Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 4 - GINO BISCONTE

Episode Date: December 5, 2019

Comic Gino Bisconte sits in to discuss sports gambling and takes aim at Mike Bocchetti.  Presented by TheComicsGym.com. BlueChew - get your first shipment free at bluechew.com and use code Artie  �� MyBookie - Get a 50% bonus on your deposit at MyBookie.ag and use code Artie at this link http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie

We're back! Another episode. We have lasted at least four episodes. This could be the last one. I'll tell you why in a second. But I'm here with my... This is Artie Lang's Halfway House. Artie Lang's Halfway House. I was in a crazy halfway house. That's the premise of the show. So we're going to have Halfway House. Either people who are in a halfway house or belong in one. They will be on the show. And speaking of which, my co-host in every show is the great Mike Boschetti.

Thank you, Artie. We're going to start a segment, absolutely. We're going to start a segment called Boschetti, Your Thoughts. A niche. We're going to bring up a comment or any subject, any current subject, or whatever subject. I like the Rain Man like that. You mean like what he called

a shape 52? That's not even close to what I'm talking about. So, and I'll just say something. I'll say, listen, I'll say gay marriage, Bochetti Your Thoughts. It's up to them. Absolutely. See, that's what I'm saying. So, this is going to be an informative educational show as well, but Mike will always be here with me. Absolutely. See, that's what I'm saying. So this is going to be an informative educational show as well, but Mike will always be here with me, my guest today.

Now, listen, this proves – people say to me, Artie, who are you going to have on the show? And is it going to be people in show business? This proves not always. This proves we're going to mix it up. Will it always be comedians? No. No, it won't.

Then this show proves it. We're not just going to be, oh, we're going to have big stars like Gilbert Gottfried and you know, my aunt. We're going to mix it up with some people that I want you to know. Because my buddy Gino Bisconti is here.

And one thing Gino is, he's not famous, but he is... Hard worker. Funny as hell. He's one of the funniest people I've ever known. And he's ballsy, he's not famous, but he is funny as hell. He's one of the funniest people I've ever known. And he's ballsy and he's not some pussy. No, he's not at all. He's not some gluten-free muffin guy. He's an insane alcoholic.

Thank you. Wait a minute. One of the reasons why he's a Charger fan. Gino Biscotti. Gino, thank you, buddy, for doing this. Thank you for thinking of me. It's good to get the band back together, motherfucker. You're hitting clean up, bro. Oh, dude. Yeah. Mike is trying to get his lap band back together. Oh, no. And you for thinking of me. It's good to get the band back together, motherfucker. You're hitting clean up, bro. Mike is trying to get his lap band back together. And you're not a Guido

at the Italian Sunshine Awards. I haven't gotten any smarter since we got here. You're not a Guido at the Italian Sunshine Awards. A couple of questions. Are you an assistant coach now for the Chargers? Gino was brought up in Delaware, home of fun, and you're a Charger fan, which is just...

It's a nightmare. Bad parenting. No, it's... Also a degenerate gambler. Yes. I grew up in Jersey. Oh, you did? Vineland?

But I started comedy in Delaware, but Vineland. That's where everybody goes. And I've told this story countless times, and it doesn't take long to tell. When we were kids growing up... Thank God. Yeah. Late 70s, early 80s. Yeah, yeah.

We did the Catholic thing. We were altar boys. We went to see the family. By the time we got home... Blew them Thank God. Yeah. Late 70s, early 80s. We did the Catholic thing. We were altar boys. We went to see the family. By the time we got home. Blew them on senior. Yeah, blew them on senior. No, I was an ugly altar boy. Right, right.

By the time we got home, it was 4 o'clock, Chargers are the late game. You got the Eagles, NFC early. So network scheduling is why you've had a life of torture.

Yes. It's been a nightmare this year especially. Were you guys fighting in the car on the way home from church like us? Me and my brother? Yeah. Your whole family would be like arguing and fighting you guys fighting in the car on the way home from church like us? Me and my brother? Yeah.

Your whole family would be like arguing and fighting on the way home? Not on the way home from church. Why? You guys are Italian. You should be telling somebody in the car. Now, the reason Gino was here is, of course, to fight with me. No, no, no. Because he's funny.

And I want my funny friends to comment on certain things. We did this with the first show. Mike, I want... So we're testing the microphone, Gino, the other day. Right. Mike, take a piece first show. Mike, so we're testing the microphone, Gino, the other day. Mike, take a piece of gum. They say to me, does it sound all right in your ear?

Oh, fuck, I can't open it. I got it now, I think. Men's a member, Mike. I'm a half a men's a member. You ever heard the phrase... Tell me the camera. Wait, if the camera was on it for that, then I'm glad we pulled it to make sure that was on camera. Because the world needed to see this guy try and put four pieces of gum into his mouth.

The engineer says to me, does it sound good? And here's what I hear. I'm going to wash them. Jesus Christ. That is so gross. Oh, my God. You know, you can use your thumbs when you open things, Mike. It's what keeps you ahead of the monkeys. Yeah. Oh, my God. You know, you can use your thumbs when you open things, Mike. It's what keeps you ahead of the monkeys.

Yeah. Oh, you bet. Evolution hasn't gone to Staten Island yet. No, that came here yesterday. You're no neck and no neck with them. Oh, no. Now, Gino, because we have to kill three seconds, what have you been doing? I'm over at Compound Media.

Yes, yes, my old job. Yes, I don't have your old job. Well, I'm saying, you know. I'm fucking up my job over there. I want to thank Compound Media, of course, the Anthony Kumi show. Now it's Anthony and Dave. Dave. Right.

I saw the Artie and Dave show a couple weeks ago. It was a great app. That's right, that's right. Anthony Kumi, I think, is HIV positive, which is what happens when you go to hookers in Times Square. Is Anthony okay? Has he gotten back to work? I was listening to the show on the walk-in.

I love Anthony. His voice is still a little gravelly, but he's good. He's good. Does he have bronchitis? What's that? Bronchitis, you think? I don't know, Doc. What do you think?

Well, Mike gets bronchitis every other week. Yeah. Which tit do you get it in? Both of them, actually. Because I'm telling you, there's a lot of swelling. And you may have chronic bronchitis. Is he still chewing the gum?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, let me bring it in. That's all right. Do whatever you want. It's your fucking show. The show is you can't fuck up on this show. Okay, but the thing is,

he might have chronic bronchitis or an upper respiratory. Okay. Thank you, Mike. It's the drinking game. It's the drinking game. Every time he gets a word wrong, he said, I can't even say Caligula like he said it. No one can.

No one can. It means little boots in English. No, no. It means Caligula in English. You know, he has worse pronunciation than that guy Kato from the Peter Sellers movies. From the Pink Panther. What the word did he? Oh, he couldn't say bronchitis.

He said bachitis. Bronchitis. There you go. Wow. That's impressive. Up respiratory. Wow, that was impressive, though. He said respiratory.

You're going toned up. Maybe gum is the answer. Maybe if you have gum, you speak like John Cleese or something. What a famous philosopher. If I have gum, I'll sound like I'm at the Cornell. The famous philosopher put demosthenes, put pebbles in his mouth. Oh, demosthenes. He said that right.

Cockerties. Cockerties. I got the gum is magical. He said demosthenes without patting an eye with it. Demosthenes. He was trying to say Dominique. I can say words pretty well. But maybe gum is the reason you have, you know, maybe you need to always chew gum.

You're the direct opposite of most human beings. Think about it, because the gum, and I'll be serious, it distracts you from your mind, and you're not thinking about the words, so it just comes out the way it's supposed to come out. And when you're Mike, everything should be a distraction. He just won't be able to walk while he's doing it. You want to distract yourself from your existence. Oh, no. But so compound media, let me explain why I was fired from Compound Media or let go, and I don't

blame them. I was such a heroin addict that my schedule was four days a week, Monday through Thursday, from 4pm to 6pm. I could get there at 3.59 if I wanted to. I couldn't keep up that schedule. It was rigorous. That was too much for me. I said rigorous. Yeah, that was like the Trump

schedule, with a rally every two seconds and putting medals on a dog. I couldn't keep that schedule. So, again, what drugs do to you. I did a podcast in my kitchen. I was late 18 times. Gino was beating me to my kitchen and other black comedians were beating me. And I was hungover.

