Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 3 - GILBERT GOTTFRIED

Episode Date: December 4, 2019

All-time great stand-up comedian Gilbert Gottfried is 100% uncensored in this laugh-out-loud interview among the comic friends. Presented by TheComicsGym.com. Sponsored by... MyBookie.ag - to go http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus BlueChew - go to BlueChew.com and use code Artie to try it for FREE!  

Ladies and gentlemen, who would have guessed it? We've lasted three episodes. That's a biggie. This is episode... And that you'd show up for any of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of the investors are very excited. Under over in Vegas, there's always two episodes.

We're back with Artie Lang's Halfway House. And my co-host, of course, is Mike Buschetti. Mike, say hi. Hi, America. How are you guys doing? People love a show around the world. America's not listening, Mike. Why don't you say hi, Seacaucus?

Hi, Seacaucus. The engineers aren't listening. Gilbert requested his volume go down. Thank you, Gilbert. I appreciate it. But our guest today is probably one of the biggest disappointments in the history

of comedy. I first saw Gilbert in 1988 at Caroline's by the Seaport. And he was so funny. And me and my friends predicted big things. And if you had told me if someone from the future came into 1988

from 2019 and said, you'll be interviewing Gilbert in an attic on 50th Street, he's going to actually want to come to talk to you. He won't be busy. Gilbert Gottfried is here, the comics comic. Gilbert, what's up, buddy? Yeah, well, I just, can I keep my phone on Spielberg? Might be calling any minute now.

Eddie Spielberg? Yeah. The any minute now. Eddie Spielberg? Yeah. The guy your father sold the hardware store to? Okay, now, Gilbert is just, you know, one of the most unique people out of show business. Most of it. But one of my favorite people of all time. So funny.

But now, you did something today. Both of us were in court today for very different things. I had jury's duty. Yeah, and I was facing a jury. Now, can you tell us what... But you on jury duty is a fascinating thing. Yeah, it shows why the jury system sucks. Yeah, because I know you like to racially profile.

Which is another way to say good cop work. Yeah, because I know you like to racially profile. Which is another way to say good cop work. Yeah, guilty. I'm just going to give you, you say guilty or not guilty. The defendant, Gilbert, today is Tyrone Wilson. Guilty. Our defendant is Hector Rodriguez. Guilty. Our defendant is Ira Green Rodriguez. Guilty. Our

defendant is Ira Greenberg. Okay. Is he a tax accountant? Yes. In that case, guilty. Yeah. Now, Gilbert loves old jokes and going along with your Jews control our money bit,

one of my favorite old jokes, you have to know this one, the priest and the rabbi walking down the street, and they see a 10-year-old boy, and the priest says, you want to fuck him, and the rabbi goes, out of what? Yeah. I haven't heard that. Yeah, that to me is a great joke. That is a great joke. It's horribly offensive to Christians, but the Jewish part of the joke

was the reason for the Holocaust. So I think it's more offensive. See, so it's historic. It's historic, yeah. It's a lesson in history. Yeah, but I don't think

it's that offensive to Catholic Christians. I am. Well, we say the priests fuck kids. I mean, it's the truth. That's not offensive. That's not offensive.

What, a priest fucking a little boy in the ass? Why is that there? Well, that's offensive now because Mike was fucked in the ass by a monsignor. You had a priest fuck you in the ass? A blind priest. No, Gilbert, actually, nuns beat on me instead of priests. Do you think a blind priest, much like Ray Charles,

would feel your arms to see if you're fat? He'd probably know right away. Isn't that amazing that in the movie Ray, even Ray Charles, even the blind guy, won't fuck a fat chick? He's like, she's too heavy for me. Yes. Yeah, you'd think a blind guy would care anything. I don't know.

You'd think a blind guy doesn't know the difference between what's attractive and what's not attractive. But he felt like your elbow for two seconds. He goes, get away from me, you pig. No, it's true. He goes, he knows that arm is like an elephant's trunk. You can feel it. Well, look at you.

I mean, Gilbert, looking at Mike, what are you? But other than that, you're. Well, look at you. Gilbert, looking at Mike... But other than that, you're a fucking prize. Thank you. Looking at Mike, what are your initial thoughts looking at Mike? That Anne Hathaway will be calling you any second. Thank you. She's going to say, Mike, go away.

This is Anne Hathaway. Mike, go away. Thank you away Thank you Yeah, Gil, let's try this again Okay, you're on the jury Your defendant today is Ahmad Anwar Guilty Something's gonna happen This does have something to do with explosives, right, Your Honor?

Yeah Yeah, he was caught in a cab making plans for the next attack. Yeah, so now again, now Gilbert, so your career, I just did your podcast. It's so much fun.

The only podcast that mentions Richard Whitmore. The references you make, how do you get away with making Mayor Winningham references in 2019? Because you have a popular podcast. People love it. Yeah, we're going to be doing a tribute to Lloyd Nolan.

Have you considered taking one of your references and trying to modern it up, like saying Peter Laurie Laughlin? Like Peter Laurie if he tried to get a stupid kid into college. Would you ever pay for your kid to get into Harvard? Oh, jeez. Not even the tuition. No, no.

Not to get into a school in the ghetto. No, it's horrible. The only thing you need to get into a school in the ghetto is a gun. So, in other words, you can't understand why they're spending millions. I mean, their kids look so stupid in that scandal. Like, they're the real losers in it. I know, and I heard with Lori Loughlin, she was like her daughter was like some top internet personality. Right, right. Because, of course, they all are.

Billions of followers. Yeah. More than Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast. Remember when people following you was a bad thing? And her mother, I think, just fucked it up. Yeah, yeah. She should have left her alone. Right.

