Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 23 - RICH VOS

Episode Date: January 31, 2020

Artie Lange and Mike Bocchetti interview stand-up comedian Rich Vos!  Presented by TheComicsGym.com  Thanks to MyBookie.ag - If you're going to wager this weekend go to bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus. Thanks to Blue Chew. Go to BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE (just pay $5 shipping) when you use the promo code ARTIE”.  Thanks to Tommy John Underwear.  Visit www.TommyJohn.com/Artie for 20% off your next order of the most comfortable underwear ever!

Artie Lang's Halfway House. What's up? My co-host, Mike Boschetti, in the spizz house, as the African-Americans say. Well, actually, a lot of white kids say that, too, as the kids say. Spizz house. I don't know what the fuck Americans say. Well, actually, a lot of white kids say that, too, as the kids say. Spiz house. I don't know what the fuck that means. I hate when white kids try to act black. Stop with the nonsense.

Be yourself. But what does acting black mean? That sounds like a racist compliment. No, not acting. I mean, you know what? What is acting black? Like, they think they're from the deep hood. Oh, really?

From, like, fucking... So you have a problem with the trillionaire business of white rappers? No, no, not them. Like Eminem? No, like kids from Colts Neck, New Jersey, from Compton. Yeah, I mean, that's a little annoying, but I think you're talking about a major industry here, Mike, that you're just shitting all over. Not really. I like Eminem.

Yeah, well, listen, I mean, that's a ringing endorsement of Eminem. I think he was good, awesome. I mean, he was a notorious guy. I love him. I can't. Yeah, absolutely. But again, that's the thing. Even more so with rock and roll, the rap thing, you really identify rap music with young people, like super young.

So Eminem, I think, is like 62 years old now. No, but there's still some fans out there. I'm the heavy, I'm the spaghetti. There's still fans out there. I love Run DMC. Yeah, but I mean, again, who knows how much spaghetti. There's still fans out there. I love Run DMC. Yeah, but I mean, again, Run DMC, After Walk. Sugar Hill Gang, guys like that. Sugar Hill Gang had a decent...

They had a decent retire when they were 22. Rap more so than any other art form, I think. You really do associate that with young, young people. But I mean, the biggies like Jay do associate that with young, young people. So, you know, it's like, but I mean, you know, the biggies like Jay-Z and those guys will tour forever. No, but the fans are young, but the artists are old.

Like some rock guys are, right? Most of, you know, the Stones are like, you know, they're mostly my age. The fans are, you know, older. You think the Stones have fans in their 20s? Probably, right? Yeah, but not many. That's why, you know, older. You think the Stones have fans in their 20s? Probably, right? Yeah, but not many. That's why, you know,

but they still fill up stadiums. These old fucking geriatric people go to see this shit. We have fans that are young millennials. They're out there. I don't see any of them. Anywhere. I think, no. And that's largely because of you, I think.

A lot of the feedback has been negative on you. We have fans who were born in 1992. I'm going to need you to be a little more woke. I'm not. I don't even know what woke is. Like by saying acting black, that's horribly racist. That's not, that's a good point. Acting African American.

Correct. No, that's not what I'm trying to say. It's not what I'm saying. Whatever. You're missing the entire point. But yeah, but the thing is, I remember on the TV show, I said the word Jewelips. And you thought I said G-E-W. No, you said Jewelips.

And I think you had a Freudian but you thought I said Jew lips. I think you had a Freudian slip. You said Jew lips. Oh, no. And I pointed it out because, again, I'll have none of that. Yeah, but I got... Nothing if not, you know, against anti-Semitism. Yeah, but you punished me. You made me eat a goddamn box of fucking... Well, I think subconsciously you were trying to say

Jew lips. You said mint Jew lips, and you said Jew lips, and you did. You caught a lot of... No, but you made me eat a fucking box of mozza crackers. Yeah, well, listen, you're going to have to... Chain up a Jewish person's name from Boba Strife, send it like Don Adams in back. You know, I just saw, you know, this brings me to my next point about a bit I want to do on the show that I want you. By the way, we're waiting for the great Rich Voss, comedian.

He's our guest on the Halfway House coming up tonight. So he's going to walk in. But before that, I want to try to talk Mike into doing this bit, and again, he's all, you know, a lot of times, Mike can be this politically correct guy

that I can't stand, and he tries to be young and everything, but I just saw The Joker. Oh. Un-fucking-believable. The movie's great. You know, I had time to kill today. I was thinking,

he led you with The Joker. No, no, no. This new one with Joaquin Phoenix is fucking unreal, man. And I'm not a huge comic book guy, but it's really... Did you see the Joker? Is he better than River? No, that's...

River Phoenix has been dead for 26 years. He's River... You know what? River Phoenix was his brother, but River Phoenix was a good-looking kid like a Brad Pitt-type leading man. Joaquin Phoenix has that kind of, you know, edgy, quirky thing. Like in Lou Diamond Phillips? He's fucking unreal.

He's unreal in it. I gotta watch it. And the story is, Todd Phillips and Scott Silver wrote it. Oh, wow. And Todd, you know, he loves comedians, and he was good to me. He was a Stern fan, so he put me in old school. He's a real nice guy, but, man, he went to a different level with filmmaking. I was really blown away by it.

Is his doc like Tarantino? Like that doc? I gotta watch it. Are you talking about black people again? guy, but, man, he went to a different level with filmmaking. I was really blown away by it. Is it dark like Tarantino? Like that dark? I've got to watch this. Are you talking about black people again? No, no, no. I'm saying content-wise. Oh, dark ain't the word, dude. It's darker than O.J. Anderson.

This is Don Cheadle's taint dark. It's a mixture of the Coen brothers and Tarantino. This is Yafit Kodo's elbows dark. This is dark shit. I know, really, it's fucking... I like that kind of stuff. And it's so well done. De Niro's in it.

But the thing I love about it is, any young person... To me, it's based on two... Joaquin Phoenix is playing a combination of two old De Niro characters in it. Oh, wow. He's playing part Travis Bickle from Taxi Driver. I love Travis.

And he's playing part Rupert Pupkin from The King of Comedy. That's a great film. And De Niro plays like a Jerry Langford, the Jerry Lewis part. A Jerry Lewis character, right? Wow. De Niro plays like that.

But it looks like Rupert Pupkin, 40 years later, is still going to talk show. And the similarities are so insane in the story, like the influence. When did he shoot this though, right? Between the Irishmen? No, last year. He probably wasn't there a long time. It's not a huge part,

but it's a significant part. But Joaquin Phoenix does an original job, but clearly I think Todd and Scott Silver, you could almost say from a starting point, it's like, what if Rupert Pupkin was the Joker that's basically what it is

he could have been the Joker he was so intense younger people out there who just saw the Joker and might not know try to watch I was going to say Rent is that even old fashioned now Netflix

find it somewhere YouTube I was going to say rent. Is that even old-fashioned now? Netflix. Yeah, Netflix. All that shit. Find it some fucking where. YouTube. Two Scorsese movies with De Niro. From, like, one, the taxi driver from 1976. De Niro plays a guy named Travis Bickle, who is this lunatic taxi driver who starts killing everybody because he starts to slowly go crazy.

He's mentally ill, which is totally what Joaquin Phoenix plays in The Joker. The other thing is, a brilliant fucking move for this story in the Joker story. Original take on it is they make him an aspiring standup comedian. He's a horrible standup comic like Rupert Pupkin is in the King of Comedy, which is the other one. Another Scorsese movie from 81 called the King of Comedy with Jerry Lewis and De Niro.

Watch those movies and then re-watch The Joker because the similarities are insane. How long of a movie is it? Long? I mean like an hour and a half? Not like an hour,

hour, you know, hour 45 minutes. That's good. That's plenty of time. Hour 50. It's really well done. Joaquin Phoenix is amazing but I...

Is it taking place in current time or what time period is it in? It's like Gotham City which they shot it in Newark. It's amazing. I recognize Newark. And New York.

