Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 47: Norwegian Tasting

Episode Date: May 2, 2025

Safety, memory renewal, a quiz, Gangs of the EPL, a door, Ding Dong, and access aggravation. (Originally recorded for Club Parsnips on 5/10/24 https://www.patreon.com/c/athleticomince) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Music Alright Andy look at you. What? I mean just look at you. Look at me? Yeah that's absolutely gorgeous. Sorry I've just had my attention just been taken by your ceiling. Is that some sort of cladding on your ceiling?

Oh, it's like planks. Well, it's it's like planks and it's like wires and machinery above it. Uh, do you think I should take some of the planks away and examine it? I think you should. Yeah. You want to open it up, see what you're dealing with. I'll tell you, are they actually called quote just planks? what you're dealing with I'll tell you are they actually called quote just planks from Wicks in the corner it's just planks.com that's where they've come from okay but I'm in a hotel right well don't dismantle the hotel room and they please don't do that you don't think I don't know a bit rock and roll and what's the first thing you do when you get into a hotel room sir I've looked in the bathroom straight to the that's like. It's quite important I think the bathroom and hotel

it's integral. You don't steal a glance over towards the bed first. Well you see the bed kind of first thing but what do you do? Jump up and down on the bed. First thing I do is draw the curtains. Just draw every curtain. Yeah I want to see how nice the bathroom is I want to see if it's got you know a shower and a bath or if it's a bit fancy yeah that's what I'll do. Sounds like a lady do you put then do you put your makeup bag out and your all that stuff so that you can get yourself. Why are you in a hotel room? I'm in Oslo. What? In Norway.. Oh lovely. Is it nice? I'm recording the yeah, I'm recording the Christmas episode of Dawson and White House gone fishing

No, I'll be Oslo me Me daughter is studying here for a year at the university So I so I've this was all explained in in the email I sent you a few days ago. You must have read it. I did yeah. But listen up isn't it a beautiful country? It's gorgeous. I love it. Yeah yeah it's fantastic and I've been really lucky with the weather given that it's October and it gets pretty nippy. Yeah. pretty nippy yeah it's been absolutely gorgeous. No such thing as bad weather, just bad clothing Andy. Now listen we're farting on aren't we so let's, and Mickey Nixon, our mate Mickey has been in

touch with some safety information Andy. He sends them so let's have a listen them so let's have a listen right so let's not mince our words like yeah you know if you don't pay attention to safety and your environment then you know you're not taking care of yourself are you you know what I mean um anyway you know letters broken glass boring walls you know they're about to collapse all the trip hazards, broken pavers Loose handrails, loose roof tiles They'll get you one day if you don't keep your Nevon alert Now safety smafty, are you joking are ya? So the waterboard inspection plate outside me drive's gone missing

And you know it's left like a hole about as deep as a goose's windpipe somewhere like that trap your foot in that and you'll be on the sidelines longer than that Sandro Tinale ha ha ha ha yeah yeah you know what I mean trap your foot in that no chance man i've told the council but they're too busy printing foot and leaflets about tom kerridge's fun day in the big park featuring brother beyond and one of the lads out of that band blue fat one i think i hope they've got suitable safety barriers at the front you know because there'll be one hell of a stage rush when the fat lad waddles out you know big crush risk lad big crush risk risk

oh right there he goes there goes Ron Chin walking like he's just shitting a leg of lamb probably on his way to B&M you know to buy some cheap shampoo for his wife and the other adult that lives with them Jesus Christ he's wearing unmatched shoes not a pair now if that isn't a trip hazard then I'm Courtney loves fucking pest controller Which I'm not by the way, that's the point. She uses no more Mr. Mice guy in LA used to use Rats all folks, but they went bankrupt when the boss got deep into crypto So if he trips up I won't be able to up right him like not with my knees they're born on bastard bone at the moment and before you ask I am on the

anti-inflammatories but they tend to make me arse very heavy you know so it's a catch 22 situation really. Ron, Ron do you know you've got different shoes on each foot Joe? Nanny are fucking business mate. Oh no I'm never fucking is is it you do realize that if you fall I can't help because I'm in a bone-on-bone situation with a knee like and I can't phone for help because the wife snapped me phone off me because I spent last week's disability on in- bag insects mainly bottle of oasis tropical

