Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 2 - LENNY DYKSTRA

Episode Date: December 3, 2019

Former New York Met and Philadelphia Phillies star Lenny Dykstra stops in to share some unbelievable stories from both on and off the field.  Presented by TheComicsGym.com. Sponsored by... MyBookie.ag - to go http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus BlueChew - go to BlueChew.com and use code Artie to try it for FREE!

Hey, we're back. We have not been canceled yet. We're the last slumber in the Simpsons. Mike, please. Sorry about that. We've got another 38 years to catch up to the Simpsons. I doubt we're doing that. But the second episode of Arty Lang's Halfway House with my co-host, Mike Boschetti.

Back from episode one, my buddy Russ Meneve, the great comedian Russ Meneve. I had to be back for this. There's a reason Russ stayed, and the reason is sitting directly across from me. My second episode guest is one of my favorite human beings who's ever lived. Honestly. Honestly. Pam Anderson is here. In all seriousness, we were just talking

like one of the last of the real fucking men who's out there. 1986 met. Yes. He's got a ring, then became a filly and a felon. Yes. And my brother. I feel a kinship to this guy, the great Lenny Dykstra.

So good to be here, man. Number four. Hey, Dykstra. Hey, man, listen. Beloved. Being the second guest on your show is awesome, bro.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And by the way, I know you hear it all the time and I'm not sucking your dick or anything, but you look fucking great, dude. Thank you. I mean, it's like

the last time I saw you it was a little... Yeah, no, we were both kind of fucked up. Yeah, well, I'm still a little... You know, you got nine months.

I'm coming up on ten months clean. I got ten seconds. That's a start, bro. I mean, maybe... How old are you? 56. With fucking mileage. Yeah, so I'm 52. I look like your grandfather.

Not really. Again, we were just talking baseball downstairs. First things first, you just went to the deli. You got here and you went to the deli for 10 minutes to get a coffee and you had an altercation. Yeah, well, I never start the altercations. I usually end them. But you just went to the deli to get a coffee. Well, I went to the deli to get some coffee or something else, whatever. I went to the deli to get some coffee or something else, whatever.

And so I had some stuff on my hand or something. The bullpen Betty I was with told me, she said, you ought to wipe down your nose. Your friend was with you. She said, I had some white stuff here or there, but it wasn't what you think. Right, right, right. But so I saw, I saw, I saw. A cup? Yeah. I don't know.

I saw. I can't, by the way, I haven't done that I haven't done that in years either good no trust me quit that first no it's like done even if I do

it's like dust so I went next door so I tell this dude I say hey let me use that that rag it was a rag

like they clean the tables with yeah yeah it had pneumonia on it. And I said, he says, no, man, go get a coin. I said, really? Fuck you. So I pick it up and I wipe my face down with it and wipe my hands on it.

And he starts going at it, talking with me shit. And I said, really? I said, so I fired it at him, like at his chest. You threw something at him. Well, it was a napkin. I just threw it back at him. It was kind of like a little pitch. I just threw it back. I gave him a little, like, you know, kind of like a, like a, like, you know, just a, not like a, like a little pitch, you know? Right, yeah, yeah.

I'll fuck you up. And then he tries to throw it at me hard as he can. Yeah. Obviously, I dodge it and it knocks out a whole fucking table. All the customers in there get their whole table wiped out. Oh, my. This happened ten minutes ago. Yeah.

You should never go up against me. No, I would never do that. But that's my point. Your life, your life like mine can become chaos, right? It can. Because of how we live. We have a lot in common. Yes, we do.

We do. But, you know, I'm a comedian, which is whatever, but you're a legendary baseball player, who people love, by the way, and people love flawed people. Well, I appreciate that. I think the key is I got hits when they mattered, and that's what it's all about. Just now at the deli. Yeah, just, right.

You were clutch. The thing is, home runs are the most overrated stat, because if you look back and you check the stats, home runs, it matters when it matters. Does that make sense? It matters when it matters. Of course. So, like, when the big fucking game was on, when the red light was on.

Second and third two outs down by a lot. Yeah, man. Like, most people are scared. They don't want to be up. Yeah, yeah. I want to be up there. You want to be up. I want to be up there.

Well, you could tell that watching you, dude. You played 1,000%. Yeah, I mean, I do everything 1,000%. Yeah. I mean. But that's the. Here's the problem. I do that, too, with what I do for a living, but I can't turn it off, and I get addicted

to that excitement. How in the fuck, after you play in a postseason, forget about the 86 series, the Red Sox, the Astros, the league championship series. Yeah, it was crazy. That was the craziest postseason of all time. Well, that's amazing you bring that up. How do you stop living at that level of excitement. But speaking of the Astros, because that's so crazy you brought that up, because I'm not here and we don't win the World Series in

1986, so we're... Bob Knepper's pitching game six. I remember. Mike Scott was unhittable that year. They thought he was throwing a spitball. Right. Do you think he was throwing a spitball? He was throwing some kind of nasty scuffle. Striking every one of you motherfuckers. Carter couldn't hit him. Hernandez couldn't hit him.

No one could hit him. Right, right. So game seven, we'd have him. Yeah. So we're losing 3-0, and then the lefty, Bob Knepper's pitching a little fucking Cunning Thumber. So in other words, right, so if you don't win game six, you're going to see Scott in seven.

That means the party's over. Right, right, right. He was that good. So yeah, so I'm platooning, though, because Davey, you know, dumb, dumb, I didn't get along with the manager. Davey Johnson. Yeah, he's a fucking... It looked dumb, dumb, I didn't get along with the manager. Davey Johnson. Yeah, he's a fucking. It looked like someone put out a fire in his face with cleats.

Well, I mean, he was best friends with Jack, as you know, and Daniels, you know. I mean, everyone says he was a player's manager. Of course he's a player's manager. He's hungover. He's in his office all the time. You never talk to him. So he's a big drinker. Yeah, so anytime.

Anyways. Okay. So we're losing three-nothing. Net persona one-hitter. Yeah, I anytime. Anyways. So we're losing 3-0. Neffers throwing a one-hitter. Yeah, I remember that. So Davey walks down the end of the dugout and says, you're leading off the ninth. I said, oh, you finally want to fucking win, huh?

Wait, so you pinch hit at that point? Yeah. You weren't playing? That was actually the biggest hit of my Met career. Wait, explain this to me. So you weren't hurt? He just benched you? No, he platooned me.

Oh, he platooned you. Yeah, with left-handers. So who, Mitchell was the other guy? No, Mookie, which was cool. Me and Mookie were tight. Because Mookie was a switch hitter. Yeah, Mookie, he's a good dude. And you were a lefty, so okay.

Yeah, Mookie just had some bad fumes, you know, the breath. Well, you and him had the craziest collision of all time. Oh, dude. When you two hit each other in the face. Wow, and he held on to it. Was that 86? 86. Guys, go on YouTube and Google Lenny Dykstra and Mookley Wilson colliding in left field.

They hit each other in the face. Damn, Artie, you're on point, man. I remember sports, dude. I remember. Yeah. So, okay. So, anyway, so we're losing 3-0. It's looking dreary, dude.

We're in the dome, number one. Mike Scott's going game seven. As you know, like I said, the guy was literally unhittable that year. It was so funny to watch Gary Carter strike out against him, and I complained to the young, he's throwing a spitball, and then Scott turns around when they throw it around the infield, and he's giggling. He's giggling

like I'm striking his mother with a bat. He was actually scuffing the ball or something. What's the action on the ball that he's throwing? He would scuff it. What does he do, though? It's like a fastball, but it's like a forkball. Yeah, it drops, but it's not like a changeball, but it's like a forkball. But yeah, it drops. But it's not like a change-up. So you don't recognize spin, because it's looking like a fastball,

but all of a sudden it just sinks, and it ends up in the dirt. And then you see, like you said, like I already said, Carr looks back and tells the umpire, that doesn't do you no good. You're still out. You still got to go fucking back to your room. Right, and what are you going to do? I can't conduct an investigation right now.

So that actually was the biggest. So you got up against Knepper. Yeah. So I got up against Knepper. That's when Davey says, you're leading off the ninth. That's when I says, fuck. What a fucking time you want to win. So you're down 3-0.

Down 3-0. Knepper, we and him, you know. So I hit like a towering ball in like right center. Yeah. I thought I would be caught, man. But it was like fucking the baseball gods. That's when they came out. The gods were with you guys in 86, bro been caught, man. But it was like back in the baseball gods, that's when they came out. The gods were with you guys in 86, bro.

I mean, if the baseball gods were with anybody, yeah. And again, I agree with you. Not because I played in the series, but I think the 86 postseason. Best of all time. It has to be. And I'm a Yankee fan. It was fucking crazy. You got my two least favorite teams of the time.

Now I love you guys because you were so rock and roll. You guys were the Oakland Raiders of the 70s of baseball. Just cool. I mean, even Ray Knight punching out Eric Davis in first base. You guys were fighters and partiers. Yeah. It's funny. I didn't party, though, because I was too young.

I didn't even know how to party. At that point, you would never. I got my first beer in the big leagues. Wow. Yeah. I made up for it later. Yeah, of that point you would never... I got my first beer in the big leagues. Wow. I made up for it later. I didn't even know Doc was doing whatever he was doing. Dancing with the White Lady. You bring up a good point there.

You go on to win that series. I remember... Now the Angels Red Sox series was nuts. Dave Henderson's home or Donnie Moore ended up killing himself, gave up that home to him. So now the Sox and the Yanks and the Mets are playing. Right. Now Gooden in 85 had a 24-4 record, okay?

Again, the two things got me to Shea Stadium in the 80s was you guys and the Rolling Stones. Oh, I love the Rolling Stones, dude. Fucking Rolling Stones. And when Gooden would pitch, I would say, I got to go watch this. But then kind of the blow takes over in 86, and he goes like 17 and 8. So that's so crazy you just brought that up. Because see, our codename, Mike, had to come up with a code for blow.