But don't you feel in the grand scheme of things, everything has to happen the way it does to get where you are? Well, where am I exactly? You're here. We're hanging out. I'm interviewing you. Once you couldn't do that anymore, you're like, there's nothing I can do. This is what gets us by. The hell that has to be your life. You're highly capable human. I'm saying Gino's life has to be hell.

Sad. But he's funny. He can do this. In other words, not everybody can do this. He can sit down and be a funny person, a funny asshole, a sarcastic prick. Yeah. But in a good way. Charming. You're a Charger fan from Delaware.

Yeah. No family. No. A lot of heartbreaks. All dead. Yeah. Not my brother. Look at Pichetti.

No. I feel good. They all died of Burkitis. My uncle, Kigigula. They all died of Burkitis. My uncle, Kigigula. But being from Delaware and then also having your life, like, the humor saves you.

It saves me. But you know what I was saying to someone, and you're my age, but you actually went a more mainstream way. Well, no, I just got lucky. Nothing mainstream about me. But I was telling someone, like, if you had told me, like, when I moved up here in 2001, I'm like, all right, I'm going to try.

And you just come up here and you're like, all right, that's what success is. So you think you're going to, like, get really good at stand-up. Well, the success is there's Jim Carrey and then there's, like, you know, us. There's Seinfeld. But in 2001, that's what you think.

And I said, if you had told me in 2001 the ways I'd be making money now, I'd be like, what are you, well, you know, you're going to get checks the ways I'd be making money now yeah I'd be like what do you well you know you're gonna get checks from sound exchange on Spotify no I know you'd be like what well you know terrestrial radio is gonna go belly up so they're gonna hire just people right out of trade school and you're gonna write for them what well you know you're gonna be hosting a show on internet yeah I'd be like they didn't exist well and it gets back it gets back to what you're saying it's like I all I was like, let me just keep being funny.

It's fun for me. Well, you have a skill. You have a skill. I have a very certain set of skills. You follow the funny and it'll give you the money. You're able to be funny, which is like, that life can be heartbreaking. You can be fun. There's ups and downs.

But I've always said this. I love Gino. And we've been on the road together. And he's ballsy. But Compound Media is an interesting place to work. Now I was there didn't end well like everything else in my life also our friend Kevin Brennan Kevin, one of the funniest human beings

one of the funniest human beings the only the thing that eclipses his funniness is his asshole-ness. It's anger. And there's a lot of people like that. Yeah. And I love Kevin, but it's the truth. Kevin burnt bridges to a show called Burning Bridges.

He did? And he is now on this network, you know. Is he? Yeah, it's called The Comics Gym. Dude. Until ten months from now when he burns this bridge. But in his defense, he's one of the last guys that,

you know, like, we sit there talking about it, but we're old enough to, like, he's from a time when you would have Irish Catholic parents. They would never go near a condom and they would just fuck. Right. And you would have, he's, he's one of nine siblings, maybe 10. That's right. And he's like, I know he's the third oldest of nine or 10. And there's only been one successful sibling.

Yeah. The one at the bottom. And it's not him. He grew up watching, he started, he grew up watching everyone younger than him growing up with more shit than him. Right. And it drove him insane. You think so, yeah. I think so.

I don't, yeah. That's why he had the problem. Well, Kevin is in his early 60s. Yeah. Why don't he just mend it over with Neil Kish's ass and become a millionaire? Because he can't. Because what you just said will make him madder than anything. Watch, watch.

His brother is Neil Brennan, who created the Chappelle Show. Watch this, watch this. I can explain him with one cute little metaphor. You ready? All right. I will be Kevin Brennan. Artie, you be Keith the Cop over show. Watch this. I can explain him with one cute little metaphor. You ready? Alright. I will be Kevin Brennan. Artie, you be Keith the Cop over at Coppon. Okay.

Be like, Kevin, here are five bags of gold. Alright, a little role play. Kevin, here are five bags of gold. Thank you. Wait, wait, wait. Drops the five bags. Why does that guy get half a bag of gold? Why does that guy, why does Bill Shultz have half a bag of gold? He should have five and a half. Why don't I have

five and a half bags of gold? And he can't get past it. And you just described 80% of comedy. Yeah, you're right. Like 80% of comedians, that's what they do and they're self-destructive.

It's hard. Just grab the money and shut the fuck up. No, you can't. He can't. But here's what's frustrating. He's so fucking funny. Yeah.

He really is a funny guy. It's hilarious. And listen, you know, it... But he has integrity, you know. My theory is he'll die alone. Doesn't he have two kids and a wife? But he has integrity. Well, that can go away.

Watch Forensic Files. But he has... Now, Kevin Brennan is a future Forensic Files episode. Oh, he watches it to study it, doesn't he? Every time he watches an end of fucking SVU, he doesn't go, yeah, he's like, damn it! Here's what you're going to hear. Here's what you're going to hear on Forensic Files soon.

And then, after Kevin Brevin played governors, they found in the green room a piece of human skin. Bloody hat-shooting. Brevin. He's been around you too long. Kevin Brevin. But again, I think of people like that. I think of the failures I've had because I've had some success,

but there's a mountain of failure. There's a molehill of success and a mountain of failure, but you have to deal with failure in this business, and you as a Charger fan and being you. Yeah, and me, mostly me. In your family, the Biscontis, where would you fall in the success? Are you the least successful? My brother's the most successful.

What does he do? He just retired from being a teacher. Wow. So a teacher is more successful than you. The most underpaid profession in the planet. I think he's successful because he's got a wife, two beautiful children. He's happy. He's got a life I could never live.

See, I think the direct opposite. I think that's hell. Oh, I do too. Like, I think the wife, a couple of kids. Again, go to Forensic Files. Every, I think the wife, a couple of kids, again, go to Forensic Files. Every fucking episode is a wife, a couple of kids, a guy kills the kid,

kills the wife. Oh, yeah. I mean, we don't end up doing that. But that's because we would do that. And I just went out and hung with them this weekend. And the first day, you're like, what a nice house.

What a nice family. By the third day, you're like, get me out of this fucking cage and let me get back to New York so I can smell urine and do three spots. And that's what you, they're like, we want you out too.

You should go. Do you get along with them? Oh, I get along with them incredibly. I'm sure you're a great uncle. I say that all the time. My niece and nephew still think I'm great. Are they old enough to know that you never give them gifts? Yes! Wait, what? Another charge you had? Yeah, but normality

is not in our future. Normality is not... Normalcy. I don't think there's a word named normality. No, there's not. I would challenge that and scrabble. Google it one day. There might be normality. That's what it sounds like.

Can you Google with those hands if you just smashed the pad? I think what Mike does is gurgle. Can you gurgle it? Can you gurgle it? But that's why... Not even kidding. I think he's more successful because he's like, he did exactly. He's one of those guys that knew what he wanted to do from the minute. He always wanted to be a teacher.

A very important profession. Always wanted to be a teacher. He met the girl in college, freshman year. He was like, I'm going to marry that girl. He married her. She had a nightmare. Yeah, he married her. He had two kids with her.

He retired. He's just taking it easy. Well, I'm going to give you something that in comedy I call a unicorn because it's rare. It's something funny Janine Garofalo said once, which is rare. This to me is a unicorn. No, but it's more of a good point, which is her career. She said once, and I totally agree with this, she doesn't understand high school sweethearts because there's 8 billion people in the fucking world, whatever it is.

The chances that your soulmate has the locker next to you in the ninth grade yeah you know without just exploring a little bit but but the i guess the most romantic stories are the ones where they meet in high school i think you just know what you want like it's not like like as much as i'm going to call you something you know and you're probably a romantic guy in that way already you are and you think and the heart's been ripped out of me. Yeah, and you think you find your soulmate and all that stuff. My ex married that Jew. You think you find that soulmate.

