Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 26 - BOB SAGET

Episode Date: November 1, 2021

Artie is back after a long break and interviews his good friend and veteran comic Bob Saget.   1 show free every Monday.  A second full commercial-free show every Thursday along with 400 episodes of the Artie Quitter podcast are available on Patreon, TheComicsGym.com and YouTube Premium.   Presented by Blue Chew & Better Help. Go to BlueChew.com and get your first shipment FREE (just pay $5 shipping) when you use the promo code ARTIE”.   Thanks to Better Help online therapy.  Visit BetterHelp.com/Artie and get 10% off your first month.  

Hey, it's Artie Lange here for your house. We're back and I'm so glad we're back. It feels really, really good. In a little bit, I'll be talking with my great friend, Bob Saget. But first, let me paint the picture for you since we're audio only. I'm in studio near my home in New Jersey, and sitting in studio with me are the lovely and funny Allie Breen. Allie, what's up? Hey, Artie. How you doing?

I'm good. How are you doing? I'm doing good. You look great. Thanks. Happy to be back. Yeah. Allie definitely is the best looking person at the table. And lowering that bar significantly is the lovely and funny mike borchetti mike is here hi off the hell with you i've evolved yeah everybody my guy tommy is here too tom so nice to see everybody at the same table yeah absolutely agreed now as we record this one of the biggest stories in the news is uh alec baldwin oh no yeah who shot somebody mike what is your take on that

have you ever been on a a set with live ammo i actually shot a short film where they had a pistol i had to shoot somebody with and what was it just blanks right now he kept checking the gun and it was still empty just to make sure oh you just you kept checking the gun. I know. It is weird. My buddy, Kevin, had an older brother who had a.357 Magnum, you know, legally and everything. And he came out, we were drinking at his house one night, and he came out with his gun pointing right towards us. Whoa. And I'm like, dude, even if you know, even if he just checked it. You're never supposed to point a gun.

Even if it's not loaded, treat it like it is. Yeah. Right. I start treating you like you're loaded. I have a friend who swears it's not a coincidence because she was like, what is the what's the chances that the guy with the most notorious rage

problems in Hollywood just happened to shoot people on set? She thinks there's more to it. She's like, how did O.J. Simpson just happened to shoot someone? I was like, I don't know about that, but it's a theory. How did he shoot two people, though? Yeah, I don't get it. I guess he was aiming at the camera, went through the person behind the camera,

and into the person behind that person. Oh, no kidding. That's what I think. Yeah, but I think to people... Also, it was one round. It was one round, but I guess whatever the gun was, it was like, do you guys know anything about guns? I don't know anything about them. Very little. It's like a kind of gun that has a thick bullet that goes, like, makes a big hole.

So I guess it can go through more than one person. I know something about rifles. I love going to the gun range. When I had it for me, it was awesome. And everything about Civil War muskets. Yeah, exactly. Now, what do you know about the guns? I used to have a 12-gauge Remington pump shotgun, five-shot.

It was amazing. You did? It was fun. We used to go every week. What happened? You stopped doing that? Once you quit drinking, it was no fun? My mom didn't like the idea of having assault rifles and weapons in the house.

Yeah, that makes sense. Well, what a strict mother. Boy, she really, really lets you guys have it. She didn't like the idea. I had it locked up safe. Ammunition was another room. I never went home before. Yeah, we always hear those stories.

It's like the one, if I had any type of gun in the house, and I'll never get one because I'm a convicted felon, but not that I need one. But if you ever have, you ever hear about stories about people like somehow the kid gets in the box and I don't know you have to have that under a lot of heavy

heavy lock and key oh yeah I did because but the thing is it's always people they accuse and think they're going to climb the roof tower

but they don't it's the people you don't think like the guy it's like the minister in church you know what I mean at one fort of the year

that's a fucking psychopath because psychos are the best liars they're a fucking psychopath because psychos are the best liars. They're holding it in. And psychos are the best liars. Do you find yourself a good liar? Here's the thing, too. Why would Hollywood, that's notoriously anti-gun, even have a blank? You would think they would just use the gun and put the sound in afterwards.

That's easy enough, isn't it? I think they do that. They're going to start doing that now, I think. They should have. They should have started doing that after the Brandon Lee thing. How did that not be a thing? Yeah, that's true. Brandon Lee, the Bruce Lee's kid, right?

He died from the same exact thing. Or did he get hit with like a blank? Did something happen where he got hit with like a rubber bullet? I don't know. Oh, you're right. I think a blank was supposed to be in there, but something stopped it up. Yeah. Yeah, but with Baldwin, with him, right?

He was a producer on this, right? Yeah, he's screwed in a few ways. But the thing is, yeah, but the title producer varies. You know why? It could be a credit

they gave somebody to put money into the movie. They might have nothing else to do with it. They just appear on screen. Well, yeah. You know what I mean? He may just have his

hands on with everything. Who knows how much control he had over that? Yeah, well. What? No, no, I'm serious. No, I mean, because as a producer,

I think you can... I think your shirt's too tight, Mike. No, no, I'm serious. Think about it for a second. Executive producers could be the people who put the cash out. That's,

a lot of times they are. Yeah. Right. But then they want you to watch. They know not shit about what's going on on the set. They just hope to go

and make the money back. They just have a girlfriend that they want in the movie. But there are other producers... That happened to us with Beerly. They know everything. We what's going on in the set. They just hope to go out and make the money back. They just have a girlfriend that they want in the movie. But there are other producers. That happened to us with Beerly. They know everything. We had to put a guy's wife in the movie. Yeah, that was.

Like in a real part or just as an extra? No, just a quick, quick thing. She blows the guy who owns the gym in it. Wait, did you guys, or were you like, oh, we have to put your wife in. She's going to be blowing a guy in it. Wait, did you guys, were you like, oh, we have to put your wife in, she's going to be blowing a guy in joy? No, it was after, there was, it's amazing how people

just love the fact that say they were in a movie. They, he wouldn't have cared what she was doing. Yeah. After you put my mom on TV, she's been a mess to live with.

