Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 17-JEFF ROSS

Episode Date: January 8, 2020

Artie Lange and Mike Bocchetti start 2020 by spending time with the Roastmaster General, comic Jeff Ross!  Presented by TheComicsGym.com Thanks to MyBookie.ag - If you're going to wager this weekend go to bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus. Thanks to Blue Chew. Go to BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE (just pay $5 shipping) when you use the promo code ARTIE

How was that for a clap, Mikey? Very brutal. Very brutal. I like it. Bartolak's Halfway House, me and Mike Boschetti, my co-host. How you doing, Mike. I like it. Bartolak's halfway house. Me and Mike Boschetti, my co-host. How you doing, Mike? I'm good, Art.

I was just, did you see the Golden Globes? I know you're going to be with me. I haven't seen the Golden Globes. I heard about it, though. Selma Heimlich.

How do you fucking say her last name? Not Heimlich. Not Selma Heimlich. Selma Heimlich? She's not a maneuver. She's fucking spoiling hard for it.

Here's the thing. She started getting a little weight. Actually, I tweeted out she looked like Selma Kayak. No, fucking boiling hot. Here's the thing. She started getting a little weight. Actually, I tweeted out she looked like Selma Kayak. No, but that weight is voluptuous. No, again, there's a couple of scenes in a couple of movies in history where some chick is just as hot as hot gets, and it's instant jerking off.

Oh, yeah. And one of them is her in that Dust Till Dawn when she does that striptease. But then her head turns into a snake. It's like, what the fuck? Christina Ricci's another one. Yeah, you know, I like her, too. But, no, Selma Hayek, she's like stripper hot, classy hot, whatever, in that Dust Till Dawn. But that's 25 fucking years ago.

She's still hot, though. Maybe more. You've got to see it. So, no, she's kind of looked like she hit the wall. And I know she's got a movie coming out now. Oh, yeah. I didn't see her. She's that hot in there.

But that wall is fucking great to be on. Oh, my God. That is just the creepiest thing. That was like an episode of Forensic Files. If there was a string of murders in Staten Island of Mexican women who looked like Selma Hayek, they would point to that piece of tape. When I see her, I feel like going,

I could love a reaver,ba, like Speedy Gonzalez. Yeah, I'm sure she'll be really turned on by that, your racist fucking take on Mexicans. What would your line be to Salma Hayek? You'd go up and go, Iba, Iba, Iba, Iba, Iba, Iba. Do you remember Speedy Gonzalez? And she would slap you across the face,

and her security team hopefully would shoot you with a bazooka. No, but I would say to her, you're incredibly beautiful and amazing and a great actress. Yeah, she goes, thank you, bye. She went in

and did one of these. What is her voice like? I didn't hear her talk. I don't know. She sounds like a Mexican broad. Really? I just looked at her. She's got a little bit

of an accent. But then, you know what determined you about her? I can't help to get this out of my mind. She did that movie, Frida, where she got the one eyebrow.

Oh, no. I hate that. Oh, she got a watchy-watchy? Oh She did that movie Frida where she got the one eyebrow. Oh, no. I hate that. She got all Archie Fawchee? No, I'm saying, but she got one eyebrow. She got like Groucho Marx's fucking eyebrows in the movie. And I don't know. I don't like that. Groucho didn't look that good in his life, though.

I don't like too much hair on a brood. I don't. No, I don't want to fucking, I don't want, you know, to go out there with a sleaze stack. What? Oh, that was a TV show. I'm sorry. Sleestack. Sleestack?

You don't want a Sleestack? Yeah, well, listen. You don't want a hairy broad. What's that fucking name? God damn it. One of those fucking hairy apes that they've been trying to find for centuries. Sasquatch?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want that. Although that one Sasquatch got huge tits. You know that famous videotape of Sasquatch? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You don't want that. Although that one Sasquatch got huge tits. You know that famous videotape of Sasquatch? It's kind of like, it looks like you. Oh, God. But it's got enormous tits. Could there really be a Sasquatch or it's a manufacturing?

Well, that was a fake. That came out to be a fake piece of tape. But whoever it was, I think it was Dolly Parton or something. Because it's funny how they made a Sasquatch and it was a phony. It was like a scam. But the thing had enormous tits. The Loch Ness Monster might be bullshit too probably, right? That's complete bullshit.

Yeah, Mike. Complete. Santa Claus, all bullshit. Oh. Yeah. How old were you when you found out there was no Santa? I think it was last year. I mean, who the fuck?

I mean, what about you? I was 10. 10? Devastating. That's late. That's late, right? That's late. And my brother got really-

Usually after five or six, you're like, okay, mom's eating the cook. Dad's eating the cookies. Mom's writing the notes. My brother was a dick to my dad before he found out there was no Santa Claus. What happened? My brother was a real dick to my dad after he said that to him, right? What'd he say to him? He goes like this, Al, there's no Santa Claus.

My brother just turns around- Like it was a big event, he sat him down, like an official thing? I knew already by the time I was a couple years older than him. He sat him down, and my dad, out of the blue, my brother goes... And you knew it was coming. Yeah, he goes to him, Al, there's no Santa Claus. My brother, without even thinking twice, goes,

I guess that explains why we got all those shitty gifts all those years. Oh, wow. Because Dad was Santa Claus. Remember, my father, just to bust my balls, was even more disappointing, said Santa Claus was black. That really disappointed us.

No, but you were 10 years old when you met that guy? Yeah, I was heartbroken, too. I cried almost. Oh, what a little pussy. No, I was like, no. I wish there was a video

that was super 8 of you in the early 70s crying. I cried over a lot of ridiculous, even when I got drunk, as a grown man, I was crying over stuff like that. About the Santa Claus news? Well, remember those...

You would get drunk at the age of 28 and go... No, no. Yeah, no. Yeah, because like... My God. How fucking pathetic is that? No, but the thing is, like, with those Christmas time like, claymation character shows, like Santa Claus is Coming to Town, things like that. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. The year without a Santa Claus is the best with a Heatmiser and Snowmiser. shows, like Santa Claus is Coming to Town, things like that. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The year without a Santa Claus is the best without Heatmiser and Snowmiser. Yeah, but I... You look like Heatmiser. No, but I was crying. I hated them. Even Magician,

he gave Frosty a nightmare when I got drunk. I'm Mr. Heatblister. I'm Mr. Fun. Da-da-da. I was crying. I'm Mr. Sun Sister. I'm Mr. A Hundred and One.

I get on purpose to get drunk and watch them. Just the goof on them. At what age was this? Like 11? 28, 29. You would purposely get drunk? Watch them when I was drunk. Watching Claymation.

I was crying about it. I go, don't worry, Penny. He's made a Christmas snow. You know, they have a problem with the year without a Santa Claus. That it's like the reindeer training., you know, the reindeer training? Oh, yeah. First of all, Rudolph's dad is such a dick. He's a psycho pet.

He really is a dick. He's like, all right, Rudolph, nobody wants you. That's his father. The other, you know, Prancer's kid and Dancer's kid and all those jerk-off reindeer kids, all asshole bullies. And then his dad has got the whistle, and you think, okay, it's his dad, and he goes, yeah, you're a weirdo with that red nose. And so now, like, they don't want to show it because it's supposedly, it's a toxic workplace.

The reindeer training course is a toxic workplace. Rudolph should have blew his head off with a shotgun in the middle of the night. Well, there you go, there's Mike. There's the real Mike getting drunk and wanting to blow everybody's head off. I mean, where did that come from? That's a little odd, dude.

No, but so is it. But so is people crying about, you know what I mean, breaking things down, every fucking thing we do now. That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous. The fact that someone

goes back and watches that shit. Yeah, now you saw Ricky Gervais on the Golden Globes went nuts. And he should have. You support this? Yeah. But he kind of bombed, right?

But who cares? He didn't care, but Tom Hanks came to look like he wanted to murder him. Well, listen, Tom Hanks will do what he wants, man. Tom Hanks is basically a god. But, you know, I mean, he got, again, he's saying don't be political. He's right, though, in a way. Am I right or wrong? But I'm sure those idiots didn't listen to him.

No. Who won the big awards? You remember? Give us your, here's Mike's Golden Globe wrap-up. But I'm sure those idiots didn't listen to him. No. Who won the big awards? You remember? Here's Mike's Golden Globe wrap-up. Well, I just seen Spanish Girls Big Tits. What's her name again? This has been Mike's Golden Globe wrap-up.

Thank you. Thank you. Now we're from our former sponsor. What is that? That's your wrap-up? I saw the Mexican Girls Big Tits. You mean Selma Hayek? Hayek, but then Hayek.

Selma Kayek. No, but also what he called, Ricky had some balls and they were fucking pissed at him. You know, what happened? He said about. But he's got a billion dollars. The office is all over the fucking world, right? What does he give a shit? They can't listen. They keep hiring him, right?

It's like the third time he did it. He does the same shit every time. Well, he explained in his own way, they shouldn't just, in a way, he said, just stick to doing your work and you shouldn't be involved in politics. Look, if there's a comedian who has a problem with what Ricky Gervais did, they're just an asshole. I mean,

I love it. How do you not love that? Who cares if he bombs or not? It's fantastic. It's fantastic that somebody says that. It is kind of cool the producers let it happen because Oh, yeah. Because I would assume that there's no big Hollywood ass kiss fest than the producers of the fucking Golden Globes. No.

