Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 38: Sound Effects Extravaganza

Episode Date: February 20, 2024

Crisps, writing on hearts, Hunt vs Sugar, egg escape, a Pearson/McCarthy coffee shop trip, and much more. (Full version released 31/3/23) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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It looks like you're about to open a packet of some kind of food there. Oh, Andy offers out. I've got two chocolate cookies, two butterscotch crunch, two Viennese worlds. Have you collected them from the area where we are today? Yeah. Are they freebies? I'm not willing to give you that information. I didn't get offered them.

Well, I can offer you two Viennese worlds because they don't look... I'll take them. I'll take them for later on. We're back in the studio, aren't we? Yeah, I haven't seen your actual flesh your actual flesh for i'm gonna say three years there was a brief period at the time theater in newcastle where we had a conversation from about 30 feet apart that's right other than that yeah it's been it's been pre-covered so that's that's nice and it's good to see that you're adding sound effects of cookies being...

I like to think to myself, the parsnippers are a little bit more indulgent to my eating habits. Do you think so? Yeah. We'll see. Occasionally they leave comments about how objectionable they find it. How do you have a look at them? Do you think my skin looks good? That kind of thing.

Given that it's been three years, I reckon you only look about two years, ten months older. Well, that's not bad, is it? been three years i reckon you only look about two years ten months older well that's not bad is it i think they call that a result given that everything we've been through in those three years uh yeah i think that's all right what about me how am i looking yeah your skin looks really lovely but you do get that on a slightly plumper man but your eyes aren't looking good what about a bit of retinol have you not been sleeping i've been all right, I think. This is just generally, this is basic level. Dawson, what are you seeing right now? Sorry to be a bearer of bad news,

but they're almost what I call Halloween eyes, you know, when someone's painted up their eyes for effect. Oh, really? I'm into zombies at the moment, Andy. Are you? Yeah, I'll get on to that later. Is that something you're coming to now and again? Is it cyclical? You get into zombies every few years? So this is Aesthetico Parsn moment. Yeah. I'll get onto that later. Is that something you're coming to like now and again? Is it cyclical?

You get into zombies every few years? So this is Athletico Parsnips. Yes. It's like Athletico Parsnips live. It feels like it,

doesn't it? Kind of, yeah. It does feel different. I'm not looking at it inside my little mobile phone in a very, very small square area. Well, generally, I'll be honest,

I can only usually say kind of part of your forehead because of the way you position the camera. Well, I hold... This is just housekeeping, isn't it, or something? Tech talk. You know, Andy, whatever I'm going through, however old I might look, I'm still listening to that country music.

Oh, man. Who isn't, though? You know what I mean? We've kicked off a country music revival. There's even radio stations for it now. Oh, don't be damned. Yeah, honestly. Well, have you got a new one for us, then?

Yeah, of course I have. Okay, well, let's have a bit of that, then. Here we go. I've been listening to that country fucking music With an attic full of skunk to supervise I've got some flaky skin around my neck folks And some weeping blisters on my upper thighs The problem is I'm only eating dippers

I haven't had any veg since I was five. I had some turkey crisps on my 18th birthday. Probably the only reason that I'm still alive. But I'm not honky.

I'm not bright as a spark. I'm Andy Dawson. I'm pissing on shadows. Shadows. Shadows. In the fucking dark. I spend all my money on country music. If my skunk cop fails, I'm heading for the streets.

Need to find myself a better way of living Like the rodeo I'm delivering for Uber Eats But I'm not punky I'm not bright as Spock I'm Andy Dawson I'm pissing on shadows Shadows, shadows In the fucking dark

Yee-haw! Yee-haw! Does it give you a Toy Story feeling? A Toy Story feeling? Yeah, like Woody from Toy Story. What's that mean? He's a cowboy, country music and all that. Oh, okay.

Just wondered if my song took you there. I just wondered how you knew about my 18th birthday when I had them turkey crisps. I bet you whooped them down, didn't you? Someone may do some research. Do you like the, I probably asked you before, Andy, do you like the posh crisp? You know, the artisan crisp.

