Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 24 - ANTHONY CUMIA - PART 1

Episode Date: February 6, 2020

Artie Lange and Mike Bocchetti interview all-time great radio personality Anthony Cumia!  Presented by TheComicsGym.com  Thanks to Blue Chew. Go to BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE (just pay $5 shipping) when you use the promo code ARTIE”.  Thanks to Tommy John Underwear.  Visit www.TommyJohn.com/Artie for 20% off your next order of the most comfortable underwear ever!  Thanks to Manscaped - the makers of the worlds best ball trimmer!  Go to www.Manscaped.com and use the promo code Artie for 20% off your first order.

That's right, Mike. I like when Artie goes like this, Anthony. Well, they told me to do that in the beginning. It's like the clapboard in the movie. It's like a clap. You should clap more obnoxiously. I'm like, you're a king. Clap like a king and go, come on! Well, you're being inappropriate,

Mike, because that's how you start the fucking show and now I'm supposed to say, you're just like ranting. But that's fine. We can leave all that in because he's listening anyway. Mike Boschetti, my guest host. What's up, Mike? Is that a cardigan sweater, you think?

I bought it for myself. I liked it, actually. I ordered it through a... Did you get that Wallachs? Oh, you bastard. A nice Wallachs reference opened up. Wallachs. Where's Wallachs?

That voice you hear is the great Anthony Comey, my buddy. And he's here, and I don't know. I feel awkward because I feel like I owe you an apology. Not even close. I mean, I got the greatest opportunity in the world to do a show with Anthony at a time when I needed a job

and I was just out of control, man. I was out of control and it was a terrible crazy time. But now, like I said, I have a year clean and stuff, but it's a different perspective. So I want to publicly apologize to you. Oh my god. And Keith and everybody over there at Compound

Media. It was eight months. It was chaos, but there was a lot of fun. Oh my god. There was a lot of fun times. So much fun and such amazing stories. Yeah. Whether they were hilariously funny or tragic. They're just great stories.

And thank God we're talking about them with you here and not, oh, remember Artie. So, you know, no apology necessary. I've screwed the pooch more times than I could count without ever offering up an apology. Well, listen. I'm a terrible person. That's how it is. I mean, so am I. an apology. Well, listen. I'm a terrible person. That's how it is. I mean, so am I. That's when I figured out.

I started to think clearly. I'm like, I got him an asshole. Oh, shit. What happened? I thought I was awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All those years, the drugs were lying to me. It's like the Grateful Dead music.

You're like, well, I like this music. Wait, I don't like this music. I like me. I don't like me. You know, that soul search and shit. Yeah. Well, you actually went to rehab, right? Yeah, yeah. I know, that soul surgeon shit. You actually went to rehab, right? Yeah, I went to that

place, Ambrosia in Florida. Which I recommended. You did recommend it. That was so funny. Anthony goes, who do I know, kind of know, who would recommend a rehab? Arby Lang. Yeah, that's one of the first times that we really talked. We had never really spoken

And someone said, hey, my agent said If you could recommend a restaurant A health spa What is that, a rental car? How long were you there for? I was there for 30 days It was one of these court things Because I ran into some troubles

And sometimes you do things just for self-preservation Without any actual intent of getting better or doing it. So let me ask you that. So now what was that experience like? Was it grinding for you then? Because you know this is just something I've got to do. Yeah. And look, I've been to rehabs on every level.

I've been to that particular one. That one. I know. You're a legend there. You've got to fucking. Yeah, that's right. You're a legend there. You gotta fucking... Yeah, that's right. You're a legendary there. Everyone's talking about the Hardy Lang suite.

Yeah. So you gotta sit through those groups and shit. And knowing that there's no light at the end of the tunnel with you, this is all just complete waste of time. Yeah, yeah. It was 30 days, but I'm... I think people have a misconception about me that

that would bug me, and before I went is when I was bugged, because I was telling everybody, Keith and my lawyer and everything, I'm going, why the hell do I have to do this? I'm not going down there and sitting in a rehab for 30 days when I didn't do anything wrong, blah, blah, blah. Right. You know, you go through that whole thing. Absolutely. And then once

it was all set and ready to go, I just commit myself to it. I think I'd make a good prisoner because of that. Like, I just adapt to whatever happens. And so, I mean, did you have a, like, that's an interesting thing because, you know, it's funny. As many rehabs as I've been to, I always, at least in the beginning, fooled myself that I was going to do this for, you know. Right. I thought something finally stuck this last time. But you go, so I never went down there right from the get-go going, fuck this.

Right. You know, I'm going to just do this. So I don't know. I would have left, man. No, I committed to do the 30 days because it wasn't that bad. And that place on the intercoastal. The water's right there. It was, I got sent down there at the beginning of April and it was much warmer than it was up here.

And that place is co-ed too. The place is co-ed. All these trunk. How many food did you have? Like beef burger and your own things like that. You gotta cook yourself in the kitchen and shit like that but the girls like they bring in

these bombed girls and again I have no sympathy or anything I'm not sitting there going well I better not do such and such

because I don't wanna influence I'm just looking going let's have some fun yeah of course so you're the actually worst person for them to have

the worst person I was the friggin fly in the ointment that's the argument I would've made to your lawyer. The worst person. I was the frigging fly in the ointment. That's the argument I would have made to your lawyer. I would have said, listen, I'm going to ruin 30 other people. 30 other people that are trying to help themselves. Right. Because that's right.

