Asmongold TV - Ubisoft's Billion Dollar Game Lost To This.. | Asmongold

Episode Date: June 27, 2025

Ubisoft's Billion Dollar Game Lost To This.. Subscribe to Asmongold TV on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@AsmonTV Disclaimer: This podcast is an independent project created by a viewer using content from the YouTube channel Asmongold TV. The purpose is to make his content more accessible to those who prefer audio formats, helping more people engage with the ideas presented in his videos. This podcast is not affiliated with, endorsed by, or officially associated with Asmongold. All rights to the original content remain with Asmongold TV. If there are any concerns or requests regarding this podcast, please reach out. --- Keywords: game criticism, gaming reactions, reaction videos, twitch clips, gaming hot takes, streamer reactions Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

I've been playing this game a little bit off stream. Men only want one thing, and it's not money, it's not power. It's imposing my feminine dominance brother. Yarr, Pim. Sorry, didn't mean to hit you with the hard y'ar right out of the gates. I've just been very pepped up ever since they shut down all those hooters. Now where am I supposed to find me future wife? I still haven't replaced my go-to.

You can just find her on only fans. Anyways, after 84 long years, the Japanese have returned to Hawaii this time. After 84 long years, the Japanese have returned to Hawaii. Just a second. That's a classic. Gifts. A gift that combines two of the greatest things there are. Pirates and Yakuza.

Yakuza games are like if cocaine did LSD, then smoked a bowl. Japan before and after the nukes right here. And Hawaii are like high-level floor. Fuck. God damn you I've been playing this game myself I'm sending that to my lawyer you fuck and pirate yakuza all it takes is minutes

to go from some poor lady mourning the loss of her entire family to a 60 year old man blasting the angry birds theme while he drifts his pirate ship shooting his laser power that's right purple cannon purple cannon purple can't and a ship full of clowns then topping it off by scraping their purple cannon purple can't

and a ship Oh my god They even have Reddit representation. Full of clowns, then topping it off by straping their poop deck with a fully automatic non-lethal flintlock. That sentence only even exists in a Yakuza game. And that's the abbreviated version. Man. I think these games can't get any wilder.

They add an entire mini game that's basically duck hunt if instead of react. Yeah, they have a mini game in one of the Yakuza games where you can literally basically just watch porn. I don't know how that happened. But yeah. to ducks flying out of the trees you're reacting to old up guys jumping out from a Honda dumpster there is not a single franchise that has as much fun as yakuza does and when i get a spare lifetime i plan on finishing i never understood how good these games were until i played this like i'm i'm getting close to being done with monster hunter wilds

and like at least like kind of getting to where like i'm no longer i'm just like playing it kind of for fun. I'm not like grinding anymore. The pirate yakuza game is so fun. And after I finish that, I'm going to play another yakuza game too. These games are amazing. Single one of these games that's sit permanently on my hard drive waiting to give me joy. But one of the things I find most interesting about yakuza is that it shows how simple fun can be. Therefore, accentuating how incompetent you have to be to make something that isn't fun.

Like let's say, for example, I don't know, you throw the GDP of Bosnia on making a pirate game, and then you don't even put any shipboarding in it. Or how about you're making a new addition to your franchise all about jumping in? It's like imagine, this is what's so sad. It's like imagine being Ubisoft, spending the better part of a decade making a pirate game, and then a Japanese company that doesn't even make pirate games, they make a spinoff game that just totally blows yours out of the line. water. Like, they're not even trying. It's like you're losing a race to a person who's not even

in it. Then you make an entire character that cannot fucking jump or be stealthy. Or you pill for the Singaporean government's booty and only have this mini game to show for it. Pirate yakuos always made in a cave with a box of scrap. It's built like a hot dog. It's just the assholes and elbows of all the other yakuas of games made probably about a goddamn year. And yet their weakest minigame is fucking golf. That's right, an entire goddamn sport, a sport that I lost an entire evening to, by the way. Listen, we'll get back to the UB.Slop.

