Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 35 - BIG JAY OAKERSON

Episode Date: December 6, 2021

Artie spends time with stand-up comic and “Legion of Skanks” co-host Big Jay Oakerson!  Artie is also joined by the one and only, Mike Bocchetti.     Today’s episode is sponsored by Bluechew and Betterhelp.   www.bluechew.com promo code ARTIE www.betterhelp.com/ARTIE for 10 percent off

we're back with arnie lang's halfway house mike borchetti is joining us oh i want to tell you a quick funny auto story did he ever tell you this he said when he was a teenager he was on a show by South Ferry. And he got in a fight with some kid and some kid pulled out a pocket knife and stabbed George. Stabbed a puppet. Otto and George, the famous ventriloquist, I hear you saying. The guy stabbed

the puppet? Yeah, and you know what Otto did? He saw genius. He went, Ah! But the puppet got stabbed, right? That is genius. He goes, call the FBI. Get my lawyer. Stop that kid. Drag me out of the world when you need me.

Kill him. Now, did you work a lot with Otto and George? I knew him for a long time, yeah. I also did more. He, what do you call it? He used to love to go to Pips and Brooklyn and heckle people on a Wednesday night. Yeah, Pips and Brooklyn. That was a classic club. One time he goes,

I love George's voice. He was like, hey, pineapple head. That's what he called me on stage. He referred to you as a pineapple head? Yeah, George called me pineapple head. I feel the hair, the dyed hair, you look more like a pineapple now too. I was actually looking to look like,

hoping to look like Guy Ferrari. That's how you're hoping to look? Not a lot of people go for that look, but that's your dream look, right? Guy Ferrari? You know what my dream look would have been? I was going to get Max Hedgeland's hair cut.

Yeah, you don't want to do that. That's not even a person. No, but it looked cool in the 80s. What, like a flat top? Yeah, but we didn't have a lot of choice in the 80s. We only had three television channels. Yeah, but if you had a choice, if you go back to the 80s, I would for a bit.

Sure, for a little while. If I could time travel, absolutely. I'd visit the 80s. What part of the 80s? I'd go back to the early 80s, like 82, 81. Was that when you were in high school? I was in my early 20s. Is that when you got kicked out of the Marines?

No, that was 1981, wintertime. Now, why'd you get kicked out of the Marines? Well, I didn't get kicked out. It was like a mutual agreement that I decided to leave. They rarely make that deal with people. What brought that on? They didn't really call it.

They have a saying about Marines that didn't graduate. They called them Uncle Sam's misguided children. It was the plural. And you seem like you're the top of that level. Oh, yeah. The accomplices. And you seem like you're the top of that level Oh yeah I mean if you ever seen a movie Full Metal Jacket Pyle would have been my first cousin Is that what you had?

Did you have problems with other Marines? No not them the German instructors were all over me Yeah I can imagine They gave you a lot of shit Well here's what happened My friend Nick Was a full fledged Marine for three years Yeah, I can imagine. They gave you a lot of shit. Well, here's what happened. My friend Nick, God rest his soul, passed away. He was a full-fledged Marine for three years.

From 1977 to 1980, he went on the NATO cruise. And he warned me. He goes, this is oppression, man. He goes, you're not going to want to go there. They're going to eat you up alive. I was only 19. I was only 19. And at that point in your life You think you know everything

You're like I was like Thought I was going to be John Wayne Charging over the hill You know what I mean right Yeah it didn't work out I was like yeah

Okay You know right The minute I got there All hell broke loose Because the minute They got on the bus The drone struck And his pants were

Straight as an arrow Black polished mirrors Like Just like gunning For a metal jacket And these were his exact words. He said it calmly. He goes, you are now property of the United States government.

You are now in the United States Marine Corps. You have three seconds to get off this bus. Until we're gone, then I leave. Right? So the guys were pushing the showman to get off, and I said, let me take my time. Yeah. Pays yourself. Yeah. And so we had to run to the show for Prince

And the drawing instructor goes When you hear your name, you'll be like, sir, yes, sir He caught me running up to the Prince last minute And by mistake I went, yes, sir He goes like this, who's the motherfucker? I said, sir, yes, sir He said, sir, yes, sir You're Liberace

He got in my face, right? He called you Liberace? Yeah, he goes Then he goes, he goes, then he goes, he goes, so now your new name is going to be Milton Bradley. We're going to play so many games with you, idiot. You're back in line, you're malfunctioning. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da.

Right? Really? You got that in your face just because you were a little late? Yeah. Or because you tried saying something different? Something different? You know what else happened after that? What's funny is, those guys that met us there was called Receiving that received us. Weren't even our real drill instructors. Those guys were sent there to mess with us. Oh, okay.

We could tell, right? Our real drill instructor. Well, they said to me, he goes, hey, buddy, he goes, where do you meet your real drill instructors? We're here to mess with you guys. All our real drill instructors were what we called Vietnam vets who were the Tet Offensive Combat Marines or maniacs. Wow, really? Oh, yeah. You know what happened? One day, we had six minutes to shower, shave, and be dressed.

Six guys. Sixty guys, right? Six minutes? had six minutes to shower, shave, and be dressed Six guys, sixty guys, right? Six minutes? Six minutes To shower, shave, and be dressed There's a couple of hairs sticking out of my face He goes, what are you, General Grant Trying to grow a beard?

