Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 52: Lemon Drivel

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

Safety first, a QR game, Crime Files, a dog-based Littlepod, a visit to an old friend, and some children's pastimes.(Originally recorded for Club Parsnips on 24/4/25 https://www.patreon.com/c/athleticomince) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Andy, I'm just stirring me to you. Yeah, I see that, right, noise? It's coming through loud and clear through the microphone, yeah, through the headphones that I'm wearing, because I'm the producer today. I knew a bloke, hello producer, I knew a bloke who went from restoring fireplaces straight into a career as gong therapy.

It's good switch that, yeah. Have you made a big switch? That's an interesting question. A big switch? I made a big switch once from working in a record shop to my headphones I've gone off

what the fuck's that about why do you need headphones so I can make sure oh it's back on again just to make sure our levels are good oh that's it

that's a producer I made a big switch once from um hey if you're a producer producers a fucking cake because I could do with one

imagine if I had one imagine how I had one of me bad do you like the size of my coffee by the way what is that at all it's a large it's a large cost of coffee

because I've earned enough cost of coffees on the app to get the free one so I've gone in there and I've gone in big I've gone

free coffee time and the fella says shows your QR code which I did and then he says large one I says why not I leaned into it

as they say and then he went extra shot I went why the fuck not go on fill us up so there I am I'm on me now possibly fourth coffee

of the day that's too much I leave yeah well we'll see how it goes over the next 40 minutes. Well, I have one coffee a day. I have a cup of tea first, then a coffee. Yeah.

But if I haven't had that coffee by 10, I won't have a coffee. None at all? No, it doesn't appeal to me the taste after about 10. Okay. Anyway, tell me about this job switch. Well, I used to work in a record shop, and then I decided I was going to be a freelance comedy writer. Just like that.

Just like that. I went, fuck it. I'm walking away from the daily grind. Right. And I'm going to sit around drinking coffee all day and making a make a nice. rubbish. I spent a lot of the time playing football manager, to be fair. Right. Is that a good game anyway?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, no, no. No, it's the opposite. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, John's on holiday. Who's John? Don't know, I imagine there's a John on on holiday somewhere. Well, that would not, lovely holiday, John, I hope he's not with, um... Well done, John. Ron. Ron and John go out to Malaga or whatever. Yeah. How are you doing? You got a plain t-shirt on today, no more thief.

plain t-shirt on it's plain white and I'm also wearing what I believe is called a shacket. I'm a bit shackety as well. Do you reckon either of these are shackets? It's a combination of two words, isn't it? It's shit jacket. Shit jacket and shit shirt. Yeah. You've got too many layers on for a small studio like this, I think. For a small man. It is a lot of layers, Andy, but it's a bit colder than you'd think out there, isn't it? Yeah, it's not very nice. It's been drizzling. So did you watch Last One Laughing, Andy? I did eventually get around to watch it

Yeah, I thought it was very good You thought it was funny? Yeah, I enjoyed us Did you say I won it? Oh, I didn't get at the end Oh, you didn't get at the end? No, I did say that you won, well done Was it frightening when Jimmy Carr kept coming in?

Well, there's, he's quite robotic He's got presents, isn't he? Yeah, he's 1% non-human, you know Yeah, but that's a crucial 1% Yeah, I don't know which 1% it is But it's definitely there. So it does put you slightly on edge. But he's a nice fella, you know.

Good. In fact, would you like to know anything about Last One laughing? I know you wouldn't, but you was my... Have you got some pre-prepared facts about it? I haven't got no facts, no. I just wanted to confirm a few things people might wonder. We did actually go in there at 10 o'clock and leave at 6. Right.

Full shift. Yeah, but... Like actual work. These things are usually a bit of a... I can't, aren't they? So we just sat in there for eight hours and then left thinking, well, there's no show there. We just fucking sat there.

And it all came together in the edit. It's the wonder of the edit, yeah. No, it was. It was very, very good. Are you going to, like, defend your championship, defend your title? If they ask us, I might. Yeah.

I doubt they will, but if they asked us or might, do you fail as though the fact that you're unable to laugh is something to be proud of. Mickey Dixon. No, Mickey. Well, he sent me one of his vlogs, Andy. Yeah. I don't know where they're going.

No. But here it is. So you're the producer. Can you press play on this? The producer is finding the music now. This has been... Oh, he has music, does he? Yeah, Mickey Dixon's got music, yeah.

