he ugly as hell!

And, you know, so then I'm in a small area with the kid, and he's grilling me about my life. You a movie star? You know, they try to protect you, but, like, the trouble I got myself in, they can't. Yeah. I'm just, I'm in the system.

But seeing your mom and your sister there, who have been through a lot, you know, all the way through, and, you know, your mom is such an angel. I mean, honestly, she's telling us all the, you know, she was telling us that you would ask her to bring him boots and cigarettes and stuff like that to help out the other guys let me tell you my mother is

a classic my old man was a schemer he was addicted to the scam he was a low level criminal my father but like a real charming guy and he looked like a movie star I don't know where the fuck I came from but and my mom is like a good norc like girlfriend like like she's almost like a gangster's girlfriend she she does like a cup like that rehab in connecticut you're not allowed to have a

sandwich in the room my mother would smuggle a sandwich in the room and tell my sister to play chicky playing chicky is like an old norc term where you watch out for cops should we say to my sister she said play chicky while he eats the sandwich like like the enabling that goes on is like insane. But finally, finally, after all these years, and I got almost 10 months clean. God bless you, Artie. Thank you. It's going to be better and better.

But, you know, the shit that I put them through, and Dave always used to tell me, man, he goes, you got to try for your mom. Yeah. You know, I mean, because it's just, after a while, it's enough, you know. When you hate yourself so much, you got to do it for somebody else for another reason. Yeah. That's just what it is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I feel good.

I just, you know, I want to publicly say thank you to you two guys because you mean a lot to me. Same here, buddy. You're my two best friends. Oh, thanks. Sorry, Mike. All right, listen up. Artie Lang's Halfway House is brought to you by Blue Chew. Guys, let's talk about sex.

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paid. Whoa, he'll cover everything? Well, yeah. You're not a gamble, right? I like scratch-off lottery tickets. Well, is there a better endorsement than that? Mike Lake scratch-off lottery tickets. Go to mybookie.ag. No, I want to publicly say thank you to you two guys

because you mean a lot to me. You're my two best friends. Oh, thanks. Sorry, Mike. That's okay, Dave. Mike is my epic man who I plan on never talking to. He never goes to the card game at the house. He's going to be on my yacht.

Artie's very accurate with stuff because when we were on the TV show, do you remember the twins? Which ones? The two blonde twins. Oh, yeah, how are they doing? Actually, no, the Sklar brothers. No, you know what he told me? The Sklar brothers.

He told me, Dave, in Rush, he goes, the high-end girls with tons of money, they'll never be your friend to speak to you again once the show's done. Well, Mike would buy them gifts. These were gorgeous. They looked like they weren't the same species as Mike. I remember them now. They both look like Heather Lockley.

They were like Yankee girlfriends. They look like A-Rod and Jeter on a double date. Are you still in touch with them? No. They turned their back on me. They did. Coincidentally, they both married billionaires. Mike has not

heard from them. Mike would get them gifts. You bought them from them. Oh, that's sad. So Mike would get them gifts. Like, you bought them a watch. Well, it was Valentine's Day. Wait, hold on. Did you reach out? It was Valentine's Day.

Have you reached out? Valentine's Day. Have you reached out, though? Yeah, when the show ended like five years ago. He's in a reach-out program. I reached out to Marie. She got back to me like a few months later. So Mike cut it off eventually. Her lawyer got back to me and said, cease and desist.

She's in a driverless car, Mike. She can't talk. But the thing was, you got them a watch and they never wore the watch. This is what Audie said. He goes, Mike got them like a $15 swatch. Oh, yeah. He said to me, he goes, they're your friends now.

No, they were never your friends You're missing the whole premise They were colleagues Not even that They were making the best of a bad situation That's what pretty girls do in weird situations I mean, when Mike would eat, they would go, ew That's not a friend And what was their job anyhow?

That's what I want to know I don't know To say ew when he ate Well, the first thing, they came from Chicago from a very wealthy family that was like a Supreme Court judge yeah yeah really yeah and so so and they had a huge house in the Hamptons they had though like they had the life I was trying to get working right already what was your job title what was it scorecard girls I think they don't have I thought they were in the production side of it, correct?

Yeah, that's right. They fixed the computer system. They were the ones who would come in, can you sign this up? Do you want a water? And then I would never see that again. That was done. That was the exact title.

Mike would ask them, do you ever wear the watch I gave you? And I said, Mike, they're going to wear it the last day and they're going to look at it. Time to never talk to Mike again. And that's what happened. But I feel you were falling for them. You know what I mean? Well, how could you not fall for hot chicks?

Much like the white thing is falling out of your nose. No, but I'm not even a white guy next to them. That's how white white they are. What are you talking about? Oh, okay. You weren't being racist. You were talking about pigment. No, no, no. You should have Chicago'd it up. Take them out for a little deep dish.

Maybe a Bears game. No, no, no. You should have Chicago'd it up. Take them out for a little deep dish. Maybe a Bears game. No, but I'm saying Station in Life. They were like Pilgrim Viking. Way above you. Way above you, yeah. No, but Lukewise, too. They're like Pilgrim Viking. I'm not a white, white guy like that.

I mean, remember, I would drop them off sometimes at their Park Avenue apartment. Oh, yeah. Oh, shit. And they didn't let me come up to urinate. Really? So I pissed on a car outside. But no, they said, my aunt wouldn't want you in here I'm like I'm your fucking boss they would have to really hate their father

so much to even give you the time of day you'd have to be such a see daddy well I scored that way where women want to get back at their parents especially I think a couple of my last two fiances I think were just trying to get back at their parents would you ever muster it up and ask them out? Did you ever?