When they bring in some of those broads, man. I say it. Like some of those meth chicks. You go from Denise Richards to Keith Richards in three weeks. Well. Crystal. Yeah, but the thing is. They are hackers.

God bless both of you guys. You know why I've been sitting through group therapy? I can't take complaints with fucking wine. Oh, the group thing was really weird. That's what they do down here, though. Because you sit there, you're in a group, and they would... I remember this one thing they would do is tell you, from 1 to 10, what kind of day you have it.

Right, that's the first thing you've got to say. 10 is great, 1 is bad. How you feeling? Yeah. Things like that. And I would always be, I go, that's solid eight today. I'm feeling good. I go, it would be a nine if I had some beers.

Right. You know, make a little joke. But then there are the same guys that go, I'm having a one. No, that's most of them. This is terrible. And I'm like, oh, okay. This is real for these people. Like, they are in of them. This is terrible. And I'm like, oh, okay, this is real for these people. Like, they are in some shit.

Right. And I'm just like, hey, do we get to go to Walmart today? But you see, you're saying, shut the fuck up, Senator Warner. I got that point. I got that there were people in real trouble that were trying to help themselves. So I never tried to throw a monkey wrench into anyone's works. Right. But again, the breaking point

was when we went in the pool, they had a beautiful pool down there. It's a great place. Right. That was a nice one. They were there and these girls had come in, they get in their bathing suit and they're in the pool. And this one girl's like coming up behind

me and she's grabbing my legs in the pool and and that's the no-no right right you can't touch the counselors come over and they're like hey so it came out somebody said that that this girl and me were fooling around in the pool right so i get called into the meeting and and the counselor's like you're an adult and yeah were you uh was there anything going on in the pool? I go, no, you know, we were just playing around in the pool. There was some contact.

But I go, it was nothing. He goes, well, some people said that she was on you or something. And I was like, no, no. First of all, that story infuriates me because, you know, see, stuff like that only happens in the private rehabs. And these rehabs I just was in for a year with the jail shit. There's no rat. Nobody wants a rat. Like about anything.

How about that? No rat. These cunt pussies down there, guys or girls, see this girl. He was touching her in the pool. That shit never happens. Yeah. Who the fuck would say something? Oh yeah. You'd probably get your ass handed to you. Yeah. I mean,

it's dealt with in another way. Like, there's fighting and there's, you know, and, you know, that's funny, too. The difference in the private rehab and the jail rehabs, because I've been to both,

is, like, when you start a fucking group, it's like you're in jail. These are the same people you'd see in prison. In prison. In prison, okay. And then violent.

I was in a halfway house with fucking arsonists, child molesters, guys with violent crimes, you know. And, like, the first guy, so, you know, you know,

C-Rock, how you doing? That would be his nickname, C-Rock. And I go, man, I'm looking at a 14-year bid. Like, that's the one to attend. Right.

You're going to slap your ass in the shape. That guy's one you were with was like, I had an extra Chardonn one to attend. Right. You're going to slap your ass into shape. That guy's one you were with was like, I had an extra Chardonnay at Christmas. That's because my kid did shitty on the LSAT, so they ain't getting into Harvard Law. Or, you know, the deck on my fucking Hampton's home. This kid's looking at a 14

year jail time. Yeah, jail time. There's no ratting going on. If you see somebody in the pool, it's like encouraged. Yeah. But that's the difference. You got to be. So, you know, I remember that.

But it's so funny that you're that honest about it. And you were in the beginning. Like, I'm not. I don't give a shit. I said I'm not. I went along with doing the projects that they wanted me to do. There's art therapy. You got to draw.

The art therapy was ridiculous. I've always watched programs like that, documentaries on things. And HBO would have things like that. And I'd watch and go, what kind of bullshit psycho babble is this? And now I'm sitting there. They're putting a piece of fucking construction paper and crayons in front of me. I'm like, what happened? Draw the happiest time in your life.

Draw, you know, write a goodbye letter to your drug. Right, right. That one. You did that? Yeah. Alcohol, I guess. Alcohol. But I kept telling the guy, I go, I'm really, you know.

And they said, because obviously one of the steps is you have to know that you have a problem. Admitting it. You have to admit it. Yeah. And you're powerless over it. Admit that. That's step one. Your life is out of control.

Yes, yes, yes. And I went to the counselor and I said, look, I've had some out of control moments in my life from booze. I go, but my life isn't out of control because of booze. Right, right, right. I have to. And then the big thing they go is, yet. Not out of control yet. Well, I don't know. They want to really end. I Uber now. I have to. And then the big thing they go is, yet. Not out of control yet.

It's like, I don't know. They want to really end. I Uber now and I go out. It's like putting a kibosh in you. What the hell's wrong with them? Yeah. No, they're trying to, in other words, they're trying to justify the fact that you're there, first of all.

Yeah, right. Exactly. It's good that they allowed you to get a private one, but I'm saying, you know, it's so funny, you've got to write a goodbye letter to your drug and then, look, I'm just going to have to write another hello letter. Yeah. How do you do again? Yeah, because I immediately started drinking again.

