Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 11 - TODD BARRY

Episode Date: December 18, 2019

Artie Lange and Mike Bocchetti interview spend an hour with all-time great stand-up comedian Todd Barry. Sponsored by... MyBookie.ag - to go http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus BlueChew - go to BlueChew.com and use code Artie to try it for FREE!

🎵 Hey, Arnie Lang's Halfway House back for another big episode. My co-host, the great Mike Boschetti. Hey, Arnie. Mike, what's up, buddy? I like when you clap, but make it more fucking obnoxious. You're a king. Not like this. Watch this. Well, it's just that that's a technical

thing. I know, but... You're pulling the curtain back, which is nice. I like breaking the fourth wall. I like... I thought it would be more like this. Piss boy! Like in History of the World. Yeah, yeah. Harvey Korman. Now, Mike, how are you doing with shaving? Because a lot of the fans are talking on social media that you're shaving uneven.

Well, you know what? They're uneven. Are you growing a bit of a goatee? It looks like Michael J. Fox shaved you. It looks like Michael J. Fox took some Ritalin and shaved you. Shit. Your beard's all gray, but your hair is chartreuse. You know what?

I love this girl. Sometimes it's a pain in the butt and I can't grow much of a beard, really. Well, yes, you can. Yeah, but it takes too much time. You're a thick Italian, bro. What's your hair?

No, you have no hair on your back, right? I have no hair on my back. My chest, I got like eight hairs on my whole body. What is that about? Do you have that, what's it called,

propitia? My brother has a fucking rug on his back. Your brother has a rug on his back? My brother, you sound like a Humphrey Bogart movie.

My brother has a rug on his back. I love the way sound like a Humphrey Bogart movie. My brother has a rug on his back. I love the way you talk. You talk very Staten Island. Very charming. I think it's New York really. Well, no. It's more specific Staten Island scumbag. Don't sound like Brooklyn? No, right? You know, it's Brooklyn, Queens.

Like if a scumbag from Brooklyn and a scumbag from Queens fucked and had an accent, it would be the Staten Island accent. The bridge and tunnel crowd they called it years ago, right? B&T, yeah. Well, no, I mean, I'm just saying, do you shave? How often do you shave?

Because it looks uneven is my point. A couple of days, but every few days. But the thing is, I shave with an electric razor now. I love it. Oh, you do? I don't even know they made them, so. It's better than, you know what happened? After I had my heart attack, I had to take blood thinners, so I couldn't use a regular razor.

Once again, we have the hippest show in podcasting. A lot of millennials love the fact that my co-host is taking blood thinners after his heart attack. No, but millennials love us. They've been tweeting at us. Well, not tweeting, but like. Wait a minute. So when did you have your heart attack? It'll be three years in February. And was it a major heart attack?

Yes. My arteries? Well, 100%, 70%, and 30% clogged. Well, that makes sense. I would think 100%. It's called the widow maker. Yeah, you're not exactly... Well, you don't have a wife, so...

You're not exactly a healthy eater. What's an average meal? I just had the falafel guy stuff. The halva guy. So you stopped on the street and you bought some of that Indian food? So good. But I don't know. I don't trust it. In the winter, I guess I trust it. In the summer, it's all coagulating and stuff.

You don't eat that shit in the summer, do you? No. I used to eat dirty water dogs at the Yank. Those are worse. I used to eat the shish kebabs at Yank. That's basically cat. Yeah, but they were sort of wrapped up hot dogs and salad day. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. It's fucking ridiculous. So you still eat that?

Well, maybe that's why you got, what do you put on it? That white shit? No, I just ate it as is. I mean, aren't you worried it's not cooked enough? You trust those guys? No, they were good. They were nice people. These are Arabs, right?

No, I think it may be like eat a Sri Lankan or something close to that. Well, isn't Sri Lankan an Arab? No, they're different. It's like Sri Lankans like an offshoot of Indian, I think. Yeah, well, so is Arab. No. Everything's an offshoot of Indian. Oh, wait a minute.

Indian and Arab, they're close. Not woo-woo, dot-dot. Oh, dot-dot. But the dot-dot's more mellow. Let me tell you something right now. You cannot eat this cat shish kebab, Mike. You look like your beard is making me sick. Oh, yeah. Do you ever get the shish kebab, Mike. You look like your beard is making me sick. Oh, yeah.

Do you ever get the shish kebab sauce stuck in the beard? Tahini sauce, I think you call it. Yeah, tahini. That's what I mean. Whatever the fuck that is. Notice that white gooey shit. It looks like jizz. Oh, it's disgusting.

I don't use it really. Well, I mean, it's good that something grosses you out, but that's why I think you're, again, I'm worried about you because you're the co-host of the show, Mike. I think you've got to go on some sort of physical regimen. You've got to get some sort of activity. It's diet. That's what it starts with. Yeah. It starts with diet and then it starts with sex. Well, you know what the first three letters in diet are?

Die? Die. Well, you know what? We all got to go someday, you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, listen, you've lasted a lot longer. Don't you feel like you and I have lasted a lot longer than a lot of people we know left. Yeah, even our closest family members would have. Half of our age, some of them left half of our age.

Yeah, but I'm saying, what are you now, 78? I was a World War II vet. What are you, 58 years old? 58, yes. Well, I mean, so I'm. What if I fished? And I'm 52. You think life, would you, if you had life to do over again, besides everything, what would you do over?

I would probably not drink or smoke. Well, I mean, you haven't drank and smoked in a long time, though. But I like it. I mean, your lack of health is due to something else. Food. But you know what? I don't know. But food is legal, though.

Now, you live in an attic in a house with your mom. I live in a basement. I got crazy. Oh, so you used to be in the attic. Now you're in the basement. Yeah. Now, does your mother still bring you plates of food? No. I make sure. I got, I got, oh, so you used to be in the act, now you're in the basement. Yeah. Now, does your mother still bring you plates of food?

No, I make sure, I make sure, well, she gives me rations now. So, how often does your mom feed you? It's like a feeding at a zoo.

Oh, yeah, she goes to the store, gives me rations, fucking nonsense, really. How often does your mother feed you and what does she,

like, what was the last meal your mother fed you? I just had something today. I had the same stuff all over and over. I gotta be, she,

I had, So your mother is, is an older woman at this point. She's 81, but I had... She's 81. So your mom's 81 and she's cooking and bringing you food. No, I'm not even cooking because here's what she got me, right? This is what I had for lunch today. A couple of beets.

Yeah. Grape leaves. Right? Grilled chicken. No, you didn't. Yes, I did. A couple of beets grape leaves and grilled chicken Mike

and beans it looks like you had a UPS truck for lunch you didn't have grape leaves no grape leaves beans you gotta see the nonsense

what a bunch of fucking bullshit this is don't bullshit the audience because again we're getting a new audience now now we're in double digits

we've done more than ten episodes I guarantee the show's going great I'm gonna film me eating lunch I promise you I will. Well, that'll be like porn.

But no, I'm saying you don't want to lie to the audience. No, I'm not lying. It's right for lunch. Because it's honesty. Twice a day I'm eating that nonsense. What people like from the radio and podcasting stars, and we are podcast stars, Mike. Thank you. Your star is shining bright.

And what you need to understand is the podcast audience likes honesty. I'm being honest. So you had how many grape leaves? Four million? What did you have? And were you dunking them in barbecue sauce? I would say I had a half a dozen beets. Half a dozen beets.

Doesn't that turn your piss real red, though? Yeah, it sucks. Aren't you afraid you're peeing blood? Which it might be. I don't know. You could be peeing blood. When I look at you, it doesn't scream health. No, but it might be. I don't know. You could be being blood. When I look at you, it doesn't scream health.

It's beets, like four grape leaves, half a little shitty fucking chicken thing, some beans. So you're dieting? You're actively trying to lose weight? That's what she's giving me every day and I can't take it no more. Your mom gives you that every day? Yeah. But did you ever consider getting your own food so you could have your own choice?

