Athletico Mince - Boiled Parsnips 54: Medico

Episode Date: May 20, 2026

Glastonbury, John Cooper Sunshine, beach safety, a disrupted eye test, a Sorrento holiday, and Coogan meets Mick.(Originally recorded for Club Parsnips on 28/6/25 https://www.patreon.com/athleticomince) Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hey, hi Andy, how are you doing? All right, there you? Oh, we've started already. That was quick. Yeah, I'm all right, thank you very much. It's a bit hot here today. I don't know what it's like where you are, but it's very hot here today. Hot or sweaty? Hot or sweaty? I'm very sweaty. Tits are drenched. No, but is it like a sunny day or a sweaty day? It's been sunny, the sun's just gone in last half an hour for very, very warm.

I've had all the doors and windows open, and I've had a fan on. Just a kiss on one. getting a little bit of through air to breeze across those tits and the yeah yeah just trying to kick them under control before they start to melt well I was just watching Glastonbury I was watching Super Tramp actually as you phoned they're alright

oh they're still going that's nice and last night I watched I thought self-esteem was very good Sheffield glass rather and last I think sorry yeah big fan of self-esteem Well, there's the thing. I did meet the lady once, and she was one of the loveliest persons, people I've ever met in the business, as it were. Absolutely lovely less. She does seem lovely. Rebecca, I think her proper name is. Rebecca. A God-given name. Yeah.

Yeah, she's great. I'm going to go and see her in Glasgow in a couple months time. I am. I'm lucky in many ways. I've got some Glastonbury tips. Hey, just before the tips. Did you watch the 1975? I did watch them How did you find it? My kids both love them I don't get it I've tried

I've tried for years But to me they sound like go west You know Yeah but people you're right There's anything wrong with that People love them but Not there's anything wrong with that But yeah

Have you been watching I've seen the big flag of me That's a glass you're What no You're fucking right it is What a Twitter Terrible Got some of my tips

Obviously this is Saturday So you might not hear this Depends when it goes out But if you're anywhere near the Sagittarius tent Sunday 1110 a.m. Chong are going to be on 53 of the members of Chong have left Since their last album

But the remaining 53 I've said they're going to try twice as hard Oh well that's good show If you're anywhere near the Heelan chimney Pigeon Christmas are on there at 2pm there'll be a fire lit at the bottom of the chimney and their aim is to

escape out of the top before they perish and then there's this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this is this this is this is this theatre troupe then on an official stage they're just going to wander around the site in a human pyramid form and they'll be revising something about the government

very nice lovely tips down Andy just made you think the pyramid you know like Do you know the motorcycle display team? Oh, God, yeah. Does there still exist? Can you see that anywhere? Does it remain a thing?

I don't know. Also, the police dogs that used to jump through hoops of fire as well. Yeah. Is that still a thing? I don't know? It sounds like it might be outlawed, don't it? Maybe, I don't know. We used to have a thing near where I lived in Shiny Europe. In the next village along Harrington, there was the Hurriton Country, Not that Hurrington Country Fair.

her in Summer Fair and it'll be on every June and they'd have the police dogs jumping through the fire hoops and there would be that always be a celebrity that would come and open the fair and then sign autographs we had Rod Hullinemio one year we had Noel Edmonds who came in a helicopter we had Ken Dodd I got an autograph from Ken Dodd

I queued for about half an hour to get an autograph from Ken Dodd and he was just sat behind this kind of picnic table like a folderware table but his hair had all been flattened down. It wasn't the whole thousand. And there was just a pint of lager on the floor. He just looked like a bloke in the pub without his hair, won't he? Just a bloke.

What are the teeth like close up? Do you have a memory of the teeth? That's all I remember. That in the hair. You were just talking to hairy teeth. It was just some teeth with hair on it, yeah. But, yeah, good times. Do you know East Harrington?