I ripped them out of my face It looks like you still have trouble With that part of your face Because you've got the red marks there Oh, you know what happened? I'll explain how I got a nickname, Space Cook I'll explain exactly how it happened My combination lock didn't work right from the second I got it

It was horrible I was sick from all of it and everything So one day I was in the chow hall That's where you go to eat You know, in lunch And I was still in my squad bag Which is the place where we stay barracks and we're still going to call it the squad bank in my underwear still trying to open it

oh my god he came back from me what the drill instructor yeah he made a special trip back from he knew it was me right he grabbed me like this one he goes he and the name just come out because they're the best improv actors around the world They just say anything that comes out of their mouth They have no editing system at all He goes, Spade's cooking That's when the name came out You're a rudimental raincoat, son He goes, next time I will kill you

Next time he'll kill you So he threatened murder People got beat up People got smacked, people got choked Oh yeah, the 1980s was Now what about you? smacked People got choked, oh yeah The 1980s was Now what about you, did you ever get choked? Yes, by him He choked you?

Yes The funny thing is, you know what I'd been going to a therapist for an awful few years I was going to mess with my therapist one day But I'd probably be sent away for life after that You know what I was going to do to him? He'd say, how are you feeling? I was going to get in his face and go, sir, every Marine's a rifleman, sir.

Why would you want to do that? Break his balls a little bit. Now, is that something else you would say? Every Marine's a rifleman? That's the saying you have. Every Marine's a rifleman, meaning it don't matter if you're behind a desk at clerk, working in a motor pool for trucks or cars or whatever, right? Every Marine is a trained rifleman.

That's what it means. It don't matter what your job is in a Marine Corps. You're still out ready to go grab that rifle and fight no matter what happens. This episode of Rodney Lang's Handball House is sponsored by Blue Chew. Get more confidence in the bedroom. Blue Chew's tablets more confidence in the bedroom. Blue Chew's tablets offer the same active ingredients as Viagra and Cialis, but in a chewable form.

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and my guest is The Oak. The Oak. Big J. Oakerson. What's up, buddy? What's going on, man? Not much. How you doing? Doing alright. In the city. Back at work crazy.

Yeah, I was looking at your current resume. You do a lot of talking there, brother. You got the show with Dan. How long have you been doing the show with Dan on Sirius? That's six years, Bonfire. Six years, my God. That flew by. Legion of Skanks is 10 years now. Is it really? Who named that flew by. Legion of Skanks is 10 years now.

Is it really? Who named that? Who named Legion of Skanks? My ex-wife. Did you really? Yeah. So it's funny. Me and Louis J. Gomez, who's my partner on Legion of Skanks. Love Louis. Excuse me. When we first became friends, a lot of it was him coming over my house and playing Guitar Hero. If you remember that game at all? Yeah, sure.

And what happened was when he came over one time, me and my ex-wife had a nasty argument while he was there. It was like a new friend, which is already awkward. She was accusing me of cheating, which I probably was. Yeah. awkward um she was accusing me of cheating which i probably was yeah and uh and when we were leaving walking out the door she like followed me outside and she was still yelling outside and uh you know she was like saying something she's accusing me of cheating and i was saying i was like fuck you i gotta go to work and she goes yeah work sure she goes go ahead run off to your Legion of Skanks.

And I went, fuck you. And then I turned around to Lewis, and I went, that's a great name for a band. That is. And then that became our guitar hero name, band name. And then every time we did something kind of moving forward, we wrote a script that we ended up calling Legion of Skanks years ago that nothing happened with. And then we started the podcast, and we're like, we call everything Legion of Skanks years ago that nothing happened with, and then we started the podcast,

and we're like, we call everything Legion of Skanks. Might as well just keep going. You got a lot of mileage out of that. Yeah, she's going to come knocking on the door for money for that eventually. Just get Mitch Agger's lawyer. He'll be fine. So anyway, I noticed you grew up in West Philadelphia, right?

Mm-hmm. Where is the Tower Theater? Is that West Philly? That's West Philly, yep. What is the street that leads up to the Tower Theater? Is that McBride Ave or something like that? Well, 69th Street's what it's on. Yeah.

That's the big 69th Street. I'm not sure what the cross street is on it. But yeah, that was where you'd go. 69th Street is where you'd walk down when you were younger to get your ear pierced without your parents' approval. MC Hammerpants and then go see Brian Adams at the theater.

No, but I'm saying I never saw more urban blithe in my life than leading up to the Tower Theater. It's pretty wild out there. It is. It is funny that it's still like a used theater for all kinds of shows.

Philly's all backwards in that way, though. They put places where they're going to have a varying degree of acts show up in a very terrible neighborhood. The Tower Theater is a great example of that. Right. Their amphitheater for Philadelphia is just in Camden, New Jersey.

So the funniest thing in the world is watching like a fish concert or something get out there and just like it's a feeding frenzy. Yeah. Well, something Yankee Stadium is in the South Bronx. Yeah. It's the same kind of thing. You see a bunch of fathers on Father's Day with their kids and you know squeegee guys and everything else following them around but there's nothing worse than seeing a father get chumped in front of his kids like taking your kids to a game and it's the first day you got to realize your father's not a superhero i remember uh that lesson in humility

my stepfather he was in his 60s now but he he was, when he was younger, and still is, but he was always like a weightlifter, kind of like what I consider to be a sort of tough guy. Right. And we went to the Philadelphia Zoo one time, which is, again, heart of West Philadelphia. It's a scary area. And we drove through Fairmount Park on the way home. Yeah. And that's like themount Park on the way home. Yeah. And that's like the big park in the middle of Philadelphia.