Like right in the airport. When they drove me, they drove me to the airport over there in Florida. And I went in, went right to the bar and said, give me a cold bud. Because I knew I wasn't going to play a charade I could have not drank there and then maybe a week at home did they have random urine tests there? oh yeah yeah

they would be like Anthony it's your time piss test oh I'd have to piss test and then when I came home I had to attend some counseling things but the woman shrink that I was seeing for the alcohol thing Yeah, didn't give a shit like she'd make me piss in a cup Kind of look at something, but I'd been drinking. I don't know does it pick up drink

Because the drugs I don't I just don't do drugs. There's there's there's a there's a cop I know it's funny Yes that because the cups that you piss in normally, sometimes they have to get an extra dipping stick for alcohol. Oh, for booze? Yeah, they never did that. I was handing her money, and she was fucking just writing it off. Oh, really?

There you go. Yeah, no problem. But here's one of the – this was crazy. I had to – because it was a domestic violence thing, I had to go to a domestic violence class. Right. And this woman, uh,

it was a woman and myself alone in this relatively small office. And she would pop in these VHS cassettes of toxic masculinity and all that shit. So I'm watching it. The woke generation. Dude, I'm watching it and she's showing me and wants me to then talk about what I saw and what was this violence towards women, even if it wasn't physical. But the fucked up thing was they're showing clips of Dice.

They're showing clips of you, Artie. When? From the Howard Show. Really? Talking about stuff, and it was a bunch of videos of men telling jokes that were deemed sexist or something. So they stop it, and I go, is it a problem if I know some of the guys in the fucking don't do this video? That's hilarious.

Yeah. I know the guys in the do not do video. I didn't know that. It was awesome. Like Dice's stand up? Yeah, Dice doing his stand up. It was a few stand-ups. You on Howard.

And it was just, I'm like, this lady doesn't have any clue what I do here. That's hilarious. Well, were you recognized a lot down there? Yeah, yeah. Down at the rehab was, oh, it was great. I mean, again, that's something else I can relate to. Yeah. That can be very stressful.

It's a little stressful. It's weird. Like, you don't want to, but people were, they seemed, for the most part, to be pretty cool. Oh, yeah. We would just watch TV. They tried to be. A lot of watching TV. But there was something that, they got big problems.

And, you know, they're not good to be around. Some of the fucking stories you hear, man. Oh, tragic. I told you, I do, in my stand-up act, I do, the last special I had on Comedy Central. I put this in. A guy in a group therapy came in and said that he kidnapped his best friend's baby and sold it for angel dust. That's when he started up. That's when he started it.

Yeah, but is this any worse than... I have major OCD, right? I've been in the hospital three times. For OCD? Yes. With anxiety. But the thing is, is I like what any worse than this no absolutely a psych ward where you would go up again absolutely it's

worse hospital psych ward it's worse than this and this is like the movies though sometimes like a psych ward well if you're medicated that up when Jack Nicholson's there very when Nicholson's there they were very slow as a people I mean anybody you're not gonna fucking tell me that you're not gonna

fucking tell me that now we gotta watch the World Series no no no but I'm saying anybody real but anybody real dangerous is locked away what do you mean

there's nothing locked away here the place he went the place he went it's like a college dorm campus there was people there was one guy there like a college dorm campus. There was one guy there who was a college professor that had problems. It was whatever.

But, I mean, real dangerous people. You're behind locked doors, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, in a psych ward, no. Because I've been to those, too. You don't lock the doors because they have to get in in case you try to commit suicide. They have to get in there. Oh, shit.

They have to get in there. Oh, okay. They don't lock the doors. That's scary. It's are really scary because I was there three times. Yeah. One guy was a professor

from Columbia. He thought he was doing anesthesia or something. I was real smart, like guys who were... Yeah, those guys that snapped because they're too smart. Yeah, yeah, really.

Like, you know, absolutely. You think too much. It's scary, though. Like Elon Musk. Yeah, yeah, Elon Musk. There's more dangers for you guys.

What are we doing now? Huh? There's more dangers for you guys. What? Oh, no. Huh? There's more dangers for you guys? No. What I'm trying to fucking say, if you let me get a word out, is where he was is like a country club. Okay. There's nothing.

There's like rich drunks who go there. Okay. Yeah. Or rich housewives who are hooked on Xanax. Shit like that. Right. That can be crazy. Because I've been a couple of those really like, those really wealthy,

there's one place in Connecticut I went called Silver Hill, which is a real upscale place after I left Stern. And these women take half a milligram of Xanax every day for like 30 years, just half a milligram. And then when you take that fucking away from them, holy shit. Wow. No, they get like Nicholson in Cuckoo's Nest. Holy shit. They're screaming.

And it's just a half. Yeah, I need my pill. If you take it consistently like that, it gets to be enough. Well, that's what they did, too, when they put me in detox. Because before you go into rehab, you've got to go to detox. And there's no ifs, ands, or buts. This is just what they do. And I hadn't even had a drink in days.