Your mother is great on camera. She's been bothering me about it again. She goes like this, tell Artie, if Artie hasn't, can you please be, I'm like, oh no, no, no. Is she saying that to you? She does, she has been for years. I'd have her on any time. She goes, tell Artie, if Artie hasn't been again, can you please be, I'm like, oh no, no, no. Is she saying that to you? She does.

She has been for years. I'd have her on any time. She's very charismatic. She said that she goes, he's a good friend of yours. She goes, why don't you, you know what I mean, have me come on again and I could bless him. I'm like, bless you. Super religious. Oh yeah, that's good. My mom too with the rosary beads and

everything. A million rosaries. There's nothing wrong with it. I believe in it myself. nothing wrong with it at all are you would you call yourself a believer in totally god's number one you right okay a good statement about him is god number one or is jesus christ number one that they run a neck and neck no but the thing is his neck an enormous neck i think i made up right god is like i'm sorry hold on what do you call it you made this up and god is good sorry, hold on, what do you call it? You made this up and you're trying to, God is dead all the time? No,

no, what do you call it? Hold on, I'm so sorry. This is something you made up? Yeah. Like a religious chant? God is,

what do you call it? God controls everything. We're just loyal, his loyal employees. Right, so, that's it. That's the quote?

Something like that. I forgot what it was, right? It's right up there with, you know, give me liberty or give me death. I love that song. God is watching us. God is watching us from a distance. You thought of it in a past life. Well, yeah, listen, that's true. Once again, I think your shirt's a little too tight. No, but the thing is, right, you've got to believe. If you don't believe,

what's the sense of living? You've got to believe something's going to happen. What about as far as the Big Bang Theory or the beginning of Earth? How did that all happen? There's a lot of things we can't explain,

but when they said God created the universe, it doesn't just mean Earth. It doesn't. No. So you just believe God created it, but you don't know how.

I mean, like, people just say, there's definitely things out there. So you're saying, like, you believe in Mars and Martians and... Not Mars, but I mean, further than that out. Who knows how far it goes? It's probably unending. Well, didn't we just send something out to take pictures of life on Mars? Yeah, but that's as far as that goes. Who knows how far it ends?

It's probably unending because... You know who would be good to answer this? Neil deGrasse Tyson. Scientist, yeah. Neil deGrasse Tyson. He's awesome. He's a smart guy. I watched a thing by him on Masterclass.

He's fucking awesome. Yeah, no, that guy knows his shit. There are UFOs now, right? That's been in the news. I haven't watched any of it, but that's been in the news all year that there's legit UFOs. Yeah. He thought I had a brain. It's getting no press.

What'd you say? I talked to him. He thought I had a high level of intellect. He said he thought you had intellect. Did he make the yell comment? Yeah. Is he the one? You're like,

what is that comment again? You're like, what? With a what? Oh, someone said I sound like, my friend Chris said it, did I not?

This is a good friend. My friend Chris O'Brien, he's a teacher actually. Oh, yeah. He said to me, he goes, what with a what oh someone said i sound like my friend chris said it did i know right i was like this is a good friend my friend chris o'brien he's a teacher actually oh yeah he said to me he goes you sound like you were a 1930s brooklyn dock worker but you grounded but the yeah brain of a professor from yale like what did you say that you think got him to think about the professor like what quote or just anything about you i think it was the god quote yeah is that the oh that's the quote god is the boss we're just as low employees so he thought that was indicative of a yale education god is the boss we're just employees and now ladies and gentlemen mike bochetti yeah the thing is but like certain yeah but you could be brilliant in one area and

an idiot in everything else. So what's your one area? Oh, I wanted to tell you something. I love the mask. Oh, it's fucking Jesse James. Watch this. Give me another slap to get you dead. Hey, we're going to take a quick break to acknowledge our sponsors,

and we'll be back with the great Bob Saget. This episode of Artie Lang's Halfway House is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Doing this show, is that like therapy for you? It is. It's very therapeutic to do this. Sometimes I feel like the audience is my shrink, and I'm talking to them. And sometimes it takes a while through email and stuff, but they get back to you about it. And they're always honest.

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betterhelp.com slash arty. That's betterhelp, B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P dot com slash Artie, A-R-T-I-E. BetterHelp for your mind. This episode of Artie Lang's Halfway House is sponsored by Blue Chew. Get more confidence in the bedroom. Blue Chew tablets offer the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in a chewable form. If you don't like swallowing pills, this is for you. Works fast. Take it day or night.

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When you use the special promo code ARTIE, just pay $5 shipping. Again, that's bluechew, B-L-U-E, chew.com, promo code ARTIE. Try it for free. Visit bluechew.com for more details and important safety information, and we thank Blue Chew for sponsoring the podcast. How are people going to be able to hear this now since it's not video? Well, we'll have audio. Oh.

Yeah, right. They can hear us on audio. Not video. Okay. We're actually doing two episodes a week now. Tommy can explain it better. Right. One episode like this one will be totally free and will come out every Monday.

People can find it on YouTube, iTunes, Stitcher, and places like that. And we can give it away free because of our sponsors, who I'm sure you'll mention later. The second episode will come out every Wednesday. There will be no advertisements at all. It's totally listener-supported. People, as you know, ask all the time, how can I support Artie? How can I support Artie? Well, this is how. Find Artie on Patreon or thecomicsgym.com or click the blue join button on YouTube next to the subscriber button.

If you support on YouTube, you'll get all the brand new weekly exclusive episodes, and you'll also get access to nearly 400 episodes of the arty quitter podcast which is hilarious if you go to patreon though or thecomicsgym.com there are three levels of support the first one is just like youtube with the exclusive episodes and the 400 arty quitter podcasts the second level of support is a few bucks more and you get all the exclusive episodes and arty quitter shows but you also get an Artie Lang Faya t-shirt and access to the Artie Lang voicemail line, which I'll mention in a minute. Then there's a third level for people who want to literally be in the room. And it's not cheap,

but this is as exclusive access as you could possibly get. They get all the stuff I mentioned, but they'll also get two tickets every month to an exclusive in-person podcast recording of Artie Lang's Halfway House, recorded at a private location in the New York, New Jersey area. Anyway, I mentioned the Artie Lang voicemail line, so we set this up for supporters on Patreon and thecomicsgym.com. Once you subscribe, we send you the number, and you can leave a message for Artie once a week, and we'll play all of them for him. Then he'll pick one or two of them and play them on the show for him to answer. Since this week is the first one and we hadn't announced it yet, we set one up. Marvin, play today's voicemail for Artie, please. Hey Art, what's happening, man? It's Jimmy Palumbo. You know, I wanted to ask you, what was it like when you first got that call about MADtv? Number one, that you got the audition, but number two, when you booked it, what was your immediate reaction when you realized, when they told you you booked MADtv?