Can't you, Mickey. Can't find it. All right, here we go. Thanks, Pat. All right, lads. Mickey Dixon here. Safety first, you know. It's not muck about. leg.

So I look out over there, Frank Cowden, changing the tire on his Mazda. Not using the jack lake, he's just parked it on a slope and lobbed a couple of bricks under the chassis. No gloves, no eye protection, no common fuck and sense, man. If the Mazda falls on him, the pressure on his chest cavity,

it'll be immense, man, you know. I won't be able to lift it off, not with my lower vertebrae, like. Honestly, it's borne on my lower vertebrae, born so I can't be doing no bending like I can't phone for help either because the wife took the phone off me when she

caught me ordering a litre glyphate you know to kill off the neighbour's wild garlic that's creeping under the fence hey not only does it stink my yard out but them urban foxes you know they like the shit in it like and oh they're pissed it

fucking honks man no it really does bob oh hey up there's Ronchin walking like he's just shit an oven shelf he'll be on his wait the Legion for half-priced Thursday soup and roll starter

fish fingers main looking at his phone as he walks man only takes a moment for some joke and nick it off him or bang his tiny head on a lamp post through

not keeping a lookout oh run run stop looking at your phone you're doing your Doyle fuck off Mickey mind your own fucking business What, you're looking at it anyway? What's so interesting that you can't stop looking?

I'm searching hip pain. On Google, you know I'm at the end of me tether with it. I'm sorry to hear that, Ron. You tried anti-inflammatories? Don't be fucking daft, Mickey. It's way past that. It's born on fucking bone every time. Every time I take a step, it's like a witch pissing on the joints.

Aye, that sounds like born on bone, all right? What've you been up to? Ah, but I cut a goat in half yesterday. Oh, aye. Well, I'll pass no comment or not. You're off to the Legion then? Nah, go to pets at home to buy some puppy training pads for the other adult male that lives in the house.

Just can't stop pissing them a night. Well, be careful, Ron. Make sure the other adult male that's living with you changes them every morning. They can harbour harmful bacteria of them and make sure this adult male disposes of them responsibly like. I've heard they can be a bit of a slip hazard. Ah, right, they're not fuck off, will you?

I will do. Oh, look, Don Goff, filling up a trailer with all manner of shite. No gloves, no steel-tipped boots, no eye protection, but worse than that, he fucking failed to secure the load with the tarpaulin. Don! Shouldn't you be securing that before driving off? Shouldn't you be mind in you? That's all fucking business, Mickey.

I suck yourself. I heard you and your wife went to Costco to get an ornamental shelf for your sunroom. How did you get on? That was a good trip. Do you want me to talk in detail about it or just get on and finish this loading? Nah, you'll get on.

Been too much talk about ornamental shelving around here recently. How's your back, Mickey? You on the anti-inflammatories, like? I don't even touch it It's porn on I'm on the morphine But it tends to make me see pixies Whenever I'll knock one out

Anyway be safe Anyway alright be safe John that's the main thing Safety first ladies and gentlemen You're joking aren't you Oh well thanks McGee Yeah good stuff

Good stuff yeah I'm a bit worried about Runching Cutting a goat in half but they're whatever. He didn't pass any comments, so Mickey was probably all right with that. Yeah. I've got some names for you.

Go on then. Two names, three names. You can be Keith Tableguts. Okay. He's got the kind of full overhanging belly. Ah, right. He can lift up and rest on a standard table. Yeah.

You know when you've got to lift it up and then just put it down. Yeah. Boy, is he proud of it. Right. It's quite right. Keith Table Guts. You can be Prob Tube GX11.

I don't want to be fucking pro. It's the 20. 20 model. It's listed as reconditioned, but it's covered in bites. Bites? Bites. You know anything more about these bites? I'll leave it. No, thanks. Oh, you can be honky-tonk. I'll be honky-tonk. You know, for all the time's sake. Hello, they're honky tongue.

Can I just say a lot? A couple of fellas who I met at the Snokeke yesterday, a couple of fans of the podcast. Father and Son, and the father gave me the best feedback that I've ever had. Yeah. He says that he regularly whets himself to sleep by listening to it. They hope. I don't know if that's what we're aiming for. That's what he says.