It looks like the place he lives, I'm pretty sure, is in the South Bronx. He lives with his mom. Well, well... Yeah, it's kind of you too, Mike. A lot of the Joker's characters... People should have liked Rupert. Yeah, you have a lot

of Rupert Pupkin in you. But again, the character lives with his mother. He's obsessed with this show that De Niro, who's like a Jerry Langford type character,

you know, hosts. He's obsessed with it and wants to be a comic and he's a shitty, bad comic. This sounds like my biopic. And he has this, the laugh,

the crazy Joker laugh comes from a mental illness he got. It's, he laughs even though he doesn't think something's funny. Is he schizophrenic? Oh, is she dick? That type of shit. And he hands out a card and he's laughing at inappropriate, he laughs at any inappropriate time.

Would it mean he'd be laughing at a funeral, things like that? Laughing at a funeral would be one of them, unless it was ours. And he hands out these cards. If he's laughing, like on the bus, it's like a kid in trouble. The card says, don't be offended. I laugh at inappropriate things.

It's a mental illness I have. And when I do stand-up, and a lot of times with you, Mike, when I see the crowd laughing, I don't think that is really what they're thinking. I think they think something else. But yeah, no, I really, think something else. But, yeah, no, I really, I had time to kill this afternoon, and it's on

demand already. And I really enjoyed it. The ending is great. And the way they set it up. And I forget what some idiot in my fucking life asked me. We've got a lot of idiots around us, believe me. You're right. We're around each other. But I asked some, I forget who this was.

There's a lot of jerk-offs we know. No, but they said they saw the Joker. I said, what is the Joker about? It's all just about the character, the Joker. And he goes, yeah. And he goes, I go, is Batman in it at all? And he goes, no. And that's so not true.

Yes, Batman's in it. So you never saw it? No. I'm almost jealous you never fucking saw it. Like someone never saw the Godmode. I watched two things I watched recently. Hey! The Irishman and Dolomite.

That's totally, that makes no sense. That's a horrible point. That's a point that makes no sense. They're both great, though. Look who's here. It looks like he's a second-story thief. I look like a, I'm sorry, I'm dressed like a high school wrestling coach. No, but Dolomite was good.

And Mike is dressed like a high school wrestling mat. He's Michael Owen. I heard you on the radio the other day. Where? I almost ran my car into a tree. No, I'm serious. He was funny. He was doing Shakespeare. Where was this?

Mike does a lot of accents. The English accent is fantastic. Do some English, guys. I know, Rich. How are you? Because we're going to get some bangers and mash. I love that he always does an English reference, too. He has some bangers and mash.

Cross the pond. Is he your co-host? Yeah. That's great. I hate those fucking... If you can't fucking shine with him... No kidding. Let's rake in the crown for a while.

That's why I always said that. That's why part of the reason I got the job on Stern was you wanted to look better. You want these? You want a headset? No. We both got twin beards. Yeah, I don't know about you with the beard, bro. I'll shave it.

I'll make you. Let me see. Let me see. Just if you cut your neck. No, we used to do a bit on the old show where we rented out Mike's bottom chin for advertising. It's a billboard. You can put gigs up there. Mike goes way back.

Mike is a good kid. Yeah. Thank you, Richard. He's a good... He's 58. He's 58? You're a kid to boss. Yeah.

I'm an old guy. I'm too old. We were just talking about the Joker. Did you see the Joker? Yeah. I loved it. It was great. It was good. I mean, it was. I'm too old. We were just talking about the Joker. Did you see the Joker? Yeah. I loved it. It was great. It was good.

I mean, it was good. It was good. I thought he was great. Absolutely. I mean. I like the idea of making him, you know, when you're a good guy, I like the idea of making him an aspiring comic. Did you ever see the King of Comedy?

Yes. Like, that's totally what it is, right? It's Rupert Pupkin as the Joker. Well, he was worse than... I mean, he was worse. He was worse. Yeah. But what do you call it?

The part where he danced down the stairs? Absolutely. I couldn't do that in a million years. No, me neither. I wonder how many takes that was. I almost didn't think it was him. Like it was somebody else, like a real ballet guy.

I wonder if it was like Fred Stagg going down the stairs. But what's great about that is like, it's funny how this, the comic thing, aren't there a lot of comics that, you know, you come up with who you think could be a crazy serial killer? Like there's a lot of weirdo guys. I'm sure we're killing them right now. I'm just saying.

I got you guys. Yes! I got this thing. Yes! Yes! Why do you money get us a coffee? You're not going to run anywhere. But think about all the guys you saw, like, maybe at open mics and shit.

You go, this guy's a fucking, this guy could be a crazy serial killer. One guy was a fucking serial rapist. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That black guy, Vince Champ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not the same black guy. What? You could have just said Vince Champ. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're not the same black guy. What?

You could have just said Vince Champ. Oh, yeah. Well, okay. The non-white guy, Vince Champ. No, he was that guy at colleges, right? Yeah, he went to colleges. Did you work with him? One time, not at a college, one time at a club somewhere down south in Florida years and years ago. Good looking. He was

as good looking as any guy. It's also rare to see an insanely good looking comic. But isn't that weird that a guy like that, you're doing stand-up in college, you're good looking, you can get pussy. It's weird that that happens. I don't know. It's just some kind of weird sickness. I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

You're not a doctor? I just play one around my friends. So I've seen a lot of the new movies. Last night we watched Jojo Rabbit. What is that? It's the comedy about... Is that the Richard Pryor story? No, it's the comedy

about Hitler. Oh, the comedy about Hitler? Yeah, the comedy with... I thought that was the producer. What is that? Oh, I got nominated for a bunch of shows. Yeah, the comedy with, I thought that was the producer. Yeah. What is that? Oh, I got nominated for a bunch of shit. Yeah,

with a little kid and it's kind of good. I don't know, the best one we saw recently, a couple nights ago was Harriet. Yeah.

That was pretty bad. These are all nominated films. Yeah. I haven't seen shit. Oh, I see. The Joker's the only thing

I've seen. Dolomite was good. I liked Murphy. It stunk. Anyhow, I liked it. They remade that Dolomite shit from the 70s? No, he played Dolomite. He seen Dolomite. Dolomite was good. I liked Murphy. It stunk. Anyhow, I liked it. They remade that Dolomite shit from the 70s? No, he played Dolomite.

He played Dolomite. Eddie Murphy did? Yeah. Oh. It was good. I like, look, Eddie and anything to me, I like. I've been in jail for 10 months. No, just honestly, like kids come out of jail.

I was with guys who were looking at 15 years. I'm like, dude, the technology changes every minute. They don't seem to give a shit. But just 10 months away, I came out like I don't know shit about anything. Yeah, but you were in rehab or jail. Well, you know, I was locked up. It was jail. Two months in jail.

Yeah. Two months in county. What county? Essex County Jail, which is like the worst of the worst. I mean, it's like that. Well, no, no. That's a prison. This is jail,

which is... Jail, to a lot of people, is more unsettling. Yeah, because no one knows what's going to happen. They've got charges pending. In prison, people settle down. Yeah, they know.

You join the Klan, you join the Aryan Raiders. But no, you're fucking... It's restless, and these guys, the dope gets smuggled in. It's fucking crazy. How did you not get in fights in there?

I had my own cell, but I was in the bullpen quite a bit. And, you know, I don't know. I just, I've always been lucky in jail. I've been going to jail since I'm 17. Uh-huh. And now, when I, a couple times I had a cellmate for a little while, that's when it gets tense. Because you're basically in a bathroom with a guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And if you don't get along with this motherfucker or if they're crazy, the guards are fans. Thank the Lord. The guards at Essex County really fucking took care of me. But I'll give you a story. Yeah, but they wouldn't like you either if they knew the guards were taking care of you. Absolutely. So I was in protective custody the entire two months. Oh, okay.

But that, okay, that's a trade-off. I don't go in a gen pop and get a chance to get the shit kicked out of me or extorted or whatever, but 23 hours in the cell. I'm out an hour a day, dude. Yeah. You know, so there's a little bit part of me was the hour a day I was out playing hoops with some of the guys in a protected area, and the guards were, I'm not even joking, just awesome to me.

