Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 5 - COLIN QUINN

Episode Date: December 9, 2019

All-time great comic Colin Quinn stops in to talk shop and get personal with Artie.  Sponsored by... MyBookie.ag - to go http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus BlueChew - go to BlueChew.com and use code Artie to try it for FREE!

Hey, look who's still on the air. If this is on the air, I don't know what we're on. I can't watch my own show. I don't have the technology or the knowledge to use it. This is the Artie Lang's Halfway House podcast with my co-host Mike Boschetti. We're back for another episode. Mike, how was your weekend? Your Thanksgiving? It was good

but I kind of hate Thanksgiving in a way. Well, you've really dolled it up for the audience. No, because it's a fucking tragedy. You told me something interesting during the commercial last time that you don't like to eat turkey because of the chemicals. You look like a health nut.

No, but it's tryptophan or the chemical bullshit. So you're afraid of tryptophan? It makes you sleep. It's horrific shit. I saw you have eight Reese's Pieces for breakfast. He's afraid of the chemicals in turkey. Yeah, you look like a Turkey Yeah you look like a regular You look like a trainer

But thank you Thank you for being here Mike Because you're my favorite person Without you Jackie Gleason used to say Art Carney was 90% of the honeymooners You're 98% of this Thank you

But it's 98% you and 2% me Well I just The math You're like a human calculator. My two guests, thank you, Mike. We're going to be, Mike will be here perpetually. Two people very dear to me are here. Relentlessly.

Yes, relentlessly. The great Jimmy Palumbo, Johnny Trino from Beer League, great actor. Hey, what's happening? My friend for a long time. I love you, Jim. And maybe my favorite human being. Such a good man. I love you, Jim. And maybe my favorite human being. Such a good man. The smartest comedian there is.

And our older brother. My generation of comics, I'd say Colin is our older brother. And I love him. And the great Colin Quinn. Thanks, Artie. What's up, buddy? How you doing? You look great.

You too. Yeah, right? Amazing. Would you ever thunk it? No. Let me ask you something, because you are someone who's been such a friend to me, like an older brother in a lot of ways. And be honest, was there ever a time in the last 10 years, 20 years, where you wrote me

off? You said, I'm going to be at Artie's funeral soon. Like, like... No, I mean, look, I mean, I deliberately kept away because I... I know, I know. I wanted... Very hard deliberately kept away because I wanted you. Very hard to see you when I was using. And that's not why I kept away. I kept away because I know your personality, your obstinate personality,

is like you had to do something that you had to do yourself in some weird way. Soul searching in a real way, which is what getting locked up did for me. You can't have other people. Yeah. So, I mean, but yeah, I never, I was always, I mean, I told everybody, Stacey, Scott, everybody, I was like, hey, you know what?

You just never know. You never know, right. This is a great. Right. I mean, listen, and again, I'm smart enough to know now, though, at 10 months and five days clean, as we sit here,

I, it's one day at a time. That's right. The problem I always – and I know you knew I was making this mistake whenever I'd see you because you were always so nice. But, again, you're someone that I can't bullshit. And, you know, trying to say, oh, I'm doing great. Everything's fine. You know, my nose is bleeding.

I'm sweating. I'm shaking. And I'm telling you, I'm saying, you yeah everything's great, I'll be okay and you hug me and what are you going to do, say a prayer and you let the guy go but you know it was always difficult for me but you know I always put pressure on myself

I'm like I'm never going to get high again I'm never going to get fucked up again and then you say then three seconds later when you want to get fucked up again you're like oh my god I just told everybody I can't get fucked up then that works then you say, then three seconds later, when you want to get fucked up again, you're like, oh my God, I just told everybody I can't get fucked up. Then that works on you. And ironically enough, that's why you relapse. So now, look, I can guarantee you between now and the end of this podcast, I'm not going to get high.

That's exactly, that's the greatest thing to hear. That's the only way to look at it. Yeah. And that, that, that adds up. That's the only way to look at it. Um, so, so listen, we, we, a couple of things I want to talk to you about. We talked about The Irishman. It's always good to talk movies with Colm. But I got to tell you a little story about me and you that you probably don't remember. And this is one of the many reasons I respect you

as an artist. In about 2001, you did The Stern Show, when I just started there. And you sat in for the news. And we went to the Brooklyn Diner and got a $400 breakfast. Colm was always with the biggies of the Brooklyn diner. Me or Jerry Seinfeld are stuttering John. Always getting a polenta at the expensive diner, but we went there a lot.

So we sat there and we were talking about the state of the business, the show business at the time. And you said something to me and you stuck to your word. You said, I'm never auditioning for somebody else's material again. I'm never doing it. Because you don't know what their vision is.

I'm not talking about guys like Sandler, your friends, who just say, I need you to be in a movie. Right. I'm talking about, you said,

who knows, some asshole kid has a project who gets hot for two seconds and you go in there and it's their work. You're trying to interpret it. I'm not doing it anymore.

I'm going to write my own shit and just do my own shit. And what you have in there, and it's their work. You're trying to interpret it. I'm not doing it anymore. I'm going to write my own shit and just do my own shit. And what you have mastered is you've really mastered the one-man show, I think, in many ways. I mean, you know, the first one-man show I saw you do on Broadway was An Irish Wake. And this is where we really bonded because did you see that, Jimmy? I always told you about it because I pray, unlike the rest of America. I didn't really know you then. Well, I'm saying you don't have to know him. Did you know John Stamos when you saw How to Succeed in Business?

Did you see it? No, not probably. Big musical. No, but what I'm saying is I knew you a little bit. I knew you a little bit, and I loved you. But then I see this Irish Wake, and I go, this guy's on another level. You did it on Broadway. Lorne Michaels produced it.

And I saw that three fucking times. I saw it with a chick I was dating. I saw it with my mom and sister. I took them to see it, and they fell in love with it. And I saw it by myself. I was passing by. That's an honor, man. That's an honor.

Yeah, I saw it by myself. it's so fucking funny and poignant and uh a neil young song at the end uh i remember talking to you about that and and then so this thing happened at the brooklyn diner after and i and i remember saying yeah dude do it i could watch you do that stuff all the time and now so explain your process with a little bit with the one man show. Like, you know so much about history, like the Constitution stuff

and the book you're writing now. Like, you sit down and you go, how does that happen? Well, like,

like, like I went to, like I'll write down, I mean, like stand up wise, I'll just be interested. Like I'm interested in whatever's going on right now.

A great bit you did recently, I saw you at the Cellars, about how human resources are like the mafia now. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Anybody bothering you? What is that? Like the human resources people at work are just like, they got such power now. They have such power, it's crazy.

But that's, so right now, people think like this is normal. You know what I mean? So throughout history, I was like, you know, we feel like everyone now is brainwashed, right? Like, you see, people say, this is the way you're supposed to speak. This is what works. This is evolved behavior. Right, right.

But I'm saying, no, no. Since time began, when people were doing witches, they had the same mentality. Slavery, same mentality. Cigarettes, same mentality. So it's all about now, the show is called The Wrong Side of History. So it's about how everybody thinks that they're evolved when human nature never evolves. It's just other stuff evolves.

Right. So how is that dangerous though? People think like in other words, like, you know, I mean, the world is really lopsided money wise right now. You got these like vulture capitalists, venture capitalists, guys who don't work and make money. And they do get this godlike thing where I'm more evolved than you. It's like an elitist thing. Of course. When we're really just

the same jerk-offs we were a thousand years ago. Right, right. And that's what the wrong side of history is. The wrong side of history is just thinking that somehow we're going to be, you know, that somehow we got the answers. Right, like... We got this. We got the answers now. Right, right.

