Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 10: Chest Sausage

Episode Date: July 23, 2021

Peter listens to Talksport, Bob visits Teesside, plus an energy beast, your questions, a quiz and more. (Rec: 31/10/20) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Goodness gracious past depas and welcome to the occasion. I hope today finds you relaxed and calm as you scroll through your TV menus looking for the latest episode of storage hunters. Imagine if you can that you are perusing the latest flat screen smart TV's in your local Curry's PC world. Your heart is saying go 80 inch but your head is saying stick with a 42. You arrive in front of a Samsung 65 inch, it seems like a reasonable compromise and has a 5 star rating from what fucking massive TV. You pick up the remote and try to assess the usability of the interface. Suddenly you feel a damp hand on your shoulder and the width of yeasty tinned macro breath around your neck. Oh,

said you're funny about with the remote, you little fat clown. If you've got any questions, get on the port on Google. It is of course my co-host, Mr Andrew Dors. Oh Mr. Norband. Face like a chicken portion. Bought his kids at the Norband. Oh Mr. Dorsen. Yeah, so there it is Andrew. Kids at the Nocturn. Oh Mr. Dawson.

Yeah, so there it is Andrew. But what is kids at an auction? Oh, it's kids at an auction. I see you've got a tin of cold star books coffee or something. Is it foifey coffee? I think you might foifey. What, foifey coffee? Yeah, I adore foifey coffee.

It's a double shot espresso and it's designed just to give me a little bit of a lift as I endure this ordeal once again with your good self. You're usually just rely on side, I don't know, what's changed there? Well it's before the mid-ear, isn't it? Will you be watching around about nine hours of football this weekend, Andy? I'm kind of out, I've had enough of football. Do you know what I mean? I've just lost interest in it. I can't be asked. And Sunland's an equal. That's depressing. Can you pair for your Sunland matches? Yeah. Can you watch them on? Yeah. Yeah, it's 10th on the go. Do you pair for Burrow? Yeah, 10 quays. Will you be doing it this afternoon? Yeah, I will.

I've got a ginger, ginger, ginger, more, we're... Ginger, more, we're... Not a bad little ground ginger, I like it to chillin' you more, we're. Jilling you more, we're. Not a bad little ground, Jilling, I like it. Look, have you ever eaten a crab apple, Andy, or do you just throw them at a passing Laurie or a pot in Sheddersome? I've done both in me time. You've eaten a crab apple. Of course you have, it's like when you're a kid,

you eat anything, don't you, just to say what it's like. I've eaten crab apples, I've eaten soil, I've probably eaten half a worm. But that was then, I've moved on since then I've matured. Have you ever eaten a snake or a crow? No, I've never eaten a snake or a crow. I've never eaten like a mord kill. I've eaten fresh stuff like worms.

Have you eaten the worms? Well, there wasn't eaten a worm when there were kids. You must have eaten a worm. Middle's a Sunland for you. Do you ever just talking about things? I was on a beach either day and I throw a pebble, yeah. Right. And I thought to myself, is it possible to arrive on a pebbly beach and not throw a pebble? Is that actually possible, do you reckon? Unless you've got no arms. Oh, well, no, thank you. Let's not go there.

If you're after you probably just hoof one instead wouldn't you. Yeah. Ask someone to put it in your mouth to get gobb it out. Do you have a favourite beach? A favourite beach. I like say burnt beach and you're alright live, it's lovely. Decent beach. A lovely bit of beach yeah. I was up at Roca Beach you know up near opening a sundown last week. And yeah, it was interesting listening to the macoms on the beach, like... Oh yeah, I remember what they said, I'll tell you what they said. Thank you. Al Kalam, Kalam, put that down.

We do not collect junk, when it is gritty, that is only good for ground and your father is in home for six months. But man, I didn't know any other thing that passed the time. This beach is useless. Well, why I didn't get to take the alceasian wood of the pram and then I have a play in its piss pools. I can't get any more piss on my fate, man, because it stinks waferrookers. Look, I showed up, Kalam. I'm because it stings waferucus look like a short

op column I'm trying to refill muwavip you'll think more of that verb than me man I you got that right now fuck off into the sea and get your tracking cleaned off where is that man it's not gonna brought for the special forces now get out of that sight. Oh, and through the bends, not me in the waves. Whilst you're out there frulling in. I will do, ma'am. So that was that happened on the Rockabirds?