He wants to get down to pets at home. He gets some pads. Yeah, but the Cannabre. Topics of interest, Andy. Okay. Take them to leave them. Fry and pan maintenance. You know, is it worth making any extra effort with your non-sticks

or just fucking buy a new one when it's gone? Right. That's a topic. Next topic for you to consider. What is LurPack? Interesting, isn't it? Very interesting. What is the most non-gardening

related item you've ever seen in a garden centre? Oh, I'd be to think about that. Well, you've got lots of time, you've got the rest of your life to think about that, Andy. Should strimmers be banned at weekends? Very garden heavy, this one. I've been doing a lot of gardening, yeah. Right, yeah.

Is it better to sit on a beach or sit above the beach staring at it? That's very good. Thank you. Do you prefer pavers, gravel or tarmac for a driveway? So, there you are, Andy. Right.

I'll have a think about them. some for you if you're interested. Go on then. Basketball hoops within the grounds of your home. I've got one. Wish I hadn't. Right. Interesting. Hold that thought. Short season. I don't know what that means. It's the season of the year when you were shorts. Are cars too quiet these days?

Think about it. Does this podcast need a buffet? Minor pain in your 50s? That's quite something, isn't it? That is quite something. And will a duck ever have its own website? I think the minor pain one's interesting but it's because I'm of a certain age because the problem with minor pain in the 50s is you still think you're a tough nut

and there's just minor pain. There's two things. It's relentless. It's all over and you assume you're going to die as a result of it. Do you know, I wish that was the case, Andy, because I think too many people in the 50s still think they'll ride it.

It was just like an injury in the 20s or 30s. And the truth is in your 50s, minor pain might be something more serious. You're listening to me, bro. Good advice there for the over 50s that listen to us. I've got a quiz for you. Well, it's not a quiz, it's a game, actually. All right.

And one final topic, just to lobby in before. The macadamia nuts, should it just fuck off? I'd like to think you could respond to that immediately. Now, yes. You should fuck off, should we? Yeah, why not? Other nuts are available. A new game, it's called QR or Q-R-O-C-Aunt.

Q-R or Q-R-O-C-A-Nt. Now it's very simple. I just want to scan this QR code that I've got for you. Right. You scanned it? That's done, yeah. You should get a proper producer on the show. That would live in it up, wouldn't it?

It's about pacing it sometimes, the way up. Just waiting for that QR code to process. What's that QR code going to produce? What's it going to lead to? I feel like I'm in a gong therapy session. Ah, that'll be $450 quid, please. What do you mean? A QR code

Well I have to pay for You have to give it's 450 quid now I don't get it and I'm not paying I'm sorry you scan the QR code You've got to pay Oh is the money already gone Yeah Humiliation

Sorry Oh well what a great game Sorry it could have been so much better And maybe next time it will be Well I might have just lost 200 quid This time it's I think it's Q-on't Basically as opposed to QR But thanks for playing

Very enjoyable No thanks for introduced Thanks for skimming me off there And it's time for crime files. The West Yorkshire Market Town of Weatherby offers much for both residents and visitors, scenic river walks, a variety of independent shops and restaurants,

and easy access to the Yorkshire Dales and North Yorkshire moors. Its proximity to the famous Weatherby services on the A1 motorway makes it an ideal commuter location for the cities of Leeds and York. Life there's tranquil, calm, and free from crime and nonsense. That was until the 4th of November, 2004, when the town was to experience its darkest day.

Now, drer. Tucked behind the marketplace and within striking distance of the weatherby whaler fish and chip shop, have you been there, Andy? No, I've heard of it, though. Is that help? Fish and chips.

Have you had fish and chips? I've heard of them, though. Was the nonsense pottery and cafe of nonsense potter, Neil Hunt. As well as a fine selection of nonsense pottery pieces, Neil also had an Italian espresso machine and a small counter selling cakes, pastries and nonsense cookies. Neil had just opened the doors when his first customers arrived and approached the counter.

It was Patrick Bamford and Donnell Farke. It's cash only, says Neil, barks, Neil. No mobile phones and no hanging around once you've finished your drinks, so what can I get you? Patrick. Good morning, my man. Could I indulge in a foffy coffee, please? What in God's name is a foffy coffee? I'm not Turkish, you know. A fuffy coffee? You know, an ex-fellow with foffy milk on top. Have you got a moth's nest in your mouth or something?