And they were having what's called the Greek picnic, which is the all black fraternities get together and party. And it was bumper to bumper traffic simply because everyone was just crossing the street and not giving a shit and doing whatever they wanted. giving a shit and doing whatever they wanted. And for about a half hour, while we were in the car, car running, like a bunch of like black fraternity guys just like sat on the hood of our car and like, because we weren't moving anyway, they just treated it like it was furniture

and watching my stepfather do nothing, as he should have, by the way, he should have done nothing. That's good advice. It was just a thing watching where you're like, oh, he can't protect us from anything. We all have to protect ourselves right now. He's good advice. It was just a thing watching where you're like, oh, he can't protect us from anything. We all have to protect ourselves right now. He's not Superman.

Yeah, he couldn't solve this problem if we wanted to. My father, he would drive, he's trading for a new Caddy every two years, my old man. So he never had a dime in the bank, but he always had a Cadillac. He never had a dime in the bank, but he always had a Cadillac. And, yeah, you know, so we would drive into Yankee Stadium, and the squeegee guys would go attack the car. And my father had this thing where he thought money was nothing but germs and stuff. He was OCD like crazy. And he would line up quarters on the dashboard

so he wouldn't have to touch them for the squeegee guys. He would say, go ahead. Reach in. He could reach in and get it. And they would reach in and get it. They would try to reach for something else. And my father was the most street smart, toughest motherfucker. He would just go, easy.

And they somehow knew to stop. Yeah, that's like a crazy now. Easy. Well, listen, I'm glad to see you, buddy. It's been a long time. Are you still doing stand-up every night?

No, I'm actually going to start a show back up at the Comedy Cellar soon. I'm going to host their nasty show they asked me to do to get more city stuff. I'm on the road so many weekends. You could probably appreciate this, too. Yeah. I've been on the road so much for the last couple years that in some weird way it's like affecting my joke like i have to do some spots so i can come up with some new jokes like you're on the road so much that you're just like you know

i'm just trying to find varying ways of doing this set and uh there's no more like kind of like that uh that oomph to like write anything so i am on the road a lot but i'm starting up a city show again really soon to start doing more spots here yeah we've done the road together you i think you came with me to pittsburgh that time and we did pittsburgh we did st louis st louis i did with you over there uh yeah man you know when you do the road you do you you have your act and you do it and you're like robotic after a while, you know? Right. And then you start getting tired of it. So it doesn't hit the same way, the jokes. So, right. And then I steer away from doing it. I always say to myself, I go, you know what? I'll do crowd work. Cause I'll get some material out of this and i don't right well you're you're brilliant at crowd work one of the best i've ever seen oh thank you yeah absolutely and uh but but with me with the road

it's just like that those crazy stern fans that yell out shit that i forgot i even said on the air like the yell out you pay that parking ticket in chicago i'm like what are you talking about oh that was the funniest i've always said uh the familiarity some people have and the way they present it that like you know uh they'll come to me about my daughter sometimes they'll say things like uh hey how's it about like in school so for you know and you're like what the fuck who are you you're like oh i've talked about it extensively i guess on the radio right and then the weird ones i had a people this is years ago actually and they never said her name which i thought was good this might have been before me and dan's bonfire show was happening this might

have just been legion of skanks but this couple came up to me they were both dressed like rambo part one right they were both wearing like army jackets, but you could see they were never in the army. They were kind of gothy looking almost, and they handed me a framed picture of a rabbit. It was insane. And they go, here, we named this rabbit after your daughter, and they gave it to me. And I, uh,

I packed it and brought it home and just threw it out here because I didn't want the bad juju before I hopped onto an airplane of whatever the evil they put into that picture. That was like a David Lynch scene. Yeah. Yeah. It gets creepy, man. Like,

uh, I've had, I've had people recently, uh, come up to me and say stuff like, Hey man, I'm just asking, you still doing heroin? And I'm like, hey, man, I'm just asking, you still doing heroin?

And I'm like, no. Okay, I'm just asking. I just put that out there. Because we wanted to hang. But yeah, you get a lot of Legion of Skanks people or more of the Bonfire? What has a bigger audience? I think it's like equal footing, honestly. I think there's so much crossover between the two

because they're both different. They're somehow different. I'm not even sure how that naturally happened, but Legion of Skanks is just like really diving into the gutter of comedy and Bonfire is more of like kind of the meeting of like what Legion of Skanks is. And like Dan's got a more, I think, like mass appeal. Yeah. Like brand of comedy.

Do you know what I mean? It doesn't. Right. It doesn't make so many people like wonder if they're allowed to like it or not. And so we somehow meet in the middle on that. And it's such a great thing because he's brilliant. And so. Yeah, he is. So it's really like it's fun.

And then somehow they kind of organically become different shows. That was my concern when I first started. When you're doing so many broadcasts like that, you're like, is one just like, am I just doing the same show with two people? But it's not. There's subjects weekly that come up that you're like, oh, this is definitely Bonfire. This is definitely, you know, Legion. I mean, Legion of Skanks says it's called like who's most justified using the N word. to come up that you're like oh this is definitely bonfire this is definitely uh you know legion i mean legion of skanks says it's called like who's most justified using the n-word that's not mass appeal no but it's here's the thing what's funny about it stuff like that which

i love which i think you're kind of a uh a master of too is not there's no genuine hatred in your heart in these things and especially in comedy oh sure for the most part so that's what's always put on it is that there's like you have some some kind of anger or hatred in your heart but it's not it's a it's michael chase played this game with us a bunch which so much to lose i think it's awesome he's done that but who's most just by using the n-word is three clips that we find off the internet where someone yells the N-word. And even though we say all, let's just go on the assumption that none of them are justified in saying it. But still, just the way the world works, one of them is most justified. If you don't agree with his justification you just gotta you gotta be able to

