Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 3: Cider Monkeys

Episode Date: August 27, 2020

Best bits of the fifth Athletico Parsnips… Crime Files visits Leeds, Martin visits a new home, we call into Slaughters, and answer some Parsnippers’ questions. (Recorded 19/08/2019) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're ready Andrew! I am ready! So podge, how we start? It's a man. Hello past nips people and welcome to the episode. I hope you're in fine spirits and enjoying good health. I thought you might like me to paint a picture of the scene here at past nips headquarters. It's 10 a.m. in the morning, I'm in a basement in London, so-ho. The studio room is about 10x6. If you were to visit Sheds Online, you could buy a similar size timber shed, knock you back about 469 quid

But of course it would be us forever if properly maintained After a short sound check to establish correct levels, I lay back on the padded bench and wash all my thoughts of the show out of my mind And then suddenly I'm hit by the accrued smell of sweat and chicken I open my eyes to see a topless man scrubbing furiously as tits with the ballin the wipe. It's my co-host, Mr Andrew Dawson. Good morning. Good morning, Andrew.

He he he. And a song. Oh, Mr Dawson. Just watch the sweat run. Mr Dawson. It's Mr Dawson. It's Mr Dawson. It's Mr Dawson.

It's Mr Dawson. He's been on the bread buns. Mr. Dawson. Oh, Mr. Dawson. He invites the hot sun. Mr. Dawson. Because that's when the sweat comes. Mr. Dawson. It's Andrew Dawson.

Andrew Dawson. There you are. Do you enjoy that? I did, because I did. I got quite in there, that was lovely. Well, that's to be doing a past nips. Is this a past nips, is it? Yeah, let's call it past nips.

All right. I don't know if this is going to be a mincept episode or a past nips episode. Let's call it past nips. I'll feel a little bit rough, Veg, you know what I mean. But is it a mincept episode? It's a past nips version of the minst. Okay, I don't know what's happening, but yeah. Oh, I can't even know how to make it more clear. This is a theoretical parsnips.

Right. Okay. It's just that last time we did that song in the mincep episode and I didn't know what was... I'm going to do it at the start every week now until I see... In every form of the podcast, in every episode forever. Until I can see that on your face that it's no longer causing you pain.

It's always going to be some kind of pain there. Can I get a little quiz, Andrew? Have you got one for me? I've got two types of quiz. We're doing two types of episodes. All right, well, I'll tell you what. This one is Eurohike pop-boying. Yeah? Yeah.

Van Gogh. You're not going to get that banana while we're recording. Alright, I will eat the banana. The banana. The hell on when, last time you ate something during the fucking podcast. Yeah. Listen up. It's Crash-boying-tent. Yeah? Pap-dong-pfff-pfff-pfff-pfff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff-pff- 10th yeah pop Don't Camping stove sleeping bag give me just a little more time

Yeah, right we're now tried to correct the complaints about that as well I thought Andrew it's summer and all that and we you might occasionally visit blacks You know and get you some camping out door. I've already got me camping gear. Okay, will you smite me a good one for you? In the Atlequin opened. All right, well, this is tent. It's a bear sex.

I thought cheapest tent at blacks, cheaper sleeping bag at blacks and cheapest single burner gas camping stove. Let's have them in order of price. That's tent bag stove. I think the most expensive will be the sleeping bag and then the stove and weirdly the tent will be the cheapest because you can get one of them pop up things that are fucking useless for like three. Boom bag a bag, yes I know. It's me who's happy.

You completely reversed it. Cheapest is the Eurohike 250 sleeping bag. 11 pounds, Van Gogh single burn, the 20 pounds Eurohike pop to 102 man pop up, 10, 25 quid. It was 10, 25 quid, I would have gone for nine quid. There was one cheaper, but no, no, no, but it was like, it was like a shelter, it wasn't officially approved

for overnight sleeping, you know what I mean. What was it for then? I suppose just to shelter you for a protest or queuing for Rod Stewart tickets, something like that. Oh man, all right fair enough. Can I tell you a fishing story, Andy? I'll go on then. The story. Okay. All right, I'll go on then. The story.

Okay. All right. I'll stop you half way through, see you know where it's going, yeah. I was in Norfolk, we in Paul were in Norfolk, right? Had a lovely day of fishing, caught a couple of barbellies. So after the day we went to the pub and we each had a pint of bitter local beer.

