Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 40: Safety First

Episode Date: June 13, 2024

A new rapper, a job interview, a McClaren podcast, TV tennis, Geordie Heat, a row in Edinburgh, Lawro’s cheeses, and an air fryer rival. (Released via Club Parsnips in August 2023) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello there Bob, how you doing? Hello there Andy, that was very... was it quite sexy what you were doing? I wasn't intent at all, did you find it sexy? Well, no, I implied that that was your your intent. You like me a bit grey and unshaven. Yeah neither of us have had much of a shave recently. Why would we? Why would you? Quite unpleasant. Why should we? Yeah what have we got to gain? Who cares less whether we shave or not? one cares about us of course not the I'm surprised that your youthful edge that you are trying to expand your face here on the screen but have you got gray

beard yeah I thought you would have you would have got that for a few years yeah I see I see I have there it is my head's my head shaved so when it grows out it grows out as kind of white sides, right? I'm 51. It's it's all downhill pretty much from makes me think makes me think and you know, you're not 51 I recently did a DNA test for me actual DNA age Right and the measure the length of a part of your DNA that basically goes to nothing when you die. Yeah So the length of it is such, you know, like you can and I was 59 and I'm actually 63 All right, so you're supposed to die when you're 59

No, my age now is right 59 your My DNA is no my DNA age 59 years old right so and that's what's important that's what will determine that's it because it doesn't you know I could get knocked over by a boss I shot by you with you have you still got one of those rabbit going round blunderbusses someone like that yeah no that could happen I wouldn't show you Bob's a few people I'd like to show but you're not you're not anywhere near the top of the list. Well I'm not on the list obviously. You've been on all of it.

Look at me how old do you think I am? What's my DNA age or what do you think it will be? Looking at you Andy I'd have thought you were probably a sort of true age like 54. like 54 right how old are you? I'm 51. I'm sorry I just said that Andy I know that you're 51 you look 51 you went on holiday to España yeah I went on holiday to Spain yeah there's not much to report because I spent a lot of time sitting around doing out. Were you in the 40 degrees area when you were there when it was really hot? It never got more than about 35 36 so it was it was tolerable and you know once you get in the shade or you get inside where there's air con it's all right. Did you see a lot of dog dirt in Spain? I don't know whether you do or not? No, good question. Didn't see much compared to the UK probably about the same level yeah maybe it's because it's a tourist town maybe if you went to Bilbao or

Valencia you might see a bit more rustic you think there's a bit more dog dirt around and final question on your order what were you were you all inclusive yeah self-catering oh shit man I was to I wanted to know what was that like of the of the buffet but you self-catering. Self-catering yeah. So what was it what was the supermarket you used? The Super Mercado. Super Mercado. There was a Super Mercado about about five minutes walk away so that was nice. And what would you say is the equivalent of? Lidl. Lidl. Although there was actually a Lidl a bit further away which we did visit on one occasion. Which was better come on let your mind up. Was it a Lidl?

It was about the same. Oh about the same? It was about the same. Oh I think the Super Mercado was better so I would say the Super Mercado was maybe like a Morissons. What you said Morrison is below Asda? Morrison's the best I think. Well so you're saying that this Super Mardo or whatever it was is above M&S, above Waitrose, above Sainsbury's. I don't frequent M&S and Waitrose. We don't have a Waitrose in Sunderland. Quite right. I've heard this one in Newcastle but I think it's just rumour. Come Jacketger. I've done a... sorry I've discovered I'll say it this way I've discovered a new rapper lad from the borough from Middlesbrough he sent us this song. If you don't mind I

wouldn't mind playing it I think he's got a chance you know. Alright here we go yeah nice one he's joking aren't you there's dog dirt in my backyard like means me washing lines unapproachable you know so I'll tell you that's that stuff is lethal Todd you know and it can penetrate me crocs so be much simpler if me dog shat rocks safety first, I tell you not. me washing lad remains vibrant despite this onslaught of Todd hey, OI! get off that fucking bridge you doil. the supports are about to give you know some lads messing about with it throwing stuff with the supports like and undermining them so yeah get off the bridge safety first a replacement van service will probably be provided by the council or you could use the footbridge at palester park anyway safety first so there goes Ken in his purple trackie