drink all right where you off to B&M gonna buy a coloring book for the other adult that lives in the house no it's a nice idea but if you're getting wax cranes remember there can be a swallowing hazard Be careful that another adult who lives in the house doesn't chew them cause wax could constipate him so bad Mind will begin to bend inwards and you start barking like a rock waller at a monster truck rally. Hey Ron Are you wearing a sports bra? Your frontage doesn't seem as loose as normal Yeah, I'm giving it a run out I've lost the cartilage on one of me neck vertebrae ah man Mickey it's bone on bone so I'll I need all the relief I can get good for you Ron be

careful with the clasp like at the back door some of the metal ones can be hypoallergenic you know ask your wife or that other adult that lives in your house to check for any rash or swelling you know right when you get back well Joe see you Mickey yeah look over there Don Goff using a wire brush to remove some of the cack off the wheel arches on his Fiat Panda no gloves no eye protection no dust mask recipe for disaster if a sharp bit of cack gets in his eye then it's a triple a&e and a cack removal procedure that might leave him with eye bogging or restricted judgment you know when he's placing his dirty hacker don shouldn't you be wearing goggles or something

should you be manning your own business you naughty bastard I told myself I heard you and your wife had a walk around the Cloisters at Durham Cathedral at the weekend Did you enjoy it? Very nice. Thank you Do you want me to talk about the experience? Not really done Being too much Cloister talk recently How's your knees born on board anyway be safe don't be safe Don, been too much clice to talk recently. How's your knees? Born on board.

Anyway, be safe, Don, be safe. Safety first, boys and girls. Hey, all right, Cannon. Oh, Cannon, the wheel on your kids. Sorry? All right, Cannon. The wheel on your kids' buggies on the piss. If you have to make a sudden turn,

you could spill the kid on the road And could get run over by a Maserati You're any other vehicle really fuck off Mickey Will do have a nice day keep it safe And that's where he ends it Andy so some sure that was that was lengthy sorry that was lengthy but no decent advice I like that how it's developed from a very short and spiky advice service into what seems to be no soap opera somewhere in the Northeast born unborn born unborn it's been brought to my attention that your Memory Man credentials have lapsed and you need to be retested, reauthorised.

Right. Fair enough. Fair enough. Right. Memory Man, can you remember who finished third in the 1984 Olympics 1500 meters final. 1500, it's 400, 800 was it? That's otherwise known as bronze bronze medal. Yes, yes I can. There it is, there it is, Memory Man comes up trumps once again, credentials. I'm gonna fail one day, one year I'm gonna fail Andy and you know. Well it's a long way off I think. I think so too, thank you, I think so too. I've got some topics of interest you may be interested in listening. Let's find out

swimming your personal history Have a go heroes. Hmm Karma what's all about right? Will the tricorn hat ever reemerge? Okay, and conkers which is a bit topical any of them any of them catch you I mean not really but tell me why have Conkers are why a Conkers in the news Conkers what's Conkers season oh I see what you mean right do you like this season Andy bonfires Conkers chestnuts Dark Nights leaves alright Autumns overrated I think it's it's it's a bit poncy people they go oh nice big courts and walking kicking the leaves

But you get like a fortnight of that and then winter wallow comes along wallop. It's winter. It's winter winter Yes, you're heating on yet. Yeah, yeah, of course is East being on for a couple of weeks, I reckon now Andy they're not striking me as it and I don't mean to be rude swimming I mean I'm one of those kids who nearly drowned when I was really young so I didn't learn to sleep to swim till I was a bit older which was a great day any good I'm not I'm a breaststroke a pensioner paddle around the edge of the pool you know that's me right the Daily Mail is gonna cut that bit out there

where you've said you're a breaststroke and that's gonna be all over the papers tomorrow hey have a quiz Andy go on here have it take this quiz right smack pop coke thwack boring peanuts crash pow honey give me just a little more time time time time time I've been looking at the B&M offers of the week and these some nice stuff there some very nice thank you but I want you to order in price order cheapest to mark expensive or the other way all right a two-liter Coca-Cola zero a Cheerios honey bars six-pack a big D choc chip peanut butter jar of Coca-Cola peanut butter Cheerios honey bars like the, you know, Kelloggs. Yeah, but in a bar? Six pack of, yeah, like, you know that health bath thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Like trackers. Right, I'll go, they're the most expensive. Okay. You pay in a health premium. Did I come out right? Health premium. Yeah. On that, that's the most expensive. Then premium on that. That's the most expensive. Then the Cola, then the peanut butter. Well I obviously am very very pleased to announce that you've got it completely wrong. Two litre Cola, 180. Big D Chopped Chip Peanut Butter, 150. Cheerios Honey Bars, six-pack 125 unlucky Andrew unlucky you will recover one day you will recover can I turn that around and just tell you that I didn't give a fuck yeah yeah you do deep down you do hey look at this what's this I've gone for it to me it's a bag of what's called smash okay these are massive in Norway apparently they are chocolate confectionery with sweet salty and crispy it says yeah I would like to do a live taste test off you go on here