I mean, just go do what you got to do. Like that Kylie Jenner kid. She just have left her alone. Right. I mean, just go do what you gotta do. Like that Kylie Jenner kid. She just got $600 million. Because some guy called her up and said, I'm gonna put your name on makeup. She doesn't have to get into Yale. No. Why do you want to even fucking go to Yale for? It's like, remember,

it lasted about a week. But when the Olsen twins decided to go to college yeah they're great great great grandkids don't have to work that's what I mean yeah so what the fuck do you go to college you go to college to be worth a billion dollars yes a billion is taking a loss

right so a billion is like they were that at 10 years old why would you want to go to fucking college? Yeah, they look down on someone who has a billion dollars. Now, did you go to college? No. Which everyone knows. How could he, but how does he sound so intelligent? No, but you're way smarter than some people who went there.

It's the most important. That's right. Now, just give me your initial answer. Do you think Mike went to college? Well, this is a tough one. How much time did... Can you play the Jeopardy theme? Mike, this is the thing.

Mike thought he was smart enough to be in Mensa. So listen to this story. So Mike thought he was smart enough to be in Mensa. This is one of my favorite Mike things. So there was a test you take that you have to download off the internet to see if you're in Mensa. It took him two days to download. Don't you think that if that happens, he's not in Mensa?

I don't think you're smart enough to wipe your own ass, quite frankly. And he doesn't. I did great in some of the men's questions, but I can't download stuff because I'm not mechanically inclined. Well, you just said you couldn't figure out how to play Texas Hold'em poker. I don't really know. I like straight poker or crap. Now, do you have any tells where you could tell, like, the person?

And by crap, do you mean taking one. Yeah. I like crap. I like dropping my pants and feeling it come out of my ass. Now, Mike's parents told him he was artistic, but he misheard him. He was autistic. Mike, you're autistic. And you're autistic. And you're not like one of those

Dustin Hoffman. Oh, no, no, no. You mean a billionaire movie star? No, I'm not a savant. I got a good IQ. You're just an idiot. Oh, yeah, I'll take an idiot instead of savant. No, no, no. You're a good man, but I just think you thinking you're in men's, that's overshooting a little bit.

When you can't download the text. You're a good man because but I just think you thinking you're in Mensa, that's overshooting a little bit. When you can't download the text. You're a good man because you're too stupid to run a bank. No, but the thing is. Like Woody Allen, take the money and run. I did well on the questions in Mensa, but I had a problem downloading. But how did you get the questions if you couldn't download them? No, but. You did well on the questions in Mensa.

No, download the application back to them. I had a problem loading up. You what? Say it in the mic. I had a problem sending it back to them. But doesn't that mean you're not in Mensa? Shouldn't the last question be, if you can't figure out how to send this back to us,

you're not in Mensa. It's kind of like I could be in Mensa, but I wanted to mail it back, and I don't know how to lick an envelope. Who's never explained this? I lost the directions for putting a stamp on. What did I do with those stamp directions? I got my data back, so what would I do?

Now on the front of it, I put their address? Now on the front of it, I put their address? I can't figure out the complicated stamp outline. It says side. Now was that my name? What do I lick? I recently got called the jury duty, Gilbert. It's funny you mention it.

Oh, wow. Gilbert got out of it. He clearly has a Jew lawyer. But a jury is supposed to be of your peers. Do you have any peers? No. Yeah, I think George Goldblum is dead. You don't have any peers.

What would you, I mean, what would you, because I can't see you sitting still to listen to a case. No, it's horrible. Have you ever had jury duty before? I once. You were on the OJ jury, right? Yes. You were the one guilty.

Yeah, yeah. They just said, it's a black guy. They didn't even say, guilty. There's two dead white people, and there's a black guy. Thatilty! There's two dead white people and there's a black guy. That's all we know about the case. Gilbert? Guilty! But we have concrete evidence that he was

out of town. I don't care! We have a plane ticket. He was in China when this took place. I don't care. We have a plane ticket. He was in China when they took blood. I don't care. I say hang him. Here's our evidence. Fit rhymes with acquit. That's our evidence.

There was a bucket of blood in his car. Like, you ever watch the forensic files? Like, these guys commit the perfect murder. 17 years later, a belt buckle rubs up against a fender. Yes, of course. And they somehow convict the guy two decades later on a piece of evidence that took them four hours to figure. OJ had a bucket of her blood.

Yeah. That wasn't enough. That wasn't enough. Or it's like, you know, I love this, like on Columbo. It would be, well, you know, you had one picture, your button, your top button, and then the button was open. And it's like guilty, and then the music plays. But the O.J. Simpson Columbo episode would be three seconds. Yeah, yeah.

He'd go, this is the car? That's the guy? Who just had a gun to his head going to Mexico? Oh, yes, yes. The defendant is black, Lieutenant. I say guilty. I say guilty. One more thing, man.

What was the race of the defendant? I love when the guest stars on Columbo like they all like Jack Cassidy like there's all they all think he's an idiot the entire time and he's just outsmarting them I like Cannon

because that fat fuck was fun to watch run after people yeah Cannon Cannon outran like 21 year old Puerto Rican kids he was a 600 pound

obese obese guy and he just like you know you found out murder was a 600-pound obese guy. And he just like, you know, yeah, you found out murder was a two-way street. With that awful mustache. Yeah, yeah. You know, Cannon was a very, the Quinn Martin show. Or Banachick. Very 70s.

Well, I heard like on Ironside, the reason it was, it wasn't, it was just supposed to be a lawyer or a detective. And Raymond Burr said he didn't want to stand the whole time, so they go, okay. Because from what I hear, Raymond Burr, it's easier to blow a guy sitting down. You'd be surprised.