It was pretty close to the facility. Oh, okay. So it was down there. And that place is even better because there were just cute girls down there, all kinds of fucked up. It's South Florida we're talking about. It was awesome. So I go in there, and I've told the story before,

but I hadn't drank for days before I even went there. So I didn't need to detox. I wasn't having the DTs or anything, but they stick to one procedure. I walked up to the window when they called my name and they gave me a Xanax. And I'm like, I don't need this. I'm fine. And she goes, no, you have to take it. That's rare that someone's turning down a Xanax. I didn't. She goes, no, you have to take it. And I took it. Within 10 minutes of arriving in this whole journey of rehab, I was fucking high as fuck, sitting on a couch watching TV with one of the greatest Xanax buzzes.

No, I was terrified of Xanax. It was awesome. How often did you have to take it? It was like every day. Every day to the Xanax. Yeah, they gave you a Xanax. They weaned you off of it. They weaned you off of it.

Yeah, but it was like that was so you didn't get the shakes or convulsion for alcohol. And I understand if you're doing a handle of vodka a day, you probably need that. And you've never been close to DT, right? Oh, my God, no. I've had some pretty kick-ass hangovers. I mean, again, that's a unique experience going into it like that. Oh, yeah. But again, like 30 days, you might think of it as like, wow, you'd be pissed or that.

I liked it. It was kind of enlightening. The vacation almost. Yeah, why not? That's what it sounds like. Yeah, educational. Learned a little something, met some people. Hey, Mikey, today's episode is sponsored by Tommy John.

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in 2020. How's Beavis? I love that cat. My cat Beavis is fine. It's probably what gave me my fat lip and allergic... Fat lip? Yeah, I woke up with a fat lip? Yeah, I woke up with like a swollen lip and that. And it was supposed to be

some allergic reaction or something. But who the fuck knows? You reach an age. Like I was saying the other day, I wake up, my foot is pounding, hurting for no reason. Oh, no. I call Dr. Steve, who's our resident doctor guy. Right. And then they start giving you everything. Don't go to WebMD.

You'll have cancer and everything. You go to WebMD, it shows a picture, a drawing of someone scratching their hand. It goes, first sign of leukemia. You're like, I can scratch my hand all the time. What the fuck are you doing? I'm getting older.

I'm going to be like an old Jewish couple with my fucking anxiety. I told you, if I feel a cramp, I'm like, oh, I have Lou like an old Jewish couple with my fucking anxiety I told you if I feel a cramp I'm like oh I have Lou Gehrig's disease of course how can I not have something wrong with me

you have to have something wrong with me but if I get a bad headache I'm like I have a brain tumor of course what else could it be when I first went to

when I first went to the doctor like he wanted to check my liver and he told me I didn't have insurance at the time and he goes did you put a mechanic suit on?

Like, get a creeper? It's like, this is going to be a job. He goes like this. He goes, you know, I'm going to try to give you a test. I think you have a fatty liver. And he told me what the test cost. I'm like, listen, what are the odds I don't have a fatty liver? Why don't we just go with a yes?

Just put down yes. And then tell me what you're going to tell me What don't drink I fucking know It's like people who go to a gym to lose weight Stop eating and walk a little bit What the fuck You know how to lose weight

If you think you can just Go to the gym And still do what you're doing And lose weight You're fooling yourself there You can't inhale a pizza and then walk out. No, I worked out. Now I can have pizza.

Right. No, you're right. You can't fucking eat a pizza. There's no genius fucking equation to it. But you just said when you were talking before the show, you're getting older, and so you think everything is going to be like you said, you've got an ache in your foot.

Yeah. And you're like, what is that? And it could be forever. It's going to kill me. That is going to be like you said, you got an ache in your foot. Yeah. And you're like, what is that? And it could be forever. It's going to kill me. Like that's going to be the rest of your life until your dying day. Your foot's going to fucking be in agonizing pain. What happened? Or it goes away tomorrow.

Right. And it went away tomorrow. That's what happened. I was walking through Penn Station after my show to get to the train and I was like, my foot, I couldn't walk on it. And I'm like, this is bad. Because I've always thought whenever I see, you see old guy, and I'm not talking 80 years old.

I'm just talking a guy in his 60s or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And he's hunched over, and he's limping. And I look, and I just think, like, just stand up straight and fucking walk. Right. What are you doing? And then when I can't walk, I'm like, oh, fuck, I can't walk. No, it's horrible.

Maybe it is in your head, though. But then it went away, yeah. Anxiety could cause that. It could. I know, yeah. fuck, I can't walk. No, it's horrible. Maybe it is in your head, though. But then it went away, yeah. Anxiety could cause that. I know, yeah. The gout is the worst. Yeah, the gout. This is gout fire. It sounds like the gout is so fucking painful.

18, 20, the gout. No, that's an old, that's like having scurvy or something. What about your rheumatiz? How is that? I'd get my rheumatiz medicine, Jim. I'm dying of consumption. Yeah, the consumption or the vapors. Mike has everything that Edgar Allan Poe's wives died from.

I did, really. The gout is so fucking painful. Edgar Allan Poe had four wives who died from consumption and the gout. The gout is so painful. What is the gout? I've never, you know, surprisingly enough, I've never had the gout. It's like a bunch of Russian dressing just like goes into your foot. It's so painful you can't dressing just goes to your foot.

You can't even get up. You can't even stand up. But it's from eating creamy foods. It's a buildup of uric acid in your joints. Yeah. And it fucking supposedly attacks your feet. And it really hurts. And it could cause the bones to get spiky. Oh, yeah.