for you right now just for the viewers it's a bright yellow bag about the size of like a large motorway service crisp bag Pretty bigger And it's on the front. It's got like these little chocolate swirls They're like horns like a chocolate horde. They are a bit like horns Andy. That's a very Good observation and they're sweet salty and crispy. I'll try one now. Let you know how I feel And they're sweet salty and crispy. I'll try one now. Let you know how I feel He's watching the munchy munchy munchy munchy munchy night. No sure really Cal Um I'm feeling a little bit of a Snickers kind of mild Snickers type flavor

There's also two textures going on okay the chocolate andiness. I like it. I'm gonna have another one. Okay. Look I'm not watching you eat it. What's your score out of ten? What? I'm not watching you eat it Andy. What's your score out of ten? For the smack. I'm getting notes of popcorn in there as well. Oh very nice. Very nice. Now listen. Second question. Yeah? Do you want us to bring you a bag back from Norway? No, I don't. But Andy when you're in Norway all the service stations, the two little tips, all the sort of junk shops and just shops they sell chocolate bananas, have you seen them? They're everywhere.

And they sell the garages sell these big huge hot dogs and you'll think my garage hot dog no they are the most wonderful dog available in the world really can you imagine right yeah you'll be put off because it's a garage they're amazing anyways I got no access to garages here well can you do deliver away or something have a look listen up gangs with the epl Thanks to the geniuses at Infinity Rocket Plastics I got some footage from the Man United dressing room.

Oh God. Yeah, it was like 10 ARG, his team meeting the day before the match against Tottenham. Right. Moose at Infinity told me, this is interesting in Andy He had to hack into the dressing room tv using a hangman's ditch And what he's called a reverse dog bite. So That's a nice hacking technique to use in it Andy Shooters. Yeah, isn't it? Anyway, all the players are sat on the benches and tent ag and root van. Nisselry

Stood in the center of the room route is eating a less it's a nice thing to eat and it's a meeting look at you chewing on you chewing on your fucking smasher is it still in your mouth smash no finished it alright and route is eating a lettuce nice thing to be eating it a team meeting Andy and'm eating it Andy and Ten's wearing rubber gloves because he's just done a bit of washing up and he's doing a quick clean of the radiators so Ten's the first one to, Ten Hag first one to speak so can you boys smell what I can smell? Harry McGuire depends on what you is smelling boss Xerxes I can smell lavender and

some things I can only describe as illness does Xerxes Maguire sound the same then that's gonna be explained Andy Jesus right sorry I'm just speaking for the listeners because they'll be asking the same questions that's okay Mason Mount how does he talk again bit posh I've no idea Andy that's um Cliff Richard oh that's my leg rub lictus it swells your coughs up so they look well rigorous the smell is a bit mortuary and it's very aggressive but the results are picture-perfect see now for me and the I would have said the smell is a bit mortuary and it's the buddy's up to you know I've said it now no fan of 10 why are you speaking with that accent is a KB Xerxes because I he's learning my English off

McGuire aren't I? Terrible choice. What words has he been teaching you? Tractor, phosphate, impact wrench, bovril, axle, tree trunk. No, you must stop those lessons immediately. This is a football club, not a farm. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck me this lettuce is gorgeous! Give me a bite! Fuck off no chance!

Suit yourself and take note that from this day lettuces are banned from the premises. All. Oh no come on boss! No, get away boss! Come on! Oh no! So now you show some passion. That's what I want to see on the playing field. Anthony chirps in. Can I have a game this week?

No, no, no, no, no. Anthony curses. We does have the passion boss, it's just that we doesn't know what tactics it is that you were wanting. I have explained this on over eight occasions this season for Christ's sake. I even got Root to draw you a chart. We never saw no chart boss. Root, did you provide the squad with a chart marked tactics like I asked? Yes, no. Who gives a fuck when there are lettuce as sweet as this out there? Anthony, can I try the lettuce? No fucking chance.