I tried to play that one where they do the batting at the explosive things in this game. I could not fucking figure it out. I was so bad at it, I quit. Second, I'm like the John Daly of putt, that's right. I'm severely over back to the UBSlop in a second. I'm like the John. This guy, I watch

a video about this dude. This dude's a fucking legend. Like he is. He is. a fucking legend like yeah all he does is smoke cigarettes drink diet coke and eat candy daily of put put that's right i'm severely overweight and i have a gambling problem what the fuck you're gonna do about it's the shirt just sticking your bowl didn't he beat tiger wugs while he was drunk i think it was even more than that yeah or maybe he was drinking while he was doing the tournament yeah exactly the hungover okay yeah there you go always drunk And that hole is a gentle touch.

I'm telling you, it's way harder to lose this game than it is to win it. Or the trick could be aiming your balls towards the audience and then cranking it as hard as you possibly can. Nice. Or the trick could be aiming on top of the hole than cranking the ball in the opposite direction of the win. Oh. Or the trick could just be not cranking the ball at all. That's what I did. Listen, the point is.

The trick can be whatever you want it to be as long as you have a copy of Premiere Pro. But for now, let's circle back to Ubisoft. I mean, if we're already talking about the mini-games, let's just talk about them, right? I thought I wouldn't enjoy playing bingo until I was old and couldn't get hard anymore. But as it turns out, you don't have to be old. Bingo's actually kind of the bees' knees, pimps.

And even better news, we can beat it using the same trick that we just used on regular golf. Can't get your platform to work with you, brother? It happens to the best of us. The trick here is taking... It's like, dude, this is like Mario Party, but with Japanese gangsters. $50 and heading on down to a whorehouse in Chiwawa. Open.

See, what did I tell you? History is written by the artist with pirated Adobe software. True. Many games in pirate yachts are ranged from being hit by a Honda while delivering someone's little Caesars to bros being guys doing manned things at a heterosexual manner. But if you're in the middle-ins that, the game probably didn't make it out to you guys. So instead, check out explosive baseball.

This is the one I did. And this one, you smack balls and wait to see which one blows up the entire building. This is actually way easier than fucking the rest of their baseball. Oopsie. Yeah, I couldn't figure anything out. Hang on a second. It's just dawned upon me that we haven't actually even reviewed the game yet in this review. Hey, you know what?

If we made it this far, why start now? Damn. This next mini game. This is some shit. The CIA probably used to torture Iraqis, Marty. The type of mini game that fundamentally breaks a man. Wontanamo Bay. The other end, knowing every line in the Bible.

Marty. Has him shitting outside and watching the prices right at two o'clock on a Tuesday, Marty. Has him eating well done steaks and jerking off to softcore, Marty. This ain't the type of rock pot of men come back from Marty. Come on, you little green bastard, you better get in that goddamn hole. You better stay up.

You little piece of shit, you... I remember fucking... I think it was like rich. It was at like some party. And he played one of these crane games and he spent $40.

on it. And I'm pretty sure he got one stuffed animal. And it wasn't even the one he wanted. The worst part about it is like now it would be kind of awkward if I posted the video. But I've made a video of him doing that. And like he was playing this other game and he was like gambling on two machines at the same time at this like random fucking arcade place. It was nuts, man. Post it. There's a lot of, yeah, there's a lot of content you guys never saw.

Yeah. I will say this. A disturbing trend I'm noticed with recent Yakuza entries is that they never give us action players any of those advanced business building minigames and the turn-based players get it. What do you guys think we're stupid or something? You think we're some kind of fools, you bastards?

I'm the goddamn master of minigames. I conquered the one-shot challenge so hard they had me redo the same level over and over so they can marvel at my greatness. Jesus. And you think I'm too stupid to run a jiggle joint. The audacity. You know, you're the fools.

That's what I think. What the fuck kind of a game is that? That takes us back around to Ubisoft, but I just gotta tell you about the Coliseum mini game first. Can I tell you about the Coliseum mini game? I'm waiting to tell you about the Coliseum all day. A lot of people think the Coliseum is just some kind of condensed way to enjoy all the pirate parts of the game. But what we're actually trying to figure out here is what mental illness is the strongest in battle. This is like deadliest warrior.

If instead of Spartans versus Ninjas, it was sociopaths versus chronic depression or bipolar's versus anime. Yes, Kay. Is that you under there, big man? This is great. Yeah, I don't know why they don't make more games like this. He's a gamer? Yes, the guy gets it exactly. You didn't finish the game?

Most games I don't finish on stream. Most games I eventually finish off stream. That's just how I am. Key to surviving the Colosseum, though, is constant drifting. Enemy shooting at your dream. Yep. You need to shoot at the enemy. Dogs, more payments, great.