And where were you when you made that phone call? I'll talk to you later. Well, excellent question, Jimmy. Well, excellent question, Jimmy. I was actually at home when I found out I got the audition for it originally. And then I went into New York and went on another couple of auditions. And then I had to go to Houston to do a gig. And I was in Houston at the hotel. And my manager called me up and said, listen, you got the screen test for this show. They you to go from houston right to la and i i had to do like a load of laundry in houston which was a you know a chore in and of itself and um got out to la and did the screen test and then i went back to the hotel and that's where i found out i got it and not a lot of people want to know this, but it was a great, like Mike, what was your greatest accomplishment audition-wise?

When I auditioned for The Family, the movie Jimmy Palumbo was in. It was awesome. Yeah, you have no lines in that. No, but the weird thing is, when I auditioned that day, right, people who worked with me sent me the wrong script. So it's you just looking blank in a different script?

No, the casting director gave me the right one. Went in there, fumbling over words and everything. I'm like, oh, no. Oh, that's right, because you end up with no words. Horrific. I was actually in callbacks with Jimmy, the FBI agent. Oh, yeah. And another mafia character was coming to kill De Niro.

Right. So, Luc Besson. Is that his name right? Is that right? Luc Besson. Yeah, the director. I don't speak French well, but I think he's Besson. Luc Besson.

Well, he liked me a lot. He goes, I'm going to find you something in this thing. But it was weird because working with De Niro was fucking mind-blowing. Just for four hours. Like, what did you do? He was there. I don't like talking to celebrities unless I feel very disenfranchised with them in a way. Because even when I first met you, right, I was like, I don't know.

Because a lot of people bought a people and have stuff, you know what I mean? Well, you're good at talking to yourself. No, I mean, I don't like to annoy. You know what I mean? I don't know what kind of guy he was going to be. You know what I mean? And it's not my job. Like, when we were on your TV show, right? It's not my job to go up to celebs and freaking, and work them and try to get, you know, things out of them, you know what I mean?

Right, well, thank you for, thank you for refraining from that. No, I never did, because you don't bother these people. You gotta work with them. That's like being in the movie and taking pictures all day with people. You don't do that. Well, that was like the time Michael Imperioli came to see me do stand-up in New York and you were there. I don't want to bother him. Yeah, but you asked me,

you said, do you think it was a good idea not to yell out, hey, where's Spider? I was going to yell out, hey, Spider, dance me that drink. What the fuck is wrong with you?

I mean, honestly, he was going to do that. And I'm sure that's what Michael Imperioli loves hearing. No, but I would never say I didn't even bother him because I was like, I don't know

him. I don't know what kind of guy he is. Maybe he's a good guy who had a bad day that day. Yeah. Wait, so did you interact with De Niro when you were on set with him at all? It was crazy because I kept my mouth shut, didn't bother him. I had a friend of mine who knew him from working with him in the Bronx Tale. So I mentioned my friend. Well, here's what happened. De Niro started laughing on the set. I had a friend of mine who knew him from working with him in The Bronx Tale.

Here's what happened. De Niro started laughing on the set. I don't know if he was laughing at me. He's just laughing for laughing, right? He's just laughing as to laugh. And he said, the director better not catch it. So I talked to him for a few minutes. I thanked him for being in this film. He was very much of a gentleman. But like I said, I didn't

bother him because it's not my job to harass him well Jimmy I hope that thoroughly answers your question thanks for calling and Jimmy was great because he nailed that

he did that role was Jimmy you're telling me he did a good job the cool thing about it was I cried when Jimmy was killed in the movie was that good

he gets killed in the movie yeah I gotta catch up on that film it was fucking it was heartwarming. It was fucking awesome. Heartwarming?

It was, him getting killed was heartwarming? I mean, I was just happy that he died. I mean, I felt bad that he died. Yeah. You're like,

oh, that's so heartwarming. Look at him, look at him gurgling blood. I mean, I felt bad that he died. I cried because he died in Goodfellas almost. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Well, you're the kind of guy who roots for the bad guys in movies. Well, no. Jimmy wasn't a bad guy. He was a hero, actually. Who got killed in a heartwarming scene. Jimmy's going to fucking nail me now. I didn't mean to be happy he die. No, no, no. No one thinks you were.

Yeah, yeah. You're the ultimate shit star out of you. You're the fucking ultimate shit star because your face is the devil I can see when you say it like that. I know you so many years now, you're fucking mischievous.

Yeah, absolutely. You've been laughing until you pounded my head into my helmet. Oh, come on. He's not going to do that. He's happy to get the mention. Yep. All right. Well, there you go, Jim.

Please continue to listen. Salud. The one and only stand-up comedian, Mr. Bob Saget. Mr. Bob Saget. Let me tell you something. If someone asked me who's the sweetest celebrity you ever met, the nicest celebrity I ever met, and just as a person, I would go with Bob Saget. Saget has always been a good friend to me.

And quite frankly, he didn't have to be. Yes, I did. I love you right away. Yeah, no. We were all made of the same shit. Yeah, you're right. Absolutely. And the thing that most people who listen to the show are probably fans of Dirty Work,

Bob directed Dirty Work. And I met him and Norm on the same night, which was basically like the screen test for the movie. on the same night, which was basically like the screen test for the movie. And again, Saga was always,

my favorite Bob Saga is when he would apologize for Norm's obnoxious behavior. We were at a rehearsal and we're doing, we're walking through a scene and in the Four Seasons Hotel in Toronto. I'll never forget this.