But for a little while, I had a cellmate for like a few days. For 23 hours? Well, it was, oh, no, no, no, in a regular cell. Yeah. I stayed in the 23. I was in with him for about eight. Okay, so he came in to sleep. Yeah.

But he was like a young black dude. And he saw one of the guards let me eat at a special time. So he goes, how come he get to eat now? And the guy goes, oh, he's a movie star, like sarcastically. And the kid goes, he ugly as hell. I mean, dead serious. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He goes, what, you play with ugly people?

That's hilarious. I got to like the kid. But no, so then after that, I went to rehab, which is, you know, it's state-run rehab that the people from jail go to. And then I was in a halfway house for three months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, dude, I was locked up away. No phones. You know, no shit.

So how long have you been sober now? January 30th is a year, dude. No fucking way. I got a year. Do you feel better? I got a year in two weeks. You got today way. I got a year. Do you feel better? I got a year in two weeks. You got today. But do you feel better?

Do you feel better? You know what, man? It was hard for a little while. And for like the first, I'm telling you, even after I got released a couple of months ago, I thought I got through the hardest part of it. And I said, I still want to get high every minute of the fucking day. I said, how am I never not going to get high again?

The obsession and compulsion gets lifted at some point. I'm telling you, as recently as about three weeks ago, I crossed a hump. But the one day at a time thing is the only way I do it. I feel better now than I felt. This is the longest I've been clean since I'm 16 years old. God bless you. So I feel better now than I felt. I'm a day off.

One day clean off of scratch-offs. I can't do them. I spent so much money. Okay, but that's it. Again, we're both gamblers. It's so much money I spent on lottery and scratch-offs. Scratch-offs are awesome. So is that.

I know you've been in recovery a long time. Yeah. And God bless you, man. That's really. But what about the gambling? Is that something that is like... Did that become... I was a gambler first.

Me too. In the neighborhoods we grew up in... I was pitching quarters in fourth grade. Craps, there was crap games, there were card games. I had a bookie when I was 14. I was gambling in fourth grade. We started pitching quarters. Then we were playing roulette for money in fifth grade. I'm not lying in fourth grade. We started pitching quarters. Then we were playing roulette for money in like fifth grade.

I'm not lying. Fifth grade. This is North Jersey in the 70s. Fucking. And then, you know, I mean, drugs and lottery and crap. I mean, I was just in Vegas. I said, I'll drop a thousand. And I did.

I didn't. And I get so mad at the crap table. You can't, I get, and yesterday, all year on football. Like, the first three weeks, I was doing well. Then I broke even. I said, I'm done. Are you doing a fan duel shit? And I go. I go online.

You go online. So it's legal gambling. Yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I go, I'm doing well all year. I mean, I stopped after three weeks. I broke even. I said, fuck it. Then yesterday, I go, all year I kept saying

San Francisco, San Francisco, San Francisco. And then yesterday, like an asshole, I take Green Bay. Green Bay didn't show up either, man. All year. So I have to stop because, look it, I'm an addict with whatever. Look, is this normal? Is this normal? No.

Is that fucking normal? No, that's unreal. I don't know. Huh? It looks like Elvis and Vanilla Ice had a kid. There's no reason for it. But does it fill a void in you? Let me ask you this, Rich.

Are you afraid if you didn't do that in the gambling, other worse shit would come in? Well, here's the thing. I go nuts with sneakers. With Nikes. Yeah. And I down... I just today sold... brought four pairs and I made 700 profit on them. Right. So I'm just... I'm dropping...

I'm not going to buy more Nikes. So business stuff, stand-up, like anything... Anything I do with... Like, I don't have one champion sweatshirt. I got five. You have OCD? I definitely do. Yeah.

Yeah, of course. Me and OCD. Of course. Yeah. I have everything wrong with me that you possibly could have wrong. Me too, dude. Every. But drugs and alcohol will kill me first.

Right. So I had to stop. So it's like that's a no-brainer. That's it. And right now, if I got too much money, it's like, that's a no-brainer. That's, right now, if I got, I got too much money, right here alone,

this jewelry, I would die. Right. I have too much, when I was getting high, I didn't have no money. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got fucking a house,

a bank account. Listen, my life has turned around since I haven't picked up a drug or a drink. Of course. I mean, I mean,

from sleeping on the floor of my mother's, or to wherever I could sleep. But it's been a long time, I don't know if you want to say, but it's been a very long time. Just next month will be 34 years. That's insane, dude. Over three and a half decades.

I mean, think about that, man. Now I'm going to say, look, you know, we're older and everything, but that is, I mean, I'm 52, dude. I'm looking at, you know, a year. That's great, though. Yeah, but I should, you know, listen, man, I'm just lucky. You're lucky. Lucky, even a fucking word, man.

Listen, I heard something in rehab that fucking, I never, like these guys came in. But the Nixon got impeached? No. They attacked Pearl Harbor. They attacked Pearl Harbor. Did he get impeached? I don't know. It was a long time ago, is my point. Mike's analyzing the joke. They attacked Pearl Harbor. They attacked Pearl Harbor. Did he get impeached? Whatever. I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It was a long time ago, is my point. Mike's analyzing the joke. Bad reference, Arnie. Bad reference. You know, Joe Olsteen won't take you. I will get to that. So,

I'm in rehab. This place in Marble, New Hope Foundation. Yeah. Saved my life. Saved my life. And these guys came in and spoke from New York, the Mustard Seed Group. Right.

Yeah, I know those guys. These guys are like old time. I've seen them too. Old time AA guys. Yeah. And I'm not religious, but I believe in something. And one dude said, you know, recovery, he goes, when God gives you a gift, you don't give it back. Right.

And it always stuck with me because why did they, you know, I should be dead easily. Both of us. And him, definitely. Me too. I'm not talking about career. I should be dead in my early 20s. His career is out of drugs. No, but I'm saying, and again, not just going on to live.

That's something else that came up. You know, again, the biggest, the hardest thing about the 12-step shit was the difference between religion and spirituality, the high power stuff. It's fucking simple, but it's complicated. And I've talked to some of the old-timer type guys, and that's what they really focus on. But I got to say, that a 34 years of something to be insanely proud of dude thank you you got the fact we're not just like look we have it we

have charm lives you know it's a work for comedians yeah it's also listen it's a drug addiction is very self-centered absolutely awesome and this business is very aggressive this business yeah you know-centered. This business is very, you know, especially like me, I book myself. So all day long, it's me, me, me, me, me. Right. You know, because you're trying to sell yourself. So you're dealing with a self-centered addiction. You're dealing with a self-centered business.

One feeds the other. And you're also dealing in a business where you're dealing with rejection. Oh, yeah. On like a daily or weekly basis. And how do you deal with that? Anger? Resentment? All that shit. If you work at Apple, you go for your

fucking promotion twice a year, yes, no. Okay, this is constant. We're trying to get a promotion on a daily basis or weekly basis. Right, and you know, you're going to fail most of the fucking time. It's like the batting 300 in baseball. Three out of ten times you fail.

But the odds are worth. If you book one out of 30 things, you're kicking ass. Yeah. You know, and I'm getting older, so you get aged out, too. Yeah. These young kids come. I mean, they'll never be as good as me. Not in a million fucking years. None of them can do an audible. I agree. come. I mean, they'll never be as good as me. Not in a million fucking years.

None of them can do an audible. I agree. That's right. I'd get up in front of a fucking knife fight. Believe me. I know that. You probably have. I have. I've done a lot. But I get clubs. Hey, let's bring some new faces in. Let's bring this and try

to... I get it. So it's... Look, it's a stressful business. Now that you have my Snapchat followers and all that nonsense. I gotta tell you though. You just said when I was

a younger person, I think I would have rather seen a seasoned pro than... And again, there really aren't a more Rodney Dangerfields. There's like some 70-year-old. He was a rock star to us. I mean, that should be the case. He was a fucking pro, you know?

I didn't think, it's funny you say that. If you want me to be dead honest with you, I didn't think I'd be pissed off at the aged out thing, which I started to feel now too, as much as I am. But if I'm being dead honest, it fucking pisses me off. Well, yeah. Of course it does. I mean, how could it not, right?

