Artie Lange's Podcast Channel - 9 - LAWRENCE TAYLOR

Episode Date: December 16, 2019

Artie interviews NFL Hall of Famer and all time great New York Giant Lawrence Taylor.  Artie is joined by Mike Bocchetti and Alli Breen.  Presented by TheComicsGym.com. Sponsored by... MyBookie.ag - to go http://bit.ly/MYB-Artie and use code Artie to get a 50% signup bonus BlueChew - go to BlueChew.com and use code Artie to try it for FREE!

Hey, it's Artie Lags Halfway, I'm still on the air after several weeks, I'm not sure the exact count. Today is probably the pinnacle of my life, I still don't believe Lawrence Taylor is going to come in here. Our guest is Lawrence Taylor, the Lawrence Taylor, the best football player who's ever fucking lived. I mean, let's just say it how it is. All right? Mike, please.

Sure. Best football player, you know, I certainly have ever seen. He's the Michael Jordan, the Babe Ruth of football. That's not him. What's going on? Hey, there he is. Thanks, pal. Thanks for coming in, buddy.

Yeah, you know this. I was just talking about you. It's Lawrence Taylor, man. That's Allie. Nice to meet you. Have a seat, dude. Thanks for coming. Thanks for doing this, man.

It's amazing. Yeah. Okay, what? If you can put the headsets on. This is, okay, listen. Okay, that's Mike Borschetti, my co-host. Hey, Lawrence. I apologize.

Great to meet you. This is Ali Breen. Great comic I work with a lot. Okay, I'm not going to mince fucking words here. Go ahead. The best football player of all time is Lawrence Taylor. I'm not going to say, not the best defensive player, none of that bullshit.

I'm a North Jersey guy. I'm a Giant fan. But come on, dude. No one changed the game like he changed the game. You're the best football player of all time. When someone says that, I mean, you're tired of hearing that? Some people go with the defensive shit. You're the best player ever, dude. I don't go that way. No, you're tired of hearing that? Some people go with the defensive shit. You're the best player ever, dude.

I don't go that way. No, you don't? Are you humble about that? I'm very humble. Right. Okay, listen, guys, I've seen a lot of guys play football. Yeah. And I've seen a lot of guys that can do a lot of things that I can't do.

Right. You know. Which is what? On the football field. Well, I mean, look, there's quarterbacks, there's offensive guys. But, I mean, you know, you, first of all, we had a fun night last night. We roasted. Yeah, it was good.

We roasted O.J. Anderson. But you know what I noticed, man? I mean, again, you're a guy who's had your trials and tribulations. Really? Me? You probably don't know much about me, dude, but I'm a way bigger fuck-up than anyone can ever be. I'm the Babe Ruth of fuck-ups. I'm the Lawrence Taylor of fuck-ups. I'm the Lawrence Taylor of fuck-ups.

I like that. Yeah. I'm currently on probation. I gave a urine sample today. Oh, really? I did, yeah. Something to know about. Fuck that.

But what I noticed, man, is for all your flaws, you're a human being. Your teammates love you, bro. I mean, that says a lot about you. Who knows you better than your teammates? All the guys like Carson, Baker, OJ, Howard Cross, they love you because you're a warrior and you got a heart. You're a sentimental guy.

Why do they love you? I'm a player. I'm a player. Let me tell you. It was good to see that as a fan. I love the game. I love my teammates. I can't win without my teammates.

You know what? When I first came into the league in 1981, there was no enthusiasm with the Giants. Ray Perkins was the coach. They were on a losing streak. A guy would make a tackle and nobody said

anything. I'm jumping all over. You changed that, anything. I mean, hey, I'm jumping all over. And you changed that, man. So I'll tell you, the good players, great players. Well, Harry Carson was there, right? Along with you, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And Harry was a great mentor.

I mean, hey. One of the best middle linebackers ever. Yes, yes, indeed. And then, so Bill Barcells was a defensive coordinator at that point. Yes, he was. And you bonded with him and he knew how good you were. Barcells is my buddy. Right.

He's my buddy. He's not just my head coach. He is my buddy. And he fought for you to start immediately, which took about three hours. You went to the first team. About 30 minutes. But that's why you brought enthusiasm. You know, there's that great video you say,

let's go out there like a bunch of crazed dogs and tackling, sacking Kenny O'Brien and telling him, like, you know, you got to come harder than that, man. Yeah, well, you know, that's what happened. Yeah, I mean, you terrorized quarterbacks. But you're from Hampton, Virginia. No. No, where are you from?

Williamsburg, Virginia. Williamsburg, but by the peninsula.pton, Virginia. No. Where are you from? Williamsburg, Virginia. Williamsburg, but by the peninsula. Yeah, I'm in the Tidewater area. A lot of great athletes come out of there, Iverson, all that stuff. And you go to North Carolina. Now, could you have gone to any school you wanted to? You wanted to stay more local? I mean, were you recruited by everybody?

I'm sure you were. I was recruited by a lot of teams, but not the real major, major, major teams. It was a small school. In my town, I knew nobody that went to college. Other than one guy. Me neither. I'm that same type

of guy. Other than one guy. I went to the same school he went to. North Carolina. There's a legend. I don't know if this is true. You hear so many legends about you. North Carolina. Yeah, right. Now, there's a legend. There's a legend. I don't know if this is true. You hear so many legends about you. That when you went there, you ran into Michael Jordan as a freshman on the basketball court.

You dunked over him. Is that true? No, no, no. No, no, no. That was years later. Did you dunk over him? Well, I did. Hey. Because it's known for basketball.

Yeah, but. Jordan goes there. But you know what? Hey, he came in. I guess I was in my. He was 82 as a freshman. I came back. You came back because he had just.