They just let it. I mean, to get a guy to do it, you know what it is? Probably about ratings. It's money. Of course. The ratings probably go up because he gives them shit. I guarantee you more than half of the people in that room would love to say what he said but don't have the guts to say it. Well, no, again,

I don't think so. I don't think actors have the brains to say it. I don't think they have the ability to have that point of view. Some of them do. But a lot of them are just fucking morons. He said that he goes they're basically living not like regular people and are out of touch with stuff. You know, an actor doesn't have to be a

bright person. You know, as a matter of fact, you have to kind of be, like, not logical. Like, Chris Tucker's great in a movie. Chris Rock, I think, is underrated in movies, but he's not as good as Chris Tucker in a movie. But Chris Tucker's not as great as a comedian as Chris Rock. And I think it'd be, because the comedians, that's the genius part.

That's the really smart part, the stand-up. But in a movie, say, like, an acting class, they say, pretend to be a tree. A logical, intelligent person. I'm not a fucking tree. Of course. I'm not going to pretend to be a tree. But an, intelligent person. I'm not a fucking tree. Of course. I'm not going to pretend to be a tree.

But an idiot will go, I'm a tree, I'm a tree. No, they will. But if they get lost in it and a good director, you know,

they can make them brilliant in a movie. What do you call it? I did it in an acting class a year ago. My Elmwood or Oak? How'd that go? They got a little annoyed

at me for being a wise ass. Yeah, so, I mean, well, they're two different trees. I could see you getting confused. You took an acting class? Yeah, I took a couple of them. When was that?

After you found out there was no Santa Claus? Alright, Rudolph! Rudolph's dad sounds like your dad probably was. Alright, get the fuck out of here. I'm thinking about that. Rudolph's father was such a prick. That's Rudolph's dad. And he's getting bullied. Alright, guys, my son's a prick. That's Rudolph's dad. And he's getting bullied.

You're right, guys. My son's a cunt. He's always bullied. My son's a real red-nosed cunt, I'll tell you. Get him out of here. But the thing is, now they want to ban that, I think. I mean, what the fuck? What the fuck for Spongebob Christmas or Dora the fucking

asshole explorer Christmas? Oh, you know what they give a whole time to? Hannah and her fucking... Remember Frito-Brent? You know, we grew up to this. That was racist. Oh, sure, yeah. I mean, I want to do a segment on the show, Mike,

tell me what you think. Great moments in racism. And a lot of them, you know, we'll have, we'll certainly have, you know, Jimmy the Greek. We'll have Al Campanus. You know, we'll have a lot of the stuff you've done. I want to put you in blackface. Of course, the Canadian guy in blackface.

Morton Downey. All that stuff. But the real classic moments in racism are back in the cartoon days. Of course. The 1940s, those Warner Brothers cartoons

or whatever, like what Little Rascals will have, Stymie, The Lost Tapes. The World War II ones with Bugs Bunny and those guys. Yeah, like there's always a porter

with huge lips and the lip is like coming down. Or Dappy Duck closes his eyes with tape making him Japanese. Oh, absolutely. Some of the Asian stuff is fantastic. Fantastic. But now what you mentioned was- That's just funny.

What Falkorn Lakehorn called that rooster kid after being gay, right? I used to talk about that in my stand-up. Falkorn Lakehorn, there's the best episode of Falkorne Lagorne and he might be my favorite cartoon character ever. First of all, it's Mel Blanc doing like a step and fetch

like, hello there! I'll say, I'll say, what's the matter, boy? It's just the voice itself. But there's an episode where he has to babysit the kid of the hen. Eggbride's name

is something like that, right? Yeah, the little hen kid. He was like a super small kid. And the cool thing is he wanted to fuck the hen. First of all, the episode starts off where he has nowhere to go. He sees a cold winter's coming in the paper. I'll say, I'll say, it says, coldest winter ever. I need a place to sleep.

Oh, look. Look, the hen's got an empty bed in a hen house. So he goes, I know. He's like so, it's all deception. He goes, I'll pretend to love the little woman, and I'll get a place to sleep. He just pretends. He goes, I'll pretend to love the little woman, and I'll get a place to sleep. He just pretends. He fakes her out. So he goes, he shows up at the barn door, and he goes, here, honey, here's some flowers.

Here's some chocolate. Okay, courtship over. Where do I sleep? And she goes, not there. Not there. That's where Junior sleeps. And he goes, who's this Junior? So now he's mad at Junior because he's sleeping in his bed.

So the whole thing is he tries to get friendly with Junior. Junior's a little kid who's like a nerdy kid with glasses on. And Foghorn Leghorn's trying to teach the kid to play baseball. But the kid doesn't want to play baseball because he's a smart kid. He wants to do like math equations. So Foghorn Leghorn really says this. He goes, it's a baseball

son. Haven't you ever seen a baseball before? And the kid goes, no. And Foghorn Leghorn says, haven't you ever a baseball before? And the kid goes, no. And Foghorn Leghorn says, haven't you ever played baseball before? And the kid goes, no. And Foghorn looks at the camera and goes, I'll say to something yee about a boy who's never played baseball. Clearly calling the kid homosexual. The message is if you don't want to play baseball because you're good at math, you're gay. That's the message of the cartoon.

Yee, I'll say to something ye something about a boy who's never played baseball. I guarantee if you go into any of this stuff, you'll go even deeper on certain things. Oh, no, absolutely. It's sexist. It's racist. It's crazy. But the thing is, that's how people learn those things.

It's anti-Asian, whatever that is. What's that mean? Asiaphobic? What's anti-Asian? If you're anti-Asian, what is that. What's that mean? Asiafobic? What's anti-Asian? If you're anti-Asian, what is that? I don't know. Asiafobic? Maybe you don't like sushi.

I don't know. Jesus Christ. How did you actually make whatever the racist name is sounds more racist? You actually just went, I may not like sushi. That sounds like a stat now. Maybe I hate sushi. That doesn't even make any sense. No, because you're one of those really crazy, right?

Sushi-phobic? I was ordered sushi. I'll say to some yee about Mike. I was eating sushi, enjoying it, loving it, right? Sure you were. Having sashimi. Is there anything you don't enjoy when you're eating? Well, this is what happened, right? I was watching TV.

You know what I realized I was watching? Pearl Harbor on the internet. I'm like, fucking idiot that I am. What are you talking about? I was watching... Oh, because of the Japanese? Yeah. So you were watching sushi

while Asian people attacked us? I was eating sushi then I realized what I was watching. You were eating sushi while you watched Asian people attack us? And I was like... So did you feel guilty? Yeah, yeah.

Like you were part Asian, part of the attack? Yeah, I was going to send his food back. Is there any other place you could get this kind of dialogue? Think about it. Is there any other place you could get the dialogue you just

got? I'm not saying it's impressive. I'm not saying you should be listening to it. I'm not saying we deserve any accolades. I'm just saying there's no other place on the planet Earth you could get the analysis that we just made. Mike was eating sushi, watching Pearl Harbor, felt guilty because he was eating Asian food while Asians attacked

us. I realized what I was watching. Damnness, I'm eating god damnness, I'm eating sashimi. Again, there's no other, but no, I guarantee, pick a podcast, pick a radio show, pick a movie, pick a documentary, pick a Klan meeting. There's nowhere, nowhere you'll get that kind of analysis, and that's what we're saying on the show.

That's what the Halfway House is about. It's stuff that you might hear in a Halfway House. That's exact dialogue you would hear in a Halfway House. So now what else, Mike? So you watched the Golden Globes. Now do you feel jealous that you're not there nominated for a Golden Globe? I'd like to just be in the audience hanging with some of the people. But you called me, what do you call it? A libtard.

A what? A libtard. A libtard? I think the other day you were like, you were so funny when you go like this. I picture you wanted to get on what's that fucking hipster place in LA? Largo. Well, I think you do a good thing.

I think your set, your act is more alternative than you think. I think you're more of a performance artist as far as I'm concerned. I think so. I'll say to something yee about this performance. No, but the thing is,

but have you been on? I've never been there. I've never heard about it. Yeah, I was there before, sure. Back you been on? I've never been there. Huh? I've never heard about it. Yeah, I was there before, sure. Back in the day, I did a set there. It's like Eagle to Luna in L.A. or now? Well, there was Luna Lounge here in the line. These in New York.

That was Eagle to Lago, you think? That I did quite a bit of shows at. I hosted there a couple of times. That was Eagle to Lago? Yeah. You were there, right? Yeah, yeah. It was on 16th and 8th. Lago Street. It was on 8th and 16th for a while. Oh right? Yeah, yeah. It was on 16th and 8th.

Lago Street. It was on 8th and 16th. Oh, no, it was Rebar originally. 16th and 8th. In the back of Rebar, and then it was on Lago Street down in East Village. It was there for years, Lago. I love that place. Yeah.

I mean, well, Katz's Deli was right there. I went on there after Gene Garofalo killed in that room. Yeah, yeah. Killed who? In that place. Gene Garofalo doing her joke where she rolls her eyes. That's a Gene Garofalo punchline. She rolls her eyes.

No, but they had all celebrities. People like yourself there. Roseanne was there. It was all kinds of people like that. Yeah, well, a lot of people want to get that. They want to seem intellectual, right? You know, Mike? Maron hosted it all the time.

Mark Maron, and he was great. He was really good. I actually followed Robert Klein there once. That's how I got mad DVD. How did he do that? He did great, and I had to follow him. Did he sing? He sings in his act.

No, he didn't do the harmonica shit. He didn't do the leg shit. But he did like 45 minutes, and I had to go up afterwards. But, you know, I think you're more respected in that community than you know, Mike. I love the hipsters. It sounds horrible to say, but they— Yeah, sure. Well, you're very hippie.