Well, they were super young. They were like 20-something years younger than me at least. Yeah, but you were clearly hitting on them. You would snuggle up to them and put your arm. They were hot chicks. I mean, what am I supposed to do? Did you ever say, hey, maybe some coffee this afternoon? That's their job.

Maybe some $20 gum down at Starbucks. And then they go, ew. No, but coffee date is the application's their job. Coffee date. That's how it starts. Maybe some $20 gum down at Starbucks. And then they go, ew. No, the coffee date is the application for the job. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, this could be the job where you, you know, because now I see, like, you're not really moved in yet. It's just kind of like an obulus on the wall here. We're going to dial it up. Dave, we were talking earlier.

We think we've got a fan base of a lot of millennials. Do you like my brother? Do you think so? Yeah, a lot of millennials will be listening. Because I do a lot of gluten stuff. I can't wait until you do, like, the studio audience gets to come in.

You know, like, those are my favorite. It's like one Vietnam vet, a teen mom, a guy who knows no known language. When I did Anthony Acuna's show, he had, like, the bleachers set up. Yes. Like, three peopleers set up. Yes. That was cool. Three people would show up. And yeah, like Dave says, they look like they just shot an episode of Storage Wars. You should invite the street team from Stand Up New York.

They're outside right now. Barking. They're out there. It's feeding time. There was a guy we met in Ohio. Hamburger Harry? There was a guy we met in Ohio that will be a great guest. Who's that?

That came to see you. How long ago was this? Back in 2006. How the fuck am I going to remember this? Let's track him down. He's in Ohio? A guy who came to see me 15 years ago? In Ohio?

In Ohio. It was a theater. Nick was there. You were there. I was there. And there was this guy. He called himself AJ or whatever I think he was

okay shut up about him okay I'm sorry he's I don't know where I don't know where he is that's funny he was actually a guy in the witness protection program

select guess he's a guy in a lie you know you don't feel like a successful comic if a guy in the witness protection program feels comfortable coming to see you

he was scary oh he's a real character he looked like like on Mad TV the ranger solo some people scary. He looked like, like on MADtv, the Rangers solo, some people in the Witness Protection Program were like on the show. I'll never find us here. Henry Hill was in the first one.

No, we hated Hill. Remember we were talking about how much we hated Hill. He looked like Steve Martin. Let's just stop talking about him. His name wasn't AJ. I called him AJ. That's fine. Scary guy. So what his name is. A lot of scary guys.

So what you think is a good idea, because I had a production meeting with Mike, and I said any guests, and he hasn't come up with any. So the first one you thought of was the guy from Cleveland 15 years ago? Yeah. But you have a great— Try to write these down, Mike. But you know what you do? You can go, meet me at the Applebee's because it's so close.

Meet me at the Apple... Pick a booth in the back. Yeah, but that was... Like, that was a great gig because it was weird. I don't even fucking remember. I remember kind of. It was Lorraine, Ohio.

I thought it was going to be in Cleveland itself. It was Lorraine, Ohio, which... Like an hour outside of Cleveland, like way in the woods over there. It's one of those gigs where you fly to Cleveland

and then someone in a Celica picks you up and drives you three hours into Ohio. Well, let me ask you, Artie, how's it going now? Because, you know, my whole thing with you through most of the, I guess you could say the rehabbing, was like, you got to get back out there. You got to go, you know, out to the cellar. I want to see you at the cellar and all that stuff. And I know you're doing stand-up now, and Russ and I, you know, we've been kind of following where you go. So how has it been going out on the road? How are the crowds?

How are you doing? I got to say, Russ has done a couple of gigs with me. Yeah. Great. My new manager, Colonel Tom, who I call him, is really good at what he does. And he's very organized. I needed this guy.

He's saving my life. But I've been, in the last two months, Baltimore, Providence, Rhode Island, Governors, Albany, Atlantic City, and Bridgeport, Connecticut. You know, they're all amazing, man. Like I just did Baltimore this weekend at Magoobies. That's a great club. My God, it's an amazing club. The way it's set up, like a theater.

You know, these fans are unbelievable, man. They keep coming back. And Artie's performance is much better. Yeah. Oh, my God. Rush killed you tonight at the West Side. Oh, thanks, man. So let him talk about my performance first.

No, no, I'm just kidding. He just interrupts the compliment. I mean, the JustGal host, Dave did great. He was a great guy. Oh, great. And I went on JustGal. He didn't finish about me. Sorry, I'm sorry.

No. No, I'm sorry. No. No, I'm curious because I was wondering if, like, you know, you have that hardcore fanatical fan base from years of radio. As do you, my friend. Well, but I'm just saying that now since the sobriety is in there, do you find new faces in the crowd or people come and go like, hey, I've also been sober. No, it's the same lunatics.

I'm struggling. Actually, no. I'm trying to build you up to the next level. Well, you made the point about crowds because how long have we been doing this? I've been doing it 32 years. Yeah, me too. So, I mean, Russ, what are you, probably 30 years? 25.

Yeah. So there's a collective, like, 1,000 years of stand-up in this room. Oh, my gosh. But you made the point, even, this was as long ago as 10 years ago, you made the point that, like, our fans got lives. Like, they got married with kids. Oh, yeah. So the same people that you're like, you want to go out,

they're like, no, we can't go out. Like, the comedian's going, you want to go out. And they go, we have children, we have a babysitter. Like, their lives evolved, which leads me into my question for you two guys, and this is a serious question. You know, look, we're working comedians. We live this life that is not a lot of people get

to live. It's really like a dream. We dream to doing this. We're in we're all 50 early 50s. I'm late. I'm late. I'm coming up. You're going to be 50, right? Next year. January, I believe. January. Hello, Ibiza trip.