Sometimes my neck. Really? Yeah, I think Raymond Burr was also in it. It's funny that he's in the one Hitchcock movie with the word rear in it. Hitchcock? I'll do it. Cock? And I heard, like...

By the way, we're going to show a two-hour documentary on who Raymond Burr is. So the fans will get the... I like... Gilbert has great references. I know who he's talking about. Yeah, because you're 82. Millennials are right now going, where's that gluten-free muffin podcast I was listening to? I heard Raymond Burr was one of those that he... You know, Raymond Burr and Jim Nabors, same thing.

Right. Like, during the day when they still had their energy, they could butch it up. Yeah, well, they have to. You had to. But by the end of the day, you're tired, you've been drinking, and then it would all be fag. Yeah, it would be baby prancing around. Well, you know, instant fag just added alcohol. That was my slogan.

You know what you hear right before you hear people turning off a podcast? I heard Raymond Burr. How about Charles Nelson Riley? Which reminds me, my podcast is Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. And it's, here's how,

here's how exclusive and hard it is to get on Gilbert's podcast. I've been on 11 times. Whoa. I've been on 11 times. That's awesome. Yeah.

Basically, if you're passing by my podcast, you can be a guest. A crackhead, a pregnant crackhead will be on today because she happened to be in the area. Again, like in the movie Raging Bull, when they say Sugar Ray Robinson and Jake LaMotta, no one will fight them, so they fight each other. So no one else will have us on, so we have each other on. Gilbert, I actually met you a long

time ago. Well, you remember that, right? I tell people this story. I'm not sure. At the Friars Club? No, no, no. At the Friars Club, how often do they say, tell us about the time you met Mike Busch, Adam?

Well, you got time? All right, everyone sit down. I've got a story. I'm going to weave a tale. And then the music plays, and there's a flashback sequence. It was actually a lot of fun. There's some music from the 20s. Mike It was actually a lot of fun. There's some music from the 20s. Mike claims it was a lot of fun.

No, no, no, Kilman, it wasn't. It was a ball. Like Christy Churlington blowing you on the beach. Remember when Christy Churlington blew you on the beach? No, but I remember meeting Mike Boschetti. No, no, but It was back in 1996. Clearly, that's why you don't remember. I would push Chrissy Terlington's mouth off of my dick just to talk to Mike.

That's how much fun Mike is to talk to. I would pull Raymond Burr's mouth off my dick just to talk to Mike Borshetti. I would pull my dick out of Gisele Munchen just to talk to Mike. I would slap Tom Brady's cock out of Gisele Munchen's mouth. No, go ahead. Let's hear this. Just remind Gilbert. It was 1996.

Because when he tells the story again, he wants details. It was a birthday party for Al Goldstein. Wow. All the biggies. Was Grandpa Munster there? Yes, Al Lewis was there. Yeah, I see. Buck Henry was there. Buck Henry.

Anyone born after 1911. Otto was there. Otto Paul. Henry! Anyone born after 1911. Otto was there. Otto bought me that. Anyone who wasn't on the Titanic. It's funny because Otto and George Weston, he's brought me there. Otto and George! He actually brought me there because I seen Gilbert there,

Al Lewis, Buck Henry. It was fun. They couldn't get Mark Skippy Price was busy. Was Larry Storch getting laid? No, Larry Storch actually had a headshot up in the wall in a place over there. Larry Storch just sent his headshot. Todd Bridges was booked.

You know, I burned all the Bridges in showbiz, including Todd Bridges, at a crack house once. I accidentally burned Todd Bridges. Al Lewis was dead. I called him Grandpa. He liked it, though. Now, do you think any of these guys, do you think Al Goldstein always told that story, too? Yes. Al Lewis was dead. I called him Grandpa. He liked it, though. Now, do you think any of these guys... Do you think Al Goldstein always told that story, too?

Yes. Maybe. Him and Larry Flint getting together. One time I met Mike. And, you know, I've been blown by 5,000 hookers

in my day. But one time I met Mike. And what fun that was. You know, on Twitter, people always say to me, get somebody in who does an Al Goldstein impression. See, now, if I was around, you know, to be on the Ed Sullivan show, and I was one of those old-time impressionists, then it would be, now, if Al Goldstein was your waiter, it might go something like this.

Here's Al Goldstein meeting Mike Boschetti. Yeah, turn around, muss up your hair, turn your collar, and go, Hey, Mike. And put a snakeskin belt on. What a disgusting human being. That's a grotesque person.

You know, speaking of grotesque Jews, I was reading a biography on Hitler. Do you know Hitler Do you know a 17-year-old Jewish girl turned Hitler down for a date? Oh, well, there you go. Six million people died for that bitch. Like, how much does a blowjob

cost? I don't know, a holocaust? Yeah, supposedly some Jewish broad wouldn't fuck me. Oh, Christ. And he just needed Joe Pesci from Goodfellas to say, I can't believe a Jew broad wouldn't fuck me. Oh, Christ. And he just needed Joe Pesci from Goodfellas to say, I can't believe a Jew broad won't fuck me. It's like, you want to go back in time and say to her, look, just give him a handjob, all right? Please.

For a handjob, only two million will die in the oven. I saw a hundred year old Jewish man, a Holocaust survivor died, and he was also the most requested plumber in the history of New Jersey. He's the only guy to make both Schindler's and Angie's lists. Now, how do you feel?

There's another rumor going around in show business, Gilbert, so you wouldn't know of it. But the reason Robin Williams killed himself is because your life is going so well. Like you both did the classic Aladdin together. And every time I see Dara, your wife, she's such a wonderful... You know your wife's name is Dara. She's a wonderful person. You have two wonderful children.