Especially when you have a relationship with these club owners that you think you have. You think they're semi-friend. Not like, hey, we... Some are. Some are.

It's a business. I played golf with a lot of dudes that don't get back to me. Right, that's unbelievable. And I'm like, what the fuck? You know? But here's the thing, too.

Always something comes along. my wife is like living with a showrunner she's brilliant bonnie mcfarland she's the best and you me look i've been i've been i've been relevant for 35 fucking years in this business so we you know that's hard to do that's fucking hard to do. Absolutely. You know, so, but we're in, this is, we have a great life, though. I mean, I get up when I fucking want. I do what I want. I work. You know, we have, it balances.

Right. It balances. You know, and then when you're dealing with addiction and this, you know, it's not, you know, thank God for anxiety medicine. I'd explode. Well, there you go. But here's the thing. There is no way you talk about that, too, where I fooled myself with that bullshit for a long time with coke and heroin.

Forget about that. To even bring heroin into a logical conversation is just fucking. Some of these kids try to do a little. I remember Keith Richards in an interview said he still dabbles in it. It's such bullshit. Heroin, just throw out. Because my life really became hell with the heroin. But cocaine was in my life since I'm 16 years old.

And listen, you start to fool yourself. Well, I'm a comic. I make my own schedule. I could do blow here. If a chick's got blow on the road, I'll do it on the weekends. If you're like us and whatever the fuck is in you that's wrong, never going to happen. No, yeah.

I lied to myself. You see, Rich, that's why I have respect for someone like you, for being that mature. I mean, you know, 30 years ago you were, what, 40? No. No, I'm just saying. No, I came in when I was 28. Dude, to be that, and we know other friends of ours in comedy have been sober for a long, long fucking time.

I mean, in your 20s, to be that mature when I was 28. Like, you would go, this guy's not going to make it to 30. It took me until now, I mean, to figure out, to wise up like that. I fucking, I had, I think, four months sober, maybe three, four, and I'm in Florida. And I pick up this waitress. Amazing how hot she was. Amazing. Right.

I mean, I was a mess. I had long hair. My teeth were fucked. But for some reason, I had confidence in girls. Dude, you're a comic. We're back in my hotel room. Yeah. A 10.

I start making out with her. I go, what's that taste? So she goes, oh. And I got three months. I was a crack. She pulls out a bag of Coke. Must have been a quarter ounce. Wow.

I'm like, oh, fuck. And you feel that tingle on your fucking, you're getting on there. I'm like, look, sweetheart. I go, look, dear, or whatever. You're going to have to go, but first we got to fuck. And you got to get out of here. You know, maybe 30 years in, you would have said, not even the fuck. But isn't that funny how you go like, yeah,

when you start to make decisions like that, like maybe I'll kick this 10 out, you know. Yeah, it's crazy. But that's when, that's an insane maturity in your 20s to me. I was not even, I'm talking about, like, still watching the Flintstones level immature until I was 50. You know, with drugs and alcohol. Yeah, but also, too, you know, 20s.

I was a freebasing. I mean, I did drugs from 15 to 28. For younger people, freebasing was, like you know, before crack when they sort of economized freebasing. Yeah, and I did crack too. Oh, yeah. Yeah. But that, it's a serious bottom.

Oh. It's a serious, you're like, I can't do this anymore or I'm going to die. The one thing about heroin that is, you know, we're going to start doing the positives and negatives. At least with heroin, eventually you fall asleep. With the stimulants, meth and crack, you're up for like a week. Nothing good can happen.

You never hear a good hiking story. You never hear a good crack story. I started a parade. I went to the Civic Center and handed out pamphlets. No one's ever found a four-leaf clover.

A rattlesnake. But now they have fentanyl. That's fucking really fucking crazy. So again, the other fucked up thing about jail and these rehabs, there's so many sad stories. There's fentanyl. Motherfuckers are dropping out from touching it. They're murdering people right away. Feds are touching it.

And it goes into their skin and and it's elephant tranquilizer. Oh, yeah. Really? Yeah, and it's in the coke. It's in the weed. Well, we used to do Quaaludes. That was... That's like a barbiturate.

I used to do lewds, too. That was a fucking horse tranquilizer. This is heroin times, like... A hundred, right? Put it this way. This is the scariest thing I ever heard. That 21-year-old kid said... I was talking to him in the jail, in the yard there.

And he goes, I'm going to run from his program to send them to me. They're sending me to. I said, dude, you're going to be back on dope in two seconds. He goes, I can't deal with dope anymore. I go, what do you mean? He goes, like in other words, heroin wasn't strong enough for him. So he got to a point at 21 where heroin wasn't good enough. He needed fentanyl.

And then, you know, you're doing a dance at 21. It's just not going to work. Do they have meetings in jail there? Yeah. Well, Essex County, they have a program. I was isolated from it. I didn't get involved with it, but yeah. I saw them have it.

Say you're in Rulway or Trenton. They have that. That's major time. I'm an old Jew. There's not a lot of people to hang out with in prison. Well, you do. You're almost forced to fucking join a club you might not necessarily agree with their agenda.

But if it's between sucking cock or being in the Aryan Nation, I'll fucking hit her. I got scared early on in life because... What, a mirror? No, no. After seeing

Scared Straight, that fucking... Scared the fucking crap out of me. I saw it too. Nothing. No maturity. I saw it too. I was like,

this is fine. These kids are assholes. I'm not an asshole. No, but I mean, when that guy went, yo, you're my woman, bitch. You know, when that guy went,

yo, my woman, bitch. I mean, you know. I know. I remember the thing. The guy said, you know, grab my went, yo, you're my woman, bitch. You know, when that guy went, yo, my woman, bitch. I mean, you know. I know. I remember the thing. The guy said, you know, grab my fucking belt. Now you're my bitch. Even that, I'm like, I could deal with it. Listen.

I lied to myself forever. Well, yeah, you don't. It's just a powerful disease that tells you you don't have a disease. Yeah. It's just every. Yeah, but it's drinking anywhere. I mean, I stopped drinking 23 years. Oh, yeah, sure. It's all the same. It will go. It's just every... Yeah, but it's drinking anywhere. I mean, I stopped drinking 23 years. Oh, yeah, sure.

It's all the same. It will go. It's the same thing. See, with me gambling, too, I couldn't sit down and play. I give you credit there. I couldn't play craps without having a blow on my hand

in fucking two minutes. Listen, craps is to crack a gambling. Is that what you play when you go to the table? Yes! I'm going to play boring blackjack. No, I like blackjack, but I love craps. Slot machines. I had them on my phone. I'm going to play boring blackjack. I like blackjack, but I love crap.

Slot machines. I had them on my phone. I'm done with that, too. It's a fucked up... It's a matter of fact, the slot machine. Like, it's so fucked up that... I have three great kids, a great wife. We just bought a house. Good for you, man.

You know, and there's always something missing you know what I mean yeah well that's the thing and you're forever searching for that and after a while you're gonna have to go

what the fuck I gotta stop I'm old yeah and the other part is another old timer said to me in the recovery thing said

dude a human being doesn't have to feel high 24-7 that's true you don't have to be I would say I would be whining like't have to be. I would say, I'd be whining,

like, well, I'm a comedian and I would have a high on stage. I got to keep being high. Like, why? No.

What do you think, a plumber? It's good to be in the middle and balanced. Yeah, but where the fuck is that? Yeah, but also too,

you might as well just say go to the moon. No, but even at my house, I go, I got to work on something. Like, we haven't moved every,

you know, we're moving into a, from a townhouse to a gigantic house where probably I go, I gotta work on something. Like, we haven't moved every... You know, we're moving into a... From a townhouse to a gigantic house. I go, what can I fix today? What can I do today? But you have three kids different ages. Are you mechanically inclined? I'm spatch. A little.

Not plumbing or electrical, but I can do some carpentry. But do you still have urges to get high? Not at all. No. I substitute. I'm saying at the 34 I can do some carpentry. But do you still have urges to get high? Not at all. No, no. So, I mean, yeah. Because I substitute. Yeah, but I'm saying after 34 years. No, I don't have an obsession and compulsion.