And I had a line to do. I forget the line, but it had to be done in a specific way, the reading. And Norm goes, listen, man, right now you're doing that bad. I want you to do it good. Now, right now you see you're doing it bad and I want to do it good.

And Sagan immediately goes, no, he's right. He doesn't mean that. You know, he's being just playful. I was like, no, I get it. Tell me if it's bad. And he just, one of those things where he wouldn't stop repeating, no, he's doing it bad. I want him to do it good.

And so, Bob, how you doing, man? I'm all right. I'm all right. I'm kind of, you know, I'm out on tour. I want to do a new special because I think I've, I don't know, Norm's passing. But before that, I was inspired to do it. I wrote all this new stuff. It just started coming to me.

Yeah. Because we've all been locked up and everything. And then I get to go out there, whatever the hell the situation is, whether it's a place where everybody's got a, you know, a vaccine certificate or it's a super spreader. Right. Yeah. And it's a rough time, man. It's just a weird time. Oh, it sucks.

You know, and I was telling you before we got on, you know, real quick about Norm. I still, the first guy I got on, real quick about Norm. The first guy I thought about when I heard about Norm was Saget. Thanks, Artie. I've been thinking about you a lot. You know, over the years, when I text you, text you, don't hear from me, and then I find out it was a burner phone, so I feel better. I get calm when it's a burner phone. my number changed quite a bit and a lot it has to yeah it has to that's how you stay uh fluid and also don't

go to jail but um but the thing is i thought about you because i you know i heard you talking after after mad tv your norm did a lot for your career period. I mean, dirty work and the norm show and just his friendship, you know? Yeah. I mean, he brought me into Howard, you know? Yeah. And, uh, yeah. That ended well. As all things do with me, it ended very well. No, they, they, that's my goal is that all things end well with you,

that you're around for another 50 because you can do this. You can lift 115. You've got enough drugs in you to preserve you. I mean, you're pickled. You don't even need any more drugs. You're right. I've pickled drugs, which is odd. You would think that a booze.

Missing Norm sucks ass. It's just, yeah, I can't believe he's gone either. I talk about him in present day. Well, you wrote a sequel for Dirty Work. I did. And we had the money. Yeah, we were going. That's unbelievable to me.

Yeah. And Norm, I didn't think he was going to die. And I didn't think he was going to die. And I didn't know. I was going to say, did you know? I mean, you know, writing, writing, writing a sequel that stars a guy who's got leukemia is not a smart move. Well, nobody knew and he wanted it that way. And I think it was also him being a gambler at heart, you know, with life. He thought he could get through it. And by the way, he was told he was going to. So I think it's those last few weeks.

I think he was really thinking he was going to beat it. And we were set to go. And so you were going to be getting the phone call. Yeah. And I told you that when I was in New York. And it's a really good script. And he and Lojo, Laurie Jo Hoekstra, who I love. Yeah, Lojo, the great LJ.

She's just great. And I feel for her. I feel for his family. You know who we feel for. No, I know. It's harsh, man, to think about it. But, you know, when did you find out about it? You find out when he died that he was sick or you knew he was sick before that? norm like there wasn't a year that went by that i didn't see him a few times you know it's like saget what are you doing let's go uh let's go uh to come to my place we'll eat at the sushi place

near my place go there and oh thanks for getting this you know yeah saget's a good guy to know because he's rich and polite. He can pick up the tab. I like, I like, I like taking people out that I love, you know, I don't do things out of necessity or to be nice. I'm not, I used to be the guy, I guess when we did dirty work, I was more of the guy that wanted to be liked. And that ain't the club you do it with, you know, you don't have, you know, Frank Sebastiano and Fred Wolf. It ain't the club you do it with. You know, you don't have, you know, Frank Sebastiano and Fred Wolf.

It ain't social. It's making the best movie you can make. Right. That movie was, you know, people that love it have to know that writing good comedy is hell. You know, it's really hard work. And that's why I think the movie resonated. Right now, I'm trying. We'll see what happens.

I'm trying to make the R-rated cut for Norm, you know. Right. To do that, because seven minutes are missing. Oh, no kidding. Yeah. Remember you guys had, oh, I can't give it away if it comes out. It involves donuts. The donut scene.

Yeah, exactly. And there's more than that. But, you know, the prison scene's a little bit different. Yeah, yeah. And there's more than that. But, you know, the prison scene's a little bit different. Yeah. Yeah. And I can say what it is. The prison scene, Norm gets fucked in the ass. As you do in prison.

Listen, I've been there. No one always gets fucked in the ass, believe me. I'd be a hard date to deal with if that happened. Well, for you, it's like looking for Waldo once you get in there. But, yeah, anyway, you know, Norm says after he gets fucked in the ass, you know what hurts the most is the lack of respect. That's what hurts the most. The other thing hurts the most, the anal rape. that's what hurts the most but the other thing hurts the most the anal rape right and that we got cut out but we used a wide shot and amazing that it worked that

and and the other thing right and i had norm lupit and he went god did i looks like i said that so you said anal rape norm um and so hopefully we'll put anal rape back in where it belongs in Dirty Work. Anal rape belongs no further than your friendly podcast and your friendly movie makers. So what are you doing? Are you going to go on tour again? Yeah, I'm leaving right after we're done talking. I'm out of here. I'm just going to clubs on tour again? Yeah, I'm leaving right after we're done talking. I'm out of here. I'm going to I'm just going to clubs and theaters. I booked a bunch of theaters that kept getting

rescheduled. You know how it goes. Yeah. This whole crazy three years, two years. Absolutely. But clubs can take you fast. And I I don't like playing in L.A. at the comedy store. I mean, I don't I like going up sometimes, but I can't really work material out. Oh, well, you'll work out 30 minutes or 20 minutes and you'll get three things that you can hone. I don't want to bump people, so I got to get on the schedule. Yeah, yeah. I ain't that guy.

I can see that being a fan, yes, absolutely. But when I was in New York, I wanted you, I tried twice to go up at the Cellar, and that was literally kind of like my synagogue church of I got to talk about Norm. Right. That's what that was. That's why you were almost coming out. I couldn't make it to see you. So you use that. Let me ask you a bit about that. You use that time to discuss your feelings about Norm. Yeah, I did some.

