Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 48: Ladder Parties

Episode Date: June 3, 2025

Musical fun, shunned topics, a new quiz, Peter encounters Martin, soccer secrecy, and nursery rhymes. (Originally released via Club Parsnips in October 2024) Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/athleticomince. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello boys and girls and I hope today finds you fully plumped up and maybe ready for a trip to B&M. If not then I might have a little link to us that will assist. Imagine if you can that you're outside a vape shop in Sunderland watching a bloke throw dog dirt at a donkey grazing on the grass where the hot dog and blue drink van is parked. You're feeling deflated and unnecessary. The acid in your stomach is gurgling up into your throat. You walk up to the hot dog van and ask if he's got any rennies to ease your burden you got any rennies mate? um, or by the soul?

um, my oose-o-focus is on fire like nasty that mate the oose-o-focus is a very tender pipe nah sorry I give all me rennies to the fire brigade when they passed by earlier ah shit looks like I'm stuck then with this, erm, this burning oose-ah foggers, oose-ah foggers. Do you think one of your hot dogs might help? Not these ones mate, they're as cussed at as a snake's arsehole.

But I do have something that might ease you up. So he turns on the hot dog owner, turns on his son as speaker and the sounds caress your throat like a yoghurt-y whisper. The pain disappears, dissipates like a calippo melting on a horse's belly. A broad smile envelops your face. This is more soothing than a gallon of renny water. This is country Fuckin' Music. I've been listening to that country fucking music to dissolve the acid reflex in my guts.

I found relief in the banjo and the fiddle. After two with Dolly Parton on my nuts. I brought some cowboy boots and a small holding in Lincoln. I've granted my wife a quickie divorce. I've got a cowbell and a corncob in my satchel. And Willie Nelson tattooed on the side of my horse. I'm not hot funky. I'm not bright as a spark, man be dark dorsal and I'm pissing on shadows. Shadows in the fucking dark.

I've got grits and tootsie rolls in my freezer. I've got bales of hay and horseshoes in my hole I wear a waistcoat and a moonstone for contention If I'm having myself a country in Western ball But I'm not hon hon honky tonk I'm not bright as a spark I'm Andy Dordon and I'm pissing on shadows Shadows, shadows, shadows, in the fucking dark music Andy there it is. Nice welcome return to the country and oh western music there very good very good start. Can't help noticing your t-shirt Andy it seems to me Maradona's verping. It's Diego Maradona he's got a cigar in his mouth and he's wearing what you could

describe as the hat of Che Guevara. I've got you. No it wasn't Che Guevara it was the Castrol. And what's the message you're trying to import? I don't know. I saw it on the internet and I liked it. It was Maradona's birthday yesterday. Obviously he's not celebrating it because he's dead. But it was his 64th birthday yesterday so I thought I'd put this on. It's very nice, it's very colourful. I hope you'll enjoy. I wish you all the best with that t-shirt. I hope you wear it to good effect you know your future fucking endeavors. First of all about a couple of years ago right?

Yeah. In this podcast I asked you do you regard me as a friend? Yeah. And at the time you said no. Okay. It was fair enough I just thought I'd ask you again Bob do you regard me as a friend? I don't know about that Andy you know what I mean we we've barely ever see each other I mean it's a difficult one that's a difficult one Andy did you consider me a friend I don't know I would you know I would but yeah oh well now you've made me feel bad yeah I'll stay the same then. Okay fair enough I'll put down 2024 grudging yes. That's about right yeah. Perhaps I'll ask you again a couple of years we'll see where we're at. Topics of interest Andy, topics of interest I'll run them past you if any of them appeal let's go for it. I heard a rumor recently that dementia didn't exist before they invented

margarine. That's the first one. Apparently some, a lot of people think this is true. I'm not just, you know, being haha. Second one, have you ever used a tourniquet or witnessed one being used? What's the best time of the day? I go to the cinema. Longest you've been on a static train. Do you think Gandalf would enjoy a Donner kebab? Comment on the news that Everton's new ground has been built within 20 foot of the biggest shit farm in Liverpool. Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Did not know that. That's a game changer for him. Sent the spot to shit farm to be quite honest. None of them particularly grabbed me. I could come back to one or two of them later on I think. Okay. okay. Give them a bit of thought