I'm not asked. I think it's shit. I wouldn't go as far as to say they're shit, but I'm not bothered. Kettle crisps and all that. No, kettle crisps. Nah, it just gives a pack of walkers. Do you know, you hate to say it for some reason,

but yeah, the walkers are a very good crisp, isn't it? There's a reason why they're the best-selling crisps. I'm just guessing they're the best-selling crisps. I don't know. They're light, they're pale, they've got a crunch. You get less and less in the bag year on year, so it's healthier, I guess. God bless them.

Or sometimes you'll have two bags. And the other thing, a lot of people think that they don't have as much clout as they used to, Andy. That they aren't as vinegary as they used to be or as cheese and oniony.

Yeah. What say you, you bastard? I say if there's been a change, it's been negligible and I haven't noticed. You haven't noticed. Do you know what I mean? Like in the book, The Twits,

where Mr Twit shaves a little bit off and I haven't noticed. You haven't noticed. Do you know what I mean? Like in the book, The Twits, where he, Mr. Twit, shaves a little bit off of the walking stick of Mrs. Twit each night. Ah, yeah. Does he shave off? No, he adds a bit.

He adds a bit. He adds a little bit each night and she makes the things that she's shrinking because her walking stick is getting bigger. Yeah.

It's kind of that. Right. Right, they've done that to us. It makes sense. It does make absolute sense. Yeah. So you're saying if you'd been cryogenic from the 70s Oh, that would be different.

And then you opened a pack of salt and vinegar, you'd go, what? What's happened here? Have I lost my sense of taste while being cryogenic for 50 years? Yeah, that's what you'd say. Do you want a name, sir? Do you have some options for me?

Yeah, I do. What do you think of this one? Dung Hooper. A little bit cowboy. Yeah. A little bit rural. A little bit rude. He's actually an online vlogger.

He tours industrial estates filming guard dogs. That's, you know, might be up your street. You had me until vlogger. Ah, shouldn't't put that in. Loudon Forthright. Loudon? Yeah. As in Loudon Wainwright?

Yeah, but it's Forthright. He's a businessman. And Andy, he once made £100 in one day. Oh, up there with Lord Alan Sugar. Yeah, what do you reckon? Tempting, it's a maybe. Okay. Peter Peppercock.

He's got a very peppery Douglas, obviously. I almost said yes as soon as you said it. Okay, good morning, Peter Peppercock. Thank you very much for inviting me along. Hey, I'll tell you what the best bit about coming back to the studio in London, because that's where we are. Yeah.

I got to walk down Carnaby Street again on my way down here today. Did you? Oh, when you walk down Carnaby Street, you never know what you might see. A city farmer with a robot cow and Terence Trent Darby. Oh, yes. And that's what I saw. But Terence Trent Darby goes Oh, yes. And that's what I saw. But Terence Trent Darby goes under a different name now.

I don't know if you know that. I did. I saw him on the documentary about Paul Eates. Oh, yeah. Lots to digest there, I think. Stop it. But below the waist content, wasn't it? How do you mean?

I don't understand that. We were talking about them having it off. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was nice for them. I didn't know anything about that. No, I don't think you did. I don't really that talking about them having it off oh yeah yeah that was nice for them i didn't know anything about that i've no i don't really follow that sort of thing terence drenterby just went on just to say just to brag about it really and why not do you reckon terence

drenterby still wants us to sign our names across his heart bob um yes i do i think terence would like us i mean it was 1987 and that single went silver in the UK, so that's 200,000 sales. And even if he got, like, a 1% take-up on that offer to sign our names across his heart, that's still 2,000 names that would be signed, minimum,

signed across his heart. I don't think his heart would take the stress. Well, my surgeon said it's an incredibly resilient organ. You could have 2,000 names signed across your heart. Well just saying yours because yours just don't you know people's hearts like um there was a footballer this week calton call maybe calton palmer something like that i think it was calton palmer i had an heart attack yeah his heart rate 240 and still completed a half marathon or something what he did the heart attack during the marathon? Yeah. What? Yeah. And there's all sorts of stories, you know, with the heart, like every time you have a heart attack,

you lose a part of the heart, you know, but it carries on. Where does it go? Shit it out? No, it just dies. Oh, no. It gets flaky. It's liquefied.