No, but the thing is, they— Funny's funny. I don't give a shit what it's said. say, but... Yeah, sure. Well, you're very hippie. No, but the thing is, they... Funny's funny. I don't give a shit what it's said. Exactly, Mike. That's the point we're trying to make here. Because everybody's like, no, you've got to be in this mainstream. The funny is funny. I don't give a shit at the end of the day.

My money's funny. My buddy used to work at a gas station, and this black guy used to come in and go... He used to ask for $5 for gas. He'd go, my money's funny. Hit me five times with the good stuff. I'll say to some yeet. Now, what about the New York City sets? Have you been going up and doing some stand-up?

Because me and you got to go out and do some shows. I know. I'm dying to because I went to Gotham on Wednesday. It was fun. Oh, yeah? I just played there. Great club. Love the place. Great club, Gotham. I just did stand-up there. I played fun. Oh, yeah? I just played there. Great club. Love that place.

Great club, Gotham. I just did stand-up there. Friday for my friend Janice's show. What do you call it? Broadway's a good club on 45th Street. Upstairs was the Red Room, though. The Red Room? That's right.

Well, you were there. Yeah. What do you call it? But the thing is, no, but I love, the stand is nice. I did a roast there with Brennan. Oh, Kevin Brennan. A couple months ago, yeah. Kevin, a funny guy. I'm not a roaster, though, but I love, the stand is nice. I did a roast there of Brennan. Oh, Kevin Brennan. A couple months ago, yeah. Kevin, a funny guy.

I'm not a roast, you know, but it's funny. A bit of an enormous asshole, but a great guy, funny guy. But you know your stand, that's the thing about him. Absolutely. And he just hates you, that's where he's at. No, but he. I like Kevin. I always liked Kevin.

Kevin used to give me a lot of shit. I used to give him shit. You know Neil? I never met Neil. Neil Brennan, yeah. Co-creator of the Chappelle Show. Very funny people. I don't know. I never met Neil. Neil Brennan, yeah. Co-creator of The Chappelle Show. Very funny people. I don't know.

I never met Neil because I said to Kevin one day, would Neil like me? He goes, only if you bring in a movie star people to visit him. Oh, wow.

There's a lot of bitterness there. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of family animosity. Do you feel your family has that kind of animosity like the Italian Staten Island brothers? Of course. Are your brothers jealous of you

with your celebrity? No, they don't give a shit. They just want to be happy with what they're doing themselves. What are they doing? They're retired. They're older. I thought you were older.

No, they're old. But what did they do for a living? Various. One of my brothers worked. He worked as a cook for years. He was good at what he did. The other brother worked in a hospital. He worked in a funeral parlor for years.

Oh, my God. Really? So doing what in a funeral parlor for years. Oh, my God, really? So doing what in a funeral parlor? Well, he worked with them, and he used to pick up bodies with them in the middle of the night. Oh. You know what I mean, right? You know who did that?

I don't want to say your brother is one, but I had a lot of buddies who did that who were thieves. They would do it because they would go there, they would take all the jewelry off the bodies. They would try to see if there was money in it, a wallet, you know, a nose ring, earring. They asked him if he wanted to be a mortician. We'd train him, send him to school.

But he didn't want to do that because that's school. No, you know what he said. Why do that? He'd just rob a dead body. He goes, no, it's too brutal. Yeah, I mean, how long did you do that for? Maybe a year or two, I think. But do you think he was robbing the dead bodies?

No, he's a good guy. He wouldn't take anything. What about necrophilia? Do you think he was having sex with her? Oh, no, that's horrible. No, well, listen, you never know. You never know. It could be someone you're living next to.

You watch some of these shows. You watch some of these shows. As long as it's not me, and it doesn't happen to me in the future. Yeah, you don't want to be dead next to a necrophiliac. Yeah, but you've got to be a special kind of person to be a mortician. That's what I'm sure of.

Yeah, a creep. I mean, not a creep. I mean, I guess it's a profession. I mean, but doesn't it seem like an unnecessary profession? Just like burn us or something. Throw us on a fucking big— They cremate a lot of people now. That's true.

Yeah. I mean, but that's a lot. You've got to fill a body with formaldehyde. You look like you're filled with formaldehyde right now. No, but— I think you're already embalmed. You're pre-embalmed. But the thing is, I want to be—I want a mausoleum.

I don't want to be thrown to the ground eating up by fucking worms. Yeah. Yeah, no, that would be tough. That would be tough. The worms would have a nice feast with you, brother. Absolutely. Absolutely. Well, I mean, do you think about death a lot?

A lot of intellectuals like yourself. Most sure. I should be terrified. Well, I'm saying, well, not anymore. You're looking it right in the face, right? I don't even care because it's... You don't care why? You haven't given up, have you?

I need you, brother. I don't know, but the thing is I never gave up. We need to banter like this for another, I don't know, three or four weeks. I don't care because, you know what, you can't worry about things that are predetermined. Well, yeah, death is definitely predetermined. You don't know exactly when, but, you know, you had a heart attack, you said you suffered. You've got to be careful, dude. And you tell me you're eating healthy, Mike.

I hate to challenge you on this. It just doesn't look like you're eating healthy. I'll have them film me in my house. It looks like you're putting mayonnaise on pizza daily and chugging it down. But then if I film me for a whole week, you're probably telling me I put them up to film and I'm like... I was telling this to Mike before we started taping. I said, well, I don't think you're eating healthy.

He goes, I'll prove it to you. He goes, I'll have someone videotape while my mother feeds me. First of all, 58 years old, his mother's feeding him. Second of all, what exactly, like first of all, you could just eat healthy for the videotape. I don't fucking know what you're eating. You could have a piece of celery on the videotape. But feeding me, I don't mean, here's how. I know she doesn't say, open the doors, here comes the airplane. No, no, no. She portions me.

Or maybe she does. I don't know. She portions you? She portions me. What do you mean? So she's the reason you're svelte. But the thing is, Mike, you don't look like... No, but she portions me.

Again, I'm not healthy either, but you don't look like... No, but she portions me like this much, that, this much, that. But what would you look like if she wasn't doing that? I mean, you're quite frankly, you're enormous. I don't know, but it could be a diet. I mean, it's nonsense. It's all fucking bullshit all day. But what aren't you doing? What are you doing that's putting the weight on? I mean, I think a lot of the people

that watch, a lot of people that watch shows like The Doctors and all that stuff like that, they did turn to us, Mike, for health advice. And I think the way we give health advice is you don't do what we do. So what are you doing to look this awful is the question. How do you look this hideous? What are you doing?

And this way the people will not know, you know, they'll know what not to do. Give me your daily, you get up at what time? I get up, I'm getting up early, like 10 o'clock. 10 o'clock. Yeah, super early, you're a regular. It's like you got a paper route. 10 o'clock, what the fuck? That's not early.

The whole country gets up at 7. All right, you get up at 10, and then what do you do? You have a, you have to, you're inside a beef. I'll drink, get up. You get up at 10, you eat a UPS truck with some bacon. I'll get up at 10, have my water right off. You have water? Yeah, start drinking early in the morning.

Oh, good. Not alcohol. No, no, no. And have green tea. I got a whole bunch of that. Green tea is good. Again, I got to call a bullshit on this. You don't look like you've ever drank green tea.

Give me a fucking break. What do you have? No, no. green tea. Give me a fucking break. What do you have? No, no. Green tea. You have a green shake. You think I'm fucking drinking fucking half gallons of alcohol? Who makes green tea at an Italian household in Staten Island? Nobody makes fucking green tea.

It comes from the... People would punch you in the face and rightfully so. It's Arizona green tea in a tank. Oh. You mean iced tea? No, it's green... Well, yeah. With insane amount of sugar. No. That's the first thing you have? It? No, it's green. Well, yeah. With insane amount of sugar.

No. That's the first thing you have? It's no calories, no sugar. Okay, so what are you going to eat the glass afterwards? What do you do? No, I drink it. How do you get to look like this? Because you don't look like someone, oh, a little green fucking no calorie tea when I wake up at 10 o'clock.

Then what do you eat? What do you inhale? I wait. Well, it depends. Like, then I'll eat. But the fucking portions I get are ridiculous. It's like... But what is that?

Your mother specifically said, like, when you say portions, what do you want? Like, if you had control over the portions, what wouldn't you be eating? I'd be grilled chicken, salad, shrimp, all stuff like that. Yeah, but how much of it? And what's on it? Like, grilled chicken, you slather it in barbecue sauce or Russian dressing. Oh, no. I don't put anything on grilled chicken. I like it as it is. Nothing at all?

No. It's not too dry? No. No. And then what do you have with it, though? What's on the side? There's got to be something, Mike, that's keeping me... Because I watch that show, 600-lb Life, and these people don't lose weight. And the doctor says, that weirdo doctor who should be working at a 7-Eleven or something, says to them, to maintain this weight, you have to be inhaling 8,000 calories

a day. That's what it looks like with you. In other words, I know you're being portioned as you say. My point is, it looks like at some point something's going awry. You're down diet, low portion highway, and you get off

fattening ramp. Like, when does that happen? Well, sometimes I'll eat at night a little bit. You know what I mean, right? Yeah, okay. Here we go. Now, now. See, this is, I'm a great detective.

I got it out of him. What do you fucking shove down your throat at night? Well, I had a couple of knishes. Ah, there you go. One of those low-cal knishes. For you people who aren't a New York Jew, the knishes, like basically fried potatoes and sheetrock, spackling. It's like take a square piece of potato and dip it, fry it in drywall.

That's what it is. Fry it in a spackle bucket of spackle. Take it out. They used to have Roy White, the baseball player. Yeah, they used to have Roy White knishes. They're good, though. Yeah. Well, how many of them do you have?