relate to one of them more than anything else right and uh it's such a fun game to play but like that's not really something like bonfire over on series xm i mean we'd have bosses talking to us about that no forget it when we first started there with howard they had a big meeting about what's the difference between obscene and offensive. All these different, these executives sitting in a room and saying, you can't talk about shitting in someone's mouth. You can't talk about shitting

on someone's fiance. You can't talk about... That's obscene. It's just this lawyer reading off a bunch of crazy fucking things that you can and can't say i i i for one don't love a lot of talking that's why the stern thing with me was uh as that sidekick i i loved it was a perfect amount i didn't have to carry the show and uh oh it's that's really you know it's uh not to interrupt you but only that i've

you know i do a third show the sdrDR show that I do with my partner, Ralph. Yeah, I did that once. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. You did that before. So it's like I do that show, too. And like that show, though, really is the only show I do where Ralph is the lead and I am the guy like all I do. It's some somehow some of the most funny broadcasting I've done because all I got to do is like snipe and fire. You know what I mean? Like Ralph moves the show along. That was me, yeah. He's got the subject.

He's got the subjects and everything. You know, the show's bonfire on Legion of Skanks. I'm required to come in with like things to talk about. You know, it's not just like jump in. Right. It's got to be my stuff. There was no preparation for what I did on Stern. Absolutely not.

He didn't want me to know what they were going to talk about because he wanted it to be spontaneous. But you're right. You get to just sit back and then, you know, if you get into a character, which is fun, you could just, absolutely, that's a perfect way to put it. Sit back and snipe and you get it going.

Oh, yeah. It's the best. Everyone was, uh, I was telling some comics in Philly that I was doing your show this week, and they were like, best years of Stern. Oh, yeah? It's inarguable. That's nice of you to say. Now, you reminded me of something we did on Howard that I forgot about,

where I was playing Sal, Sal the stockbroker's wife's emotional friend. Yeah. And you said you liked it, and I was really flattered by it because I trust your opinion more than anything. And I went back and listened to it, and I'm like, oh, my God, I can't believe I was that cruel. Sometimes you look back and go, oh, my God, how did he not shoot me in the head?

Oh, in the moment, yeah, when you're going at it, you're like, ah, so you're all right there? Yeah. You feel great? Absolutely. When you lose it. That's why, do you like talking, what do you like more, stand-up? I can probably answer this. Stand-up or talking on the radio?

The feeling of stand-up when, like, something connects, or, like I said, you think of something new, or there's a thing that, like, you know, from, like, Inception to performing it is, like, it hits. I think there's no better feeling than that. But, like, I do love the daily, like, I kind of liken the two, radio and stand-up, because they're both immediate, especially live radio. Right. It's immediate reaction still.

You're still getting that thing. And it's, I feel weirdly more pressured by radio than I do stand. I don't know why stand up doesn't make me feel pressured very much. I think I also know it's like a finite amount of time for each audience. Right. You know, I mean, versus like and you understand this was Stern more than anything. Like, and you understand this was Stern more than anything. It wasn't like you can go bring that same joke to the show tomorrow and it's a new crowd listening. You know, it's like that's where it's different. It's like every day it's got today's the day we do. Actually, when I'm done your show here an hour later, I got to be at Sirius for a prerecord that plays on Thursdays. And then we do a live one at 5 p.m.

And it's like four hours. You know, sometimes we got to eke an extra Legion of Skanks in there, but like four hours in a row, me and Dan will be there. And when we start at like 2 p.m., we really go, it's like, man, are we going to, is this even possible? Yeah, right. It's daunting. Yeah, and then, to, is this even possible? Yeah, right. It's daunting. Yeah.

And then, but you know, then you get going and it zooms by, which is what's great. Yeah. There were times on the Stern show when, you know, you know, all these people are listening and he signs in, says hello, burps. And I'm like, what the fuck are we going to talk about for the next five hours? We talked for like five hours and he's talking about something happened in his backyard with his parents and blah, blah, blah. And it always turned into something. You're right.

And by the time you get into a groove, you look up and all of a sudden an hour and a half has passed. Yeah. It's pretty amazing. I say I follow the Facebook group for Stern, I think Stern Fan Network or something. Right, yeah, yeah, yeah. Just because they post and I said, I do it mainly because when people are

nasty about either of my shows or just me in general, I try to look and I go, the most successful man ever at this basically has a group dedicated to saying he sucks dick. That's true. And I mean mean it's just so for every every day now their thing is i guess he has his uh his chick on a lot oh god now she pops on a lot on the show because they're doing it from home and it's just like like i said i'm still entertained

by it because i just like know the universe you know i mean it's almost like a warm blanket for some reason but i the complaints like i hear loud and clear do you know i mean i don't have them personally uh but like i hear the thing is like bringing her home like that group that facebook group is just they repost like her instagram pictures where she's like you know holding a cat holding a cat in a sexy way and stuff and it's not even the personal shitting on her they're just like they're like is this what the show is now talking about his wife's you know colonic and how she didn't even have any poop inside of her well that's extraordinary that is extraordinary i'd like to hear more about that person. He's got an interesting dynamic doing it from home.