We understand what human nature and what the problem is. It's just another... So now the people that have the power to code would be more in charge than the people that have the power to shoot an arrow or whatever. You know what I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Exactly. So, I mean, again, if you... But the way technology is... I mean? Yeah, absolutely. Exactly. So, I mean, again, if you, like, but the way technology is,

I say this all the time. Did anybody in this room go to high school with someone who was smart enough to invent the fucking iPhone? No. I mean, how big is Asia? I mean, the smartest kid

in my high school, the most impressive thing he could do was fart a whole lot of love by Led Zeppelin. Me too. I mean, an iPhone. An iPhone.

Who, who, I mean, you know, that's like black magic. Yes. And I could understand where these tech guys could think, maybe I'm God. Yeah, of course. But the industrial revolution

is just as impressive. I don't know if it's just like what your point before is, but the guy who invented radio is actually more impressive than an iPhone, if you think about it. Because no one was able to communicate. The idea of a picture. I was impressed by a digital watch in the early 70s. Mike doesn't eat turkey, so he's smarter than us.

Can I ask Colin one question? Go right ahead. I'm just dying for that. Colin, how long have they known that Columbus... Who's they? The blacks? How did you have a guy that also... Go ahead.

How long do you think people have known that Columbus was a fucking bloody pirate and just hid it from us? I think since the day Columbus said... Years ago when we grew up, everybody was like, oh, Chris is a hero. I've never seen Colin confused by a question. Well, I mean, look, Columbus

was an explorer. That's what explorers did. I mean, it's not like... They weren't like the perfect people. Yeah, they weren't going to go and go listen. And they always, you know, the other thing about Columbus, they always say, like, there was a, you know, there was a little pushback. It wasn't like you just walked in and started slicing people. They were like, hey, who's this asshole?

Fuck him. He's like, oh, fuck me, fuck you. Again, these were business people. This was about money. Yeah. You know, and slavery. Look, what Jew accountant's going to go, slavery's not a, it's a great idea for the business. It's free work.

Yeah. You know, and. Well, let's. But Columbus was, you know, again, it was 1492. It was a different attitude. It was a munch. Yeah, I don't think Trevor Noah was on at that point. It's a great, it's a great scene at the a great scene at the end of Apocalypto. Yeah.

Oh, whoa, whoa. Mel Gibson. They're all fighting. It's such an internal. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're caught up in it, too. Right. And then suddenly they get to the beach and like, oh, shit, what's this?

It's like, hey, guess what? We're going to take this to another level, buddy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, man, listen, greed and stuff like that, I mean, once you get a billion dollars, I mean, start giving it away or something. I always tell this, but I had every vice on the planet, and I didn't make, you know, Allen Iverson money, and I had jerk-offs in my life who were hangers-on. I had gambling, hookers, cocaine, heroin.

And I never really ran out of money. Like, how do these motherfuckers... You know, if you got a billion dollars, start... I don't know. You don't have to help the world, but I'm like, you know... But doesn't Bill Gates

give a lot of... most of it away? Yeah, I'm saying, but there's guys... I was so bad for his kids. There's guys... They're like, hey, Dad, relax.

Well, look at our Warren... His kids are only getting a little... Oh, yeah. Yeah, Warren Buff His kids are only getting a little pushy. Oh, yeah. Yeah, Warren Buffett does. But Warren Buffett does, right? He does. But why doesn't Jimmy Buffett?

I mean, you know. Yeah. He's got enough. Warren Buffett's humble act is starting to get on my nerves. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. Sometimes. It's like, I'm just a homespun guy. I think he just wants some of that 60-year-old pussy.

Oh, that's too old. That's old. Well, he's 111. That's a joke.year-old pussy. Oh, that's too old. That's old. Well, he's 111. That's a joke. That's young pussy. By the way, this is what Mike Buschetti has to read today.

Oh, it's going to be easy. Look at the size of these letters. And Colin saw him look at him. Mike goes, oh. Yeah. Sorry, Mike. That's okay. No worries.

He's here for the game. So, you saw the Irishman. Yeah. Okay, so explain. This is a guy who, do you know Colin, this is one of my favorite things on anyone's resume. Colin bombed at a Robert De Niro's birthday party.

Oh. Yeah. You didn't see Irish Wakey? That's my favorite story. I bombed at a 60th birthday party. His wife's another. You didn't see Irish Wake? You didn't know my famous story. I bombed at a 60th birthday party. For De Niro. His wife invites me. It was just a, it was every. How does his wife reach out to you? Like she knew your work?

She saw me at SNL or something. So anyway, and I actually look like De Niro. Tukey Smith? Tukey, no, no. The other black one? Grace Hightower. Right, Grace Hightower. And she reaches out to me as a normal human being...

Yeah, you played De Niro on SNL a couple of times. I played De Niro on SNL, and she's like... In front of De Niro. Could you come and just do De Niro for like four minutes on... Oh, she wanted you to do the impression. She wanted me to do the impression. Okay. At De Niro's birthday party.

Oh, my God. So who's there? This is everything that's wrong with me, this story, by the way. I took it like Ralph Crampton. I'm like, I'm not going to do four minutes. I'm going to do 20 minutes. Oh, no. You, this guy.

I get 20 minutes. You understand what your husband means to me and people like me? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm going to make this a tribute like you've never seen. Oh, so you're going to do the sappy shit, too. Not all laughs. Not all funny, but sappy in the middle. Yeah, it was going to be a full-

Because you don't do sappy. No, it was going to be like a Peter Allen type thing. Like I go up and down. Yeah, you mean? But like, you know, do it. Peter Allen. Shouldn't be Mark Woody Allen. Whoopi and-

So Whoopi Goldberg there. Whoopi Goldberg, Billy Crystal. Whoopi and Billy were probably supportive of you as a comic. No, no. Whoopi Goldberg there. Whoopi Goldberg, Billy Crystal. Whoopi was, and Billy was probably supportive of you as a comic. No, no. No. Billy Crystal, I mean, Whoopi was, and Robin Williams, and Billy Crystal, but Billy Crystal knew, like, I slammed him a couple of times on SNL, so he told Jeff Ross. And he's a total asshole.

And he goes, what's this guy Colin Quinn, which is probably me. Oh, come on. It's like he's fucking immune to it. We all break balls. This must have been, I know, but he must have sensed there was more to it. Because it was all that big a joke. And then the top AFI film, My Giant, that kind of stuff. And then Chris Walken,

Chaz Palminteri. Christopher Walken. Irwin Winkler. The real power player. Suisei wasn't there. That's my only lucky break. And so De Niro's there. But I mean, that's a room, man. You don't know if that's a room, man. He's casting so often. You don't know if that's a room that has a sense of humor even.

Yes. Because Billy Crystal, a funny, talented guy, clearly no sense of humor. Right. Right. But you got Robin Williams there. Right. There's enough people there. Robin was probably nice to you. It's not even dark.

Right. But then, so rule number one, I go to a, I ignore what she said. So already I broke rule number one. Yeah, she just wanted you To do four minutes Of the fucking impression Four minutes and get out Three minutes

Right Thirty seconds probably Right So I go there It's at a restaurant Le Cirque Thirty seconds It's just getting dark

And the waiting staff I feel bad for the waiters They're like hey I'm doing this thing It's a very difficult Thing to do man I don't care how Experiential I am

But I'm No money That's secondary She goes what do youial I am. I had good money to do it. No money. That's secondary. She goes, what do you charge? I go, nothing. I charge for this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go.

No, you, you, nothing. Yeah, because this is going to be in my mind also. The Times-Corsese is there in my mind. He's going to be like, how did I miss this guy? This is a bigger deal than getting an Emmy for a college. I mean, to be asked to do that. Absolutely. And so I go up.