Hello, four weeks in Italy. We should go back to Patterson. We should go to Lorain, Ohio. If I die, Dave will show up. Serious question. He's a little angry at me. We've lost touch. It's all cleared up. I know the drama.

By the way, am I the only guy now that stays up until like 4, 5, 6 in the morning? I call you guys. You guys are already like hours in bed. What's going on? I love that you're mad I'm not up at 4 in the morning. It's funny. His home premise. He has no problem with his premise. 5 in the morning. What's with you guys?

But that was our life. What kind of morning that you guys have? Well, I get up. Honestly, I get up. I got to go to probation four times. It really is. All the sets I've been doing at the cellar. I miss Dave because he is nocturnal. Yeah, I get late. And he does like a 12, 31 o'clock set. All the sets I've been doing at the Cellar, I miss Dave because he is nocturnal. Yeah, I like it late. And he does like a 12, 31 o'clock set.

All my sets at the Cellar lately are like I do 8 o'clock, 9 o'clock, and I got to go right home. What am I going to do? Stick around and talk to Sherrod? That's smart. That's smart. I love these guys, but still, there's weed all over the fucking place. You're saying nobody's up late anymore. Even Jessica.

I am the time, Dave. I'm up late. All right, Mike. Let me get your number before I leave the room. No, but that is true. I said when you talk to a tell, it's at 5 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, well, that's why I feel like we're all able to decompress and enjoy ourselves. Well, let's get you some farmers for friends.

Anybody out there milking. But they're going to work. That's what I'm saying. And I actually feel guilty because sometimes I feel Dave needs to talk to somebody. You know, I like to talk to someone at night. That's what I'm saying. And I actually feel guilty because sometimes I feel Dave needs to talk to somebody. You know, I like to talk to someone at night. That's how I do it. Well, that's the morning. I'm on my Peloton.

No, but I guess to you guys, that's great that you guys are grown up now. It's not great. You're not supposed to stay up all night. It's not great because I miss it. That's the life I like. It feels great being up all night, though. This is a good conversation to have because I miss it. That's the life I like. It feels great being at that. Well, I've been up all night, though. This is a good conversation to have because I really, first of all, I'm on phase one of this drug court I'm doing, which is like, again, almost every day.

Like, I had to go today. In the morning, I was an outpatient. Wow. The whole time. Then I come here. Then every night I have to call at 9 o'clock to see if I can call for a random urine test the next morning at 8 o'clock to see if I can call for a random urine test the next morning at 8 o'clock. Wow.

So the life we were leading as comics, talking at 5 in the morning, I would love to be fucking doing that. I love those conversations. Right. Actually, they're therapeutic for me. But, yeah, I pass out at 2 o'clock because I've got to get up if I miss it. No, I'm more than happy with that. I feel you're angry that I can't talk. Who is up at 5 a.m.?

No one's up at 5 a.m. Me. No one is. I'm one person. Even the people in L.A., which I used to call them as my backups. Someone's got to be up. It's only 1 o'clock there. They're even asleep now.

That's how old we are now. Steve's speaking Japanese. But you're not because you have stayed true to this lifestyle. My sad life that I've created, yes. Which brings me to my fucking question. Okay. Do you think you're a happy person, Dave? Whoa.

He hit the hard hit. He's got a lot of soft balls. Wow. I would say I can find my way to be miserable in any situation. I'm a cynic. I'm a cynic, but I... We talked about this a long time

ago of like, I never feel happy, but I always feel relieved. Like but I, the idea of, we talked about this a long time ago of like, I never feel happy, but I always feel relieved. Like, ah, that's over. Right. I feel the same way. I think that's most people's lives though. And now you can relax. But the actual like joy of the moment.

And when you see somebody who's like in the moment, it almost is frightening. Yeah. You know? Yeah. Yeah. Like, like they're actually enjoying what they're doing right there. Like, whoa, whoa, what's going on over here? This person's just laughing for no reason.

It's good to be in the middle, I think. Are you, do you think that darkness though? This person's just laughing for no reason. It's good to be in the middle, I think. Do you think that darkness, though, fuels your comedy? I don't know anymore. I really don't know what... I'd say right now what's driving my comedy are bills. You have driverless comedy? It's funny how you say it. I went out with Jeff and we did the Park Casino.

It was a lot of fun. It was definitely in our neighborhood. I mean, that's going amazing, right? Yeah. But that, that, that was fun.

But talk about like an older crowd. It's like, you know, you almost felt bad for the crowd because they're all like hobbled over. No, they're married there. You know, it's just like everybody,

everybody is like, we're all in the same thing. And, uh, you know, it's in a casino too. So there's other sad characters wandering around. I think people got online thinking it was the buffet for the merch.

You know, they're like, I'll take two eggs. A guy at my show recently had a colostomy bag. I mean, in the 60s. In the 60s. With a woman who I think looked like his colostomy bag. But I don't believe in, for me at least, that whole idea of, like, pure happiness. And I know it's really just a mindset, and it's not chemical. It's not whatever. It's just like who I am. I guess I'm just that kind of guy.

Russ, what do you think? One second. You brought up Jeff. Jeff Ross is a good open. He's a happy guy. Jeff loves his life. He does. He loves all the things I don't like. He likes to go to a party. He likes events. He gets out of his world.