I'm aware of East Harrington, yes. I used to, when I burnt my house town I was banished to East Herrington You know, the mate Does it mirroring a belcher like the main Long Road that goes through East Harrington? Yeah, I mean there's a roundabout At the bottom of a lovely pub called The Bourd Inn

And then you go up the hill Yeah, about halfway up the hill I was banished to there for a while When I was a nipper So there you go Was it like a bostle or something like that? It was me Uncle Harry's place That's why

That's why, Andy, the first football I ever went to was Sondland. Do you know? Right. Do you remember Roker Park, yeah, back in the day? I remember Roker Park, yeah. Do you remember it when you could stand? Well, yeah, I used to stand all the time. I couldn't afford to sit in the seats.

No, I'm saying when it was, you know, before all the all-seating business. You're a young man. I just wasn't sure whether... I'm not a young man. I'm 53 next month. You are to me, because I'd have to give you credit. You know what they used to call the Roker, Yes.

It really was, wasn't it? That was a hell of a sound you'd get. It was. It used to come from the Roker end mainly. The Roker End, yeah. They chopped it down. They chopped it down because it was unsafe. But yeah, Roker Park was standing until they closed it down in 1997. So I used to stand the full end.

Hey, John Cooper. John Cooper Clark sent me a wav-wap, whatever. John Cooper Sunshine. I should play it. It's kind of him to send it. All right? Clean to do. Okay. It's hot at the bus stop. It's hot on the trains. My ice cream is tainted by the stench from the drains.

I've got pollen in my sinus and sweating my eyes. I've got some sort of residue dissolving my thighs. Flies on my greggs. There's moths in my carpeting. And meanwhile outside, all the dog dirts are hardening. There's a bloke with his bollocks hanging out of his shorts as the dog on his lap dribbles and snows. fruits flies are breeding on the bananas I'm peeling My do-way is damp My curtains drawn tight Best stay inside and watch married at first sight God bless all local counsellors

And the security firms guarding heritage sites throughout the UK That's nice That's nice up John He's obviously got a bit of hot Yeah Is he talking about security guards Have to wear full uniform in this weather I know, well, that's what he's saying.

He's sending out a little prayer for those security guards. Because, of course, these big beefy lads like to wear tight clothing, so it'll be like tight, tight suit. Tight, tight, baby. They get forgotten. Topics of interest, Andy. Oh, I. Yeah. Is Pillower Rice worth the extra few pennies?

Yes. Oh, the definite on that, yeah? Yeah. Are you sure? it just the colour. I'm opposed to like just boiled rice. Yeah, I love boiled rice, man. Just nice and plain.

I'm getting fed up these days, Andy. Have everything I haven't to have shit added to it. Yeah, I know what you mean? Can you remember any conversations you've had with your hairdresser? Or are they abandoned as soon as they've been spoken? I haven't had a hairdresser for decades because I just shaved me on head. Okay, well, that's what I'm interested. I talk to myself while I'm doing it.

Best day to visit TK.K. Max. Is there a best day? Well, there's a bit of a science to it, Andy. You know, you need to find out when the deliveries come to your local branch man's Wednesdays. And you do need to avoid Saturday Sundays, for Christ's sake. Oh, in all shops. Have you been in then on an asked what day the deliveries come? No, I overheard it.

I overheard it at the till. Right. But if delivery's coming on Wednesday, Does the stock get processed Wednesday? I go Thursday. I go Thursday. I go Thursday Friday. Yeah, good.

Got some good stuff. Disposable barbecues, Andy? Wow. I've got barbecues, yes or no, in my topics of interest. Oh, fuck. Well, you know, there's a detail. Disposable barbecues, yes or no. Quite damaging, aren't there?

Disposable barbecues? Damaging to what? The environment. The environment. You've got them ones now, after you've finished the barbecue, you can let them off and they just fly off into the sky, don't they? That's not true. Land in fields.

Cows choke on them. Is that barbecues? I've never found them very satisfactory, you know, like, I put them on the floor and it burns the floor, you know. They're a bit too hot. And then you get banished Easterick and again. Shower curtains, plain or patterned? Well, patterned.