Oh, no. Don't get me started. It was their four-month anniversary three days ago, I think. Here's Gino's forensic files. I'm the door. It was a swastika. Oh, no. Can you play Hitler?

How much do I have to dial it back? A background search of the subject. But that's just what I'm saying. What's that? What subject? He was a history teacher. Yes. He teaches kids how to forget their uncle.

It's like he's playing Jeopardy in reverse. That's correct. Thanks. Thanks, Mike. I got to meet him. History teachers are awesome. Yes, they are. Does your brother ever ask to meet my brother?

Tell him an English lip teacher's great. I love those two guys. English lip. You sound. I love those two guys. English lit. You sound like you're lit. My point is, like, I talked about this with Dave Attell, who I'm like, he was a known comedian. Right. Never heard of him.

And Russ Meneve. And we were like, and I love talking to comics about this. And if you could talk to Gilbert Gottfried like a human being, I would have asked him. But, like, happiness. Like, here's the thing. If you always know what you want. I always wanted, I think I always wanted a bigger version.

Like, I wanted to be Jim Carrey like all of us. But I wanted to be a version of what I am at least. Right. Okay. And I thought at 52 I would get that. And I got what I want. So I'm happy. And that hasn't happened.

What do you mean? I'm not, I don't think I'm a happy person. I think you're a happy person right now, and I'll tell you why. Because I base everything on when I see people, the way I react. And even when you were like a mess a couple, like a year or two ago. And I would always say this. A year or two ago? Yeah.

A year or two ago? People are like, why are you so mad at Artie mean to Artie I'm like I only get mad at people I really care about I'm like you meet so many assholes in this biz of course

it's like they walk they roll off your back I'm like I know Artie I love the guy and now when I see you I can see you you're like

you're not looking over your shoulder like you did you spent the entire time when you between Stern and everything looking back

saying how'd I fuck that up now you're like alright here I am and you're looking forward and you look looking back saying, how did I fuck that up? Now you're like, all right, here I am. And you're looking forward. And you look good, buddy. Well, I have to. Because if I look backward, it's nothing but a mess. And if you look sideways, it's that profile view.

It's bochetti. That's a good point. And again, for the record, I never, like Kevin Brennan and I, all these feuds like you. I never took offense to that at all. Because that's what funny people do. I'm more awkward when someone has those fake compliments for you. Oh, yeah. I'd rather have a friend who breaks your balls.

Yes. You know, because that's what comedy is. And me and the Teller Rush were talking about this the other day, too. Like, just look at the comedy cellar table or those comics in that hoop. The old one. That's what I'm saying. Yeah, I'm sorry. It used to be ball-breaking.

Yeah. It used to be, like, ruthless ball-breaking. Shit that you, like, it's kind of, like, racial shit, religious shit, sexuality,

everything was open game and everybody had a sense of humor. That's going away and I much rather would live in that old world. Yeah. Because if you can't

fucking laugh at it, what are you going to do? Society's over. That exchange of recipes for quiche and fucking... Yeah, well, quiche is fattening. Almost, but they sit at that table and they sit there and analyze comics. It's like, who gives a fuck?

Call my mom a whore. Yeah, well, that's what I mean. Well, exactly. Say it like it is. What? No, I'm just saying that there were... If you just... Even the shit...

You know, I was on the Comedy Cellar podcast with Noam and Bobby Kelly the other day. And Bobby made a good point of like, you know, he said stuff on ONA and I said stuff on the Stern Show. We all do in these podcasts. In the name of funny, which you might not be proud of, but you're riffing. You're a comic. Yeah. And sometimes when we got fined on the Stern Show after Janet Jackson's tits came out because that idiot Justin Timberlake,

the coolest thing Justin Timberlake has ever done is taken her shirt off. Yeah. That's the coolest thing he's ever done. And that's the one thing that's like a tragedy in his life. But after that happened, we got fined a lot for like fart noises. I would look at the transcript of our show

and just on paper, it's horrifying. It looks like the minutesed a lot for like fart noises. I would look at the transcript of our show and just on paper, it's horrifying. It looks like the minutes from a Klan meeting or something. And I'm like, but, you know, people laughed at it. Can we compare them with mine?

I brought mine with me. Never mind. Well, that's an actual Klan. But I'm saying, you know, you gotta, people gotta lighten the fuck up. Otherwise,

it's not gonna work. They're not. And I think it's, I think it's actually, and we've, the cancel culture, I think it's gonna collapse on itself. I think it's like going to work. They're not. And I think it's actually, and the cancel culture, I think it's going to collapse on itself. I think it's like everything else. Like, it's all on social media now.

It's not in real life. Right. It's not. How is Mike not collapsed on himself? It's selective outrage. He's leaning on his tits. Okay, here we go. Bochetti of thoughts.

Ready? Okay, wait, wait, wait. Selective outrage. Bochetti of thoughts. Selective outrage. No, no, no. I want your thoughts on it. I don outrage. Bochetti, your thoughts. Selective outrage. No, no, no. I want your thoughts out. I don't want you to repeat it.

Okay. I didn't stop pronounce this, Mike Bochetti. It's Bochetti, your thoughts. Okay. The bit is Bochetti, your thoughts. I want to get t-shirts made. Not Bochetti, you parakeet. No, no, no.

Right. Okay, I'll do it again. Selective outrage. Bochetti, your thoughts. All the big celebs can say what the fuck they want. Anybody under them gets chastised and ruined in this business. Go back to just pronouncing it. I want to go back to when you said

gay marriage, your thoughts, and you said it's up to them. It's up to who? The gay people want to get married. Yeah, right. They've already decided. They've decided. Thank you. It's Congress who has to decide. First of all, have you ever been to a wedding that wasn't gay? They're all fucking gay.

Weddings are for gay guys and women. Bo, what are your thoughts? My thoughts are it's honestly true. Spend 80 grand for fucking flowers, those things. When was the last time you came close to getting married? I never want to be married. You had to take the tape off her mouth? No, no. I don't want to have that kind of life. How many

people have you said no to? How many males have you said no to? It's like me saying, I never want to do the comedy cellar. Well, you know, then just stop answering the calls, Gene. They're what? They're what? I used to do the cellar late 90s ago, like in the 90s. Yeah, but you're a cellar.

Yeah. Not the comedy cellar. No, seriously. The pochetti cellar. Actually, Rupert Pupkin statue. From like 94 to 95 years ago. The problem is you have to get back up the steps. It's not from 94 and 95.

It's 94 and 95. 94 the steps. It's not from 94 and 95, it's 94 and 95. 94 and 95, Mike Royce was the guy. If there's a dash, it covers a year. He just went in order. Mike Royce was the guy to pass people for late night nights in those days. And time has passed Mike Royce by. No, not really. He's doing good. And then the internet happened, actually.

I think pagers happened. And who could have fucking predicted that shit? You're right, technology, there's so... Like, look at Anthony Cumia. Insanely talented guy. Cancel culture gets into his life. And, you know, Anthony would have to go away with money, but go away. And you don't get to hear a funny guy on the air. And because of technology, we get to hear Anthony Cumia's though.

And I mean that seriously. He's a funny guy with shit to offer who's willing to be funny. And you're like, in the old days, no, you can't be on the fucking, you know, you can't be on the radio anymore. They would have crushed people. The radio is absolutely terrible now. Oh, God. When you go, you know, I've been traveling up and down the East Coast lately. And you see, you hear a lot of these radio stations, like these top 40 radio stations.

The shit they say, like, just play the, even on satellite, just play the fucking song. I don't need a witty comment about Jethro Tull. That's it, though. I don't need it. I don't need a contest. Just play fucking The Who. Like, poor bad morning radio, like, Big B and a banana. Well, yeah, I mean, you know, you realize how good I am.

Isn't that one of the names you kicked around for this show, Big B and the banana? Big B and the banana. You look like a big B. He does. And a banana. And your bananas. You look like Belushi and those Bs. I wish.

I like the way you said, can we make sure we capture that already saying big B and the banana? Yeah, big B and the banana. Hey, Mike Bocchetti, your thoughts on the big B and the banana show. Mike, traffic report, your thoughts. Traffic report. Right now, it's currently. Traffic. It's currently traffic.