I have no idea what you're actually. saying, what is it that you want? How rude. Please drop the attitude. It's quite foth pudding. I would like a fuffy coffee, please. You can have a cappuccino, a latte, or an espresso.

Which is it to be? And don't come back at me with that fuffy nonsense or you can get out of here. Daniel Farky chips in. I think that maybe Patrick is requiring a cappuccino.

Is that the foffy one? He's a gun of bit Steve McLaren, honey. Yes, it's made utilising steamed milk, which is the frothy element of the beverage. You mean... Oh, Banford. Banford. Very posh, isn't he?

Yeah, you mean puffy? Yes, good. Daniel? Yes, to all intents and purposes. Then a fluffy camp chimpicano is, shall be my good man. Extra half, please. What? Extra half. He means hot.

Extra hot. And what's about you? What do you want? You're not from round here, are you? Where are you from? Hungary? No, I am initially registered in a small town called Steinhausen in the district of Baden-Weltenberg in South West Germany. Jesus, wet! Are you always this... and boring?

I wish I'd never asked. So what do you want? What is it that you actually want? I would suggest for myself a nice cup of tea with milk, no sugar. You might be surprised to learn that my mother introduced me to tea when I was just five years old. She came from the town of Sandenhorst in the Wallandorf region of Rhin, Westphalia. Oh, save me the bloody geography lesson, As if I'm interested in such shit, you really are an epic bore.

Do either of you want something to eat? Patrick, could I have a slice of lemon drizzle? It's self-drivel, lemon or otherwise. This isn't home fucking bargains. But I can see it there on display, lemon drivel. Drizzles. Patrick, drivel! Neil picks up the lemon drizzle.

This one, Correctamundo, my man, and a fruit juice. please. A fruit juice. No one drinks fucking fruit juice anymore unless they play tennis.

Well, I do. I have fruit juice for breakfast, Brecky, fruit juice for lunch, fruit juice for tea and fruit juice before I go by bees.

I have four food juice. Well, you're out of fucking look today, Mr. Fruitie Pie. You may not have the knowledge of this, but did you know

that Baton-Wutenberg is the major apple-growing region of Germany? with over 11,000 hectares of apple cultivation. Oh, he's gone. Do I look like a man who wants to listen to German apple facts? Because if you think I do, then you are very much mistaken.

Sit at your table, I'll bring over your drinks. Neil gets about steaming up the milk, Patrick and Duniel. Sit at the table and admire the nonsense pottery on display. Why not? I'm seeing your nonsense battery I'm thinking that maybe I would like to commission a beerstein for my sexy disco bar in my basement It's called a tankard here in Yorkshire

What decoration would you want on this tankard? I don't know, something sexy, you know, maybe some tight trousers, banana, maybe an outdoor cooking rig You're not really sexual Not a problem, 1500 quid and it's yours Agreed. Did you know that the town of Hoogersonhausen in the district of Battenwoodberg

is the major centre for steam production in Germany? I would particularly recommend the King Webb Factory for craftsmanship. Jesus Christ, will you be picking up the tank? It's yourself. Because if you are, I don't think I can face meeting you again. It's just not worth the pain. At this point, Doniel gets up of his seat and grabs Neil by the throat. Yeah, well, that's taking a turn, isn't it?

Hang on. You have been a road towards me since I'm an entrance. It is not acceptable. Apologize now and I will turn your face to a different arrangement. Get off me, take your hands off me. Do you know who I am? I'm Neil Hunt nonsense, Potter. I've never apologized to a foreign in my life

and I don't intend to start today. Daniel tightens his grip. Grabbs this ice of lemon drizzle and begins to force it into Neil's. mouth. No, boss, not my lemon drivel. I was going to drunk it in me for coffee coffee. Shut up, Patrick, and strike the man on the head with one of the display items.

Patrick picks up a vase. It is embossed with a depiction of gardening gloves and a Wellington boot. No, no, not that one, you're idiots. Far too sexy to use with violence. Patrick picks up a teapot with I-heart N-Y on the side. Don Young. Yes, that's perfect. Nobody loves Neil Young anymore.

Patrick, it's New York actually, boss. No, it's not. It's fucking North fucking Yorkshire. Get off me. I should warn you that my brother-in-law's neighbour has a pair of those shoes with a knife in the toe and my cleaner is in Bitcoin. Patrick smashes the pot over Neil's head

and he falls to the floor. Why? Why is it always me? I do voluntary work at the local glider club and I always take the cellar tape off cardboard boxes before recycling them. Get out before I call the police. I think perhaps it is time that we should leave. But I haven't had my fruppy...