Okay, maybe that margarine one, but that feels a little bit Yeah, dodgy. Well, what do all the hold on a minute? You don't even have an opinion whether Gandalf would like to don a kebab Well, maybe I do but I'll come back. All right. All right. All right I've got one topic of interest for you do you like American things things yeah let me think I like a McDonald's so okay that's a murica just sit on that we can come back to it later off to a flying start here I could do you're a very very early quiz if you're interested yeah always go on well this is the one I've just designed, devised if you like, it's brand new it's called font or restaurant. Okay. Five things, five names of things they're either the names of a font, yep, you know what a font is

don't you? Like as pattern of words yeah. Style of lettering yeah yeah that'll make sure. A font or they're the name of a restaurant and the sources are all off of the internet so they're all true so here we go first one lemon yellow Sun font or restaurant font bastard yeah Font. Bastard. Yeah, it's a font. Yes. It's a font. Second one. Double chin. Font or restaurant? Restaurant. Yeah, it's a restaurant. It's not going very well. Third one. Restaurant. Is it a font or a restaurant?

Font. Incorrect. It's a font and it's a restaurant. Oh, so I can have it, can't I? You get half a point. Number four, fatty pants. And I should inform you that pants is spelt P-A-N-T-Z. Fatty pants, font or restaurant? font fucker yes it's a fucking font last one

himalayan chimney, font or restaurant? font aahhh it's a restaurant, up yours get in there i'll take it up i consider that a win for me i think so, just about yeah I'm not obviously a little bit more knowledge of fonts than you expected Andy do you know

I mean yeah can I just say you are sitting in darkness and I can't see you is that right? Oh blimey it's dark isn't it? Does it bother you? Not really. It's just a black screen well it's Halloween isn't it? It is just a black screen. I'm gonna take a screen grab. Yeah I've got a screen grab now can barely see you. Shall we have some questions from the parsnippers that have come in? So I'll start someone called Andrew Smith has said fish finger sandwiches buttered or not. Um the truth is I don't butter them them. I don't have them that much when I'm out these days Andy because they tend to use London breads. Oh like the sourdough

or something like that. All that stuff. The unedible breads. To be honest it works best with sliced white doesn't it? Sliced white yeah or like a bread bun or something like that. I would butter a fish finger sandwich. I haven't had one for a while I think all sandwiches should be buttered Unless there's a lubricant, you know within the ingredients like mayonnaise for example, you're right here I would butter that. That's a really nice answer that Andy. Thank you. Thank you There's a one here from Liam Brannan who says again It's a food related question as most of the best ones seem to be at the minute I'm just making beans on toast I

like how he's broken away from making beans on toast to submit a question he says should I put grated cheese or a fried egg on top now everybody seems to be putting a fried egg on top of everything everywhere these days I'm not sure I completely approve like you've got the high-end restaurants seem to be putting fried eggs just on top of stuff well and a premium I think and a frat was an egg and it costs what 15 pence probably something like that so what's the idea so you get half a roast chicken and they put an egg on top they put fried egg on the top yeah yeah everything's got a fried egg on the top I'll be honest I've never considered I mean it makes sense, but I've never considered putting an egg on top of me beans on toast

And I do put cheese on but I put the cheese on first and then put the beans on top What do you think of that? You bastard? I like that but I do get him back at the egg I do like the idea of the Friday because I would have fried egg and beans together in And a breakfast for example. Yeah. So I'm not averse to them being served together on top of toast. I think it's a game changer from Liam Brannan.