Right. So we couldn't say around the bank, who got the blow. No, so you know who we named it? Keith Richards. Okay, yeah, yeah. Because Keith Richards, he looks like a lion of blow. Right, he does. So like we say, he's great. So you just brought up the Rolling Stones. The Stones guitars. Yeah, so is Richards

in the house? Well, how about Keith Hernandez? I would have been good for him too. He did that younger. So this is my point. Now, you guys are kind of like anger with fighting, drugs, you know, and you're a young kid and you, and I want to get into like Gooden. You had no idea Gooden was that, that fucked up. I didn't.

How about Strawberry? No, not at all. So Strawberry and Gooden are, and they've admitted this, those, like we're at dealer's house, like Gooden missed the fucking. The parade. The parade because he was with a hooker at his Coke dealer's house. Yeah. and they've admitted this those like were at dealers house like couldn't miss the fucking the parade the parade because he was with a hooker

at his coke dealer's house which is if you can't get more rock could you imagine a baseball player doing that Doc's doing great right now too man

he's sober I mean he just had some he had a real problem like even like if the cop like when you get caught driving

the wrong way the cop can't even like say like hey I got you I'm a fan of yours I'm not your well I want to ask you about that too because it's so awkward I tweeted out he's trying to win driving the wrong way. A couple of them in Newark. The cop can't even say, hey, you're on the fan here. Well, I want to ask you about that, too, because it's so awkward. I tweeted out he's trying to win

the Die Young Award. Yeah, but not no more. He's doing great. I hope he's okay. I'm really fucking rooting for him. I talked to him today, actually. Okay. Yeah, he's doing good.

So Gooden and Strawberry, you don't know, they're going off the rails. Now, what about Pussy? Now, what about that? Now, what about Broads back then? about that? Now, what about broads back then? Were you, as a young player, were you, like, really going nuts with chicks?

I mean, like, dogs gotta eat, you know? Yeah, right. But was it like, you're a young kid, the drugs haven't taken over yet, but we're like, the women in the 80s... Plus, I'm young and I can pitch a 10 at will. I mean, you know what I mean?

Now it's a dick pill. Were you out of control with women ever at that point? You were just living good at that point. Yeah, I mean, look. The way it was on the road was when you get the pussy. Right. Were you in a relationship at that point?

I was married. You were married, so you were with women on the road. Well, but then at home, you've got to recharge your batteries. Yeah, yeah. So that was like the system. And I had a great wife,

by the way. It wasn't her fault. No, I understand. In fact, I gave her my whole pension. Yeah, yeah. Like 10 grand a month. Look, we've all fucked up.

But that being said, that being said, you know, pussy has brought down, like, I mean, empires have fallen over. Let me tell you something. Richard Pryor had the greatest line.

He goes, I don't know why bitches always complain. I got half the money and all the pussy. I mean, that's like Socrates shit. Well, I mean, I'll tell you what, though. Until I bought my own plane, though, I thought pussy was the most powerful thing. Oh, you had your own plane? Yeah, man. I bought a plane.

Planes are better than pussy? Planes, except it'll go broke fast. How about pussy on a plane? No, that's, you're on a plane. you're just, that's a money pit, right? Oh, dude, it was a money pit, and like, I mean, Bob Seger said, man, we were running to live and living to run. Yeah, yeah. And I love that, too, about, I mean, that's why I got into fucking show business.

Again, we were talking about these younger comics nowadays, and young players, like if they have a gluten muffin, they go to rehab or something. There's no more rock and roll, is my point. And you and I are kind of in the same thing, me in a much lower level, that we still sort of represent that to people. And it's helped my fame because I'm such a fuck-up on a level. Like in the 80s, I would have been an average fuck-up.

Now nobody fucks up on my level, except you. Well, I mean, all right, listen. Your bottom line is... Except you would play good. Let's call it like it is. Hey, who else gets fucking kidnapped by an Uber driver and gets charged fucking... I mean, they fucking charge me with a fucking felony. Again, but Lenny, what I'm trying to say to you is, psychologically, it's the chaos.

You seek it out. You don't think you do. But you do. Because I do the same fucking thing. You know what? So the person in the room Next door told me That she's like a real smart Like corporate type You're with a good woman here

Yeah she says like Lenny's always with someone Chaos is always Like it just happened next door Yeah yeah You went to the deli For ten minutes To get coffee

But I never started though And you threw something at it Yeah after the day But at the end of the day You know what When someone says Would you do it differently Fuck no Me neither No way man That's what they don't get That's the psych That's the fucked up After the day. But at the end of the day, you know what? When someone says, would you do it differently?

Fuck no. Me neither. No way, man. That's what they don't get. That's the psych. That's the fucked up. That's why we're crazy. Because, yes, what do I want to do? Live like a soccer dad taking my fat kids to practice?

Don't forget you're talented, too, though, bro. Well, so are you. I'm saying it takes talent to get in the box, okay, and to get in the seat you're in. You have to have, you got to be able to fucking hit. Well, it actually just took time. You're making a phone call. Yeah, but I mean. You're right.

I appreciate it. But then once, it's almost like when you get there, that's when all the doors start opening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then we, I kind of walk through them all the time. Me too. And then like. Without touching the flame, man. Yeah, yeah.

And then like, but then, you know, I took a few, a couple years off because they put me in a cage. Me too. Without touching the flame, man. Yeah, yeah. And then, like, but then, you know, I took a couple years off because they put me in a cage. Me too. I had to take that. That's probably what saved my life. I hate to say it, but I had to be blocked up. The first time I ever jerked off was in a fucking... That's a guy that gets a lot of pussy. No, no, dude.

I'm serious. I mean, the first book I read was in the cooler. Well, that's what there was. No, because reading books... You masturbated. No, because reading books, I thought, like Billy Bean, the great general manager. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was my roommate. He made that book about me, actually. Right.

No bullshit. I'd love to read that. But the bottom line is, he used to be reading all the time. I'd tell him, dude, no wonder you can't hit your fucking reading. It's hurting your eyes. So I never read a book. What book did you read? Do you remember?

The first book I ever read was John Grisham. It was called King of Torts. It was about a guy filing bankruptcy. And you read that in jail? Yeah, yeah. I read it in jail, and that's the first time I, like... You jerked off. Well, I became like Benny Hanna.

Yeah, yeah. You have to. I mean, it's like read, jerk off, jerk off, read, jerk off, read. Now, you have a similar situation. Do you get your own cell? Oh, yeah, my own cell, my own cell. So I get my own cell, too, so we have that going for us. Yeah, I was with, like, the Mexican mafia,

but I got the shit beat out of me in there. Yeah, well, they put you in protective custody because... But the only good thing about that, again, it comes back in letters, PC. Right, right, exactly. The perfect cut. You're in perfect cut. Yeah, no. Well, you. Exactly. The perfect cut. You're in PC. Perfect cut. Political correctness. Well, you understand

what that means, right? You're cocked, yeah. What happened was, see, I'm very lucky. I've been born lucky. So I had a Jewish doctor do my circumcision. Yeah. So he told my mother, that's a big deal. Like a bris. It's a big deal, man. I mean, you know that. So he tells my mom. Jews are big. Well, they're all

my friends, every one of them. He tells my mom, I gave your son a perfect cut. Uh-huh. And it's not a monster or nothing, but it's a chick. I'll look at it and go. It's pretty. So what the fuck? Like, it's that good? Like, that's a nice-looking cut?

It's almost like the guy did it. The guy was an artist. He's an artist. Is he still alive? Because if I have a kid, I want him to have a son. Well, I think they named a wing after him, actually, in Tel Aviv. But that being said, so my mom said, nickname me PC. Oh, okay.

And you're in protective custody. And then I have a PC on my plane. And see, everything revolves around PC, dude. We can never put him in harm's way. That's the only thing we're different on. You used to get, I think, whores around PC, dude. We can never put him in harm's way. That's the only thing we're different on. You used to get, I think, whores. Well, sometimes. I would never get a fucking whore.

What's the other word for whore? Oh, yeah, girlfriend. Whatever. Well, my boy Tardy Sheen used to say he got them because you could tell him when to fucking leave. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You pay him to leave, not to come over. The problem is he forgot to tell us they were transvestites.

Yeah, that hurts. Well, Charlie She she's another guy. Again, it lives rock and roll. Again, these stories are so fascinating to young people because no one lives like this anymore. No one lives like that, trust me. That was dark beyond dark beyond dark. And listen, even just the idea of going to jail.

But the point I'm trying to make with your career, so you're young and you're clean cut and you come in and you kick ass. You get a ring in 86. When do you think you start to transform into the guy that, you know, is a rock and roll crazy man? Yeah, well, I'll tell you what. When does that happen in your career? When I went to Philly.

When you went to Philly. See, what happened was, is. Philly will fucking do it, though. Well, Philly, see, I'm like, look, I'm grateful I got to play in New York and Philly and go to the World Series. The two best sports cities on the planet. You played in 93. Yeah, and again, I... The Joe Carter Series.

Well, I mean, I did some crazy things in 93. In fact, I'm not going to brag, but... What did you hit, like 340? There's only one person in the world that can say, like, what left-handed hitter went to the plate more times than any other left-hander in the history of baseball? Right. History's a long fucking time, right?

Absolutely. Does history mean, like, when that— Baseball's 200 years old. Right, and that dude came over here, like, thought the earth was round or flat or something. Yeah, Columbus. Whatever, that's history. Big bang here. So, like, that's a good trivia question, and you know who it is?

A lot of people mention Columbus and Dykstra. Yeah, me. I went to the plate more times than anyone in history. And I led the league. More than any other lefty. Yeah, look it up. More than any. Fuck Ty Cobb. That's huge, though.

Fuck all of them. Yeah. And then also, what else I did was, which is mathematically, this is my life, though, mathematically possible. I led the league in walks and at bats. That is unbelievable. How the fuck can you do that? That is unreal.

And getting on base, it's all about that. I mean. But at 93, so what did you hit 93? Like 340, right? Yeah, no, 310 or something. I walked 150 times. Did you have a 340 year? Did you hit like 340? That was 1990. That's when I learned how to hit. But see, that's also

when I learned that the Empire's controlled my life. Yeah, yeah. So I didn't get fucking sued, but I got smart. I spent 500 fucking grand on some PIs. And followed those motherfuckers around. Explain this. Are you being serious right now? You never heard this? Explain this. Go ahead.

