Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 28 - GILBERT GOTTFRIED

Episode Date: November 8, 2021

Artie is joined by comedy legend Gilbert Gottfried, a touching voicemail from a supporter, and Mike Bocchetti. Support Artie by joining at Patreon.com/ArtieLange or by clicking the JOIN button on his YouTube page. You'll get access to the exclusive Thursday episodes and nearly 400 Artie Quitter podcast episodes. Patreon supporters at the "Artie Insider" level will get access to Artie's voicemail line to leave a message to be addressed on a future show.

We're back with Mike Boschetti on Arnie Lang's Halfway House. Hey Arnie, hey Tom. What's up Mike? So I think everybody out there wonders about your day. When you don't have a big audition or a spot on the Arty Lang halfway house, what do you do? What is your day filled with? It depends.

I like watching movies now. Yeah. What are you watching currently? I started watching last night, but I didn't finish it. Analyze this. So that's another one that was too smart for you? No, I see. But I like classic.

There's so many things out there. Like I have Netflix and Prime, but the thing is it's expensive with someone's OCD. It's like a million movies. And I usually, this sounds bad. I stick with something I know. I've seen some other cool stuff, but I mean, I like some classic movies and some

new ones but i watched a couple of um breaking bads i love that show right yeah yeah absolutely i binge watched in the weekend so it took you it's taking you two days to watch analyze this but you got through the entire oh no it took me two days to watch the irishman i love that i thought you said it took seven days no i watched it seven times you watched it seven times yeah isn't that like a three-hour movie yeah and i look one one character i would be perfect for yeah but this guy was really a good actor. I would have loved him in Sally Bugs. Yeah, Sally Bugs. I like that.

They're talking about his eyes. He was a quirky kind of guy and funny guy. But the thing is, the guy that played him is an outstanding actor. He was on Borlaug Empire. I forgot his name, but he's really a good actor. You forgot his name? And the thing is, look-wise, if Scorsese was going for authenticity, you know,

whatever he was going for. Authenticity. Authenticity. Right, there you go. That guy looks way more Italian than I do, and that's probably one flaw. I don't know, I think you look Italian. Are you half back to dyeing your hair? Because it looks a little chartreuse-y. Yeah, I'm going to go back to dyeing it.? Because it looks a little chartreuse-y.

Yeah, I'm going to go back to dyeing it. I need it badly. I shaved the thing because it was itchy. Yeah, well, it's got two enormous sores on your... It looks like your chin has AIDS. No, I think it's like Neurotia. Not Neurotia. What do you call that?

Rosacea. I don't know. That red stuff on your face makes me look like Frost in the Snowman. Rosacea? Yeah, yeah. What do you call it? Neurotia. Neurotia? Neurotia.

That was one of the cities that got bombed by World War II. Neurotia. Oh, God. That was horrible, wasn't it? Your hair has an odd... Are you going all the way with the dyeing? Your hair has an odd tint to it. I know. It's weird.

I look like Andy Dick. Well, that's not true. No, when I was skinnier, I did. I've got to find the picture. Way skinnier. No, but I think I came across Andy Dick at Caroline's. He was nice to me. I never spoke to him, no.

You came across him? That must have been nice for him. No, but he was friendly. I mean, he wasn't an idiot or anything. I really don't know. Well, listen, Mike, you're making a lot of sense. And it looks like you've figured out the blue screen problem you had before. Yeah.

You know why? Because I'm a good cinematographer yeah you're a regular gordon b willis he did the godfather yeah but the thing is this business is so sad sometimes why like right now you mean no i got to meet some people who were huge years ago that just were having a hard time until they ended their careers and lives. Yeah, it goes away, man. It's fleeting.

That's why you got to enjoy it. It does go away. Nobody's Bob Hope forever. No, not anymore. That's why you got to enjoy it while you can, man. I know, and I met some cool people. I mean, in this whole thing, like I met Rerun from what's happening, Fred Barry.

He was awesome. Well, there's a great example of a huge star. Why would Fred Rerun Barry be a dick to anybody? No, but he was a millionaire at one time and super successful, but he was just down to earth when I met him. When did you meet him? Back in 1999. Oh, back in 1999.