I came back. You were already in the league at that point. At the NFL, yeah. I came back for summer school to finish up. Okay. And he was out. I guess he was, you know, just visiting. Right. But, you know, he already knew he was going I guess he was you know just visiting and stuff

but you know he already knew he was going to go to Carolina he wanted to be a Tar Heel and and it was in the summer

before the you know before the school year starts so we were playing pick up basketball and I got lucky that's amazing

hey I got lucky and I got one in there wow yes I got one in there. Wow. Yes, I got one in there. I mean, but that's such a great. Talk about stuff you like to have on video. You playing Jordan in basketball.

Hey, I got one in there. Yeah, yeah, well, that's good. But see, he didn't like to play against me because, you know, when I foul, I foul. Well, I'm sure. I'm sure. I mean, I'm sure. I mean, you're an outside. Well, but that's the other thing. You were defensive end in college.

Number 99. 98. 98. Okay, I'm sorry. Man, you almost got all this shit right, but no. Dude, man, I'm just going by memory. I'm a fan, dude. I don't research.

I'm a fan. Yeah, but could I ask you something quick? What? Who was, when you were playing football before you came up, who inspired you? I mean, when you watch, I mean. You know what? You got to understand. I didn't start playing until I was in 11th grade.

Really? You know, so I wasn't a big. Did you play any other sports? I was a baseball player, man. Oh, you were a baseball player. Okay. What position? I played catcher.

Wow. I, every all-star team since I was seven years old. I've been on every all-star team. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And the thing about it was that the coach, the baseball coach, when Coach asked me to come out for football at the end of my, I guess, sophomore year before my junior year. And so I said, yeah, I wanted to come out. And I started going to some of the practices and stuff.

And my baseball coach said, hey, man, you got to get that shit up. Right. He said, listen, hey. Football, you're never make football. You're never make it as a football player. Real visionary. And I decided to play some football. But as a competitor, did that, like, give you, I mean, I know you seem like a guy

that made you want to do it more, right? Of course, of course. But let me tell you something. The first six, seven weeks, I mean, they beat my ass. I mean, it was tough. But you know why it doesn't surprise me that you played baseball? Because you're coordinated. You got hand-eye coordination.

You could throw, you could catch. That's what I meant about, you know, you intercept't surprise me that you played baseball? Because you're coordinated. You got hand-eye coordination. You could throw. You could catch. That's what I meant about, you know, you intercepted the ball a lot. So you go from defensive end, which is in a lot of ways a much different position than outside linebacker. Who makes you an outside linebacker? How do you go to number 56? I was outside linebacker, believe it or not, in college. I just didn't drop that many times.

Oh, okay. What did you do a 40 in? What was your, like, fastest 40-yard dash? 4'4". Wow. Yeah, I was pretty fast. Yeah, man. And I was big.

I was fast. I was like a freak. And, you know what? I just loved the game, and I loved contact. You loved it more than baseball. You loved the contact of it. Yeah, contact. It's like war, man.

I mean, it's the closest thing to war. Yeah, absolutely. So now you come into the league. Again, I know you're humble about this, but, you know, you're the only guy. I think your first game was against the Eagles. And if you remember, last night I did an impression of Jim Gordon, the guy on the radio. And I'll never forget your first play from scrimmage.

I think it was against the Eagles, Jaworski's quarterback. They give the ball to Montgomery, the runner. I know who he is. Okay, Wilbur Montgomery. Wilbur Montgomery. All right, so they run a sweep

to Montgomery. I used to have this on tape. This is how big of fans we were. They run a sweep to Montgomery on the opposite side of where you are. And Jim Gordon's going, Montgomery around the side,

whoa, Lawrence Taylor came from the other side. I've never seen that before. He went, I've never seen it before. Yeah, on around the side, whoa, Lawrence Taylor came from the other side. I've never seen that before. He went, I've never seen it before. Yeah, on your first play, you came from around the other side and tackled Montgomery for a loss, which no one had ever seen. Yeah, but, you know, back in those days, nobody had ever seen that simply because I figured, you know, like when you're chasing somebody. Right. Because I figured, you know, like when you're chasing somebody.

Right. I'm not going to go all the way around the line, all the way around the backside of the offense. It's instinct. It's smart. Hey, I go straight down the line because all those guys are vacating their positions. Exactly. You see what I'm saying? Right.

So it makes it a lot shorter for me. Okay, now you figured out that's the right way to go, but you need the ability to do that. It's shorter and you can catch them. But an outside linebacker, I mean, you were doing stuff like that. You're sacking the quarterback. You're dropping back into coverage. I would love when you would line up over the center

and just like intimidate the guys. That came later on. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The chop. So my point is, did you have any self-awareness of how much you were changing the game? Like you were inventing a new position, basically. No, but when I first came out, it was like a man playing with boys.

Yeah, right. Absolutely. That's what it looked like. It was the practices we go through in college was a lot tougher than the practices we went through in the NFL. The players are better in the NFL because you get the best of the best. That's a big jump, man, from North Carolina in the NFL. The players are better in the NFL because you get the best of the best. That's a big jump, man, from North Carolina to the NFL. Yeah, it's a big jump.

But a determination. It wasn't about the money because we weren't making nothing. No, that's right. That's the other thing. Football, no guaranteed contracts. One injury and you're out. You're looking for a job. One injury. I mean, it's crazy. But the the other thing. In football, no guaranteed contracts. One injury and you're out. You're looking for a job.

One injury. I mean, it's crazy. But the best thing about it was this, though. I could line up against somebody, line up over somebody, and just look at them and say, hey, I got no choice. I'm going to be out here all day, so I'm going to be beating your ass all day. A lot of shit talking. But you can back it up. You can back it up. So, you know, a couple of years of you dominating on that level. Again, the Giants not, you know, but I think

you made the playoffs almost immediately, right? When you came in. The first year you made the playoffs. First year in 26 years. Huge. I mean, and you almost single-handedly did that. So then Parcells becomes head coach in 83. Now you got your guy in there at the head coach. Belichick becomes defensive coordinator. Now you got three legends. That's like the holy trilogy of football. You want to feel Belichick and Parcells. And then now the league's in trouble.

