Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 4: Hunt vs Hodgson

Episode Date: October 21, 2020

Some bits from Athletico Parsnips episodes 6 and 7. Crime Files, Martin visits Peter, Lawro lists roads, Owen goes to Talksport, a Scottish tale and more. (Rec Sep/Oct 2019) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello boys and girls and welcome to a lettical past snips with me Bob Mortimer. I hope you're having a pleasant day and in particular that you are not suffering from any localised itching too, the thigh, lower back or inside calf. I would like you to imagine that you are the first customer of the day in a small, quite glossed-toucher pub. A fire is crackling in the angle and you have just taken your first sip of a creamy, locally-brood bitter. You take a deep, satisfied sigh and relax into the deeply cushioned bench. And then you hear the annoying wine of a moped, straining under the weight of its rider, pull up outside the pub. The door is thrust open and in strides a stench of a man wearing a sundling football shirt and holding a carry about full of meat.

You want to buy any type of kidney mint? It's on the turn but you should be okay if your boiler live living shit out of it Mind if I join you like I've got a right sweat on Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my co-host Mr. Andrew Dawson. Oh Mr. Dawson Mr. Dawson The fish manga stats are Mr. Dawson Mr. Dawson, Mr. Dawson, But his wife are too noxious, noxious,

Oh Andrew Andrew, Oh Andrew, Spued up on the fly crew, On the fly crew, All in closer to Coffin, Mmm Coffin, That's Andrew Andrew. Yes, welcome ladies and gentlemen

to a vertical pass next, with myself and Andrew Andrew. Hope you're feeling good. Well, I am off to spewing up all over them. Trolley dollies. I got a quiz you know Andrew. Have you? Yeah, what you want my quiz? I want your quiz. I'll bet. Well, what I did, what I've done is is I've gone back to a cause I'm a fair man. I've gone back to your... You say that but... Well listen up, let's take another trip to Aster. Right, okay. You know that's where you play your joke, right? You play your Joker, Aster wouldn't you?

And I've looked at the breaded chicken landscape, yeah? Ooh. So it's called Nuggets Buying Pop Unicorns Thwack. No, it's called Nuggets Buying Pop Unicorns Thwack Die I Ain's called Nuggets, Boeing, PARP, Unicorns, Thwack, D-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I As the own 38 breaded chicken nuggets Bernard Matthews 10 chicken unicorns As the 18 breaded chicken breast lumps Lumps 18 the Pagat Little chunks except sure that should be fair chunk you haven't been fair of you Right, I'm gonna try six out bigger the unicorns. I'm sorry. I didn't get that detail

I'm just gonna have a shot in the dark when the most expensive is the Nuggets How many lumps are there? 10 no sorry 18 lumps 10 unicorns all right No sorry 18 lumps 10 unicorns all right 38 nuggets Christ nuggets lumps unicorns Most expensive slumps not said nuggets first and that nuggets most expensive then lumps then unicorns wrong in it 18 breaded chicken breast lumps 2 pound 50 38 breaded chicken breast lumped £2.50. 38 breaded chicken nuggets £2.10.

Burnards. Mr Matthews, oh, you're gone. One night, five, unlucky Andrew. Are you familiar with the unicorn? No, in it, 34. Right, it says chicken. Says chicken, yeah. To entice the young girls into the world of nuggets in it. What's Matthews doing chicken for?

I know he's dead now, is this the family's wishes? Is it the movement of nuggets in it. What's Matthew's doing chicken for? I know he's dead now, is this the family's wishes? Is it the move in the chicken? He's on his death. It's a real story that, because on his death he said, never moving to chicken. Pivot, don't pivot to chicken. Keep it turkey. For generations, I want it kept us turkey.

TURKEY. So, I thought I'd do a crime files right okay Andrew all right we'll be in need you to help me with this right that means I've got to get the sound effects up you got to get sound effects up you got to get your head rounding up I am alert and ready go crime files Crime Files. We lock our doors at night to keep out the outside world, to keep evil out, but what happens when evil has a key? These were the words spoken by Neil Hunt, nonsense potter.