You've got this great life. And Robin Williams took his own life. There is a rumor that making a nanus nanus. And there is a rumor that part of his insane depression is that the voice of the parrot is doing better. Yeah, if anyone's going to off themselves, you'd go, hmm, an Academy Award winning actor with $20 billion in the bank. Yeah, again, if I was from the future, I'd go to people watching Aladdin in 1991 and say one of these guys is going to kill himself

in a creepy way with an article of women's clothing. Yeah. And it's not the parrot. It would be like saying, someone is guilty of holding up an old lady. There's one black guy and one white guy. Yeah. The defendant's name is Will Smith. Guilty.

Gilbert was great in Problem Child, too, with John River. That's right. Were you in all the Problem Childs? Yeah, including just like how they had Home Alone. It was the third one that no one saw. Like The Godfather. Yeah, yes, yes. Or Jaws 3D.

Oh, my God, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So you did all three of them? Yeah, I was the third one. I would think you're just the one no one saw. The third one, nobody saw. It didn't have John Ritter or the kid. Was he dead already?

Yeah. Well, when the kid hits puberty, like, remember when Spanky hit puberty? Oh, God. Or the beef. And remember when Urkel was like, hey, it's Laura home. Well, now, and this is hard to bring up, but there was a kid who always did the Shriners Hospital for Kids commercials in the wheelchair. And he was a cute little kid, but now his voice is turning. Oh, yeah.

And he's like, hi, I'm in the wheelchair and he was a cute little kid but now his voice is turning. Oh yeah. And he's like, Hi, I'm in a wheelchair. Like he was cute, now you're like, get the fuck away from me. Yeah. He sounds creepy. You know when it's a kid and he says he can't walk, it's like, aww. But then it's like, hey, I can't walk. Good, you sound like Al Goldstein. I can't walk. Gilbert, how long did it take to film Aladdin now? They didn't film it. They didn't film it.

It's a cartoon. I'm so sorry. My mistake, Gilbert. You're a regular Byron Allen with your questions. How long did it long? That was one of the men's questions I got wrong. How long did it take them to record those silent moments? Charlie Gilbert, I just... He's in Mensa.

That's one of the Menza questions I got wrong. How long did it take the film to land? That's on the Mensa question. That's on the Mensa question. That's on the Mensa test. I failed that one, Gil, with that question. How long did it take to draw Star Wars? What stuff can blind people see? Everything.

You know, blind people are the only people who don't see their dads more than black people. Oh, no. A lot of people say, they say, Stevie Wonder never saw his dad. Black, no blind. Yeah, well, Mike, should we have any other Mensa questions?

No, but I'm just curious. That's why I'm Mensa, Mensa. What the fuck? That is the greatest thing ever. I love that film because my nieces were young kids. I was watching it with them. I love it. Yeah, well, you weren't doing anything inappropriate, right?

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. I can't walk. Yeah, I'd like him as watching my kids. Yeah, do you think that now, is there any circumstances where you'd let, like even if, say, okay, say you were on the Titanic, right? And there's only three spots left in a lifeboat.

Yes. Well, three only Mike would fit in. There's five spots. There's five spots left. And so your children, your children have to be saved. But Mike has to stay with them on the lifeboat. Do you let them go or do you let them drown? Oh, God.

Well, I guess. Well, you would probably get on the lifeboat yourself and say, good luck, kid. Yeah. I didn't say, yeah, stroke, stroke, God. Well, I guess. Well, you would probably get up on your own yourself and say, good luck, kid. Yeah. I'd be saying, yeah, stroke, stroke, stroke. You just described Mike's Tuesdays. Stroke. Yeah, well, I don't know if I'd ever. I love you, Mike, but I don't know if I'd feel you responsible enough.

Even though you're in Mensa. I'm a low-end mensa. You know what the low-end mensa is? This. I'm a low-end mensa. You know what the low-end mensa is? This. This is the low-end mensa. There's no low-end of mensa. There is a low-end because there has to be a super high-end. If Mike was on the Titanic, he'd be going, I can't figure out, do I go in the life raft or the water?

What do I do? Do you have instructions for a boat? If Mike was on a Titanic, it would have sunk before it got out of South Hampton. Yeah, well, Mike is used to a lot of big black things going down. Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm not going to say anything about that. Have you ever had interracial sex, Mike?

Yeah, I like black hookers. They're great. That was my first experience. With a black hooker? Down by Delancey Street in the early 80s. Get out of here. Oh, this I have to hear. So this is your version of crossing Delancey?

So you are on Delancey Street. Actually, Gilbert, it was me and a bunch of... Every great story starts out like that. Me and a bunch of guys from Staten Island took a van to the city. My friend drove us there. To the city? Yeah, right.

In a van. John Wayne Gacy was in a van. Did he say he was looking for his puppy? No, it was like... My friend in Staten Island has a windowless white van. It was like eight guys in a van. Young guys, like early 20s, teenagers.

It was fun. Eight guys in a van? Yeah. Oh, yeah. That's a great boy band. So what? You found a black poker? That was my favorite boy band.

My friend, eight guys in a van. My friend borrowed his van. The Backstreet Boys. My friend worked in a fish market, Fulton Fish Market. It just keeps getting better, doesn't it? Took his van to the city with us. He's like a special victim unit. We seen hookers all over Delancey.

So my friend pulled them over, right? He propositioned them. And then killed them. She was incredible. Nice girl, too. Now, did you guys go to her funeral? No, no, no. Because of the investigation. How many whores could you fit from Delancey Street in a van?