And shit. There was a guy, again, in the rehab I was just in. He got the gout. This guy Will. You couldn't even put a sheet over his foot. You put a sheet over his foot and he fucking went nuts. I said, I don't know how the hell you're still here. You feel like blowing your foot open with a shotgun. At that point, pull the sheet over your head and you're fucking done.

I'm saying, the shit you gotta do anyway. He's in a wheelchair in his jail rehab. I'm like, what the fuck, man? This is just not what I signed up for. You get out walking. you're in good shape. That's fucking imperative. I used to fucking, at this rehab I was just in in Patterson, New Jersey, there were all these great old black guys who were like these old school dudes from the 70s. Watching animal shows with those guys.

Oh, shit. I said to myself, I wish Anthony could hear this. I said, I wish I was on the CUME still to talk about this. They were watching animal shows, and they would be like, Fucking lion, go eat that motherfucker, man. You're a fucking old lion. Elephant's going to step on his ass. Elephant's going to step on his ass, man.

Then you go, I'm married to a wildebeest. Like, they're just high-fiving. They were the most fun guys. Not quite mutual of Omaha's wild kingdom. No, and I said that should be a show. Like an animal show. An animal play where it's these three fucking guys. I'd watch that in a second.

It's like the three guys and do the right thing. Mike Tyson, dream about kicking my ass. I'm going to wake up and apologize. Black people are the best creative people Carson was. I love that. Oh, look at that. There you go. There's a woke comment.

No, but the thing is that the greatest people curse is the creative one. It's super creative. You're setting the bar a little low for them right there. They're super creative. So creative they can curse in ways white people couldn't think of. Mike, why don't you say that in blackface? I want to get a freight car blackface and put Mike in it and have him be Justin Trudeau, the Canadian. The Canadian guy.

Yeah, some people got away with it. That other guy down there in, where is it, Virginia? How about Whoopi Goldberg was one person. Remember Ted Danson? Ted Danson. And to Whoopi Goldberg at a Friars Rose. Yeah, some people get away with it. But it's selective outrage. And she defended him.

Yeah, yeah. She defended him. It's selective outrage. That's what it is. You know, these guys clearly, this Tr That's what it is. No, it's a lot of that. You know, these guys, this Trudeau guy, this liberal guy, it's clearly, you know, maybe race is an issue with him. But he got off. He got off. Yeah, they don't attack them as well. No, some people get off the hook because it's selective outrage.

Some people would hang by the balls. Some people get away with it. Speaking of that, you know, this is in the news as we tape this. Mike, I didn't realize, you know, the Ari Shaffir thing, that tweet about Kobe Bryant. Oh, yeah, Kobe Bryant. That was a rough one, man. I'm the last one to fucking, you know. I mean, look, I've had my moments on Twitter. And I've said stuff out loud.

It's hard to defend. That was rough. You know why? Because, again, okay, Kobe Bryant had some issues. He was acquitted. But it's like his beautiful daughter was killed. Oh, I know. And the seven other people.

Yeah. And I think there's a thing in comedy now where there's this, and I like Ari. I don't know what's going to happen. And again, I'd be a hypocrite if I said, if I started bashing someone. But that was, you know, that was bad. I think Ari. And it was so soon. Yeah, yeah.

And you know what? It was so soon that... And this is Ari's side of the story, and I've heard it. And, you know, he said he didn't know the kids had died at that time. You got to get the details, man. Like, maybe get the details. And he is known for posting horrific shit about that. But it's usually got a little more of a joke to it than just, hey, I'm glad this guy's

dead. Yeah, the good guys. And the pic, it is so sad to see him with that little girl and to realize how she died and stuff. So he's got a rough road ahead. But I'm saying, this is like, and I'll get to Mike's opinion on this in a second, but this is like

I'm going to let that fucking idiot have it. He hasn't liked Ari. And again, I have no problem with Ari, but that was a wrong move and we've all made wrong moves. I think, yeah, well... But he... There's a thing in comedy now

where if you're the other side of this politically correct... And again, I really think when I was doing your show and crashing at the same time, I should be in some sort of Book of World Records

because I was working with Judd Apatow and Pete Holmes and HBO and Anthony Cumia at the same time. And I was friendly with both sides. Yeah. You were like a Jew in the Third Reich. I was weird. I was a middle man.

Yeah. But I'm saying, so if you're, again, one of the things Ari said to defend himself was, you know, it's my brand. This is the shit I do. Which is that you're digging a bigger hole. You just at this point, just let it be. Just try to let the fire go out. But, you know, I think some comics who are not the woke side, or is that, I guess, a

new word for political correctness? Yeah. Woke. I can't say. You have to say it because it new word for political correctness? Yeah, woke. You have to say it because it's the only way to identify it. But if you're the other side of it, like probably the side that we would be on, maybe Ari, whatever, I think there's going to be this trend

now where you want to be crazy. You want to be so offensive, and it might cost you a lot more than you think. Yes, still. Because you just said, you made the point, even if might cost you a lot more than you think. Then, yes, still. Because you just said, you made the point, even if you don't have a joke, you'll just say it just to be fucking shocking. Just to be outrageous and shocking. And that's going to hurt you, man.