Well, thank you, Liam. I won't be trying it, but I hope you do, Andy. And I hope you take some pleasure from it. Okay. What's Jordy Alex asking? What's Jordy Alex says, what's worse, Va, V-A-RAR VAR Germany VAR or Reg VAR I don't think it's Reg VAR not Reg VAR it's it's VAR as far as I'm concerned as far

as I'm concerned it's VAR very nice horrible a horrible invention and I kind of hope that neither of old football teams make it into the Premier League or anywhere where there's VAR regularly. I don't believe you, I think you want to go up, you're doing well in it. We're doing well but there's that kind of thing if we do go up it'd be like last time you went up you come straight back down again and you know what's there what's there to enjoy about that? You're out. I tell you the VAR I don't like is VAR city matches which I believe are Oxford and Cambridge playing each other at sports. That's my least favourite VAR. What is that, just some kind of like class thing you've got going on, some kind of chip

on your shoulder? Something like that, yeah I suppose it is deep down but like I never, I just never wondered why I should be interested in a match between them two but there you go. Yeah, we'll have a couple more questions a little bit later on Interesting what there and they Peter basically he's been in touch sent me one of his messages Good one, he got Halloween theme actually Alright Bob, I'm up in the spare room having a nice mug of wheat bottle and a fig roll. I mean they don't really go together but the contrast in texture is quite appealing you know. Fig rolls a bit on the old side like gonna be crunchy crunchy munchy crunch but it's made it quite absorbent so unbalanced you know

I'm putting it down as a win. Dog dirt. So yesterday, Martin, you know from Homes Under Hammers came round and took me and my wife to Costco to get some Halloween stuff to decorate the front of the house and the front lawn. Martin gets on the wife's tits a bit like Bo. She fancies him so she tolerates his nonsense you know what I mean so we're in Martin's Mazda bongo on the way to Costco like I was driving because Martin said he he was still a bit twitchy from the night before so anywhere about 10 minutes from Costco I noticed some you know, seepage like coming through the bandage on my wife's leg and the car started smelling a bit like illness, you know, so I think it was the angle of the bongo seats, but Martin was behind her and to fit him in we had to put her seat fully forward like, you know, her face was almost pressed against the windscreen.

So we pulled her over like into a layer bag and Martin sat the wife down on a picnic chair, you know, from the boot. Mrs. B, she says then. Oh thank you Martin, that's so very thoughtful of you. If it was down to Peter, I'd have just had to sit there suffering in silence. That's not very fair, my darling. It was me that noticed the gun gin pulled over. Shut the fuck up Doyle, and pass me one of them boiled eggs from the flask. Martin chirps in. Boiled eggs in a flask? That's a bit unusual, but you know what? I really like it. Like

it. I like it. I like it. I really, really like it. I don't mean to be a Bob and Martin from Homes Under the Hammer but do you think you could take my shoes off so I can get my circulation going? I can do that for you if you want love. Shut it. Shut it, bumface. I don't want you near my legs. You never know what filth might drop out of your hair and infect me right up so Martin bent down started removing her brown shoes very matte brown you know like cooking chocolate anyway the wife started stroking Martin's from homes on the Hammers hair oh Martin your hair's so challenging and brittle, like a prince or a CEO. I could rub it for a fortnight or even more.

So I get a fresh bandage out of my porcelain jacket and replace the soiled bandaged. Martin, why don't you sit in the back darling? Much more room for you to stretch. Just ignore all the cans of spaghetti bolognese. Well, we got the Costco packed up and I fetched a wheelchair from the entrance for the wife but she insisted on walking like ermine arm with Martin. We went straight to the Halloween section. Hey love, look at the plastic pumpkin with big ears and knackered teeth. It's pretty awfully warfully, innit?

No chance. Would remind me of you. It's not even very scary, werey. What about that witch's head? Look, the eyes light up. It's really frighty-waitany. Unusual, but very likeable. I like it a lot. How about you, Mrs. B? Oh yes, I like that. But it's in the trolley door, boy. Hey, look, the skeleton dances. It's really rattly-wattly. And the eyes light up dead brighty-waity.