So you're actually bringing up The one star that you thought to bring up Of all the people you met is Frederick Ron Barry from 22 years ago I also met a couple of other cool ones From yesterday Ron Palillo from Welcome Back, Harvard Horshack

Yeah So this is really a who's who of Hollywood No, no But you know who was really cool then, Matt? Larry Storch from Epsom. I love him. The people keep getting more and more obscure. Well, I don't know.

But 1967, he was obscure. Yeah. When did you meet him, though? I met him at Rascals probably about 15 years ago. Judah Freeland was doing a show. I was on. He booked me with him. We did a show at Rascals, and I think it was Cherry Hill, right?

And Larry came to see the show, and I talked to him for about 20 minutes. He was awesome. Larry Storch came to see a show in Cherry Hill? Yeah, Rascals, because he was really an outstanding guy. And I met him in L.A. like five years ago. And he was so nice. I went to the comedy store. I never got on there.

I just went to hang. I always wanted to go there, but I mainly did the improv in L.A. when I was out there. And they had a problem with each other for a long time. But I met Martin Lawrence. Right. And I talked to him for like 20 minutes. He was one of the coolest people I ever met.

What was it like for 20 minutes? He was engaging? Like he listened to you? Yeah, he talked to me because we weren't talking about comedy. I started off with I said, Martin? He goes, yeah. I go, I loved you on your show And Def Jam And you start talking

About different things And he's very cool Wow Alright It sounds like you Have led quite a life No but the thing is You've run across

A lot of people In this In celebrities Yeah sure On Netflix And some people are cool But the thing is You gotta remember one thing It could be all But tomorrow If you're an idiot Yeah with celebrities. Yeah, sure. On Netflix, and some people are cool, but the thing is,

you've got to remember one thing. It could be over tomorrow if you're an idiot. Yeah. And, well, again, I've met a lot of people, and everyone asks me what kind of a guy you're like.

A lot of people say, what kind of a guy is Mike Borchetti? And I say, he's very, his character on screen is very similar to his character off screen. People said that.

I'm like. It is. You are you, no matter what. No, I don't care either. I love it. No, it's true. I love you for it. But the thing is, but anybody that was an individual did well with this.

I mean, yourself, Andrew Dice Clay, Sam Kennison. I'm trying to think. There's a lot of other people that are truly themselves. Right. Larry Storch. Frederick Runberry. Oh, yeah. One person who I think is awesome acting-wise.

She's one of the best. I love, what do you call it? I'm sorry. I blanked a minute. How stupid is that? Kid Dino Might from... Oh, no, no. No.

What do you call it? What's his name? He played... Oh, God. I can't forget it. Give us some clues. What was he in? Okay, he was in American Splendor with Judah.

He played Pig Vomit. Paul Giamatti. Yeah. Yeah, Paul Giamatti. Yeah, there you go. See, Tom, thank you. Outstanding, because she played everybody from Pig Vomit to Samuel Adams. He's an incredible actor.

John Adams. John Adams, sorry. Samuel Adams is the beer. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But in all fairness to you, no one makes that mistake. Well, yeah. I don't care. You know, mistakes are made.

That's why pencils have erasers. That's right. And that's what your hair looks like right now, an eraser. I got a box full of pencils. You're all right, Mike. I love you box full of pencils. You're alright, Mike. I love you. You know that. Artie Lang's Halfway House is free every Monday on YouTube, and wherever you listen to podcasts,

iTunes, Stitcher, and all the rest. And of course, every Thursday you can get a second exclusive episode by joining on Patreon, thecomicsgym.com, or through YouTube memberships with a bunch of different perks, including all 400 Artie Quitter podcast episodes, the exclusive content, and as many of you know, access to the 800 number where you can call

and leave a message for Artie to listen to and respond on the show. And we want to play one right now that we got this week. Marvin. Hey, Art. This is Joe from San Antonio. Just wanted to say thanks for having me on this, and glad you're doing well, pal. For the last year or so, I lit a rosary before Mass at 530 at St. Anne's Catholic Church here in San Antonio.

And every now and then, before we do our intentions, I say, make a special intention. I tell the old ladies, keep my buddy Artie in your prayers. And every now and then, one of them would say, how's your friend Artie? I was like, well, I'm not sure, but I hope he's doing well. But now I see that you're doing well, pal. Anyway, Art, anyway, it's awesome that you're doing well and you're doing this. And, you know, I don't know what else to say. It's just nice to be able to hope you get to hear this.

