Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 44: Fish Truthers

Episode Date: January 28, 2025

Safety, snake vaping, a distance quiz, a door, and a hot tub dreamer.(Originally released to Club Parsnips members in July 2024)Join Club Parsnips at https://www.patreon.com/athleticomince Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Bet Mode activated. The ScoreBet app here with trusted stats and real-time sports news. Yeah, hey, who should I take in the Boston game? Well, statistically speaking... Nah, no more statistically speaking. I want hot takes. I want knee-jerk reactions. That's not really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? Or...

Ugh. The ScoreBet. Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 Plus, Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to ConnixOntario.ca. ["The New York Times"] Are we started? Is this it? Is this the thing? Yeah the door was shut so we can start. Alright Andy. Yeah hiya. How are you doing? I'm very well thank you very much. You're

in a very bright yellow, the brightest of yellows Primrose yellow t-shirt. Primrose yellow you say? Would you say? I'd just say yellow, canary yellow maybe. Canary's better. Canary yellow. I don't know if it suits you, I'm not saying it doesn't, I don't know. It's a lot to take. What do you think's wrong with it? Well your complexion isn't exactly Mediterranean, more than usual. Well I'm back from holiday, I've got a little bit of colour about my face, and I thought I'm still kind of in holiday mode. We're in London today, it's sweltering, so I thought, I looked at the weather forecast, I thought hey go go canary yellow stay with that holiday vibe why not. Yeah and your little shorties, your little waddling, your little waddling legs sticking out.

And you're wearing a shirt and jeans? Yeah because I'm showing you respect. Oh right, is that the kid that are podcasting? M&S, linen. Nice. You know what I mean? Do you sweat much? No I'm not that much of a sweater. Right. I'm beginning...anyway. So, you told me to know. I'll pass it, but thank you so much. I just wanted to get a few things off my chest and... What have you got? Two things. I didn't know he was supposed to get a few things off his chest. Fuck, fuck, fuck. I just walked up here, it's hot in London today right, and I walked up Berwick Street which is a street food market. You're familiar with street food? All the flavours of the world. Food from off the street.

Yeah, but it's not just off the pavement. I'll chuck something in, if I can. Go on. In the street food subject, there is a Japanese street food van that has opened up in Sunderland on the outskirts of Sunderland in the car park of Abingo Hall. Good lad. Now is that street food or is that just a food van that's parked in a car park? It's Japanese. It's got a sign that says Japanese food. It doesn't say Japanese street food. It might do actually.

Have you tried it? Not yet. Get fucking down and report back. Right we'll do. Do you know what I mean? I know Japanese food, Andy sushi, nigiri, tempura. Okay anyway what were you talking about? I was talking about street food and I went past and it all looked delicious and all that and everything and I got to one which I understood which was beef burgers and that's all I think right. I don't think that's street food. Well it says beef burgers and that sort of thing right I don't think that's street food well it says beef burgers and chips and that nine quid next to it hot dog and chips seven quid right and on these street food ones here they have a mock up of it right you know they have made one and so you can see what you get are

they real or are they plastic? oh fuck I wish I'd poked one I think they were real right if not they're good. So they make one at the start of the day and put it out cold so you can have a look. Yeah. I like that. But I got so annoyed with myself really for being such a fart. The sausage in the hot dog was a sausage. Yeah. So it's not hot dog. So it was advertised as a hot dog. And I see this too much you say out at the football grounds now. Does it not get to you if it's hot dog or hot dog and I see this too much you see out the football ground now does it not get to you if it's hot dog I'm on hot dog yeah yeah I would totally agree we can get around there now and bring bring the full might of trading standards down on them but to be honest yeah instead of an episode yeah

we'll end it now and the listeners will get four minutes but we now leave and we activate the trading standards emergency response unit yeah whatever it is and bring them down hot dog response slash their tires HDR yeah well no I'm completely thank you for supporting me on that because I was feeling a bit like a grumpy you know like yeah it's nice to be in the studio because I managed to come via Carnaby Street which I usually do. Oh you stroll up and down there don't you? When you walk down Carnaby Street you never know what you might see some open use of heroin or maybe antihistamine. I'm not a doctor. No listen up Andy, you said to me something like that you came out of your hotel this morning and there was a a pet for us and the...

