Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 46 And A Half: Cool Petrol Guy

Episode Date: April 1, 2025

Parsnippers questions, quizzing, singing, that sort of thing. (Originally recorded for Club Parsnips on 17/9/24 https://www.patreon.com/c/athleticomince) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Alright Andrew how you doing? Hello there Robert how you doing? I'm doing fine thank you. Erm, information this is not a full, fully fledged parsnips. It's a, what do you want to call it? Half parsnip? A cack handed fully fledged parsnips it's what do you want to call it half parsnip? A cack-handed attempt at parsnips? Demi parsnips? Semi parsnips, loose parsnips. It's a very loose parsnips and it

commences with a song Andrew. Which song? It's called it's slender people I have done it before but it's got new words so it's like a new a new song slender people's socks often fall off so slender people are happier in crocks slender ladies can hide behind young trees but slender people can fall over in a breeze lambs liver is tasty but burns easily in the pan Pork mince is quite versatile but can end up tasting bland Ox tongue is more circular than say a lamb chop or a ham Tomorrow I shall kill again this time in Cumberland

Yes! So that's something Andy That was something yes and I think that set the tone really for what this episode could achieve do you remember Andy Andrew do remember when fish and chips were wrapped in newspaper do you remember I remember that and you'd get ink yeah honest you'd get ink on your brass and from the vinegar and you were out of Pearson's brass and stern remover and you cried so hard that your eyeballs shrank and fell out onto your Richmond sausages do you remember that remember

that yes all right but do you remember when they used to show two films at the cinema remember remember that in the interval you would get a hot dog and the mustard would drip into your brass hand hinge and influence its movement and you would get so frustrated you scream so hard your face you remember this Andrew your face is turning on itself revealing two little sparrows and one would fly off to Barclays Bank and one to Lloyds Bank and both would explode on entering the respective buildings do you remember that I remember that very well do you remember conductors on buses remember that and they print your ticket for a little machine and when they handed it over it was so flimsy you couldn't grip it with

your brass hand so you have to take it in your lips and they instantly dried up and you couldn't speak to tell the driver that your hiatus hernia had ruptured and sepsis was devouring your guts do you remember that yes you remember that yeah I think we all remember that there you go I know it's a bit of fun right we're gonna do some more of the questions that came in from the past and it was because there was a lot there was really really lots of good ones. Well, there isn't always but I was stunned by the high quality. Let's give it a go Here's one. This is a very good one from rushing Thomas What do you do with your non pump hand when you're putting petrol in the car? Oh

Non-pump visualizer. I have I visualize it. Yeah, I Hold me petrol cap Then I put it in me bonnet. I'd say sometimes I know I point at the air pump machine You know that weather put your foot air in just I have a vague memory of sort of pointing towards the barbecue memory of sort of pointing towards the barbecue briquettes and all that you know yeah and sort of wondering about the life of the lorry driver that delivered the barbecue stuff you know as well as pointing to them do you just like verbalize what they are like you'll point at them and go air pump machine point the barbecue briquettes and go barbecue briquettes I certainly internally I do oh look at them briquettes and kindling there hey I

wonder about the fellow who delivered them wonder how his likes going and then I had a it's quite weird because this question came in the day after I'd seen somebody using what I described as a new pumping method. He was leaning against his car looking at the numbers going around and holding, was it his right hand? Yeah, it had been his right hand holding the nozzle into the hole. So he wasn't facing the car and looking, which I think most people do don't they? I think so, yeah. He'd adopted what looked like a really relaxed almost kind of cool guy kind of pose yeah so he's just like leaning back against his car not not looking at where the pump was okay looking at the numbers I found it

unsettling. I mean it's quite tricky to look cool at the petrol station because entrance is free you know what I mean. It's an everyman sort of place but more maybe it's a good place to look cool. I mean have you seen. I might get a pair of AVA sunglasses and put them on next time before I go in. You'd look alright her but wouldn't you. Do you think? Well with your spherical head. I have a spherical head I'm not being nasty we both got football heads, but you know the Did you know there's a make of car and I can't identify it But one of them comes with a petrol cap and I've seen people they pull the trigger on the petrol Yeah, they insert the petrol cap under the trigger