I mean, that's clearly it, Mike. That's going to, like Joe Pesci in Goodfellas, is going to, like, ba-boom in your stomach. Oh, he's crackers, too. I love them. You mean white people? So you'll have how many knishes? One or two.

At 4 o'clock in the morning? When is this? Who's bringing the knishes in the house? They're upstairs, and I'll take them when nobody's awake. You know what I mean? Wow. Wow, this is terrible. See, Mike, that's it.

Your health is going right out the fucking window, man. The last test I took, it was good. What test? Was that the SATs? The last test you took was the fucking SATs? What doctor test? What did you take? EKG?

EKG, all that nonsense they give you, you know, the blood test and all that stuff. So the rest, at what point do you get up and you say, the conditions somehow get in the house, who's bringing them in the house? I'm saying your brothers. All the people who can eat the donuts have health problems, you can eat them. Who's that?

My mom is hot. It sounds like everyone in the house has health problems. Oh, everybody does, one way or another. Hey! Hey, there he is. Jeff Ross is here. Good to see you, Mike. Jeff is interrupting the banter. Jeff Ross is here. Nice to see you, Mike. Jeff is interrupting the banter.

I want a hug. I haven't seen you in a while. What's up, buddy? How you doing, Mike? So good to see you, my man. Thanks for having me. Hey, this is a treat. He was just grilling me about my diet.

Mike and I are bantering back and forth about Mike's diet. Well, I'm late because I needed a slice of pizza. Good, good, good, good. You still have a place in New York? Oh, yeah. Oh, you do, right? Yeah. Okay.

But how often are you here now? Not enough to justify it. You're mainly L.A.? Yeah, I got a place in L.A. and a place here. What, you live in the hills in L.A.? Yeah. You like it there, right? Just over Mulholland on the Studio City side.

Oh, that's nice. I love bumping mics. I love the show you did. Thanks, Mike. It was right at you, man. No, no, no, noand on the Studio City side. I love bumping mics. I love the show you did. Thanks, Mike. It was right at you, man. No, no, no, seriously. I love bumping mics. No, the roast with history was fucking awesome.

Oh, thanks. I love the Lincoln. That was one of my favorites. That was a good one. It's all funny shit, man. We roasted historical figures on Netflix. Anne Frank. It was fun.

You know, my buddy and I, we smoked hash before we went into the Anne Frank Museum in Amsterdam. And I swear to God, in the middle of the tour, he yelled out, she had plenty of room. We got kicked out of it. What did you say about Anne Frank? Oh, it was a whole thing about it. You know, the reason I did it, this is on Netflix. That's a great idea, though. I could roast anyone I wanted.

Right. You roast Hitler? Gilbert Gottfried played Hitler roasting Anne Frank. Oh, that's fucking fantastic. And once Gilbert signed on, I went to Netflix and I was like, I don't think we should roast Hitler. I only roast the ones I love. Yeah, right. That's a good point.

And it's not for people who know about Anne Frank. It's for the 180 million countries, 180 countries that Netflix goes to that they don't even know who the fuck she is. That's right. So I'm keeping her story alive. That's sad. That is sad. And I learned a lot. That's pathetic.

You know, she invented the staycation. Jesus Christ. You know, she was her high school's hide-and-seek champion two years in a row. Not good enough. What is it? You know, again, to remind people who she is. Anne Frank is not Helen Keller. And thank you for bringing this up, Mike, because more and more, her name, the stories of the Holocaust, you know, this is one of the reasons I love being a comedian is you get to touch stuff that people are afraid to touch.

But also, you got to sort of enlighten people. Do you think a non-Jewish comic, would you be offended if a non-Jewish comic took that on? Yeah. You would. I'd be mad I didn't do it first. All right. So, yeah. Again, that is a story.

I feel like a lot of young people, fuck other countries. I feel like a lot of millennials might not know who she is. And, you know, there was quite a bit of backlash. There were protests at Netflix in Amsterdam where Anne Frank, you know, story took place and so on. So we were, we knew there'd be some backlash and it does hurt.

But like I said, this isn't for Holocaust survivors. This isn't for them. They're not around anymore anyway. Even people on my own writing staff got her confused with other historical figures. And Alex Duong, who's Vietnamese, who's a friend of mine, he worked on the episode. And then he went to the Anne Frank Museum. And people more and more are telling me they went to the Harriet Tubman movie because they saw our Lincoln episode that Mike mentioned.

A lot of people were tough, had a lot of tough shit going on and they should never be forgotten. Some people have gone through shit, but it should never be forgotten. But, you know, it's funny. I was in Amsterdam and I took one of those tours. I've never been there, so I'm jealous. It really is a fun place. They have a Chinese restaurant there, like Five Floors. Now you're thinking of Staten Island.

But the, so my tour guide was a guy who looked like literally one of Hitler's youth. So I guess he's got a rehearsed thing. And he's a young kid and blonde hair, blue eyes. And he goes, that is the Anne Frank Museum. Very sad. Very sad what happened there. And then he put his head down. And I guess he counts the amount of time he has to mourn.

And then he goes like this. He gets up and he counts the amount of time he has to mourn. And then he goes like this. He gets up and he goes, and Zach, there's a great place for pancakes. Like there's a pancake store right next to it. Life goes on. Life goes on. We're made to mourn and then move on. She was a young Jewish girl who hid from the Nazis in her attic in a small apartment. With her family and another family.

Yeah, and then it doesn't end good. And then she wrote a diary. She was pulled off to one concentration camp and then died. Not from a gas chamber. She died of typhoid. Right. Which makes sense. A perfect person to roast.

Yeah. A perfect person to insult. And if you watch the episode. That is ballsy. She's roasted by Hitler, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Don Rickles, and God. And then at the end, Rachel Feinstein plays Anne Frank very eloquently. Oh, that's fucking. And does she get up and do a rebuttal?

Oh, hell yeah. You know what? I got it. That sounds fantastic. It's a good episode. I love John Wilkes just Lincoln itself. We did one with Bob Saget

played Abe Lincoln. John Stamos played John Wilkes Booth. Yamanika played Harriet Tubman. So what, do you put them in makeup? Oh, yeah. Full on roast. Like a Dean Martin roast, but of a historical figure. It was well done because, like I said, written and shot. I loved it.

Thank you, Mike. And Frank Sinatra. That would be a good one. And a Dean Martin roast. And Frank Sinatra. So, you know, I just did a roast for O.J. Anderson, the New York Jack. And I wanted to ask you this because, of course, before the roast starts, they go, here's the roastmaster, Jeffrey Ross, sent in a tape,

and, you know, you were funny as hell. Oh, good. How often does that fucking happen? How often do you fucking get asked to do that? I get asked a lot. I mean, I know. I mean, sending a videotape, it's a lot of fucking, isn't that just a lot of stress? It is because, you know.

And how do you discern who you say fuck off to? Because I like to read the room. So if you're making a tape, you can't read the room. No, it's very difficult to do that. You know, do you make fun of them? Do you do an O.J. Simpson joke? Right, right, right. And you did. It was great, but you know. Did my tape play? Yeah, no, it did.

First of all, just out of any roast, as soon as they see your face, it's like, whoa, you know, that gets a laugh right there. Of course it did. But I remember thinking to myself, you know, because I had to close the fucking thing. I'm sitting up there for four hours while Larry Holmes mumbles through it. But, you know, he's a nice guy,

but Jesus, you feel, oh, holy shit, what's going on here? But I was obsessed with it. I'm like, how often does Jeff get fucking asked to do this? You know what?

I get asked a lot. And you're a nice guy. The problem is you're a good guy. I get annoyed to be asked and I get furious if I'm not asked. Well, you stopped,

did you stop doing the Comedy Central ones? No, I just did the last one. Did you do the Bruce Willis one? I just did the Bruce Willis, and then we did Alec Baldwin. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you do them still every year? I produce those, and I do them.

Oh, you produced them. Yeah. Jeff, one of my favorites, the early ones I loved when I first seen you do it, was the roast of Drew Carey. Oh, yeah. Well, that was the first one. I remember Drew Carey. Oh, yeah. Well, that was the first one. I remember when that happened. First TV one.

Yeah. That was like the first one where it came back. And I remember I was living in L.A. at the time. And I said, wow, they're doing this. And then you were so great. And I said, I'll be so fun. And the next year I was doing the Heifer one. Drew Carey is to comedy what Mariah Carey is to comedy.

Did you call him Barney Rubble? I forgot what you said about it. I said, Drew, you look like Barney Rubble and Buddy Holly had a baby and then peed on it. What did that feel like? You know, again, you're a comic, a joke guy. What does that feel like? You know what you said to me? I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. You said something, and I've always thought, again, Jeff and I have a connection that, you know, we've told the story a few times. But hopefully there's new people in the audience. By the way, I just want to slow it down for a second and say I walked in here. Yeah. Haven't seen Artie in a while. Mike, it's great to see you. Thank you, Jeff.

Your producer tells me you're already started the show. And I'm, like, flabbergasted because every time I've ever done anything with Artie, I have to wait in his living room for 45 minutes. Those are the old days. He started it already? I think the time you can remember was like a three-hour wait or something. I was just like, Jeff Ross. I did a show in my kitchen.

I was late 18 times. Yeah, no, I got to watch The Irishman Rough Cut. But Jeff and I are from the same hometown. You and I. Which we didn't find out until we knew each other for like a couple of years. But you've said some things over the years that I found profound. And this is what the Howard Stern Show was to me. And you said when you first killed at that roast, that was your Yankee Stadium.