No no no you've completely no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no Completely misunderstood what I said. I drove down yesterday and I parked the car at Newark Northgate and then got the train the rest of the way. Because I don't trust the rail system. So I split the journey up. But anyway, that's my, you know, little foible if you like. So I parked the car across the road from the train station and there is a home base. There is a B&M. There is a home bargains. I think there might be a boot, I'm not sure and there's a fucking pets at home as well. A fucking pets at home. So if I get there nice and early for

me train, no delays on the drive down, I can have a nice mooch about in the retail park before I jump on the train. You're lucky, that sounds a decent retail park. I feel very lucky. The footprint of them are very different. The one, there's two I use. One of them I used to write when I write my incredible novels. Yeah. I used to go to one. That was Pets at Home. When are these incredible novels coming out? Well you've got to plug one. I've got one coming out the end of August. Oh right. Oh that's incredible isn't it? Oh wow man. It's about planning permissions very exciting I had a run of pets Halfords M&S food store what used to be staples but it's it's not but it's the same stuff then behind me at the rear of me car I could see in me rear view

mirror if I wanted to check good positioning Costa Gregg's yeah something else and I can't remember right that's not a run. It's a good run and you sit in your car at the rate you're booked here. If I'm struggling, sat on me settee. Yeah. I go down the retail park. Good writing tip there for all the, wanna be novelists out there listening to the podcast.

But I did wanna mention Andy that there's another footprint, the one in Tumbridge near me, that goes B&M, Iceland Food Warehouse, the big Iceland right Costa M&S food all what do you think of that as a run that's a strong run it's strong in it is do you write books there as well I haven't written there do you know why I haven't written there why is that because check this out and you this will fuck this will bend your mind out inside out on the opposite side of the road is a dinosaur themed crazy golf oh yeah that is a day out I couldn't

write there I couldn't write I just see them in me rear view window and I'd want to join them blimey 18 holes 9 holes what I've do not never done it my kids are too old by the time it was could you go on your own do you think or would that be weird? how do you feel about some safety related advice I've got some have you got some I've got some here I'll do this now it's been delivered via Chris Tibbs is it Chris Tibbs is it safety advice? it's Chris Tibbs I don't know how pro safety Chris is but we'll give it a listen. Well if he's not pro safety he's gonna get, if Mickey Dixon's gonna haunt him down. Well I don't know they had a rap battle recently which

ended in a victory for Mickey Dixon I think but Chris Tibbs has sent some call it advice if you like we'll just see see what he says says. Hi Chris Tibbs here. Straddling the Sunderland Peatley Axis generally keep an eye out for flagrant violation of safety etiquette. You fucking know you love to see it. Young Ian Parsons just drove by there on one of them shitty electric bike things with the you know the fat tires. Treads so smooth you could eat your dinner off them. Knee helmet obviously and I'm pretty sure I've seen him stick his tongue out at the deputy mayor as he rode by him. It's forecast to absolutely piss it down in the next hour or so. So I'm expecting to see them hauling him into the back of an ambulance by T-time.

Safety first. Important safety never. Ooh. Hey! Hey! Hey! Disappointed to see the loony left back in government again. They'll be ramping up the safety regulations before you know it. But be via the back door like, you know, like they always do.

Safety by stealth you'll you'll not be able to fart down wind without picking up a fixed penalty notice or some kind of soppy fucking street marshal safety never hey hey it's Frank Madison over there his daughter's back home she left home went off to do a. He didn't agree with it but he's happy to mark her return back to the fold. Got a massive bed sheet hanging out of his bedroom window upstairs. Celebratory message, daubed on it in pink paint and there's a full barbecue on the go, on the patio right underneath it. That sheet's gonna go up like an absolute fucker safety first safety foot more like no any

spell could have failed longer no but that's all right i'm not here to judge no one Chris Tibbs straddling the Sunderland Peterly axis and check it out for the time being. Hey! Hey! Well I'm a bit suspicious Tim so I don't know whether he gives a fuck about safety or not. I didn't give a fuck about safety. I've been in touch with Infinity, OMS and all that.