And it's great that you're doing well. God bless you, Art. All right, man. Take care. Well, my God, how do you react to that? That's incredible. Thank you, Joe. I really appreciate it.

St. Anne's is the church in Hoboken that I go to if I go to church. I probably should do it a lot more often, as often as you, it sounds. But thanks, Joe. Your words mean a lot, buddy. And right now I'm doing okay, but it always helps to know that you got that kind of support from a guy like you. And, again, you be well, and best to you and your family, and best to you, my man.

I'll talk to you soon down the road. I'm here. This episode of Artie Lang's Halfway House is sponsored by BetterHelp Online Therapy. Doing this show, is that like therapy for you? It is. It's very therapeutic to do this. Sometimes I feel like the audience is my shrink and I'm talking to them. And sometimes it takes a while through email and stuff, but they get back to you about it. And they're always

honest. And that's what I love about it. And that's what BetterHelp is. That's where they come in handy. BetterHelp is customized online therapy that offers video, phone, and even live chat sessions with your therapist. So you don't have to see anyone on camera if you don't want to. Thank you. BetterHelp.com slash Artie. That's BetterHelp. B-E-T-T-E-R-H-E-L-P.com slash Artie. A-R-T-I-E. BetterHelp. For your mind. This episode of Artie Lang's Halfway House is sponsored by Blue Chew. Get more confidence in the bedroom.

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Wow. Over 50 years. Just mind-boggling to me. It's amazing he committed to something that much. And has done everything from The Voice in Aladdin, which is a Disney film. Right, The Parrot. To The Aristocrats. Right. Talk about range.

Absolutely. Gilbert Gottfried. Hi. Hi, what's up, Gilbert? Well, so you're still alive? Yeah, I'm still alive. Yeah. I was wondering if I was talking to your prepped-up corpse.

I've had that done before. Have you really? Yes. Well, no, it's not my propped up corpse yet. Maybe in minutes. So just wait. Yes. Okay.

I'm very patient. All you have to do is wait for that to happen. How are you doing? Oh, how are you doing? Oh, how are you doing? Oh, well, what a great answer. I'm doing good. I'm doing the podcasting thing, which I know you do. You do a lot of podcasting.

And how is your podcast going? My podcast is going good. Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast. going good. Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. And yesterday we interviewed Boris Karloff's daughter. No, did you? Yes.

And would you do impressions of her father for him? No, I was doing them the whole time. Yeah, I was going to say, did you do impressions of her? Oh, yeah, yeah. What is she, about 94? It was the podcast. And it's a frightening podcast.

And yeah, so that was and, you know, we we had on years ago. She died since then. Yeah, of course. Yeah. I mean, the guest on that podcast, it's like, you know, they're all in their 90s.

Yeah, right. So they agreed to do this show, and usually, like, a day later, they're dead. And so they can't make it on. I'm the only one living, actually. You thought I was dead? Yeah. I got a T-shirt. I survived Gilbert's podcast.

You can make money with that. Put that out. I did Gilbert Gottfried's podcast and all I got was this lousy t-shirt. Some of my friends are dead. I did Gilbert's podcast and my friends are dead. I did

Gilbert's podcast and I'm not dead. Yeah, because Jack Carter agreed to do the podcast. Wow. And the next, or we either hear they died or when the manager says, oh, they had to go into the hospital.

Then, you know, okay. It's a matter of time. Yeah. It's a matter of time. They had to go into the hospital then you know okay it's a matter of time yeah it's a matter they had to go into the hospital yeah yeah just because they left uh their watch the last time that's why they had they were there in the hospital a little last time for a checkup and they left their watch and he went to pick it up it has nothing to do with the fact that cancer has written his body, has eaten away three quarters of his body. No, no. He's just he's in the hospital because he puts on.

He does volunteer work. Yeah. Raise money for St. He plays guitar. Yes. To the old people in comas, he plays the guitar. Because the music really does go through to them. Yeah, he's Keith Richards' grandfather.