That sounds authentic, yeah, I believe you. I tell you what, Andrew, I've had a communication from Peter Beardsley. Wow. I'm interested. Of course, I'm interested, I'm always interested. Let's see what he's been up to. All right. Oh, like, Bob.

Just thought I give you a little catcher. You know, a little catchy, catchy catcher. So I'm sat outside the house at the moment and in my car like, you know, I just thought there were little packet of three plate tissues and I have separated the plate on five of the tissues to give me 15 very very thin tissues. It reminds me very much of self-sacrification in the human body, especially in that period after the egg has been found. So it's raining a bit, you know, my legs spitting, spitting, you know, but quite a bit of condensation build up the current. Mainly,

I can't remember, I've been humming the theme tune too, Emadale fan for last couple of hours, you know. And I also had a lovely warm chicken wrap. A lovely chicken wrap, me, especially inside a vehicle, you know, because the vapors from the lovely, lovely lovely chicken get chopped all around you and they even nice chicken and you get any flare on your puff puff as you add it to your. I tell you what, Bob, shall we put

talk spot on the internet? Have a quick listen, a quick listen to Jim White show, you know, why not? I'm quite a little bit of a gym white show, you know, I'm not. Well, I asked to be said and I'm definitely the one to say it, that I've just found out through my connections the most incredible game, changing mind-blowing information that is going to change everything we've ever held dear and literally turn our culture upside down on its head. Listen up and listen hard. The groundsman at the Emirates has added an extra 5% calcium carbonate to his line-painting machine

for this week's open-coming Europa League tie. What is happening to the game that we all love? Simon Jordan, can you even get your head around this? No, you should tantamount then. It's tantamount and by its essence more or less approach to your complete power dances. In the invisible prison through which review and appreciate what is the endeavour or pursuit of the game, which tutently and erroneously consider to have some remaining soups on of integrity. Ah, that is Simon, that is. I can't emphasize what an extraordinary and some might say unprecedented development is.

I mean Kelsey, I'm carbonate, I ask you what next for a beautiful game? I can actually feel the valve at the base of my bladder pulsating and allowing small amounts of UV to drip through to my urethra. Quite incredible, back after these messages. Ding dong merrily on high, the internet is singing. Christmas is miles away, but you don't need to travel miles if you want a new car. Ding dong merrily on high, we part exchange and deliver. Carrels sing as there are pain in the butt. But when we deliver your used car in our van, it will be like Santa as arrived early. Ding dong merrily on high.

All cars are checked for defects. Hip the car to... If the car turns out to be a lump of Todd, you can hire a van and send it back to our head office in the fairer while. Ding Dong Merleon High, peace of mind with the 12-day warranty. Our cars are guaranteed to be a similar spec and colour to the car you ordered. Have a used car party when you buy from O'Flaati.

Ding Dong Merleon High, have a fly hearty, use car party. I mean Simon, what does this mean for the humble supporter like you and me? It's a disaster, German. Insofar, until the extent that it affects or has influence upon the internal measurements or distances. I'll turn that off, Bob. It's a little bit bitter, you know, shout it for me like you know. I must admit that you can't come to the sound station. Oh shit, it comes away better when the window down.

Alright, love, everything okay? No, it's F*** a not your giri, F*** and clown. What you don't sat out here in the car like a fucking spying midnight creamer. I would have done a little stir about you know and set late in some tissues. You haven't had Tommy thank you little pear that. No I was you. I don't know. You could bet to touch that little maggot pup. I hate how it rests on top of your one good bollock,

like a spooky stone. Anyway, so where am I for? And mid-morning porches, you lazy, for a dial. Oh, I was not sure. Just formulate the new method of porches, you know. Give them more of a mid-morning feel. Oh, hello, Mrs. Jackie McMannus. How was it going? Hello Peter. Hello Carol. What you doing sat in the car Peter?

I was just separating some tissues to see. Peter was just working on a new method of portion next Jackie. He finds you think's best in the car. And I assure you he was not having a four-one wang. Did you hear about the breaking atin at Mr. Kevin Peacock's house? Terrible business. They even stole his Alcessia doodle puppy. What's an Alcessia doodle?