off to the co-op to buy his backie. He's shit his pants by the state of his walk Walk slowly Ken, plenish your cheeks. Your wife isn't washing now for a good couple of weeks. Save for first kill. Ha! Oh look there, there's a plaster on the move there, he's on his way. Some Turkish laughter from the kebab shop. Ron's been turned away from the mental hospital again. I thought lift delivery's fucked up so... What's the the driver do he eats a doughnut a doughnut safety first you cunt honest don't snack on the job

safety first there you go I'll send that to you Bob alright I'll send it to you Bob alright. Wow that I enjoyed. Do you think he's got a chance? Has he got a name? He's arrived that's his name. MC Burra. Palester Park we'll call him but and the um he's I don't know he sounds a bit scared to me So because I go up the borough I wanted to play after he sent it. Okay, you know what I mean? Yeah No, I like him. He's got a chance. I think yeah chance. His message was nice, I suppose Can I run a couple of names by you? Please please do her you can of course be Honky tonk or you can be Stan Francisco.

Stan Francisco is going to be solid. Stan Francisco, former American, now lives in Bristol on the outskirts. Drives the same kind of car that JFK got assassinated in. Right. Or you can be the human turnstile oh uh it lets you walk up to him and you push past his right shoulder gotcha and he spins around 90 degrees allowing you free access to proceed past him and and you might come across him wherever you tread yeah anywhere he's not at a fixed point just when you walk down the street No and you don't get access to anything important like a football match or anything like that. Just the area behind him. It just allows you to proceed.

Proceed forwards. I'd like to be him please. You'd like to be him? Yes. You'd like to be the human turnstile? I would like to be him yes thank you. That's okay. Thank you for joining us on this short a day the human turnstile. It's alright no worries. No worries hot dogs. us on the show today the human turnstile. It's alright no worries not dogs. Could I ask you I swore a little bit in that song at the top you know yeah the em when you meet people even if you know whether they'll be like 30 year old 50 year old 65 year old for your first couple of meetings are you are you confident enough to swear like you normally would? I know you're a swearer. Would you in front of such... I always try to create a good impression and I don't think swearing does.

No it doesn't does it? You need to try and read the room and sometimes you can swear too early in a friendship and it can do really entire thing. You wouldn't swear like if you went to the bank would you and say I can have a fucking overdraft or anything like that? No, no, no, of course not, no. But if funny enough that bank manager probably, you know, like he's at home swearing like a trooper as well. It's not this funny. It's bound to be.

Say you're outside at an interview and there's another person having an interview. Alright mate, fucking hell I'm shitting myself. Would you say that? Like a job interview? Yeah. Jesus. I can't imagine having a job interview but would you stage a like this you might get one of the butchers age of 54 whatever it is you're looking at what job is it the job you going for I it's you take some job interview roleplay if you want well I'm the fella outside with you you're the

fella though you're the fella trying to give us a job all right but the first question I'd ask is did you swear at that bloke outside no well not with you? No, you're the fella trying to give us a job. Alright, the first question I'd ask is did you swear at that bloke outside? No. Well, I know, you've got no fucking balls. I didn't say any neat though. He seemed like a nice fella. He seemed a little bit religious. No, you're a bit judgmental. He was wearing a crucifix and I thought, I don't need to swear at him. Anyway, why do you want this job? What of your skills do you think? What's the job again? You should know, you should know you little fucker. I've always had an interest in working outdoors. Oh right you are.

Well can I ask you to leave then? Because this is a job man in the ventilator. God, don't fuck your job then. Hold on a minute, maybe you've got something. because this is a job man in the ventilator at the local chute. Fuck your job then. Hold on a minute maybe you've got something. Listen Steve McLaren's got a new podcast did you know that? I didn't know that wasn't aware enough. Have you not heard it?

