Asmongold TV - So I played this grandpa simulator.. | Asmongold TV

Episode Date: July 13, 2025

So I played this grandpa simulator.. Asmongold show for all of his stream highlights, competitions, reactions & more. --------------- Keywords: esports commentary, gaming reactions, gaming culture, pc gaming, video game analysis Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

So let's get into it. This is life. What a beautiful moment. Oh, fuck. Please don't tell me I have to go to another funeral. Quite the contrary. What about an adventure? Nope.

What? Can't help myself when I see a gorgeous woman. Not only in the military. I was a ranger. And that always attract woman. I'm all right. Wait, give me a second. Okay.

Continue. I need already have one of my guys going here. I'm too high and too old for this shit. I'm sorry, lady, but I'm not doing shit. I will have sex with you. Wait, what? What's the color of the van again? I'm on my way.

I'm home. Charlie bring the guns from downstairs and meet me at the door. Okay, grandpa. Grandpa is fucking tonight. Oh my gosh. God. Listen very closely. What I'm about to tell you, turd. Tonight needs to go perfect just like your grandma titties. Grab that shout gun and kill all the pigs you see. Your grandpa needs some pussy back in his life. What the fuck? Wait, I'm in the game, I'm pretty sure. Oh, I am.

Okay, um, what the hell do I do? Okay, I can zoom in. Oh, fuck. Shit, the feds are going crazy. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Oh, I can store a grenade. Shoot the cop! There you go, there you go, nice. Okay, I'm gonna get the right.

Oh, I get a... Oh, I get a weapon. Who's this stupid bitch? You better fix your shit. The feds are looking for you. Oh, fuck. I just killed her! Ha ha!

Alright junior, let's go. Oh fuck, look, look all the cops. Okay, I gotta go maybe this way. Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, I got to run, I gotta run, I gotta run. Get him, Junior, get him, Junior. Oh fuck, wait, what? I have some delicious yummy snacks. Alright, we're gonna flank them, let me flank them, let me flank them,

I'm flanking them. Come on. Get him now now got him got him nice nice nice can I get the gun bro I needed that I needed that gun give me a minute let me see does the other guy have a gun no he does he stole my fucking gun god damn it okay it was a yeah I got you I got my shit yoyink by junior oh bro let's go let's go let's go bro like I okay I'm pick this up Alright! Fuck yeah!

Oh, this is great! Okay, let's go! I got a lot of ammo too. Oh, I just realized I have a health bar. Oh shit! Okay, okay, okay. Alright, we got him. Big boy got him.

Oh, I can't use this. Alright, where's that bitch at? So we just have to kill the police if we need... We need if we see the police, we have to kill him. Just shoot the police. It's on site. Got him? Nice, nice, nice.

I'll kill him too. I might as well, right? It's bulletproof. You see that? Okay, let's keep going. Flag is bulletproof. Easy. Easy, easy, easy, easy, easy.

Got him. See, I just pop them off, bro. I'll pop them right off. Oh. Do I or not? Damn, bro, he doesn't give a fuck. I can't even kill him! They don't even let me kill the dog!

Shit! Got him? I gotta get a new pistol pretty soon. I wonder if I'm going the right way. Oh wait, is that the van? Oh shit, I think that's the van. Wait, I made it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't take another step. Are you the guys?

I did it. Did it. Young man, I suggest you lower your weapon if you want to go home tonight. Yeah, you are them for sure. Getting quick. The boss is waiting. Okay. But first, we need to stop at the drugstore. I can't do that, sir. She will kill me if we are late. Okay, okay, okay. The boss will need to wait a little bit. Fuck me. A lot longer. The boss will need to wait a lot longer. Grandson, I'm really proud of you. Your mom will have been happy to see you.

Grandpa, thank you. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm just going to wait inside the van. Okay, so that's... Oh shit. It's the second level. Yep.