But I haven't had my frothy coffee bars. Tough titi bambore. Don't worry, I get you a twuffy quiz to make up for it. They leave the nonsense pottery and cafe. Ha, fucking ha. You didn't even hurt me. That teapot was so thin and shit. It couldn't even damage a wet fucking mouse.

And I still haven't apologised to a foreign. Never. I'm Neil Hunt and I'm a fucking nightmare. Whoa. That it? That's it. So crime is everywhere. Yeah.

It's out there. You got to watch out. You got to watch out. Whether it's a coffee shop, a library. Sad, but there we are. Should we have some questions from the parsnippers? Did you get a chance to assess them? No, I didn't, but let me have a look.

Do you want to just raw dog them? Yes, I believe they're saying. Inbox. Parsnip has. Rob Schellen. What's the longest you'll walk to run a basic errand, e.g. to buy milk. Milk, that's a nice errand, isn't it? That's a nice, gentle errand.

I love a gentle errand. How for? If I go to my local shop, I will walk, and that's about six minutes. So I don't know what does it. So I'll walk. Don't give any more information out because there are triangulators out there who will seize upon that information and try and work out your location. So anything less than six minutes.

Seven minutes I've put down here because I've pre-prepared. So I'm on to seven minutes. Lazy folks. Probably six of got a go-pill. But there we are. Carl Collett says how much money should I spend on shit from the range for my new house? I think as much as you can I'd take a loan out

or mortgage the house off I mean if you've got to skip you can buy as much as you want and once it's settled because what you basically buy silvery grey cushions from the range It's big cushions It's a massive clock that looks like

It's come out of a train station in 1954 And wall stencils that say No room for hate All right That's a lovely message Um, yeah, keep it simple. Ornamental fire extinguishes. I wouldn't.

I wouldn't go in. I've been in the range and it is appealing. If this so-called Carl Collett is bought a house, I reckon he's gotten out in it. Right. So he's starting out. But there's better options, Andy, in there. B&M.

B&M. I mean, IKEA. The Net. Home bargains. Do you know what I mean? You know what I mean? All right, well, you know. You get drawn in though, don't you?

You'll go in somewhere like the range. It'll have. 10 fucking per spec's boxes with lids. Yeah. And you'll somehow convince yourself that... Have they got lights in? Well, you know, but you've put lights in and that's what you start thinking. Yeah. John Paul Upton, what time do you consider evening to be?

Personally, I say 5.30 to 7.30, but I've heard other say 5.30 to... Well, I think the evening doesn't stop at 7.30. No, that's far too early. I reckon it starts at 6 after the chase has been on. Yeah, that's a good call. I could before that's what, tea time?

Tea time, yeah. Tea time, four or six. When is the evening? I've got 8.30. For the end of the evening. The end of the evening. Then it's night time after that. Oh, I see night time.

Oh, I don't really distinguish between it. So 6 o'clock for me, definite. That's when I start drinking. Because I think, you know, something inside me has said, that's the evening. I've knocked off of the day. It's the evening. So 6 o'clock.

On the cans. If there is that line between evening and night, yeah, 8.30. Okay. What time do you drink through until? Until I go to bed. Until I go to bed. Yeah.

What time do you go bed? Three? No, I go to bed, 10. Watch a bit of crying. I stood in the travel lodge and chefo last night because I was at the snougar. Yeah. And as I checked in, the receptionist says, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Breakfast is available from 7am.

Bars open until 4. Nice. I went fucking hell. Jesus. 4 a.m. bar. And was it a proper bar? They saw Draf Budweiser

and Guinness, Surge of Cans. Hmm. Not a point, isn't they? To be honest. I just shut it down at like 10 or something. Let's do more questions later on. Okay. Hello.

Oh, wait. Oh, wait. So, my name's Doodig Littlewood. Welcome along. There will another episode of the Dominic Little Pod. My special guest this week has been most recently seen on a very, very sad TV show.

the man who can never laugh. It's not having me, Mr. Bumboa. Don, can I just ask you quickly? Do you ever have any other guests on? I seem to be very regular. Oh, yes, I had Steve Jobs on once. Steve Jobs? Yeah.