Here's what happened. We kind of got this little glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel with Bill Burr's special, and what's his name? Chappelle. A couple of things like, oh, are we getting back to that? And then these poor bastards

go, cool, and throw something out there. It's like, no, you're not impervious yet. There's certain people who can, you know, get away with it. How did Machine get away with it? But why do you,

but you came in really pissed off at Ari. Why do you hate Ari Shafir? He's a scumbag. He was arrogant to Mike. Oh, he was arrogant to you. But isn't everyone that way? No, he's just a fucking

arrogant pile of shit. Wow. There you go. But not because of this latest thing, because of stuff in the past. No, he's just a fucking douche wad.

I don't like him. I've just always liked Ari. I've never had a problem with him. I don't have a problem with this either. You know what I like? As much as other people do. The industry loves arrogant cocksuckers like him.

Wow. Because most of them are. Say again? The industry likes arrogant cocksuckers like him because most of them are. Well, the industry's not liking him now. Well, yeah, no, it's true. The industry will retreat. They love arrogance.

They fucking love. You know they love arrogance as well as I do. They love arrogant assholes like him. Well, okay. Jesus Christ, Mike. What the fuck did he do to you? No, but the thing is, but at the same time. Were you on the helicopter? No, but those pussies are going to run into the cupboard now too at the same time.

Yeah. How was he arrogant? I just don't want to talk about that dickhead. Okay. I don't want to end it now. Well, clearly you don't want to talk about him dickhead. Okay. Clearly, you don't want to talk about him. No, but the thing is that all people... This is the time to bash Ari if you want to get a sitcom.

So maybe this will work for you. All people that kissed his ass are fucking pushing each other for cover now. Running for cover from... That's L.A., bro. Have you ever spent time in L.A.? Yeah. Do you ever live there? It's not in L.A., bro. Have you ever spent time in L.A.? Yeah. Did you ever live there? It's not in L.A. proper.

I visited L.A. enough and been around the comedy club circles to see that whole head and attitude and what goes on out here in New York. And it's just, they are. It's different because I came, my first break was in the L.A. system, you know, network television, studio movies, the stand-up world, blah, blah, blah. And then I got into radio, and there's a different type of asshole in radio. A radio asshole executive is very different than an LA executive, but they're both assholes. That's hilarious. Yeah, they are. They're both a different breed of asshole and liar.

Yes. And you know what Arie told me recently? He goes, Mike, you turned your hip. He goes, I hate when you're hip. He goes, I said I could see your hip. He goes, you're dying to sit on the couch at Lago in L.A. next to John Stewart. Mike says a lot of shit to me. Like, he's trying not to be offensive.

It sounds like you're trying to get a deal. You're 64 in a cardigan sweater. He said to me, you're going to sit on the couch next to Jon Stewart at Lago and fucking W.O. Unless they remake Everyone Loves Iron Man as a role for Peter Boyle's dad. You want to keep your doors

open out there. You're not going to offend someone like Judd Apatow or anything that might be able to do something. Judd is awesome. Look, he's running for cover, like you said. No, listen to this. Judd, these are all my pals who I'd love to work with. Judd. Have you ever met them?

For like three seconds. Very nice. Here's the pals I want to... Mr. Steven Spielberg, you may have heard of him. Bob Odenkirk. Judd, listen to this. Sandler, Will Ferrell, all the good guys. There you go. He's hit everybody. The people that you're not going to work with.

Alessio Milano. Make your wishes higher. Spielberg, Lucas. Alessio Milano. Kubrick. Tarantino. Everybody on the board of DreamWorks. Tarantino.

Elon Musk. Mike's going to be a... Bob Tarantino. What about the Harvey Weinstein shit? It's getting crazier. And how it's connected to politics. Isn't it amazing how Epstein is connected to the Clintons and Weinstein is connected to the Clintons

and that creepy plane with Bill Clinton. How does Hillary Clinton get away with defending those people? A log of people that have flown in it that says Bill Clinton. Like, how does Hillary Clinton get away with defending those people? With a log of people that have flown in it that says Bill Clinton. Right. Like, there's no saying he didn't go there. Pictures of him. Yeah. And how do you deny it? Just by going, yeah, but I don't know.

No, I mean, look at the other way. You know, Trump says that, you know, stars can grab a chick's pussy. He didn't rape a chick in the fucking Oval Office, for Christ's sake. He said they're in there for power. They love it. Oh, they'll let you do anything. You could grab them by the pussy, which was an example, an overinflated example of him saying you could do anything.

Right. And then he picked out, like, the worst thing you could do. Not that he goes. And then they put it like, oh, he admitted he grabs girls by the pussy. It's like, no, it was... Yeah, but they're all pricks at the end of the day because you know why? You know that Clinton's grabbing George Washington's silverware on the way out. Mike, you're using a different

theory now. Now you're insulting people that could affect your career. Oh, boy. You gotta be careful. You just complimented all these people and now you're insulting politicians who could have those people killed. No, but the thing with the politicians, right? I mean, come on.

Clintons were fucking stealing. Would you have blown Weinstein to get a role in a Tarantino movie, a Miramax? How big is the role? Would you have let him grope you? Right. Would you let him jerk off on your cardigan? Is the cash element involved? How big is the role? Yeah, how big is the role?