Got an extra green. So, how do you know my boss? The only thing you need to know is that you better find a drugstore before I shoot you in the leg. Oh, come on! Is impossible to find a drugstore open at this hour? Where am I supposed to find one open? Oh, there's a store open. Oh, there's a store open.

You better yield. Three, two. You are a cranky old timer. You really need to relax and have a blowjob or smoke some weed. I don't want new kids, less if it's coming from your boss. Wait, what did you just tell me? Are you been awarded with the privilege to fuck my boss? Yes, I am.

That is awesome. Her breast was sculpted by God itself, and the best part is that she has smooth curves to ride. I dream about her almost every night. And you are going to still keep dreaming. Bro, what the fuck? Hey. Hey.

This is a pretty nice place. Look at that. You get tents. It's iPads. Sombreros? Wait, button to kill. Welcome to my ad log store. How can I help you today?

I did not understand a single word coming out of your mouth. but where can I find the extra large condoms. Ha! No extra large condoms for you, only extra small for you. Don't test my patience. Please show me where I can find the extra large condoms. Oh, now you understand every word coming out of my mouth. Wait a moment.

Anything else? My favorite gringo? Nope. That's all. Wait. Please add some energy drink and the Viagra as well. I knew you had a small cock. What any of this has to do with my cock?

What cock, who's cock, who's old? Grandpa hell is not going to do anything about it. Yeah, maybe tomorrow will give you a surprise visit. No, no, no, no, no, no, surprise visit tomorrow. Next customer in line. Go, Junior, I got you your favorite energy drink. Thank you, Grandpa. Wait, are you crazy?

That will kill him. It's quite the opposite. He always falls asleep without them. That's exactly why you don't feed them that stuff. Oh, shit. You little bitch. and tell me where your boss is located. Yeah, about that.

They captured her and put her in the basement of a building. Is she really worth it? Uh-oh. Fuck it. Take me to that building. I knew you wouldn't back down. But to enter the building, you must go through the forest and the back door. Are you still up to it?

Do you think I am a little bitch like you? We are doing this. Listen to me very well and very closely. Because I will not be going to tell you a second time. Don't call you. Block, block me. My friend, you really, really, really need a doctor. Just watch my grandson while I rescue your boss.

Goodbye, champ. Grandpa needs to rescue a woman in that building right there. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Oh my fucking God. Okay. Um... Oh, I can't go this way. All right. Alright, let's go. Can I jump up there? Wait. Oh, oh, I see, I see. So I have to infiltrate the building. Hey, son of a bitch. Where's this gun? Oh, there it is.

I gotta get more ammo. Oh, I just shoot him right that. That was easy. Damn! I'm just killing these... Oh shit! Fuck. Fuck, what... Okay, I gotta get him. Okay, I get more ammo? Okay, we got a health back. It's fine, it's fine, it's fine. We got that health back, it's not a deal. No auto-a-a-a-o-a-.

Yeah, I know. I gotta walk in. Okay, I can't go that way. I gotta go this one. Okay. We got, we gotta go in this one. How's he crouched? Okay, okay. All right, good. We gotta be sneaky, bro. We gotta shoot them in the head. I hope Junior is okay, but I have to do this.

Shut up. Shut up, I don't want to hear anything about that. Okay, all right, they're all dead. That's good. Let's look down this way. Anything over here? I don't know if this is the right way or it's the wrong way. I think this is the path.

I think this is where I was just at. So let's turn around. We're going to go this one. Okay, let's do it. It's an accurate pistol? Yeah, for sure, guys. The problem is that I'm not accurate. Okay, we're making our way in here.

Nice. We get more help. I need that, I need that. I need more of this shit. I thought you were capped out. Got him. Got him. Got him.

Where the hose at? Damn, that shit was easy. Oh, I get grenades. And a fucking knife? I think I probably should just use the... Oh, I can use different... I've got different weapons too. Fuck, I'm gonna get the shotgun then. Okay.