I think that's what he wants to do forever, but I think very much so for the sake of the show. He's either going to have to stop doing the show or come in again at some point because he is disconnected where he's at. He is so disconnected from anything going on. Yeah, now that makes sense. I did a couple of things where they put an ISDN line,

or whatever the hell they call it, in my house, and I would do it from there sometimes. I would be a guest on other serious shows. And I realized that I just started talking about stuff that's so boring. And I'm like, I'm boring people to death about stuff because I'm looking at it in my house.

There's something about going to a studio, I agree with you that that makes it edgier oh absolutely it's like going into work and you feel like you have to like you feel like you're going somewhere to perform versus like right bullshitting with a friend in your house on a video phone it's ridiculous to me that that was even you know for the months we did that just like sitting in this room right here now and like you know obviously not millions of people i don't think but me and dan are just talking on a computer and like it's going out live in every car you know off the line at this point yeah so like that's pretty uh that's pretty amazing. No, I think Stern, maybe he'll come in, maybe he won't. But his thing, it is funny that it's like the show's an apology tour almost now in some way. Like the whole show is just like, you know, it's funny. It's very funny still in a way.

But it's like, you know who rules? Kelly Ripa. Oh, God. It's just like, and by the way, it's like sure it's like you know who rules kelly ripper oh god it's just like yeah and by the way it's like i'm sure she's a doll whatever but like at the same time you're like really yeah she's a doll but i think he went from hanging with nobody in his life by his own description really ever to you know just celebrities that's all he was really seeing then. And his only reason to kind of get out of bed, like he's not going to go to his friend, you know, he's not going to go to Dr. Lou's like Sunday little soiree.

Do you know what I mean? But he'll go to fucking Seinfeld's. Yeah, absolutely. No, Howard is, again, he's a master of change too. He's reinvented himself a bunch of times. But those haters, man, they are vicious. They are vicious. There is hate mail that would come in, and this one woman hated Beth so much,

and she was obviously just like this ugly fucking broad who would write the most nastiest letters. And Howard wanted to read them on the air, but he couldn't. They were so nasty. Like, he'd go, I can't actually read this. The only time I ever saw him not do a—you talk about people who lose their edge. He wouldn't do an Ashley Madison spot where they show you how to cheat on your wife. Yeah? He wouldn't do it. So madison spot where they show you how to cheat on your wife yeah he wouldn't really so he made me read it that's really funny because he didn't want to promote that he didn't want to say the guy that's

why i said the worst thing this has come up recently you know and so when a friend of yours either has gotten caught cheating recently or whatever it is, they're just in a relationship in an early phase enough to where they haven't even considered being, you know, they're just super in love right that time. Right. And then saying things in front of you and your girlfriend where they're like, dude, you know, the greatest feeling marriage is leaving my phone around and just like not even caring. She can go through it whenever she wants. And I'm like, okay,

there's no reason to be saying this out loud to everybody we get it yeah he goes man i just like oh it's so gross do you know some guys actually do cheat on their wives yeah as you imagine i i think the guy uh the guy running it got into a bit of a bunch of trouble but um well they they released they got hacked and I think the emails all got released. So, like, people were finding out their husbands and wives were cheating on them through this supposedly, like, the safest way to do it thing. Yeah. Well, that whole thing with hacking people's accounts,

like Ari Shaffir got into trouble for what he said about Kobe Bryant or something. Yeah. You know, and he tried the excuse, somebody hacked into his thing and did it. Yeah. That doesn't work. Oh, it's funny. Michael Che does it all the time.

Whenever he tweets something or Instagram something, it gets like negative traction. He just wrote, damn, hacked again, guys. Sorry. And the thing is, you know, these idiots and these are the best. Like the lack of sense of humor, entertainment writers or blog writers and Slate magazine and all that garbage. Right. or blog writers and slate magazine and all that garbage right uh the people who write those like they lack they will tell you constantly that they have the best sense of humor but this is different but they have no sense of humor so them writing things about that they'll be like and then he went

on to give the excuse that he was hacked now you know while we know that's possible that happened but i don't think that's what happened here exactly because they don't they're so stupid they don't even get that he was making the joke that i got you know it's like oh it wasn't me yeah and like uh and there's a debate about that it's so funny like that's how like uh like they can't even see it's like oh i look a little silly now i took that way too seriously that never gets said no but but you're right they have absolutely zero sense of humor and it's it's distressing because people listen to them and oh it's it's insane you know it's funny in uh in syracuse like a week and a half ago i had a lady it was profound to me the first maybe the first in 23 some odd years of comedy yeah that a uh

that an audience member like completely admitted flaw in themselves not like in being like loud or shitty but like in what they were thinking right uh she i made some there was some old couple and i said your wife's beautiful and he was he was like, you wish or something like that. I was like, I was like, Oh yeah, dude. I was like,

I'd bang, I'd bang your wife. And he was like, uh, and he was like, ah, she doesn't do mercy fucks. And I was like,

none. And he was like, nope. And I was like, but let's just take me out of it. I go, there's a, like a St.

Jude's kid. Who's just too old to care about Disney world here. And, uh, and she's just going to be like, beat it you bandana head just some kind of like insensitive thing and the lady in the front row starts shaking her head and like kind of saying no and i was like no what and she was like now stay away from the saint jude's kids like stay steer clear of that I went what do you mean she goes steer clear of the St. Jude's I go I was completely clear of the St. Jude's

and she wasn't getting and then I explained to her I was like you know this is my fault because I go I always try to explain this and while the crowd enjoys it Miss I know think you're about to hate my gut like this is how this works you hate my guts after this but I go I have to point out the stupidity of this always

even if it fails me but i was like there is no saint jude's kid here you know i mean i'm like i'm like it doesn't exist i'm like i'm like this is a fictitious thing we just said i go it's not right and like a minute of describing this she was like and she wasn't doing the uh all right whatever whatever just move on i think she was she was like me, she was like, no, you're right. That was ridiculous. It was completely made up. I don't know why I got that. But I was like, miss, you are the smartest human being I've ever performed in front of. Congratulations.