We have a tribute to the great Dan Filato. Gino always talks about Dan. I want to say I love Dan. The goal is to work with Dan again. We can't afford it. I've been talking to Dan. He's in Chicago. His bears are fucking me over. I love Dan Filato. Dan saved my life. Can you do a Chicago action film? Dan saved my life like five times. And I love him. And nearly killed you six, I'm told.

Well, listen, that's alright. But I love Dan. So we're going to do a bit now where Boschetti reads the weather. Could you do one thing before? Could you mimic Dan? I love the Chicago action when you do him. I can't do that action. No.

So here's what we're going to do. I'm going to say Boschetti, do the weather, and then me and Gino will have fun. So this was a Dan Filato bit. Dan, thank you for letting Mike do the weather. Mike, you have a weather report. Let's hear it. Right now in the Northeast, dry conditions expected across the weather. Mike, you have a weather report. Let's hear it. Right now in the Northeast, dry conditions expected across the region. Highs

arranged from the 30s in northern New England to the 50s in the mid-Atlantic. Now put some gum in it, though. The middle-antic? Middle-Atlantic. Atlantic. South of New England, they're getting into some crazy antics. The middle-antic.

How much Chargers shit do you have? People keep giving me shit. Look, it's a little creepy. It's all Chargers shit. Phillip Rivers wears less Chargers shit in a game. It's over for him. Well, it's over for him. I want him to move to London.

I want the Chargers to move to London. The Giants suck, too, so. Yeah, but they're going to be fine. Okay, Bocchetti. We're not. Bocchetti with gum in his mouth doing the weather. Okay. Pick off.

Tell me what's gone at the middle antics again. The weather in the Northeast. Dry me what's going on at the Mid-Atlantics again. The weather in the Northeast. Dry conditions expected across the region. He's going to choke to death. He's going to die. Northern England. The 50s in the Mid-Atlantics. Wait, what's going on in Northern Lingland?

In the South. Dry conditions expected across the region during the day. How can you have that much spit in your mouth when you say dry conditions? You sound like Paul Provenzano's henchman. Go ahead. Down in the south currently. No one can do that. No one can do that, Mike.

You're perfect at it. Down in the south currently. The conditions are dry as expected. Of course, the regions are in a day, but showers could begin in parts of the whole Mississippi Valley. I mean, just think of people eating. By Monday night. Highs will be in the range from the 50s to the 70 Valley. I mean, just think of people eating. By Monday night. Hives will be in the range from the 50s to the 70s.

Did you say by Monday night? When does this air? I hope this air is on a Sunday or Monday. This air is when the lawyers clear it five years from now. We'll all be dead when this is air. Well, that was great, Mike. How do you feel that went? I feel fantastic. Yeah.

Of the three of us, Mike feels fantastic. I'm done. Gino, I guess you've done your share of blow. You've Of the three of us, Mike feels fantastic. I'm done. Gino, I guess you've done your share of blow. You've done a lot of liquor. Yes. You don't look as gray as you did last time I saw you. Oh, I stopped drinking. I've been on the wagon for six going on seven weeks now.

Do you get any therapy, AA? You just do it. No. And the whole reason I'm not drinking is like I didn't even want to stop drinking, but it was after the roast of fucking Brennan. Fucking I was hammered. The roast of Kevin Brennan. I was hammered talking to fucking the Kumi.

I always say the boss, but Kumi. And all this shit went down with some girl I used to be fucking. Oh, my God. Yeah. And she started diving at Pressman or something. Stacey Pressman? Yeah. And then they yelled at me, and I'm like, I don't give a fuck.

And then everyone thought I was drunk. I'm like, so then I became a hostile witness. I'm like, they're like, you need to stop, and I'm like, I don't give a fuck. And then everyone thought I was drunk. I'm like, so then I became a hostile witness. I'm like, they're like, you need to stop drinking. I'm like, I'll stop drinking for two months. Watch this. And I did. So just on a dare. Yeah.

But I'm the first. But the thing is, you do the show every day, you know, and you see your reflection. And it's exactly what you said. I'm like, wow, I was a lot grayer the past couple weeks. You start to hope your whole skin clit up. I had pancreatitis for a while, and I was on the liver list. I was on the list to get a liver. They said, you gotta get more famous to get, like,

Mickey Mantle, the liver. Liver's the big one. And one night, it went down. And one night, it went down. But what are your thoughts? Gino, don't look like W.C. Fields anymore. There's a thought. There you go. Did I look like W.C. Fields? You look like W.C. Fields. Yeah, I lost my top hat. You look like W.C. Fields anymore. There's a thought. There you go. Did I look like W.C. Fields? You look like W.C. Fields. Yeah, I lost my top hat.

You look like Mrs. Fields. No, but I mean, so how do you feel at the age of 60? How do you feel? No. How old are you? I'm 50. I'll be 51 next month. Wow.

I'm 52. Yeah. I look like your uncle. You look better now than you have in the past 20 years. Well, that's not saying much. I'm 94. It's a World War II vet. Mike, how old are you, Mike? I'm 52. Yeah. I look like your uncle. You look better now than you have in the past 20 years. That's not saying much. I'm 94. It's a World War II vet. Mike, how old are you, Mike?

I'm 58. Are you really? I'll be 59 in April. Wow. April what? That's impressive. Yeah, that is. That you lasted that long.

I know. I should die 20, 30 years ago. Are you even dying your hair anymore? Yeah. Are you dying? You're doing a better job. He's not dying his hair. He's dying.

His hair is the only thing that's not dying on him. That's the only thing that's not dying. See, guys, that was called a riff. You dye your hair chartreuse. Chartreuse. That's the color he dyes his hair. Why don't you pick a color you can pronounce, like black? I was going to dye it.

I was going to get Max Hedlund. You should dye it. We've talked about this. I was going to get Max Hedlund's haircut. You should dye it for about four months. Do a juice dye it. I just got a note from the producer. Okay. I about this. You should diet. You should diet for about four months. Do a juice diet. I just got a note from the producer. Okay.

I think he's overproducing. Ask Mike, is there any more weather? Yes, I think there absolutely is. In the south, dry conditions expect me across the region. Can I predict what it's going to be like in the south? It's going to be dry, as predicted. It's going to be racist. Oh, yes.

I'm so sorry. I got this. Climb with a chance going to be racist. Oh, yes. I'm so sorry. I got this. Clown with a chance of racism. I see the next page. I'm so sorry. Yeah, that's what the staple means. There's something under it. I didn't see a staple, really.

I'm so sorry. It's okay. Yes, in the Midwest, the Midwest can expect a mainly dry day. Showers will begin to move in parts of Central Plains Monday night. Something you've never done, shower. Did you say sensual plains? That's creepy. Sensual plains.

Monday night. Latina women may be in parts of northern Minnesota. Oh, yeah. Did you say sensual planes? That's creepy. Monday night, Latina woman may be in parts of northern Minnesota. Oh, yeah. Did you say Latina women? Latina woman. Andre Ripa. Andre Ripa may be in. That's in the weather report.

Now he's rippling. I love this. Latina woman, Andre Ripa. Yeah, that sounds fantastic. May also be parts of northern Minnesota and eastern North Dakota. Wait, it says Latina women may be in North Dakota? Yes. No, it doesn't. Yes, it does. Parts in northern Minnesota.

It does not say that, does it? Wow. It does not say that. Yes, it does. I swear to God. Latino women may also dust part like they're cleaning women? Yeah, yeah, I think so. Usually it's Albanian women. It makes more sense because I can't imagine you making that up while you're trying to read.

Is this the skinhead weather report? No, no. Albanian women are usually... Bulgarian women are cleaning women. People are usually... Bulgarian women. Oh, that's what... Now I see why they want him to keep reading. Alright, do the West. Now you'll see. Who typed this? Let me guess. The guy that handed you that typed this.

Yeah, I guess. Snow to Midwest again or West? Go to the West. Do what Gino says. Snow continue to rockish in high elevation to the Northwest. But rain will among the Northeast coast. That wasn't even a sentence, by the way. Rain among what?