And how did that go? Well, it went well because I was having a conversation with him and I would do my bad impression of him. But it didn't matter. It's not an impression. It's just like I would say something about him. it's like four days after I, after he passed, I had to go to Portland in a club and he, in helium club that he loved. Yeah. Club that I don't know how much he loved it, but he, he enjoyed working there. Yeah. I love it. I love this club. Yeah.

He revered it. He re yeah. It's okay. But I mean, there's no, there's no, I don't know where the racetrack is. I don't know where I'm staying. But he, I even took a video and put it on Tik TOK of all the names that were signed on like a piece of metal backstage. And his name was the one I settled on. But I got on stage the first time I could barely talk. And I said, I want to address the elephant in the room.

And I went, no, not you, sir. That's a normal Rickles type thing. But but I just want to say I'd like to get a round of applause for my friend. I don't know how I can do this without saying I can't do comedy without mentioning this first because it's in my head and then norm mcdonald and that audience on a friday night in portland um everybody stood up and gave him a five minute standing ovation get out of here that's amazing that's great i kind of let the mic hit the ground for a little bit i didn't throw it down i wasn't trying to you know drop the mic i got applause it was norm's applause so five minutes they stop and then i say into the mic in norm's voice that's great sag you gotta you're only five minutes standing ovation and

all because i'm dead yeah man you should have called me i would have died a lot sooner to help you out i could have died i'm sick. You can't die. I'm sick of this. You can't die. Enough of this. You got too much. You got so many people that love you already. And you know, it all comes from loving yourself.

I loved myself this morning because my wife left town. I wish I had a drummer behind me all the time. Yeah. Just to do. You're definitely a guy who needs that. Oh, thanks. Thanks. I'm that creative. No, you can afford a guy. You have a Just to do rim shots. You're definitely a guy who needs that. Well, thanks. Thanks. I'm that creative.

No, you can afford a guy. Have a guy just do rim shots every five seconds. I can afford it. I can afford it. So I should have a guy at 6.30 in the morning in my house. You could own a person. You should just buy a person.

Those days are over. You pay them a salary. Oh, really buy a person. Those days are over. You pay them a salary. Oh, really? I'm sorry. No, but it's called having an assistant. And you pay them a good salary. And then some people treat those like shit, which is wrong. And if that happens, you could pull the David Spade move where your assistant attacks you in your own home.

It's always good. People talk about it. Oh, God. There's so many fucked up people. You seem actually to be doing always good. People talk about it. Oh, God. There's so many fucked up people. You seem actually to be doing pretty good. Well, listen, I'm doing a podcast, which I love. I got my guy Tommy here, who's a major, major influence on me now, and he's a good guy. Good. And I feel like with you, Bob, I feel like it isn't bullshit with you.

You got my back, and I always appreciated that. I love you. I always love you. I always reach out a lot. You know that. Oh, no, absolutely. And you stay silent, and I get it. So I have to give you your space, and then I actually, my version of prayer,

whatever that would be, Norm actually turned into a severe prayer. I mean, Norm. Yeah, I know. I saw something on like the 700 Club or something. No, not on there, did you? No. What's the big religious channel? The Christian television?

Yeah, something like that. So there was a guy who sent me a copy of the guy talking about Norm, a guy who has a big Christian podcast or radio show, whatever the hell it is. And he goes, the reason Norm MacDonald was so joyous in his last few years was because of his faith. Well, yeah, I wouldn't call him joyous in his last few years. The reason he was clicking his heels every day he said do you use the word joyous though the guy that is fine right like what's joyous like

well i've got leukemia yay let's go get a drink yeah let's get a drink let's drink you know what's great about uh being on christian broadcasting they can't cancel you because you always come back. Nice. That's a resurrection joke. Well, that's a joke that needs that guy you were going to buy. He's not here, but I got this. That sounds like something. Now, what do you got on the back?

Are there various awards for stuff? Well, this is me and Larry Fine fine of the three stooges when i was 14 this is rodney dangerfield that's from the ucla brain center where he was that's the ted lasso believe sign over there you can't see it good but that's rodney dangerfield and red fox smoking a joint oh that's great and that's an original photo by paul mobley who i happen to know let me see if i can get it without glare nah you can't get it good the sun's coming in no one can see what we're doing anyway but there's the roast up there all the way up there is the roast that you couldn't be at yeah i know you needed to be at but you couldn't be at the rose because you weren't you had a rough night

the night before i well i i I was in full withdrawal from heroin. And I said to myself, like, you know, this is Bob's night. I got to get out of here for a roast. And it's funny the way stuff happens. Like Norm said to me, what I ended up saying to the producer was, Artie's dead. They're afraid to tell us Artie's dead. And that's what I was freaking out about on a Sunday morning, the day of the shoot. Yeah. And that really got to me, man, because to think that your good friends could think the reason you couldn't be somewhere. It was because you're dead. And that got to me.

But, you know, I appreciate all the good hard feelings that you sent my way, brother. I really do. Well, you're literally loved. I have to tell you a story you don't know. Go ahead. So the producer was like, we could fly him on a private jet with a nurse. Yeah. And I'm like, we could fly him on a private jet with a nurse. Yeah. And I'm like, no, no, no, you're not flying.

We're going to replace him. So all the jokes were written because this roast was brutal. And all the jokes, they said terrible things about me. They were all like pedophilic Olsen jokes. I said, please don't use them. And, and,

and someone said to me, if we don't use them, we're going to talk about your own kids. I said, where is this? They weren't getting pretty ugly for a while. Is this the Manchurian candidate? What the fuck are you doing?

And I didn't do any of those jokes, but Gilbert did. And then Gen Z picked it up and thinks that I did those things because they believe the roast is the news. Yeah, exactly. Right. But you you're not there. All of these jokes are written about a guy that's a large person. They're written about a man with some girth.