I'm actually smart enough to know I'm not. You hired private investigators to follow umpires. Yeah, because you remember something. I'm actually smart enough to know. I really am. I'm smart enough to know I'm not smart enough. Right. Me too. I wish I was. So what I do is I try to get the most information from the smartest people. So I get one of these geek statistician guys.

He takes like 700 players with 500 bats, and he goes over the counts. So if it's 0 and 1, you're going to hit 190. This is over 162 games. Is he an Asian guy? I don't know. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me. Asian guy? Asian?

I don't know. So go ahead. I couldn't tell if he was looking at me. But anyway, so the bottom line is these pitchers are so good, like the umpire can call it a ball or a strike. And now I know the stats. If it's 0-1, I'm going to hit 1 fucking 90. I'm going to be getting a real job. Right, right, right.

1 90 is not good. So what do I do? I fucking take a half million dollars and I hire a huge firm, follow these umpires around around What year is this? This is in 90 And remember, their blood is just as red as ours Some are gay Some gamble

Some like pussy I remember there was one umpire I don't want to say his name Because MLB called me The commissioner called me I got a call from the commissioner, man. He said, this is a crazy story. But it's not a coincidence I led the league in walks the next two years.

Okay, now wait a minute. Wait a minute. So what you're saying is, I'm going to try to say this clearly. You hired PIs to get dirt on umpires, and you blackmailed them? Well, I wouldn't say that. To give you better calls? I got the outside corner? It wouldn't be so much blackmail. It'd be more like I'd be standing up and put this thing up.

See, I'm so short. You wouldn't say you're a fan. No, I'd be standing up, and then one guy would call a strike, and I'd say, did you cover last night? So he's a gambler. Yeah, he's a gambler. He's a huge gambler. That's astonishing.

And then fear does a lot to a man. Next thing you know. But gambling is the one vice. If an ump's a gambler, he can be compromised. So he can't have that come out. Like I said to the commissioner when he asked me, is the integrity of the game intact? Yeah, yeah.

Wow. I said, yeah, of course it is. But if you want to know who's gay, I'll let you know. Does the catcher say anything? He hears you saying this. They can't speak English, the catcher. Well, the catcher, yeah. Did they? Piazza said can't speak English, the catchers. Well, the catchers, yeah. Did they?

Piazza said, he just said, look here with them fucking sweet eyes, you know? Now, Piazza, there was a rumor he was gay. He's not gay, right? I don't know, man. Okay, so you can't confirm it or not. I don't know, man. But let me ask you something. He gets fucking hit, though.

I can tell you that. What if the umpire was gay? What would you say? What would you say? What was your, did you cover last night? I remember saying exactly what I said. I said, how was Rex last night? And the motherfucker looks at me like, you know, you got that deer in the headlights look. I said, that's fucking right. So now you're telling him, I know you're gay and you get walked. But now that my strike

song goes like this. Wow. That is the coolest fucking thing I've ever heard in my life. I just did anything I had to do. A half a million dollars. Yeah, anything I had to do to win. That's a guy who wants to win. Right. And it's not a coincidence that both teams I played for went to the World Series. What is the craziest thing you ever found out about an ump that you confronted him about?

Well, I mean, being gay. I mean, come on. That is the craziest thing. I mean, waking up next to another guy's fucking hairy ass. I mean, come on, bro. For someone to put a dick in my ass, you better fucking kill me. So you're saying that's the craziest thing, being gay. Fuck, man.

Yeah, yeah. I don't care. But you're right. That is such, that's an, I can't believe someone didn't do that. You spent, what were you making a year at that point? Yeah, I was making, I did pretty good. I signed a three-year contract, see, so I had a two million, two million. So you took a quarter of that.

But I invested in the future and ended up getting $30 million. Right. And now you're here. Yeah. And then what happened was. What did you do? But you took a quarter of your earnings for the year to get dirt on a bus. It was a $12 million guarantee, though.

Right. Okay. So, yeah. And I didn't pay them all at once, you know. Okay. But, yeah, I had a whole staff and they'd follow them around. That's un-fucking-believable. And then the ones

that weren't, the ones that, because you still have some, there are some guys that are still like good husbands and like go back to their room. Like you'd get pissed if they were doing nothing wrong.

If they did nothing wrong, I'd still say, I'm going to make some money about you, you know? Who's the guy who did nothing wrong? Like, because he's not going to sue you

because you're saying he's a good person. Who's the guy who did nothing wrong? I mean, there's a few of them. Don Dankinger? I can't. I don't want to say names.

No, no. I'm just saying, well, you're not going to, they can't sue you. Well, Jerry Crawford did nothing wrong. Yeah, okay. So you were pissed off that he, like, he was a good guy. Yeah, but he had a tight zone, though, so he was cool. We were cool in the game. Wow.

And the word got out, too, dude. The word got out about the umpires. Let me tell you something. I didn't give a fuck Well, no, that's fine That's fine But that is, again That is like

People hear that right now Listen, let me tell you something I am a high school dropout From North Jersey My father was pretty much a criminal I've been a longshoreman A cab driver A road comic

I was on the Howard Stern Show That shocks me, that story That is one of the coolest Fucking things I've ever heard Well you know what Your shit is But the idea of hiring That's really brilliant though

It's also smart It's like a smart thing to do I mean look I'm not Like I don't talk too smart I don't actually act too smart Well that's when you can get people

You lull them to sleep. At the end of the day, I can be pretty smart. But at the end of the day, you know, on the field, like, ego, like, you have to have, you have to walk around like you've got a 15-inch cock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's sports. It's a masculine situation. Dude, especially when I got on the shit, okay?

Like, in 1990, I was ahead of the curve. Steroids? Yeah, I mean, like, in 89 when I got traded. That's when you started. Oh, I got traded, and, okay? Like in 1990, I was ahead of the curve. Steroids? Yeah, I mean, like in 89 when I got traded. That's when you started. Oh, I got traded and I'm a little guy. I mean, like, and like,

so now I get to play every day and I come out of the gates raking. Next thing I know, my bat's feeling like a telephone pole. I'm living in Mississippi. Right.

And I say, 1990's the year, man. It's going to be the year if I... Why were you in Mississippi? Is that where you're from? My wife was from there. I know people live there yeah I know

just say why the fuck would a huge millionaire no no people fucking live there actually it was a and then I got caught in some fucking renegade gambling fucking poker game yes yeah it was fucking crazy but but but the thing is is so you start doing roids around 89 well see because I knew that night, it wasn't that I needed somebody to teach me how to play baseball. I needed to keep my weight on because I'm only 5'9". Yeah, you really, I mean, when you look at you, you go, this guy's one of the best hitters ever.

I just looked up this hillbilly doctor in Mississippi and I called him, I made an appointment, and I said, listen, I don't even know what he's going to give me. I said, here's the deal. I don't need any fucking drug or pill to know how to play baseball. I was born to play baseball. You know how to play baseball. But I can't.

It's a six-month. Stamina. Fucking, it's really seven months, and it's every fucking day. That's what people don't get about steroids. Like they say, you could just do it. It's such a long season, which it is. It's the most grueling schedule on sports. It really is, yeah.

And the thing is. And the traveling. So this guy says, I said, I need someone that's going to keep the weight on me, I said. And so he gives me a prescription for Deca-Durabolin. Uh-huh. I go in right, ain't standing right in line. Just like nothing. He said, come back and I'll show you how to do it.

That's how different it was. That's how different it was. And it's not against the rules at that point. It wasn't illegal then. Right, right. Exactly. So again, I get my Deca. Next thing I know, I go back to his office.

The guy brings out a fucking harpoon, man. In your ass? In the ass, yeah. So then I hire a trainer and I work my ass off. I go from 160 to 190. I walk in fucking, like Reggie Hammond said, he said there's a new fucking sheriff in town. And his name is Lenny Duxley.

Yeah, his name is Lenny Duxley. Y'all be cool now. And the thing is, the pitchers knew the confidence, man. Right. So do you think mentally you got crazier too? Mentally, I was like,

I was just, because it's so mental. Baseball is so, life is mental. But baseball is even more mental. The physical and the mental thing, you gotta keep your head straight for a long time, too. The thing about baseball, what it is, and that's where Billy Bean and I, that's what he kind of talked about,

is it's all or nothing. It's kind of like how we live, meaning either you get a hit, which is everyone's high-fiving you, or you make an out, which is a right turn. You've got to walk the gauntlet. You've got to walk down your dugout. And, you got to walk down here, dug out. Yeah, absolutely.

And all your teammates treat you like a Russian spy. Right. What are they going to say? Good job? You're going to fight him. What the fuck? You just made an out. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So you got to. And there's not even that. That competition's not there anymore. No, so you walk. They high five each other. You walk the gauntlet. Yeah, yeah. Then the coaches are all over in their corner.

You got to put your helmet on. Then they're looking at you like, there's that motherfucker. Right. You know? So it's such extremes. It's all or nothing. But the extreme, like again, but Lenny, your life, your entire life is a metaphor for that because you go from this clean cut kid winning the 86 series and four years later you are

doing steroids, bribing umpires. Doing whatever I have to do. Blackmailing umpires. Yeah, dude. You know why? Doing what I have to do. You know what?pires. Yeah, dude. You know why? You know why? Doing what I have to do. You know what?

We were predicted to finish last that year. We went and we fucking ran the table and went to the World Series. You're talking about 86 or what? In 93. Oh, in 93. Yeah, in 93. Because I'm pretty good at like, so are you probably. Yeah.

Like talking to your teammates and, hey, try this. It works. Oh, yeah. Well, peer pressure. Wait, your to your teammates and, hey, try this. It works. Oh, so you have a peer pressure. Wait, your foot hurts? Out-drug it, motherfucker. Well, here we go. Let me say this to you. So you said to me that Keith Hernandez got you smoking cigarettes.

Yeah, yeah. So Keith was kind of a cool guy. Cool as shit. Had coke issues with the cars. I don't know. That was a long time ago. In the early 80s. Yeah. So you never did blow with it.