Yeah. Did you ever see that horrible piece of shit movie the notebook no i see i never i never i had broads who wanted to see it with me but i said no all the time oh it's horrible yeah it's it's fucking i forget the writer's name nicholas something. Okay. I'm sure he's a listener. And so there's, it's supposed to be that James Garner, his wife is in a coma and he goes and reads to her every day. Because I'm sure if you asked any doctor and you said, hey, if someone's in a coma, would reading to them help? I'm sure they'd say, oh, absolutely. That's the miracle cure. Can you get the guy from the Rockford Files

to do it? And while he's reading, could you play the music really loud where it goes? I love the opening of shows like that because it just shows James Garner like a maniacal laugh for no reason. Yeah, that'll cure anybody of their cancer oh and then there was another movie by that same nicholas whoever wow he must be successful with alan alda in it of course and and alan Alda tells this story about how his wife used to help out this like little hillbilly boy or like this poor boy where his parents were drunks and they would beat him. And she said to him, you could be anything you put your heart to. Right.

And then they find out he's like the head of the universe. Have you found that to be true, Gilbert? Anything you put your head to, you can do? Because I've tried that when I was like 12, they said, if you really put your mind to it, you could play shortstop for the Yankees. And that wasn't true. you really put your mind to it. You could play shortstop for the Yankees. And that wasn't true.

Oh, well, they also like the spirit, particularly the Tony Awards. Yeah, it's on the Academy and Emmys, too. But particularly Tony Awards, where you hold up the award way up in the air and you say, this proves that if you stick to your dreams they'll come true and it's like well okay oh why don't you read off the names of the 20 billion people who are working as waitresses or working in a garage right now

Working as waitresses or working in a garage right now. Who also was sticking to their dreams? Who wants to be a semi-effeminate, great song and dance person who can, you know, keep captive an audience? That's the one you can be if you put your mind to it. Like, yeah. Also, you got to go to Juilliard. be if you put your mind to it like yeah right also you got to go to juilliard and it doesn't have to be only semi-effeminate right right right you can go further if you put your mind you could take it in the ass every hour if you put your mind to it. And what's more effeminate than taking it in the ass?

I think you just said the most effeminate thing possible. Like some people think effeminate, what does that mean? Like you like a lavender rug? Yeah, and I take it in the ass. Boy, you're going way too far with the effeminate stuff. Well, you could be more effeminate by taking it in the ass while someone else is putting it in your mouth. This is if you really want your dreams to come true. If you really want your dreams to come true, you should be studying people who take it in the ass while blowing somebody else. If you really want to be really effeminate, you could be jerking off two other people while you're at it.

Jerking off two other guys. So pulling on two dicks, sucking another one and getting one in the ass. This is how effeminate. While two other guys are coming all over your face. It's weird. When you said effeminate, I thought we were going to do a little soft shoe, tap dancing. Like, you know, I tap and stuff like that. Like, you know, James Cagney used to do.

That type of effeminate. Well, yeah, that's a certain type of effeminate. But really what I was thinking of was a massive amount of cock intake. Massive amount of cock intake. Massive. Yeah, the head of the household is to master cock intake. And I think canoodling is very effeminate. Yeah, canoodling. Canoodling.

Where you fuck someone in the ass and then suck the cum out of her asshole. And have the noodle in your ass, too. you can if you can fit anything else in there just shove the noodle up there being ultimately effeminate is your asshole is so busy that you can't fit anything else which which sounds like like the beginning a setup for a joke. My asshole is so busy. How busy is it? Well, I was just taking it in the ass. Hey, I tell you, Johnny, my asshole was so busy.

Oh, you know my doctor, Dr. Vinny Boombach. He told me, he told me, God, you're a busy asshole. I'm okay now, Johnny, but last week my asshole was busy. I'm all right now, John, but last week I was in rough shape. You know what I mean?

Yeah, last week I was getting fucked in the ass by two noodles and a cock. While sucking another dick. Oh, wow. You sound pretty effeminate. I tell you. I don't get no respect, but I do get major cock in cake. If you could shove a tony award up your asshole that's the ultimate effeminate thing the most effeminate thing ever is putting a tony award

in your asshole oscar's easy it's the right shape but isn't there a radio one that looks this one that looks like a microphone yeah yeah that's a good Yeah, that's a good one. You should really shove it. That's a good one. Because it's built. It's shaped perfectly. And anyone who wins awards like that, it would vastly improve their act, too, just to hear their asshole. Like, I want to hear the inner workings

of your asshole. But I just love the thought that that's what a feminine is that's what yeah you could really do this kid if you put your mind to it and 40 things in your ass so gilbert how are you doing i tell you johnny if you put your mind to it you could get 40 things in your head. By the way, for people who weren't born after 1930, Gilbert's doing Rodney Dangerfield.