I'm saying now he's got to face, like, you know, again, like the Cosby thing. Broads just keep coming out of the fucking woodwork. With more and more insane stories. Did you hear the latest one that he doesn't have testicles? Yeah. And he smells. How are you in court like that? Where that comes from.

He appeared to have a vagina, she said. Yeah, he appeared to have a vagina. The story's great because... I mean, he's in front of her. She came to his hotel room and then he made a move on her. She said no and he starts forcing

himself on her. So she goes, I just didn't know what to do so I kept backing up and I backed into the bedroom. She says this and then I kept backing up and I backed into the bedroom. She says this. And then she kept backing up, trying to get him away, and fell backwards on the bed. Wow. There you go.

You couldn't have picked the kitchen? It sounds like Desiree Washington. The problem is, again, I think Mike Tyson I don't think Mike Tyson raped that girl. I think he got set up. I don't know. I hope the girl wasn't raped, but I don't think she was. that girl. I think he got set up. I think he got set up. I don't know. I mean, listen. Listen, listen.

I hope the girl wasn't raped, but I don't think she was. But that's just my opinion. The problem is, even Tyson, it was just one. I mean, like, Cosby and Watson, it's like constant, constant, constant. So I think he's in trouble. They come out of nowhere now. Yeah, I think he's in trouble. Like, even Kobe got away with something if he did something.

Yeah, that was a weird story. That was a weird story. And it's like, oh, he paid her off to keep her quiet. You know, sometimes you just pay money to get the fuck out of the situation. That's true. Because it's going to take you forever, the court cases. If you got the money. My divorce?

I bailed on an actual trial for divorce 15 seconds into the trial Dominic Barber that fuck he got up there he was my wife's attorney he gets up there and he's like well Anthony how about we start by talking

about the how you opened up the marital bed to other women. All right, all right. Bye. And I see the New York Post and Daily News guys. What year was this? So you were a celebrity at this point. I had already.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I was waiting. I was waiting for this to be over to sign my big, big contract. Right. And they just kept postponing it, postponing it, knowing. And then I see the Daily News and the Post guys writing like,

oh, here it is, the threesome story, this one, that. So I was like, okay, can we talk? We go in a room, I said, all right,

give me a good, I go, give me a reasonable offer to end this right now. Right, right, right. And it was not reasonable as far as

I was concerned, but I was willing to just get it the fuck over with. Gotta get the fuck out of it. I gave her over a million it the fuck over with. Gotta get the fuck out of there. Get all the nonsense out of your life. I gave her over a million dollars.

Oh, wow. And just recently, there's a picture someone sent me of mugshot of her in South Carolina for shoplifting something under $50. Get out of here. Yeah. Really? Justice has been served. Yes. I know.

That's what I thought. No kidding. She blew it all. Wow. Yeah. So you're a great guy?, I know. That's what I thought. No kidding. She blew it all. Wow. Yeah, yeah. You're a great guy. I love it. I love it because you're a great guy. Justice has been served. I'm not that great, but I do like that it was served. 15 seconds in. Yeah, yeah.

15 seconds in. Do you think that was Dominic's game plan? Oh, of course. Yeah, yeah. And he's such a fucking scumbag with, like, I would walk in the courtroom, I have my lawyer who's all business and stuff, he sucked, but at least he was all business. And Dominic would go to the judge, he's like, oh, look at it, hey Anthony,

hold on judge, hold on, do the impression. Oh, God. And I'm in the courtroom like, this isn't fun in game time, Dominic. Wow, wow, wow. He was just that guy. Do the impression of the judge you were just doing. Yeah, how about that one? Order, order.

And then I saw that whole thing that happened with Dominic. He lost his ability to practice law. His house got repoed out east. Crazy. Long Island. He got arrested at the Miracle Mile Mall up there on the North Shore of Long Island for stealing a pocketbook. Oh, my God. mile mall up there on the North Shore of Long Island for stealing a pocketbook. The last time I saw him, he was at the train station, Miniola.

Miniola there. He was in a car. He rolled the window and he goes, Anthony, how you doing? It was like an old Toyota. He's just devastated. No kidding. I don't know that. I don't know that. I think it was a miracle whip ball.

Yeah. He came to my house after the shit happened with that girl and I got arrested. Right. He came to my house and was like, I just want to talk to you about, you know, maybe if you've got any problems, if you ever need any help. Like this scum. After all that shit happened. After all that shit. I don't know.

People updated Peter Cole. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know his voice, but he sounds like he's updated Peter Corleone. Yeah, I don't know, man. I just think that that's a, like, you know, the whole divorce thing. Like, there's a couple of wealthy people I know that they just decided to. One of my favorite stories, and again, I might be getting some of this wrong, but Sam Simon, the guy who created The Simpsons, I've been always good friends with, co-created The Simpsons. He got like a billion dollars from The Simpsons. At the time, he was married

to Jennifer Tilly, and the story was, and I don't know if this is true or not, but the story was that the one piece of advice Jennifer gave him in the marriage was, don't take The Simpsons. Don't do that stupid cartoon. And he didn't, he went against it, but he was telling me stories that,

you know, about the money, where when you have that kind of money, and Jennifer, I work with her in a movie, she's the greatest it, but he was telling me stories about the money, where we have that kind of money. And Jennifer, I work with her in a movie. She's the greatest girl, but you really got to— Again, it's like the Michael Jordan thing. When he gave that $275 million to his wife, she was not shooting free throws. No, she wasn't the one shooting free throws. Half of it. Yeah, I was talking about—with my wife, I said I was successful despite her fucking being involved in my life.