Probably a few. Actually, the door was open. Honey, I'm in Mensa. Blow me. No, but she was blowing me with the door open on the van on this side. My friends were getting banged by her in the back. Do you think while she's blowing Mike Bocchetti in a van, at one point she goes, God, I love heroin.

God, how much do I love heroin? Like, that's what... That could be a TV commercial. No, if there's a young girl out there considering trying heroin, just think of that. Think of that. She was blowing you in a van. But then we moved up in the world with hookers.

We're trying to 13th Street. Yeah, yeah. Well, 12th Street, 2nd Avenue. Mike, you should do a public service announcement saying, get on heroin and you'll be sucking my cock. All of a sudden, Mexico goes out of business. The cartels are like, business is down 82%. Get on heroin and get on my dick. If you go on heroin...

Hi, I'm Mike. If you go on heroin and I ask you to eat my ass, you'll say, sure thing. Thumbs up. Thumbs up. Thumbs up my ass. Oh, my God, that's so fucking funny. That would be the best way. And then cut to the kid in the wheelchair from Shriners.

I can't walk. It was cheap, though, too, in those days. Yeah, well, cheap, not for her. She paid a big price. Listen, I have to do something. I have to pay some bills. When this hooker was blowing you, was she thinking,

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No, by Blue Chew. Artie, well, listen, I've tried to, it's hard to stay hard during sex, right, Mike? I mean, come on. I'm always hard day and night. That's the creepiest thing I've ever fucking heard. Oh, God. I don't want to think about this. Well, then you wouldn't be a candidate for blue chew.

If you can't get hard, it's tough to stay hard. Especially... Well, imagine how hard it is for the chick's nipples to stay hard while she's blowing you in a van. Well, it definitely will increase my dick size. Well, guys, let's talk about sex. Good sex. Now you can increase your...

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I love free money. How'd you get that shirt? Free money. You like betting sports? I tell you what. Put your money where your mouth is. Put your money. I'll tell you where you put.

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you get paid. Boshetti, your thoughts? Oh, and Gilbert Gottfried's amazing colossal podcast is brought to you by Funeral Homes of America. We put the

fun in funeral. Remember, the first three letters of funeral are fun. Gilbert's podcasts are just, don't judge them by here. They're so entertaining. When you dug up Eisenhower and interviewed him recently. Yeah, you're coming up on.

December 9th. Yeah. December 9th. So just get your tickets now because it's going to be a big, big show. This is up there with the Oscars for a night in show business. When Gilbert and I get together, you ever see, as far as my success in podcasting, I've had nothing but failure. Ted Williams used to say, when he was a kid, he said, when somebody sees me walk down the street, I just want them to say that's the best hitter who's ever lived. For me, when people see me, I want them to go, that's the worst podcaster.

He's the worst that's ever done it. Well, listen, I got something I want to bring up. So Gilbert and I both do something called cameo. Oh, I see that. I was going to run you over. If you're a showbiz whore, this is absolutely the place. Unless you're a showbiz black whore, then you'll be with Mike in a minute. See, we do cameo, which is one notch below somebody blowing Mike.

It's almost like the ventriloquist act in Broadway Danny Rose. You guys are on there now. That's the important thing. I don't see you doing cameos in joints. You guys are on there because. Well, a cameo is if someone has any type of celebrity, like me and Gilbert, just the smallest amount. No, stop. And you're a fan.

If you own a television. People know damn well who both you guys are all across the globe. You know what your nose has in common with Olympic people? It's running right now. Yeah, we're both on Cameo.com.

How odd is it? You're in a room with Artie Lange and my nose isn't running. Your nose isn't bleeding. I've got the dream nose everyone wants. So, now what Cameo is, so you can, for me and Gilbert have the same price, $150. Everybody else. And for $150, this is how bad it's gotten. For $150 bucks, you can

get us to tape, like film. Why not? That much like they filmed Aladdin. That you could film. Gilbert and I will say anything you want. We'll say anything you want. Like, if you have an aluminum siding company, we will plug it. If you have a paving company, we will plug it.

And you get it and you keep it. You can play it wherever you want. If you want to threaten someone's life before you head over and kill them, have us do it. Right. They send it to Gilbert and I and the other pathetic people on Cameo. But it is such a good, it's a great service, though. The only thing I say no to is promoting stuff because that's when I go, no, I want to be paid more. I want a piece of the pay-of-income. Yeah, yeah, shit.

I don't mind. It's actually a great way to access your favorite celebrities. Now, Mike, you have to get on this. They rejected me, actually. Well, that makes total sense. Do you realize high-pitched Eric from the Stern Show is on it? They rejected Mike. I think he's made 70 grand.

Well, no, so, like, in other words, like, we'll see. Like, my friend's birthday's coming up. He's got a small dick. Can you call him an asshole? And also, I have a landscaping business that I want you to... We pulled one or two of Gilbert's. Oh, nice. Do we have those?

Let's listen to Gilbert's cameos. That's one. That's one. That's better. Gilbert was promoting a silent movie. Well, we try to... Well, also, Charlie Sheen does it, too,

which is... How the fuck... Charlie Sheen charges $500. Oh, yeah. Okay. Can you... What on the fuck... He had $200 million.

How the fuck is he on cameo for $500? Doesn't that fascinate you? That does. Yeah. I mean, he was making the biggest sitcom ever, 40 movies. How the fuck is he on Cameo for 500 bucks? Doesn't that fascinate you? That does. Yeah. I mean, he was making the biggest sitcom ever, 40 movies. His father's a millionaire from Malibu.