Which Steve Jobs? Oh, from the shops. Well, lots of questions. Thanks for coming along once again. No worries. You ever fancy visiting out of space? No. Why not?

It's got a problem with it? No, I ain't got a problem with it, Andy. I ain't got a problem with it, but... Who's Andy? Dumb. I wasn't one of those kids who liked the planets. I didn't like dinosaurs. I didn't like the planets.

What do you think of the moon? The moon, I'm more warm towards the moon. Did you ever look up in it? Yeah, I do stare at it sometimes. You ever looked at the sun? Never looked at it. Well, I probably have, actually. Bloody idiot.

I've got the chance to go on that John Amazon's rocket now a week, but I'm too short, apparently. Yeah. Half an inch. Ah, there you. Half an inch. Yeah. I says I'll wear Cuban heels, but he says no. No.

There's rules. There's rules. So I couldn't go. So fuck out of space. Yeah, I agree. Fuck out of space. It's the quick fire round. Okay.

Dogs in pubs, yes or no? No. Why not? I don't like dogs. Oh. I mean, I like dogs. I don't like dogs in pubs. Well, two things.

They've got fleas. Yeah. Secondly, most of them eat their own feces. True. So for me, I'm on the fence. Dogs in boats? Yeah. Yes or no?

Yeah. nice in the boats and nice to see a dog going by on a boat they kind of look important don't they sit there and I like that if you put a little sailors out on them

as well it's quite cute isn't it? That is cute yeah, you can put that on the Instagram yeah yeah in the sea do you think or just don't likes

are you on Instagram no I'm not Instagram no there's someone on there pretend to be me but it's not me if he messages they just block him

what do you eat ponds lakes sea what do I like what do I eat what do I eat? No dogs on boats where would you take them

River just a river River, yeah, North Foot Broads. Oh, well, fair enough. Dogs are not air balloons? Yes or no? I'd have thought, no. I don't seem fair on the dog.

Not even as research. What's the fuck's going on? For research. About dogs in balloons? High dogs. Okay, researching the high dogs. Yeah. For that reason, yeah, lob them in a hot air balloon.

With a little that one? No, with a compass down the neck. Fair enough. What else I got? I don't know. Sometimes when I get near, I'll stick my lower jaw out. Yeah.

I can't stop doing it. I've turned it to a jaw jutter. Yeah. I didn't see that coming. Desperate Dan thing. We'll end up why, crack it open. Dom's Fortune cookie. Some sage advice.

Quack. If you don't like what you see in the mirror, smash up the fucking mirror. Smash up the fucking mirror. Yeah. All right. There we go. Thank you very much for coming in a little, Bob.

I look forward to all of your fish projects. And maybe you'll come on again, some road. Maybe you will. Maybe you won't. Maybe I want. Thank you very much. Goodbye.

So Andy, I went up to Middlesbrough. Right. For a match. Yeah. A match we didn't win. That's a shim. And I went up the night before.

I stayed in the golden line at Oz Motherly. Isn't that nice old pub? I've heard of it. Have you heard of it? Yeah, I've heard of it. They do a lovely adduck, smoked adip, risotto.

Have you ever... Do you know about them? Smoked attic. Yeah. What, not with chips? No. No. Smoked attic risotto. Very fancy.

Have you heard of them? I haven't actually, no. I expect you wouldn't understand about a risotto. No. You've just proved it there. I sat in me terrible eating the smoked attic that you wouldn't understand about. I don't understand.

When I... Can't even imagine it. You can't even think... Can't imagine it. You got a picture of it? Of a risotto? Any risotto, yeah. I'll send you on afterwards.

Thanks. When a large group were abed, you know, I was just kind of aware of them. Do you know when that happens, a cackling and talking on? They went straight upstairs because there's a big meeting room up there. They were a bit noisy, so I was pretty glad they weren't eating in the restaurant. After I'd eaten, I just played Kingdom of Taki, the Wherewood Princess Scrolls, you know, on me. I've never heard of that. I was fighting a level three boss that was a pug dog with really long.

legs. He had a plasma walking stick and a really bad attitude to be honest with you. Well, I was fully into my game when I heard someone whisper in my ear. Hello, Robert. Oh shit. Long time now, see? Oh my God. Shame you didn't tell me you were visiting, Robert. The olderman. It's the olderman. Yeah. And to be honest, Andy, I was a bit wary of his tone, you know. You having a pudding, Robert? He asked. I said, I wasn't going to. I'm just. playing Kingdom of Tacky. Oh, are you, Robert? More important than giving me a text and hooking up, Robert.