Right. So I'm on a phone call with the producer, Joel Gallen, who's a sweetheart, actually. Yeah, Joel was always good to me with a roast. He's a sweetheart. And Jeff Ross. Right. So Jeff Ross goes, oh, my God, this thing with Artie,

it's so upsetting. What am I going to do? I've got eight minutes of fat jokes. I said, Jeff, did you hear what you said i mean arty could die you hear what you said yeah it is terrible who are we gonna get and we're gonna get yeah and then it's i talked that might die in an emergency conference call okay ste, Steve Sharippa. Is he funny enough? Let's see. Ralphie May. May he rest in peace. Yeah, that's another one. And Jeff Garland. I said, well, Jeff's kind of a friend.

Let's go with Jeff Garland. So Jeff, all of a sudden, doesn't really fit that part, but all these fat jokes are loaded at Jeff Garland. Right. He's just walking into a buzzsaw. He did not know. He sat there going like, maybe it'd be better to OD. Maybe Artie chose the right path. Yeah, because I didn't really look my best either in those days. I looked like a heroin addict who just had a cheesesteak. And it would have been brutal. It would have been brutal. Cause you remember when you do these, these roasts,

like you're also a target. And I looked at myself and I said, I'm too good of a target here. And I was throwing up at the time, but yeah, I, you were not in a good way. I was,

then I was getting a play by play on what was going on with you. And then I was legitimately concerned. I know I called you and I'm, and you might even remember the call. Cause I know you were coming out of stuff you were you were you were not i don't know if you're gonna do more stuff or or you were you you remember yeah i do remember the phone call absolutely okay okay because i think i you know can you do this and um i think i was leaving messages. I don't think we talked, talked. I don't think.

Well, you just wanted to assure me that everything was all right. You know, Yeah, that we're going to destroy another person's life on the air. But all I care about is your wellbeing. And so do your fans. I mean, you, when I say fans, you know, it's not like when I was a kid and you were a kid, we would hear like Liza Minnelli go, oh, I love my fans or Mariah Carey, my fans. I'd make fun of it. And I've heard other people say this, too. But then when you really have them, when they really, really get you, your people, for the most part, get you.

Yeah, they do. Absolutely. Yeah. And mine do, too. Mine aren't like, oh, like oh why are you being dirty your dad from full house you know i'm not getting that they're getting i love when you did that i get that you're doing this and what is your weird mind come up with now and i get to do that but you are the same thing you were like you could get on stage and tell stories and you just tell your truth. And it, I think it's helped you a lot. I think it's gotten you through some really, really bad times. Oh God. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely. The connection with the fans is, I think when

you're a comic, the one thing you want to have happen is eventually you make a connection with the crowd, uh, to where, you know, they, they know you you as a friend as soon as you walk up on stage. And that helps, of course. It's amazing how that unbelievably helps your stand-up comedy when they go because they know you. Yeah. And it just makes it an easier room to deal with. Bob, when you started out, you don't as a dirty comic, much more than that. But were you actively doing this dirty act while you were hosting?

No. I hosted the comedy store for eight years. Mitzi didn't want me to be dirty. So she would say, oh, you're too dirty tonight. But I couldn't help it. You know, I was doing music parodies, the lowest form of comedy. And I was writing original songs but i did a lot of stand-up and some of it was really good you know some of it was it holds up today and some

of it turned kind of you know really sick you know i i had a joke um i have the brain of a german shepherd and a body of a 16 year old boy and they're both in my car and I want you to see them. Or I had another joke. I went, my mom never let me go. Listen to this. You cannot do this now. I was, I was 17 when I wrote this. My mom,

my mom wouldn't let me go to camp when I was a kid because she thought I'd get embarrassed and dressing in front of little boys, but I've changed a lot because I kind of like it now. And then I'd go, that's not true. I like it a lot. And then I'd go, that's not true. I'm not a Senator. So I got, I got political. And that's, see, that's a joke. It'd be great to hear the rim shot after that one, because it's real, it's real offensive.

It's rigged in three parts. And that is, I was always warped. And that came from my dad. You met my dad. Yeah. Now, again, I met your parents at,

at, at the Dirty Work shoot and love, loving people. They really were. Very much so. How much were they so, like, I remember like your dad talking to me,

like he knew me, like he was extraordinarily, I guess I could say this about the whole sagat film just extraordinarily nice people well it's true my parents my parents lost four kids so yeah i know there's a right there's a lot of sisters two were born before i was born and didn't live and then then my other sisters were scleroderma, and the other was schizophrenic and mental health. I don't know if we ever talked about it. No.

Yeah, it was rough. And so people ask you how you make a comedian. You just look at your life and look at my life. But Bob looks like an accountant or a dentist. How could he have problems? I don't know. Everybody died. What do you mean? I'd love to see you tell these jokes or a dentist. How could he have problems? I don't know. Everybody died. I love to see you

tell these jokes as a dentist. I would have died from the nitrous. Just on the gas the whole time. The whole time. Just whippets all the way. Whippets. Did you ever do whippets? Oh, God, yeah.

I can't ask you. You've done every drug, right? I never smoked angel dust, which, wow, that's saying a lot. You're like, good, all right. Let me get you a medal for that. Very obscure. There's a specific, well, angel dust is another level, even like with heroin.

Heroin addicts stand in awe of angel dust heads, dust heads they call them, because that is really the freakiest of all drugs. You smoke it and you become invincible. You think you are. And there's documented proof that like cops try to shoot a guy in angel dust and the guy just keeps coming after like four or five shots in his in his chest and he just keeps on coming uh around so i've never done angel dust no right but that's about it i think oh god man but whip it you're talking like you know 13 years

old yeah i was i was a kid well i was living in LA and we'd feel like hoppity hop balloons with all of the, you know, the ones from the whipped cream dispenser. Right. Yeah. And that causes brain damage because it feels, when you do it, it feels like you're getting brain damage. So, and a lot of this shit, if you have mental problems, you're fucked. Oh, no.

It truly is a gateway. Right. It's weird. Well, they call angel dust, being high on dust, they call a specific thing, they call it zooted. That means if there's one term that completely captures kind of what it's like to be on angel dust, I guess it's zooted because that's what they call themselves. Wow.