Phil Simms comes in. He's starting to play well. No, Phil has been there for a while. He just wasn't playing well. He came in in 79. He came in in 79. just wasn't playing well. He came in in 79. He came in 79. He wasn't playing well. Phil Simms became a player in 84.

And then 85, he got better. In 86, he was the best there was. And then he got hurt. But Phil Simms really, really made a big turn. Absolutely. Because before then, I didn't think we could win with him. Right. He didn't think he was a Super Bowl quarterback.

No, we couldn't win with him. He learned how to hit the open man. Yeah. And play to his strengths. He became one of the better quarterbacks I had ever seen. Because in 85, you know, the Bears were a legendary team. But then, you know, you almost make it. Then in 86, lights out. Like, you know, you beat the Redskins 17-0. You destroyed the Niners. And then you play the Broncos,

and Phil Simms plays a perfect Super Bowl. You know, that year, the Super Bowl year, you know, we lost our first game against Dallas. That's right. Okay. Monday night. Yeah, and then we won five in a row, and then we lost. To Seattle.

We lost to Seattle. Yeah, you were 14-2. And then we play Minnesota, and we're about to lose that game. And then we had fourth and what? Fourth and 11. We pick up, and we end up winning that game. After that game, nobody played with us. We were the best team in the league.

It was hands down. I mean, nobody played with us. Dominant. You were dominant in 86. I was dominated. Do you think that's the best defense ever, the 86 Giants? You got the 85 Bears. You got the 85 Bears.

Right, right. Okay, not the 84 Bears. No. You got the 85 Bears. The best team, best defense I had ever been associated with. And I don't think we get enough credit. I think we should be one of the best. It's almost underrated, and it shouldn't be.

I don't understand. They're talking about Pittsburgh Steelers. I mean, great tears. I mean, because then Carl Banks comes in. Now, Carl, how much did you take him under your wing, the other outside linebacker? He's a guy, because when they're triple teaming you, you know, he's got to pick it up.

But, you know, we had Brad Van Pelt first. Yeah, number 10. And Brad Van Pelt was an excellent run player. Excellent, you know. And when Carl Banks came in and took Van Pelt's job. Right. You know, Carl Banks is underrated. Oh, absolutely.

Well, because he's next to you. It's like he's your Pippen. Well, he got, you know, he got me. He's your Scotty Pippen. Yeah, right. He got me, he got Harry, you know. Yeah. But there's no reason why Carl Banks shouldn't be in the Hall of Fame.

Absolutely. Because Carl Banks was one tough guy to play against. So to me, when you got national recognition, it was always back then, so few games were on national TV. Monday Night Football, I remember Earl Campbell had this amazing Monday Night Football game in 78. The country knew him. Yeah, of course.

I think when everyone said, wow, who the F is this guy on a national level, was when you intercept that pass with the two-yard line, right? Yeah. Was that against Detroit? Yeah. Okay, it's a Monday night game. It's at the two.

Again, as an outside linebacker, like a defensive back, you drop back into coverage, you intercept the pass, you take it back 98 yards. Listen, I'm sitting there. Out running, everybody. I'm sitting there. I'm not sitting there, but I'm sitting there. And they come up to the line

and I see the formation. Right. Then they call timeout. Uh-huh. Right. They come up back to the line and line up the same formation. I drive back

and then I say, if this sumbitch throws this ball over here, I'm taking it all the way to the house, and I'd be damned if he did. So they call the timeout, and they come back out with the same formation. The same formation, same play. And they're probably trying to figure out in these timeouts what the fuck to do with you. I had a good game that game.

Yeah, no, I mean, that's when the league was like, wow, you're 98 yards. And you know what I loved about when you scored a touchdown is that you just took the ball, you didn't spike it, you just threw it the fuck away. You're like, I don't need this anymore. You're like, I'm done with this shit. But I slid. You slid.

Like you know, to the second base. And it skinned up all my knee and everything. I'm like, that's so stupid. Okay, so now 86, you get the ring. That's the holy grail. And like, again, I think, again, I don't know if you identify yourself as a drug addict or anything. I certainly am. But you had your issues with drugs.

Of course. Yes. Now, it starts to escalate. You know, you get this big win. I think, and again, I think it's your personality, man. I think you're such a competitor. You're on that level of, like, you're playing in this war. You're winning. And, you know, it's a party. You're a rock star. And you're in a competitor. You're on that level of like, you're playing in this war, you're winning, and you know, it's a party. You're a rock star. And you're in New York City.

New York City. That's a bad place to be. I know. And you want to have fun with the fuck. You're celebrating. I don't even know when I slept. Me neither. But so when do you think it started to get out of control where you said, I might get kicked out of the league? You know what? I guess, you know, when we had a urine, we had to do our urine once a year.

Right, yeah, yeah, for the league. So, and... Is that random or do they tell you when it's going to be? No, you know it's at the beginning. Oh, you got it on schedule time, all right. Yeah, and that's the thing. If you know a drug test... Oh, yeah, exactly, yeah.

Why the hell would you do it? Yeah, yeah. Unless you got no control over it. Well, so you probably said I'm untouchable, dude. And why would I? No, it wasn't in my urine. I used somebody else's. That's what I'm saying. You bought

dirty urine. I bought urine for it. I bought dirty urine. Who the fuck? Someone sold you dirty? Did you want to kill that guy? I was mad as hell. Without any

who you're buying urine from. No, I can't I can't take that no but I'm saying that was that cause you say something in your Showtime documentary which is fucking hilarious and great

you say this great thing where you go if I were to use my urine they would have kicked me out of the country I still would have been I still would have been gone so all this shit happens

suspensions blah blah blah and you're thinking okay LT's gonna go out with the one ring and then 1990 comes around and you're thinking, okay, LT's going to go out with the one ring. And then 1990 comes around. And you're an elder statesman now. And, you know, you make the playoffs and you're still fucking Lawrence Taylor, man.