Snow and wind will begin to spread vagina in the North Calgary. I see what they did. Including the Dendry metro area. The Dendry? Denver. Denver. Denver. Guys in the back, let me give you some advice. Don't try to funny up the weather report.

Just let Mike try and read. We don't need a Borscht Belt joke from 1911 in there. When Mike reads actual weather, it's funny. I'm closing with those at my set tonight. Show us what you know. When Mike reads actual weather, it's funny. That's why he had to be that night so Mike could do the vagina spreading joke. Yeah, well, I couldn't the word Latina was in there. I love Latina women, they're the best.

Really? Now how much do they cost you? Black chicks and Latinas are great. You been getting laid lately, Mike? I've been trying to. Some women are missing. How can you get a handjob if you cut off a woman's hands? Oh, oh.

Now what about that, Mike? Now when is the last time you actually had sex? With someone else? Let's say the 20th century was completely proactive. Really? No, I don't keep track a bit. It's so much. I would think it'd be easy to keep track.

Like you just have the word wow written on your counter, and I can't talk. You haven't fucked anybody, but the business has fucked you, right? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, sometimes. yeah, yeah. Sometimes. Just do that. For our producer, whoever wrote that, for Woody Allen who wrote that joke, just do the vagina spreading joke again.

That's a great one. The weather in the West. Snow will continue in the Rockies and higher elevations of the Northwest, but rain among the Northeast coast. West coast. What? Let me start again. The clearing is through. Yeah, we got an hour.

The west. Snow will continue into the Rockies and higher elevations in the northwest, but rain along the northwest coast. Snow and wind will begin to spread vagina into the front range of the Rockies. You would think a guy who could put the word vagina in there would think to put in a period somewhere in there. There is a period. Oh, no, there's not a period.

Is Larry David writing our weather? I think he is. Who came up with that genius stuff? Wow, that's embarrassing. But, Mike, when you say start over, do you mean life? Yeah. Yeah. If I started over again, I'd be more successful, I think.

I don't know, man. I mean, you're pretty successful. I mean, I think you're an overachiever. Yeah, you are the Forrest Gump of comedy. Yeah. You really are. Think of it like you've done a lot of stuff. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you think? I don't think your IQ is as high as 74. Yeah. I'm still not happy with certain things I haven't done. Like what? Like what? Movies, TV, other things you want to do.

You've seen a lot of shit. Yeah, you have. You've been in movies. More than Gino. Yeah. Yeah, but I mean, but you've been in great stuff. Like, I mean you want to do. You've seen a lot of shit. Yeah, you have. More than Gino. But you've been in great stuff. That's a strong statement. I've been in films and TV, but that doesn't mean success.

There's barely work. Barely cost me money. I mean, look who you worked with, though. You got a great body of work. I have a great body of work. You got a great body of work. Every time that I watch that, I'm like, this is great. I have a great body of work. You have a great body. No, no.

Well, I mean, we've all done our share. I mean, Don Rickles, come on. But I think if you started over again, if a genie came out of the bottle and said, Mike, start over again, I think it could have gone worse. Yeah. You know what I mean? You don't know what's going to happen. Like when you were in the Marines and got kicked out with a dishonorable discharge. Well, I got an honorable...

How did you do that in three weeks? Did you save the president? His drill sergeant misspelled dis in dishonorable... I tapped him with Donner on the White House lawn. Did you know Mike was a gravy seal? Okay, yours is better. Yours is better. I was going to say he thinks it's dishonorable discharge.

He thinks it's the word this because of how he talks. What'd you get? I got dishonorable discharge here. What's that? I still like gravy seal a lot better, but I'm biased. I'm a big fan. I tackled Madonna that twat on the White House lawn. What does Madonna have to do with it?

What a non-sequitur. Is he reading the weather again? And then Madonna over here. Well, Mike, I'm just saying, you've got to be careful what you wish for. I know. You've got to be careful what you wish for. All of us. I wouldn't start over.

I mean, I didn't become what I dreamed of being, but I would be afraid to at least get to this level. I really would. Really? Because a lot of luck was involved. No, you know what? They know what they wanted. You were the right guy a lot of luck was involved, you know? Nope. You know what? They know what they wanted. You were the right guy for what they wanted.

Yeah, but it's timing. It's, you know, whatever. I mean, I certainly don't think I'd duck the addiction thing anyway. I'd still be in that, you know? And I could have died a million times. Like, I think, I actually think stuff could be insanely worse. Well, God has a huge plan for you. That's why you're still here.

I doubt it. Gino, do you think God has a plan? What's that? I do. I honestly do. See, he does. But I think this. Do you think that when you see the Chargers getting eight at home?

Do not bet my Chargers. They would break your heart. I think, but I'm not trying to like sell you on God because I think there's a lot of powers. But I think that you either believe in that or you don't and it affects the way you act. I think you wind up where you are for a reason. My mother always said that. Everything happens for a reason.

Did your mother make that up? Everything happens for a reason? I never heard that before. She did, but I'm saying everything happens for a reason. Alright, whatever happens, you're like, what's the reason for this? You have to find the reason. I'm not saying you sit there and wait for the reason. There are things that just fucking happen. Imagine if you never got

fired from Stern. You'd be dead. You'd have too much money. You're not good with a lot of money. You're not safe with a lot of money. Thank God I have my life now. Mike, imagine if you fucking were able to fucking afford Grubhub whenever you wanted. Imagine. Mike, they come to your house. They drive right up alongside your car, in my case,

and they slide it through the window. In my drinking days. Slide it through the bar's window. In my drinking days. Someone's been writing. In my drinking days, if I had had excess money like that, I would have been fucking in trouble myself, too. Well, I'm saying, you know,

these kids from the NBA, like, you know, they're 18 years old in the ghetto, then they get 70 million. They're giving them shit. They get in trouble. Of course they get in trouble. I don't blame them. I got in trouble with $40 in my pocket when I was 18. That's culture shock. That was the one time, like, because I get mad at, you know, I always get

mad, not at all, but it's like, it drives me insane that professional athletes and actors and actresses, whatever, these are people that have shit handed to them their whole lives and they deserve it. They're beautiful people. Some athletes. They're beautiful. They're gifted. They're whatever.

But they think they're smarter than us and they say the dumbest fucking shit. Absolutely. But when fucking Marshawn Lynch fucking first got to the bills and he got caught with a gun and all this shit, you know, and he said it. He's like, he's like, he's like, I used to live. My family lived on $20 a week. He's like, they gave me too much money too fast. And right there, I'm like, and it don't.

I'm like, I respect him. Cause he said, he's like, he's like, I'm a fucking disaster. He gave me too much money. He's being honest. And his life's still better than that fucking time with $20 a week. Yeah. He's like, I don't give a shit. Like, Blax go burst shot himself.

Life was better than when he grew up. If I had money young, I would be getting in punching fights with Sean Penn. At what juncture in your life did you have money? Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Now that you're a billionaire, you're not exactly Tom Steyer now. No, but if I had had excess money like that when I was young, I would have been telling people, fuck off, guys.

Now you have excess weight. Out of hand. I would have gotten in a punching fight with Sean Penn, I'm sure. A punching fight. You could just say a fight. Is that a Staten Island thing? Whenever Mike says it, he's that way. You know, I was jerking off to straight porn.

What did he say? What did he say? That's like saying bad Asian driver. A punching fight. Just say fight. I would have gotten into a fight with Sean Penn, probably. I don't think you would have. It looks like you got in a fight with Sean Penn I don't think you would have It looks like you got in a fight with a pen Let me sit and enjoy that

Enjoy it So Gino, what is in the future? You're 50, what do you think is going to happen? Paint a picture Let's give you the McDonald's Employment quiz Where do you see yourself 10 years from? I want to be in that show.

I say that to people all the time. Well, this will all be dead, so this will be available. I'm like, you want to be 50 living alone with a cat. I don't know. I don't worry about it. I've said this. I think I used to say it on your show. How about living alone with Barry Cats?