No, no, not at all, I said, and he said, have a pudding, Robert, I insist. They have an apricot flanagan. And it's superb, Robert. He shouted over to the waiter. Two apricot flanigans, one for Robert, and one for his friend who we forgot to call. So how are you, Alderman, I asked.

Not great, as if you give a toss, Robert. Here, look at this, he said, and he pulled up his shirt and lifted his belly onto the table. No way. Yeah. Wow. He parted the hairs around his belly button. He says, look at that area, Robert. It's some kind of parasite living in there.

I'm sure of it. And it's very unpredictable, Robert. Look, did you see it move? Well, sure enough, I saw like a worm-like thing, sort of pushing and squirming. around under the skin, you know, just next to his belly button. The one thing that calms it down is beautiful singing, Robert. Are you capable of a beautiful song? I said, well, I'm not bad, you know, I'm all right.

Well, bend down over my belly, Robert, and placate it before it gets terrifying on me. Do something apologetic usually works best. So I bent down over his stomach a bit, and I sang, I'm sorry is all that I can say And he started pressing on the back of my head So it was forced into the dough You know, his belly Meaning I could no longer sing

To be honest I was hard to get any breath Thought I was going to suffocate Then he released his grip And when I came up for air The table was surrounded by all his cronies You know, I had a plan in town clerk Director of Social Services

and a tall, thin man in a green leotard. You know, like the title they used for, like, CGI filming and that? Yeah. And he was holding a wooden axe, a bit like the one the princess uses in Kingdom of Taki, the Weirwood Scrolls. Hi, everyone I said,

no one replied, they're just silence. The Apricot Flanagan's superb. I really recommend it. It's apricot, Robert. Well, the cronies all started to slowly clap in unison, started chanting. Kiss the alderman's parasite. Kiss the alderman's parasite. Kiss the alderman's parasite.

Well, what could I do, Andy? The CGI fucker had an axe, like the one from Kingdom of Tacky. Quite threatening. Yeah, so I buried my head in the alderman's belly. Started to kiss and lick all around his belly button. The chanting stopped, and the alderman lifted my head off his belly. Get in touch next time, Robert. We don't want to fall out, do we?

Then he got up and he left with his crony, so I started playing Kingdom Attack again. And I noticed a strange tickling in my tummy. No. Yeah, it comes and goes. Oh, no. I hope I haven't got that parasite. That would be awful, wouldn't it?

Yeah, I think you have, though. Maybe I have. I can feel it tickling now. That's really bad. I can't do anything to help. Don't even ask. Did you get past the boss level from the end? Yeah, I did

That's good Yeah, I did Happy ending then I guess I suppose But, but this parasite I don't know Well, maybe we'll come back to that next time

Uh Ding dong, Landlord here Just popping in to Courton off your living room I need a hermetically sealed space To store my top hat During its off season

Read the T's and Cs If you can even read Digg-Dong Landlord here Just popping in For my monthly inspection Of your door handles Don't forget

That ever come across anything unapproved fingerprint wise on them, I can confiscate the doors and switch off your gas. See the T's and C's. N-Ding-Dong, ladlod here. Just popping in to confiscate your downpipes off the side of the house.

My stepson's dressing up as a robot or something for World Book Day, and they'll make ideal limbs for him. Read the T's and C's. All about the T's and C's with them, man, isn't it? The small print, as they used to say. The legalese, even. Finally, Stephen Scott says, could you ask Mark Lawrence for his top 10 childhood games or pastimes? I have indeed asked Mark Lawrence for that.

Oh, nice one. And I will go over to him now or play the MP3 that he sent, and we'll hear what they are. Hello, I'm Mark Lawrence. These are my top 10 childhood games slash pastimes. Number 10, skippy, skip rope. Number nine, knocking nine doors. Number eight, knocking ten doors, the advanced level of the game. Number seven, climbing trees.

