Asmongold TV - Entire Ubisoft vs 1 guy | Asmongold TV

Episode Date: September 29, 2025

Entire Ubisoft vs 1 guy Asmongold show for all of his stream highlights, competitions, reactions & more. ---------------- -------------- Keywords: pc gaming, twitch streamer, gaming content creator, streamer podcast, gaming drama Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Schedule one beat the fuck out of you. That's true. That's a fact. Oh, bro, this shit went crazy. All right, class of 25. I'm going to start this course with a little disclaimer. Don't do drugs. Sell it.

It's too bad he didn't say that in French. Sell them to everyone you see. And the business we like to say Rome wasn't built in the day, but it could have been if everyone was on Coke. That's true. You can't. That's why you need my course. Free lesson.

You see a cop? You go, hey, buddy, you like donuts? How about donut? flavored cocaine. That's pretty good. But you know where you'll get sent to a magical place brimming with potential customers. When you feel your heart burning, your chest tightening, that isn't your penance for eating that gas station burrito earlier? That's the Jeff Bezos inside of you crawling to get out so he can hire undocumented Venezuelans for pennies on the dollar. Fuck yes, there it is. That's capitalism, boys.

Custlers Correspondence course, somewhat proudly making you the most okay drug lords since 1983. Some people like to say what we're teaching here at side hustlers' correspondence course is bad. That we shouldn't do it because drugs are bad. Who says that? Bill Cosby? Nancy Reagan say no to drugs. She needed a hit of my slippery dog. Yeah, fuck that.

I'm going to chill the fuck out if you ask me. Who else? Will Smith? How's that working for? I'm not so good. I'm even more cracked than the CIA. I'm thriving. I'm in my lane.

Besides, what else should I be doing? Playing Ubisoft games? Their new shit's a black hole of soul. It'll siphon the soul out of your body through your controller. Schedule 1 was made by a single man named Tyler. And that man's soul is felt behind every Chinese shop owner that I turn into shack. You want to know how... Jesus Christ.

One man cooked Ubisoft. He let you put a horse's love lava on crack. Case closed. Yeah, of course, because it's fucking funny. The thing is that all of these new games and like everything, they're so sanitized. And nobody wants that. Yeah, that's the Tim Wal. You want to know another reason for how he cooked Ubisoft?

This is how I feel when I'm playing Schedule 1? This is what happens when you play AC Shadows. Hey, you, what do you think of Assassin's Creed Shadows? You want to be that guy shit in this soul out of every R-O-Oh! Then let's get started with a tip from side hustlers, Correspondence Course alumni Flickl Lagasi. He runs the best cooking channel on the hub. You're gonna love this guy.

Let's see you. Hey, folks, welcome back to a little bam, bam, bam in the morning. Flinkle tip number one. Don't buy your horse spunk from Glock. They overcharge you because they're Supply comes from champion horses. You know ones that win races and beauty pageants, they're at least top three. This is what I did.

Hey! Because we buy that long shot horse jizz. That one million to one hip displace your waddler that never pays off until he pays off big. But for me, he always pays off big. You see this shelf? Oh, God. This all came to a horse that placed 27 out of 27 in 2009's Kentucky Derby. Oh.

Keep this under your hat, but I've got a sweatshop. Holy shit. All of gunk from a horse. from a horse that does civil war reenactments and he gets real method with it too. I mean, I can't tell which side he fights for, but- That's a warehouse. He does not like rap music. Except Kanye, he's fine with Kanye.

I wonder why. Thanks, Flakel. I didn't really need to fucking know any of that. Now let's get into the first module of the side hustlers' correspondence course, production. Have you ever played Cooking Mama, you're ready to succeed in the drug-making business? Because all this is is cooking mama for crackheads. Remember playing on your DS going, The ginger, prepared the chicken deep fry it. Same thing here.