He went to go see a play with the director, Andrew Jarecki. They went to go see a musical. I was like, that's really cool. You know, it's like, I would only do that under, like, duress if my mom, like, I got to take my mom out. It's like, I never go like, I want to. But he was out of Broadway. Pod heads are living another life of happiness. Oh, absolutely. By the way, everybody's on some kind of substance.

But no, Jeff really does enjoy his life. He hangs with his family. He's very good to his family. Every year we do this. He's the greatest guy. Ten cousins and two aunts. He's the greatest guy, and he's brilliant. I love Jeff.

He goes on vacations. I never vacation. I don't do any of that. Me neither. Me neither. What I'm saying is, I'm the same way. The thought of going to a musical with the director. That sounds like something you do do in...

Like Sinatra might do that with... Well, maybe not a musical, but... You know, you say, like, your whole point of doing what you dream of doing, maybe I'll have some fun. Maybe I'll enjoy life a little bit. And Jeff does that. He embraces it.

He's very cool that way. And my version of that is, when I was doing Crashing, and drugs had a lot to do with it, with Judd and Pete Holmes, like, when we were shooting, Judd would say to me and Pete, you want to go get lunch with with it, with Judd and Pete Holmes, like when we were shooting, Judd would say to me and Pete, you want to go get lunch with me and the other producers?

And Pete would always go, and I never went. Right. And I just went on my trailer and just, I never went. And, you know, Judd is this big producer who could help my career. I mean, I was on heroin. But Pete came to me once and said, God, you know, I'm so envious of the fact that even though Judd is such a big deal, you can just say no to going to lunch. I'm like, well, first of all, it's kind of like giving up and I'm a junkie.

I'm an active junkie. Second of all, yeah, I don't know what, I don't, like, that's not fun to me for some reason. You're miserable. I have this too. I have this. That's a work business thing. But I mean, just like with your bros.

Well, so, yeah. I think Russ is really good this way because he's been through a very traumatic family situation and he realizes that this is the moment and that you should, there's no such thing if you can do it down the road. You never know what's going to happen. He says it to me all the time. Yeah, well, let me throw this to Russ now. In a louder volume. Yeah.

I'm trying to be your advocate. Russ, you've known a lot of tragedy. I have, too. And I respect how tough of a guy you are but you say a lot of dark shit man and because i think you're brilliant obviously very underrated as a comment how wow are you are you at all even close to the neighborhood of what you'd call a happy person maybe you are a happy person no no no no but you're doing everything you always dreamed of doing yeah everything everything's good everything's great. You're great at what you do.

People love it. There's always a pot of misery on simmer at all times. And Dave hit on it. A lot of it is relief a lot of times that you do enjoy. And it's starting to be more of that than it is enjoying these things. Like vacation, going away just for vacation is difficult. Really? Dave, when was the last time a three-day period passed

where you didn't do stand-up comedy? Three days. I thought you were going to ask me. When was the last time you went to Rockefeller Center and I gave you? Just let yourself go. Dave, what's your favorite time? Dave, when you go to heaven, what do you want God to say?

When's the last time you went three days without doing a gig? I bet it's like 30 years. I'm sure it was like either I was in a place where I couldn't do it or I was sick. What was that place? I know when's like 30 years. I'm sure it was like either I was in a place where I couldn't do it or I was sick. Well, what was that place? I know when my dad died because of the Jewish faith, like for a week

you have to do the Kaddish morning. So you respected that? Yeah, yeah. But I did kind of yuck it up with the rabbi or not, the other minion.

No, it was something like that. But for me, the sad of it is now that I'm the oldest guy in the room and we always used to talk about being the oldest guy at the bar

and how like, you know, you don't want to sit next to that guy who's going to hit you with all these old stories. You're that guy now. Yeah that I'm the oldest guy in the room and we always used to talk about being the oldest guy at the bar and how like, you know, you don't want to sit next to that guy, he's going to hit you with all these old stories. We're that guy now. Yeah, I'm that guy, but it's the same way at the clubs now because it's like three or four generations are now of stand-up comics there. And like, you know, for the last, I'd say two generations, I've been a little bit more

distant because I was like, these people are mostly bloggers and podcasters, but they're comics. They're real comics. But like, the connection now is so far away. It's so different. And my relevance to not only them but the audience is so far away. But I'm at the point where I could give a shit because I could care less. That's the greatest thing is the not giving a shit. But I will say the one thing that is different in comedy

is the having fun offstage is not the same way it was. Not even close. But a lot of these kids are shut down. Nobody does. And you can see, like, they're nervous at the club or something like that. But it's something beyond that. They definitely have an agenda, but they also are, like, they just raise

differently in the world of comedy. I think that they feel more comfortable online expressing themselves than they do in a group of people. Which is the direct opposite of what you do in a comedy club. No, like, it used to be, like, you know, this guy, he stinks on stage, but he's a hoot to hang out with. You know, like, it was like, that guy, you'd love to hang with him. And now it's really just kind of like, everybody's kind of blah, you know.

It's like, you know, they don't really commit or put energy into it. And, like, the hang afterwards is like, pretty much it's the same old faces, you know. And there is no hang afterwards in a way because either someone's on probation or you know, again, the common, like if some of these kids... But how can that not help you get chicks now? I'm on probation. I can't hang out. Well, you saw the chicks, I guess. They were at the

waiting room. They're such like cheesy networkers. Our three personalities, we're definitely like anti-politician comics. Yes. I'm not saying it's a good thing either. It's good to have some of that. I think all three of us don't. And these people, these new ones all have intensely. You're almost like cheesed out.