Oh, this is... Big. Okay. Let's look around where I need to go. I don't see anywhere this way. Let's turn back around. We gotta find out where these hos are at. We're on the prowl. We're on the loose. I guess it must be this way. I'm gonna use the pistol for now, though. Okay, I think this is the path. I just realize what if she is in her period? No way it starts playing the music after that. Oh my god. Where they at? We gotta shoot the police in game. Fuck. They all dead. We get some more ammo too. Maybe I need to go up there.

Let me check this way first. Yeah, bro. This has gotta be a path. It's gotta be like a path or some shit like this. What? Wait what? Hey. Fuck! No! Oh, I didn't see that shit at all. I just got fucked. Suck my dick. What a dick sucker man. Like yeah, I just got knocked down. I couldn't do shit He was waiting for me man. I wonder if I can get up there I think it wants me to get up there It wants me to do maybe it doesn't want me to do this. I don't know if maybe it doesn't You want me to keep trying don't me keep trying all right are I do I do I do oh oh oh

Oh, they do want me to keep you Oh my god. Oh my god. This is such a dick sucker. This is such a cock sucker bro. We might not be able to do this. There's no way they want me to do that. I can't do it I don't have that I don't have the skill level. I gotta go around Let's go. We gotta move forward. Okay, this is a pretty nice area Is there a waterfall somewhere around here? Let's keep moving. I see him. You guys saw him? Oh fuck. I thought maybe it would be like one of those situations.

Ammo? Oh shit. It's a jumping puzzle. Grenade? Wait, really? How do I throw grenades again? How do I throw a grenade? Gee?

I think I can do it. I think I can do the jump. Honestly, like, I'm good at video games. Like, I shouldn't even be, I shouldn't even be second-guessing myself about this. Like, this is not even a big deal. This is not even a big- I... It's not even a big deal. It's not a...

Oh, we in this shit now. Finally, I'm out of the forest. What? Okay, I gotta loot that. Oh, wasn't there health over there? Okay, we're gonna stick with the pistol. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah.

Okay, let's try and go inside. I can't. We'll go up the ladder. Ooh, got it. I was worried it wasn't gonna work. Stupid ass. stupid ass. He's an army ranger, bro. Damn! Jesus, go, like he just killing him. Bro, this bitch better be hot.

Okay, we got big, we got a lot of ammo. Let's get inside here. Bought him. Bro, it should be hot as fuck. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. We gotta go in through here. Shit! Oh, fuck, we got the music going. We got music going. I caught that guy by surprise.

Shit! Shit! Get that health pack? This hits the spot. I gotta be careful now. All right, all right. That guy got me with the shoddy. Where they at? Where they at? Get that ammo. Got both of them?

Pick up that health pack. I need more of this shit. Yeah. All right, we're making our way inside the warehouse. We got to find out where this bitch is. Yeah, come on. Okay, good? No, no. We have to do it.

We gotta do it to them. Easy. Easy. It's too fucking easy for me. What? What? Okay. All right. We're fine. We're fine. I'm not good. I'm almost dead, bro. I'm so... I'm so close to almost dead.

Oh, thank God I'm on the cutscene. Okay, we're good. I made it. Fuck. I left my weed in the van. Oh, we gotta get the ammo. Okay, we're breaking in now. We're inside the building. Health refresh, yeah, I know.

Let me actually take this down a little bit. There. There. Is that a bad guy or a good guy? Let's find out. It's a bad guy. Uh, let's see. Pistol. Ammo as well? All right, good. Game of the year? At least. Okay. Where the fuck do I go? I can't go through there. Can't go through here? I see... Wait, can I go in there? There's a red button? No, there's not. Oh shit! Got him. He's dead. Easiest shot of my life. Got him? That's Army Ranger gameplay. Easiest game of my life. Okay. Where the ho's at? Oh bro, I got everything. I got everything loaded up. I'm a fucking killer. Okay, let's go this way now. Uh, let's go this way now. Okay, let's go this way now. Okay, let's go this way now. Not so bad. Not so good either, but okay. Ooh, what's this?