Congratulations. You know, I noticed in your bio here, it says you did This Is Not Happening. Please tell me you told that Greg Gass story. No, no. The only time I've told that, like in a real public thing, and it's great because it did make a, they made some YouTube clip out of it. I went as a guest on Opie's show.

Yeah. After Opie and Anthony, when it was just Opie. Yeah. And I went Anthony, when it was just Opie. Yeah. And, uh, I went on there and told it and, uh, or what it was,

it was like, uh, Craig, I think Craig, that's what it was. Like they, they were playing, uh,

audio. That's what it was. They were playing an audio of Craig gas telling the story himself. Yeah. Yeah. He, he tells it really well. You both tell it great.

Well, his is a hero story. Yeah. Uh, he tells it really well. You both tell it great. Well, his is a hero story. Yeah. Superhero. Mine is a friend being horrible story. But yeah, Craig Gass, he told the story on Opie. And then I, they go, we'll play it back for you. I go, okay.

I go, I'll let him say it. I'll listen to his version and I'll stop it whenever it gets to a point that's like I disagree with something or I could tell you the actual fact here. Right. And I mean, the funniest thing about it was, I think why it made its own clip so good, is right out of the gates he was just like you know he was like we were seeing metallica something like that he's like we're seeing metallica and i'm like stop it was like lincoln park i don't think it was that example but it was like it was something like right out of the gates i was like stop there's already something wrong we're seeing metallica and yeah right away it was wrong but uh but after it's funny after i told like again that publicly and also craig being we're seeing Metallica. Yeah. Right away it was wrong.

But after, it's funny, after I told her, like, again, that publicly, and also Craig being older and I think having, I think, two heart attacks. Yeah. Has seen life. So when I saw him after that, even, he was like, or I think he reached out to my ex-wife too, and he was even like, I'm really sorry. That was like, like hearing that story back, was that was not cool yeah and it's it's it's one of the best stories ever actually uh can you briefly

tell it oh sure yeah it was uh my ex-wife had graduated law school we got a we got a babysitter uh for the night. Cause Craig had all these like backstage hookups for concerts. And he's like, we're going to go see project revolution in Philadelphia. It was corn. And this is Lincoln park. This is Candace.

It's the Camden amphitheater. We were saying, yeah, it makes it even better. It doesn't make it better actually. Cause the surrounding scene was, was great. We go to this concert.

Craig stayed at my house the night before speedy fashion to say we found out from our roommate in the morning that I guess he did coke off our coffee table because he was like you saw it there but uh you know I think a baby of a daughter living in the house so I was like all right I didn't say anything about that we get to the concert we park out sort of by where the tour buses are craig knows enough people that we get by the tour buses he is the most hooked up motherfucker in those situations yeah we go to um so yeah we go to uh watch the show for a while at some point he just goes hey man can i get your car key i left

my phone charger in the car and i was like yeah sure i didn't think about it i gave him the keys he went back and he came back like an hour and a half later or something he was like he came back he's all flushed in the face and he was like uh he was like oh hey man he's like guess what he didn't like like think he was hiding or anything he goes oh man he goes i just uh you're not gonna believe he goes i just had sex with three chicks and i was like oh great you know i'm with my i'm with my you know wife too so i'm also going like oh dude you're crazy man uh and then i started to think for a second i was like wait i was like where in my car and he was like yeah he was so he was so pleasantly happy to tell the story yeah yeah and he uh what else would he be doing in your car meant nothing to him yeah

and uh so then i was complaining also i was young it was my first new car ever and it was like a you know a hyundai santa fe so it was it was a it might as well have been a fucking escalade to me you know young and broke so uh i was like dude no you didn't come on i'm like really upset with him as we're walking to the car. I'm like kind of yelling at him. And then we get in the car and we noticed one, there's muddy footprints all over the seats. Oh God.

Um, but my, my wife was a comic comic strip waitress at the time still. So she had her weekend cash $400 the glove compartment because she didn't want to bring all that into the place um a piece of jewelry was stolen that she had that i don't know why that was in the glove compartment and then uh a couple other things were just like taken but they left their cell phone in there you dumb philly bitches um they left their cell phone in the car yeah so i told craig to call them and like you know tell them to come get their phone and don't say like

you know anything's missing and when they uh he called them and when they came back a minivan pulled up and three girls got out and i was like all right and they start like uh asking for their phone and i start right away, asking for their phone, and I start right away just cursing them out and trying to get my shit back. Right. Then two of the three girls' husbands come out of the van and start walking over,

and now they want to know what's going on. These girls were trying to do a quick, like, okay, give me the phone, please. We're out of here. We're out of here, you know? And the... what's going on these girls were trying to do a quick like okay give me the phone please we're out of here we're out of here you know and the uh yeah and i was like and i was uh furious about losing the stuff and this husband comes down what's going on and i can't wait to tell him i go i don't know like your pig wives fucked my friend in my car and then they took a bunch of my shit and he's like what and and the girls are

like no he's lying i'm like i'm not lying i go to my craig am i lying and craig was nervous on two fronts poor craig because i was i was prepared to hit craig i was so angry yeah yeah and uh and and this guy i'm almost angrier craig than i am at this guy. Right. The girls first and foremost, but then Craig and then that guy. If you had to list it. If I had to list it. So Craig's, you know, Craig goes like, yeah, it's true. And then the guy's kind of like flustered and like furious. Now it's confirmed.