It's as good as... No, but, you know, even before 1990. You know, you think, you know, you do bad things. You know what? And you got to stand back in those days, a football player was a gladiator. Oh, I know, absolutely. And treated as a football player was a gladiator. Oh, absolutely. And treated as such.

Hey, the worse we treat our bodies, the better we feel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. The thing about it was you go out, you do this, and you do that, and you think everything can be solved on Sunday. Right. You run out of that stadium. No matter what happens. Hey, listen, people are going crazy and so on and so on.

And they are, man. You're going to get caught up in that. Yeah, you think that's it. Well, hey, every problem I got, I can write it on Sunday. Sure, absolutely, man. And I did for a long time. And you did, man. But at some point in time,

you got to pay the price. You got to pay the price. But it's so, I'm glad you said that. It's so great for younger people to hear that because you're this football god and you're telling people,

look, it'll catch up to you, bro. Yeah, it will. I mean, hey, thank God I've been, you know, clean for 20-some years. Now, you're doing great. And I tell you what, You're loved, dude. I help a lot of people.

You do. If they want to talk about it or if they, you know, listen, I don't run away from it. Guys won't say, hey, listen.

You've never run away from anything. I say, yeah, you're absolutely right. You run into the building. And I've got other problems. No, absolutely. I mean,

you know, again, I saw last night the way you talked about your teammate O.J. Anderson. I mean, you know, and how much you love him and you've been through war together. But that 90 team, now no one's thinking, you know, you've got the Bills coming in. They beat the Raiders 51-3. But you beat the, in the first round of the playoffs, you beat the Bears. Yeah. 44-7. And Parcells, again, you're on the mic on the sidelines. You're just kind of yawning like that was easy.

You know, like, and Parcells says to you, no one thinks we can win out there. You got to go out with Montana and Frisco. But you got to understand, though. And you're like, we're going to win. We weren't the best team in the league that year. Right, right. I mean, if you look at it on paper. I mean, yeah, the Bills were.

You go from player to player. You say, God, we got a problem here, we got a problem there, we got a problem here, we got a problem there. You got Montana, the Niners. And you got the Niners who already got their ticket. They already sleep in

at the Super Bowl. Like the Patriots now. But we played when that year ended. I mean, the playoffs But we played when that year ended. I mean, the playoffs, we played the best. I mean, the best. Hey, you thought the games before, you know, we was like 12 and 4.

12 and 4, yeah. 12 and 4, yeah. Something like that. Yeah, that's what you had, 12 and 4. Okay. Absolutely. Because Sims goes down in week 10, Hostetler comes in. Love Phil Sims to death, but the best thing to happen to us.

You think so? Wow. Simply because. Yeah. Phil is a pocket quarterback. Right. He's not going to run out of that pocket. I don't care if there's no, if there's.

He's standing there and throwing. And listen, he's going to throw it. I don't care if there's nobody between him and two miles down the road. Like Joe Navis. He ain't running that. But at Hofstede, there was mobile. He could move around. But Hofstede gave us.

Now, don't get me wrong. Phil Simms got us there. Yeah. And I'm very grateful. I love him to death. Sure. And even to this day, he's one of my top quarterbacks. Yeah, absolutely.

Okay. But Hofstede, who couldn't hit a bar to their head. But, hey, Hofstede gave us what we needed. Yeah. Gave us what we needed to go on to win this. So you go out to San Francisco, and you guys don't even score a touchdown. Again, the defense has to win the day. You don't even score a touchdown. It's five field goals, so you win 15 to 13.

But again, again, you're older. They're double teaming you, triple teaming you. And at the end of that fucking game, the Niners are driving. They give the ball to Roger Craig. And you hear Pat Summerall go like this. It's a fumble. Taylor's got it. You're always around the ball, bro.

You're always around the ball. You recovered the fumble that won the fucking game! You know what? I learned a long time ago. Okay, hold on. My phone is ringing and... I got a story about that, too. Okay, uh, oh. You gotta take it?

No, I don't. Is it clean urine? No, I have to turn it off for a second. I appreciate it. I'm so much 23 years and much. And doesn't he look great? Yeah. I was going to ask the question, what's going on here? Everybody's fucked up.

It's Arnie Lang's halfway house. It's Arnie Lang's halfway house. But so, again, Roger Craig, man. What's the mistake Roger Craig made in that? No, I don't know if he's made a mistake, but I would have covered the ball. I mean, but I hit him pretty quick. But he fumbled, and I'll tell you what. He was devastated.

He was devastated. He was devastated, and I don't care. Was there any quarterback that you felt you couldn't dominate? I mean, Jaworski's legendary for saying, you know, I mean, you destroyed Jaworski. Kenny O'Brien. Theismann. So let's talk about the Theismann play, dude.

I mean, see, that shows your heart, dude. That's real emotion, man. Yeah, but that was stuff. Your whole body weight goes on a guy's. Chill size, man. I love him to death, but he's a dick. He seems like a dick. He seems like an asshole.

Yeah, but I love him to death, though. A real competitor. A real competitor. What a competitor. So that's November of 85. The Heisman's last game. He's in a pot. You're going to sack him, and your whole weight, I mean,

your whole weight falls on him. He gets that compound fracture. I never saw you more scared. I have never watched that play. You can't watch it over? No, I don't watch it. No. I don't watch it.

I mean, your reaction said everything. I mean, it looked like you were in Iraq or something. You just saw someone get blown up. You're like, get out here. He was on the ground crying like a bitch. I had to call somebody. And then he's leaving on this...

I'm just, hey, hey, Joe, I'm just kidding, buddy. He probably didn't listen.

He didn't listen. No, buddy. Hey, hey, I'm just kidding. He was crying like a bitch. But he had his bone hanging out of his

fucking leg. Whoa. And, but then he did, there was a great moment there where he's got his bone hanging out of his fucking ankle, and he goes to you as he's, you're like, be well, and he said, I'll be back.