It's shit. Has your mind bent itself wayward you dausy fucking goon? Yeah, I'm sorry love. Hey lads and lasses look at this giant spider in the web it's very creepy weepy and the spiders eyes light up when you walk by it it's a bit creepy weepy but I like it! You know what? Sorry. Oh Martin, you've really got an eye for these things, haven't you? From Holmes Under the Hammer. It's full on spooky-wooky.

Put it in the trolley, slow-boy. Look at this ghost family grouping. It's really blood-curdly-wordly. And the eyes light up. It's really eerie-weerie. It's totally fucking shit. Hey, look at this monster that's got guns dripping from it. It's very nasty-wasty. Hey, it reminds me of your leg, Mrs B.

What did you say? The guns on the monster, it's a bit like the discharge from your leg. Are you calling me a fucking monster? Well yes I am in a way I suppose but I don't mean anything by it, just a bit of a laughy waffy. It's a bit of colour Martin, from homes under the hammer. Hit him Peter, fucking lamp him. So I picked up the pumpkin with the ears and I smashed it over his head. He fell on the floor and started to take his trousers off.

Me and the wife did a run and drove off in his bongo. After we got out of the car park, she put her hand on my thigh and gave a little squeeze like. You're a good lad Peter thanks love you'll have a fig roll with your bovril tomorrow thanks darling I do love you very much like so here I am enjoying my fig roll and the good old stare out the window and I suppose that's it really but I'll tell you a couple of jokes from the old joke book before I go. You know, just in case. Gee,

you look like... So a dog walks into a bar and orders a pack of crisps. You should be in the circus, says the barman. Why, are they looking for electricians circus says the barman why are they looking for electricians says the dog. it's alright. why do mice have small balls? because not that many actually know how to dance. a woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre so the barman gives her one. One Peter Beasley, the only one Peter Beasley. Well that was that, that's it. So he's nice of him sticking up for his wife there. Yeah, he loves her deep down. He's very protective of her. I think I think so a nice halloween flavor there to the uh, to the fact that you're sitting in complete darkness

I wasn't quite sure about the bit martin fell on the floor and started taking his trousers off. I don't i'm not sure Sure, I think we're I think we're all right. I don't think we're on legally dangerous ground with that. No. It's easily done. We had, I received a cassette through the post. No, we lad. A recording of Martin's radio show but we can hold that back for next time. Right now it's time for us to drive to the accommodation. Oh fuck, no that's the wrong show, sorry. A few years ago Andy, I stated that I thought the main four male accessories were a gun belt, a grain pouch, a retractable measuring tape and a

clown horn. I've been thinking about other things like that and I thought the four main comfort foods, beans on toast, thrown onions, rice in a trophy, creamy margretts. What was the last one sorry? Creamy margretts, oh they'reretts oh they're delicious they never had them and four greatest folk songs the tightest trousers in Peterborough yeah the lassie and the Alsatian yeah a briefcase full of underpants yeah and the day poor Jeremy dropped his hat in the dung oh All classics. You know they're classics. They are.

I'll call that feature top fours. Solid. What else have we got? I've had another cassette. I didn't just get the Martin one, there's another one come through from. Do you remember the secret soccer superstar who gets in touch now and again? I never found out who that was. Never managed to work out who it was.

Last guess I had was Dennis Bergkamp. But apparently I've been in touch with his people and apparently he's denying it him. So we will see. So here's the latest entry from the Sacred Soccer Superstar. It's the time of the soccer season when lots of managers start getting the sack and that's really sad for the managers and sometimes for the players who've grown very fond of them. I once had a manager who I really liked who gave us three days off every week and we were all gutted when he got the sack after we lost eight of our first nine matches. when he got the sack after we lost 8 of our first 9 matches. There's loads of admin to do when a manager gets the sack. You've got to try and get back any Xbox games that you've lent them. Sometimes you've got to make them swear down to keep any secrets you might have

told them about yourself. But sometimes you want to ask them if they want to be your friend now that they're not your boss you ask them if they can have their mobile number and say maybe we can meet up down the precinct and hang out now and again well they usually say no no I don't really want to do that. It can be very confusing. Hmm, there. That's a secret sucker super star. Hmm. I mean I'm, it might be a bluff, but I, like, I think it's, it is