No, she said to me, if you're dependent on another human being, she's going to give you that every day. Yeah. But did you ever consider getting your own food so you could have your own choice? No, she said to me, she goes. If you're dependent on another human being to give you, she's going to give you what you want. No, she said to me, she goes, you eat like a savage in an animal. I got to portion you out. That's a great impression of your mother. No, but your poor mom, again, I love your mother. I've met your mother. She brings me portions.

I'm not nine years old. Well, exactly. So cook for yourself or buy your own food. You're making money now. Yeah, but she said to me, she goes... You're on the Asperger's spectrum. You could get free money. But don't you, I mean, don't you want to, I mean, exactly.

In other words, you're 58 years old. You're complaining of what your mom's giving you. Don't let your mother give you the food. Get your own food. I eat out though sometimes too. I had the Impossible Burger. It's not bad. Why would you do that?

Well, just get the meat, dude. It's no big fucking... It's better than meat. If you're slathering mayonnaise, it's the same shit. It's just as. Why would you do that? Why would you just get the meat, dude? It's no big fucking... It's better than the meat. If you're slathering mayonnaise, it's the same shit. It's just as fat. No, it's better than the meat. I think they're lying about it, Art. You actually ordered a fucking Impossible Burger?

I mean, I've been eating them as much as I can. There's no way you ordered an Impossible Burger. Yes, I have, Art. That's impossible. No, but the thing is... I actually think that's impossible. I think they're lying, Art. You know why?

Because it has to be meat. They've got to be fucking around with us. Just get the fucking burger, dude. That's not what your problem is. Your problem is the fact that you're lying about beets and grilled chicken. Oh, no, I'm not lying. Wow. Our guest today, look at this.

Look at how excited he is. He's very excited. Our guest today is one of the best stand-up comics in this room. Oh, yeah. In the world. Probably in the world. He's world-renowned. He's told the world.

And he's been a friend of mine for, I think, 62 years. He was a great... I loved him in The Rational. You fucking stole that movie. That's right. There you go. I don't know if I stole it, but... No, I thought you did.

Yeah, you're right. I did steal it. The great Todd Barry. What's up, Eddie? What's up, Todd? Hi, Todd. Thank you. Todd, how are you, buddy? I'm all right. Wow, this is loud in my headphones. it. The great Todd Barry. What's up, Eddie? What's up, Todd? Hi, Todd. Thank you. Todd, how are you, buddy?

I'm all right. Wow, this is loud in my headphones, man. Is it too loud? Yeah. Already he's bitching about something. I'm complaining, man. Actually, let him bitch as much as you want. I think it's weird.

Is this it? Check that out. Check, check, check, check, check. Does that work? Yeah, I think that worked. Wait. Is that better? Turn it down a little bit more.

Check, check, check. That's good. Is that good? Are you just saying that to satisfy me? Actually, you know what? I think that might be the wrong... Wow. Do you edit this podcast?

How about this? This will all work. All right. The crowd loves this. Because everyone's kind of... Oh, wait. That might be working. Is that working?

But you're still really loud. Oh, you want me to be... So you want me to turn my volume up? I just want everyone to shut the fuck up. Okay. Let's begin podcasting when we shut the fuck up. How about that? How about that? That's better.'s better that's better yeah yeah yeah right okay you're happier yeah i was too loud you're right are you saying bochetti is startling now do you know mike

bochetti i've known mike forever a long time right yeah yeah is he one of your oldest friends in comedy oh you guys it's a tie between you two guys. Thanks. That's how it is. We have known each other. If you think about it, we've probably known each other almost 30 years. You're right. Does that depress you?

It's weird. Like, Gary Goldman posted a tweet about substitute teaching. Yeah. So I remembered that there was a clip on Comedy Central of me talking about substitute teaching. So I used that as an opportunity to plug myself. But the clip is 26 years old. Yeah, that's insane, right? It's fucking crazy.

And you still look amazing. I do look, I looked, my voice changed and everything. You sound like Todd Barry to me still. How has your voice changed? I don't know. I feel like I have like a little boy's voice. How old were you when you first started doing stand-up? I was 23, I think.

And you're from Florida. It's always, you're from Florida. I'm not really from, well, it's, you know, it's a misconception. You don't seem like a Florida guy. Well, I was born in the Bronx. Oh, nice. You seem more like a Bronx guy. Yeah.

Like Riverdale or something. I was. That's actually where that is. You seem like a Riverdale guy. But only until I was five. And also not in a mansion in like a private apartment. What did your parents do? What did your father do for a living?

He was in advertising and my mom was a court reporter. Oh, a stenographer. Is that even a profession anymore? Because I'm in court all the time. I don't see it. Yeah, I know. Is that technology? You shouldn't be focusing on that.

Who's keeping a record of this? Where's the court reporter? But, I mean, stenographers assume that technology would have taken that. And are they both still with us, your parents? No, they're not. I'm sure. Neither one? No.

Do you have brothers? See, you're one of those guys. I've always been a fan of yours. And, you know, you're probably the one comic I drove home more in the 90s than anybody. You always hit me rough. I love that that started as a compliment

then I've done more annoying favors for you. No, no, no, no, no. No, it was not an annoying favor because I always had fun talking to you. Have you given me rides? Yes. I guess you have given me rides.

Absolutely. Yeah. You always like down to Alphabet City wherever you live. You always live in the hippest part of town. Yeah, I do because I'm the hippest guy. But I don't know I don't know much about you. I You always live in the hippest part of town. Yeah, I do.

But I don't know much about you. I know you went to the University of Florida. Yes. Do you have brothers and sisters? I have a brother named Ian. What does he do? He does advertising. Oh, so the whole family does advertising. Yeah, except for me.

Was your father a big Madison Avenue type? No, he wasn't like a madman douchebag now. He's a very modest man. Did he enjoy your irony? I think he did. He was pretty funnybag now, now. He's a very modest man. Did he enjoy your irony? I think he did. He was pretty funny. Yeah, man. I'm like Lenny Bruce.

No, you're a very smart guy. You are. I mean, have you ever checked your IQ? What is it? It's probably not. I think I have. I mean, I was in the gifted program when I was in there. Oh, you were?

Mike thought he was in Mensa. Yeah. And what he tried to do was download the test that shows if you're in Mensa, and he couldn't do it. Well, no. Todd, I... That's half the battle. I did well on the test, but I couldn't

download the test back. I'm mechanically spastic. Yeah, right. So I think that proves that you're not in Mensa. No, but I would think your IQ, you're probably, like, you know, Kubrickian. Stanley Kubrickian. Is he a genius? I mean, I know he's a... I heard he had, like, a 200 IQ., you're probably like, you know, Kubrickian, Stanley Kubrickian. Is he a genius? I mean, I know he's a philologist. I heard he had like a 200 IQ. Well, I don't know.

Can you even get a 200 IQ? I think Einstein was 140. No, I'm just saying you seem like— I'm a bright guy. Yes, you're a bright guy. And you're—at the University of Florida, did you get a lot of broads there? Did you get a lot of women? A lot of broads.

Oh, we're doing this now. You don't seem like a gator. No, I was definitely not a... I mean, that's the thing, because people say, UF has a party school. It's like, yeah, it has that there, but it also has fucking shy dweebs. What did you study?

English. Oh, okay. Because I couldn't... That's a lot of pussy getting. I just knew that I didn't want to do business, and so I said, oh, let's do English. At what point did you want to be a comedian? It's weird because I didn't even consider it.

People were always like, you should be a comedian. You're funny. Right. I always wanted to be funny. Even as a child. Yeah. But I never like comedian. Why would I want to be a comedian?

But I always used to watch like, I was on all these, a lot of people were on my radar, like Letterman. Right. Before he had a TV show. Absolutely. Yeah, I always loved Letterman, too. I used to watch him. How old are you? Me?

I'm 55. I'm 52. I'm so same generation. You're 58? Yeah. Holy shit. But he looks great. Does that make you feel good?