Pouring the low quality pseudo. Except crack. Now the acid, now the phosphate. Mix it, boil it, bake it, smash it into rocks. Then mix in a little Viagra, so all your cost- I always thought selling meth was a huge waste in this game. I think you go immediately to cocaine. Stay hard, motherfucker.

Yeah, meth, bro. Yeah, well, I... Cunning your drugs is the X factor of this game. It's what separates the crack from the cocaine. But we ain't cutting our product. product with fend. We're respectable entrepreneurs. We're cutting our product with whatever the hell we find on the shelves of our local 7-11. You start with donuts, then you level up in the CIA database to unlock everything from dick pills to gasoline to a horse's love lotion. That's right. The product gets a

new effect. Ice cream thunderfall. Some of these effects include... He should just, dude, they should just use this as a commercial for the game. Like, this is the kind of shit that plays on like adult swim at 3.30 and in the morning when everybody's asleep and you're like half what you're like is this a show or is this a commercial in your skin green turning you into a woman tropic thundering or true doing it if you're a canuck and if you want to fuel all your customers for three days you can make a black but the real fun part is making a big one can you make a black recipe that combines all these effects together and that's what it's all about not the money it's about inflicting so much shit on your customers that when you see them on the street pimping that Chernobyl race

you go i know what kind of man you are that's right tend this game is evil genius and if you don't know what that game is pretend you do only one effect is good but eight effects and your customers will be so gacked out of their minds and they'll feel like they're committing identity fraud oh my god i'm themselves once scooby gets these snacks he'll be solving the mystery of the Jesus. Now most people cut their drugs with a complete obedience to the bag. They just want to charge the most. Yep, that's what I do. That's exactly what I do. That's exactly what I do.

Singing show tunes and getting tugged off by Thai hookers. That's right. Whenever I make a new strain, I try to tap into what Michelangelo was thinking when he was painting the Sistine Chapel. What was that? I tried to invoke the muses and listen to their song of a hooker sugar strain that makes someone fly while being electrified while shitting themselves, while convulsing while being a ginger.

Does that do it to him? Does that do it to him? Oh, Bob's your aunt. Now he can't drive anymore. I like to make a story with my Yeo, man, like Emingway, man. If you look like McLevin, I'll turn you into McLizzo. Enjoy story. Oh shit.

The next die-hor. Wait, what? Now he can't drive anymore. I like to make a story with my Yeo, man, like Emingway, man. If you look like Mclovin, I'll turn you into McLizzo. Enjoy. All right. Storing in the next that's right movie the money comes and the money goes perfect hiring a gypsy to spit on my weed

So I can curse your bloodline for a thousand years X legacy baby let's go over a leak of a galaxy with another tip hey welcome back everyone tip number three Addicks will come up to you in a street asking for product yeah don't have anything they're mad So always have a wicked bag of witch weed on that you come up to me in the street threatening me for product I'm gonna give you some shit that'll make your dick fly off like a magic broo $48? Bro, why is he selling it so cheap? Please give you a taste of Teddy Kay's Baja last. Named after the second most famous delivery man behind Santa Claus.

Bam! Let's cut the commercial break while spark some of this shit up. Let's talk deal making. Hello who is. Bro. What is this picture? Oh my God. Flakel matter.

This is so fucking. Yeah. What's with all these Italians going, bam. Boom and boom. What's happening to this country? Tag me in coach. No one sells crack like Flump does. I sell the best crack. When I negotiate my crack deals, even the DEA goes, wow, that guy can sell crack. He really can. All right. Hang up the phone, Minion Vance. We're not supposed to be in this video. Once you have the product, the hard port is over because making deals comes down to one basic rule. Oh, that's stupid bitch Peggy. I remember her. She wouldn't, she was so annoying.

March them and if they don't agree you shoot them. Just the one time, yeah. Because and I want you to remember this, one times a prank, two times is a felony. Pimp, I need you to channel Nintendo here. Remember Venezuelan Paco? Remember how he's no longer with us? Now you may think this is a horrible way to conduct business.