You allowed that? Yep, okay. Alcohol's okay for it for your art. We didn't say much, you know, to be honest with you, Andy. Sikivature, though? No, we were so content, beautiful pint, I'll never forget it.

Anyway, one point poll gets up, goes to the toilet, right? And on this way, why are you giggling about? And on this way back, I see him staring at the floor in the middle of the room for a bit. We're like, I'm gonna call it a curious look on his face., I see him staring at the floor in the middle of the room for a bit. Yeah. We're like, I'm going to call it a curious look on his face. Okay.

Question and curious look. And he sat down and he announced to me that there's a glass panel in the middle of the floor, you know, and there's a horse his head under it. Is he hallucinating? Well, what's going on? I don't know what's in the bit. What's in the bit? I don't believe him. So, so I go straight up over there

and look for myself and sure enough, that this is true, I promise you. Everything you see is true, Bob. It's a horse head. The very horse's head. Yeah. Under a glass panel. You know, you can walk over it kind of thing.

Yeah. There's a local at the bar. Yeah.'t noticed it in a bit of an old fashioned country tramp style and he comes over and introduces to himself and he says he's called Panda. Panda, you know, like the Cuddly Bear. You're a bit like a panda. Well, I kind of, a bit greasier. No, but you're more like a panda than any of the other bears. You're not like a magnificent grizzly like me. No, I'm not like that. I'm not like one of them little baby bears.

Well, that's why I think- I actually ride. You know you are, you're the middle bear who didn't get no parry. The middle bear. The middle bear. So we asked him why he was called Panda. Panda, yeah? And he said because he's difficult to breed with. So it's not fair enough and it's

aligned, obviously, you obviously got a GS OH under, yeah. That is weird conversation. So we ask him about the horse and he looks at us like we're taking the piss, he says, no, what are you on about that kind of thing? You know what we're talking about kind of approach to life, yeah? And so we take him over to the spot, right? And there is nothing there. There is no break in the carpet, nothing. Well, Paul even got down and it's like scratched. Not in a magic outfit.

Yeah. Panda goes and sits back at the bar, seems a bit pissed off with us. So we sit back down, Panda leaves. And as he passes us, he winks as. What should we leave? Yeah. What do you think this story's going? I'm assuming South Africa for the day.

That's what you want me to think. So I'm not bothered. I'll just sit a little bit about half an hour later. Right, the pubs are a bit fuller. The people stood about chatting, drinking. And I have to go to the bog again, because of me prostrating. Yeah, the situations.

And I can't help but look down at the carpet where I saw the horse's head. And Andy, me heart skipped a beat, as I see, that the glass panel has reappeared. Yeah. And I look beneath it. And it's no longer a horse's head. Is it panda?

It's panda, staring lifelessly openly. And that happened Why I thought that was important important thing to tell you told me this wife you not going to the police Or at least the landlord. Oh, yeah, like the police have the police had given me short shrift wouldn't they well? I'll give you a short shrift as well So you know, it's the police's job drop mine So then what happened? That's it. I just I just I just written off I'll call it I am I start you could be a new thread on past Nick. No foot tales. Yeah. You like the sound of

that I do. You want to sing some stately Dan? Well what you want to say? The fine Colombian make tonight a wonderful thing. I don't understand that one. Well, if you do think of one you want to sing. Okay. Do you want some names to choose from? Gordon, like that, like... Just the pumpers. Yeah. He's the heir to the Nuppe factory.

Yeah. Lonely Gordon. Lonely man. Just really lonely. Yeah, and Kenny Mortart. Now Kenny Mortart is Mortart great great great grandson. He's got the ownership of Mortart.com. Can't be asked to do anything with it. I'm going to be the first one was it Jasper Pampers. Jasper Pampers. I like Jasper Pampers.

Wow, he shows the name for once. I could imagine him striding into a party room like a cop. Yeah, so look Jasper Caspers is in Jasper Pampers has arrived. Just for Pimpas. Wow, he shows the name for once. I could imagine him striding into a party room like a cop. Yeah. So in that little... Oh, look, just for Casper's isn't. Just for Pimpas's is arrived. Just for Pimpas's is here. Now the party's gonna kick in. Do you want to stroke me?