Now, rule number two that I break. And he already knows. All these is a comedy. Rule number two, she goes, I'll introduce you. Oh, good. And I go, no, don't introduce me. Oh, no. I'll just go up cold.

That's crazy. So now you've abandoned even like your natural instincts. Oh, for two, though. Yeah. Oh, did she host this? No. Did she host it? Yeah, she was on the scene.

No, no, I'm saying that it happened. There's no host. But it's like, yeah, she's putting a birthday party together. It's me. Great side to have, guys. She'd be the one that would write. She'd be the one that would say. I'll be at the Funny Bone next week.

Oh, God, I'm already getting like Because by the way, just to give you props I saw you do it Howard's 50th birthday party That Rob and Quivers put together You came in And I didn't even know Colin was coming I'm at the table

We're all there And you destroyed Yeah But you roasted us I roasted A friendly roast Okay, so So this is

So you go up cold So I go up cold Not even a waiter says There's a comedian coming up in between the appetizers? No. So here's rule number three. Instead of going up, I couldn't memorize it because it's all stuff about De Niro. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I make sure there's like a podium. I lay out four sheets of paper on the podium. Right. Get on that, Mike. So I can refer to the notes. Yeah. So it's already bad. So now you're Janine Garofalo.

Now you're Lenny Bruce reading his court transcript. Yes! So I go up, they're still talking. I go, hello everybody. Now, before I break, I go, I'm here to talk about Robert De Niro. I don't know him that well.

These are his friends. These are his friends. Why would somebody... And then I start trying to roast him. I go for that bulletin. These are his friends. Why would somebody... And then I start trying to roast him. I go, De Niro, I know his movies. I slam him with a couple of jokes about his bad movies. Yeah, that's good. The place is like...

Then I try to turn on Chris Walken. I try to turn on him and roast him. Who seems like a maniac who might have killed Natalie Wood. Yeah. I mean, Chris Walken, I love him. The only thing worse I could have done was a Natalie who might have killed Natalie Wood. I mean, Christopher Walken, I love him, but he seems crazy. The only thing worse I could have done was a Natalie Wood joke. You're right. Thank God. I guess it wasn't as bad as it could have been.

Anyway, in about two minutes, I realized this is bad. But I won't give up because in my head, I'm like, no, this is my night to shine. Even at that point, do you say, let me do the four minutes I agreed to and get the fuck out? You're trying to save it. I'm like Terry Malloy. My night. That's my night to shine. Even at that point, do you say, let me do the four minutes I agreed to and get the fuck out? No, I'm like Terry.

You're trying to save it. I'm like Terry Malloy. My night. Yeah, yeah. That's my night, Charlie. I could have taken De Niro apart that night. Hell of a three round. Instead, what happens?

So I just keep bombing and bombing and sweating and my suit gets soaked. And you're talking about decision makers and show business in the room, too. Real shock callers like Erwin Winkler. Not Fonzie. No. Erwin Winkler. These are the people that, you know, yeah. Would have been bad enough anyway.

And it's just so ugly, and I won't stop. Yeah. I won't leave. In your head, are you thinking... Because Chappelle had that great observation about Michael Richards. Part of me as a black man was saying, that's fucked up, but as a comedian, I'm like, come on, man, you can get him back.

Hilarious. So in your head, are you rationalizing, I could get these motherfuckers? No, well, of course, in the back of your head. Or you just want to torture yourself. No, no, no, because like you said, when you have a set, even though I didn't have it, when you have a set to do, you're always like, there's got to be a turning point.

This can't be happening. You know what's great about it? You never think you're in a bad spot. I said about Richard Lewis' stand-up, too. What's great about you is, you know, your stand-up especially, even your one-man show. You know, obviously a one-man show on Broadway, HBO, it's insanely rehearsed.

It looks like you're just saying it off the top of your head. You're one of those guys. It looks like you're improvising. Yeah. So, but I mean, you're talking about a tough room. Tough room. I made all the mistakes. But not only could you, not only could you justify someone bringing you up, like at that

point, in that room, you could justify someone showing a two-hour documentary on who Colin Quinn is first. Absolutely. You're going cold. Absolutely. Did you ever do a De Niro impression? Well, yeah. Are we doing the show?

I mean, it just gets douchier. How long were you actually up there? I mean, probably... I would say anywhere between 14 and 18 minutes. Oh, my God. Give me a code. Yeah, but anybody laughing ever.

The witch is like an eternity. If you're bombing at Yuck Yucks in Toronto, that's a forever. But in this room at Le Cirque. Were you getting the murmur? Were people even, did they tune out away? Well, but they didn't tune away. They're just kind of talking to each other like it's his birthday, so they're trying to be respectful.

Yes, yes, yes. So it's not, tuning out would have been better. And now Grace Hightower is probably going like, what did I do? Her and De Niro are just looking at each other and she's trying to explain. It's just ugly. You don't know what industry people are thinking of people sometimes, do they? Yes, except here's how you know. Because I told that story and I was like

oh, you know, years later I was like you know what, maybe it wasn't quite as awful as I thought it was and then me and Norton were running to De Niro and Grace Hightower outside the cell The great Jim Norton, right? Yeah, we were running to the cell outside the cell when he's researching that abominable comedian movie

so we're talking for a couple of minutes while having laughs, they're cool. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Norton goes, hey, remember when he bombed at your birthday party? Oh, no. Their faces darkened.

Their eyes got so angry that even Jim to this day admits it was that traumatic to them too. He was trying to bust your balls, but he said that was even a little too much when he saw the reaction.

Like, it was clearly a tragic moment in their life. I mean, 10 years, they've been around the world five times. And it's still... They done coke with Lenny Dykstra in St. Barts. Yes. And they were just sitting there.

And he said, they look in their faces. Even... But listen, you just described something that I don't think any comedian's ever described. You saw the person who booked you apologizing for booking you while you were doing your set. Absolutely.

Well, that's rough. She's explaining to me. And it's Grace Hightower apologizing to Robert De Niro. One of the ugliest. And then when I walk outside, of course,

the famous part was after it's a worst, I mean, I'm covered in sweat. Yeah, yeah. But I had a shirt. I had a real gig that night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

A stand-up gig. So I have a new shirt I was so proud of a cashmere shirt on a hanger oh my god and it was a light drizzle of rain I walk out into

5th Avenue and I'm waiting for a cab Robin Williams goes out he goes oh my god he goes oh my god I felt he goes my wife goes

go help me he goes he doesn't want me to help him no yeah so Robin was cool right yeah yeah and then I go I don't know what happened and I go like this

I gesture and my new cashmere $300 shirt flies off the hangar into the street in a puddle, and a cab runs it over. Oh, fuck. And I look at Robin Williams like this with an empty hangar, and he starts crying with laughter. That is such a bad, that's a bad showbiz day. I turned around and walked. I got a question for you.

How did you do with the next gig that night? You had to be wild. Probably killed. Whoa. He's a pro, dude. Let me tell you something. Let me tell you something. The chain of events you just described as a tragic showbiz day,

the thing I have to— Okay, here's my version of that. 1996, I get on MADtv. The second season, after going to rehab, Quincy Jones treats me like a brother. He says, go to rehab, come back. I'm kicking ass. I relapse on coke and I go to jail.

I'm in L.A. County jail. Quincy pretty much tells me, man, you got to go get better, dude. I don't know if it's going to work out. I love you. You know, so now I lose my one big job in show business. I probably am done with the business. I don't know what's going to happen. I got to go back to road gigs.