Yeah. I'm 52, but I always loved Letterman, too. Letterman was a guy. Yeah. I mean, yeah, him and, like, Michael. So his stand-up, like, back far as I was, you remember his stand-up? I do remember his stand-up, and I remember, you know, just, I used to, whenever it was, like, we have a bright young comic on, I always liked those people. Yeah, absolutely.

Drake Sather used to do his show a lot. Yeah, yeah. Drake Sather was great. Yeah, so all these people I was kind of very interested in. And then in Florida, believe it or not, they had one of the first comedy clubs, I think, in the country. Right. The comic strip. Really?

Yes. Well, by Miami? In Fort Lauderdale. Oh, okay. And then, yes, it was a branch of the New York comic strip. Yeah. And so I would go to like open mics and watch. So you started in Florida?

I did start in Florida, yeah. In college? After college. After college. Right after college. Did you start with Dennis Reg college? I did start in Florida, yeah. In college? After college. After college. Right after college. Did you start with Dennis Regan? I did. He and I were on the scene, on the South Florida comedy scene together.

And who were the early guys, like, I mean, who might have been a little bit older than you, that you love, that you were sort of influenced by, that you met through comedy? Oh, that I met? Yeah. I mean, I used to, you mean like? Like, I mean, peers that you respected. Oh. I mean, I used to... You mean like... Like, I mean, peers that you respected. I mean, in Florida, I started and...

Not a lot of guys now. Yeah, there was Dennis Regan and... And his brother Brian. Yeah, Brian, who I didn't know down there. Yeah. I think he had already moved.

But so, yeah, so you're in... How long do you do it in Florida before you move? The thing is, like, I had already decided that I wanted to move to New York

because our family... You have to. Well, this was independent of becoming a comic. Right. I was just like... I remember we took a few trips back there

after... My father... I lived in upstate New York for three years until I was eight and my father's whole company got moved to Florida. Okay.

So that's how I ended up in Florida. Right. It was never a thing. No one ever wanted to move to Florida. I don't mean that as a slam against Florida. It was just... Right. Because I was like, wow, that's weird. You had to go. We're moving to Florida. So that's how I ended up in Florida. Right. It was never a thing. No one ever wanted to move to Florida. I don't mean that as a slam against Florida. It was just, because I was like, wow, that's weird.

You had to go. We're moving to Florida. No one likes to move from New York anywhere. Yeah. So then we made a few trips back and I was like, just Manhattan. I was like, oh, this is where I want to live. Yeah, sure. And I'm not a decisive guy.

So it was pretty good that something was like, got locked in. So how long before you moved to New York? I did comedy for like a year. Okay. But down there, you could start by saying, hey, can I do your open mic night tomorrow? Right.

And they used to do it during the headliner show. So they would like, the headliner week would be Tuesday through Sunday or whatever, Sunday, whatever. And they would like, either on Monday or Tuesday or Sunday, they would have the open mic and then the headliner.

Yeah. And this is during the comedy boom when people were just like, we're going to see comedy. Like either on Monday or Tuesday or Sunday, they would have the open mic and then the headliner. Yeah. So you got to – this is during the comedy boom when people were just like, we're going to see comedy. Or like mid-'80s. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Like 87. So I mean – but like were you immediately funny on stage?

I actually – I mean I killed the first time. I know. Again, that's a rare story, but I totally believe that. Yeah, I mean – but also I did have the advantage. I didn't go up. It wasn't a New York, you know, like an open mic where there's eight comics waiting to go on and then like one's regular. So it was like a real crowd. So I did have the advantage of a real crowd. Yeah, plus exactly. And that's good training for, you know, I mean, it's basically a road.

But you, so then you come to New York and where do you pass first? Where did you go? The comic show? I, you know, I can't, if in retrospect, I came to New York too soon, I think for, like if I had to do it over again, I would have gone on the road for a year. Another year. Yeah. But don't you think it worked out?

Like, what do you regret about it? Oh, of course, ultimately it did work out because here I am. You're a well-respected comedian. I was going to say that myself. Now you are in the upper echelon, too. Absolutely. Absolutely. I'll kiss your ass a little bit.

Me, too. Thank you. I'll stay there. I remember a lot of your jokes. You're a guy who I remember the first time I ever saw you do stand-up. Was it stand-up New York? Yeah. I remember the first time I saw Tell Chappelle.

I remember the first time. You're always nice and sweet to me as a new comic. Well, I think he was making fun of you. No. No, no, no, no. No, he was always a gentleman because a lot of comics were dickheads when I was new to me, and he was always a good guy. Well, that's nice.

Todd's always on the prowl, too. No. Yeah. Todd hit on my sister for a long time. I was attracted to your sister. I know. I know. I don't know that I hit on her.

Well, I mean, she said there was a lot of emails or something. It was something. No, I'm thinking it was a lot of emails. That was probably. I definitely flirted with her. I love her. I don't know. Something about hit on sounds.

And I welcomed it. I said you should marry Todd Berry. Okay. But she had awful taste in men. Oh, really? Awful taste. No, she's currently single. Really?

Yeah, listen, I mean, you know. I'll make that happen. All right. Now, what, so, I mean, so now, how often, how often do you go on the road? You're one of those guys, first of all, you were always around, like, hip people. I remember you coming to the stand of New York in the 90s with Moon Unit Zappa. Oh, I ran into her at an ATM the other day. A few weeks ago, actually.

She has money? That's nice. But you, I mean mean you always were around like like the hip crowd like yeah i'm uh but you weren't a bullshit guy like like some of these alternative guys you got like you're a guy who has jokes you know yeah i mean i've always like i i've always just said i'm a comedian and then when the alt thing happened i love to work in those rooms but i never was like oh finally someone can handle my altness but I never was like, oh, finally, someone can handle my alt-ness. Like, I never was like...

But what did that even mean? It's like it just meant you're... To me, it's like, you know, you're just doing... Comedy's comedy. Yeah, yeah. I mean, and that's like... And if people would write, like, an article about me and say, alternative comedy, I would actually write to them and go, can you remove alternative? Yeah, you hate that, right?

It's just... I mean, there are some acts that are very odd and like probably wouldn't work at a comedy club, but I'm just. Or anywhere. I'm just a joke slinger, man. But I remember one time you told me you were doing stand-up in Helsinki once. Oh yeah, I did. So you do festivals?

I just did Bangkok a few weeks ago. So that's like, you're one of those guys, like there's not a lot of guys who do that. Like how do those gigs go in Bangkok? Well, Bangkok, it's all expat. You go up there and it's like, I went to an open mic in Bangkok the night before. I just happened to find out about one. And it was an English-speaking open mic. And I didn't go on, but it was just like, oh, I feel like you could,

if you told me I was in Brooklyn now, I'd be, it's just the handful of people. So you find a place that Americans go to? Yeah, I mean, it's not a thing where, like, my comedy transcends Thai. That's what I mean. Even if someone could speak English, if they don't get, I mean, it must be difficult to do stand-up in Helsinki. When you do it, yeah. But, yeah, I mean, I find ways of making it work in that. Because it's just the references, like the English.

I don't go to a place where, like, they don't speak English. Oh, no. That'd be a little intense. I'm not like Eddie Izzard who does his act in, like, seven languages. How often are you on the road? I'm on the road, like, probably three or four months a year. Oh, okay. So not as much.

I mean— At the height of your road. No, I think that is—I don't know. You don't love it. No, I do love it, but I So not as much. I mean – At the height of your road. No, I think that is – I don't know. You don't love it. No, I do love it, but I get tired of it. But, I mean, I'm trying to think how I feel about being on the road. Like I go on the road and then I kind of want to come home. But is that how you make most of your money?

Yeah, it is. Yeah. Right, and too. And I also like – you know, I've done comedy in all 50 states and a bunch of countries. I like sort of just – not just doing New York. Yeah, but you're also great at crowd work, too. I am. I had a crowd work special.

Yeah. What is that? It's called? The crowd work tour. The crowd work tour. Yeah, it's on Amazon Prime. You're uniquely good at that. Thank you.