You know, a cross between an Alcessia and a poodle. Some people call them a poo session. All right, badly, outtellable. Is this a? No, it is. Alright, badly, out tenable. It makes you scared. We even sleep at night. Some people really have hokans gone bags. Now, if you don't mind, Mrs. Jackie Muckmanes, I really must get out of this rain. And Peter, this new method of porching, had better ensure their cook-up I'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ymwch chi'n gweithio'r ywybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod. A'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a'r gwybod, a I, my son wanted some advice like you know when he was going out with me again. I said listen if you scared of the dead just remember there are only big reasons. Oh, that guy really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really,. Yeah, it's been a good time and Jordan, they're very much the Russel Brand of Foucault Analysis. So we've had some questions from the past,

the past, the past numbers. We have. Tim Halliday. Tim Halliday, nice question. He's asked, can I have December the fourth off? Yeah. Right. And sorry Tim, but no, but I will pay you time and a half.

Um, I, I'm not going to say no, I'd like to know what the reason is. No, it's about us with the reason, but I mean, you know, the some reasons you can have the fourth of December of, but like what? Not just because, well, I don't know, like, an important appointment, medical appointment. Let's not dwell on it. It's private. I'm not giving him the deal. James Kilgarif has said, what fish does Andy remand you of if he was a fish? What fish would he be? And fish would I be Bob? Well, it's a fish called a Paulter. Quite one last week. The reason being because

they're inedible. Okay, you look at me. You're someone who is inedible. Yeah. Quite, um, grisly almost. You grisly after your meat. You're going to be sweet, it's all lined with fat in it. Well, they go in that edible. You're already considering eating me. I consider eating you every day, I don't know. I've got one here from Chris Phillips.

He says, Andy, if you had to punch your horse, if you had to, how quickly could you do it from where you are right now? Oh, that's interesting. Isn't it? I reckon, I'm not sure about there's some farms about five minute, ten minute drive from where I am, so I could get to a farm that's probably got horses on. Again, not 100% sure, I could get into the field quite quickly if I was running. I'd need a couple of minutes to plug up the courage because I don't want a puncher horse, but Chris says if you're Hato, so I'd be kind of like I don't want to do it and it would be like a glanson blow, it wouldn't be a full-on punch.

A farm near Sunland. Yeah, a farm in Sunland. What is this farm like, some sort of doctor? A hardship farm. Oh it's where you all buy your horseship from. We just do produce horseship, yeah? Yeah. Martin Hughes wants to know whether we prefer tuna, tin tuner and brine or in spring water. I'm quite adamant about this. I like the salty goodness of the brine, you know?

It puts a slight sheen on the meat, Andrew. I was thinking about this, I like the salty goodness of the brine, you know. It puts a slight sheen on the meat, Andrew. I was thinking about this this very morning, because I was looking as the buying some and I bought some in brine, so there's your answer. There's your answer, yeah. Michael Routledge asks where, I want to ask Patrick Bamford, where the best foifey coffee is available from.

Okay. So I did phone him up and get an answer. Okay. The best fo best fluffy coffee comes from Costa Fofi in the Cotsworld. It's the facking buff. Well there you go that's that's answer. Very nice. That's the question. We'll have a bit maybe a couple more bit later on. Um, would you like a quiz? Robert. Yeah, go on, give us a quiz. Yeah, go on, give us a quiz. Now I've got a quiz for you. it's in that form that you did all right fucking hell it's in that form that you did recently where

you read out a list of words and two of them all right true or whatever you know I mean it's Brazilian footballers names okay I'm gonna read out seven of them thank you and five of them are real two of them are not so I'll think while I'm seeing them. Yeah I'll read them out twice if I need to. Here we go. Muriel. Bill. Who what was that car? I hear them properly. Phil. Bill. Bill, okay. Bill. Bill, okay. Exeter. Marlon Brandau. Genesis. John Lennon. Piano. I'll read those ones more for you. I think I know what you're real. Muriel is not true. Bill Exeter. Marlon Brandau. Genesis.

John Lennon. Piano. Muriel and Exeter are my selected names that are not true. You reckon Muriel and Exeter, you got one right Bob! Now I'm pretty happy with that. Exeter was made up as was Piano. All the rest are genuine Brazilian footballing names. Very nice quiz, I enjoyed it very much. Thank you very much, I enjoyed compiling it for you Bob. I forgot to give you a choice of names at the start. Oh well that's a good now go on.