I've never been good at going and sitting at point A and being like, that's point B. I just have fun at point A and point B arrives. I thought you were going to say I've never been good at anything. I've never been good at anything. No, no A and being like, that's point B. I just have fun at point A and point B arrives. I thought you were going to say I've never been good at anything. I've never been good at anything. No, no. You are. No, exactly. So in other words, you're saying let the chips fall where they may. The three things I'm doing now that I love are

we do the Kumya show. I write for... You and Aaron, it's a plug your show. I'm sorry. Me and Aaron Berg do a show called In Hot Water. Aaron, a very funny guy. The chemistry between me and Berg is ridiculous. We say this all the time. We're so lucky to be able to show up four days Hot Water. Aaron, a very funny guy. The chemistry between me and Berg is ridiculous. Like, we say this all the time. We're so lucky to be able to show up four days a week. We added a fifth show now on Patreon. Wow.

But we're so lucky to be able to just... Wait, let me try to be exactly like that. Wow. More enthusiasm. That's nice. That's great. But we're so lucky to be able to show up like five days a week, four days, and just play off of each other. When I look at you, it screams lucky.

Yeah, I'm very lucky. Yeah, you are. We're all lucky to be in some way making money. Doing what we enjoy. And if we're doing it well, we're laughing. You don't laugh your ass off and your stand-up. Absolutely. Yeah, I was talking to Ally Breen.

She said she's been touring with you. Yeah, I love Ally. She's a sweetheart. Having a blast. We're dolling up the tour. And she's a sweetheart. She's funny as hell. Whatever happened to the old clips of

fucking our podcast online? Uh, what? You mean my podcast? I was wondering if you'd get that. Oh, no, it's already lying about that. Me and Dan Villato has a cut. But I can't find them online. Villato deserves a cut. Well,

I can't find them. That's the problem. Villato claims he left these computer fucking files. I own all 400 of them. So we're going to cut them up. I thought of that. And cut you out. I want to go back to the episode when it was me, you, and Allie Breen. She's like, yeah.

And the winner would get to go on a boat cruise with the fucking teacher. We're like, that's not winning. He was going to rape you. She's like, I never thought of that. The best answer would get to go on a boat cruise with the fucking teacher. A winner is never going. Someone who wins never gets a cruise with a teacher.

Or they never get heard from again. Unless it's Gino's brother. So, you know, how old are your nieces and nephews? My niece is 17. My nephew's 15. Now, what is your niece's number, the 17-year-old? Well, we're going to wait for her to go to college. It doesn't mean you're going to hang out with some of her friends.

Where is she going? Continuing the Bisconti-Harvard? She might go to the University of Delaware like I did. That would be great. What did you learn at Delaware? Do you think you've used that degree? No. Economics?

Business management. Closer to that. But I think whatever you're supposed to do, you wind up doing no matter what path gets you there. Like everything, I wanted to go to school for business, excuse me, for communications, and my parents are like, you can't go. You're too smart. And I don't mean like I'm smart, but their parents, they make you do that shit. And you can communicate fine.

I can. And everything I did, everyone I bumped up to, everything pointed me in this direction to stand up in New York. So it all works out. Well, let's do another role play. I love this. I'll show you why you found comedy. Okay. I'm going to be, you be you, I'll be your parents.

Okay. Okay. What are you going to school for? I want to go to school for communications. That's funny. Maybe I should be a comedian, Mom. Yeah. You're adopted.

But again, I think we'll all be, and again, I never went through, I wanted to play shortstop for the Yankees until I was 14 and I knew that wasn't going to happen when I heard about the birth of Derek Jeter. So I was smart enough to realize that

would never happen and I've never had a moment where I wanted to be a salesman, engineer, cop, doctor, fireman.

I wanted to be a fucking comedian. There's never been a moment anyone ever wanted you to be a doctor, I can promise you that. Hey, is Artie Lang a doctor yet?

No. All right. Dr. Dre heard the same thing. They were happy when I got a job in Pathwalk in my house. Yeah, I know, because you were leaving the house. They would have been happy

if you were just going to a wood chipper to put shopping carts in Pathwalk. But wouldn't you argue, and I mean this, we'll be serious for a second, wouldn't you argue in the way... What have we been up till now? I don't know.

Go ahead. Wouldn't you argue the way comedy, and I've said this word, I'm sure every comedian ever. Like 70 years ago, Milton Berle sitting there talking to someone going like, oh, the industry's changed so much in the past 10 years. Want to see my cock? Yeah. All you can do now is focus on being funny or doing what you want to do and seeing where it goes. Because you can say, I want to be on this.

And in three years, it could be gone the way the industry's working. Or in three years... Look at the show Crashing on HBO. That was a great gig. I loved doing it, and it was, like, three seasons, a blink of an eye. Yeah. Like, I'm on a big show on HBO.

I thought it was going to be bigger, and then I'm like, okay, now I'm in jail. But you can impale yourself one day. But you do, again, all you could do, like Gino says, is keep trying to get gigs, work it, and just thank God you're not shoveling fucking shit. Are you doing that fucking, oh, I think I yelled my way out of that. Are you doing the roast of fucking Otis Anderson?

Are you? No. My agent reaches out to me. They're like, yeah, we'd love to. I literally sent them five, you know, because I've done so many roasts. They're like, yeah, but the dais is full. Do you want to just open the show and warm people up? I said, and I just,

I'm like, no, tell them to fuck off. I'm like, I just sent you 20, like, because they do that thing, like, well, it'd be great publicity. I've done enough of these for fucking publicity.

You know? You know the shoveling shit that you just said that really. I'm like, who's on the dais? And they say some girl. I never heard of them. I'm like, well, I'm not going to get mad

because you have to have a girl on the dais. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. You do. So grow some tits. Snapchat followers. Mike, the fact that you have tits, maybe they'll put you on. But I might show up for that.

Well, show up. I mean, you won't be welcome, but show up. Buy two drinks and a ticket. If I waited to be, I should call Maz. But you know who's on that? Carl Banks. For a sports fan, it's fantastic. A classical Bur you know who's on that? Carl Banks is on that. For a sports fan, it's fantastic. Yeah. Plaxico Burris, who shot himself.

I mean, you know, we're hoping Chad Zumach shows up. But that's another thing. It's like you just do, like, I've been doing those football videos 14 years, 12 years now, and it's just- Wow, MASH was only on 11 years. Yeah, yeah. Well, it's not like they're paying me. Gino's been doing it a year longer than MASH was on.

But it gets you work that you never thought you'd get. I got everything but TV. Like what? You're putting in a deck? I am putting in a deck. For my bookie because I owe him so much money. How is the gambling? Oh, dude, please.

Because Gino, another guy on my level of degenerate gambling. Oh, no. The gambling, you gamble like, we don't gamble to be rich. We gamble for the added rush. Well, not rich, but okay. It's the rush, but you gamble because you do feel like you're going to make money. That's what the rush is. You do, and we know that.

But there's a, like, you talk to these guys that you know don't gamble because they tell you on Tuesday morning they won every fucking bet they put in. They're idiots. Whereas real gambling, we always laugh at the dumb. Like, there was a game two days, two weeks ago. Cards fucking Niners, and the Cards were getting six. They're getting fucking six, and they're up like 10 points. Where?

In, I think it was in San Fran. And the Niners are tough. That D is tough. They're getting six, but they're winning by four. They're winning by four with like fucking 12 seconds left. The Niners were getting six? No, the Cardinals were getting six. No, the Cardinals were getting 6. Right, the Cardinals were getting 6.

And they're literally up, do the math, 6. They're up 13 points with 12 seconds left. Right, wow. 12 seconds left. They throw a touchdown, so they go up by whatever. Yeah. And then the cards are lateraling the ball on the last play. They lateral it into the end zone.

The cards fall on it. And they cover. And they cover. Wow. And all you can do is laugh. Laugh, but again, to lose money like that, that was the heartbreak. But how else can I answer that question? It's like the videos I do, Gino's Picks, make fun of it.