Gini Pig. Let's just stare on the table. No, because there's no Gini Pig. Go on, let's give it a little stroke. Ha ha ha. There's no Gini Pig there, Gini Pig. Oh, well done, you. Let's whack with some Marrowie. you.

Yeah, I tapped it and it was in, you know, visiting the homes of celebrity footballers and this week it was ex manager Ian Holloway. Yeah. Manager Ian all the way yeah Hello welcome to damn at the home of x blackpool and qpr football management man Ian all the way and I must Dead mate. I'm a bit surprised by what to see. Let me describe it to you It's what looks like a former stable, attractive shed. It's all the little overgrown and the windows are covered by what can only be described as Aldi, Carrier Bugs. They're a huge side of barrels everywhere, which is a bit unusual, but I'll tell you how to like it.

What you got won your, you thieving blow off. Ha ha. It's me, my auntie, from homes under the hammer. We arranged to see you home. Oh, are you remember, come on in, I'll make you shop for home. You want a jug of cider and a muggy book? No, I'm alright, thanks.

I see you're not wearing any trousers in Ian. Just a short baggy shirt or a smock. Is that your look? It's unusual, but I like it. Well, you must have left them in a ditch last night on the way home from the tractor rally. I needed a dump and I got caught sure. Would you like some Branson? I'm alright, thanks. So it's just the one room. You've got to think, oh, maybe it's a trough more like in the corner. A lot of struts, drool about in a lot of fermentation battles. Where do you sleep? I never sleep when I'm alone. That's when they get you. Who gets you? What's your name about, Ian? The

cider monkeys. They come at night and steal your cider and some say if they see an opening they will give you a bummin. What unusual? I might say irrational fear. So he said a kitchen. I only eat cold tin food when I am in here. If I'm out in a boat I might have a nice pub lunch. I like crab very much and I like sausages. What about a hot drink like to your coffee? I'm a feather, it's a nice creamy hot chocolate. I'll stick the soda thanks. It helps keeps my mind away from the monkeys. One last thing Ian, why have you covered over your windows with carrier bags? I'm not saying I don't like it, but it is a bit unusual to reflect the light on my beautiful legs, so I look like the dApple kind of real-world. Fair enough, you do have lovely legs. Well thank you for having me Ian and good luck. Fuck off.

Well did you say noppen? That's what I recorded. I recorded that one. Yeah you had to figure it over the record but when that came on very good. Thank you. Hey so Annie I was up near Ali Ali Patali in North London last Thursday. Oh, yeah. I actually just went up so I could pop into sloters because I knew Adrian, Adrian Lewis Darts player would be in there. Yeah, usually his there isn't he, yeah. Yeah, so he's regular there.

You see, he's had a falling out with Baron Crags, right? And Ron is aware doing community service on Thursday. Oh, right. It's been a bit of a while. So I snuck in. Tiff as the. Yeah. Got a terrible, and listen to In on Adrian and the way, like I always do, you know what I mean? This is how it went.

Could do it that you once again, sir, and welcome to this, the hanging gardens of Grizzly Fook. Oh, what have you got in that dirty, dirty cookery hole for me today? Well, for Starless, we have a triple bullied, Ruad-Kel-Pla-Lah. Oh, Ruad-Kel-Raw. Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck me, I can feel the lengthy squirt coming on already. Is it garnished with anything? Of course it's fucking nut. You can glance at a photo of a leaf if you start a feel on usual law.

I ride a safety net, I a safety net I like it. Well, we don't want to slip in and know I'm meat-cormor-do-y. This is why I keep coming back now what else have you got? You might like to try a burst-starter survey. What the fuck is that when it's a tone? A massive ball of ox dripping, sir. Ohhh! Fuck right off you you crafty bastard.

No, you fuck off. How do I consume said ox ball of a fork? No, you just sit up shit, nice trip back, and I fire it in your face with a pop gun. Oh, one can I get it doused in raw gravy first? Start bus that request under the chef for you to at. Right, let's get on to the mains. Right, well, we've got hand-leazard osprey, a corp-men-eat by a tiny bungalow made from oven-shrunk dynasurfethers.