No, no. I never did blow with it. Okay, that's fine. But, again, he was famous for having a beer, watching the last out of the 86 series. He makes an out. He taught me how to play, though, man. Right. An amazing hitter.

Seems to be a fun guy. So you're smoking while you're playing baseball. You're smoking cigarettes. Yeah, trying to. Attempting to. Right. I'm just doing it because he says, hey, because he doesn't want to be down. He's all beamed up.

He doesn't want to be alone down there. Right. So you have vices, but you're an athlete, like stuff you would never see now. Yeah. Well, remember, you're talking to a guy that had one friend in high school. Right. You know why I had one friend? I need somebody to play catch with.

So you were just all baseball. Never had a fucking girlfriend. I mean, I had some pipe cleaners. Yeah, yeah. Okay. And never fucking went to a dance, never went to a party. Do you think that's why your cork came out like so crazy, like you just said? That's why I went to the big leagues never went to a party. Do you think that's why your cork came out so crazy, like you just said? That's why I went to the big leagues.

Making up for loss. That's why you went to the big leagues, but then you're like, now I'm going to party like crazy because I never did. All right, listen up. Artie Lang's Halfway House is brought to you by Blue Chew. Guys, let's talk about sex, good sex. Mike, you've had sex, right? Every day. Have you had good sex?

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Well, is there a better endorsement than that? Mike likes scratch-off lottery tickets. Go to MyBookie.ag. Do you think that's why your cork came out so crazy, like you just said? That's why I went to the big leagues. Making up just said? That's why I went to the big leagues. That's why you went to the big leagues, but then you're like, now I'm going to party like crazy because I never did. Well, I mean, like I said, I

figured out the system. Like every third, I'd sign a three-year deal, then I'd go on a deal for two years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'd fly around fucking Europe, fucking I mean, Monte Carlo, here I come. No, no. But you're a star player in high school. You must have been. You must have been great. Yeah, I mean, shit, I hit I come. No, no. But you're a star player in high school. You must have been. You must have been great.

Yeah. I mean, I hit 550. So they drafted me in the 12th round. They said I was too small. Right out of high school. Were you not popular from that? Yeah, I mean, I was. But remember, like, everybody's the best player.

Okay. Because that was the year they drafted Strawberry and Bean, number one and two. So you and Strawberry got drafted the same year? Yeah, I was, like, way down. 80? There was, like, a bunch of fucking, like, top drafts. Because he was 18, too. He was got drafted the same year? Yeah, I was like way down. 80? There was a bunch of fucking top drafts. Because he was 18, too. He was right out of high school.

Yeah, 18 and hung like a fucking swamp mule, too. Is Strawberry got a big cock? Dude, it's not big. It's a crane, dude. So you've seen him in the shower like Strawberry has a big cock? Well, no, I asked him. I'm not a fucking gay. I said, dude.

But you don't shower? You don't see the guy's cocks? Well, I mean, it was actually traumatizing. That's not going to be a jail where a huge black cock will do that. No, I'm, dude. But you don't shower, you don't see the guy's cocks? Well, I mean, it was actually traumatizing. I mean, no. That's happened to me in jail where a huge black cock will do that. No, I'm telling you. No, no. They taped his cock to his leg, bro.

Wow. No, no. Because I said, you know, it's so. They taped his. Listen, no, no. The end, because, you know, the end got a little wobbly because the blood, I don't think the blood could flow all the way. Did he not circumcise?

Oh, no. He's got, he's got, he's got,? Oh, no. He's got a hammer, dude. Did you ever fuck a chick after he fucked her? No, no. I never did that anyway. PC didn't enter too much. No, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

PC, we're very protective of him, you know? Yeah, yeah. I hear you. Yeah, yeah. Because, you know, that deal when you take a shower and you soap up. Right. And, like, you know, sometimes we take a piss as a dude and it stings a little. Yeah, yeah.

But if you fuck the chick in the last 10 days, it's like, because you're mine, it's like, is it the soap or is it the soap or is it... Or am I going to die? So what you do is you become a knob man. Yeah. You become a knob man. Blowjobs. Yeah, but you got to carry tongue depressors around you.

Blowjobs are... To me, blowjobs are way better on the road to get because there's no chance of pregnancy. There's no rape kit that can be done. It's called maturity. Exactly. It really is. It's almost better.

You know, pussy's fantastic. God did a good job of that. But with a blowjob, it's almost a better situation. Because you know it's a soap. Right. You know it's a fucking soap. And it's metal. Yeah, yeah. It's hard to get herpes from a mouth. Actually, there was

a time, though, when I was like one year, again, I'm always ahead of the curve. One year, I was kind of doing like, I was kind of like on a mission because I was a missionary man too. But where I'm going with that is so what I did is I took like five times the normal strength of

amoxicillin every fucking day. Wow. It's like having a sniper on the end of your fucking car. Oh, my God, man. It's like having a sniper on the end of your fucking car. So once you get something that works for you, you go nuts with it. Yeah. Which is what addiction is.

Yeah. I mean, I'm addicted to now being a man of the people, you know? Yeah. Well, you are, dude. And I love you for it. But so what I want to ask you, so in 86, the baseball gods are with you, right? 93 is a different story. Joe Carter hits that home run.

You lose that World Series. Mitch Williams. Mitch Williams' wild thing comes in. Box of fucking rocks. Number 99. What do you think of Mitch? I got to know Mitch a little bit, but what do you think of Mitch? Do you like him?

He's fucking smart as his fucking microphone right there. Yeah, he's, yeah. I mean, no, look, the bottom line is Mitch. Mitch Williams gave up the home of the car. He just didn't get it. And I don't blame him for that. I mean, like, he didn't try to do it. Right.

But it was the way, like, we'd have a three-run lead, okay, and how it works for a pitcher, a save situation is if you have a three-run lead or less, you can get a save. So we get an insurance run in the ninth, like, you had a four-run lead. Yeah. So now he'd come in, and he'd be all pissed off, you know? Right. Like, what the fuck?

You know what I mean? It's just pitch. It's like Schilling, but, like, when Schilling pitched, okay, Schilling, like, when he pitched, he'd always come around to me and say, hey, dude, how you feeling tonight, man? You're going to have a good one tonight, aren't you? Right. And, like, I remember, like, somebody saying, like, man, all he cares about himself. I said, I wish we had four other motherfuckers

that just cared about themselves he fucking gets me out of here in two hours my pussy fucking doesn't have to wait everything's on fucking time I know what to expect he puts us in a predictable situation they said about Tommy Johnny, threw a lot of ground balls it was a quick game

just ask him, by the way well, Schilling I tell you what, I was at the bloody sock game against the Yankees, I was at quick game. Yeah, I mean, Schilling knew what the fuck he was doing. Just ask him, by the way. So, right. Yeah. Well, Schilling, I tell you what. I was at the bloody sock game against the Yankees. I was at that game as a Yankee fan. I never saw a pitching performance like that in my life. Yeah, no, he's a guy you want in the big games. But my point is, so what's a bigger emotion?

The thrill of winning in 86 or the disappointment in 93? Carter hits that home run. You got to leave the field. You're in Toronto. And like... You're asking some fucking great questions, man. You are fucking sober. I mean, you're on

fucking point. Because I always think about that. And here was the moment that happened. So obviously in 86, you run and I dove on top of the pile. So in 93. I'm one of the best pileups ever. Yeah.

In 93, I'm wondering, like, do I walk off the field? Do I run off the field? So you're, like, because you lost. Yeah, we lost. And they're all fucking celebrating. And you're on the field. It's a walk-off home run. It's a walk-off home run.

Yeah, yeah. And so, like, I don't know. I just kind of, like, maybe, like, halfway jogged or... Yeah, because you're a winner. You know what? Again, and you had the experience of the kill in 86 and then now in 93, the gods are not with you. Well, they are with us, but because

remember, we knocked out Atlanta. Right, no, I know. And then we went back to, we took, I had a three-run bomb off Dave Stewart. You were on fire that year, bro. And then we had a one-run lead. Looks like we're going to game seven and Mason was on fucking, he was pitching, but it was weird, bro. And then we had a one-run lead. Looks like we're going to game seven. And Mason was on fucking fire. He was pitching. But it was weird, man.

I swear to God. Like, when Mitch came in in the ninth from the dugout, from the bullpen, I looked in Toronto's dugout. It was almost like a race of the fucking bat. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then the next thing you know, Henderson, they had a badass lineup, too, though. Right. No, Joe Carter, man. I got it.

Henderson. Molitor. What about Molitor? Paul Molitor. Molitor. Hey. No, Joe Carter, man. I got it. Henderson. Molitor. What about Molitor? Paul Molitor. Molitor. Hey, you want a trip, man? I mean, like, I hope he doesn't hear this,

but... He's not got a guy. Yeah, but so, me and Molitor, I mean, Letterman has us on his show after the series, both of us together, because we're both like MVPs.

And like, after the fucking show, he says, you want to go have a drink, you know? Right. And I'm like, yeah, cool.

He's like a straight arrow dude next thing i know fucking richards is in the house keith rigids yeah as in richards as in oh i mean it's the code word for like the narrow all right i'm sorry that's like my boy bobby d when i was in fucking so so moeller at blow fucking powder city bro i said what the fuck? So Paul Mulder was holding coke? Yeah, not like my boy De Niro, though. That motherfucker, he took all my shit, man.

Yeah, yeah. I got a great story about De Niro. Yeah, well, let's hear it. So I'm in fucking, so I'm in fucking... Let's skip Mulder, go right to De Niro. Yeah, let's go to De Niro, because he... So De Niro, so Mulder, I'd blow that. That's a, he looks like a Boy Scout.

Yeah, well, he didn't have, I mean, I think I might have added some to it. Yeah, no, I understand. He might, but... Give me the De Niro story. No, the De Niro one is great because I'm in St. Barts, okay?

Okay. And there's two presidential suites only on this island. And so I'm there and I'm the helicopter and pussy in the right now. What year is this? It's in the 90s.

Okay. Helicopter and pussy. No, no, dude, I am. Dude, it's a fucking... I understand. So I see, like, this am. It's a fucking... I understand. So I see, like, this kind of nice-looking black woman walk by.