No, no, absolutely. Immediately and talking to them. And you're like, I'm going home. And they think they're fooling you. Fake outrage is annoying bullshit really. Well, they think that, again, what Dave said too, the generation gap between someone, we're in our early 50s. The generation gap between us and someone who's 25 years old is bigger than Sinatra and Woodstock generation.

It's bigger because of technology, because of music, because of the melding of those two things, because of wokeness, peace, whatever the fuck you want to call it. I hate that word, woke. Well, I'm just saying, whatever. That's a new way to say politically correct now, I guess. But whatever the fuck that is, Dave's right. They don't end the antisocial thing that gets promoted from talking on a laptop and a phone all the time. You don't know how to interact with other human beings. Like the conversation at the comedy cellar, at that comedy cellar table, which is like a legendary sort of thing with comics. If some of these younger guys heard what people used to say at that table 20 years ago, they would be horrified.

But it used to be about jokes, but now it is about relevant issues and politics and all these different social, economic things. But I'm not saying that they're all dullards. I'm not saying either. I'm just saying it might be our problem, too. But I was going to also say this. There's a couple of trips. It might be our problem, too. But I was going to also say this, is that in my 50s, being a guy who's a club comic and at the club there all the time, you really do see that all the names that I knew are now either married, super successful,

where the only thing to get them on stage is a Netflix deal, where it's almost like Netflix is the bait to get these guys back into the comedy world. It's like they were totally fine doing a movie every other year and being a guest on a TV show or like an arc on a sitcom or something. And now the Netflix money is pulling all these guys back into the game. And I'm like, that's great for all of us, but it's also weird to see that they had a whole other life that now they

gotta go like, you know, I'm sorry, princess, I can't drive you to the spelling bee because daddy has to be a comic again. That kind of thing. It's like, I don't drive you to the spelling bee because daddy has to be a comic again. You know, like that kind of thing. It's like I don't have that problem. No, no. I mean, but again, you're very successful.

But, like, there's levels. Like, there's the Chappelle success. There's, like, I mean, Kevin Hart playing where the Eagles play football. He's doing stand-up. I don't know how you do a set-up there, 68,000 people. It's hard to hear what Metallica song is playing if you're the last guy in a stadium. And he's doing stand-up. Like, the levels are insane.

And you're right, with success comes... I always said this about the Kennedys. The reason the Kennedys all died was because they had money to do shit like play football while you're skiing. Or drive a plane. Now you can do dangerous shit. And so, yeah, maybe you're not going to do it Tuesday or Wednesday at the cellar. But what I'm trying to say is I think all of us, if we look back 30 years ago and saw what we've all done, I'd say, like, if you would have told me I would have had the career I've had, because the Stern thing was such a, like, I didn't even know that job could even come up.

You can't even dream about it. I would say, my God, if that was my career, I don't give a fuck about being in jail. I'd be starting parade. You'd have to slap the smile on my fucking face. And I am miserable. I'm miserable. If I answer that question, no, I'm not happy. So you're not happy. I'm not happy.

Because the thing about sobriety is that when you're using, you go, well, if I stop using and I'm clean, my life will be infinitely better. Right. And then you're thinking that you equate that with actual happiness. But that doesn't mean anything. I learned that myself years and years ago that being sober is really just about being in the moment.

Right. And if you're a miserable person, then you really feel it. Whereas on a substance, you won't feel it as much or it'll be delayed, but it's still there. It'll be artificial happiness. But I would say happiness is overrated. I would say that people quest it and they try and curb all the noise.

At the end of the day, to me, my happiness is like I'm able to do the things I have to do. I'm being responsible and I'm trying to do my job and not be a hack. And, like, trying to keep it going. But, Dave, see, that's the thing. Like, it would be impossible, like, for you to ever be a hack.

Yeah, that's not true. Just the way you think. You'd never be a hack. Oh, really? I'm saying. Uh-oh. I was using sound effects. It's only a matter of time until I actually have a guitar.

I'm saying. So you don't talk about this a lot, But you have been clean and sober for a long time Yeah a long time But you never went to AA, no therapy, no rehab I went to an AA meeting and they First of all knew who I was And second of all I really didn't understand the program That well, now I understand it a lot better

And I think it does a lot of good But at the end of the day if you're a loner Which is what I am And my problem wasn't the loneliness of being a loner. It was about, like, I kind of feel most comfortable alone. That being in a group of people did not—I didn't really need the support. I just kind of—and to be honest, like, I'm from a kind of family where, like, we're workers. And, like, you know, it's kind of like, you know, you don't have time for that.

Don't bring shame to the family. Those things were big in my head. I'm like, whatchamacallit, an immigrant, basically. It's like I got to do real things, you know? My old man, if I told him I was going to therapy, would smack—would punch me in my head. I'm like, whatchamacallit, an immigrant basically. It's like I gotta do real things. My old man, if I told him I was going to therapy, would smack, would punch me in the face. But what would he have said if he caught you using? Would he have thrown you a beating? Punch me in the face. Yeah, he would have, right?

No, I'm not even kidding. He would have knocked me the fuck out. He would have kicked you out of the house, right? When I got arrested for attempted bank robbery when I was 17 fucking around, I was in jail at 17. I was looking to go to Juvie Hall, get a record. And he came in the jail cell. The cop let him come in because he knew

the guy. And he said, you want to be a bank robber? He goes, you want to be a criminal? He goes, say yes. And he cocked his fist. He goes, say yes. And I'm going to fucking lay you out. And he would have laid me out. I said, no, I don't want to. He goes, I mean, yeah, that's a good point.