A man who knows firsthand how evil can deceptively find a way into your home without warning, prepare to enter his nightmare. Even as a kid. September 25th, 2018, was just another stale and humdrum day at Neil's nonsense pottery, situated in an old coach house just off the high street in the village of Rotham. Neal arrived at 730 to fire up his kiln, leaving his studio doors wide open. His first customer entered the pottery at 11am and started to examine the pieces on display without acknowledging Neal's presence. After about five minutes Neal decided

to break the silence. Excuse me! Sorry. Excuse me, matey boy. A simple hello or good morning wouldn't go a miss you know. It's called good manners and like everything else in this country, it seems to have gone to hell like a tub down a water slide. Oh I do apologize, I didn't see you there. Is this your nuts and sputtersy? It was Roy Hodson, manager of the Crystal Palace Football Hub. Yes, I kneeled and hugged Nonsense Potter, apology accepted. Is there anything in particular you're looking for?

Have you heard of the fantasy war strategy game? I'm so sorry, what was that? Woh, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah that whewa wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wh wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wh wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha wha So you're looking for something for a grandchild or a hospital kid. No, it's for me. On the right over the line of destruction of the Crystal Palace. I reckon if I get my own customized pieces, that Muggeda was Townsend, whatever they were bakedown, and I can replace them in half with you flier every days. But you're about fucking 80!

Is your mind drifting or something? Are you on the pills? Like half the rest of this fucking Todd kingdom? What did you say? I don't even know the Oh 52 years of age and that in Orchus is a meager 34 years old. What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck what the MIGA! You fucking deaf, you little pot of nonsense! Wilfred, get out of here! At that command Wilfred Saha strides through the door, wearing metallic, art-effect armor and yielding a huge steel-effect axe. He believes himself to be Grimbor Ironhide, commander of the Greenskin Orcs. Wilfred, give this little prick a clap with your ex.

Why what was he done Poss? He was accused of having mine drifted being on the nerve pills. Now, as you're raining loaded destruction, I'll command you to clap him up a bit. So hard took a few steps towards Neil and raised his steel effect axe above his head preparing to strike. Now hold on, now fuck, just fucking hold on! This is a private fucking pottery, and who in the name of a lifelong fucking contest is this bogus fucking Todd warrior? I'm a representation of Grimbo Ironhide, you know the warlord of the green skin orcs.

My arm is forged in blood and my sword getsnick, is it right? Bastard, innit? Is this something to do with wardamma? Wuh, wardamma! Wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh,

wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, wuh, w You speak like a fucking goblin with a mouth full of piss. Just get out. Both of you get out of my potry or phone the police. Or am I even phone my brother and you should know he owns a fucking sword and porry I'm in high wickum. Haha. The police are gonna be what's gonna get his Grimgle iron height. He's a fucking lunatic. Stuck it down Grimgle and will bore him.

So how raised his axe again and bought it down on Neil's skull. So how raised his axe again and bought it down on Neil's skull? The shaft of the axe disintegrated immediately on impact. Neil was totally unhingeured. POLICE STYLE! POLICE FUCKING STYRE! Europe against Neil Hunt nonsense potter! And you come armed with a fucking axe from Clown's skull! Fuck sake wolf, you've been cut cutting corners on the old weapon, mate. Did you bring any postions we could love into this muppets face?

Yeah, I got a small pouch of devil's hemlock in it. Ooh, love it into his machine, you skinny prick! Sahar immediately took a small glass bottle out of his slacks pink. Out of the slacks beneath his fake armour and threw a quick, oh, through a thick green liquid into Neil's face. Ah, I'm fucked, Jesus, it's viscous! It's fucking acid! Have you done a fucking dance floor attack on me? Why would you do that to lovely old me? I give money to shit donkeys! Hold on, it's this very fucking liquid! Yeah, well spotted, you're not real hemlock as well crunchy to get old, aren't you? You're using the detergent in the heat of battle, you witness bulk!