So that was nice to have something to look at when you're having a shower, isn't it? But you'd have little ducks on, would you? Or something like that? Yeah, something like that, yeah. Andy, are you free range, or do you spend most of your time in your house? I'm battery.

Is that what it's called? Your battery, you're in the house, yeah. But I have got a little run. A little run inside. I'm allowed to go up and down so you get some exercise and some fresh air now and again That's good I imagine your eggs will be tasty

Most of my eggs are battery I produce Yeah Have you got some topics did you say I've got a couple Yeah Funeral planning Has it gone too far

Um I don't What do you mean Yeah I don't know Andy You probably should I'm knocking on a bit now And you do start thinking

Oh I don't want to leave behind a mess Have you got a playlist For your funeral of sort Oh no I won't I won't have a funeral, Andy. I'll just, honestly... Are you got a DJ book for it? No.

All that. It seems to be getting a little bit, I don't know, out of hand. What have I got? AI, will AI impact the future of ghosts? Hmm. Because I think... Yeah, it could put an end to them, couldn't it? Well, I don't know. I think we might get more because all we've got at the moment is natural ghosts,

but if AI can produce unnatural, not supernatural, but, you know, computer-generated ghosts, I think then that's going to be a big plus for the ghost industry. I don't know what you feel. Sort of like, you mean you could be able to see them out in the field or something like that? Yeah, there's been more of them because the AI will be able to, like, I think. Is that how AI works? I hear what you said, but it sounds like a bit of a Pokemon game or something, you know, where you go out.

Yeah, got to catch them. Yeah, it sounds like, I think the, like what keeps ghosts, assisting is the slightly scary side of things, but if it's just robot generated, you couldn't give a fuck really, could you? I think maybe it's best to say we don't know. We don't know. No, no, no, no, no, no.

No, no, no. We just simply don't know. Mickey Dixon, he's been in touch. Fucking Mickey, with his safety advice. Sometimes he's Mickey Dixon, sometimes he's Mickey Nixon. He doesn't fucking know himself, does you? I'll play it for you, Andy. You might get some benefit from it. I think he's a sincere in his advice, you know.

All right, lads. Mickey Dixon here. And it's another sunny day when, you know, people let the guard down, like, and put safety right out of the tiny minds. Joking, on you. So I thought I'd take a walk down the seafront, like, you know, see what concerns that could spot and pass on.

Oh, look over there. Frank Fulton Cowden. He sat out on his front lawn without any sun protection. Then mulls and scabs on his guts. They're going to sizzle, crust up, you know, developing the boils and warts, you know, that's at the best, like. If he burns up, I'm not going to be able to take him to the A&E, like, not with my knackered, vertebrained me, bent hip.

Honestly, it's fucking bone-on-bone at the moment. I can't do any heavy lifting. Can't even phone the ambulance, like, because the wife snapped me phone. She caught me on the TikTok, like, looking at her naked bloke in the ivory. I wasn't looking at it. It just came up on my feed, you know. I was actually searching for clips of, you know, them padlocks. When they put them on bridges and that boy, she didn't believe us like.

Oh, Frank, have you not got any sun gun, John? None of your business, Mickey. Ah, well, it is because if you end up in here, you, it's all us footing the bill, isn't it? and it's not like they aren't busy enough with all the pulmonary shit that's happened down the weightlifting class Do you want some factor 50? I've got some in my carrier bag

Nah, fuck and don't I want a nice dark tan For my belly-gown trip Well, look, listen I'll leave you a squirt on your wall And you can scoop it up, you know, if you start to sizzle like Fuck you, old Mickey Beggard's belief least

Safety first, you're joking at you Oh, way up there goes Ron Shin Walking like he's just shit out of the handbell He'll be on his way at the beach You know, they get pissed, looking at the lasses No doubt he'll get dehydrated And get a fucking migraine I'll start a fight with some fucking 10-year-olds

Ron, you sure you should be drinking in this eat You know, especially when your immune system's shot to shit Your blood pressure's non-existent I, the bulls is good for keeping the inflammation in my knees down. Why don't you just keep your neb out of my fucking life? I didn't know you had knee turmoil on. Yeah, born on, bored, man. I could fucking grind flower under my pitella.