I surrender to drugs. Right. I knew I lost. I was beaten. See, I can't fight. See, I surrender. Once you surrender. The first step.

Once you surrender. Yeah. And I go, look, I can't beat this. I'm lucky I was a crack addict because I might have kept going snorting and partying. You know, who knows? Yeah, no, absolutely. Did you deal with heroin at all? No, I did a couple times.

It was boring. Let me tell you something. That's when it, if you start doing that dance where you need the girl with the boy. But it's all it's not the drug it's the person

the personality something about you is fucked up like I look at again I look at people who don't have to be busy every five seconds don't have to be

like what are you doing today I'm gonna rake the leaves and watch like really what how's that gonna happen rake the leaves what are you

out of the fucking mind I'm saying well not you that's physically impossible I'm talking about I can fucking mind I'm talking about when a guy when someone describes a normal

day to me what do you do I'm going to work I'm coming home I'm at dinner I'm like you're not going to go do

something insane I can shovel snow not leave snow you're not going to buy eight rings and put them on you don't even want to go

listen a successful day to me is just worst comes to worst is going to buy eight rings and put them on? You don't even want to go. Listen, a successful day to me is just, worst comes to worst, is going to Marshalls and buying socks. I'm going to get something. Like you described, you're off the drugs and shit, but you hear someone go, I've described their normal day, whatever the fuck a normal person says. What do you mean?

I've got to buy five pairs of sneakers. I've got rings to buy. I've got champions. You know, I've got to do a gig. I've got three kids. What is a normal day, though? Listen, I'm leaving here. I don't think you've had one in your life.

A normal day? Is it a normal day? A normal day for Mike is you're 58, you live at home, and your mother brings you raviolis. And you don't put it, spill it on you. I self-cook now. Don't worry. A good day for you is not spilling your food.

No, here's the thing. No, I self-cook. You self-cook? That is such bullshit, Mike. That is such bullshit. You know why? Because you don't say it, self-cook.

A lot of people go, I cook for myself. Yeah, yeah. Self-cook. Self-cook is what's the Staten Island grammar. I bought the master class on different things in life now, right?

Again, you've never, there's no laundry being done by you. There's no fucking, there's no self-cook. I self-laundry. fucking self-laundry. I bought a master clasher. I think I laundered clashes, right? I'm taking one to Wolfgang Puck now.

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Look. But the point is what you said about it's not the drugs. It's fucking, until you realize it's something that's fucked up in you. Yes, I'm fucked up. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm not, but I know there's a couple things. I'm not a bad person. I do make amends.

I try to. I have a bad temper. You know, you can't, you can't, listen. Yeah. You can only be what you could be and try to work on your fucking character defects. You know, I fucking, you know, I can't play lottery sometimes because I, they always fuck my numbers up. And the whole race of people. Yeah. I had no patience. I love scratch-off.

They can't fucking scratch-off up. I love scratch-off. I'm done with those. Oh, God. I was, I mean. Was that getting insane, scratch-off? What? Yeah.

I would find, anytime I stopped for water, what the fuck's 10 bucks? That is so big. My family's as Italian as it gets. That is so big in the Italian community, the scratch-off shit. I'm sure, right, you do it all the time. I was doing $30 ones. $20. Whoa.

Take a $30. Whoa. Like, let me just see if I get another bell. Yeah. And then you win two bucks. You give it back. That really is like fucking crack cocaine, man. I fucking was playing shots to my phone.

I almost threw my phone against the wall. How about the fact, dude? I mean, as gamblers and addicts. Okay. The fact that gambling is legally, you get motherfuckers out on their phones. I was at a friend's house for a holiday thing, and his fucking fat nephew is 18

with a phone on FanDuel betting if the next play in a college game is going to be a first down. Like, is the next play, you could sit on your couch and bet if the next play's going to be a pass, a run, a first down, a fucking interception. There's odds on interceptions, a fumble. I'm like, this is like, Dennis Miller once said that about virtual reality.

One of my favorite Dennis Miller lines ever. And this is exactly the analogy. Like years ago, they said they were going to make one of those virtual reality things where it looks like you could fuck a supermodel. He's like, all I know is if that comes out, it's going to make crack look like Sanka. Yeah, you can sit on your couch and lose your couch. And lose your ass. The upside of it is no psychos are going to come and murder you.

Yeah, but no. There's no... In other words, I'd rather bet one five-dime bet with a book and just leave it alone than go through that insanity. Yesterday, I, was it yesterday? Yeah, I flew in from Detroit. Right. We have this tour. It's killing us.

Fucking creeps with kids tour. Oh, yeah, no, I saw it. With the Florentine. Me, Florentine, Bobby Kelly, and Ron Bain. For the record, guys, for some of you guys who may not know that lineup, that is the murderer's row of stand-up comedy. There is no... You're talking about murderer's fucking row.

I mean, if you get a chance, go see that. It kills. Yeah. Unless I'm across the town. Yeah. No, we'll let you do it. I would love to. So I get in.

No sleep. Two days. Early flights. I go to my... When I get home, I got to take a nap. I'm laying in bed. I had $250 in my account. And I fucking...

$150 before I go to sleep, I lose. I go... It's not real money. I know. And then I woke up. It doesn't seem... It it's not real money. Yeah, I know. And then I woke up. It doesn't seem, it's like Monopoly money. It doesn't seem like it. I'm done with it.

I'm done with all that shit. I'm only going to play birthdays. Well, that's the other thing. Like in the down next section of Newark where I worked, they had the numbers running shit. And getting involved with that. The high of the chaos. The chaos that gets created.

I used to love doing reverse bets with the fucking knees, the parlays. It's just insanity. I'll tell you too, this is no lie and it's almost impossible. One week in basketball,

I lost 13 out of 15 games. It's almost fucking impossible. Now, here's another thing. In the NBA? Yeah. In NBA? NBA, college, whatever the fuck it was. That's in college to lose that much in the fucking,

because college is kind of handicapped. So now, okay. My two daughters, they're like four, maybe five and three. They're both in the hospital with asthma. In two beds. So I'm in the room. This fucking UNLV, this is years ago.

Fucking TARC, that criminal. So it's UNLV, right? I love the beginning of the show to start. That fucking UNLV. Fucking against Ohio State. Yeah. Whatever the spread is, UNLV is definitely winning. Right.

But they had, it was like, okay, so. What you were talking about. This is my daughter. Well, it's with Greg Anthony. Oh, so the 90 team. Larry Johnson. Larry Johnson. Yeah.

So, they're going to win the game. There's maybe a second. They covered almost every week, bro. Listen to me. My two daughters are sitting in a chair watching a game in the hospital. My daughters are asleep with fucking asthma. Oh, God. So there's a second to go.

I'm done. They're not going to cover it. So I think Greg Anthony or whatever goes to the foul line for UNLV. Two shots. If he hits one, I push. Right. If he makes two, I win. Okay.

How is it possible? He missed both fouls. Whoa. I screamed in the hospital. I'm going to go so loud. Rich, I'm going to blow your mind. I had money on UNLV in the same game. I swear to God. I remember

he missed those two final cuts. How do you miss with half a second? I was driving a cab with a 90-year-old woman in the back driving the food down at 10 o'clock at night and I had the over in a college game that went into triple overtime. The over didn't hit in triple overtime.

North Carolina scored a basket in the final overtime. Two points. So yeah, I got a thousand stories like that. And that's what these kids, on these phones, again, it seems like with Uber drivers, you don't interact with them like old cabbies.

Old bookies and stuff, you interact with the guys. They were so funny to listen to. There was this story, this might be exaggerated, but supposedly this guy had a bookie who he would get the menstrual cycles of the WNBA teams

and like so like when chicks travel together they get their periods together together yeah so he would get a road favorite who was kicking ass on the road

and find out when they were on the rag and if they were on the rag he'd bet against them it hit 90% of the time like an insane system but this guy was a disgusting bookie, so when he would call my friend to give the tip,

he would go, Danny, it's Archie. The Minnesota Lynx are bleeding. Like a disgusting human being. But again, with the book back then, you make one bet, you concentrate on one bet.