Come on, if it's all you've got in your luck, we better fuck off! And it's miserable clay shit all! This bulk is one angry muck! Yes, yes, go on, your pair of Todd warriors! Fuck off out of here! I'm Neil Hunt and I'm loving my fucking life! A Neil laugh and laugh as if every single grain of sand in his kiln was delivering the punchline to a political joke. Oh, it's a good talk spot this weekend, eh? It's a talk spot, but it's a good one, doesn't it? Yeah, I said this is gonna be a good talk spot this week, Andy. It's a talk spot, but you know, I said, yeah, I said, this is going to be a good one, so I recorded it.

Yeah, I'm glad I did, actually. I said, Jim White show. You brought a little cassette recorder in there, press play on it. Yep. Hello and welcome back to talk spot with medium white. I can't tell you how excited I am by the excitement being generated by this exciting sure and it's about to go into excitement overdrive as I introduce my next guest Mr. Michael Owen. Welcome Michael and how excited are you to be here today? I'm very excited to be here.

It is up there with the most exciting times of my life. That's what I like to hear. I tell you how excited I am to have used my guest today, Michael. I've just eaten three jaffa cakes at once without nibbling away at the chocolate rim. So, right, listeners, please phone in if you've ever eaten anything disc-shaped without nibbling away at the rim. So, Michael, you're a new book. What's it about? And is it exciting? The book is about my life as a footballer it documents what happened to me during my career as a footballer it tells the story of what happened to me when I was a footballer. Oh, it sounds very exciting I'm just gonna have to chuck this two finger kick cat down my neck without

nibbling away at the side chocolate that's a measure of how excited I am. What's it exciting to write? Oh, you bet it was, Jim. I had to think a lot about what occurred during my career both on and off the field. And if that wasn't exciting enough, I also had to go to meetings and take telephone calls on my home phone. Steadily on, Michael, you're painting a picture. That's so exciting! I'm gonna have to take a fart into my pickle jar. Back up to this break folks. Do you sometimes wish you could click your fingers

and be sat on it or the fuck has gone? Oh fuck off. Do you sometimes wish you could click your fingers and be sat on a beach in the Caribbean? Do you sometimes wish you could just clap your hands and be at the wheel of a brand new sports car? Do you sometimes wish you could just make one call phone call and be completely free of debt? Well now you can, with the instant loans of up to £20,000 and L'Anonium Home Recalone Ar loan arrangement could instantly let you break free from the chains of debt. Is that your sports car outside the casino? You must have taken out a linoanium home-recker arrangement.

Linoanium loans are an unregistered credit broke rapier, 2,000 per cent per fortnight, non-payment may lead to loss of everything you own or ever dreamed of acquiring. So Michael, you've landed yourself in a bit of controversy with your comments on New Castle United. It's an exciting prospect to hear what you've got to say about that. I've got my pickle early, Jihani, in case your response is just too damn exciting. And listen, please do phone in if you've had a particular, if you have a particular fermented pickle product, you like to fart into if things get a bit too lively, Michael.

I think it's been blowing out of all proportion. The new castle fans suspied me out as someone who couldn't care less throughout the club, so I got a sulk on. But do you not think that with the wages you were being paid, the club deserves bet- No, not really, it didn't say in my contract that I wasn't allowed to soak. In fact these days, and I mention it in the book, I always have a clause in my contract specifically allowing me to soak. For example, when I am promoting time shares in Dubai. Oh, I love Dubai, all that heat and the hot golf and the baking helicopters and the scorching

sand and the hot shorts and the lads by the pool. Or just thinking about it, it gets me so excited. I'm going to have to lay a Tommy squeaker into this Salah crowd pot. So, do you have a message for the Newcastle fans? Please buy my book which chronicles my time at Newcastle and gives a real and exciting insight into my massive sulk. At the club. At the club. I'm- oh it's there yeah. And what I spent the club's money on during that period. Oh excellent. You should have been honest and exciting character Michael. I wish you all the best back after this Is this you on your way to work I feel drab and unmotivated I

Just haven't got any get up and go I Wish I was at home in bed I Oh. I wish I was at home in bed. I have zero energy. What's wrong with me? Why am I always so tired? If it's you then you need to start your day with Pete's mind oil.