Oh shit. Oh shit. So are these all the... I wonder, am I killing police officers here? Maybe it's the FBI. I don't even know. Hello. Damn. Okay.

They got the hose in there. I need more of this shit. Okay, let's keep going. It's time. Bust in through this shit. Quick draw that bitch. that bitch. All right. Not so bad. Health pack. I'm trying to see if there's anything else I got to look at. I really got to get some more ammo soon too. Okay. All right. I can get his ammo. I'm a little bit too,

uh, maybe I'm too aggressive. Actually, you know what? That's not true. I'm not aggressive enough. Not bad aim. I'm doing all right. Not doing all right. Involver. I got more pistol ammo, bro. I need more pistol ammo right now. I only got six shots left. Oh, oh, oh. Ooh, I didn't see this. What game is this? Oh, it must be this gate. All right, I got it. Pistol ammo. That's what I'm talking about. See, guys, I told you I get ammo. Easiest game in my life.

What's this? Healthpack? I'm stacked. Let's get the fuck up here. Nothing is going to stop me from getting laid. That's right. Oh. Jesus, bro, I got... I'm taking big damage. This is really bad. Okay, I gotta help back right here.

Okay, that gets me- Yeah. Fuck yeah, it's right. I ain't even see his ass. Okay, where's the fucking button here? Okay, good. I need more of this shit. Okay, let me look around. The act and the aim?

I feel like I've been doing all right, bro. Like, I'm- I'm- I'm doing fine. Like, I'm not popping off, right? But like, I'm doing what I need to do. Yeah, I'm doing all right Okay, we gotta go in this way Where they at? I thought there was gonna be some guy there. All right, I'm I'm capped out Got him. What? What? We gotta get that gun for all right guys got an AK

Got him two of them two of us Fuck. Okay, all right, we got we got keep it. We got keep it on top Shit, I got him Got him? Not so bad. Where the hose at? Damn, we basically just went and killed everybody. There's one guy left.

Damn, now there's not. Down, damn. This gets the spot. Okay, uh, let's see. All right, we got everything. Let's move. Now we're gaming? Yeah, you're right.

What a bunch of bitches. They thought they can stop me. Oh, shit. Oh shit, they got me the big gun now. Let's do it. They want me to use this. I'm about to pop in and just blow everybody to fuck up. Let's go.

Where they at? Bottom. Easy enough. Damn. Ho's mad, huh? Is that a guy? I got to play it a little bit safer until I get some more health. I need more of this shit.

Yeah, I sure do. We're not taking any more shotguns, bro. Fuck that. Going through ammo quick. Yeah, I know. It's fine. Fuck yeah. See that? I just, all I have to do is I just gotta stay on top of them. What does it say? Restrooms, security room? Okay, let's go in the bathroom. I was trying to shoot up. I was hoping I'll be able to shoot somebody while they're taking shit.

Okay, health pack is full. All right, I'm good on this. We're ready. Okay, security room. Let's go there. I need a janer. Got him. It's easy, bro. He's a train killer. All right, let's loot. Let's loot up. Let's get up. All right, so how I, how I, how I handle this shit? Okay, I can't do shit to that. All right, it's nothing.

I just got to keep going. I got to be careful. Ooh, radioactive. Ooh, where I go now, what I do now. This is, it's pretty accurate too, because the old guy doesn't know how to use computers. See, there's no interact button with the computers. Shoot the barrels? No, I don't think that works.

Let's go. I didn't expect that at all. Gotta be sneaky. There's no way there's some like a dick sucker hiding out in here, right? No, there's not. Healthpack, I don't need a health pack. Gotta stay real careful. Real, real careful.

Why this vent is so fucking long. That's exactly what I was wondering. Yeah, I was doing that shit exactly the same thing. Where'd they at? Anybody else? Ooh. Oh, oh, oh, what, and that one? I just spray them down.

down bro. They ain't shit. They have an automatic weapon? No they didn't. Alright, all right, all right. I always got to be careful on my ammo situation. Oh, can I open this door? Oh, I get more ammo there. That's really good for me. Let's go. All right. I guess we gotta go down this way. Damn. This is a long way down. She must be down here. Yeah. What's this? Healthpack? Okay. I gotta stay careful. Maybe we do like this, maybe we do like that. It's a fucking drone, bro.