You mean a timeout, right? No, but here's the thing that bothers me about comedy, and he'll back me up on it. Is that Mike's in it? No, no, no. It's that you have actual real experience, life experience, and now everything is about an immersive, interactive, genuine experience.

All these museums, the Museum of Ice Cream, Museum of whatchamacallit, you know, it's all about, you're part of the experience. You have really important stories that can help people and stuff like that. Yet, are you the new woke darling of the Ann Arbor, Michigan

Comedy Craft Festival? No. Of course not. Because you're a rough-edged man who doesn't speak the speaky-speak of today's Brooklyn youth. Right. So, isn't that funny

how like, just because like, you know, whatever. I mean, it just bothers me because they're supposed to be so genuine

but at the end of the day, it's got to be wrapped in a pretty package no matter what the, whatever the thing is. You're 100% right. It's like, it's like, again,

my stories are so fucked up that maybe... And you're a good storyteller. You really are. Well, thank you, but I'm saying maybe they could help somebody, but because I'm not right that thing, whatever that thing is, I'm not going to, you know... So put a wig on and get it done.

I'm not at the East People's Choice Award. But now watch this. Now, Mike, are you happy. I'm not at the East people's choice award. But now watch this. Now, Mike, are you happy? I'm in the middle. Case closed. No, because what does that mean? How are you in the middle of anything? How are you sitting in the middle of anything?

I don't like to be too happy because I don't like it. Yeah, but that's not a choice, though, Doug. You can't just choose it. No, you can, in a way, because how do you choose it? What makes you happy? I'd be happy having a ton of money and having all kinds of good stuff. But you don't have that. No.

No offense, Mike, but do you think going braless has led to this? It's kind of hard to concentrate in here already. I don't know what kind of show this is. Free-ranging, though, is beautiful. Lenny Dykstra, our next guest, is going to bronze ski. No, but the thing is, the middle middle's the best because you know why? You're not too high, you're not too low.

But you just said you want a bunch of money and all that. Yeah, have some cash and enjoy it. And hot pussy and all that shit. You have none of that.

Neither do I. Do you get excited about things? Do you get excited? Sometimes, David. It depends what it is. Like, what would, like, I could see, like,

you getting excited, like, a pass to great adventure. Would that be, like, on a scale of great adventure to something, what would be the excitement? How about a driverless bike? How about a $15 go? It is probably that much because I just put it up with the coffee. I don't know how much this fucking shit is. But explain what the middle is.

The middle is not, not, not. Because you seem happier than all three of us. No, because it's not thrilled about stuff, but it's not miserable either. It's balanced. That's good. You're like stoic. You see it.

Like a Zen monk, balanced. So you would consider yourself like a Zen monk? In the middle. Yeah, I like being in the middle. I don't like being happy. Too happy, really. Or too sad either. So you never get low lows.

I get angry more than Shed, than happy. I mean, Shed, you know what I mean? Well, you know, you ever see the movie American Psycho? Here's what I'm going through right now, especially trying not to use. There's a part in American Psycho where he's narrating the movie, and he goes, I feel I'm on the verge of frenzy.

Is that how you feel? Sometimes, now that I'm, look, they always say in NA, wait for the miracle to happen. Like, you know, and I don't know. I'm only 10 months in. A lot of people say it could take two years, whatever. And I plan on doing this. I plan on staying.

There's too much shit I've gone through. I'm not beat for jail anymore. I don't want to see my mother cry anymore. Everything came back. This business fucking took me back. I still have friends like you guys. It's amazing. It's amazing that I keep getting all these chances.

So I'm finally fucking a counselor at that place you saw me at, Turning Point, which is actually a good place. I said, when the fuck are you going to get grateful for something? These kids are living under a bridge. I was 80 sad stories, man. Kids looking at huge prison sentences, liver failure at 28, AIDS, Hep C, homelessness. And this guy's like, you're a fucking comedian. Who makes, why are you doing what you live? And I go, I almost feel guilty. I'm not happy. I feel guilty that I'm not happy.

I wish I could tell these kids, guys, you know, I wish I could tell you everything is great right now, but that's it a verge of frenzy because the boredom sometimes being sober and clean and we get the happiness from performing

sometimes I feel like I just want to go to an airport and just run around and just scream and fucking and catch another charge the other thing about being sober is being like an adult

and like all the adult things but we don't live like adults I do I mean I try and 5 o'clock in the morning I mail a letter record in LA you know I do all the adult things. But we don't live like adults. I do. I mean, I try and- Five o'clock in the morning, you're calling LA. I mail a letter. You know, I do all the little things.

No, that's what I was saying. But I can't say like I'm a true adult. Like I'll hire a guy to come over and fix my apartment. It's not like I'm like, okay, I'm going to get on the web and look at a couple tutorials and fix this drain. I mean, I'm not a- I'm still a loser, you know, but I'm like-

But you're not a loser. My point about the adult thing is- Like when you see real life and how sad it is and how people loser, you know, but I'm like, yo. But you're not a loser. My point about the adult thing is. Like, when you see real life and how sad it is and how people, like you said, have to do that every day. Like, even when I have to drive out to see my mom, getting the traffic and getting back. And me and my sister, we always complain about it. I go, I don't know how I could do this if I had a real job where I had to commute like that. Like, I would kill myself. Right.

And it's like, see, that's right there. It's like, I live a kind of very incredible life that I don't have to do that. of course, we all understand. And I'm also like, at airports, like, I hate to give up this,

but it's like, I'm sitting in front of the airport chain smoking, and I'm like, you know, man, I hate this, I can't believe it,

I gotta, you know, go to whatever again. Right. But I'm going to some place to make some really good money, and I'm gonna be there for two days.