Can we try this? Pete's mind oil. Pete's mind oil. Pete's mind oil. this. It's made from frozen spuds and a bit of farm yard hair. Peech my in-dyle! Peech my in-dyle! Peech my in-dyle! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH plug for Michael Lawrence book there which I'll certainly not be reading. You were a bit like John Cooper Clark then. Did you think? You did a bit bit. It's our later Scouse John Cooper Clark. I'll tick that as a compliment. Hey listen, if people subscribe to our Athletical Passnips Club Passnips thing, they get asked us questions for the Athletical Pass you go past nips episode, don't they? And we try our best answer some of them.

Yeah. From Jorn a Griffin and he says, Can Mark Lawrence and give us his top 10 mortals and e-roads, thanks in advance. Good question. I've got a hundred that on to Mark Lawrence and Andy's, he's come up with the goods, as you'd expect. You go.

Mark Lawrence and here with my top 10 motorways and A-roads for you. 10 M6 Southern section, my least favourite, the concept of tolls on motorways knocks me sick. 9 M4, smashing drive in the right conditions. 8 M1, not all it's cracked up to be to be honest. 7 M23, Gateway to the seaside. 6A66, prone to flooding, but otherwise a lovely drive. 5M55, C also M23.

4A1, just a truly amazing road. 3A19, just an A road, but when it's flowing smoothly, it feels like an M road. So M6 Northern section, once you get another press, it's a visual treat. Number one, M62, highest motorway in the UK. I love driving past.hole Farm, I'm Mark Lawrenceson, they're my top 10 motor A's in A roads, please let me know yours. Very good, Mark Lawrenceson there. You know this stuff though, I agree with an awful lot of that. I thought it was a good list.

Yeah, it's a good list. He's right about that A19 sometimes feeling a lot more to A. I mean, you can get congestion on the internet and it's the worst thing in the world. Yeah, wait, when it's front smoothly, only downfall for me is lack of lighting at night time. Light? Yeah, light is not between thirst and middle's breath. Yeah. It is a bit tricky that and one of the services on that stretch thirst to sort of the motorway to the A1. Yeah. Terrible services there. There's like a garage.

There's a garage. There's a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage.

There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage.

There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like a garage. There's like coffee machine in there no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no On the year 19. Yeah, and it is the big the one for me the big one for me. It doesn't sell junctus pasties Right, okay, I think I know what you mean it looks like it's like a white brick building Is that that one? I don't know about the petro pumps are behind it. I think that's right. Yeah, there's a huge part Yeah, it's really small. Yeah, really narrow eyes. Yeah, yeah, then you like it. I'm sure there's a coffee machine I don't know if they're only you can have hot water and a tea bag It's like welcome a tea side You know, I like another one a bit further up up though you can use that there is there is that is cool. I'll cut all this out

So um homes and the hammer was on this week. All right, okay Did you record it? Yeah, of course I record This one is record. Is there anything else but Wav and MP3? There's M4 years and there's this FLAQ files but they're like really, really big. Oh right. Bigger than a Wav.

Okay, well it's a quality. It's a Wav. It's a Wav, yeah. And so I taped it so it's, you know, it's Martin from Holmes under the hammer and he goes to visit firm as football as ours is This way you went to Peter Bayes's house. Oh nice. Oh Hello, Martin from Holmes and the hammer don't come in and I must say it is very nice to see you

Would you like a nice boiled egg? Oh Peter what? How does this put a picture? I don't know you want the news you want the initial gambit that was a bit different if you don't like me saying what a like it yes I will have a boiled egg it sounds screw me oh you talking to your miserable dial? It's Martin from Horns Under The Hammer. Sorry, so that was... Er, no, it's Martin from Horns Under The Hammer. Don't be fucking deaf, you delundish spoke. Hello, love, it's me, Martin from Horns Under The Hammer.

Come and have a look. I've come to have a look at you, wonderful horn. Oh, hello Martin, has the spooky baby offered you a herchie by a welcome. I assure you he will make the yellow very for her. Hello? Well, yeah, well he offered him boiled egg actually. How fuck untepical of that fucking lazy prick. He should know by now that a boiler is inappropriate at this time of day.