Right. So you know De Niro's around. Well, I didn't know anything yet. Well, there's a nice-looking black woman De Niro's always following. Right. That's what I understand.

So then the next thing I know, one day I'm coming back. It's during the day, so I'm having a daiquiri, you know, like, I'm not... It's still kind of looming up. Yeah, you're right.

It's the 6 o'clock shoot around. Yeah, there you go. So De Niro, he's kind of walking. He sees me, and he says, looks like you guys are having fun over there. Did he know who you were? I swear to God, I think he didn't. Okay, yeah.

I swear to God, I think he didn't. Anyways, he kind of, one thing led to another. I could tell where he was going. I said, what, you want to hang out with Richards? Yeah, alright. He said, what? Like he's going to know that. Yeah, exactly. I said,

the white lady. I said, do you want to go north? He says, quote unquote, is it any good? I said, is it any good? You're in St. Barnes at the present. I bet it's good. So the next? I said, is it any good? Fuck. You're in St. Barnes with the president. I bet it's good.

So the next thing I know, the next thing I know, we're in his bathroom before I can get the bag over. He's got the fucking, the little bing boom. So now, so now,

now I'm listening to this. This is a great story. It's already the best story ever. We're there like 10 days together. So there's a restaurant there. He's sending me over an $800 bottle of wine. But then I tell him, I said, this is Bobby D.

He said, call me Bobby D. At what point do you tell him you're Lenny Dykstra? I never did. You never did? No. And do you think the whole time he never knew you were a Major League Baseball player? I don't know. I had him caught up in other shit.

Okay. So then I said, listen, if you're going to do this, if you want to hang out with Keith, Keith's better at night. He's better. Play is out. Look, what you do. Well, to me, Keith is great all the time. That's the problem. See, but I figured out the recipe.

Here's the recipe. You take amphetamines during the day. Yeah. Okay, so I told Bobby, take one of these during the day. Because it's like a plane where you want that smooth up. Then you level out. Was he on the set of Meet the Parents the next day? I don't know. All I know is this. Then I said

make sure you got a Xanax too because you might want to cut it. And then when it gets dark, that's when you bring out Richard's greatest hits. Make sure you have every drug they'd make. There's three of them, bro. It's a trifecta. Xanax, no, they call it parachuting. Xanax brings you down. Right, it's like turning the water. You want it a little hotter? Make it hotter. It's a trifecta. Xanax, no, they call it parachuting. Xanax brings you down. Right, it's like turning the water.

You want it a little hotter? Make it hotter. Colder, a little colder. Turn the switch on and off. So does he listen to this? He takes the advice? He listens to it. He fucking is on my, he's got my recipe.

Okay? So next thing you know, so it's finally time to leave after my $300,000 bill or whatever. What about with the coke? It's like a million dollars? Yeah, yeah. And De Niro runs up to me before I'm leaving and catches me

by my helicopter and he says, hey, do you have any more of that stuff? Oh, that's fucking amazing. So, no, on everything I love,

three months later, I'm in Tribeca and there's De Niro sitting with his family. I'm with my buddies. So I say, I'm going to go fucking say hi to my wife.

So I go over there. He fucking looks at me like I'm a fucking red-headed stepchild. He doesn't even acknowledge me. And my friends say, Do you think he remembered you? Of course he did.

Fuck. And my friends say, what a fucking dick he was. I said, what are you talking about? What's he going to say? Hey, honey, remember this is Lenny.

He's the one who got me all the blown stank bars. Yeah, I was going to say, what's he going to say? Look, it's Luke, kids. Yeah, so I was like, He gave me his recipe for Xanax and meth.

He's cool as shit because the only comment he made on the book because the fact checker's in the book, they've had 30 lawyers call me, dude. Right, right, right. And then they want all the fucking pussy. Dude, I've written books. They want all the pussy numbers. I'm saying, I can't fucking remember what I'm fucking...

They call it vetting a book. You've got to vet. I've written books. They have to... Lawyers go through it, line by line. The bad darling didn't vet his fucking book. Okay, well, we'll get into that. He's going to fucking take it in the fucking ass.

That motherfucker. We're going to get into Ron Darling. But anyway, that was the story about DeNiro. But that's, so for 10 days, you're just partying with him on a level of meth, amphetamines. Well, at that time, it was dexedrine. Right.

Seattle's taking over for dexedrine now. So it's the same thing. It's the same thing. It's amphetamine. But that's at daytime because it's smoother up. You don't want that fucking... Now, let me get it. I'll tell you something. I was with a stripper once in Chicago, and it's smoother up. You don't want that fucking. Now, let me get it. I'll tell you something.

I was with a stripper once in Chicago. And it's funny you say the Xanax thing. But, again, it's scary how much we have similar experiences. So a stripper, this is one of the only. I've only shot drugs three times in my life. And all three times a stripper prepared the needle for me. And I watched her do it. She shot me with crystal meth between my toes.

Like in a vein right there. And then she gave me three Xanax. And then I fucked her. You fucked her? It's the best sex. There was just enough shit in me. There was just enough of a recipe to where I had the best sex.

The recipe between the toes? She shot it right in the vein. Wow. So it was like an immediate, like, meth high, and then I took three Xanax, and the combination of the two, I had just the right chemicals in me.

There you go. I never, I fucked like, like, you know, fucking Mark Wahl, Dirk Diggler. Dirk Diggler. Yeah, Dirk Diggler. But like, that orgasm I had,

if life was always that feeling of that moment. Did you bust? Yeah, I mean, it was, I even, even. How old were you then? This happened when I was like 29 years old. Oh, okay, sure. You fired a bullet up there. But I'm saying it's so weird that like, it's scary how much we have in common.

Yeah, but I never shot anything though. But I'm saying the fact that you said amphetamines and Xanax. Like I'll never forget that. Well, because Xanax, you know the deal, bro. If the water's a little too hot, you want to make it colder, you just turn it a little... But three Xanax, I put that in my cereal, man. I hadn't had any, but just the combination made the greatest feeling ever. It's the trifecta. I said, Bobby...

So you and De Niro would take the dexedrine, then you... I said, you launch. First thing De Niro would take the dexedrine, then you... I said, you launch. I said, you launch. First thing you do is before you eat, launch. And then Xanax. I said, launch. I said, take fucking your shit before you eat. Right, right. Launch.

Take your two fucking dexedrines. Take two fucking capsules, okay? Yeah. Two capsules. And then if you're feeling a little edgy, a little bit distant, you know, take a Xanax here and there. And, you know, it'll cut it. So in between the dexedrine and the blow, Xanax.

But when the Xanax... When Xanax really becomes your friend is'll cut it. So in between the dexedrine and the blow, Xanax. But when the Xanax, when Xanax really becomes your friend is when Richards comes out at night. Right. Especially when you got his greatest hits albums, which I always have.

Because it offsets the other drugs. You have to offset it because you know, the first time, every time you do a rail, it's like, I'm having a fucking heart attack.

Right, right, right. So you take a Xanax medley and like, oh, I'm fucking good, man. No, no, no. It's got, they call it parachuting down. It's literally what they call it. I mean, think about, like nowadays, think about blow, right. So you take a Xanax medley and like, oh, I'm fucking good, man. No, no, no. It's got, you got to, they call it parachuting down. It's literally what they call it.

Well, I mean, think about, like nowadays, think about blow, dude. Come on. I know. The thing about, what is it? Okay, comes in some Mexican's ass across the border. Then it goes to these fucking. They shit it out at gunpoint in the best western of the Bronx. Right, bro?

And then they go to some drug dealers. Now they've gotten smart. And they say, they take and they cut into ten pieces. Right. Because they want to make more money. Of course. So they fucking throw speed in. And God knows what they cover.

You don't even want to know what they're putting in. There's fentanyl in it. Right. I had blow with fentanyl in it. I didn't even know. So if you think about it. Then you catch an opiate app. By the way, that's the devil itself.

Yeah, yeah. I got trapped on those motherfuckers. Me too. Heroin. No, dude. I went to Israel to get off those fuckers. That's another story. That's where you go to get on them. In and of itself, dude. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't get those motherfuckers. Me too. Heroin. No, dude, I went to Israel to get off those fuckers. That's another story. That's where you go to get on them.

In and of itself, dude. Yeah, yeah. I couldn't get off those fuckers. The physical withdrawal is so fucking... It's awful. In fact, we have... Were you taking oxygen? Were you taking pills?

No, no. So, yeah, always pills. I never shot anything except steroids. Yeah, but that's just like heroin. Well, here's the deal on that. You're in the same car going down the same road with the same destination. Yeah, yeah. It's a fucking dead end.

And it ain't good. You want to get there faster, take heroin. You want to get there slower, take Vicodin. Yeah. But there's no exits on that fucking road. No, it ain't. You can't see. You know what?

I don't like it. And there's no escaping the eventual hell. You're either going to get through it or not. Unless somebody's been through it. That's why I always tell doctors or anybody, because I learned, like, so how I got my first one is I'd watch my teammates. Like, this is in 1993 when I'm fucking, like, had the surgeries, but I'm playing every day. I'm on a contract here. Right.

And so my teammates, they'd be, you know, Kruk and Dahl, and they'd be drinking 20 beers after a game. I said, I can't fucking do it to my trainer. You and Kruk must have been, yeah. Yeah, but I said, I'm a leadoff hitter. I can't do it. So I said to my trainer, like were crook, must have been. Yeah, but I said, I'm a leadoff hitter, I can't do it. So I said to my trainer, like, there's got to be something else.