I'm in an orange jumpsuit when Quincy tells me that in L.A. County jail. Okay. Earlier that year, earlier that year, earlier that year, I had shot a scene in Jerry Maguire. Okay. In April of 96, I shot a scene in Jerry Maguire. It's coming out Christmas time. Two weeks after I get arrested, it's coming out. I told everybody in my life I'm going to be in a Tom

Cruise movie. The scene's with Tom Cruise. Okay. I get the guard with the help of Quincy. I get the guard after Quincy tells me, man, TV's over. I'm now looking at a felony. I took a swing at a cop. I'm looking at time in L.A. County. Assault on a cop. Possession. I had an eight bullet blow on me. Alright. Serious idea. Okay.

I'm in the orange jumpsuit with a blood and a crip who are mad at each other. And a Latin king, a five percenter. Okay. This is my life. I say to the guard, I gotta, I need to use the phone. This is my version of it raining on your sweater. Okay. All this shit happens. I say to the guy, I need to use the phone. This is my version of it raining on your sweater, okay? All this shit happens. I got to check my answering machine because I owed a bookie in Staten Island 30 grand for the Tyson fight.

First message on a machine. It's not the bookie. He was the second message threatening to kill my family. First message is Cameron Crowe, okay? He goes, Artie Cameron Crowe, listen, I've been meaning to call you. Your agent just gave me your number. Listen, dude, you were great in the movie,

but the scene just didn't work out. I'm so sorry. You're not in the film, but maybe we can work together in the future. Hang up. Now I'm in an orange jumpsuit. I just hear that.

I'm looking at the gang members in line. Then the bookie goes, dude, I need this money. I need this 30 Gs. I'm 3,000 miles away. I have to protect my family. That's meie goes, dude, I need this money. I need this 30 G's. I'm 3,000 miles away. I don't have to protect my family. That's me. Like, again, sometimes...

You know, I told everyone I'm going to be in Jerry Maguire. Meanwhile, it's 1996. I haven't heard from Cameron Crowe since, so we haven't worked together. He didn't call me for Vanilla Sky. So, you know, I mean, sometimes, when a day like that, did it ever go through your mind, I'm leaving the business?

No. You got a gig that night. But I just would have liked to have seen you turn around and look at the quick blood and be like this. Just give me. Sorry, I'm having a day. Do you believe this, guys? Can you believe the day I'm having? The worst thing that ever happened to me was, I don't know how bad.

It's got to be worse than that. No. First of all, just a picture of Mike. This is a promo for the show. Mike, that picture of Mike, the worst thing that ever happened to me was... That's a tease. I don't know if this is...

Buying that Talia shirt... I'm a certain kind of guy. This is the best tease I've ever had. I don't think this is as bad as you guys, but Hank in front of Brandon Tartikoff in the Improv in L.A., not even close. Not even close to as bad. That's not a good thing either. Brandon Tartikoff. Tell the people who Brandon Tartikoff in the Improv in LA. Not even close. Not even close to his bed.

That's not a good thing either. Brandon Tartikoff. Tell the people who Brandon Tartikoff is. He was the head of NBC for years. Right, okay. No, but I went on after Rondell Sherrod. I should never have been on this showcase. Yeah, no one wants to follow Rondell Sherrod.

No, no. I'm sure he murdered. I was only a comic a couple of years, right, Colin? Yeah. Rondell fucking murdered in that movie. You don't follow the who in rock and roll. It just was like... You don't follow Bob O'Reilly, and you don't follow Rondell. Yes.

The Stones found out, and Bichetti found out. You don't follow James Brown. No, but you know why? Because if Tardikov was there, I should be looking like it. And he was just watching me, and part of his face was like smiling, and the other part's like, who sent me to shoot this fucking idiot? But you have no etiquette in that. I did stand up with Mike a couple of weeks ago

at a club, a small club on the Upper West Side, and Michael Imperioli was nice enough to come in and see my act. And he sits down. I don't know who's coming in. I'm on stage. Mike sees him come in. And what was your instinct, Mike?

I was going to go over to him. While I'm on stage. I was going to go over to him. Hey, Spider, how you doing? I'm going to yell out a spider joke to Michael Imperioli while I'm on stage. I mean, are you even, have you been around show business?

I'm only playing. Not only that, but he's been in Sopranos. He doesn't want to be known as Spider. He has a spider, but you think he gets Spider more than Sopranos, baby. No, but I. What's his, I'm Rick James, bitch. Is it Christopher or Spider? Spider. It's got to be.

It's got to be Spider. Yeah. No, but seriously. So that's what he wanted to do while I was on stage. I shouldn't come in. I could tell he didn't want to be bought. He's seen him come in. I just let him be by himself in reality. Well, exactly.

He gives off that vibe. I can't believe your instinct was to do that. You're in showbiz. Yeah, but he says my instinct was at the bottom, and then he wanted the bottom. It's as bad as Norton. Norton has to take a fucking picture with every person that comes in and God didn't sell us.

He's got a great Nicholas Cage story, right? Well, you got to, at some point, my first month on the starting show, David Wells came in, and I'm a big Yankee fan. So at the end of the fucking interview, he was on the cover of the Daily News the same day. He was leaving the Yankees as I'm coming back to the Yankee Stadium for the first time to pitch. And I'm lined up like a fan at a baseball card signing to get his autograph on the Daily News.

I ask him, and of course Howard doesn't, the brilliance of Howard, he doesn't bash me off the air. On the air he goes, Artie, what was that? When Howard goes, what was that? Like digging, and I'm like, Christ. But you know, it's funny about, we were talking about doing sappy stuff too,

but this is what Colin always points out. At Patrice O'Neill's wake as memorial service, Jimmy Norton, a lot of comics went up and Colin was, you know, it's funny stories about Patrice and everything. And I love Jimmy, but this is so true. But this is something that Colin points out. Jimmy Norton wanted to make the point that he was getting a lot of emails at his own personal

Yeah, you know website about how much they love Patrice But when he read the email he started off without the person said they loved him first I'm a friend of Eddie Brill's and I love I still remember And Patrice's poor mother said, who's Eddie Brill? Yes. But then the email goes, Jimmy, first of all, I want to say I love you. I love your comedy. And then the comedy goes, you could have knocked out the part where they complimented you.

What? Literally reading, he's like Mr. Authentic. Like, I read it verbatim. I don't leave anything out like he's a fucking integrity journalist. Moron. What about, by the way, out like he's a fucking integrity journalist. Moron. By the way, speaking of improv bombing, the best bombing in the improv was you ever hear Bruce Smearnoff with the Johnny Carson

shirt? No. What happened? Oh my god, it's like the legendary story. Oh, the improv in L.A.? Yeah. What is that? Just that he's doing it, auditioning for a time show. Who is this? Bruce Smearnoff. Not Yakov? No, no. But he's, like, auditioning, and they go, Jim McCauley goes, hey, you know,

Johnny would come see you in those days. Yeah. Johnny's going to come out and see you. It's a big deal, 1981. That's as big as it gets. Oh, yeah. You're talking about your career changing immediately. The one night he's on, he's doing his five-minute set.

A drunk is heckling him. Oh, no. Oh, yeah. It's Johnny. You're kidding me. drunk is heckling him. Oh, no. It's Johnny. You're kidding me. Johnny's heckling him. You suck. Fuck you.

He's all drunk. He's with a girl. You queer. He's with a girl. So after the show. He's with a girl. After the show, Bud Friedman goes,

Johnny's too drunk to drive. You have to drive him home. Oh, God almighty. He has to drive Johnny home. Oh, that's fantastic. He's driving Johnny home and the girl in the back is going, I thought he was pretty funny. I think you're funny. Johnny's going, he's not fucking funny. He's driving him home.