Nah, that sounds like born and borne, right? What've you been up to? I caught a seagull yesterday. I stretched it as long as I could. losing a vice so you get a wrench. I've got it to kneel your meter before I'd snap, Blake. All right, well, I'll pass no comment on that run. You're off to the beach?

Now, I'm checking some stuff to the laundry for the other adult male that lives in the house. So does his bed again. I will be sure to put it in the hot washer on to kill any bacteria the other adult males deposited. Have you considered getting a plastic mattress cover for the other adult, you know, to protect it from getting Todd taint. Ah, maybe I'll go now. Fuck off, will you?

I will do. Blimey, look at the beach there, Don and Jillian Gough, having a sunbathe on the deck, yes. He should be wearing socks, cover up that ankle luster, and she should keep them false knockers under cover, for the swell up and the eat and the brine bursts out. All right, John, Jill? How's it going? Do you up here?

Good one. Hey, I was just talking to Ron Shin. That other adult male that lives with him and his wife shit the bed again. Fucking hell, Mickey. We're trying to enjoy our hot dogs here. The other adult male! Aren't we Gillian? Yeah. The other adult male on Ron's was in our garden. You know the other adult male at Ron's? He was in our garden last night eating a rabbit.

Oh, that sounds about right. Just thinking shouldn't you out choke cup? up a bit. No chance. We're off to Benny Dome next week. Gillian wants a nice dark tan for when she does the karaoke. I will make sure you give the microphone

a wipe with an antibacterial before you sing, Jill. Hey, I heard you two went to that soundproofing talk at the town hall. How did that go? Very interesting. Do you want me to talk about it in detail? Or can I just get and finish this hot dog?

Nah, you'll get on. Been far too much to talk about soundproofing around here recently. How's your back, Mickey? You on the anti-in flams? Nah, they don't touch it, my bourne. I'm born, I'm on the tramadol, but it's made me start drinking paint again.

Anyway, be safe, John. You're joking, aren't you? Oh, that's he in. So that's what he sent me. Very nice. I don't know if you've got anything from that. Lots of tips there. I think the reason the adult male

has shit himself Probably because he's been eating a rabbit in next door's garden. Good point. If it was raw, if it was raw. I'll tell you what, I went for an eye test the other day. First time I've been for an eye test, which at the age of 53, I think, is pretty good. But, yeah, did you have a question there about it? About your eye test.

Were you going to see something like there? No, I'm just pleased for you. I'm glad you took your chance. Anyway, I went to boots up. for a lovely Irish fella did the test optician. I had a nice Irish lilt, very calm and very relaxing. To be honest, it was nice to just have someone else telling us what to do for a change. Yeah.

You know, I gave overall control. I did that thing where I got the x-ray of my entire eye. Yeah. And you've got to sit, I don't know if you've done it, but you've got to sit and you put your chin on, like, a chin rest and your forehead on a forehead rest. You've got a couple of chin. Which one did you use? I just used the, well, just the lost one and it just spread the others out

and over the plastic rest. Great. So he just said, I've got to sit completely still in this position with my head in these rest. But I went on for about 20 seconds and I thought, I felt like a bit too long to take an X-ray of photograph, you know? And then I heard the door of the consultancy room open

and then there was some mumbling. And then all of a sudden I just felt this massive smack around the back of my head. Oh shit. And his voice says, seen you. Oh, Corbyn. Jeremy Corbyn. Yeah. You can't go anywhere, can you? No sign of the optician at this point.