Let go of the whole unit and it just keeps on going do you understand me? so it's got a mechanism they use it as a wedge they use it as a wedge to keep it and then they just don't I don't like that I'd like the steering control I think of the distribution of petrol okay and if you're a nervous petrol station customer it's not for you no no no no no no no no no no no no I'm not nervous I like to land on an exact like figure if I'm putting 20 quid in I like to land exactly on 20 pound well I think yeah yeah but I don't want to get up to like 19 pound 93 and then do a lot of little squirt squirt squirt squirts

yeah to get up to 20 quid I want to land bang on 20 quid if I go over the top. Hey, I don't mind I don't hate it when you have to do squirt squirt squirt squirt squirt You know and then it goes over the top You know wife's gonna do your things give her the receipt like and she'll say that I bought them what fits the end Yeah, that's a good question very good question and here's one i think is a nice question i think it's important i think it's an excellent question do you have any idea as to what sex et is it's simply alien and therefore not a sex um no i i just think it's a fella I think it's a fella and I think it's

something to do with that finger yeah yeah the magic finger I think I don't know makes me think it's a fella yeah we're getting quite psychoanalysis here we've had old petrol pump and we've had the little magic finger of ET it's all it's it's a therapist dream so far far this episode, I think. I think he's a fella, because he fancies the mom of the family. Right, what makes you say, he gives her a certain look, does he?

Yeah. It'd be easy to say, yeah, he does, and he's a woman, so that means he's a lesbian. But I don't think, back in 1982, gender stereotypes were fixed, and I think he's a woman so that means he's a lesbian but I don't think back in 1982 the gender stereotypes were fixed and I think he's a little fella. Little fella. He too, little fella. Oh, he too little fella?

So here's the question, it's a bit long, from David Gregory. Have either of you two ever signed on the Dole? I made the decision to sign on for six months after finishing his degree I knew once I was on the career ladder it would be very difficult to get off so I made the most of it by drinking with me best friend during the day playing badminton swimming in a sports center I think every five to ten years people should be allowed to take a six month Dole secondment to fanny about and have a daft laugh what do you reckon? Yeah I'm into that I think it's a great decision that he made.

Great idea, isn't it? These days they've got you going for job interviews and they have to keep going in and do courses and stuff. That's really hard. Or they'll sanction you if you don't do as you're told. I think it's hard to just go on the Dole and just stay there now like people used to. God, it used to be so easy easy I remember be late 70s or early 80s I took six months to a year off in Brighton on the dole and I still remember those that I would we had of you know I used to do patterns in the carpets drawings in the carpets using the weft of it I used to go out midday

by four ounces of lamb's liver or a goblin pudding, something like that. Um, and I was there all day. So on one occasion, something had gone wrong with the toilet. So if you flushed it, it all just came out onto the back lawn and we were sort of semi basement. So it was coming out on this little wall about halfway up the back window. So the low wall was it? It was a low wall and so load droppings were coming over and they got some

fellas in and bagged it all up and I was able to watch them bag it up. If you had a proper job you couldn't have done that. I wouldn't have been able to watch it, we'd just come back and say it was fixed and they wouldn't have known the story of these fellas carrying bags of Scooby-Doo or whatever. There used to be an ability to dull life I think that isn't there anymore I think the unemployed are demonized now in a way they shouldn't be. Make them feel bad. Lots of like pop groups and stuff used to just be on the dole and they'd sign on and then rehearse and write their songs and everything and then become pop stars and they said that being

on the dole allowed them to do that and then now it doesn't seem to be an option anymore which is sad I think. If it was every 10 years like you suggest so that would probably be one at 30, one at 40, one at 50. It's not a bad idea. You could really look forward to that, couldn't you? I've got a question from the wife actually, for Andy. She says Andy, how are you doing?

I'm fine thanks. I'll tell her that. Have you ever experienced a moment so magnificent that your tits have turned inside out revealing that the jelly inside is actually a type of curd has that ever happened Andy? I'll say not yet. Okay something to look forward to. It is something to look forward to yeah. Have you ever? Oh there's more. Yeah there's three. Andrew, go through your questions. Have you ever eaten a pork pie so sweet and satisfying that your face has turned in on itself, spilling hundreds of fluffy beans onto the nylon carpet beneath your feet? Erm...