Yeah. Yes, and thank you. Is that a great? It's such a hard skill. I don't have that skill. You work the crowd a lot? I don't talk to a hard skill. I don't have that skill. Mike, are you... You work the crowd a lot? I don't talk to people that much.

You don't talk at all on stage? I think it's unnecessary. I mean, I think... Well, crowd work, you mean. I'm pretty good at it, but I... Yeah, you're great at it. But, I mean, I've seen comics where, like, I gotta practice my crowd work.

No, you don't. Yeah, no, you don't at all. You don't even have to acknowledge them. Don't do... Don't make my mistake. Now, are you disappointed in your career? Oh, wow. That's, did I say, did I say something?

I don't know. You said, you alluded to the fact that you were great in the fucking wrestler. Oh, thank you. Why? Mike's a big fan of your work in the wrestler. I'm like, these idiots should have him all over fucking stuff now. Now, you play an asshole in that. Yeah.

No, no, no, no. But the thing is. You play the guy at the deli, right? No, no, but what I'm saying is the thing is, by knowing Todd, and you're great, but by seeing him as a person,

knowing what a cool guy he was, I'm like, it freaked me out that she'd be a butthead. Do you think it was a stretch for him to play an asshole? No. He's a good guy.

I think every role I get, or even voiceover, they're just like, just talk like you. You know what I find a great compliment? The show Crashing that I was in.

Yeah. At the end of the first season, you're in the show, but it's just, Judd just puts your stand up in it. Yeah. Like it's something that

people. How is that? I don't know if that's a compliment. No, no, no, it is. Yeah, we don't actually want you on the show. We'll grab a clip from the fucking

show you did in Montreal. I'm saying, you really are the, you know, the definition of a comics comic. I mean, you know, a show about comedians, he chose your clip to be the thing he's watching. Right.

But you'd rather be in the show. Do you like acting? I do like it, but I like to break up the stand-up. You know what I mean? Just to do a different project. But I do find acting. Do you like acting? Yeah. I like it a lot i don't yeah i like i like when it's all done but i do find the way i define the way i've said it in uh many interviews

is that i feel like in stand-up it's like jail you say whatever you want and you don't have to wake up early no one tells you what to do and you don't have to wake up early and acting's the opposite you have to wake up early and someone's telling you and so many people could fuck up like you know like it could be you could think it's gonna just total shit at the end it's disappointing most of us disappointed and also it's like the open-ended sort of waiting where you're like you do a take like that was great let's do another one right you just said it was great Like 35 great takes Forever then it's just like this is the Lee I shouldn't be complaining. It's so

Sure right though. It's so different than stand-up you get to be like you're so independent You got your own fucking routine and right, you know, you don't want to you don. Because in stand-up, you get to be like, you're so independent. You got your own fucking routine. And, you know, you don't want to deal with anything. Like, you know, all right, I'm going on at 8.15. I'm probably going to be done by 9.15. That's it. And I know we're going to be eating by 10 o'clock. I did my first thing with Todd.

But it gets monotonous, like you said. I did my first acting gig with Todd years ago. That's right. Is that a Louis thing? Yeah. That Louis thing. Were you on a boat or something? Rick Shapiro.

Yeah, yeah. Louis directed us. It was the hijacker. Yeah. That Louis thing. Were you on a boat or something? Rick Shapiro. Yeah, yeah. Louis directed us. It was The Hijacker. Yeah. So much fun that day. Yeah, I think I was good in that. No, you were great. All right, I was great.

No, Rick was holding him up at one point. I think I was good in that. No, Rick was holding Tom up. Nice lead in. I don't always think I'm a good... I always feel like... Are you mostly... Well, you know what you have...

Again, certain directors are a fan of yours and they know how to use you, like Todd Phillips. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Pitching Road Trip, right? Yeah, I thought, you know, I was supposed to, I thought I was going to be in Joker. Like, it was like, they're like, oh, to save the state. You thought you were going to play the Joker?

I don't know. I think I was going to do one of the parts that one of my fucking friends got. Are you very competitive? No, I'm not. I think you are. I don't think I am at all. I don't think you, I don't think you like to admit it, but very competitive? No, I'm not. I think you are. I don't think I am at all. I don't think you like to admit it, but you are. No, I don't think.

Because somehow you probably think it's beneath you to be competitive. It's a little bitchy, but of course you are. I wouldn't say. I don't think I am because I never thought. You're pissed off you didn't get in the Joker. I'm not pissed. Well, I'm thinking about that. Who got it?

That residual. That's going to be a fucking fat one. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. that. Who got it? That residual. I know, right. That's going to be a fucking fat one. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. But so what friend got it? Well, I didn't even see it. Goldman is in it. Oh, yeah, okay. Sam Morrell's in it.

Oh, wow. Marin's in it. You must be insanely mad. I am so – I hate those guys. But at that point, you think he could have squeezed you in. I mean, all those guys – It's just the thing. Because Todd's a fan of yours.

Yeah, and it's just the thing. Come to think of it, I'm an old school. I'm pissed off I'm not in the Joker. Right. Because it is a, it is, it's like here, here's a lot of money. Like Will Ferrell put me in Elf. Uh-huh. And old school.

Yeah. I did this one movie with Will that made no money, and then he remembered me. So he just called me and said, do you want to be in old school? Asking me to be in Elf was like literally in in hindsight saying here's a house for your mother yeah i mean you know like it's it would have been nice to be in the joker yeah i'm just giving you money i think it's a thing where like because i thought it was going to happen right that if they if it was never brought up then i'd be like i wouldn't be like why am i not they brought it up. They actually, no, the agents said, it was called the Untitled Todd Phillips Project. And you're pinned for it.

It was like months down the road. It was like, all right. I don't know if it was actually promised, but it seemed like I was doing it. There was another title besides the Joker? I don't know. That is funny. That's funny. That's funny.

What was it called? It was some long, pretentious title. Why don't we just do this about the Joker? Why don't we just call it the Joker? Maybe they a long, pretentious title. I don't know. I don't know. It's about the Joker. I don't know. I just call it the Joker. Maybe they couldn't get the rights to it. Or maybe he just didn't want to leak that he was, that would have given away what he was doing. Good point.

That you're in a film with him. But so, I mean, again, I know what you're saying because, so it's more, it's not the work, it's more the money. You wish you had that money. No, I would have. You don't give a fuck if you're the Joker. You want the money. I mean, I'm, I would, of course, would have loved the work. Well, maybe not, of course, but I'm telling you now that I would have— You don't give a fuck if you're the Joker. You want the money, though. I mean, I'm—I would, of course, would have loved the work.

Well, maybe not of course, but I'm telling you now that I would have loved to do the work. But I can't not pretend that that residual check would be— Did you have—did you go to, like, a read-through and shit like that? Like, how far did it get? It just got to a point where I was, like, wrote to my agent, like, Hey, when I remember that joke, that movie thing, you guess I was— And they were like, that's not happening. Okay.

Yeah, I know. That's when the agent, like, when it lingers off and you bring shit up to an agent, like, you know. Yeah, that's not happening. Okay. Yeah, I know. That's when the agent, like, when it lingers off and you bring shit up to an agent. Yeah, it's not happening. As a matter of fact, one time when I drove you home, this is from stand-up New York, from the Upper West Side to the Lower East Side, you were talking about, at the time, you were represented by UTA. Wow. And you said, I'll never forget this, you said, I said, how often do you talk to your

agent? You said, never. I go, what do you mean you never talk? He goes, I go, do you call him? He goes, and you said, yeah, I think they see the name on the caller ID, Todd Berry. And they go, that's Todd Berry. We're not picking up the phone. Oh, really?

Like you said, the assistant literally wouldn't pick up the phone. I mean, I've been with agencies. I'm not going to mention. Yeah. Have you had a good experience with agents? The one you just mentioned. I've been with agencies. I'm not going to mention.

Yeah. Have you had a good experience with agents? The one you just mentioned. But, well, the thing with having an agent is not to get too inside, but we're all in the business. Yeah, that's right. Is that it. There's no one listening. There is like a thing where you're like, I got George Clooney's agency. And like, well.