Yeah, he said, I'll be back. I said, but not tonight. Not tonight. No fucking way. So now you get the second ring. Again, the Bills were eight-and-a-half point favorites. You go in there, and they triple-team you. That's where callbacks really had to take.

I mean, they triple-team you, and that's a rule. I understand that. But, you know, the philosophy that we went in with. Yeah. Which we got to credit it all to Bill Belichick. Yeah, absolutely. You know, Bill A. A genius.

A defensive genius. Forrest Thurman. Thurman Thomas. Thurichick. Yeah, absolutely. You know, Bill, hey. A genius. A defensive genius. Forrest Thurman, Thurman. Thurman Thomas. Thurman Thomas. Yeah. Let him run whatever he want to run. And you did. Hey, let him do whatever he want to do.

Right. You know what? Shut down everybody else. And that's all we, that's all we, hey, we put pressure on, on the quarterback, the receivers, hey, we put pressure on them. They couldn't make any big plays. And the running game. Hey, and not only that, the offense.

Your running game. Look what Jumbo Elliott did to, what's the big boy from Buffalo? 78. Oh, Bruce Smith? Bruce Smith. Bruce Smith, yeah. Bruce Smith didn't smell a good one. I don't know.

I was a great offensive lineman for the Giants. And then O.J. Anderson keeps the fucking ball. O.J. was O.J. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's the funny story about when O.J., when we got O.J., came from a St. Louis car. Yeah, he called me in his office. He said, listen, I'm thinking about trading for this guy.

Right. I said, what guy are you talking about? He said, OJ Anderson. I said, oh, hell yeah. That's a no-brainer. That's a no-brainer. This guy's giving me problems. Right, you had a play against the same division.

All career. I mean, twice a year we're me problems. Right. You had to play against the same division. All career. I mean, twice a year we're playing him. Right. Yeah, let's get him on our team. Get him, yeah. And, I mean, the running game and he gets the MVP. Good move. Good move.

Do you think you have an idea of who the best offense is you ever played? What's the best offense you ever played against? That's going to be easy. That's San Francisco's best offense. Montana. Oh, yeah. That whole thing with Walsh. Bill Walsh. Yeah, Bill Walsh.

He goes out there. He scripts. He's got the first 25 plays. The first 25 plays, the first 30 plays. It doesn't make a difference. And listen, I remember every time we used to play the 49ers, just being completely confused. Oh, absolutely. I mean, because, listen, you don't know what the—

And he doesn't change that game plan up. You don't know what's coming. You don't know, hey, you're in a third and three situation, and they're throwing a bomb. Right. What the hell? Right, right. Who does that?

Deniers, that's right. Who does that? Denied it. That's right. They surprise you. And then now, so now you get the second ring. I mean, what an amazing time. I mean, Norwood misses that field goal. What's going through your head as they're lining up for that field goal, man? I mean, with Norwood.

You know what? I'm sitting there and I'm usually, I'm not on the block team. Right. I told, no, no, I'm going to stay out here. Because I didn't think there was no way. Yeah, yeah. No way this guy was going to make this there going to kick. Really? Even Joe wasn't that far.

It's on grass, though, which wasn't 47 yards. All that pressure. All that pressure. I mean, that's a lot of pressure to put on one player. Absolutely. And he didn't stand up to it. Oh, man. A lot of pressure to put on one player. I said, there's no way up to it. Oh, man, a lot of pressure to put on one player.

I said, there's no way he's going to make it. There's no way he's going to make it. And when he kicked that thing. Wide right, man. Party, party, party. That's the second ring, dude. That's the second ring. That's the second ring.

But you know what? The second ring was not as enjoyable. As the first? As the first ring. Well, I mean, you know. The first one, baby, listen. The first one was, man, that was a tearjerker right there. Oh, absolutely.

And, you know, you're a guy, you cry. You got every emotion there is, man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, which is good to have. You want you in a fight. If you're in a fight, you want Lawrence Taylor on your side. Yes. Right?

Yeah, for the first three minutes. I get tired now. So, I mean. Well, three minutes is enough, though. You know what I mean? Three minutes. So, after the second ring night, you last another couple of years in the league. What did you do?

13 years, right? 13, yes. I mean, at that level, play is insane. And then now, when the NFL was over, in your head, what do you think your life is going to be about? You're this superstar, but, you know, again, you guys aren't paid like baseball and basketball players. No, no.

You know, and listen. What do you think is going to happen? I missed the big money. You really did. By a couple of years and stuff, you know, where you can go anywhere you want. You'd have a piece of the team right now. It'd be John and Taylor Stadium. Mara Taylor.

Or Taylor Mara. It should be. Did you ever think I'd have a Lawrence Taylor ham and egg sandwich? How about that? Lawrence Taylor ham and egg. There's money there. It's a charity. Okay, we'll think about that later.

Okay. Okay, so now listen. I don't know. This is one of my favorite stories that ever happened. I was on the Howard Stern show. I don't know if you remember me. Of course. I sit in the back.

And you were one of the best guests. But you did. When people say to me, I was on the show for 10 years. When people say to me, what's the funniest thing that ever happened off the air? You created this. I don't even know if you remember doing this. This is the greatest thing because you had Howard. Howard didn't know what the fuck to say.

Okay, tell me what it is. During a commercial, you got your cell phone and it's about 2004 or 5 and you call somebody on the phone. You called OJ Simpson who was golfing in Florida. He was on the golf course, 7 o'clock in the morning. And you say to Howard,

someone wants to talk to you. So then you start laughing. Now, Howard was on O.J. the whole fucking time. Oh, yeah, that's because he was pissing over on O.J., so that's why I called him. Absolutely. But this is so brilliant. I never saw Howard tongue-tied. So I'm standing a foot from Howard Stern.

You say, Howard, someone wants to talk to you. Now you start laughing, and you're looking at me in front. I go, what? I hear, Howard, it's O.J. I'm coming to get you next. He goes, I hear you talking that shit about me. I'm coming in, and Howard's like, is this really O.J. Simpson? I'm like, yeah.