Holy shit. And you're right. I barely make anything off drug dealing. In fact, I pretty much make everything off of just going to the casino, turning the slot machines up to a hundred. No, he doesn't do the same thing. I did. Where you just go back and forth spamming every single one? No. No. And then hammering all of them until I make 30 grand. It's a foolproof plan. I never lose.

The game is glitched. Ha ha ha. Fucking idiots. Update. And the lawsuit prevention patch. They nerf the slot machines and now I have nothing. I'm back to selling my passed out customers for money. That chick just up my net worth to one dollar. It's like they say. Wait so you can turn people in. to recycling for $2? I didn't know that. Opportunities don't happen. You create them. Once you have a mountain of product and your deals are all made, it's time to hop into the snowmobile and deliver some yay-yo man.

Holy shit. Some people have a big issue with the police stopping them from their entrepreneurship. I don't. Delivering drugs is even even even even once. Never. The hard part is not doing them all before you get there. You know, some people ask me, Flick, how do you get past all these police barricades? So I tell them, why don't you just get a force? friend to phase through the barricade for you. They tell me, Fleak, I don't have friends.

Do you have a gun? A 1911, really? Do you know how many bullets are in a 1911? Seven. There are seven bullets in a... Couldn't you just kill all the cops in the city and that way everything's fine? I feel like that would be a good idea. To shoot them all.

So that means you have seven things you should try before asking me. Such a stupid goddamn question. I do it. Oh, they respond? Oh, do that I mean they respawn? That's so dumb. That's so dumb. to hell you fuck you know why would they respawn

another flea clip for the audience at home this one's for the kids the kids are gonna love this one don't give your dealer's product with the explosive effect because you won't be able to go anywhere without getting bam i go to the motel bam i go to a 7-11 bam my associate goes to make a deal my life my business my earnings my marriage i actually uh you know what now that i know that you can you can sell people drugs that make them have like a drug-induced electrical seizure in the street it makes me want to start playing the game again because I was worried that we'd have to wait until they added fentanyl into the game

for that to happen but it seems like you can do it right now all ruined by thought about doing it bam I give this blend at 8.5 break all in a play right there all right let's cut to commercial break

now you're all set to become your very own kingpin so I'm turning my attention to Tyler now Tyler we all know that being a jackass on the internet directly translates to being a good game designer, so I've got to... That's right. Yes. If there are game designers, actually, this is just in general. If somebody gets, like, a Twitter history, like, exposed, and it turns out that they're just, like, a massive schizo on Twitter,

I immediately trust anything they're going to say. At that point, I know that, okay, now we're dealing with a real person. Now we're dealing with a real one. drug effect suggestions for you I'm gonna go through these quick though I gotta go bowling in like five minutes A steroid effect Aroid rage effect

Gigantism effect A dick shrinking effect Listen I know we already have Generizing It's a little bit too committal I'm just trying to take a little off the bottom Is generizing what I think it is These police keep drawing on me on account

Of my massive mega meat It is right A big budget effect Of course it is A big feet effect No time to explain Let's get an effect That turns you into Honda Odyssey

A disarming effect Asperger's effects, so NPCs walk around saying, bitch. Yeah, Mr. Bitch, bouch, bouch. Ploaning effect, crab hands effect, nudist effect. No time to explain. Alright, that's it. You follow my god and you'll end up just like me. Staring at my new golden toilet, getting ready to put my cheeks

to some nice buttery gold. No, listen. Take that first flush, man. All right. Hell yeah, brother. Wow. Oh, fuck, oh, God, yeah! That's my fucking toilet!

It's my toilet now! Alright, I am the one who sits. Mix it, boil it, bake it. Smash it. Mix it, boil it, bake it. Smash it, Mix it, boil it Bake it

Smashes it Mix it, Boil it Smashes it This game was good Smash it Mix it, boil it It is so crazy

how one guy made this game and it was so good I am the one who shit Wow Bro there's a video It's a Fleecoid video I fucking love these They are so good

Give it a like man