And thanks to Matt Moose and his staff at Infinity Rocket Plastics I've got myself a feed from Steve McLaren's house. It's from when he was he was watched him and Caspar were watching Spain England Euro final. Yes. It's a nice occasion to be watching. Yes I think. It was about 10 minutes before kickoff when my feed starts Steve's in the kitchen preparing the snacks and Casper's curled up on the sofa waiting for the national anthems. Steve was the first to speak. So you have a choice Casper. He's shouting through from the kitchen you see. You can have a fun and laughter bar ice cream lolly. Casper shakes his head. He doesn't want that Andy.

Okay Casper. He started calling them Casper shakes his head. He doesn't want that Andy. Okay Casper. He started calling them Casper. A pink candy floss cloud with a walnut dusting that I've giggled on. Casper shakes his head. Don't want that. Oh Casper you can be a fuss pot. A creamy pot of rainbow flavors with a hundred delightful sprinkles of happiness. Casper shakes his head. Fuck that. He's heard just in the distance. Oh stop being so difficult will you Casper? Your final choice. Right a candy cigar with a licorice and chuckles coating and the name Casper down the side made out of mummy and daddy sugar crisps on shine. Casper. That will do nicely. Oh thank god for that, I'll say Casper.

Just as Steve's placed the snacks on the coffee table, Mark Lawrenceon and his nephew Jack Grealish walk into the house. Oh hello guys. Make yourself tump, I'm so glad you could make it for the big massive match. Oh right Uncle Steve, says Jack, I brought you a jar of mayonnaise and a bottle of vinegar, you know, as a kind of thank you. Oh you needn't have Jack, but that's so kind that it's won my heart a bursting point and filled my tummy with gladness and hope.

As Jack goes to hand the gifts over to Steve he trips up on the cigarette paper on the floor from when Casper was rolling his joint. The vinegar bottle flies from his hand and smashes into the snack table. Oh what the fiddly fuck are you doing you dirty bastard that's all me snacks tainted. Casper's gonna go and pongo on us! Ah you stupid boy! I told you not to make any sudden movements without my permission! I'm really sorry everyone. My foot just came up right hard and awful and sudden against the cigarette paper and from that moment onwards a fall was inevitable. Cigarette paper? Casper have you been on the puff again you silly bastard? I've told you I don't want that stuff in the house. Casper shakes his head, curls his tail over the vape that is beside him on the sofa.

You better not have been. If I catch you I'll hide the funny laughter bars in the freezer in the cellar and that will cause you pain and uncomfortable feelings of yearning sorry about the lad Steve I'll get him sat down ready for the match whilst you clean up the vinegar incident here take this pack of Belinda wipes they are super absorbent and kind to your skin Jack sits down next to Casper and Mark sits on the recliner face in the TV. Yeah looks like I've got the prime viewing spot. Nice rig Steve, 65 inch Samsung OLED with motion tracking and soundbar. Very nice indeed. I prefer the LG OLED range interface. But it's personal preference I suppose. Steve finish up cleaning the vinegar.

My word Matt, these Belinda wipes really are the diddly danged uber do. Much thicker and manageable than your standard wipe. No doubt about it Steve. My wife Barbara spewed up an entire platter from the German Doner Kebab shop when she was cleaning indeedy's rabbit hutch. Only took two Belindas to clear the lot. Barbara's sick, tends to be very car stick indeed. when she was cleaning indeedy's rabbit hutch only took two Belinders to clear the lot and Barbara's sick tends to be very caustic indeed

can all go to the toilet please Uncle Mark ah bloody hell Jack the anthems are about to start I'm sorry Uncle but I've got that insistent feeling in me pelvis that indicates I'm ready to water the lawn as it were that's okay Jack Cas Casper showing the way please will you me little saucepan of love and affection and toffee lime dreams. Casper gets off the sofa and Jack follows him upstairs falling every other step so changing to an arm and leg crawl. the match kicks off. Mark can't resist