Curses! Ten. Okay, let me go through it one more time. Music route. Onana wears green with his back to the fans. To help you remember, he can use his hands. Dallo stays left and Masuro stay right. Maguire stays central and Martinez acts mental. The midfield three pass to each

other but if Martinez goes rogue they nip back to cover. Marcus and Ganache work to throw ins and corners and Xerxes stays central and acts like a forward. I don't know what's happening and I don't know where I am. I haven't slept in weeks and I'm pissing in a pan. I don't know what you want from me and I don't know why I'm here. It's always fucking raining and I can't handle the beer. I'm hanging on by my eyelids just waiting to be freed. The reason that I stay on of course it is just greed because I don't

know what's happening and I don't know where I am. I wish I stayed in Holland with my teddy and me mam. So now so now do you lot finally get it Xerxes I is a forward boss it's just my legs is a bit bent and my feet are biased to the east and the west makes me look a bit comical but if I get a half decent chance I will bury it like hammering a nail into a broken slurry barrel or a silo housing Mason can you take over Xerxes english lessons it's like working on a fucking turnip farm with this harryspeak now today's opponents are the hot spurs does anyone know anything about them no no no no no no no me neither hey they sound a bit comical, like you, Xerxes.

Anthony, I know of them. Their leader is a dog. Let me cut them down, boss. Tanag, not a chance in hell. Curses. Okay, so they are a mystery team and nothing can be prepared. So, shall we all go to City World, watch Beetlejuice Beetlejuice? No not for me no. Don't f*** that. You're joking aren't you? No, no chance.

Only Root is left. How about you Root, you fancy Beetlejuice Beetlejuice? I could buy you a salad pot to eat on the way. Oh I did, f*** it. I got nothing better to do. Well, that was it Andy. There you go. That's about as entertaining as Manchester United have been this season, I reckon. So I'm not complaining about that. Shall we have some questions from the parsnippers

oh those pesky parsnippers no questions I was wanting to know stuff here's one it's not even a question it's from Hugh Parry's it's not a question I just think the world needs to know more about duck feeding etiquette don't feed them bread this causes amongst other things malnutrition. My favorite thing to feed them is sweet corn. They go fucking mental for it. So that's just some advice. Good, good.

Chris Gurrell says, how far back does the other day mean? I'm thinking anything up to seven days because then it becomes last week, no? I would just say four days is the other day I reckon I think anything beyond four feels a bit nah maybe you're right I mean we're not the the oracle on these matters Andy but I think you're right four sounds about right I reckon Stuart says tin beans and sausages is a classic but tin spaghetti

and sausages can fuck right off Discuss I don't think I've ever had spaghetti and sausages That doesn't feel right You can actually get Heinz tin spaghetti with Richmond sausages and I know you like a thin Richmond I don't know whether that's what's in the cans I mean at some point Andy you do have to ask yourself what the fuck it is you're eating thin Richmond I don't know whether that's what's in the cans okay okay at some point Andy you do have to ask yourself what the fuck it is you're

eating so I think they just throw stuff they've got like a randomizer and they just throw stuff together and just see if it works there was there was a thing in their shops the other week it was caught a call about Oreo cookie flavor yes fuck that yeah there's no need for that it's gonna kept temp the kiddy winks though in it just import smash whatever they are sweet salt and crispies into the UK hen dog asks the podcast theme was initially selected with the purpose of smoothing over international relations with the Far East how was that going well it's a timely question because I got an email from the King of China last week

saying he's feeling pretty chill about the West since listening to the podcast said Nigel Pearson is his favorite and asked us to keep up the good work in a King of China. That's excellent yeah he generally emails once a year but I didn't know he'd done one recently. Yeah okay Isn't it 20s? Yeah. Okay. What's behind the door? Yes or no? Yes or no? What's behind the door? I don't know. I don't know. There's a door. Right. Three doors to be quite honest. Alright. And I'm going to tell you what's behind them and you can just say yes or no if you want to go through and make some exam