But where are you from, Bob, exactly? I was born in Philly. And then my dad was with Food Fair Pantry Pride Supermarkets. He was a meat executive. Wow. Started as a butcher. I always used to say he killed 700 people, you know, but we ended up in Norfolk, Virginia from the time I was like, I don't know, four or seven. I don't know. My parents give me different stories. And that's when you that's where you went to high school. Yeah, but I've started my first semester of ninth grade there. And then I moved to L.A. because my dad was transferred.

So I went second year of ninth grade oh okay i can have a ninth grade in la in the valley and stay there till 11th grade then move to philadelphia for 12th grade i've moved a lot so in besides everybody dying i moved a lot and had no friends yeah well you know uh what what um well you know again i'm trying to think think of what I'm trying to say here. When you tried to become a stand-up comic, how much of that was stuff that you thought about doing in high school? When did you want to be a comedian? I didn't want, I didn't know I was going to be. I just watched comedians.

I saw Rickles. I snuck in when I was 17 into the Latin casino in Jersey. I saw him open for Sinatra, and then I saw him headline on his own. And then I saw Martin Mull at the main point in Philly, and he was doing musical comedy. I'm making a documentary about him right now. It's taken years because of the freaking COVID. About who? Martin Mull. Oh, really? Yeah, that's great. About who? Martin Mull. Oh, really?

Yeah, that's great. Martin Mull is actually an underrated comedian. Yeah, and a great artist. And it's got Fred Willard. We got him before he passed in the film. And Steve Martin's in it, and Eric Idle, and Norman Lear, and David Alan Greer. It's really good. I'm really proud of it.

What's that called? Tom Waits. It's going to be called Mull tom waits uh what a guy well i did it i did it it's my tom wait story i did a uh a movie called mystery men where uh yeah i wanted to direct that but wasn't that ben stiller made that ben stiller is in it, but he wasn't the director. Who directed it? A guy by the name of Kinka Usher, who did the Taco Bell commercials for, I don't know, with the Chihuahua in it. Again, I don't know how that qualifies you to do a major. I wanted to direct it, but I had questions for the producers because I didn't understand it.

I wanted to direct it, but I had questions for the producers because I didn't understand it. Well, I, yeah, it's about like all these lame superheroes. And it just missed the mark. It did. But I'm in the first like three minutes of it. I actually open, I open up the movie. And Tom Waits is in it. Waits is in it. So me and Tom Waits both have the same driver to take us back, the same Teamster guy to take us back to our hotel.

And I always wanted to ask Tom Waits. Tom Waits wrote the song Jersey Girl, which I was a big fan of. I don't know how you can't be. It's an anthem. Because Springsteen did it. And, uh, I kept saying to myself, God, I want to ask him about, about, uh, you know, Jersey girl. And I put all this like unbelievably romantic stuff in my head. Like, Oh, I met a young girl, uh, on the beach in Seaside Heights, New Jersey under a bridge. And we made out and I have all these romantic notions of what it should be.

So finally the, I tell a, I tell a van driver, I want to talk to him about it because I want to know what Jersey girl is about. He goes, just ask him. So as he's leaving, I say, uh, Hey Tom, just, I'm sorry to bug you, but, uh, I'll probably never see you again. What, uh, what's, uh, What's going on with the Jersey girl? How did you come about writing that? And what happened? What's that song about? And he goes, like real throwaway, he goes, and my wife's from Morristown. And then he just walked out. That's just the truth.

Yeah. His wife is from Morristown. And as the door closed, the driver said to me, did that go the way you thought it would go? Yeah, you expect it. I was late at night. I was in Baltimore. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Something like that. But no.

Now my wife's from fucking Morristown. What exit? Exactly. So you're going to do a bunch of stand-up now yeah i'm on tour for a while i'm gonna shoot a special i gotta figure out when uh i just moved my podcast over to all things comedy bill burr's company with al madrigal so i'm gonna do that i've done like 100 and i don't know 18 episodes with studio 71 and then you move sometimes. So I'm moving over and I want to have you on. So sure. Let's figure it out. Cause I want to talk to you. Cause we could, you and I,

we could talk for like hours. Yeah, absolutely. And I wanted to talk more this morning, but I got to get a plane. I've got to go get a plane. I know. Well, listen. I don't want to, though. I want to. I could continue it another day.

I definitely next week I could do it again if you want to have me for longer. Well, Jesus, let us think about it. You got Jesus. If you have Jesus, you don't need me. He's really good, but he is pissed off. And my friend Jesus. Hey, yeah. You know, I couldn't help but think with Norm passing,

that amazing piece of material he did about going to his dad's wake. Do you remember that thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And he said he's standing there looking at his dad in the coffin and you know it was a complicated relationship him and his dad and he is standing there and a guy comes over to give him a sandwich the guy says hey hey would you like a sandwich i don't know i'm just uh i'm looking at looking at this dead guy here i don't know if i you don don't think I'm going to eat his sandwich. I mean, he really acted out what I think he went through.

I think he was looking at, or imagined, but I think he went through it. I have a feeling that he's looking at his dad in the coffin. And then he had offered a sandwich at that point. It's so weird. Would you like some cocktail wieners? It is. I mean, I've been to a lot of wakes and I can't ever remember people offering me food while I was observing the body. That was probably trying to help him because it was his dad.

They thought he was going to be lightheaded. But at the Shiva, the Jewish version, you put the person in the grave and you go right to eating deli. Yeah, no, the Jews have that over us big time. You guys do the whole wake thing the right way. You don't have to look at the body. Well, there's no body and you just eat the worst heart clotting food that exists. Right. At my dad's funeral at the Shiva at the house,

Ann Mara and Jerry Stiller came over because i had directed ann in a tv movie and i become friendly with her they came over to my house i was dating someone who was younger than me which how could that happen yeah right wow oh wow and she was very nice by the way and i'm sitting there and my ex-wife's there and ann mirror is drinking too much she stopped in the later years of her life but at this point she had a bunch of wine and jerry comes over and i i gave him a tour of the house and i i just loved how do you not love both of them yeah no still around here absolutely unbelievable and she comes over and i had a relationship with her from doing director in this tv movie and she sees my girlfriend at the time and starts yelling at me

she's too young for you what are you doing i said and then jerry goes uh and it's it's i mean it was like that's ed sullivan. His father's Shiva. He's too young, Jerry. He shouldn't be dating someone so young. It's his father's Shiva. Let him date whoever he wants to. Right. His dad just died.