a Geordie. It's Northeastern. I'm thinking Scottish. Ali McEust. I was wondering if it was Lee Catamol. Do you reckon? I think you've said that before and I think it was denied. It wasn't. I think it was denied. But these viewers questions come in thick and fast. Yeah. And the, um, is it too soon for Christmas pies? I presume that means the mince pie. Um, I don't think it's ever too soon. I'm always happy to see them. No, I reckon. Can I, sorry. Can I recommend,

can I recommend the, the, the cheaper, the better. Yeah better? Yeah, the Mr. Kipling with the icing I think it's probably the king of it a lot of the posh ones that seem very enticing You know, they've got fucking quince in a wall or whatever. They really don't deliver. So that's my advice go cheap same here Supermarket Christmas cake the Christmas bar. I think they call it where you don't get the full cake, you just get a rectangular chunk, get it stuck into them, any of the supermarket's cheapest ones you can get. That was a Carly Mendoza question. Gorust Flump says, what was your favourite ever match that you saw live and in person and why? Now I'll step up to the stage here

and say Sunderland won Aston Villa 4 in the League Cup, Rumbolos Cup 1993, we absolutely battered them and Mark Bosnic, who was in goal for Villa, did a world class performance and we got beat 4-1. And we were in the second division and Villa were in the top division and that's your favorite ever match it was incredible it was just it was amazing we came away from it just going what have we just seen it was stunning I don't know well we should have scored Bob we the highlights are on YouTube we should have scored six or seven goals that night Well, there won't be many people who'd choose a defeat, but you have mr. Dawson

I suppose I choose borough Brighton when we went up to the premiership last time but I was I was at the 96 euros the was it semi-final Germany that was I love again. All right, that was quite something to be at It really was the I was at the group matches in the Euro 1996 at St James' Park and I'd like to say that I was completely drunk for all three of them. Adam says, wooden ladders or metal ladders? Well, I say metal just because of lightness, you know what I mean? I used to hold ladder hold ladder parties you know where I mean the lads in the local estate we'd go around each other's houses show off our ladders you'd take our ladders round and if anyone came with a wooden one you know we'd just call them a librarian

yeah well just gently gently you know gently mock them yeah it's a nostalgia kick isn't it? They'd get the message and they wouldn't come back again no one lad Brendan, Brendan Peacock he started wooden ladder parties yeah and they're popular really took off yeah fucked us completely oh they did yeah really took off because he allowed step ladders in and you know, littler items. Well we're a wanker, we had to close. That's what happens I suppose, yeah. So yeah I'm a little bit anti the wooden ladder. Fair enough. Tony Boydell says can we have Mark Lawrence's top 10 nursery rhymes? So I've put that to Mark Lawrence's, he's becoming increasingly irascible I think is the word and we'll see what he says.

Hello I'm Mark Lawrenceon, these are my top 10 nursery rhymes. Number 10 if you're happy and you know it clap your hands. Number 9 the sailor went to sea, sea, sea. Number 8 bar, bar, black sheep. Not sure you're allowed to call it that anymore. Number 7, two large mangoes. Number 6, old McDonald had a farm. Good luck with that in the current climate.

Number 5, I'm a little teapot. Number 4, three blind mice. As they probably make you call it now, an indeterminate number of visually impaired rodents. Number three, Pop Goes the Weasel. Number two, Jack and Jill. Or whatever they choose to identify as these days. Number one, I hope this isn't some kind

of hate crime. Goosey goosey gander. There you go there's my top ten nursery rhymes for you Tony Boydell. There we are. Well I hope that Tony will be pleased to hear that. Nice little list. Well that's it Andy. I think we've run out of time for the topics of interest we could come back to them at a later date I suppose yeah yeah bear in mind have a think around them Andy you know over the next few weeks especially them especially the Gandalf one you know I'll try to yeah okay then Andy thank you Parstipus for your attention see you next time thanks everyone ta-ra!