That's a great analogy because any comic, you know, we all try to do a bunch of different things you act sketch comedy whatever to find you know you do the stand up shit and but you all you want to find

that's a perfect way you want to find your Yankee Stadium and that's exactly what you said that's a perfect way to put it it's such a great skill

I don't know you know a lot of comics never do find it's not just what you're good at it's what you enjoy too where you're willing

to put all that and that's when life gets fun because you're making money doing what you love. It wasn't even the, I loved writing the jokes and researching the people. Yeah. My first one was in 95. I roasted Steven Seagal. For the friars.

You know, we all try jokes out. You know, you're doing an entire act. You're writing an act to do once. Absolutely. And to me, that was exciting. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, wow, that's pretty, that's like boxing. But that means you're a comedian, dude, because it's the first thing a lot, even comics would

think, the first time I, when I did that, you have to think it was the most intimidating thing ever. But you're like, no, this is, I'm so good at this, this is fun. It's kind of a challenge. You like it. And then when you hear that pop, when I, when I got the laughs, those, you know, stand-up laughs is beautiful. Right.

But when you get a roast laugh, it's just. Well, because you know from the road what people like the most is when you fuck with the crowd. Yeah. When you're fucking with some asshole in the front or whatever. So now it's like a famous guy who's sitting next to him. Yeah. And then, you know, it's like. And, yeah, my Yankee Stadium, and it really was.

I mean, that was like. Have you found yours? Well, I'm saying, Howard Stern's on the radio. Being on Howard, that was my Yankee Stadium, and it really was. I mean, that was like— Have you found yours? Well, I'm saying, Howard Stern's radio, being on Howard, that was my Yankee Stadium. Right. Like, it went so well in the beginning, and then it was so much fun for a while. I had never tried radio, and I said, I'm good at this, and it brought me to another level. And it was better than anything else I had done. That's really cool.

That is so cool. Yeah, but it—so now, how much now do you do the road where you do regular stand-up? Oh, yeah. You want to tell that bump of my, you know, which, again, a lot of people enjoy that, man. I listened to the episode with you and Dave. It was great. Yeah, yeah. It's nice that you guys come in here, man.

Well, Dave, you know, besides being my favorite comic, he raises my game. We do a bumping mic sack for people who haven't seen it where it just just started out organically, where he'd be on stage at the cellar. And you know, when you're a comic, you know how it is already. You get off a plane, you, instead of going to my empty apartment, I'm like, let me go see if, uh, who's around at the cellar. No, it's fun. So you walk through the cellar, you gotta pee. I walk through and, you know, I'm watching Dave because what, what do you do?

You watch Dave and he's always got new stuff. Absolutely. And, you know, inevitably he'd be like, Jeff, come say hi. And we would wind up being up there together. And I've done it with you got new stuff. Absolutely. And you know inevitably he'd be like Jeff come say hi and we would wind up being up there together. And I've done it with you guys too. Of course. That's a blast man. That's a blast. If we ever want to just slow down the energy

we bring Artie up for a few minutes. You know I can barely keep up with Dave and he's drinking coffee at one in the morning first of all. I know. It's insane man. He calls you at drinking coffee at 1 in the morning, first of all. I know. It's insane, man. He calls you at 5 o'clock in the morning like it's noon.

Yeah, like, hey, about that. And we just started organically whacking our mics into each other. Right. And one thing led to another, and I convinced him to go to Montreal to the comedy festival. And I said, you know, we actually have an act. Our act is that we have no act. Well, yeah, but that's no rope, man. That's no fucking net.

We have a chemistry. Yeah, absolutely. And it's very punk rock. We walk around the crowd. We shit on each other. We shit on the world. We kind of set each other up for our bits. After a while, our bits become intertwined, and he's the fucking funniest.

He really is, man. Anyway, we're in Texas in a couple weeks. So you still do that a lot on the road. Oh, yeah. We got a whole tour coming up. We're going to be in Texas. We're going to be in Illinois. We're going to be in Milwaukee.

Like, he only lets me go to the off markets where he doesn't already go. Yeah, exactly. That makes sense. Yeah. I'm like, San Antonio? What are you talking about? Why are we in Chicago? He's like, oh, I already do the comedy club there.

I'm like, well, how about, you know. I don't bump in mics to bump my business. But it's a lot of fun. And, you know, Dave, he's obsessed with the merch. It's all he really wants to do. You get into that merch shit. He got me into it. I never fucking, I couldn't see doing this and then going out there and standing in front of people with, like, a shirt with my face on it.

Who the fuck wants that? We have our Bumping Mike's merch, which is somehow cooler. And I did have a fantasy the other day because Dave and I have the same lawyer. And, you know, I've been writing a will. And I thought to myself, what happens when you die? I had to have a real moment. And I was talking to Dave a little bit, and I was thinking about it,

and I was like, you know what? The best way to die, you hear about comedians, this happened a couple of times at a roast. Albert Brooks, his dad, his name was Park Your Carcass. He did a roast. Get the fuck in the 1950s he did a roast get the fuck out of here

he did a roast he killed and then he sat down and he died just his father was a comic yeah and he roasted somebody

and he died on stage he died on the dais he did the roast how did I never hear that before you know what Albert gets I didn't even know his father was a comic.

Him and Super Dave are brothers. I know. Super Dave, rest in peace. Right. And I did have a chat with Albert not too long ago where he did open up a little bit. He does get emotional. He doesn't really talk about his dad too much. He died when Albert was very young.

But I was always so like oddly, weirdly jealous that this guy died on the day. Well, you know what? Dick Shawn, I think. Remember Dick Shawn? You know who he is? He died on stage doing stand-up. I mean, there's video of it. So now I've decided I don't want to die on stage.

I want to die at the meet and greet. Think of the merch. Think of how much merch. Whoever buys that last shirt. I'll sign them until I'm dead. Jeff, I don't sell merch, but Audie got me on Cameo. Oh, yeah, that's fun, too. Do you do that?

Oh, of course. That's fun. Okay, there you go. Right there. You just fucking pulled my point. Now you've got to roast every Joe Jerkoff on the planet on Cameo. Is every one a roast? Every one of them is a roast.

I turn half of them down. They ask me to roast people. I charge more the planet on Cameo, is every one a roast? Every one of them is a roast. I turn half of them down. They ask me to roast people. I charge more than anybody on Cameo, 300 bucks. Yeah. And when I have nothing to do, I miss half of them. But when I do them, I do have to think of a couple of roast jokes. So I don't think of it as working for...

Why do you turn them down? Because sometimes they'll be like, they want you to plug their store, or it's like they start sending me like... Do yourself a favor. You want to laugh? Yeah. Watch it's like they start sending me like. Do yourself a favor. You want to laugh? Yeah. Watch Gilbert's cameos.

Oh, I know. He got me on it. It's like aluminum siding companies. Go to edge roofing. And then the next one is him playing a bird from a Disney movie. Like he'll have a little 12-year-old asking him for a cameo. So what do you do? You have to put an effort into it.

I do. Which is nice. I'm not great at the cameos. I do my best, but it's when I haven't been working that day, I'll go, I want to get my brain working. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I'll use it as a little exercise. Right, right.

It's absolutely fun. And it is fun to make the fans happy. But again, I had this kid on last week, the kid Shane from... SNL. Yeah. And you're roasting Anne Frank as Hitler. I mean, you know, does that affect you at all, this situation, this woke shit? I guess, I mean, I think our generation, I said to the kid Shane, he goes,

I used to listen to you on the Howard Stern Show. He goes, in any 10-second period, there was shit that we said that, you know, we'd be thrown out of the country for, much less fired from... I think we, our generation as we got in just in time to have an audience to where, I think they just don't think we're going to give a shit about it. I think it's about

obviously it's your intentions. Are you trying to hurt somebody's feelings? Are you just trying to be funny? And we evolve. You listen to those old pieces that you did or whatever, those old appearances, you know, and you're like, even my old roast stuff, I'm like, oh, I probably wouldn't tell

that joke. I would probably tell a more evolved version of that joke. Really? So even with the roast... Because I'm not looking to hold on to the past. I'm looking to go forward. Well, that's the only way a good comedian is, sure. I mean... Joan Rivers always had new material. Absolutely. Always evolving. Absolutely. But, that's the only way a good comedian is, sure. I mean... Joan Rivers always had new material. Absolutely. Always evolving.

Absolutely. But, you know, again, it's... I understand what you're saying, but I get pissed off when Eddie Murphy actually sits in and gives a full apology about it. Well, that's a business decision that I'll never understand. He's got two trillion dollars. I don't think I could ever... That part would be hard for me. Yeah.

To sit there and just apologize for shit that you did a million years ago. Because like you said, it's like comparing the NBA now to 1958. I would have been fired from every single Oscars for the last 57. Well, that's what I'm saying. The hypocrisy of L.A. with Roman Polanski won an Oscar after he raped a broad. And Brett Ratner had the word fag slip out of his mouth in Australia once. And he's out of business. He can't do X-Men 7 because of that.

It's a tricky, tricky thing. Right. And part of it is this isn't a commentary on any of us or anyone we're talking about. No, of course not. Generally speaking, if the world, your community, our brotherhood, sisterhood, fraternity of comedians, if they know you're a good person, you'll survive everything. Yes, absolutely. If people think maybe you could possibly have been an asshole the whole time and you were also doing that, it's tough to stick up for that person. That's true because comedy is, again, I always say comedy has never abandoned me.