Johnny's thinking of a car. The guy you just... Johnny's in the back. The guy whose life you just ruined is driving you home. And Johnny's going, you car The guy you just Johnny's in the back The guy whose life You just ruined Is driving you home And Johnny's going He goes

You don't understand comedy He's not funny He'll never be on The Fuck It Tonight show So he's gotta hear that Over and over From the biggest The most powerful man

In comedy He was probably The most powerful man In comedy Yes And then When they get to his gate All these other cars

Were following them Up the thing, or Johnny Carson. So Johnny thinks Bruce tipped them off. He's like, you fucking cocksucker. I'm going to fucking ruin your career. You fucking tell these people to follow you. That's amazing.

And meanwhile, if it were today, Bruce Mayer would have said to Johnny, hey, could you follow me on Instagram? Of course. But again, stories that relate to that. You know the great Dan Vitale you know Dan Vitale yes of course Dan Vitale is a great

great stand up comic he's the guy Jim if you remember the New York Comedy Club who did the bit about on Jeopardy in 1992 if you lose the money

you should actually owe Alex Trebek the money on Jeopardy that's so funny and he used to go at the end with the credits hey I'm in a hole over here anyway an amazing comic yep he was on Saturday at the end with the credits, hey, I'm in a hole over here. Anyway, an amazing

comic. He was on Saturday Night Live right after the Eddie Murphy years. Okay, this might be up there with the Bruce again. He had some trouble with substances. He would tell you that. Okay. He gets on SNL

and Lorne Michaels was there so it must have been when he just came back and Lorne, he thinks he's going to be the next John Belushi, Dan and within three weeks of being on the show, he's not getting on the air but he's starting to write, Lorne says to him

hey I got Yankee tickets tonight I'm going with Penny Marshall and Art Garfunkel so it's Penny Marshall Art Garfunkel, Dan Vitale, and Lorne Michaels. Yeah. Okay. So a big deal in a young comic's life. Of course.

The guy producing the show. But he's on the edge of getting fired. He's worried. But he says maybe Lorne reaching out to him. They go to the fucking game. They go to the Yankee game. They're in a limousine on the way back from the Yankee game. Vitale gets insanely drunk.

Maybe a little blow, whatever. In the limo, throws up on Art Garfunkel. And Penny Marshall. Throws up. Throws up. Oh, my God. On Penny Marshall and Art Garfunkel. That's career.

That is fucking horrible. He was fired the next day. Whoa. Yeah. He threw up on Matt Lorne. It would be better for Lorne the next day. Whoa. Yeah. He threw up on, not Lauren, it would be better for Lauren on his guests. Yes, yes.

And Lauren likes everything very precise. Oh, yeah. I just want to laugh at him. I mean. Oh, God. Just Christ. I mean, you know.

That was not on a cue card to help on my guests. No. And you know, Art Garfunkel's like, this too. He went back to his hotel, he's like, fuck it. First Paul Simon shits all over me.

I mean, but again, that's rock and roll. When I hear stories like that, it just makes me love a guy more. It just makes me love a guy more, you know. Christopher Walken, Kamal, one of the Jerky Boys, a good friend of mine has a story about Christopher. Great guess, great guess. He does perfect impressions, and it's goingky Boys, a good friend of mine, has a story about Christopher. Great gas. Great gas. He does perfect impressions. And it's going to help the wall get an impression here.

He does great shame. There was a bar where all these actors hung out that Gas and Kamal went to with this guy who was sort of an asshole actor who tried to get network every time he saw people. Right, right. I know the one. So there's a huge fight outside this bar in Times Square where all these actors hang out. And someone gets thrown out and, like, is all bloodied from a bar fight. And it's Christopher Walken. Oh.

Oh, hilarious. So the kid, like, the kid who tries to network with everybody picks up Walken and Kamala and, you know, realize that this is Christopher Walken. And he says to Walken, are you okay? And he's like, yeah. And he goes, hey, listen, has a headshot. Took a headshot. Took a headshot out of his fucking briefcase. And again, the hearing gas to

Walken here is so, I'm going to try to do it. He gives, he says, hey, I'm an actor. Do you mind giving this? I know your wife is a casting director, which she is. Can you take my headshot? So Walken, like, he hears him say that. He's dusting himself off and it doesn't What's your name?

What I want you to do Darryl I Want you to turn around and walk directly that way. And I want you to go as far away from me as you can or I'm going to beat the shit out of you. But, but just, you hear someone who does a perfect walk

and he goes, just about, what's your name? He wanted to know, he just didn't want him to tell off, he wanted to tell him off with a personal,

that's the only reason why would you want his name? Right. So he could say, Daryl, I want you to turn around. Or I'm going to beat the shit out of you. Vinnie Penn is a name that, again, you talk about disasters when you're trying to make a name in show business. When I was, it looked like I might get the job on Howard to sit in the chair.

And I was booked on 9-10 and 9-12-01, not 9-11. I was part-time. So I was there the Monday and the Wednesday. There was one guy who Gary was friends with who was sort of an unknown comic from Connecticut that Howard agreed to give a shot to, 9-11.

That's when he, that was his time to be funny. So the plane hits at 8-30 and the kid hasn't really talked yet, but he goes, I'll kill during the news. Like he's like, and the kid hasn't really talked yet, but he goes, I'll kill you on the news. Like, he's like, I'll kill you on the news. Oh, God.

He goes, I'll kill you on the news. And then the biggest terrorist attack of all time happens. I mean, again, sometimes, you know, comedy is filled. And again, as comics, we don't want to hear stories about when stuff goes right. We love the shit like that. I mean, it's so funny because you can really identify with that. Yeah, yeah. All right, so the Irishman.

Yeah. Okay, now, Jimmy, give your take on what you— Again, I got my opinions, but again, the Irishman. Well, I guess I think everyone thinks, including the Scorsese family, thinks it was too long. Yeah. I also think— It was all three godfathers. It's also been done.

The music, the voiceover, the envelopes, giving the envelope to an FBI agent. Yeah, but here's my argument for that. With Unknown Wiseguys, yeah, this is Scorsese's take on Hoffa. About a credible theory. Hoffa's been done. That's what you're going to— Yeah, but not by— Jack Nichols.

But Mark Scorsese's kind of like, you know, you want to see De Niro, Scorsese. Casino, Goodfellas. Yeah, but it's Jimmy Hoffa Scorsese's kind of like, you know, you want to see De Niro, Scorsese... Casino, Goodfellas. Yeah, but it's Jimmy Huffalo. This is a major thing. So, okay, I'll give you that. Here's my point, especially in this day and age, is Scorsese, look, in Goodfellas, Sorvino cutting the garlic with the fucking razor blade.

I love shit like that. Of course. All those details. Yes. Great. The pork adds the flavor, all that shit. There's some shit in that movie, the broad smoking in the back of the car.

How, how, good, but how, how many times you got to go back to that? Okay, you don't want the chick smoking in the car. Right. Show it once. It's like you got to, the slow walk to the plane is, I get, like, as a filmmaker,

but it's like, man, get to the fucking, once is enough. Get to the rip, you know, a little bit, but it's like, man, get to the fucking... Once is enough. Get to the rip, you know? A little bit. But who's going to tell Scorsese to cut shit out of a movie? I know. What is your theory? How did you like it? Well, I was saying it's like Goodfellas. You took all the action out. It's a lot

of slow shit. But also, the Joe Gallo thing. Will you try to tell me that Joe Gallo... Was Sebastian Manascoli? Was killed by. Was killed by. He insulted somebody at the Copa. Then they followed him down.

Yeah. To the restaurant. Right. It emptied out the streets. And then they shot. Everybody knows what happened. Yeah. A local.