These kids are betting on the next play, bro. Well, did you see the guy online that bet a, who did Kansas City play? Oh, Tennessee. He bet a million bucks on Tennessee or something. There was a picture of him with a fucking suitcase full of money. Well, that's the thing about it. If you start making more money in life, I got this way with Norm MacDonald. My worst gambling problem was when I had 500 bucks to my name,

I'd put 800 bucks in a game. And the horror of not being able to pay the book was part of the fun. So when I started hanging out with Norm, who was making way more money than me at the time, but I was opening for him on the road, and we discovered these lightning bets with these guys, and then I would go to the tables with him.

It's like, okay, am I willing, now that I'm making way more money in life, to make it interesting now? Am I willing to go, you know, now I'm making a couple hundred grand a year, a hundred grand is what I got to bet a year. Am I willing to do that? For a little while, that scared the shit out of me. You know, Norm MacDonald has this amazing story where he threw $60,000 into the ocean in Atlantic City because he said he knew he would just lose like 200 grand. Get the fuck out of here. Norm swears to God he threw $60,000 into the ocean, Atlantic City, because he said he knew he would just lose

like $200 million. Get the fuck out of here. Norm swears to God he threw $60,000. And I hung out with Norm. I gambled him. I believe him. I worked with... This was so funny. I think that's illegal, too. We're working Atlantic City at the comedy shop The Trop before Norm got famous. Yeah, yeah. He still did, I think, that Letterman set, that Letterman

Love. Right, right, right. So it's... I'm hosting the show. Teddy Bergeron is middling. Yeah. Degenerate gambler and alcoholic. Right. Degenerate. Yeah.

And then Norm's closing. So I'm on stage. That's a group. They're fucking, they're bombing so bad, some guy in the audience yelled, bring the Jew back. Right? Whoa. So after the third day, they switched Norm and Teddy. Right.

Which made no difference. Then the owner brought us in the room like the fourth day. And Sasha and I go, he goes to me earlier. He goes, this has nothing to do with you. But it still did. He goes, this is the worst show here ever. Right? And I said to him, I go, I said, this fucking Norm is going to be a star. These fucking morons don't get it.

They just don't fucking get it. But again, that's the get. Like Norm, I never saw, you know, do anything vice-wise out of control but gamble. But he is such a gambler. And so was I. And we met at the wrong time. I mean, we got into some trouble. But for me, look again, God bless you, man. You're able to do that. I can't we got into some trouble. But for me,

look again, God bless you, man. You're able to do that. I can't, it'll lead to something else. I can't see playing craps at a table at a casino and not getting fucked up.

But if that is, your story is, you got all this clean time and you're able to, you know, that fills that void. Here's the thing, I went 10 years

without gambling at all. How is Bonnie, your lovely wife Bonnie, how is she with all that shit, with the gambling and stuff? She doesn't know. I got no one to listen to this.

My two cousins don't know that. No, I mean, look, I pay the bills, I save money. Right, there you go. I don't go crazy.

Listen, I don't, you know, there's times I've had, not now, but, you know, I put it in the back. There's times I've had, not now, but, you know, there's times I've had, this is what a fucking addict mentality I have. I love it when a comedian decides to tell the story he was thinking about and not tell it. No, no, I'm just saying I've had money where I could take it to Vegas and go, fuck it, I'll bring 10 grand.

I don't do it. Right. You know, I bring, you know, 1,000 or 500. And if I go down to gamble, I'll leave my credit cards in the room. I only go down with a couple hundred. So, I mean, the worst week is going to be maybe $7,000 to $1,000. So, again, to me, you're not describing what the drug addiction was for you. The drug addiction was out of control.

It was out of control. So, you're able to stop gambling. So it's just something to do. I mean, clearly. Well, this is so funny. This comic called me the other day. This is what fucking how crazy I am. Joey Diaz called me.

Yeah, Joey. He goes, I don't know what you are. If you're black, Puerto Rican, white, I don't know what the fuck you are. You're all right with me. We're cool, but I don't know what you are. You're're black, Puerto Rican, white, I don't know what the fuck you are. You're alright with me. We're cool. But I don't know what you are. You're alright with me. Back to Joe.

No, I mean, we're cool. He's from Jersey, too. I love Joe. So, as I'm talking to him on the phone, I hung up. I'm at fucking Walmart. I had 15 grand in my pocket for something. I don't know if it was a friend. I had 15 grand in my pocket for something.

I don't know if it was a friend. I had 15 grand in my pocket at Walmart. Wow. As I'm cashing coins. Jesus Christ. I had $200 in coins. Wow. I'm using the coin thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I'm more excited about the coins, the $200. No, I agree with you. I'm sitting there with... Yeah, that's more action. With the people that are fucking trying to fucking get high or eat with their coins.

And I'm going, oh, let me go cash these in. That's $15,000, or maybe $10,000 was in my pocket. Because it is. The other thing is the cooler thing. Yeah. In your head.

Like, this is way cooler than fucking having $15,000. It was either for the house. I don't know what the fuck. in your head. Like, this is way cooler than fucking having 15 grand on it. It was either for the house, I don't know what the fuck, the plumber, whatever the fuck I had that much money for. You don't remember

what 15G was for. it was 10 to 15. Whatever it was, you know, I needed it to go, you know, maybe five of it

and the other, you know, whatever, to put in the bank or whatever the fuck. All I know is I got my 200 from from fucking the coin, which is the biggest scam.

They take like 11%. What a fucking. Could you imagine the money they're making off that a day? Coin stock. What a fucking. Because a lot of motherfuckers use that. Yes. Billions.

You're right or wrong, right? No, it's not. Mike thinks it's billions. No, it is because how many across the country and across the world do you think about? I'm just talking about the Walmart, wherever the fuck he went the other day. And here's the other thing.

I'm sitting there, and I'm going to myself, I wonder if Chris Rock saves his change. No. He might, though. You never know, though. Rock saves his setups. Again, guys, you hear Seinfeld and Chris Rock, to a certain extent, talk about comedy. And Seinfeld, with a trillion dollars, he still talks about, yeah, this joke about cheese.

The way we talk about drugs, alcohol, and gambling. I don't know if I could do, I mean, I love comedy, but I'm jealous of that. I wish that was my fucking thing. Well, I love comedy. But I know exactly what you're talking about. The 200 coins is way cooler. And then you think about the 11.5%, you get pissed over that. It's a whole fucking thing.

And now you've killed the day. Yes. Yes. Well, this is on my album. I think it's on my new album. Me and my daughter, the last time I was cashing coins, I swear to God, you know, probably eight months ago. You know, I fucking take them out of the trunk.

First, I go to the bank and they didn't have the machine anymore. So we go to Walmart. I'm with my daughter. As I'm pulling my coins out, someone goes, Rich Voss, how's it going? Recognize me. I go, I'm cashing coins at Walmart. It's not going well.

Right? So I swear to God. Rich Voss, how was it going? So this is how low my... He's in his truck with his window rolled up. I walk up to his truck with my kid, because I knock on the window, and I go, look, man, this is my kid's coins. Yeah. She goes, my, he's in his truck with his window rolled up. I walk up to his truck with my kid because I knock on the window. I go, look, man, this is my kid's coins.

Yeah. She goes, no, it's not. I go, fuck off. And I know these fans want to argue with you about your life. Yeah, because you know he's going to go on Twitter and go, I saw a boss cashing in coins. Yeah, thanks for that help. Yeah, yeah. You know, a similar thing, that level of like surreal.

When I was in the halfway house, as part of the program, you had to get a local job. So I worked on a garbage truck. I threw garbage for two months. I worked at an Exxon station. So for a month, I'm working at an Exxon station in Clinton, Lebanon, New Jersey. I'm 31. Off of 78. Yeah, exactly.

People would recognize me. So now the rumor goes out Arnie Lang's working at an Exxon station. Okay. Howard's book comes out, and I'm reading. Lang's working at an Exxon station. Okay. Howard's book comes out and I'm reading, I'm sitting at an Exxon station working there. I'm reading an interview

from 2004 we did with Donald Trump. It says my name asking the current president a question and I hear, hey jerk off, $10 regular.