Sometimes you put enough karma out there, it might be just good enough to where people like it. Every time a new crashing episode come up with you in it, I'm thinking, what the fuck is Judd Apatow thinking here? I go, what is this guy? You must have pictures of Apatow fucking a goat or a dog or something. I'm like, what? Yeah, no, I know. It got crazy. It got crazy.

I mean, you know. But you're a survivor, Artie. You're a survivor. Absolutely. You have a survivor's instinct. Well, listen. I mean, you know, sometimes you think. I mean, first of all, just to survive 30 years of this shit doing stand-up.

You still love it? Yeah, sure. I love it. Thank God. I know you do. How was your New Year'sup. You still love it? Yeah, sure. I love it. Thank God. I know you do. How was your New Year's gig? I know you do. It was fun.

I was open to Albany. What did you do? I flew in that night with my lady, and we went to a Seth Herzog's. He had a party at a piano bar, and then me and Jusk Allen, my lady. Oh, nice. How's Dave doing? He's great. We went to the cellar right before midnight, and about 15 of us ran on stage, and Dave

and I did about two and a half minutes together. Oh, okay. So we rang in the New Year. That is fun. I was on stage at midnight at the cellar a couple times. It's fun. It's fun. It was really fun.

This is how much I love it. Listen to this, Jeff. Yeah. Arnie Lang's Hair for You House is brought to you by Blue Chew. You know what that is? Yeah. Do you use that? No.

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There's a great joke in Blazing Saddles when the black sheriff is coming. The guy goes, we offer our Laurel and Hardy handshakes. You say you talk to people like Alba, do you talk to them? Do you know Mel Brooks at all? I know Mel a little bit. You know a lot of those older guys. Like, one of those older guys,

this is what I, I mean, again, you do love being a comedian so much, and you do, you know, through the Friars Club, you've always bonded with those older guys. Like, who do you, like, you know Mel, you know Carl Reiner and those guys? Of course. Whoa, that's incredible.

Like, what is that like? It's really tough to know Mel without knowing Carl because they're always together. You know, the old guys, they're a lot more like us. Oh, absolutely. Than you think. First of all, there's two million documentaries about Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner watching dinner. They're eating, like, you know, turkey and watching TV. And they are.

They're like old school ball breakers. And there's, you know, very intimidating. You know, it's interesting. 20 something years ago, Elon Gold is a buddy of mine. We were walking into a movie theater with our ladies, you know, in the 90s. Right. And Mel and Anne Bancroft and Carl Reiner and his wife, they were walking into the same movie. Right.

And Elon is like, this is our chance. We have to go over and say hello. Absolutely. And I can't remember if he did or not. You'd have to. And I said, you know what? What year was this? We were nobodies.

Early 90s. And I said, you know what? They're on date night. There's going to be a better time. I am not going to say that this is the once in a lifetime. He goes, this is a once in a lifetime chance. This was in New York? This is in Beverly Hills.

Oh, okay. And I said, you know what? I'm not going to think that way. That's a desperate way of thinking. I'm going to see these guys again. And it took another 10 years. Where did you finally say something to him? I would see Mel a lot.

At the Friars? At the Friars Club events, but not really for him. For him, it was really the ancillary stuff. The people I knew at the Friars Club events, but not really for him. For him, it was really the ancillary stuff. The people I knew at the Friars would then have holiday parties. Sid Caesar would have Passover dinners, birthday dinners. Oh, okay. So the Jewish connection helped. Sid was kind of Mel's surrogate dad.

Yeah, yeah. The way, the affection those guys have, especially Mel Brooks when he talks about Sid Caesar, is unbelievable. Really, it's nice to hear. Mel still admits to this day he would have had no career without Sid's guidance and encouragement. Well, that writer's room of your show is shows. I mean, come on. Right up until the end there, I would go visit Sid. He'd be in a wheelchair, half in, half out.

And Mel and Carl would always come in together. Mel would pick up Carl, and they would walk in together. Wow. And they would walk around. That's unreal. To the front of the wheelchair, and I'll never forget this. They would do the classic arms out and go, hey, Sid. And he'd look up and smile, and he'd see those two faces, and he'd go, it's Mel Brooks and Carl Ryder.

And Sid would just lose it, you know? I mean, you know, again, I hope we last long enough to where I see Jeff. It's Jeff Ross. Did you ever meet Rodney? I would have loved to have met him. I only shook Rodney's hand a couple of times at the Laugh Factory, but Rodney's my favorite. He hosted Mad TV when I was there, which was amazing. He said to me, hey, kid, you play craps?

I go, yeah. He goes, life is like craps. Just don't crap out. That's what he said. Hey, kid, life is like craps. Did you ever think about trying to write for him? I mean, because you would have been perfect for that. I don't think I could have wrote jokes that good.

I wish I would have met him. Who did write a lot? Harry Basil was a guy. I mean, did Rod did write a lot Harry Basil was a guy I mean did Rodney write a lot of those jokes I don't know You know Rodney I think was always I believe that Rodney was writing jokes for people As a young

So he kind of got all that Yeah but I don't know I think Rodney probably had some help But nobody could teach that delivery No Robert Wall has that story Where he tried to run up to him at an airport And like do, do jokes that he wrote for him, but he would do a rotting impression. He goes, okay, leave the act to me, you know.

I do a podcast from my basement in my house in L.A. Right. And I always ask the guests about, like, how do you get through life when times are tough and that kind of thing right and for me it's putting typing rodney dangerfield absolutely into youtube yeah i know all the jokes i don't need to listen to the jokes carsons and i would just his voice to me is like listening to the blues yeah like it just fills me with like or or you, like in Easy Money, the great thing about him in a movie is he's not even trying. He's just basically doing stand-up. Like

his mother-in-law in Easy Money, when she goes, you can barely stand erect. You reek of liquor. He's like waiting to say his line. He's looking at her and he goes, oh yeah, well you were the inspiration for Twin Bits. I'll tell you.

I liked him in My Five Wives, the movie he did with Deitch. Oh, yeah. But he just didn't even try. He was always him. I'll tell you, my wife's a bad cook. I didn't know meatloaf was supposed to glow in the dark. In my house, we pray after we eat. The flies got together and fixed the screen door.

Yeah. My friend Lucas gave me a Rodney Dangerfield doll where you press a button and he tells you. Oh, that's fantastic. So it's like having a pal. He was like, you know, I was having a discussion with somebody. There's no older, like when we were teenagers, he was a 60-year-old rock star. You know, I mean, there's no real. Gives me hope. hope that's what i'm saying there's no real guy like that anymore no where i mean like he like he was like the rolling stones at 60 years old right uh he was he was maybe it's

because i didn't know him so well i know sagat knew him of course maybe it's because we didn't know him so well that i still kind of hold him in a special place. There's a lot of crazy stories about him. He seemed like a sad guy. And, you know, a lot of drugs. He did, you know, it's funny you said it, he did the Stern show about six months before he died.

And the commercial came and Howard said, great job, Roddy. And he put his head down really like, really completely serious and said, ah, it could have been funnier. I mean, he really could tell. I guess he was just like that self-loathing thing. But I thought he was kidding, but he was really, like, hard on himself.

And he just destroyed. That's too bad. Yeah, it sucks. And do you even need him to be funny at that point? Don't you just kind of want to hear about his life? It's like he's just rolling in, you know? Oh, jeez. You know what?

I think part of it was that this happened to Buddy Hackett. It happened to Shecky Green. I'm not sure I met Buddy. They got stage fright at a certain age. Yeah. Comedians start to get stage fright. Really? Yeah, I've seen that happen with a few older guys.

You mean, like, well, some of, well, you think it's afraid because the audiences are changing or? I don't know if they don't have the same confidence in their, in hitting the marks that they used to or what it is. No, it seems like a young, well, first of all, it's all timing and it's some energy, but it's a young, you do feel like comedy is a young person's game. And think about what guys like Rodney went through on The Tonight Show where every joke was approved. Oh, I know. You know, everything was so specific. That seems like stress, man. So they probably were always.

They had to put themselves under that sort of scrutiny. But now that's happening again. I did stand-up on The Tonight Show about, what, about five years ago. And they, you know, I mean, my God. Again, with the PC shit, they were fucking, it was crazy. Like, you know, they had to approve it 50. It sounds like it was going back. It wasn't like that for a while.

See, this is why, to go back to earlier in the conversation, guys, like you talk about these times, if they affect me, and I don't know how you're feeling that, but in a way it enhances and makes what we do, edgy comedy, whatever you want to call it, more special. Absolutely. Because our fans and real people who really need a laugh, they don't want it watered down.

They don't give a shit. Let's just say comedy is the best medicine. You've heard that right before. Would you want your medicine watered down? No. You want your medicine potent. You want your jokes potent. A lot of people go through, they work at an insurance company,

and the boss reads their emails and they might get fired because they said something wrong on social media. If you go to a comedy club, don't you want to see a guy who doesn't have to fucking live by those rules?

Yeah. You want to see someone who's saying shit that you can't hear anywhere else. That's why you got to give props to the places that still let you do that. Podcast, Comedy Central, Netflix, a couple other places

that are, even if they're corporate, they're letting the comics speak what they want. Podcasting is, I mean, it's amazing. When the Stern Show went to Sirius, you know, again, we still had sponsors and shit like that. You know, Howard could get away with anything, but podcasting really is an open

world. Do you like doing it that much? I mean, I would think, how often do you do a podcast? I do it every couple of weeks. My cousin Ed and I do it out of my, he built a studio down in my house. And it's, I find it cathartic because I don't do the roasting necessarily. Right. Whoever died that week, I'll do at the very end of the show, I'll do five roast jokes about. Whoever died?