Yeah, what does that mean? He's not getting the same treatment you're getting. Well, he could call at five o'clock in the morning and the guy, his agent at home and the guy will wake up and. He doesn't need a fucking agent. I had a meeting with Lorne Michaels once, and I swear to God, and I think he did this just to fuck with me. His assistant, I was right on time. He made me wait for an hour and a half. In the hour and a half, these were the three calls I heard his assistant make.

You've told me this story. It's really funny. She says, Lorne, I have Martin Short the phone, and Artie Lang is here. And then 10 minutes later, Lauren, I have Steve Martin on the phone, and Artie Lang is here. The third one, not even a little bit kidding. Lauren, I have Paul McCartney on the phone, and Artie Lang is still here. I have one of the Beatles. I was once at the cellar, and I was sitting at the table, and Chris Rock sat at my table. I was once at a... You know, come on. I was once at the cellar

and I was sitting at the table and Chris Rock's at my table. Right. It was cool. I mean, I've known him a while. Yes. And then he gets a phone call.

Hey, Stevie. And it was Stevie Wonder. All from Stevie Wonder. Stevie Wonder knows how to dial a phone. I guess so. That's amazing. Who would you say

is your best friend in comedy? Do you have friends? I mean, you know. Or do you hang out with a lot of guys? I mean, you know. You're an island. I am an island, but I don't necessarily want to be an island. I'm a stat island.

Oh, no. I like that. Yeah, but, you know, do you like hanging? Do you like socializing? I don't socialize as much as I want to, actually. Really? And then sometimes I'll have lunch with someone. I'll go, why don't I fucking have lunch?

You should do this more. Yeah. But I don't know what comics do all day. No, me neither. I mean, it's an odd, some of them are, like, Dave Attell is a real mystery. Oh, he's super mysterious. Yeah. I've known him for forever.

And he's one of my best friends. I don't know what the fuck, like, I don't know what the fuck he, like, when he sleeps, when he doesn't sleep, what he's doing. There was times... He used to live in Hell's Kitchen in this building. He would call me at 5 o'clock in the morning and wake me up. He would want to talk. Then I would hear him go,

Pour some water on him. Is he breathing? Someone would be on ecstasy passing out in front of his building. He's doing paramedic work. Then he'd go, I have to go. You called me, bro. Comics are weird socially. Yeah, I mean,

and also you get a lot of, you know, if you go to the cellar, you can go there anytime and go upstairs and there's going to be someone you know there. How often,

and now, when you come to New York, where's the first club you passed? The comic strip? Did you, just because you know it? Well, I actually worked with Vic Henley helped me.

I love Vic Henley. He's a great guy. I worked with him vick henley helped me you know yeah i worked with him in florida i middled for him smart as hell funny yeah and he was nice enough to put in a word i think it he may have called he might have put in the word caroline's in then did you meet in florida yeah yeah so we worked that makes sense and i guess we hung out down there but and i think jen i don't know rich know, Richard Jenny said he would put in a, I don't know. Another nice guy. I remember I accidentally

called, I don't know, this helped, because when you start out you do jerky things. Sure. Even when you don't start out. That's why I try to be patient with like newer comics.

They're just in that phase. Yeah, I don't see you being patient, but God. But there, you know, there's an anxiousness and there's like a... Yeah, absolutely You don't know what the fuck

I'm sure you see somebody you're a fan of But I remember I called Richard Jenney At like 9 o'clock in the morning To ask him if I could use his name But it's just like I woke him up and he was nice about it I was like, what the fuck am I At 9 in the morning?

To call a road comedian? Yeah, at 9 in the morning It was just so, what was I thinking? Was this for the one-year period he was taping Platypus Man? Maybe he was up early. But a lot of, again, when you hear about a Richard Jenney killing, like, all these guys, there's a lot of tragedy in comedy. Yeah, a lot of comics are.

Yeah. Were you ever, were you ever, do you have any addiction ever? No. You never really did? No. Sure. I mean, well, you know. I'm perfect.

But are you a happy person? Oh, wow. This is your Barbara Walters interview. Are you happy? What kind of a tree would you be? I don't know. What kind of a tree would you be? I don't know if I'm happy.

I think I'm getting to be an angrier person. Yeah. Well, haven't you always been angry? I mean, that's healthy for a comedian. I mean, the healthy anger, but I feel like now I'm going like like what about just the fact you're getting old I mean 55 you're the double nickel now yeah there's double nickel

I mean you're pushing 60 I see what you're doing and you're pushing me I mean I just you know at this point you know you know it could just be like it's just hassles that fucking. Yeah.

Just little, you know. Just life in general. Calling customer service for someone. Yeah. Fucking broken something. No, everything, I mean, just getting here today. Yeah. Like, I'm on probation right now.

I got to take a urine test four times a fucking week. Like, what I did to my life. Yeah. And then, you know. You have way more to be upset than I do. You're right. I mean, than you possibly ever could have. But do you think, I mean, were you ever, are you a risk taker on any, I mean, I guess being

a comedian, you take a risk. Was there ever any other career you wanted to have? Like, did you think about advertising? Oh, yeah. I mean, I was in bands. You played a drum? Yeah. I don't play great at all.

Really? I appreciate that. You were in a band playing drums? What kind of music? I play drums just sort of like garage indie rock kind of stuff. What, classic rock? No, just more like more jangly, R.E.M.-ish kind of indie rock kind of thing. You're like a poor man's Michael Stipe. So, I mean, I do like, if I could.

You could play him in the movie. People, I've gotten literally confused for, like, people. I'm a woman at a restaurant. I was like... Is that true? Yeah, yeah, it happened. I pissed him off at a roast once.

Really? We were roasting Mario Batali, and I said, if Mike... He was sitting in the front row, and I said,

if Michael Stipe gained 50 pounds, he would look like he has age. And... Oh, no. That works as a roast joke. Yeah, he was mad

I think I took a shirt off and it said, fuck you But he, do you know him? Do I know? Do you know Stipe? I've met those guys Like, what celebrity fans, like, do you have Like I said, are there like huge celebrities who are fans? Like Elvis Costello, probably like she was

I wish he liked me But like, Slash Slash, well, I wish she liked me. But, like, Slash. Slash. Well, I met him a couple times. Yeah, he's nice. He's a fan of your stand-up. Yeah, he came to see me in... That's cool.

Like, I ran into him at a party, weirdly. Right. And he kind of looked at me and smiled. Not at the Johnny's pre-Thanksgiving party? No, no, no. I went to that this time. I didn't see anyone there. I didn't see the usual celebs.

My sister was there. She texted me and said, Todd's here. Did she? I swear to God. And why didn't she say hi to me? I could bring the text. She goes, Todd Barry's here. I said, well, say hi.

She didn't say hi. She sounded like she was standing next to you. No, it didn't seem like. I had a gig. I was at the DC Improv. Oh, okay. That's a good place. Yeah, yeah.

Oh, yeah. So then. But so Sl Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah, so then... But so Slash... So Slash, he looks at me, he smiled, and I kind of look behind me to see if there's something... Yeah, right. Because I would think the same thing. Yeah, and then I walked over and he goes, I go, hey, and he goes, hey, yeah.

And he just said he was a fan. Like, did he know jokes of yours or something? He did. Did you repeat the bunk bed joke? Well, I used to do a joke about him, actually. Oh, okay. What is it? It's just something about when a band plays with an orchestra, like a rock band.

And basically the premise is the orchestra has sheet music, but the band doesn't. It's like Slash can remember the tune, but the first chair viola player for the London Philharmonic. That's a pretty good joke. That's a great joke. So he told me. He goes, yeah, I know that. So then I sort of knew. The first chair of my own. I sort of knew, like, his, someone who was having the party or whatever, who knew him.

And I said, can you get him, like, a CD of mine? And he goes, yeah. So I gave him the CD and they mailed it to him. And he emailed me. And what do you do? You ask him to tweet it or something? No, I didn't ask for anything. I was just kind of like, okay.