Might be too late. Alright you can be Cox Osmond. Yeah. He's a DUSTRY cyclist. He'll collect the contents of your vacuum cleaner and turn it into a CD cleaning cloth while you wait. He's not having my dust to know thank you. Alright okay. cloth while you wait. He's not having my dust to know thank you. Right okay, that you can

be the serial thriller. He's a one man short, a dust stunt with breakfast serials and the grand finale is that he booties we out of a giant sugar puff made out of wood. Obviously interested, is that it? Thought he might be. Finally Michael Shitlips. He's never been kissed and what's more, he doesn't want to be. Or you can be honky tongue. I'd like to be Michael Shitlips, please. Michael Shitlips, you are there. Thank you, thank you very much for that. So like I said, I was up in Middlesbrough doing a bit of fishing,

seeing some old mates and not like. That's nice. That's a nice place to say you're all, did they just like indulge you? All right, we all never know. Will I presume the best for people? But seeing some... Do you wonder? Obviously, I adult, yeah. I'm like, I'll never know. Will I presume the best for people? But seeing some... Do you wonder? I obviously wonder, yeah.

It's a nice thing to say Andy old mates, isn't it? Nice thing to say, you're old mates. I haven't done it for a while and I'd seen any old mates for months. I was staying at like a big country house, you know. That's what I am. That's been converted into a hotel. But of course it was more or less empty because of the Covid's like. The current circumstances, yeah. So I had a couple of drinks on me on the bar, then went to me room and I had a good size room, I'm

in, you know what I mean, I don't mess about it. A man of means, right? Well renowned. Every now and I had an ad date and a join in door, so if there's one next to it, but if you'd got that as well, you'd have like had the old floor, you know what I mean? Blimey. And there was a lot of chatter in the other room. You know, like a meeting was going on

or a family gathering or something. So it came time for me to go to bed and I couldn't sleep because of all this chitchat. So I put my headphones on, listen to late night alternative with Ian Lane, Catherine Boyle, you know, So I put my headphones on, listen to late night alternative with Ian Lane, Catherine Boyle, you know, which is what I do overnight. Well eventually I did drift off to sleep because I sort of half woke up

and I became aware that there was like about five shadowy figures standing around me bed. And I could smell bleach and hot dogs sausages. Uh-oh. Then I had a voice in my ear. Robert? Robert. Wake up Robert.

It's me Robert, the alderman. Alderman pears in Robert. And he turned on me bedside lamp. I mean, I could see that it, I could see the town clerk. Yeah, the vicar with the twitch, had the social services in the town planner. All stood around me bed. Yeah.

I went, oh, get to work, Andy I went to sit up but I couldn't raise myself my hands have been tied to the bed stead, yeah? You using an HDMI cable and the belt from me complimentary dressing gown You know, do you steal things from door to what do you take from hotel rooms? I just take those little tubs of condensed milk that I sometimes bring you when we're in a studio. I don't stay in places where there's anything you can nick. You don't get shampoos or soaps and things. Oh god no, not.

You get a little plastic sachet thing full of a little bar soap in it, but... You wouldn't nick that. Some of them don't even give you that anymore. It's the hand pump on the wall. Do you know the, I mean, I could pump some soap out and then put it in the me pocket. But I'm at some point.

You could bag it up, putting the crisp back, because you, well, I mean, is it worth it? Well, so, you know, there's little slippers you get. There's little cheap slippers. Oh, guys, I'm talking to the wrong person. Anyway, so there are, so, I said, I said, hold on, what's happening, what's going on? I don't, you know, I don't like this.

He stared at me for a while, Andrew, right? And then he got a whole hot dog sausage, put it in his mouth and just pressed it in and swallowed it in one. Blimey. No, no. Shall I tell you what I don't like, Robert? I don't like it when you visit the area Robert

without contacting me Robert. It seems very rude to me Robert, don't you think Robert? I'm sorry I've been really busy and I promise I was going to get in touch tomorrow. Is that so Robert? And prayer tell me, were you going to suggest that we meet up Robert? Yeah definitely, yeah course. Yeah definitely. Oh well how for to it is Robert that I'm here now. Saved you a phone call hasn't it Robert? Untie him. At this point the vicar with the twitch crawled round the bed on all fours and undid the ties and then he quickly licked my face before scurrying off back to the other