giving a running commentary. refs don't seem to bother anymore throw in on the halfway line foul throw there's a surprise throw in etc half-time arrives and Steve and Mark realize that Casper and Jack haven't resurfaced they both go upstairs to find them they are both lying on Steve's bed Jack has dressed up in one of Steve's lightweight poly cotton light blue shortleeved easy iron shirts and a pair of his but line his a-line beige comfort slacks they're both pissing themselves laughing Casper is taking a huge suck on his vape the air is thick with the smell of skunk oh my very fucking god you two off your bollocks get up Jack I'm taking you home to your mother right now fuck off says Casper you look like a bollard you know like concrete bollard in the car park no I do not you can't possibly believe that you just say that

because you're for your nut do I look like a concrete bollard Steve you fucking sound like one says Casper Jack and Casper crease up Mark grabs Jack and marches him out of the house Steve grabs the skunk vape and marches down to the cellar to hide it in the freezer as he opens the freezer lid he hears the cellar door lock behind him Casper has imprisoned him and is now sat on the sofa watching the footy and licking on his candy cigar Casper let me out come on and lock this door has it kicked off yet let me out or you won't get any cuddles or soft moments this week. Caspar Caspar just do as you

were tiddly-toot-art old. Caspar buries his arse further into the cushion and smiles so hard it's as if a thousand delightful stars have exploded in the center of his heart. So thank you Infinity. Yes very good we would like to add that we do not believe that the actual Jack Grealish has ever smoked skunk. Absolutely not. Not these fetters of fiddle any. It could be. Bet Mode activated. The ScoreBet app here with trusted stats and real-time sports news. Yeah, hey, who should I take in the Boston game? Well, statistically speaking...

Nah, no more statistically speaking. I want hot takes. I want knee-jerk reactions. That's not really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? Or... The ScoreBet. Trusted sports content, seamless sports betting. Not really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? Or... Ah... The Scorebet.

Trusted sports content. Seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 plus. Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to connexontario.ca. If you're looking for flexible workouts,

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And Peloton has everything you need, whenever you need it. Find your push. Find your power. Peloton. Visit Peloton at OnePeloton.ca Shall we do some questions from the past nippers at this point? Yeah, I haven't had time to see them but I'll try my best. Well I'll hit you with one straight away here from Joe Harling.

Hi Bob and Andy. Hi Joe Harling. What are your opinions on Morse code? Outdated, old-fashioned. Do you think so? I think it's had its time. I think it's had its time. Yeah you know used it recently. I've used it ever in my life. Never ever, not even SOS. I've watched it on submarine shows and that's that kind of thing. Well you haven't got a machine that can produce it yourself? Well I could do it and be... You dirty bastard! Yeah I know, it's rude isn't it? Sorry I'm not interested in that, I apologise. Fair enough. Martin Williams says what are your thoughts on the petrol station jet wash? I think he means as a concept rather than a specific one.

A jet wash? Petrol station jet wash. Petrol's jet wash. Well I used to enjoy them when I was a bit younger. Yeah. You know. You went and took advantage of them did you? Did when I was a bit younger. But now I use the one where they've got five or six blocks. Right. You know. Hand over the windowsill. Do you see in your car while they're doing it I sit stand outside watching and vape in an eating a sausage yeah I've never done the petrol station jet wash I'd be self-conscious right being on display really I'd feel I'd feel naked probably well you kind of hidden well some of me know there's one local to me where you're not. Like the middle of a fucking roundabout or something. Aye so I just no not for me

I have got a jet washer I might turn it onto the car at some point see if that works. If you had to get a tattoo right this very second on the spot says David McIntosh what would you get done? Well I've always wanted to have like a food item you know KFC or you know chili chicken. Probably hot dog would be nice. Hot dog would be nice. Yeah with a face on it. And a little cat passed away I wrote his name in black Sharpie. Sharpie Andrew was the pen that was launched in this country by David Beckham the footballer. It didn't exist before David Beckham. But David Beckham launched them in this country. Right because they've been very big in America for a long long time yeah. Did Beckham bring them over or was he just hired to...