I mean, Howard was scared to death. Oh, gee, he should have been. That's my favorite practical joke of all fucking time. I mean, coming for you next year, that kind of admits to the murders. Oh, come on. What do you think happened there? Do you think O.J. Simpson murdered two people? No.

No, hell no. I said, this son of a shit, he can't even get out of his tank and park it. He's in a parked car right now. Are you still close with O.J. Zimbal? Yeah, he lives, well, in Vegas. Yeah, I hear you. He's in Vegas, and he's doing good. I'll tell you what.

And so you do a lot of charity. You live in Florida. Yes. And you're a big golfer. You're an avid golfer. Rumor has it. Yeah, right. What's your handicap now?

What do you have? Woods and irons. No, but I'm a good golfer. I'm a very good golfer. Did you, what's your relationship? Do you still talk to Parcells and Belichick and those guys? I mean, do you still have a relationship with those guys? I talk to Bill, not as much Belichick as Parcells.

Okay. You weren't as close to Belichick. You weren't as close as Parcells. You know, I see Belichick now, and I look at him in the mirror and say, hey, he's the best that ever done it. I mean, six Super Bowls hey, he's... Another stratosphere. He's the best that ever done it. Yeah, I mean, six Super Bowls, and he's got both rings. The best that ever done it, but hey, I can't help it. Bill Parcells is still my boy.

Yeah, absolutely. Okay. Absolutely. Did you ever think about coaching? I thought about it once. Right. And then I woke up and said, no, no more of that. It's enough of the shit, right?

I don't think great players make good coaches. No. Because, you know, we don't see the same thing. Yeah, you're right. You know, and I'll be on, even like with Mike, with Singletary. Right. Okay. Linebacker, middle linebacker for the Bears, yep.

He tried to coach. Yeah. And he hasn't had a good experience coaching. Right, exactly, yeah. Except because he sees something different than what the other guy sees. And you got to go by what you see. Like when I was playing,

I didn't have to worry about Parcells jumping down my throat. I didn't have to worry about Bill Belichick dumping down my throat because they allowed me to see the game the way I wanted to see it. But here's the problem. You would expect guys to do what you can do, too.

And I think, like, why not? Like what you just described before. Why don't you go this way? It's a shortcut. Like, well, I'm not as good as you. Well, that's true, too. I got to do a commercial. We'll get you out of here.

I appreciate you coming. Make some money. You're going to love this. This is Artie Lang's Halfway House is brought to you by Blue Chew. Mike, you like saying hard during sex. You still say hard during sex? I might need a little help. Well, listen, Lawrence, you're going to love this.

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There you go. All right. You know that blue chew? I tried some of that. Did you? Okay. I ordered some. I was going to ask you.

And my dog got a whole lot of it. No, get the fuck out of here. I'm serious. And he started chewing that shit. I ain't seen that son of a bitch in two months. He's on a fucking roll. What kind of dog do you have? I got a chihuahua.

A real? The dog really ate the blue jay? I ain't seen him in two months. You may never see him again. One of my favorite stories about you, again, you're a rock star, is you show up at a practice handcuffed, but not because of legal reasons. You're with a woman who handcuffed you. Again, you're a rock star. You show up at a practice handcuffed, but not because of legal reasons. You're with a woman who handcuffed you.

Oh, come on. Stop it. That Carl Banks shit. Is that bullshit? No, it ain't bullshit, but now I want to talk about it. All right, then don't talk about it. Well, Mike has a handcuff story.

Share your handcuff story. Mike was handcuffed to his cousin, right? You want to get grossed out? My brother was always a wise man. Pulling pranks Mike was handcuffed to his cousin, right? You want to get grossed out? Let's not do this. My brother was always a wise ass. Pulling pranks on people in childhood, right? My uncle was a retired cop. Well, at the time, he was still active on the job. So my cousin brings out these handcuffs, right?

My brother was always a fucking idiot in childhood. We weren't handcuffed. My brother takes the key, right? Throws it out the fucking window. We were handcuffed together for hours. With no key? No key. I had to take a mess of shit in the middle of this.

I'm dragging my cousin upstairs. So he had a shit handcuff to his cover. I'm like, what am I going to do? He calls my uncle on the job at work, right? All you got to do is call a cop. They'll get you out. But that's a little embarrassing. No, but he called his partner

up who lived next door to him and he got us out but he was so fucking picked off at us. So you're just sitting there shitting handcuffed to somebody. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, he was not trying to do it because it was like I had to hold him like this and I was like closing the door. Do you think you got... Of all the wars

you've been through, do you think you'd get through that shitting handcuffed to Mike? Say it again. Do you think you could shit handcuffed to Mike? No, no? Do you think you could shit handcuffs to Mike? No.

No. I'm sorry. Hey, hey. You're just going to stay inside. I just don't want to know why the girl wouldn't uncuff you. What happened there? Couldn't find the key. Really?

Oh, that was it? All right. And I had practice. No, I had meetings in the morning. Fucking great. I had to go. I was going to say practice getting out of the handcuffs. That's my favorite story.

Another great thing in the documentary is Belichick, you would fall asleep. You knew the play zone. So Belichick's going over the defense. You're like sleeping. And he would wake you up and ask if you're paying attention. You would just get up and just, we're going to do this, this, this, and this. I had been playing the same defense for dang on nine years. It's like telling Babe Ruth

to practice hitting. I mean, listen, one thing about our defense, you know, is a 4-3. Yeah. Well, actually a 3-4. Uh-huh.

But I know every position. Right. I know what every player on my defense Right. what's what every player on my defense. Right. What's his responsibility. Absolutely. I know what everybody's doing.

So that's why they say, well, you do what you want to do. Well, I do what I want to do inside the framework of the defense. Right. Because I know where everybody's at. So, hey, I can do. So, I mean, you were a renegade, but you also knew the deal. I mean, you help your teammates. Listen, that's what I do.