He's gone somewhere. Corbyn says, sir, look at you, holding your head still, like you're some kind of showponing at the village fair. I thought, oh God, here we go. I don't get out of this. He says, what's your best vision? Hey, what is it? what you mean what's to be best vision I've never had an eye test before

I don't know how they work I don't know what you're talking about he says is it better through the green lens or through the red lens green lens or red lens I just says red because labour colour

you know I thought he'd approve of that I don't think he's labour anymore to be fair like but whatever he says ask me my God ask me my best vision says, what's your best fish in, Jeremy? He says, 577.

What does that mean? Don't know what that meant. No idea. He says, Bush! Picked the fucking bones out of that one, baby boy. Baffling. Baffling, to be honest, Bob. Yeah, it is.

The whole thing. Weird. Then the door gets booted in, and it's King Charles. Oh, fuck. He says, all right there, Jez. Is this the one whose teeth we're pulling out today? He says, shush!

and he takes a tonight test you've got the pliers cause I've got the fucking pliers and the fucking king don't like where this is gone don't like where this is headed at all then my x-ray

appears on the big screen in front of us have you saying them before it just looks like two massive orange orbs yeah I see it yeah all the veins and everything

you can see the pupil at the front and everything um Charles says oh look at them He looked like a couple of planets. Yeah, I've had an idea for a TV show. It's me talking about all the planets and the stars and the constellations and that.

We'll call it the night sky. I say, that sounds a bit like the sky at night, which has been going since 1957. Yeah. To be fair, you can't go around nick in formats, especially ones that are as well established as that. He says, I'm the fucking king. I can do what the fuck I like.

And Corbyn says, It hasn't been on since it's 20-23. So it's fair game. Shit happens. So the king starts to reach into his doctor's bag for what I assume is the plies. So I'd just remove myself from the situation in an unspecified way.

That's right, yeah. So that's the end of that. I understand. It's better than an explosion, isn't it? I think so. Yeah. Did you take it? anything from that at all?

No, but it reminded me of me last test I had and I get those floaters, you know, and they've always sort of worried me in the back of my mind. I wonder what it's all about. And she said there's a fluid reservoir right at the bottom of your eye inside your eye. Right. And she said occasionally it drips about a bit or something.

But anyway, it was reassuring. So I thought I'd pass that on. She'd said to me, floaters, no worries. Don't worry. I mean they say these things, but how do we know they're telling the truth? Yeah, well, we need AI to get involved, don't we? Because it hasn't got that problem, you know, it'll just tell you like it is. Should we have some questions from the Parsnipers?

Oh, yeah, go on. I've seen a few. I'll just start off. There's one here. Jenny McAllister says what should Goths be doing to cope in this hot weather? I think Goths can just do like most people. do they can just put their feet in a bucket of ice

or a washing up ball full of ice but you have to make sure that it's black ice. So when you're making the ice cubes or whatever you're doing, make sure you colour the water first before you freeze it. Good advice. Because if you use regular ice, if you're a goth, you could die.

Not work is it? I would think they should just hide under their feathers, you know what I mean? Bisoned says, what's the right pet for a single man? I thought, I in I'm a cat man, so I thought cat, but then I thought mouse could be fun as well, less maintenance. And then I realised cat and a mouse, and then enjoy the capers, you know? Oh, you could do, like Tom and Jerry.

Yeah, like Tom and Jerry, in your own house. I would have said a budgie. A budgey's good. That's just me, though. Jason says, where is Arctic Roll gone? Used to be a staple northern dessert, but I haven't seen one in years. Well, I had Artic Circle, I had Artic Circle, I had Artnick Roll a couple of year ago. So I don't think they've gone.

No, they're everywhere. You're not looking hard enough. They are hiding in plain sight a bit, you know. You want to be at B&M or Iceland or whatever. But I had one very recently, and I've got to say, don't bother it, it's not how you remember it. They're sort of shrunken and tasteless. It's the same with Freibentless and Goblin pies

and the appellant and ice cream. They're just not like you remember, you know. Did you find that the Arctic Roll exterior, the cake exterior, was quite soggy? Soggy and very thin. Yeah. Just had no clout, you know. Shit.