Yeah. And they're dumb jokes and stuff. Like, oh, I had a great joke about Miles Garrett, that fucking animal, hitting the guy with the helmet. I know. I said the only positive thing you can say about it is at the end, it looked like he was actually using the helmet as a tool.

I heard SNL is hiring him under the name Miles Garrett Morris. I think we just got a question. One second. Well, I know. We just got a question. Someone's in our area. No, I have to pay some bills here. Is there a vagina in there?

Yeah, we're doing this here. There's not a vagina joke. Listen to this, Gino. I'd love to. Artie Lang's Halfway House is brought to you by Blue Chew. Listen, Mike. You've tried to stay hard with women, right? Has it worked?

You try to keep your dick hard when you're with a woman. My dick is like a rocket after that. Who can stay hard with all that blood? His dick is like a rocket after that, with all that blood. Okay, how about your tits? Have your tits been hard? My tits shrunk. My dick got gigantic.

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There's no payphones anywhere. Google payphone, you young people, and you'll see what Mike's talking about. You play, you win, you get paid, okay? My bookie, A.G. Now, Mike has an announcement. Yes. Don't forget, everyone, all free episodes of the Arnie Lang... Gino keeps fucking with me with this.

Yeah, no, you know what we did? I'll stop. We did a focus group, and we said, how much are you willing to pay for the podcast? It said free. Okay, hold on. Go ahead. Don't forget, with the Arnie Lang Halfway House podcast,

all episodes are free on the Comics Gym. Go to www. There's six words written on there. I'm trying to do no seriously. There's six words. I can't get this done. Okay, okay. You're getting Mike Madden.

I'll stop. I'm sorry. Don't forget, all episodes of the Audioline Halfway House are free on the Comics Gym. Go to www.thecomicsgym.com. How many W's? That's good. You got through that. And thank you very much for our sponsors,

Fanico, for helping us secure our sponsorship and Pro Media Studios in Times Square, Manhattan, New York. Pro Media Studios, very wonderful,

wonderful people. Now, Mike, how do you feel about that? How do you feel about that one? I feel good, but the book, I like Campbell Online. It's awesome.

Yeah, yeah. You should go to my book. They give you money. In other words, you put in a grand, they give you $500. In other words, most people, a regular bookie, Gino will tell you this. You give them $1,000, they don't give you anything back. They don They give you money. In other words, you put in a grand, they give you 500. In other words, most people,

a regular bookie, Gino will tell you this. You give them 1,000, they don't give you anything back. They don't give you anything back. Even if you win sometimes. Sometimes you don't get your fingers back.

It's not good. Yeah, sometimes, exactly. You got a call from New York to New Jersey in the middle of the night. I got a great bookie story. We're talking about gambling. Gino will love this.

I had a bookie who was a Staten Island guy years ago who, when the WNBA started, the WNBA started, he would get the menstrual cycles of the WNBA because You are full of shit. No, I swear to God. He had a guy who got menstrual, he knew the

menstrual cycles of the Minnesota Lynx, and they were one of the better teams, so if they were favored, because chicks get their periods at the same time if they travel together, so this guy would They cycle together. He liked me, so he liked my dad, so he would give me tips, but he was a grotesque person.

He would call me up and say, the Minnesota Lynx are bleeding. So they didn't play well. Like a chick on the rig. I can't get a broad to make me a sandwich on the rig but just do a high pick and roll. Plus they're light-headed. They're

bleeding. They're light-headed and dark-skinned. I think I know who you're talking about. No, well, I'm saying, think about that. That's actually a sinister thing. That's brilliant. Here's another sinister thing. I've got to get you to know.

You might know this story. I didn't know this story. I had Lenny Dykstra on the show a couple of times. Oh, I love him. I read his book. I listened to it on tape. Do you know where he extorted the umpires? Do you remember that story? Yeah. That, to me, I had never heard that before. It's a chapter in his book. I listened to it on tape. Do you know where he extorted the umpires? Do you remember that story?

Yeah. That to me, see, I had never heard that before. It's a chapter in his book. That's why I know. I had never heard that before. Tell the story. First of all, it's brilliant and sinister at the same time. It's like something a mafia guy would do.

He was getting $2 million a year at the time. So he takes a quarter of his salary, $500,000. And what he does is he hires private detectives to follow. Because he had a contract. Sorry to interrupt you. He had a contract year coming up up so he's investing in his future go on follow he had to follow he paid these pis to follow the umpires around and get dirt on them once they were gay if they had a gambling problem he gets up he had more walks than anybody in the history of the game yeah one season because he would get up and if he knew the ump was gay, like I had with Ricks last night, and the gump gives him a smaller strike zone.

The gump. The ump gives him a smaller... Or the guy is a gambler and he's like, you know, the Jets cover? Like he would just ask if the Jets covered. And the guy walks him. I can't tell you. Brilliant. That's brilliant and sinister on levels I can't even fucking imagine.

He's all Washington brilliant. But that's up there with this guy getting the menstrual cycles of the WNBA because these broads get their period. Every chick on 12 people on a basketball team, if they're all on their fucking period, they're not playing well at basketball. See, that's the kind of stuff that makes it, like, a lot of times, like, the pics I make are just making jokes about them.

Like, they're like, well, that's not smart. I'm like, anyone that thinks they have an insight, it never works. No. But if someone calls you up and be like, look, the entire team is menstruating right now. They're going to be tired. Right. You sit there like, I can't bet enough on this. Minnesota Lynx are bleeding.

Yeah. And the only thing better is if you lose, you're like, well, I thought the team was menstruating. And it was a sure thing. People would be like, you bet money on that? Yeah, it was great. 18, you're on the rug. Yeah, but the house never loses, no matter who the house is. Yeah, that's why Vegas is...

My house lost money. That's why Vegas is filled with those huge buildings. And people hanging and jumping out of them. I don't know how much longer I can put up with watching football the way the officials are fucking shit up. Well, explain. This is what drives me nuts about officiating. Do you know your thoughts?

This is what drives me nuts about officiating, and I'd love to know your thoughts on this. I don't care if an umpire, excuse me, a referee or official misses seven fucking calls. I do not. Unless they fuck you over for money, but go ahead.

That's bullshit. But it's part of the game. I really don't. So human error is part of the game. It's part of the game. But what drives me insane is when these guys are so worried about missing a call, they make calls that aren't there. The Cowboys were called twice, and don't get me wrong, they deserve to lose.

The Patriots outplayed them. Jason Garrett's a terrible player. The Patriots secondary doesn't fucking give up touchdowns. Doesn't give up touchdowns. They're going to win again. It all turned on a block, whatever. But when they're driving at the end of the game, and they get a first down, and the officials, for the second time in the game, you know what they called already? I don't know if you watch it.

Tripping. Yeah, yeah. Tripping has been called six times all year in the NFL. They called it twice on the guy. Tripping. That's like a carry in basketball. Right. And you had to see it.

The guy just. And fucking. They're like. It was the worst call. Even fucking. You know they usually go to the guy to review it, like Mike Piera. Another waste of time normally.

And he always explains it. He's like, yeah, I think that was a trip. And Troy Aikman finally goes, it's not! He literally yelled, it's not! Today the NFL comes out and this is what they do. They say, and I'm getting to an even bigger point, they're like, oh yeah, they were both missed calls. And nothing happens.

The missed call in the playoff game last year between the Saints and the Rams where they rather... Right, now big, that's the night. Well, there's a lot at stake there. But even so, it happened at the end of the game and this is how dumb people are. There was a face mask on fucking Jared Goff that would have given the Rams a first and goal and said they settled

for a field goal that they missed. There's a pass interference they missed, but that's the one they focus on. And rather than just say in the offseason, the refs missed the call and start and implement a system. Just say, look, they're human. It happens. And the great, like the immaculate reception was a fucked up call.

It was a fucked up call. But the story, it's human history. And here's my point. Rather than the NFL addressing and be like, this official is terrible. We need to implement a system to, you know, fine them when they fuck up. They're like, well, change the rule. So now they made this rule where you can appeal past interference. But it's a fucking mockery because they never call it.