No. On iTunes, Apple or whatever and all that business. All of them? Yeah I'll play it for you. It starts off with his little he's got a little tune at the top of it here we got a plate for you recorded here Andy number one is the keeper number two is when you sit down and number three is me free favorite things. Welcome to my new podcast where I ask some of my bestest ever friends to tell me what their favourite three things are and today's guest is one of the most wonderful

humpety dumpety donuts of delight in the whole world yes it just has to be my boss Mr. Eric Vanterhaag. So Eric welcome. whatever. so what have you chosen as your first favorite thing but hold on I'm allowed one guess before you answer so is it a Christmas tree covered in flumps and tinsel with a big fat cuddly labrador lying beneath it. No I have no interest in that. I have chosen the study of mathematics. That's not much fun is it boss? Wouldn't you rather study pillow fighting or jelly making or chocolate bars and sunshine? That is my choice. Now may I move on to my second choice? Yes of course you canny ball cunt so what was that nothing just ball hunt it's a new game format i'm working on i see so my second choice hold on remember i get to do

my guess first let me think of dinky donuts is your second favorite thing. A butterfly landed on candy floss in a diversely staffed and well maintained funfair. No, no interest to me at all. My second choice is a compact hybrid SUV such as the Skoda Karoq. The Karoq has been described as a bit sensible shoes but you know what sometimes you know you you know what sometimes sensible shoes are what you need you would buy a compact SUV when you could buy a paddling pool to fill the Smarties and fudge lumps you must be off your rocker to car yaffes you get should get a clown car like me and Casper. Never a dull moment when you're off road on the square wheels. A clown car does not suit my personality like a scooter does.

May I make my final choice? Yes, of course. But not before I've had a guess what it might be. Is your final choice a day out with your bestest friend forever having a puppy cuddling session at the Dog Clown then on to TGI Fridays for some Tex-Mex and bubblegum slush puppy? I would never do that and besides I have no interest in a bestest forever friend. They only end up hurting you. No, my final choice is to have an extra day

of fitness conditioning for the squad every week but that would mean we would lose our day off every week I wouldn't be able to take Casper to the barrier shop for a try on and laughter session or take him to Liverpool for a lunchtime piss up pardon my Portuguese V Tagg actually the more I think about it the more appealing the idea becomes let's do it let's have an extra day training I'll leave it to you to inform the staff and players I will take you back yes ballhunt yes it's a good idea it's a good idea we could play an end

a game at the end of the session. Now I must go and buy myself some arm oil before the lubricant shop shuts. Goodbye. Thank you, Alex Van Taag. Join me next week when my special guest will be choosing their three best things. Number one is the keeper. Number two is when you sit down. and number three is my three favorite things what did you think of it Andy? That's excellent I really enjoyed that very good that reminded me one of the highlights of the holiday was when we went to a cat shelter for people to go and adopt cats or you could just go and visit them and have a look and get get in the big caged area with them and just hang out with the cats. Oh wow. Give them some strokes and that and tickles and things like that and that was lovely. There was a kitten area,

there was a kitten, I'm gonna use the word cage but it was you know big enough for them that exist comfortably. They weren't trapped or anything like that. There's the kitten cage, that was lovely and there was the adult cat cage and one or two of them were incredibly violent. So I got I got scratched by one of them but it was nice. It was nice. That sounds wonderful. They're just pretty bit cross because of the heat I think. I don't want it to pop out of my pocket you know. Yeah that would have just let do all kinds of trouble. We did have because we were in a villa and we did have the local cat who lived in the street that would just come in and visit us and I think it just did that in all the villas in the street. It was like she was the queen of the street she just kind of go around from door to door just going in having a look. Yeah. Come in the villa go upstairs

just help myself that was good. She started out a life and she yeah definitely hate you fancy a quick game of binotone TV master tennis binotone TV master tennis is that where you got a block the ball yeah oh yeah I'll go to two blocks and the two sticks and the ball you got your controller there I said is that on my screen now yeah all right got there I sent you. Is that on my screen now? Yeah. Alright gotcha. I've got you. Here we go. Whoa whoa whoa! Oh you fucker! Did I beat you? I'm not playing that again. No. No. I thought that was the other side. So you lost. Yeah. I can't believe that. We should play that again.

Really good. We'll play it next time. Let's have another game now. The quick one. Alright. So I'm on the right here. Easy. easy easy did you say I'm on the right at the beginning yeah you're on the left was that hey you shouldn't be swearing in this environment.