Everything in line can be fixed. with just a little bit of drifting and also the best crew that is really good possibly get your hands on your crew is gonna be who boards with you fights with you

and ideally the better their rank is the higher their level will be and the more you know what blah blah why there is sharks are spawn is collecting all the box some broads you can get am I right or am I right here's a few ways you do that so you just collect all the hos

and you can have them work on your pirate ship and fight for you first you can demonstrate your value to the chick that runs the door Oh my god What game is this Is this in the pirate yakuza? This is yakuza

I've been looking for this game for years Throwing game Am I wooing you in my proud Man Are your loins tingling Are your loins tingling join my crew please Oh Second you can do the love

Broca side quest Where you assemble a harem for your good Is that Yes, it is Wait That's the fucking chef It's a real guy This is amazing

Oh my Pay them for your good buddy Then quintuptily cuck him at the end Or there's my favorite handing $5,000 to a busty ninja That works at Taco Bell How does that get her to join our crew? Well

It's the implication Now if you're wondering how you get all the dudes Gary Bressor Hall was there I wouldn't know, brother I'm going for a Gaddafi's Guard 2.0 Look here And I got to say Bro, what the

I wouldn't know, brother I'm going for a Look at this God, he's guard 2. Oh my God I need to start playing this game again, guys. I know look here And I got to say I don't regret it

This ship's running like a well-oiled machine 20 hours later It's not what it looks like Listen, these beefcakes are all gold rank Those winches were all silver and point They weren't qualified for the job. The double DEI hires and had half my crew underleveled. If that was a well-oiled machine, it'd be the Delta flight that landed upside down.

You know, and in the end of the day, it's not that they didn't do their job. It's just that an oiled-up guy could have done it better. Don't believe it. True. Well, we'll get back to Ubisoft in a second. Let's bet on it. Because if there's one thing I love more than Busty Ninjas, it's gambling, baby. My therapist came up to me the other day and told me I have a gambling problem.

Uh-oh. You want to bet on it? But I don't fuck with all these Japanese card games, because those make my brain go on mushy life. I don't know what the fuck that is. I tried playing one hand of that Ocho Cabo shit. What the fuck is this? Is this magic to get this, is this, it? This, I think this is actually Yu-Gi-Oh, isn't it?

Just how that went down? What the fuck is going on? What the hell is happening? Is this Yu-Gio? Why did they make me the dealer? How did three of them just win? Oh, all our money is gone. No, Amber, don't leave.

What do you mean our marriage is over? Wow, so get. And that's why I stick to American card games. Specifically poker. No disrespect to Jack Black, but that's just where I test my luck for the night. See, the gods blessed my landlord with his rent money this month. But as soon as I want to make some real fucking money, it's all about high stakes poker. And I'll tell you how I do it.

The first rule of poker is that I always gamble. How is this bullshit game have so many different layers of complexity? This should be illegal. They all do? Yeah, but this is a bullshit spin-off game. I don't know what It's like This is, you know what it's like?

It's like going to an alternate universe Where US game companies didn't go the way they did And I get to imagine what it would be like If we got to play a game like, I don't know, Kill Zone With this level of attention to detail and quality Can you imagine that? That would be crazy I don't even know what to say

at least you can pet the dog in Yakuza I think you can pet the dog wait oh sorry in Yubesaw you can pet the dog in this game too I'm pretty sure I'm like 90% sure you can pet the dog you can feed the dog

there's like a dog loot system that the dog will get items for you there's a dog reputation system there's also the chicken reputation system which is a lot different than the reputation system. Yeah, yeah.

And then there's the tiger. Oh, yeah, I forgot about the tiger. It's not a dog. Yeah, this is insane. This is another case of you being stuck in a wow coma. They have a lot of these mini games for the other yakuzos. Yeah, but like I watch this and then I play something like avowed or a dragon age, like Vail Guard.

And I'm like, how did this happen? Really? Like, how did this? What the hell is going on? a Metal Gear Solid 5. I've got to do the marathon of Metal Gear Solid, man. I think we're going to start.