Yeah. And something you're amazing at. Maybe the best in just amazing at maybe the best people waiting to see me. So it's like, you know, it's different than the other two people who are being, you know, sent back to their original country of origin. Well, let's not give you an example. I was in jail with a guy who I got to know in jail a little bit. Then two months went by and I see him again in a rehab and I go, what has happened in the last two months of your life? I'm getting to know him a little bit.

And he said 10 of his cousins and friends were killed. In that two months. He was from Camden. At a gender reveal? No, not a gender reveal. Shot or OD'd? Wow. 10.

Like, first cousins. And I had a friend who was like a cousin to me, my buddy Doug die of fentanyl when I was in the halfway. I said, let me go to his funeral. And he looked better in the casket than the last time I saw him. He looked better in the fucking casket than the last time I saw the kid. And I actually was happy for

him. I was actually, I go, your pain is finally gone. Like, I look at him and I go, this is a guy who didn't win this war that we both started as kids in the 70s and now he's gone, his mother's crying, you know, and he had all these dreams and aspirations, but they were all just taken. But this guy had 10.

He's a black kid from Camden, who I love, a great guy, and I worry about him. It's like, also the other thing is, in rehab and jail, you're in such close quarters with these guys, you get to know them. In a week, you feel like you've known the guy for 30 years. Because you hear him share in group. He's bitching to you about shit in a jail cell or a small room in bunk beds. It's like going to fucking camp with somebody.

And then they die. And then they die. Five guys. I was in a halfway house. They're dead. Really? Yeah, five of them. There were 44 fucking guys in there.

One died while I was there. He left and was dead eight hours later. Shot fentanyl. So what am I going to say to that fucking kid? Oh, I got to go to governor's. Yeah, right, right, right. The kid was 10 people. And by the way, governor's rock.

I'm saying it right now. But you're right. You're going to... I don't know. The levels of misery out there are endless, endless, endless. And we have great lives. We do. We do.

Let me completely embarrass Dave right now. Do you think there's any better comedian in history than Dave Attell? No. That's ridiculous. Okay. I really take it back. I'll walk out. If this keeps going, I'll walk out.

I don't want to hear this kind of stuff. I agree with you. I'll put him down. Greatest stand-up. Not talking stand-up comedian. Just stand-up alone. The art of stand-up. Writing and delivering. Chaplin. Greatest stand-up ever. Not talking stand-up comedians. Just stand-up alone. The art of stand-up. Writing and delivering.

Chaplin. Chaplin was a good guy. Chaplin had a Hitler mustache and swung it. He has to nix that. I would tell you I've had good years, bad years, good decades, bad years. But I feel like this is the best time for me with comedy. Even though comedy is so big. And some of us are benefiting from it more than others and like it really is big business

and it's also like i guess you could say it's on the national um uh arena of of talking now that like comedy has been elevated where like jokes are now um being quoted by the news yeah you know both good and bad to that but it's like like, I never wanted that. I just wanted to be consistently funny in the club, the theater world. And, like, I've accomplished that. And, you know, I mean, like, when we talk about, like, Russ and other people, it's like, it's a long game in comedy.

And it's like, either you get it or you don't. And, like, the guys who stopped doing comedy are already doing it again. There's a lot of people who are getting into it thinking it's a fast track to other things. But I just know it. It's a long game. who are getting into it thinking it's a fast track to other things, but I just know it. It's a long game, and that, like, the hang to me is just as important as, uh,

as, uh, what's it called? The friendship aspect of it. Well, because that's all I got, you know? It's like, if I had a family and stuff like that, then, yeah, I'd go home and go, yeah, I got to get up, my kids, you know? None of us have that. My kids go to the dentist or something, but, uh, you know.

But do you think you prefer that, or do you prefer this? I don't know. It's just, this is the role that I rolled, and I'm trying to do the best that I can, and, you know. But do you think you prefer that, or do you prefer this? I don't know. It's just, this is the role that I rolled, and I'm trying to do the best that I can, and, you know, we're pretty lucky that there's still enough of us from the earlier times that, like, we can hang, and, you know, I apologize if I haven't been so available.

Because I knew this was going to come. And I really, I think that one quiet voice was Russ, because he's gone through, like, family stuff that, like, only all of us would I mean, I think that Russ is not only a good friend, but a really, really good son and brother and all that kind of stuff. He was basically the only force in his family of good for a long time, taking care of his

dad and everything like that. And I really respect him. Now I take care of my mom and I have round-the-clock care there. I know you were doing most of that on your own. I mean, Russ is like my brother, and so are you, Dave. I mean, it's— But thank God he isn't your brother. Look how good he looks.

Wouldn't you feel really, really upset? Not exactly. Not exactly. But, no, I— But please, not about comedy. No, no, no, I'm just saying. It really is not I understand

It's awkward to give a friend a compliment like that Because it is awkward But just know that's what I think of you, brother But even more so But my point I'm trying to make is And to watch Rusty stand up The way you do it, bro And just the casualness of how you kill and everything

It's an art that I think both of you have mastered. But your friendship, it means way more to me than that. Well, good. I love it. It's a different thing. So make sure we don't have to fucking go to a funeral. All right? How about that?

Can I ask Dave a question? And make sure it's at 4 a.m. at Dave's favorite diner. We have a late funeral. That would help me out. Now, this is going to be Dave's worst nightmare. Mike has a question. Dave, who do you consider brilliant? Who's your favorite comic?