It gets flaky like your back. And the pipes that feed the heart, you know, this is the terrible thing about it, Andy. The heart is so resilient that even if you've only got like two pipes left, other than the seven or nine. How many regular pipes do we have? I think seven or nine,

but I'm not sure. Seven or nine. And two of them, and in and out, only working at 1%. Right. It'll still pump away. It'll keep you going.

Like it's holiday time in Mallorca. Wow. And then suddenly, bang so it's almost a curse its strength is almost a curse because it'll keep on going so you say that it could take 2000 signatures well I'm wondering if it might a healthy heart

I've upped it, I've bigged it up so maybe it could true or false, sticking with Terence Trentopi the B side of sign your name across my heart I've bigged it up and so maybe it could. True or false, right? True or false? Sticking with Terence Trent, don't be. Okay. The B side of sign your name across my heart was called greasy chicken. Ah, false. True or false? False.

It's true. Don't be daft. It's true. It's true. That's not going to do his heart any good either, is it? Greasy chicken. Hey, Andy. What?

Are you air frying a whole chicken yet? Last time I asked, you hadn't. Yeah. Can I see a photograph? What do you reckon? Yeah, but you look like you're very happy. 55 minutes. I'm just going to go onto my photos app and I'm just going to search chicken and see if it'll find it. And I think it will. Ooh, has it? It has, you know.

Look at that. Oh, that's beautiful, isn't it? It's beautiful. See, beautiful see i was because crispy skin on 50 minutes i got my i got mine out after 40. you know i used the probe it was hot enough oh really i used to be broke really yeah oh well how was the truth so you're doing some frozen fish cakes from iceland say yeah right and you it says put them in for 15 minutes. Because it's air fryer, you might go 12, 10, something like that. What makes you think it's ready if you don't have a probe?

You're going to use a probe on fish cakes? Too fucking right, yeah. It's just guesswork. Well, it's guesswork, isn't it? Yeah, and I've been right so far. I've never had any consequences that I couldn't handle, put it that way. Yeah, but it's taking time, isn't it yeah and I've been right so far I've never had any consequences that I couldn't handle yeah put it that way

it's taking time mum isn't it should ever all your food if you keep your food if you eat it after 75 degrees Celsius

you'll be alright really yeah and I'll tell you what it's just a little tip because it's really quite enjoyable get yourself a probe

get yourself a probe I'm gonna get a probe it really is quite good fun is there anywhere in the Oxford Street area I could pick one up to do do you think no go Amazon man Amazon controversial

Andy I've had a crime files in ok you ready crime I wasn't ready shit I'm not ready. Ah, shit.

I'm not ready. No, I'm ready. Crime files. Nasty little ones. Am I in this at all? You are in some stuff that I haven't sent you, so it might be this. There's a bit of a nasty one this, Andy.

Any way is up. The small Buckinghamshire market town of Chesham lies in the Chiltern Hills some 25 miles north west of London A quiet commuter town known for the 4B's Boots, Beer,

Brushes and Baptists The TV weatherman Francis Wilson used to live here but he doesn't anymore Chesham boasts one of the lowest crime rates The TV weatherman Francis Wilson used to live here, but he doesn't anymore. Chesson boasts one of the lowest crime rates in South East England and is considered one of the top ten places to live in the UK. That, Andrew, was until the 4th of October 2022, when the reputation of the town changed forever.

Shit, hang on. It's not ready. No, it's ready. There it goes. That's like a moped coming from the distance. I think David faded in for some reason. Tucked behind the market square in Lewin's yard was the latest studio

of nonsense potter Mr Neil Hunt. It was a quiet Tuesday lunchtime and Neil was sat at his desk reading the Daily Mail and applying TCP to a saw on his left eye. Suddenly the front door opened and in walked the apprentice frontman, Sir Alan Sugar. Mmm. Gertrude!

From the look of this place, you couldn't throw a wobbler never mind throw a pot Alan holds up his phone which plays a short blast of canned laughter now I have this canned laughter here Andrew yes I think

right good luck with that you sound like the moped there are we editing this show not this bit oh man With that. You sound like the moped there. Are we editing this show? Not this bit. Oh, man. Alan holds up his phone, which plays a short blast of canned laughter.