No, but I mean, he is as big as a rock star. I guess it's odd that he wouldn't know you. Yeah, and then he... Not odd, but I mean, it's cool. But we haven't really been in touch much lately, but there were times where he, during our heyday... I mean, were you ever in touch a lot? Well, the thing is, I would be in touch sometimes, but also...

Like, would you call him? I would invite him to shows. He came to London. He came from off a plane and into a show in London. Oh, no shit. That's cool. But he would write me back quicker than any close friend of mine ever. It was like seconds.

I'll tell you why. Because he's off drugs, man. That's what you do. I have nothing to do. I am so bored now that I'm clean. Because it just made me. If you get clean, you text Todd Berry back immediately.

No, I mean, but that's, he's probably focused. In the coke and heroin days, he's not getting it. But I was always like, I went to see him. Yeah. What just happened? That was the producer telling me to do a commercial.

Go ahead. I went to see him, and he got me in this balcony. Like Velvet Underground or Solo? Solo, yeah. With Miles Kennedy. And he was checking up on me. Did you get the good seats that I gave you? No kidding.

He's backstage texting me to make sure. He seems like a real smart guy. But then, I don't know. I wished him a happy birthday sure. He seems like a real smart guy. Yeah. Yeah. But then, I don't know. I haven't. I wished him a happy birthday recently. He wrote back. But that's it. He got right back in.

Whenever. I can't say we were friends. Yeah, I was going to say. It didn't sound like you were, like, hanging out. No, no, no. But he was nice. Tom, you're going to love this. You know, there's one comic I love.

Actor I love. I think you're a good friend to him, right? Bob Odenkirk. I love him. I know Bob. Yeah, yeah. I love him. Do you talk to Bob as much as you talk to Slash?

No. I talk to Bob when I run into him. He's funny. Yeah. Odenkirk's funny. You're going to love him. I know Bob. Yeah, yeah. I love him. Do you talk to Bob as much as you talk to Slash? No. I talk to Bob when I run into him. He's funny. Yeah. Odin Kirk's funny. You're going to love this. You might be interested in this. Arnie Lang's Halfway House is brought to you by Blue Chew.

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When I play blackjack, I always reach that point and go, oh, I can see how someone gets addicted to it. Absolutely. I get. It's pretty good. You win a couple of times. One more time. There's one more I really win.

But then why don't you get addicted to it? You're able to stop. I don't know. I get it. It's better if you win a couple of times. One more time. Just one more. I really win. But then why don't you get addicted to it? You're able to just stop. I don't know. I just, yeah. I'm pretty good about going, oh, I just made $60. I'm going to walk away. See, I'm not going to think it's... But I totally can wrap my head around why someone would be addicted.

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the promo code ARTIE when creating your account to claim the bonus. You play, you win, you get paid. Would you ever consider doing a podcast like this? Like where you host a... I have a podcast. I know, but I'm leaning into that. Do you like doing that? Do you read stuff like that, like I just read?

No, I don't. I have separate... My commercials are separate. I said I didn't want to read them. That's what I should have done. I just read? No, I don't. I have separate. My commercials are separate. Oh, okay. I said I didn't want to read them. Yeah, me too. That's what I should have done. I think I have the power to do that. It's a little awkward.

I'm an artist, though. That's good. I know. You wouldn't have a blue shoe on? Could I read? Oh, no. Mike, I'm sorry. Oh, Mike.

I'm sorry, guys. This will take an hour. Catch every episode of the Audie Lang's Halfway House for free at Comic... Fuck. Let me start this again. Sorry. Go ahead. Catch every episode of Audie Lang's Halfway House for free at thecomicsgym.com and special thanks to Fanny Company

for helping us secure a sponsorship and to Pro Media Studios in Times Square, Manhattan, New York City, baby. If you understood that, please, please take note. Okay, speaking of voiceovers, I'm stunned at all your animated work. Like, Squidbillies, okay? So you make a lot of money doing that, too, then.

I wouldn't say I make a lot of money, but I... You were great. You were on Dr. Katz. I remember those days. I love Dr. Katz. That's a great show. And, you know, I mean, you've done a lot of... I remember the Chevy Chase roast on Fry's Club.

Yeah, I did the Chevy Chase roast. You call it six blistering minutes, you call that. Did I? That's what you said once. Huh. I remember your shit a lot. Wow. You said, we were doing Greg Fitzsimmons' podcast, and you said, watch me on the Chevy Chase roast.

It's six blistering minutes. I remember when you got my stuff right on the Stern Show. Absolutely. And I remember the story, like, I guess you guess you gave me the CD, you gave the CD to Baba Booey. Baba Booey. Yeah. Baba Booey, like, had him, Howard listened to it, like, between commercials. He loved it. He came back from a commercial and played it.

Yes. Yeah. That's so cool. Nah, he loved it. Did you write, you sent him for the news for that? Did you come in? I came in twice. Yeah, yeah, I remember. I don't know. I don't know if they loved me. Well, he doesn't like comedians anymore. No? Except Chelsea Handler, for some reason. And Ellen. I mean, you know, the animated stuff, I think you have a voice that, you know.

Yeah, I like doing that. Did you have a lot of network deals? Like, back in that day, like we all had here and there? I had a holding deal that was then renewed. For casting. It was renewed. Yeah, I mean, it was. That's good news.

It's kind of an unbelievable thing to be like, here's an amount of money to not negotiate with other networks. I had a couple of them. When I was like, I don't even, I'm not that interested in negotiating with others, but you better fucking give me some money to hold me. And it got renewed? It got renewed, and I was like, I wasn't even like,

I mean, I turned down auditions with. Yeah, that's right right exactly and that's what you have to do to get the money but i mean i got turned down i turned down others then they renewed i was like oh man yeah that was a power move on my part let me ask you something so like the joke with the with the orchestra like the viola like you come up with that premise like how how long do you settle on like the reference of the first chair viola like how long does that take i don on like the reference of the first chair Viola? Like how long does that take? I don't know. I mean,

that's one of those, I mean, that's like a perfect way to put it. Yeah. Yeah. How long does it take to write a joke like that from the time you, some jokes of mine take, you know,

they come out sort of good right from the, out of the gate. Then there's other, does that really need to be labored? And it's also just hard for me. Cause if something doesn't work, I get really frustrated. I'm impatient. Let me, as a fellow comedian, paint the picture.

So you're probably watching a video and you see Guns N' Roses with the orchestra. Yeah. And you notice that Slash is not reading the music. Well, I just noticed that the orchestra is diligently reading this music. That's probably they could play in their fucking sleep. How long does it go from there to the perfection of the first viol viola oh god i don't i mean do you try it on stage oh yeah i usually just i don't write it out i mean i've tried to do that but you write so you you you riff on stage right i work it out on stage and that's and that's the crowd work too

yeah the crowd work doesn't really get a lot of Generate a lot of material But it's fun So do you ever like I mean, so a lot of it is totally like You don't reuse shit No, no, no I mean, sometimes you go down the same road Like you meet some drummer or something

And they kind of have similar things Another thing I remember about you Again, stand-up New York In the late 90s Rosie O'Donnell comes in And bumps you And does like an hour and 10 minutes and destroys.

I mean, you're just yelling about shit. And then they said, do you not want to go up? And you went up while people were leaving and you said, and you got the crowd back. You got people to sit back down. Really? Because people started, the first thing you said was, by the way, Rosie and I on our tour, she'll be opening for me all around the country. Did I say that?

Yeah. She does an hour and 10 minutes and then I do 25. Oh, that's pretty fun. People laughed and they sat back down. I like following famous dropouts. Yeah, well, but see, because you're, yeah. You think it's easy? Maybe not Kinison would have been easy, but.

But in a club, like in a club where it's a showcase. Because then they get excited. Yeah, I mean, I wouldn't go up after Chappelle at Radio City Music Hall. After 11 hours? Yeah, yeah. But they're just so, everyone's in a good mood. If you make any reference to it. You're right, exactly.