Not that I can remember. No, no, no. It happened. Andy, final question question she says have you ever lit up so many candles in your bathroom that they've burned so brightly that the donkey in your backyard stood on its back legs and directed a stream of black pits towards the town hall that's a nice question I'll tell it you it's a good question it's very good question again. I don't know

That can that I can remember Thank you for Speaking of light and lighting things up their candles she mentioned I was at a car boot sale a couple of weeks ago and I bought a cast iron chimney FF. I don't know what a chimney or is It's one of them like chimney things like a fire pit with a chimney on top. Oh right yeah. You put it outside and you put wood in it and burn it and you sit and look into it and ponder what the fuck is he doing. How many times will you use that in your life? Will you just watch it rot from your window? I used it once but it was rusty. It was rusty it was 15 quid and then I went

further around the car boot sale and there was a fella selling a can of chiminea spray paint for one quid and that felt like it had been sent from the gods of carbon and I've sprayed it up all nice and it looks lovely I'll send you a picture if you want I would like to see that I've sprayed it up all nice and it looks lovely I'll send you a picture if you want I would like to see that I've sprayed it up all nice James Halliday a power slipper oh has said thoughts on brioche buns what is it that when I want a bread bun for me burger there's never any plain white burger rolls but there's fucking oh we feel strongly hundred brioche buns on the shelves I am very much with you James and fucking for the response and I don't mind them being

an option but I've been to quite a few outlets where that's it they're on a brioche yeah like take or leave it for me it's like putting sugar or honey on a fried egg do you know I mean I think no you yeah, you wouldn't do it You wouldn't know you know like and it's got no like got no substance or heft, you know Your burger can collapse get seepage Do you know what? I actually think two crumpets might work better couple of crumpets with a burger in the middle. Yeah. Yeah Well, toaster door for heft could be nice could be nice yeah can i give you a little quiz yeah go on it came in via a parsnipper who calls himself tom

okay tom thank you tom well the quiz i'll tell you what it's called because we've done it before it's called from center spot to shit farm. Ah God this is tricky I wish you'd done the riverside. Go on then yeah go on. Well Tom didn't send that in. Tom is big in the shit farm business that's all I'm gonna say. All right. He says I'm lucky enough to spend my days trudging around shit farms and give you some first-hand data for the quiz so here we go we've got Wrexham we've got Chester yeah and we've got Swansea they're all quite nearby I think I've been to Swansea which one has got the nearest distance from the

centre spot of the stadium to the closest shit farm Swansea you rex them and what was the other one Chester I'm gonna go for Chester I want them in order I'm just want the closest one just the closest then Rexam then Swansea humiliation Chester Swansea Rexam ah dear never mind I'm glad I'll order Alphabetical order Wow Neil M Hmm do you honky-tonk and Ronnie hot dogs? Do you ever wonder why they sterilize the arms of a body who is about to be given the lethal injection? What's that all about then? I suppose just force a habit in it. They're stuck into that procedure

You know, I think it's just probably for insurance purposes really in it health and safety something like that He's got a point There has to be a window of opportunity whereby the lethal injection wouldn't work Do you know I mean yeah any form of execution it might not work right I think if that happens and you get off and you go you go free right so it so for example the lethal injection didn't take in the arm of John body then they don't want him going home with an infection a secondary infection and sewing your ass. Yeah exactly exactly. Oh well there you go. I can only assume that's

why that is. That's good with the answer. Did you say that if you don't die you let off? Yeah I think so that you just open the door and say off you go. You've beaten the system congratulations. I wonder. You've got a a question there I got one here little Lindsay pole dancer all one word says how many cocoa pops should we be able to fit into our belly buttons I haven't looked in my belly button for ages like my instant reactions to say four maybe three if you stood up and I'll maybe take that down to two just two if you're outdoors they're painting a bench or you're walking the dog you know I mean that's my answer you'd be lying down for Ford yeah I'll sit sat or lying

down yes so you're squeezing in a lying down position your belly button has quadrants I think it might have yeah I haven't done that for a long time not in yours in mine yeah because they used to be you get all sorts of like bits of breakfast cereal fluff and all sorts of yeah it's amazing what you can find Griff Williams says if you got locked in a supermarket overnight what produce would you use to build a nest to sleep in? Well that's interesting because I've been watching some like creep on YouTube who does things like this A creep? Did you say it?