Let me have a butcher's at your business plan, boss, says Alan. Excuse me, but who the hell do you think you are, waddling in here demanding business plans? And don't call me boss unless you work for me, and I assure you I wouldn't employ an old walnut like you, even if my toilet was blocked, and you were the only plumber with working arms left standing on

planet Earth. Get out of my nonsense pottery. Listen, pipe down. Just shut it for a moment. I don't want to hear anymore. I don't want to hear anymore. I'm interested in investing in shitty

local businesses and this dump caught my eye. I'm looking to invest £100,000 so today could be more like the lottery than pottery for you. Then I have to try and find that sound effect. OK.

That's good. Neil. Oh, yes, and where did you get that sort of money to throw around willy-nilly? You look more like a scrap dealer than a wheeler dealer. Neil gets out his phone and plays his trombone sting. Well done, Neil. If you want the money, just give me a quick elevator pitch. Now, from the look of you, you need a facelift more than a lift to the boardroom.

Candle after under... Okay, okay, I'll do it. My name is Neil Hunt, and I operate the UK's most respected nonsense pottery, selling nonsense pieces at nonsense prices. It's a market that's flourishing and will continue to grow as the public demand more nonsense in their lives. There, that's it. That's my pitch. And by the way, if you needed a lift,

it would probably be to a walnut farm to chat with your mates. What, what, what? So, what's your turnover this year to date? And I don't mean the amount of times you've turned over in bed due to your septic thigh. They're laughing at me. Oh, they like that one. It's doubled every single year since 1976 and And might I say, the only thing you seem to have doubled is your chin.

Chin. You know what's coming, Andy. Yeah. There it is. I think this is actually pretty good. No, I'm enjoying it. Very good news. And what are your capital costs?

And I don't mean, how much have you spent on Oyster Cards attending topless bars in London? Can't laugh. There you go. I don't have any capital costs. Everything's paid for, and depreciation is claimed against profits.

Grab hold of that with your sausage fingers. Alan grabs hold of a nonsense pottery vase featuring a hazelnut with an arrow through it and the words, I'm nuts for you, written on it. What's a markup on a piece of nonsense like this. Cos, I must say, I think you would have

to be nuts to buy it. 90% and it retails at £40,000. Very impressive. I'm tempted to invest right here and now. At that moment, the door opens and in walks Karen Brady. Lord Sugar, a car is waiting for you outside to take you to Alexander Palace, where you have a meeting with Daffy Duck.

But Karen, I'm about to make a deal here, and when I say deal, I don't mean the town in Kent. Come on, let's seal the deal. And when I say seal, I don't mean the pop singer. You know, with the facial scar. The door opens again and in walks Tuka Suleiman from Dragon's Den. Yes. Oh.

Yes. Oh. Yes. Or... Just hold your horses. I'm willing to give you £150,000 for a 2% cut in your nonsense pottery. I can get you a lock-up for your stock, import your clay from China at a quarter of the price

and put billboards up in places that they will be seen. And when I say seen, I don't mean that bit in Harry Potter, you know, where the Ford Angu ends up in the tweet. SFX ta-da. I think I'm going to go with Tuka. That's a much better offer. And when I say offer, I don't mean offer tits. Before the sound effect has even finished,

Karen has walked over to Neil and thrust her ballpoint pen into the sore on his thigh. I think you should go with Lord Sugar. Oh my God, what are you doing? Ah! Ah! Do you not know who you're go with Lord Sugar. Oh, my God, what are you doing? Do you not know who you're dealing with here? I'm Neil Hunt. My daughter-in-law's piano teacher has access to wires so thin and sharp they could cut you open like cheese. I also have a ray gun on order from infinity rocket plastics though I must admit they've missed several delivery deadlines Karen digs the pen in deeper

just say you will go with Lord sugar and the pain stops bloody hell Karen you've got a lot of pent up aggression there canned laughter Question there. Canned laughter. Shut up. Okay, okay. I'll take the deal with the sugar man. Christ, why is it always little old me?

Just last week I cleaned a strained dog's eyes so that its sight returned. And every week I help repair the fences of the donkey sanctuary. Tooker. Will, Roy, I'll get back to the den and I don't mean the home of Millwall Football Club. Tuka leaves the shop. Pleasure doing business with you, son, says Alan. And if you don't mind, I'll purchase one of these hazelnut vases. I've got a fresh one out of the kiln here. You can take it now. Alan points at the vase that's fresh out of the kiln.