I know I do, but you should know better Andy. You really should. I've got a new script Andy. From the upcoming Geordie Heats series on Netflix. I'll read the script if you can give me a hand as best as I can. Let's do it. Jordy Heats. Crime on the time. Hot Jordy nights. Jordy streets. Full of crime. Jordy Nights Jordy Streets Full of Crime Jordy Heats

Interior Jordy Squad HQ They've got a new narrator this week It's straight out of my bit posh PC Denise Wills is set to do better that's a multi-patient sort of voice in it PC Denise Welsh is sat alone by the phone eating a chicken balti chief inspector Eddie howe enters with a young lad by his side the young lad is watching something intently on his phone Denise hello boss who's this little scallywag you've got there?

He looks a right little bastard. Yeah, his name is Anthony Gordon and yes he looks incredibly fucking unpleasant doesn't he? But he's volunteered to be a community fucking constable so I'm not going to look that gift horse in the fucking face. Blimey, though a horse would be much easier on the eye only joking son yous look lovely Anthony answers his phone it's a facetime call from Trent Alexander Arnold. Hey Gardo what's up la? I'm not talking to you lad Why not lad? Urgh, cos you pushed me

No I never Yeah you did No I never You pushed me on me neck No lad, you pushed yourself How can you push yourself lad, you fucking did You threw your neck at my home You're as bad as you have gone in Birmingham

Sorry Check, check, you threw your neck at my arm Trent will have to be partly brummy you threw your neck at my arm you're as bad as your mum she was a pusher don't put me that into it the Babs family family's off limits all right son end the fucking call this is an emergency service not a fucking football terrace This is an emergency service, not a fucking football terrace. I gotta go Trent, see you later. Yeah, see you Gardo. At that moment Chief Constable Amanda Staple enters the room.

She's wearing a figure-hugging sequined evening dress. Oh my word! Who's this little ruffian? He looks incredibly unpleasant. I bet he's been arrested. Am I right? No Amanda Byray. This is our latest volunteer recruit Anthony Gordon. It's his first fucking day on the fucking job. Alright girl. Call me Amanda baby and I don't mean maybe. Bet you've never had a boss like me. Am I right?

The phone rings. The phone rings. Denise answers. Hello, Jody Heath, Emergency Hotline. Who am I speaking to, please? Oh, it's Mr Sting from the massive house with the massive gates and the massive drive and the massive herd of giant rabbits. Oh, hello, Mr Sting. so what's the nature of your emergency sweetheart guess no I can't do that mr. Sting it's not a chat line if you don't guess then I won't tell you okay is somebody hurt themselves no don't be daft you miles off and is something on fire oh no! Duh duh! No! Wrong answer! No! Not at all!

That was worse than your first guess! And your first guess was worse than war! What's that you're going on, Denise? Hard. It's Mr Sting. He wants me to guess. What is emergencyous? Pass the phone here or tell him to go and fuck himself with a bike press a phone here or tell him to go and fuck himself with a bike and try no hold on no this is fun I'd like a guess Is there an intruder in the house? Ask him. Am I right?

Denise. Is there an intruder in your house, pet lamb? Duh, duh. No chance. That's a shit guess. Whoever suggested this must have a very misshapen mind or very tight shoes. Next guest please please Signior Rita Anthony that's me oh has he has he dropped his super watch into a big pan of spag bol sir mr. Sting have you dropped your super watch into a pan of spag bol Hinnie is the correct answer wow you took your time though not very good detectives and if you ask me and I am the main man

please send round squad cars forensics and the special suits and the yellow tape and fritters of chicken baldi and the life pudding on the way cut to Sting's kitchen, Eddie Anthony and Sue Webster's there and there by the cookers thing. Everybody in the world says I make the most superb of all times Spag Boy. I once served it to the Sultan of Arabia and he didn't stop crying for a whole week. So who's this unpleasant looking lad? Is he a plumber or a welder come to dig out the plasma and space energy superwatch he's our new fucking recruit it was him who guessed what the fucking emergency was oh I like that I'll fetch you what's for you know what he's could of smart ass is it

well he won't seem so clever when his hand evaporating the super hot spag ball. He isn't even wearing anti plasma gloves. What a common length of cloth! Anthony takes the spag ball off the hob, tops up the pan with cold water and pours it down the sink. He picks out the super watch and cleans it with some kitchen towel. There you go lark. It's good isn't you? It's a nice watch, you should be more careful with it. I don't need advice from you you little fucking elf. How come you knew what happened anyway? I was watching your wife's live pilates stream on me phone

and I heard you shout through to her I'm tripping the fucking space watch in this black ball. So yeah, it's hardly rocket science. Oh, what do you mean by live Pilates stream? Well, my mad's watching it. She's really hot, you know, missus. Yes, she is. She's definitely no shorter than me. Everyone in the world says that. Well, thank you all. I would be lost without my super watch, because it can tell the time in over a thousand galaxies!