And then actually, he actually said, let me make you a sandwich. It goes, it does end with a sandwich. How old was the girl in question? She was, I was 44 and she was 44 and she was 26 or 27. So like not a lot of her other dates have their father's shiva. Well, no, but we were, she was my girlfriend, so it wasn't a date. Hey, I'm going to take you on a date.

You're going to love this. Well, you know, it could be a date. We don't have to eat afterward because there are going to be sandwiches there. And we're going to talk about my dead dad. Yeah, I'm saying like, she probably didn't have a lot of peers of hers who had their dead father. No, it would have to have been a tragic shooting in order for the young father to die.

How's your mother and your sister doing? They're doing great. They ask about you all the time. They really do. Will you please send them my love? Yes, absolutely. As I always do. And next time I'm in New York, if I call you to do the cellar Please Let's do it

Please Let's just see each other I really did miss Miss seeing your brother And Well there's a future And that's all I care about Yep

That's what you gotta That's what you gotta latch on to The future Yeah Whatever that brings Well you seem great Artie I mean You do to me.

You're a lot better than you were that night when Norm and I decided you were the guy. We told you you were in dirty work. And then you had a little guy getting you shots of tequila and getting you Coke. And then Norm and I are standing there. It was literally a scene from a movie. And he's going, I don't know. I think that little guy is giving him Coke. I said, well, I don't know if he can feel the coke because he's had like nine shots of tequila and i said we gotta go to toronto with this guy and that's when i called you the next day and said

look you can't bring any shit over the border you'll shut us down arty yeah i i i and i agreed to that and you did until you were taking uh uh on hogs on motorcycles with dan akroyd john goodman uh and farley and everybody went to the brass rail strip club and i couldn't go because i had to do the homework of a director that night right well good for you farley had stri do the homework of a director that night. Right. Well, good for you. Farley had strippers hanging off of his arms. Yes. They were like. I live in a van down by the river.

Oh, God. I'm sad he's gone. Yeah. That was another. Dirty Work is becoming like one of those cursed movies, I think. Well, what are you going to do? Like Poltergeist, everyone's dead. You got, I'm saying it, for Dirty Work 2, you don't have Jack Ward and you don't have Chris Farley.

You don't have Norm MacDonald. Well, I got you. You better stay alive. You're going to have a much bigger part than you thought. What does that make you feel like when you went through all this trouble to write the film? I don't care because I'm 65. I've learned enough. I just don't give a shit.

Yeah. If, you know, all that trouble, I did something and Norm read it and fell in love with it. I would love to read it. I'll send it to you. Yeah. I'll send it to you. Yeah. I'll send it to you. It's an Aramaic. Like passion of the Christ.

It's like the list is life. The list is life. Yeah. But well, listen, brother, thanks so much for coming on. Anytime you ask me. I am so happy to be talking to you. And I love you so much for coming on. Anytime you ask me. I am so happy to be talking to you and I love you so much, Artie.

I love you too, Bob. In all honesty, you're really arguably the sweetest guy I've met in this business. It's hard to get a Well, that's not hard because most people are pieces of shit. Absolutely. If you could be called the nicest guy

in the show business, you're not really that nice of a guy, probably. No, you're a scumbag. You're a dick. I'm not a scumbag. I'm just a dick. I do know some great people. Yeah, sure. Yeah, right. They all love you. Everybody I know, I talk to who knows

Bob Saget, loves Bob Saget. Well, you're really nice. I'm going to self-loathe as I take this flight now. Believe me, my self-loathing, it just looks like I don't have it, but I got it. No, I know you got it. Where are you going? I'm going to Milwaukee, but I'm flying to Chicago because it's an hour from Milwaukee. Right.

Oh, there you go. You got to fly to Chicago. I'll do some shows and then I'll, uh, my in-laws are going to visit me there. That'll be nice. I like my in-laws. That's never happened. Where do they all live? They live in Chicago. Oh, in Chicago. And they're taking the drive up to Milwaukee. Yeah. And they're going to stay at the hotel and we're going to, maybe I'll hook up. That's not a rim shot.

That's just like people leave the room. Okay. Yeah. Thanks, Bob. Thanks. All right, buddy. We'll go kick some ass then. Yeah. And I'm going to contact you because I want you on my podcast.

And this would be a good Zoom, what we're doing right now. This would be cool. Yeah. All right. If you're cool, I'm cool. Yeah, absolutely. I'll do anything you this would be cool. Yeah. All right. If you're cool, I'm cool. Yeah, absolutely. I'll do anything you want. I'll definitely do it, Bob.

And I'm always, it's not the name of my podcast, but I'm always here for you. I swear to God, you just text me. You know me. I know. I'm here. You might get one of those one day. It'll surprise you. I've gotten them before and I want more.

I want the good ones and the bad ones. I just want to be, I don't mind being the call. I surprise you. I've gotten them before and I want more. I want the good ones and the bad ones. I don't mind being the call. I love you. Bob, I love you too, my man. Thanks so much for doing this. And have a safe trip to Chicago, then Milwaukee. Thanks. And give my love to your mom and your sister.

I want people to know they're different people. You don't live in the woods. There you go. Nice. All right. You be well, okay, man? All right, Bob. I'll talk to you, brother.

I'll talk to you. Thanks for this. I needed it. The great Bob Saget. Love you, man. Salud. Salud. And ladies and gentlemen, that was the great Bob Saget.

That was great, Artie. And it's great to see the podcast back. Every Monday, the podcast will be out for free on YouTube, iTunes, and Stitcher. And then if you want to get that second exclusive episode, just for supporters of the show, you can do that through Patreon or YouTube Premium or thecomicsgym.com. Be able to get access to that 800 number to ask Artie questions and also to be able to get all 400 episodes, archived episodes of the Artie Quitter podcast.