Like, he's talking about people. Hey, Nancy in Missouri. And he's one of those people, much like, you know, Shannon Dower. Right, right. They'll be in the news that, oh, there's so much trouble. Yeah. And then they'll get another series right after. Yeah, no, exactly.

Well, again, they're famous, unlike us. Yeah. All right. Like, yeah. Listen, I want people to hear this. Here's a cameo from Gilbert. Hi, this is Gilbert Gottfried, and this is for Jordan. Oh, no, my brother's a fag, but I'm not a fag. And, okay, Jordan, I have a very happy birthday, you big fag.

You want to say your brother's a big fag, but you're not a fag, but you're a big fag. Dave says you're a fag, and everyone who meets you says that you're a big fag. In fact, you know, you'll admit you're a Jew, and you'll say, no, I'm a Jew, I'm not a fag. You can be both. You can... Congratulations, Jordan. You can be both.

You can be a Jew fag. And that's what you are, Jordan, a Jew fag. At least your brother admits it. So you got to give him credit. Mitch it. So you gotta give him credit. But have a very happy birthday, Jordan, a.k.a. Jew fag.

And I'm also available if there's a death in the family. Do you think Oscar Schindler and the people he saved would be upset that for probably one of the families he saved, their grandchild is, for $150, he will call you a Jew fan. I mean, basically he'll call you Richard Simmons. Schindler's buried in Israel, actually. What is that? Is that a men's effect you're throwing at him? Schindler's buried in Israel.

What the fuck is that? Gilbert's calling his fellow people Jew fags. For $150. And the irony is so thick here because what Gilbert's doing is the reason... And Robin Williams is dead. What Gilbert's doing there is the reason Hitler hated his people. For $100, he's whoring himself out. He had two reasons for what he did.

One, me and that Jew girl who wouldn't blow him. Now, if she were alive and sent you a cameo, would you say, you Jew bitch, you should have blew Hitler? Look at the trouble you caused. Of course, according to Mel Gibson's father, only two million died. I love the fact that Mel Gibson's father said it wasn't six million, it was two million. Like, we're going to go, oh, what are we fucking getting excited about? Only two million.

Why don't we throw Hitler a party? It was only two million people. And you could see Mel off to the side going, Dad, no, don't help me. Isn't it fascinating that he knew that cop was a Jew in three seconds? Amazing. Amazing. Yeah. I think I could have told that with you if you were the cop.

Okay, now, what we were talking about before that, though, Charlie Sheen is actually on Cameo. Why? So, again, what the fuck happened? For 10 years, he's on the biggest sitcom since MASH. 80 movies, a rich family. And he's one of those, like, he got fired

from Two and a Half Men. And then he does... For having AIDS. Yeah, for having AIDS. Supposedly. And then he got on, and I did an appearance on that one. Anger Management. Where he had a deal where he was making 10 times. So supposedly the story with him is, I don't know if this is true,

that these hookers who he would fuck would see AIDS medication in his bathroom, take a picture, and blackmail him, like Michael Jackson. Every kid Michael Jackson fucked, he gave him $20 million. That's why he had a deal. That's why I fucked Michael Jackson. Where he gave him $20 million. That's why he had to do it. That's why I fucked Michael Jackson. I was going back... Where's my money? Okay, the defendant,

Gilbert, you're on the jury. The defendant, Gilbert, is a child molester. His name is Michael Jackson. Well, it's still in question. But I heard Charlie Sheen was... Just because children leave there and their assholes are bleeding doesn't prove anything.

Just because he's 53 years old with an amusement park in his backyard. Did Charlie own the show? He was getting $100 million. Charlie Sheen had to be worth $300 million. But did he own the show? I don't know, dude. What are you, a lawyer?

Oh, I think anger management he owned, I think. And he was making like 10 times what he was making on the other show. Was your episode the last episode? Because that's another way to say it. Another way of saying series finale is Gilbert's the guest star. And somewhere in the other world, Robin Williams is saying, I can't believe he's still working. Oh, I killed myself and he's alive.

He's still got the noose around his neck like this. What's happening? The parrot's still working. He's turning to God and saying, oh, you are cruel. Remember me, Mork, God? I came here in a giant egg. Mork to Austin. There are things that are very strange.

They allow Gilbert Gottfried to live. And Mike Buschetti to get blown in a van. That's how strong the drugs are. Mike winds up getting pussy. There's a surprise ending. All right. All right, so Charlie Sheen is also on cameo, what Gilbert just did.

Okay, here's a cameo from Charlie Sheen. Wes. Wes Sutton, my man. It Sutton. My man. It's Charlie. And this, this is courtesy of David motherfucking Hughes. That guy. Oh, I'm sad.

So, Rob, we're both here to wish you a happy 40th. Good for you. He's wishing a guy a happy 40th. You gotta keep going. Wes. Wes. Clearly, you are at Happy Point. Unlike me. What? Gaston, Alabama.

Now, you're in Alabama. I get loads of pussy and I'm a billionaire. I'm in Malibu talking to you in a numerous mansion. And ten girls are fighting over my car. So I thought I'd take a time out just to wish you a happy 40th.

I thought I'd take a time out from a Victoria's Secret orgy on the ocean of Malibu and wish a guy in Gaston, Alabama happy birthday! I'm out. I'm out! You're ready?

He's coming out, I heard. I like the effort he puts into it. I mean, it's like he's not even in the room. Yeah, yeah. It's like the FBI caught that on a mic

from two rooms away like Gotti or something. I feel like crying all night after the schnauz. Well, you're gonna do that anyway, right? Why should this be different than any other night? No, but the thing is, but how the fuck could he... Well, you're going to do that anyway, right? Why should this be different than any other night? No, but the thing is, but how the fuck could he...