That's fired. That's a big word. Come after. Karen, come on, Lord Sugar. Daffy Duck's waiting for you. Okay, just send the invoice to my head office. Karen and Alan leave. Neil is left alone.

Ha, fucking ha. That vase he took had a flaw in the glaze that renders it worthless. Karen and Alan leave. Neil is left alone. Ha, fucking ha. That vase he took had a flaw in the glaze that renders it worthless. That's 140k I've taken in one morning. I'm Neil Hunt and I'm loving my life. I'm sorry, Andy. That was a bit of a mess, but I think it could be fun. I think it's... I enjoyed it.

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from the past nippers at this point? Yeah, go on then. Because there's quite a few and they're good. I've got one here, right, which I think, out of all the thousands that have been submitted over the years, this is possibly my favourite ever question. And, Bob, it's topical. Okay.

From Peter Algy. Imagine you were going to be enclosed in a giant Easter egg. You have only ten seconds. I'm having a bit of a chomp there. Yes, of course. You have only ten seconds to pick something from your living room to help you escape from the massive and thick as out

chocolate. What are you choosing? Did you say it's thick as out? He put thick as out. Peter Algy. To me that feels like it's a foot of chocolate. Would you agree? Well it's a giant Easter egg. You've got to think about how thick a standard Easter egg is, and then you've got to replicate that, extrapolate that.

Is that the word? Could be. Could be. For it to be giant. So the casing has got to be pretty thick. Thick as out, as he says. Well, thick as out. What do you think that is?

Six inches? Eight inches. Eight inches. Ten seconds. Nothing to glance around. Nothing springs to mind in your living room. All right. Ten seconds, nothing to glance around. Nothing springs to mind in your living room that you could grab. Oh, right, I'm sorry. Have you got a poker?

Exactly what I have got. Yeah. It's probably what I'd run to, the poker. I don't know whether that would have been a good choice. I'm instantly thinking maybe I should have took something to apply heat. You know, like my cigarette lighter or something like that. Yeah, that would take ages to melt through eight inches of chocolate. Yeah.

I don't think you'd have enough petrol in it. I've got a diesel lighter, actually. Oh, yeah? Yeah. All right. Wish I hadn't. There was a time when they said, you get a diesel lighter, that's better. That's the future.

Now I'm told. No, you're killing the planet. You're king poison. I've got a pretty hefty table lamp. Right. And the base of it is heavy. Very heavy. It's orange as well, if that's any help to you.

I think that will help you, yeah. And I reckon if I took the lampshade off, removed the bulb, because that could smash, I could probably force me way out of the air. Chip away at it. Yeah. With the little brass bit.

I could be out of there in 30 seconds, I reckon. Yeah. Before the air runs out oh of course there's that side of things isn't there yeah

you're sealed in well I think I might be better with my poker to drive a little air hole through initially so I can relax

into the job wriggle the air hole and make it bigger and bigger till you can get out you got it getting air is your

first priority it might actually be the priority wasn't that a good question it's not a bad question, not a bad question. This is from someone who just called Wound. Right.

Weird. Do you mind thinking about outer space from time to time, or has it all been too scary? Doesn't scare me, Andy. I don't think about it much. Do you know at school you've got kids who like space, kids who like dinosaurs, or things like that? Yeah.

I just like football, I don't understand space. You're a simple man, aren't you, really? In terms of space, I know less than a ten-year-old. You're not worried about stuff out there that could come and interfere with our lives? Nah. You've just got to get on with it, haven't you?

If it happens. Hey, if something comes along from out there, it might be for the better. You're right. And I mean, life's meant to be fun, Andy. You know, if you take it too seriously, you're making an error. That's a very good point. Getting back to football, you once talked about you had an annuity

from the football league. I do, yeah, still receive an annuity. Regarding a move? A move that you could make in the penalty area. Yeah. Yeah, that will guarantee that either a goal is scored or a penalty is awarded. I'm not bringing football down.