Well it's a creepy, feel like creepy YouTube people people and so I was thinking about it and I think you would use the bread as your mattress loads of bread that'll be alright wouldn't it and then do you know those like nappies for puppies for their urine yeah like stick a load of those together with take nappies though other that they're like mats sheets yeah like padded mats yeah and make a dovey out of them that's my answer I would use them big bags of popcorn loads of them to lie on top of so let's a lie on yeah okay they would they would take my weight yeah yeah you're right not a bad choice but what would you use to keep you warm? Just body heat.

Why is the supermarket going to be cold overnight? Supermarkets are cold. Have you, have you been in an M&S food all recently? Freezing. You know, they've got perishables in there. I'm telling you Andy, it's quite a cold spot. I'm going to guess they keep it probably something around about 58 degrees. 55. What, Fahrenheit?

Yeah. I don't know either. Who in their right mind's using Fahrenheit in this day and age? What you on about? What kind of... 58 degrees 55 Fahrenheit yeah I don't know either right minds using Fahrenheit in this day and age what you on about? I bet you say centigrade as well do you? I've no idea about centigrade. Look look listen listen listen listen this is for you Graham Clark says is there a problem in Middlesbrough? I believe there is and the exact nature and cause of it is as yet unknown Andy. It's still unknown. It's still unknown. I saw one I quite liked.

Feeling of unsettlement. Thomas Brown asked Andy are books shit? No no no. You don't reckon no? No books are brilliant I've got fucking hundreds of them. I ain't got enough time to read them all I read you well I didn't read you on you when I listened to it all right on the audio Book service whatever it's got any pleasure from Andy I've gotta say I went into it Expected be critical by enjoyed it. It's very good. Thank you done it again Thank you very much. I did listen to it at 1.2 times speed oh is that what you do if that helps it saves a lot of time the I was thinking about this and I thought to myself you know books can be

a bit shit and they're gonna be great but although it's not absolutely relevant I think they've got a higher hit rate than the cinema the films I'm going to these last few years maybe average out of five out of ten most of them but books maybe get to a seven average yeah films are fucking at it terrible aren't they they're really anything good on telly we used to do that didn't we talk about what's good on telly recently recently i've watched something called h spanish thing on um netflix it's all right um not bad at all but i'm doing i'm in me still doing my crimes andy so before i come up here i'm watching something like i think it's called love

rats right and this is men who've conned women out of their money. Yeah. I always find these characters both sides of it intriguing, you know. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, definitely. It's two seasons. Some of them are pretty spectacular and the average ones are decent. So you've got 16 of them. Where can that be accessed? That's Netflix. Netflix. Netflix as well. Okay I've just finished watching there's a documentary about David Chase who was the creator of The Sopranos which is my all-time favorite TV show. If you're into The Sopranos you will love this two-part documentary. Nice recommendation. All about his upbringing in his life in

his career and loads and loads of stuff about The stuff about sopranos that you probably wouldn't know about so that's my documentary recommendation okay Andrew, interrupting to say I've got a quiz for you it's called quack boing stadium extra peanuts thwack zing car hire oh yeah crash whack pizza give me just a little more time distance from the stadium of light as the crow flies motors euro Europe car car rental yeah I scream for pizza I scream for pizza I've heard of that got one in Newcastle and one near the stadium alike but how near is the question yeah can you pitch your stadium motors? Stadium motors are the nearest. Okay. Then ice cream for