He gives me this white little fucking pill. Yeah. I take one white pill, have a drink, and I said, these dumb motherfuckers, I fucking beat them again.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thought I reinvented the wheel. Well, that's what drugs do, man. Drugs are like, they work. That's the problem. Dude, dude, I thought I reinvented the wheel. And before you know it,

you can't fucking, you're in the game. And it's amazing, though, how the human body will fight for you. You know, your endorphins will fight at the beginning. But once they get their ass kicked, then it's lower highs and higher lows. Now it's like eventually they've got to abandon you. Because they don't trust you anymore. This black guy, this older black guy, he was a junkie from the 70s,

like a philosopher, a real smart guy I was in rehab with. He said he was in group, and he said this about heroin. He goes, with heroin, guy, he was a junkie from the 70s, like a philosopher, a real smart guy I was in rehab with. He said, he was in group and he said this about heroin. He goes, with heroin, man, you get cool. No matter what, you'll be cool. No matter what the situation is, you get cool. And he goes, I'm just caught up in the cool. That's what he said. I'll never forget

that. Like Miles Davidson goes, I'm caught up in the cool. Yeah, but you're also caught up in the fucking stomach problems and the fucking nightmares. You can't shit, which is where the in the cool. Yeah, but he's also caught up in the fucking stomach problems and the fucking nightmares. You can't shit, which is where the coke comes in. Yeah, even that didn't make a shit. Now, let me ask you this. In St. Barts, who's your coke connection?

You bring it with you? Like, you don't bring it with you. I put pussy in, bro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, that's the fucking... Dude, I had a fucking trifecta of good. And De Niro needed... So, in other words, for 10 days, that was the dance?

The Xanax? I got him on my program, and he fucking... I don't know, he might still be on it. And then he forgot. Well, the story's like, the night Belushi died, supposedly De Niro was there with Rob Williams. He was supposed to be a big co-guy. But it took me fucking years to master this fucking program.

Well, listen... It took me years to learn how to hit. Nobody teaches you how to hit. So how long ago, how long after that, do you see De Niro and try back at him? Like three months. And he just totally blew you off?

Blew me off like a red-headed stepchild. And then my friends say, what a fucking dick. And have you seen him since? No, no, but he made a comment when I came out with my book.

Right, right. After they back-checked it 30 fucking times. And you know what he said to the comment? He said, that's bullshit. Yeah, yeah, wow.

That's all he said. Well, of course. Of course. But listen. I'm sure he'll listen to this happy. But Bobby, he. Wow. That's all he said. Well, of course. Of course. But listen. I'm sure he'll listen to this happy. But Bobby, he was cool as shit. And I swear to God, I still don't know what he thinks. I don't think he knew who I was.

No, no. Which to me. He thought I was Dirk Diggler, bro. Which in a weird way is the greatest part about the fact he never told him. That is the greatest way. The greatest part about the story is that he never knew that he was one of the only six He was there alone, by the way? No, he was with his family.

Oh, shit. Yeah. Did you know that? No, so he couldn't take it. Think about it, dude. All this fucking pussy fucking coming back and four helicopters landing, flying off. Yeah. Fucking.

You don't want to be with your family. Right. He fucking, he literally, he couldn't fucking take it, dude. Lenny, that's one of the best stories. Yeah, it's like that fucking Adam dude, you know. He finally couldn't take it and he fucking said, I'm going in on Eve. He went in. Oh, Adam and Eve.

Yeah, he went in. I thought you meant Adam Schiff. No, Adam. No, but Adam, I don't know much about the Bible, that shit, but supposedly Adam. Adam and Eve were the first two human beings. Like, he fucked her, I think. Yeah, he fucked her. But yet they say Jesus was born without getting fucked.

What the fuck's going on here? That makes no sense. I don't get it, man. Well, Mary, the Virgin Mary was a virgin, but she gave great head. Like all virgins, she gave a good blowjob. You think they gave head back then? She took care of the PC. Yeah, well, as long as it's not nicked up.

Did De Niro bang the chicks, too? No, no, he didn't, man. What, do you think he was going crazy about it? Plus, I don't think I had any... I think maybe a couple Mexicans. But that's what drugs do. Like heroin, pussy, you don't even care about it anymore. But coke, you want to fuck.

Like, you know, and amphetamines. From what I understand about heroin, it's the end-all drug. You don't need anything else. Because, again, the way that brother said it in rehab, what I just said to you, I wish I had that on tape. He goes, I'm just caught up in the coup. You're caught up in it.

There's nothing. What about when you can't find a vein? You don't think about all the bad shit, do you? I snorted it. I earned this fucking nose. You snorted coke? No, heroin and coke. You snorted heroin?

Yeah. I didn't even know you could do that. That's how you end up with that nose? Don't try it. I don't want to try it. No, I'm too old for that shit. I don't want to see you. Don't do it.

Kids, anyone listening, I know this sounds like we're having fun. It's just, all I do is take what the doctor prescribed. Yeah, yeah. Well, that could be bad, too. Well, he prescribes it. So I justify it. I didn't write it. He wrote the script.

Lenny, you're one of my favorite people. That's what I told my probation officer, bro. Yeah, yeah. I said, like, my... Do you still have a PO? No, I fucking... I passed in flying colors. Oh, yeah. Lenny, you're one of my favorite people. That's what I told my probation officer, bro. Do you still have a P.O.? No, I fucking, I passed in flying colors. Jesus, how am I struggling? So I beat the system, so my doctor would give me,

write me Adderall, and my P.O. would say, you're showing up with these false negatives, and I'd say, he says, I want you off that. I said, well, I'm not that, whatever it is, false positives. You gotta pee in a cup.... Oh, the feds. You got to pee in a cup.

It's with the feds. They got nicer probation officers than the fucking IBM officers. Well, I'm dealing with... I'm drug court, and they're in your life. Yeah, they are. And the thing about it is... But isn't it a nice feeling to walk in there knowing that you don't got nothing in there?

Honestly, it's like when a cop pulls me over now, I'm like, check the car. Bucket A, man. It is nice. Okay, let me ask you. Just whip it out, no problem. Speaking about cops, speaking about cops, speaking about cops. The video of you recently talking to the cops in Jersey, the Uber thing.

The Uber thing, yeah. The Uber thing. Yeah. This fucking guy was crazy. Okay, now let me ask you something. Because I have a similar thing. These cops, I'm watching those cops. It's happened to me A million times

They gotta question you They gotta do their job But clearly they know Who you are Right Cause the cops They know you're like It happens to me all the time

These cops They know who I am But they gotta do their job And they're almost like What is that like to go How awkward is that for you When you know these guys Well they

They actually were pretty Pretty cool They seem cool But the thing is is like I mean they found a half ecstasy or something in there. I didn't put it in. I said I don't know how the fucking chick put that in there. You're with a chick

in an Uber. No I wasn't but I said it must have been from a long time ago. She must have planted it. It wasn't mine. You know and then they found like some little bit of you know like you know some like I you know, some, like. I have no reason to think you're lying because you just told me the crazy story about Robert De Niro. Well, then they found a little bit of, you know, of the devil's dandruff in there, too.

And I said. Satan's salt. What's that? I said, what's that? So, you know how the Tardis eventually got dismissed? Yeah. By a legal search. It was an illegal search. It wasn't a legal search.

It was an illegal search. Against your rights. So what did the Uber driver say you did? You said you hit him with a... No, the motherfucker... Putting a gun at him?

So check this out, man. I'm going to Staten Island. So when you come out of my neighborhood... First road. The neighborhood I drive, but I'm going with the Italian dude

to pick out granite, too. Yeah. So you got to go to the road, you either make a left or make a right. To go left, you go to Staten Island to go right. So you either believe in Jesus or you don't. So this motherfucker makes a right, and I say, dude, where are you going, bro?

And he says, I'm going where the fuck I'm going. I said, whoa, so you're wrong. Anyway, the guy's fucking crazy. Turns out he's got a huge record. He's on psych meds. So this motherfucker's losing it. What a perfect storm that was. This guy's fucking losing it, dude. So I say,

I gotta fucking star ski and hot shit. I'm gonna have to do the tuck and roll here. So I'm serious. I'm getting ready to do the tuck and roll. I finally get the... Beretta. Next thing I know, the motherfucker hits the safety locks on me. Wow. No. I call 911. I call 911. So you called the cops.

Three times I called 911. And what happened? The motherfucker comes flying into the fucking police station 100 miles an hour. Oh, he drove to the police station? Drove right to the police station. Beelined it. Oh, so when you see that video of the cops questioning you, you're underneath the police station there?

Yeah, it's the police station. Oh, okay. He drives in there. I tried to tuck in Ross. I started seeing us in that bitch, you know? So what does he say to the cops? What does station there? Yeah, it's the police station. Oh, okay. He drives in there. I tried to tuck in Ross, start seeing us in that bitch, you know? What does he say to the cops? What does he claim? Yeah.

He says he's got a gun. I said a gun? Oh, shit. I don't even know what a firearm is. I don't know. I grew up in California. I don't have no fucking gun. And you say to the cops,

I'm a convicted, I've said this to cops too, I'm a convicted felon. I would never have drugs. I don't even know how to, I mean, last time I picked up a gun was when one of my hillbilly teammates, Kevin McReynolds,

made me go hunting with him. Yeah, these guys get up at 4.30 in the morning, fucking all fired up. There's nothing fun about that. I said, what the fuck are you guys doing, man? You need Keith Richards with you. Yeah, and then they say, we're going. We're going. They're all fired up.

It's like dark. You're walking through the woods. And there's like six of them. And I say, what the fuck are we doing right now? Yeah, I mean, it's like people who camp. It's like, shut the fuck up. I'm sleeping. It's fucking crazy.

And then we get there, and they say, okay, McReynolds says, you're going to go up there. I said? Yeah, I mean, it's like people who camp, it's like, shut the fuck up, I'm sleeping. It's fucking crazy. And then we get there and they say, okay, McReynolds says, you're going to go up there. I said, what, on that tree? Yeah. I said, hold on a second. Let's say I do go up on that tree. Where the fuck are the other six dudes going? Because I ain't too smart because bullets fucking travel. You might shoot them or... Right.

So, like, if someone misses and it keeps going, I said, the fuck I am going up on that tree. I'll have the stakes waiting for us when we get back. You know what I remember? Kevin McReynolds was the first guy to get six mil a year. I remember the Mets gave him six million a year. He could play, man. And he could hit the fuck out of a baseball guy.

He just didn't like baseball. Now, what? He didn't like baseball. Which is odd. You can make six million, you're playing a game, you don't like the game. You know, he didn't like the schedule, dude. He wanted to be hunting. Well, that's how you hunt the rest of your life.