Me and me, Lorken, oh, Mahoney says, me and my friend Jeff have made a band together. Right. And I're looking for a new band name. Yeah. There are two of us and we play all the hits. Have you got a band name? Right. Well, I'm sorry it's obvious because there's two of you and they play the hits.

I thought the Twits. The Twits. The Tretts. But, I mean, it's the only info he's given us. The shits? The shit twits. Hits from the shits. Something like that.

Twittery shittery. Twittery shittery. Any of them you can have. You can have for free. A couple of weeks ago, Andy. I went to Sorrento in Italy with my son, Tom. Oh, nice. I had a trip to Pompey.

You know, see the bodies like that are frozen in time, like when they got... Oh, lovely. Yes. And to get some authentic Italian food in the town and that, you know. Right. It was really hot. worse than he you know high like high 30s so we went the station to get this Pompeii train

and you know like it is when you're abroad and you're shit I just got confused there was lots of different ticket offices there was like no obvious official one so this Italian last approached us took us into her little office so I said like Pompeii train guided to a priority entry to the ruins we weren't interested really Andy but you know like we're UK tourists

sort of like before we knew it we had the wristband on and it had been rinsed for 100 quid so the lady thanked us and she said she mentioned that the money would help her grandfather who was sick and urgently needed some jewellery to help him heal you know

and she gave us both a little mint candy to refresh our mouths we went sorry it's not a great story I just think it was a nice, it was interesting day. No, I enjoy, I enjoy tales of foreign travel, so I'm enjoying it. So we went on the platform, there's no shade or anything, and both me and my son's heads started to swell up. You know, you can literally feel them swelling up, and then a bit further up the platform.

Absolutely true, a lady about 60, oldish lady, 65 or something, she collapsed, and she looked like, she absolutely looked like a goner. and most people just ignore her and then a bloke when a train something to do with the trains stood above and flicked some water in a face his head was beginning to swell up a bit

I'd say about a third larger than normal but I didn't know him so you never know he then he turned to the onlookers and in quite a quiet voice he went medical medical it was about 10 minutes later

An ambulance man, he was really overweight and had a great big mullet and a Metallica T-shirt. And he had like an orange boiler or something, but he'd rolled it down so it was just trousers. He started putting on some, this is true, Andy. He started putting on some blue latex gloves and then he couldn't get them over it like his swollen hands. And the station block just kept flicking the occasional bit of water out. She looks absolutely stone dead, Andy. And then the ambulance... Was she swollen?

as well, the lady? Do you know, I didn't look. I hate that sort of thing. So distressing. But no one seemed to give a fuck. And then the ambulance bloke, because he couldn't get his gloves on, he walked off, mumbling something about pasta and sleep, you know.

So we were still, she was still on the deck when the train came. So we got onto the station. Bloke was still muttering medical, medical. Train was packed like a furnace. And you can feel our heads getting bigger and bigger. vision going in and out of focus a little bit, there was lots

of Italians around, you know, talking about sleep and pasta and lots of tourists and we noticed that none of them had wristbands on. So we got off the train we grabbed by this little skinny Italian bloke with tight denim shorts and an umbrella. He had

a carrier bag with him which I assume contained some pasta, a pillar, you know, told us he was our tour guide and marched us into to Pompeii and he gave us a little earpiece so that you could listen to his tour he had a little mirror

on him and he said he asked us both to look in the mirror our heads look really big he said they asked us if our heads were normally that size and he said no no and he said well he would tell us if he thought they were getting dangerously big you know so that was reassuring

first up was some fucking ruins of a temple and my son bailed out he said he was going to try and buy some water and he'd find us. And then next was a dwelling where residents would have slept, you know, and eaten pasta. Yeah.