I tell you, Johnny, I'm doing all right now, but last week I was in rough shape, you know. Last week I had a Tony Award up my ass. It would be great if you could win the Tony Award and then physically put it in your ass while you're accepting it. Yes. Like really accept it. And then you'd get like a standing ovation from the crowd. They'd go wild. Yes. But first you'd have tears coming down your face and go Mom and Dad

this is for you. And then you'd shove it all the way up your ass. And you hear people who've seen this act before and they want more like put more things in your ass! No, no, no. This is my ass is just taking the Tony Award tonight.

And then other people. Bing Reims. Bing Reims actually put it up Jack Lemmon's ass once, didn't he? But after you chugged it. I'll board up your asshole, Bing Reigns would pull the award out of Jack Lemmon's asshole. And then it would be covered with Jack Lemmon shit. Yeah, yeah. Which made it more valuable.

Which is a much more, which is very, very relatable. Relatable, easygoing style shit. You know what? I was going to put this, you know what, ladies and gentlemen, thank you. I was going to put this award on my asshole, but I'd much rather put it up Jack Lemmon's ass. Jack, could you come

up here? And Jack Lemmon's like, this is astonishingly kind. I can't believe this. Yeah, just drop your pants. And then just shove it up your ass. Well, we can't. And then Kanye West would come up on stage in the middle of Jack Lemmon accepting the award and his asshole. in the award in this asshole. Kanye West would say,

hey, I'm sorry for interrupting, but this really should be shoved up Beyonce's asshole. It was being shoved up Taylor Dane. What's her name? Taylor Dane was the one who was about to shove the warden in her ass.

Right, right, right, right. When Kanye was interrupted. When that ass banded Kanye West. See, that was a little known Western, that Kanye West. Smokey in the ass band smoking smoking smoking in the ass smoking in the ass bandit nobody but nobody makes a possum's peck out of shampoo for tea except for shut your ass. Dom DeLuise was so good at smoking in the ass man.

Oddly enough, people ask, what did he play? Was he smoky? No, he wasn't smoky. And Charles Nelson Riley. They have that on the DVD of Smokey and the Aspander too. They have all the audition tapes. Like with the Godfather. And you see, you see, you see, you see Charles Nelson Riley trying to get the part. And Siskel and Ebert say, we hit two thumbs up your ass.

That's a feminine Siskel and Ebert, two thumbs up your ass. Boy, I'm upset that Frank isn't here to hear all this. The what? I'm upset that Frank isn't here to hear all this. Oh, yeah. Gilbert's co-host who hates my guts. He's like, Artie ruins

the show. I'm like, really? Well, you couldn't. The Emmys wouldn't work because the Emmys would kill somebody's asshole. The Emmy Awards, like, that's a weapon. And the Tonys are wide.

So what is it, the comic face and the tragic face or something like that, a Tony? Oh, oh, I don't think so. What is a Tony? It might be. It might be. I don't know. Well, let's check in someone's ass and see. You know, in the move, the three stooges movie with Jim, they would sometimes draw a picture of Jim's face in the credits that look like the smiling face from. Look it up now.

OK, OK. It's a lot of three stooges experts if i get one email the most as people go could you explain the three stooges marketing campaign you know first of all it's going to be shemp you know, you're getting gypped out of a Curly. Yes. But as long as it's not Curly Joe Dorita. Yeah. Oh, God. Curly Joe.

What was his last name? Curly Joe Dorita. Dorita. Yeah. That's when you scrape from the bottom. It's like that's when like Mo and Larry were like in their 90s already and they still wanted to keep the business going. You know, Curly had his stick. He did a high pitched voice and rolling around the floor.

Shemp would do his like running around it. And they all had things that were theirs. his like running around and they all had things that were theirs and now and then Curly Joe Dorito was like well he's fat and he's bald that's funny right

yeah it didn't take much to get into the later Marx Brothers which is I mean Three Stooges is what you're saying the Marx Brothers never went through that. The Marx Brothers, did they ever have a shit time? I think they were always on the money with their movies.