end of the bed. The older man then undid his dressing down and let it fall to the floor, right? So he was naked apart from his red and custed yellow cowboy boots, right? Yeah. I've just had a sausage, Robert. Would you like one, Robert? Well, Andy, you know, I was a bit peckish because the hotel wasn't serving food so I mean I said yeah you know I said yes I would. Good lad Robert, pass me a plum rose geith, the viti with a twitch scurried round to the old man on all fours, gave him a plum rose up dog sausage, quickly licked me first and then he scurried off again and the old man untied me, shift over Robert and let me in the bed Robert. As he was getting in beside me, I felt the doofere being pulled slowly off the bed by the town clerk so I'm lured there, Starras,

the clerk says, you're going to be warm enough in a minute lad, you won't be needing this. The old man lured out next to me and began to thread the hot dog sausage through the mass of thick black and gray hair on his chest right? Right there you go Robert talking. You know I mean I couldn't resist it and I began to nuzzle into his chest hair and nibble on the sausage you know. I kept getting loose hairs in my mouth and I had to spit them out but it was did taste nice. Then the aldermen started to fart, right? And the room began to fill like with a subtle meat and onion sort of fragrance. Then the town clerk and the town plan started farting, sort of adding chlorine and pork notes to the perfume.

Was the smell like horrible but also like quite alluring? I couldn't, yeah I wanted, I didn't want it but I wanted more, you know. Yeah, yeah. It was really heady mix like, and when I'd licked and nibbled up all of the sausage, I thanked the older one, and I said right, well, I'll go and I better up all of the sausage, I thanked the old man and I said right Well, I'll go and I better get off back to sleep. He said, haven't you forgotten something Robert? I didn't know what he meant. I said, haven't you forgot something Robert? I

Didn't know he meant but then the other started to chant out the out and the kiss the old man kiss the old man kiss the old man Well, I don't know, Andy, what was you have done? Like the air was thick with meat and bleach and onion. I couldn't have stopped myself from kissing him. His massive chest was glistening the pork juices and saliva. And his cowboy boots were a really jaunty angle. So I went for it. And just as our lips met, he forced my mouth wide open with his lips

and regurgitated a whole hot dog sausage down my throat. I was too stunted to speak like and as he got up and just left the room with his mates as you can imagine Andy I slept like a log after that. I bet you did. God. So that's an unusual story, isn't it Andy? It is isn't it? That's quite a party trick from a measure. We'll do it just to get them to our sausage. Hooroo!

Oh, hello! It's Guru! Hello, Guru! Hooroo! Guru is near you. Do not be alone. Thank you, Guru. No, won't be. Hooroo! How Thank you, go and know, won't be. Uhhh... How are you, Robert? Are you all internal energy wheels or spinning smoothly?

Yeah, I think so. Have you been oiling them regularly? Well, I'm not sure how I would do that, go, Robert. We both know that you do now, don't we? My psychic receptors have been picking up your nighttime activity, Robert. All right. But moving on from that, we have a proposition for you, Robert. I am here today to offer you your very own personal energy beast.

Energy beast, I don't understand what's that. It's very simple. It's a nine foot high, genetically modified reptile. It fits onto the outside of your house and gently vibrates, non-stop around the clock. You can wire it up to a battery and it'll provide you with all of your electricity, clean and fresh and free and... It's an actual reptile girl, like a living creature. I don't know whether I need one of them.

Oh, what you do, I'm telling you that you do. Here's the best big robot. Ask me what the energy be steets. Okay, what does the energy be steets? No. Oh, that's not too bad then. It's such quite a bitch, but you could use that as compost or just bag it up and burn it on your driveway. No, I tell you, you know what, it's not for me, thanks guru.

Well, it's such a lot actually, does that help? No, that makes it worse, to be honest. Hmm, I'll tell you what, I'll come round and install it on the front of your house for six months' trial basis. No, I don't want it, Guru. When will you be out? I'm not going out, I'm staying in all the time. My brother-in-law, Huey, has got a van.

We'll bring it round and attach it to your wall in the middle of the night. No, I don't want you to do that guru. The guru is fading now, fading slowly, we'll bring his round on Tuesday night. No guru, fading, fading, gone. Andy the guru is just here. He's gonna fix a frickin big reptile to me else next Tuesday. Well just see you don't want it. I've tried to and I don't want it. Just go with it it might be good. It's shit's a lot. It's shit's a lot. Yeah. Well it's something different in it. See you around sometime. Bye everyone. Thank you.