It's easier in a club. When you do The Road, do you do theaters? I'm trying. Well, my new tour, I'm calling the Todd Berry Stadium Tour, which I think Motley Crue's ripped off my fucking name. I fucking hate when Motley Crue rips off a comedy show. But they did announce their own stadium tour shortly after I announced mine. Oh, is that true?

Mine's funnier because they're actually playing stadiums. Maybe you can call your friend Slash and see if you can call him. Yeah, do a cease and desist or something. So when you say tour, where are you going? I'm going to Portland, Seattle. Are you playing at clubs? I'm trying to play little theaters. This next tour, I'm trying to play bigger theaters for me,

like 600, 700 seats, which is kind of big for me. But that's great, though. Yeah, I can't fill much more than that, and I don't even know if I'll fill that. Are you going to do a special? If I have, I still need some jokes. How many have you done? I've done two hour specials,

plus the third one, the crowd work special. Now, is the reason you did the crowd work one, not just that you're good at it, you didn't have the material? crowd work special. Now, is the reason you did the crowd work one, not just that you're good at it, you didn't have the material? I was just kind of, I had just released a Comedy Central special. Okay. And I was like, I can't go on the road and repeat any of these jokes, which is bullshit.

Of course. And I'd go, why don't I do a whole crowd work special? And I'd just kind of like, wow, why don't I do a crowd work show? By the way, it's great. Yeah. The crowd work thing. Oh, you saw the special? Oh, absolutely.

Absolutely. So then I filmed the second one and then second tour leg of the tour and then yeah my sister is a big fan should I try to

hook that up or is she too old for you now is she too yeah she's still you're a bit lecherous she aged she didn't age

as bad as me she's still very pretty. I'll hang out with your sister. I'll meet her for a coffee. See how that goes. So I could take it that far? So what about, like, have you ever come close to getting married and stuff like that? No, I mean, I've had girlfriends.

I had one up until like a year and a half ago. How does that go, like, with you? Oh, it's great. It's easy. What can a lady, what can a lady, if she's looking to audition

to be Mrs. Todd Barry, what can a lady look for in dating? Like, a club scene, dancing? Applebee? Basically, yeah, just...

What is it like? A lot of laughs. A lot of laughs. Of course, I'm sure. Not a lot of dancing. Yeah, not... A lot of Thai food. A lot of laughs. Of course, I'm sure. Not a lot of dancing. Yeah, not... A lot of Thai food. A lot of Thai food.

And so, like, how long is the longest relationship you've had? Actually, the longest one I had was my first ever girlfriend, and that was decades ago. And that was three and a half years. When was that, high school, college? College, yeah. I was a late bloomer. That's...

But, I mean, a lot of comics were, yeah. Most comedians are. And that was just, yeah, that lasted. But do you think, could you see yourself being married? I kind of, it's not like a priority, but I would do it. Yeah, but, I mean, I've had three fiancées, and the last one, my fiancée, Adrienne, very beautiful, younger, and she said something so smart. She said, you like the life of a comic comic and even my crazy maniac drug life, too. She's like, you like that chaos and the life of a comedian more than you'll ever love any person.

And that's sad to me. I mean – Well, she's talking about you, not me. Yeah, right. So there's none of that. I'm going to marry her. I mean, because a lot of men, especially comedians, people in show business, because it's insane narcissism that we have. I mean, wouldn't you agree with that?

You don't think you're narcissistic? I mean, you can be narcissistic and work at Wendy's. Yeah, but a lot of people think. You know what I mean? It's like this. Yeah, but I'm saying people at Wendy's, I think, can make a relationship work more than comedians. I was having a conversation with someone the other day about this and I was like, you know, comedians are tough to date.

Well, half the world gets divorced. That's not because of comedians. Yeah. I'm not talking about statistics. I'm just talking about you. It's like, don't you think, because you realize that a woman is a human being with feelings and needs and like she doesn't want to hear about

you know, I don't know. I hear about, you know, uh, I don't know. I, I, I find that, you know, again, I think I'm too narcissistic to be married. Really? Yeah. That's me. Yeah. I, I think that, uh, I, I think that this, this, this, this business that we chose is life is, is all we want to do deep down.

And not, and the other stuff is just bullshit. Well, I mean, I... Like, I find when I'm on the road, what I don't like about it now is, like, like, I just was in Bangkok, Thailand, and I did a show there. Yeah. And I was walking around by myself,

and I'm like, wow, this is, like, I've never seen anything like this place. But I was still kind of like, it'd be fun to kind of, like, have someone next to me. Absolutely. But how long would that last, though? Ten-day vacation.

Three days and she would change her flight and go home. So what has ended the relationships? Well, I don't want to get too personal, but I was going to think of some dramatic thing. Well, when you're in prison, it's hard to... I shouldn't have made a prison joke. Speaking of... Motherfucker. We'll cut that out.

How do you find the younger audiences, like the millennial crowd at the cellar? Your material is foolproof, though. Yeah, it's not foolproof, but it's not... I don't talk about race or really... It's pretty safe, my material. You never... I mean, if you write a joke about race, that's a rule.

I mean, you know, if you say something, if it gets funny. Yeah, I mean, I think you can write. Are subjects that are taboo for you? No, I mean, there's things that I, there's jokes I would laugh at but never say. Right. Ah, okay. You know, like I'll go see Doug Stanoff and I'll go, this guy's amazing. Yeah.

But I wouldn't have the balls to say 90%. But not because you're offended by it, just because it's not you. Right. It's not me. Yeah, yeah. And sometimes, you know, a comic will say something like, I actually don't agree with you, but you made me laugh with that. Yeah. Like, get her done or something?

Well, you know, I— Does it piss you off that Larry the Cable Guy has a basketball court in his house? You know that he started—he's one of the guys I started with in Florida. He drove me to one of my first gigs. Seriously. He drove me in his Firebird or Camaro. I never can tell those parts. They're the same fucking car.

He got me a guest set at Ron Bennington's club in Clearwater, Florida. Ron Bennington, who actually saw my absolute first appearance. Good man. Ron Bennington was the headliner. Oh, really? On the open mic at the Coconuts Comedy Club. I love Ron, absolutely. But no, I was playing the Columbus, Ohio Funny Bone in the mall.

And like 20 years ago or something, or 22 years ago. And I see a picture. I knew Dan Whitney as Dan Whitney. I knew of him. Yeah. And I saw a picture of some guy in a cable outfit. I said, what the fuck is that and the guy goes that's the character he's doing the cable guy and i said that's the worst

thing i've ever heard like like he's got to immediately stop doing that cut to him with a jet my fingers never been on the pulse of america i've also never been like you know there's always the comic who's like this guy's the you know people trash and i was like why do you what why are you so upset about that no i'm not upset about it i understand because there are people who like waste their time with like reviewing being critical like and also there's comics who i don't like but i get why people who are they see you have integrity is that now listen is it because you're really being a nice guy you're afraid to get canceled out by Joy Behar? No, I mean, people used to...

Well, Carrot Top was another guy I started with. Right. Oh, okay. I met him. Nice guy. Very nice guy. Yeah. But people used to use him as a punchline.

He was the guy to go to. It's like, he's got a silly act. He's not pretending he doesn't have a silly act. Right. And he's... Right. And first of all, I forget to bring fucking socks on the road. This guy's remembering

bundles of shit. Truffles or stuff. Doesn't that amaze you about prop acts? Jeff Dunham has added 18 dummies to his fucking for one line a piece. Right. But he's like a guy who can have, he probably has three handlers

traveling with him. Well, now, yeah. Did he invent the helicopter? You've got to remember the dummy. That guy's been around for a long time. Like, he was in, when I was in Florida over 30 years. He's got to be 60 years old. People said that he. 65.