Right well if that's all we wish you all the very fucking best in your future endeavors and have a very fucking pleasant evening's thing! Oh hold on there's just one more thing this whole incident has given me an idea for a song I insist you give it a listen. Why waste quiet when don't fucking mind has enough fucking priorities. I know, here goes. Mr Sting, that is the thing. He cooked his bag of ball.

And Mr Sting, because he's the king, it was wanted by one and all. Close up, Anthony's fingernail scratching deep into his thigh. But distracted by a useless fly he flapped his hand and loooww! His watch fell off into the boiling broth. Eight, seven, oink, link and an ss-noooww! Geordie Heats That's the end of the script, nice song Sting. High quality, another high quality episode. I have to read this sponsor thing out at this point. Okey Doke. Athletico Parsnips is delighted to

announce that we're teaming up with Infinity Rocket Plastics and our listeners can now exclusively get an instant same day valuation with absolutely no catches, no small print and no questions asked. Just visit the website now or better still download and use the app and you'll get your instant valuation in seconds or maybe even earlier. Valuations are not guaranteed and can fluctuate. Instant valuation could take 48 hours to arrive and may not be valid at any time. Your personal data will be harvested by Infinity Rocket Plastics and many other anonymous organisations. Tees and C's apply. Who is the company? I genuinely didn't hear the beginning of it. We're just teaming up with Infinity Rocket Plastics, it's through them.

Are you sure that's all I know? Are you sure that's a good idea? You know, Moose, his mind's really bent. He said it was legit. Alright, Claire. So I asked him, he said it was legit. So yeah, there it is. We'll see how that works out. We'll see how it works out for them. See if we ever get paid. I was, I've been up Edinburgh a couple of times this month. Oh, to see the funny people. During the funny people at the Fringe. And there's some of the venues, this

is really good, they keep back a small amount of tickets even from the sold out shows yeah so even if it's sold out you can go along and wait in a separate queue right turn up on the day and it's like pay what you want so even if you're a bit skint you can go and just pay whatever you good idea think it's worth yeah it's inclusive isn't it so i was in the pay what you want queue for um you know liam cassero? He does all the topical stuff. I like the topical stuff. Really good. So anyway, I'm in the queue and I could feel someone standing right up close behind me and whoever it was, they brushed against me. You know when someone's imposing your physical space a little bit and they're too close?

Yeah, drunk probably. It's like that. But I didn't want to turn around and make a scene, I thought they'll realise what they're doing, they'll move back But no, they didn't and I just heard this voice. I've seen you. Oh, it's fucking Corbyn Jeremy Corbyn, the Edinburgh Festival. They said seen you there queuing for free comedy like it's a cheapskate laughs a lot I Said it's not free you pay what you what you want. It's just a different queue. He says, whatever. And then he just walked in front of me. Right.

And took the place in front of me in the queue. I says, hey, you've pushed in. You've pushed in there. He says, no I didn't. He had. He says, what's your best laugh? Best laugh? I don't know what he meant.

I thought he could say, what's your best push in? Best laugh? Yeah, I don't know what he meant. I thought he could say what's your best pushing? Best laugh? Yeah I don't know what he meant. Longest? Most laughs in one show? I don't know. So I says what do you mean? He says decibels you tit! Ah right. I say I don't know 89? Is that high? I think that's got, it's an amount innit? It's an amount. I says 89. He just wants me to shut up. He says, Ha! Ask me mine! Go on, ask me! I said, what's your best laugh, Jeremy? Labour leadership election 2015 when I batted all those fucking bedwetters!