Yeah. Like it had to be a famous person? Usually it's a famous person or, yeah, it's got to be you. We find somebody. If you dig deep enough, someone's dead. Or if you wait another day, somebody dies. And inevitably we end the show sort of like that. But for the most part, it's the flip of the roast.

It's about taking a joke and getting through life. Oh, absolutely. It's called Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. It's the inverse of what I do on the roast, it's about taking a joke and getting through life. Oh, absolutely. It's called Thick Skin with Jeff Ross. It's the inverse of what I do on the roast. Oh, okay. Okay. That's cool. That's cathartic.

Right. Oh, absolutely. Like you could actually form a sentence and think through ideas and you have friends on. And I don't have – it's not a celebrity podcast. It's like a friends and family podcast. Yeah. I met your family, some of your family, like my house down the shore you brought.

Was that your nephew? I think I brought my nephew with me and they all were just here. My cousins got married this weekend. So I had both nephews and the girlfriends in the apartment all weekend. Oh, okay. But did some of them move out to LA?

I got one in DC now. I got some in LA. My sister's on Bainbridge Island. That's awesome. In Seattle. And another nephew in college. Nice to have family, though. It's so good.

And you're into that. I am. It took me a long time to get there. Why is that? Because they were always like this other thing that I knew I could go to if I ever needed it. And as they started to get older and break apart and splinter and people die off, I go, oh, somebody's got to keep this together. Now you're right.

So I started renting those beach houses down in Mantel Logan. That's right. That's how you tell me, which is fantastic. Yeah. I mean, you know, the Jersey Shore, there's no way to stay with family better than that. So now I take, you know, the cousins from New Jersey and the nephews from Seattle. Right. And you put them in a house together for a week or two.

They can't help but be friends. And so now they know each other. No, a lot of people, again, families, I feel like in the 80s, my cousins, everybody, I feel like I don't see them anymore. That's such a true thing, man. A lot of the older people die off. My great-grandma Rosie, she would have parties like that. I didn't know her, but Ross, I'm named after her,

and I've seen films of her. She was a caterer. She was like a big, tough, strong woman, and she liked to give presents and feed people and make people happy. And I go, oh, I see where I— Not a lot of women like that anymore, dude. No, not at all. She also owned a catering hall in Newark, New Jersey before women really owned businesses. You've got to be tough.

She was tough. Back then, a day—a woman ordering a catering hall in Newark. She lived upstairs with her husband and her business partner, so I don't know what the fuck was going on. She had a broken leg of lamb. Nunzios, formerly Vitos. Boots, Rocco, help the judge find his checkbook. I mean, as far as like, do you find when you're dating a woman,

do you ever look, do you think instinctively you're looking for those qualities of your grandmother? Of my great-grandma Rosie? No. I mean, I'm talking about someone who's that caring. Yes. It's hard to find. If anything, I look for someone who's more like my mom, who's very sweet and affectionate. My girlfriend's very affectionate.

The sensitive side of Jeff, there's people who don't know the story, but Jeff and I, again, are from the same hometown. And the way I found that out was, I'm just going to go over it again. Sure. So I met Jeff around 1993-ish, like at the Comics or whatever. And then I get on MADtv. I go out to MADtv to, I go out to L.A. to shoot the pilot for MADtv. I go out to MADtv to, I go out to LA to shoot the pilot for MADtv. And someone tells me that Janine Garofalo is doing a standup show for Comedy Central. Like the soundstage down from where we're shooting

at Sunset Gower Studio. So I go, let me go watch this. So it was a bunch of funny people, Patton Oswalt and people like Jeff doing sets. So I watched Jeff's set. Now I don't know we're from the same hometown yet, but you did a set where you talk, it ends with your grandfather

giving you a ride home. You're in the seventh grade. Now, again, I don't know we're from the same hometown yet, but I'm watching this, I'm enjoying the shit out of this. And then it gets very sentimental at the end. And you talk about how in the seventh grade, you always needed a ride,

like a ride in White Castles. So there was a White Castle right in the center, in a five-point section of Union, New Jersey, where we're from. There was a White Castle there. It was big in my childhood. So seventh grade, you're waiting, and I assume it was Kiwami Junior High. Sure.

Okay. After a baseball game, and you're waiting, you're by yourself, and your grandfather comes, picks you up, gives you a ride, and takes you to White Castles. And it ends by going, it's my two favorite things, a ride for my grandpa and White Castles. Wow. Okay. I'll never forget that. Great memory.

It was because my dad, who was a little, my parents didn't show up. Okay. Right, right, right. That happened to me too. And it was heartbreaking because it's like getting dark, it's cold. My father was working, same exact thing, the fall we would have that early spring practices for baseball and my grandfather

would show up in the crowd in Victoria. So there was just a connection there. I love that. We're from the same... Three months later I'm in New York and I see you come, I'll never forget this, we were on Lafayette Street, you were coming out of the fucking gym there, whatever, the Crunch or whatever.

Crunch. And I said, what are you doing? He said, you were going up to the strip or something. And I said, I'm going back to Jersey. And he said, where are you from in Jersey? I said, Union. And that's how we found this toy. That's crazy.

He said, you're from Union? I said, I'm from Union, too. And then we knew the same people, the Antonellis, who started saying names. And I'm like, holy shit. That makes sense. And I connected with that monologue. It was like six months after connecting with that monologue. Isn't that interesting?

You know, what are the odds of that happening? My recollection is that I moved out going into high school. You did? Right when you moved in. Is that possible? Yeah, I moved from Newark. I was in Newark originally. You're a couple years older than me, but we both played Hall Stadium, Lehigh Avenue.

Little League. Little League. And the Antonelli brothers. But I remember feeling very comforted by that. It's a shame they never made it, huh? They're all kicking ass. I mean, that's a real... never made it, huh? They're all kicking ass. I know.

I mean, that's a real... Their father... This is an Italian family. Italian family from a blue-collar town in Jersey, okay? As blue-collar, three Italian kids. Their fathers laid rug for a living. Their father had a rug van, and one kid went to medical school in Grenada. Three gorgeous blonde brothers. That's right.

Blimey, blue-eyed, hot mom. Grenada. Three gorgeous blonde brothers. That's right. Blonde mom. Blue-eyed hot mom. Hot dad. Yeah, hot dad. Girl. Who laid carpet. He entered the door once naked. Me and my sister were at the door.

And so one's a doctor in Madison, Wisconsin. The other one is a chiropractor. The other one's a lawyer. Whoa. Amazing. Amazing. Yeah, and all great kids, man. Right, great guys. When I think of the 70s, they had a boxer dog that would lick the chocolate milk out of their mouth,

and they would drink the chocolate milk with the dog. I don't know if I ever told you this. The first laugh I ever remember getting, people always ask comedians, when did you know you were funny or something like that. At the Antonelli? It was in the Antonelli. They had an above-ground pool in the back. They had an above-ground pool, but they had a basketball court.

That's right. Now, my dad could play basketball. I was never a basketball player. I was a football player. I like hoops, yeah. I played high school, junior high school football, but basketball was never my game. But they had this court. There wasn't much else to do.

They were my best friends, so we're having a three-on-three game, right? I don't remember how it broke up, but inevitably inevitably I was always the worst of the six, right? Would have been John. Darren was a great basketball player. John and Dale and then Donnie, Darren, and Daniel. Yeah. Our other two friends and then the Antonellis and then me. And, you know, it's like stress.

Like we're playing basketball, but I know if it gets close, they're not going to pass it to me. I'm always like the weak link, right? And now here we are. We're, like, playing 0-11, and it's tie at 10-10 or whatever. Yeah. And it couldn't be more heated, right? It's getting dark. It's the last game of the day.

Everything's high pressure. This is probably the best of three. Shirts and skins. It's, like, hot. You know, this is the end of the day. And just the pressure's mounting. I don't know if we were gambling or whatever. It was just sort of bragging rights.

How old are you now? This is the seventh grade? It's probably sixth, seventh grade, right? And somehow I get the ball. Now, I can never really pass it. I can never really – I'm always – if I get the ball, there's not a lot of options. They always would steal it from me or they'd spike it down, whatever.

And finally, I get the ball, it's tie score and I'm looking for an opening to pass, to shoot. I got nothing. I got no move,

right? And the Anson Ellis, they're yelling at me, my teammates, shoot, shoot. And I'm like, this is the right,

shoot, shoot. I know if I shoot, I'm going to get stuffed, right? Shoot, shoot. I know if I shoot, I'm going to get stuffed, right? Shoot, shoot. It's going on for like 20, 30 seconds. Shoot, shoot, shoot.

Finally, I just dropped the ball and I went, bang, bang, bang. Bang. And they all literally fell down laughing. Was that really the first time you remember getting a lift?

Well, the other ones would always be, what, my mom, you know, family. It could be a courtesy. You don't realize it's the, but, like, from, like, people that weren't necessarily in my living room. Like, in a high, I guess, to break the tension. Yeah. Like, I had no way out.

And it's bad if you really can't shoot a basketball. Why not go for the joke? Right. And that's when I learned, like, comedy can get you out out of a bind and it can break the pressure. Just to use it all the time. And the fact that they cared so much about this game and then suddenly didn't care at all because we were laughing. No, because you know what else that proves too?

Sam Simon used to tell me that he said, you know the most powerful guy in any room is the funniest guy in the room. Because not the richest, not the best looking, not the most educated. The funniest guy in the room is the most powerful guy in the room. You know how it is, Artie. When we go to a Golden Globes party, I didn't go this year, it was last night,

but I remember going last year to an Oscars party. And you know, whatever, I'm a comedian. The actors, the rock stars, they'll come over and talk to us because we do what they can't do. It is weird to see that. We're famous or the rich, but we have a secret magical power that most people don't understand fully. And people are fascinated by it. They're fascinated by the fact that somebody even tried to do that for a living.