She was always the one. I'd be at a gig and the general manager and program director and executives and sales staff, they're all there. And there's my wife literally falling off a bar stool on the floor. Like, I got to deal with that shit? Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was the worst. So, yeah, when it came time, like, I just got to get her out of my life. I took a shit. No kids, no fuck.

I was on a sitcom with Norm MacDonald for two years on ABC. So, you know, the networks have this thing they call the Upfronts in May in New York City. Everybody from L.A. comes out. They introduce to all the advertisers what the schedule's going to be that year on the network.

So we got picked up for a second year and Norm didn't want to come back from LA. And I was back in New York for like, you know, the summer. And he goes, hey, you just go to the fucking thing. He goes, you can sit next to Michael Eisner and all those fucks over there to bring abroad.

And I'm like, all right. So I knew this like really, I was single at the time. I knew this really hot stripper chick, sexy as hell. Like there. I said, bring a broad. And I'm like, all right. So I knew this like really, I was single at the time. I knew this really hot stripper chick. Sexy as hell. Like, and I said, hey, you want to, I got this big like ABC party.

You want to come by? And she's going to be like, oh, like the head of Disney, the head of ABC and shit. Oh my God, yeah. She gets all dolled up and she was so fucking hot. She had this short black hair,

like a tiger miniskirt on. Like it was turning heads in this part. I had no reason to be with this boy. So I pick her up and I'm kind of making out with her in the cab and she's like, I'm going to fuck this chick later. And we get to the party

and she starts fucking just wafting down. Not wine. She was like Dean Martin. She was drinking martinis. She was down, you know. Oh, no. Not wine. She was like Dean Martin. She was drinking martinis. She was drinking, you know, give me a, I think she was drinking gin martini. Who the fuck does that? You're looking at the size of her just thinking,

this is not going to take long. She drank like Babe Ruth. And she was like 102 pounds. So we go to, so now literally, Norm was right, I'm sitting at a table next to Michael Eisner, who's the head of Disney, which owns ABC. So he's the head

muckety-muck guy. And she's drunk. Who's this guy? Why is everybody kissing his ass? She had a cigarette. We're supposed to smoke. And okay,

Charlie Sheen is at the table because he's on Spin City at the time. And all these other people from, I think, the Dharma chick from Dharma and Greg. This is the late 90s. Okay. These are all their big people from, I think, the Dharma chick from Dharma and Greg. This is the late 90s.

These are all their big people from their stable, yeah. So she's drunk, and you could tell Eisner has no idea. I introduced myself to him a little bit, and he's like, he's getting more and more annoyed. And right at the moment where I thought he was just going to, like, you know, punch me in the face or something, I would tell him to leave, she goes, come here, you, and she tries to grab my balls. So she goes like this. She completely misses my

crotch and she grabs the table. She grabs the table and it just, you hear like a smack. She just grabs the wood of the table. And she has a feeling. And she screams out, where's your fucking dick? Oh my god. You just heard this and then you heard that.

And then, you know, I get rid of her. I get her up screamed out, like, you just heard this, and then you heard that. And then, you know, so I get rid of her. I get her up, and I'm like, let's go outside. And I'm like, you got to calm the fuck down. She's like, no, I'm here to have fun. Then she's one of those chicks that gets violent. Never marry a woman. Yeah, yeah, right. Exactly.

That's exactly what it was like. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, no. So I'm like, just calm the fuck down. So now I go inside. I'm talking to some people, and I lose her. And I go in the men's room.

She's in the men's room talking to Charlie Sheen. Oh, no. She's sitting on the sink talking to Charlie Sheen. And I'm like, and I wasn't dating the girl. It was kind of funny to me as a comic. I said, I can't wait to tell this story. But then at the same time, I said, I might get fired, too. So I said, let's get the fuck out of here. I said, I can't wait to tell this story. But at the same time, I said, I might get fired too. So I said,

let's get the fuck out of here. I left early and then we went to some club spa down on 13th Street and I lost her. I lost her in the club. I said, thank God.

I said, it's better off the trouble of fucking her. Yeah. Oh, please. That would have been regardless of how awesome

she must have been. If I could have, I don't know. I mean, she seemed like a, you know, I don't know. You just set her free in her native environment. That was good. That was nice of you.

I was sort of like, it was a catch and release. Yeah, catch and release. No, get away. You showed her off a little for a minute. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey, look at this. And then back in an environment she's comfortable in. Caught a thousand pounds, big mouth bass.

That is terrible, though. You get just arm candy that's amazing. Way out of your fucking league. And they're batshit crazy or drunk. This is a party that not a lot of people get invited to. It's every star from ABC. Every network. It was the ABC party.

So again, I'm like, this is where you go. Look, you go to a hot stripper. Look, you know, we both know what each other wants from each other here. Yeah, yeah. Let's not fool each other. Why don't we go here and maybe, you know, something will happen. And that's what it turned into. Oh, my God. We'll see you next time.