Everybody knows. Witnesses. Everybody knows. Right. Those guys. It happened. Really at Umberto's in Little Italy. Umberto's at three in the morning.

He went in. Nobody, some local guy. Was he even with his family? He was with his family. Yeah, yeah. And a local guy was there named Joe Pesh. Right. And he goes into the club where these mob guys are,

and he goes, the U-Bots is over at Umberto's. So, yeah, right. So, some guy, yeah, yeah, yeah. And then they go, oh, fuck that. We're going gonna kill him and they just went off and killed him it was like

an impulsive thing it had to be because the word was out on him but was he really the guy who was responsible for Columbo Joe Gallo

when he killed the boss like did he really do that he paralyzed him so I mean there you go he paralyzed him so that's a big deal but

that's another interesting one huh yeah so crazy Joe Gallo is a great figure in the history of the Mafia, because he really was a lunatic who went his own way. He was a cowboy, but he was respected. Yeah. You know, and

again, nobody shows that like Scorsese in a movie. The way De Niro and the Copa are saying to him, listen, you know, first of all, Jimmy Norton is Rickles. Oh, I love it. Fantastic. I gotta say to my buddy Jimmy, great job, and I wish he was in it more but that was that was so much fun

perfect he's got the lean he's doing it and the idea that Crazy Joe Gallo thinks he's as funny as Rickles like he goes well Rickles is the only guy

I can fuck around with he's a major funny comedian that was the greatest yeah that said a lot about the audience but remember David Susskind interviewed that guy Joey the Hitman?

Yes, of course. You remember that? David Susskind back in the day. This big fat guy, probably a Staten Island guy with a hood over his head. The first real mafia guy to talk. And Susskind is clearly scared to death of the guy. Yeah. Speaking of Joe Gallo, there's a great moment in that documentary, in that interview,

where Susskind says to the guy, who's the craziest guy? He goes, well, crazy Joe Gallo had a lion in his basement in Brooklyn. And Susskind's like, excuse me? He goes, he had a lion in his basement in Brooklyn. You owe the money to get to see the lion. He goes, in Brooklyn. He goes, yeah. He goes, where did he get the lion? He goes, I don't know. Where did he get the lion? Africa? I don't know.

I remember that interview, and I remember saying, this it was I remember saying this guy is kind of charismatic perfect right with a hood on he was more charismatic

than most comedians yes and he was a fat fat big fat guy and he was just like I did what I had to do you could tell he was just a lethal fuck

he was like he was like yeah he said my brother is the most important guy in my life when we were kids we never got meat.

And we had a steak once. He gave me the whole steak. He didn't eat half of it. Right. Oh, God. Oh, you got that memory. I forgot. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

People want to play Jell-O. So, so, out of rate five stars, what do you give the Irishman? I mean. Considering you bombed at the Nero's. And I owe him one. And I'm holding that against him. No, you owe him one. Yeah, but I don't know

Scorsese, nothing. Yeah, yeah. I'd give it a 2.5. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, listen, I find myself going, like... I don't hold it against

the actors that are at De Niro, Pesci. It's just, if you're judging the overall movie... So you blame it totally on Scorsese as an actor trying to get work.

That's what you're willing to say publicly? Well, listen... You want Pesci to try to bail out of it the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love Pesci. Well to bail out of it the whole time. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You had a problem

with how many times he kept saying, Jimmy, you know, you got to tell Jimmy, you got to tell him. But you have to put that in because that shows how many chances.

They actually did like this guy and they're making money with him. But it was repetitive. But you got to show, look, I gave him a lot of fucking chances. I just think some of those things,

some of those stylistic, like the tracking shots in his other movies, they had real meeting. But in this movie, show, look, I gave him a lot of fucking chances. That I think is important to the story. Some of those stylists, like the tracking shots in his other movies, they had real meeting, but in this movie it was like they were just shoving in the tracking shot. Yeah. The famous Scorsese thing. You know what? It's not going through the compo with Ray Liotta and Lamar Bracknell.

It's been done. That movie's been done by other people. I want to see the Scorsese. Yeah, but there's some great characters in it. I like Sally Bugg's character. It was a bad National Lampoon's Vacation. Without the humor of the... The shit had Christie Brinkley drive by at least once.

That's such bleak territory like Pennsylvania. People can say, oh, it's a story of dying. It's like, okay, well, no one gives a fuck. You know, you just reminded me of a great Chevy Chase story. I did Chevy Chase. Chevy Chase was in Dirty Work with Norm, right? So he, you talk about Billy Crystal.

This just reminded me of this, about how every story is like this pompous ass. So in like the early 90s, Clinton wanted to meet all these comedians. He has to have like, you know, at the White House. So Chevy Chase, all those like like, guys from SNL. He wanted Saturday Night Live or something. Chevy Chase, Billy Crystal, Robin Williams, they all went. So they all go in one by one, and they meet the president. And they come out, and they're like, how was it?

You know, like, comedians are like, ah, he said this. They're all joking around, you know. So Billy Crystal comes out, and they say, what did he say to you? And he goes, honestly, he said he liked my work. You know, like, he was just like, okay, yeah, so. Like, he told everybody else he hated their work. Right, right. But, you know, what I love about you, Colin, is there's none of that.

You have none of that pretense, bro. You don't. You're a guy from Brooklyn who's smart as hell, who's just, you know, a guy that everybody loves, you know. And, you know, that's important, I think, as a person. Sure. Yeah. It's not financially affordable. Well, listen, you know, Mike, why don't you do your read?

Let's do the read. Because we've been waiting for this. We have. This has been the subtext before the show started. We'll do the build-up. You're going to close. I'm going to read our sponsors. Okay.

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So this is what we've been waiting for. This is what you've been lamenting this is what you've been lamenting yes I've been lamenting all week for this we have a big read for Mike everyone catch every episode of Arnie Lang's Halfway House for free at thecomicsgym.com is that really it? yeah

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Thank you. Mike Boschetti. So, you know, one thing I wanted to talk to you about, Colin, too, was the Saturday Night Live years. Sure. Do you have a relationship with Lorne Michaels? I mean, does anybody really? No, some people do.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, some people do and some people don't. Lorne, a guy who really, a guy who believed in you for good reason, like with an Irish wake and all that stuff. Lorne was great, but I mean, it was just, you know, I mean, I had my own things going on too where there was just, there was personality clashes. Yeah. And I was as guilty as anybody.

Again, I did Mad TV and I've been around the backstage thing. So sketches and nothing, of course, as crazy as what you hear at SNL and the politics and the nuttiness. But, you know, something that people in comedy would love to hear, something I was close to

at the time was you took over for Norm on weekend update and you're for the first time you actually do the, do the show. I don't normally appreciate it. She gave a very nice tribute to him about like, you know, going back to the same bartender all the time, whatever.

But tell me a little bit about that time for you because you love Norm and your comics and Norm gets fired. And, and so what was that like for you because you love norm and your comics and norm gets fired. And, and so what was that like for you? Well, here's what it was. Not only was norm, if I'm correct,

norm was still there. Yeah. Yeah. He didn't, he didn't get fired from the show. Just weekend update. Weekend update. And then in norm fashion,

like barely showed up. Yeah. And then he came back, but, uh, but yeah, it was just, it was one. But yeah, it was just, it was one of the most,

it was really a sign like I should have, in retrospect, I should have just not gone near it because it was really a weird thing. And.