That guy's digesting a lot of shit. His wife just cheated on him and she stole money and joy he's processing all of this and not well and it's funny he just wants to his instinct is he wants to leave he's a big guy too and he goes he goes girls he goes he goes get your fucking phone let's get out of here my ex-wife had the phone and i took the phone from her and did what it would have played out as a very badass uh well i've got the phone now i go who wants to come fucking take the phone from her and did what it would have played out as a very badass uh well i've got the phone i go who wants to come fucking take the phone from me right and that husband couldn't have stood in front of my face quicker uh and i was just immediately new in my heart i'm like he's got a lot more fury than i do in this right now you know i mean like yeah i'm

four hundred dollars down uh and car wash angry yeah right i'm like this guy's like his life probably just fell apart you know i mean they probably have kids and all this goofy shit so um it's like when i almost like luckily as soon as he kind of got steps up my thing the cops pull up and stop the whole thing and they they let the cops let them go that's where it gets fighting the cops let them go and then when they pull away underneath their truck was all of our belongings minus the money underneath the truck so no money got revamped no but they the stuff was under there but but we saw it and we said like yo the cops were like yo look there's the stuff and then my what

my ex-wife saw was some of the other things they took were my daughter's toys which is weird oh god then she terminator 2 ran down the street uh and literally jumped like grabbed the like luggage roof of their truck when they turned a corner like the cops stopped them and uh and arrested them all we go to the press charges at the place so it continues oh yeah craig by the way me and my uh ex-wife are just sitting there like man i can't believe we gotta do this my daughter's at my mom's house in philly we still have to go get her and uh we're sitting there craig in a corner literally doing Sam Kinison for the cops. I remember me and my wife

looking over at that. I go, where the fuck is Craig? Why are we sitting here? Where's he outside? And you look over and he's going, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. And the cops are all like,

oh, yeah, you rule. That's fucking great. He's doing kinesin for the cops. Oh, and then the cops say. These are Camden cops. Yeah. It's great. So they end up letting them all go.

They say after we leave, there was that guy almost got his hands on Craig at one point. Craig did not have a lot of street savvy in that night. I was really surprised by that. We got on an elevator at the end, and the husband jumped in the elevator with us. Really? Me and my ex-wife and Craig. Yeah. In the police station, though, it's like going down like two floors.

And the guy goes, so he's like, my wife sucked your dick, right? She sucked your dick? Oh, get out of here. And Craig's like, yeah. I never heard this part. He's like, she sucked your dick good, huh? And he started going, he goes, she sucked it good, right? She sucked your dick good.

And I'm like, I don't think Craig sees it. I'm like, dude, I mean, Craig's from Arizona. sees it i'm like dude you know i don't i mean craig's from arizona maybe it wasn't like as rough a town in some degrees but i was like craig you don't see this guy's like getting ready fuck he's he's getting himself gassed up to punch you like he's trying to fuel himself he's giving that thing you know i mean he's like saying the stuff to himself to make himself have the uh you know the the gumption the fucking sake in a police stage it's the newt Rockne speech. So I was just kind of like, dude, what's up?

I'm like, what's going on, man? And then the elevator doors opened. Wow, I never heard that part. The cops kind of jumped in. Yeah, well, and then the punchline of the whole story to me is how of a doof Craig was at that time in his life. I do think Craig's changed a lot, actually, which is great. But at that time in his life. I do think Craig's changed a lot, actually, which is great. But like, yeah, at that time in his life, we were driving back. We picked up my daughter crazy late for my mom's house.

We're driving up the Jersey Turnpike back to New York. And and not jokingly, at exit nine, New Brunswick, New Jersey. I just always remember it just like struck me that like a stress factor where he said it, though though was like there was enough of a ride left to like this would be like a joke you'd make at the very end in the middle of the ride he leans forward he goes those chicks were hot though huh

were they I describe them and still remember them as three girls who would fuck Craig Gasson a Hyundai Santa Fe at a Korn concert I mean you can almost draw that in your head when I say it as three girls who would fuck Craig Gasson, a Hyundai Santa Fe, and a Korn concert. I mean, you can almost draw that in your head when I say it. Let me tell you something. I did the road with Gass quite a bit back in the Stern days, and he would go for low-hanging fruit, man.

Oh, yeah. There's anything. He would fuck anything. I mean, the skankiest, or the Legion of Skanks, but the fucking doggiest, homely, just bitch he would go for. Yeah, it was also, back in his drug days more, too, when I would go on the road with Craig,

I was pretty, I was like 24 maybe, which isn't young, but especially being 43 now i do see how young that is and so many of my first like situation like i'd never at that point in my life i started comedy at 19 weirdly enough though i was never in like motel-y like coke hangs right like okay and just like not understanding it's like when you find out like you know your dad smokes pot or something so i kind of liken it to like craig at one point like he's like i got some people coming back to the motel room that we're splitting by the way yeah uh yeah and i go not splitting financially even i mean just like we're both in it yeah um but two beds and craig's

like yes people coming back and then i'm like oh I'm thinking like some chicks maybe or something this is great and it's just like two guys and like like leather jackets bunch of guys who look like Reverend Bob Levy yes yes and they would come in and then it was just like

oh what's are these guys bringing fun or something and then just people doing coke and just like me being the guy like I'm gonna go smoke a cigarette outside and call a girl or something but it's weird when it was never seated to me but anyone ever suggested like why don't we get hookers i'm like now that i know is a cdi i understand yeah yeah yeah i mean you know i get have the party for both sexes at that point yeah Yeah. Boy, that is, that is a great story. That is a great story to have in your repertoire. So,

uh, so where are you off to next brother? Where's the next stop? I'm a stress factory this weekend. Oh, cool. And, uh,

relive a part of that story. Yeah. Exit nine. And then, uh, and the exit nine. And then, uh, and the exit nine. And then, um,

I'm Providence comedy connection on, uh, New Year's Eve weekend. And then starting January, I'm all over the place pretty much every weekend for the first quarter of the year. That's great, man.