I don't know. I mean, I've been asked that question. Doug Stanhope, I think, is the truest of comics, even though he's a force unto himself. He also, you know, when people come up to me and they go, have you heard Doug Stanhope? I go, yeah, no, I know Doug Stanhope. That makes me feel really good that other people are hearing about him, finding out about his stuff from, I guess, podcasts.

And, you know, he's a writer like you. He has some really great stories. Amazing. And he's a great storyteller. A unique guy, like a real eccentric. He's definitely a man unto himself. And, like, you know, I love it. And back in the day when I was drinking and partying and stuff like that, Doug was the guy.

He was the guy who was like, him and I were like, you ever see that show, The Wacky Racers? Oh, I love that. It's like we're both driving crazy cars going nowhere. That's kind of what it was. But I would say that now, you know, I love that Doug does his,

he found a way to go, you know, he was one of the first guys to go off the grid, like where it was like, you know what? Oh, I'm not going to get a deal, or I'm not going to be on your network, or a sitcom, or any of that bullshit. Well, I don't need it. I'm going to barnstorm my way across the country, and I think he deserves a lot

of credit for almost creating a whole different type of market. Absolutely. And in terms of legendary comics, there's so many great ones out there. Like, I was thinking about Red Fox the other day. I love Red Fox. I would have loved to have seen him. I would have loved to have sat in the front row

and have him just, like, make fun of me. I brought his album when I was 12. He's one of the reasons why I still do comedy. I love him. I was in places where, like, I could sit up front and, like, a guy would make fun of me and it would be, like, him. You know, and I'd say Rodney Dangerfield.

Like, I did get to see him live, but I love that the fact that... I saw him once, yeah. I love the fact that it took him so long to figure it out but when he figured it out there was nothing better that's what I like about him

and Sam Kinison is the one do you ever meet him Dave? I never met him I never met Kinison either but I met Bill Hicks and I'll tell you he was like a real

like a touch by heaven guy like he was good at a lot of things and he was only 32 when he went away yeah he's been dead now over 25 years

he was only 32 25 years I remember where I was when's been dead now over 25 years. He's only 32. 25 years. I remember where I was when he died. Yes, 25 years. I'll give you, I'll end with a Norm Macdonald, Rodney Dangerfield story. So Rodney Dangerfield is hosting Saturday Night Live when Norm is there. And Pearl Jam is the guest.

Rodney's hosting and Pearl Jam is the music guest. So it's dress rehearsal and Rodney Dangerfield's in a robe of course napping so Pearl Jam of course so Eddie Vedder going all out singing Jeremy at dress rehearsal like all out like it's a concert Norm is sitting there they're all watching him like entertained by it

Ronnie comes out in a robe and goes hey guys we get it you're a band we get it who the hell is Jeremy I get it I'm trying to sleep can we fucking just come to a... Just the thought of that event, I'm like going, Jeremy.

Guys, we get it. You're a band. I'm going to tell jokes. You're going to sing. Can we stop? It's so funny. So he sees Norm, and right after that happens,

he goes, you know what, Norm? And this sums it up, what we've been talking about, about the misery. He goes, Norm, you know, television sucks.

Television sucks. This lighting, the bullshit, you're about, about the misery. He goes, Norm, you know, television sucks. Television sucks. This lighting, the bullshit, you're rehearsing, the wardrobe wants to talk, television sucks. And then he goes, you know what else sucks? Movies suck, Norm. Movies suck. It takes fucking forever. The director's got a vision, you gotta talk to that guy, movies suck. He goes, Norm, the only good thing is stand-up and that fucking sucks.

Stand-up at this stage of the game, everything sucks except when they're announcing you and you're walking off. It's great. And then you start to feel happiness. The rest is work. I've got to do this bit that takes a while. No, I think that's the fun part.

I think being on stage is awesome. It's going to the club. It's walking in. It's waiting. It's flying. I'm going to sum it up for you. You're 100% right. Years ago, I was afraid to get on stage.

Now I'm afraid to get off. I feel exactly the same way. Now I'm afraid to sum it up for you. You're 100% right. Years ago, I was afraid to get on stage. Now I'm afraid to get off. I feel exactly the same way. Now I'm afraid to get off. Because I'm right. Like, I was just in Baltimore. Gooby sold out. I'm having fun. I'm in a moment.

People are laughing. I want this to go on forever because I don't want to go into the reality. Yes. If I could just wake up on stage. Perfect. Really. If I could just fall asleep on stage, which I've done before. All right, guys.

Well, I'm going to say it. Do you have something? Go ahead. I think this is a great, both to you and Mike, thanks for letting me be a part of it. I love being here with Russ and you guys. And I'll tell you, man, there were so many touch-and-go moments with you already.

Yeah, I know. I feel so good about this. Thanks, Dave. You know, I think there's only way to celebrate now, be it this Caroline's. I'll be there December. Sorry. now, be it this Caroline's. I'll be there in December. But I will be at Caroline's, so come by.

All of you. Guys, in all honesty, thank you. I love you both. Very nice. Mike, I love you. How do you feel the first episode went, Mike? I feel phenomenal because I'm surrounded by you guys and I feel happy. He's without words.

Okay, this has been Audiolines halfway house. happy. Thank you, Mike. He's without words. It's a rare thing. Okay, this has been Audiolines Halfway House. This is the show, guys. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow, Lenny Dykstra from the Mets. Oh, my God. Wow. The 86 Mets will be here.

We all do a little cheating. Oh, yeah. We're going to talk to Lenny about what's going on in his life. We'll see you next time. Thanks, guys. Peace. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya. See ya.