Cause Norm was an insanely popular guy for Weekend Update. Norm was an insanely popular guy. Yeah. And it just wasn't, I was,

everything was going exactly the way I wanted right before I was going on and you had weekend update features I loved doing those and they were great

so it was just a weird that's a tough spot it was just a weird energy and it didn't so how do you get does Lorne Michaels personally or does he put that off

on somebody else how do you find out okay you're taking over for Norm and by the way it was also mid-season it was mid-season it was right after

Christmas break. And then Lorne comes to me in the office and he goes, well, can you do this? Yeah. And I said, is Norm not coming back? Can you do this? No, he's not doing, can you do this? And I should have known, like, he didn't want me to do it.

Yeah. Because he felt like I was wrong for it. Lorne didn't want you to do it. So why, but again like I was wrong for it. Lorne didn't want you to do it. Lorne didn't. So why? But again, why doesn't he just fucking tell you that? Because Lorne is, on the one hand, he's... Not confrontational. He's not confrontational.

Directly to you. And he's also... Right. He's got, in spite of all his faults, he's got a streak where, like, he's very loyal to people. Yeah. And, like, so... I understand that. There have been people there for 45 years. There have been people's very loyal to people. Yeah. And, like, so... I understand that.

There have been people there for 45 years. There have been people that worked in that place. Right. They have not lost their job in 40-something years. Right.

Nobody else does that because people need to switch over. Jimmy Downey, who, you know, deserves a job because he's amazing. Yeah, but, I mean, he just... People, art department, I mean, he just doesn't do that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, it's not his thing. He's Canadian. They're not confrontational people. Right, right. So, instead of going, look, I love you. Well, this is showbiz. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it's not his thing. He's Canadian. They're not confrontational people. Right, right. So instead of going, look, I love you. Well, this is showbiz. Yeah.

I love you. Nephitis. But who else would it have been? I mean, you know. I don't know. Someone had to step up because it's not a media. It's not over the summer. I know.

But it was just, in retrospect, I mean, everything's hindsight is 20-20. But anyway, it went in. They set a big spot for you, though. Of course it is. It was positive to it. And Colin's a beloved guy. I know, but it was. But again, you're friends. They set a big spot for you, though. Of course it is. It was positive to it. And Colin's a beloved guy. But again, you're friends with the guy. I mean, you and Norm are tight.

We were really tight. Yeah, yeah. Still are, but I'm saying. Yeah, but we weren't friends for years after that. I mean, we weren't enemies. Is that true? Yeah, we weren't. It was not.

Because I was probably closer to Norm than any human being for like four years. And he always loved you. He always did. No, we just had to. Yeah, no, I get it. I get it. But here. And he always loved you. He always did. No, I mean, we just had to. Yeah, I get it. I get it. It's awkward. Here's how great a guy Norm is.

Yeah. Somebody won't say, I won't say who. Yeah. Somebody wrote a sketch where he was somehow trashing. Going to bash you? Bashing me. Wow. And he goes like this.

I'd read through. And he goes like this. And wouldn't readhing me. Wow. And he goes like this. I'd read through. And he goes like this. And wouldn't read the line. Wow. Wow. Wow. Here's, again, again, like I pointed out with you with a couple, like your bits, like with Jimmy Norton and stuff like that. Yeah.

Like that's what the real funny people do. They can see, like, they can somehow make a brilliant joke in a self-deprecating way where you go, look, this is my insecurities, but I'm also being insanely funny. Like, to me, the best monologue in the history of that show is Norm. And again, I was very close to him at that time. He gets fired. Do you think it was about the OJ thing? Do you think that's why he got fired? Because Don Ulmeier, the head NBC, was friends with OJ. Norm won't stop doing OJ jokes. I think that was part of it. Yeah, it was part of it. Because, again, you talk about an outlaw rock and roll thing. Supposedly, Lawrence says to him through Omeyer, no more O.J. jokes.

The verdict comes out. The first joke is O.J. happy with the verdict. And Norm, it's a picture of him. And Norm goes, it's official. Murder is legal in California. And then, supposedly the great exchange where Omar calls Norm and says, Norm, I got bad news. He's like, what?

You're fired. He goes, wow. He goes, why? He goes, because you're not funny. Norm goes, that's even worse news. He goes, hey, man, I can get another job, but if I'm not funny. He goes, why? You're not funny another job if I'm not funny. Oh. He goes, why? You're not funny. Well, it's even worse news.

Okay, so, but again, here's something that only comics would appreciate. So Norm gets fired because he's supposedly not funny. Then I'm doing this sitcom with Norm. Two years later, Lorne, being the marketing guy, has Norm back to host. Right. So the writers write him a monologue, and Norm, here's the funny, okay. Not everybody knows the second part of the story. The monologue Norm does is so amazing.

He's the only guy in the history to do a monologue while the writers of the show were booing him because he's goofy. So the monologue was, he comes out and he goes, hey guys, I know what you're saying. You're saying, why would Norm be here? He got fired two years ago because he's not funny. But now he's hosting the show. He goes, here's why. I'm still not funny.

I'm not funny. He goes, the show has gotten horrible. He goes, I'm still not funny, but the show is even less funny than me. He goes, you'll see. So then they don't know he's going to do that. Writers are booing the monologue. They're booing the monologue. So then. they don't know he's going to do that. Writers are booing the monologue. They're booing the monologue. So then...

I don't remember what it is. So then, but here's what people didn't get. Here's me and Sam Simon, the guy who was friends with Norm. We brought it to help him write, which I'm sure they didn't love, the monologue. I'm in Atlantic City. I'm on the phone with Norm. This is what he wanted to do. Now, being a host of the show, he was in every sketch afterwards.

Right. He wanted to do that mon, being a host of the show, he was in every sketch afterwards. Right. He wanted to do that monologue where he bashes the show and then go to the elevator, get in a cab, and not do the show. Oh, my gosh. He wanted to leave him hanging

with an hour and a half of live television. Whoa. And he's in every sketch. So here's me and Sam going, I go, Norm, comedians will build statues to you. Every outlaw comic

that you care about, they'll love you, you're never going to work, bro. The show's canceled the next day. I mean, but he really wanted, and I was the voice of reason, which is the bad thing. I said, Norm, I said, I want to be butch to your Sundance right now, or Sundance to your butch. I go, let's fucking, let's run out and let's move to Bolivia

and shoot everybody. You can't do that. You can't fucking do that. But could you imagine? Would there be a funnier move? Oh, my God. If you just, you know, you left. But you were 100% right.

Oh, yeah. It wouldn't look so bad. I mean, that's kind of a no-brainer. Yeah. First he bashes the show. And then leaves. It's funny. Lauren is the kind of guy, to me, and I've met with him, and

we all have our stories about Lorne, but he's also like Howard Stern. He's an egomaniac, but a businessman and a marketer. He'll have Trump on, then he'll be, he'd have Trump on right now. Right, right, right. You know what I mean? Yeah. He'd say to Alec Baldwin, listen, Alec, don't come. Trump's gotta come

because I don't want him to. Because he knows, you know, that's the money. But when is enough enough? When is enough enough, Gordon? How many yachts can you water ski behind? You seem happy, Colin. You're married.

Congratulations, Colin, first of all. Something you've tried before. Hasn't worked out. So, how's it going? Congratulations, college, first of all. Thanks, Mike. Something you've tried before. Yes. Hasn't worked out. Yes. And so how's it going? Well, as you know, I was in, I'll tell you how it was going. I'm a real domestic guy. I was in Nutley on Thanksgiving.

Me too. Who you are? I was at my uncle's. We were around the block. Is your girl from Nutley? Yeah. You don't remember? Yeah, right. Okay, the same girl.

Yes. High Street is where I was. Wow. No pun intended. I was on High Street. We were in a, well. Okay, the same girl. Yes. High Street is where I was. Wow. No pun intended. I was on High Street. We were in a, here's the sad part, though. I went to play football, and then I was wearing boots, and I pulled a hamstring playing football with the kids.