What they doing with the fucking drone? Okay, let's uh... I guess I might just take this right now. This spot. Let's get it. Where they at? Where they at? I see it looks in different directions. You see?

Bro, like... That shit was scary. Almost died! I'm almost fucking dying, bro. What? All right, we gotta move in. All right, where's this stupid bitch at? That's right. Still no fucking ammo.

Still no fucking ammo, man. Where's my fucking ammo? Oh, wait. Okay, I got my AR. Oh, I'm actually, I'm strapped now. It looks like someone is tied up. It's about time you show up. Your dumb-ass assistant drives really slow.

Either way, thank you for doing this. I was starting to worry. You got scared of the feds and lied to me about your military experience. And why I would do that? I don't know. That's much better. Come on. Let's get you out of this place.

Wait. What are you doing? We have to go. Your military experience was true. Let's see if your other legends are true. I'm giving you what you came here for. God bless America. Go on his back.

Wait. That's the intro? Wait, I have to tell you some deep shit. Thank you for getting me laid because I don't know if you noticed. But I did not have any sex for a while, and you better leave a good review. Oh my fucking God. And they're coming out with the LC. Wow.

Oh my fucking god. Wow. I gotta say this shit was real, huh? There's gonna be more levels? I think so. Surprise mechanics? Chapter two? Well, I think that's it, right? Yeah, no, that's the same thing. Yeah, I was about to say. How do I, how do I, how do I, how do I, how do I, I'll restart it? Give me a minute. Yeah, because that's what I thought it was. Okay, all right. I gotta say, what I think about the game, honestly,

the shit played pretty well, bro. Like, it did. Like, it was a good game. Like, honestly, 47 minutes of great list. Seems like a game for 14-year-olds. Bro, this is absolutely a game for 14-year-olds. Abs of fucking looting.

But apt to 100%. This is, it yeah a hundred percent like yeah it this they got dLC coming out this month yeah yeah this is the um uh i'll show you the dLC in a minute right pretty comedic for its audience yeah i guess so and uh wow better than dragon age i guess so there's a youtube channel youtube i will get that tomorrow i go look at right now but like gaming's supposed to be pointless fun i tell you something this is definitely point was fucking fun. And the game, it was just like, it was just funny, bro.

Like, it's just a funny game. And, uh, I like it. And 14 year olds to wishing there, 30 year olds to wishing they were 14? That's a fact. That's a fucking fact. That's a, yeah. That's an absolutely. That's a 100%.

That's a definitely. Is this better than Dragon Age? I mean, let me see what people say about the game. What? I, I, I, I probably go. go and look and see. I wish there are any more games like this? Yeah, yeah, this is funny. And so they're adding a free

DLC for this game. And I'll show you the DLC. This is what the DLC is. What's wrong, doctor? I'm sorry, guys, but your girlfriend can't get pregnant. Her body has an army of bacteria that kills all sperm before reaching the anger.

That's great news. Oh, come on, Grandpa, this is serious? Yes, please help us, Grandpa. Doctor, is there something we can do to help? Well, there's one thing. You need to smoke this weed so you can shrink and travel to the cervix. This is some hillbilly type of shit. Here are the guns, guys.

What for? You need it for protection. Remember, there's bacteria inside her vagina. Fuck yeah. It's going to sleep with your wife. Grandpa. Who is going to chill but kill if he has to? Grandpa.

Who is the guy that will put to palest to sleep? Hey grandson, wake up. We are inside your girlfriend's vagina. Whoa, this is awesome. Either you have a big dick or she has been with it. Now, let's get your girlfriend pregnant. You ain't got to tell me I can feel it. Yeah. Yeah, we're going to play this DLC when it comes out. I'll tell you that. That's a fact.