Peter if it's where I think it is. Okay. And then Europe car. Oh lucky Andy. Oh for fuck's sake. Stadium motors, Europe car, ice cream for pizza. Where's this ice cream for Peter thing? You can't ask us things that I don't know where they are It's just below and they're on the same block go stadium motors Then I think there's a tile shop CDT tiles or something then Europe car and then ice cream for pizza They're very near each other But Andrew how much? How much for a 14-inch margarita at ice cream for pizza oh 14-inch margarita I would suggest that will be 15 quid you need to get yourself down

there Andrew because it's ten pound ninety okay take away price all right okay a couple more questions about grass cutting okay we've got the first one is when says Jay Woodhouse when should you do the last grass cut of the year easy this one you know I'm a bit of a gardener Andy you should trim your box hedging on Derby day yeah and you should do your last cut of the year just straight after bonfire night wow that's late after bonfire night yeah okay I'm not gonna I'm not gonna suggest anything because you sound really authoritative yeah I'm telling you the truth yeah I've got nothing to add because you'll just shoot it down

Alice Childer says what's the latest acceptable time to mow your grass i.e. as in during the day or evening 4 pm but i think the golden window is 11 till 1 i would say 5 pm okay fair enough i mean maybe 6 pm in the summer because as long as there's no babies around they're getting disturbed yeah that's what i always always caring for the babies you Andy always worried about the babies. do you want to do I've got a song I could finish with do you want to do any more questions? yeah. you want to do

more questions? one more Scott Gibson Bob has previously indicated a preference for Castrol JTX motor oil has his stance changed in the last four years? four years I don't remember I mean I remember Castrol fondly I don't remember saying I used it. Or was it just a lie? Well I haven't changed the oil in my car for years. What I do is I go to the garage and on the backseat they'll find a nice big gallon can of Pearson's brass hand oil smooth as butter Andy it's gotta be good for you. Oh yeah. One little other question that just I'd like interested in your answer. Seems quite innocuous at first Andy.

It says, what do you prefer, chocolate eclair or a jam doughnut? What would you say? God, that's a question. Chocolate eclair or jam doughnut? That's a question to beat your balls to a shred, innit? I'll go with chocolate eclair. Wow. I've got jam doughnut.

Hard to separate. If there's a platter we can share. Only reason is I gave it is because I really like doughnuts, jam doughnuts as they go a bit stale. Oh do you? I like them yeah. Whereas the eclair, the eclair takes pretty takes pretty quickly and you got to get it down your neck within a couple of days, you know Yeah, I mean I would do I'm not gonna hang around Best jam doughnut you can get Strawberry no, but where from where yeah where from? Where? I don't know. You get a bag of four from Sainsbury's. Sainsbury's are the best. Thank you very much. So. And as well Sainsbury's muffins as well in boxes of four they're the best. Oh they're good. They're good muffins. Looks like they've got their bakery section sorted Andy.

I've done another song Andy just to cheer myself up. It's Funbus. people might remember it it's about the legendary fun bus that travels around Sunland in the sights right daddy can we go to the tip today? Throw our damp sleeping bags away Stop at B&M to buy some vapes and shout Hey Dad, we're on the fun bus Daddy can we set a mattress on fire? And throw some tod and a skip for hire Drink some blue with dawn and eating chips

yes kid once we're on the fun bus now we're on let's sit at the back and put the Alsatian in the luggage rack see the dog duck covered inside the fleas and the maggots on the donkey's knees and the man pissing behind the trees he's shouting hey look they're staring from the fun bus this is the recycling bins overflowing with tin potato tins and can you see that lass that's spewing up while shouting hey girls Look it's the fun bus, once you're on you can't get off There's nothing to do so it's no one's loss Dad I'm feeling really sick

Dad I think I need a piss Dad how come you've got tits we hate saying Hey it's the Funbus Can you see the house clearance van And the XL bully by the caravan The fat bloke by the true blinks Blue drink stand he's shouting Jesus wept There goes the fun bus, can you see the crime scene tape? And the size of that clown's vape Sorry Dad I've shit me pants it's the lack of windows on the fun bus Once you're on you can't get off There's naught to see so it's no one's loss

Ahhhhh Ahhhhh Thank you very much for that Oh well, you know, we had a go We were just going to do a few questions and it got out of hand What can we say? Thank you once again parsnips is so much appreciated your support and it certainly is hope you've got some takeaway from that

my god you've done well to get through this one we'll call it half a parsnips or something like that um yeah thanks very much everyone. See ya.