And like he was like, I'm fucking with you. I'm taking a picture and then I'm fat. But honestly, he needed the gas and I had to pump the gas. I'm taking a picture. But honestly, he needed the gas. And I had to pump the gas. I mean, you know, again.

So that killed that day. In other words, my biggest problem is what's next? What's going to happen after the gig? Okay, now we're not getting high. But how am I going to... The other thing is I didn't realize how much time getting high. Being a drug addict was more than a full-time job. It consumes.

I mean, it consumes. It consumes. You have no idea. This last run, dude, was off the charts. How I'm alive, you have no fucking... I mean, again... Listen, you don't know how great things will be the longer you stay sober.

I'm telling you. Right now, I can see it every day now. You know, it just... I can't stop nicking my gum. You just... But I get that. I get it. Like, I'm like,

okay, now we'll do the podcast. Then what the fuck am I going to do? I'm going to do a spa day. Yeah, then I'll do a spa day. Then what the fuck am I going to do? I'm going to go to a governor's Christmas party. No, no, no.

A governor's... That sounds great if I'm not drinking and doing cocaine. But you don't have to. You've got this long. That's the other thing. We made it here, dude. I mean, if you're coming up on a year, you understand.

First of all, I know this lady, a friend of mine, just got a year. This kid I sponsor or I talked to on the phone just got a year. Do you know how amazing that is? No, no. For the way I was running, dude, I mean, you know me. I mean, listen. I want to bring this up because, look, for the last run, the last four-year run on a regular basis, I was a working comedian on a podcast with Anthony Cumia on television doing talk shows.

My nose bled all day. I had an active nosebleed. Okay. I've been on, I was on the Howard Sternbleed. I've been on the Howard Stern show for nine years, been on the radio, been on TV. The hardest I've ever laughed in any broadcasting situation was because of Rich Voss. It was the second

Kumi show. Now, I tried to stop snorting drugs leading up to Kumi, because now I'm going to be on YouTube. I'm just doing gigs. I'm just doing, you know, whatever, chuckles with the fucking bloody nose. But now it's like, cool me, Zante.

Yeah, blah, blah. Okay. The first day, my nose bleeds the whole show. The second show, Voss is coming out. So he's sitting next to me. And now Voss is not a guy who ignores shit like that.

And that's why I love him. So I'm thinking, okay, this is going to be a disaster because now Rich Voss, this master insult comic, like one of the wittiest human beings on the planet. So my nose is bleeding profusely.

Anthony is kind of like trying to be in denial and Voss is kind of like, you know, he's been pointed through it. It's so obvious and I'm like, this is going to be the worst thing that ever happened to me. But then something happened. The show ended in a bit that me and Rich did. The bit was so good and in a

complicated way, I can't even totally re-describe it to people. I'm going to try, tell me if I'm doing this justice, because not only did it kill so hard, and maybe we might have been laughing, that might be the hardest I've ever laughed on the radio. I guarantee it was for me. Okay, so not only is that,

it's one of those bits that continued on Twitter, like for about two weeks. Yeah. For about, me and Rich were tweeting out the jokes because it was a punchline that just lent itself. Okay, so, there was a major, I think, hurricane in the South. Flood. In Houston. In Houston. Okay. So it started out to where they have all these public service announcements

in Houston. If you happen to have an extra shovel, if you have a lawnmower. And then it came out in the news that day that Joel Osteen, who owns two arenas, well, two arenas and claims to be a man of God, was not in the arena. So on the news, like, if you have a shed, there's two extra people.

So the joke was, one of us said, oh yeah, the thing should be, if you own an arena, if you own an arena, please. And so the other thing we noticed was no, the other thing in the news was there was no black people. There was no black people. I'm setting this up.

There was no black people that kind of were, it seemed like Olsteen wasn't letting black people into the arena. So we redo, so the bit became, and is it, I want to recommend, it's the second podcast I did with Anthony Cormier. And Anthony's brilliant and funny on it too,

of course. Oh yeah. But if you want to see something that might be my proudest moment in comedy, the evolution of it starts out my nose bleeding and Rich kind of pointing to it

and then it somehow gets, the last bit was really this half hour, so the bit became us doing a, you know you can't get in. A public service announcement on the news directed right.

It's as if Joel Osteen is telling you, I have an arena, but I only want a certain type of person at the arena who's a white person. So the jokes became like, if you drink grape soda on Thanksgiving, you can't get it. Don't come to the arena. If you've never even seen a hockey game on television.

If you took your rent money and bought a gold tooth. Do not come to the arena. If you've met your child. If you met your dad at the NFL draft, don't come to the NFL. So every joke was the news through Joel Osteen saying, I only know white people. So every joke was, how do we suddenly say, if you're a black person, don't come.

Don't come to the NFL. Oh, my God, man. I've never laughed so hard. Oh, my God, man. Oh, my God. I would have laughed so hard. So it became on the podcast, it became a thousand of those. Like, so Anthony's, and of course, Anthony's hilarious, so he picked up on it. So for the last 30 minutes of the show, it's Anthony would do one of those jokes, you would do it, I would do it, Anthony would do it, you would do it, I would do it.

And then it continued on Twitter for five days. And so now me and Rich are trying to make each other laugh. If you. Everyone is if you. Everyone's trying to. It was like no respect was if you. Yeah. That was the catchphrase.

Every racial stereotype you possibly could think of. Right. If you can jump, don't come to if you like white girls with blonde hair and fat asses don't come

don't come to it was I I laughed so hard but yeah then we were going back and forth

on Twitter yeah and then your next appearance it spilled over into that it's rare and again

I'll probably... I don't know if I'm doing it justice, but that's exactly what happened. It was so fucking... Because one, we were amazed at Joel Osteen, who's a billionaire. Right. And, you know, a man of God. Yeah, yeah. No, no, no.

No one's yet in the arena yet. So it went from if you have an arena to... Wait, there's no black people in the arena. You have wet tins from the flood. How about this? If you work in the bathroom at the arena, don't come to the arena. You have wet tins from the flood. How about this? If you work in the bathroom at the arena, don't come to the arena.

That's so funny. That title, man of God and a billionaire, that doesn't like... No, it was... See, Mike is a bit killer. No, I mean, that doesn't click well. You just ruined the best bit in the history of podcasting.

No, but I'm saying, the thing is, but a billionaire and a man of death, you know what I mean? Come on. Well, that was the point of the joke. That's what it was for. It was a complete fucking hypocrite. Skin scammer. Who came in here before me?

An athlete? Yeah, yeah, O.J. Anderson. If you're OJ Anderson. Does he still play? I don't know the names. Oh, shut up. They're running back from the Giants. The Super Bowl MVP from 90.

Otis Anderson. So what does he do now? He's not going to that arena. Well, I remember doing radio. He golfs with Jewish guys who get him fucking deals. What Lawrence Taylor does. Come to bring me. He's got some kind of company he's doing now, right? Well, I remember doing radio with... He golfs with Jewish guys who get him fucking deals. What Lawrence Taylor does. Come to bring me. What Lawrence Taylor does.

He's got like some kind of company he's doing now, right? He's got like 80 companies. He's the best guy in the world. Well, I... If you've ever won the Heisman trophy, do not come. If your name... If your name has the two letters MC in front of it.

If your sneakers have two different colored laces. That's fucking amazing. That's really amazing. If you're scared to turn the lights on in your kitchen at night. I was scared to turn the lights on in your kitchen at night. If your first name starts in a D or ends in a U.S., a.k.a. Demarcus, do not come. No, yes.

I mean, again, and the ending of that is we got so distracted with how funny that was, my nose continued to bleed profusely throughout the bit of that is we got so distracted with how funny that was, my nose continued to bleed profusely throughout the bit, and that got ignored. A 50-year-old man with a cocaine nosebleed. And we were laughing at him. Yeah, but when you went to bed at night, it kept going in still?

If you've been engaged to Lisa Lampanelli. Do not. Do not. Do not, do not go. I can't even look at it. Oh, I can't even look at it. If Sinbad is your Sinatra. Again, you know, I want to.