Well, I know I'm saying, Mike, this should be something me and Gilbert are doing. Yes. No, people know both of you guys for a long time. Yeah, but I'm saying, I mean, Charlie Sheen has got... First of all, Sheen money. Yeah, but LL Cool J's probably on that thing too, on Cameo.

Do you ever wonder how Martin Sheen got so rich? Like, they grew up in Malibu wealthy. He wasn't like a... Those movie guys didn't make a ton of money. What do you get for a pocket? It's not probably 50 grand or something. How did Martin Sheen... They grew up insanely wealthy.

It's nuts. Emilio Estevez is Estevez, right? Yeah, Estevez. I love Estevez. Now, okay, you're on the jury. The defendant's name is Emilio Estevez. Guilty! The last two letters are EZ.

He's a great actor, Estevez, though. Well, great actor. He's a regular brand, though. You think he's a great actor? Boy, you are in men's art. I liked him in Young Guns and a couple of other things. She was great. Yeah, but he's surrounded by good people.

Young Guns, Casablanca are both on. It's Young Guns 2 or the Maltese Falcon. What are you going with that? What are you going with that? Young Guns was a good one. Young Guns or Citizen Kane. Do you know when people say

to a lot of people in Menzo, what's your favorite movie? They go, Young Guns. The most popular movie for people in Menzo is Young Guns. Or Bully with Rick Moranis and Tom Tom. Or Bully. Yeah, or Problem Child 3. Yeah, we've talked about it. A famous quote from Albert Einstein.

Unlike us, the quote is famous. Yeah. Albert Einstein said, Hey, not now. Young Guns is on. E equals Young Guns. Honey, you're almost done with the theory of relativity. Not now.

There's an Emilio Estevez film festival. No, no, we have a recording of Stephen Hawking. Can you turn on young guns on the television? Oh, God. Yeah, but Gilbert, the first one was... Emilio Estevez. You know, you never hear someone on Mensa say, how do you download the test for Mensa?

How do you send results back? How do you send the Mensa test results back? Hi, I'm the head of Mensa. How do you spell Mensa? M-E-N-S-H-A-K. That's matzah. You just know matzah. Maybe you remember a matzah.

No, but the thing is, you could be... I want to make an announcement about menza. Do I talk into the microphone? What's this for? No, but you could be... People could be brilliant when it comes to... Now, what does the on button on the microphone mean? What is this OFF? It takes me probably to the head for a job.

How many Mensa people do you think come from Statline? I'm the head of Mensa. I want to talk to the operator. What's her number? It's 911. He couldn't send the test results back. So how do you know how good you did? You got your mailman to grade it?

I got the actual test itself. How long did that take? Yeah, you passed Mensa. But then you shit in your pants. A lot of words. By the way, I heard that in poker people have a tell. If they get a good card, they blink their eye or something.

I heard yours is you violently shit your pants. You got an ace. I shit my pants twice getting drunk. I'm a master poker player. But when I have a good hand,

I let off a loud fart. Sir, here's your river card. Damn! I'm out! Go ahead. Mike has a read Mike has a promo don't forget and now

Mensa member Mike Boschetti reads a promo go ahead don't forget everybody all episodes of Artie Lang's Halfway House are free on the comics gym so go to www.comicsgym.com and shout out to Fanico for sponsoring us. Fuck.

Let me start that again. That's in the script. Do you have two hours? Yeah. No, wait. It's in the script. It goes, ah, fuck, and hit this. And then let me start that again. Actually, guys, a shout out to Fanico for sponsoring secure sponsorship. They're incredible.

And Pro Media Studios in Times Square, you guys are incredible. That's where we are, Pro Media Studios. Absolutely. Times Square, New York City. Fantastic job. And could you promote Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast? Gilbert Gottfried's amazing, colossal podcast? He's one of the best people in his business, and he's fucking hilarious.

Now, Gilbert, who would have to, what guest would have to cancel for Mike to get on? What do you think? It could be from Family Ties. Gummo Marks. The hooker that was blowing you crap. Clearly that woman,

Divine Brown? When you look at her, the word divine doesn't scream out. Brown does. Guilty! Guilty! See, now here's something. I guess it's something about men in general.

Benza? Yeah, no. Here's Hugh Grant, who could fuck Elizabeth Hurley anytime he wants. Absolutely. Yeah. And he wanted, you know, like Larry Holmes in a wig. I mean, that is odd. Right, Mike?

That's insane. Mike, if you could fuck Elizabeth Hurley, which of course would mean she was kidnapped. I don't know. I was on the gunpoint when I had her, actually. Well, I think Divine Brown moved to California because she had a bad experience on Delancey Street in the late 80s. No, early 80s, actually.

But I was on heroin at the time. Loaded, loaded, loaded. No, but guys, those days were super cheap. Super cheap. Get out of here. A black hooker on Delancey Street in 1978 was super cheap.

My whole love life was based on hookers in the early 80s. A whore junkie was cheap to get a blowjob from. Ten bucks in 1980s money. It's where Starbucks goes. Did you have a coupon? Coupon? It's $10 in 1980s money. It's where Starbucks goes. Did you have a coupon?

My father called them jupons. I got a jupon. Trademark that, guys, by the way. Whatever coupon it takes to get in, who cares? Yeah, well, get in her mouth. I mean, that is really... And all your all your friends was like a round robin? It was like Staten Island hoodlum buddies? Well, my friend Nick was a Marine.

The other members of the Gambino family? No, no, no. My friend Nick was a Marine. A psychopath Marine, yeah. Are there any other kind? Well, Mike was a Marine. You are a Marine? I never graduated, though. Then I surrender.