Well, no. I thought the beginning of the end for the Marx Brothers was Night at the Opera. Right. Although it had its funny part. Every kid is thinking that, listening. You could see they were like they the old comedies they did at night at the opera yeah it's like the old comedies they did was like uh a laugh a minute and in night at the opera it seemed like it was like a sitcom at times where they would tell a joke and then there'd be silence

for the laughter right right right uh that's true i guess you're right i'm thinking back now but i always thought night at the opera even that had more funnier shit than the three stooges yeah yeah the night at the opera had great scenes and and and night a day at the Opera had great scenes and Night at the Races. After that, it was like at the circus was pretty horrible. I never saw. I never even saw at the circus. And I love the Marx Brothers. The big store was terrible.

Out West was fucking horrible. Every teenage boy listening right now can say, yeah, Out West was horrible. Every person under the age of 111 is saying, yeah. And Groucho, in his last years, he said to Dick Cavett, you know, when they gave me the Lifetime Award for creativity, I had my girlfriend at the time, Erin Fleming. Where else are you going to hear Groucho's girlfriend references? Of the award of my age. And don't stop. That's great.

Ladies and gentlemen, you really got Groucho's real girlfriend's name. Yes. And you know what happened to her? Well, she was caught chomving something up a legend's ass yes she served time for that what happened to her but yeah she after she lost the case as far as getting his money after he died and then she was living out on the street oh wow and she wound up shooting herself oh my god see i want to get the now now really now all the teenage kids listening go wow oh gilbert no no keep keep those 280 year old references fresh and funny

you know ladies and gentlemen remember that kid i was telling you about the cute kid he Keep those 280-year-old references fresh and funny. You know, ladies and gentlemen, remember that kid I was telling you about, the cute kid? He shot himself in the head after her boyfriend died, and she couldn't rip his money from his dead flesh. Although she tried to, hiring all these lawyers, she couldn't do it. And then guess what? She shoots herself. I tell you. I tell you, Kelly. Although she tried to hire an all these lawyers, she couldn't do it. And then guess what? She shoots herself. I tell you. I tell you, Kelly.

I choose. Ex-girlfriend shot herself. She's okay now. She's okay now. But tomorrow, she's going to shoot herself. Aaron Fleming shot herself. That's going to shoot us. Aaron Fleming shot herself. That's going to be the name of this podcast. So what else is happening with you, Gilbert?

You're doing the cameos, right? Oh, yeah. Cameo, the video shout outs. Cameo.com slash Gilbert Gottfried. Boy, you knew that better than you knew Aaron Fleming. And where can we see you shoving something up your ass? Shoving your plugs up your ass. That's a true plug.

One you can shove in your ass. So you got the cameos. You're doing stand up, right yes more and more i i i it's like it's i'm still now scared of it yeah are you really yes yeah me too oddly enough because it's a scary thing when you think of going in front of strangers and trying to make them laugh who are all overpaying for a rolling rock yeah because like all this time you know you do it every single night right you shows a night all over the place you stay fresh just yeah and it's just like yeah all right this is what i do and then after you don't do it for a long time it's like what the hell this? This is my profession. I'm standing here saying something fucking

stupid. And strangers. The good thing about you, Gilbert, is you do keep it fresh. Yes. I'm working on my new Bonanza. Bonanza is the one old show they have not made a movie of yet

a Hollywood movie that's amazing that's right that would be a killer don't you think a new Bonanza but they also haven't done one unbranded right no but they did Maverick

I know that that was a while ago with Mel Gibson Mel Gibson, with Mel Gibson. Mel Gibson was telling people who the Jews were on the set. He was shooting Jews in the Old West. Where's the producer of this film? Here I am. It's nothing like the Old West with the cowboys and Indians and shooting Jews. Shooting Jews starring Mel Gibson Yes where it's like

Hey forget about the Indians There's some Jews here You know what's really going to help society Is if I kill these Jews The Indians don't care Nobody cares about the Indians anymore Jews. The Indians don't care. Nobody cares about the Indians anymore. You've got to edgy it up. We'll shoot the

Jews and let the Indians go, hey, uh, hey, uh. You know, that reminds me of when I was on the show Mad TV, we did all these parodies of movies, and we did one called Schindler's Lost one time, and somehow Steven Spielberg heard about it and made us

not put it out. He convinced us not to do it because he would, you know, get the Anti-Defamation League and stuff like that. But Schindler's Lost, we couldn't think of an ending. Schindler gets lost trying to save the Jews, and he gets lost, and the Jews die at the end.

That put a damper on the whole thing. But Gilbert, you know, you seem strong. That's the thing. I look at you, you seem strong and sturdy. Thank you. I'm getting a hard on just here. Gilbert's in Florida.