I could do this for hours. Yeah, no, again, we would. I think we would. Again, that's my new heroine. Well, stuff like that, again, that's why the grateful part about being comics, the fact that you get to hang out with funny people, and, you know, that should be enough.

But not only funny, insightful. Yeah. You know, I mean... Yeah. Comics are crazy, and a lot of them are assholes, but most of them are smart and funny and not boring and insightful. Absolutely.

The crew, I came up with, they're all fucking great. You know, Patrice, Norton, Billy, Bobby, Kevin Hart, all of them. And the fact that you're still alive and even, you know, with my shit, look who took Patrice out, you know. Yeah. It doesn't have to be, you know, crack and heroin. Cheesecake. That's what I mean. You know, it's like anything could get you, you know, crack and heroin. Cheesecake. That's what I mean.

You know, it's like anything could get you, you know. And that's scary as hell. Well, it's a blessing, you know, when I, because, listen, I saw you towards your end when you were hitting your bottom. Yeah. When I was coming out of selling you, I go, oh, fuck. No, no. Listen. What are you going to say?

This is a guy, when we made our movie a woman aren't funny you were the first real celebrity to do our movie I would do anything for you guys the movie's great thank you

and you guys are great you were the first you know and I mean we edited everything you said but still I still need my career

if you were offended about what Artie Lange said in women aren't funny do not if he was talking about you okay If you were offended about what Artie Lime said and women aren't funny, do not come. If he was talking about you. So, like, so I always, you know, was indebted to you. No, not even that.

It's like when you see a guy who's struggling and you go, he's not ready yet. What do you do? Yeah, but you never know. Look at, you know, this. What's that? Yeah you do? Yeah, but you never know. What do you mean, the prayer? What's that? Yeah, well, prayers, but, you know. Listen, you never know what someone's going to hear or see to make him, for it to click. Yeah.

You know what I mean? Right. You never fucking know. I remember many times, I'm not saying I'm a good person, I'm not, that I would call you or text you, you know, and I don't even know if it was the right number. No, no, I know. Dude, you, and again, when I would do podcasts and shows

and actively lie to people because I couldn't be honest, and guys like you and a couple of the other guys were always insanely nice, generous, helpful, with the knowledge you have that I did not have. Yeah, but see, the thing is, you never know what someone's going to hear or what's going to happen. You're an amazing talent.

You used to hear in meetings, some people die so some can live. That's bullshit. People live so some people don't die. That's right. People live so some don't have to die. Somebody might be listening to this right now, doubtfully. Somebody might be listening to this right now that hears something.

The fun we're having, we're not high. We're having a good time. People have been reaching out. People have been reaching out to us. What's that? People have been reaching out. Did you just say to us? No, no.

People have been reaching out. No, no. They really have. So you never know, right, Mike? No, People have been reaching out. No, they really have. So you never know, right, Mike? No, I'm sure people have been reaching out to me for a while. Think of that. Mike is not high. No. Right. Which is impressive. 23 years I haven't had a drink. No.

March 17th. How did he get it before me? Wait, you don't... You smoke pot? No. Nothing? No, he was... He fucking got... He's been clean and sober. No. Absolutely. 23 years. Wait, get out. March 17th, he's been clean and sober. No. Absolutely. 23 years. Wait, get out. March 17th. Not from the program, though. No, but on my own. On your own. There's no liquor

stores or dealers that are in his room. No, no, no. But my dad was a big believer in the program. He went to AA for years. Oh, there you go. Really? I never went. I just didn't. You never had one drink? No. Okay, say you're like, I don't know, say Esbury Park

or Belmar, and you're hanging on the beach trying to grab fish. But I avoid certain circumstances though, because I don't go to parties. I can't go to bars really that much. We have to invite invited as well.

No, no, seriously. Listen, here's the thing. I stay away from things I can't be around. It's true, too. You try to say, look, it's a blessing for me that my drug of choice was coke. Because the night I got out of rehab, they said, you got to quit comedy for a year. And I did comedy the night I got out of rehab. Me, too. The night I got out, I did comedy at the Wooden Nickels,

and one night at Bilazzo's used to book it. But in clubs, look, I'm an alcoholic as much as I am anything else, but if they were sitting in clubs with free base pipes, I might not have been able to go back in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? That's hard, man. You know, and I could see people go, you know,

you're in a 12-step meeting, and someone's going, I got this wedding to go to. I don't know how I'm going to handle it. And I'm sitting here going, well, I can't really connect with that. But I can't, you know what I mean? I can see what they're saying. No, absolutely. And again, the alcohol can be just as serious. I got to avoid partying and everything.

Look, if you put a, you know, a 21-year-old Carmen Electra in my room naked, willing to fuck me, and is in my apartment the whole time, if you fuck her, you go to jail. I'm going to jail. I can't. I'm going to fuck Carmen Electra if I can. I can't even walk into a liquor store. I don't.

I'm serious. Well, that's a legal issue, right? No, no, but... How far are you going to stay away from the playground? No, no, but smelling the booze, just going in there smelling the booze. But you work in nightclubs. There's booze.

But I try to get out of there as quick as I can. No, but that's a good point. I'm a good audience. He's a funny dude. Absolutely. If you're the opposite color of Mike's chin hair, I'm shaving this plug

for Monday. Boss, what do you got to plug? What do you got? Let's see. Well, no. Bobby always says do that last. Okay.

My new album on iTunes When I Saw Hamilton. It's my sixth album. What do you got? Let's see. Well, no. Bobby always says do that last. Okay. My new album on iTunes, When I Saw Hamilton. It's my sixth album. That's fantastic. When I Saw Hamilton. It's on iTunes. I don't know. Just get the fucking thing. If you loved Hamilton.

The play, not the actual guy. Do not come. Do not come. So that's great. That's a great title. One actual hit. It's on iTunes. And Creeps with Kids Tour, we're coming up.

We're our next, you know, we got February. Just go to creepswithkidstour.com. We have dates in 2020. I host the show, then Florentine, then Bennington, then Bobby. I've been doing comedy for 30 years. I want a show in Florentine, then Bennington, then Bobby. I've been doing comedy for 30 years. I want to go see that show. From beginning to end, it's fucking

slaughter. And you're hosting. Yeah, slaughter. And I'm hosting for the eighth time. Ridgefield Playhouse that's coming up. Yeah, it's coming up to Ridgefield in February. We got Tampa. We got Tampa. We got Atlanta. We got all kinds of shit

to Bregada. Turningstone. Yep. This weekend, I'm at Helium in Philly. I fucking, let me tell you. Tommy's booking it

is yelling out the gigs in my fucking ear. Oh, yeah? I love this. I can hear him well. I love it. No, but dude, look, I've been a comedian

a long time. That's a show you see. That's a show comics would want to see. Oh, yeah. It's a show you see. That's a show comics would want to see. It's a lot of fun being backstage with everybody. And then at the end of the show, we do a panel, and Bennington narrates it, and it's just so fun. Ronnie's the best.

All right, dude, thanks for coming on. Thanks for having me. One quick thing. Can I tell them something? When you plug stuff, right? We're out of time. Have you ever thought about plugging, telling people, requested it's serious, next know what I mean, for sound exchange?

What about it? No, no, I'm serious. Because for sound exchange, if you register at Sirius. Oh, when they play your bits on Sirius, you get paid. Yeah, I know that. No, but I'm saying, have you ever plugged like that? No. What am I going to plug?

Sirius, something serious. Well, you plug the album. That's really one of the few places you hear it. You hear it on Serious, I can get paid. But if they buy it on iTunes, they might not have Serious. So I say go to iTunes and buy it. No, I'm just saying. If you understood what Mike just said, do not come.

No, what I'm trying to say is how do you push it for Serious? You just did it. Not like that. That was the most unsmooth. How do you push it for Serious? That's it. I'm honest. You say subscribe.

It doesn't matter. Once they play it on serious, you're getting paid. I honestly don't know what the fuck you just said. Still. How do you get to play it nonstop on there? That's what I'm trying to say. Boss, I love you. Thank you for having me.

Stay clean, man. Thank you, bro. I love you. I'm telling you. Next time on Halfway House, Michael, explain what the fuck you just said.