It's like the NFL said they pulled a Mr. Burns and said, give them their apples. And it's like the calls have been overturned three times in 12 weeks of football. It's a waste of timeouts. The NFL just doesn't care. And the time goes, and the games last too long. Yes! Why don't you guys just go to track? It's more fun. Wait, Bush, how do you think?

Going to the track is exciting. My thoughts are, I agree with you completely. Let them be people. It's almost to the point where I can't watch the game because I'm dreading these calls. You can't watch the game because you don't have a television. Go to the track. It's almost to the point where I can't watch the game because I'm dreading these calls. You can't watch the game because you don't have a television. Go to the track.

It's your phone. I keep walking right into these. We're talking about two different things, Mike. He wants to enjoy football. You're talking about horse racing. Horses run. Have great food upstairs. I'm watching your nose run.

There's great food at the horse track? I used to go to Belmont with Casey Armstrong from the Stern Show. Every Friday after Stern, we'd go to Belmont. The people you see Friday afternoon at 2 o'clock at the Belmont Racetrack, I mean, it looks like it's like a white castle in Cincinnati at 7 in the morning. It is just so terrible. And they had this chicken underneath a fluorescent light that looked— the chicken was still alive.

Like, you saw blue veins, $2 pieces of chicken. So, Mike, I understand why you might like it, because it's like your kitchen. I went to a bachelor party at the Meadowlands. How did that go? With who? Rich French Asian had a bachelor

party 20 years ago. Name dropper. A guy whose name is also the same as a good chicken dish. I was rich. I haven't talked in a long time. Mike knows all the biggies. He's not rich.

It's like calling a fat guy tiny. It was like a private room we had up there at the Meadowlands. It was fucking awesome. It's all about money. I met Jerry Jones once, the owner of the Cowboys, and at the Super Bowl in Indianapolis, he had just made a trade where he just got money, and it wasn't even good for the team, and I asked him about it, and he said to me,

he goes, Artie, there's five rules of life. You know what they are? Number one's making money, and I forgot the other four. Which is just like, you know, exactly. Yeah. Exactly. I mean, let's call it what it is. But the Patriots, Tom Brady's becoming like an uncle that you hate you see every year at the holidays.

Yeah. He's always fucking there with his model fucking girlfriend and kids who were two when he started to play in the league. And now on his offensive line, he's been at six bowls. Basically, they're in the AFC Championship game every fucking year. Although this new kid, Lamar Jackson, he's incredible. Watching him, I don't know how long it's going to last. Belichick's a genius.

It's like, now I know how people who hate the Yankees feel as a Yankee fan. You know, a dynasty like this, I'll tell you why. The amazing Celtics dynasties, the Yankee dynasties, you've got to look at the times. In the NFL now, with the different markets getting all, salary caps, everything, what the Patriots have done the last 20 years is insane.

It's insane. It's insane. It really is. It just fucking reinvents. They reinvent football. And they just know their defense is insane. They are football. They are football. And anyone that hates the, it's reinvent, they reinvent football and they just know their defense is insane. They are football. They are football.

And anyone that hates them, like, I can't be, it's like, as a Charger fan, long suffering, it's like, I wish we could do that. By the way, the Chargers have to move to London. That's not a hop, skip and a jump. Someone pitch the idea. I just made all these Philadelphia Eagle fans going on a fucking drunken trip to London. They have no fans in L.A. They never will. That's why they suck this year.

Well, injuries and stuff. I'm not making issues. They're terrible. Why do they suck every other year? Since Dan Fouts and Charlie Joyner hung up the cleats. If you're trying to hurt me. I like quick hit gambling. Really?

Again, non sequitur Mike over here. You just brought up horse racing and non. Define quick hit gambling. Quick hit is better. You know why? What are you talking about? What's a quickracing. Define quick hit gambling. Quick hit is better. You know why? What are you talking about? What's a quick hit? Quick hit.

Quick hit gambling. Say quick hit again and we'll get it. Will you actually get it? Put a piece of gum in it. We know. Put in a blue chew. At least you'll have an erection. The blood will go to his dick.

No, but listen to me. Quick hit is. Wait, but we know what the words quick and hit mean. We don't know what they mean to get. Explain it. It's like punch and fight. It's slot machines. Explain it, Mike.

Slot machines and scratch off lottery tickets. I love you, Gino. It's not all that stuff you mean. Instant gratification like slot machines. Literally the bottom of the barrel. The white trash you're gambling. So scratch off tickets. You ever see like a homeless crackhead with those scratch offs?

They win $2, they get another one. I love them, though. Going to the store and breaking that ball, you wouldn't. Oh, yeah. The owner of that store, what a great part of his day. When Mike comes in and incessantly, obsessively does the scratch-offs. Were you the one that said the joke? The guy goes in, the story's like, I need to pick three.

He's like, $2. And he goes, 382? Yeah, 382 now. And 372. I lived in a neighborhood where the local wise guys did the numbers running thing. And the numbers, how they got them illegally were always supposed to be the first three horses that won at Aqueduct.

Whatever the number of the horses were, that was the number the next day. But that was corrupt. And again, if you won, they'd go, no, you didn the horses were, that was the number the next day. But that was corrupt. So everything, you know, and again, if you won, then you go, no, you didn't. No, you didn't. You're just like, oops. Pardon me, Dominic.

My fault. I must be the asshole. We're going to battle and fight. We're talking about fucking the numbers, really. We're going to battle and fight over the numbers. Well, listen, talking about numbers, Gino's ratings over Compound. Gino, we've come towards the end. Gino, I love you, buddy. Love you more.

Artie, listen to my... It's good to have you back. Thank you. You fought back. Thank you. You're back, buddy. I constantly get up. What could possibly go wrong?

Yeah, right, exactly. Everything's fucking hunky-dory. First of all, The Underover was three episodes. We beat that today Three and a hook So plug away, your show, everything Gino will be doing gigs with me Hopefully, I will be asking him

I'd love to do it, just go to my website Gino Bisconti, because I keep getting banned on Twitter And I don't give a fuck anymore Yeah, it's awful, Gino Bisconti Just like it sounds, G-E-N-O-B-I-S-C-O-N-T-E It takes you to my dates, it takes you to my Social media, Instagram, it takes you to my Football videos, it's awful. Gino Bisconti, just like it sounds, G-E-N-O-B-I-S-C-O-N-T-E. It takes you to my dates. It takes you to my social media, Instagram. It takes you to my football videos.

It's all right there. I still use the old intrawebs already. I'll give you four jokes that got me death threats on Twitter. Okay, the show Mixtish about a biracial family. Sure. I pitched a show about a biracial brain-dead family called Mixed Vegetables. Death threats. A movie about a cartoon whale with cancer called Finding Chemo. Gold. Death threats. Gold. Death threats. A movie about a cartoon whale with cancer called Finding Chemo. Death threats.

True, death threats. I said I had phone sex with a gay guy and I got hearing aids. Death threats. I called an Asian midget Peter Chinklage. Death threats. I'm not even kidding. Death threats. That's how those jokes are. That's why you don't mix cocaine and Twitter.

Fuck it. Just keep rolling brother I got pants For fighting people on that Punch and fights? No no You got pants For fighting people on that I want him to chew

Four blue chew With the next episode Well you do I don't I don't need Mike Humping the promo I can't think of Anything I'd like less

I don't need Mike Humping the fucking logo For the show So okay Thank you again to Pro Media. Thank you to Gino Bisconti. And, guys, this is just fun. This is the show.

We're going to have fun with funny people and Gino. Coming up on the show, we got Larry Holmes, the boxer. I don't know how we got him, but we're going to have him on. Didn't you say Carmelo Anthony was going to come on and try to spell receipt? That's my... I love that joke. That's a great one. Google Artie Lang classic bits, and you'll see that. Colin Quinn is coming up, and a lot of other friends.

Mike, any closing thoughts? I finally stopped hating Gina after today. Wow, that's a great closing. This is Artie Lang's Halfway House. Until next time, guys. That's how you clap. Until next time, guys. Sal you clap Until next time guys Salute Chintan Broccoli Rub I'll see you next time.