The whole different deal, dude. These guys were fucking all fired up. It's 4.30 in the morning. I said, what the fuck? Let me ask you this. Who is, who do you think is the best player you ever played with? Well, I mean, best player I ever like played with. Played with.

Played, I mean, Hernandez as far as a game, as far as playing the game right, which is he taught me. Because he's a great defensive player. Maybe the best defensive first baseman ever. Without a doubt. Him or Mattingly. Yeah, Hernandez, without a doubt. And he also played the game off the scoreboard.

See, the scoreboard dictates what you do. Right. See, nowadays you see in the ninth inning, if a guy swings at a pitch, if he doesn't take a strike and they're down two runs, then he's fucking stupid or selfish, okay? So people, the players, they don't know how to hit. Meaning they get away with it because they have enough talent.

But at the end of the day, they're cheating themselves. They're cheating their teammates. They're cheating the fans. Like A-Rod seems like that kind of player. Yeah. What's your experience with that asshole? Actually, he's actually a pretty nice guy, you know? I mean...

Well, you're on a lot of drugs, too. Yeah. I mean... I've never heard anyone say he's a nice guy. When I met him, I only met him a couple times, but he was a pretty nice guy. Yeah, and look, he's doing... What a comeback. It's almost like he's

too... Well, he married J-Lo. That's like a business arrangement. Yeah, no shit. If they have a kid, that'll be the Puerto Rican Jesus. If J-Lo and Aaron have a kid, that's the Puerto Rican Babe Ruth. That's got to be some good Mexican. Can I ask you a question? This is Mike Boucher from Saturday Night Live.

Where are you going, bro? I see your hair all fucking... I've been dying to ask you a question, right? I'm a huge Mets fan since 50 years, since 1969. I'm a fossil myself. Do you ever meet Tom Sieber and guys like that? Tom Sieber's a fucking dick. Oh, really?

Of course he met Tom Schieber. That's the question. But why is he an asshole? When I went to spring training, they used to have me go to spring training before I was banned from going there. You never meet Tom Schieber. You know, so, like, the alumni dudes, they get dressed in their own little lockers. And, like, he was like Mr. P. He was like, darling, better than.

So I finally said he had his own wine and all this shit. I said, you know what, dude? That is ridiculous. I said, you know what, dude? You're lucky fucking I didn't play against you. I would have hit a fucking bullet off your fucking forehead. He seems like a Southern California pussy. His own wine. Yeah, you know, but unlike Nolan Ryan. Now, Nolan Ryan, I own

that motherfucker, though. Yeah, you did. But that motherfucker, dude, he threw a ball right at my fucking face, dude. And he stared me down. But now, he's a righty, though. You're a lefty. And you got pl. Yeah, you did. But that motherfucker, dude, he threw a ball right at my fucking face, dude. Yeah, well, I mean, Noah Ryan. And he stared me down. But now, he's a righty, though. You're a lefty. And you got platooned, you said.

How much easier, how much better of a hitter do you think you are against a right-handed pitcher? Not that much. No. I actually, sometimes, better off left-handed. So, the platoon with you and Mookie was ridiculous. It's Davey. It was just Davey. Dumb, dumb.

Yeah. What he did, let me tell you what he did, dude. In 88, we fucking ran the table. Another disappointing. You lose to the Dodgers. Dude, he was the most overrated, underachieving manager in the history of baseball. Yeah. He just had good players.

So in 88, we're up two games to one, okay, at home. Okay, remember, this is the year they have Hirschheiser. That's their Mike Scott, okay? And the way Tommy Lasorda used Hershize, he ruined his... He just threw him every five seconds. So check it out. We got a 3-1 lead in the fucking ninth. Good in pitch.

He was great, but he wasn't masterful. He had enough. Remember, we have that madman in the bullpen, Randy Myers, who had nobody to hit off him the whole month of September. And obviously by 88, the cocaine had taken over if Mike Gooden's right. But I'm saying, I mean, he's a hero. So we get three outs.

We go up three games to one, it's over. The series is over. Yeah. But the bottom line is, John Shelby's leaned off. You know what he owned? A 261 on base percentage. Right. You know who else he owned?

Doc Gooden. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meaning sometimes— Some guys just own you. That's right. So Doc buries him 0-2. Okay? Can't put him away. Can't put him away. Can't put him away. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Meaning sometimes... Some guys just own you. That's right. So Doc buries him 0-2, okay? Can't put him away.

Can't put him away. Can't put him away. Walks him. I see him turn around, and he goes, Motherfucker. And I'm looking in the dugout, because now Socia's coming up. Right, right, right. Left-handed.

Left-hander. Matt Myers is fucking clawing at the fucking bullpen door. Yeah. You know, his arm is in his teeth. Myers is a great closer. Dude. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Dumb Dumb, Davey,

he's in the fucking dugout. I'm like, what the fuck's he doing? Why wouldn't he take him out? Dude, first pitch. He owns good. Not only that, not only that, but Sosa hit three home runs

that year off, right? He's sitting on a first pitch, fastball, inner half, wraps it around the foul pole. Right. The fucking air went out of that stadium at that time already. I remember.

We knew. We knew it was over. I was at one of those playoff games. I was at the game where Cowley had the supposedly he had the shit in his mitt and Giamatti had a look at it. Do you remember that? He was like pine tar in his mitt or something like that. Yeah, we did all that shit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was like rock and roll, man. Corking the bats on shit is bullshit, though. You never corked a bat? It's better to fucking just extort umpires. Extorting the umpires is just absolutely brilliant.

Here's why I'm mentally ill, because I think that's fantastic. I would love my kid if he did that. Dude, I had to do it. It's smart. It's smart. Because I'm either going to make fucking $7 million a year or make fucking $40,000 a year taking orders. And guess what the fucking answer is there? Blackmail the empire.

Right. Same thing with steroids. Once everybody started taking steroids, everybody took them. These people get mad at these football players. They're either going to be a bouncer at a strip club or an NFL football player. You're not going to take a needle and make that happen? Right. So you're going to go home and say, I'm a good guy.

Sorry. Sorry, son. You got to split a fucking hamburger with Bob's big boy. That's right. You don't want to live like every schlump. No. Listen, here's the thing. You're a competitor, dude.

That's why I love you. Okay? You're a competitor. And a good man. I think you've got a good heart, too. Thanks, bro. I appreciate it. You do.

You've got a good heart. So do you, man. And you know you're beloved, right? You know that. You're beloved. You're well-loved. Well, I mean, I love New York and Philly and the fans. The fact that they still talk about it, it brings goosebumps to me.

They love you. Because I left all this piece of me spread all over the National League. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But see, I love playing baseball back then. I love fucking competing. Like I told my teammates, you talk to the other fucking team, we're fucking fighting. And of course, that's what the 86... Again, they were fucking cool.

We're going to their house, taking their money and fucking their women. That's're fucking fighting. And of course, I mean, and that's what the 86, again, they were fucking cool. We're going to their house, taking their money, and fucking their women. That's our fucking deal. Nobody says that anymore. I know. And then what is baseball? Babe Ruth was a drunk with every whore on the planet. You know, Ty Cobb was the grand dragon of the Georgia clan.

Milk and cookies and that was what it is. Ty Cobb was in the clan. Ty Cobb was in the clan. What are you going to fucking, I mean, I mean, Ty Cobb was in the Klan. What are you, what are you gonna fucking, I mean, you guys are, you guys are human beings who play baseball, you know, and Storfer, you know. I had it out with the fucking Hall of Fame committee, dude, like, you know, I used to go to Cooperstown.

Do you think you'd ever have a shot at that? No, no, I was in, I was on the ballot, that's it. I'm saying, do you think the writers would ever? No, no, but so what I did though is, is, is, because I like to find out things, so I said, I walked in the Hall of Fame, I talked to some Hall of Fame So what I did, though, is because I like to find out things. So I said, I walked in the Hall of Fame. I talked to some Hall of Fame people. I said, I got a problem.

I want to know what the fucking threshold is. And they said, what? I said, how in the fuck are the three best players in the history of baseball not in the fucking Hall of Fame? Pete Rose won. Barry Bond. Barry Bond. And Roger Clemens. And Clemens.

Fucking nasty. And A-Rod's never going either bro because of the roids Clemens is fucking nasty dude Clemens won four Cy Youngs after he was 35 years old but what I'm saying though is so

I said what's the fucking threshold what's to make somebody a bad enough fucking guy can I explain to you the tragedy of the three guys you just mentioned and A-Rod Barry Bonds

Clemens and A-Rod Pete Rose without fucking question. Don't let him ever manage a game again, but clearly the guy should be in the fucking Hall of Fame. I got my fucking hit. My first hit in the big leagues. Pete Rose, here we go again.

I got the first. My first major league hit. He's playing player manager. He says, congratulations, kid. You only got 4,000 to go to catch me. Yeah, yeah. No, I mean, just again, another rock and roll guy. But here's

the real tragedy of Bonds, Clemens, McGuire, Sosa, and A-Rod. Every fucking one of them would have been Hall of Famers without the roids. Every one of them would have been Hall of Famers without the steroids. Damn, Hardy, you are fucking stone cold

sober. You are on point. You. I'm just saying. You are on point because you know what you're saying? So that's the tragedy. They threw it away. Take Barry Bonds' first 10 years in Pittsburgh, okay? Right. His first 10 years, his numbers are fifth best overall.

Yeah. Fifth best. You're talking about another Willie Mays. Dude, let me tell you something. Listen to some numbers this guy put up. These are fucking, by the way, I hate to say it. I'm the guy that showed him how to fucking do it. Yeah, yeah.

And by the way, all my stories are true. So he extorted umpires as well? No, I showed him how to fucking put a pin in his ass. I did. Well, he gained 40 pounds in his forehead one winter. Right, but so listen to these numbers. So I led the league in walks two times, two years in a row. Because of extorting umpires.

No, maybe. I don't know. But anyway, 120 walks one year, 118. This motherfucker walked 281 fucking times one year. They don't want to go near him. That's fucking crazy.

Dude, in 2002, I bet the Giants against the Angels on the World Chairs. 2002. You bet. I bet everything. I'm at scores.