We walked around and there was fucking no shade and I could feel me head getting heavy like we're fluid, you know. Oh God. So I asked them, I said, can we find some shade please? He took us down some passages and we ended up in a little stone outhouse. We're one of them frozen bodies by the entrance.

And it had one wall eye enough to give a bit of shade. so I sat down because it was actually getting hard to balance, you know, the weight of my head. Was it quite a low wall? It was just high enough that was just like a triangle, a shade,

you know what I mean? I was thinking my head must be about three times it's normal size by this point because the hat on my head was beginning to look like, you know, a little silly undersized clowns at. Was it hurt in your neck? Was it hurt in your neck?

Honest the weight of it. Fuck, man. I did roll it up at my chin a bit, yeah. And my lips were swollen, but I did manage to just say medical, medical. And he opened his carrier bag, pulled out a metal syringe. And he said it was urgent that he drained my head, you know. And he also said the fluid fetches a good price. And he had a sick grandmother who needed some jewelry to help her heal.

So it were both winners. He also pulled out a little syringe. little switch out of the bag and asked if I wanted me, are you waxing removed? He said it comes out really easy if your head's swollen and the wax fetch is a decent price, you know? So he said that the

necklaces grandmother needed was really fucking massive and every penny helps, you know. Well, I was having difficulty hearing. So I just like nodded agreement. He said he punched her and liked to

flirt the head first. So he put her in, like to flirt the head first. placed the point of the needle on my forehead, and I could feel it just begin to push. And just at that moment, my son returned. His head was fucking massive about the size of a space opera. And he just like weakly said, medical, medical. The bloke, on ear and he removed the needle from my forehead

and explained that he didn't have a big enough receptacle to carry two heads with a fluid. So I said, oh, look, do my son first. You know, he's got his whole life head of him. Yeah. So he placed the needle. against my son's forehead and I know he placed the needle

he placed the needle against my son's forehead and I noticed as he did did so that he was having a shit it didn't seem right so I raised I raised myself up and I immediately unbalanced because of my fucking head weight

you fell straight down onto him and the syringe pierced him in the chest or something my son's still saying medical, medical I'm saying medical medical, medical and the guide is saying medical

medical, medical and then the heavy metal ambulance man appeared and he fired at us with a CO2 fire extinguisher at their heads and they immediately started to shrink and it was only 30 seconds maybe or so before me hat fitted again

Wow. The guide was okay. Actually, he'd fallen asleep during the Ola Pala. I asked the ambulanceman, said, how we knew we were here? And he said, that's impossible to explain within the parameters of this tale. So we accepted that was true. Asked if we could pay him for saving our lives. He explained that 300 lira would be helpful as his mother was very sick and needed a new dishwasher.

to help us get better. I paid up, made our way back to Sorrento. And here's the thing, Andy. That night we ate at probably the poshest restaurant in Sorrento. And I noticed that on the table at the back, we sat the ticket lady, the tour guide, and the ambulance man, eating a bowl of caviar and comparing new watches.

Me and my son both wondered, what inflammatory substance those mint candies had been laced with, which she gave us. Of course. I don't know. Of course. Looks suspicious to me. Have you been Sorrento, Andy?

It's a good trip. No, but I'll book a trip quite soon. I think it sounds very interesting. It's a lovely place. That reminded me a lot of tales of the unexpected. You thought it was going to be South African, I presume. Not for a minute. Not for a minute.

You knew it was a true story, yeah? I knew it was a true story, but the ending was completely unexpected, unlike most of the episodes of Tales of the Unexpected Would you like a quiz Bob? Yeah, go on, I always like a quiz It's not Dom, is it? Is it you? What?

Is it you doing it? It's not Dom Littlewood, is it? No, it's me. It's me. Oh, a nice one, yeah. Did you get me voice confused there with that of Dominic Littlewood? No, I just had a vision of him barking at me, so... Yeah, fire away. It's me. It's the return of... From Centre Spot to Ship Farm.