You know, guys are always saying, I got my man, I got my man, I got my man. Man, your man got the football. That's where I'm going to go. I want to run to the football. But that's what I mean about the fumble against the Niners. You're always around the ball. But that's where all the action is. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's where you make your money. Yeah, that's against the Niners. Like, you're always around the ball. But that's where all the action is. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's where you make your money. Yeah, that's where the action is. What, um, the game today, you know, nobody's hitting quarterbacks, you know, like... It's a different game. I mean, do you think you could, like, restrain yourself from hitting a quarterback? I mean, Tom Brady, it's like, you know, he's got Secret Service around him or something. You know, hey, that's like he's got Secret Service around him or something. That's funny.

But you know what? You look at it, and as far as the physical part of it, you know, hey, guys, we don't look at it. I don't know if my head is turned this way or here it is turned this way. Listen, hey, I got a football. I'm going after football. Sure. And I got to do what I got to do to stop him. How do you stop yourself in that warrior mindset?

It's hard. But guys, they're starting to do it. They're starting to do it. And I think as time goes on, they'll get used to it. But you got to understand, when I grew up, I learned the way I played football. Yeah, yeah. And you can't stop. I played football. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And you can't stop. From Sandlock.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, you're a competitor. It's tough. What about the guy in Cleveland, Miles Garrett, the guy who hit the guy in the head with a helmet? Yeah, you know, that was unfortunate. That was, that's just bad judgment. Yeah. You know, I mean, God.

Do you see yourself ever, like, being, do you see you ever that out of control? I didn't go in there after a couple people, but not because they blocked me or something like that. Right, right. But, you know, if you go after them, hey, sooner or later, you're going to get them. The other bit I did last night at the roast

was doing Bob Shepard saying, and Taylor. You were in on it. I mean, that's a real thing. It's a bit I do in my stand-up where you were so good that the in-house announcer would say, like, Dorsett up the middle, gain of two. Spilled by Van Pelt, Carson, and Taylor. You were in on every tackle.

So, you know, Montgomery around the side, spilled by Carson and Taylor. You're in on every fucking play. God, you know, I maybe have CT because I can't think of the guy from Houston Oilers. Who? Bum Phillips? No, just got into the Hall of Fame a couple years ago.

Earl Campbell? No, come on, stop that. Defense. Oh, defense. A linebacker. Oh. God, I can't think of his name. Okay, go ahead.

I'll think of it. But he was the best player I had ever seen. Really? A linebacker for the Oilers from the 80s? God. I cannot believe him. I cannot believe I can't think of the name right now. Right.

But, hey, the best. He just run, run, run, run, run all day, all day, all day, all day. Every play, he's either making the play or he's around it somewhere. All day, all day, all day. And that's where I got my... No kidding. To pursue somebody. So he influenced you in a way.

Hey, I'll chase you all day, all day. Just never stop. He was a linebacker for the Orioles. 70s? He played in the 70er for the Orioles. 70s? He played in the 70s? He played in the 70s. Oh, okay. And in the early 80s.

See, that's funny. I never heard you. I cannot believe. I cannot. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm just coming up with Earl Campbell. He's not doing the linebacker.

He was a linebacker. He just put him in the Hall of Fame? was a linebacker. He just, he just, uh... They just put him in the Hall of Fame? A couple of years ago. But, but, it's, no, it's funny. I never heard you say someone influenced your play. I've never said it before. Yeah, wow.

But, I mean, I have never said it before. Right, right, right. But he has always influenced me. Was it Dr. Doom? Dr. Doom. No kidding. What's his, uh... What's his real, they don't have his,

why don't they have his real name? Give him his name. Come on. Is that his nickname, Dr. Doom? Dr. Doom. God. Whoa. Robert Brazil.

Oh, Robert Brazil. Yeah, yeah, wow. Come on. You know how Robert was. Good job, Allie. Thanks. Thank you, sweetheart. Hey, Robert Brazil would chase you all day.

Was he an outside linebacker? He was outside and inside. Yeah, he played in it. And he would, I mean, all day, all day. Was he an outside linebacker? He was outside and inside. And he would, I mean, all day, all day. Every time I turned around, he's on the play. That's amazing. He's on the play. So that style of play was just you.

That's my style of play. I mean, I'm just looking at, wow, wow, wow, wow. I just want to, every time there's a play, I want to be somewhere around it. I may not get there, but listen, I'm coming. Something else I want to be somewhere around it. I may not get there, but listen, I'm coming. Something else I want to bring up to you real quick.

You're a good actor, dude. In any given Sunday, that scene where you and Jamie Foxx in the steam room. Okay. Dude, I mean, that's real shit.

I've done like 14 films, man. Where the fuck you been? Yeah, I know, but I'm trying to tell you. Dude, dude, the best was the Waterboy. You had just gotten in trouble for crack

and your line is don't smoke crack at Waterboy. That was... I know. Hey, listen. Hey, well, hey. Don't do as I say.

Shitty time. Shitty time. But my point about bringing up the Any Given Sunday, you're working with Pacino and Oliver Stone. Like, what is that? So Oliver Stone calls you up and says, listen, you gotta working with Pacino and Oliver Stone. What is that?

So Oliver Stone calls you up and says, listen, you've got to play this part because no one can play you. I was actually in drug rehab. Okay. And Oliver Stone came to visit me. So let's say, you know, think about doing a movie any given Sunday and so on, so would you be interested in it? And he said, I want you to come down and have a reading.

So I went down to, not Al Pacino's place, what's the other guy that lives down there? Tribeca, De Niro? De Niro. De Niro, Tribeca, yeah, yeah. Yeah, so, hey, you know. So you auditioned for her.

So they let me off. And I went down. Oh, they let you out of rehab to do the audition. Yeah, yeah. And. That's amazing. I did a horrible job. Uh-huh.

You know, I mean, because I just, I mean, because I hadn't read the script or something. And I'm trying. Anyway. So about a month later, he called me and said, listen, hey, we down here, we want you to come down and be technical. Oh, advisor. Technical advisor. So I came on down, and I come over to the practice, and I'm sitting there watching it.