Oh, yes, that's the meal of a powerful man who does not give a fork about any of the consequences. Put that in me and I'll stride around like the d-ar-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r- like the dar-round the dad circuit like a Japanese emperor. With all you could say, and this is a ripe wood heap of unwanted fuck. Panwan could hamster dad's, dished up with a tiny heap of posh food. Fuck that's edgy hamsters. That's a bit near the knuckle you've all gonna ask all. Sir, fucking, sorry about that. If it's any consolation sir, the hamsters were all nubbets. Alright, I'll go on and go on and plate it up and I can write a blog about it tonight after I've slept on it. I believe in you sir, I really fucking do.

Oh thank you. How about a dessert? What have you got that'll drench this mannappy that I'm sporting? Perhaps sir would like to chance his arm with a pack of ten edible cigarettes, their fashion from cured chimpanzees, finkters, and stuff with pulped lematith. Forkadoodle do it and they are can see myself struggling to expel those bastards for the next month. Anything to go with it at all, sir? Yes, just the usual tanker to have hot meat juice and a side dish of trotters you magnificent, fucker. Very good sir. I'll bring a bison's car bladder for you, send burn it to a tack as well. And get a fucking fart on before I start ingesting this

nappy. And that, Andrew, was it? That was much better. To slaughter's lovely stuff. Did you enjoy it? I did. It looks like it's gone a little bit from it from enjoying it. I suppose there will be consequences of you doing that voice. Probably one day down the line yet. Maybe I'll just grow old with a kind of a sexy We've got Barry's body anyway already. Very good. Hey, we've had some questions from the past, and it was coming. Alright, I thought you had a look at them. I have one. We'll just do them on the hoof, it'll be alright. Adam says, the new LG Signature Fridge freezer is £6,000.

As it's merely full of chicken that was in blue drink, is it worth it? I can't see how any fridge goes. £6,000. £6,000. I mean, the only thing I would say is, you know, when you see movies, like Girl on the Train or Summit, and they have those lovely big American houses,

that kind of thing, and they have their massive fridges. If it's massive, yeah, but 6 grand. I mean, absolutely, Andrew, but you know, like, what if it is like 15 foot wide or something? You could like get in it, like a walking, like a walking wardrobe, but fridge, that'd be something, wouldn't it? I'd like that, yeah. Peas at the bottom, corncubs at the top. Here I am, stuck in the fridge freezer with you. I'd have to have a look at it. I can't just say it from the MSN, it's 6 grand. It's difficult, it's very, very difficult to think of a justification in it. The question here, I think it's from someone called Steve McLearen.

And it's for Harry Kane. When did he first realise how powerful his magic chin was and what steps does he take to protect it? So I've got Harry here with me. Harry, did you hear that, Harry? Yeah, I did, you're all, you're the dead. Come over here. I got noticed of something. Get nearer to the mic, magic chin on that, yeah. I first realized, my chin was magic

when I was a baby, when I dribbled baby food on my chin and it would start to bubble and curdle and form itself into a tiny shard of glass with the reflection of a criminal on it. The police would use these reflections to catch the baddies, like all magic things, the best way to protect it is to rub it with the tea pots. Oh well thank you, are you? No, what a vase. Are you good today, Arry? I'll be bet you're not fluffy, but actually. Why is that then? I don't fucking know. Is he gonna leave or is he gonna sit there on the code of the rest of the episode? Oh, you can stir if you want, Arry. Yeah, you can talk to him. It looks like he is. Grimm Hackney says I was listening to the last

passing episode, walking home from work and at the exact point you were talking about unusual incidents, two flies fell from the sky in front of me onto the path and they were fighting. I watched for 10 seconds, they were definitely not having sex. They were fighting. Does this class as an unusual incident? Fly fight. That's unusual.

That's a very unusual incident. Well done. It reminds me of an unusual incident I had in my past, which I might have told you about before I was walking along High Street West in Sunderland and it was an incredibly windy day and a lot of the lot of high street west along the pedestrianized area there's some quite quite thin trees but high trees right with a little bit of foliage at the top and as I'm walking along the wind blue little bit of foliage at the top. And as I'm walking along, the wind blew, partially decompaused seagull, landed about one foot in front of us. And I almost sort of just stepped

into it, but just stopped at the last minute. Now, if I'd been walking one step further on that there, the dead seagull would have landed on me head. And that's there by Liz, Lars the Rubinit Andy. Yeah. I've enjoyed your story anyway. have enjoyed your story anyway. Thank you, Bob. But if it had hit you, it would have made all the difference. That's why you put on your addendum saying, oh, another foot. So do you not think I've ever partially decomposed a foot in front of you as an unusual incident? I don't think so, no. I don't think so.