He used to get standing ovations mid-show. Seriously. That or a guitar act is tough to follow. Did he invent the helicopter? Something like that, right? He invented the helicopter? I think it was really. You're thinking of Sikorsky. I don't think. I don't think Larry Donovan. I don't the helicopter? Something like that, right? He invented the helicopter? I think it was Sikorsky. I don't think

Jeff Donovan invented the helicopter. It predates him. They were in like World War... He invented something. He's a super smart guy. He invented the little light bulb. The guy who could throw his voice also invented the... Oh, by the way voice also invented the helicopter.

Oh, by the way, he invented the helicopter. Wouldn't that be the first thing on your credit? He's done three snitch shows. Oh, and he invented the helicopter. He'll be at the Prudential Center for inventing the helicopter. Did you really think Jeff Dunham invented the helicopter? No, not just something like a device similar to that. Also, the Wright brothers have a great prop back.

Something similar to that, though. I forgot what it was. There's nothing even close to similar to the helicopter. That's funny. Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone. He was 28. Really? Like, what do you do after that?

I know. That is funny. Like, you just keep bringing in new inventions. Like, nah, it's not making it. Well, Todd, I mean, listen, I tell you the truth. I'm glad we had this conversation. We never, even when I drove you home, you were always sort of, you know. Yeah, I turn it on when I'm in a podcast.

I turn up the heat. You're always sort of morose. Quite frankly, I used to worry about you. Really? I don't know. I always thought maybe you were suicidal or something. Oh, wow.

But you're not. You're happier than you appear. Well, let's not go crazy. What do you think you would do without comedy? Do you think, is comedy like your,

you know, what would you have done without this? Play the drums? I don't know. I mean, I don't want to be like,

I couldn't have done anything. No, clearly you could have done, you could have earned a living. Maybe, I'd probably be a lawyer or a brain surgeon. Can you, are you inventing the helicopter? Which is a big, that's a big alternative for comics. Yeah, I can, I mean, I would like to still invent the helicopter.

Jeff Dunham was a huge part of the Industrial Revolution. You know, it would be funny? If we finished this podcast and found out that Mike was right. Mike was right about anything. Not just that. Wow, Jeff Dunham invented that. Well, that's the problem with this generation. That might get on the internet because of this show.

And some kid goes, well, Jeff Dunham invented that. Some kid in fucking Asshole State in Northern California. Listen, I don't want to make you jealous, but here are my tour dates. New Year's Eve, I'm at the Ague Theater in Albany. That's a nice place. January 3rd and 4th, the Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. January 10th,

Count Basie Theater in Red Bank. January 24th, the Keswick Theater in Glenside, PA. January 25th, Mock Chunk Opera House in Jim Thorpe, PA. January 31st and February 1st, Levity Live in West Nyack. Vegas, Florida, Arizona coming up. I don't know. They're on fire. You're playing big places.

I'm trying to stack money. I have to stack money. But I don't know. It's like careers. I remember Dennis Miller. I talked to Dennis Miller once. I talked to him about getting fired from that Monday Night Football thing. And he goes, who fucking cares? It's a fucking showbiz job.

They come and go. Don't you feel it? It comes in waves. The thing I like about it is it constantly changes. I wouldn't like. Howard Stern has done Letterman. Howard gets up. He's been at that microphone for 40 years every day.

He deserves that money, man. Could you do something like that? Would you want something to last for 20 years? I wouldn't. I've already been doing comedy 30 years. I'm not talking about Stan. I'm talking about just one show. It becomes like an office job. Yeah, I do think when I see

hosting a late night talk show, it seems like every day you have to think about it. It's like writing a new hour every day. Even though you have help. I remember when Jimmy Fallon got the job on The Tonight Show, he goes from, you know, touring and making movies, which is a constant change. Like a movie star, that's the life. Every two months you do something different.

Right. I think that some people, I mean, if you have a family, then you come home to your kids every night. But it becomes like, because, you know, everything gets, everything that's like sort of tense in the beginning and exciting gets routine and even that because so now it's like okay who the fuck what asshole's movie am i plugging now and i don't know it just would be nightmarish to me but you have a trillion dollars that's the thing would you like to host a talk show um i don't i mean i don't No. It's not something I've ever, no, let's just go no.

There's executives listening. Does he want to? Should we ask, offer him this talk show? Were your parents, was your dad, like, and your mother as a stenographer, two respectable positions? Were they disappointed that you became a comedian? No, I don't think so. Because you did Letterman early. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Was that your, I remember doing Letterman. That was the biggest thing for me. That was like your Tonight Show, Carson. Yeah, that was a pretty big deal. Yeah. I mean, and you killed – I remember your first Letterman. Yeah, I mean, my first joke didn't work that well. What was it?

Something about the subway. Well, also, you know, it's funny. When you tour – I guess it's not true anymore because it's been so long, but when you tour the this is a great Todd Berry joke. When you used to tour tourists would go see the Empire State Building. Oh, God. One of your jokes was when you're walking through, because I knew the joke

because I saw you do it. Right. And my cousins were in from Ohio, and I took them to see the Empire State, which I had never done before. Typical like New Yorker. And I'm going through, and all of a sudden, as they're introing the tour, you hear Todd's voice, and it's the bit where, which I had never done before. Typical, like, New Yorker. And I'm going through, and all of a sudden, like, as they're introing the tour, you hear Todd's voice, and it's the bit where, the bit is you had a job as a messenger

on a bicycle when you first came to New York, and your boss was condescending. Yeah, there was something with, um, it wasn't a bicycle, but it was that kind of job, a delivery job, and the guy, someone gave me the address, it's 350 Fifth Avenue, it's the Empire State. I don't remember, and I was like, gave me the address. It's 350 Fifth Avenue. It's the Empire State Building. I don't remember, and I was like, oh, can you

give me a landmark? Is there a Burger King in it? Yeah. I wouldn't want to waste the company's money driving around all day looking for that 110-story tower. Wow, your memory is ridiculous. Absolutely, dude.

I'm a fan, bro. You know, that reminds me of another celebrity who I found out liked me. I did a show outside of Northern California. That's a great segue. This weird place called Sally Tomatoes, which is this weird kind of complex. Right. And nothing fancy at all. And I did the show.

It was like 150 people there. And then I'm kind of standing in the hallway afterwards. And then Lars from Metallica walks up. So rock stars. Yeah, and he was doing what you did, where he was rattling off jokes. We're like, I don't even remember that. I mean, now I remember.

That's when you know you're a comic, like sort of has done a lot of shit. You'll remember my favorite joke you did. It's kind of exciting, though. It's very exciting. It makes me feel like, oh, maybe I am prolific. But don't you wish you would say that in front of a smoking hot chick?

Like, don't you wish it would be like Megan Fox who said that to you instead of Lars or Slick? Oh, that's happening. That's happening. Did you date Moon Union and Zappa? No. You didn't? Because I remember you came home. That was the coolest thing ever because I was a Frank Zappa fan. Oh, okay. I like that.

What do you want to plug? You got a website? What do you got? I got ToddBerry.com worth my tour dates. Is it really called the stadium? It is. 2020 stadium tour. It's coming all over the country. When's this going to be on? Later in the week. Couple days. Oh, really? Couple days, yeah. I have a New York show

on December 22nd at City Vineyard, which is a new venue, which I'd never been to. Is that the one down by the Holland Tunnel? That city winery? It used to be city. It's the same people. Okay, yeah.

See, that location is no longer there. And now it's City Vineyard. It's called City Vineyard. Yeah, and that's December 22nd. That would be a great place to see it. Yeah, it's a small little room. But then I have, you know, dates all over the country. Yeah.

So go to ToddBarry.com. And then click on Shows if you really want the shortcut. Yeah. So, so go to ToddBarry.com. And then click on shows if you really want to, the shortcut. Yeah, go nuts, plug it away. Yeah, click on shows

on the website if you can't figure out how to figure out where my shows are. Todd, listen, I know you're a very busy man. Uh-huh.

I appreciate you coming in, dude. Thanks for having me. That was great. That was great. Mike, any closing words? Todd,

it was so great to see you. You were one of my favorite comics. One of What happened? Jeff Dunham invented the helicopter. That's the title of the episode. Thanks, Todd. See you next time.