Please, only climb as high as you feel comfortable. Number six, kick a ding-a-ding, kick-a-ding. Number five, digging a hole with a dessert spoon. Number four, charades. Number three, ringing up Mr. C, eastward out of the phone book. If he didn't love it, he'd go next to an act, tree, let's be honest. Number two, chase and batter the weird lad And number one

Top childhood games pastimes Throwing a tin of Ravioli Through the window of an abandoned hospital Thank you very much Throw in Some nice ones there But one of them What was that King of Ring ding or something

Kikka Ding? What's that? No idea Oh right You've never heard of it Kikka Ring ding ding Kikka ding Kikka Ding Never heard of it.

But there you are. I reckon that's probably all we've got time for this time. Thank you, Andrew. Do you want to talk any more about my victory of Last Run Laughing? Anything I'm saying about that? I'm trying to think, is there anything else? I can add to it. Not really.

Not really. You've watched it and you forgot it. I've watched it and that was it. Have you watched Severance? The what? Severance. What's that? It's like a show?

Oh, is that the one that people talk about? Talk about, yeah. I haven't watched it. Everyone talks about it, and it's the three series of it? Two of them. Two, and at the end of series two, everybody can't. Don't give me a spoiler. Everybody can't have, all right.

All right. Or was that the White Lotus, end of series three? I can't remember that. I'm watching White Lotus at the moment. Are you good? It is, but now you've made me think, my investment. Generally, all these things just end with people online going,

that was a bit shit at the end. Yeah, I mean, severance is all right. it's pretty you know it's all right it's a nice conceit have you heard that word before you've heard of it but you don't know what it means don't know what it means I've used it so that's quite good maths is always good Married at first sight

oh yeah that that makes me feel weird that people are getting married to strangers yeah but they're not really I know they're not what is marriage then what is marriage yeah you've heard of it but you know what it is but what does it really mean if it can be debased in such a way for telling you Well, that's an example of a conceit.

Oh, right. The conceit is that they got married, but they didn't really. Okay. Trying to think, what else I've been watching? Because I do quite like... I like me tell you. Have you watched Adolescence? Can you stop tapping that?

Sorry? Adolescence, I watched the first episode and it scared me, so I haven't watched any more, but I will return to it. Because you've got a young lad, haven't you? I've got a young lad, it's scary. Yeah. Our Celebrary Big Brother's good this year. Do you think it is?

Yes. Tell me why you think it's... Good. David Plot off to Coronation Street. You're like, oh, I don't know Coronation Street, you see. So that's been, you're enjoying that. Yes, because he basically is the character that he plays and has played in Corrie since he was like 12. That's interesting.

There's very little crossover between. That's interesting. It's like it was a shame about Mickey Roke though, wasn't it? Yeah, inevitable though. Inevitable, yeah. Let's be honest, when he came in, swaggering in with his rubber face, I thought this isn't going to end well. But let's just enjoy it while

at last, and we did. Yeah, I mean, I I'm watching it, Andy. Okay. Please don't get me, you know, misunderstand me. But I think it's a weak one. Do you? Yeah. Okay, well, I'll just not agree.

Disagree about that. You know, because there's not much dispute, is there? There's not much. There's been a bit in the last couple of days, I think. A couple of bombs have been dropped. Yeah. But, um... Not sure.

All right, fair enough. Anything else? Snooker. Just watch his Snokeler. So you can still go on the snooker today, didn't you? Yeah, to come here and do this with you. So, I hope it was worthwhile. Are you glad that you, um, that you can, you can, you can, you can,

cancelled it, the snooker? What would you... Do you know, Andy, he's an interesting thing for you. It might be interesting. If there's time, I could show you. Did you know that Ronnie Sullivan, just about 100 feet from here... Right. Has got his practice room.

Really? Yeah. Fuck. Doesn't look like one, but that's a secret. I saw some tradesmen renovating a... Like a shop. on the way in, because I was early. Yeah.

And I just thought I'd, like, I'd have a bit of banter with them because I'm working class. Yeah. They're working class. Yeah. And I just say, oh, hey, what's so resting? Yeah. What's this going to be?

So I'm going to fucking knockin shop. And they just stared at us. Did you start at you? Maybe that was Ronnie or Sullivan's new practice room. Are you going to show us where it is, then? On the wheel. Yeah. All right.

I'll be good. I've got a meeting. Oh. Uh, at half one. At a place? At a place. Like all media meetings, it's pointless. Yes.

They just emailed each other. But occasionally you have to put in an appearance. So, well, thank you, Andy. But most of all, thank you, Parsnippers. Thank you, Parsnipers for indulging us once again. And we'll see you next time. Here we go. Bye-bye.