What seems more unusual to me that these trees in the center of Sunderland only are fully adrived right at the top So is that because all the Sunderland lads and lasses climb up and know the branches and I think this has become vindictive I don't want to come in further. I've got another unusual incident from me travel Oh god, here we go the flush of the toilet I thought the flush of the toilet went on just a bit too long Would you like the hero and you can judge for yourself? Go on then. What's your reckon? I think that was about three seconds too long. It's about three seconds too long, isn't that unusual? Man, maybe it adds like facial recognition and it's all this group from Sunderland coming

in. I'd better power it up. Not in the travel lodge. Well, we're talking travel lodge. There was a question about the travel lodge as well, which is where I'm finding it is. Now, yes, a question from Joel who says, how do you get the most out of a travel lunch breakfast? I haven't worked out the perfect formula yet. I don't take the travel lunch breakfast anymore. I stay in the travel lunch.

If I'm gonna have breakfast, here's my tip. Go on. Leave the travel lunch, walk another nearest premier in, go in and get the breakfast in there instead. Is it a superior breakfast? Yeah. And they don't ask, you can pay it on the day. Yeah.

I mean, you can pay as part of your booking or you can just turn it on the monitor or I'll have a breakfast. I'll have a breakfast. They don't let you know you're from the travel lodge. So a travel lodge don't even do a breakfast? Well, they do. They do the full English and everything.

But the premiering, the sausage is a better in the premiering. Oh, is that what? That's what counts, I think. I think that you judge a breakfast by the sausage. I think you do. If that's crimping, it will be very itself in the sausage, right? So there we are. That's scrimping. It will be very itself in the sausage, right?

So there we are, that's my tip. I saw there's a question here for the alderman. Oh, why? What does it say? A question for the alderman. What is it about Robert that makes him so irresistible? So I got in touch with the alderman. And that's where you don't get much out of him.

No. And he sent me this message. Robert, I find Robert irresistible and that's really you don't get much out of him. No. And he sent me this message. Um... Robert? I find Robert irresistible because of his superior thighs and epic strants. Thank you. That's it. That's all he would say, yeah. That's enough, like.

It's busy, lad, any? That's enough. I've got a crime club. That's our crime club. Well, are you, are you man in the dirt? I'd love to man the dirt. It is ready steady. Go.

Crime club. Files? Sorry. Crime files. In association with crime club. The Small Yorkshire Village of Herwood is an affluent enclave on the outskirts of Leeds. It's well known for Herwood House, an opulent 18th century mansion with notable

collections of Turner paintings and chippendell furniture. The residents enjoy use of a village pub, a post office, a community calf and a village hall, a splendid place to live and home to many of Leeds most successful people. But this tranquility was shattered like a sugarglass tumbler on the 22nd of February 2019. For local nonsense potter Neil Hunt, this was an important day as he was going on his first date for over for nine years. He had met the lady, Kate Robinson, in an online chatroom dedicated to the craft of Nonsense pottery. They had spoken online most days for the past months, and he had finally plucked up courage to invite her for a romantic meal at the Hairwood Arms. Today was the day, thank you, not so much, today was the day, and Neil was sat in the snug of the The t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t you must be Kate, we meet at last, do take a seat.

Can I get you a drink? They sell them at the bar, you know. There's a menu on the table for you to peruse. It's nice, I mean, isn't this really nice? And you look nice, or can I say that these days, or will I get into trouble with the PC sheriffs? Did you want to drink? They sell them at the bar.

Did I say very sensible arrangement? Don't you think? I certainly do. Kate told him to calm down, an astrogynous tonic. Neil was glad of the opportunity to leave the snog and gather his thoughts. Like Kate said, he needed to calm down. Well, no. I didn't see that coming, I didn't think that was the point

where he'd made that. When Neil returned to the snog, he was disappointed to find that two young men had seated themselves at the other side of the fireplace. It was Leeds footballers, Patrick Bamford and Jack Clark. Their presence was only going to make it more difficult for Neil to act naturally, but he had to give it a go. So Katie, tell me a little bit more about yourself. As you know I'm a local nonsense potter. I specialize in crackled glazes and freeform vars technique. I'm an active member of the local rowing club