And Duncan Smith, you know, Duncan, what's the big guy from the Green Mile? Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah. Charles, yeah, something Duncan. Charles Duncan Smith. Yeah, whatever.

Clark Duncan Smith. Yeah, yeah. Anyway. Yeah, no, that's the guy. He asked away now. He asked me to, you know, just look at him.

So, they ran a play. That's a big guy, man. Yeah, they ran a play, a scene and stuff and Oliver looks at me and he said, man, I just don't feel it. I can't feel it. Well, he's trying to, man. Yeah, they ran a play, a scene and stuff, and Oliver looks at me and says, man, I just don't feel it. I can't feel it.

Well, he's trying to be you. Hey, he said, I just can't feel it. He said, LT, can you go into the locker room, put on the uniform, a helmet, you know, and everything, come out and run this. They were shooting a rehearsal. They were actually shooting the film. They were shooting a rehearsal. They were actually shooting a film. They were shooting a film,

but they were doing rehearsals right now. Right, okay. You know, well, not rehearsals. You know how you... Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Block it out. And then you go. He said, look at it.

So I come in, I run the scene, and I was starting to yell, that's what I'm talking about. No kidding. Wow. He looked over at Doug and talking about. No kidding. Wow. He looked over at Doug and said, you're gone, LT. So we fired him on the spot, and you got it. And I got the spot.

I got it. That is amazing. Wow, look at that. Yeah, huh? Oh, here we go. Wow. So this is a gift from LT to you. Oh, get out of here.

Oh, man. That's incredible. Yeah. Oh, get out of here. Oh, man. That's incredible. Yeah, I have the background of this. I am really friendly with white folks. Can you introduce me to a couple of them? I need to be friendly with white folk at this point. LT's working for Metro Exhibits, a company that designs and builds trade show exhibits. They also now are the exclusive provider of a 3D print called Tridelics.

That is unbelievable. That's really cool. Yeah. It looks like a 3D. Yeah, I mean, that's cool as hell. It's awesome. That's almost like your rookie year, it looks like. No, I got the Super Bowl 25.

Oh, okay, so about 87, 88. No, it's about 90 something. So that's around when you play the second ball. Yeah. 90, okay. Dude, that's really cool, man. Thank you. Wow.

Lars, I really appreciate it. Listen, man, as you can tell, I'm a huge fan. Here's what I want to tell you, man. Go ahead. You are loved, buddy. You are loved. Not just in Jersey. I mean, by anybody who, I mean.

If I wasn't, I wouldn't have had so many chances. But I want to tell you something. I'll tell you what. I want to tell you something. I am very grateful for everybody out there. You're one of my heroes. I'm going to tell you something, and I'm glad I got a chance to tell you. If I never see you again, you helped save my life, dude.

You helped save my life because I'm a bad drug addict. And when someone like you overcomes all that shit and becomes a legend and is still doing well today, and I see it, and you're happy, and you're here, that helped save my life. Okay, great. I'm glad to hear that. And I appreciate it. So we're going to cry or what? No, no, no. I'm not trying to cry.

God bless you for helping. I'm not trying to cry like a bitch like Joe Theismann. It's true, because God bless you for helping other people, but you did. I appreciate it. How hard was it to get sober, by the way? Was it really hard? You know what? It was.

That white lady, man. It was hard. It is. Until, you know, I went to rehab, right, for 30 days. Until, you know, I went to rehab, right, for 30 days. And Charlie Stuckey was my counselor. At Honesty House. Yes.

I know Charlie Stuckey. I went to rehab there. I went to rehab there. We have that in common. I stayed there for 30 days. In Sterling, New Jersey, yeah. But I didn't do any. I didn't do none of the participation drills. I get you.

I get you. And so after in the 30 days, I was looking to get out. Right. So I said, okay, now you want to do it 30 days of my way? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, so I had to go for another 32 days. Older guy, great guy. He helped me out too.

He helped me out a lot. I'll tell you what. days. Older guy, great guy. He helped me out, too. He helped me out a lot. And I'll tell you what. I, when I moved in, I, right after, I went down to, like I told you, to do the movie.

Right, right. I left Jersey. I moved to Florida. Changed people, places and things. And I'll tell you what. Hey. Well, that's the thing, man. I've been cool ever since. Good for you, because you're always going to be Lawrence Taylor, bro.

I mean, it's going to be hard to... And I wish you nothing but the best. Rock on, brother. Thank you. And thanks for doing this. Hey, no problem. You know, hey, listen, hey, you've got to help the white folks out. You want another white friend, you're going.

Listen to how busy I am. Here are my tour dates. New Year's Eve, I'm at the Ague Theater in Albany. That's a biggie. January 3rd and 4th, I'm at Gotham Comedy Club, where we were last night in New York City. January 10th, I'm at the Ague Theater in Albany. That's a biggie. January 3rd and 4th, I'm at Gotham Comedy Club, where we were last night in New York City. January 10th, I'm at the Count Basie Theater in Red Bank. January 24th, Keswick Theater in Glenside, PA.

January 25th, the Mock Chunk Opera House, Jim Thorpe, PA. January 31st and February 1st, Levity Live in West Nyack, New York. And I'll be in Vegas, Arizona, coming up. Allie, thank you, sweetie. Love you. You want to mention anything? No, I'll be with you. Yeah, I'll be opening for everybody.

And, Borshetti, you have anything to mention? You taking a shit with anybody else? No, no, it's, sweetie. Love you. You want to mention anything? No, I'll be with you. Yeah, I'll be opening for Artie. And Burschetta, do you have anything to mention? Did you take a shit with anybody else? No, no. It's just such a great day. You're an icon. It was so great to meet you. Thank you.

See, white, black. That was very nice. All right, LT, I love you. Thank you. And see you next time on Artie Lang's Halfway. You got it, bud. I'll see you next time.