And if you're like digging at me to try and tell you about it. I was up for some kind of clue maybe. No. Well, it does involve you having to get on the ground. Okay, so if that... I don't think that's given so much away. Interesting, isn't it? It's fascinated me for years, that has.

To think I hold the future of football in these grubby little towns. It's incredible that such a simple-minded man could have devised something. Did you come across it by accident? Yeah, by accident. Were you high when you came across it? No, well, think that it it was

ignored at the time right and then afterwards the coach and the referee were talking as if it was fun they say oh you could have actually awarded a penalty then right and the referee was sort of like yes do you know what of course i should have awarded a penalty silly as it sounds and then that's how it started. And they haven't changed the rules to try and counteract it. No, they're just on me. They're watching me. They just keep forking out the money.

Keep it quiet. I see people following me on the train this morning. I think there was someone. Yeah, from Lytham St Anne's, where the football league is based. Sticking with football, Adam Peter says, if you could have any past footballers hair either to wear yourself

or to neatly display somewhere who would you choose I'm always drawn to the Colombian lad you know Valder is it Valderrama

huge huge frizzy hair of Valderrama yeah I'm just always drawn to that it's a beautiful spherical

sphericalness to it. Perfection, wasn't it? It was like the hair bear bunch. And it was many coloured. You know, deep within its pile, there's a lot of texture and colour. We're not talking about rainbow colours, we're talking about just various tints.

Various tints and bronze and browns. What a beautiful piece. And I probably wouldn't wear it, but I'd like to display it. In your home? Yeah. You couldn't smash your way out of an egg with it, so don't put it in Yeah. But I'd like to display it. In your home? Yeah. You couldn't smash your way out of an egg with it, so don't put it in your living room.

No chance, but you could sit on your ass on it. Is it that? What? If I was watching you attempt... You could sit in it? Well, no, if I was watching you attempt... Yeah. ...to escape...

Oh, like you'd sit on the glass case that would be within. No, I'd sit on my assse watching you and counting down the time and hoping you didn't emerge. What's this got to do with the hair? Where's the hair? It's under my arse. You're sitting in it. Sitting on it, Andy, yeah. It was just an idea.

I don't think it's firm enough. I'd go Eric Gates, 1987. Why? When he played for Sunderland, when he signed for Sunderland. But did he have a side part? Greasy side part? No, it was kind of just a farmer's hairstyle, I'm going to say. Mighty young. With a mullet element to it.

Nice. It was just wild chaos. Yeah. But at the same time, beautiful. Do you like the darts player, the mullet? The what? Have you seen the mullet, the darts player? No, who's he?

He was in the Worlds last year. Got knocked out first round. I think he's German or Austrian. And he's the mullet, that's what it says on the back of his shirt. Great big, fucking gorgeous mullet on him. Is he American? I don't...

No, I don't think so. I liked him. Good. I liked him. I've got some topics of interest to run past you. Alright, okay. But hey, just saying topic thing makes me think of one. You know, topic, the chocolate bar's been discontinued. Has it?

Just about two months ago. Kept that quiet. It's a shocker, isn't it? Yeah. I mean, I just wonder, what other chocolate bar would you... What other chocolate bar do you wish had been discontinued rather than the topic? I'm not a fan

of the double decker to be honest. Thank you Andy I'm exactly with you. It's shit isn't it? Yeah. I mean it's not shit but it's a terrible choice. It's just pointless. I bought a pack of four in B&M recently because I just had a nostalgia. Yeah. Because I hadn't had one for years I thought I'd try them,

4 for a quid. Yeah. I've got three whispers in my bag if you want one later. Oh, I like a whisper. Yeah? Yeah. Okay.

Thank you. But yeah, I just, I had it and I thought, this is fucking awful. Pointless. Pointless chocolate bar. Hey, do you, here's a topic.

Do you, you know the onion ring, deep fried onion ring? You know, like, lovely thought, innit? Yeah. I like one of them. But have you ever actually onion ring. You know, like, lovely thought, innit? Yeah. I like one of them. But have you ever actually had one that's crunchy,

like you hope it is? I have. You reckon? But in a pub. Yeah. Not from a chippy or a takeaway. Oh, it's disappointing. Just too soft.