And the fact that, I mean, when you command the room, I remember the first time seeing a great standup comic at Rascals. Well, you know, I saw John Mulrooney do Rascals. I mean, he's like destroyed for three hours. You're going like, this is like the coolest guy ever. It's like Cooler

and the Rolling Stones. Because everyone's listening to every fucking thing you say. At a music concert, people are, you know, they don't have to pay attention all the time. Hello!

Every five minutes. Just go to Jumping Jack Flats. Right. Keith Richards is funny. Keith Richards does the same joke every time he does two songs. What does he say? He goes,

it's good to see you guys. It's good to see anybody. And Joe Walsh during Eagles concerts, he goes, yeah, man, I was just talking to my ex-wife. You know my ex-wife's name?

Plaintiff. I've seen them 20 times. He does the joke every time. It's good to see you. It's good to see you. Did you ever play an instrument? No.

I wish I could, man. I would. Nils Lofken, our good friend from the E Street Band, always brings you up when I talk to him. I became good friends

because I played the Tempe, Arizona improv and he came and such a great guy. Okay, I got Nils fucking Lofpe, Arizona improv. And he came. And such a great guy. Okay, I got Nils fucking Lofken. One of the best guitarists. Neil Young, Bruce. Solo records.

I said, I just want to learn how to play night moves. Teach me how to play fucking night moves. He was in here at the Mandarin Oriental one weekend. And I went. He said, come over. I'll teach you how to play night moves. I had a guitar. So I said, if I could just fucking play night moves by Bob Seger on a guitar, I would never leave the house.

I wouldn't need drugs anymore. So he teaches me, like, you know, this, that, the other thing. I get it. I get it. I was out the door one second. I couldn't play Night Moves. Really? I just, I have none of that ability.

And I said, I'm getting this. I'm getting this. He goes, it's simple. It's like, you know how musicians go, it's Night Moves. It's like three chords, whatever the fuck it is. And I was out the door for a second. how musicians go, it's Night Moves. It's like three chords, whatever the fuck it is. And I was out the door for a second. I forgot how to fucking play Night Moves. I was always jealous that Nils gave you that guitar lesson.

And I know you had asked for it. And I love Nils. I'm going to be down there soon. And he invited me over, Nils and Amy, two great people. They are the best. I just want to give a shout out. Nils's new album, Blue with Lou, is so fucking good. Let me tell you something.

Songs he wrote with Lou Reed. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Oh, I didn't know about that. Yeah, they wrote them a long time ago. out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out out It's for, you know... Birds. No, my favorite song. Anil Yantur? No, yeah, on Crazy Horse. Not Southern Man? No. Well, maybe that one, too, but a lot of them. I know, but just a genius. I was dreaming about what a friend had said.

I was hoping it was a lie. Look at Mother Nature on the run in the 1970s. What the hell's the name of that song? I love it. It's like one of my favorite songs.

Yeah, yeah. That's an amazing tune. Yeah. But I saw him do a solo concert at the... What the hell's the blues musician's name?

The guitarist, the black guy. B.B. King. B.B. King, okay. B.B. King's in Times Square. And he got four standing ovations just from guitar solos. He really is something. Nils is amazing.

Yeah, yeah. That's so great that I love that we're both friends with him and the Antonellis. You know, Donnie Antonelli taught me how to play the night moves. I think I remember. They are a great Jersey story from the 70s. Their father was laying carpet and putting them both.

I mean, he had to go to Grenada to go to fucking medical school, but it's a little cheaper there. So how long are you in town for? I'm leaving tomorrow. I hung out one more day to do this. So how – oh, thanks, buddy. Of course. I appreciate it.

How often are you here? I'll come back, you know, every month or so. I need a dose of New York. No, absolutely. I need it for my brain, for my... Even this time of year, like January, you need a dose of New York? No, I would have come in Christmas time. Yeah.

But my cousin, Matt, got married at the YMCA camp in New Jersey on Saturday. Well, he runs a camp. He's a camp director. He's a young guy, 30 years old. And he got married at the camp that he runs. No shit. Up in a camp. He's a camp director. He's a young guy, 30 years old, and he got married at the camp that he runs. No shit. Up in Fairview.

Where? Fairview. Oh, Fairview. Beautiful camp. The moose was delicious. How many weekends are you on the road then? I'm going to do,

oh, here's a good, Tommy just handed me a piece of paper, but I don't have my glasses. You want me to read them? I can read them. Can you not read the lower degree? No. I don't have my glasses. You want me to read them? I can read them. Can you not read it all with the glasses on? I'm not bad without them.

Holy shit. I know I'm doing Phoenix. You're busy, bro. I'm doing Miami. January 16th, Bumping Mikes with a Tell, the Paramount Theater. In Austin. In Austin. January 17th, Bumping Mikes with a Tell, Majestic Theater. It doesn't have the city on the fucking plate. That's in San Antonio.

That's in San Antonio. You're January 18th, Bumping Mikes with a tell, Majestic Theater. That's not the city I'm going to fucking play. That's in San Antonio. That's in San Antonio. You're January 18th, bumping Mike's with a tell. So you're doing a lot at the Revention Music Center. Miami Improv, stand up with the Speed Road. Super Bowl weekend. Super Bowl weekend, you're in Miami. Yeah. Right, January 31st. Is it in Miami this year?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. I went down to a couple of those, man. That's going to be fun. They're fucking fun. So you're there that whole weekend. Yeah. And February 6th, man. That's pretty fun. They're fucking fun. So you're there that whole weekend. Yeah. And February 6th, you got CB Live.

Phoenix. In Phoenix. Okay, how is that? I like that club. Yeah, I heard that's nice. You know what it is? You'll love it. It's a rock club that they made into a comedy room.

But they sit down for the comedy, right? Yes, yes, yes. You know what's great? That Stan Hope is able to play those rock clubs. Michael Che. People stand up. Yeah, no. You know what?

I did a pop-up a couple weeks ago and I let everybody stand in on it. The energy was good if you keep it tight. Right. But I never understand that. I saw Bob Dylan once

and he made the whole audience stand. I'm like, the guy's 75 and the fans are 80 years old. Again, for music, though,

you don't have to listen to like, I mean, you can get a beer at the bar and hear the riff for Jumpin' Jack Flash or something.

No, it's a good room. CB Live. CB Live? I've been there before. You're all over the place, bro. February 7th, 2020. Again, stand-up live. Where's that? That's in Phoenix. Okay, you're all... And a lot of buffing mics. March 13th, Wittele at the

Pabst Theater. March 14th, Wittele. Got through April with Dave. So how do they find you? Jeff Ross, what is it, JeffRoss.com? RoastmasterGeneral.com.

RoastmasterGeneral.com. Oh yeah, I guess you can always look on Dave's site too. There's only one of those. Dave and I, Dave and I, he's such a character, man.

He's such an amazing guy. You gotta, when we do Bumpin' Mike's back in New York already, I hope you, maybe even one of these nights when we're just messing around. Yeah.

We love having you up there. I think he's on stage later tonight. I might go by there. Of course, I have court tomorrow. Court? I'm on probation. Oh, so you have to check in? I forgot about it.

You look great, buddy. It's a fucking long story. You look great. Thank you, buddy. I mean, you know, you're right there. You're like a survivor. Yeah, well, that's for fucking sure. But when I do pass away, and I will,

please, go nuts. Nobody thought you would. Go nuts. Nobody ever thought you... You and Betty White. You're the last two in my pool. Well,

with the William Shatner roast that I did with you and Betty White, Betty White said, it's always great to see Artie Lang on stage, especially knowing I'm going to outlive her.

That might have been the hardest laugh of the night. No, you look great. Congrats, you're going to be in the Head of Neusbaum movie. If I'm lucky. If I'm lucky.

That would be a great, actually, that would be nice to a man doing that part. Google Head of Neusbaum. You're going to laugh your fucking ass off. You can play Joel Stein and Head of Neusbaum.

You can play both parts. And you can be Anne Frank and Hitler. There's a roast. We'll roast Head of Neusbaum. Just punch her. So how many episodes have you done now? You've done about 10 episodes?

This is like 20. We've done 20. That's great. We did a whole month. We did 20, and I'm back at it, brother. I'm still here. How's your family? Everybody's good.

Everybody's good. I appreciate it. And Jeff, you know, I love you, buddy. How's your Thurman Munson memorabilia collection? I got a lot of them. That's the one thing I didn't sell for drugs. I have a Thurman Munson signed Yoo-Hoo shirt. True story.

His wife gave it to me. Really? His wife, Diana Munson gave me. He said he wore this shirt. I cry sometimes telling this. She said he wore this shirt at a charity event. She said he wore this shirt underneath his uniform every World Series game that he played in. It was Yoo-Hoo.

It said Munson on the back. She said he would have wanted one of you little guys to have it. That's what she said. Wow. And I have it framed. That's so cool. He was my hero, too. Absolutely. How could you not like Thurman fucking Munson, right?

Captain. Right, Mike? You don't even know who he is. I'm a Mets fan, sorry. Who cares? Jeff, I love you, buddy. Love you, bud. Thank you so much for coming.

Of course, man. Congrats on the new podcast. The great Jeff Ross. See him in a towel. See him doing his thing. Especially Miami. Super Bowl weekend at the Improv. And you will see no better comedian.

Thanks, bud. Thank you. See you next time. you