And then he stretched his legs like really wide apart with his feet as far apart as you get them. You know like a downward facing V almost. Just in front of me. I said, what are you doing? He says, this is the internationally recognised symbol for keeping a place in a queue for your best mate. Oh God, he's not with him is he? I thought is it fuck?

And then his mate turns up. Stands next to him, fucking King Charles isn't it? Oh God. And he says, who's this prick then, Jez? And then he says, so what are you doing here? Your majesty? Your majesty, something like that, yeah. He says, I'm just having a look round, thinking of starting my own comedy festival all around

the city. Gonna call it the Edinburgh Squiff. I says, what's a Squiff? He said, it's the haircut Elvis Presley used to have. It means a quiff. Oh right, I've got you. Not a Squiff. And you know what, it's got fringe and quiff. It just takes your hairstyle in it. I've got you. I said, look you've just described the Edinburgh Fringe. It's an established festival. You can't go around nicking festival formats this is how you do the fuck I like sunshine I'm the fucking king now one phone call from me half an hour from now you'll have a Chinese burn on each of

your wrists fucking try me I hope you didn't didn't I just I just saw a shrunk I visibly shrunk like a little mouse man and then the the venue staff member started letting people in and anyway they were the last two to get in in front of me. You missed Liam Casserole? So I didn't even get in to see Liam Casserole. Oh dear, well I'm sorry to hear that. It's such sad an anecdote well that's another couple of questions from the from the person that business a couple here I saw one which was are you aware of the thermo mix pisses the air fryer

into a cocked hat apparently I know some Polish lads who swear by them but costs 1500 quid on the Amazon I mean I have looked it up it does look it's a real thing it chops fries grates steams grills but doesn't look a very big unit I mean you I don't think you're gonna get a chicken in there. Is it like a Swiss Army knife of cooking? yeah it's and what's it called a thermal mix? yeah and you can only buy it off a representative like there might be one in your county, true! Like a licensed retailer? you know just someone from the home and if you buy off them it's 1200 quid is that because they dangerous no I think

it's because is the and so people buy them obviously and then put them on to Amazon straight away for like 15 1600 quid right I tell you knows it really well is that way you know from Slaughter's right yeah I think he's on the website yeah there is a click this button and he says what it does. Hang on, I'll click it. Skills, chop, do, fucking turbo, pre-clean, blend, fucking egg boiler, cattle, bastard warm up,

thicken, rice cooker, fucking fermentation fermentation slow cook sauce feed pay la creating fucking slice it yeah it's a lovely friendly voice you know for any interested vendor you know it's got in. It's got me tempted. I like it. I look at it. It is small though isn't it? It's done a bit too small you know like it sounds like excellent but it's too small if you says it says it can peel spuds perfectly right but how many spuds are you going to get in there? Two? No I'm suspicious of that. I'd have to see one in the flesh but uh yeah there's another question from Brad McAnaney yeah can Mark Lawrence do his top 10 cheeses can he so I sent it off he sent me back to one that's nice of him we'll play that see what he says

and Mark Lawrence said these are my top 10 cheeses sub 10 br Number 9, any German cheese. Number 8, Gorgonzola. Number 7, American square sliced cheese. Number 6, goat's cheese, preferably not from a goat. Number 5, halloumi. Number four, Laughing Cow. Full fat, not the slimmer's version. Number three, Cheddar, the stronger the better. Number two, Primula. Any cheese you can pipe out of a tube straight into your mouth is a hit with yours truly. And number one, favorite cheese, Babybel. Oh Mark. there we go I mean I was thinking about baby Belle talking to my wife about the other night watching the telly

does it taste of anything no it tastes of nothing it's just a texture it's like starter cheese for your kids is that the idea I think so that's what I did with my kids. Yeah, they got into baby bell. It's got an element of a puzzle as well because they've got to obviously get the wax off at first. Yeah. You teach them to get the wax off because it then teaches them boundaries, I think. Me and the wife were getting a bit annoyed with it for being so shit, but actually I hear what you say. It's a starter cheese. Yeah. Not a bad idea. It's not for people with DNA age like us yeah it's for it's for the youngsters right well i think that's probably about it for this one thank you parsnip and sorry we've been away for so long um hope you've enjoyed it see you next time yeah thank Thank you.