Would you like to change to a nice, fucking boochie? I don't mind, I'm easy. Yes, me too. Fetch Matting, a couple of hornboardies, bankers, and do not fork about. So, this is the whole way I see. It's a dawn with pictures of peters career on one side, annabities of what can only be described as egg dishes on New York that's very unusual but I like it I like it I like it I like it I like it I like it here we go

Pushing all over the way Oh Martin you are fucking funny hokin' party. It is a real man unlike my Fokin' new-sut husband. Yes, the friend pitches of the egg dishes are some of my personal favorites, egg and chips. Pitchy to omelette, open to our bacon crust, sandwich, expigetti and egg for him for you. I wouldn't look at pitches of Peter if I were you. They might turn you fore and stomach.

Come through into the lounge. My or whatever news you will room. I'll describe it today. It's got a very large TV, currently showing police intersectors, and facing that is a sage-green sofa. There's a coffee table in front of the sofa and a brown carpet and to be honest that's about it. Yes, this is my princess's viewing room and the sofa is made through own. Occasionally

Peter is allowed into delivering me eggs or have a quick screw around on me fronties. Forgive me for saying, but the sofa is absolutely filthy. Yes, it's a largely ex-billage and no other seepage. It hardens over time and it's nice to pick out a jarring, for example, a tense interrogation scene in Copscourt on 4th and Bendy. A bit unusual for a TV snack, very different. But do you know what, I like it. Tell me about the stands on the couch.

It ain't from today's upper. All the stuff like blood, like a crime scene. Oh, no. The only decline committed in my house and my husband's orphan 400 nukes. It's not blood, it's just leg ketchup. It makes me swore in leg. It's quite crunchy when it dries, which is nice. You know when you've got an itchy, four-hundred-fourth.

Shall we go into the kitchen and see how Peter's getting on? If we fucking must. Oh Martin from Orbs and the Hammer Love. So describe the kitchen to our listeners Peter. There's a good light. Right well, it's got brown mode cabinets. I really wonder over the sink where you're going can stare at. Sometimes I see you may be to your poor flies in a lower. Sometimes I see a daddy long legs looking at me like I'm just

sitting like an advocate in your book. Either way it's quite a spectacle. Or your poachies are nearly done. How would you like them, Martin? Oh, nice farm york for me, please, and lots of salt and pepper to help with me hangover. Farm yorks, fair f**k of yorks, as your mind turns f**kin' co-he chaotic. That's how I like them, there's nothing unusual about that that is there? Oh, I'm afraid in this house, Martin. It's our way or the highway and our ways. Very fuck and runny. How dare you insult the Princess Canal. Get out of here before I love you, so forgun hard, your knackers will deflate and you'll wake up in Ada Provance covered in bare shit. Oh, message you say, Floudering Clear, I must say that's a very unusual threat, a bit different but I like it, so thank you both and good luck. You're a good lad, baby. Now, through those portches in the next year doors for Gengarden, I can see if they have took a turn towards the fan. Okay, Lord. And that was the end of the end of the wav press stop. Wow. I enjoy that one. I love the Princess Carol. I'm going to buy a

bought on dear Colin Princess Carol. That's my dream now. Recently I did the wringo or marlin trova false quiz. Would you like me to bring that back? God, then I'll have a go. I'll have a go. So if it's correct, it's wringo. If it's correct, if it's true, I'll say free sweeties. Right. And if it's false, I'll say Marlin.

Okay, I'm with you. Does it laugh as well? I might do. Alright let's play. Alright so here we go, ringo Amarlene. Neil Armstrong had to go through customs and immigration when he came back from the moon. True.

Free Sweeties is true. Yeah he did. Bill Gates owns the world's largest collection of dinosaur testicles. False. Bill Gates owns the world's largest collection of dinosaur testicles. Fals! Free sweeties! True, absolutely true. The human brain is 90% fat. True.

Marlene! I did get a laugh. Jilly 60%. I was fine. mine is about 85. Mike the chicken lived 18 months without his head. False. Free sleutie. So true.

So story that Mike the chicken looked at all the kids. And what a life that must have been. Well I love that. 18 months without me, 85% fat. Finally, Chase filled with live maggots is a Mediterranean, Mediterranean delicacy. True. Free sweeties.