further All right door number one. It's the 1984 Olympics 1500 meters final No, I could remember that so well. I don't need to relive that Can you imagine that opening a door though and the fucking 1500 meters is going on behind it? Yeah, not for me. You've got the chance. You don't have to you don't run in it I'd rather I'd be more in taste if it was a pork pie in there and a pint the crowds in there as well the atmosphere it was LA it was a great Olympics yeah sounds hot and sweaty I'll leave it thanks right second one there's a really hot floor really hot floor but in the middle

of the room there's a table and it's got a Toby Carvery five-year gold card on it I mean obviously you're not going to tell me just how hot it is just really hot fucking really hot how big's the room how big's the room what's the distance well it's big enough to get the 1500m final in it. Good point not I'll leave it. I'll leave it. Third door, fucking hell, it's Ackar Bilk. He's got a massive clam shell on his back and he's scuttling around on all fours, spraying

in all the corners like a cat. He's also got a ghetto blaster playing the song like to get to know you well by Howard Jones if you remember that one he is of course completely shitfaced yeah I'll go and spend some time with Acre yeah you're going in with Acre yeah we said he was shitfaced so yeah I'll go in he is shitfaced I don't know if he's got I don't know if he's got any more booze in there I hope he's gone in after he's finished But um, do you think I would Jones would still like to get no? No, not this Would he like to what? Get to know me. No, you're well the song that he did in 1984. He's probably moved on and I

Think I need to make me a bit more socially withdrawn No, not as curious about strangers as he used to be back then if you're so bothered ping him something ping him an email or a DM or whatever or a MP3 I'm ready to get to know you Howard is it Ron Howard? no it's Howard Jones isn't it? Ron Howard? No Howard Jones no Ron Howard's off of happy days

Ding Dong! Landlord here now listen I've brought you this box of nappies to help soak up the damp in your kiddies bedroom. Now I'll need them back when they're saturated because I've got another tenant with a dodger water supply and he can suck on them till I get his pipes unblocked. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, and you know, oh, and you know you wanted that windowsill repaired? Well here's an old baguette and some glue for you. Should do the trick. As always, thank you for the rent and the additional service charge payments that thoroughly, I thoroughly enjoy spunking up down the casino. Mental health matter innit?

Ding dong, landlord here. Sorry to be a pain, but I need to remove the banister from the stairs because the daughter is making an outdoor dream and be gentle lodge for a pony Sorry for any convene he yents of course if you want to use the washing line in the back as a rail Feel free you can rent it at five pounds per yard. No refunds for sagging. Thank you. And thank you for your rent He's changed he started out as being Barry O'Monor He's changed, he started out as being Barry Ohm owner. And then he turned into Barry Ohm owner. I got a little thing that I heard the other day, which was on the internet and it was a little audio thing. I don't like what I heard. So I'll play it to you and ask you a question about it afterwards.

Go on. heard so I'll play it to you and ask you a question about it afterwards go on Hello I am Mickey Jackson proprietor and manager of the Showbiz Centre have you ever dreamt of rubbing shoulders with some of the biggest names in the world of showbiz stars like Jolie Walthers or even Ryland but probably not Ryland well come on down to the Showbiz Centre and make that dream real. This Saturday there will be 50 guest passers on the door as donated by one of our most generous and much loved members, televisions Mr Fish himself Bob Mortimer. You don't have to be a star to get access to this showbiz centre and there will be all kinds of activities to join in. Phil

Collins will be displaying his collection of bongos and maybe even letting you have a little go on them. If you want to conquer bring it along and Peter Purvis will challenge you to a conquer battle. Peter personally asked me to tell you not only will he destroy your conquer he will also dismantle you psychologically in the process so there it is it's open day at the showbiz centre and it's all thanks to the generosity of mr. Bob Marmer thank you Fishman what have you got to say about that you've you've poo pooed hang on let me finish you-pooed all of my attempts to get into that showbiz ender even on a day pass Yeah, for years now and you're giving away 50 passes this weekend for anyone to get in

Yeah, anyone apart from you Andy because you're in Oslo, aren't you? No, I'll be back by the weekend. No, I'll be back. I'll be well back I could I could turn up there in disguise as a civilian and get in I'll tell you what I do try it see if you get in report back you think you think you'll get in try it yeah just I see what you said fine fine you got it else so Andy that's I think that's all I've got to communicate to you this week. We have to thank the Parsnippers for their continued support which is much appreciated. Certainly is. So see you next time and I look forward to hearing about that attempt to get in the club.

Goodbye from Oslo. See ya. Ta ta.