I think he was just hired to do it and the um what was I going to say and so it was Mervis. Well I did the A of the Mervis as a pink heart. Nice. And I thought it looked very nice and one day I might get that done. So it was Pink Sharpie was it no the pink was done with a like a fluorescent marker pen it's getting complicated now I know it is it's quite a lie it's so listen do you want a quiz yeah go on and call me a shh call me a call me a f*** shit oh that's what I was thinking and I'll give you a quiz. Give us a quiz you fat shit. Thank you. This quiz Andrews football grounds which is nearest and which is further from its nearest

weather spoons. Oh I see you've took shit form and you've twisted it. Yes just for a little tiniest of twists on it. You can have Reading, Peterborough or Norwich. Is this quiz got a name? We could call it... what have we got? Peanuts? Don't waste any more time on coming up with a name for it. What is it? Reading? Peterborough? Norwich? In order. The closest is going to be Peterborough and then we've got Norwich and then Reading not bad Andy close not right no you're not right it's not bad though you got a couple right you know the one right ready and Norwich is the closest 0.6 miles it's called the Queen of a Seany right and Peterborough of 0.9 read in 1.3 miles that's yeah track is really in and out of town ground yeah that's what i was thinking yeah

well i tried did you enjoy it or shall i never ever enjoy it very much oh okay then i'll be offended that you took from centre spot to shit farm and if anything made it worse but what can you do what can you do andy? what's behind the door yes or no yes or no what's behind the door I don't know I don't fucking know behind the door returns not for people who don't know this is where Andy gives three scenarios yes yes yes one of them invariably involving a drunk a cup of milk so let's see what comes maybe I've changed the format slightly here we go three three doors three

scenarios behind and you got tell us whether you go through the door and have a closer look number one a dry riser inlet but there's two one is dry riser inlet north one is dry rise at inlet south and they're right next to each other. Do they have a wheel operation or a lever? Can you tell me anything more about that? If you can't don't worry. No I can't. Okay. It shouldn't matter. Alright. Are you going in or what? Matters to me. You've got to say yes or no now you can't decide. No I'm not't go in no why because I don't know what operate it what uses you can operate it but you didn't say the way

I'm not trained but in an emergency any responsible member of the public second door the middle class all of them all of them there I'm not bothered I'm sorry I'm not the fucking lot fucking lot of them. No I'm not bothered. No, fair enough. Ackar Bilk. Oh here we go. On a 1970s racer bike attempting to do a wheelie on it. It gets it off the ground once, half a second, no more. He then throws the bike against the wall, goes at it with a lump hammer. He is of course shitfaced. I'll go and see Ackar build things. You tempt me, you want such a tentress. Look at that. So how do you operate them? I don't know. Andy showed me a picture of a dry riser in that north and a dry riser in that south. I definitely probably would go for north. Yeah. There's a there's a bicycle, there's a hmm. I wish I'd gone in now without you showing me a visual of them.

Yeah, could have had a closer look. There's like a stopper isn't there and a chain. Well this was near Kings Cross last night. You're a very lucky lad. And as soon as I saw it I thought of you and there you are it's in the ring. You could have gone in but you chose not to so. Topics of interest Andy. Oh God. Just trying to tempt you. Just bear them in mind unless one of them just grabs you yeah. Do you still keep framed family photos on a shelf or a sideboard you know or is this tradition fading away

don't have a sideboard do you have a show you have any way you could put family photos walls on top have you got any walls no I think I should though I often think I should I have artwork on there I often think oh I've't got pictures of the kids artwork what is it like a poster of Jack Clark Dobbins that I've done oh you've done yeah tell them to draw on the wall or sharpie do you Andrew notice temperature differences between the major supermarkets yes very much so thank you can we discuss it well my local Saintsbury's can get very cold in the chilled aisle yeah very un-palletably cold yeah wow yeah see I find funny when I went to Winchester the other day right

thought it was really chilly yeah and the M&S was very nice temperature right you know didn't like I didn't know it notice either way yeah but I went to them in the same day right so there is differences I've got quite a hot body so I don't really feel it that much but yeah but the Sainsbury's it does affect me now and again yeah Sainsbury's thank you very much um desert island tin food have I asked you this before you've asked me this one before did you choose what you were gonna have? You chose fucking ravioli. I chose tin ravioli. Tin ravioli. And you got the ump because I didn't choose Ambrosia cream rice. Okay.