I can't call myself a Marine. I surrender. I can't really say I am one because you've got to graduate to become one. Well, no, no one thinks you are a Marine. It was incredible. Yeah, yeah. You look like a gravy seal. Did they use you for shooting practice?

How could you miss him? Our blind sharpshooters have hit Mike again. They'll be killed, but the minute they get off that bus, all hell broke loose. I'm sure the bus wasn't a fucking dream either. Where did you take a bus to? Parrish Island, South Carolina. From Staten Island?

No, no, they flour us down to South Carolina. Now, you were in the Marines? I joined the Marines. I'm going to be graduating. The story is you dropped a torpedo or something? No, no. What happened was, it's a long story. What happened, but when I got there... We got all the time. I failed at the Marines. Wait.

Do I hold a barrel of the gun to my eye? Son, are you in Men Mensa, you stupid idiot? No, but it was like full metal jacket, Gilbert. You're a comedian, private joker. Does the helmet go on my head? You Mensa member. I had two helmets to put on my head.

Mac, you Mensa member, the helmet doesn't go on your ass. And stop shitting in the helmet. You're in Mensa? I actually wrote a one-person show about it. If you're hiding out from the enemy, don't let off a loud fart. Now, did they have a problem finding something for you to hide behind? No, no. I was very thin.

I was in great shape. That's why we have Sicilies. I was very thin. I was in good shape. I was in great shape. That's why we have Sicilies. You can hide behind them. I was only 154 pounds. So this was the fourth grade? And you looked like Zac Efron. Zac Efron? I definitely was probably

a pile of full metal jacket. By the way, I heard the hooker who blew you was Black Efron? I definitely was probably the pile in full metal jacket for sure, though. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. By the way, I heard the hooker who blew you was Black Efron. She was actually hot. I'm Black Efron.

Guilty. She was actually smoking hot and cold. Let me, let me tell you something. I'm Black Efron. She was hot. I'm blowing people

for heroin. She was like the kind of chicks that are... She was hot. No,. She was like the kind of chicks De Niro... She was hot. No, but she was like the kind of chicks De Niro would go for. Like Patrick Ewing? No, no, no. De Niro goes for low-hanging fruit, doesn't he? It's like, they're not even hot chicks.

It's like the Cosby chicks. Yeah, but he had Tara Banks, though, I think. Yeah, no, he had Carl Banks. Is that Tara Banks or though, I think. Yeah, no, he had Carl Banks. Is that Tara Banks? No, it's Carl Banks. The outside linebacker for the Giants. You know, that is so odd to me that Cosby is like this again. And you met Cosby.

And, of course, what did he tell you about Asian models? Oh, yeah. This was a writer. A writer told me that Cosby had it in his schedule that at a certain part of the day, like 3 to 345,

he teaches comedy to Asian models. Ha! That's why they're so... That's insane. It so... Guilty! That's insane. It's fucking... Oh, God. That is...

I mean, think about that. That's why whenever you're with an Asian girl and she says, I'm seeing Lucy Liu at the Funny Bone. Yeah. Yeah, and she's a Cosby student. She's not even acting. Comedy.

In fact, when you have sex with Lucy Liu, she yells out, Hey, hey, hey. Oh, that's fucking fantastic. Oh, God. That's the funniest fucking thing of all time. To think of Lucy Liu doing Fat Albert while you're fucking her.

Can you do Rudy? Hey-ba-day-ba. You've been looking on the ground, ba-doob-a. I love that kid. Hey-ba-day-ba. Hey-ba-day-ba. Oh, my God. Lucy Liu and Fat Albert. Hey, hey, hey, Hey, B-Day. Oh, my God. Lucy Liu and Fed up.

Hey, hey, hey, it's Charlie's Angels. Well, this has been the last thing we'll all do in our career. Yes. But, Gilbert, we've come to the end of another. He uses the career lightly. As opposed to Mike, who does nothing lightly. Let me tell you something. I always have a good time with you. It's great to get together. More people would hear this if we said it in my kitchen. As opposed to Mike, who does nothing like me. Let me tell you something.

I always have a good time with you. It's great to get together. More people would hear this if we set it in my kitchen, I think. But thank you for being on. Again, plug your podcast because it's amazing. Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing Colossal Podcast. Podcast. Mike, Mike. I got rubbed off when you go with that.

Gilbert Gottfried's Amazing, colossal podcast. Oh, and moving the series. Wow. Yeah. Oh, and my website, gilbertgottfried.com. Both of us are on Cameo. That's right. Cameo.

Find me in Gilbert. Like 150 bucks, you can find us on. I'm already lying 67, I think. Could you guys push for Cameo with me or no? Yeah, we'll try to get you on it. You and HyperJeric. And my Twitter is RealGilbert. At TheRealGilbert.

There's no one funnier, one of my favorite human beings in the world, and I say human being lightly. But, Gilbert, thank you so much. This was so much fun. I'll be on Gilbert's podcast December 9th, so check that out. Mike, do you have any parting words?

And it's also, it's on Sirius and I think on iTunes. It's all over the place. Yeah, it's all... It's currently the 800,000th podcast on iTunes.

But I think, Gilbert, you're brilliant, you're genius, and nobody can touch you. You're a fucking idiot in this business. Having you called me a genius. Yeah, yeah.

Apparently no one can touch Gilbert, but you can touch Mike for 50 bucks. If you're black on Delancey Street with a heroin problem. Okay, guys. This has been another episode of Artie Lang's Halfway House. Coming up next,

the stars keep rolling in. Gino Bisconti will be here. And I'm Artie saying hasta la vista. Thanks, Gil. Later on.