In Nutley. Yeah. With the kids. Now, kids all over. My goddaughter was there who's older now, but my little cousin Sal who lives in California, I got to meet him. It's fun, but kids are just, I don't know how people do it. I don't know how they do it.

It's amazing. I had three kids. Oh, so you were in Nutley. That's so fun. I was in Nutley. I was around the block. I'm out for Bruce. Caprio.

Bruce Caprio. Bruce and Tommy. Yes. They all love Colin. I can't tell you how many times Colin has saved my life. I love it. Yeah.

Now, Mike, your Thanksgiving, you said was fun. I kind of hate the holiday now because... Mike, I'm trying to get you to liven it up a little. But I do want to know why he hates it. He's been saying this for a long time. Yeah, it sounds like you're going to go...

Is it a traumatic story? It sounds like you're going to spray them all with bullets. No, no. I love Native American people, right? You mean Indians? Yeah, I mean Native American people. Not the dieheads, the woo-woo's. No, no.

Oh. We're putting back a blackface, by the way. It's going to be the Prime Minister of Canada. They're called First Nation people. You're on the wrong side of history. That's for damn sure. First Nation people, I'm sure. He's going to have a bag over his head.

The thing is, today, Mitch, besides that bag, a fucking horrible day. So what? Wait, wait, wait. Mike is politically correct now. So wait, you're one of these jerk-offs who says we're celebrating the slaughter of a...

He wants to take down the Columbus guys. What a jerk-off. Are you one of those assholes, you metagon fuck? I'll tell you, Drew, you have the voice to say that to the old Staten Islanders. You don't listen to me, right? You have anything to give thanks for? His statue can stay. I don't give a shit about it.

Say that on Victory Boulevard and see what happens to you. Say that on Toad Hill Road. No, but his statue can stay. He's an icon. Oh, thanks, Mike. Here's the headline. Mike Buscetti, the Columbus statue can stay. Thank God.

There was guys ready to take it down. He's an icon. Who the fuck are you, Slick? Yeah. Watch out, Chaz Palminteri doesn't run into you. He'll fix your Bronx tail. It just feels horrible what happened to them here. You are such a pussy.

I didn't realize this. You're fired. I love you, but I love this. Freedom of speech. He makes a good point, though. Mike, you really better straighten out and fly right. Freedom of speech or whatever Mike does. You have freedom

of whatever you do. By the way, let me just ask one thing. How many, how many Native American, First Nation, Indigenous, whatever,

Indian, how many people have you met of that besides, you know? Well, I have a couple of friends. One,

this woman I know in Vegas or someone from Florida. First of all, you don't know a woman in Vegas. First of all, this is like a girlfriend in Canada. No, it's someone from Florida. First of all, you don't know a woman in Vegas. First of all. This is like a girlfriend in Canada.

No. The only part. Artie lost more money. Forget about that. Yeah, right. Just betting on Sonny Sixkiller. Jim Thorpe. Remember in my roast?

Colin Quinn in my roast with Howard Sturgeon. The only guy who got a standing ovation after destroying me. He made a Jim Thorpe. I forget the reference. But yeah, I'm 25% Native American, bro. Remember that? That's why you made the joke.

So guess what? Fuck you. I'm fine with Thanksgiving. I'm fine with Thanksgiving. I'm fine with Thanksgiving. I'm fine with Thanksgiving. I'm fine with Thanksgiving. I'm fine with Thanksgiving.

I'm fine with Thanksgiving. I'm fine with Thanksgiving. Yeah, but don't you want to murder some white people? I just want the money back I lost at the fucking... Yeah, but don't you feel like scalping some white people?

I mean... No, I don't you feel like scalping some white people? No, I don't. Just you. I didn't know you were 25%. We should buy a Mohegan Sun around the North Jersey area. I mean, I should get a cut. I went to a lawyer after they found that out in the Stern Show. My sister got it done. She's got a Native American, which my old man was a climber.

Right. A lunatic. But how do you... And I went to a lawyer and he said, you got to prove the tribe. That's how you get casino money. If you can prove a tribe. I go, make Sam Apache. Wait a minute.

Can't you do 23andMe? Nowadays you can prove the tribe. Well, I'm getting shit done. Believe me, I'm looking into it. I'm looking into it because I don't want to keep playing governor. No, you should. That's right. I'm 97% Irish.

I did a 23andMe. Colin, I have Irish blood. I always hear it from you. You do? Yeah, I can see it. I can see it. Now, did a 23 at Bain. I figured that. Colin, I have Irish blood. I always hit it from Italian people. You do? Yeah, I can see it. I can see it. Now, Colin, how do you feel about the fact that he has Irish blood? I'm not surprised.

What's the other 3%? Some island off the coast of Ireland. No, but my grandmothers are Irish and both my grandfathers were Italian, so I'm cut down the middle. Oh. That's a good cut. I'm half Irish. You're Italian and half Irish.

Yeah, I can see it. Yeah, but Lenny Lennipi. Sam, go crazy Lenny Lennipi. Lennipi. That's in Jersey. It's right by where I grew up. Staten Island as well. Are you part of that?

Are you part of that? I'm going to say I am. Ramapo, maybe? Yeah, Ramapo, Glassboro, Hoboken. Raritan. Hoboken. Raritan was a tribe. By the way, the first baseball game was first.

It's a block from my house. It is. Sinatra, first baseball, me. First college football game. Hoboken's going down. Is that true? Rutgers? I don't know.

Was that Rutgers, Princeton? 150 years ago. By the way, that's the last game Rutgers won. Six-four, they're covered. In the Big Ten. The Rutgers in the Big Ten. They're covered. Nothing like when Rutgers. Shadows back. They're covered. Nothing like when Rutgers...

Shadows back. They're back. They're back. Nothing like a stadium rock in Ann Arbor and Rutgers is coming in to play Michigan. Oh, I hope to go out of my... What's the line? 84?

I hope to go out of my lifetime to the Knicks, the Mets, the Jets, fucking Conker. Well, if a doctor were here, he'd say your lifetime is about three weeks. Real quick, I want to say,

this is very important. New Year's Eve, I'm at the Egg Theater in Albany. I hope Mike comes to all these. Albany, New York, New Year's Eve, get your tickets now. January 3rd and 4th at Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. Friday, January 10th at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank, New Jersey. Saturday, January 11th at the Whitaker Center in Harrisburg, PA. Friday, January 24th at the Keswick Theater in Glenside, Pennsylvania.

Saturday, January 25th at the Mock Ch in Glenside, Pennsylvania. Saturday, January 25th at the Mock Chunk Opera House in Jim Thorpe, Pennsylvania. What? Sorry, brother. January 31st in February... January 31st and February 1st at Levity Live Comedy Club in West Nyack, New York. You can also get these at rdquitter.com.

Jimmy, thanks, bro. Hang around. We're having fun. Mikey, I love you. Colin, I love you so much, bro. Hang around. Good seeing you, man. We're having fun. It's so much fun. Mikey, I love you. Colin. I love you so much, dude. You look amazing.

This is great. You're the best. Good luck. Anything you want to plug, throw in there? No. Nothing at all? I got gigs, but I can't remember where they are. Yeah, Colin.

Go to Colin Quinn. Colin Quinn.com. I enjoyed watching a JustGal show with the shell. There you go. That was fun. Did you ever think enjoyed watching a JustGal show with the cello. There you go. That was fun. Did you ever think someone would mention JustGal show?

No. I didn't think JustGal was going to be mentioned. Mrs. JustGal would have said it. Colin, I love you. Thank you so much. Another episode of

Arnie Lang's Halfway House and the books. Who would have thunk it? See you next time. Take care. We'll see you next time.