I'm honestly, I'm going to stop lying. We're just going to start with Metal Gear Solid 3 when it comes out, the remake comes out. We're going to start with that since that's technically the beginning. And then we play the other ones after that. With the house is money. Never with my own. And of course, by the house is money,

I mean my wife's savings account. Next, open up the official poker rule book. Good job. Now fold it shut and remember this moment, Because that'll be the last time you ever fold again. You don't need to read the rules. Reading is for pussies that don't have a Netflix subscription. The only rules you need to know is raise no matter what.

That's right. Calling? Come on. I only call my lone shark when I run out of my queen's money. Drizzle, drizzle. Nine times out of ten, bluffing is all you need to beat your opponents. And all bluffing is betting on a lot.

And lying to others is easy if you first master lying to yourself. Are you following me here? What I'm saying is this. Knowing the rules is just going to make lines. But if you don't know the rules You'll think every hand you have is a winning hand Take this hand for example I don't know what the fuck I'm looking at here

So I raise Then I raise then I raise then I raise again The only thing I don't read These are all mini games inside of a spin-off This is my kids Boom I win 50,000 tips Everyone's in shock My dick's so hard it's tipping the table

As for what happens that other one time out of 10 Where someone doesn't fall for the bluff Because he has a full house or straight Or a one pair or something Well, that's where we lose everything and kid in the parking lot later tonight. That's right, I nab his ass and I start a hostage negotiation with police. I don't know how this is possible. If you do anything stupid, our stifers will riddle you with a hundred bullets.

Oh. I raves. I say make it 110 bullets. They don't know who they're talking to. They fold. They go home. They leave me with a hossies. They're too scared of that expert gambler like me.

Anyway, she's don't overthink this shit. This story, this game funnily enough, starts the same way the kingdom cum deliverance too does. Majima hits his head, forgets his entire past, but where the two games separate their past. Is that after you hit your head And kingdom come, you go Chicks, no, I'm into dudes Oh yeah, because you can be gay In that game and suck dicks

And fuck dudes in the ass, remember that? Pirate Yaku's Amogima decides To become a pirate. Yeah. Yeah. I know my head pretty hard after finishing this game, therefore I... You want to know what's really funny about it

Is that the story from this game is actually better than the story that was in about because I was playing through this game at about the same time that I was playing through a Vaud. And I was really surprised. It's way better. Yeah. And it shouldn't be better.

No, no. I don't say, no, I don't know what to say. Like, kid is less, yeah, the kid's less annoying than the monster under kid. Yeah, that's definitely true. Wait till you play Skyrim? I don't know what to say. I'd say his story is mid, but the kid is. the dialogue is 10 out of 10?

I thought it was really good. So don't remember a goddamn thing about this story. So instead, how about this? Whip your cock out. Come on, don't be shy. Let's go head to head. Cock to cock. And buddy, when this night ends,

you're gonna give me all the cash and your wallet with a big smile on your face. No, and I just fucked you real good. On the racetrack. The cock racing race track. What? Well, all your fools have been playing a vowed. Saints Row and suicides.

Do they, is this a real sport? Cock race? Can they do this in real life? Now, this is something I'd gamble on. This, it, yeah, this could be some good content. I've been honing in my cock racing skills for the last three years. You see that?

I'm rich. You see that? I just lost everything. But that's okay. Because now I'm going to go find a champion cock. One that door's all these little micrococks. And he's going to win me every single race. I hate that fucking thing.

Or he's going to make one hell of a bucket combo. Listen, I gotta go, I've already installed. God forsaken game. Or he's gonna make one hell of a bucket cop. Man. Umbo. Listen, I gotta go. Man.

I've already installed all my monstrous mammary mods. Remember, I'm always two cups ahead. Y'all, get ready, man. Next week is about to be crazy. Oh, man. Wait till y'all see what happens next week, man. Oh, man. Thanks to the flock of Pips for Bankroll in this video.

And another huge thanks to all the pimperers for all the extra booty. Listen, I'll see you. This video is so good. When we piss off everybody that doesn't use a great sword. It doesn't matter. Like, no, no, bro. Like, I, yeah, this, what a video. It's actually crazy.

Because, like, if you look at how well did that game do? Yeah, like, it's still, what's crazy is that it's still maintained a decent player base. I feel like this is one of those games that I wish more people knew about it. 22K has a peak is solid. No, it should be 220K. The game is actually really good. And whenever I compare it to a lot of like average games, like it's actually a game I would recommend. And I would say this is actually a good game and it's worth playing.