It was true. It was true. There's maggots in the cheese and they can leap out. So you've got to cover it with your hands to stop the maggots jumping in your eyes apparently. So hold on, are you saying the maggot is conquered, Lansi, in there? Maybe you are. Does the maggots jumping in your eyes apparently. So hold on, are you saying the maggot is conquered, Lansi in there? Maybe you are.

Does the maggot is the maggot conquered the sea? I think so. Well, you're fissure with them, don't you? Oh, you do, yeah. You know, on this and that. It's not conquering it, though, you're using it. Okay, it was just a four, Andrew. Have you ever tried grenade fishing?

Have you seen that, or have you ever? I've heard of it, yeah. I think it's nice to European thing, they just chuck a grenade in there, lick and then scoop up what was the dick or something. Scull the fish out. There's not much skill involved, don't think. I know that they say that you can go into a little pool

and smack the living shit out of it with a plank or something and that it will stun the fish. You know the vibrations of the water, but I don't know if it's true. I'd love to see you. Maybe that's something if you get another series you could take a bit of that sort of thing. I'm going to do a Scottish tail Android. Young Patrick McSaman was 15 years old and imbibed with much curiosity about how the world

worked. He excelled at school in both the sciences and the arts, and had a sporty bent to boot. He was a favourite amongst the lassies, and they would often contrive to chance across him as he walked the island pathways. One day he was sat alone, overlooking Talokov, thankful for the clarity of the day, allowing him a glimpse of the mainland in a far distance. He closed his eyes and imagined himself striding around the out of town retail-pack with a bottle of iron brewing his hand and a cluster of his mother's outcakes in his pocket. First up would be Home Bargainstor, the marvel at the four pack of goosens in Peril leather on sale for just eight in nine p. It would make him giddy thinking of the quantity of suds contained in those bars. Then across the way to the car park, where he would marvel

at the sheer power and versatility of the Kirchappau-Jliner being used to remove chuddy from the pavements. He would then amble into Kosta Coffee and imagine himself to be employed there. Who can I help you madame? I'll have a tall skinny latte. Certainly you will and would you lull like a rock hard biscuit or a fancy with that. No thank you laddy. Do you have the wayphi code? Yes I do it here on this loyalty card which also grants you a free cup of coffee after

the tenth purchase. Won't that be a date to remember? At that moment he was woken from his reverie by the sound of a lacy giggling behind him. What are you doing here, Patrick McSaman, dreaming of a life away from the island if I'm no mistaken? I, I suppose. Do you mind if I join you? It's my last day before I go into the surface of the Laird.

Well you mustn't be seen in my company, Lassie, then for the Laird will expect you to be chest and reputable. I'll come as near a mound for miles. Allow me one or two moments in your company. At this juncture, the lassie removed her nylanka gul and about ten kilos of Scottish tits spilled out from beneath its clammy embrace. My word lassie, you've plenty tipped to spare. Sure, it's enough to provide about the castle facility for a family of mice.

I, and I see your personal pipe, has responded appropriately, Ladi. It was too Patrick's pipe at lengthened in significance and was moving north at some pace. If the lurchet witnessed this amount of titan pipe in such proximity were done for, I must leave here.

Goodbye lassie. I shall remember you until I am a death." And Patrick ran home as fast as he could. His personal pipe bouncing around his undies like a slug in a tumble dryer. He shook the door behind him and walked into the scollary, where to his great fear and surprise to the hooded man holding a brass telescope. Who are you? In what dear want? Never you mind that inquiry, little laddie. I seen you with my own eyes through this telescope, gazing upon the tit of a lassie bequeathed the lard.

For that you must die. The man lowered his hood, raised up a musket and shot Patrick in the chest. But it was no the musket shut that Keldon. It was what he saw underneath the hood as it was removed. For the man had the face of Andruma. The face of Andruma. The face of Andruma. Of course the face of Andruma

Fantastic well, thank you, past this to the slippers. Yeah, thanks for supporting our podcast and giving us a reason to live Yeah, it's much appreciated Back soon with little bits and pieces. We hope yeah, and yeah, the suds Yeah, and I'm Neil Hunter and I'm loving my fucking lies. Thank you. See ya. Bye bye Thank you.