That's the worst feeling in the world. No, dude. I had the fucking Red Sox in 86. By the way, you owe me 500. I had fucking Red Sox in 86. By the way, you owe me $500. I had the Red Sox in 86. I was 19. That's so funny, man.

Okay, when that ball went through fucking Buckner's legs, I was at a bachelor party. My buddy Mike Lawler's older brother, Mike. No, Pat. His older brother Pat's bachelor party in Elizabeth, New Jersey at a VFW. Hookers naked around us trying to give us, like, blow us. And we're watching TV, 16 inches, watching that game. But when the, like, with hookers on a bachelor party,

gambling tables around, 50 guys not even looking at these naked balls when that ball went through Buckner's leg. Yeah, and 500 back then was like a million. Yeah, well, I mean, forget it. For me. Yeah, for anyone. So. But you know why it went through his legs, right?

Why? McNamara, the, here we go again, um. But you know why it went through his legs, right? Why? McNamara. Here we go again. The baseball guy. Do you think Mookie would have beat that? Well, yeah. Mookie would have beat that out. That was the steamer.

Bob Stanley. They couldn't have got over. But no, what happened, though, is McNamara took Buckner out every fucking game for defense. Kept him in because he wanted to get out of the field to win the race. Because feelings got involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happens with pussy. Feelings get involved. You're right. So when feelings get involved. He should have field to win the ring. Because feelings got involved. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what happens with pussy. Feelings get involved.

You're right. So when feelings get involved, you make bad decisions. And the only reason he leaves him in is because I want to be on the field when we win. Because he had a 20-year career. Right. You're on fucking point. Right. What are you taking?

Give me some of that shit. Gum. Starbucks gum. Damn. But, okay, I could talk sports, and I'm with the guy. We haven't even started talking about pussy yet. What do we get into that? In other words, you've got to understand how exciting this is for me.

And clearly Russ is excited. Mike, I don't know, I think he knows where he is. But I'm saying, like, I could talk sports all day with a jerk-off kid, you know, who I know from rehab who works construction. I'm talking with a guy who is in the game, like one of the guys. The craziest shit ever, dude. This is more exciting to me than you know. Really? How about the

first fucking night home run in Wrigley? Try killing us a funny bone in Pittsburgh. So Pittsburgh, here's Pittsburgh. Pitspuke, I called it. The worst fucking talent in the whole league. So I told my fucking boys, because instead of going to bars,

I had my boys bring the bar back to my suite, so that after the game, I'd have it all waiting for me. So Pitt's puked. They were so ugly. So I said, you dumb motherfuckers. Go get a U-Haul. Back it up to the University of Pitt. Tell all the bitches, free fucking drinks.

We're pushing. It went from the worst city to the best city. Nobody says shit like that anymore. Nobody. And that's what's wrong with the fucking world. We're going to the best city. Huh? Nobody says shit like that anymore. Nobody. And that's what's wrong with the fucking world. We're going to fuck your women. That's what we're going to do

after we beat... The go to the 86 series to me in that game six to me is Bob Stanley because of the wild pitch. The steamer, bro. Right. The steamer.

How about that body? How about that rig? You guys already tied the game. Dude, in game six. You guys would have won in New York. Yes. And people don't realize the next day they were... We don't even remember game seven.

You were losing game seven. We were. I don't even remember. I swear on everything I love. You were losing five to three. I don't even really remember it. I don't even remember it. I remember it clearly.

But I'll tell you what I do remember. That fucking ticker tape parade. Yeah. That was fucking... That was surreal. Surreal, dude. Yeah. I mean, again, a young kid.

And Lenny, you've had a great life. And again, like a lot of people say about me, you're a survivor, and I love you for it. I'm going to end with this. Keep fighting. That's how we do it, bro. Just keep fighting, dude. You've got to go forward, man. And if you're struggling out there, look at me and Lenny.

If we did it, please, keep fighting. We're going to end with this. I'm going to say two names, and I'm going to let you go. Oil Cam Boyd, Ron Darling. Go. What happened? Okay, so Oil Cam Boyd had just called me right before your show. Amazing pitcher.

You hit a home run against him in the 86. For the Red Sox in 86. Lanky black guy. Oil Cam Boyd. Good dude. Mississippi boy. Me and him knew each other. Ron Darling was a pitcher for the Mets. Right, and he writes this crazy book that opens up saying,

I made every racial slur possible. possible worse than anything Jackie Robinson ever endured. I didn't even know who the fuck Jackie Robinson was then. I was 23. Now, wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. So, like, you hit the home run again. When did he say you said this? Like, after you hit the home run?

In his book. No, he waits until his book. He's interviewed me. By the way, they've written every fucking book possible about the Mets and never once. I mean, so here comes Strawberry. Here possible about the Mets and never once. Right. I mean, so here comes Strawberry. Here comes fucking Gooden. Here comes Mitchell.

All I'm saying. Three black guys, by the way. Say it's bullshit. Full of shit. Because it is bullshit. I never did that my whole career. I mean, look, I'm 20 fucking two years old, 23 years old. I'm trying to time him, get ready to hit.

Like, how can you yell all that shit and no one hears it? Yeah. So the can man's coming on my podcast. You. He's gonna be first. Yeah, that's fine We're following you through I'm second on your side. That's great. But the can he's gonna come on He's gonna light it up. He's cool. He's Roger Satchel Paige. Yeah, he's still playing Yeah, that's amazing. So yeah, mr. P though. Mr. Darling said you said all this racial shit about a guy you like Mitchell strawberry and good and say you. See, worse than that is Darling.

Why would he pick me? He doesn't know what he wants me to do. Because you know why? Because you're an easy target. He figures when he probably forgot he said it. Dude, that's right. But what he's going to do, you know what he's going to do? Right.

He's going to take it in the fucking ass. He's going to take it right in the fucking ass. I hope so. You know what, dude? He deserves it because he made up a lie. Especially in this politically correct world, that's a fucked up thing to say about something. And it gets deeper.

Because he needed pity. And so all of a sudden... And he needed to sell books! Thyroid cancer? Yeah. Oh, no, no, dude. One thing about me, I'm not that smart, but I work harder than anybody. What I know about, I know a lot about. So what are you saying about thyroid cancer?

What am I saying? Yeah. They're going to find out. It's going to come out. What I'm trying to say, or probably won't find out, because they've got some big check writers over there. What do you mean? So that darling said he had... Look, what do you do?

Look, the fans were fucking annihilating him. Right. He couldn't stop it. So he claimed... They were fucking... Out of nowhere, he takes a leave of absence and says he has a chest mass. Uh-huh.

So you're saying he doesn't have... He claimed he had cancer, but he doesn't. I don't know. I mean, you know, it's kind of like the umpires, you know?

We'll find out. How's that cancer? Let's put it this way, dude. Let's put it this way. Pull four. Let's put it this way, dude. I do my work. I know you do.

And I fucking grind, and I fucking grind, and I fucking grind, and Darn's gonna find out. You know what the settlement's gonna be? Yeah, dude. I do my work. I know you do. And I fucking grind, and I fucking grind, and I fucking grind. And Darn's going to find out. You know what the settlement's going to be? Yeah, what? I'm not settling until I'm going to make him watch me fuck his wife. Although that's not true because I don't fuck wives.

I never have. What else can you do? And now including yours. Exactly. Including your own. I mean, the bottom line is at the end of the day I Hey That time However time we spent

Went great And already I gotta tell you I'm not blowing you I mean Cause like Like I said Like the day someone

Puts a fucking I even tell my chicks Don't tell me to fucking Pull your hair Don't tell me to fucking Choke you Gotta be careful Put your finger in there

In my ass I'll break it fucking off You gotta be careful So I say the same thing But dude You look fucking great Thank you man

No man I mean like It, it's crazy. Yeah, no. Well, I stopped putting poison in my body for 10 months. It's poison. It's poison. It's poison. And that's, you know, we're having fun here.

We're telling stories. It's poison. For younger people, it's literally poison. It is. And, you know, I cheated death 15 times. Yeah, you did. I only cheated 12. But so have you, though.

Yeah. Len, I got a feeling. Again, you know what? Here's the irony, and I'll end with this. The cleanest cut guy on that 86 team was Gary Carter, no longer with us. Brain tumor. And so that means there's no plan, bro. Dude. There's no plan.

Me and you were sitting here. It's so crazy you say that. Keith Richards is still touring. Right. But a lot of guys don't make it. Dude, it's so crazy you say that. He was the one guy that didn't... He's a great husband, great father.

You want your kid to grow up to be like him. Yeah. He gets a brain fucking tumor. And me and you were sitting here. So that makes me wonder about this God dude. I don't know. The point is there ain't a God. There ain't no plan.

There might be a higher power out there. Something created this. I'm just saying... I'm glad you're still here. Yeah. Is what I'm saying. Thanks, man. Is what I'm saying.

The world's a better place with Lenny Dykstra. Thank you, man. You too, brother. And I'm rooting for you. I'm glad you're still here is what I'm saying thanks man is what I'm saying the world's a better place with Lenny Dykstra thank you man you too brother and I'm rooting for you I'm glad to be here and I can't wait to see you on my podcast

remember I'm gonna do your podcast Pawnee Nails Pawnee Nails opening up and Artie's gonna be the second guest it's gonna be a week

from Thursday Pawnee Nails it's gonna be in Back of a Pawn Shop how's that? Back of a fucking Pawn Shop man that's almost as amazing

as a De Niro story. Russ, any closing comments for Lenny? No, I just know how beloved you are. I know that you know that, probably. Russ looks like he gets a lot of pussy, man. Boy, Lenny is perceptive, isn't he? Russ gets a lot of pussy. Awesome show, man.

Russ, thank you. I love you. And Mike, any closing comments? Lenny, you're a legend people love. Thanks, bro. I appreciate that, man. Seriously, man. That means a lot when people say that.

Yeah, well, and we mean it. So Lenny, long live Lenny. I will see you on your podcast and come back anytime. Awesome. The door's always open. Awesome. Thanks for having me, man. All right.

The great Lenny Dykstra. All right, you guys have my house. We'll see you next time.