Nice. which I think is the best quiz that we do. I'm going to give you three football teams, and I want you to put in order the distance between the centre spot at each football club and the closest sewage waste management location, let's say. Thank you. Love it. We've got three for you.

We've got Rotherham United. Right. We've got Burton Albion. Oh, I've been to Burton's. And we've got Bristol Rovers. Now put them in order, please. closest from centre spot to shit farm to furthest away or from furthest away to closest, whichever way you want to do it.

Burton nearest. Rotherham, furthest. So we're going Burton Albion nearest, then Bristol Rovers. Yeah. And then Rotherham United furthest away. A bit worried about Bristol, but there you go. That's my guess.

100% fucking wrong. And you love it. I love it. Rotherham United 3.2 miles to the nearest shit farm. Bristol Rovers 5.8 miles. Burton Albion 20.6 UK miles to the nearest shit farm. You better hold it in if you're at that match then.

Yeah. Yeah. So there you are. Oh, nice one. God bless, as always, the people from, Infinity Rockets. Right. They've sent me a WAV, right?

And it is a really interesting one. So I'll explain. I don't know if you know, but Steve Coogan is playing Mick McCarthy in a movie that's coming out. Did you hear this? Yeah, Saipan. Yeah. Yeah, weird one, in it? And he's playing Mick McCarthy. And

the movie's about when McCarthy and Roy Keene had a big bust up in the Ireland squad. I think it was in Italy, wasn't it? And Roy stropped off and refused to play in the World Cup. Well, Infinity have managed to get hold of a wow of a meeting between Coogan and McCarthy

when he was researching the role, you know, like interviewing Mick so that he got it right, got it all authentic. I'd like to hear that. Yeah, well, here goes then. Hi, Mick, thank you so much for meeting up. Is that Steve Coogan? Are we oh, anyway?

They look like a bastard. I'm an actor, comedian. I'm playing you in an upcoming movie. Movies. for bastards. You don't like movies? I quite like inglorious bastards, but that's about it. So, Roy, tell me, did you get on with Steve?

So, sorry, I'm so sorry, Mick. Tell me, did you get on with Ray Keane? Roy Keane, is it, when he first met? Have a guess, you bastard. No, you didn't like him. Correct, he's a bastard. So where did you first meet? At the pub.

And which pub was that? Bastard Arms. And can you remember the first thing you said? All right, Roy Keen, you bastard. And what did he say to that? Do you have a phone, fella? I left Main at the bus station. And did you lend him your phone?

I don't have a phone. Phones are for bastards. Oh, and is that why you fell out? Because you didn't lend him a phone. No, we fell out because he's a bastard. who acts like a bastard all a bastard time and thinks people won't think he's a bastard even when he's acting a bastard

and did you think he was a good player I wouldn't know football for bastards but you were a footballer doesn't that make you a bastard apse a bastard looty biggest bastard of the lot oh anyway coming at me with all these bastard questions I'm the bloke off the TV

I don't watch TV TV's for bastards So what do you do Have an evening then? I dig holes in the bastard lawn With me sharp every bastard Spade Oh, so you like gardening No, I know flowers are bastards

Grass is a bastard Vegetables are for bastards Apart from spuds They're a bastard miracle In fact, that's it I'm off for some bastard chips Good luck with your film And if you see Roy Kane

Tell him he's a bastard from me And that's where it ended So I don't know how much Steve will have got from that Enough, I hope. I hope so. Nice to hear it. Strange thing to make a film about, isn't it? I think they've seen Ted Lassau

and seen what I hit that was and thought Let's try and do something like that Where we have footballers shouting at each other Or something, I don't know, I'm not sure. Listen up, Andy, I've enjoyed it very much And I hope that you continue to enjoy your Glastonbury. I hope you watch 24-4-7. seven and I look forward to seeing you on the next occasion.

Thank you. That's nice. Cheers, Parsnippers, as always. Thanks, Parsnippers. Thank you very much. Tara. Tara.