Gilbert, when are you in Florida? You're in Florida now? Yes. Oh, okay. So, no, they set this up. I thought this was your apartment. Yeah, no, I have a place out here. Oh, no kidding. Gilbert, he kept the apartment in New York, but he's living a good part of the year

in Florida. Wow, okay. So you're really doing the Jew thing. Yeah. Oh, total, total old old jew thing i'm in florida that's the move whereabouts in florida in uh boca raton oh that's nice yeah hey now i know you wanted my advice on how to do a podcast and i said to you much like when you asked you want to do is put it in, you should go to Florida. You go to Florida, and the way to get to Florida is they have airplanes. And what you do is you buy a ticket. What you do is you buy a ticket.

You got to get a ticket or else they don't allow you on the airplane. And when you get on the airplane, you should pack a suitcase. Because in case you want to wear different clothes. But with the podcast, in case you want to change your clothes at any moment while you're in Florida. And you might want to bring a toothbrush with you so that when you

arrive at your destination, you brush your teeth. This is Gilbert's impression of me. The podcast, it was a little simpler. I was like, first of all, get yourself a microphone. And then you need a headset. The microphone has to work. What do you want to do?

Yeah, because I asked you. How do you, because you had already done an album or a DVD. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A DVD. And you were saying to me, well, what you want to do is film one of your shows.

And then afterwards, look at it and the stuff that gets left, you keep on the album. And the stuff that gets left, you keep on the album. And the stuff that doesn't get left, you don't have on there. And right there, you're down to two minutes now. But a podcast is much simpler directions.

I'll get into them later. So that's great, man. So I can see you going to the beach a lot, right? You're in the beach in the ocean. I hate it. I hate the beach. I know that I, I, uh, and it, and it's too hot. It is. Yeah. It's too. So what are you down there for Gilbert? Uh, that's, uh, cause I'm married and she tells me what to do oh okay that's right that makes good sense and do your kids like it your kids must love it

that yeah they like it they eat it up where are they now aren't they in school in new york city uh no they're in school out here oh so you even the school the whole school year you're down there or you just let them go by themselves. What you want to do is take your kids down, too. You want to enroll your kids in something called school. And then they get grades, and based on the grades, they leave. Yes. Well, Gilbert, I don't know what to say. This was certainly the most effeminate podcast I've ever done.

Which part do you think? I'm confused. The part as I end it where we're shoving this microphone right up my asshole. That's going to be the most effeminate part. But do you have anything else you'd like to plug? Any shows? Your hair? You look like you're receding hairlines getting to you a little bit.

I've been, now I have that like that since the pandemic, my wife shaves my head with that, you know, over the counter electric razor. Oh, my God. What a great task for her. Who exactly did she fuck over in the universe? Who did Dara fuck over in the universe to where that's what she's doing?

And I say, could you give me the Curly Joe Dorita cut? You just need to get heavier, and we'll give you the cut and you'll be funny enough for the film. Well, where's your next stand up bit, you know? That you have to check on Gilbert Godfrey dot com. Gilbert Godfrey dot com. Yeah. Gilbert Godfrey dot com for this stand up podcast. Gilbert Godfrey.com for this stand-up.

Podcast, Gilbert Godfrey's amazing, colossal podcast. And for a video shout-out, cameo.com slash gilbertgodfrey. Wow, there you go. And for people, you young kids out there, I'm the youngest person who's ever been on Gilbert's podcast. I'm the youngest person who's ever been on Gilbert's podcast. And you're the one in the best physical condition. I'm not shitting myself at the hospital. All right, Gilbert, listen, I love you.

And, you know, the audience loves you. And this has been a fine conversation. I thank you. And I wish you the best. You and Dara are the best. I know you got to get back to a fine conversation. I thank you, and I wish you the best. You and Dara are the best. I know you've got to get back to shaving your head. That was great, Artie, and it's great to see the podcast back. Every Monday the podcast will be out for free on YouTube, iTunes, and Stitcher.

And then if you want to get that second exclusive episode, just for supporters of the show, you can do that through Patreon or YouTube Premium or thecomicsgym.com. Be able to get access to that 800 number to ask Artie questions and also to be able to get all 400 episodes, archived episodes of the Artie Quitter Podcast. We'll be right back. Thank you.