I'm gearing up to do a, I'm going to do a special in Philly in the summertime. And, uh, at the TLA, the TLA Theater. Oh, great, yeah. Which you know, but the TLA is great for me because it's, I always thought it was neat. It's two blocks from where the comedy club was that I started comedy in, and it's where Dice did his first, like Dice Man Cometh. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's right. He's done there. That's right. TLA.

Legendary place. Well, I can't thank you enough for doing this, Greg J. Oh, Artie, it's so great to see you, man. I've missed you a lot. Yeah, I'll be around. And, you know, how's Christine doing? She's doing great. We just finished putting together, we just finished Skank Fest South, we did.

Oh, yeah, you did it in Houston, right? In Houston. It was unbelievable. What a success. So we hope to see you at the next one if possible, man. Yeah, well, I did stand up at the one in New York. Yeah. And it's great to see that you got that connection with the guy because

tommy was telling me my manager time was telling me that you sold that out pretty quick in houston it sold out like the first day the tickets were available yeah and we had about like we had almost 2 000 people there it was pretty amazing like and all the most touching thing was like 2 000 people with like 1700 of them coming in from somewhere else. Right. You know what I mean? Like from far away. It's like the dead.

Yeah, it's pretty cool. Like the dead, but less respectful. More like the juggalos. You don't disrespect the juggalos. I know that. No. No, you don't. If you want a case of Fela or whatever that's called.

Yeah, Faygo. Faygo, yeah. If you want a Faygo to the face. We had Silent J and what the hell are the other guys' names? Silent J. Or Silent Bob. No, not Silent Bob. We had the two guys from Insane.

Oh, Violent J and Shaggy 2 Dope. And Shaggy 2 Dope. And Shaggy 2 Dope. We had them in, and they were talking about a concert where they're throwing bottles of Faygo, like they lasso them into the crowd with a huge boomerang. And it's going at high speeds,

and a full two-liter bottle hits some kid in the face. And the kid is like, you know, got major injuries and he ended up suing them and Shaggy 2 Dope said, come on you fag,

you can take it. Come on you fag. I performed in the Gathering of the Jungle O's twice. Did you really? Doing comedy and a devoted sect of fans, I'll tell you, that guy Shaggy 2 Dope pulled up one night on a golf cart next to a lake where it was part of this campgrounds they were on.

And he just goes, he's smoking a cigarette, and he goes, I'll give $20 to the first uh who pulls me a fish out of that lake and it's a bunch of differing varies of morbidly obese people jumped into this lake and then sure as shit some kid comes out holding a fish in his hand that was jerking around and he's screaming like like but like fear screaming and holding this fish and throws it down and the guy just pulls out a 20 and gives it to him and drives away. The last time I was in with them at the Stern Show,

Violent J was defending Shaggy Tudor. Shaggy Tudor was on probation for punching a woman in the face. Punched a random woman in the face and Howard said, Howard goes, you punched a woman in the face? A woman? And Violent J trying to defend Shaggy T, Howard goes, you punched a woman in the face, a woman? And Violent J trying to defend Shaggy Tudor goes, man, we ain't talking about no petite bitch.

We're talking about a big gorilla head looking bitch. And she was asking for it. Shaggy Tudor, I know she disrespected him. He had no choice but to smack her. But the way he said he said we ain't talking about no petite bitch yeah i didn't assume uh you can look up on like uh like even like porn hubs or something you can look up like gathering of the juggalos and they have like they're like you know wet t-shirt or you know nude contest and it's just like there's always but even the ones where you're like wow that girl's got a

smoking hot body like too bad she has you know a Freddy glove tattooed on her entire stomach there's always something like that that fucks it up yeah a tattoo of her dead brother on her neck I was with a hooker once that had a tattoo of her dead brother

on her neck and she was blowing me and it looked like and she was blowing me, and it looked like her brother was blowing me, like the way the... Yeah, his cheeks would puff up? Yeah, the cheeks would puff up. Be expanding back and forth, and be like, oh my God.

That's disconcerting. Yeah, hey Darnell. Yeah, that's Jamal. He's passed. Yeah, sorry you got into a fight after that JV basketball game had sex with Greg Gass in the back of a car

at a corn concert hot that's it corn hot alright listen thanks a lot Jay I appreciate it and keep kicking ass brother you deserve it the hardest fucking work are in comedy. Oh, man.

Thank you so much. I hope to see Flesh and Blood soon, man. Yeah, I'll be around, and you take care. Best to Christine. Indeed, brother. Talk to you soon. Later.

Later on, Jay. And thanks for listening to Artie Lang's Halfway House. Make sure to go to patreon.com slash Artie Lang to get the exclusive Thursday episode. Make sure to share this episode with everyone you know. As Arty says, take care and brush your hair. Ha ha ha! We'll be right back. Thank you.