Hello Robert. Oh no. Go on. Go on. It's dear you. Do not be alarmed, do not eat and piss your knickers Robert, man fucking hell, alright gore, how are you Robert? I'm alright thanks, good good, I've been away on a long and restorative woodland retreat in the Bristol area, nice, prison? that's a fucking wicked rumour, how weird man would you think I am? Anyway, sorry, how are your chakras right now? I think they're fine. They're aligned with the firmaments and the constellations, all the localities and seas

and all that. Yeah, I'm feeling pretty balanced as you'd say. Do you have a hot tub? No, I don't know. We've had some very hot weather lately, I think it would be wonderful if you invested in a hot tub very relaxing the bubbles they're very very putic you know they ebb and they flow so very soothing so i come around and try it when you get it well um if i get one i'm not probably just gonna use it with my family i can't do th Thursdays or Sundays. Well no thanks. I'll come

around twice a week once you've got it in store. You just let me know. I'll bring my own towel who my brother and I will share it. He's not my actual brother. Actually I'm going to be going on another long and restorative woodland retreat soon in the Brixton area. Do you have an expensive set of luggage that I could borrow from you for a while? I do have some luggage. Don't you think it's shit or cheap? No it's not shit. It's not the most expensive. Right. Well I'll come round on Monday and I'll have an hour or two in the hot tub and

then get the luggage from me. No, no thanks. How does that? About 6pm? No thank you. You'll be having your tea then? I will have finished the tea by then. and get luggage from me. No, no thanks. How was that? About 6pm? No thank you. Maybe having your tea then? I will have finished my tea by then. Well I could go in the hot tub without you while you have your tea. Oh going down the goo is disappearing fading from vision.

Oh thank God for that. That guru fella came in. Oh is he back again? Yeah. Christ alive. I know I want an octub but if I get one I'm going to have to have him in his... Oh have you been thinking about getting one? He's got one towel he shares with his brother who's not his brother. Oh man alive. Oh dear.

Right I reckon that's about it then. Thanks to the parsnippers for... Thank you parsnippers, thanks for your questions and for listening to us and indulging us and everything. Thank you very much and goodbye I was out for a couple of drinks at the parlor last night and I got, well they were doing food and I got what was on the, was it on the starters? I was on the sides and it was chips with an alioli dip and a sprinkling of cheese and it was basically, it was like the size of this fucking cup. It was like a little bucket, tin bucket with fucking eight chips in it. Yeah. Eight fat chips, eight quid. Quality? It's alright. Alright. I mean I'm not

gonna say it was shit. It's kind of the best you'll get in London fish and chips, the other were alright. Hmm. You know but mostly you'll wish you weren't bothered. I wonder why it is? I'll tell you what I think fish and chips in general have plummeted in quality the last few years. Could be Brexit, could be me, don't know. I've got a funny feeling I'm not bad with fish Andy. I consider myself a bit of an expert and I think there's some strange fish being served up. Yes. Don't you agree? The quality is not what it was. I don't think you're getting necessarily getting cod when you are we developing into the realm of fish

truthers are we gonna start a movement Lawrence Fox involved I just have a feeling the great I agree there's a grayness I like and a flatness to it that suggests it's not card or I'd look don't know what it is, you're down south so there's a different complete vibe, but even up north where fish and chips have thrived for decades, generations, centuries, it's not the same. Oh well that's sad to hear that. I did go, I was back up in Middlesbrough,

sometimes get there a bit early for the match and I go up to some of the chippies I used to go with my youth. The chips are still quite nice. Yeah. But they're only gonna fish in and out. Bet mode activated. The ScoreBet app here with trusted stats

and real-time sports news. Yeah, hey, who should I take in the Boston game? Well, statistically speaking. Nah, no more statistically speaking. I want hot takes. I want knee-jerk reactions. That's not really what I do. Is that because you don't have any knees? Or...

Ugh. The Scorebet. Trusted sports content. Seamless sports betting. Download today. 19 Plus. Ontario only. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or the gambling of someone close to you, please go to connexontario.ca.