though, I don't actually row anymore because my prostrate is the size of a fucking lemon. Excuse my Portuguese. At this moment, he was interrupted by Patrick Bamford. Are you on a date not sense potter? How hilarious! You're hoping to get your grip! I could think of nothing worse than being groked by your rough grubby unkempt hands. That's quite a jive, isn't it Jack? Yes, Master Patrick, you've jabbed him right up there right nicely. Yes, I have. Yes, I haven't had just. He must feel very hurt and embarrassed, but it's his

own fault for swearing in front of a lady. Look, you two just leave us in peace. I don't know who you are, what you want, but I'd rather you left us alone in here. You don't know who I am. I'll have you know, I'm Messer's Patrick Bant for this choir, and I'm right, large dar. Perhaps it's you and your bow that should exit. This man's an ass, don't you think so, Jack? Yes, Master Patrick, he's a right-gragly stomp. Oh, just get out, will you?

The snuggies from a chewer adults who want some intelligent conversation is no place for thickest, shit adolescence. How dare you take that tone with me, you ignorant amass, I have a good mind to rough you up you ignorant bumkin. That's quite a barb I've just delivered, isn't it Jack? Yes Master Patrick, I doubt there's any comeback from that that would suffice to exact revenge. Listen Kate, why don't you go and powder your chest as I deal with this?

Kate did as she asked and Neil was left alone in the snog with his two combatants. But who would prevail? Too soon. I will double up. Ffff! Right! Are you going to leave or not? No, it's you who must leave, or we will thrash you

like a chambermaid who spit the saffron into a ditch. Right, that's it, that's fucking it, let's fucking do this. Neil removed his V-neck and shirt and stood there naked from the waist up facing Bamford. Go on, make a move, make a fucking move, I fucking dare you! At this point Bamford took a step towards Neil and slapped him on the face with the palm of his hand. Take that potter and there's plenty more on offer if you're foolish enough to continue.

I bet that's done him, don't you think so Jack? Yes, Master Bamford, that was quite a blow. There's few could recover from that level of impact. But no sooner had Jack finished speaking, the Neil landed a perfect left hook on Bamford's temple. Ha! Take that you fucking satchel of quickshaith! You fucking show-bony!

Now you and your little ton, buddy! Better get out of here before I fucking wind up another pelter! Jack was knelt down by Bamford, cradling his head in his arms. What have you done? What have you done to Master Patrick? Speak to me, Master Patrick, I beg of you! Indicate that you're unhurt! Bamford opened his eyes and whispered the words. Get David, fetch him quick! Oh shit.

Jack shouted out the name David at the top of his lungs. David David, come and help us David! Master Patrick is down! Master Patrick is down! Within seconds a figure appeared at the doorway of the snug. It was ex-footballer David Batty and he was armed with a shotgun. You'll be causing trouble again young Mr. Patrick. Get him cleaned up Jack, I'll deal with this prick. Who are you? Who the fuck are you? And what business have you all this? This little fracker. I'm David Batty and I fuck out. I'm David Batty and I'm a fucking nightmare. I'm afraid you'd pick the fight with the wrong bloke because I'm charged with looking after him. Why has he gone some a set? I don't know. What's your auction?

Your auction. Your... David Batty. I'm David Batty. I'm a fucking nightmare. I'm afraid you've picked fight with wrong bloke because I'm charged with looking after him by a father. I'll take no pleasure in this. At that batty crack to the butt of the shotgun into Neil's jaw sending him to the floor Fuck what the actual fuck fuck he started it. I was just here on my first fucking date in nine years And he ruined it and now you've broken my fucking beautiful jaw How can this fucking happen to me? I've got a bible sign by Cliff Richard and so fucking barker!

David's just as boot booted for into Neil's grind and started to press and mold his private. Ah, are you fucking animal? That's nine years worth of gunk in there! Fucking agony! That's nine years worth of gunk in there Yeah, drop two condoms out of your pocket meds What so fucking what I'm not going to get my grip now. I'm Just say no two condoms leads would definitely abroad more Kate never returns to the snow and deleted her account from the nonsense party chat room I'll slid it! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha That's what I'm saying. Thanks for listening everyone. Thank you, past nippers. Yeah, thank you. Bye bye. you