You think you're going to go... Yeah. But you don't soggy mess them all the time. I don't know how they make them. Deep frying. But how do they create the ring of onion? They cut an onion with a knife and it falls into rings. Does it?

It's just the nature of the onion, Andy. I've just been cutting my onions wrong, I reckon. What else have you got? Winter tyres. Nah, not bothered. Okay. All right, fair enough. If I lived on a slope slope maybe i'd consider it but

nah winters are getting more clement over here so i'm not worried clement eh yeah clement yeah nigel pearson you know um moose from infinity rocket plastics he's got um a device now that he's trialing um it allows you to hear conversations that are about 15 to 20 yards away up to 15 20 yards away you can actually hear them crisp and he was in bristol last week he went to the retail park there to try it out and he got really lucky because when he was in costa coffee in walked nigel Pearson, manager of Bristol City. And Moose sent me a transcript of what occurred. So here it is.

A fella behind the bar says, what's Bristol? Bristol a bit like that, innit? A bit like that, innit? Yeah. Hello there. Ian Holloway. Ian Holloway, that's right, yeah. Hello there.

Can I take a name, please? No. You may not, young man. What business is it of yours? Just so I can identify your order. I'm very easy to identify. As I am the bloke, the fucking vice. Is it a bit Brian? I am the bloke who looks like he

wants to fight you and that is because I do want to fight you and if I fight you it is a fight that I will

win. Oh. Can I take an order? Can I? What is it? Do Holloway again?

You're in Holloway, isn't it? I can't take an order without a name in that case my name is best fighter because i am the best fighter in the uk and europe okay i'll use that then now what can i get you i will have a large full fat latte and a fight please um sorry we we don't sell fights that then why not fight me

for free without payment but i must warn you it is a fight you will lose any other outcome is impossible due to my fighting prowess i don't want to fight i I do, though, because I'm an excellent fighter. What sort of... Do you make up your idea? Instead, what sort of fight do you actually mean? A British fight using British fighting techniques, including headbutting, but no kicking. I'm an excellent headbutter,

and my headbutting has won me many a fight. No, I'm all right, thanks. Do you accept that if we had a fight, it is a fight that I would win? Yeah, all right, yeah, yeah, you would win. In that case, just the latte, thanks. Can I have cinnamon sprinkles on it, please? No, sorry, we don't stock the cinnamon sprinkles no more. The absence of sprinkles in a coffee outlet is unforgivable. Go and tell your boss that there is a fighting man out here who wants a fight about the lack of sprinkles

and don't forget to inform him that it is a fight he will lose because the precedent of me losing a fight does not exist i'm so sorry he's not in here today in that case give me his home address so i can attend to fight him or alternatively fight me yourself it's your choice well moose told me that the bloke wrote something down on a piece of paper probably the manager's's address, I suppose. Then Nigel walked out with a great big fighting smile on his face, was how he described it. Lo and behold, Andy, fucking hell, check this out. In walks Mick McCarthy.

As if by magic. Can I take your name, please? What do you want that for, you bastard? Just so we can identify your order, you bastard. Sorry, sir. Bastard. That's my can identify your order. You bastard. Sorry, sir. Bastard. That's me name, you nosy bastard. Okay, what can I get you, sir?

I'll have a camper bastard choo-choo, extra bastard hot with cinnamon bastard sprinkles, you bastard. I'm sorry, sir, we don't do the cinnamon sprinkles anymore. Why, bastard, not you bastard. The order just wasn't the demand. That's bullshit, you bastard. It's just bastard

cost-cutting. This shop is a bastard for treating customers like bastards. Well, you know, we have plenty of happy customers. Yeah, happy bastards. I'm out of here and I'm not being treated like a bastard. Like you, you bastard.

We've got nutmeg sprinkles. Nutmegs for bastards. And Mick left, and that was the end of this report. Which went on too long. For which I apologise. That was good. That was very good. It made us think about something,

but I forgot what it was I was going to say. We've done a lot of waffling on, but I hope that... I hope there was something to cling on to yeah uh thanks for listening everybody and bye bye bye bye yeah thank you parsnippers see you next time We'll be right back. for terms and conditions. Must be 19 years of age or older to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have any questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor free of charge.

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